Humor Issue #2

The Horace Mann Record HORACE MANN’S WEEKLY NEWSPAPER SINCE 1903

MAY 22ND, 2020 || VOLUME 117, ISSUE 30

RECORD.HORACEMANN.ORG

A Gift from the Lord: Virtual English Office Opens Henry Owens Staff writer and brother of Gustie, whose article is directly below “Now more than ever, we need a space to talk to our teachers–obviously from the English department–about everything that’s going on at school and in the world,” Ivana Reede (11) said.

During HM Online, many students like Reede have been missing their usual interactions with teachers, from saying hello in the hallways to stopping by offices. “In the before times, I would spend most of my free periods hanging out with Phip,” Rita Booker (12) said.

“Now I have even more free periods but can’t visit the English office; I don’t know what to do!”

The withdrawal from normal office routine has been challenging for many English teachers as well.

English teacher Adrian Phipenoff said that not chatting with colleagues or dealing with students interrupting him has made grading essays a much faster process. Although he generally

completes the grading after a day or two, Phipenoff will often hold on to essays for another couple weeks to maintain the timeline students are accustomed to, he said.

“The increased productivity of not being in a shared office is upsetting,” English teacher Cierra McOnwheel said. “I’ve gotten used to not leaving the house, but I just can’t seem to adapt to the lack of interruptions from students.”

The lack of an English office may also be harmful to some students’ emotional wellbeing. “My English teacher is my therapist, best friend, and father figure,” Reede said. “Not being able to cry in his office makes me want to cry. But now where can I cry?”

In response to comments from both students and teachers, the English Department officially announced the establishment of virtual English offices that will be open 24 hours a day, every day. Whether teachers are in class or eating lunch, their webcams will be turned on so students can immediately drop in and start a conversation with

no notice, or just watch their teachers sleep.

“It was a relief to be seeing my colleagues on Zoom as we all silently did our work,” Phipenoff said about the first day of the virtual English office.

“I was reading a bedtime story to

Top 10 ways my quarantine days are similar to high school

my daughter May when a student interrupted to ask me for an extension on an essay due a week earlier,” McOnwheel said. “May started crying and wouldn’t go to sleep, but it was wonderful getting to check in with my student!”

Due to its immense success and

Gabby Fischberg/Art Director

positive reception, the virtual English office will be continuing through the summer. However, so that teachers will not need to be available the same hours as during the school year, the office will be closing from 10:00 to 10:20 AM every day.

Gustie Owens EIC Emeritus, reporting to you from quarantine in an abandoned fraternity house

Students share quarantine voices with their teachers

1. I’m eating hummus for every meal.

Nelson Gaillard Hairline Boy

The Sabra To-Go hummus packages were essential on my trek from Fisher to Tillinghast, but they’re even more essential now as I trek from the side of my bed where I do school work to the side of my bed where I watch Leave it to Beaver.

2. I’m having zero physical contact.

The most contact I’ve had this quarantine was having a doctor dressed up as an astronaut poke my nostril with a well-endowed q-tip. And somehow that’s still more action than I got in high school.

3. I hate my parents.

I hated them in high school for supporting me through Horace Mann, feeding me, and clothing me. Now I hate them for being my emotional support network, loving me unconditionally, and being my only friends.

4. I am making up excuses to leave the house.

Saying I need essential groceries when I’m just getting a roll of pillsbury cookie dough is basically the same thing as saying “yeah I’m just going to Zoe’s for a Halloween slumber party, not a 70 dollar no-parents-party run by a drugged up (on accutane) senior with an after party at Mount Sinai.”

returning in the fall. I long for the days when a B+ was the end of the world.

6. I am sleeping during class.

Though now, it’s a lot easier to turn off my Zoom camera than escape to the All-Gender Bathroom for 40 minutes.

7. I can’t check out books from the library.

Now more than ever I need books to decorate my Zoom background. How are people going to take me seriously in the real world if I can’t drink my whipped coffee in front of The Power Broker? Now it’s not just the overdue-bookhoarders like myself who can’t check out books—I feel less alone in my deprivation of intellectual centerpieces.

8. AAAAAaaaaaAAAaaAAHH. HELP!

9. I can’t vote.

Unfortunately in high school I was “underage” in New York–but I could vote in Rhode Island! Now, NY primaries are cancelled, national democracy is on hold, and the highest form of governance (Community Council) postponed their elections. I may just vote anyways to check in with the DNC and say “hey” and because I heard the adhesive on vote-by-mail ballots hits different.

5. I don’t know if I’m going to college. 10. I somehow got roped into writing I thought my B+ in “Atlantic World History” would have for The Record. prevented me from getting into college, but it seems like the global pandemic might be what really stops me from

That’s a lie. I black-mailed them into letting me do this.

Gustie Owens/Contributing Photographer

In these challenging and unprecedented times, Zoom ~classes~ provide students and teachers seamless ways to communicate before, during, and after the school day, especially during these challenging and unprecedented times. Although these times are challenging and unprecedented, students have broken the fourth wall, livening up pre-class conversation with teachers.

Since the crack of dawn on March 31st, groggy faces and bed head are traditionally admitted to the “room” as teachers pose an endearing “how are you?” before anyone’s audio has come close to being connected, leaving a sea (nay, tidal wave!) of wearisome morning faces sprinkled with poorlyexecuted Zoom backgrounds.

However, recently, a student whose Zoom profile photo is an Ostrich has gone insofar as to reply “¿Y tu?” to a curious Spanish teacher just trying to liven up the post-break-already-bland C period.

Said Spanish teacher was not only taken aback, but also began to ¿como se dice? weep. “This is the closest to real human touch I’ve had in a long long while, especially during these challenging and unprecedented times.”

“I’m literally Jesus reborn,” the Ostrich-Zoom-Profile-Photo-student said. “That silence is gut-wrenching.

Wouldn’t want my second-hand embarrassment to act up even during these challenging and unprecedented times.”

“Never have I ever witnessed such emote feelings from a faculty member,” the Director of Rona Counseling said.

“It is inspiring to see both what a toll rona has taken on our faculty, but also

how caring our student body is in these challenging and unprecedented times.”

In another scenario, an alwaysbacklit-trying-to-flex-their-scenicwoodsy-background student spontaneously threw a “how bout you?” into the noise void before F period physics.

“I was shawcked,” aforementioned physics teacher said. “I looked down, and much to my chagrin, my almondicious thumb nail developed a sharp, chiseled corner. Surely, it will snag on my linens,” she said.

