The Loafer June 2nd

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Day Quest Adventures begin at Doe River Gorge

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Jonesborough Named Among TN’s Most Beautiful

...plus so much more

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Volume 29 • Issue #26

Blue Plum

Publisher Luci Tate

Festival

Editor Graphic Arts Director Don Sprinkle Office Manager Luci Tate Cover Design Bill May Advertising Dave Carter Elaine Farris Terry Patterson Lori Hughes Contributing Staff Jim Kelly Andy Ross Ken Silvers Mark Marquette Brian McManus Joshua Hicks Jeff Ginther, M.D. Karie Grace Duncan Nathan Cox Published by Pulse Publishing, LLC., P.O. Box 3238, Johnson City, TN 37602 Phone: 423/283-4324 FAX - 423/283-4369 www.theloaferonline.com info@theloaferonline.com e-mail: editorial@theloaferonline.com (editorial) adcopy@theloaferonline.com (advertising) All advertisements are accepted and published by the publisher upon the representation that the agency and/or advertiser is authorized to publish the entire contents and subject matter thereof.

The agency and/or advertiser will indemnify and save the publisher harmless from any loss of expense resulting from claims or suits based upon contents of any advertisement, including claims or suits for defamation, libel, right of privacy, plagiarism, and copyright infringement.

Founder: Bill Williams

in this issue ....

4

Blue Plum Festival

6

“Les Misèrables” at the Paramount

8

Hometown Throwdown Returns

9

DJ Hippo at Poor Richard’s Campus

12 Tipton Gallery presents “Knoxville Now” 13 National Trail & Clean The Bay Days 14 “Southern Fried Nuptial” at Barter 22 Nashville Artists to perform in Johnson City 25 Annabelle’s Curse to release 3rd album 27 Ed Stivender to host Storytelling Live!

music & fun 18 28

Spotlight - Great Music & Fun Times Crossword & Sudoku

columns & reviews

15 Batteries Not Included - “Charles Foster Ross” 20 Stargazer - “Sex on the Moon ... and More!”

21 Skies This Week 23 She Does It Herself - Lamp Make-Over 24 Screen Scenes - “Tomorrowland” 26 The Trivial Traveler - “Detroit’s Bright Spot” 29 Lock, Stock & Barrel - Personal Tactical Training - Pt. 1 30 Kelly’s Place - “Songs For Third-Graders”

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Blue Plum Festival Announces New Addition To The Event Each year, the folks from Friends of Olde Downtowne try to add new and exciting elements to the festival, this year is no different. A new ticketed concert and a CrossFit tournament are being added to the weekend, as well as a bigger Blue Hop Brew HaHa Craft Beer event.

Blue Plum at Founders, will offer those who choose to purchase a ticket, the chance to see Shovels and Rope, a band that has been very visible recently. They have

played on the Late Show as well as Austin City Limits and their amazing sound captivates their audiences. Tickets for the concert, which also includes Ian Thomas and the Band of Drifters and the Grammy award winning Rebirth Brass Band are available at blueplum.org. Tickets for the concert are $25, after May 25 they increase to $30. Blue Plum at Founders will be on the Great Lawn at Founders Park.

The Blue Hop Brew HaHa is

going to be changing locations this year, offering more opportunities for craft beer lovers and the ability for more people to attend. The selections of beer have tripled this year and the event will be held in Founders Park. Tickets for the event are $35 early bird and increase to $40 after May 25.

Fans will also have the opportunity to purchase a special combo ticket for $49, which includes both the Blue Hop Brew HaHa and the Founders Park Concert.

Holston Distributing and Bud Light are back as Main Sponsor for the Festival. “We have been a part of the festival for many years and are thrilled to once again be the Main Sponsor,” said Frank Wood, President of Holston Distributing.

“Our goal is to provide resources to the Friends of Olde Downtowne that will ensure a safe and responsible festival.”

This event, known for its variety of music options, will continue to offer fans the opportunity to hear some great musicians. The Main Street Stage features wonderful Americana music by 18 South on Friday evening and Webb Wilder and Richie on Saturday night.

Sending out smooth jazz music from the Jazz Stage, sponsored

by ETSU, is Johnny Smith and the Power Players and El Movimiento on Friday and Dan Wilson along with Keith McKelley with Diane

Roblin as the featured act on Saturday night.

The area’s largest, free festival could not happen without the help of volunteers. Area civic, church and non-profit groups as well as individuals are encouraged to volunteer to help in many capacities.

During the festival, volunteers are used to help at the information tents, in several events as support, and at the merchandise tents. To find out more about volunteer opportunities, go to blueplum.org.

It takes hundreds of volunteers working together to put on the festival and the Blue Plum Planning Team is always willing to have others join in.

Another new addition to the festival offerings this year is the

Blue Plum ......

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Empty Bottle String Band

Blue Plum ...... Continued from previous page Crossfit East 10 Summer Bash.

Teams from throughout the region will compete in the crossfit style games, an athletic competition where athletes compete in difficult workouts including weightlifting and gymnastics movements to highlight who is the fittest.

The 5K has a new course that begins at Founders Park will be on Friday, June 5th with the Little

Plum Half at 6:30 pm and the 5K beginning at 7:30 pm.

The Blue Plum Playhouse, Animation Festival, the Criterium and an amazing food court can also be enjoyed at the Blue Plum.

For more information about the festival, go to blueplum.org or email blueplumdirector@gmail. com.

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~ 1:15 ~

The Heppy Kats ~ 2:00 ~

Malcolm Holcombe & Ed Snodderly ~ 2:45 ~

SONiA & Disappear Fear ~ 3:45 ~

The Howlin Brothers ~ 5:00 ~

Webb Wilder & the Beatnecks

blueplum.org

~ 7:00 ~

RICHIE ~ 9:00

BLUE PLUM MUSIC LINE-UP Friday Fountain Stage

My New Favorites

Saturday Founders Stage Founders Park

~ 6:00 ~

Danny Paisley & the Southern Grass ~ 7:00 ~

18 South ~ 9:00 ~

18 So

uth

Ian Thomas and the Band of Drifters ~ 5:30 ~

Saturday Fountain Stage

Rebirth Brass Band

~ 11:15 ~

Shovels and Rope

Mike Knowles

Great Smoky Mountain Bluegrass Band ~ 11:30 ~

Daisi Rain ~ 12:30 ~

~ 7:00 ~ ~ 9:00 ~

*Times subject to change

Daisi Rain

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4th Annual

Featuring the best of the region’s wines, cider, mead and craft beer at Heartwood: Southwest Virginia’s Artisan Gateway.

One of Southwest Virginia’s most distinctive assets is its wines, cider, mead and craft beer. The Fourth Annual Southwest Virginia Wine Festival is the perfect way to not only experience these assets, but also learn the stories and meet the makers behind the wines.

The SWVA Wine Festival is scheduled for Saturday, June 13, 2015 from 1p.m. to 5p.m. at Heartwood: Southwest Virginia’s Artisan Gateway. Tickets are $20 per person in advance or $25 per person the day of the event and may be purchased online at swvawinefestival.com or at Heartwood.

“Last year’s event was a great success. We had a great turnout that day to taste the wines of eight of our best wineries,” said Todd Christensen, Executive Director of the Southwest Virginia Cul-

tural Heritage Foundation. “And now going into our fourth year, we have craft breweries planning to attend. This event is very exciting for us because it’s a way to not only showcase, but educate people about the great natural and creative resources we have here in Southwest Virginia.”

The 19-county, four-city region produces an extensive range of award-winning wines, as well as cider and mead, all of which will be poured by participating Artisan Trail members − Abingdon Vineyard and Winery, Davis Valley Winery & Vineyard, Foggy Ridge Cider, MountainRose Vineyards, Rural Retreat Winery & Vineyard, Stanburn Winery, Vincent’s Vineyard, and West Wind Farm Vineyard and Winery − during the event. There will also be tastings

from area breweries – Damascus Brewery, and Old Glade Brewery.

Light hors d’oeuvres and a souvenir wine glass are also included in the ticket price.

Online ticketing and more information about the June 13th Southwest Virginia Wine Festival can be found online at swvawinefestival.com or by calling (276) 492-2400. Heartwood: Southwest Virginia’s Artisan Gateway is located at Exit 14 on I-81 in Abingdon, VA, for more information visit them online at heartwoodvirginia.org and at facebook.com/ HeartwoodVirginia. This event is sponsored by Clinch Valley Printing, FM94, ‘Round the Mountain: Southwest Virginia’s Artisan Trail, The Crooked Road’s Mountains of Music Homecoming, and the Southwest Virginia Cultural Heritage Foundation.

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Theatre Bristol and Paramount Center for the Arts

Present Legendary Broadway Musical

“Les Misérables” June 19-28, 2015 Theatre Bristol and the Paramount Center for the Arts present the Broadway hit show “Les Misérables” in six performances, June 19-28. This production of Boublil and Schonberg’s “Les Misérables” is directed by Glenn Patterson, most recently director of “Scrooge!

The Musical” and “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”

Opening June 19 at The Paramount Center for the Arts (518 State Street, Bristol, TN), “Les Misérables” runs for two weekends with four evening and two matinee performances. Reservations can be made by calling 423-2748920 or purchasing tickets online at www.theparamountcenter.com.

“Winner of over 100 international awards and seen by over 65 million people worldwide,” reports Music Theatre International, “‘Les Misérables’ is an epic and uplifting story about the survival of the human spirit.”

“Capturing this uplifting story together with the Paramount Center for the Arts is a dream come true as we celebrate Theatre Bristol’s 50th anniversary and Cathy DeCaterina’s legacy,” said Samantha Gray, Theatre Bristol Board member and producer of the show.

