*This section in The Maneater is our annual satirical April Fool's issue. None of the content is in any way accurate.
SPORTS JHORTS | PG 7
SHANE BLABBERT WRITES LETTER TO FANS: 'LET MY LEGEND WASH OVER YOU'
THE MANBUZZ
SOMEONE'S VOICE SINCE 1955 • APRIL FOOLS, 2011 • VOLUME 77 ISSUE 47ish • WWW.THEMANBUZZ.COM
Civilians Police Praise Board gets lesson in pot use FELICIA RICE AND CHELSEA BASKET Senior Staff Ambulance Chasers Some people say the best way to learn is to sit back, take a deep breath in and relax. At a meeting Wednesday night, members of the Civilians Police Praise Board became
believers. The board voted to attend a hands-on instructional meeting on smoking marijuana taught by local stoners. The meeting will be a part of the board’s educational endeavors to better understand the residents of
See POT, page 2
BUNNY CORRNEJO/SENIOR PHOTOMASTER, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT
Two elderly gentleman, who walked from a local park to get away distracting noise, sit and play chess at The Rainforest tailgate. Shuffle board, crochet and materials for knitting will also be offered at the tailgate.
The Rainforest student tailgate to enforce new rules New rules against speaking in outside voices will be enforced. MURDONK ASS O’Ciate Editor Former Some Student Government Association President Jim Broce announced Monday that the university sponsored student tailgate, The Rainforest, will be subject to more stringent rules this fall. Broce explained the change came after months of poorly communicated deliberation among Rainforest coordinators about the rowdiness of students who participated in pregame festivities. Although only about 9.75 students regularly attended the Rainforest’s tailgate, Broce said he was forced
to approach three of those students about having an unruly amount of fun amongst themselves. “Sometimes things just got really out of control,” he said. “Without these new rules, the Rainforest would dissolve into the kind of fun we saw people having at Generator Field.” As many students remember, Generator Field was a popular student tailgate spot before The Man shut it down when students had too much drunken fun. Among the new rules, Broce said students will be banned from talking in “outside voices” and must finish their hot dogs before leaving for the stadium. In addition, SSGA expects to hire Blackwater Worldwide forces to patrol the parking lot and tents. Broce said contracting out these jobs to a private security firm means The
Rainforest will officially be the safest tailgate ever created. “With the help of Blackwater security, we can assure administrators that the rules we’re putting in place will be enforced,” Broce said. “And students won’t be concerned about drinking alcohol around law enforcement, because, technically, these guys won’t count.” Some students are skeptical The Rainforest’s new rules would help improve the success of the tailgate. Sophomore Chauncey Smith said the new rules ruin the tailgate atmosphere. “It’s so stupid,” Smith said. “That’s all there is to say about that.” Despite student backlash, Broce said he would like to The Rainforest continue to grow over the next few years—including the expansion of
See RULES, page 2
One cheap snowjob Campus Fitting Materials workers hope for more snowjobs like this one. DERRICK LONDON Puzzle Editor A recent study conducted by the University of Missouri Snow Patrol found the cost of the February Snowpocalypse to be one of the cheapest snowjobs in the last…ever. Athe tax man, MU spent about 15 cents for each square foot of snow, costing the university $62.45.
Compared to other universities around the country, MU’s snowjob was by far the cheapest. “It was a horribly messy job, but boy, was it cheap,” Campus Fitting Materials Spokeswoman Marlin De Vil said. “We shelled out basically no Mr. Washington’s for the amount of snow we got,” she said. Facilities at the University of Minnesota spent $428.50, while Iowa State University spent $398.05. MU saved a total of $660.15 during the 2011 snowjob compared to the snowjob of 2005. The money saved will go toward the SSGA live tiger fund.
“When you save as much money as we did, you kind of hope for more snowjobs,” De Vil said. “Lots more.” De Vil said the fitting materials team tried new ideas to be the more efficient when handling the snowjob. “We never lingered on one snowjob,” she said. “We cleaned up one snowjob, then got right to work on another, with no rest in between.” In some places, the snowjob left nearly 3 feet of slush to clean up, which took a toll on campus facilities workers, who worked round-theclock to clear up the load on campus. “I’ll tell you something, that See SNOWJOB, page 2
NICHO ARRRGRO/FINGER BREAKER
Looney Toombs stands in his production best with his No. 1 source of inspiration. The child prodigy had to back out early from the interview to tweet ravenously.
12 khakis and counting: The profile of a nontraditional student HAPPY FUNUSOS AND NATTY LIGHT Looney Ranters
in the newsroom.
Looney Toombs said he once bought all the blue button-down shirts in a store, and that was on an off day. In this issue of The ManBuzz, our reporters spun a yarn Toombs on his lifestyle of insomnia and bacon. The interview below is in his words. Read it and weep.
Looney: Yeah, I know. The lobby chairs give me a backache too. I keep an I-rin in the newsroom for my blue button downs, or button-ups, as I like to call them. It’s the optimistic take on button downs.
The ManBuzz: Thanks for coming out this afternoon for an interview. Looney Toombs: It was no problem. I just woke up in the office anyway. I’ve spent the last 60 hours
MB: But it’s 3 p.m.
MB: You keep a what in the newsroom? Looney: An I-rin. An I-rin. To keep the button-ups looking crisp. (Awkward pause)
See STUDENT, page 2
INSIDE EIC NO HERE
THEMANBUZZ.COM
The head hancho of this joint had no say in any of this content, so I wouldn't contact him if I were you.
Check out our multimedia piece on cheap snowjobs around the country at www.themanbuzz. com. It's educational!
REPUBLICANS PEACE OUT
I mean, what the?............... 3 Snitch N Bitch..................... 5 Vinyl of media................... 6 Sports jhorts....................... 7
Yep, they're finally outta here. Republicans secede from the United States. PG. 4