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MIND ... B O DY ... SPIRIT
M A G A Z I N E
Spring 2018 / theholisticparent.ca
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SINGLE MOM STRONG Turning struggles into strength
BY JANE HOBSON
REGUL ARS
OUR TEAM Meet the writers who make this magazine awesome PAGE 4
UP FRONT Spring recipes and fermented foods PAGE 6
PRODUCTS Spread the local love PAGE 10
COLUMNS
MIND The Wisdom of Patience PAGE 12
BODY Flexing Away Food Battles PAGE 14
SPIRIT Surviving Reflux PAGE 16
BACK PAGE Bubble Baths & Bullet Journals PAGE 30
FEATURES
#METOO: #NOWWHAT BY NICOLE SCHIENER
From viral post to real action PAGE 22
GBS: THE BIG BAD BACTERIA? BY DR. SAMINA MITHA
Pregnancy and group B strep PAGE 25
SEX AFTER BABY BY KELLY MCDONNELL-ARNOLD
8 real-life tips for new parents ON THE COVER Selam Debs was shot on location at Community of Hearts Yoga in Waterloo by the team from Made By Emblem.
PAGE 28
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UP FRONT | OUR TEAM
CONTRIBUTORS
LEAH GARRAD-COLE Entrepreneur | Author Leah Garrad-Cole is the founder of the highly successful Love Child Organics (lovechildorganics.com) brand of baby and children’s foods. Her cookbook, It All Begins with Food, is filled with simple, kid-appoved recipes. Check out Leah’s recipes as part of the Spring Fresh feature on PAGE 6.
TANIA HEINEMANN Holistic Nutritionist | Lactation Consultant Tania Heinemann is a registered holistic nutritionist and lactation consultant (IBCLC) specializing in digestion issues, breastfeeding support, fatigue, thyroid and adrenal imbalances, weight loss, infant and children’s health, and pre and postnatal concerns (yellowood.ca). Check out her article Friendly Fermentation on PAGE 8.
Volume 04, Issue 02 | Spring 2018
PUBLISHER | EDITOR Elaine Kapogines elaine@wiltshiremedia.ca ART DIRECTION
www.madebyemblem.com Erik Mohr (Creative Director) Ian Sullivan Cant (Associate Art Director) Mantej Rakhra (Graphic Designer) Sally Tan Soriano (Production) ADVERTISING DESIGNER
Elizabeth Wise
KELLY MCDONNELL-ARNOLD Psychotherapist | Clinical Sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold is a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist with a master’s degree in forensic sexology and an expert in the field of human sexuality. Find her running a bustling therapy practice in Uptown Waterloo, Bliss Counselling (bliss-therapy.org), or check out her RogerTV series “Sex Talk with Kelly.” Read Kelly’s article Sex After Baby on PAGE 28.
DR. SAMINA MITHA Naturopathic doctor Dr. Samina Mitha is a licensed and registered naturopathic doctor who works at the Sage Naturopathic Clinic in Kitchener (thesageclinic.com). Dr. Samina focuses her practice on preconception, pre and postnatal care and pediatrics, and is trained as a naturopathic doula. Her article GBS: The Big Bad Bacteria? is on PAGE 25.
TRACY POIZNER Holistic Practitioner Tracy Poizner is a local practitioner of holistic medicine (tracypoizner. com). She hosts a Facebook group called “The Spectacular Stepmom” offering education and mentorship for women engaged in the noble pursuit of helping to raise another mom’s kids.Her piece The Bonus Mom appears on PAGE 23 as part of our cover story, Single Mom Strong.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Mantej Rakhra FEATURE WRITER
Jane Hobson CONTRIBUTORS
Dr. Jen Forristal, Leah Garrad-Cole, Tania Heinemann, Kelly McDonnell-Arnold, Dr. Samina Mitha, Tracy Poizner, Nicole Schiener, Elizabeth Wise PROOFREADER
Lesley Wiltshire
PUBLISHED BY
The Holistic Parent magazine is published three times per year. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of the publisher © 2018 Copies are available for free at one of our 75+ community partners in the Waterloo Region, Wellington County and surrounding areas. Visit theholisticparent.ca for a list of distributors. ISSN 2368-6790 Publications Mail Agreement No. 42845523
NICOLE SCHIENER Psychotherapist Nicole Schiener is a registered psychotherapist with over 15 years of clinical experience. She is a clinical supervisor at the Family Counselling Centre of Cambridge and North Dumfries (fcccnd.com), and is the agency representative for the Sexual Assault Response Team of the Region of Waterloo. Nicole collaborated on #MeToo: #NowWhat? on PAGE 22.
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Nourished baby,
Free from additives, preservatives, or fillers.
warm heart
connect with us lovechildorganics.com
UP FRONT | RECIPE
Cam’s Pesto & Pea Omelet MAKES: 1 TODDLER-SIZE SERVING PREP TIME: 2 MINUTES COOK TIME: 5 MINUTES
1 egg 1 tsp of your favorite pesto 1/2 tsp virgin coconut oil, ghee, or butter 2 tbsp frozen peas
SPRING FRESH Story by LEAH GARRAD-COLE
Chicken, Apricot & Fresh Herb Patties MAKES: 18 PATTIES PREP TIME: 1 HOUR COOK TIME: 12 MINUTES
8 dried unsulfured apricots Small handful cilantro leaves (avoid the stems if you can) 4 boneless skinless chicken thighs (or 10.5 oz ground chicken thighs) 1 tsp chia seeds
1. In a small bowl, using a fork, whisk the egg with the pesto. 2. Add the oil and peas to a small skillet, and cook for approximately 1 minute on medium-high heat until the peas are thawed. 3. Add the egg and let cook for a minute or so to let the bottom firm up. Using a spatula, gently lift the edges, tilting the pan to allow uncooked egg to run to the bottom of the pan and become cooked. Once no more egg runs to the edges, gently lift the omelet and carefully turn it over. If it breaks, don’t worry. You’ll be cutting it up anyway. Allow to cook for 1 minute longer, then cut into bite-size pieces to serve.
