The Maneater -- Volume 77, Issue 47 by The Maneater Student Newspaper

*This section in The Maneater is our annual satirical April Fool's issue. None of the content is in any way accurate.

SPORTS JHORTS | PG 7

SHANE BLABBERT WRITES LETTER TO FANS: 'LET MY LEGEND WASH OVER YOU'

THE MANBUZZ

SOMEONE'S VOICE SINCE 1955 • APRIL FOOLS, 2011 • VOLUME 77 ISSUE 47ish • WWW.THEMANBUZZ.COM

Civilians Police Praise Board gets lesson in pot use FELICIA RICE AND CHELSEA BASKET Senior Staff Ambulance Chasers Some people say the best way to learn is to sit back, take a deep breath in and relax. At a meeting Wednesday night, members of the Civilians Police Praise Board became

believers. The board voted to attend a hands-on instructional meeting on smoking marijuana taught by local stoners. The meeting will be a part of the board’s educational endeavors to better understand the residents of

See POT, page 2

BUNNY CORRNEJO/SENIOR PHOTOMASTER, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT

Two elderly gentleman, who walked from a local park to get away distracting noise, sit and play chess at The Rainforest tailgate. Shuffle board, crochet and materials for knitting will also be offered at the tailgate.

The Rainforest student tailgate to enforce new rules New rules against speaking in outside voices will be enforced. MURDONK ASS O’Ciate Editor Former Some Student Government Association President Jim Broce announced Monday that the university sponsored student tailgate, The Rainforest, will be subject to more stringent rules this fall. Broce explained the change came after months of poorly communicated deliberation among Rainforest coordinators about the rowdiness of students who participated in pregame festivities. Although only about 9.75 students regularly attended the Rainforest’s tailgate, Broce said he was forced

to approach three of those students about having an unruly amount of fun amongst themselves. “Sometimes things just got really out of control,” he said. “Without these new rules, the Rainforest would dissolve into the kind of fun we saw people having at Generator Field.” As many students remember, Generator Field was a popular student tailgate spot before The Man shut it down when students had too much drunken fun. Among the new rules, Broce said students will be banned from talking in “outside voices” and must finish their hot dogs before leaving for the stadium. In addition, SSGA expects to hire Blackwater Worldwide forces to patrol the parking lot and tents. Broce said contracting out these jobs to a private security firm means The

Rainforest will officially be the safest tailgate ever created. “With the help of Blackwater security, we can assure administrators that the rules we’re putting in place will be enforced,” Broce said. “And students won’t be concerned about drinking alcohol around law enforcement, because, technically, these guys won’t count.” Some students are skeptical The Rainforest’s new rules would help improve the success of the tailgate. Sophomore Chauncey Smith said the new rules ruin the tailgate atmosphere. “It’s so stupid,” Smith said. “That’s all there is to say about that.” Despite student backlash, Broce said he would like to The Rainforest continue to grow over the next few years—including the expansion of

See RULES, page 2

One cheap snowjob Campus Fitting Materials workers hope for more snowjobs like this one. DERRICK LONDON Puzzle Editor A recent study conducted by the University of Missouri Snow Patrol found the cost of the February Snowpocalypse to be one of the cheapest snowjobs in the last…ever. Athe tax man, MU spent about 15 cents for each square foot of snow, costing the university $62.45.

Compared to other universities around the country, MU’s snowjob was by far the cheapest. “It was a horribly messy job, but boy, was it cheap,” Campus Fitting Materials Spokeswoman Marlin De Vil said. “We shelled out basically no Mr. Washington’s for the amount of snow we got,” she said. Facilities at the University of Minnesota spent $428.50, while Iowa State University spent $398.05. MU saved a total of $660.15 during the 2011 snowjob compared to the snowjob of 2005. The money saved will go toward the SSGA live tiger fund.

“When you save as much money as we did, you kind of hope for more snowjobs,” De Vil said. “Lots more.” De Vil said the fitting materials team tried new ideas to be the more efficient when handling the snowjob. “We never lingered on one snowjob,” she said. “We cleaned up one snowjob, then got right to work on another, with no rest in between.” In some places, the snowjob left nearly 3 feet of slush to clean up, which took a toll on campus facilities workers, who worked round-theclock to clear up the load on campus. “I’ll tell you something, that See SNOWJOB, page 2

NICHO ARRRGRO/FINGER BREAKER

Looney Toombs stands in his production best with his No. 1 source of inspiration. The child prodigy had to back out early from the interview to tweet ravenously.

12 khakis and counting: The profile of a nontraditional student HAPPY FUNUSOS AND NATTY LIGHT Looney Ranters

in the newsroom.