“Director Glenn Patterson has brought together incredible talent from our area, and audiences will be moved by his ability to touch our hearts.”

On behalf of the the Paramount Center for the Arts, Suzanne Brewster said, “The Paramount is thrilled to be partnering with Theatre Bristol to bring Les Misérables to the Paramount and we believe that in doing so we are fulfilling our mission of bringing local talent to this beautiful stage.” The Paramount Center for the Arts and Theatre Bristol share a long history because of the determination of Theatre Bristol founder Cathy DeCaterina, catalyst for restoring the Paramount to its grandeur.

Tracking intertwined lives laced

with poverty, power, dreams and grace, Boublil and Schonberg’s emotion-packed production features Bristol-area talent performing “I Dreamed a Dream,” “Who Am I,” “Stars,” and “On My Own.” With a cast of nearly 60 on the Paramount stage you will “... hear the people sing…” dramatic company numbers like “At the End of the Day,” “Master of the House,” “The People’s Song,” and the stirring “One Day More.”

With entertaining choreography, period costume and set design, and beautiful music, Theatre Bristol will bring this Victor Hugo story to life. In 19th century France, Jean Valjean is released from 19 years of unjust imprisonment, but finds nothing in store for him but mistrust and mistreatment.

He breaks his parole in hopes of starting a new life, initiating a lifelong struggle for redemption as he is relentlessly pursued by police inspector Javert, who refuses to believe Valjean can change his ways. Finally, during the Paris student uprising of 1832, Javert must confront his ideals after Valjean spares his life and saves that of the student revolutionary who has captured the heart of Valjean’s adopted daughter (Music Theatre International).

Director Glenn Patterson elaborates, “At its heart, Les Misérables is a story of redemption and the ability of mercy to transform even

Miserables ......

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Brinley Addington Hometown Throwdown Returns

for Third Year To Benefit Children’s Miracle Network Children receiving high-quality care at Wellmont Health System hospitals will benefit from the benevolence of a locally grown country music artist who is again hosting a concert to raise funds for these facilities.

The third annual Brinley Addington Hometown Throwdown, presented by First Kingsport Credit Union [3], will be held Saturday, June 20, at the Kingsport Farmers Market on Clinchfield Street near Food City in downtown Kingsport.

Addington, a rising country music star who was reared in the city, will be the opening act, followed by Chuck Wicks, who burst onto the Nashville music scene in 2007 with his Top 5 hit “Stealing Cinderella” and has enjoyed a diverse entertainment career in succeeding years.

Gates will open at 6 p.m., and the concert will begin at 7 p.m.

The event will be a fundraiser for Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals, for which Wellmont is

the affiliate in Northeast Tennessee and Southwest Virginia. All money raised by this national charity stays local, and Wellmont uses the funds to buy state-of-the-art equipment for its pediatric departments, birthing units, neonatal intensive care unit and emergency departments and to fund community partnerships that advance children’s health.

Wellmont will use Children’s Miracle Network donations to add room and services to its NICU in the coming months.

“We have enjoyed the opportunity the last three years to make a positive difference in children’s lives by holding the hometown throwdown,” Addington said. “I am extremely excited this year to have someone of Chuck’s immense talent joining us for the event. We look forward to performing an energetic and fun show for the crowd and bolstering children’s care at all ages.”

Organizers, supporters and beneficiaries of the concert held a news conference Thursday, May 21, at the credit union to discuss the event and assistance it will provide children in the region. The credit union is serving as the concert’s title sponsor for the second straight year.

“It is a privilege for us to participate in the hometown throwdown, which has enhanced our region’s quality of life in a palpable way,” said Beverly Boling, the credit union’s CEO. “It is important to ensure children in our area receive excellent care, and this event and the star power behind it are helping make that a reality. We encourage the community to support this worthwhile cause.”

Since his initial hit, Wicks has continued to make his mark in the entertainment business, with releases of other songs, such as

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Throwdown ...... Continued from previous page “All I Ever Wanted” and “Man of the House.” Another song, “Old School,” spent 15 straight weeks on the Great American Country Top 20 Countdown. In 2013, he released his EP “Rough,” which reached the Top 10 on the iTunes country album charts.

Wicks co-hosts Cumulus’ “America’s Morning Show,” a show with Terri Clark, Blair Garner and Lee Ann Womack that features songs, interviews and news about country music lifestyles. He has also ventured into other media, appearing on multiple Outdoor Channel hunting shows and vignettes, including the “The Hunt Club,” which he hosts. Plus, he wrote and performed the theme song, was a featured hunter and was part of the pro hunting staff on the show “Huntin’ on Empty” on the Pursuit Channel.

Addington has shared the stage with acts such as The Band Perry, Florida Georgia Line, Justin Moore, Eli Young Band, Josh Turner, Thompson Square, Jerrod Niemann and Thomas Rhett.

He first introduced himself to country music in 2011 when he released his debut full-length album “Homegrown.” His sophomore album “Middle of Nowhere,” released in August, reached No. 16 on the iTunes country charts. Addington recently played at the Key West Songwriter’s Festival and will perform on the October excursion Country Cruising with Trace Adkins, Neal McCoy, Thompson Square, Parmalee and other topname country artists.

Todd Norris, Wellmont’s senior vice president for system advancement and Wellmont Foundation’s

president, said the hometown throwdown is a great community event.

“This is an excellent partnership between two musicians on the rise and Children’s Miracle Network to give our youth the best chance to thrive with their health,” Norris said. “We’re especially proud of Brinley for remembering the welfare of his home community and thank him for his commitment to bettering the community’s health.”

In addition to the credit union, major sponsors for the hometown throwdown are Saxon Clark/ Weichert Realtors, Fairway Ford, Courtesy Chevrolet, Price & Ramey Group, Food City and VIPSeen TriCities.

Additional sponsors are Berry’s Pharmacy; Carter-Trent Funeral Homes; Cave’s Drug Store; Diamond Exchange; East Lawn Funeral Home; Edwards, Tipton, Witt Agency; Freeman Productions; Golden Corral; Hamlett-Dobson Funeral Home; Hot Dog Hut; Jim Cline II with Farmers Insurance; Metro Travel; Rush Street Neighborhood Grill; Spoden & Wilson Consulting; Top Gun Cheerleading; and Valley View Animal Clinic.

Tickets can be purchased now for $10 in advance at the Food City stores on Clinchfield Street and Eastman Road in Kingsport, as well as the locations in Colonial Heights, Church Hill and Weber City, Virginia. They will also be available beginning the week of May 25 at First Kingsport Credit Union. Tickets can also be purchased for $12 at the gate. Children 10 and younger can attend for free.

DJ Hippo plays first-ever headlining show in Johnson City

Live Animals, John the Stranger support renown DJ at Poor Richards Campus AMH Productions is proud to present Rage The Night, featuring the nationally renown DJ Hippo, and Asheville-based musicians Live Animals and John the Stranger.

DJ Hippo will take the stage at Johnson City’s Poor Richard’s Campus on Friday, June 5. The doors open at 9 p.m. Tickets are $10 at the door, but for a limited time, tickets are discounted in advance.

DJ Hippo is 27-year-old Pittsburgh native Mike Borrebach. A household name among Bassnectar fans, Borrebach has amassed over 200,000 plays on Soundcloud with his six mixtapes, and although Bassnectar is the undeniable central inspiration for DJ Hippo’s mixing, he exhibits his own unique style of musical layering and genre-blending mashups.

He played his very first live show in April as direct support for G Jones, with his own production in the works.

Asheville native Live Animals fuses melody and harmony to create pure sonic force, exploring new

soundscapes and expanding the consciousness of sound. Between his West-coast hip hop influences and his entanglements in modern bass music, Live Animals creates a sound that transcends boundaries and blends genres, creating his own space on the map of the electronic dance music scene. Live Animals has performed alongside Random Rab, Cashmere Cat, Thriftworks, Russ Liquid, SaQi, Nadus, Skymatic and more, performing at the Masquerade in

Atlanta GA, New Mountain Asheville Theater, Asheville Music Hall, OneStop and more.

Opening the show is John the Stranger. With over 16 years of experience behind the decks, the list of collaborations and skills are countless. Each set is an eclectic mix of beautiful vocals, heavy bass frequencies and ground breaking samples.

Rage the Night is an 18+ event. http://on.fb.me/1K4r3Tl

Page 10, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

Steam Train Excursion Coming to the Tri-Cities/Southwest VA The Steam Train Excursion Tickets went on sale recently for June 27 and 28th. The trips sold out in about two weeks. Many people did not get a chance to purchase tickets till it was sold out. We have negotiated another Bristol to Radford steam excursion behind historic Southern steam locomotive 4501. The other two trips sold quicker than we could get the notices out in the newspaper, so here is your head start. The round trip excursion will run on Friday, June 26. Also for the first time a limited number of dome class tickets will be available for the best view anywhere! Don’t miss the train this time. These excursions by Norfolk Southern Corp partnering with the Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum and the Watauga Valley Railroad Historical Society & Museum On Friday, June 26, 2015 the Bristol to Radford, VA Special will bring out the glories of the season through the rolling Southwest Virginia hills while celebrating the grand return of 21st Century

Steam with historic steam locomotive Southern Railway #4501 from Tennessee Valley Railway Museum in Chattanooga. This rare opportunity is being offered to communities along Norfolk Southern lines for display and periodic excursions.

The train’s route will take you through historic Abingdon, home of the world famous Barter Theatre and the Martha Washington Inn. Nearby is the famous route of the Virginia Creeper. The excursion will wind through the Virginia highlands, passing Emory & Henry College, Marion and Wytheville then will travel down Pulaski Mountain through a tunnel, and into the town of Pulaski. The train will then steam into the New River Valley and on to Radford, VA, where passengers will be able to enjoy the town with its many restaurants, shops and museums.