1/4 cup quick oats (“pure” or certified gluten-free oats if you are avoiding gluten) 1/4 tsp ground cumin 1. Put the dried apricots in a small bowl and cover them with hot water. Allow to rehydrate for approximately 15 minutes. 2. Drain the apricots, chop them into rough pieces, then put them in the food processor with the cilantro. 3. Put the raw chicken thighs in the food processor, then blend until the chicken looks ground. Add the chia seeds, the quick oats, and the cumin and blend for another 30 seconds or so until everything looks fully combined. 4. Put the mixture in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes to allow the chia seeds and oats to hydrate and set. 5. When ready to bake the patties, preheat the oven to 400°F and line a baking tray with parchment paper. 6. Using your hands, form 18 small, 1/4-inch-thick patties and lay them out on the tray. You’ll want to use just under 1 tablespoon of the mixture per patty. 7. Bake for 12 minutes, turning the patties halfway through. When cooked, they will be opaque with patches of darker brown caramelization. Freeze these on a tray, then transfer to a freezer bag or airtight container to freeze for up to 3 months. Warm gently in the oven at 350°F for 10–15 minutes. Excerpted from It All Begins with Food by Leah Garrad-Cole. Copyright © 2017 Leah Garrad-Cole. Photography copyright © 2017 Janis Nicolay. Published by Appetite by Random House®, a division of Penguin Random House Canada Limited. Reproduced by arrangement with the Publisher. All rights reserved.
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UP FRONT | FERMENTATION
FRIENDLY FERMENTATION Promoting good gut bacteria with fermented food Story by TANIA HEINEMANN
D
id you know that the human body contains more bacteria than human cells by a ratio of 10-to-1? These microorganisms make up 80 percent of your immune system and live both inside the body and on our skin. Antibiotic usage, diet, stress and many other factors, including if we were breastfed or formula fed, affect the kind of bacteria we host. To encourage good bacteria to grow and keep our immune systems strong (new evidence suggests that probiotics affect our mental health and mood too!), we need to take care of our health and feed the good bacteria. Fermented foods contain live microorganisms, the good ones, this helps keep our bodies stay strong. kefir grains
sauerkraut
kombucha
kimchi pickles
Kefir Kefir is a bit like yogurt, except that it’s more of a drinkable consistency. Researchers report kefir may reduce irritation in the intestines, preventing toxins and other pathogens from getting into the blood. If you’re choosing to drink dairy kefir, make sure it’s organic and isn’t loaded with refined sugar. There are options for making your own dairyfree water kefir, and many health
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food companies online sell kefir grains specifically for the purpose of making your own. Kombucha Made from tea, clean water, sugar, and bacteria, kombucha has become popular recently for its probiotic qualities. It tastes like a carbonated fruit juice and has a friendly taste. Kombucha reduces gas, bloating and helps create healthy bowel movements.
THE HOLISTIC PARENT Spring 2018
Sauerkraut Traditional sauerkraut preparation uses water, salt and cabbage, and very little heat is applied to the final product in order to prevent killing off beneficial microbes. The sour taste comes from lactofermentation, or the breakdown of lactose by the probiotic bacteria native to the cabbage. A serving gives you a powerful dose of healthy probiotics that aid digestion, and research has
found raw sauerkraut prevents cancer cells from forming. Be sure to purchase raw sauerkraut, or better yet, make it yourself with organic cabbage and Himalayan salt. Kimchi This spicy Asian fermented cabbage, similar to sauerkraut, provides you with loads of probiotics. Extensive research indicates it contributes to colon health, lower cholesterol, better thinking, a stronger
immune system, healthy skin and weight loss. Additional research also shows it has anti-oxidative, anti-aging and immune-supporting properties. Pickles Raw pickles, much like sauerkraut, are a great introduction to fermented foods. Pickles made by lacto-fermentation are a delicious snack that aid digestion and support a strong immune system.
supplements
Supplements Some people opt to take a probiotic supplement in addition to eating fermented foods or instead of eating fermented foods. Probiotic supplements are available in liquid, tablets, capsules or powder. They are a healthy choice for pets too — dogs, cats and horses! Your local health food store will carry many options for babies to adults, including Bio Gia for infants, Metagenics and Genestra (now owned by Nestle). Research has been promising for these friendly critters. Potential benefits of probiotics have been seen in the treatment or prevention of: • d iarrhea • irritable bowel syndrome • u lcerative colitis • Crohn’s disease • H. pylori (the cause of ulcers) • vaginal infections • urinary tract infections • recurrence of bladder cancer • infection of the digestive tract caused by Clostridium difficile • pouchitis (a possible side effect of surgery that removes the colon) • eczema in children
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local love PRODUCTS | LOCAL LOVE
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Purple Power Wild Soul Vibrations Energy & Crystal Healing This amethyst and smoky quartz crystal healing necklace was designed with intuitive development and emotional balance in mind. Amethyst helps to uplift the body, mind and soul, while smoky quartz helps to calm emotions and bring clarity to the mind. All Wild Soul Vibrations Crystal Jewelry is handmade in Hespeler with healing intention and crafted from genuine crystals.
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MIND | MINDFUL MOMMA
THE WISDOM OF PATIENCE Story by NICOLE SCHIENER
“Patience is a form of wisdom. It demonstrates that we understand and accept the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time.” - Jon Kabat-Zinn
F
our years ago, I was drawn to a rock with the word “patience” carved into it, and the powerful intention to be calmer and more loving and accepting of my life and those in it, especially my children. That rock became my daily companion as I committed to 10 minutes each morning and night to sit in stillness, to quiet my noisy mind and reset my delicate nervous system. Cultivating the wisdom of patience is such a wonderful benefit of mindfulness. The patience to allow our precious children to unfold in their own beautiful ways. The patience with the state of our homes, releasing the pressure as we recognize we can only do so much, and our value and worth is not based on how tidy our house is. Or for that matter, how clean or polished we look or smell. Life with kids is messy and stinky sometimes. We are all just doing our best and some days especially when we are sleep deprived or there is sickness, simply getting through the day is enough. The patience for our own healing process if we rise to accept the challenging yet incredibly rewarding invitations conscious parenting offers to embrace our authentic self. There are so many layers of the proverbial onion and so many varied approaches to help us heal. And the patience for our own hopes, dreams and aspirations as we recognize the necessity of putting ourselves first but struggle with the guilt this inevitably triggers. Parenting has and continues to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it’s also ripe with rewards and unexpected beautiful gifts. If you’ve been feeling exhausted or weighed down by unnecessary pressure, I want you
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take away ...
