Humor Issue 2 (Issue 21) by The Horace Mann Record

Issue 21 This issue can legally drink

Off The Record You Should Have Seen The Uncensored Version Courtesy of Mannikin

record.mansplainers.org Stuck in 2020

[CUT FROM THIS ISSUE] TERRIFIC! Science Department returns to its roots, adds scientology course

STUDENT ADDS .2 TO TEMPERATURE ON SYMTOM CHECK, FEARING THREE CONSECUTIVE 98.6S SEEMS SUSPICIOUS

NICE! Boy points out sexual

Horace Mann to become all boys again, beginning Fall 2022 Vivien Sweet and Talia Winiarsky In Search of New High School

that his name not be published says that there has been much less gossip circulating about his political views.

Horace Mann will once again become an all-boys’ school next year, overturning the controversial 5-4 1975 decision to permit girls to attend the school. The school will drop the second “n” in “Mann” to appropriately represent the new demographic. “For new social-distancing protocols, we had to eliminate half of the school population,” Head of Upper Division Dr. Jennifer Delilah Levy said. “You know, the hallways were getting too crowded. So we used the most statistically advanced system

Courtesy of Mannikin

possible, RandomNameGenerator. com. It just happened to be that all of those students were girls.” After being told to evacuate the third-floor bathroom in Tillinghast, the girls were dismayed but not surprised. “I feel like we’ve had this coming,” Girl Boss (11) said. “The school started out by giving us cardboard tampons, then by making us actually change for gym.” According to a poll conducted by The Mansplainer, which has replaced The Record, 94% of the remaining student body was happy with the decision. “I mean, if we can still hook up with them, it’s chill I guess,” Bro Courtesy of Mannikin

Broenstein (12) wrote in a Snap text. “But, like, I can’t be exclusive though. I just want to put that out there.” A self-identified centrist who asked

Prior to the removal of women, he was “villainized” and “matronized” by girls who disagreed with him. “You say that Kavanaugh is your role model one time and nobody lets you live that down,” he said. “Except for my boys, of course.” In the Student Lounge, gaming and arguing has continued, seemingly oblivious to the removal of women. “I don’t expect the social scene to be much different,” Trak Pants (10) said. “I don’t interact with girls that much anyway.”

Popular gathering spaces, such as the big stall in the girls’ bathrooms, will be converted into Fantasy Football Centers, Levy said. “It’ll spare out teachers from having to hear this before class every day,” she said. “Now they can have their own little space to carry out their little fantasy games.” A handful of classes and clubs will remain the same, though. “Wait, there were girls in this class?” AP Physics student Imm Mahture (12) said. “I had no idea.” Director of the ICIE Toksik Maskewlinity said the removal of women presents an exciting opportunity for the boys, as they will be able to explore their sexualities Courtesy of Mannikin

PEEK-A-BOO! 15 gamete variants found in all gender restroom, 23 in the Lutnick hall stairwell

BREAKING! Horace Mann reported dead in his grave

CONFUSION! Girl says she “stayed home” over Presidents Day weekend, SnapMap suggests home is Bora Bora

Senior who posts “no one deserves this more” for friend’s college acceptance realizes that others may indeed deserve it more

SAD! After 73-day Snapchat

streak, girl still too scared to ask him to hang out

Courtesy of Mannikin

The academic scene will certainly look different, however. There will be no more Psychology and AP English, as the demand is simply not high enough with the girls gone, Levy said. The school will also discontinue The Record, Mannikin, Manuscript, Folio 51, Feminist Students Association, Horace Mann Theatre Company, Horace Mann Dance Company, Happiness Club, and the Cancer Awareness Club. To replace AP English, the English department will install an intensive year-long class called “The Language of Boys” in which students will learn how to speak like a Real Horace Mann Man. They will have a unit on how to properly use each of these phrases: “glooks,” “valid,” “bet,” and “say less.” There will be an additional unit on discrete self-adjustment.

innuendo in book for the third time that week, rest of the English class creeped out

without the pressure of girls. “Now that they’re surrounded with just boys, I suspect there will be a lot of productive discovery,” he said. Fortunately for the high schoolless girls, a suitor has come to their rescue. The Regis School has very kindly offered to take all of them in, citing “a need for a non-academic distraction for our boys,” Head of Regis Gawd Fourbid said. “As a proud Catholic institution, I can say with certainty that this is what Jesus would want. Or at least what Mary would want Jesus to do.” When Bill Barr ‘67 revisited the school for his 46th reunion, he was pleased to see that Horace Man was just as he left it, except the boys were dressed like “vagrants” and a couple inches shorter than he remembered, he said. “The school was a lot more serious in 1975, and I’m thrilled that it is returning to that state,” Barr said to The Mansplainer. At the graduation of the school’s first all-male class in nearly half a century, Mann felt himself tear up upon hearing the revised alma mater. “I’m really looking forward to this next step in Horace Man’s future. Bet?” valedictorian Mis Ogynest said. “Bet,” the singers chanted back.

WOE IS ME! Books in new

English 12 Elective cannot be found on sparknotes, chegg, or shmoop

GRIEVING! Conservative students hold vigil to remember Rush Limbaugh AMAZING: AP English student makes a point without saying “paradox” or “just to build off of ___” OH BABY! SCHOOL TO RELEASE HM BRANDED CONDOMS YUMMY! DORR CLOSES FOR THE YEAR, EXPANDS INTO METH LAB

Muy Bien! Student flawlessly transitions from English to Spanish as teacher enters breakout room

THE RECORD HOT TAKES STUCK IN 2020

How to get rejected from College 101:

A satirical essay collection created from 1:38 - 2:10 a.m. on December 24th A certain senior applied to a certain number of colleges this year. She also wrote some satirical responses to these questions (yes, believe it or not, all of these questions are real), and you can enjoy them here. No, she did not submit them, because although she has issues, she is not insane.

Identity is more than a list. Please elaborate on who you are.

Good job figuring out that my identity is more than a list. How much of an endowment do you need to figure that out? You think my parents CHOSE to create an indecisive, chronically-stressed daughter who ate two Eggo waffles for breakfast for thirteen years straight and who has to take a picture of the stove to assure herself that she turned it off? You think they checked the “allergic to everything” box? The “pick her cuticles until she bleeds” box? No. Get over yourselves.

If you could solve any problem, what would it be?

I don’t know, College. Everything seems to be going pretty well. I love going to school every day and seeing my friends’ smiles. I love going to big indoor parties on the weekends. Maybe the biggest problem is that there aren’t enough of those. Yeah, that’s what I’ll say. I think we should have more big parties. All day every day.