Looney Toombs said he once bought all the blue button-down shirts in a store, and that was on an off day. In this issue of The ManBuzz, our reporters spun a yarn Toombs on his lifestyle of insomnia and bacon. The interview below is in his words. Read it and weep.

Looney: Yeah, I know. The lobby chairs give me a backache too. I keep an I-rin in the newsroom for my blue button downs, or button-ups, as I like to call them. It’s the optimistic take on button downs.

The ManBuzz: Thanks for coming out this afternoon for an interview. Looney Toombs: It was no problem. I just woke up in the office anyway. I’ve spent the last 60 hours

MB: But it’s 3 p.m.

MB: You keep a what in the newsroom? Looney: An I-rin. An I-rin. To keep the button-ups looking crisp. (Awkward pause)

See STUDENT, page 2

INSIDE EIC NO HERE

THEMANBUZZ.COM

The head hancho of this joint had no say in any of this content, so I wouldn't contact him if I were you.

Check out our multimedia piece on cheap snowjobs around the country at www.themanbuzz. com. It's educational!

REPUBLICANS PEACE OUT

I mean, what the?............... 3 Snitch N Bitch..................... 5 Vinyl of media................... 6 Sports jhorts....................... 7

Yep, they're finally outta here. Republicans secede from the United States. PG. 4

*T his se c t i o n i n T h e Ma n e a t e r i s p ar t of our Ap ri l Fool’s i s s ue. None of t h e cont ent i s i n any way accu rate .

EXTRA SHIT

1 2 3 4 5

Ya know, just a place to find out ‘bout why the world sux. Reach us by email at buzzy@themanbuzz.com

OutTakes

Top Online

APRIL FOOLS , 2011 — THE MANBU Z Z

THE MANBUZZ

J.JUICY MANITELLO/ASSISTANT PHOTO EDITOR

Manderson deserts Mizzou, lured to Arkansas with hot dogs

Chancellor Bradford Déatön smiles at Tim, MU’s live tiger at the St. Louis Zoo ‘Apply to our school exhibit.’

SSGA election still under investigation LOCKJAW. Eat and Meet Services unveil heart-shaped trays Silver and gold tiger statues built as neighbors for Rawrotious.

Contact us: Reporters for The ManBuzz are to be a little feisty with their sources, so don’t be shy with them. If there are inaccuracies, leave us the hell alone. In The Maneater’s Jan. 21 issue, the article “Website to share free food locations, serious journalism,” incorrectly labeled the founder as an editor. The proper label was Grand Galactic Empire Court Marshall Master. The ManBuzz should regret the error, but thought “Meh, who would care anyway.”

Events + Weather TUESDAY The Rainforest tailgate dress rehearsal 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. Free food, drinks and security force

FUCKIN SNOWY High: 12 Low: -30

POT: Board voted to

bring brownies, cookies Continued from page 1 Columbia. Advocates from the Mizzou chapter of the National Organization of Rad Marijuana Lovers — or NORML for all you keeping score of abbreviations— were scheduled to speak before the vote but forgot to attend for unknown reasons. “I caaaaaan’t belieeeeeeeve we tooooooootally spaaaaced on the meeeeeeting, maaaaaaaaaaan,” NORML President Don “Potsie” Beets said. “As a siiiiiiign of our remooorse, we will be bringing a traaaaay of homemade cookies and brownies to the booooard’s next meeting, maaaaaan.” Despite the absence of NORML members, the board voted 8 to 1 to approve the hands-on learning expedition. The measure finally passed after much confusion about the board’s nonexistent voting procedure. The board decided to learn about the use of cannabis after receiving a large influx of public comments related to the drug. Its meetings have seen an increase in student attendance when marijuana topics are up for discussion, instead of more “boring” issues,

WEDNESDAY

such as questionable use of police force and SWAT raids. (Seriously, general public?) At the board’s last meeting, the standing-roomonly crowd marked a 420 percent increase in student attendance from the previous month. Before the vote, the board meditated on taking a poll of how many of its members had tried the Greatest Plant. Selfanointed Board Chairwoman Imthequeen Jones blurted out, unprompted, that she had once been offered some of the magical plant in college. “But I never once inhaled,” she said. To attend the marijuana seminar, the review board will take a break from its current case, in which Police Boss Casey Boytens accidentally bumped into a woman’s shopping cart at the grocery store and refused to apologize. After a complete Internal Affairs investigation, Boytens ruled that he acted appropriately in the incident. “It was clearly a matter of clumsiness and not a matter of misconduct,” Boytens said. “It would not have been appropriate to apologize.”