Cultivating the wisdom of patience is such a wonderful benefit of mindfulness.
to know it can get better. Mindfulness changed my life and that of so many of my clients. Deepening into patience over these past four years has not been easy. There are times when anxiety and my ego get the better of me. There are times when I unfairly compare myself to other moms, other colleagues or other writers. But returning to the intention of patience helps me to accept what is and to be gentler with myself and my children. Patience reminds me that we are each on our own path as we journey through life. I try to embrace each stage of my children’s development and use my irritability and anxiety as a sign to back off and deepen into trust. Again not always easy and sometimes fear for a moment overshadows love and faith. But mindfulness helps me catch myself quicker. It helps me soothe the worrier within and model surrendering. Almost always my children rise up when given the space and the chance. Sometimes I feel the demons of self-criticism and striving lurking in the background, chastising me for not having accomplished more or moving on like so many of my peers or for not having enrolled my children in more programming. But then, after a few tears, I breathe. I get quiet and I reflect and celebrate with a grateful heart all the reasons why we are exactly where we need to be right now. Through more patient eyes, I can see the growth in myself and my children. I can see the progress; slow and steady. But most importantly I feel a growing sense of peace. My wish for you is to feel this same joy and peace that comes from returning over and over again to the wisdom of patience. NICOLE SCHIENER is a registered psychotherapist, soulful
writer and public speaker. She is the proud mama of two passionate little people, 7 and 10 years old. Find her poetry and inspiration on Facebook at “Peace and Possibility.” Follow along on her conscious parenting journey on Instagram @mindfulmama_nsm.
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BODY | COGNITIVE FLEXIBILITY
FLEXING AWAY FOOD BATTLES Story By DR. JEN FORRISTAL
A
s I continue to see more and more families in my practice, it’s become clear that while picky eating can be a challenge for even the most patient of parents, we are not winning the food battle with our kids. We know that healthy food is important for our children, but how to get a stubborn child to try new foods is a battle many of us simply give up on. Unfortunately, the default diet for most kids is almost always what is called the “Western diet” — low in fruits, veggies and plants, and high in refined sugar, grains and animal products. It’s what they see their friends eating and what they stubbornly ask for, but it can also have a negative impact on their moods, concentration and ultimately their long-term health. Fortunately, there is a skill we can teach our children that will help give us the edge in this challenging battle. Bravely trying a broad range of foods requires a healthy dose of cognitive flexibility, the skill that allows your child’s mind the flexible thinking required to avoid a firm yes/no list with food and instead approach each new food experience with curiosity. In order to accept that something unfamiliar may be good, we need to have an open mind and not pre-judge or categorize foods based only on past experiences. Here’s how to get started:
BEGIN OUTSIDE THE FOOD SPACE
Start the conversation about how a flexible, open mind can help in other areas of their lives. Purposely change the rules of the games you play, mix up your daily routines and praise them when you see them being open-minded and using cognitive flexibility. Make flexibility a value you are excited about in your family.
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take away ...
By helping your child practice the skill of cognitive flexibility you can go a long way in helping them choose a diet that will empower them.
PUT FOODS IN THE GREY ZONE
My children aren’t fans of stir-fried zucchini, but love our zucchini chocolate chip muffins. I will often remind them of this when they attempt to swear off zucchini forever. If you can find one exception to the food your child dislikes, you can put that food in the grey zone, increasing the chance they will look at it more openly when a new preparation is encountered. Tell them, “It’s not that you don’t like zucchini, it’s just that you don’t like it like this.” Look for new recipes and pairings that will help to present the foods in flavour combinations they may like. SHIFT THEIR PERSPECTIVE
The next step is to help your child form a connection between the flexibility of their brain and new food choices. When you provide kids with the opportunity to transfer their learning about open mindedness to new situations, like the dinner table, you help to make their brain more flexible. Remind them that they’re using that new skill when they try something new. As they sit peering at the unfamiliar food make it fun for them. Flex your biceps, make a flexing face and encourage them to flex their brain by trying the new food. Research shows that humour also builds cognitive flexibility and helps us to be more open-minded. Make it a point of family pride when someone (adults included) tries something new. PRACTICE AS A FAMILY
Picky eating isn’t a switch that can be flipped overnight. A broad palate takes time and practice to build. Show your child what it looks like to push your own black-and-white beliefs regularly. I have very clear childhood memories of watching my dad try a raw tomato once a year, hopeful that this year, his palate for them had changed. Your children are always watching you and even if your child stubbornly won’t practice at first, you can certainly start practicing in front of them. You may find a few new foods to add to your menu too. By helping your child practice the skill of cognitive flexibility you can go a long way in helping them choose a diet that will empower them to learn and grow. DR. JEN FORRISTAL is a naturopathic doctor specializing in family medicine and pediatrics. She practices at True Wellness Integrative Health Centre by Fiddleheads in Kitchener. mydrjen.com
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SPIRIT | GERD
SURVIVING REFLUX A baby in pain Story by ELIZABETH WISE
L
ike every previous Monday since I had my first daughter, I ventured to the grocery store to complete my weekly shopping task. This time, however, was the first time I tried to accomplish this mundane task with two kids. I rushed to checkout as my youngest screamed her tiny face off from inside the stroller. It was the kind of scream that draws accusing stares, questioning eyes of “why don’t you just pick her up?” I couldn’t even make it to the car before two separate “helpful” women commented, “Oh, somebody must be hungry!” and “Aw, nap time!” I bit my tongue and squeezed out a smile as I fumbled to get both daughters strapped into the car and load my groceries before my tears started rolling. All I could think was: if only it was that easy. If my daughter was hungry, I would have fed her. If she was tired, I would have held her, rocked her, bounced her or stood on my head to get her to sleep. But for the mother of not only one but two children cursed with gastroesophogeal reflux disease (GERD), I knew that none of that would help. But I couldn’t turn around to those staring eyes or helpful onlookers and scream at them “She’s in pain!” Because for anybody who has neither lived the nightmare nor been close to somebody who has, it just doesn’t make sense. I always knew that babies cried. Even when my oldest daughter spent her first three months either sleeping or crying, I still didn’t understand that something was wrong. She threw up — a lot. Slowly she started to cry before bottles. Then it began to be during bottles, followed closely by screaming horrifically after bottles. But it wasn’t until she started having episodes of holding her breath, going completely rigid and screaming as if she just had a limb broken
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take away ...
