Off The Record, Issue 29 by The Horace Mann Record

Off The Record

JUNE 1ST, 2018 || VOLUME 115, ISSUE 29

All of the news that is probably not fit to print

HORSEMAN’S WEEKLY NEWSPAPER SINCE 1903

RECORD.HORACEMANN.ORG

Freshman sacrificed to Snow G-ds Francis held for questioning

Registrar Mitchell Francis has chosen to leave the school early amid controversy over his alleged involvement in the disappearance of three freshmen. The last sighting of the freshmen was F Period Monday “blocking the first-floor entrance to Tillinghast as usual,” an aggravated senior said. Despite intense interrogation by the New York Police Department (NYPD), all that had been discovered by Tuesday afternoon was that a group of juniors had been planning to hack into the Office of College Counseling database. “I just wanted access to Naviance to change my GPA because… it’s below the University of Chicago average,” one tearful junior, who has since been ostracized by the school community, shamefully admitted. However on Tuesday night, a new tweet appeared on the HMPSDI. It read, “The Snow G-ds must be appeased. Minor sacrifices (such as freshmen) must be made for the good of the entire school community.” Francis was subsequently arrested by the NYPD as a criminal suspect in the case on Wednesday during tea time. “I made this sacrifice for all of you,” Francis hollered to students as he was being dragged away. “Just look at the current environmental policy,” Francis said. “Think of its impact on global warming. You think putting a spoon under your pillow or doing the macarena in front of your

fridge is going to get you snow days? The snow G-ds demanded something monumental.” Upperclassmen waved goodbye tearfully to Francis while freshmen looked uncomfortable and understandably unsettled as they continued eating their Gushers and Snackwells. “He’s my hero,” one junior said. “We’re going to have more snow days next year, and we already have less freshmen.” According to a sophomore eavesdropping on conversations in the Dean’s Office while in Study Hall, the Head of School was conflicted over whether to encourage Frainces to resign. “I had to do it,” the junior heard an anonymous administrator say. “I could have dealt with two pairs of angry parents, but three is one legal suit too many.” Francis’s arrest and subsequent resignation have led to mass protests among the sophomores, juniors, and seniors. Model Congress is planning a walkout during break on Friday. “Freedom of religion is a

fundamental American liberty,” Model Congress representatives said. “This is a clear violation of the Bill of Rights.” In response to this pro-Francis sentiment among the student body, freshmen have taken to wandering the halls only in groups of four or more for fear of another ritual sacrifice. Many also carry bribes to keep angry upperclassmen at bay. “I’ve already had to give away three Platinum Gov Ball tickets,” one freshman whimpered. “I don’t know how many more my parents will buy me.” The Record attempted to interview Francis for his opinion on the events taking place at school, but lawyers said he was transferred to maximum security prison as of last Tuesday. Current Associate Director of Middle and Upper Division Admissions will be taking Francis’s place as Registrar next year. “I would never repeat Flancis’s mistakes,” Garrison said. “Well… I suppose it depends on what the weather looks like.”

Elite dating app for kids with parents who went to Ivies Nishtha Sharma Staff Writer

inside

Horace Mann parents have turned to a dating app to increase their childrens’ chances of getting into Harvard. Ivy-Mingle is a company that aims to pair up parents who want their children to get an Ivy League diploma at all costs. The company’s mission statement is “to create a future where genetics are all that matter to get into college. GPA, extra-curriculars, and standardized test scores should essentially become useless when it comes to college admissions.” “It’s taking legacy to the next level,” an Ivy-Mingle spokesperson said. “Now, we can manipulate genetics to make the college process even more favorable for the world’s elite, and more competitive for all,” a representative from the company said. The company’s founder and CEO, Cornellia Penny Brown III, partnered with computer scientist and Yale graduate, Prince Harveyton, to build an app to match up ambitious Ivy League grads.

A Stupub Farewell

A sad Editorial Board pilots HM in Stagnation.

The app recruits potential participants through a detailed process that “is modeled off of the college admissions process,” the CEO said. “We make sure to look at each applicant and potential participant holistically. What we try to focus on is what their future offspring will bring to the table in terms of academics, intelligence, and their level of social superiority,” she said. “People who criticize Ivy-Mingle are just angry that their children can’t get into an Ivy League the old fashioned way: having their parents buy a building,” she said. The College Counseling office has considered partnering with Ivy-Mingle to establish a branch for recent alumni who are already anxious about their hypothetical children’s college processes. “Some parents would like to begin their child’s college process earlier. We want to help ease that process for them,” an anonymous college counselor said. “It’s never too early to start looking for a partner with the right legacy (and pocket size).”

A Goy’s Guide

A #barmitzvahszn handbook so good you’ll plotz!!!!

Juli Moreira/Staff Artist

Lynne Sipprelle Staff Writer

Teachers disrequest students A game of chess: teachers play the next move to check student misbehavior Nelson Gaillard Staff Writer After multiple instances regarding conflicts in between students and teachers, the administration has flipped the script by giving teachers the opportunity to disrequest students they’ve previously taught. The administration has tirelessly worked for the past few weeks to come up with a solution to these teacher-student debacles. Administrators have received many complaints about students being either disruptive or simply irritating during class time, one administrator said. “This kind of behavior is unacceptable in the classroom, so we’ve done everything in our power to fix that,” they added. While meeting with his grade dean, a junior, distracted from the meeting he was having, turned his attention over to an argument in the Deans’ Office about student dis-request forms. The amount of student disrequest forms are allegedly through the roof. “I didn’t know what to believe when I heard this argument,” the eavesdropping junior said. “I thought to myself: ‘do teachers really have problems with students severe enough to feel the need to disrequest them?’.” As students already have the opportunity to dis-request teachers, the administration figured that it would be in everyone’s best interest

Keg Party!

