Off The Record RECORD.HORACEMANN.ORG
HORACE MANN’S WEEKLY NEWSPAPER SINCE 1903
APRIL 5TH, 2019 || VOLUME 116, ISSUE 22
School cancelled next week due to rain forecast
Nelson Gaillard Staff Writer
While AgriMann members were tilling Alumni field yesterday afternoon, a yeezyobsessed freshman, walking along Tibbett Avenue from Olshan to Lutnick café, felt a drop of rain, he said, before taking an Uber XL home. An hour later, Head of School Dr. Tom Kelly’s email about a “Rain Week” shook First Class inboxes. “AgriMann’s tractor caught my attention, so I turned my head and what did I see? The tractor, obviously,” hypebeast said. “But above the tractor, a cloud.” “It looked ominous, so I thought I’d email Bartels,” he said. “I also saw the cloud while I wasn’t paying attention and knitting during English,” an anxiety-ridden-because-spring-isencroaching-like-my-alarm-at-6am junior said. “I saw my GPA on Naviance the period before and dropped a stitch in my scarf, so my anxiety was already through the roof,” she added. Since November’s Snow-pocalypse a few
months ago and a collective 184 pairs of ruined Balenciaga and Golden Goose sneakers, the school’s administration has been taking every precaution to prevent future incidents like these. “I’m actually still on my way home,” a sixth grader mentioned over a Facebook Messenger interview. “I’m only few minutes away tho,” he added. A sophomore said that he couldn’t keep maxing out his dad’s credit card with Ubers to and from school in inclement weather or else he’d limit his postmates purchases, he said. According to an “anonymous” survey sent out by the Record on Uber prices during the “snow incident,” two percent of students’ Ubers costed less than $100, but the other 98% paid more than $250 for an Uber into Manhattan. “I would pay $400 if I had to,” a junior said. “I don’t know what I’d do if I had to walk more than a block in the rain.” The cloud doesn’t only pose a threat for students, but also local businesses. Moss Cafe and Bella Notte are closing for the upcoming week of April 8th because their main sources of income are seeking shelter at Nobu
and Jean-Georges instead. “This is devastating for our workers and our business,” Bella Notte Manager Mr. Penne said. Yesterday morning, the official email announcing a rain week slid into MD and UD First Class. “You have a free week in April, how do you spend it?” the CoCo’s College Survey asked. “I wasn’t planning on coming to school anyway that week,” a second semester senior said. “I think my teacher said we might have a quiz on Friday, and my skin is way too clear to deal with stress.” “I’ve been getting way too much sleep,” a wrap-line-cutting freshman said. “So, this extra week will allow me more time to rekindle my Snap Streaks.” A junior, unmotivated and somehow living with senioritis, was unaware of the rain week until this interview. “No way. I’ll prolly just stream Fortnite on Twitch with my grandma’s cat,” he said. With their free week, a senior and his friends are looking forward to going back to PI, he said. “It’ll be nice to not have to do work next week. Not that I do work anyway, but...you
know what I mean,” he added. “PI never dies!” Many students believe the rain was a direct violation of their inherent right to a safe and secure environment. “If I slip on the pavement, I’m calling Cellino & Barnes faster than you can say personal injury lawsuit.” “I don’t think Dr. Kelly could have made a better decision,” a freshman declared. “I need a lot more time to align my chakra.”
Juli Moreira/Art Director
Missing item email: Students’ motivation Kiara Royer Staff Writer A day at school wouldn’t be a typical one if a ‘missing item’ email isn’t sent out by one of the deans. Students have lost a variety of items, including Moncler jackets, an $84.2 million mansion in the Hamptons, and 2/5 of the school’s Core Values; however, an item that has long been considered invaluable has now gone missing: the students’ motivation. Yesterday, the Upper Division Dean of Students sent a frantic email to the school asking if anyone had any information about where the students’ inspiration went. According to statistics provided by the school, students’ grades have decreased almost 20% when mid-semester grades came out; the Upper
Division’s B+ average has now dropped to a C-. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The Facilities Management Staff have been scurrying around campus waving lacrosse sticks, trying to trap the missing motivation. One student spotted Head of Facilities Management I. M. Kleen ensnared in a fencing dual with a squirrel on the steps outside of Lutnick Hall. According to an anonymous source, the school has even attempted to Postmates the missing motivation; however, it has not appeared on the menus at Bella Notte, Broadway Joe’s or Riverdale Diner. Now that they haven’t been given sufficient attention or praise by their students, teachers have been losing their minds.
