Volume 120, Issue 7 - Humor

Because we could all use a laugh...

Volume 220 Too many issues

The SK8

Brought to you from the future Record, circa 2122.

Horace Mann’s Premier Skate Publication for the 22nd Century

record.horacemann.org November 4th, 2122

School trashes The Record, thrashes with The SK8 Sker Boi Staff Writer After a century of fearlessly breaking school news such as “The assembly last week” and “That other assembly the week before that,” The Record has published its final issue.

It will be replaced by weekly newspaper The SK8, covering HMSK8, the only club that students do not join for college credit.

Led by former Record faculty advisor, The SK8 will bring back real reporting to the student body. “I’m all for journalism, but spending

Thursday nights in the StuPub for another year would have been my breaking point,” he said. “Now all I need is to change the core value to life of the grind and all my dreams will be fulfilled.”

The SK8 will report only the most consequential school news: kids who thrash. “We already have an issue in the works ranking the skaters in terms of ability, commitment to the club, and use of sarcasm,” the advisor said.

The Record’s disbandment was met by dismay among its editorial board. “What will I put on my

Regular Decision application now, when I shockingly don’t get into the ED school my college counselor strongly discouraged me from applying to?” the disgruntled Editor-In-Chief said.

The editors and staff writers are struggling to cope with the publication’s removal, Anty Soshul (12) said. “I’ve given up everything to be a news editor. What else am I supposed to do on Thursdays besides stress about the layout? My homework?”

Students on the top-secret-but-definitely-real interview-

Coun-sealing and Guidance embraces cuddly, furry initiative Ce-Seal-ia Jones Staff Writer

Starting this school year, the Counseling and Guidance department has a furry replacement: in lieu of trained psychologists, each student will receive a personal therapeutic robot seal to meet their mental health needs.

In the wake of Riverdale and Fieldston’s robotic backpack carriers and butterfly sanctuary, previous Head of Counseling and Guidance, now Head of Seal Studies Dr. Sealma Sand decided that students’ well-being required a more technological, personalized approach. “If these seals work on dementia patients, they can work on Horace Mann students.”

The primary purpose of robot seals is to alleviate depression and anxiety through the clinically-tested method

Sophia Liu/Procreator

of emanating extreme cuteness. “Seals can soothe students’ nerves, reassure them of their worth, and coo on command,” Sand said. “Our human counselors could only do two of the three.”

The seals will live in the Jeffrey A. Loria Aquatic Center, which will expand to accommodate the animatronic sea-dwellers. “We plan to triple the size of the pool and convert the surrounding area into a zen garden with mini meeting ponds for students to get one-on-one time with their seals,” Facilities Manager Timothy Seashell said.

This new plan has left Water Polo Coach Dave Swimmer furious. “Waterpolo is the only team at this school with any potential for success,” he said. “If they don’t take Four Acres, I’m going clubbing, and I don’t mean the fun kind.”

Despite causing the school’s sports rating on niche.com to drop from a B- to a D, matching its environmental rating, the seal initiative has received positive feedback, Sand said.

“Students complain that we spend too much time in HMO on the dangers of Halloween parties, and not enough time on the dangers of depression,” she said. “The seals take care of all that.”

The community has already begun to pick out names for the seals, spending countless hours in the art studio painting custom name tags for “Sealine Dion,” “Sea-lo Green,” and “Sealena Gomez,” amongst others.

“I can’t wait to get out of class to heal my mental health with a seal break,” Charlie Sealer (10) said. “Who needs professional psychological advice when you have cute baby seals?”

ee list are thankful for the change, Burn Tout (11) said. “I hate getting emails from freshmen asking me for an interview,” she said. “I read it and didn’t respond. Take the hint.”

UD teachers are also grateful for the shift, UD English teacher Dr. Greene Lite said. “I can’t stand when Record writers hand out the paper in class on Friday. It’s such a distraction from the real work of English: analyzing literature using Sigmund Freud’s mommy issues.” An anonymous student reported seeing Lite get into her car with a skateboarding helmet last Tuesday.

The student body greatly prefers The SK8 over The Record, Cawfee Adikt (11) said. “At least this publication has some positive news,” she said. “Why would I want to read about our Lions losing again?”

The SK8 is projected to be the most popular publication now that The Record is gone — not a high bar, given that the paper’s readership consisted of its own writers vying for leadership positions and… well, that’s about it.