Aschallenging, nonetheless unprecedented as these times may be, when that kid who uses a stock photo of a classroom as their Zoom background to provide the ephemeral, ever-so-desirable, inschool sentiment began chowing down on a Rambatan mid-class, silent faces erupted with laughter. Of course, genuine conversation arose, giving way to an productively unproductive 45-minute-long conversation about unique tropical fruits.

Notwithstanding, I came to an unprecedented, nevertheless challenging, conclusion. Although the school encourages a tight-knit community, small talk has been statistically shown to increase stress and anxiety levels in the whole entire student body.

Mayanka Dhinga/Wannabe Artist

Tik that toc Eating up likes

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THE RECORD PICTURES YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE MAY 22ND, 2020

SOME LOST ITEMS: REPORT TO THE RECORD IF FOUND Clear skin A sense of purpose All my flour from the bread I’ve been baking Countless hours of my day to Tik Tok Blood lost between the hours of 11pm to 4 am from the misquitos that came through my window The ability to use my calculator A physical copy of The Record

My motivation Empowerment A sense of time A sense of urgency Any stimulation at all My creative juices A plurality of brain cells My dignity Most of my muscle mass A non-receded hairline

An ode to the Wisdom Tooth and That One Surgeon on the Upper East Side who’s making bank

Donated by Kiki Royer, Nelly, Char Cebul, E.Bendz, Tanya, Euwanago

Volume 117 Editorial Board Managing Editor Mayanka Dhingra

Editor in Chief Julia Robbins

Features Nelson Gaillard Gabby Kepnes Kiara Royer

News Amelia Feiner Madison Li Sam Keimweiss Simon Yang

Opinions Abigail Salzhauer

Middle Division Ben Wang Isabella Zhang Design Editors Euwan Kim Reena Ye Chris Ha

Issues Editor Jude Herwitz

Lions’ Den Darius McCullough Mark Fernandez Ranya Sareen Andrew Cassino Art Directors Annabelle Chan Gabrielle Fischberg Katya Arutyunyan Faculty Advisor David Berenson

A&E Nishtha Sharma Eliza Poster Eddie Jin Photography Griffin Smith Ahaan Palla Jake Shapiro

Staff Writers Izzy Abbott, Adrian Arnaboldi, Abby Beckler, Bradley Bennett, Sam Chiang, Jack Crovitz, Adam Frommer, Andie Goldmacher, Julia Goldberg, Andie Goldmacher, Yotam Hahn, Alison Isko, Avi Kapadia, Marina Kazarian, John Mauro, Yesh Nikam, Henry Owens, Oliver Steinman, Emily Shi, Natalie Sweet, Vivien Sweet, Joshua Underberg, Talia Winiarsky, Chloe Choi, Emma Colacino, Yin Fei, Lucas Glickman, Claire Goldberg, Liliana Greyf, Lauren Ho, Katya Tolunsky Staff Photographers Julia Isko, Daniel Lee, Kelly Troop, Halley Robbins, Sophie Gordon, Amanda Wein, Maxwell Shopkorn, Emma Colacino, AJ Walker, Lucas Glickman, Lauren Ho Staff Artists Wilder Harwood, Rachel Zhu

Editorial Policy ABOUT The Record is published weekly by the students of Horace Mann School to provide the community with information and entertainment, as well as various viewpoints in the forms of editorials and opinion columns. All editorial decisions regarding content, grammar and layout are made by the editorial board. The Record maintains membership in the Columbia Scholastic Press Association and National Scholastic Press Association.

EDITORIALS & OPINIONS Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the majority of the senior editorial board. Opinion columns are the sole opinion of the author and not of The Record or the editorial board.

NOTE As a student publication, the contents of The Record are the views and work of the students and do not necessarily represent those of the faculty or administration of the Horace Mann School. The Horace Mann School is not responsible for the accuracy and content of The Record, and is not liable for any claims based on the contents or views expressed therein.

LETTERS To be considered for publication in the next issue, letters to the editor should be submitted by mail (The Record, 231 West 246th Street, Bronx, NY 10471) or e-mail (record@horacemann.org) before 6 p.m. on Wednesday evening. All submissions must be signed and should refer to a Record article. Letters may be edited for grammar, style, length and clarity.

CONTACT For all comments, queries, story suggestions, complaints or corrections, or for information about subscribing, please contact us by email at record@horacemann.org.

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HORACE MANN SORTA NEWS MAY 22ND, 2020

Overheard on HMOnline: Chuckle Chuckle Marina Kazarian Aspiring Blogger

“While I was in the waiting room for my Zoom class, I decided to switch to another desktop to do some homework while waiting, and started singing ‘Party in the USA’ by Miley Cyrus,” Perm-Anently Embarrassed (9) said.

“I didn’t notice when I got let into my class, and my teacher and classmates caught me screeching high notes about ‘a chick who’s rockin kicks and gotta be from out of town’ for a solid two minutes until I realized.”

In light of such frequent Zoom mishaps, a new, anonymous, Instagram page was born: “Overheard on Zoom HM.” The page has 50,000,000,000 followers - Kylie better watch out!.

The post with the most likes on this page involves a student’s parent using Zoom for the first time. “During one of Dr. Kelly’s UD parent meetings, my mom was unaware that the parents could speak and be heard,” an anonymous student wrote. “She told me she was talking the whole time with her friend on the phone about the new pimple cream she got me since I am ‘going through changes’ while her microphone was on. She didn’t realize until one parent asked a question at the end, and she understood that it was an interactive meeting.

Though, the other parent wanted to know the name of the cream for her own son.”

These slip-ups on Zoom are also common among teachers. “During a break between our

two chemistry lab periods, my teacher forgot to mute her microphone and answered a phone call that required her to confirm her credit card number for her purchase of all of the Kung Fu Panda movies, twelve orders of Kung Pao Chicken, and costumes for each character,” Snea Kiness (12) said. “She ended up reading out her credit card information for the whole class.”

Sometimes, parents are the ones who embarrass students on calls. Giv Enup (11) said his mother frequently calls him by yelling his name repeatedly and oftentimes doesn’t hear his response, which prompts her to barge into his room, her freakishly long pointer finger flailing in anger. “Once, she burst into my room, while I was giving my final presentation in AP biology on different ways to sod dirt. She yelled

Lauren Kim/Staff Artist

CATS- not the musical thankfully Gabby Fischberg/Art Director

Emily Shi Local Cat Breeder Now more than ever, it is up to the teachers to promote the core values by which we govern every single aspect of our daily lives, especially “Life of the Mind.”