The Friday trip to Radford will leave the Bristol, VA Train Station at 8 am.

The train will arrive in Radford at 12 noon. The train will depart Rad-

ford at 2:30 pm and arrive back in Bristol at 7:00pm.

Motive power for the Radford excursions will be steam locomotive Southern Railway #4501 built in 1911 (recently restored to service by TVRM in Chattanooga), with assistance from modern Norfolk Southern diesels as needed.)

For many passengers, these excursions will be a once-in –a-lifetime experience, not only to ride behind a steam locomotive, but also to see the hills and mountains from the unique perspective of the railroad while hearing the whistle echo in the hills and hollows of the beautiful Appalachian Region.

Ticket cost is Coach Class: $80 ~ Coach Class seating is provided in temperature controlled modern cars with fixed back seats.

Deluxe Coach: $95 ~ Deluxe Coach seating is provided in climate controlled vintage cars with reclining back seats. Under 3 years of age is no charge if not occupying a seat, no food included. Everyone age 3 & up requires a ticket. The Radford ticket does not include a meal only the train trip. The Bulls Gap ticket does include a box lunch along with the train trip.

Dome Car seats: $275.00- These seats are the best on the train offering a view overhead.

The train will include climate controlled heated and air conditioned cars along with rest rooms.

Tickets can be purchased by calling 423.894.8028 the Ticket officehours: Monday-Friday 10am-4pm or visit www.wataugavalleynrhs. org. Tickets are expected to go fast for this event, please order ASAP.

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Doe River Gorge’s Day Quest Adventure Begins Summer will be here before we know it and for anyone who is looking for the perfect adventure for family, church, club or business, Doe River Gorge’s Day Quest 2015 is the answer.

Beginning June 13 and running through Sept. 5, Day Quest is a fun-filled adventure that takes places every Saturday (except July 4) from 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. and features: • Ziplines and Blob • White Sand Beach • Swimming • Slackline and Basketball • Lake Inflatables and Obstacles • East Tennessee and Western North Carolina Railroad trek • 9-hole Disc Golf Course • Paintball • Horseback Riding

• Unimog • Skeet Shooting Cost for the all-day adventure is only $18 per person while children ages seven and under will be admitted free when accompanied by an adult. Admission includes all activities with the exception of horseback riding ($20 per person for one hour), paintball (equipment rental $5, $20 for 500 paintballs), skeet shooting ($10 for ages 10 and up) and UNIMOG 4x4 ($5 per person ages 4 and up). Lunch is $8 for adults and $4 for children.

There are age restrictions for most activities. Activities may be substituted during inclement weather and may be subject to change.

For more information, call (423) 725-4010 or visit the website athttp://www.doerivergorge.com/

Miserables ...... Continued from page 7

the hardest of hearts. But it also forces us to acknowledge that if we look for the worst we are sure to find it. Two characters, Valjean and Javert, stand in sharp contrast to each other. I think this is less so because they are on opposite sides of the law as it is because one of them, Valjean, allows the grace shown him to rescue him while the other, Javert, cannot understand it and his inability to accept it destroys him.”

Patterson continues, “My favorite line from the show is this, “To love another person is to see the face of God.” Les Miserables shows us many faces of love, sacrificial, self-less, deep and sometimes relentless. Even in the midst of the poverty, violence and hardship the characters often suffer, love is the final winner whenever it is shown and accepted. The novel on which the musical is based is powerful, and the musical is as well. It will be an extremely entertaining experience, and a moving one as well.”

“Putting together a show like this one is a huge undertaking, even in the largest organizations,” said Patterson. “For a theatre where everyone is a volunteer this is doubly true. It takes a great deal of dedication and tremendous

amount of work to pull it together.

For 50 years, Theatre Bristol has drawn its strength from volunteers. To say the theatre wouldn’t exist without them has been true from the beginning, but even more so today.

“I feel extremely fortunate to be working with marvelous people like Samantha Gray, Jessica Flagg, Alyssa King, Jenny Carpenter, Camille Gray and Jessica Gamble in key staff positions. Without them, the production wouldn’t get very far. You will see the work of our talented actors, and we have a wonderful cast (Theatre Bristol Announces Cast), but more goes on backstage than most people realize. To make a show like this happen at all, much less to make it successful, requires everyone.

It requires sacrifice, hard work and a lot of dedication. In the end, though, it’s well worth it.”

Theatre Bristol presents a new production of BOUBLIL and SCHÖNBERG’S LES MISÉRABLES, licensed by Music Theatre International (MTI) by arrangement with CAMERON MACKINTOSH LTD. Founded in 1965, Theatre Bristol is the oldest continually running children’s theatre in northeast Tennessee and now celebrating its

dayquest.php

For those who would like to spend a little more time at Doe River Gorge, the Endless Summer Get-A-Way package is available on the weekends of Aug 8, 15, 22, 29 and Sept. 5. The weekend package begins on Friday evening with the first of two nights in a luxurious lodge, cabin or unique railway cars and continues with all-day activities on Saturday. Three meals are provided on Saturday, as well as Sunday morning breakfast.

Prices vary depending on lodging and may be found on the website at http://www.doerivergorge. com/endless_summer.php

50th season. Its Main Stage season consists of up to five productions.

Some of its performances take place in the ARTspace, a multipurpose, black box theatre which seats up to 120, and major productions are performed at the Paramount Center for the Arts. Theatre Bristol is entirely volunteer run and we invite you to get involved.

Listed on the National Register of Historic Places, the Paramount Center for the Arts is an excellent example of the art deco motion picture palaces built in the late 1920’s and early 30’s. The restoration retained the Paramount’s opulent, richly embellished interior. The original Venetian-styled murals and the art deco ambience were faithfully recreated. The auditorium holds 744 with 5 wheelchair locations. You’ll feel as though you are a part of the performance from every seat in the theatre.

For more information, visit www.theatrebristol.org, like TheatreBristolTN on Facebook, call 423-383-5979, or email info@ theatrebristol.org. For tickets and more information, visit www. paramountcenter.com, call 423274-8920, like Paramount Center on Facebook, or email paramounttickets@btes.tv.

Page 12, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

Arts & Culture Alliance Partners with Tipton

Gallery in Johnson City to present “Knoxville Now” For the third year in a row, the Arts & Culture Alliance of Greater Knoxville is proud to partner with a community-based art gallery in the Southeast for the purpose of promoting local artists within each community. From June 5-25, 2015, the Tipton Gallery in Johnson City, TN will host 35 works of various media by Arts & Culture Alliance members in a new exhibition entitled “Knoxville Now”.

“Similar to the Alliance, the Tipton Gallery promotes and supports regional artists through rotating exhibitions and educational opportunities for the community,” says Liza Zenni, Executive Director of the Arts & Culture Alliance.

“While many of our artist members are well known here in the Knoxville area, we want Johnson City to be exposed to their work, and we look forward to Johnson City artists receiving extra exposure here in Knoxville.”

Karlota I. Contreras-Koterbay, Director of Slocumb & Tipton Gal-

leries at East Tennessee State University, selected works from the Arts & Culture Alliance’s annual Members Show at the Emporium this past December to travel to Johnson City. “Knoxville Now” will be exhibited at the Tipton Gallery, 126 Spring Street in downtown Johnson City, from June 5-25 and opens with a reception on FirstFriday, June 5, from 5:00-8:00 PM. Gallery hours are SaturdaySunday, June 6-7, 12:00-5:00 PM during the Blue Plum Music & Arts Festival (www.blueplum. org) and Thursdays from 4:00-6:00 PMthroughout the month of June.

For more information about Tipton Gallery, call (423) 483-3179 or visit http://www.etsu.edu/cas/ art/slocumb/.

Artists included in the exhibition are: Elaine Barnes, Yvonne Bartholomew-Thomas, Mark Bender, Ryan Blair, Bruce Bunting, Antuco Chicaiza, Claudia Dean, Mary Dodge, Brandon Douglas, Marty Elmer, Judi Gas-

ton, Terina Gillette, Marta Goebel-Pietrasz, Carl Gombert, Jerry L. Hagaman, Hannah C. Holder, Kathy Holland, Julie Jack, Barbara Johnson, Diana Kilburn, Kate McCullough, Roy McCullough, Sharon B. Monett, Gloria Nelson, John Patterson, Elizabeth Porter, Julie Rabun, Norma Riegle, Mary Ruden, Dennis Sabo, Jenny Snead, Denise Stewart-Sanabria, Robert H. Thompson, Coral Turner, and Lida Rice Waugh.

In exchange, the Arts & Culture Alliance will present an exhibition of works of various media by faculty of the Department of Art & Design at East Tennessee State University at the Emporium from August 7-29, 2015.

Top photo: “Our Land” (mixed media)

by Antuco Chicaiza, Bottom Photo: “Reaching Out” (photographic metal print)

by Dennis Sabo

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June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 13

Celebrate National Trails Day and Clean the Bay Day

With more than 500 miles of trails, there’s no better place in Virginia to celebrate National Trails Day on June 6 than Virginia State Parks.

Whether hiking, biking, paddling or horseback riding, all state parks will offer special events or activities geared towards trails.

State parks in the Chesapeake Bay watershed will also mark the 27th annual Clean the Bay Day with special activities.

National Trails Day is sponsored by the American Hiking Society.

Activities across Virginia include:

High Bridge Trail State Park in Farmville offers the annual 5K, “Run for Your Life.” Sky Meadows State Park in Delaplane has a special horseback ride planned for riders who bring their own horse.

Also at Sky Meadows, cyclists looking for a new challenge can join Element Sports of Winchester for a ride on the multi-use trails at the base of the Blue Ridge back-

in a Virginia State Park, June 6

country.

