THE
memesonian
OFFICIAL STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF HUDSON VALLEY COMMUNITY COLLEGE Volume 71, Issue 8
APRIL FOOLS EDITION April 5th, 2017
www.thehudsonian.org
Trump declares The Hudsonian a credible source
THE
Hud.
By: Setodzi Avoke Junior Copy Editor
President Donald J. Trump has identified The Hudsonian as “unequaled” in it’s quality, and was declared as “real news.” In the course of their meeting aboard Air Force One, Trump and Editor-in-Chief Jenny Caulfield of The Hudsonian found common ground. Mutual recognition of degrading journalistic integrity across the media landscape, particularly regarding the tendency for other news organizations to report untruths and slanderous editorials about the president, led to the glowing endorsement found in some of the president’s recent tweets. On March 30 at 2:12 a.m., the president tweeted the first of several tweets in praise of The Hudsonian while insulting other news organizations noted for their criticism of the president: “Finished rereading an @ nytimes interview I was in from a few decades ago—just as unfair to me then as they are now.
They’ve been failing since their founding in 1851! It’s true! Meanwhile, @TheHudsonian has been strong since 1953!” “#CNN’s ratings are tanking! Writing FAKE NEWS for CROOKED HILLARY hasn’t paid off. SAD! #MSM is getting schlonged by a college paper @ TheHudsonian!” “Based on the incredibly inaccurate coverage and reporting of the record setting Trump campaign, we are hereby revoking the press credentials of the dishonest Washington Post and giving them to @TheHudsonian.” “We’re proud to have the president’s confidence backing our reporting,” said Caulfield, who regularly stresses the importance of impartiality, balance and accepting the official narrative without question to her staff. “Jenny and her staff are really doing something big there at The Hudson, said Trump. ”You’ve got these young people, and, it’s tremendous, they’re doing tremendous big league work, but nobody is talking about it. It’s ridiculous,” said Trump.
Amid questions concerning when exactly Trump will put to action his campaign promise to “open up libel laws,” Trump said that Caulfield and the The Hudsonian provide a “ready example” for other news media organizations to follow before he considers any executive orders that would address fake news. “Jen and her team—when you’ve got good people in the right place, they’ll—they’ll do good things, right?” said Trump. Trump feels that The Hudsonian are accurately reporting on the issues, and avoiding, “gotcha journalism.” “These are very good— smart kids, good genes, Hudson Valley Community College— and you know, if they were a four-year school, if they were a university, like, OK, if they were a private school, they would say they’re one of the best schools— it’s true!” Trump admitted to planning to attend Hudson Valley
GRAPHIC BY ISAAC KAUTZ | HUDSONIAN
OFFICIAL STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF HUDSON VALLEY COMMUNITY COLLEGE
THE
Hudsonian Trump offers his official endorsement to Editor-in-chief, Jenny Caulfield.
SEE TRUMP PAGE 2
Therapy memes introduced around campus By: Tea’ Claus Santa’s Writer College faculty plan to encourage meme-proliferation on campus in order to boost student morale as finals week approaches. English professor Ruby Myers developed the idea after talking with her students. “I’ve noticed that so many of my students love to talk about memes, and memes seem to be a good thing that they enjoy,” said Myers. “I thought it would be a good idea to post motivational memes all around campus. Finals
are coming up soon, so this might help keep morale up,” said Myers. Liberal arts major Ashley Bowan is incredibly happy with the plan to promote memes. “I eat, sleep and breathe memes,” said Brown. Brown is excited to see what memes will be posted on campus. “I’m just upset that the really good memes can’t be posted because they might not be considered school appropriate,” said Bowan. That hasn’t stopped students from posting some of their own around campus, in places like the
INSIDE NEWS:
College initiates new degree program PHOTO BY VINNY CROCE | HUDSONIAN
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Siek Campus Center. “I’ve seen some Dat Boi memes that have a motivational line on them, but the line was crossed out and replaced with something else,” said business major Shayne Cooper. “I really hope the new memes being posted are left alone,” he said. Psychology professor Michael Warren believes memes should help students as the semester comes to an end. “Students who enjoy a good meme will have an appreciation for what the college is trying to do here, but students that are diehard meme fans may be
INSIDE CREATIVE:
PHOTO BY DYLAN HAUGEN | HUDSONIAN
CREATIVE