Tuition hits $1M, zombie Mann harangues Trustees Max A. Million Staff Writer A putrefying and moldering Horace Mann rose from his Rhode Island grave and staggered 166 miles along the side of I-95 to burst into the Trustee’s meeting room and castigate the Board of Trustees after the school raised the tuition to one million dollars for the 2122-23 school year.

His rotting corpse lambasted the stunned c r o w d of 32 trustees.

“Re a l ly?

I mean, really?

A million dollars? And I thought sixty thousand was bad.

I spent my whole life d e d i c a t e d to education as a great equalizer, and this is how you honor my legacy?”

One board member commented, “It was trippy to see Horace Mann ‘in the flesh.’ But I gotta be honest — he smelled pretty funky.”

The Board defended their tuition hike by citing rising inflation, and sent Mann back to Providence in an Uber XL with a complimentary HM sweatshirt, mug, and umbrella.

In a later press release, the board explained their seven-figure fee by flaunting the school’s pricey initiatives.

Half the money will go towards increased security. “The only way to protect our students is to encase each one in bubble wrap,” Chair of Trustees Mann Made P’2134, 2136, 2140, 2142 said. Additionally, a giant moat surrounding campus has been constructed and filled with orcas. The t-shirt cannon has been converted into a real cannon to terminate potential assailants. Some of the increased tuition revenue will be spent on Helicopter escorts that arrive ever y 10-minViv ian utes to Co rac i/P f e r r y roc rea tor s tu d e nt s to the D u n k i n’ Donuts down the hill.

The remaining cash-money will fund a fleet of gourmet food trucks manned by celebrity chefs. Options include caviar on chicken tendies and foie gras mac and cheese. Facilities Management will also install Snapple fountains every 20 feet to meet students’ beverage needs.

When asked if there is an inherent contradiction between the school tuition and its astronomical tuition, Washed Uplum ‘97 was stunned speechless — but not for long. “Chill brah,” he said. “We did service learning.”

0101010

THE RECORD TOO SOON? NOVEMBER 4TH, 2122

Sue Shi seeks revenge

By Sophie Pietrzak and Vivian Coraci

Happiness club cures depression with empty calories Sam Siegel Photo Czar Firstly, we must address the elephant in the room. Yes, it is true that a bored/board member of the Happiness Club was found distributing snacks with “aggressive force.”

Allegedly, this outburst was the result of a poor test grade. The member only received an A (as opposed to an A+) on a quantum mechanics of poetry, mid-semester, take-home

quizzy-test.

He has been disciplined. You can now find him by the hover-Vober pickup zone, handing out individual M&M’s to any passerby. You are instructed to ask for a thousand M&M’s and wait for him to pick them out individually. Additionally, you are kindly asked to request all of one color (or a complicated ratio of colors). He will perpetually hand out snacks for the remainder of the week. We request that you not talk to him while he serves his sentence Sam Siegel/Photo Czar

for apparent sadness.

Dean of snacky-time-happiness Richel “Costco” Ralo, released an internal statement to his underlings — the Happiness Club. In the email, Ralo detailed a “culture of unhappiness emerging from the core of the so-called happiness club.” President of the Happiness Club (12) responded in a scathing email reply, “Ralo, we have as much happiness as humanly possible, some of us have been handing out snacks to sleep-deprived teenagers for years.”

The administration has alerted The Record (now The SK8) that, on a completely unrelated note, the Happiness Club Czar will stand outside of the student-faculty executive academic center, handing out individual M&M’s. For those that know this elusive man, him standing near the Academic Center is no surprise, but now you can request M&M’s while you wait to have your math or science questions answered.

The following week, Happiness Club Supreme Ruler was seen tak-

ing the E-stage in the whole-division E-assembly. During the assembly he (was handed a piece of paper by Ralo) decided of his own free will, to give a speech. Addressing the entire Upper E-Division, the Supreme Ruler stated that “any member or associated position of the Happiness Club could now visit the nurse during the WW-AA block in the schedule to receive a Botox injection to the face.”

The Ultimate Monarch of Happiness Club went on to state that the injections were to ensure the club members smiled better. The administration has called this decision “well supported” and “coming from the top of the hover chain.” Dean Ralo did not respond to requests for an interview, and it appears that Happiness Club High Emperor has gone into hiding. Sources suggest that he can potentially be found in the Record Stu Pub every Thursday night…

News in brief School constructs literal bubble to protect from climate change!

Rambunctious, drooly sixth grader discovered to be labradoodle!