Pocahontas State Park in Chesterfield is offering three different hikes throughout the day. Grayson Highlands in Mouth of Wilson will offer different experiences, including a 9-mile trek on the Appalachian Trail to Mount Rogers, the highest point in Virginia, and trail maintenance on the Cabin Creek Trail.

Natural Tunnel in Duffield offers a canoe trip on the Clinch River, a historic hike, a wild cave tour and a night hike to demonstrate different trail experiences. New River Trail State Park partners with Mike McMillion, owner and head Bike Mechanic of Pulaski Bikes LLC, for a demonstration of basic road and trail side maintenance.

State parks will also offer opportunities to help maintain trails and improve the water quality of the Chesapeake Bay. At Staunton River Battlefield, in Randolph,

there will be work on the initial layout and construction of a new trail around Mulberry Hill Pond.

At James River State Park in Gladstone, float along the James River to Treasure Island. Visitors can earn a free wagon ride by collecting 15 pieces of trash. At First Landing State Park in Virginia Beach, volunteers will clear debris from Bald Cypress swamps, Broad Bay and the beach along the Chesapeake Bay. Read the details of these and other programs here: http://bit. ly/2015NTD. Some activities require advance registration.

Virginia State Parks are managed by the Virginia Department of Conservation and Recreation.

For more information about state park activities and amenities, or to make cabin or camping reservations, call the Virginia State Parks Customer Service Center at 800-933-7275 or visitwww.virginiastateparks.gov.

Grayson Highlands State Park

829 Grayson Highland Ln., Mouth of Wilson, VA 24363 Phone: 276-579-7092 9 a.m. – 9 p.m.

Hungry Mother State Park 2854 Park Blvd., Marion, VA 24354 Phone: 276-781-7400 10 a.m. – 3 p.m.

Natural Tunnel State Park

1420 Natural Tunnel Pkwy., Duffield, VA 24244 Phone: 276-940-2674 9 a.m. – 6 p.m.

Southwest Virginia Museum

10 West First St., Big Stone Gap, VA 24219 Phone: 276-523-1322 10 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Wilderness Road State Park

8051 Wilderness Rd., Ewing, VA 24248 Phone: 276-445-3065 1 p.m. – 3 p.m.

Page 14, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

Barter’s Mary Lucy Bivins Directs Latest Comedy “Southern Fried Nuptials,” a hysterical family comedy, comes to Barter Theatre beginning June 4, under the direction of Mary Lucy Bivins, a patrons’ favorite of the Barter Resident Acting Company.

In this Southern play, the Frye family prepares for the wedding of Atticus Van Leer and Harline Frye.

With an on-again and off-again relationship, Atticus and Harline leave the audience to question whether the wedding will happen or not.

“Southern Fried Nuptials” is written by Osborne and Eppler, the playwrights of “Southern Fried Funeral,” which played at Barter Theatre in 2013. Both plays feature the Frye family and the same zany sense of humor, but each work has an independent storyline.

Director Mary Lucy Bivins says, “In approaching this new play from the authors of ‘Southern Fried Funeral,’ it has been important not to pick up where the previous play left off, but rather to examine what might have changed in the lives of these characters over the last two years.” Bivins, who also directed “Southern Fried Funeral,” has found that “letting go of one’s past is not always easy.” Full of surprises, the Southern Fried family will bring audiences to laughter yet again.

Harline Frye and Atticus Van Leer will be played by Carrie Smith Lewis and Justin Tyler Lewis, both members of the Barter Resident Acting Company, who happen to be a married couple in real life.

Carrie Smith Lewis says, “Acting alongside your spouse creates an interesting kind of chemistry that I think the audience will be able to feel as they watch the production.”

Other actors who will be featured in “Southern Fried Nuptials” include: Tricia Matthews, Zacchaeus Kimbrell, Paris Bradstreet, Kate

Denson, Andrew Hampton Livingston, Holly Williams, Sean Maximo Campos, Michael Poisson and even director Mary Lucy Bivins.

Many of the actors in “Southern Fried Nuptials” will reprise their roles from “Southern Fried Funeral.”

“Southern Fried Nuptials” is made possible by corporate sponsor Food City. Barter Theatre is funded in part by The Virginia Commission for the Arts and The National Endowment for the Arts.

Main Street Jonesborough Program is set to host a new event series geared towards craft beer enthusiasts featuring regional bands and local food. Main Street Brews and Tunes will take place in downtown Jonesborough on Sundays, June through September, from 3 to 5 p.m.

Main Street Brews and Tunes will officially kick off Sunday, June 7 at 3 p.m. at the plaza located in front of the International Storytelling Center. The first event in the series will feature craft beer from Depot Street Brewery and music from Matt Sanders.

The popular Noli Food Truck will also be on site from 1 to 5 p.m. for the duration of the series serving fresh southern style tacos and barbecue. Main Street Brews and Tunes will feature a different regional brewery every Sunday offering 3 selections of beer, as well as a different band. Music will range from genres including Indie, Americana, Folk and more.

Several downtown businesses will also be extending their hours as part of the Main Street Brews and Tunes series on Sundays in Jonesborough. Most shops will be open from 1-5 pm.

Admission to the event is free and open to the public. Prices for pints of craft beer will be $5.00.

Main Street Brews and Tunes is hosted by Main Street Jonesborough, Tipton Street Pub, Main Street Café, Noli Food Truck and sponsored by Chuggernaut sold exclusively at Roadrunner Markets.

For additional information on Jonesborough’s Main Street Brews and Tunes Event Series visit Main Street Jonesborough on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter or email melindac@jonesboroughtn.org.

Harline Frye and Atticus Van Leer share a wedding toast from their southern fried chicken cake.

Main Street Jonesborough Comes Alive with Brews and Tunes

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June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 15

Charles Foster Ross

It’s important to have a game plan in life, as such, I already have an idea for what will happen when I age into a recluse. If all goes to plan, I suspect I should reach full recluse stage by the time I reach 60. It will be a gradual transition, I won’t just wake up one day and become completely shut off from the world. Nor do I plan to have no outside contact at all during my recluse years.

After a major success, I’ll show the first sign that I may live the recluse life by buying a 1920s mansion. Then the parties will come.

Cook outs, an annual Christmas party that all look forward to attending—with an exclusive invite list. There will be wonderful times had by everyone, and I will appreciate being able to entertain friends and loved ones. But then I’ll begin to show another sign of my new lifestyle in my late 40s. Slowly, I won’t have as many parties as I used to, nor will I accept as many invites to dinner as I once did.

Come my late 50s, I will have had three failed marriages, other failed relationships, and I will find that I have a growing dislike to being around people. The sign that will cause my inner circle to become deeply concerned is when I cancel the annual Christmas party. There will a select few who I still invite over, but come age 60, I will be a full blown recluse. My complexion will change, no doubt. I think I will aim for a less frightening version of Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?”

I’ll have some assistants who’ll do all my grocery shopping for me, and I’ll have a team who helps clean my estate. I’ll wander around looking frail while they work, pausing to ask the occasional question. “Was it warm today? Did the wind blow gently from the East?”

News will spread about my increasingly secluded life, and the media will begin to refer to me as “Grey Gardens Ross.”

The few friends I allow to come see me will try to tip toe around my condition, but in their cars on the way to their houses they’ll all say things like “Sad, really. I wish he’d let us take him out to the waffle hut. He used to love to go there.”

When I pass from this Earth, I will be surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses, who will all wonder

why the very last word I utter in this life will be “Zither.”

Yes, I think this a smashing plan for my life. It’s nice to have a road map, even if life doesn’t want to play along with it. I’m already in the market for my mansion to spend my days in. Maybe I will just settle for a small ranch house, or a large ranch in Montana where I can spend my days wandering my property and fixing my sprinkler system. Yeah. That’s the ticket. See you next week.

Page 16, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

www.theloaferonline.com

June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 17

Page 18, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

KARAOKE TUESDAY - June 2 JASON LLOYD & FRIENDS at Biggie’s Clam Bar

IAN FITZGERALD w/ KRISTA BARONI

FRIDAY - June 5 OPEN MIC

at Acoustic Coffeehouse

DUGGAR BAND

8pm at Acoustic Coffeehouse

7pm at Sonny’s Marina & Cafe SHOOTER 7pm at State Line Bar & Grill

6pm at Sonny’s Cafe

8pm at Bone Fire Smokehouse

Dan Herrell

WEDNESDAY - June 3 OPEN MIC

7pm at The Willow Tree Coffeehouse & Music Room

Dan Herrell

7pm at Sonny’s Cafe

SAILOR

at Acoustic Coffeehouse

THURSDAY - June 4

LAWSONGARRETT

5pm at Cindy Saadeh Fine Art

SILVER BULLET

at Holiday Inn (exit 7)

BAKERSFIELD (Country)

at Washington County Moose Lodge

at Carter Family Fold

7pm at David Thompson’s Produce

5IVE MOR

ROAD TRIPP

BORDERLINE

EC FRAZIER

9pm at The Mecca Lounge 7pm at Marker “2” Grill

KEEP ON THE SUNNYSIDE

at Country Club Bar & Grill at Triple B Brewery

CARINA POINT

at Bone Fire Smokehouse

BART WALKER BAND

RAE HERRING HEYDAY REVIVAL

SOUTHERN COUNTRYMEN BAND (Country)