Ryan believes people fail to understand the artistry behind memes. “All of these naysayers just have no appreciation for the true art form that is memes,” said Ryan. “I’ve put plenty of time into researching memes, and I’ve found that they have the perfect properties for simple humor that anyone may understand,” he said. Cooper and Ryan believe the memes will serve a deeply profound purpose on campus and the two would prefer that all students be respectful of the
SEE COLLEGE PAGE 6
INSIDE SPORTS:
Pepe speaks out over harassment on campus
PAGE
disappointed with the fact that there’ll be some memes we just can’t post,” said Warren. Although motivational memes have received support from many student and faculty members, some of the college community does not agree with the movement. Dental hygiene student Sarah Madison sees no appeal in memes or meme culture. “What does a frog on a bicycle have to do with humor? No one’s going to do better on their finals because of this - this seems like a waste of paper,” she said. Digital media major Sheldon
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Sports balls tired of being kicked around
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PHOTO BY VINNY CROCE | HUDSONIAN
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April 5, 2017
NEWS
Unforeseen candidate jumps in race for senate president
This Week’s Events
Wed 05
Thurs 06
Fri 07
Sat 08
Instant Admission Day 8:00 am – 6:00 pm Guenther Enrollment Services Center, Room 223 Recruiter on Campus: New York Army National Guard 10:00 am – 2:00 pm Siek Campus Center, First Floor Lobby Transfer Advisor Visit: University at Buffalo 10:00 am – 2:00 pm Siek Campus Center, Room 290 Financial Aid Information Session 6:00 pm – 8:00 pm Bulmer Telecommunications Center, Meeting Rooms 1 and 2 Evening Student Reception 7:00 pm – 8:00 pm Siek Campus Center, Second Floor Transfer Information Table: The Sage Colleges 9:00 am – 1:00 pm Siek Campus Center, first floor lobby Recruiter on Campus: Commission on Economic Opportunity 10:00 am – 2:00 pm Siek Campus Center, First Floor Lobby
GRAPHIC BY ISAAC KAUTZ | HUDSONIAN
By: Hunter Wallace Meme Writer Plank, a new Hudson Valley student, has announced his plans to run for president of Student Senate. Plank comes from a small neighborhood of closely-knit families. Many students support his decision to seek a position in Student Senate. “Plank is truly a standup guy,” said Johnny TwoByFour, construction major. “When I was younger, I used to have a lot of trouble making friends, and I really thought I would never make friends because everyone thought I was different and awkward, but Plank proved me wrong,” said TwoByFour. “He helped me branch out to others and stood by me every step of the way, and I’m so glad FROM PAGE ONE
TRUMP
after he graduated high school. “[I] Went to Wharton, Hudson Valley was my first choice, but I couldn’t get in, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—but the truth is powerful,”
that he wishes to change others’ lives as he has changed mine,” he said. “I think Plank is the perfect candidate for president of Student Senate,” Deb Nazz, a respiratory care major. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who was more calm, collected and nonjudgmental, so it’s really not too surprising that he’s running for this position,” she said. Plank also has experience in criminal justice. Throughout his childhood, he has witnessed innumerable acts of crime, many of which resulted in failure. Individual studies major Tommy Eddy used to create scams to make money. “I was caught more often than not, and Plank was there every single time, watching me with that eternal smile of his,”
said Eddy. Biological science major, Stuart Edd, found companionship in local troublemakers, and was able to witness Plank dealing with legal matters with a steady attitude. “I cannot remember how many times the three of us attempted to scam the other neighborhood kids, just so we could buy jawbreakers from the local candy store,” said Edd. “In retrospect, we must have looked pretty stupid, and I’m sure that’s exactly what Plank was thinking each time he watched us fail,” he said. “I was a bad boy growing up. Every time Eddy thought of a crazy scheme, I just followed him, like a mindless zombie, and felt bad when were caught. Plank was there every time, staring at us with that unchanging facial
said Trump. “J explained that to me many minutes ago, the power, that was 35 minutes ago; she would explain the power of good journalism and she was right—who would have thought?” Caulfield is focusing on The Hudsonian’s future after being
given press credentials that allow the weekly paper to attend announcements made in the White House’s James S. Brady Press Briefing Room. “The Hudsonian is very proud to be the first college paper in U.S. history to receive press credentials,” said Caulfield.