In the wake of the frankly offensive Cats adaptation to the big screen, teachers with feline companions creatures at home have decided to undo the scars that Taylor Swift and James Corden inflicted upon the eyes of literally everyone.

After years lurking in the ombré shadows of dogs that students readily drool over during wellness weeks and mental health days, felines are finally scratching their way into the limelight step by step, paw by paw, litter by litter, hairball by hairball. Pop off kitties!

Coco purred so that others could rawrr, paving the way when she first crawled on top of the intellectually curated bookshelf behind Art of Fur teacher Dr. Foo Friskie’s desk. “Never in my 70-year teaching career have I had such a high degree of engagement from freshmen,” Friskie said.

The last time Friskie felt even close to this level was when a guest speaker brought in 27 different farm animals for the class to feel animals and attempt to replicate their coatings with faux material. “Even then, after petting the alpaca, everyone retreated into their eternal blank stare state. I guess Zoom class makes everything all the more exciting,” Friskie said.

As Willow Smith III, French teacher Dr. Feist Fancy’s cat, whipped her hairy tail back and forth in front of the screen during a group discussion, students’ wifi issues seemed to miraculously solve themselves as cameras turned on for the first time and participation rose.

Around the school, other teachers with cats began to use their pets to encourage paying attention, making them do little dance cameos or even having conversations with them by switching into painfully high pitched voices. What started as a few moments of bliss quickly transitioned into a new

at me for accidentally soaking my retainers in the milk again,” Enup said.”everyone saw how long and threatening her finger was and collectively gasped in utter fear.”

Breakout rooms have also erupted in confusion on Zoom. When students are in a break out room, their conversations in the chat are still seen by the teacher. Some learned this the hard way. “I was in a breakout room and one of my classmates decided to use the chat feature to text ‘imma yeet out of here and go eat my ramen,’” Thatwa S’Cringy (10) said. “Everyone remained silent in the breakout room, because we didn’t want to tell her the teacher could see that, but when we rejoined the main session, the teacher called her out. He said, ‘if you yeet out of the class, I’ll make you yeet into virtual study hall.’ It was so embarrassing, and you could see her face turn into a tomato.”

In another breakout room, one student decided to teach the other three students in the room to do the “Renegade” TikTok dance, Notvery Slick (9) said. They were dabbing when the teacher came into the breakout room. “He voiced his disappointment at the low-quality of our dabs and made us read our homework poems aloud to the class as punishment,” Slick said. “I’m not sure which was more embarrassing: getting called out for terrible TikTok dancing, or reading out my poem about my milky retainers.”

employment opportunity for the felines of HM: after a week, cats began to take on assistant teaching roles throughout the school.

“Every time Fluffers [physics teacher Paul Purina’s cat] reminded us to unmeowte to speak, our class started a competition for who could talk to Fluffers, our fav, the most,” Khat Lohvar (11) said.

Rumors circulating among the student body indicate that Coco and a coalition of kitten protestors backed by 1896 students demanded double the cost of the adjustable pool floor to establish a series of mandated classes.

With only two options left—losing a majority of the student body or funding the powerful felines—Head of School Mom Catly announced the new coursework in a TikTok while Smith renegade in the background.

“Due to their fur-midable experience acting as assistants and expurrtise, I’m excited to tail all of you about the pawsibility of new sample 100-400 level classes in all subjects taught by our finest felines to prepare for the phasing out of APs next year,” Catly said.

Despite a Record poll that found that 99.99% of students—with the exception of mouse owners—have demonstrated interest in altering their course selection to sign up for one of these classes, faculty members have expressed concerns with the rapidly changing education system.

“It’s one thing to have a cat unmeowte and and meworror your appearance for you, but an entirely other one for cats to be teaching entire courses and brainwashing our students,” math teacher Keety Haytor said. “I’ve already noticed a record number of students beginning to exhibit dangerous symptoms like meowing and pouncing at sudden Zoom moments.”

Students get creative with PE logs Jack Crovitz Aspiring Logger “But Renegade is an exercise!” a freshman says in her tri-daily Zoom meeting with her PE coach. “I move my arms around!” Instead of filling out her exercise log, she points her coach to her TikTok account for proof of activity.

Ever since the Physical Education department began requiring weekly PE activity logs, the department has realized that many students have bizarre understandings of the word “exercise.”

“I’d say that 60 percent of all activity logs I receive are TikTok dances,” said one exasperated PE coach.“At this point, I think that the department will have no choice but to start accepting them as legitimate.”

But Renegade and Say-So are not the only unconventional activities logged. Studying, playing Fortnite, web-surfing, hiccups, and sleeping have all been submitted to the department.

One student who wrote “sleep” on their PE logs was star underachiever Tobias Guaca (11). “It didn’t work ‘cause I couldn’t sleep enough! The log requires one and a half hours of exercise, but with AP tests and stress I couldn’t sleep for that long last week,” he said. Now Tobias is also stressed about being denied a High Pass in PE because of his deficient logs.

Miranda Shrimpstein (10) logged another unconventional exercise: hitting “refresh” on the College Board website to see when she can sign up for the next SAT date. “I can’t see why it doesn’t count! I need to take that test, or I won’t get into any colleges,” she said while

smashing her mousepad and occasionally screeching.

Last week, all PE coaches took a poll and chose the most absurd activity log from HM Online. It was a difficult competition, but the winning activity was “filling out this stupid log.”

Charlotte Zinger (12), the author of that log, was pleasantly surprised by the recognition. “Honestly, I just thought the whole thing was silly and wanted the coaches to know that… I’m so proud and want to thank the PE department for giving me this award.”

Other students seemed confused on the issue of timing.

“The log says we need an ‘hour and a half,’ but honestly I’ve forgotten what an hour is,” one senior said in an evening interview. “Wait, I think I might have class right now…”

In the face of all this chaos, the PE department has decided on some reforms. Now coaches will also have the option of assigning “Very Low Pass” for especially lacking students, coach Beth Cilandro said.

“We thought that a ‘Low Pass’ grade would be enough to make students improve their behavior.... Obviously we were wrong.”