HMTC perfects a staged reading of the cult classic.

to give faculty an equal opportunity. “We are an ‘Equal Opportunity Employer’ after all!” According to a Chemistry teacher, having student dis-request forms is “genius,” she said. “Everyone is going to have a disobedient student at least once in their life. I have the right to never see that student again as long as I live.” A History teacher rejoiced after disrequesting a student he has had for three years in a row. “He was extra, or maybe he was a meme. Whatever it is the kids are saying, he was the worst,” he said. Unsurprisingly, educators across subjects have disrequested a record number of Debate and Model United Nations (MUN) kids. “Not only do they challenge my lesson plans, but now I can’t hear the words ‘inherently problematic’ or ‘on net’ without shuttering,” an agitated English teacher said. Several students are forced to embark on five independent study projects (without advisors) due to the overwhelming amount of disrequests filed against them. “We hope to implement a restraining order system by the Fall of 2020,” a grade dean explained. Several students who have been disrequested by all teachers will be participating in year-long mandatory outdoor education program at Dorr. “If anyone can fix them, Glenn can,” an administrator was overheard saying.

@hm.record @thehoracemannrecord Horace Mann School 231 W 246th St, Bronx, NY 10471

THE RECORD OPINIONS JUNE 1ST, 2018

Stools are for Fools, a Chairleader’s lament Taeang Moon Expert

Lab where he had to sit on a stool for a full hour and a half. He choked up, “It was just so uncomfortable. It was hard for me to focus in class.” He is not alone. Several surveys *2 have shown that when sitting on a stool, many students’ attentions go to how they should adjust their buttocks to alleviate

An extremely pressing issue has struck me since the beginning of my first year at Horace Mann. No, in fact, it was a problem at my old school as well. No, in fact, it has been a problem as old as time. To put it quite simply, stools are fools and they aren’t very cool. First of all, stools are very uncomfortable and they do not have the precious and essential back to lean on. Students are often seen slouching when sitting on stools and several students * have voiced complaints about how uncomfortable they are during class and lab especially. Junior Melchior Lee remembers his harrowing days in Biology

chair. So stupid.” Which brings me to my main point. The same surveys *2 have shown an overwhelming approval of replacing lab stools with lab chairs. Whenever anyone is tired, chairs are there to support their weight. Whenever comfort is needed, chairs are there to be a back for your

Studies have shown that 100% of all people who sit on stools die. the pain. Senior Chidiebere Nwankpa strongly expresses his disapproval of stools stating, “They are a layman’s

back. Studies have shown that 100% of all people who sit on stools die. There’s no escape for us but there may

Editorial

The only editorial we have ever written before 7 p.m. on a Thursday With the tennis team up in arms about having no courts on campus, the swim team bidding farewell to the bathtub, and the science department counting down the days until they won’t have to share a building with the Middle Division, we, the Editorial Board of Volume 115, have decided that it’s time to get in on this HM in Motion drama. Since the dawn of time, The StuPub has been our spiritual, emotional, metaphysical, and quite literal home. We have spent countless late nights straining our eyes at our computer screens, neglecting the spelling errors on our pages and countless periods (that were definitely frees so I don’t even know why I got this weird email from Ms. Cassino with a cut slip attached) asleep, evading our problems. However, HM in Motion will mean a new StuPub for a new generation of teens who feed only on the thrill of journalistic integrity. How dare the school try to update facilities when we’ve been squatting in this cluttered mess of a home? Yeah, it’s part art studio and part childlabor factory, but it’s OUR art studio and OUR child-labor factory. In defense of our beloved StuPub, the Editorial Board proudly presents HM in Stagnation. We are falling asleep at our desks, blasting a different Big Booty remix on every computer, and we are never getting up. How’s that for a non-traditional path after high school? According to HM in Motion’s website, the campaign is “Inspiring Science, Encouraging Community, Promoting Wellness, and Strengthening Athletics.” However, the brave teens at the core of HM in Stagnation already accomplished all of those feats. Spectrum has used the StuPub a few times, we have a Facebook messenger group chat, we get carrots in addition to Hint of Lime chips and Swedish Fish in our Fresh Direct order, and we’ve collectively been to gym like 6 times in the third trimester. We have Dayle Chung’s old sleeping bag, 14 swivel chairs, 17 computers, a box of mounds, all of Gustie’s textbooks, some broken cameras, and all the copies of the Review that people haven’t picked up, and we are not going down without a fight. *Though initially intended to be humorous, we are all obsessed with the StuPub and will miss it dearly. We may run this again in class day because a) we love the StuPub and b) because we may not feel like writing another editorial.