A new student, Plank, plans to make huge reforms as part of Student Senate.
expression,” said Isaac Ed, a physical education studies major. Students can expect to see Plank officially run against opposing candidates Jimmy and Rolf in the coming months.
Although Caulfield and her staff feel “up to the task,” they’ll still need to conclude budget negotiations with Student Senate and campus administration.
GRAPHIC BY VINNY CROCE | HUDSONIAN
Spring Sports Challenge 12:00 pm – 1:00 pm Siek Campus Center Lobby Transfer Advisor Visit: University at Albany 9:00 am – 2:00 pm Siek Campus Center, Room 290 Country Folk Art Craft Show 5:00 pm – 9:00 pm McDonough Sports Complex NYC Day Trip Country Folk Art Craft Show 5:00 pm – 9:00 pm McDonough Sports Complex
Weather WEDNESDAY
President Donald J. Trump has expressed gratitude for what The Hudsonian does for the public.
THURSDAY
High/Low 59/40
The Hudsonian Hudson Valley Community College 80 Vandenburgh Ave. Troy, NY 12180 Phone: 518-629-7568 Email: hudsonian@hvcc.edu Editorial Policy All views expressed in this paper are those of the author, and not necessarily those of the The Hudsonian or the College.
High/Low 48/42
Editor-in-Chief Jenny Caulfield Managing Editor Mikey Bryant Business Manager Tyler Betzwieser Copy Editor Shelby Collins Layout Editor Isabella Kokoszko News Editor Anthony O’Connell Marketing Manager Kenzie Hickok
FRIDAY High/Low 48/37
Creative Editor Julio Rodriguez Sports Editor Skylar Blankenship Photo Editor Vinny Croce Junior Editors Setodzi Avoke Dylan Haugen Michael Schaefer Staff Photographers Fernando Carbarllo Tea’ Claus
SATURDAY High/Low 50/38
Zoe Deno Issac Kautz Michael Schaefer Staff Writers Setodzi Avoke Tea’ Claus Zoe Deno Hunter Wallace Faculty Adviser Rachel Bornn
SUNDAY High/Low 57/37
Letters to the Editor Letters can be delivered to CTR 291 or emailed to hudsonian@ hvcc.edu. Readers may have their letters published anonymously as long as their identity can be verified. Letters will be edited for grammar, style, libel and length.
MONDAY High/Low 66/48
The Hudsonian is the exclusive student newspaper of Hudson Valley Community College. It is published every week. To join The Hudsonian, attend our weekly meeting on Mondays at 2 p.m. in ADM 107.
April 5, 2017
NEWS
3
New vending machines will know you better than you know yourself
GRAPHIC BY ISAAC KAUTZ | HUDSONIAN
By: Setodzi Avoke Junior Copy Editor Vending machines equipped with facial recognition software are set to replace all current models on campus. Hudson Valley received a $25 million grant from an organization to make the software. The new machines will be connected to a central database that collects and analyzes user data. Once enough information is collected, predictive models determine when an order for a new shipment of goods should be forwarded to suppliers based off of the wants of individual customers. “The new machines have
really been transformative as far as my office goes,” said Vice President of Vending Machines John Freemont. “Although our department has been around since the school’s founding in 1953, we honestly haven’t had much to do in the last 64 years,” said Freemont. “We’ve gotten more service requests and inquiries in the last week than at any other other point of our department’s
existence and unlike complaints about jammed machines, these can’t be ignored as easily,” said Freemont. Prior to the complete rollout of the new technology on campus, some students have had an opportunity to try test models located in the Siek Campus Center. “It was really weird at first,” said fine arts major Jim Forrestal. “By the third time I used the machine, it already had the
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pretzels that I bought each time before queued for selection. When I tried to trick the programming by getting something else, it already knew me well enough to predict that I’d actually be grabbing cookies. It’s insane,” said Forrestal. “I feel like I’ve finally found something that understands me,” said criminal justice major Ara Najarian.
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“These machines are great listeners and they always know exactly how I’m feeling and what I want,” said Najarian. “They’re strong, dependable and although they seem cold on the outside, there’s a warmth and tenderness to find if you know just where to look,” she said. Campus wide replacement is expected to be complete by April 14.