SSGA “Who we really are” 7 p.m. Guess where, then they’ll tell you

SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT DAY High: 13 Low: -45

THURSDAY Live Tiger field trip to Zoo! 6 a.m. Meet at the bus station with a signed permission slip from your parents

The ManBuzz is the official satirical April Fools publication of the University of Missouri-Columbia and operates independently of the university, student government, the School of Journalism and any other campus organsim, entity or spirits. This paper was made on a whim in the wee hours of 5 a.m., at which a prompt roadtrip to iHOP was later planned and excuted. All text, photos, graphics and other content are property of The ManBuzz and may not be reproduced without buying the staff a burrito and giving whatever money he or she has in their wallet at the time. The views and opinions expressed herein redonkulous are not necessarily the views of the University of Missouri or the MU Student Publications Board, any wannabes or Chancellor whoatever his name is. The first copy of The ManBuzz is free, each additional copy is $22.7 million, so watch yourself I totally clubbed that.

Happy Funusos, Managing Smiler Bunny CoRRRnejo Kally Walpher, Sheep Dickenburger, Felicia Rice I Mean, What The Editors Murdonk, Projects Editor RyRy Shoesler, Snitch and Bitch Editor Abba Suessel, Emmy Willrockyou, Vinyl of Media Editors Jach Minx, Sports Jhorts Editor Natty Light, Slideshow Caption Inserter Editor Amy LaBotany, Online Development Heavenly Jonas, Online Pink Ranger Nicho Arrrrgro,  For da visuals Editor Derrick London, Disney Manager Jimbo Everybody-Loves-Me Tibsch, Ally Brang, Assistant Editors More-uh Forward, Joshy Yoshi  Production Assistants Ash-lee Avenue, Graphics Assistant Maggie Gems, Chief Catch Em All

DIFFERENT DAY, SAME SHIT High: 13 Low: -45

STUDENT: Mmmmmmm bacon Continued from page 1 MB: Anyway, tell us about how you came to be head of the paper. Looney: Well, I was a child prodigy. I think everyone can agree on that. I—wanted to be a tap dancer at first—I know, it’s hi-larious, but then I watched “The Paper” with Michael Keaton, it’s really underrated and he wears a blue button-up in it. You should really see it. Man, I would just love to have grown up in an earlier time. I can’t wait to go gray. I just think it’s a good look. Maybe I’ll go by my middle name, George and, anyway, ANYWAY, I realized my intense love for all things newspaperrelated: C-Deks, T-Deks, picas, cutlines, kerning...ALL OF IT! I wrote for The ManBuzz before it even knew I existed, and I won awards for it that they had no idea they were even nominated for. I had a light within me that I had to share with the world. MB: And that led you to become an editor and then the editor in chief? Looney: Not just that. It was a rocky road of ups and downs.

There was sleepless nights and some days when I only ate bacon and iHOP at 4 a.m. I mean most of schedule is like that anyway...I will also say that one of the bigger challenges was working in a newsroom that was not up to snuff. I made sure that changed though, our new newsroom is a pleasant shade of khaki. Goes great with my outfits of blue and khaki. It also goes great with *NSYNC on repeat. “Tearin’ Up My Heart” is just classic. MB: *NSYNC, huh? Looney: Yeah, I think after The ManBuzz I’d like to explore the boy band option with Derrick London. A career in which I could do nothing but listen to Kanye West all day would be nice too, but “Good Life” doesn’t quite lend itself to all of the *NSYNC choreography I already know by heart. Plus, my likeness to Rick Astley might pay off in the pop industry. Ah d-d-d-d-d-d-d! MB: What? Looney: What now? Sorry—I thought I had accidentally posted a blog with an oxford comma. MB: Oh, okay...well. Anyway,

tell us about bacon. Is it a big staple in your life? Looney: Bacon is not a mere food. Don’t call it as such. It is so much more than that. In fact, I...leave a small section of bacon after every meal and carry it around with me. MB: Wow, you must love it. Looney: I am actually considering starting a Voices for Bacon organization. All proceeds would go toward a fund to buy and eat bacon. (Knocks writs against his teeth) MB: What’re you doing there? Looney: What? Nothing. MB: What? Looney: Nervous habit. MB: What are you nervous about? Looney: Well...it’s just...if we could wrap this up, I really need to go Tweet and post something something from The ManBuzz Facebook account. I mean now. Right now.

SNOWJOB: It was really, really sloppy RULES: Who cares?!?! Continued from page 1 worker Max Velocity said. “I was always out of breath, and it ruined my pair of work pants.” Additionally, more than 75 percent of the 45 fitting materials workers were working on the snowjob at all times, compared to 20 percent in

the 2005 snowjob. “I’ve never seen so many people working on a snowjob at a time,” De Vil said. While MU saved money on this snowjob, the University of Oklahoma facilities crew spent the most money on the snowjob in the country, coughing up more than

$2,000. “That was the most demanding snowjob I have ever encountered,” University of Oklahoma Facility Manager Brian Deepthroat said. “We paid a wholly unfair price for that snowjob.” MU hopes to save more money on snowjobs in 2012.

