WEEK IN REVIEW: DESERT EDITION

Week In Review: Desert Edition

Tackling the question on everyone’s mind this week: should I move to the desert? We discuss.

Opinion: If Everyone Goes to the Desert That’s Bad

Masha is in the desert this week :( and they’re probably lost because I made them spin around really fast before they got on the plane, so they’re sooo discombobulated. It’s generally a bad idea to go somewhere without cell service because what if you get a good idea for a song? Or you get cursed by a dead tree and don’t have any time to recover by Googling soup recipes?

I’m worried that everyone is going to try to go to the desert and make a mini documentary about it. Not everyone can win at Sundance! Plus I heard that the application deadline is really soon and I already submitted my short film about how I saw a dog that had human eyes and an ass that doesn’t quit. I don’t want anyone to compete against me; all my actors quit before production started due to a “contract dispute” (they didn’t trust me after they found out I was a nepotism baby—my aunt invented the idea of drinking a glass of water before bed) so I had to CGI everyone in and it looks kind of off.

The desert’s biggest draw is that you get to hallucinate a beautiful lake when you get thirsty enough. When I get really thirsty, I just drink a glass of water before bed! Haha (my aunt just made $70). My question: why would you go to the desert when you can crawl on your hands and knees towards the mirage of an oasis from the comfort of your hometown? The oasis in question is a cronut restaurant and crawling is driving a car by yourself in the HOV lane. The material comforts I desperately need—four cups of red dye 40 every day—will not be available to me if I go off the grid. If I don’t get my red dye 40, I black out and wake up three days later in a pile of every pair of platform orthopedic sandals Zappos has to offer. This happens a lot and my carbon footprint is soooo big because I just incinerate all of the shoes on the spot in my in-unit incinerator.

I saw in an Instagram-reel-style vision (short-form video content gets beamed directly into my head and I experience videos as if they were fragments of an apocalyptic future I can see only partially) about how when you live in nature for long enough birds start to dress you. I don’t trust birds after what they did to my cousin’s husband! And I don’t want their little claws on my matching workout sets. I can only imagine birds have wreaked havoc on Masha’s collection of the cashmere dunce hats they make me wear when I say they don’t have Rachel-from-Friends hair.

Opinion: I Went to the Desert Because an Infographic Told Me to and You Should Come Visit! It’s Honestly *Vibes* and *Mood* Here

Hello to all my smol beans and awkward hoomans! My therapist DM’d me an infographic (yes, we have that kind of relationship, she’s my bestie and last week she told me I’m her favorite client sooooo) that told me I need to get off the grid and reconnect with nature, so I immediately moved to the California desert. I don’t have WiFi or cell service so I’m currently writing this article in my mind and then telepathically communicating it to Nora in her dreams! That’s right, superpowers are a thing you get when you go off the grid and start only drinking alkaline water and only eating food that was prepared by someone who has *boundaries* and holds space for softness.

I’ve been really working on myself since I got here. I have now realized that my tiny dog and I had a codependent relationship, so I’m taking some space and healing from that. I live in a cute two bedroom hole with a beautiful community of nasty women! We all have the same haircut and the same relationship with our moms (good but sometimes we fight over who has a deeper connection to Alanis Morissette’s lyrics). Me and my roomies are so close it’s crazy! We’ve strengthened that bond by taking BuzzFeed quizzes together every night (if anyone else gets “Prince Eric” on the What Your Socialization Says About Which Disney Prince Is Your Soul Mate, I stop talking to them for a week haha); all wearing only white all the time, taking psychedelics together whenever I say so; and having shame hour, the hour where everyone tells me their deepest shames! We’re so crazy lol.

The desert is also a great place to start having domain over crows! Crows are great because they’re like Instacart except you don’t have to pay them to bring you groceries. Me and my crows love to crack open a couple Dasanis, put on an episode of Red Scare, and scroll on Tik- Tok together, showing each other the funny ones (although sometimes Crowlivia starts saying everything has “pick-me energy” and I have to pull her aside and tell her that she’s being too much).

Anywhooooo come to the desert! It’s sandy here and I like that.