DAISI RAIN

at Carter Family Fold at Biggie’s Clam Bar

at Country Club Bar & Grill

Thursday Jams 7pm at Abingdon Market Pavilion

RUBBERHOES

SUNDOWN BAND

DJ LILLEY

NORA JANE STRUTHERS & THE PARTY LINE

at Biggie’s Clam Bar

LETTERS TO ABIGAIL

at The Outdoorsman

7pm at Sonny’s Cafe

WOUNDED WARRIOR & TC-MAC BENEFIT

MOUNTAIN PARK OLD TIME BAND

JAZZ

at Wellington’s - Carnegie Hotel

7pm at Buffalo Ruritan Club

COAL CREEK & BIG DON

at Acoustic Coffeehouse at Blue Plum Festival

TOBY JUGG BAND

at The Kingsport Civic Auditorium

SATURDAY - June 6

SUNDAY - June 7

CATFISH FRYE BAND

ADAM CHURCH

(Rockin’ Boogie Blues) 7pm at Sonny’s Marina & Cafe

SOUTHERN COUNTRYMEN BAND (Country)

6pm at Sonny’s Marina & Cafe

KEEP ON THE SUNNYSIDE

at Carter Family Fold

7pm at Marker “2” Grill

9pm at Handle Bar & Grill

IVY ROAD

at Bone Fire Smokehouse

7pm at The Showpalace

LIVE MUSIC

THE BAND CONCORD KEEP ON THE SUNNYSIDE at Carter Family Fold

IRA WOLF w/ MY POLITIC JAKE & THE COMET CONDUCTORS w/ BLUE STONE at The Acoustic Coffeehouse

SHOOTER

SUNDOWN

1pm at Food City, Weber City 7pm at Willoughby Ruritan

ASYLUM SUITE

7pm at Marker “2” Grill

NIGHTSHIFT

(Country, Southern Rock, Oldies)

at Marker “2” Grill at Bone Fire Smokehouse

LAUREN PRATT

at Acoustic Coffeehouse

MONDAY - June 8 OPEN MIC

at Acoustic Coffeehouse

TUESDAY Karaoke At Numan’s - Johnson City TN *********************** WEDNESDAY Karaoke w/ Absolute Entertainment at Marker “2” Grille Karaoke At Bristol VFW - Bristol TN Turn the Page Karaoke At VFW Post 2108 - Johnson City TN *********************** THURSDAY Karaoke At Numan’s - Johnson City TN Karaoke w/ Absolute Entertainment at Electric Cowboy - Johnson City TN Turn the Page Karaoke At Holiday Inn - Johnson City TN Karaoke w/ Absolute Entertainment At Everette’s Bar & Grille Johnson City TN *********************** FRIDAY Karaoke At Bristol VFW - Bristol TN Karaoke w/ Absolute Entertaiment at Rainbow Asian Cuisine Johnson City TN Turn the Page Karaoke at VFW Post 2108 - Johnson City TN Karaoke At Elizabethton VFW Elizabethton TN Karaoke w/ DJ Marques At Holiday Inn (Exit 7) - Bristol VA Karaoke At Numan’s - Johnson City TN *********************** SATURDAY Turn the Page Karaoke at VFW Post 2108 - Johnson City TN Karaoke At Numan’s - Johnson City TN *********************** SUNDAY Karaoke w/ Absolute Entertainment at Mellow Mushroom Johnson City TN Karaoke w/ Absolute Entertainment At Everette’s Bar & Grille Johnson City TN

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June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 19

Toby Jugg joins forces with Second Harvest Food Bank. Saturday June 6th,.Toby Jugg will host a concert to help Second Harvest collect canned food items for families throughout the region. The Kingsport Civic Auditorium will be alive with the music of Toby Jugg, also appearing Special Guest “The Jones Boys” and “Lightnin Charlie”. Toby Jugg finished a 2014 reunion tour in December, that had them in several different cities. After a break to do studio work on their latest release and make a change in their lineup, get ready for, Toby Juggs (Rock, Stock and Barrel Tour). Just back from Nashville where they preformed on the Jimmie Van Zant Freedom of Hope Tour, Tobys ready to rock their home town friends and fans. Ticket are $8.00 in advance $10.00 day of show. Tickets can be purchased at Musik Alley on Boone’s Creek Road in Gray/Johnson City or Morrell Music in Kingsport. Tickets can also be purchased at the door for $9.00 day of show,with a canned food donation to second harvest food band. Food items are to be collected at the door only day of show. Doors open at 6PM show starts at 7PM. Come ready to rock Southern Style with Toby Jugg and Friends. Looking forward to seeing you there. Come early/stay late. Check’em out on FB TobyJuggBand or Reverbnation.

Spotlight Directory Abingdon Moose Lodge 15605 Porterfield Hwy Abgindon VA 276/628-2756

Acoustic Coffeehouse 415 W Walnut St. Johnson City 423/434.9872 Biggies Clam Bar 417 W Stone Dr Kingsport 423/765-9633 Bone Fire Smokehouse at the Hardware 260 W Main St Abingdon Va 276/623-0037 Bristol’s Pickin’ Porch 620 State St Bristol 423/573-2262 Buffalo Ruritan 200 Willowbrook Dr. Bluff City 423/391-7382 Carter Family Fold 3449 A. P. Carter Hwy Hiltons Va 276/594-0676

Country Club Bar & Grill 3080 W State St Bristol 423/844-0400

David Thompson’s Produce 251 Highway 107 Jonesborough 423/913-8123

Holiday Inn (Exit 7) 3005 Linden Dr Bristol Va 276/466-4100 Marker “2’ Grill at Lakeview Marina 474 Lakeside Dock, Kingsport 423/323-4665 The Mecca Lounge 117 Spring St Johnson City 423/928-9360 The Outdoorsman 4535 Highway 11W Kingsport Show Palace 14364 Lee Hwy Bristol Va 276/494-6610

Sonny’s Marina & Café 109 One St. Gray TN 423/283-4014 State Line Bar & Grill 644 State Street Bristol 423/652-0792

Triple B Brewery 935 Wilcox Ct. #105 Kingsport 423/963-3609 Wellington’s Restaurant Carnegie Hotel 1216 W State of Franklin Rd Johnson City • 423/979-6400 Willoughby Ruritan 5145 Marvin Rd Bulls Gap Va

Page 20, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

Sex on the Moon .... and More!

“When the Moon’s in the sky like a big pizza pie, that’s Amore.”

Amore sung by Dean Martin

There are a lot of strange things that I love about the Moon, and even stranger things that have happened to the rocks taken off the lunar surface by men and machines.

And that includes confirmed sex on the Moon…but not exactly what you might think!

The lunar bounty from the American moon voyages more than 40 years ago include 847 pounds of assorted rocks, six-foot deep “core samples” from a dozen drill tubes, and handfuls of soil finer than talcum powder.

Of the lunar samples, More than 700 pounds of alien soil is locked up in the specially built Lunar Sample Laboratory at NASA’s Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. A smaller collection is stored at White Sands Test Facility in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Most of the rocks are stored in nitrogen to keep them free of moisture, and they are handled indirectly with

gloves and sterile room conditions so they are not contaminated.

America has freely shared with the scientific community the spoils of our victory over the Soviet Union in the 1960s Moon Race. Universities, laboratories and observatories around the world have been loaned moon rocks for analysis. Space program educators and teachers numbering in the hundreds have been loaned a thumb-sized lunar rock encased in clear plastic for demonstrations and pass-around.

And there are dozens of moon rocks on display in museums and science centers around the world.

Two other sources of Moon materials are the 11 ounces brought back by three robotic mission of the Soviet Union in the 1970s; the other source is meteorites that are found on Earth after being blasted off the Moon millions—maybe billions— of years ago.

So we know exactly what the

Moon is composed of, and for all you chemist types, here is the chemical makeup of lunar soil: Oxygen 40% Silicon 20% Iron 12% Calcium 8.5% Aluminum 7% Magnesium 5% Titanium 5% traces of Sodium, Chromium, Manganese, Potassium, Sulfur and Carbon.

The first moon rocks held in human hands belong to the 47 pounds brought back by Apollo 11 in July 1969. When Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin opened for the first time the aluminum box of rocks inside their moonship, they said it smelled like gun smoke. Which make sense when you see the

violently smashed surface of the Moon.

President Richard Nixon oddly reaped the glory of the first Moon landing, talking to the Apollo 11 astronauts as they worked on the surface. The irony is political nemesis President John F. Kennedy challenged America to go to the Moon, yet Nixon’s signature is on the commemorative plaque left on each of the six launch platforms at the Apollo landing sites.

The planting of the American flag by the American astronauts was met with some objections by nations around the world, implying a territorial conquest. But that was not the intent of the US, though the Moon Race with the USSR was a real test of superiority in the eyes of the rest of the world.

To ease the world’s perception of America conquering the Moon, President Nixon used his political influence and gave away chunks of the Moon in 1973. The President told NASA to prepare plaques with several grams of Moon rocks securely attached in an acrylic sphere, which also included the recipients’ flag which was flown in space.

In fact, the “Goodwill Moon Rock” displays were given to 135 countries and all 50 American states. There were another 85 lunar displays made, given to friends and world dignitaries.

Sadly, about 160 of the Goodwill Moon Rocks have been stolen or misplaces. Among the missing are Delaware, New Jersey, Brazil, Canada, Cyprus, Ireland, Malta, Nicaragua, Romania, Spain and Sweden.

There’s no telling where these missing Moon rocks have ended up. They are the biggest celebrities amongst gem collectors, and there is definitely a black market for them. And there have been some thefts uncovered, one involving a sting on the Honduras lunar rock where undercover agents offered $4 million.

But the most famous Moon rock heist involved a young space engineer who promised his girlfriend “the Moon” and delivered.

In 2002, 24-year-old Thad Roberts stole 100 grams (3.5 ounces) of lunar samples from the Houston Lunar Lab, scattered them under on a hotel bed and made love to his girlfriend The famous episode is chronicled in the book Sex on the Moon: The Amazing Story Behind the Most

Audacious Heist in History by Ben Mezrich. And there are several documentaries shown on television.