Volume 115 Editorial Board Managing Editor Adam Kazarian

Editor in Cheif Windie Owens

Problems Editor Yourhika Hahahari

Characteristics Tiffsome Liuser Natasha Poster Board

Jews Ben Heller Yeewen Old

Onions CJ Murakfriend Rebecca SaltTower

Apples & Evangelists Katz Library Joanne ofBoleyn

Lions’ Darn Pita Linguini Ricardon’t Needlenock

Photography Wasrita Acharyass Freyass Lindvalley Abby SourKraus

Puberty Ella Feinberg Sarah Thigh

De-sign Editors Evan Megibow Nikki Moazami Lisa Ihs

Art Director Arriela Purpleberg

Glenn Wallach Dave Berendaughter

Dorics, Ionics Ludi CornYalePrinceHarvard-DartPenn Amir Sheybani

Online Editor Micheal Falsell

be for future generations. We must replace those malicious stools for the chairs that will be our angelic saviors. Have you ever heard of anyone being given an honorary stool? Of course not, that would be a gross insult to the very institution of chairs. Some students have voiced some concerns regarding this proposed switch. Senior Michael Truell questions the costs of such a measure: “I think it would be pretty hard to replace all stools with chairs and also stools seem to have more mobility.” To that I say, “No.” There are many chairs that could swivel around in case of emergency and the cost will be solved with my innovative proposal. I plan to start the Chair Fund

Committee to pay for all the chairs with our own effort. After solving the problem in our school, the CFC would help schools without any chairs. We will aim for a better world where everyone can be comfortable, relaxed, and focused. Chairs have always been there for us when we have needed them. Stools, on the other hand, despise our freedom. They constantly plan to oppress us from below and yet we still use them. So let us stand together, fight against the force of the stools and take a step towards a brighter world, by sitting back down on chairs. *may *2 probably would

ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE How to end the year strong! Aaron Snyder

Called upon at the last minute to write

It’s that time of year again – it’s too cold in the morning but too hot in the afternoon, you can’t walk across the field without being hit by a Spikeball, your team was just eliminated from the playoffs (yes, we know, you should’ve won) and your entire grade in all your classes comes down to the last test of the year. Don’t panic! Here are some tips to get you through:

1. Accept responsibility.

You can blame the ten-point scale, the trimester system and the smart kids in your class for ruining the curve all you want, but at the end of the day it was your Netflix binge that was responsible for your C+ on the last test. Way to be.

2. Know what you need.

Your entire year is riding on this next test! You think you need an 89ish. That’s not going to cut it – now is not the time for back of the envelope calculations – get out your graphing calculator and go to work. Consult the math department if you are unsure.

3. It’s not over till it’s over.

You did the math and you need a 107 on the next test to get the A- for the year. Oops. That doesn’t mean you can get complacent. You need at least of 64 to get the B+. Study hard – crazier things have happened.

4. Make a study plan.

Let’s say you need a 78. According to the golden rule of studying (1 minute studied = 1 point on test) you ought to study for 78 minutes. Plan accordingly.

5. Call Dr. Breus.

The sooner you accept it the better: you won’t be sleeping much these next two weeks. Dr. Breus can help you through this tough time as long as you remember the most important rule of sleep: It is better to not sleep at all than to sleep in increments of other than 90 minutes. If none of these tips help you and you feel doomed, take solace in the fact that this is your last trimester at HM. Get ready for semester tests!

ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE

Staff Writers Malhaar Agrawal, Betsey Bennett, Peri Brooks, Amelia Feiner, Elizabeth Fortunato, Leonora Gogos, Caroline Goldenberg, Katie Goldenberg, Surya Gowda, Will Han, Jude Herwitz, Edwin Jin, Solomon Katz, Janvi Kukreja, Madison Li, Connor Morris, Megha Nelivigi, Noah Phillips, Eliza Poster, Julia Robbins, Abigail Salzhauer, Nishtha Sharma, Sadie Schwartz, Tenzin Sherpa, Sandhya, Shyam, Becca Siegel, Charlie Silberstein, Lynne Sipprelle, Griffin Smith, Georgi Verdelis, Ben Wang, Jeren Wei, Robbie Werdiger, Simon Yang Staff Photographers Iliana Dezelic, Eva Fortunato, Miyu Imai, Abigail Kraus, Daniel Lee, Mimi Morris, Benjamin Parker, Tatiana Pavletich Staff Artists Elizabeth Fortunato, Sofia Gonzalez, Surya Gowda, Damali O’Keefe, Spyridoula Potamopoulou, Jackson Roberts, Zoe Vogelsang

Editorial Policy ABOUT The Record is published weekly by the students of Horace Mann School to provide the community with information and entertainment, as well as various viewpoints in the forms of editorials and opinion columns. All editorial decisions regarding content, grammar and layout are made by the editorial board. The Record maintains membership in the Columbia Scholastic Press Association and National Scholastic Press Association. EDITORIALS & OPINIONS Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the majority of the senior editorial board. Opinion columns are the sole opinion of the author and not of The Record or the editorial board. NOTE As a student publication, the contents of The Record are the views and work of the students and do not necessarily represent those of the faculty or administration of the Horace Mann School. The Horace Mann School is not responsible for the accuracy and content of The Record, and is not liable for any claims based on the contents or views expressed therein. LETTERS To be considered for publication in the next issue, letters to the editor should be submitted by mail (The Record, 231 West 246th Street, Bronx, NY 10471) or e-mail (record@horacemann.org) before 6 p.m. on Wednesday evening. All submissions must be signed and should refer to a Record article. Letters may be edited for grammar, style, length and clarity. CONTACT For all comments, queries, story suggestions, complaints or corrections, or for information about subscribing, please contact us by email at record@horacemann.org.

HORACE MANN ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT JUNE 1ST, 2018

Alma mater contest ends in a lil tie Gabby Kepnes Staff Writer

SCARED STRAIGHT HMTC actors stage the famous Langston getting ill scene.