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April 5, 2017
NEWS
Students overthrow the math department By: Shelby Collins Grammar Police The termination of all mathematics courses will go into effect on April 1 following a student rebellion. On March 25, students rebelled against all mathematics professors on and off campus. Several professors were brought to the hospital due to injuries, while those that taught online courses were placed under police protection. “Students utilized pets and obedient creatures in their up-
rising,” said Officer Sirius Black, one of the first responders from Troy Police Department. When asked to elaborate, it was revealed that students forced professors to cancel classes and hide in their offices as creatures attacked the campus. “It was horrific. We barricaded the door that leads into the offices with textbooks. It was barely enough to hold off the owls,” said professor Draco Malfoy, who was visibly shaken by the event. An estimated 300 owls descended on Bulmer Telecommunications Center around
12 p.m., accompanied by three dragons and a dozen or so house elves. Professors and department chairpeople were able to protect themselves in their offices, and authorities soon arrived. Leader of the rebellion and former liberal arts, math, and science major Hermione Granger said, “We have put an end to the insanity. Numbers and letters do not belong in the same curriculum. Students were speaking in binary—it was the beginning of the end.” Universities from around the area rallied in support of
the mathematics rebellion. “I think it’s fantastic. Math is such a man-made construct anyway, it’s not like we actually need it for anything,” said UAlbany fine arts major Peter Pettigrew. “Math ruined my life. I was dreaming of numbers and equations. They wouldn’t get out of my head. The doctors—they used shock therapy at the Math and Meth Addict’s Rehabilitation Center after my first semester of calculus at Hudson Valley,” said engineering major Ron Weasley. “We’re concerned for the safety of all professors in the
region. Things like this tend to spread. We’ve increased law enforcement presence on all college campuses throughout the Capital Region,” said Black. Students at Hudson Valley will receive full credit for the terminated mathematics courses this semester. Beginning next semester, all mathematics requirements will be replaced with memetics requirements and a minimum of 12 credits will be required for all liberal arts programs.
Want to pursue memes as a career? Start at Hudson Valley! By: Ya Boi Hool Meme Prince Prospective students can look forward to a new Associate of Arts in Memetics coming to Hudson Valley Community College during the 2017-18 academic year. College officials decided to adopt the degree program after heightened interest and pressure to introduce memes into the curriculum. Some new classes include; Pedagogy of Memetics, Intro to the Rare Pepe, History of the Meme, Environmental Memes, Meme Culture, The Doggo Kingdom and Advanced Memetics. “I think that the new degree
PHOTO BY VINNY CROCE | HUDSONIAN
is a progressive and revolutionary program. I’m glad that Hudson Valley is keeping up with the times,” said individual studies student Zelda Rodriguez. Rodriguez plans on taking some classes to broaden her knowledge of memes. “I know enough from the internet, but it would give me an upper hand to learn from a professional in the field. I’m looking forward to the classes that will be open to students next semester,” said Rodriguez. Other students, such as marketing student Laquesha Sharice, believe a meme degree would not be the best investment. “I do not condone a meme degree. I cannot support the
PHOTO BY VINNY CROCE | HUDSONIAN
Hudson Valley’s newest degree, Memology, is very popular among students.
degree until further research has been conducted on the job market,” said Sharice. The degree will require completion of 69 credits. Students in the program are also required to complete a broad selection of liberal arts courses. The newly introduced courses can be completed by students outside of the program, however, transferring the credits will likely be impossible. Fine arts student Aaron Fox plans to pursue the Memetics degree next semester. Fox has plans to pursue a career in the production of professional memes. “Memes changed my life. A few years ago, I was in a dark place. Memes helped me get out
of that depression, and I want to share them with others as much as possible,” said Fox. Physical sciences student Robert Ross decided to amend his career aspirations after learning about the new degree program. “I’m going to switch majors to pursue the Memetics degree next year,” said Ross. “I consider myself a connoisseur of memes.” Students have shared concerns with the proposed degree program. “When I first caught wind of the degree I thought it was a joke. I was really shocked, but I understand why it’s being introduced. Memes are everywhere nowadays,” said physical education
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student Dick Livingston. Underwater basket weaving student Chanandler Bong believes the new degree program will benefit the diverse student body at Hudson Valley. “I love memes. Who needs motivation when you have memes,” said Bong. Marketing student Dylan Boogan believes the degree program will provide students with happiness and inspiration. Boogan said, “Memes and I share a very special bond. They carry me through every day and make me smile. They make me feel like they are made just for me.”