In a nutshell, intern Thad Roberts not only stole a dozen Moon rocks out of the Houston Lunar Lab, but he did it by taking the whole safe they were stored in!

The Moon burglar’s accomplices included his his girlfriend (who has married) and two other interns. While in negotiations with a Belgian rock collector (which was a sting), Roberts took his girlfriend to a chain motel room where he had placed the Moon rocks under the mattress of the bed. On July 20, 2002, the 33rd anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, the fugitive couple made love on the bed of Moon rocks.

But the thrill was short-lived when arrested the next day. Roberts served six years in prison for his fulfilled fantasy of having sex on the Moon!

Other known lunar rock thefts include a set of six fragments used for educational programs at the Louisiana Science and Nature Center, and a collection of Moon rocks stolen from the company van while parked in the driveway of a NASA education specialist in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

There are definitely legal Moon rocks for sale about the size of a grain of sand that came from a lunar meteorite. (as well as a microgram of Mars from Martian meteorites).

So just how much does a Moon rock cost?

We can do a little math with the 947 pounds of Moon and the agreed upon $40 billion in 1960s dollars for the cost of NASA’s manned space programs of Mercury, Gemini and Apollo.

That breaks down to $47.25 million per pound or $2.9 million per ounce or $105,414 per gram of the Apollo booty. In the context of 2015 dollars, you could multiply the figures by ten.

But the cost is not the bottom line when it comes to the Apollo moon rocks. The spin-offs from the need to invent new technologies are the real treasure of the incredible Moon Race of the 1960s.

The conquest of the Moon led to all the conveniences of today’s 21st Century world. And the precious souvenirs of the Moon are exotic reminders that mankind will continue to reach for new alien worlds…and hold it in our hands

www.theloaferonline.com

June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 21

Celestial events in the skies for the week of June 2- June 8, 2015 as compiled for The Loafer by Mark D. Marquette.

Summer is officially three weeks away, and we are already experiencing the benefits of extended daylight to enjoy our outdoor activities. The Moon makes a big impression this week as it is full phase and beautiful on these warm, late Spring evenings. The Moon makes a low arc across the southern Zodiac, tinting the globe with golden light as it filters through the Earth’s atmosphere.

This honey colored Moon might be responsible for the social term “honeymoon” for the frolicking nights of newlyweds married in the popular month of June.

Tues. June 3

Full Moon is tonight, and it has many names including Rose Moon and Flower Moon. The Moon is in the feet of Ophiuchus the Serpent Bearer, just above Scorpius. Yet this large man with the strange name is not part of the Zodiac.

But Ophiuchus (pronounced “oFEW-cus”) is clearly the 13th constellation that sometimes harbors the Sun, Moon and planets. Enjoy some great photo opportunities with the Moon rising against our beautiful mountain landscapes.

brilliant planet Venus and bright yellow Jupiter are dazzling in the western sky. Watch over the next weeks as the two planets creep closer to each other and almost merge as one “star” on the night of June 30th. This spectacular conjunction of the second and fifth planets is merely a line-of-sight Wed. June 4 Even in the moonlight, the alignment as Venus is 22 million

miles away and Jupiter more than 600 million miles distant.

Thurs. June 5

You won’t see it, but dwarf planet Pluto is just three degrees away from the Moon at the 5 o’clock position in the constellation Sagittarius. In just six weeks, the NASA spacecraft New Horizons will speed by this 2,000-mile mystery

and its five moons. Mark down that July 15th date as new images of Pluto up close and personal will be available after the data travels the 4 billion miles in around 6 hours.

Sat. June 7

Venus is at its farthest point above the western horizon, called “greatest eastern elongation” from the Sun. It’s a whopping 45 degrees from the Sun—that’s half Fri. June 6 way up the horizon from directly Happy 83rd birthday to Apollo overhead. Venus is getting bright15 moonwalker David Scott. He er and can cast a shadow, setting no doubt will look at the Moon around 11:30 pm. this week and think of his lunar Sun. June 8 journey with James Irwin, deCheck NASA or SpaceWeather ceased. They rode the first Lunar on the Internet for times when the Rover next to the edge of an an- International Space Station passes cient lava river and Hadley Moun- overhead. tains in July 1971.

Page 22, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

Nashville Artists

to Perform in Johnson City

Thursday, June 4th | 8pm | The Acoustic Coffeehouse

Ira Wolf

Photo by: Dennis Webber Photography

Hailing from the mountains of Montana, Ira Wolf’s delicate voice, honest lyrics, and authentic americana melodies are hard to ignore in Nashville, TN, where she’s quickly made a name for herself as a newfolk artist. Mesmerizing audiences and producers alike, this rising recording artist has performed on stages across the U.S., and is currently promoting her debut album, Fickle Heart.

Website: http://www.irawolfmusic.com Social Media: http://www.facebook.com/irawolfmusic

MPCC offering speed, agility classes for athletes

Memorial Park Community Center, 510 Bert St., will offer a free summer-long speed and agility program for athletes in middle school through college who want to improve their quickness-explosion and lateral movement. Taught by retired coach Jim Hastings, the program will offer intense interval training to improve skills.

Classes will be held from 5-6 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, June 1 through Aug. 21. This program is limited to 24 participants. For more information and to sign up, call 434-5749.

My Politic

With moving lyrics and unforgettable harmonies, My Politic is quickly taking over the acoustic-folk world. Originally from small-town, Missouri, these boys have found a home in the underground scene of Nashville, Tennessee, where they thrive in house show and intimate venue settings. With a sound comparable to artists like Milk Carton Kids and The Avett Brothers, My Politic is a name to watch for.

Website: http://mypoliticmusic.blogspot.com/ Social Media: https://www.facebook.com/mypoliticmusic

www.theloaferonline.com

June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 23

Lamp Make-Over

Often I have old, lackluster things sitting around that are perfectly usable; they just need a proverbial new coat of paint.

These projects aren’t just regular DIYs. They’re RIYs: Redo It Yourself.

Some of my favorite DIY makeovers are for furniture. So, this week, I took a small piece of furniture and transformed it in a big way.

Because lamps are a bedroom staple, I decided to give my own a restyling that can be adjusted for any other lamp or room that you desire.

The original lamp had a translucent pink base and gold fabric shade with some chevron cloth detailing. I wanted the base of my new lamp to be the teal blue color of my bedding and the shade to be glittery, like lamps from Bed Bath & Beyond that cost $25 and up.

My RIY lamp cost me less than $10 to create. If you don’t have a lamp you would like to makeover, you can buy one at Goodwill for less than $5 and still pay less for this project than the real thing.

Most importantly, you’ll want to do this DIY outdoors.

I decided to paint the base of my lamp first, although you can do this project in any order. You may also want to remove your lampshade from your base for both steps of the DIY. I did not, but I would probably make painting the base easier.

I used teal acrylic paint that I bought for a dollar at Walmart and a 2” foam brush that I already had; it only costs 50 cent. The hardest part of painting your base is to cover the tiny corners on the top and bottom of the lamp. The foam makes this much easier than a paintbrush because it has flat, wedged edges. Initially, I coated

each side of the base once, leaving visible streaks and holes. By the time you’ve done each side once, your first side will be dry enough to paint on another coat. I painted about 4 coats on each side, sometimes less.

In order to create a flat surface to apply glitter too, I cut the details off of my lampshade with a pair of scissors. If your lamp requires a similar step, don’t worry that it may look messy or damaged after cutting. You will cover it all with glitter.

To apply the glitter, you must

create a glitter paste. I poured about 4oz of glitter into 5oz of Gloss Mod Podge. Once it is all stirred into a paste, it’s ready to apply. I cleaned the foam brush and used it to apply the glitter as well. I did around 3 coats of glitter paste, waiting for each layer to dry before the next.

Check to see if there are any thin spaces in the glitter by plugging the lamp in and turning it on.

If light shines through, apply another layer in those spaces. If not, you’re ready to enjoy your cheap, new décor

Page 24, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

In Theaters Now

Box Office Top 10 Tomorrowland (2015)

“Tomorrowland” “Tomorrowland” is one of those films that provides a thought provoking message of which you don’t really pick up on until the film is almost concluded. The Disney film is described as a science fiction/mystery/adventure film, and contains plenty of the aforementioned throughout the story. The film is the tale of former boy genius Frank Walker (George Clooney), and his interactions with a man named David Nix (Hugh Laurie), the leader of Tomorrowland, Casey Newton (Britt Robertson), a tech-smart teen, and Athena (Raffey Cassidy), a AudioAnimatronic droid. How do all these characters become involved?

Well, Frank’s relationship with David and Athena began when, as a child, he visited the 1964 New York World’s Fair. Frank presented a jetpack he built for Mr. Nix to inspect, and after Nix rejects the invention, Frank meets Athena, who unknown to him at the time, is a “recruiter” for Tomorrowland.

You see, Tomorrowland is in another dimension, and was discovered in the past by Thomas Edison and Jules Verne, among others. The famous inventors were founders of Plus Ultra, a group of dreamers and inventors who hoped to shape a better future for mankind. As a kid, Frank was taken to Tomorrowland, and discovers what a fantastic place has been created by the inventors and dreamers of the world. Flash forward to the present day, and the character of Casey enters the story, after she discovers a pin, that when touched by certain people, transports them to Tomorrowland. Casey is able to briefly explore Tomorrowland, until she realizes the pin she has is limiting her time in the futuristic

Bound by a shared destiny, a teen bursting with scientific curiosity and a former boy-genius inventor embark on a mission to unearth the secrets of a place somewhere in time and space that exists in their collective memory.