C&G opens Lutnick office to better serve physics students’ posttest breakdowns!

Cancelled this week: too many to cover; check the website!

SAY CHEESE funny funny

Volume 120 No-Editorials Board Should be Emily Avani Khorana

Emily in Chief Emily Sun

Managing Emily Emily Salzhauer

TLDR Vidhatrie Keetha Ayesha Sen

One-man News Zachary Kurtz

Too opinionated Audrey Carbonell Sean Lee

Artsy Gorlies Hannah Katzke Allison Markman

reminiscing BM season Celine Kiriscioglu Rachel Baez

THE DEN Max Chasin

The ProCreators Amira Dossani Vivian Coraci Sophia Liu

Avani’s Minions Arin Rosen Alara Yilmaz Sophie Pietrzak

Mr. Mason Fan Club Ben Rafal Aryan Palla Jorge Orvananos

Would rather be at HMSk8 David Berenson

Photo Czar Sam Siegel

Online Emily Emily Grant

Record Rapscallions Staff Writers Ariella Frommer, Ava Lipsky, Clara Stevanovic, Erica Jiang, Etta Singer, Hanzhang Swen, Harper Rosenberg, Isabella Ciriello, Jorge Orvananos, Joshua Shuster, Kate Beckler, Lucy Peck, Maeve Goldman, Mira Bansal, Naomi Yaeger, Neeva Patel, Samantha Matays, Sofia Kim, Sophia Paley, Sophie Rukin, Spencer Kolker, Audrey O’Mary, Brody Grossman, Emily Wang, Jacqueline Shih, James Zaidman, Malachai Abbott, Nikita Pande, Oliver Konopko, Rena Salsberg Staff Photographers Nicole Au, Jorge Orvananos, Trish tran, Aanya Gupta, Jiwan Kim, James Zaidman, Emily Wang, David Aaron, Harper Rosenberg, Evan Contant Staff Artists Sam Stern, Dylan Leftt, Sammi Strasser, Kristy Xie, Addy Steinberg, Ishaan Iyengar, Sophie Li, Serena Bai, Kayden Hansong, Aashna Hari, Karla Moreira, Isabelle Kim, Christain Connor, Sam Gordon, Dani Brooks, Aimee Yang

THIS ISSUE WAS WRITTEN BY: Sophie Pierzak Ava Lipsky Isabella Ciriello Ariella Frommer Sean Lee Sophie Rukin Neeva Patel Vivian Coraci Emily Wang

Sam Siegel Diya Chawla Josh Shuster Harper Rosenberg Sofia Kim Oliver Konpko Naomi Yaeger Clara Stevanovic

8

THE RECORD HUZZAH!!!! NOVEMBER 4TH, 2122

Hot CoCo for the littlest lions! College Counseling expands to LD Tiger Mom Staff Writer In a drastic new step, the College Counseling (CoCo) office is opening up its doors to Lower Division (LD) students following anxious calls from parents to expand programming to start in kindergarten.

“The location change to the Lower Division was actually a strategic move on our part,” Head of College Counseling Lionel Forester said. “Now, Lower Division students and parents can easily access our office whenever they have an admissions-related question, even if it comes at the cost of Middle and Upper Division students getting lost on their way here.”

To accommodate an increased caseload, sixteen new college counselors have been poached from elite private and boarding schools across the country such as the University of Chicago Feeder High School and Bill Barr Academy.

“The CoCo office is the most well-funded department at HM, so I don’t see why we shouldn’t spread the wealth to Lower Division students as well,” Forester said. “We’re ensuring that only the best, brightest, and well-con-

nected minds are dealing with the new caseload.”

Kendall Puffman P’62, who applied his child to the Nursery Division for next year, recognizes the necessity of such an expansion. “The college admissions process is becoming harder every year, and especially with fewer colleges considering legacy admissions, I’m worried that me having attended a small college in New Haven won’t help my daughter get into said school,” he said.

CoCo’s expansion eased Puffman’s fears. “Now that I have a direct point of contact for any college-related questions starting in the LD, I’m less worried about her chances — this definitely makes HM’s tuition worth its money. I wouldn’t pay upwards of $600,000 per year for my child to stack blocks otherwise.”

Puffman looks forward to the day he can disdainfully disregard CoCo’s advice in favor of an outside college consultant that he already has on retainer.

He expects to finish his daughter’s resume and preliminary college list before she graduates from the LD. Forester believes that beginning the college process in the kindergarten will actually alleviate the workload of

Teachers rock the ‘gram Screen Ager Staff Writer

we have all this extra cheddar we thought would be well spent on the ‘grams,” he said through a pre-recorded hologram email.

