ADVICE

FAMILY TIES

AS WE ALL KNOW, YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU CAN'T CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY.

So, couples who are convinced they are meant to be happily married choose each other to build their lives together. But no couple is an island. They have families–close and loving or distant and difficult who, one way or another,will make their presence felt.

History, and reality shows are full of doting dads and ‘smothers’-inlaw who, for whatever reason, find it hard, if not impossible to accept the fact that, for better or for worse, marriage will subtly change their relationship with their child.

No matter how close brides and grooms and their in-laws are,there will be times when friction occurs. Asyears go by and circumstances change one set of issues will be replaced by another. So it is essential that couples are clear from their engagement, if not earlier,that they will always remember the couples’ motto ‘you and me against the world‘.

As the younger,less experienced people,adjusting to their new life together, a couple might reasonably expect their in-laws to be the ‘grown-ups’ in the family. If only.

Mothers and fathers-in-law have had expectations of their ideal sons and daughters-in-law since their little darlings learned to sit up. Seeing their influence, regular social and traditional events,and the makeup of the family they created changing, even in the nicest way,is going to hit them hard.

With the best will in the world they will find it hard making room for someone else to take such a vital role in their child’s life.

Families are so different that it would be a waste of time to list endless ideas to impress your in-laws. But, for your own peace of mind it’s good to remember that you cannot change someone who is set in their ways. Both couples and their in-laws need to respect each other’s methods of doing things. Marriage should never be about point scoring and control, on either side.Only share advice that is asked for and don’t be offended if it is rejected.

Create boundaries that respect your time tables, choices, and decisions as a couple, then present a united front to your respective parents and siblings so no one feels neglected or attempts to interfere – with any hope of success!

And when uncomfortable situations come up be prepared to step away. Rows can escalate very quickly, with old scores being dragged upso,before you know it,all hell breaks loose.

No conflict should ever be about winning or saving face.Just by politely refusing to become involved in an argument you have already ‘won’. And by respecting each other and being prepared to compromise sometimes,great progress can be made.

It takes maturity to handle the relationship balance.To acknowledge the important linkyou each have with your parents and siblings and not let anything drastically upset it.

Create trust and unity by offering friendship instead of family gossip. And never take sides. You may be used to your mother’s opinions, your father’s over-high standards, or a sibling’s jealousy, but imagine how your partner must feel, worrying that they are not up to scratch,and keep a sense of fair play and support.

Don’t be afraid that every little remark will damage your relationship. Stay loving and confident, justbuilding your own lives.

In the end happily ever after comes when you always remember that you chose each other as soul mates who love each other. And nothing and nobody should be able to break that bond.