Pitch Perfect 2 (2015)

After a humiliating command performance at Lincoln Center, the Barden Bellas enter an international competition that no American group has ever won in order to regain their status and right to perform.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

The Age of Adaline (2015)

A young woman, born at the turn of the 20th century, is rendered ageless after an accident. After many solitary years, she meets a man who complicates the eternal life she has settled into.

Hot Pursuit (2015)

An uptight and by-the-book cop tries to protect the outgoing widow of a drug boss as they race through Texas pursued by crooked cops and murderous gunmen.

Furious Seven (2015)

Deckard Shaw seeks revenge against Dominic Toretto and his family for his comatose brother.

In a stark desert landscape where humanity is broken, two Far from the rebels just might be able to restore Madding Crowd (2015) order: Max, a man of action and of In Victorian England, the infew words, and Furiosa, a woman dependent and headstrong Bathof action who is looking to make it sheba Everdene attracts three very back to her childhood homeland. different suitors: Gabriel Oak, a sheep farmer; Frank Troy, a reckPoltergeist (2015) less Sergeant; and William BoldA family whose suburban wood, a prosperous and mature home is haunted by evil forces bachelor. must come together to rescue their youngest daughter after the appa- Paul Blart: ritions take her captive.

Mall Cop 2 (2015) After six years of keeping our Avengers: malls safe, Paul Blart has earned a Age of Ultron (2015) well-deserved vacation. He heads When Tony Stark and Bruce to Vegas with his teenage daughter Banner try to jump-start a dormant before she heads off to college. But peacekeeping program called Ul- safety never takes a holiday and tron, things go horribly wrong and when duty calls, Blart answers. it’s up to Earth’s Mightiest Heroes to stop the villainous Ultron from Source: IMDb.com enacting his terrible plans.

(5/30/2015)

dimension. After she is back in her own dimension, Casey begins the search for a magical “T” pin. The story really kicks into gear at this point, with evil robots, car chases, a team-up with Frank, and other assorted misadventures. The film presents a future in utopia form, which is something I am sure we

who fear. The importance of such a stance is never beaten into our heads, just softly presented in the setting of a sci-fi film. The actors are all wonderful in their roles, and Clooney is his usual confident self. would all like to see, as opposed to The film even features singer the world in the “Mad Max” mov- Tim McGraw in a small supportie, which I discussed last week. ing role, and he continues to disThe message of the film conveys play his fine acting chops. “Tomorthe importance of all “dreamers” rowland” is a film that presents an working together to create a bet- ideal world in which we would all ter world. Those who are inspired surely hope to create and reside will always create a better envi- in, and does so with wonder and ronment in the world than those majesty.

Rated: PG

B+

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Annabelle’s Curse

to Release Third Album

Annabelle’s Curse will release their third studio album, Worn Out Skin, on Friday, June 12. The album features ten original songs written and arranged by members of the band. Annabelle’s Curse recently released their first single from the album, “Lovedrunk Desperados.” The single is available to

stream online via the band’s YouTube channel.

Funded by fans via Kickstarter, Worn Out Skin was produced by Bill Moriarty of Kawari Sound Studios in Philadelphia, PA. Moriarty has produced notable albums from artists like Dr. Dog, The Districts, and Lotus. Annabelle’s

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Curse will be touring in support of the album this summer. A full list of tour dates is available at www. annabellescurse.com.

Annabelle’s Curse is a high energy alt-folk band based in Abingdon, VA. Its members are Tim Kilbourne, Zack Edwards, Travis Goyette, Carly Booher, and Tyler Luttrell. Annabelle’s Curse’s sound demonstrates a broad array of modern musical influences while holding true to musical traditions in their home region. Formed in 2010, the band has toured extensively throughout the Southeast and has performed at notable venues like Nashville’s Music City Roots, Bristol’s Rhythm and Roots Reunion, and Knoxville’s Rhythm and Blooms Festival. Annabelle’s Curse was also named first runner-up in Floyd Fest’s 2014 On the Rise competition, earning them coveted performance times during the 2015 festival.

For more information, including booking and contact information, music, and tour dates, please visit www.annabellescurse.com or contact Richard Graves, manager, at 770-310-3264 or annabellescurse@ gmail.com.

Jonesborough Named Among Most Beautiful Towns in Tennessee

Historic Jonesborough was recently named as one of the top ten most beautiful towns in Tennessee by The Culture Trip, an international publication dedicated to culture and lifestyle.

The section summarizes, “The state of Tennessee boasts many beautiful cities, charming small towns and breathtaking scenery.

With the Appalachian Mountains to the east and the Mississippi River to the west, the state is fraught with captivating imagery and must-visit locations.”

Written by Rachel Nipper with Jonesborough’s photo credited to Brian Standberry, wikicommons, Jonesborough is the only town represented from Northeast Tennessee.

The article states, “Jonesborough resides in the easternmost tip of Tennessee and is considered the state’s oldest town. Indeed, the city was founded nearly 20 years before Tennessee became a state in

the union. Jonesborough’s name derived from a North Carolinian legislator, Willie Jones.

Jonesborough proves to be a popular tourist destination, due both to its quaint small-town ambience and its historical ranking and buildings. In addition, because it is located on the Southern Appalachian Mountains, Jonesborough also offers recreational activities like cycling, fishing, rafting, caving, hiking, golfing and kayaking.”

The Culture Trip is an international digital platform for global culture and lifestyle. Articles and features are similar to the art, culture, food and travel supplements of The New York Times – but the media’s focus is international with sections for every country.

To read the complete article on Culture Trip’s Top 10 Most Beautiful Towns in Tennessee, visit http://theculturetrip.com

Page 26, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

Detroit’s Bright Spot In general, I have come to really despise air travel - at least when I am personally involved. The whole experience, from having to get up in the middle of the night to catch a 6am flight to the moment you realize that your luggage didn’t make the trip with you, is pretty darn miserable. But today I want to talk about one small nicety that I’ve come to really enjoy: the Light Tunnel at Detroit Metro Wayne County Airport (DTW).

If you’ve ever seen it, I could probably stop right here. The experience of going through the

Light Tunnel (creative name, I know) is one you carry with you for the rest of the day, if not the rest of your life. Whenever I have the pleasure of connecting through Detroit (which I think gives me some kind of street cred), I look forward to the tunnel – so much so that I’ll go out of my way to pass through it as long as I’ve got the time. Furthermore, whenever the topic comes up in conversation, those who have seen it will readily share their impressions, be they positive or negative.

For the uninitiated, it is a 700

foot long tunnel that connects DTW’s new, shiny A Concourse with the older B/C Concourses.

More than that though, travelers are treated to an impressive light show synchronized to hypnotic, new age music that can make you feel like you’re having an out-ofbody experience. Words can’t really do it justice, but relaxing, confusing, existential, and bizarre are a few that come to mind.

The Detroit Light Tunnel started amusing (and bemusing) travelers in 2002, with the opening of the new and improved McNamara

Terminal. As the A Concourse runs parallel to the B/C Concourses, a lengthy pedestrian passageway was needed so that planes would have room to maneuver and utilize gates in the open space between the two buildings. The tunnel runs beneath this open space, making room for two taxiways and the terminal apron (whatever that is). The music is an original score composed by Mills James of (snicker) Columbus, Ohio. The presentation synched with the light show runs about thirty minutes before repeating.

Of course, being in the secure area of an airport, the Light Tunnel is generally considered off-limits to those who aren’t flying into or

out of DTW, but it is possible to obtain an Airport Access Authorization to Commercial Establishments Pass. Designed as a means to extract money from people who love the idea of paying too much for food or whatever else you can buy in an airport, it’s a means to get in, but you still have to go through TSA checkpoints.

If by chance you do happen to find yourself at DTW but are prone to seizures and are thusly wary of being subjected to crazy flashing lights, there are buttons at either end of the tunnel that you can push to disable the show for five minutes. But then you’ll be ruining the fun for the rest of us

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June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 27

Ed Stivender to Host Storytelling Live!

In conversation, Ed Stivender isn’t quite what you’d expect from an entertainer who’s known as the Robin Williams of storytelling. He’s a quiet guy—mild and unassuming. Known for his wild improv, his expert banjo playing, and his huge arsenal of funny accents, Stivender seems to reserve all his energy for the stage. The transformation is truly something to behold.

A beloved presence in Jonesborough since he first performed at the National Storytelling Festival in 1980, Stivender will soon serve as the town’s teller in residence.

Banjo in hand, he’ll take to the stage of the International Storytelling Center’s intimate theater, which is located in Mary B. Martin Storytelling Hall, downtown.

During his residency, Stivender will host regular matinee performances June 9 – 13, Tuesday through Saturday. Shows start daily at 2:00 p.m., and tickets are just $12 for adults and $11 for seniors, students, and children under 18.

Reservations are highly recommended, and all ticket holders will save 10 percent on same-day dining at The Dining Room, Jonesborough General Store and Eatery, or Main Street Café.

The storyteller’s repertoire includes a wide variety of genres

and styles, from modernized fairy tales to literary adaptations of O’Henry. In any given performance, his stories range from personal tales about growing up to widespread folk phenomena like Jack tales. With real expertise in theology and folk tales, Stivender’s stories are full of wisdom, but they’re never staid or boring.

That comes down to sheer talent, but he also had serious training— for many years, he was a teacher at an all boys’ school, and part of his ability to transfix people is surely due to his early success in front of that demanding audience.

As a humorist, Stivender is perhaps best known for his great skill at improvisation. His jokes, which are subtle and dry in person, are outsized on the stage, where certain details of his stories are drawn from the audience’s suggestions.