Gabby Fischberg/Staff Artist
“No one is doing my 147 page history source reading; it’s almost as if no one cares about the Chesapeake Bay,” a history teacher said, crumpling up an essay with a grade of ‘-18’ written in the corner. “Just last period, I saw someone climb the library desks and swing from the lamps hanging from the ceiling,” a bewildered librarian said. “I have no idea what’s gotten into them. My guess? The Lutnick café’s coffee is spiked with something.” The senior now spends her time after school tilling the soil on Alumni Field as inspiration for Agrimann, the school’s Agriculture and Farming Equipment Magazine. “I’d rather be actively re-enacting the lives of 17th century peasants instead of reading about them in a textbook,” she said as she wiped her brow. “We have dance classes instead of gym, so I think farming should become an optional class as well.” After receiving the second College Survey sent out by the College Counseling office a few days go, a dejected junior gave up on ever starting or finishing the questionnaire. “I just finished the first one, and now they send out another?” a junior wearing a Harvard University sweatshirt with Duke University sweatpants said. “I was so stressed about college before, but I think at this point I’m going to wing it. After all, what could go wrong?” Instead of attending school, the junior will start to work full time at Goldman Sachs next week, and the student invests his weekly allowance of $30,000 into the stock market. One freshman said that he lost his motivation after going all out on Project X. “Every single day I was just fighting to stay alive. My spoon was my armor, but the game almost took my soul,” the freshman said. “I had
to peek around every corner and hide in bushes; I really lost my motivation for schoolwork during that week, and so it affected me after the game was over too.” He is now preparing to win Project X next year, so his daily four hour spoon poking practice after school doesn’t leave a lot of time to study for tests, the freshmen said. According to a survey sent out by The Record, 97% of the student body responded feeling a drastic lack of motivation compared to the first semester. The last time this number was so high was in 1975, when the school became coeducational, as students began ogling the newly admitted female students’ exposed shoulders and lost concentration in class. One science teacher has been working overtime to try and locate the missing motivation. After his elaborate plan involving chemicals found underneath Four Acres and the NSA agent tracking his Facebook activity failed, the teacher has resulted to simply praying to the Snow Gods before A period everyday. “How can we have a secure and healthful environment and a good balance between individual achievement and a caring community if the students don’t even want to learn?” the science teacher said, nervously flipping through the school’s Family Handbook to search for an answer. While the teachers are frantically trying to solve the problem, the students have a different mindset. “I have no idea how to regain my motivation, and to be honest, I don’t really care,” a sophomore said, yawning. “I’ve stopped doing homework and just play Big Fish, and it’s honestly taught me more lessons about life than school has.”
Changed wifi password at Dorr sparks outrage Ranya Sareen & Mayanka Dhingra Staff Writers Enraged students at John Dorr Nature Laboratory (Dorr) are in open rebellion. They are prolonging the length of hot showers from five to six minutes after an unexpected change to the Wifi password sparked mutiny amongst the student body. News of the password change circulated last week after the Varsity Ping Pong team held their first annual team bonding weekend at the off-campus site. Since then, various team members have expressed their discontent. “The administration needs to know that we are infuriated and won’t go down without a fight,” Celine-O N. Barnes (9)
said. “Ping Pong is an Olympic sport by the way.” The “forced face to face interaction” caused by the lack of internet connection, prompted many team members to speak to one another about topics they had never discussed before, causing acute distress on the team, Ping Pong team Captain Broad Waychoes (11) said. Now, students are demanding a change on the basis of the School’s core values: a balance between individual achievement and a caring community. Dunky DoNuts (12) believes she was “robbed” of her ability to celebrate her recent success in completing the CAT after trying to conquer the obstacle course over 337 individual attempts during her career at the school, she said.
When DoNuts went to livestream her achievement, she was appalled by the “failed to connect” notification on her iPhone, that she fell off the climbing structure, breaking her pinky toe on the fall, she said. After this event the Varsity Ping Pong team and DoNuts, along with a cohort of displeased students, decided to storm Dorr at night to take control of the facilities. Students are now taking record-long showers and disobeying the laws of beauty and order. “It’s ugliness and chaos from here on, bros.” DoNuts said. “So much for safe and secure,” Mont Claire (10) said. “The network is most definitely not secure.”