Teachers have been getting creative with the way they use their holograms in class. Physical Education teacher Ath Letic uses the holograms to project a moving race track so that students think they are running, but they are actually just jogging in place. “Now, students get excited to go running instead of slow-walking with their AirPods like they normally do,” Letic said. (A study done by Science Research teacher Mito Kondria shows that student health has dropped since then.)

While holograms have allowed classes to be-

Sam Siegel/Photo Czar

DIAPERS, BINKIES, AND COCO! Mr. Bates welcomes toddlers to CoCo Crib. expected to attend a monthly meeting with their counselor to draft parts of the Common App, edit essay drafts, and assess whether their generational legacy will be enough to get them into selective schools. Eighth graders will research potential gap year alternatives when they don’t get into top 14 choices.

By the time students graduate from the MD, Forester expects them to finalize their lists and plan high school activities based on academic interest and ED/EA school major.

Ultimately, Forester predicts that the

come more innovative, teachers have begun to misuse their technological privileges, Dean of Faculty Techno Logee said.

When Arc Sine (12) wanted to meet her calculus teacher in person to courteously negotiate her mid semester grades, she had to watch a pre-recorded hologram statement instead. “He put his hand in my face, said ‘talk to the gram,’ and took off.”

Upper Division History teacher Ofdu Peepul also finds the “gramming” useful because she can prerecord pieces of advice for her meetings with students. “Basically my gram just nods slowly and repeats ‘well, what do you think about that,’” Peepul said. Since students

LD CoCo program’s success will encourage other private schools to replicate a similar process. “It’s all a great comparison, not a competition. We’re all in it to support each other, and building up that culture starting from the LD can only be beneficial,” Forester said.

“We considered starting in nursery,” Forester said. “But we didn’t want to stress them out too much. Let kids be kids.”

only met with her to boost their participation grade anyways, the holograms have not impeded their learning, she said.

The Record reached out to Kay for comment on the negative ramifications that holograms may have brought to the student body. Kay responded with a pre-recorded hologram GIF of him reciting the Core Values on repeat.

Students achieve best selves with biotracker chips Sleepda Prived Staff Writer

Starting this week, the administration mandates all students to undergo a highly invasive procedure that will insert the patented BioMann3000 chip at the base of their skull. “Just think of it like another booster,” the new Head of Biometrics Dr. Mann Date said.

Marking a new era of technology-enhanced learning, BioMann3000 will track 457 different metrics to optimize student performance and increase mental health by a guaranteed 98.4%, Date said.

Students will receive the implants upon entry into Olshan

Lobby on Friday, along with a maroon and white band-aid and, in true school fashion, a celebratory t-shirt saying “Go L101010NS!” Should any student fall below an Ain class, Bio-

Christian Connor/Staff Artist

Mann3000 will help them proactively tackle the problem by alerting their parents, teachers, and guidance counselors. If their grade tips

below a B-, BioMann3000 will employ the tried-and-true method of public shaming by projecting students’ GPA above their head in red hologram letters. Should it fall below a C-, BioMann3000 will initiate self-destruct protocol.

BioMann3000 will also help students manage stress levels. When their cortisol shoots past 25 mcg/dL, the tracker will diffuse adrenocorticotropic hormones into their bloodstream, with or without explicit consent. Potential side effects include irritability, increased appetite for tendies, diarrhea or constipation, and/or death.

The sleep tracker function in the BioMann3000 will report when and for how long students rest. “I slept literally two hours this whole week and I’m still ranked fifth in my grade,” Ty Erd (10) said. Students with the lowest sleep number get instant bragging rights.

The chip also boasts an atomic time

tracker function that calculates the total minutes spent cramming for assessments and groveling for club positions. Final times will be posted on the Cornstein Family Scoreboard at the end of the semester. Walter’s Hot Dogs will be provided to the top 10% of the student body.

Parents are encouraged to compare their children’s results. “I love BioMann3000. Now I know that when Johnny says he’s studying, he’s actually playing fantasy football. Guess we have to confiscate his Range Rover!”

Whit E. Prvlge P’82 said.

BioMann3000’s ultimate method of intervention in student behavior is a series of harmless-but-extremely-painful electric shocks in graduated, potentially-fatal increments.