April 5, 2017
NEWS
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New professor stuns students GRAPHIC BY MICHAEL SCHAEFER | HUDSONIAN
By: Hunter Wallace Meme Writer Students are unhappy with Hudson Valley’s newest liberal arts professor. Julian Downs, professor of the new course elective basket weaving theory, is facing fierce criticism from students taking the class. According to various students, Downs is unconcerned with moving the class forward. “Professor Downs seemed like a cool guy when the semester started, but I quickly realized he doesn’t care about teaching actual content,” said Joe Shot, an individual studies major. “I knew something was up when Professor Downs took an entire week to review the syllabus
and class procedures,” said Biff Tango, a liberal arts major. Downs has allegedly spent more time reflecting on his life than teaching his students. For fine arts students Kelly McNab and Gloria Day, the shortage of class content has led to unsettling consequences. “I took this class to learn to craft baskets, but instead I learned unnecessary facts about my professor’s personal life,” said McNab. According to McNab, Professor Downs does not wear deodorant. “Downs once told us that he never uses deodorant because he feels it’s ‘unnatural.’ I’ve had nightmares every night since then,” said McNab. Professor Downs also tells personal stories about his family
and diet. “I love a good story as much as the next girl, but I thought I’d be creating beautiful baskets, not hearing a middle-aged man explain how his daughter had her zits surgically removed—and then later showing us the video,” said Day. “After seeing that, I just cannot look at someone with acne without feeling faint,” said Day. Despite mounting student disapproval, there are some who favor Downs and his teaching methods. Digital media student Kip Dab likes Professor Downs and his stories. “I feel that the whole basket weaving concept is a metaphor for making choices that shape a perfect life,” he said. “Professor Downs teaches
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more than just basket weaving,” said criminal justice student Dude Eiser. “Through his lengthy reflections on life, one can truly learn to appreciate life as a whole, rather than a simple existence,” he said. Downs responded to his student’s concerns regarding his teaching methods. “I consider myself not only a mere professor, but an advocate of enlightenment as well,” said Downs. “Sure, some may see my prolonged lectures on my past life experiences as boring and unnecessary, but I consider them to be insightful considerations. Yes, the class is about weaving baskets, but I like to review all my instructions with students in depth and speak of my past because I feel it provides wisdom
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to them.” The number of students taking Downs’ class fluctuates, but he is confident that students who reach the end will gain knowledge necessary for weaving success. “Students that take basket weaving theory may not gain the knowledge or skills needed for their desired careers, but they will gain a working understanding of how to craft elegant baskets and improve their understanding of life overall,” said Downs. Downs continued, “In all honestly, if students wish to expand their consciences and develop an open mind, then this is the best course available, and it is my sincere hope that this is understood.”
April 5, 2017
CREATIVE
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Pepe speaks out over harassment on campus By: Jenny Caulfield Meme-in-Chief Stereotyping has led to an amphibian Hudson Valley student facing harassment on campus. “The worst part was being hanged so much,” said Pepe on the attacks. Pepe has experienced a variety of different personal attacks since he started at Hudson Valley in the fall. “Students always come up to me assuming that I’m going to be racist, but that’s not who I really am,” he said. Pepe caught wind of the new memetics program in the fall with hopes of furthering his education regarding his heritage at Hudson Valley. “I think it’s important to know about who you are and where you’re from, and the program has a lot to teach me about my culture,” he said. Since arriving on campus, Pepe has experienced forms of harassment verbally and physi-
By: Zoey Deano Conspirancy Writer
cally. Pepe was recently lynched by a group of unidentified students who left him hanging for hours. “It was hours until someone came looking for me to help me,” he said. “I couldn’t remember the last time I cried for so long in a dark room.” Students have yelled a variety of slurs at Pepe when they see him, and even defaced school property to do so. “Someone carved my face into a table next to the Administration building,” said Pepe. “It has horrible things carved next to my face like, ‘nazi frog’, ‘not rare’ and ‘shitty meme’.” Public Safety are now providing Pepe an escort from class to class to ensure his safety on campus. According to Pepe, the allegations of him being a white supremacist started during the presidential election. “Hillary Clinton said I was a symbol associated with white supremacy while trying to attack Donald Trump,” said Pepe.