What is something you’d like to improve on in college?

Apparently my authentic self wasn’t good enough for College, so looks like I’ll have to beef myself up a bit for you, Different College. As such, I cannot improve myself to become any better than I already am. That’s right. I am pretty certain I learned everything there is to know, except what to do when people are singing the happy birthday song to you, but I’m not sure that anyone knows what to do in that situation. But considering that I have a black belt in karate (and I’m not afraid to use it), have cured every disease that exists with a rare plant I found growing under my brother’s bed that smelled like Central Park at night, and written a self-help book that has seemed to work wonders on my cat, I think I’m set.

Describe what makes you happy.

The fact that you asked kids to answer questions about why we would give up our firstborn to attend this institution and now you have to suffer through reading all of them. It’s Newton’s third law, College. In fact, the darker shade of blue your eye bags become as you read about the eighth mission trip or state basketball championship of the day, the happier my heart beats in my chest. It’s that simple. So, to the freshman, sophomores, and juniors, who are reading this, I urge you to write about Fido’s death and the time that you learned that Winning Isn’t Everything. Make the admissions officers regret all of their life decisions. And next time, they’ll think twice before asking us these questions that I have to pay $85 to answer. Maybe I should just spend the money on two chinchillas from Petco instead. They’ll bring me a lot of happiness, College. How about that?

The Philanthropy Games

In case you need another email list to be on…

Everyone has gotten a little bored of the usual charity model, so we’ve decided to spice up the way we distribute miniscule amounts of our wealth. Enter the Philanthropy Games, a club that hosts a biannual competition which includes tributes from various small businesses and nonprofit organizations who engage in a Hunger Game-esque duel for a $50 check. Since the school does not give away money unless it is for something serious and important (like a bouncy castle or a hot dog truck), our parents have generously donated both the prize money and the 200 acre property (complete with mansion and guest houses) on which the competition (the battle, one could say) takes place. While our parents also organize the event and pick the participating organizations, we spend the months leading up to the competitions hard at work googling people from the organizations in order to pick out the volunteers that seem best fit for undisclosed physical activity. The rest of our time is spent watching the fruits of our hard, hard labor! To celebrate each Philanthropy Game, the club pools together our parents’ money yet again to rent out a movie theater at a secret location, gorge ourselves on caviar and gold leaf, and watch as our hand-selected, all natural contestants duke it out on the battlefield (...a metaphorical battlefield, of course...). Although we can’t go too far into it until you’ve pinky promised us to not reveal too much about our club (and signed a nondisclosure agreement), we swear it’s as fun as your annual trophy hunts. If you’re worried about being implicated in any illicit behavior, have no fear! We’re all rich enough that we can’t be tried as adults, and our parents can always pay bail! If any of this sounds like something you’d be interested in, reach out to your nearest illicit weapons trader to join — they all know our club.

NEW CLUBS AT HM Liliana Greyf and Mia Calzolaio Total Strangers

Emails to Teachers Picture this: It’s past sundown on a Sunday night, and you are frantically attempting to draft an email to your favorite teacher asking if the research paper due in less than three hours can be in bullet point format. You’ve made it past apologizing for the time, but you can’t decide whether “I hope you had a nice weekend” is still appropriate — when does “start to your week” become appropriate? Don’t worry; we’ve all been there. If the thought of typing lastnamefirstinitial into FirstClass gives you the heebie jeebies, we are here to help! Emails To Teachers is a group of like-minded, persistent, maladjusted individuals who will happily log into your email to write to your teachers for you. Our team of three and a half members went through an intense vetting process, in which they completed typing challenges, grammar quizzes, and a personal essay about their favorite punctuation (parentheses were a crowd favorite!). While our team may be small, even measly — in size and individual appearance — we promise to be your biggest supporters! Let us teach you the ropes: if you sign your emails with “cheers,” there is definitely some room for growth. If you would like to participate, please FirstClass Instant Message Tee ChersPet (don’t be frightened — you don’t actually have to open your Mailbox to do that). We promise to always go forth with the perfect balance of quirky and respectful, as well as to never ask for an extension on a project less than 40 minutes before the time it is due (if it comes to that, there aren’t enough “apologies again” to save you).

Socially Liberal & Fiscally Conservative Affinity Space Are you intrigued by what it means to be a living oxymoron? Has the loss of traditional Republicanism at the hands of radical fanatics gotten you down? Come check out the affinity space for we who identify as socially liberal, fiscally conservative. We’re dedicated to ignoring the monetary needs that any real social change in our capitalist society require. Each week, we discuss tangible social issues, like climate change and housing, and consider all the intangible solutions to these problems that don’t require raising taxes for the wealthy. We know how hard it is to endure the pressure of Instagram activists and the ceaseless cry of, “What about the lower class?” This is a safe space for fellow aspiring

Rachel Zhu/Art Director

Father Talia Winiarsky Disciples Henry Owens Emily Shi Vivien Sweet

SPEWS Sam Chiang Yesh Nikam Marina Kazarian

Staff

kjhgfghjhgf Maurice Campbell Avi Kapadia Natalie Sweet

Volume 118 Editorial Board

H&M Izzy Abbott Abby Beckler Oliver Steinman

Staff Writers Devin Allard-Neptune, Mia Calzolaio Chloe Choi, Emma Colacino, Yin Fei, Lucas Glickman, Claire Goldberg, Tuhin Ghosh, Liliana Greyf, Lauren Ho, Hanna Hornfeld, Purvi Jonnalagadda, Oliver Lewis, Rowan Mally, Simon Schackner, Morgan Smith, Arushi Talwar, Katya Tolunsky, Nathan Zelizer, Max Chasin, Alex Lautin, Jillian Lee, Hannah Katzke, Vidhatrie Keetha, Zachary Kurtz, Clio Rao, Ayesha Sen, Emily Salzhauer, Aden Soroca, Emily Sun, Madison Xu Staff Photographers Kelly Troop, Sophie Gordon, Amanda Wein, Emma Colacino, AJ Walker, Lucas Glickman, Lauren Ho, Sean Lee Staff Artists Eliza Becker, Felix Brenner, Vivian Coraci, Riva Vig