HMTC stages Keg Party reading Rebecca Salzhauer Staff Writer The scent of vomit wafts from the stage of the Black Box Theater as the lights dim on final tableau of Langston lying blackout drunk on the bathroom floor in the Horace Mann Theatre Company’s (HMTC) staged reading of “Keg Party.” “Keg Party,” the film that makes the 10th grade health curriculum go around, is a “powerful drama” about an “all-you-can drink” party “where beer runs like water,” according to the Human Resources Media (HRM) website where you can buy the film for $99.95. It actually says this stuff, you guys. Look it up. This one production encompassed the philosophical complexity of Pippin, the peppy, catchy tunes of Legally Blonde, and the mass appeal of that one time when Mr. Timkò directed Grease and Gross Theater was sold out for the whole run. The HMTC’s reading marked the premiere recreation of HRM’s iconic film for the stage. “We’re still shocked schools still use this movie,” Karen, a representative from HRM said during a two hour phone call with a Record reporter, “but we’re glad to keep reaching today’s impressionable youths.” Following the previous politically and emotionally-charged staged readings of Bang Bang, You’re Dead and A Memory, A

Monologue, A Rant & A Prayer, the HMTC chose to present yet another harrowing piece that left the audience in tears, filled with a desire to take action. “We really wanted to cap off the year tackling the equally important problem of casting 2747 year old actors to play teenage characters in films. Like why does high school senior Gary look like he’s a disgruntled father of three who spends hours wandering the aisles of Home Depot to get away from ‘the wife?’ Oh yeah, and underage drinking,” an HMTC Officer said. A sophomore “loved the movie,” so he decided to attend the reading. “I was really moved. Seeing Langston’s story told by my peers really opened my eyes to whole new layers of complexity in the narrative I always knew already spoke volumes to the American teenage experience,” he said. Another attendee was also impressed. “I get all these emails from theatre people? They’re like super extra. Maybe I’ll read them now. When’s the play?” she said. The HMTC is hoping to build on their success and foray into HRM’s oeuvre of supreme cinema to bring to the school’s stage. “Considering how well received this one was, I think the next natural step is to start working on experimental adaptation of the heroin documentary,” an HMTC Officer said.

After hearing and singing the school’s alma mater over and over and over again, members of our community have called for a change, and it goes a little like this: “Gucci Gang.” Three weeks ago, the school’s administration sent out an email to the Upper Division in which they announced a competition that is open at all students and faculty. The email’s first line reads: “You hate it, and we heard you! In order to rewrite this 151 year old alma mater, we want your submissions! Please respond to this email with your song and a creative title in two weeks. Your jingle should be under two minutes and appropriate for all three divisions. May the best alma mater win!” Three weeks later, the Alma Mater Committee (AMC) has narrowed the 50 submissions down to three: a freshman, a senior, and a chemistry teacher. According to a member of the AMC, what these three submissions have in common was their song choice: “Gucci Gang” by lowkey, indie artist Lil Pump. “No one in our committee has ever heard of this exquisite song,” AMC Member said. “Lil Pump is truly the songbird of our generation. After listening to the song, the AMC decided it would appeal to the entire student body. “Every assembly will break out into laughter and happiness each time the student burst into song and dance, namely the whip and its nae nae,” exclaimed an anonymous AMC co-chair. After reading over the three ballots of “Gucci Gang”, the AMC decided to send out an application in which each artist must defend their artistic vision. According to the rap-loving freshman finalist, his song should be chosen because being the writer of the school’s alma mater would be the highlight of his Common App. “Horace Mann, Horace Mann, Horace Mann, Horace Mann, Horace Mann, Horace Mann, Horace Mann, spend ten racks on tuition, don’t mess with the freshmen,” is the first line of the song, according to the riled up freshman. “I mean my first line straight up describes the community of our school,” the freshman said. “Right off the bat we mention the School’s name seven times which is obviously important, and then you have a petition to end the whole teasing of the freshman. It’s a perfect reminder every time we sing the Alma Mater.” In contrast with the new vulnerable freshman, the second submission was from a slump-y senior. “Since it’s my last year, I want to leave a

lasting impression on the entire HM body. Also, I’m a senior. Senior. Priorities,” the lazy senior said. “Third tri, Third tri, Third tri, Third tri, Third tri, Third tri, Third tri, we get lit in PI, all we did first tri was cry,” was the opening line. According to the apathetic senior, I want to make these last few months of mine and my peers’ high school career meaningful, starting off with a song that is truly emblematic of our class: we are the seniors to remember.

LION PUMP Lil Pump gets pimped out in lionlogod gear in honor of the alma mater re-write.

While the members of the HM community believed the last finalist was a student, they were sorely mistaken. The Science Department thought that since biology, chemistry, and physics are the answers to the universe, they should be the primary themes of the Alma Mater. “We wanted to marry science facts with the values of our community,” according to a member of the experimental Science Department. “Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Sodium, Calcium, Cesium, waves, energy, and light, science brings our School to life,” was the first line. Since Horace Mann is about mixing academic values with communal values, we thought taking a 21st century song and turning it into a mini lesson about the earth would be a sufficient way to get our students excited about science--something so important to our curriculum,” a Science Department member said. The AMC is taking another week to evaluate the three applications in order to select the most outstanding Alma Mater that would properly capture the essence of our beloved community. While the AMC’s choice is still unclear, we can seek comfort knowing that the general “bop” of out future alma mater will be undoubtedly touching and catchy.