Pepe has been described as emblematic of white supremacy, racism, bigotry nazism and the alt-right according to Hillary Clinton’s campaign website. Since she released these statements, Pepe has felt under attack by the general public. “I can’t change what she said about me. I can only hope that people don’t think that what she said is true,” he said. Despite the escort on campus, Pepe still feels his reputation is soiled. “If I have learned anything this year, it is that once you are accused of something, you are immediately guilty,” said Pepe. “There is no proof that I am a white supremacist, and I never have been. Despite this, Pepe hopes to continue with his studies ignoring comments from other students. Pepe said, “People say horrible things about me all the time. Feels bad, man.”
PHOTO BY VINNY CROCE | THE HUDSONIAN
Pepe remains resilient amidst the multitude of backlash from others.
FROM PAGE ONE
COLLEGE movement. “I’m all for the memes, as long as [the memes] have a good affect on students,” said Cooper. Ryan believes you should ignore the memes if you dislike them. ”Don’t ruin all the fun for those who really enjoy seeing the memes,” said Ryan.
The memes are expected to be up from the first week of April until the last week of finals. Students can request at Student Activities that their favorite meme be posted in the campus center, and faculty have been instructed to accommodate requests.
WikiLeaks releases Hudson Valley’s secrets
Students and faculty are still recovering from shock after WikiLeaks’ release of sensitive Hudson Valley emails containing the truths behind campus’ conspiracy theories. McDonough never died, and he helped get Bruno’s charges dropped. County legislature chairman, Edward McDonough, was charged with corruption after he helped to raise the funds for the McDonough Sports Complex. Over the course of 15 years, McDonough made roughly $640,000 in an insurance kickback scheme. He was sentenced to 51 months in prison, but was later released because of failing health. McDonough was reported to have died in 2010 at the age of 79, however information received from the Wikileaks would suggest otherwise. An email from Joseph Bruno to McDonough was discovered, dated December of 2011. Joseph Bruno was a prominent member of the New York State Senate and Hudson Valley donor until he was convicted of two counts of mail and wire fraud. He was acquitted, however
as a result of the scandal he was forced into retirement. The email reveals Bruno gave McDonough $100,000 to make his felony charges disappear. McDonough was able to pull enough strings to get the charges dropped but did nothing to save Bruno’s reputation which angered Bruno. Communications became heated until threats were being exchanged. McDonough faked his death and moved to Cuba with a new identity and new hopes for a political career. Hudson Valley’s faulty technology is a social experiment. Although Hudson Valley, typically, only receives money from the state government, last year it received additional money from the federal government to conduct a social experiment. The CIA was looking to gather information on how humans respond and adapt to unsatisfactory experiences with technology. Hudson Valley is being paid to use blackboard in addition to keeping the wifi slow. The experiment is scheduled to run for three more years, though emails reveal that CIA officials aren’t happy about the results.
“While the subjects show an eagerness to use different teaching methods and websites, they still have little patience for the slow wifi,” said project supervisor, John Carr in an email. According to Carr’s leaked communications, there have been numerous outbursts of frustration from students who procrastinated on completing homework and had the wifi buffer on them. “They aren’t learning from their past mistakes—to manage time better, if they don’t do that then the experiment will be a failure,” said Carr. The Mortuary Science Program is dumping ashes on campus and killing the grass. The island of grass between the Campus Center and Administration Building is often barren despite the administration’s attempts to replant it. This is often attributed to the island’s popularity as a touch football field. According to leaked documents, the Mortuary Science program’s former disaccreditation was due having been caught dumping the ashes of corpses on school property. In spring of 2016, the program stopped cremating bodies long enough to become re-accredited only to fall
back into their habits. Engineering science major Ling Choo said he was on campus one night and witnessed the ashes being dumped as he exited the campus center. “I kind of thought I was seeing a cultic ceremony, but the premise was ludicrous to even think until the wind picked up and I got a faceful of ash,” said Choo. “Then knew it was some sort of a cultish behavior.” An email leaked from the head of the Mortuary Science program explains the reasoning behind the cremation and the dumping of the ashes. It read, “The mortuary
science program attracts a particular crowd of students and every so often we have problems. Those problems require cadaver disposal. Getting rid of a corpse with friends is a bonding experience like no other, and we want to encourage human interaction between our student.” “Transportation is difficult for a lot of students, so for their convenience, we do it on campus,” wrote the head of the mortuary science program. The leaks led to some discussion about whether the mortuary science department should be disaccredited again. PHOTO BY ZOE DENO | HUDSONIAN
Hudson Valley Community College has been affected by a massive WikiLeaks breach.
