HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES

Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

Your closest friend will cast a Disillusionment Charm upon you, and it will go so badly wrong that you will find yourself unable to be seen by anyone except the caster and anyone who witnessed the charm being placed. Taking advantage of your chameleon-like appearance is inadvisable unless you plan to use it to torment a certain author, who shall remain nameless.

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE

(JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)

You and a “friend” will find yourselves drawn to a deep, dangerous body of water. Then your socalled “friend” will show their true colors, pushing you into the endless abyss. Using the Bubble-Head Charm non-verbally is the only hope you have, so make sure you’ve been practicing spells without speaking!

PISCES THE MERMAN

(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

When you find yourself with webbed toes and seaweed lodged in unmentionable places, you may regret messing around with that Gillyweed. Carefully and discreetly dispose of it. Yes, the entire stash! Then get yourself into St. Mungo’s. They’ll know what to do with you.

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

A grievous injury will befall you, and a failed attempt at healing will leave you with large talons on your fingers and large feathery wings on your back. After clawing the friend who was supposed to be fixing your broken leg, take advantage of your newfound flight and fly to St. Mungo’s for a proper mending.

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

At the full moon, your eyes will turn a sickly shade of yellow. This can be attributed to the ingestion of too many bananas, which is a dangerous pastime even when not consuming enough to poison oneself with potassium, as bananas are evil and disgusting. Ditch the foul yellow fruit, which is disturbingly a type of berry, immediately.

GEMINI THE VEELA

(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

Upon consuming too much butter, you will find yourself glowing brightly beneath the moon. This may be hazardous to your health, as it will attract the sorts of creatures you’d rather not run into directly to your body. Stay indoors until daybreak and stop eating sticks of butter.

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

Your rear end will begin to shoot fire without warning. The flames will be paired with the completely expected noxious fumes that come from eating too many beans. To avoid the undeniable embarrassment of the smell, not to mention the destruction of many a seat cushion, take some printed tweets from the author-who-shall-notbe-named and fashion them into a diaper. Then charm the rest of the house to be fire-proof.

LEO THE SPHINX

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

You will be jinxed from behind and your speech will be impeded by constant rhyming. The ensuing riddles will be unsolvable, however, and you will have a constant urge to attack your friends over their incorrect guesses. Make liberal use of the Silencing Charm until the effects wear off, which should only take about a month.

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

A large and unusual wooden growth will appear in the middle of your forehead, which will greatly hinder your ability to function in a normal day-today manner. All magical attempts to remove it will fail. Brace yourself. The only way to get rid of the unsightly thing is to take a silver dagger and cut it off at the base. But rejoice! The leafy remnants can be brewed into a lovely tea to offer your dearest enemy.

LIBRA THE DRAGON

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

You will break out in horribly painful, impenetrable scales in a loathsome green color upon consuming a tea made by someone you once counted as a friend.

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE

(OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)

Upon seeing your closest friend accidentally cut open their hand, you will develop a sudden bloodlust that you will not be able to control. You must immediately send said friend away, chain yourself to the nearest door to keep others safe, and then hex off your own nose.

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR

(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)

You will find that you have sprouted thick purple hair in unexpected places. You will be particularly surprised by the tail that will grow overnight. In order to tame it, you’ll need liberal amounts of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, an enchanted razor, and a lot of patience. Never fear, however; you’ll still be able to drink your sorrows away in the Hog’s Head. They get a lot of funny folk in there.