You are allowed to hate GERD with every bone in your body because it steals away the newborn days of quiet snuggles and dreamy looks.
that we ended up at the ER with the possible diagnoses of seizures. After a series of questions and exams, she was diagnosed with reflux. To the regular parent, reflux is when a baby spits up. And as we all know, almost every baby has a track record of ruining their fair share of onesies. GERD is when that regurgitation brings up stomach acid that burns the esophagus. And if you’ve ever felt the horrific internal aching that heartburn causes, you could relate to how awful that would feel to a tiny human who knows so little in the world and expects Mom and Dad to be able to make everything better. With both girls, we spent months in weekly pediatrician appointments. And thankfully we had a pediatrician who trusted us and worked with us, instead of just brushing us off and labelling them with the lazy diagnosis of “colic.” Since there is no way to really test medication on babies, GERD is treated with adult medications in small doses. My oldest was on two of these medications and my younger was on three — translating into eight oral syringes per day for months. Although we tried everything we could think of, including chiropractic treatments, high doses of probiotics and hypoallergenic formula, for us, medication was the best choice. The only real cure for GERD (unless failure to thrive is diagnosed) is time. They have to grow out of it. And both of mine did, eventually, after six to nine months of hell. For anyone who knows a family fighting this battle, be a shoulder to lean on; a support system is the only way to survive this. Never tell a GERD parent to “enjoy every moment” or “you’ll miss these days when they’re older” — you are allowed to hate GERD with every bone in your body because it steals away the newborn days of quiet snuggles and dreamy looks. For parents living it right now, you’re a goddamn superhero. We survived, and so will you. ELIZABETH WISE is a freelance designer and visual artist (and the advertising designer for The Holistic Parent). She is also momma to two high-energy daughters and a gentle giant horse named Kahlua.
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COVER | SINGLE PARENTING
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FEATURE | SINGLE PARENTING
SINGLE MOM STRONG Story by: JANE HOBSON
We all know that moms are warriors, but single parenting takes being a mom to a whole new level. Amidst the pain and difficulty of becoming a single parent, there’s light, courage, strength and, ultimately, peace in the process. Selam’s Story
Strength and Happiness
PHOTO: Mantej Rakhra
Selam Debs has been a single mother since she gave birth to her son, Jay, when she was 21 years old. His biological father walked away when she was six months pregnant. Then Debs met a man who she calls Jay’s father. But when Jay was four years old, Debs and Jay’s father split up. Debs says there was the potential to see her single parenting as a struggle but after watching her own parents go through a fiery divorce when she was young, she wanted to break the cycle of conflict. “I didn’t want to do it that way. I chose my sons happiness over disputes and fights.” Debs calls the break-up a “conscious uncoupling” — a culture reference (a la Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin circa 2014) to the idea of ending a relationship in a way that the couple stays friends and mutually agrees that the separation is a positive thing for both of them and their family. It’s about ending a relationship based on integrity and love. “We decided it was OK that we didn’t work out. We had a great experience, but now there’s a more important role here in raising a child,” Debs says. During the split, Debs and Jay’s father supported him by being honest with him through age-appropriate conversations. They continued to do activities together, including getting together at holidays. “I recognized that it was important to show Jay that we really still like each other even though we aren’t in a relationship anymore.” Debs says they spoke compassionately about each other and stayed focused on creating a sustainable schedule that worked for all three of them. “I’m continuously teaching my son that it’s possible to feel good even though there have been challenges,” she says, adding that attachment parenting was the natural way to raise Jay through these challenges. “Things like breastfeeding and sleeping in the same bed was not only convenient since it was just me, but it was a way to gain a deeper connection that really made sense for us.” She said it was key for her to build a strong relationship with him since she didn’t have a partner to split responsibilities with. “Holistic parenting is fundamentally about deciding what life you want for yourself and your child and focusing on manifesting that,” Debs says, adding that she has to learn to forgive herself for feeling like she was doing the same things her parents had
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COVER | SINGLE PARENTING
done. “I had to accept that I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I wanted to show Jay that I stumble, I fall, I fail, but I get up and I do it with a sense of honesty and compassion.” Debs advice for other single parents is to remember that children often mirror their parents’ experience. “[Our children] are here to teach us something, if we are open to it,” she says. “I think if you were to ask your child what they want from you, they would say to grow yourself, to transform who you are as person. If we continue to heal ourselves, that’s the greatest gift we can give our children.” Debs says Jay was also a huge influence in her leaving the corporate world to pursue her dream of being an entrepreneur. She pursued her passion for yoga and became an instructor, and about two years ago she purchased the Community of Hearts Yoga Studio in Waterloo. While she knew she would face more challenges as an entrepreneur/single-mom, she felt that her corporate job forced her to give up creative aspects of herself. “It’s important that I continue to show Jay that passion, effort and discipline can make something work. I teach him this in every aspect of life, so it should be in my work as well.” Now 12 years old, Debs says Jay is a compassionate boy who loves sports and volunteering within the community. “I am happy. I am the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life. I’m at peace.”
Selam Debs doing what she love best, hanging out with her son Jay, 12.
Bronwyn’s Story
Perseverance and Peace “I’ve definitely known my whole life that I wanted to be a mom,” says Bronwyn Addico, who met her exhusband while backpacking around West Africa when
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Marny Williams-Balodis and her family taken one week before her husband Keith died of cancer.
Marny’s Story WIDOWED WARRIOR When Marny Williams-Balodis’ husband, Keith, died of esophageal cancer at 46 years old, she was only 30 and left alone to raise their two children, a three-year-old and a three-month-old. It didn’t take long before Williams-Balodis discovered the lack of support resources for widowed parents. In 2012, she opened the Kitchener-based Hummingbird Centre for Hope. “There is real power in being with peers who get it. That kind of support and sharing of advice and stories is very empowering,” she says. “If I can help one person see hope, then that helps me make sense of Keith’s death.” Williams-Balodis began co-facilitating loss support groups in 2005, and since 2007 has volunteered with Bereaved Families of Ontario – Midwestern Region in a variety of roles. The Hummingbird Centre is a legacy project for her children and the children of co-founder Beth Bailey. The centre facilitates free support groups, hosts memorial events and fundraisers all with the goal of supporting widowed families in the region. She uses her first-hand experience to show other families that they are not alone. She also reminds widowed parents that there is no right or wrong way to grieve (as long as it’s not harming oneself or others, and is not relying on a substance to cope). “Society wants us to grieve a lot faster than we can because people don’t want to us be hurting,” she explains. “It’s important to recognize the things you are doing, rather than the things you think you should be doing. You are surviving this every single day. There is hope.” Raising her children without their father is the hardest thing she’s ever done, Balodis says. “Grief is the price we pay for love. The harder you love someone, the harder you grieve them when they are gone… But you would never give up the love just to avoid the heartache.” Her children are now 18 and 15 years old. They continue to have a relationship with their late father by hearing stories and learning about him through stories told by their mother and grandparents. “There was always a twinkle in his eye and he loved being outdoors. He had a real zest for life,” she remembers. “He was really passionate about living in the moment.” Williams-Balodis remarried in 2009 to a man named Dave. They have a child together. “He’s a phenomenal father to all three of my children,” she says. “I feel blessed and honoured to have this life because I didn’t imagine this kind of life for myself 15 years ago when Keith died.” C
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The Bonus Mom What to expect when your baby becomes someone’s stepchild Story by TRACY POIZNER
If you’re divorced or separated and there are kids involved, you may sooner or later have to face the day your babies’ dad or mom gets a new partner — a stepmother or stepfather! What the heck? Nobody prepares us for this moment. Here’s a quick primer: 1. Your kids will never love you less — not because the new partner pushes the swing longer than you do or they let them stay up late and eat stuff you don’t buy at your house. There is always enough love for you, and you will never be replaced. Relax about that right now.
