4
March 28, 2019
The Lorian
Tips with Trish: Jealousy
M ind & S oul
Being a student-athlete Track and field was not my first love, but it has been an honor and a privilege by ANNA HEDGES staff writer
In this column by Tricia Borelli, director of Counseling Services, she answers questions from students about their emotional well-being while attending college. Send Questions or comments to Ms. Borelli, Loras, Box 100, or e-mail tricia.borelli@loras.edu. All names will be kept confidential.
by TRISHA BORELLI Director of the Counseling Center
Dear Trish,
I’ve been in a great relationship with my girlfriend for eight months. We love each other very much, but I can’t get over being jealous of certain things. Before we met, I knew she had a lot of guy friends and I thought I was okay with that. For some reason, my anxiety has increased when she hangs out with them now. At first, I told her it was no big deal, but it’s starting to really make me angry and jealous. It’s even gotten so bad that it’s caused arguments between us lately. How can I get rid of my jealousy or change it?
Signed, Apparently the Jealous Type Trish says:
Jealousy is a typical part of relationships. A little bit can make your partner feel wanted, but too much can cause serious damage to your relationship. It sounds like you really care about this girl and are aware that your feelings of jealousy have gotten to an unhealthy level. Recognizing this is a good first step. One thing to understand is that jealousy is a very complex response that’s part emotion, part cognition, and part behavior. Take a look at your feelings and try to figure out what triggers your jealousy. For example, what or who, makes you feel jealous? It sounds like you don’t like when she spends time with male friends. Is it a particular male friend or just anyone? For example, if she spends a lot of time with an ex-boyfriend, that may stem from the fact that they were once romantically involved. If it’s a friend that she says is like a brother to her, this might still be hard but conveys that there are no romantic feelings involved. Having an understanding of what makes you feel jealous might help you figure out how to monitor your reactions when they surface. One situation may mean you need to sit down and talk with her about your worries and ask for some reassurance. Or analyzing the trigger might indicate that you need to trust her more, and possibly keep yourself busy during the time when she is with a particular friend. Reminding yourself that what you have with her is different and special can also help. You wrote about being angry. Have you tried to reframe your thinking and look at the situation in a new way? When you reframe a situation, no matter how you’re feeling, it sometimes brings down the intensity. When you think about the jealous feeling, what is actually contributing to the feeling in the moment? See if the reaction is rational or not. If your girlfriend is telling you about a project that she is working on with a guy in her class, your first thought may be that they are more than classmates. If you really look at the information that has been provided, you may realize that you have no basis to think that their relationship is anything more. Maybe this has more to do with your past relationships or something else entirely. This doesn’t mean that you can’t feel jealous, but considering the context and pausing for a moment might remind you that group work is just a part of being in college. It may be just a requirement for a class, and doesn’t need to mean anything except working together to get a good grade. This technique can also be helpful if you take a look at your own self-talk or your inner critic. As mentioned above, sometimes our jealous thoughts have more to do with our own insecurities than with the other person’s behavior. Spend some trying to recall the positive things that you bring to the relationship. There’s a reason why your girlfriend is dating you and not someone else. Give yourself some credit, and focus on the strengths that you bring to the relationship. Lastly, talking to your girlfriend about your concerns or your insecurities is always a good option. She can’t address the real issues if she doesn’t know what’s behind the jealousy. If she only hears you trying to prevent her from friendships and being possessive about her time, she could become resentful. If you talk to her about your desire to trust her, she may be more sensitive. If you disclose that you feel insecure, she may tend to your needs a little more without giving up other relationships. Remind your girlfriend how much you care about her. Listen carefully and believe what she tells you in response. With communication and trust, hopefully you two will be able to keep jealousy at bay. If your jealousy continues to get in the way, it may be helpful to talk with a friend or make an appointment with a counselor. Signed, Trish
Being a student-athlete here at Loras College is an amazing opportunity at the Division III level. Most people you come across when competing in DIII are purely doing so for the love of the sport. This past weekend, that was more evident than ever. Loras had Duhawks all over the country just doing what they love in their perspective sports. It is magical how much of a support system we have at our small liberal arts school for our fellow Duhawks. At this level of competition, nobody is receiving scholarships to play on teams or anything, we are just playing for the fun of the game. As far as my story goes, I was not always a track-and-field athlete. In elementary and middle school, I had my heart set on going to college to play softball and making it to the College World Series. My plans really started to change once I was exposed to what track and field had to offer. A few years down the road, and I am being recruited by different schools to go on and continue throwing. I ended up choosing Loras because of the family feel of the campus. When I came to campus and did an overnight with some of the former throwers on the team, I felt like I fit right into this Duhawk track and field family. Those who know me personally know that
these previous three and a half years have not been my healthiest with being in and out of multiple different doctor’s offices, but being an athlete here has really helped get me through my illnesses. My teammates and coaches have been extremely supportive in my recovery from all of my surgeries as well as helping me to be successful in the classroom. This support is vital at any division of athletics. With our school being on the smaller side, you are able to form a closer bond with the coaches and professors here on campus. This is crucial in your success both in and out of the classroom because there will be days you’ll have to miss class due to competition. Most professors are super understanding in this aspect of your college career because it helps to make you a more wellrounded individual. They welcome you into their office hours to help you understand everything you missed and help you understand what you need to become to be a successful student. On top of that, they will ask you how your season is going because they genuinely care how you are doing both in and out of the classroom. You are able to meet all different kinds of people along this journey and make life-long friendships as well.
The Prodigal Son An old story told in a new way: God’s unconditional forgiveness by DANIEL CHARLAND staff writer
The Parable of the Prodigal Son is perhaps Jesus’ best-recorded teaching about God’s forgiveness. Through it, Jesus emphasized how much God wants us to come back to Him when we stray away into sinful, self-defeating lives. While this story has great impact today, it was even more shocking to its first audience. It’s important to remember that the common peoples’ impression of Jesus was often that he was a teacher or rabbi, and rabbis would often tell traditional stories to illustrate points. A common story was the start of Jesus’ prodigal son story: a cautionary tale to not reject your family and heritage. In this version, the son takes his inheritance. This was a great insult to his father, Image result for Prodigal son because it sent the message that his father was dead in his eyes and he didn’t care about him anymore. The son leaves and spends it all, becomes broke and homeless, and then is shunned by his father. The message of this version of the story was “You made your bed, now sleep in it”. When Jesus started telling a story about a man with two sons, with the younger taking his share of the inheritance, the first listeners of the story thought they had heard it before and that Jesus was just telling the stories any rabbi would. They would have been shocked, though, when this time Jesus turned the story on its head to convey a very different message. In spite of everything the son has done, the father welcomes him home out of sheer love, and even celebrates his return. Being forgiven is a painless process, it is only the lead-up that we hold ourselves back on. Like the son, it can take being completely desperate before we really stop
and realize that we’ve completely messed up and enslaved ourselves by doing what we thought was rebellious and liberating. Even then, overcoming fear and pride to admit it to God and people who can help us can be difficult. But when we do, God forgives instantly. No judgment is required aside from our admission that what we did was wrong. And no punishment is required other than the residual effects that we cause on our own, like addictions that need to be overcome. By turning this traditional rabbi story on its head, Jesus teaches us that God will never reject us. It’s only us who reject Him. Even if we do, we can always come back to God’s loving embrace and be welcomed into His kingdom.
