All Our Scars

Cynthia Wright

I watched him silently…my eyes strained on the conversation he was having, the way his hands wandered down her arm as they talked. She was beautiful, light skinned and had a dark mane of hair. Her eyes were bright as she stared at him, looking up at him with adoring eyes. He was smiling that smile again, that smile that’s made my heart ache, especially when it wasn’t directed at me. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about but I could tell that he was complimenting her at the moment with the way she giggled and f lipped her hair over her shoulders with a shy smile.

As he stood there I wondered what line he was using now and if he had used it once on me. The possibility of that was very high. Maybe he told her that her hair reminded him of a mermaid’s, the beautiful f low as it fell down her shoulders calling onto him like the seductive call of a siren. Or maybe he said her eyes looked like a thousand stars were trapped in them and he wanted to be the only one their light shone on. I could think of a thousand and one things he was saying to her, the tone he was using and the smile…that goddamned smile that he sent her way. His hands were covering hers as they talked some more. From where I sat I noticed she was leaning heavily on his body. He was rather tall, with long legs and a lean waist. He looked perfect to lean on and I didn’t blame her for taking the opportunity. I knew the moment he recognized the fact that she had landed in his perfectly set trap, he smiled large, his white teeth glittering in the sun and I chuckled a little because I knew that smile would come sooner than later. He was charming, and he knew it, every word that left his lips were aimed at her strengths, aimed perfectly like a sniper’s favorite weapon at all her walls, sending them tumbling down like a pack of oddly set cards. It was a rather sad sight to see.

Another heartbroken soul to add to the long list of ladies already cursing his name. Maybe at an earlier time I would have been disgusted at the sight, I would have turned my nose at the way he caressed them, like I always did when he pulled out a blunt… now it was familiar and rather amusing as I watched the impending heart break unfold right before my eyes. I guess with the amount of time I’d seen it h a p p e n , I h a d b e c o m e r a t h e r unfeeling to the countless girls and their faceless faces because for some reason, they always reminded me of myself. With the way they melted at his smile, the way they laughed at his jokes and most shamefully bent to his will. But what I do know…they had s o m e t h i n g I d e s p e r a t e l y wanted…They had James. They had him…I didn’t. ‘Did you see her?’ He asks loudly as he sits at our table, taking a swing of his forgotten beer, his eyes shining like they did after the predator in him had gotten their prey, he watched me waiting for my response.

Nodding my head wildly I smiled and replied with enthusiasm ‘She was really cute!’ I wasn’t lying however, she was beautiful. She wasn’t me. His dark brown orbs shimmered as he watched me with hooded eyes, his lips curved in a small smile as his eyes wandered my face, as if searching for something. Our eyes met, and we maintained the eye contact, I held my breath as I watched his lips closely as they were about to move. ‘Baby, I’ve been looking all over for you!” Mike’s voice rang loudly in my ears breaking the concentration I had on James’s eyes. Moving my gaze to my boyfriend as he sat beside me and pulled me in for a kiss, I closed my eyes tightly, trying to imagine the fireworks and butterf lies I should be feeling at the simple fact that his lips touched mine. Numb. I felt numb, I felt no tinges, no blimp in felt no tingles, no blimp in my heartbeat, no shortness of breath, I just felt… numb.

Mike placed his hands over mine and gave my palm a kiss, resisting an eye roll; I looked back at James whose eyes were already on me, watching me silently. I wondered what ran through his mind whenever he laid his eyes on me, did he think I was beautiful? Or did he imagine me in erotic positions under him with his lips running slowly down my neck, my legs wrapped around his waist as I g a s p e d a t t h e f e e l i n g o f penetration? My eyes had glazed over when I realized that I was the one imagining all of this, I was the one who wanted to be beautiful in his eyes, I was the one who wanted to be under him in the most intimate way possible. I hated when my thoughts took this direction because I hated the reaction my body had to the thoughts. Tingles. I felt tingles, tingles up my spine, tingles at my fingertips, tingles on my lips, I felt tingles everywhere. And sucking in a sharp breath, I looked at my b o y f r i e n d . H e w a s t a l k i n g animatedly to James who was laughing at his jokes and nodding his head in amusement. I looked at Mike’s face trying to find which imperfection was there that made it

hard for me to feel tingles, but I found nothing; his chocolate brown skin was a perfect fit for his dark eyes, his pale pink lips as he spoke and his bright white smile. The bright white smile thatwas directed at me…