Tony Bronx Prep School Plans Lavish Friday Evening Display of Privilege and Elitism Michael Bomwell Post Staff Writer* This Friday evening, the students at the elite Horace Mann School in Riverdale, New York have boasted that they will put on a display of artistic merit the likes of which most working New Yorkers could only dream of attaining. No doubt their intention is clear: alienate the audience while flaunting their blatant disregard for common decency. Each week, it has been reported that these students engage in wild celebrations with music and revelry that they like to call “rehearsals”. These “rehearsals”, they claim, are a means to prepare the students to perform their ritualistic defaming of American family values. “The very idea that performing music is somehow in touch with what New Yorkers need is a joke,” says Joe Average, a man who was spotted wearing a Yankees hat behind the loading dock of a CVS pharmacy.

“These kids should be paying taxes and playing stickball”, said Average, right before he finished “watering the plants”. Mr. Average is echoing what countless other New Yorkers are no doubt thinking as they ride the subway while uncomfortably pressed up against each other until it stops at a destination that is just beyond walking distance from their actual destination: Kids nowadays are all going to fail at everything if they don’t start listening to more Bon Jovi. Indeed, this sentiment was echoed by another passerby, Joan Everyday, while on her way to work at the Hebrew Home for Lost Turtles. “Bach, Copland, Sousa, Gershwin . . . Scriabin? These are not composers that children should be exposed to at this age. Where are these kids’ parents? I know I wouldn’t let MY kids play Bach, that’s for sure,” says Everyday. She then pulled out a picket sign from her purse and began chanting, “No Bach on my block, no Bach on my block!”

No doubt the directors of these ensembles would have to get down out of their glass tower if they ever wanted to know what truly good music is. What happened to the classics? Where’s Iron Butterfly? Where’s Electric Light Orchestra? Where’s Meatloaf? Most likely, they have used their powerful connections to manipulate the public into listening whether we want to or not. Well, we’re not buying it. The proof is in the pudding, and unless they’re serving pudding at the post-concert reception, this staff reporter is staying in his modest walk-up apartment in a non-descript working-class neighborhood of an outer borough to watch a Netflix documentary about a Backstreet Boys cover band on Friday night. *Please note that Mr. Bomwell is not indeed a Post Staff Writer. He sent in his resume to write for them, but was rejected after it consisted of 88 4-page long emails of niche humor.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT An actual ensemble rehearses, we got lazy and are using a photo from last week.

THE RECORD MIDDLE DIVISION JUNE 1ST, 2018

2 - DURING BAR MITZVAH SEASON -

Rebecca Ida Siegel tells all in....

A GOYS GUIDE SCHMALTZING IT UP

As the self-proclaimed Queen of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah season, I, Rebecca Ida Siegel, am here to share my sage wisdom regarding the proper etiquette for guests of newly-minted men and women.

1. To wear heels or not to wear heels, that is the question:

So it’s Saturday morning and David’s bar mitzvah is eight hours away. You want to look good (for the photos, of course) so you start planning your outfit. Heels. You must wear heels. The harder they are to walk in, the better. If you decide to wear flats, you will miss out on the hours of lamenting in the bathroom with your gal pals and the free socks that the DJ gives out. You must wear a skin-tight bodycon dress. There is no other option, and it would be silly to think that your turquoise skater dress would fit the occasion. David is a man now--this is not casual stuff. After the heels and the dress, you must design a makeup look that fits your “going-out look.” You should do this by watching hours of makeup tutorials and wrestling your hair into a top-knot bun so that you can really stand out tonight.

2. Fashionably late:

It’s 7:30 and the party is just starting. You had to miss the service because your Spanish project is due on Monday, and frankly, you and David aren’t that close. You call to your parent(s) and tell them that

it’s time to go. You should try to get there exactly half an hour late, not the first - but definitely not the last - person to arrive. Once you step out of the car and approach the door of the club (yes, the club), you must text Fatima, your best friend. Grabbing onto an anchor friend for the night is the best and lasting advice that I will give you as the b’nei guru. Otherwise, you will be swaying alone to the beat of “G-d’s Plan”, which is not optimal on this special night.

3. Watch me whip, now watch me hava nagila:

Welcome to the dance floor, the mecca of Jewish festivities. Here you can hear anything from Childish Gambino to Drake to songs from the old country that Aunt Sveta breaks out in when she’s had a little too much of the Davidtini (mitzvah kid named mocktail) or Manischewitz. Adjust your dance moves to the song being played; you should not be wobbling in the middle of “Havana,” c’mon that’s downright childish. You should have practiced three or four moves that revolve around bouncing slightly up and down on your knees to the beat or fist-pumping like you’re from the Jersey shore. When the Hava Nagila starts to play, you must sing along - it would be a faux pas not to. And take a twenty minute snapchat video and caption it “Mazels David!” with the lit saturday night filter on it as well.

4. Is this stuff even kosher?: how to select the best nosh options:

So, you want to dig into the steaming trays of mac and cheese, chicken wings, and pigs in a blanket that line the walls of the club, but you can’t seem to drag your friend away from whipping on the dance floor. That’s fine. Ditch them. Locate another one of your wornout classmates and drag them to grab a plate (because eating alone means that you’re obviously avoiding dancing with Patrick who snapchatted you a winky face 50 minutes ago). When you get to the food, make sure to select the most “kosher” options as to not offend your estranged orthodox cousin, Abraham Baruch, without actually keeping kosher anytime else.