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THE RECORD FAKE NEWS APRIL 5TH, 2019
News In Brief
HMCU Takes Over Food Service Abigail Kraus/Photo Editor
Cafeteria no longer allowing middle schoolers to break $100 bills MUN announces Brooks Brothers clothing sponsorship School launches lower school college counseling program Student reflects on long-lasting concussion due to wellness week stress ball incident
OPED: Teacher on school bus rethinks life decisions
AirPodsTM now available in library
Gabby Kepnes Staff Writer
As you may know, Katz Library allows students to check out items like books, textbooks, portable phone chargers, and laptops. Due to the overwhelming abundance of “Missing AirPods” emails filling everyone’s First Class inboxes, the school administration in conjunction with Chair of the Library Department Ms. Caroline Bartella have decided to purchase 30 AirPod sets and have them be available in the Katz Library. “AirPods seem to be the hottest trend on the block these days,” Dean of Students Dr. Susan Delanio said. “Whether someone has lost theirs or they haven’t gotten their hands on them, this new addition to the library’s stock of ‘rentables’ will surely please the Gen Zers who seem to have expressed quite an obsession over this commonality.” Most students have been looking forward to this new addition since the trend became popular. “AirPods, bro!” A freshman said upon hearing the news and then did the hype. “I’ve been an AirPod user since they came out on December 13th, 2016,” Julianne Képnas said. “This way, if I forget mine at home or leave them in the library, I don’t have to go through the pain of being deprived all day!” However, others are concerned about the hygiene aspect. “I’m quite confused as to how the administration thinks that hundreds of students using the same AirPods won’t be a problem,” Quiarra Rouyre said. Bartella, who was part of this decision, explained that she had already thought this through and envisioned a cleaning
station. “After a student is done with the AirPods, they must use one of the Clorox wipes provided at the circulation desk,” she said. “This way the students have a chance to thoroughly clean the AirPods before another student might check them out, and if not, what’s a little earwax between friends?” The librarians also see this as an opportunity for the students to get creative. “We’re planning on hosting an AirPods Week, similar to Unity Week or Music Week,” Bartella said. “The community can host various workshops like decorating the new AirPods with school logo stickers, therefore making it harder for students to confuse the school’s AirPods for their own.” In addition to the decorating, the Community Cabinet (CC), will add a special section to their haiku page where students will be able to suggest the latest music they’ve been listening to on their AirPods,” Chair of the CC Bryana Banana said. “As long as it’s not Mo Bamba. That song is trash.” Maddissonne Lina will check out a pair because recently, another student accidentally mistook Lina’s AirPods for their own due to the universal plain, white appearance, Lina said. “Even though I had to cut the wires off my original headphones in replacement of my lost AirPods, I’m truly not worried because thanks to the school administration, I can use AirPods again!” Lina said. As of the writing of this article, 26 of the 30 pairs have been lost and eight students have ear infections.
HM BARISTAS UNITED HMCU Executive Chefs prepare an order for a customer.
Abigail Salzhauer Staff Writer
After students tried the delicious yet fairly priced treats from the Horace Mann Chefs United (HMCU) bake sale in the first semester, a movement began to replace the Flik food service with HMCU. After weeks of petitioning, the administration finally gave in. Starting April 8th, HMCU will supply all food for the caf and cafe. When asked how the new food is, an eighth grader responded saying that they don’t care. “I Uber Eats Moss Cafe every day anyways. I haven’t had anything other than gourmet avocado toast since my last day of fifth grade. I just don’t get the same energy for gym from food from the caf. Coach Russo is counting on me for Q tip hockey. I just can’t sacrifice the nutrients.” When notified that HMCU offers its own version of Avocado toast, calling it sourdough toast points served with mashed avocado and tomato confit, the eighth grader commented “it’s only $35, which doesn’t fit my motto of ‘$40 and above or it gets the shove,’” he said. The change however has not come without pushback from some members of the community. A representative from GreenHM is devastatingly upset by HMCU serving all foods in small tasting cups. “It’s horrible for the earth. The gym rats are throwing away thousands of tasting cups a day. One chicken breast is served in five of those things! They can have their gainz, but at least use reusable containers. Something must be done about this,” the representative said shaking his head. “The cups aren’t even made of recycled paper.” Even with their anger, no action has been taken yet. GreenHM is still recovering from its straw ban in the caf earlier this winter.
Student spills the tea on campus free food Ben Wang Staff Writer
We all like food, right? However, do you know what food is best? Free Food! Doesn’t just hearing those words invoke this intrinsic hunger in you? But where can we find some of these delicious treats in the school? Have you ever wondered why every day during break, there is a line jam-packed with students in front of the circulation desk? Well that’s because it’s a free food jackpot. Chair of the Middle and Upper Division Libraries, Caroline Bartels along with Stiffany Aponte, the Head of Library Circulation, and Melissa Kazan, the Library Technology Coordinator, prepare countless free snacks every day. I’m assuming these are the correct titles but can you double check? Students have been able to enjoy an assortment of free snacks like crepes, chocolate covered bananas, strawberries, pineapples, fruit roll ups, pretzels, s’mores, and more. While you can always pick up a free snack during break in the library, sometimes, you may want a snack during another time. Don’t worry, there are still many other locations with free food!