Son Julia Goldberg

Try Hards Yotam Hahn Alison Isko Josh Underberg

Oy Vey Adrian Arnaboldi Bradley Bennett Jack Crovitz

About Founded in 1903, The Record is Horace Mann School’s award-winning weekly student newspaper. We publish approximately 30 times during the academic year, offering news, features, opinions, arts, Middle Division and sports coverage relevant to the school community. The Record serves as a public forum to provide the community with information, entertainment, and an outlet for various viewpoints. As a student publication, the contents of The Record are the views and work of the students and do not necessarily represent those of the faculty or administration of the Horace Mann School. Horace Mann School is not responsible for the

hedge fund managers to relax and engage in good ‘ole cathartic political dialogue — no SJWs to spike your blood pressure! Among other issues, we come together to lament the loss of the 2012 election, speak about our impending anxiety over the thought of Medicare for All, and worry about the abolition of the private prison system. We’re open to everyone (as long as your parents are in one of the highest tax brackets, have committed a white collar crime, and/or can provide “free handouts” from the pharmaceutical companies they represent). Come by next I period for hot chocolate, cupcakes, and a fake mugshot of Bernie Sanders when he was arrested for robbery!

Holy Ghost Adam Frommer Abby Beckler Lowell Finster John Mauro Sarah Sun

Editorial Policy

Hipsters Annabelle Chan Gabby Fischberg Lauren Kim Rachel Zhu

accuracy and contents of The Record and is not liable for any claims based on the contents or views expressed therein. Editorials All editorial decisions regarding content, grammar, and layout are made by the senior editorial board. The unsigned editorial represents the opinion of the majority of the board. Opinions Opinion columns represent the viewpoint of the author and not of The Record or the school. We encourage students, alumni, faculty, staff, and parents to submit opinions by emailing record@horacemann.org. Letters Letters to the editor often respond to editorials,

Any iPhone Jackson Feigin Julia Isko Maxwell Shopkorn

Rest In Peas David Berenson

articles, and opinions pieces, allowing The Record to uphold its commitment to open discourse within the school community. They too represent the opinion of the author and not of The Record or the school. To be considered for publication in the next issue, letters should be submitted by mail (The Record, 231 West 246th Street, Bronx, NY 10471) or email (record@ horacemann.org) before 6 p.m. on Wednesday evening. All submissions must be signed. Contact For all tips, comments, queries, story suggestions, complaints and corrections, please contact us by email at record@horacemann.org.

HORACE MANN ASTROLOGY STUCK IN 2020

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Rache Zhu/Art Director Lauren Kim/Art Director

1 Strengths: Everything, you are perfect. Weaknesses: Absolutely nothing, obviously. Advice: It’s time to tone down the God complex, my man. You need to stop shouting in the library. I promise you that no one cares about how many hours of sleep you got last night. (And if they said they did, they’re lying.)

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2 Strengths: Strength. Try armwrestling anyone. Weaknesses: Your breath will be terrible for 46 days. Not like your mouth was near anyone’s anyway. Advice: Oh, baby! A miracle is headed your way. No, not the lottery, goofball! I’m talking about a real miracle. That shampoo will do wonders for your hair. For real. More silk, more shine, more growth. I’m excited for you already.

O IRG

2 Strengths: Your vitamin D levels are superb. Weaknesses: You’ll forget that thing. No, the other one. Advice: Be careful walking on that awkwardly slippery part of Alumni Field right outside of Tillinghast Hall where the rays of Jupiter’s second sun point. Your double mask isn’t going to save you from a mouthful of mud.

Strengths: Your jokes are absolutely hilarious. Weaknesses: No one besides you will find them funny. Advice: Forget about Mercury, you’re the one in retrograde! Or is it renegade? Regardless, the TikTok dances in the hallway need to stop. They are neither quirky nor cute. You now bear an uncanny resemblance to a seventh grade girl.

S R IE

2 Strengths: People are *still* scared of you. Weaknesses: Steve Buscemi is your celebrity look alike. Advice: The answer to 17d in the first assignment you open today will be 9826. Don’t bother showing any work; your teacher will not ask to see it in the beginning of class. She will ask for Monday’s assignment, though, so don’t cut any corners this weekend.

1 Strengths: You became weirdly good at beatboxing. Weaknesses: Communication. No conversation will go well. Not today, not ever. Advice: Expecting factoids about special relativity and planetary nebulae?? Sweet young child, go back to that brief time in 9th grade English when you covered spelling and grammar only to never dabble in it again. This is ASTROLOGY. Not Astronomy. Astronomy’s for peasants.

2 Strengths: Error 404, strengths not found. Weaknesses: All of them. Advice: No. You don’t exist. You literally do not exist. Goodbye. Don’t bother sending a Letter to the Editor to complain because you Do Not Exist.

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2 Strengths: You will be excellent at bowling this moon cycle. Weaknesses: Question 4 part b on that math test. Advice: STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. THE ONLY WAY TO PREVENT YOUR INEVITABLE DOOM IS TO READ EVERY PAGE OF THIS ISSUE.

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J Strengths: You will remember everyone’s name. Weaknesses: You yourself are incredibly forgettable. Advice: Don’t freak out when your lab partner calculates all of your measurements in miles instead of centimeters and messes up the entire experiment — it was fate. Besides, just remember to multiply by 160934 and you’re chillin’!

S CE

-SCOPES

2 Strengths: You are a perfectionist whose biggest fear is disappointing someone. Weaknesses: You are a perfectionist whose biggest fear is disappointing someone Advice: Usually, I like to say that it’s going to all work itself out in the end. You know, everything happens for a reason and so on and so forth. Not sure I can say that here. Sorry, love. It’ll be a toughie.

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Strengths: You will never have dandruff again. Weaknesses: Your height. Advice: Apologize. Yes, I know you don’t think it’s realllyyyy necessary. You’re wrong. You do not understand empathy. Go apologize. Oh my god, why are you still reading this? Can’t you just read advice from a newspaper, take it at face value, fold its pages, return it to Oshlan Lobby, and obey its commands?

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2 Strengths: Empathy! For all! Weaknesses: You lack emotional stability. Advice: Stop crying. Last week it was unreciprocated love, this week it’s Chemistry, but that’s not different. You’re spending too many hours weeping, and the Kleenex costs adding up. That was NOT an invitation to cry over the guilt you feel from you’re forcing your mother to make trips to CVS for tissues. Just meditate. Or hold it in. Or something.

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THE RECORD GREAT LOSSES IN HISTORY STUCK IN 2020

Courtesy of the Mannikin

TWO BROS & A CAT Why a cat in a bowl? Did they eat the cat? Was Alex normal back then?