5. Getting Lit: Candle Ceremony Edition:

So the music has faded and the montage of David’s early childhood seems but a distant memory, which means, now it’s time for the candlelighting ceremony. Finding a seat next to your classroom comrades on the floor will probably be one of the most difficult things you will have to do all night (save trying to re-apply lip smacker in the dimlylit bathroom). But, you must do it, otherwise you will grow more and more fatigued as you hear about David’s hebrew school, camp, and family friends, and will not

be able to jump right back into dancing when the music resumes. Once you find a seat, try not to fall asleep, it won’t help you in high school when you ask David to send you his notes from class and he replies with “lmao, but you fell asleep during my candle-lighting ceremony in seventh grade.” Once David calls his school friends (first the boys and then the girls) up to light a candle, make sure your hands are making the blood symbol in the photo, otherwise how is anyone gonna know that you and David are close friends?

6. Underneath the light of a thousand fluorescent lights:

It’s photo booth time. You have waited all night for the line to die down so that you can make a customized set of pictures of just you and Fatima. Sure, you’ve photo-bombed hundreds of pictures and have twenty-three images stuffed into the bottom of your purse (yes, they will be going up on your mood board at the end of the night), but you want a photo to commemorate your best friendship because if you don’t post about it, did it really happen? The lighting is just right, a single white light bulb flashes from the center of the screen. You are both wearing pairs of oversized green sunglasses, feather boas (yours pink and hers white), and signs that say “I’m with stupid.” Take another few photos, but do not wait for the photos to print. You will definitely

David’s Bar Mitzvah

remember to return at the end of the night to pick them up.

7. Pack it up, Pack it down:

When the clock strikes midnight, you know that your mom or dad will be at the door to come and get you. They will not wait for you to pack up your things and want you promptly out the door and on the sidewalk when the clock strikes twelve. You must listen to them, otherwise they won’t let you go to Katie’s next weekend, which - from the custom invitations engraved on gold bricks - seems like it’s going to be the hit of the social season. As “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas comes to an end, you must tear Fatima away from the dance floor and schlep over to the candy bar. At the gift table, you’ll find a plastic bag complete with your nametag (and if it’s boujee, a bow of the party’s color scheme) and and a monogrammed jumpsuit. Once you shovel sour patch and swedish fish into your bag, give David a weird side-hug that you never quite mastered, and tell him you had a great time. Then you drift over to the coat check, where you can re-adjust to the quiet of the New York streets and grab your jacket. When you get home, realize that you forgot the pictures of you and Fatima and frantically text David to bring them to school on Monday. “This Saturday was lit,” you think in your head as you start to drift into slumber.

HORACE MANN NEWS JUNE 1ST, 2018

John Sleepman, M.D., a new addition to HM Madison Li Staff Writer This past week, rumors have spread across the school regarding the addition of Dr. Sleepman, MD, to the Counseling and Guidance Office for the new school year. Sleepman made his first appearance at the school in a Healthiness Week assembly. He took the school by storm, and the hashtag #Sleepman4HM2k18 has been trending almost as much as the Record Instagram. Please follow @hm.record. We’re trying to get a better ratio. According to a super accurate poll, 99% of the school supports Sleepman being available for sleep study sessions during school hours next year. “In a world that puts so much stress on our getting at least five cycles per night, it is imperative that we have people at school to provide guidance along our journey,” a junior said, justifying his falling asleep in lab to his physics teacher. Sleepman, believes that every student is entitled to at least four sleep cycles, and he is willing to put in time to talk to students about their sleeping schedules without judgement, he said. “I’m eager to start working at the school next year and talk to a variety of students

with different schedules and concerns,” Sleepman, M.D., said. “Hopefully, I’ll be able to introduce special non-blue light bulbs around the school in order to strengthen students’ REM sleep, subsequently instilling better circadian cycles.” “Oftentimes, if blue lightblocker glasses and a good sleep ethic are not effective in correcting circadian cycles, I will dart children with horse tranquilizers. I find that heavy doses of large-animal drugs are the most effective way to knock out a teenager before 10:30 pm,” Sleepman, M.D. said. Therefore, Sleepman (M.D.)’s office will most probably be in the form of a food truck-like vehicle, so that he can become a mobile unit, tranquilizing students more effectively than ever before. “I heard there will be a nap pod in the back of the truck, and I really need that during school because I haven’t slept in four days...but I’m killing it at fortnite,” said a freshman found disturbing the peace in the library. While Sleepman M.D.’s two kids will likely be attending Riverdale (The CW) - as he is certain they will look like 25 year olds in high school - he is ecstatic to work with such tired students, he said.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) Good News: You’re actually going to finish that big paper you’ve been putting off Bad News: It’ll be one grade lower than your last assessment Tip: Fix those comma splices! Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good News: You’re gym class will be canceled sometime soon! Bad News: You’re in health this trimester anyway. Tip: Go for a run, you lazy swine. Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good News: You’re going to get a new piece of technology soon. Bad News: Your Bubbe had to schlep it all the way from the Apple Store on 5th Avenue and it’s now obsolete. Tip: Stop measuring your self-worth through your possessions. That’s the problem with this generation.

