WEEK IN COUSIN WALK

Week in Cousin Walk

As the holidays approach, many of you may be preparing to see your extended family. While this presents its own unique challenges, it’s also the perfect oppor tunity to do the famous fun activity known as smoking weed with your cousin—a.k.a., the cousin walk! We heard about this on twitter.com and are now writing an article about it because we could not think of one other thing! We brainstormed for hours, and stayed up all night trying to name a single noun, but we just ended up sobbing into each other’s bangs in the enormous private writers’ mansion gifted to us by Big Indy! We are not okay! So, without further ado, here’s our funny little listicle detailing the top ten activities to do on your cousin walk—because weed is afabulous (inside joke lol), but there’s no way it’s the only thing that could make hanging out with your cousin bearable.

1. Go to the abandoned quarry and search for Old Man Garv’s hidden treasure! Aside from the fun of finally solving a centuries-old town mystery, maybe you could bond with your cousin as you try to decipher that wily old coot’s riddles, like “What is louder than my dang wife without ever making a sound?”

2. Come out as a member of the LGT community! There’s never a better time than now to be honest with your cousin about who you are, especially when who you are is a gay person who is mostly normal and easy to be around! Personally, I’m bisexual, but with a cute, nonthreatening, assimilation-chic vibe—I’m basically straight actually! One day you will see me managing a bank and say “Hey, didn’t I go to college with you?” and I will start throwing up all over myself probably because eating only dried apricots all the time will have caught up with me by then. Just being me!

3. Rate each other out of ten based on attractiveness! Who better to give you an honest appraisal of your hotness than your cousin–someone who knows you as well as their own family, but is also still allowed to be attracted to you. I will never die!

4. Smoke some of that sweet zaza hahaahahaha… Weed may be poison for your body mind and soul, but boy does it go down nice into MY lungs. I know this list was meant to be things to do instead of smok ing weed, but hey—I can’t lie! Here at Week in Review we’re maaaaajor tokers of the green stuff, in fact we doink our selves some gouda before writing every article. Smoke weed with cousin. Do it. Do it right now or I’ll get so mad I will start shouting like a freaking bird.

5. Claymash sesh? Who better to have a good, old-fashioned claymation hang with than your cousin Patrick! He’s older than you by a few years which means you were never really close as kids, but now you’re both adults which means you’re the same I guess? Nothing the grueling practice of claymation can’t smooth over! You guys should make a short about a boy in 1950s Brooklyn who lost his kite.

6. BREAKFAST BURRITO EATING CONTEST YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! Grab your cousin by the hand and whisper in their ear, “I have forty break fast burritos sitting on a hotplate in the cargo bed of my (frankly gorgeous) truck—do you want to go out there with me and see how many we can eat in five minutes? Winner gets to take a whole week off from the eel farm we both work at.”

7. Catch up on viral internet sensations! Hear ye hear ye (this is an old timey way to talk, and just a joke! No worries.), gather around your uncle’s cracked iPhone 5c and feast your eyes on an SNL skit from eight years ago! It’s seven minutes long and there’s a musical portion. Two minutes in you can try being like, “oh yeah, I think I saw this,” but your cousins from Bethesda have an inside joke about the last 30 seconds and they want you to have context! The joke is about when a sandwich tastes bad. Quality time IS VITAL!!!!!

8. Compare media diets! Has anyone seen La La Land? …

9. Discuss the supernatural! A good way to break the ice with your cousins who do homeschool math in their free time is to ask if they’ve ever seen anything spooky. Take note of their reaction when you bring up the old clock tower, because maybe you’ll be able to discuss the ghostly bellhop without breaking your vow of silence! The Ghostly Bellhop put a curse on you that will make you talk in Ted Lasso quotes if you tell anyone he took your Nintendo Switch. Uguuggghhhhhh, why does this always happen to you!

10. Exercise your imagination! Your brain is a muscle, and “lifting” can be as simple as imagining something crazy and perverted, like a beard or mus tache on a dog. Try imagining a world without cousins—that means a world without that knit hat that’s a regular beanie but it has a brim…a world without 14-year-olds who know a lot about historical vice presidents…a world without doctors…a world without people who regularly engage with airline rewards programs…Sounds pretty bad right?? Cousins are one of the most sacred and important populations we have, so make sure to take the time to go on your phone in the same room with some of them this holiday season <3