A loss in our community: Berenson ‘95 finally passes on from high school Henry Owens Berenson’s Ninth Favorite Editor The Record is saddened to officially announce the passing of our beloved faculty adviser, Mr. David Berenson ‘95, late Thursday evening. Thursday was a press night like any other. Design Editor John Mauro (12) was eating a huge burrito all alone in the Courtesy of the Mannikin

HAIR Admire that glorious blondeness (hair). corner. The Features editors were just hanging out despite having finished their work three hours ago — press night is as much of a social life as any of them have. Issues Editor Adam Frommer was, uhhh, doing the job of Issues Editor, whatever that is. Supreme Leader Sarah Sun (12) was busying herself by objecting to all forms of nonsense — she was the only one making the paper happen. At 10:01 P.M., Editor-inChief Julia Goldberg (12) asked Berenson an innocuous question: “What do you think about making The Record a daily publication?” Immediately, Berenson began to experience shortness of breath and dizziness, but Goldberg continued: “We’ve got this great idea for another cheating expose on Monday, Tuesday we’ll cover drugs, Wednesday we can do a feature on sexting, Thursday we’ll write about freshman bar hopping, and on Friday we can finally do a profile on your brother, Al—” Before she could reach the end of her sentence, Berenson went into

cardiac arrest. Features Editor Henry Owens (12) attempted to perform CPR; however, despite receiving a Red Cross certification from an online course the school made him take, Owens realized he had absolutely no idea what to do, he said. By the time the paramedics arrived, it was too late for Berenson. The prospect of dealing with “those damn Record kids” more frequently during hypothetical daily press nights was just too much for him to handle, and cost him his life. Berenson was the quintessential Horace Manner. He graduated in 1995, with high hopes of writing novels and screenplays, before he realized in 2006 that his true dream was to return to the school he left just over a decade before. Some teachers are intimidating and carry an air of superiority, but what made Berenson special was his relatability. In recounting the weekly schedule of Volume 92, Editor-in-Chief Courtney Kramer ‘95 wrote, “Associate Features Editor David Berenson doesn’t enter the room, doesn’t

hand in an article, doesn’t edit anything, and doesn’t lay out a page. Tomorrow, he won’t come to press.” Yes, she literally wrote this. The legacy of Berenson’s work ethic on The Record has since influenced editors of the publication to this day. As a teacher, Berenson was very popular among students for his witty quips and flexibility with deadlines. He offered inspiring words (that he actually said and one of his students wrote down), including, “Could be worse. You could be dead.” He would also impart nuanced explanations about our criminal legal systems, such as that time he said, “Prosecutors are not supposed to knowingly put innocent people in prison. That’s a big no no.” Most importantly, he believed in the intellectual capabilities of his students, once telling them, “We were going to talk about The Jungle, but you’ve already thought about it enough — I don’t need to hear what you have to say.” Alex Berenson ‘90, the older brother of the deceased and self proclaimed “Team Reality”

member in his coronavirus tweets, expressed his sadness to learn of his brother’s passing. “It was terrible to hear that David died, but I can’t ignore the fact that this death came just days after he received his second dose of the vaccine,” Alex said, while adjusting his tin-foil hat. “Obviously you’re not going to print that I said all this because the truth is being silenced by the media, and The Record is no exception.” Though Alex has no medical training, his Bachelor’s degree in history and economics from Yale make him significantly more qualified than so-called doctors and epidemiologists, he said. “I wish I could take more time to mourn my brother, but my followers are counting on me to keep them in constant fear of the vaccine.” Alex will not be attending his brother’s funeral because it conflicts with his speaking at the 2021 Conservative Political Action Conference [if only this were an actual joke]. Perhaps the people most affected by Berenson’s passing are The Record editors who would spend eight hours with him on Thursday nights and constantly bombarded him with emails the rest of the time. Talia Winiarsky (12), whom Berenson has described as “threatening,” “weird,” and “not a normal child,” will miss him dearly, she said. Berenson was, as you may have guessed, known for his honesty. “He would tell it like it is, and for that, we will always admire him,” said Frommer, whose music taste Berenson hated. “I hope that, whatever the afterlife is like down there, he is listening to the whiny indie music he likes.” Goldberg, who “unfortunately isn’t legally responsible” for Berenson’s death as the paramedics begrudgingly put it, is concerned for the future of the publication. “I have no idea how we’ll trick any other faculty member into sacrificing so much of their free time for a student newspaper that no one reads,” she said. “Also, it’s sad that he died so young — he didn’t look any older than his late-fifties, early-sixties.” Berenson is survived by his wife, two Brooklyn hipster kids, and his dog, Mighty. He valued his marriage greatly, telling his G period class, “We did it for the taxes.”

Courtesy of David Berenson

SK8ER BOI Berenson’s dying wish was that we use a photo where he looks cool. We’re sorry this is all we had.

History Department copes with Trump loss Oneofyour Dumbnames Definitely Not a Pseudonym Since the departure of former President Donald Trump, the school’s history teachers have entered a collective funk due to the lack of anything to rant about at the start of class. “On the one hand, yes, I appreciate that our great democratic experiment has not failed,” history teacher Dr. K. Nowitall said. “But I also appreciated being able to free associate about tyranny for 15 minutes on any given weekday. It was a tradeoff.” Nowitall attempted to fill the time with additional content, but rejected the idea after a few days. “How much do I need to say about the Roosevelt Corollary? Seriously, kids, you want to learn that stuff, read the damn textbook. That’s not why I got my PhD.”

“

“Trump’s behavior transcended politics. He was an offense to human decency. And I had no choice but to let my students know. Every day. For ten to twenty minutes.” -Dr. Lib E. Rall