2. At some point, they might call them mom/dad. Don’t panic! It’s not ideal, but it’s also not the end of the world. It’s more acceptable if the new partner has kids of their own because your child will want to fit in, especially if the stepsiblings are older or if yours is an only child. If you have a partner, and you feel like your kids might eventually call them dad/mom, then you will have to just suck this one up. You can’t have your cake and eat it too!
she was 25 years old. Addico, her ex-husband and his three children from a previous marriage settled in Canada. They had two more children together. The couple divorced due to irreconcilable differences, and Addico’s stepchildren chose to continue living with her. She is now a single mother of five, ranging in age from 4.5 to 19 years old. Addico doesn’t have a relationship with her ex-husband except for communication to arrange for the kids to visit with him. “I think parenting is a balance between presenting our values and allowing [our kids] to make their own choices,” says Addico, who is a doula and child educator. “Regardless of whether or not they are my biological children, I love them the same and having this opportunity to be a part of their lives and watch them develop into people is amazing.” During the divorce, Addico says it worked best to talk to each of the children individually since they all had different experiences with their father. This allowed Addico to connect with each child in a safe space. The family tried resources like support groups and therapy as well. She says some techniques were effective and others were not. “I’ve learned that it’s best to take the recommendations you’re being given, see if it works, and if it doesn’t, just don’t do it.” A family is going through enough stress and difficulty during
3. Try your best to get along with their other parents. You must never, ever speak badly of either of them to the children, or allow them to overhear such comments. They should never be made to feel that if they want your approval, they must dislike dad/mom or the new partner. This is childish and completely devastating to your child’s self-esteem. No exceptions.
4. The very best thing you can do for your children is to make sure that they know that they have the right to love both their parents all the time. Your ex-partner cannot be divorced from your kids. The only way for your children to learn to love themselves is to be able to love both of their parents, despite their flaws. This is true, unbelievably, even for parents who are cruel or abusive. Ask any therapist.
5. You will miss your kids when they are away. Funny thing, because when you had them all the time you would have cut off an arm to have a weekend to yourself! Use this precious time to work on those feelings of loneliness, sadness, abandonment or whatever comes up. Start meditating, journaling, or anything that works for you to process your emotions so that your kids don’t end up feeling responsible for your happiness. Nobody ever sees that one coming, but children are very sensitive to our emotions. Working on your old wounds and limiting beliefs could be the start of a new you, the better version of yourself that was just waiting for a reason to be born.
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A recent shot of Bronwyn Addico with her five children ranging in age from 4.5 to 19 years old.
a divorce, so if a technique isn’t working don’t be afraid to drop it, she says. “The goal is to strive for balance. Pick your battles.” Addico’s experience with her children influenced her to run her own business. She is now the co-owner of Balancing From Birth to Baby, a Kitchener-based resource centre that helps people prepare for parenthood. “Parenthood is the biggest change you’ll go through. You have no idea what your reality is going to be.” While unmarried, Addico is not alone in raising her children. “I’m very lucky that my parents only live a few blocks away. They are my primary support.” She assures other single parents that there are other people to share the load with. Her advice is to never stay in an unhappy relationship out of fear that single parenting will be too hard. “I used to think that too, but boy, was I ever wrong. I would take single-parenting over being in an unhappy marriage any day.” Now running her own business and raising her children in a peaceful and happy home, Addico says she’s absolutely happy. “I feel like I’m 17 again — except this time I’m smarter.”
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FEATURE | SEXUAL ASSAULT
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A collaboration between ELAINE KAPOGINES & NICOLE SCHIENER
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nless you live under a rock, in October your social media was unexpectedly flooded with six little characters: #MeToo. Your friends, sisters, wives, girlfriends, co-workers, mothers and grandmothers were all simultaneously stepping out of the shadows in an unprecedented stand against the communal silence of sexual assault. And what followed was the deafening screams of millions and millions of survivors not just saying “Me Too!” but “No More!” So although October 2017 may go down in history as a cultural tipping-point (we can all hope, right?), many of us are left asking ourselves, “Now What?” How do we translate the intial impact of the hashtag into long-lasting change? Publisher Elaine Kapogines recently connected with Nicole Schiener, RP, clinical supervisor at the Family Counselling Centre of Cambridge and North Dumfries and the agency representative for the Sexual Assault Response Team of the Region of Waterloo, to discuss specifically how we as parents can keep the converstation going with the goal of enciting real social and systemic change for our children. Here’s an excerpt from their conversation:
Elaine: From your perspective, why was the #MeToo campaign so important? Nicole: One of the most devastating effects of sexual abuse or assault is the emotional scars that remain long after any physical scars have faded. For the majority of women and men, stigma and victim-blaming have led to suffering in silence, making unwanted sexual experiences feel like “dirty secrets.” Not only does this prevent people from healing, but it leaves people feeling alone and ashamed thinking they’ve done something wrong. Trauma is stored in the body, so despite our best efforts to forget and move on or pretend like we are OK, unhealed trauma can haunt us and harm our relationships. It can impact our physical and mental health, and can even be passed on to the next generation in their cellular memory. Pregnancy, childbirth, an unexpected change or stressor or when your child is the same age when the abuse started or stopped can trigger flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety or other trauma symptoms. #MeToo helped to break this silence in a profound way. This unprecedented sharing reduced shame and isolation by bringing this issue up to the light and helping people see they are not alone. Simple
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“likes” and empathic comments sent the message that people are worthy of healing — there is safety in numbers, and I believe seeing friends, relatives and people of influence post the hashtag helped women, and later men, call on their courage to acknowledge this part of their story.
Elaine: What were some obvious successes about the campaign? Do you see any negative effects?