Students will receive a shock if they: mindlessly scroll social media for over 10% of their waking hours, attend PE in jeans; refuse to sing the alma mater at full volume (including the high

note), ask teachers how they can “do better,” or inquire about a senior’s Early Decision school.

If a students’ endof-year stats fall short of Horace Mann Standards (see pages 14721495 of the Family Handbook for more details), they are sent to the school’s new Reflection Room, a silent empty white space to “reflect on their actions” and “lean into the discomfort.”

“The decision to install trackers was one of the best choices that school has ever made,” Date said. “It’s about time we started embodying our sixth core value: big data is watching.”

Sophie Pietrzak/Avani’s Minion

In a desperate attempt to make classes interesting for disengaged students, teachers have resorted to holograms, a new invention by Elon Musk’s fifth, and most valuable, son, 43#9k-AB Musk.

Last Monday, teachers received codes which, when entered into the school’s new MannGram app, will project holograms of themselves.

The holograms cost the school a total of 780.3 million dollars, a price that Head of School Tee Kay Jr. believes was appropriate, he said. “Now that our tuition is a cool million dollars a year,

college counselors come fall of senior year. “The college process is extremely lengthy and complicated, so splitting it up across grades and having kids learn about each part of the application quite thoroughly will make it more manageable for us in the long-term,” he said.

“Don’t worry — we still won’t finish reading seniors’ supplemental essays.”

During weekly workshops led by counselors that have replaced naptime, kindergarteners learn how to distinguish between research institutions and liberal arts schools. First graders will memorize each Ivy by name, color, and US News ranking. Second graders will learn how to form new clubs and publications to pad their resume, Third graders will take a break to focus on managing expectations and coping with disappointment. Fourth graders will get trained to butter up teachers for potential recs. Finally, fifth graders will build a foundational understanding of the Common App and the personal statement, mastering useful turns of phrase such as “interdisciplinary passions” and “community impact.”

Moving into the Middle Division (MD), sixth graders will tackle supplemental and college-specific essays.

During seventh grade, each student is

e

THE RECORD WE’RE ALL WINNERS HERE NOVEMBER 4TH, 2122

Bus safety video bids for Oscar nod with two-hour epic feature film Oscar Superselby IV Staff Writer This week, Managed Chaos unveiled a feature-length sequel to the notorious bus safety video in anticipation of this year’s award season. The epic production took six months and 140 million dollars to film and is projected to win Best Original Screenplay. “Trust us, it was worth every penny,” a Managed Chaos representative said.

The Record has obtained a top-secret transcript of the film for its loyal reader: At 3:15 p.m. on the dot, all windows shutter, projectors go dark, teachers fall silent. Students file out of their classroom in an orderly fashion, ready to embark on

the most treacherous part of their day: boarding the bus.

On school walls, the Core Values plaque reflects the severity of this process. ‘Life of the Mind’ has become ‘Silence.’ ‘Mature Behavior’? ‘Move Quickly and Don’t Talk.’ ‘Secure and Healthful Environment’ is the same — in all caps.

Guards stationed along the treacherous 10 feet from Olshan Lobby to Tibbet avenue sport neon vests and carry clipboards where they will write the names of naughty students. Their fingers are stuck to their lips in a gesture that means one thing: be quiet, or else.

From above 246th street, a private dispatch of US Army officers surveil the elite cadre of students, on the alert for any signs of disturbance. Next to them, Apple’s new-

ly released omniscient robots who boast superhuman strength, speed, and smarts, alongside laser eyes and jet propellers hover in the air.

At 3:24 p.m., seconds before the buses will depart, disaster strikes.

An innocent sixth grader, still unaccustomed to the newly imposed bus rules, opens his mouth. He turns to a friend. He utters the words that spell his doom. “So uh, which bus goes to Park and 79th?”

Alarms blare. Lights flash.

The robots plunge down, lift the screaming student up, and whisk him into the unknown. Students and teachers alike stare over in horror. The victim’s friend looks at the empty spot where he stood just seconds before, and recites the phrase that has been ingrained in her mind.

“Sorry, I can’t talk right now. I have to catch the bus.” Roll credits.

Ayden Ergin/Staff Artist

Football Lions end 182-year losing streak, finally bests Hackley FINAH LEE

Staff Writer

GUARD THE YARD Immortal Head of School Dr. Tom Kelly decked out in HM gear.

IN MERCH WE TRUST Mah Roone Staff Writer Last week, the School finished renovations on Fisher Hall, retiling the floors maroon and white and decking all of the cafeteria tables in patented HM garb.