In Memoriam

The Trimester System

Katie Goldenberg Staff Writer The school community is still reeling in anticipation of the tragic loss of the beloved trimester system, as the administration is planning to take it off of life support on June 13th, 2018. The trimester system played a crucial role in the lives of the student body, humbly and consistently providing students with a standardized way to complain about work. “It was amazing,” a senior said, “I could excuse my lack of motivation literally every single day by stating which trimester it was.” The trimester system was first hospitalized after a crippling hit to its self-esteem when it accidentally heard administrators discussing the possibility of its suspension while waiting outside the main office to meet with a dean. The instance

caused the trimester system to immediately fall into a coma, and it was consequently hospitalized the same afternoon. All administrators declined to comment, but I saw on the FirstClass history that they all read my email. At a CC forum held to console grieving students, a teacher hopefully announced the arrival of a new semester system. “This year, my pet fish died, and I was, like, so sad. I couldn’t stop crying for days, and then my mom was like ‘don’t worry, we’ll get you a new fish,’” a freshman said, “that’s what talking about semesters was.” “I don’t know why this didn’t warrant an assembly but Trump winning the election did,” a conservative student said, “It was arguably more upsetting.” After overhearing this comment, the entire English and History Departments disrequested the student.

Horace Scopes Taurus (April 20-May 20) Good News: You’re skin is going to clear up soon Bad News: That extra credit project is going to take up a lot more time than you thought it would Tip: Stop wiping Broadway Joe’s pizza grease on your face. That’s why you have acne, fool! Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good News: Your club officers are genuinely considering you for that leadership role Bad News: It’s in MUN Tip: Quit MUN. It’s bad for your soul. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good News: You’re going to study really productively this week Bad News: You’re addicted to meth. Tip: Go to Guidance. They did wonders for me.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good News: The caf will finally restock on one of your favorite items Bad News: Middle schoolers will cut you in the sandwich line. Tip: Cut them back. I can sell you a shiv. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good News: Your friend group is going to do a really good job keeping in touch over the summer. Bad News: Your friend group sucks. Tip: Hey, we haven’t talked since seventh grade. I really miss our deep conversations. Hit me up some time? Libra (September 23 - October 22) Good News: Your promposal was a success! Bad News: Prom is on the same night as David’s bar mitzvah. Tip: Look at page 4 then tell Becca Siegel how funny she is.

According to the system, testing weeks will be diminished and students will have a greater opportunity to raise their grades over the course of each semester with assessments spread out over a greater period of time. “I don’t really buy it,” a young student said. “If we didn’t have hell weeks where would we be? Fieldston?” The rising senior class has expressed the most regret in regards to the trimester system’s condition and decision, with several angry letters to the trimester system’s family begging for a change of heart. “How am I going to senior slump?” a junior said. “What are we going to call ourselves now? Second semester seniors? That sounds awful.” The school will hold a memorial service on Alumni Field in the trimester system’s honor.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good News: The baristas at Manhattan College will get your order right at Starbucks. Bad News: You’re the barista. The year is 2179. Everyone you love is dead. Tip: Be careful with time travel. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good News: After 4 years of hard work and dedication, you were finally named MVP of your team. Bad News: It’s the underground Quidditch team and you’re the only one on it. Tip: If you were a wizard, you’d know by now. Give up on your childish fantasies. Slytherin forever. Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) Good News: Your name will appear in The Record Bad News: It will be spelled incorrectly. Tip: It’s all good. No one reads The Record.

THE RECORD NEWS JUNE 1ST, 2018

Students trade item for item, starting with a singular paper clip Two students at the school were each given a paper clip. They set out for one day to trade the paper clip for bigger and better items.

Janvi Kukreja (11)

Kukreja trades her paper clip Kukreja trades gum for for Ellie Klein’s (11) gum. Sophie Coste’s (11) iced tea.

Kukreja trades ice tea for Kyra Kwok’s (11) pen.

Kukreja trades MetroCard for Kukreja trades iPhone case Matthew Chung’s (11) iPhone for Nader Granmayeh’s (11) 7 case. broken portable charger.

Kukreja trades Advil for Stella Kukreja trades portable charger for Zach Brook’s (10) Cha’s (10) partially empty $50 giftcard. bottle of Advil.

Arjun Swarup (12) (His last and only trade)

Kukreja trades pen for Gibby Thomas’ (11) MetroCard.

Janvi Kukjera

(Last trade = Carrot Cake)

Result of this game: Food is always the answer

HORACE MANN FLUFF JUNE 1ST, 2018 ADVERTISEMENT

What kind of Horace Mann Student are you? Did you tour UChicago? No

How much sleep did you get last night?

Yes

You get a test back, what’s the first thing you do?

4 hours... Coffee

Text your parents or keep it to yourself

Humble brag

Where do you spend most of your time at school? Outside a department office, waiting to meet with your teacher after stalking their schedule on Haiku You are not a Horace Mann Student. Please MUN, go back to MoCo or Debate kid. Fieldston.

Super stars. You do the most ... and not in a good way.

7+ hours

Running late for a meeting with my Bespoke Tutor

On the field with my Beat Pill listening to Lil ______

Sound Cloud DJ Actually an HM student, but you wouldn’t know.

ADVERTISEMENT Are you a modern day Messiah? Do you hear the snow g-ds summoning? When it snows, do the flakes dance around you?

If so, you may be the ideal candidate for the next caretaker of the HMPSDI. Please send your cover letter, resume, and completed common application to hmpsdi@ horacemann.org

A stop coming soon to 246th!

yells & whispers OVERHEARD AT HM

“And then when I found out my brother was a communist extremist...” “I just spent three hours making memes for the school’s meme page then 4 more hours trying to come up with a caption for the record’s captain contest.:

Super Fun Sudoku!