Nelson Galliard/Alphabet and Math Operation Expert

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THE RECORD SORTA NEWS BUT BREAKING MAY 22ND, 2020

Valuables snatched in overnight campus plunder Adam Frommer Chief Investigator of Disruption At 2 a.m. last Thursday, students picked the loosest locks around campus, snuck into school facilities, and pulled off a near-perfect heist, retrieving items from the school that they could “literally not live without,” an anonymous heister said. In a swift and nimble strike, the students were seen driving away in the stolen “Food for Thought” food truck; the police were no match for the school’s high-horse-powered machine fueled by last week’s print edition of the Record.

Woefully, due to the thieves’ responsible safeguard measures using masks and Personal Protective Equipment, none of the school’s 5,672,498 security cameras were able to identify the exact students involved in the treasonous crime. The Department of Facilities Management, however, has narrowed down some suspects, each with their own shaky alibis.

“Nuh uh! I was writing an essay two days before it was due,” Liare Lyar said. However, any friend of Lyar can attest that he religiously begins his essays on the day after they are due.

“I would literally never. I’ve been tanning, er studying, I mean, in the Hamptons for the past month,” Fib Eyr said. Eyr was meanwhile spotted riding her helicopter to Central Park from Southampton the day earlier.

The idea for the heist began to ruminate within a small group of students’ minds months ago, when musical instruments were stuck at school. An anonymous student said that without his violin, he had to trick his music teacher by sculpting a quasiinstrument out of paper and glue. “I thought it was gonna sound kind of ratchet,” the student said. “But for some reason, no sound came out at all! Ugh.” Anonymous Student, after realizing that breaking into the school in the middle of the night was simply an inevitability, called his friends for some moral support along the way.

“After Anonymous Student called me for advice, I couldn’t have been happier,” said Anonymous Student Number Two, who requested to be referred to as Ticonderoga . “All I’ve wanted over the past two months has been a chicken-pesto panini. I knew this was the perfect opportunity.”

By the day of the raid, it is rumored that many students took part, including freshman Cafyne Addikt, who newly became addicted to coffee this year after being exposed to the school’s mega fancy Italian espresso-brewing café and admitted guilt in an interview. “I just had to steal the espresso machine! I couldn’t wake up in the morning without it. It wasn’t my fault!” Addikt cried out in an interrogation over the phone.

After sneaking the espresso machine out of the café on a rolly chair, Addikt decided to go fish shopping at the Aquarium upstairs. “The striped fish just looked so lonely, and I have been so lonely, so I thought we would make a perfect pair together,” Addikt said. Addikt was able to use a plastic cup from the café to transport the fish.

Ticonderoga ventured all the way into Fisher Hall to take the panini presses. “I was surprised that the entire Bronx didn’t hear me huffing and puffing as I lugged the machine up the stairs!”

Wilder Harwood/Staff Artist

they said.

Choco Holac, who had grown accustomed to daily saunters between the testing center, Guidance and Counseling, and the Coco, also took part in the midnight raid. Holac, unashamed of her chocolate addiction, admitted that she broke in to get candies. “I am proud of who I am,” she boasted. “It’s just been so long. I think we all agree to treat this whole thing as water under the bridge,” Holac sang in her most emotional Adele impression.

After the students had finished “collecting” all of their belongings, they suddenly realized that they needed to transport

their goods home. “I’d honestly rather not say how we were able to find the keys, or which one of us students had a driver’s license, or what happened to the vehicle. Sorry :(” Lyar wrote in a DM interview to Instagram The Record’s account @hm.record.

Luckily for those involved, the school has stated that it will not press charges on students who trespassed. “I know they were breaking the law by stepping on school property, and they broke our locks, and they stole our things, but it was sweet that the school means so much to them,” an administrator wrote in an email.

Where the WILD things are: The second floor library cots Liliana Greyf Up-and-coming Zoologist

Annabelle Chan/Art Director

Last Friday, a giraffe was seen eating a banana leaf growing up the railing of the Tillinghast staircase while a lion softly played the piano in Olshan (heart and soul, of course). The recent lack of human activity in Riverdale has given way to a natural wildlife unseen for millenia. Horace Mann has turned into a rainforest.

While the pandemic is frightening and unexpected, it has provided a chance for the climate to revert back to its most untouched state. “The Bronx was actually an untouched savanna before global warming,” Science Researcher Tahra Dactyl said. “Curiously enough, we’re discovering that the breed of Machiavellian squirrels that thrive off startling children from the depths of trash cans, are in fact descended from wooly mammoths. We’re finally seeing those wooly mammoths return. This is truly unbelievable.”

Reporters have been flooding the school (six feet apart, of course) writing about the oddities they’re finding. “Last friday, a flamingo was spotted walking down Tibbett Avenue for a slice of carrot cake,” Journalist Paige Turner said. “I always knew that Lloyd’s was a crowd favorite, but to see the reach it has in the avian community is awe-inspiring.”

Now that there are no more lines of people filling up their water bottles liberally decked out in political statements (#knope2020) at the water fountains, the birds have begun to use the first floor hallway as their own oasis. The animal crackers in the English

office have been their primary choice of snack, followed closely by the leftover Broadway Joe’s at the security desk.

For the first time in over 100 years, fauna has begun to blossom throughout Fisher hall. Algae covers the art exhibit and vines spiral down the elevator shaft. A passerby even spotted a family of monkeys, which has been making its way through the ice cream freezer in the cafeteria. “All the newly reinstated chipwiches are gone!” she said.

Celebrated novelist Rhoda Booke commented on the phenomenon— “it’s honestly remarkable how much of an environmental strain students have placed on the school. We must take back the tap!”

The fish tank in Lutnick has now welcomed a group of multi-colored octopi. Although the space is a bit crammed, the various species are comforted by each other’s presences. “Better to be quarantined with people you love than all on your own,” Fish Feeder Anne Chovee said.

Perhaps the most remarkable sight can be found in the aquatics center— the pool is now home to that blue whale from the ceiling of the big room at the Natural History Museum you went to a bunch as a kid but haven’t returned to once in the last 10 years.

“The 200,000 pound beast is actually very kind,” Chovee said. “We feed him some of the mozzarella paninis from the café and he seems happy!” The essential workers have taken to calling him Fauci.

“He is just such a light in these dark times,” she said.

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HORACE MANN NARCISSISM MAY 22ND, 2020

Dhingra steps up as Robbins finds flightless love Mayanka Dhingra New EIC/Ostrich Slayer

Read the sash Julia’s favorite piece of art of all time. Hands down. Not even a question.