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CREATIVE SPORTS
April 5, 5, 2017 2017 April
77
Natural swimmer leads first-year team into new waters By: Bob Malooga Big Man On Campus The Viking Women’s Swim Team dives into their inaugural season next fall hopeful of winning a championship. With the help of one distinctive freshman athlete, they are expected to be decorating the newly constructed Matonak Aquatics Facility with 2018’s National Title trophy. “It will be a year of exciting firsts,” newly hired Head Coach Janice Miller said about the upcoming season. “It’s the first time for Hudson Valley to have a pool, and the first time for us to compete with a swim team,” said Miller. “It’s also the first time the NJCAA will see the unique athletic ability of someone like Aquaria.” Aquaria Seawyd is the swimmer that most of the nation will be watching next fall. Seawyd is a biology major, part-time tutor, captain of the swim team and a mermaid. “For most of my life I tried to hide it,” said Seawyd. “I didn’t want anyone to call me a freak, but then I found my teammates, and I was able to relax in the water, be confident with who I am and find success,” said Seawyd. “It can be hard to be different,” she said. “But sometimes it’s great to be different.”
That difference is exactly why Seawyd and the Viking swim team are expected to find unprecedented success in the upcoming season. “Because she is a mermaid, she is a strong swimmer,” said Miller. “Actually, she is a really strong swimmer,” Miller added. Despite her talent, however, Seawyd has never competed in any officially sanctioned swim competition. This season will be a first for her. She stayed out of competition because of fear about how others would react to her being a mermaid, but after just five weeks on the team, she is already setting records. In practices this spring she posted unofficial NJCAA records in eight individual events including the 100, 200 and 1000 yard freestyle, the 50, 100 and 200 yard butterfly and the 50 and 100 yard breaststroke, all events she will compete in next fall. Seawyd also plans to compete in the 200 and 400 yard freestyle relays and the 200 and 400 yard medley relays. “Sure, she is an unbelievable athlete, but she is also a super teammate and a really kind person,” said Stephanie Shipman, sophomore member of the team. “I think her life circumstance has made her strong and patient, which benefits her competitive attitude and makes her a good
friend,” said Tara Fisher, another teammate Seawyd’s. “I hope she breaks all the records.” Coach Miller agrees with her team and shares the same hopes for the upcoming season. “It can usually take two or three seasons to really get a program up to a competitive level, but we think we will be there already, especially with the addition of Aquaria to our team,” said Miller. “We were all surprised at first, but she’s a great kid, student, and a leader. We are expecting big things,” Miller added. Yet along with the positivity on her team and anticipation in the swim community, there is also controversy. “Some people think she has an unfair advantage being a mermaid,” Miller said, speaking about the eligibility complaints filed by 127 other schools. “The NJCAA ruled that she meets all the requirements to compete,” Miller said. The NJCAA cleared Seawyd to compete and wrote an official statement last week which stated, “Seawyd’s situation is certainly unique, but after serious deliberation, we have determined that to disallow Seawyd’s participation would be a violation of anti-discrimination laws.” “Some people think Michael Phelps has an unfair advantage because he is so tall and his arms
are so long,” said Seawyd. “But that is just the way he was born, and it’s the same for me,” she said. “I have a distinct physical attribute that helps me compete,” she said. “I’m not cheating like taking steroids; this is just the way I am.” The nation will get to see exactly who she is this fall. The team, along with Seawyd, have their first competition scheduled to be held at the Matonak Aquatics Facility Oct. 3, 2017. It will be nationally televised, another first
for the college. Looking ahead to that first competition, Seawyd said she was already feeling nervous because of all the pressure and controversy surrounding her swimming, but that records and championships weren’t her focus. “Most important is that I have finally been able to embrace my uniqueness,” Seawyd said. “For the first time, I will be a proud mermaid,” she said. “It feels so good to finally admit it.”
GRAPHIC BY FERNANDO CABARLLO| THE HUDSONIAN
Hudson Valley’s swim team looks to start strong as the new program is initiated.
