Off The Record
JUNE 1ST, 2018 || VOLUME 115, ISSUE 29
All of the news that is probably not fit to print
HORSEMAN’S WEEKLY NEWSPAPER SINCE 1903
RECORD.HORACEMANN.ORG
Freshman sacrificed to Snow G-ds Francis held for questioning
Registrar Mitchell Francis has chosen to leave the school early amid controversy over his alleged involvement in the disappearance of three freshmen. The last sighting of the freshmen was F Period Monday “blocking the first-floor entrance to Tillinghast as usual,” an aggravated senior said. Despite intense interrogation by the New York Police Department (NYPD), all that had been discovered by Tuesday afternoon was that a group of juniors had been planning to hack into the Office of College Counseling database. “I just wanted access to Naviance to change my GPA because… it’s below the University of Chicago average,” one tearful junior, who has since been ostracized by the school community, shamefully admitted. However on Tuesday night, a new tweet appeared on the HMPSDI. It read, “The Snow G-ds must be appeased. Minor sacrifices (such as freshmen) must be made for the good of the entire school community.” Francis was subsequently arrested by the NYPD as a criminal suspect in the case on Wednesday during tea time. “I made this sacrifice for all of you,” Francis hollered to students as he was being dragged away. “Just look at the current environmental policy,” Francis said. “Think of its impact on global warming. You think putting a spoon under your pillow or doing the macarena in front of your
fridge is going to get you snow days? The snow G-ds demanded something monumental.” Upperclassmen waved goodbye tearfully to Francis while freshmen looked uncomfortable and understandably unsettled as they continued eating their Gushers and Snackwells. “He’s my hero,” one junior said. “We’re going to have more snow days next year, and we already have less freshmen.” According to a sophomore eavesdropping on conversations in the Dean’s Office while in Study Hall, the Head of School was conflicted over whether to encourage Frainces to resign. “I had to do it,” the junior heard an anonymous administrator say. “I could have dealt with two pairs of angry parents, but three is one legal suit too many.” Francis’s arrest and subsequent resignation have led to mass protests among the sophomores, juniors, and seniors. Model Congress is planning a walkout during break on Friday. “Freedom of religion is a
fundamental American liberty,” Model Congress representatives said. “This is a clear violation of the Bill of Rights.” In response to this pro-Francis sentiment among the student body, freshmen have taken to wandering the halls only in groups of four or more for fear of another ritual sacrifice. Many also carry bribes to keep angry upperclassmen at bay. “I’ve already had to give away three Platinum Gov Ball tickets,” one freshman whimpered. “I don’t know how many more my parents will buy me.” The Record attempted to interview Francis for his opinion on the events taking place at school, but lawyers said he was transferred to maximum security prison as of last Tuesday. Current Associate Director of Middle and Upper Division Admissions will be taking Francis’s place as Registrar next year. “I would never repeat Flancis’s mistakes,” Garrison said. “Well… I suppose it depends on what the weather looks like.”
Elite dating app for kids with parents who went to Ivies Nishtha Sharma Staff Writer
inside
Horace Mann parents have turned to a dating app to increase their childrens’ chances of getting into Harvard. Ivy-Mingle is a company that aims to pair up parents who want their children to get an Ivy League diploma at all costs. The company’s mission statement is “to create a future where genetics are all that matter to get into college. GPA, extra-curriculars, and standardized test scores should essentially become useless when it comes to college admissions.” “It’s taking legacy to the next level,” an Ivy-Mingle spokesperson said. “Now, we can manipulate genetics to make the college process even more favorable for the world’s elite, and more competitive for all,” a representative from the company said. The company’s founder and CEO, Cornellia Penny Brown III, partnered with computer scientist and Yale graduate, Prince Harveyton, to build an app to match up ambitious Ivy League grads.
A Stupub Farewell
2
A sad Editorial Board pilots HM in Stagnation.
The app recruits potential participants through a detailed process that “is modeled off of the college admissions process,” the CEO said. “We make sure to look at each applicant and potential participant holistically. What we try to focus on is what their future offspring will bring to the table in terms of academics, intelligence, and their level of social superiority,” she said. “People who criticize Ivy-Mingle are just angry that their children can’t get into an Ivy League the old fashioned way: having their parents buy a building,” she said. The College Counseling office has considered partnering with Ivy-Mingle to establish a branch for recent alumni who are already anxious about their hypothetical children’s college processes. “Some parents would like to begin their child’s college process earlier. We want to help ease that process for them,” an anonymous college counselor said. “It’s never too early to start looking for a partner with the right legacy (and pocket size).”
A Goy’s Guide
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A #barmitzvahszn handbook so good you’ll plotz!!!!
Juli Moreira/Staff Artist
Lynne Sipprelle Staff Writer
Teachers disrequest students A game of chess: teachers play the next move to check student misbehavior Nelson Gaillard Staff Writer After multiple instances regarding conflicts in between students and teachers, the administration has flipped the script by giving teachers the opportunity to disrequest students they’ve previously taught. The administration has tirelessly worked for the past few weeks to come up with a solution to these teacher-student debacles. Administrators have received many complaints about students being either disruptive or simply irritating during class time, one administrator said. “This kind of behavior is unacceptable in the classroom, so we’ve done everything in our power to fix that,” they added. While meeting with his grade dean, a junior, distracted from the meeting he was having, turned his attention over to an argument in the Deans’ Office about student dis-request forms. The amount of student disrequest forms are allegedly through the roof. “I didn’t know what to believe when I heard this argument,” the eavesdropping junior said. “I thought to myself: ‘do teachers really have problems with students severe enough to feel the need to disrequest them?’.” As students already have the opportunity to dis-request teachers, the administration figured that it would be in everyone’s best interest
Keg Party!
3
HMTC perfects a staged reading of the cult classic.
to give faculty an equal opportunity. “We are an ‘Equal Opportunity Employer’ after all!” According to a Chemistry teacher, having student dis-request forms is “genius,” she said. “Everyone is going to have a disobedient student at least once in their life. I have the right to never see that student again as long as I live.” A History teacher rejoiced after disrequesting a student he has had for three years in a row. “He was extra, or maybe he was a meme. Whatever it is the kids are saying, he was the worst,” he said. Unsurprisingly, educators across subjects have disrequested a record number of Debate and Model United Nations (MUN) kids. “Not only do they challenge my lesson plans, but now I can’t hear the words ‘inherently problematic’ or ‘on net’ without shuttering,” an agitated English teacher said. Several students are forced to embark on five independent study projects (without advisors) due to the overwhelming amount of disrequests filed against them. “We hope to implement a restraining order system by the Fall of 2020,” a grade dean explained. Several students who have been disrequested by all teachers will be participating in year-long mandatory outdoor education program at Dorr. “If anyone can fix them, Glenn can,” an administrator was overheard saying.
@hm.record @thehoracemannrecord Horace Mann School 231 W 246th St, Bronx, NY 10471