It is official. Editor-in-Chief (EIC) Julia Robbins has officially lost her mind. After not leaving her apartment for nine weeks, things have officially taken a turn for the worst. Today, we officially mourn the loss of the young, ripe, boeurgening cranium that once belonged to Miz Julia Robbins.

Robbins’ mind died a slow and painful death.

First there were changes in behavior such as eating a whole large papaya during Calculus, morphing into ostriches on Zooms, making a crown of fifteen pencils in her hair, petting the head of her self portrait sculpture, or exposing her twin for having chocolate on her face in front of the whole class. Still, these episodes were nothing too far off from Robbins’ usual quirky self to cause concern.

But then her behaviors started to manifest in her toupee. Alas, there was no saving her.

In light of such developments, Mayanka Dhingra will officially take over as EIC. Dhingra said she intends to lead in the exact opposite manner as Robbins: with heart and soul. When asked about the change, Faculty Adviser David Berenson shrugged and said, “Sure, whatevs.”

“Live, laugh, love,” Dhingra said in her acceptance speech with her fist held high in the sky towards Robbins’ mind watching down in sheer anguish from the heavens. She also advised the huge virtual crowds who tuned in to “sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”

Addressing Robbins directly, Dhingra exclaimed “Be free! Oh! Be free! May your sweet ostrich loving mind write all the offensively long mass emails without a care in the world from the grand StuPub up above! If I could say one thing to Robbins right now, it would be ‘keep calm and carry on.’

Dhingra stared off into the distance without

blinking for three minutes and thirty seven seconds before slowly turning her head towards the camera, giving a determined salute that sent convulsions through her entire upper body, and leaving the meeting.

Gabby Fischberg/Art Director

Mayanka Dhinga/Professional Screnshotter

Q&A with your fav members of the Hype Den Mayanka Dhingra The newly minted EIC

Dr. DanEcon: I just look right into the camera, real hard and shout “Go Demarcus, go Demcarcus, Go Demarcus!”

Please note, if you are over 40 and TikTok, kindly return to your MySpace pages.

Also note, the words in bold are intended to be sung.

M: What are some of the challenges with Zoom classes?

Despite all of the challenges of these challenging times, one upside is that students are finding connecting in more meaningful ways with their teachers. For one, The Record has been holding Q&A sessions so students can feel connected to those they miss.

Below is the transcript from an interview Managing Editor Mayanka Dhingra held with Carly Temellio (12) and Dr. DanEcon.

Dr. DanEcon: Some students don’t like to show their faces. And I have to scold them: “Let me see those lips. No Attitude and give me face. Eyes! Lips! Face!!!!!!”

M: What is one of the weirder things that’s happened on Zoom calls?

M: How do you spend your free time nowadays?

Dr. DanEcon: Well, one of my students asked to meet during office hours and then got on the Zoom call and said ‘Sorry I’m really busy right now, can I call you back?” I was so confused because they called me!

Dr. DanEcon: I go shopping (online of course), want it then I pop it. You know??”

M: In what other ways have you been feeling challenged and unprecedented?

M: I completely understand. What have you been purchasing?

Dr. DanEcon: It’s been hard with my wife. I said don’t stay away for too long when she goes out for walks. And when she wants to sleep as early as 2am, I say don’t go to bed. Oh her complaining about migraines! I say, “I’ll make a cup of coffee for your head.

Ill get you up and going out of bed” And despite my love and concern, I feel so unappreciated. Then she comes back trying to be all nice. But I stand my ground chanting, “Don’t you try and double back, I already despise you” and stomp off with my head tilted upward at a precise 45 degree angle.

Dr. DanEcon: baby stuff. I said Oh let me get this crib, oww-ooo, cause I had no idea (they made ones with floral designs). But then it had me feeling like I did too much. Afterall, it is just a baby.

Does it really need floral designs?

M: What about you Carly? What have you been shopping for?

Carly: Oh , you know pink ferragamos, sliders on deck.

M: Ok.. Uh.. what were some of your biggest concerns going into online school?

Dr. DanEcon: Well, I don’t know how to use a computer, but I told my students, “trust me, I’ll bring the Mac out. We got this gang, gang, gang, gang!”

Carly: I fell asleep for like three days after being up all night on a school day, so.

M: Carly, how have the Zoom classes you have attended been going?

Carly: Well I tried to do a class in the living room but my mom yelled at me saying “the volume inside of your Zoom-bus is astronomical. It is wayyy too loud.” But it wasn’t even on full volume!

M: Dr. DanEcon, how are you supporting your students during this time?

Ting will freak you!!!!!!!

M: How are you staying positive?

Carly: We are trying to focus on the future, so Mom asked what I wanted for christmas. I said ahhhhhh, youuu mom!! Soulja Boy of course!!!!!

M: Finally, How would you describe yourself in a few words?

Dr. DanEcon: Well, I’m a savage, classy, bougie,ratchet. You know?

Carly: Sassy and moody. **Since writing the article, Mayanka has deleted the tik tok app from her phone.

Gabby Fischberg/Art Director

M: And you Carly? How have things been in quarantine overall?

Carly: Everything was fine until one day. Oh no! I got a disease walking around through your neighborhood. Everyone’s like what you got? I’m like Covid-19.

M: Carly, the word around the block is that you have been walking around without a mask.

Carly: Ya know they gon hate me regardless, that’s why I do what I do. See me in person I’m flawless.

M: How have you been staying active in quarantine? Chloe ting, Carly?

Dr. DanEcon: Who is Chloe Ting? I don’t like working out. Plus I don’t need to. I got muscles like superman’s trainer.

Carly: If you and I could workout one time over Zoom, I’ll show you a good time. Promise you I’ll change your mind. Chloe

Tik that tok Eating up likes.

6

THE RECORD SOME THOUGHTS MAY 22ND, 2020

Don’t do this at home kids: Oops, now you have to Mia Calzolaio Chemist at large Aiya Dine (10) woke from her slumber to a loud hissing. She looked at the six foot cardboard box sent by chemistry lab technician, Dr. Enda Thermic, that sat in the corner of her room. Clear liquid was seeping from the bottom of the massive cardboard pillar, burning her rug and building a foul odor.

Rats, she thought, there goes the hydrochloric acid for my titration lab.