“In the process of telling a story, oftentimes an audience will goad me into making changes on the spot,” he says. “Then the next time I tell the story, the changes will be part of it.” It’s a testament to his talent that the stories often stay with his listeners long after the lights go up. “Sometimes people even give me suggestions after the show,” he says. “It’s part of the great fun in storytelling with an audience.”

Storytelling Live! is a popular concert series produced by the International Storytelling Center.

It hosts more than two-dozen tellers each year, inviting some of the industry’s top talent for weeklong storytelling residencies. Season passes that offer nearly half off the price of regular admission are available while supplies last.

Information about this season’s performers, as well as a detailed schedule, is available at www. storytellingcenter.net.

Storytelling Live! is supported by program sponsors CrestPoint Health, Eastman Chemical Company and Eastman Credit Union, and media sponsors News 5-WCYB, FOX TriCities, Tri-Cities CW, Johnson City Press, Kingsport Times-News, Herald & Tribune, Cumulus Media and Foster Signs. Additional funding comes from the National Endowment for the Arts, the Tennessee Arts Commission, and the Niswonger Foundation.

The International Storytelling Center is open 10 a.m. – 5 p.m., Monday through Saturday. For more information about Storytelling Live! or to make a group reservation, call (800) 952-8392 ext. 222 or (423) 913-1276.

Page 28, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

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June 2, 2015 • The Loafer, Page 29

Personal Tactical Training Pt 1

I have wanted to do a series on personal tactical training for a while now, you see as an instructor I only have eight hours to teach my students, and I teach them everything I can in that time, but there’s always that question of “Now what?” So over the next four weeks we will be discussing presentation, as well as practice drills, and continuing your training on the range. I have to tell you legally that any tips in this article are not guaranteed to save your life, but are merely designed to give you a tactical advantage.

When I say “Tactical” I’m not referring to S.W.A.T. I’m referring to any situation that involves the use or threatened use of deadly force.

Keep in mind the purpose of training is so that in a tactical situation you can revert back to that training and not make mistakes that can get you or a loved one hurt or killed.

The first thing you should always do when practicing is unload your firearm and remove the ammunition from the room, having dummy rounds available is recommended. Make sure the dummy rounds are colored or labeled in such a way as to distinguish them from live rounds. If you do not have a dummy round that’s ok you can do the following drills without them. With your firearm unloaded the first thing we want to practice is drawing the handgun also known as “presentation”. Presentation consists of four steps from the hip (We will discuss drawing from a handbag later). If you are concealed carrying you will likely have to access your gun first by lifting a shirt etc.

Then you can proceed with step 1.

1. Grip the handgun; in most cases the trigger will be inside the holster practice gripping the gun in such a way that your trigger finger is straight and at least half an inch away from the trigger guard.

This is to prevent accidental discharge.

2. Lift the handgun out of the holster, this is known as clearing.

It is imperative that you learn how far you have to lift your particular gun to clear the holster. With practice you will be able to feel it. Keep the gun horizontal to your body until you move into step three.

3. Once clear of the holster bring the muzzle of the gun up towards the target, extending it slightly bring your support hand up, two-

hand gripping the firearm. Train yourself to place your trigger finger below the slide on a semiautomatic still pointed straight, or bent slightly touching the front of the trigger guard on a revolver.

This allows you move into step four without fear of accidental discharge. If you have not chambered your semi-automatic now is the time to do that, you may also hammer your revolver. If you find yourself in a situation where the attacker is too close to extend to step four then it is suitable to shoot from this position.

4. Once you have established a two-hand grip on the firearm, move into your shooting position. Then extend the firearm into full position aligning your sights and locking in your target picture.

You may now move your finger into the trigger guard touching the trigger. Once you take off the safety you are ready to shoot. Most

concealed carry guns lack external safeties so as to remove that step increasing efficiency. Revolvers also lack external safeties.

Reading these steps you might be thinking this takes five minutes to execute, the truth however is that with practice it takes approximately 2-3 seconds. Most people assume that a couple trips to the range qualifies as practice, the truth is that you should be practicing this regularly until every time you draw you do so following these exact steps without thinking about it, because if the time ever comes you’re not going to want to waste precious seconds thinking about it. Next week is for my lady readers, as we will discuss drawing from a handbag. As always I hope you enjoyed this article and if you have any questions or concerns please feel free to email me. I look forward to your feedback.

Page 30, The Loafer • June 2, 2015

Songs For Third-Graders

This column, although not originally intended as such, is a companion to the piece I presented last week about the abominable “radio edits” that popular songs often go through before they are presented to the public on commercial radio; as I suggested last week, if you want to avoid having your favorite guitar solo deleted, don’t listen to commercial radio (the last time I bothered to listen to this medium was in the Spring of 2013). In any event, that column, which focused on the excising of guitar solos from country music radio, is closely related to a May 19 BuzzFeed column by Javier Moreno, who informs us that the lyrics to many hit songs are at a third grade reading level. Needless to say, I must thank Mr. Moreno for giving me the idea for the column you are reading now.

It seems that Andrew Powell-

Morse, who write for SeatSmart “just compiled information on pop music lyrics over the past 10 years, and the results are pretty interesting.” Before you take what Mr. Powell-Morse says too seriously, keep in mind that Moreno believes that “some of his conclusions should be taken with a grain of salt.” Of course, I apply this rule to everything I read. So, let’s see what we can learn from this little piece of research.

After analyzing 225 songs from four musical genres, PowellMorse used the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level Test to determine the reading-level represented by the song lyrics. Of course, I had to find out what this test is all about, so I consulted our old friend Wikipedia and learned that this test, which is designed to measure the level of difficulty certain English passages are to comprehend at

various grade levels, is celebrating its fortieth anniversary this year. The test was devised by Rudolph Flesch and J. Peter Kincaid, primarily for use by the United States Navy. While this test was never intended to be used for song analysis, we learn some interesting things when we apply its convoluted formula to popular music.

What Powell-Morse discovered from his ten-year song lyrics analysis is that country music scores highest, at 3.3 (third grade level), followed by a 2.9 for pop and rock, and 2.6 for rhythm and blues and hip-hop. Looking at things qualitatively rather than quantitatively, we learn that this study “showed than on average male artists say more words, but female artists had smarter things to say, with a higher reading level average.” Breaking things down to artists and genre, we find that in the Hop-Hop cat-

egory, Eminem’s lyrics are generally near the fourth-grade level, while Beyonce is at the bottom, with a score of 2.25. When we evaluate pop artists, we can see that Mariah Carey scores near fourth grade level, while KeSha should have a real following among first graders. Looking at specific songs, we might be surprised to see that Blake Shelton’s “All About Tonight” is at the sixth grade reading level, and “The Good Life,”

by Three Days Grace should be the theme song for kindergartners. Powell-Morse’s conclusion is that the “lyrical intelligence” of song lyrics have been in decline for the past 10 years. One piece of good news in all this is that Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” is written at an eleventh grade level. Of course, lyrics are not the only important component of pop music. PowellMorse’s study was not interested in evaluating harmonic or chordal structure, just the lyrics.

Interestingly enough, I am currently reading a fascinating new book by Ben Yagoda, THE B SIDE: THE DEATH OF TIN PAN ALLEY AND THE REBIRTH OF THE GREAT AMERICAN SONG. This book refutes the well-worn assumption that the golden age of American song was in the 1930s and 1940s and that everything has gone downhill ever since. What can we learn, for instance, by analyzing song lyrics that are more than ten years old?

If you are in doubt that today’s songs are lyrically simplistic and that music was much better “back in the day” when Sinatra and others ruled the airwaves, then you can take heart. When we take a serious look at the lyrical content of American popular music, we quickly find that things are no better or worse today than back then. The lyrical decline that Powell-Morse finds is largely a myth.

For instance, at what grade level would you place the lyrics to the 1953 hit by the Ames Brothers— “You, You, You”? Let’s examine the lyrics of its opening verse: “You, you, you, I’m in love with you, you, you. I could be so true, true, true, to someone like you, you, you.” Pretty elementary and downright inane, don’t you think?

Probably written at a level below that of third grade. For every sophisticated lyric like George and Ira Gershwin’s “Someone To Watch Over Me” (1920s) there are

hundreds of examples like “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?” (1950s) and “Botch-A-Me,” a big hit for Rosemary Clooney in the early fifties (but written in the early forties). And then there’s “Surfin’ Bird” by The Trashmen (1963), with lyrics that are probably rated at or near the prenatal level. And take the first big hit by the much-revered Beatles, “I Want To Hold Your Hand.” Do you believe third-graders would have any difficulty understanding this song’s lyrics?

I tire pretty easily of those who fall prey to the “nostalgic trap” by assuming that everything in the “good old days” was better than anything we experience in our world today. I, for one, am very glad I have my feet in two different worlds and can compare and contrast the old and the new. The news that most people don’t want to hear is that the good old days were far from being perfect. I am glad that I am fortunate enough to be able to offer my firsthand experiences listening to music for the past five decades, from Rosemary Clooney to Taylor Swift. And my conclusion is that it is much easier to mythologize the past than it is to try and understand it. Let’s face it—most of American popular music has been written for third graders. And that probably explains its wide appeal.

Before I go, I have to share the results of what happened when I tested the reading level of this column’s first paragraph. When I submitted my paragraph to a free test offered by thewriter.com (not Flesch-Kincaid, but similar) I was amazed to find that my score was 37.3. And here is what I was told after my submission: “That’s some pretty difficult reading. Your grade is around 11, which is at the same reading level as most of Shakespeare. You can probably try a few things to make it easier to read.”

What should I do now? Try to write future columns at a third grade level? At least I know I would make a poor song lyricist, but shouldn’t I feel flattered to be compared with Shakespeare? To write or not to write? That is the question.

See you next week with more of my Shakespeare-like prose. Just keep your third-grader away from it.

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