Boarding

Boarding: A letter to my four-year-old daughter

Will van Asperen Housemaster Broughton Forrest

Two homes

At six months old, Amelia, you were sung to sleep by a sixteen-year-old Tongan student, Anthony. His best friend died in an accident when he was eleven, and Anthony chose to be adopted by his friend’s parents. He shared his love between two homes. It was a courageous choice – a gift – that brought much comfort, honour, strength and joy to himself and both families. In lots of ways, I ask you, your mother and the Broughton Forrest boys to make the same choice – to share your love between two homes – because we are called to be a gift to others.

It’s not always easy, I know, and I hope this note helps to explain what I do and why. Care: Are the boys and staff safe and healthy?

These are a few of the things we must get right no matter what:

There are 75 boarders in Broughton Forrest, and, within five minutes of a phone call, for thirty-six weeks a year, we need to know where each one of them is, and that each one is under the age-appropriate supervision of an adult who knows their responsibilities.

We must know that the boys are getting the right amount of sleep, and that the boys’ rooms are appropriately furnished, heated, cooled, lit, ventilated and screened from insects, so they can sleep well.

We must keep an eye on the boys’ eating habits, to ensure they are getting meals of the right nutritional value, quantity, variety and choice.

We must make sure the boys have easy access to medical care, and know what to do in a medical emergency (like an allergic reaction or a COVID+ case).

We must monitor and report on any issues with the building (like a leaking roof or a broken bathroom door) that may make it unsafe to live and work in.

There are so many people at TKS that focus their energies on getting these essential things right in boarding – Diane Hollow, Ben Chadwick, Jonathan Coatley, Peter West, Colin Mitchell. These wonderful people allow me to invest more energy in less tangible but highly rewarding aspects of boarding: culture and relationships. Culture: Are boys and staff happy and socially responsible?

In boarding (as in life), our expectations (and other forces that shape a culture (Ritchart (2015)) must be orientated towards learning, health and wellbeing, and living successfully in a community, as opposed to just the ‘completion of work’ and ‘staying out of trouble’. Routines – our shared set of practices to promote learning, health and successful community-living (wake-up time, room inspection time, mealtimes, study time etc.) – minimise confusion, reduce uncertainty and direct a boarder’s activity along known paths to success, but they must be underpinned by values, otherwise life in boarding is just ‘going through the motions’ till holidays. Sure, language (written and verbal) is one way to articulate values, and it can be done subtly: when correcting a boarder’s behaviour, for instance, language that is conditional (i.e. ‘What might be…?’) and curious (i.e. ‘I wonder if…’) will invite the student to acknowledge his responsibility to serve the community and promote staff’s compassion (discouraging rushed judgement).

Boarding: A letter to my four-year-old daughter

CONTINUED

However, the less we can talk ‘at’ the boys, the better; hence, the importance of the physical environment to communicating values and messages, even when the boys are not there. Visible signs of anti-social behaviour (a broken desk, cushions askew) promote further disorder. A well-made bed, on the other hand, promotes selfcontrol and self-respect. A banquet table promotes hospitality and a collaborative study environment. Artwork, cultural artifacts, sporting shields, a piano, a world map, coffee table books – together, these promote a celebration of diverse interests.

My favourite ‘culture shaper’ is our modelling to the boys – you me, Mum and Alec, together. ‘Doing life’ on campus – chatting with friends, reading the newspaper, going for a swim or a hike, playing the ‘floor is lava’ with you and Alec, practising my putting game, cooking, watching a film – is incredibly powerful in validating a healthy balance of work, recreation and free time. It is too easy to give boys a distorted impression of life when all they may see is staff sitting at a desk or talking at a whiteboard. Relationships: Are the boys and staff feeling valued and afforded the opportunity to flourish?

‘Only connect’ is the epigraph of E.M. Foster’s Howards End, and it is an invitation to unite the opposing elements within a person – the ‘monk’ and the ‘beast’, or, for boarding staff, the advocate and the judge, the listener and the loudest voice, the comforter and the task-master, the mentor and the ‘beat cop’ – and to value each person and each personal relationship as unique.

Routines, environment, modelling are all big, ‘macro’ forces, but: how does each Broughton Forrest boy know that I believe in their capacity to improve? ‘Only connect.’ How do I recognise each boy’s and each staff member’s ‘zone of proximal development’ – their ‘Goldilocks zone’, where, with support, the next step in advancement is neither too hard nor too easy? ‘Only connect.’ How do I know the when is it helpful to accommodate for a person’s normal ebbs and flows in mood and effort, when will leniency compromise that person’s growth, and when intervention is necessary because of unhealthy changes in that person’s character? ‘Only connect.’ And this, Amelia, is why we sometimes just hang out in the boarding house, especially at that wonderfully fluid time between sport, dinner and study. Nothing beats just being around; there’s purpose even if there’s no specific purpose. And this is why you and I adventured south last holidays to visit the boarders at their homes – and why you and I will adventure north at Christmas. ‘Only connect.’

References

Ritchhart, R. (2015). Creating cultures of thinking: The 8 forces we must master to truly transform our schools.

Jossey-Bass.