Nicole: Awareness is the first step towards change, and change does not happen until people feel uncomfortable. I think this campaign was successful in making more men aware and uncomfortable as they could not deny the number of women they knew, loved or cared for who had been violated in some way. If we want sexual assault and harassment to end, we need men to stop the behaviour. All men must start to challenge the patriarchal beliefs of entitlement and power over as well as promote instead of reject the traditionally feminine qualities of vulnerability, collaboration and shared power. I was encouraged to see some men start to have these
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SEXUAL ASSAULT | FEATURE
conversations in response to the movement, especially those who were willing to look at the subtle and not so subtle ways they had used power over women, even if they had never harassed or assaulted a woman. I believe this is crucial for more men to join the movement because despite women’s best efforts the incidents of sexual assault and harassment are not declining and other types of violation like sexual exploitation and trafficking as well as using technology to violate and harass women are on the rise. Women may have started the conversation, but both men and women need to keep it going. The Male Allies program through the Sexual Assault Support Centre trains male volunteers to educate boys and young men and puts on workshops in schools and in the community. The White Ribbon campaign is another great resource for boys and men. Our agency has groups for both women and men and recently launched an Instagram page @riseaboveyouthfcc as part of our commitment to educate and empower young people about healthy relationships. Possible negatives from the #MeToo movement are that it potentially opened up wounds for survivors and/or caused vicarious trauma. Even for myself, I felt unprepared for some of the graphic details that came across my newsfeed. Fear and distrust in others can be intensified and lead to being overprotective with our children. Unhealed trauma symptoms can cause us to be reactive or emotionally unavailable to our children. It’s important to remember that the majority of sexual abuse and assault is perpetrated by someone the victim knows. Getting help for yourself and affirming that you and your children are safe when you feel triggered can help to lessen fear and other symptoms. I read an article by a parent who expressed fear that allegations made through social media were eroding the presumption of “innocent until proven guilty.” I think the most important thing we can do is to teach our sons not to put themselves in positions where such accusations could be made.
Elaine: One of the criticisms of the movement was that it’s essentially putting the onus on the victims to come forward where the perpetrators are still able to “hide in the shadows.” As someone who works with sexual abuse survivors, do you see this paradigm as problematic?
Nicole: No movement or initiative is without its flaws. This is a complex issue that moving forward needs a multi-pronged approach with special consideration for the needs of diverse and underprivileged populations. Personally, I found the movement to reduce victim blaming due to the magnitude of people sharing and the mostly positive responses. An angry woman is a powerful woman, and a group of angry women cannot be ignored. For too long, women have received messages like “Put up and shut up” or “Keep the peace,” but at what expense? While I commend the brave women who came forward, I would never judge or think less of those women who chose not to tell their story. As Glennon Doyle says, “We must share from our scars and not our open wounds.” Systemic changes are needed for all women to feel safe to come forward.
Elaine: In your practice, have you seen any noticeable changes in the number of women seeking counselling since the start of the #MeToo hashtag?
Nicole: I have definitely had clients seek support for counselling because they were triggered by stories in the media or in their community. I also commend recent decisions by Council to provide additional funding to our local Sexual Assault Support Centre, who have noticed an unprecedented increase in the number of referrals to the centre immediately following #MeToo. Elaine: One focus of the movement is to help educate and protect the next generation (our sons and daughters), what are some tangible areas parents can focus with their children (male and female) to stop the cycle?
Nicole: 1) Be a positive role model: We need to talk about and model healthy relationships, including dealing with conflict in safe and healthy ways rather than behind closed doors, disrespectfully or abusively. We need to do our own work so we can be fully present for open, non-judgmental communication. We can start asking our sons and daughters questions about how they feel about music and media that sexualizes, objectifies or stereotypes either gender. We need to support our boys to be vulnerable, soothe them rather than scold them when they cry and celebrate our daughter’s strengths and intelligence over their appearance. 2) Boundaries and consent: Watching us maintain our boundaries and respecting our children’s and others’ boundaries helps safeguard our children.Many survivors were never taught boundaries or internalized the message that they don’t have a right to their boundaries. We can’t teach what we don’t know, so it’s imperative to learn how to practice healthy boundaries. I loved the book Because It’s My Body, and would often practice with my children saying these words loud and proud. We also need to teach our children the proper names for body parts, talk about good touch and bad touch and the difference between secrets and surprises. Sometimes it can be hard balancing their needs with our responsibilities as a parent, like when my daughter is refusing to let me brush her hair. But I find it helps to acknowledge her feelings, affirm that it is her body and then give her choices. As children get older talking to them in language they understand about the five pillars of consent — ongoing, freely given, specific, informed and enthusiastic — can help to empower them to know what is OK and is not. 3) Encourage authentic power: We need to make sure our daughters and sons know their worth is not dependent on what they do for others, including us. It’s not their job to make anyone happy. Their needs matter, and they have a right to say “no” if they feel uncomfortable in anyway. We must teach our children that their words and actions matter, and they cannot stay silent in the face of sexual harassment or attempted assault.
For additional resources on sexual assault services in our region, as well as more information about #MeToo, visit our website at www.theholisticparent.ca/blog. theholisticparent.ca
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FEATURE | GBS
GBS
THE BIG BAD BACTERIA?
Know your options when it comes to pregnancy and group B strep Story by DR. SAMINA MITHA
Our
bodies are made up of a variety of different bacteria; some bacteria are good for our bodies while others can cause illness. Group B streptococcus (GBS or group B strep) is a type of bacteria (specifically Streptococcus agalactiae) naturally found in our bodies that generally does not cause problems for most individuals. Typically, GBS is found in the digestive tract, urinary tract and lower reproductive tract in both men and women. It’s estimated that approximately one-in-four pregnant women will carry GBS, and that approximately 25 to 40 percent of those pregnant women will have it in their vagina. GBS has become a hot topic, and even though cases are rare, it can cause severe infection in newborns in the first week of life and even up to a few months after birth. In newborns, GBS is the leading cause of sepsis (infection of the blood), meningitis (infection of the lining of the brain and spinal cord) and pneumonia (infection of the lungs). It’s important to think about prevention, treatment and your options if you are in fact a carrier of GBS during pregnancy. How do you get GBS?
How do I know if I have GBS?
Being a carrier of GBS does not mean you are “unclean.” Anyone can be a carrier; some individuals have it and others simply don’t. It can also come and go depending on the person. It is not a sexually transmitted disease or infection.
A routine screening test is done between weeks 35 and 37 of pregnancy. The screening test involves a swab of both the vagina and the rectum. The test is simple and pain-free. The sample is then analyzed in the lab to detect GBS. Typically, results are provided within 24 to 48 hours after the test completion. If it is present, the mother is termed “GBS positive.”
What are the symptoms of GBS? Generally, there are no symptoms associated with having GBS. In fact, many women are not even aware they are carriers. However, it can cause an infection of the urinary tract, amniotic fluid and/ or uterus after delivery. Whether or not you’re a carrier of GBS, if you have symptoms of a urinary infection, including burning during urination, urine culture testing should be completed. Please consult your healthcare provider if this occurs.