Other departments have also suffered from what is professionally known as TVE or the Trump Vacuum Effect, particularly English. “Trump was an epic disaster, sure, but he was also an agita goldmine,” English teacher Neur Otic said. “My poetry has definitely suffered.” Head of Science Department Amoe Ba-Sisters has also voiced annoyance over the matter. “Now, I can’t just kvetch about how we must trust science,” Ba-Sisters said. “I actually have to teach it. Seriously, who in their right mind wants to spend an entire period observing frog guts?” However, no department has been hit as hard by the loss of Trump as history. In addition to Nowitall, other history teachers expressed frustration with the current state of affairs. “I made it a point to never discuss politics,” Dr. Lib E. Rall said. “But Trump’s behavior transcended politics. He was an offense to human decency. And I had no choice but to let my students know. Every day. For ten to twenty minutes.” Asked how Rall planned to fill the time now, she shook her head and sighed. “I wish I knew. Let’s be honest, Biden’s a snooze. I guess I could talk about my children. But they’re not that cute anymore.” History faculty debated the matter at a recent department meeting. One proposal, increasing the frequency of current events discussions, resulted in aggressive eye-rolling. “We do not need to waste more time listening to students pretend they read the assigned news articles by parroting the comment they just heard,” Rall said. “Anything but more current events. If I hear the phrase ‘to echo Ryan,’ one more time, I’ll set my Pocket Constitution on fire.” Her statement was met with hearty applause. Other suggestions included showing Bernie Sanders memes, seeing how long they could play a Vietnam War documentary before a student nodded off, and elaborate setting up the Zoom to receive inevitably terrible feedback. The department ultimately decided not to mandate a set time-filler, but to leave it to individual teacher discretion. “We’re talented, academically-trained professionals,” Nowitall said. “Even without Trump, I have faith we’ll come up with something to rant about.” Rall was less confident. “I guess I’ll have to teach how to properly footnote,” she said. “Kill me.”

HORACE MANN THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO WEIRD STUCK IN 2020

A week without horse tranquilizer.... Henry Owens Drug Lord

Stu de enry of H rtesy Cou

Owe

Courtesy of Hanna Hornfeld

I’m excited to be giving up horse tranquilizers for my student experiment this week. A lot of people are surprised to hear about my love of horse tranquilizers. It did start rather recently, around the end of January. Drugs were being discussed a lot, from states legalizing marijuana to Paul Butler teaching us how to make crack from cocaine and baking soda, and I wanted to join the world of substance addiction. I spent a lot of time researching: weed was too basic, crystal meth had a bad rap from Breaking Bad, crack and cocaine seemed too racially loaded, and opium seemed to infringe on cultural appropriation. Eventually, I found the perfect candidate for my

addiction: horse tranquilizers. And damn, did I make a good choice. For the past several weeks, I’ve been floating and relaxed and feeling unbelievable. I admit, it’s an expensive habit to keep up, and it has been affecting me academically, so this week I will try to quit.

“I’ll be honest: I miss my tranqs.” -Henry Owens Monday

First day clean! I made it through, but it was really rough. I was thinking about my enticing horse tranquilizers the whole day, and I realized that if I was going to make it through this week, I would need to make sure I couldn’t be tempted. What could I do with my tranquilizer stash so that I wouldn’t have access to it? So, I grabbed my duffle bag of drugs, walked down Central Park West to the 20th precinct, and dropped off my felony amount of narcotics. “What is that?” they asked me. “I saw some drugs lying around and thought I’d turn them in,” I replied. They didn’t ask any follow up questions.

nt Exp e

A week without

living in a Society... Hanna Hornfeld Outcast Witch

Usually I can put up with all this madness, but the Kimye divorce was the proverbial straw that broke the Hornfeld back. Society is clearly both useless and dysfunctional, so I have decided to give up caring about it for a week and nobody can stop me.

Monday

My morning was a bit disappointing. I showed up to school in a onesie, but to my surprise, nobody seemed to notice. I felt a deep, impending sense of unaccomplishment, but hey, what’s new? Things started picking up in the afternoon, though! I stared at my math notes in utter confusion for roughly five seconds when I realized that math tests are a social construct. Thank goodness! I am very glad that I picked a testing week to give up on society because now I don’t have to study for anything!

Tuesday

After yesterday’s underwhelming reception to my outfit, I decided to go bolder today. During my E period free, I chopped off about ten and a half inches of hair, cut my own bangs, and dyed my hair pink. My mother has always told me that dying my hair would destroy it, but I have recently realized that “destroyed hair” is a social construct. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of using acrylic paints from the art studio. But dyed hair is a social construct, so was it really a mistake? Plus, I got a couple of weird looks from people, which means I must have been doing something right. My Record article was due at 6 pm. But alas, I was feeling lazy, and Record articles are social constructs as well! Instead, I spent the afternoon watching Mamma Mia on repeat while melting and refreezing jolly ranchers into the shapes of

Tuesday

Common symptoms of tranquilizer withdrawal include anxiety, sleeplessness, difficulty concentrating, and a lack of motivation. All of that is pretty standard for senior year, so actually, I’m doing fine. I did have a calculus test today. I’m not used to taking those sober. It was a lot less fun, but I think I did better than usual. Assuming a 14 point curve, I could get a B-! That is significantly higher than in my tranquilizing days. Maybe I should start being fully mentally alert during my assessments in the future.

their corresponding fruits, for the aesthetic.

Wednesday

On Monday night I had ordered the most extravagant ball gown I have ever seen online, and it finally arrived! It came with a remote control that lets me pick between summer, autumn, winter, and disco modes, kind of like the tree in the Lorax movie. I wore it to school today. I did not appreciate the way people appeared to be judging me. Obviously, they were all just jealous due to their personal lack of ball gowns. I will say that the gown made it difficult to walk across the sea of ice and mud that is Alumni Field, and everyone kept tripping on it in their rush to get Lloyd’s cupcakes during break. Honestly, you’d think that with all its rules, society would have taught people to watch where they’re going. I opened my phone to several messages from my Record editors about the article that I was supposed to hand in yesterday. On my laptop, I had multiple Google Classroom notifications about missing assignments. Phones and laptops are social constructs, so I dropped both into the Lutnick fish tank. I feel freer already! As for fish, well, they had a good run.

Wednesday

I’ll be honest: I miss horse tranquilizers. It’s really nice to have a drug that can make you feel really, really good for several minutes. I’ve been searching for alternatives that can release dopamine. I tried other addictions, but none worked. Exercise was a painful experience that left me sore. Roller coasters had far too long a line. Gambling actually worked pretty well, but now I’m $19,000 in debt. Don’t worry though, I recently placed a bet on a horse that can’t lose — there’s no way Magna Veritas will let me down!

Thursday

I made it! A week without horse tranquilizers! It’s been a week full of lows and highs… well, not any highs, but you know what I mean. I lost a fortune and had severe withdrawal, but overall, I’m glad I did this experiment. It’s good to know that I can survive without being reliant on drugs. To celebrate this incredible victory, I bought enough doses for the whole editorial board to do. We’re going to have a super fun tranquilizer party during press night. Hopefully it doesn’t affect this issue too much!

Courtesy of Henry Owens

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HORSE WHISPERER Owens shares an equine moment.

