WEEK IN ASTROLOGY

Week in Astr logy

Anyone who knows me knows two fundamental things about me: I hate boundaries, and I LOVE astrology. Also, I didn’t have a lot of time this week because I’m in this stupid fight with my crazy mother-in-law (see next week’s Week in Review: Am I the Asshole for Plotting the Murder of My Husband?). So we’re doing a horoscope!

Aries

As the ram sign, you have a heart of gold and hooves for feet. Usually, your lack of patience (and toes) gets you in trouble, but this week, try to lean into your impulsive nature. Go on adventures! Stop taking your prescribed medications! Flirt with your professor!

Taurus

You’re probably a thirty-year-old man who listens to Dave Matthews

Band, in which case, hit me up! I have a big forehead and a bigger personality. Let’s do whippits and watch Say Yes to the Dress together! I like Randy.

Gemini

Hey there all you intrusive thots!!! Gemini, you’re CRAZY in the best way. You’re my type of girlie: you love going to the movies, you NEV-

ER say no to a dental checkup, and you kick animals when no one’s looking. This week, all your fingernails will fall out!

Cancer

You’re a milf from Long Island with a psychosexual relationship with your daughter’s boyfriend. You call it “St. Paddy’s Day.” You are a mountain surrounded by mere grains of sand; a whale in a sea of protozoa. You knew this day would come. The world is a plum in your hand. Swallow it whole.

Leo

Eat shit!

Virgo

You give great advice, buuuuuttttt you’re also bisexual. Let’s change that! As a Virgo, you’re super analytical, to the point that you have a hard time making choices. This next week will be especially difficult; on Monday you have your clarinet recital, and on Tuesday you’ll be forced to choose between Abnegation and Dauntless. Family vs. individuality? Yikes!

Libra

And on the fourth day, God said, “Let there be mid!” and that’s how

Libras happened. Your vibe screams “I will be reincarnated as a lamp,” queen! You’re an introvert who needs their space, and that space is a black box theater at Sarah Lawrence. Try bangs.

Scorpio

Design the most uncomfortable house you can imagine, and then imagine that it’s full of your enemies inventing “a new form of longform improv.” That’s what this week will feel like!

Sagittarius

You’re the babysitter with games on your phone! You’re a John Green character who smokes a cigarette in one drag and has a mysterious magnetic force irresistible to high schoolers in model UN! This week, you’ll take the first major step towards healing your gut biome.

Capricorn

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Aquarius

Go into real estate! Train yourself to think like an algorithm! Practice having no redeeming qualities! This week is all about honing your mind into a sharp sharp needle and then using that needle to sew a

Harry Styles patch onto a denim jacket that is sooo heinous. Get it slay!

Pisces

As a water sign, use this week to direct your energy into convincing your lover that you invented saying “damn Daniel.” Start sharing your location with your boss from three years ago just because!

TEXT MASHA BREEZE & NORA MATHEWS DESIGN TANYA QU ILLUSTRATION JOHN GENDRON