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What if you test positive for GBS? Being GBS positive does not mean that you will, in fact, pass the bacteria on to your baby. According to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), if you test positive but are not at a high risk, the chances of you delivering a baby with GBS are 1 in 200 without antibiotic treatment, and 1 in 4,000 with antibiotic treatment.
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FEATURE | GBS
How does GBS affect babies?
1) Risk Factor Approach
As mentioned previously, babies can experience either early-onset or late-onset of GBS. Common symptoms include feeding problems, irritability, fussiness, inactivity or limpness and inability to have a healthy body temperature.
Involves giving antibiotics if the mother meets one or more of the following risk factors: • Gestation less than 37 weeks • Rupture of membranes for more than 18 hours • Intrapartum fever of 38°C or higher • GBS in urine during pregnancy • Prior infant with GBS
Early-onset GBS Infection • Signs and symptoms within hours after delivering baby • Trouble breathing • Variability in blood pressure • Problems associated with kidneys and digestive system • Pneumonia, sepsis and meningitis are considered the most common complications
Late-onset GBS Infection • Signs and symptoms can occur within one week or a few months after delivery • Meningitis is considered the most common symptom • Can be acquired during delivery or the baby having contact with someone who has GBS
What are some of the common medical treatments for GBS? To provide a little bit of history: In 1996, the following two approaches to treatment of GBS were acceptable:
2) Universal Screening Approach • All carriers of GBS during the screening test at 35 and 37 weeks are given antibiotic treatment • All women who have GBS in their urine, or a child with GBS in the past, do not get the swab at 35 to 37 weeks and automatically get antibiotic treatment In 2002, the CDC issued new guidelines that recommend a policy for the universal screening approach. It should be noted that there are a few drawbacks to each approach; the risk-based approach may not detect early onset GBS if risk factors are not present at labour, and pregnancies of high risk may be missed with screening at 35 to 37 weeks in the universal screening approach. It’s important to know that you have a choice in the approach that is best suited for you and your family. Please speak to your healthcare provider to determine which approach is best suited for you.
ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS FOR GBS Alternative therapies can be considered if you are GBS positive. While it’s important to prevent the transfer of bacteria from mother to baby, it is also important to consider the healthy bacteria that is transferred as the baby passes through the birth canal. Antibiotics work to kill all microbes both good and bad, thereby preventing this natural exchange of healthy microflora to the baby. Below are some therapies to consider:
1. Probiotics A high-quality probiotic is key here. You want to promote an environment of healthy flora. The best way you can do this is by taking an oral probiotic.
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You can also use the probiotic as a vaginal suppository to get the healthy bacteria more specifically in the vagina. Probiotics should be taken throughout the whole pregnancy, however, if you are GBS positive it is especially important to take a probiotic supplement.
2. Echinacea Also known as the purple cone flower, Echinacea angustifolia is known for its antimicrobial effects. The root of the Echinacea plant has been shown to have activity against Streptococcus making it one of the most indicated botanicals in the case of Group B Streptococcus. (Echinacea
Spring 2018
is an herbal supplement, please consult your healthcare provider before starting any new supplement, especially when pregnant.)
3. Garlic Garlic can be a great option in GBS as it is known as a natural antibiotic. Fresh raw garlic can be used orally and as a vaginal suppository. Another option is a garlic supplement in a capsule form.
4. Vitamin C Increasing your vitamin C intake is key for the immune system. Opt for foods such as kiwis, bell peppers, oranges, broccoli, tomatoes and strawberries. These therapies can be
done after you test positive for GBS or as prevention before you get testing done. You can consider taking these natural treatments and then getting another culture test completed to see if you are still GBS positive before going into labour. As always, please speak with your naturopathic doctor to discuss what options are right for you before taking any naturopathic therapies in pregnancy.
DID YOU KNOW? “While universal screening is recommended in the United States, Canada, and Belgium, it is not currently recommended in the United Kingdom or New Zealand.”
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FEATURE | SEX
SEX AFTER BABY 8 real-life tips for new parents Story By KELLY MCDONNELL-ARNOLD
T
he phrase, “Not now, honey, I’m tired,” takes on whole new meaning when you have a baby. Round-the-clock feedings and diaper changes aren’t exactly an aphrodisiac — more like a formula for chronic fatigue — and sleep will naturally take precedence over sex when you’re a new parent. There are steps, however, you can take to ensure that you and your partner don’t lose that loving feeling.
Be Realistic In addition to the sheer amount of physical labour involved in caring for a baby, becoming a parent also requires a radical emotional and psychological shift in which your focus changes from yourself and your partner’s needs to those of your child. And yet, even with all those changes you can still nurture your relationship with your partner. Simple things like making more eye contact, offering heartfelt compliments, and giving frequent hugs, kisses and caresses can go a long way toward maintaining the romantic connection.
Let Nature Take Its Course It’s not that Mother Nature doesn’t want you to get busy in the bedroom; it’s just not her priority once baby arrives. Certain chemical and physical changes among women reinforce that fact. Breastfeeding moms may not feel up to having their breasts touched or played with, for example. And while breastfeeding promotes bonding between mom and baby through the release of oxytocin (aka, the love hormone), it can also interfere with the production of testosterone, a key hormone in a healthy libido. Give yourself time and take it slow. Enjoy the warm-and-fuzzy feelings that arise from this new form of interaction with your child and partner.
Recognize The Game Has Changed You can never prepare for how your life and relationship will change once baby makes three. Instead of living in the past and lamenting certain losses, make a point of celebrating the fact that you and your partner are falling in love simultaneously with another person — your baby. You’re exploring a whole new territory of love and connection together, which will only deepen your intimacy over the long term.
Establish One Core Relationship Goal You’ve got a lot on your plate so don’t overload yourself with relationship stress on top of everything else. If you want to see improvement, though, then simplify by focusing on one specific relationship goal. For example, your goal might be “I want to connect physically on a daily basis.” That could mean making a point to hold hands with your partner, to kiss more often, or to snuggle up at bed time. Building up your post-baby desirability and confidence will help you achieve that broader “I want better sex” goal.
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Get Creative Sometimes, it really is the small things that make the greatest difference in our day-to-day lives. Sure, a pricey weekend getaway would be ideal, but that’s not always feasible. A “stay-cation” is infinitely easier and can do a world of good. Your mini-holiday could mean a relaxing bubble bath together while the baby sleeps, or perhaps it’s simply giving the housework a pass for the day. Ask yourself: “Do I want to spend my time picking up toys and making complicated dinners, or do I want to enjoy time with my partner and order takeout?”
