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HOW TO DRESS LIKE A JEWISH SCOTT!

Dear Rabbi

I’m a Scottish convert to Judaism and recently discovered there is a Jewish tartan. Obviously I already have a tartan (MacDonald) but I was wondering if I should change my tartan now that I have converted?

Hannah

Dear Hannah

That’s what I love about this column. I get asked questions that sometimes necessitate me having to learn new things. So, for the benefit of readers, the official MacDonald Modern tartan contains dark greens, dark blues, with thin red and black lines. Clan MacDonald traces its origins to the western Scottish isles. Based along the west coast from Hebrides to the Central Lowlands.

A Jewish tartan was introduced by Rabbi Mendel Jacobs, Chabad Rabbi in Scotland. He chose to build and register a design, later dubbed the “Kosher Tartan,” with the Scottish Tartan Authority. He says, “This was an idea that people could both wear with pride of being Jewish and their Scottish heritage combined together.” Various aspects of the design harken to Jewish faith. It contains three vertical lines and seven horizontal ones; both numbers are sacred, three representing the Patriarchs and other aspects of unity such as G-d, Torah and the Jewish people. Seven represents the seven attributes as associated with man.

The central colours are blue and white, both of which decorate the Israeli and Scottish flags; they are complemented by lines of gold (representative of the Ark that was in the Temple and red (Kiddush wine?), and silver (ornaments on the Torah scrolls).

There’s no need for you to have to change your tartan but as there is symbolism in the Jewish one it might be a nice idea to consider doing so. As Rabbi Jacobs said,, “It means a lot because it’s obviously part of my heritage and enhances a person’s ability to strengthen their own Jewish identity.”

That said, there is a potential broader difference: In accordance with Jewish Law, Rabbi Jacobs has ensured that all cloth products do not contain mixtures of wool and linen, because of the prohibition called shatnez. So unless you have your MacDonad tartan checked for shatnez you would definitely be better off going with the Jewish option.

As you Scottish say: Lang may yer lum reek

Public Displays Of Awkwardness

Dear Rabbi

I have a friend who is always having public displays of affection with her husband. I told her it is inappropriate behaviour and probably not right in the eyes of Jewish law. She insists, as it’s her husband there is nothing inappropriate about it. Am I missing something?

Rachel

Dear Rachel Jewish law is pretty emphatic about modesty and public displays of affection are the bane of modesty! It’s like witnessing a cringe-worthy dance-off between two overenthusiastic penguins in the middle of a crowded street. It’s as if some couples have been struck with a love bug and decided to spread their contagious affection in the most extravagant and public ways possible. It’s like watching a live soap opera without subtitles, leaving bystanders puzzled and awkwardly glancing away. Modesty goes out the window faster than a sneeze in a hurricane.

I maintain those who feel the need for PDA usually harbour insecurities and feel as though they have something to prove. It’s as if these couples are shouting, “Look at us! Look how much we love each other!” It’s like they’re trying to compensate for something.

So let’s keep our lovey-dovey moves confined to private spaces, shall we? Spare us from witnessing the love Olympics where everyone’s competing for the most affectionate couple award. If only there was a PDA-free zone, where public decency could prevail and we could all go about our days without feeling like unwitting extras in a romantic blockbuster. Spare innocent bystanders from being unwilling participants in your quest for validation. Let’s preserve our dignity and public spaces from becoming romance arenas, because, hey, nobody wants to see a lovey-dovey wrestling match between cuddling clowns in broad daylight!

A BARK MITZVAH?

Dear Rabbi I’ve heard about some Rabbis doing special Bar Mitzvahs for their pets. I consider my dog as my best friend and as he turned 13 I wonder whether there was something appropriate to consider?

Seth

Dear Seth Oh boy, you’re barking up the right tree with this one! It is a tail-waggingly insane idea! Just imagine your pup sporting a tiny yarmulke and leading the congregation with a howling rendition of his portion. Obviously the notion of doing anything religious for any animal is wholly absurd and makes a mockery of whichever faith. Those so-called rabbis don’t represent authentic Judaism. However, you could still throw him a party with a buffet of gourmet dog treats, and of course a doggie bag to take stuff home in. Meanwhile you can hire a DJ to play appropriate songs like, “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

So, if you’re looking for a doggone good time and want to celebrate your pup’s birthday, a party might just be the pawfect way to do it. It’ll be a howling success. Just keep religion out of it.

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