“It’s really a supernatural quality to be able to study for more than 15 minutes consecutively without a Snapchat break.” “In my mind, it boils down to a simple question: after how many cups of coffee do I get a headache. That point is known as supercaffeineation.” “I want to go to the Testing Center to get candy but it’s awkward cause I’ve already been three times today and I’m gonna get judged.” “She said to meet me in the caf, what does CAF stand for?” “I thought Parul and Jane were college counselors. I asked them how to log into my Naviance account.” - a Junior “As per usual I was taking my assembly-nap and then suddenly I started having a dream that Gustie was rapping. That’s when I woke up and realized it wasn’t just a dream.” “Sometimes when people ask me if I go to a boarding school I say yes because it feels like I spend every waking hour at HM.” “I told myself I would eat lunch today but I saw the spikeball net and just couldn’t help myself from destroying all those sixth graders.” “Do Harvard and Penn superscore?” - a Freshman

Lions’ Den Record Sports

JUNE 1ST, 2018

FAREWELL

RECRUITMENT NEWS Stanford offers scholarship to sophomore after he absolutely tore it up in PE floor hockey Everett Kagan Phys. Ed. Beat Reporter On Monday, Stanford University’s Men’s Hockey Coach Stan D. Ford announced his decision to give a full scholarship to Chad Delstein (10) at a press conference held in the ruins of the fitness center. Delstein thanked his family, his friends and Coach Russo for giving him such a totally stacked team. “I mean, they put all the freshmen on the other team,” remarked Chad. The numbers don’t lie, as Chad racked up 3 goals, 1 assist, and 7 steals (6 of which came against freshmen). “We saw the talent,” Recruiter Stan D. Ford commented. “When you know, you know, and he showed clear dominance over

tired children giving zero effort.” Critics of this Stanford decision have brought up Chad’s lackluster shooting percentage, his resistance to passing, and the fact that he’s never put on ice skates in his entire life. However, Ford and the rest of the Stanford recruiting team aren’t phased by this. “People didn’t believe in Michael Jordan,” he said. “Sometimes you have to rely on your gut and give a kid a chance.” The wiffle ball and plastic stick used during this historic game of floor hockey have been autographed by Delstein, and are now being put up for auction in the bookstore. The signing ceremony will be held in Olshan Lobby. Delstein’s grandparents and grandfriends are eager to celebrate his accomplishmments.

THE INTERNET

FLOORED A stock photo of students (read: 30-year-olds) playing floor hockey.

Courtesy of the HM Swamp Creatures

TOO POOL FOR SCHOOL A #ThrowBackThursday of the old pool.

Record Juniors As the swim team prepares for their bathtub “Letting Go” ceremony, they reflect on their love/hate relationship with Prettyman Pool and voice their hopes for the new eight-lane, USA swimming certified pool. “I can’t believe I’ll be able to see the floor now,” a sophomore said. “Three concussions later, it’s really time for a change.” Besides having genuinely clear water, the new pool features the latest in physical education. With a floor that moves up and down, instead of students being taught to swim, the pool will “swim” to them. According to a science teacher, the AP Biology students are devastated that they will no longer be able to study the reproduction of streptococcus bacteria in the pool. Additionally, AP Chemistry students are greatly saddened by their inability to continue conducting experiments with the pool’s overwhlemingly high concentration of bromine and urine. “At least we won’t have to worry about students stealing goggles

LOSSES OF THE The jack of spades in a once full deck 2/5 of the core values

WEEK

A dongle (that thing you attach to your iPhone to use the new headphones)

Human contact

A yellow lacrosse stick

A USB

from the Chemistry lab,” a science teacher said. “We will finally be able to supply all of the chemistry students with goggles, and women like Carol can live on in peace.” A number of new rules will be established to keep the pool from regressing back to its bathtub era. Gone are the days of students not showering before jumping in, leaving band-aids and hair at the bottom of the pool, and breaking the concussion record each year, according to a sports medicine teacher. Speaking of injuries, an alumna visiting the school recently suffered from a severe case of dejá vu after seeing the pool and was hospitalized. When she recovered, she pointed herself out in the black and white 1936 photograph of the pool that is still hanging in the Middle Division. The wall tiles looked just as ancient then, she said. “I found my glasses at the bottom of the pool, and it’s been forty years,” the alumna said after she recovered. “If you think about it, this pool’s really a time capsule. I can show my kids now!” According to an anonymous source, veteran morning swimmer

Airpods Ray Bans

Belief in a higher power Sleep

A drawstring with gym clothes

Our sense of humor Noodletools password

Motivation Our dignity

Kim Do has had to receive counseling for the lack of morning practice. “I really cherished the taste of the blood, sweat, and tears of the swim team after morning practice.” If you are feeling nostalgic for the days of the bathtub, be sure to visit Meredith Cullen’s “Museum of the Murky Waters.” The museum is located between Sports Med and the Fitness Center and has not one, not two, but three wax figures of coach Duffy along with a oncewhite and now brown pool tile. Some things, however, will stay the same. “Having your hair freeze when you step outside after practice is a rite of passage for Sea Lions,” a junior said. In addition, swim team cult rituals will live on in glory. Spectators will still enjoy the same Sea Lion arfing, toga processions, and after-competition 1000-calorie bliss brownies. Oh, and of course, there’s Swim Fest. Although a recent Independent Study project determined that 99% of attendees to the event are not in fact swimmers, the new pool is large enough that they will now be able to “attend” swim practices in order to get a coveted invite.

A nail

Our sense of entitlement... oh wait, found it!

An army green jacket A friend

A study guide