Staff Fighters Malhaar Agrawal, Laura Bae, Andrew Cassino, Mayanka Dhingra, Victor Dimitrov, Amelia Feiner, Dictator in Chief So Many Issues Editor Assistant TO the EIC Mark Fernandez, Nelson Gaillard, Leonora Gogos, Jude Lynne Sipprelle Herwitz, Edwin Jin, Spencer Kahn, Samuel Keimweiss, Sadie Schwartz Betsey Bennett Gabrielle Kepnes, Suraj Khakee Madison Li, Darius Fake News Opinionated Farce and Derangement McCullough, Noah Phillips, Eliza Poster, Julia Robbins, Kiara Creatures Royer, Abigail Salzhauer, Ranya Sareen, Nishtha Sharma, Katie Goldenberg Rebecca Siegel Peri Wei One More Abigail Griffin Smith, Benjamin Wang, Robbie Werdiger, Simon Surya Gowda One Abigail Jeren Brooks Megha Nelivigi Yang, Isabella Zhang, Izzy Abbott, Bradley Bennett, Sogona Cisse, Jack Crovitz, Jackson Feigin, Adam Frommer, Andie Gym Ratz PhotoBooth Malign Editors Fart Directors Goldmacher, Julia Goldberg, Marina Kazarian, John Mauro, Natasha Stange Another Abigail AllisIn-DeSign Juli Moreira Henry Owens, Emily Shi, Samuel Singer, Sasha Snyder, Vivien Broman McGuinn Mannikin EIC Ahaan Palla Jackson Pollock Sweet, Natalie Sweet, Joshua Underberg, Talia Winiarsky Caroline Kaplan William Han Jake Shapiro Staff Photographers Eva Fortunato, Iliana Dezelic, Griffin Smith, Harrison Haft, Andrew Cassino, Julia Isko, Julia Press Night “Adult” Munchkin Division IT Guy Robbins, Daniel Lee, Ava Merker Staff Fartists Elizabeth Fortunato, Alexandra Crotty, David Berenson Sandhya Shyam Henry Wildermuth Gabrielle Fischberg, Annabelle Chan, Julia Roth
Volume 116 Editorial Bored
Family Fitness Center residents said that the cups are a little annoying but give them the opportunity to get more of a variety of food in their diet. Rather than just eating 12.235 grilled chicken breasts each for lunch every day, they eat poached lamb leg with pattypan ratatouille. “Since HMCU took over I’ve actually been able to bench 50 more pounds,” A gym rat said. “So far we have only run into two problems,” CoExecutive Chef Evan Wu (12) said. “We are severely understaffed. We didn’t expect the cafe to ever open, so we’ve been taking ninth graders hostage and forcing them to make at least 12 smoothies before we let them go. It’s how we’re building a future following for the club,” Chef Wu said. Additionally, Chef Wu discussed the decline in sales of omelets. “Chef Hess (12) is just so passionate about explaining the multitude of ways one could cook an egg that he hasn’t had any time to actually cook them,” Chef Wu said. “We’ll actually be livestreaming a portion of each egg lesson on Chef YJK’s snap-story. Feel free to add him at any time. You’ll learn a lot,” Chef C-Gull said as she served mannuccinos, mannspressos and mannattes in the Cafe. “We just have to work out the kinks. Minor troubles like these come with food service take-overs like this one,” Chef Wu said. “Sometimes we call Brenda for help, but she usually hangs up the phone immediately. She’s still very upset. Directly after the take-over, she took off for a year-long sabbatical to Fiji, where I hear she’s hoarding yogurt parfaits on the beach,” Chef C-Gull said. “The point is, we’re in charge now. And, whether they like it or not, the middle schoolers will just have to try Foie Gras.” Chef Wu said.