I pity them for never having screamed into a void. It’s a lot of fun. (Although fun may be a social construct, too. Much to mull over).

Friday

At 3 am I bought a plane ticket to a random mountain range I saw on Pinterest and I guess this is a formal announcement that I will be living here among frogs, sheep, and fluffy cows for an indefinite period of time although my lack of money makes it technically illegal to inhabit the cottage I found but money and laws are both products of Society which I have left behind in my previous life besides I’ve already started making my own paper and pressing flowers to decorate my room and I spent several hours this morning talking to a cute mouse that inhabits my kitchen wall while the mean-looking lady in the wallpaper judged me profusely. I do not appreciate her judgement. It reminds me too

much of Society. This article will be my second-to-last communication with the outside world. Tomorrow I plan to tell the local children I’m a witch and see what happens. Such fun!

Courtesy of Hanna Hornfeld

Thursday

Before I tossed my phone, I had seen a post listing places where society doesn’t feel real. The list included Target, empty parking lots at night, New Jersey, and the inside of a cabinet. During A period, I used a library computer to cancel my CoCo meeting (college is a social construct) and email Dr. Kelly that I would be quitting school (school is a social construct). I then “stole” my parents’ car (car ownership is a social construct) and drove it (minimum driving ages are a social construct; “knowing how to drive” is a social construct) to all of the aforementioned locations. At each spot, I screamed into the void. Societybelieving bystanders appeared concerned for me.

OFF THE GRID Hornfeld realizes it’s all a social construct.

THE RECORD RELATIONSHIP ADVICE STUCK IN 2020

HOW TO SCHEME

A step-by-step guide to succeeding in relationships from students who spend their Thursday nights creating a high school newspaper The Charcuterie Board Master Schemers

From experience, these steps have resulted in a 100% scheme rate. If they don’t work the first time, keep repeating them until you find success (or a restraining order). ☑

First: an organic introduction. Do what we do and ask to interview them for your Record article. (Yes, anyone who’s ever interviewed you before was trying to scheme you.)

☑

Snapchat and Instagram DMs aren’t classy. Instead, communicate exclusively via FirstClass, the most romantic and transparent platform, using Garamond, the sexiest font. If you use Papyrus or Helvetica (heaven forbid), just give up already. Actually, seek help.

☐

Go to the dean’s office and ask Mr. Smith for their schedule. Be sure to say hello to Mr. Smith; he’s delightful. Ask him about his favorite movies. Next, memorize the schedule and pass by each of their classes at least three times so they are forced to think about you. But don’t go more than five times a period — you don’t want them thinking you have serious stomach problems. They don’t want to pass IBS on to your future children.

☑

Make a playlist on Spotify titled their full name and share it with them. Be sure to include the entire soundtrack from Zootopia. Maybe rewatch Zootopia. Realize that it’s filled with contemporary allegories to class and racial politics.

☐

Stalk their parents on LinkedIn, and ask your scheme about their work experiences. Just how was their father’s transition from JP Morgan to Goldman Sachs? And how many connections does his mother have? Learning about THEIR investments demonstrates YOUR investment.

☑

Look them up in the directory, then find their apartment on StreetEasy or Zillow. Note how overheated and overpriced the greater NYC real estate market is, even with a once-in-a-generation pandemic. Consider moving to a more reasonable zip code. After rejecting that idea, return to scheming. Now, lurk outside their apartment so that you’re bound to have a cute and casual run-in.

Courtesy of Vivien Sweet

☐

At this point, things are heating up. Ask about all the foods they’re allergic to, and commit to not eating them, because you could start hooking up at any time. Ask them at least twice a day so you don’t forget. Buy all of the Benadryl at the CVS in case you slip up. If they can’t eat gluten, find someone else to scheme; that’s too high maintenance. However, allergies to sesame seeds, tree nuts, fish, and shellfish signify that they are an absolute gem — keep at it!

☐

Get up during their current events presentation in history class and ask them (in front of the entire class and your teacher) to hook up with you. This requires you to not fall asleep during it, so come into school having consumed four cups of coffee that day. Then, test their moderation skills and see if they take your question to the class.

☐

If all else fails, do what the rest of us do. Stay single until senior year when you whip out the mariachi band to ask them to prom. There’s no way they can say no while under the influence of the auditory excitement of the vihuela or the love song “La Cucaracha.”

SCHEME AWAY! A disciple in action.

Does he like you for you or does he just need MATH HELP? Claire Goldberg and Jacob Shaw Relationship Experts

1. Does he always have “a family thing” except on Sunday night for emergency math-related FaceTime calls? 2. Did he post shirtless pictures from Cabo over Winter Break even though he swore to you he is doing a “technology detox”? 3. Is he “not mad, just disappointed” at you every time he gets something wrong on the homework you did for him? 4. Does he routinely ask for a picture of your problem set answers to “check” if his work is right? a. Are those the only pics he’s asking for? 5. Is the only time he asks to spend time with you when he’s inviting himself to your meeting with your math teacher? 6. Is he secretly averaging an C+ in the class even though he tells you that every test was “pretty easy tbh”? 7. Is he seeing anyone else at the moment? (For math help, of course.) 8. Is it “impossible” to get on his Snapchat best friends list? a. If so, does he have (math) next to your name? If you answered “yes” to three or more questions, then yay! There’s hope! If you answered “yes” to five or more of these questions, it’s probably fair to say that your relationship is purely math related. If you answered “yes” to all ten, he thinks you’re a calculator.

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HORACE MANN WAR AND PEACE STUCK IN 2020

Gettysburg who? Civil War ensues at Horace Mann Jacob Shaw Humorist-in-Chief After failing to reach a ceasefire agreement for mid-semester testing week, rebel forces closed in on Katz Library at 5:09 AM last Wednesday in a surprise attack, completely overwhelming all defensive forces (travelling with a delegation sent in to secure exclusive rights to Head Librarian Caroline Bartels’ supply of Cheez-Its™). This offensive began the fifth week of the longest war on campus, a conflict that has torn apart homerooms, friendships, and even the Model UN team. The war’s origins have taken on a mythic gravity that stirs both sides to arms, student historian and president of the Southern Northwestern Territories during the Early Reconstruction Era History Club (SNTEREHC) William Bucksworth (8) said. These origins can be traced back to a dispute between The Horace Mann Ventriloquist and The Marioonette, he said. Early last month, The Ventriloquist, the school’s bi-equinoctial ventriloquism publication founded by Fiona Lu (9), after an extensive debate and voting process by the Editorial Board, proclaimed itself to be the school’s premier puppetry publication in an editorial. Upon reading The Ventriloquist’s editorial, The Horace Mann Marioonette, a marionette publication founded by Jamie Rubenstein (9), published its own editorial, claiming that it, in fact, was the school’s premier puppeteering publication. “We have the better name and logo and would appreciate it if [The Ventriloquist] retracts their statement, which is wrong,” The Marioonette wrote.

