a white-bread-law-boy’s guide to getting a goth gf

the white-bread-law-boy’s the white-bread-law-boy’s guide to getting a goth gf guide to getting a goth gf

It’s spooky season and Halloween is right around the corner, which can only mean one thing: You are now officially running out of time to acquire your dream goth gf - what a nightmare. It appears to me that it is often the blandest, most uninteresting of men who are starving for a goth/ alternative babe.

I can also understand that because of your lack of knowledge on essential topics like the works of William Blake, Doc Martens shoes and the discography of British postpunk band the Cure, it is especially hard for you to achieve this life goal of yours. Alternative/goth girls are not that hard to impress here in Adelaide, given that most people have very limited experience with the subculture, and will usually swoon over the first guy who can demonstrate surface-level knowledge in one of our interests.

So, being the humanitarian I am, I’m here to provide you with some basic phrases to try out so that you can finally plus one that goth babe you’ve been pining over to your fellow basic friend’s Halloween party and show her off. ‘So have you seen that Joy Division biopic, Control?’

Goths listen to Joy Division like an average private-school-alumni-law-boy stockpiles rugby jumpers. While it may be tempting to go the easy route and play Love Will Tear Us Apart in the car like the rest of the basic white boys, going that extra mile and watching the biopic will score you some extra points.

‘Can you tell me what my birth chart says about me?’

If you’ve fallen for the irresistable and alluring charm of a witchy gal, this is the line for you. For this to develop into an extensive conversation, however, you must know your birth time (to the minute if possible) and location, so make sure to text your mum before trying this out. From there, this can go one of two ways: you either have a great birth chart with minimal water and/or earth signs, or you have the chart of the devil, which will make her run for her life. Either way though, this question is guaranteed to turn into a fruitful conversation, and maybe (hopefully) it might serve as your

much needed introduction to ~introspection~.

‘Ah yes, this painting is quite derivative of Salvador Dali’

Got an art gallery date planned, or has your desperate eye noticed a mysterious, all-black wearing girl admiring a surrealist painting at the gallery? Try this line and watch her eyes light up with hope that maybe, just maybe, despite your RMs, you are actually a man of culture. How to spot a surrealist painting, you ask? Just look for dismembered/disfigured bodies and things in places where it shouldn’t be. When in doubt, find something your conservative grandmother might label satanic.

Warning: this will backfire and make you look like a clown if the painting isn’t actually derivative of Salvador Dali.

‘I definitely understand the merit and utility of modern-day Satanism’

So you’ve just found out that the person of your dreams is a self-proclaimed satanist? Instead of sweating profusely and making the conversation uncomfortable by mentioning you went to a Christian/Catholic private school, hit her up with this line, regardless of your understanding of satanism. And don’t worry, she probably - likely - will not sacrifice you to satan (no guarantees).

And with that, I would like to wish you luck, comrade, in your search for a goth gf. Remember, we’re in this together. xx