Some veterans like Harry Porges (11) have spots that he visits regularly. Before English class, Porges often stops by the Testing Center on the first floor of Tillinghast to grab a few pretzels sticks or candies that Mr. Jesse Shaw, Testing Center Coordinator, always puts out for students and teachers. Maybe you’re a junior or senior and you want to talk to your college counselor about something. While you’re there, grab some candy to eat too! That’ll sweeten up your day. Sometimes on special days, you’ll even find some breakfast there. Think about that…a few savory sausages, some satisfying scrambled eggs, or maybe you’re in the mood for some pleasing potatoes We all know eating food calms people down, so to alleviate the stress of hunger, our Guidance and Counseling Office has also provisions for hungry students. Another expert of finding free food gave some more mischievous advice. He recommended to go to the Music Office when there’s a concert. Often times, he would sneak some of the food for the musicians. Next time you’re hungry, maybe instead of going to the cafeteria, stop by one of these spots, because free food is always better and this school has no shortage. Editorial Policy ABOUT The Record is published weekly by the students of Horace Mann School to provide the community with information and entertainment, as well as various viewpoints in the forms of editorials and opinion columns. All editorial decisions regarding content, grammar and layout are made by the editorial board. The Record maintains membership in the Columbia Scholastic Press Association and National Scholastic Press Association. EDITORIALS & OPINIONS Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the majority of the senior editorial board. Opinion columns are the sole opinion of the author and not of The Record or the editorial board. NOTE As a student publication, the contents of The Record are the views and work of the students and do not necessarily represent those of the faculty or administration of the Horace Mann School. The Horace Mann School is not responsible for the accuracy and content of The Record, and is not liable for any claims based on the contents or views expressed therein. LETTERS To be considered for publication in the next issue, letters to the editor should be submitted by mail (The Record, 231 West 246th Street, Bronx, NY 10471) or e-mail (record@horacemann.org) before 6 p.m. on Wednesday evening. All submissions must be signed and should refer to a Record article. Letters may be edited for grammar, style, length and clarity. CONTACT For all comments, queries, story suggestions, complaints or corrections, or for information about subscribing, please contact us by email at record@horacemann.org.
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HORACE MANN FAKE NEWS APRIL 5TH, 2018
Freshman Bullying Seniors Darius McCullough Staff Writer A spitball flies across the hallway and hits the Student Body President in the face as she leaves her Advanced Placement Calculus classroom. She turns around and sees a group of freshmen snickering near the water fountain on the third floor of Tillinghast hall. A senior gets pelted with a snowball as he crosses the field (illegally) to go Advanced Placement Chemistry. These are daily occurrences at the school this year, as the issue of freshmen bullying Sen19rs spreads as senior spring approaches. “It’s getting ridiculous,” the SBP said. “It is happening over and over again throughout my day, I just want to come to school to learn and have fun with my friends.” It has been discovered that the Office of Guidance and Counseling is, in fact, facilitating this bullying of the seniors with their own program: Horace Mann Orientation (HMO). “HMO is a great way to immerse freshmen into the culture of high school while keeping their middle school tendencies,” Guidance and Counseling said. “We have to make
sure they manage high school with all of the traits of middle school life. If that includes bullying the seniors then that’s what the freshmen have to do.” “I knew something was wrong with HMO when a freshman kept teasing me for not being able to get the class to watch my PowerPoint during the club’s fair class,” the valedictorian said. Many freshmen are defending themselves with the common excuse of “They’re annoying what are we supposed to do?” the ninth Grade Dean said. There is a common disdain for the seniors among the Class of ‘22. “Can you blame us?” the ninth grade Class President said. “All the seniors do is wear college apparel and tell the rest of the school to not go into their study room. Does anyone even know what they do during the second semester?” Freshmen do not understand why seniors get all of the attention. “All they are doing is going to college...that’s it. What makes them so special?” “We can’t wait for them to leave,” a former black jacket said. “Class of ‘22 runs things around here now”.
“I’ll just leave it like this,” her bestie added. “There’s a reason why we’re the first class that is going to get Lutnick Hall for all four years.” Seniors don’t know why the freshmen have turned on them all of a sudden. Despite all of these events, some students still attempt to defend the seniors. “I don’t see why they get picked on so much,” a junior said. “We’re all gonna be seniors at one point.” Shortly after the interview, the junior was booed off his bus by a group of freshmen. “This is probably the biggest school issue since the snow school bus crisis in November,” the Head of School said. “We’re supposed to be strangers met in friendship,” a senior said. “The freshmen seem to have forgotten about the friendship part.” This bullying requires a serious reinforcement of the school’s five core values, the Head of School said. “We won’t be able to fix this problem with socks.” He will look to settle this pressing issue in the next few weeks before the beginning of Senior Spring, the Head of School said.