Sex is Good for Your Overall Health Stop thinking of sex and sleep as either/or. Many couples get into the rut of thinking they’d rather sleep than have sex. That pattern continues until you can’t remember the last time you were intimate with your partner. Rather than fall into the exhausted parent rut, consider sex as the means to a better night’s sleep for both of you. (Couples that engage in regular sex are more likely to experience high-quality sleep than couples that don’t.) Still, if you want to have sex you have to strategize by making intimate time a priority. Go to bed a bit earlier. If you’re wide awake and alert when you lay down, you’re more likely to be interested in sexual activity. Give yourself time to allow desire to build.
Take Care of Your Pelvic Floor Your pelvic floor muscles need to contract to maintain control of your bladder and relax to allow for urination, bowel movements and sexual function. If you have allowed your body an appropriate amount of time to heal following childbirth, and pain is still a barrier to sexual activity, it’s advisable to connect with your physician or seek out a pelvic floor physiotherapist. Pre- and post-pregnancy issues may include: pain during or following intercourse, orgasm or stimulation, leakage, bulging and scarring from a C-section, or discomfort from tearing or an episiotomy. Sex is meant to be pleasurable, you are not required to tolerate or accept painful sex.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby If you want to have better, more adventurous, or just more frequent sex then you have to express that need. The most effective way to get more of what you want is to talk about it clearly with your partner. Open lines of communication about wants and needs in the bedroom are key to a happy relationship and a healthy sex life. Think about it: You talk about money and parenting style, why not talk about sex? Just like anything else, if sex needs are not talked about, problems will fester and become a bigger issue in the relationship. By talking through all aspects of your relationship with your partner — from money to parenting style to sex — you only make the relationship stronger, not weaker. Talk about how you’re feeling sexually now, how your attraction and desires have changed, and how you’d like to feel going forward. You’ll be glad you did.
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Spring 2018 THE HOLISTIC PARENT
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BACK PAGE | SELF CARE
BUBBLE BATHS & BULLET JOURNALS Story by ELAINE KAPOGINES
I
’d never heard the term “self care” until I started attending mommy groups when my first daughter was about six months old (and I was bored, isolated and needed to converse with someone who’s answers were more sophisticated than “mama” or *woof*). I attended several meet-ups where the topic du jour was discussing and brainstorming strategies for self care. We’d make lists of self care activities, strategize how to make time for it, and recite the mantra that we all deserved our “me time.” At this point in my mommyhood, I figured just having a shower was about as much self care as I could handle. The concept of self care is a glorious one — it gives us permission to focus on ourselves amidst the chaos of parenthood. It reminds us that parenthood isn’t a sentence of martyrdom and that just because we are permanently emblazoned with the moniker of “Mommy” doesn’t mean we need to lose the moniker of “Me.” It empowers us to view ourselves as a worthy investment. But — stay with me here — I feel like somewhere along the way, self care has gone a little off the rails. A quick Instagram search and you’ll find over 4.2 million references to #selfcare — yoga poses and bullet journals, sunsets and face creams, bubble baths, gym selfies, vitamins, bedheads and post-massage glows. I’m trying desperately to stop myself from typing the word frivolous, because these activities in and of themselves are not the least bit frivolous — especially for a new mom, they could be critical components to maintaining and/or regaining control over your mental health. Quite the opposed of frivolous, all of these activities have value if they help you maintain some semblence of sanity. However, our self-indulgent world of social media has turned an extremely powerful concept into one of mani-pedis and spa days, where, in reality, it’s so much more important than that. But upon further reflection, maybe it’s not self care itself that’s gone off the rails, but the way we are living our lives as mothers. What a bizarre world we live in where a basic necessity like taking care of ourselves needs to be discussed, scheduled and justified under an Instagram-worthy hashtag. This increasing reliance on self care is simply a symptom of a larger problem — moms are burning out. The massive expectation that we can “have it all” is destroying our sanity. We are being eaten alive by soul-crushing mom guilt. Working moms, stay-at-home moms, work-at-home moms, moms on mat leave —we’re all simultaneously falling victim to societal expectations and when we (obviously!) feel like we’re falling short, we’re drowning in guilt. And people are wondering why maternal mental health is such an important topic! So what’s society’s response to mommy burnout? The bandage of self care. Moms are encouraged, praised and even celebrated for their participation in acts of self care. But why are we discussing ways to escape our lives rather than discussing ways to make our lives
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THE HOLISTIC PARENT Spring 2018
something we don’t want to escape from? I want to create a life where I enjoy being me as a mom and wife, not one where I’m so tired, frustrated, lost and angry that I need to schedule time to check out. Self care should be less about the instant gratification of the activity and more about taking steps to make our lives more livable. What can you do to make your day-to-day routine seem less overwhelming? Maybe it’s something tangible like spending a day preparing freezer meals so that dreaded late-afternoon timeslot is less stressful. Or maybe it’s something larger scale like cutting out a toxic relationship, talking to your boss about the raise you know you deserve, or simply reaching out and asking for help (probably the single most difficult thing for a mom to do). Maybe self care is the dirty work, not the reward for surviving another day. I contributed to a blog post last year for The Bump to Baby Show’s website and one of the questions she asked me was “How do you practice self care?” This question actually had me stumped. In the last six months, I feel like I’m in a better place to focus on myself — I found a gym that I love going to, I started seeing a naturopathic doctor, an osteopath and a massage therapist for nagging issues I’ve pushed aside, and I’m eating healthier than ever before. But I struggle to call these things “self care” — if I wasn’t a mom, these would just be normal elements of everyday life, but as mothers, we’re expected to push our needs aside and when we do take time for ourselves we call it self care to alleviate our own guilt. After some reflection, I realized that my self care comes in the form of running my business. Even though it can be stressful, overwhelming and sometimes leaves me questioning what I got myself into, it provides me with the fulfulment I crave outside of my “job” as full-time mom and wife. When I’m working on my business, I feel more like “me” — I feel smart, confident, capable and energized (not things I usually associate with parenting two “spirited” daughers). I also believe the time investment I’m putting in now will hopefully pay off for our family in the long term by providing me with a flexible, full-time career down the road. Every minute I spend on my business is a minute that’s going towards creating the life I want to lead. It’s not glamorous or photo-worthy, but it fills my cup. I’m not diminishing the need for the massages, quiet sunsets or bubble baths — every mom recharges in her own way (and I would never judge anyone for how they chose to spend their time!) — but just imagine a life were you get to do something fun or frivolous simply because you want to, and not because it’s a mandated timeout before you snap. ELAINE KAPOGINES is the publisher and owner of The Holistic Parent magazine. Visit theholisticparent.ca for additional content and digital copies of past issues.
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