DEAR INDY

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath in, and exhale through your mouth. Imagine you’re in a meadow, a bright green meadow, with daffodils and butterflies. A barn stands in the distance, but otherwise you’re alone. It’s warm, comfortable, and unrealistically peaceful. Off to the left, over a little hill, you see a flock of sheep approaching. Count them: 1, and then 2, maybe 3, are there 4? 5? Now we’re at 6, 7, 8…

Congrats! You’ve entered your dream state. As the questions this week show, we often feel at the whims of our own dreams: they’re the master, and we’re the limp puppet. But fear not! With enough practice, you can wrest back the control your unconscious has stolen. I mean, you can control your thoughts in the daytime, what’s the real difference? You dreamed of the sheep, you counted them until you fell asleep, and you could shear them and make jackets out of their wool if you so pleased.

Dear Indie, I keep dreaming about this person I have a crush on. This would be fun— and even arousing!—if they didn’t have a girlfriend. I wake up every morning disappointed because I know it will only ever be a relationship in my imagination. Any tips on canceling someone from your dreamland? Love, Canceling My Own Consciousness

Dear Canceling My Own Consciousness,

When I was younger, I had a recurring dream where I would get invited to a party and show up only to find that the whole thing had been an elaborate prank. I would start panicking because I was stuck at a trampoline park/escape room/laser tag arena alone with no way to get home. I would wake up once my heart was pounding fast enough that it interrupted my sleep.

Your dream sounds different—certainly more erotic. But, like my more socially pathetic dream, it is a dream you don’t want to be having. Recurring dreams have a way of infecting your conscious life—I once didn’t speak to my mom for five days because I was convinced, based on my dreams, that she was pregnant and wasn’t telling me. It’s important to cut unwanted dreams off at the root before they stake their claim to your waking hours. And, considering your dreams could end up not only hurting you but everyone involved, it’s especially important we erase this dream altogether.

First, we must delete your crush. This doesn’t have to be violent, but it must be final. Before you fall asleep, try to imagine a scenario where this person leaves your life once and for all. Maybe they move across the country. Maybe they get married, have kids, and settle down in a mega-suburb. Maybe, in this suburb, they make a good living but lose it all after being charged with wire fraud. Or maybe they become a famous actor only to have their fame ripped away after a drunken rant that bars them from any respectable role. Or, if you really want to be done with them, maybe they die in a suspicious scuba diving accident off the coast of Providence. These are all viable dream-starters as you begin the process of canceling this person from your unconscious.

Once they’re gone, though, we’ll need something to take their place. It’s important to reorient here. Don’t fill your imagination’s hole with another person who could end up disappointing you. Dream about something apart from love: a trip, a job, a house. To get over my dream about being left at a Skyzone, I dreamed the classic middle-schooler dream: fame. I would fall asleep each night imagining myself as a model on a runway or with a late night talk show. It cured me. Perhaps it could cure you, too.

Dear Indie, I wouldn’t say I’m crazy in bed, but I definitely have some fantasies. I’m seeing this new guy, and I like him a lot, but he’s not as fantastical as me. Is there any way I can bring up our relatively…muted sex life in a way that won’t hurt his feelings? Love, Failed Fantasies

Dear Failed Fantasies,

Sex carries a lot of ego, so you’ll have to go about this carefully. For example, don’t do it during the act. Or right before, and definitely not right after. Pick a nice, neutral, sex-less location. Someplace where all ego is abandoned—a democratic utopia where everyone is on the same playing field.

Like, say, a cafeteria. You want somewhere loud, and vaguely smelly. Try to sit on the same side of the table so you don’t have to look each other in the eyes. You might have seen each other naked, but direct eye contact during a confrontation is more freaky than anything you could do in the bedroom (and it sounds like such freakiness makes him a bit uncomfortable). Then, raise the problem politely, maybe over a plate of porridge or stew or whatever the dining hall is serving. All you have to do is ask, with some humility, whether he might be interested in doing [redacted] in the [redacted] with a [redacted]. While he might seem less fantastical than you, it could be just because he’s never really thought about it.

If he remains uninterested and you’re now awkwardly sitting over two bowls of cold porridge in a loud and overwhelmed cafeteria, then you might just have to reconsider. There are plenty of people who would be happy to [redacted] your [redacted] in a [redacted]. It’s his loss.

Dear Indie, I’ve always had a very specific vision of my dream girl: tattoos, piercings, cigarettes, etc. A few months ago, I started dating a girl from one of my classes, and I fell in love. I should be happy, but since I’ve said “I love you,” all I can think about is how she’s nothing like the girl I dreamed of. No tattoos, only ear piercings, an aversion to all nicotine. I know this is bad, but how bad? Love, Hot Girl Heretic

Dear Hot Girl Heretic,

I don’t know that this is that bad, but surely you know it’s lame. It’s obvious you’re chasing a childhood fantasy from watching Meghan Fox in Transformers. It seems to me that you just as easily could have obsessed over Twilight and, rather than your dream girl being some physical manifestation of the word “badass,” you’d be chasing someone like Bella/Kristen Stewart: pale, quiet, and hopelessly moody. (I, for example, fell in love with James Marsden from 27 Dresses, but I have enough self-awareness to not reject everyone who isn’t a sheepish reporter with a dazzling smile.)

I hate to break it to you, but you’re probably not this girl’s dream, either. I doubt—no offense—that her dream boy resembled anything like you. Except for the few rare, Machine Gun Kelly-like individuals lucky enough to score the Meghan Foxes of the world, most of us end up with something a lot different than what we imagined. This isn’t settling, though, and I think if you read it that way, perhaps you should spare your girlfriend the trouble and call things off. Then, you can try to find that dream girl with cigarettes coming out of her ears and piercings covering her arms. I wonder if she’ll be interested in you. I wonder if you’re everything she ever imagined. No offense.