Juli Moreira/ Art Director
Wind Ensemble toots their way to Super Bowl Nistha Sharma & Eddie Jin Staff Writer
The National Football League (NFL) announced that they will invite the nation’s top independent school bands – including the school’s Wind Ensemble, Riversdale’s Orchestra, and Fieldston’s Choir – to perform in
the Super Bowl halftime show on March 17. The decision came following the hilltop schools’ mash-up of “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes and “Sicko Mode” by Travis Scott at the Spring Concert. “It was absolutely ravishing,” Wind Ensemble conductor Miguel Bombastic said. “The hairs on my mustache were tingling.” Juli Moreira/ Art Director
Additionally, The New York State Music Association of Independent Schools (NYMAIS) unanimously agreed to name the Wind Ensemble “Ensemble of the Month” following its performance. “When the piece begins and nobody plays, there is a confused silence that captures the disorder of our universe, and it’s beautiful,” NYMAIS chairman Freddy McOboe said. The Wind Ensemble will perform alongside Adam Levine, returning by popular demand, and Odell Beckham Jr. A recent survey of 100 students found that 99 would love to see Levine shirtless again. The one dissenting student declared his tattoos “tacky.” “I hope he doesn’t plan on being buried in a Jewish cemetery,” he said. After his transfer to the Cleveland Browns, Beckham is turning to a musical career as a violinist. The Wind Ensemble often collaborates with the Orchestra, but it was unfortunately disinvited from performing at the halftime show because they “clearly never practice,” whereas the Wind Ensemble “evidently does absolutely nothing but meticulously rehearse – with metronomes – at allegretto tempo after tuning to a B flat note from their excellent tubist,” John Rocknroll, a NYMAIS competition judge, said. These controversial remarks bewildered the
Orchestra. “We never practice?” an Orchestra member shouted. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard the Wind Ensemble play a B flat in tune.” Offended, the Wind Ensemble’s lead trumpet threatened to “pluck every hair off your bow then throw it down a bassoon.” Nonetheless, Orchestra spokespeople said the group is relieved to be finished with the season. “It was a good run with the bois,” Orchestra president Viola Basscello (12) said. “Bro I played so much cello the strings were falling out of my bow. One more concerto and both I and the cello would literally snap,” cellist Cell O’onedge (11) said. “Thank Mozart we don’t need to play that modern music,” Orchestra conductor Icant Handel said. The jazz ensemble also questioned the Wind Ensemble’s commitment to the beat. “We start playing before they can even find their music, and we produce REAL music from our souls, and they get to perform?” Davis Fivemiles (12) said. “Jazz music isn’t dead but it smells funny.” Another candidate for the halftime show, the school’s consortium of SoundCloud rappers, was devastated at the decision. However, all have refused to be interviewed by the Record. One responded to a request with “I’m on X-games mode. [An interview] isn’t good for my clout,” followed by several expletives.
said. While all members of the community hope that another movie will come along to help educate students about alcohol consumption, nobody is yet ready to think about what that might be. Keg Party is a tough act to follow, and whatever
the next movie is, holds the weight of molding the next generation of students, leaders, poorly trained actors, and sensible drinkers. According to an unnamed source in the administration, the school is currently in talks with Steven Spielberg to direct a new PSA, “Vape Party.”
Student protest after Keg Party is removed from health class Julia Robbins Staff Writer
All that could be heard echoing through the halls of the school this past week have been cries of “#RipLangston.” As the health class curriculum stops showing the iconic film “Keg Party” as part of its course, students can’t help but reflect on the film’s impact and cinematic value. For those who are unfamiliar with Keg Party’s academic and social significance, either because they aren’t yet in tenth grade or because they don’t appreciate fine culture, one former health class student summed up the movie perfectly. “Imagine that a less than fully sober high school student picked up a camera whose screen was for whatever reason entirely coated in dust, and the first thought that kid somehow had was: ‘what if I made a movie about the symptoms of dangerous intoxication with a bunch of my friends who refused to ever take an acting class,’” Flambé South said “Keg Party made me want to stop drinking, not from learning about the risks of intoxication, but because I will forever be concerned about how dumb I look drunk on camera,” Smiley Cyprus (10) said. But Lil’ Keggy P, an adoring nickname that students have started using for the film, is not only a tale about alcohol and parties, it is a story of character, and sometimes the lack thereof.