Earlier this week, chemistry students prepared to participate in what would be the first ever take-home lab. Each student was sent a colossal box filled to the brim with solutions, pipettes, and beakers. The box was topped off with a fire extinguisher, emergency eye washing station, and 500 page lab safety manual. Upon receiving the materials to create their laboratory, trouble quickly began for many students.

Reluctant to get out of bed for her A period class, Polly Protic-Acid (10) attempted to set up the lab on top of her mattress. Unfortunately, the structure gave way, sending beakers tumbling onto the floor and liquids splattering across the sheets. Protic-Acid said she has since been unable to get the pH indicator stains out of her bedding.

Mola Rity (10) decided to take her lab outside, in order to have what she called a “natural

fume hood.” Halfway through the experiment, however, the wind knocked over her burette and the rain diluted half of her samples.

At the end of the first day, a survey found that 98% of students had either forgotten to roll up their sleeves or put their hair up. 65% of students cited breaking at least one test tube, even though all of the tubes were made out of shatter-proof glass. Several students also said they failed to remember to take off their lab goggles until hours after their class.

The mishaps continued outside of the labs. A day after his lab, Nye Trojen (10) was confused as to why his salad dressing tasted so strong. Tongue numb and tingling, he stumbled to the refrigerator only to realize he had accidentally consumed concentrated acetic acid instead of vinegar. Fortunately, Trojen was part of the four percent of students that had actually read the lab manual and was able to respond to the situation efficiently.

Similarly, Ty Tration (10) confused his sodium hydroxide for salt. He said he liberally seasoned a steak with the harmful chemical before realizing he had used the wrong container. Tration, mourning the loss of an exquisite meal, acknowledged that not reading the lab manual might have played a hand in the unfortunate situation.

Annabelle Chan/Art Director

STEM Science stops for no person, no pandemic, and no lack of access to proper lab equipment.

However, not all is bad. For when asked if the lab manual been a nightmare to grade. entrepreneurial students, the chapter “Practical Applications: Average percent error of 200%, extensive free time has been How to Flip Your Chemicals for perpetually incorrect sig figs, the perfect chance to channel Cash” might have encouraged you name it, we saw it. I think their inner Walter White and students to partake in such I can speak for the science whip up a batch of crystal meth, activities. department when I say we’ll be much to the dismay of teachers Thankfully, the turmoil will glad these labs are over.” and parents. The science be over by the end of the week, While brief, it seems the department failed to comment Thermic said. “These labs have tumultuous times of the take-

home lab will live in infamy, haunting the memories of students and faculty alike.

Currently, there are no plans to continue this type of assessment in the future.

Things humble young scholar and Taker back of the Tap Eliza Bender will miss about HM Courtesy of E.Bendz

E. Bendz As we near the end of the school year, it feels apt that I, a senior for the next week or so, should get to reminisce a little bit. Horace Mann has shaped who I am today, and I can say without hesitation that I will miss this place. I will miss starting the day off, smiling and waving to the front desk as I swerve into the Dean’s office to swipe my ID card to get a

tardy slip.

I will miss going to the cafeteria in search of a modest lunch. I will miss starting at the grill section to look at the grilled chicken, then walking over to the hot lunch to seek out a lentil-filled bell pepper, then walking to the salad bar to inspect my options, then, after completing this same cycle three more times, finally coming to the conclusion that I have another free F period and decide to grab a power bar and a saltine before I go.

I will miss wearing sweatpants in order to make a political statement about the amount of work I did last night. I will miss being the Secretary-General of a humble small business.

I will miss sitting in the library, taking up space that could be used more productively by literally anyone else. I will miss the four seconds of limbo after I walk into guidance where they don’t know if I’ve come in because I’ve had a breakdown or because I want a pretzel.

Felix Brener/Staff Artist

I will miss giving tours as a student ambassador that would consistently go into passing time.

I will miss crying during a meeting with a teacher for absolutely no reason at all. None.

It used to make me embarrassed that I would cry in almost every meeting I had with any teacher, but then it just became a personality trait. I will miss giving all my past teachers a quick

LAWN SZN E. Bendz during relaxing and sprawling joyfully on the one and only Alumni Field. smile as I pass them in the hallway, unless they are a Spanish teacher because then I must converse with them for at least three minutes para mostrar que todavia soy proficiente. (No accent on todavía, -1 punto).

I will miss guessing the song that the Steel Drums ensemble is playing at assembly. (Trap Queen??? No wait, New Rules???). I will miss volunteering to pass out snacks in HM 246 just so I could be the first one to get a leftover cookie. I will miss getting fitted for costumes for an HMTDC production (I only did it once and it was EXHILARATING). I will miss cutting a group of middle schoolers to ask Mr. Brooks where the Lex Bus is. I will miss reading the Green Sheet to scan the lunch menu in search of Polenta Cake.

I will miss those skinny little tissues that I am expected to use to blow my nose. I will miss

the Shakespeare Garden, and all the bees that live in it. I will miss those days before the start of a holiday break where everyone brings in baked goods to your classes and it starts to get super overwhelming. I will miss all the drama that ensues when a rodent/bird makes its way into a building and then it becomes the talk of the town.

I will miss recounting the entire plot of a movie to Ms. Billies as I hover over the bowl of SweeTarts in her office. I will miss Mr. Gentile and Mrs. Coldwell Powell serving looks on the DAILY. I will miss making my classmates jealous by flashing my gallon Iced Latte from Dunkin. I will miss dancing the spirit squad and dressing up as the Lion for Homecoming, neither of which I did but man, that would’ve been cool.

7

HORACE MANN ESSENTIALS BUT NOT REALLY MAY 22ND, 2020

11 easy tips to get the best of HM ONLINE

Vivien Sweet Zoom Etiquette Correspondent

TM

WHAT NOT TO DO!

WHAT TO DO!

E S S K

L A

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nter the Zoom meeting fashionably late with your microphone muted. If, however, you make your appearance more than 4 minutes after the start of the period, a quick “Hi, sorry” is acceptable. It counts as your contribution for the class, after all!

mile and nod when your teacher is greeting the class. Bonus points if you give a thumbs up when they ask, “How’s online school treating you guys?” (Everybody loves a good thumbs up. Minimal effort required from the student and no response from the teacher necessary.) it in your bedroom, dining room, or some other relatively quiet space for a Zoom class. A window or painting in the corner of your little virtual square is always a nice touch. If your pet is in the frame, even better. It’s a welcome distraction.

eep your breakfast/lunch/third-midday-snack out of the virtual frame. The need to munch during online school can be overwhelming, and the best way to fulfill that urge is to quickly scoot offscreen for no more than five seconds at a time to take a bite. Sure, it might look like you’re the “mole” in Whack-a-mole, but you can always just say that your WiFi is slow. Slowly, but surely, your meal will vanish, and your teacher will be none the wiser. eave the Zoom class the instant once your teacher indicates that class is over. A small hand wave is usually a good sign that it’s OK to go. Don’t worry about turning on your microphone for the first time all period to say, “Thank you! Bye!” Literally all of your classmates will say it anyways.

et yourself be the first person in class. Especially if it’s for a foreign language class.