The Ventriloquist, in yet another editorial, said The Marioonette was baseless in its accusation. “Besides, [Rubenstein] hands out junior editor positions like they’re a virus,” the 473page editorial read. An anonymous writer for The Marioonette later wrote in an opinion piece that Rubenstein

In a new survey sent to the Upper Division to gauge students’ workload, a surprising response arose. When asked which subject occupies the majority of students’ homework time, 78% of responders selected “other” with the explanation that it was Dr. Kelly’s coronavirus and weather updates took up most of their time. In fact, on Monday morning, Illey Terate (11) arrived on campus not knowing it was a snow day. Goldsmith was promptly sent home; however, The Record reached out to Goldsmith to understand why she came to school despite school’s closure. “By the time I hit paragraph 11 it was already midnight,” Goldsmith said. “I had a math test the next day, so I thought I should go to bed. Little did I know that paragraph 14 told us that school was closed!” In a poll conducted by The Record, 28% of the Upper Division has hired tutors to help with understanding the emails. “How else are my precious children, Parker and Fifth, supposed to conquer academic challenges?” Madison Avenue ’91 P ’22 ’24 said.“It’s just one more drop in the

Mind on and off the battlefield.” “You know that fighting a war won’t get you into college, right?” Executive Director of College Counseling Cahn Oxelson said, ducking below a projectile from a seventh grader’s rocket launcher. Students have been using the war

Lauren Kim/Art Director

had actually denied him a junior editor position “because he was in the hospital on a press night, but he definitely had it coming.” Shortly thereafter, The Ventriloquist seceded from the school, christening itself as the rightful successor of Horace Mann. Rebel forces occupied Fisher Hall and fighting began — first confined between the two clubs, but soon spreading throughout the entire school. “Within a week, you were no longer just a student, but a Marioon or

An abundance of caution? More like an abundance of emails! Ariela Shuchman She Doesn’t Even Go Here

a Ventriloquist,” Bucksworth said. “If you told people you went to Horace Mann, they would ask, ‘Which one?’” Speaking to a summit of belligerent forces at the Spence Courtyard Demilitarized Zone, Head of School Tom “Machine Gun” Kelly urged both sides to continue following CDC

bucket.” The poll further revealed that 78% of the Upper Division has searched “Dr. Kelly Email’’ into SparkNotes to speed up the process. “Hey, SparkNotes already taught me Hamlet, Mrs. Dalloway, and the picture book we’re reading in English 12,” Burnt Out (12) said. Nine of them explained that they leave reading the email last as it is their hardest and most time consuming assignment for the night: “I get all of the calculus out of the way quickly to make sure I have enough time to read through it all — I don’t want to end up like Kombucha,’’ Cranjis McBasketball (12) said. (As a note to our readers: only the cultural elite understand references to Impractical Jokers.) However, one student articulated that they read Kelly’s email last because its poetic and inspiring nature leaves him with a peaceful dream: “It’s the ‘We can do this! and ‘Much Love, Tom’ that really puts a smile on my face and reminds me that there is good in the world,” he said. “He is the Claudia Rankine of our time.” The History Department is just grateful that the heat is off of them. “Dr. Kelly is in the hot seat now,” history teacher Ms. Alottadegrees said. “My one hour of reading looks pretty sweet, doesn’t it, kids?”

health guidelines and uphold the school’s Core Values while fighting. “While you may be at war, I want you all to remember that you all belong to a larger community, and that you need to remember to keep your masks on except when eating, drinking, or making inspirational pre-battle speeches,” he later wrote in an email. “I am blown away by how many of you showed Mutual Respect to your wounded soldiers and demonstrated Mature Behavior and led a Life of the

as an opportunity to explore their interests while taking on leadership positions. Recently, both sides have contracted with Lower Division clubs to provide armaments for the war, Tanks for Thanks club founder Jerry Smith (11), said. The club subcontracts Lower Division arts classes to make tanks, fighter jets, and battleships, art teacher Sheila Ferri said. “The students have been discovering what amazing creations they can make with their own two

hands, teamwork, and military-grade aluminum.” Tanks for Thanks obtains blueprints for military vehicles from an undisclosed source in eastern Europe and shipping, and the kindergartens are tasked with translating the instructions. “The students love piecing together the Cyrillic alphabet and experimenting with power tools,” Ferri said. “It’s so rewarding to see their faces when they finally build something that actually shoots.” However, many students find the wartime environment stressful, Head of Guidance and Counseling Em Pathy said. “While teachers have been trying to stick to the 45-minutes-persubject guideline so long as control over the library is disputed, it’s come to my attention that some assign more than others,” he said. As the war enters a fifth week of bloody stalemate, students should take a moment to reflect on what they are fighting for, Kelly said in his Spence Cottage Address. In a speech to her forces, Commander of the Ventriloquist Army’s Fifth Airborne Battalion Sarah Levitt later said, “Remember the comrades you have lost, sure. Do remember the spoils yet to win. But in the end, it’s not about the friends who come and go, not even the stars that cease to glow. For even in our graves our hearts are not maroon and white, nor are our bodies Ventriloquist dummies and Marionette dolls. Fight for your glory, fight for tomorrow, but there is more than just that in life. Lord almighty,” she said, her voice then dropping into a spine-chilling pianissimo, “your actions today are a matter of what you’ll put on your Common App™ tomorrow.”