“I learned how to be a better brother from watching how David cared for his sister in the film,” Bud Weiser (10), belligerent athlete turned affectionate brother, said. For Corona Greygoose (11), the hairstyle and terrible acting of person was too distracting for her to take away anything positive from his character, she said. “In fact, I think that I’m now a worse sister than I used to be because I don’t ever want to duplicate the awkward efforts of person.” Trader seems to be an anomaly in this regard, as 99% of the students polled showed greater levels of empathy, conscientiousness, and of course, mullets, after watching Barrel Rager (another moniker for the movie). “Watching the different characters in the film, specifically Langston, make their way through the night, taught me more than I would ever like to know about human nature, love, loss, and asphyxiation,” Jack Daniels, scarred from the movie, said. For years, Keg Party has touched the lives of so many students and confused tour groups alike, so one can imagine the great extent of outrage that has enveloped the school community from the news that the film has run its course. “If there is anything that Horace Mann students can all agree on, it’s that watching Keg Party in tenth grade was a transformative part of our immediate post-pubescent intellectual growth,” Card Ybee (12)
Juli Moreira/ Art Director
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THE RECORD FAKE NEWS APRIL 5TH, 2019
Gym class heroes: behind the scenes Amelia Feiner Staff Writer ALEXA MARK (11) - THE DESTROYER
When she’s not delivering fire rebuttals at debate tournaments or writing powerful articles for a publication that shall not be named (The Review), one can find Alexa Mark (11) eviscerating her classmates in floor hockey, ultimate frisbee, touch football, and countless other activities under the watchful eye of Physical Education Teacher Matthew Russo as a threeseason gym student. Mark’s passion for physical education has been with her from a young age. “When I was a child I did sports,” she said. “I got a lot of participation trophies.” However, Russo believes that Mark is a fairly coordinated and athletic student. “The Horace Mann gym experience has helped me to improve my self confidence in the athletics and see myself as more of an athlete than I ever thought I would be,” Mark said. For example, Mark scored two touchdowns during her football unit this fall, she said. “She was very good at flag football,” Russo noted.
“Gym is just my favorite period of the day,” Mark said. “I love the active nature of gym so much.” Mark is especially fond of “that game with the kickball” and floor hockey. Although Mark was forced to take a trimester off of gym to complete her CPR requirements, she is happy to be back and cannot wait for another trimester of physical learning.
Juli Moreira/Art Director
SCHUYLER RABBINBIRNBAUM (12) - HANDBALL STAR
“I’d like to say that sports and I have maintained a close and loving friendship over the years,” three trimester gym student Schuyler Rabbin-Birnbaum said. “It’s complicated.” “He’s just a guy who gives a lot of effort and plays hard in all our games and enjoys his time in PE,” Russo said. Rabbin-Birnbaum is a devoted team handball player and loves playing in the PE tournaments. This year, RabbinBirnbaum went one for ten with his handball team. “That one victory defined my career at Horace Mann,” he said. “I don’t think we competed to win, I think we competed to compete,” Russo said about Rabbin-Birnbaum’s results in the tournament.
Birnbaum found it difficult to describe exactly why he loves handball so much. “You feel exhilarated. You’re throwing, you’re tossing, you’re catching, you’re receiving, you’re sharing with your teammates, you’re playmaking, you’re improvising, you’re running you’re also not running if you’re a goalie,” he said. Along with handball, Birnbaum loves spending time with his coach in gym. “Russo is really like a god figure to me,” he said. “He teaches me how to love the culture of PE and it’s really
Knitting addiction deemed community crisis Isabella Zhang Staff Writer
Knitting, initially introduced as a means of relaxation during Wellness Week, has become a dangerous addiction for the student body. The activity has taken over every corner of the school and become commonplace for students yearning to destress and let go of their responsibilities. The school first ordered knitting supplies for students for Wellness Week workshops that aimed to teach the craft to help students to relax, Director of Counseling and Guidance Dr. Ivanna FeelGood said. “We did not expect the entire student body to go bonkers over the idea,” said FeelGood. “Last year, only 10 to 20 people showed up to knit, and this year, it’s the whole school, except for the MUN kids.” During Wellness Week, knitting workshops boasted hundreds of participants each period, math teacher Chance Probability, who led a knitting workshop, said. Since the workshops, yarn bombings have filled every corner of the school, including pieces with no real purpose lining the railings of the Olshan staircase as well as sweaters and scarves that students create to look hipster and authentic, Lisa Randolph (10) said. Spanish teacher Julia Hidalgo first noticed the knitting obsession hit the classrooms when teaching her senior Spanish class during Wellness Week. “At first it did not bother me, because most of the students were paying attention,” Hidalgo said. “I thought it was just a tradition of the senior slump, but within days everyone – and I mean everyone – had a knitting kit in hand, and kids were falling asleep in class because they were so relaxed.” Knitting “dealers” have also become a phenomenon within the school, selling overpriced yarn and knitting needles to students who want to learn the craft in order to make a profit, Anna Rent (11) said. Hidalgo is waiting for the school’s administration to enact a solution to the craze, and rumors have arisen of
HMO and SOI classes committed to helping students understand and manage their knitting addictions, she said. “What really worries me are the kids who leave in the middle of class to knit in the bathrooms,” Hidalgo said. “It’s a cry for help.” However, the knitting craze has reached beyond the classroom and into the administration. The Head of School has not been seen since he attended a knitting workshop at Wellness Week, the Director of Public Safety said. The knitting craze has also followed students beyond the school campus. During the spring sport pre-season trip to Florida, coaches noticed that instead of tanning, the Boys’ and Girls’ Varsity Lacrosse Team sat together in a circle by the pool and knitted, Girls’ Varsity Lacrosse Coach Kara Penelope said. Students even stayed back from the Universal theme park to continue knitting their creations, she said. Students also knitted during the annual senior Paradise Island, Bahamas trip, Catherine Gomez (12) said. “I knitted all the time during spring break,” Gomez said. “Every morning when I got back to my hotel room after clubbing, I would need to knit a little to ‘de-stress’ myself, because of the thinking I’ve been doing when playing hard to get,” she said. Students have been knitting in the classrooms, in hallways, in lunch lines, and even in one on one meetings. “I mean, if the students don’t want to learn, why do I need to be here – can’t I just go home and knit?” a history teacher said. “It’s technically an old people thing, after all.” Isabella George (11) thought that knitting was really relaxing at first, but it soon developed into an addiction, she said. “It is not that I want to do this – it’s more about being an HM student who cannot help but finish everything to perfection that fuels my need to keep working on my piece and make it better,” she said. “Knitting has helped me to become a better version of myself,” Randolph said. “It’s not an addiction – it’s a religion, and it’s helped me to achieve true happiness.”