Talking with your teacher about how you’re doing/the weather/the global pandemic in English is hard enough—imagine doing it in French!

sk, “How was your weekend?” to fill the awkward silence. Because, like yourself, your teacher most likely just hung around the house and watched Netflix and baked banana bread for the fourth time OR went on a super exciting excursion outside.

The former will lead to more awkward silence, and the latter will lead to a long-winded, not-very-relatable story.

Z

oom outside. Not only will your WiFi be bad, but a naturesque background will invariably prompt your teacher to ask you, “Are you outside?” or comment something along the lines of “Nice backdrop you got there!” And while you respond, your WiFi will cut out again and again until your video and audio quality is so garbled that after the fifth “Huh? Sorry, we can’t hear you!” your confused teacher will have to continue teaching and pretend that nothing happened. And you will have to retreat inside out of embarrassment. tay after all your classmates leave the Zoom meeting to ask your teacher a question.

Picture this: It’s just after A period. Your teacher didn’t even have time to make coffee yet. But now they have to wait because a student wants to have an impromptu one-onone meeting “just to ask a quick question,” they say. Give your teachers a break, for crying out loud!

The Hidden Life of Random Stuff: Objects stay busy without human interference Bradley Bennett Talks to chairs, apparently

Since the quarantine began, we’ve been informed that the chairs, textbooks, smartboards, and other objects have been “living [their] best lives,” as a chair in 246T said. “We’ve really enjoyed the absence of the students and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.”

The chair added that it has recently undergone back surgery to fix its alignment issues caused by “ignorant students only hanging one strap of their backpack on me and leaning back to try to find the point of perfect physical balance. And don’t even get me started on the farting.”

Similarly, many textbooks have found the leisure time to be a nice break from the stresses of school life.

“During the day, I have to be on call at any time for every confused sophomore in the library,” an Algebra II

textbook at the circulation desk said.

“It’s really exhausting to not have a block period like the textbooks in real classrooms have. An injustice, really.”

The textbook added that “the one time I usually have to rest is during break, but the library is always flooded by excruciatingly loud pop music, a gaggle of students who think they can dance, and freshmen who aggressively cut to the front of the snack line. It’s all a terribly tacky, tasteless display. My word, it’s a library, not camp!”

In addition, many objects have been congregating in communal spaces to throw summer break parties. According to the Head Tennis Racquet of the Physical Education department, some recent party locations have been the scenic top of the Fisher clock tower, the “mildly dangerous” service elevator in Gross Theatre, and the open-air breezeway

between Pforzheimer and Fisher, it said. Head Tennis Racquet said its

Sarah Sun/Staff Artist

personal favorite spot to throw down is the Pforzehimer breezeway as it likes the way its strings blow gently in the wind.

A security guard who caught sight of one of these parties last week was able to do a few ~impromptu~ interviews.

“This has been an incredible break from normal life,” the tennis racquet said as it was “dipping” from the

party at 4am. “I am breaking free.

Soaring, flying. There’s not a star in heaven that I can’t reach. That’s right, I’m refusing to live one more day in the shadow of that sweaty-handed freshman who thinks that making the Varsity Tennis team will be the most important achievement of their life!”

The racquet also expressed personal beef with its job at the school. “I find the game of tennis so pointless.

Every day I have to deal with students dropping me on the pavement, using me like air-guitars, and occasionally hitting me on the ground,” the racquet said. “Next year I’m going to look at the Program of Hobbies and try to transfer to a different department. I’m thinking squash, perhaps?

It’s time to change things up around here!”

However, not all the objects are as enthusiastic about the quarantine. “I’d been waiting for the spring to come for four opressively long

months,” Alumni Field said. “I hate being covered by that tarp, and I was so close to being freed before the quarantine started.”

The field is excited that the tarp will come off the field but no students will be present to ruin it again. “It’s such a letdown every year; I have this protective tarp for months, and then as soon as it comes off, the students destroy my beauty by stomping on the baseball infield and leaving their ChocoTaco wrappers everywhere.

I thought maybe this year, for once, things might be different. But now I will never know. The lack of closure keeps me up at night.”

Overall, the cancellation of school has caused a shift in the behavior of the school’s objects. “We’re all just really happy the students are gone,” the Algebra II textbook said. “You guys may be missing school, but I promise that school does not miss you.”

Kahoot-based grading system leads to competition, anguish Julia Goldberg and John Mauro Heavily Contributing Writers on Staff Since Monday, Upper Division (UD) teachers have begun to implement a new grading system: all assessments will be taken on Kahoot and grades will be determined upon final Kahoot rankings. First and second places will receive 10s on the 10 point scale, third and fourth will receive nines, fifth and sixth will receive eights, and so on and so forth.

However, for the UD, stickers were not an option as the Head Librarian refuses to share her sticker stockpile. Instead, the UD settled on Kahoot as the most reasonable workaround. “The new UD Kahoot system has two purposes: one, to tackle grade inflation, which, for the record, is not a problem at this school,” Head of UD Til N. Hast said. “Two, to spice up the end of the year a lil bit.”

The UD faculty convened to decide on a new grading system on Thursday, May 14. The meeting began when Hast asked faculty members to brainstorm any and all ways to determine final grades. The first suggestion, by a teacher who later asked The Record for anonymity, was to grade solely based on class participation.

“It was kind of silent, so I was like, ‘Thanks for the suggestion, but that’s the single worst idea I’ve ever heard.’ And then we moved on,” Hast said.

Afterwards, AP Calculus teacher Vectora Dition stated that each teacher should randomly assign the numbers one through 10 to grades and then ask each student to pick a number. Be-

cause Dition would not prohibit multiple students from picking the same number, any number of students could earn an A, and so the method was more fair, she said.