Mike was mine. I had him. But for some reason he didn’t seem to be enough, I wanted more, I wanted something else. I wanted James. James didn’t want me however, I wasn ’t what he wanted, I could never be. Maybe in an alternate world, he would met me first and be the one pinning over me like a dazed lover, maybe he would be in love with me. Maybe he would trail kisses down my neck, bite my lips lightly, suck on my collarbone and maybe just maybe he would do me right. Do me like Mike never does. Michael treated me ‘right’. He did all the socially right things to ‘steal’ my heart but he didn’t steal anything, I just felt obligated to give him something. I wasn ’t in love with him, I should be but I wasn ’t. If I think about it really hard, if I focus all my scattered brain cells on why I was with Mike, I would remember that at first, the fact that someone actually liked me was more than fascinating, it was mind boggling, someone actually liked me! The fact that other girls wanted this piece of perfect human chocolate didn’t help the situation, I remember how he’d smile brightly at me whenever he saw me in a crowd, at the mall, everywhere, he would smile, and the fact that I had that type of effect on someone was mind blowing.

I fed off that feeling. The feeling of attraction he felt for me, it has never happened before…at least not to that extent. So yes I was a weirdo, and yes I was an attention seeker. There are worse sins. ‘Hey Ola, I’ll catch you later, aiii?’ James says as he stands up from his seat and leaves without telling Mike goodbye. I watched him go silently, my eyes focused on his back as he left. I kept my gaze on him until he was out of sight. Sighing, I turned to look at my boyfriend to see him glaring at me harshly, his eyes narrowed tightly as he looked like he was trying to find something. ‘What?’ I asked quietly as I tried to avoid his eyes, picking up my food in my spoon and then turning it over in the plateabsentmindedly. ‘What’s going on with you and that guy?’ he asks with his face taking an unattractive look as he frowned in my direction. ‘I don’t know what you mean ’ , I murmured as I turned to look at him in the eye, hoping that he couldn’t see through the hardness in my eyes, hoping he couldn’t see my longing for someone that wasn ’t him…Just hoping for something .I assumed my hoping worked because he said nothing and just moved closer to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. Mike was huge with PDA, he would touch, kiss, tickleand lick me right in front of everyone. I wondered if, maybe, he was trying to prove something. ‘ You look beautiful today ’ , he whispered into my ears, the warm heat from his words probably intended to make me melt only made me cringe. I had seen James do that to countless of girls and they had looked like they were in bliss… like they shared a secret. I forced a smile and replied ‘Thanks, you tell me that all the time’ . Indeed, he a l w a y s t o l d m e I w a s beautiful…problem was I never felt beautiful…never. ‘You wanna go up to my room? Wanna sex you up ’, he told me with a sly smile as his hand wandered under my skirt and brushed over the lace panties. I didn’t squeal like the first time it happened, I didn’t flinch, I just nodded silently and got up to pick my books off the table. Throwing my bag over my shoulders, I pushed my glasses up my nose and walked beside him to his hostel.

As soon as the doorwas closed, I felt my back hit the wall lightly, and before I could breathe, I felt his lips on mine. Holding his shirt tightly in my hands, I kissed back matching his pace, my mind already replacing him with the one I really wanted. His hands dragged down my back and pulled my shirt off, sucking in a sharp breath I moaned a little at the sudden cold that attacked my bare chest. ‘Dig baby ’ , I said. He groaned as he unhooked my bra before pushing me back on the wall and then sliding my skirt right off my waist. I don’t know how we did it but we were suddenly on his bed, I was under him, my legs spread to accommodate his body. I always imagined feeling safe when he was above me, but I didn’t feel safe, I n e v e r d i d . H i s h a n d s absentmindedly wandered my body, just caressing as if he was doing me a favor, as if I should appreciate the fact that he was touching me. His hands weren ’t the hands of a lover, no, he was using me…And I swear I let him. I always did.He didn’t bite my neck like I was hoping he would, he didn’t suck my collarbone like I wished…he just went straight for the price that sat between my legs.

My eyes strain at the ceiling as I felt him push into me, my nails digging into his back as I let myself feel wanted, it was painful and not in any way enjoyable but he wanted me, I was giving him pleasure, I was making him moan. Me. I… I was doing that to him. I made him shiver in pleasure. I felt…powerful. Used, but fucking powerful. Gasping with every intrusion of him into my body, I felt a tear run out my eye as I felt him pound harder into me. The world was spinning around me, the colors were all dark and grey, I was looking for a silver lining... I found no escape. ‘Fuck’, I heard him say harshly over me, I knew he had reached his peak. His use for me was over; I couldn’t even decide if I was happy about that fact or that I resented it. A bit of both I guess. Breathing heavily as he pulls out of me, before turning over and facing the otherside of the bed, I heard him shuffle behind me before I felt his arm wrap around my waist and pull me closer. ‘Did I hurt you baby?’ I heard him whisper behind me. Choking on a sob, I said ‘No…not more than usual’.