HM Football team goes undefeated for the first time in school history Allison Markman Only Football Watcher

For the first time in a century, the school’s football team went undefeated for the season with a 0-0 record, setting a new Ivy League best for themselves. During the team’s practices, social distancing measures were put into place, which was a hurdle for many players, as balls had to be thrown at least six feet. In addition, thanks to contactless practice, concussions were at an all time low, with only fifteen for the season. Not only did the team go undefeated, the defense did not give up a single point the whole season. To practice during quarantine, the team played a lot of Madden and Fantasy Football, sacrificing precious homework

time for practice. Vick Tory (11), a running back on the team, suggested that “maybe these practices should be implemented more regularly.” The success of the team this season is a silver lining for all during these difficult, unprecedented, very unusual, unparalleled, no-good-very-bad times. The team’s success has been a source of pride for the athletic community, overshadowing the Buccaneers win and Tom Brady’s seventh Super Bowl. After a disappointing performance, not even making it into double digits, the Kansas City Chiefs are even considering signing the Horace Mann offense. “Hopefully they can catch a pass,” Head Coach of the Kansas City Chiefs Andy Reid said. This season has become a rebrand for the Athletics Department due to the

newfound success. Rumor has it that Ole Miss and LSU have started to take notice and are beginning to make offers to the team. Even a handful of freshmen have been offered full rides to the greatest D56 football schools of all time. Other students’ reactions to their season have not been as positive. When asked about the accomplishments of the team, one student said, “We have a football team?” Niche.com has started to take notice, and are considering bumping up the school’s B athletics ranking to a B+, which unfortunately is all too close to an F for the average student. “We really overcame incredible obstacles and never gave up,” said Inter C. Eption (12) who scored the most baskets for the team.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR As an alumna of this once rational institution, I am disgusted by Silent Lunch. I think it is frankly ridiculous for the administration to artificially impose this important natural social occurrence. Eating in silence serves two important purposes in adolescent life: marking the superiors and marking the inferiors. There is no other appropriate way to designate those who cast off others for being punks and prefer to sit alone, and to ostracize those who even the punks think are weak. If everyone is

silent, how will this happen? How will the strong and cool out pace the weak and acne-prone? More honestly, my primary concern with these fascist lunches is that no one will not speak to my brother. What if he leaves high school without being bullied?! Respectfully submitted, An Aging UWS Alumna Henry Owens’s Sister

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THE RECORD CDC CROSSWORD STUCK IN 2020

A beginner’s crossword

By Crosswords Editor Henry Owens Lauren Kim/Art Director

Baby, you take my breath away: Cohen Dining Commons (CDC) removes oxygen from lunch for COVID-19 safety Ariela Shuchman Junior Humorist

see ANSWERS on pg. 5

Across

1. Unsolved mystery, circa Spain 1888 8. A name for a cat with no legs 11. What the “M.” stands for in Thomas M. Kelly 12. Favorite college amongst early applicants from the Class of 2021 14. See page 5 of this issue 16. Mr. Berenson’s favorite skincare product 17. What ACT stands for 18. Regular occurrence 20. Not orange, sort of green 21. Admin of HM Speaksout instagram page 22. What Charles Tillinghast and soccer balls have in common 23. Email system the school used prior to Firstclass 24. Explanation as to why you’re locked out of Instagram (again) 25. Dylan Chin’s grade 26. Winner of the 2020 SBP election 27. Too much ___ 29. The alchemist of the hinterlands

30. Synonym for ubiquitous 31. Literary publication not run by Rachel Zhu (12) 33. See 7 Down 34. Where you can sing on campus 35. Famous Roosevelt quotation concerning breakfast 40. Happiest color of the alphabet 41. What time press night ends 42. The meaning of life 43. The answer to 43 Across

Down

1. Initials of next year’s EIC 2. Most common crossword answer 3. HM’s neurology publication 4. Limit of 2^x as x approaches infinity 5. Mr. Berenson’s favorite editor 6. Perfect supplemental essay for 16 Across 7. See 33 Across 8. Oxymoron, paradox, juxtaposition, etc. 9. Unusual collection 10. Cover story of Vol. 118

Issue 11 12. Solution to the Traveling Salesman Problem 13. Adam’s area of expertise 15. Mater’s catchphrase (from the Cars movie) 18. 30 days hast Sempter, April, June, November and _____ 19. Number of times Talia has sent out a mass email with approval from IT 21. Common TikTok bio 22. Chocolates in Katz Library 23. Uncomfortable conversations with your Dean 28. “I hope you and your family are doing well.” 32. The number of hours Emily Shi (12) has spent on FirstClass 33. e.g. Crime and Punishment, Hudson River, Cats the Musical the Movie 34. Combination of 22 and 43 Across 36. The end, finale, etc... 37. Jenny Wu’s destination 38. Disingenuous apology 39. How long it took you to realize this isn’t a real crossword

On Friday evening, the administration announced a new COVID-19 protocol: students are no longer allowed to breathe while masks are off during lunch. “Breathless Lunch” will begin on Monday. Students will be given personal oxygen tanks that can be used once every 15 minutes outside of the Cohen Dining Commons. An auction took place on Friday night for naming rights for the oxygen tanks; The Record would like to extend a personal thank you to Allot O’Money P’23 once again for his contributions to the well-being of the school. Tee Kay said he is aware that Breathless Lunch will be a challenge for our Lower and Nursery Division who might not have the maturity or lung capacity to follow the new protocol. In response, Allot O’Money has also generously offered to suck all of the oxygen out of the Lower and Nursery Division cafeterias so there is no choice to breathe. “It might be challenging for our little ones to not give into the temptation to send oxygen to their brain and blood,” Kay said. “There are already enough responsibilities falling on our young students this year, like walking themselves to the gym to get a test, so we don’t want to add another one.” For parents who might be concerned, oxygen masks were ordered from Stoney Clover Lane’s Hamptons location to ensure that no one will

suffer from a bad case of Maskne. Uber Black (9) would “literally like rather die than ever like have a pimple,” she said. “I’m supposed to hook up with Personal Driver (12) this weekend, so just, like, no.” Auntie Mask (11) “struggled” to fasten his oxygen mask on after his face turned bright Republican red due to lung damage. Unfortunately, no one could save him; the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) requires you to put on your own mask before assisting others and thus no one could legally help.

“It might be challenging for our little ones to not give into the temptation to send oxygen to their brain and blood.” -Tee Kay

Members of the Upper Division have been prepping over the weekend for Breathless Lunch using a variety of approaches. For example, Blue Indaface (10) Zoomed with swim Coach Leftma Suitathome to practice holding his breath for an extended period of time and to receive pointers on his technique. A petition has also arisen among the Upper Division to impose Breathless Ride for middle schoolers on the bus.

Rachel Zhu/Art Director

Reminder: Friday, February 25 3:15 PM Due to the unnecessarily freezing temperatures of the past two weeks, the administration has decided to loan each student their own set of snow gear. Please come to Olshan Lobby to collect your personalized snow spikes and ice picks for crossing Alumni Field. *In exchange for using the gear, students must waive their rights over FamilyID to sue in the event of an injury. If any questions arise, please email record@horacemann.org