English teacher Joe Casta responded that Dition’s method would involve too much thinking. “We didn’t all take linear algebra and discrete calculus at MIT, you know,” he said. Instead, the teacher requested that grades be picked out of a mask. That was deemed too random, though, and the faculty continued the hunt for ideas. Eventually, they settled on using Kahoot.

As of now, feedback has been mixed. “The system is fabulous.

It has no flaws,” said Augg Gustus, a student in a class of four people. In fact, according to Gustus, his average for the semester has increased 25 percent.

However, an Art of Film student said she would prefer a passfail system. “Last week in Kahoot, I was in first place, but with one wrong answer I lost my streak and fell to last. I was heartbroken. You might even say I wanted to Ka-shoot myself.”

During one United States History test, a student called out “blue” over Zoom; however, the correct answer was green.

Along with the social and academic embarrassment, the student now is facing serious disciplinary consequences.

“Literally how is that against the rules?” the student asked.

“The green answer was 620,000 soldiers and the blue answer was Andrew Jackson. If you failed the test, I don’t think I’m the one to blame.”

Several students also believe that Kahoots have helped them study for AP exams. “The online College Board tests are basically a guessing game anyway, so I just need to practice being lucky,” Kemmy Osmosis (12) said.

Rachel Zhu/Staff Artist

Likewise, Harmon Icchord (11) believes her Kahoots have facilitated her AP Music Theory preparation. “Practicing with Kahoots for seven classes in a row has helped me have a deeper appreciation for the techno-electronic music section of the exam.”

Because of its overall success, the system will remain in place until the school returns to campus sometime in the unforeseen future, Hast said.

The Middle Division, however, has decided to go with a passpass system, after their initial proposal for pass-fail grading raised an uproar at a PA Zoom meeting. “Just contemplating the word fail was triggering for too many parents,” Head of the MD Fore Zheimer said. “For the fall, we’re excited to switch to an emoji-sticker-based grading system, just so we can provide the widest possible range of feedback while building emotional intelligence.”

8

THE RECORD TABLOID MAY 22ND, 2020

Baby you light up my world with some technical help Talia Winiarsky Lighting Expert As The Weeknd eloquently sang in his new hit song about backlit Zoom backgrounds, “Ooh, I'm blinded by the lights.” Students are taking The Weeknd’s hints and taking all measures possible to improve their lighting on Zoom.

Tik Toker (10) used to be completely backlit on Zoom, he said. The lights in his background shone brighter than his future, and he looked like a mere shadow on the screen. “It was even worse when I wasn’t backlit,” he said. “My lighting would make me look like a sleep-deprived, hungry zombie. Not everyone needs to know that I stay up till 4am every day making TikToks!

God, I looked worse than I do in airport mirrors after 12-hour flights.”

Toker implemented a new lighting regiment last week. First, he took all of the lamps in his house and put them behind his computer. Then, he took a white umbrella and put it behind the lamps so that the light would reflect back on him. He looked shinier than a middle schooler’s holographic backpack and more glowy than if he swam in a pool of Glossier highlighter, according to his Instagram caption of his #SelfieSunday.

“Beauty is pain,” he said. “So what if I have no room to do my schoolwork? So what if my grades drop? All I need is that sweet glow!”

Physics teacher Rick Morty performed a lab with his class last week in which they calculated the optimal wattage for Zoom lighting, he said.

“We discovered that you want to use 1,369 100watt lightbulbs. You will have to unscrew all the lightbulbs throughout your house and place them in a small area.”

Morty and the Academic Center have collaborated to develop a tutorial for students looking to improve their lighting. The tutorial, a seven-hour, three-part video on how to achieve optimal lighting, was created by the newest member of the Center, Dr. James Charle, a lighting expert who received his degree from Lighting McQueen University. “You want to show up to class looking like an absolute rock star?

Schedule an appointment at the academic center

on Google Classroom!” Charle said.

In addition, Bespeak Lighting, a branch of the popular Bespeak Testing, has seen a recent increase in demand for lighting tutors, Director of Bespeak Testing Laurie Loflin said. The company has recently increased the hourly rate of their lighting tutors to match that of their ACT and SAT tutors— we could tell you the price, but you’d just throw up in disgust.

Stressed Junior (11) stays committed to the life of the mind through two-hour Zoom sessions with her lighting tutor, which she tries to fit in at least five times every week. Her “fire lighting” will feature prominently on her

Common App, she said. “If colleges have to be online for the next few years, the brochures are going to be screenshots from Zoom classes.

Colleges are going to want kids who have exceptional lighting because it’s going to increase their number of applicants,” Junior said.

In fact, sites that juniors use for college admissions preparation, including Maia Learning and Kickstart, now factor in a “Lighting Scale” in addition to GPA and standardized test scores, to determine the likelihood of being admitted into certain colleges. Director of College Counseling Helecity Fuffman schedules a Zoom meeting with every junior to rank their lighting on a scale

from 1-5, and then inputs the data to the servers.

“All of my reaches became likelies after the new lighting scale was factored in,” Junior said.

However, not all students want their lighting to be perfect. “Now, my teachers can actually see my face, so they know when I’m not paying attention,” Slack Er (9) said.

Instead, Er has resorted to making a video of himself nodding, and sets it as his virtual background. “You think my attention span can last 45 minutes? I can’t even scroll through my Snapchat stories without getting bored,” Er said.

“Nice lighting makes me look good, but I’d much rather doze off in class.”

Gabby Fischberg/Art Director

News in Brief

- Investigations of a student’s broken camera reveal that she was just too lazy to get out of bed -Changes made to PE logs will now enforce students to celebrate country music friday -Thespians prepare for “Variety Show 3: Return of the Variety” -First class to replace “sent from first class on my iPhone” to “I hope that you and your family are doing well” -Students celebrate day 800 of HM olympics with, you guessed it, another crossword puzzle -FLIK offers online “how-to” tutorials for favorites such as caprese panini and fried chicken -School parents who refuse to let kids leave apartment have kids taken away by Child Protective Services -Students escape to Dorr to ride out quarantine in a tent -Elijah not allowed into Passover Seder due to COVID-19 concerns -Eliza Bender’s contributions to the humor issue earn her an honorary board position -AP Bio students claim they are coronavirus experts because they watched contagion in class -Sickness Week replaces Wellness Week -School sends seniors blue-light glasses in lieu of diplomas -Sophomore blames lack of hookups on Social Distancing (rather than Poor Hygiene, Lack of Social Graces, and Terrible Personality)