The school now requires all clothes worn on campus to be in the color of maroon or white and sent complementary appliques with the HM logo out to every student, faculty, staff, and alumni.

“I can’t believe people back then used to wear anything but maroon and white,” Auburn Haye (9) said.

“It’s truly the best color combo. I bleed maroon and white. I also think I need to see a doctor.”

Upon entering the school, clothing and items not in the official school colors must be discarded in a large maroon bin, where they will be incinerated.

“We take our branding very seriously at this school,” Head of School Dr. Buhr Gundee said.

“What is a stronger display of our core values and mission statement than seeing the Horace Mann logo everywhere? We’re an indoctrinational — I mean, educational institution.

“How much did it cost? Probably more figures than in the word ‘burgundy,’” Spittin Facks (9) grumbled.

“Community and unity should be preserved at any cost,” Ghundee said when asked about the exorbitant budget dedicated to the renovations. Ghundee declined further comment on the matter.

The school now has an M-rated energy level, for maroon, and uses the incinerated items as fuel in the

cafeteria. It is also in the process of laser printing the school motto and core values on every penetrable surface.

Skywriter airplanes will be paid to fly over the school 24/7 spelling out “Horace Mann” in maroon and white smoke, regardless of the environmental impact. “I understand the environmental concerns, but our brand comes first,” Ghundee said.

Some students were not on board with the rebranding. “You spend eight hours in this place and

by G period, you forget what the color green looks like,” Nott Tuhapi (10) said.

Dissenters were swiftly and ruthlessly crushed.

Tuhapi was escorted off the campus in maroon and white handcuffs.

Some have forgotten the existence of other colors altogether. When the writer showed Mar Runin-White (9) a picture of green grass (outside the school, as Alumni Field has now been spray-painted a vibrant shade), Runin-White said she felt quite faint and asked to be led back to school grounds.

Student athletes cite the maroon-and-white astro turf as the primary reason for their current losing streak. Other reasons for their losses might include lack of coordination, stamina, skill, and grit.

School curriculum has changed to represent the new branding decision. “In my Drawing and Painting class, we learned about color theory,” Runin-White said. “I can safely say I understand the difference between burgundy and maroon now.”

“There are other colors?” Maurice Wong (6) asked.

The Varsity Football Team’s game against Hackley this week took a jaw-dropping turn: not only did the Lions win, but by a whopping 147-0.

“We totally crushed them. Hashtag football is life,” Varsity Football Team member Brad Bronco (11) said.

Because of this unexpected yet epic defeat of Hackley, the school has decided to reward the football team with brand new ultra-slimming uniforms (in a Horace Mann x Lululemon collaboration) and a 24k gold trophy that will be displayed in the middle of the Olshan Lobby for the next century.

“This trophy will not only signify the immense athletic talent of the football team, but prove that Horace Mann’s athletic department is, in fact, athletic,” Athletics Director Chad Stevenson said. “The athletic department has finally improved after centuries of defeat.”

Not all members of the school are as enthusiastic. Some students remain skeptical of Hackley’s defeat, considering the school’s Varsity Football team has placed last in the Ivy League for the past two centuries and never once beat Hackley.

Recent claims made by the Programming with Technology Club support this skepticism. “We were cornered in the locker

room by the football team members,” whistleblower Simon Nerdman (9) said. “They threatened to wipe the sweaty, hairy armpits on our faces if we did not build ‘some sweet nerd-device’ to help them win.”

Inspired by Newton’s 28th Law, the Programming with Technology Club members used a complex magnetic wave spectrometry field to attract the football to the ferromagnetic gloves the Lions’ receivers wore, Nerdman said. “I know it’s unethical, but I had no other choice. Armpits are nasty, especially theirs.”

Bronco refutes the Programming with Technology Clubs’ claims. “That is complete B.S. They’re just pissy because they don’t have superior athletic capabilities like me and my brahs. They should keep their mouths shut and go back to their nerd dungeon in the basement of Tilly.”

This win has made school history, Stevenson said. “In fact, I don’t think the uniforms and trophy display will be enough.” Next week, the athletic department will spend 75% of its annual funding on a parade and Mr. Softee for the Varsity Football Team.

“It’s not like we have something better to spend it on. Water polo can live without lifeguards for a couple of weeks,” Stevenson said. “It’s not like they don’t know how to swim.”

MAKING GRANDPA PROUD Football regains their MANNliness after last victory in 1903.