The College Hill Independent — Vol. 45 Issue 1

WEEK IN QUEEN DEAD: TWO OPINIONS ON THE DEATH OF QUEEN ELIZABETH

Opinion: Dear Queen, Your Internalized Misogyny is Showing

BRITAIN, The U.K., September 8th 2022 — This week, the Queen took a bold anti-monarchy stance by being dead. Will it pay off, or is this just the latest example of a powerful woman defeated by her own internalized misogyny? Nora and I investigate.

Listen, I’m all for girlbosses choosing their own path in life. But at the same time, I wonder what message the Queen’s death will send to millions of young girls who aren’t dead. Sure, powerful women have a rich cultural tradition of dying—think Cleopatra, Susan B. Anthony, or Kelsey, the Week in Review intern (yes, she’s technically alive, but at this point she is honestly dead to me and Nora because last week she double-booked our joint birthday party with the shoot for our Monistat commercial, and now we’re blacklisted from any future Monistat sponsorships). But I think that in supporting the Queen’s right to be old-pilled and dead-core (slay), we’ve lost sight of what really matters. There have been a lot of jokes on Twitter about how funny it is that a powerful woman has been KILLED by death, and I just want to say, why is no one talking about how death is bad? I guess it’s cool now to be British and dead. *eye roll*

Call me a millennial, but I’m afraid to die! I don’t know what happens after. Like, is it just nothing haha? Am I nothing but material, recyclable, nameless? Do I feel as though my life is being observed—its triumphs valorized, its defeats martyred and made lessons—because it truly is, or merely because I desperately need it to be so, because losing this belief would make me just another collection of particles briefly bound together, soon to be shuffled apart, friendless and unremembered?

Who’s to say! All I know is that the Queen died before she got the chance to tell me I’m pretty, which would have been honestly really great for me. I actually kind of need that right now. Indynators, write in! Tell me I’m pretty.

As a trans woman who will weaponize that fact by the end of this sentence, I also want to acknowledge the Queen’s queerness—not only did she slay the gender binary by using neopronouns (the royal We), she was also descended from a long and beautiful polycule. That means we can’t make fun of her!

I think ultimately, after all my extensive research on this topic, I’m left with more questions than answers—like, is it okay to make fun of dead people if they were kind of mid? Why did the Queen comment “!!!” on that piggytaiwan post right before she died? Is there a God? If so, does He accept people into His kingdom just based on how moral they were, or is there also a hotness/vibes component? If it’s the former, does God have access to Wattpad circa the year 2014 and know how to find out the authorship of a robust collection of Terri Schiavo fanfics? If it’s the latter, I ask you, what chance do you think I have of getting into heaven based on just my looks? Am I hot enough to pass for a good person? And lastly, what’s gonna happen to all the Queen’s little hats? Can I have some?

I guess we have to just find our own ways to deal with death and mourning. For Nora and me, it’s gonna be a madcap Weekend at Bernie’s style caper where we try to convince Prince George and Louis that their great-grandmother is haunting them from under their bed.

With love, light and a secret third thing, Masha “The Germinator” Breeze

Opinion: The Queen Is Dead Long Live My Ass haha

As someone with no prior medical history of being dead, I feel that I can’t fully speak to Queen Elizabeth’s lived experience. However, I do have some thoughts on how this might be the perfect time to restructure the British ruling class—what if the royal family looked more like a nonhierarchical improv group? Maybe all British people should just join a big group text, and then everyone can Venmo request each other for taxes.

Queen Elizabeth and I have never hung out, and I honestly don’t think we will any time soon! I don’t plan to die for a while—when I do, it will be from natural causes (mercury poisoning)—and I am also generally against the idea of monarchy. I’ve always said: The only “Queen Elizabeth” should be “Queen”ing out in “za bath” after a long day of sending your headshot to consulting companies! I’m putting that sentence on a tote bag and hoping my Irish ancestors don’t send a ghost to haunt me for the rest of my life.

For people still learning to grasp why monarchy is bad: imagine if a doctor could tell you not to have tuna salad “nine times in two weeks” because you’ll “get mercury poisoning” and “that’s what your headaches are from.” What the hell is this, 1984 or something else where the world is bad? This type of power is unconscionable: there shouldn’t be doctors and there shouldn’t be a queen and everything should be organized based on what has the most “It” factor. Women named Francesca? It factor. Dogs in a little coat and hat? It factor. Bikini Marge Simpson on a motorcycle? IT FACTOR! Marrying your second cousin once removed? No it factor detected.

As I’m watching the Queen be celebrated for being born rich, I’m starting to feel like the groundbreaking work I’ve done in my field (showing a little accidental sideboob at my summer internship) isn’t being properly recognized. If the Queen wanted to connect with me, she could have at least tried doing an indie-sleaze look ONE time. And as far as celebrity deaths go: until they kill Snoopy, I don’t give a crap! That dog is so cute I love Snoopy. Unlike Snoopy, the Queen has never made me appreciate the emotional honesty of childhood or think about how it would be cute to have a bird on my head. The only thought Queen Elizabeth has ever provoked is this “thot” (sorry) into wondering why Her Royal Highness never had better branded products. Masha and I need to be pandered to via exclusive merchandise: obviously I don’t feel an emotional attachment to the Queen’s death because no one ever sent me an officially-endorsed Gildan t-shirt with a vinyl decal of the Queen doing oppa Gangnam style in a pastel matching set!! It’s almost like monarchs don’t care about connecting with me. This is all to say that the Queen never even tried to do casual Instagram. Also, I barely even saw her do a clean girl bun one time.

XOXOXOXONora “Nora Mathews” Mathews