Vikings become the Field Mice By: Shelby Collins Grammar Police Hudson Valley will be adopting the field mouse as their mascot for the 2017-2018 academic year. “The college felt that a ‘Viking’ was a misrepresentation of the athletic ability and overall interest in athletics of our students,” said interim executive director of communications and marketing, Kevin Elmo. “In general, however, a field mouse was deemed a much more fitting creature to represent Hudson Valley,” said Elmo. Most students supported the change in mascot. Many described a field mouse as “cute.” An otter, guinea pig and fossa were also recommended as potential mascots by students. Individual studies major John Smith said,
“Field mice are exactly what we are, especially with the loss of the hockey team. Everyone’s just running around trying to avoid confrontation with the big predators.” Other students were not as supportive of the change. James BigBird, an ornithology major, said, “Field mice are creepy. All they do is scurry around. We don’t move fast enough to be field mice.” Basketball coach Ernie Long said, “Well maybe it’ll get those track runners to move faster; give my guys something to keep up with. The ‘Viking’ image was getting old anyway. It was about time for me to retire my hat with the horns.” “At least we get to go out with the image. I’m sure the guys aren’t disappointed being the last generation of Vikings at Hudson Valley,” said Grover Jacobson, former assistant coach of the
men’s ice hockey team. Leslie Cadabby, interim executive director of the Faculty Student Association, said the change is temporary. “If we can improve next year’s scores, the mascot will be reviewed and an official mascot will be chosen. However, we will not be returning to the Viking due to self-image issues among our faculty—it’s too much to live up to.” Daniel Mus, a biology major, will be the man behind the mask of Hudson Valley’s new mascot. “I’m honored to have such an opportunity. I’ve always wondered what being a mouse would be like, and now I get to be one and entertain dozens of people,” he said. Auditions for potential permanent mascots will be held on June 3. Students are invited to dress up as any animal or famous figure and perform in front of the
Mascot-Board at Bruno Stadium. Students must sign up by May 12 at Student Activities, located on the second level of the campus center. All mascots must be approved by the Student Senate
for appropriateness prior to the deadline. Although the official criteria for “appropriateness” have yet to be released, they are expected to be fairly liberal, according to anonymous inside sources.
GRAPHIC BY VINNY CROCE | THE HUDSONIAN
The Field Mice are ready to scurry to victory this spring.
THEHUDSONIAN.ORG
April 5, 2017
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Sports balls tired of being kicked around By: Zoe Deano Meme Writer Balls used for sports on campus are tired of being kicked and thrown around. Psychic student Destiny Walsh provides insight into the thoughts of the Hudson Valley Athletics Department’s balls. According to human services major and clairvoyant Destiny Walsh, Walsh has been blessed with the gift of being able to communicate with inanimate objects. The balls have been trying to “communicate” with her, and want to be heard. “College is about following your dreams if you are a human,” Walsh interpreted for a soccer ball. “If you are an object college is about just being used to help the humans achieve their goal,” said the soccer ball. The soccer ball says it actually hates soccer. It enjoys ballet and dreams about being chosen to perform for the Bolshoi Ballet. “No one cares about my dreams,” said the soccer ball.
“Ever since I was a pile of rubber I wanted to be a ballerina. It hurts knowing that I will waste away here without ever achieving my dreams.” A softball, who wishes to be referred to as “Tedward,” actually enjoys its use for the game. “I’m really into being hit by attractive college students with a bat, I just wish I had a little more variety in my life,” Walsh interpreted for Tedward. The softball often wonders why it can’t be used to play soccer or lacrosse. “So what if I’m not built for it? I’ve seen plenty of players in shorts they clearly weren’t built for,” Tedward said. A tennis ball also has plans to take over the world and enslave humanity. The ball hates how people, “repetitively beat it with a paddle and feed it to dogs.” “My life is miserable because of humans, every time I feel their sticky little homo sapien fingers curling around me, I pray to the tennis gods that they lose me and I’m left to rot in a field some-
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Balls on campus, surprisingly, have a lot to say.
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where,” said the tennis ball. “I think other balls are unhappy because the sport they are made for sucks. Football is really the only sport that’s worth following,” Walsh interpreted for a football. “There’s a reason my sport is the most popular in the entire world,” said the football. The football said it has made amazing friends with the players and it enjoys being the “fundamental aspect” of victory for the team. The football says that sometimes it even deflates itself for the team before a game. “Being able to express yourself through words is a gift that a lot of people take for granted, inanimate objects can’t do that,” said Walsh. “They are trapped within themselves and are generally forced to deal with all of their emotions internally.” Walsh said, “the next time you kick a ball thank it, ask it about its day and make it feel important. You don’t know it’s struggles, so help it find some solace in your kindness.”
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