Courtesy of Jasmine Ortiz
NEEDLES AWAY Affected student knits obsessively at Wellness Week workshop in the hopes of relaxing.
made me a better human.” “He’s told me about his Thanksgiving spread and it sounds like a really nice outlet for him to channel his post PE energy,” he said. “Don’t let the physical educate you,” Birnbaum said. “You have to educate the physical.”
LEONORA GOGOS (11) - THE EVADER
“Every day I go to the gym B period, and I get to play games with a bunch of people I don’t really know. I hate
games,” Leonora Gogos (11) said. As a three-season gym student, Gogos has developed many ways to evade the games that she loathes so much, she said. For example, she has several strategies avoid kickball. “What I like to do is get a foul or get out,” Gogos said. “My preferred strategy is to get out. I’ll either bunt to the point where I do it a few times and then [the coach} is like ‘No, next,’ or I’ll kick it straight into somebody’s hands and then … I walk to the back of the line.” When Gogos plays other games, she frequently stands in the back on an angle so that her coach will not notice her. “Sometimes, I never have to go,” she said. During the fitness center rotation, she sits on the bike and pretends to steer the wheel, she said. “I developed a chlorine allergy when swim season came around so I never actually had to go into the pool or the building that the pool was in,” she said Russo noted that Gogos is frequently injured. Despite her lack of enthusiasm for gym, Gogos still loves her coach. “Russo is great because he doesn’t actually make us do things that are cruel and unusual punishment, like swimming,” she said. “Also, he brought us cupcakes in gym.”
Rachel Zhu/Contributing Artist
Varsity Couch Potatoes dominate the Ivy League Sam Keimweiss Staff Writer Spencer ‘channel-surfer’ Kahn’t (11) won this year’s award for Most Valuable Couch Potato, given annually to the school’s best athlete on the prestigious team. Kahn’t and his teammates on the Varsity Layabout Team, the Horace Mann Lay-ons, won the Ivy League Championships for the third year in a row, edging out Dalton and their star senior Henriette ‘donothing’ Johnson in a final that was astoundingly unexciting. Kahn’t’s signature move, in which he switches from one channel to another at carefully timed intervals, is what makes him such a powerful force on the team, teammate Angie ‘in a second’ Snoretez (11) said. “He really is the most important time waster on our team. Everyone agrees that he deserves the award.” Team captains Julia ‘snackstar’ Sloth (12) and James ‘beanbag chair’ Stuck (12) endorsed Kahn’t for the award before the athletics banquet
but made sure to acknowledge all of the students on the team for their hard work at hardly working. “Being at Horace Mann, we often feel a pressure to perform. Our team has done an exemplary job of avoiding work and enjoying food, and for that, we couldn’t be more grateful,” Sloth said. When Coach Potato Adam ‘sleepyhead’ Couchdin awarded Kahn’t, he thanked his team for their work and announced his retirement. “For the past eight years, I have urged my team every day to stay on their butts and make an effort to not make an effort. Now, it is time for me to follow my own example and retire to my couch. Thank you, Horace Mann, for your support, and thank you students for your sluggishness!” he said. Kahn’t was grateful for the award but, in true couch potato fashion, could not accept it, as he had decided not to attend the ceremony and instead rewatch “The Office” for the thirtieth time.