Continued from page 1

Despite student backlash, Broce said he would like to The Rainforest continue to grow over the next few years—including the expansion of the tailgate to the grassy areas outside the parking lot. “I’d like to see every student tailgating at The Rainforest,” he said. “If

we could expand to the grassy areas and open space on campus, I guess we could see that come to fruition pretty quickly.” Broce added the new rules have not yet been finalized but should be ratified at the next SSGA meeting that meets quoru, which sources claim may not happen before the start of football season in three years.

AP RIL FO O L S , 2 0 1 1 — T H E M AN B U Z Z

*This section in The Maneater is part of our annual satirical April Fool’s issue. Non of the content is in any way accurate.

I MEAN, WHAT THE?

Have questions about these stories? We don’t have the answers, but email us anyway by Googling one of our four news editors

Headmaster brings new stratum of prestige Goodbye, Truman; Salutations, Hiram NATTY LIGHT Staff Miso Soup Eater Faurotcious the iconic bronze tiger will fall to a new, marble gryphon. Headmaster Bradford Charles Landis Arthur Sebastien Déatön announced from his balcony an official mascot change from Truman the Tiger to Hiram Fredrick Wilson Blake Stratton the Gryphon III, named after various former chancellors, Friday. The change is one of many enacted by Déatön to reflect a more cultured student body since the tuition increase was announced in January. “Parents now view this institution as an unlikely aspiration for their children to achieve,” Déatön said. “These adjustments I have brought about are merely to evince the excellence and further cultivate this glorious community.” Sophomore William Samuel Marshall Milton said he was in favor of the mascot change. He scoffed and laughed at the idea of MU’s former mascot. “Oh tigers...quite the curious thought, isn’t it? To think we used to characterize ourselves with something as classless and banal as tigers,” Milton said. “The gryphon

is far superior, and I think Déatön would be hard-pressed to find anything better. ” After the tuition increase, students were required to take an etiquette test. Those who failed were expelled. Milton said he thought the etiquette test was a good way to get rid of outliers to the new MU society. “Ah yes, the etiquette test was quite integral portion in mobilizing the student population toward a socially acceptable status quo,” Milton said. “The times of barbaric behavior in the student body such as boisterous social interaction, reckless table manners and uninhibited use of grass areas is behind us, and remains merely as a faint recollection.” Etiquette testing will be required for all prospective students. Students have also begun to follow a new, unspoken dress code, and Déatön created the Department of Appropriate Personal Presentation to reinforce and reflect that change. “Gentlemen should only wear Vineyard Vines brand top hats, monocles and bow ties, ladies should wear couture only,” Appropriate Personal Presentation Department director Francesca Marie Rose Victoria Appleton said. “I look down upon those who have the audacity to don made-to-wear looks. J.Crew and Banana Republic do not suffice.” Other minor changes include

GRANT SHORT/WOMANEATER

Freshman Sir William Liverpool IV Jr. and Carmelo Bambino gaze at their new campus after walking between the columns during Tiger Walk. Both students say they decided to attend MU because of the tuition increase and the prestige of paying too much for college.

adopting British spellings of words like “favourite” and “colour” as the official spellings, a British-accent course requirement, chandeliers will be installed in dining halls, mahogany banisters will replace railings on all staircases, dining

ManBuzz reporters involved in Burrito Gate The investigations of the burrito scheme is still pending, but the outlook is good. Can’t stand poeple after 8 p.m. editor

ALLY BRANG Staff Don’t Fire Me

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION SURPRISINGLY NOT BY GRANT SHORT

This illustration embodies the scandalous reports of The ManBuzz reporter and editor’s indulgence in burrito contraband. The Campus Radio Station news investigators have been nominated for journalism bravery awards for their discovery of Burrito Gate, but the investigations are still pending.

Holanick said while taking another bite. “It is saddening to me that the news investigator can’t empathize with this.” Mandy Capyou, another ManBuzz reporter who ate a burrito, said she didn’t see what the problem was, clearly showing guilt in the act. “What’s worse: sneaking a $3 burrito or having an entire newsroom funded by SSGA attempt to watchdog?” she said. Accuracy checks for these exclusive quotes conducted by Campus Radio Station investigators are still in the works and should not be taken too seriously. CRS conducted numerous other investigations into the funds of the burritos, including attempting to sunshine request lunch and dinner receipts from The ManBuzz. CRS

news investigators were shocked to find that The ManBuzz did not keep receipts for each day of the week of their meals bought in and out of the newsroom at the university and conducted an even deeper investigation of their findings. While the investigation of that investigation is still pending, the public has recognized the Campus Radio Stations efforts by rebroadcasting the series about five times every other day, but only on business days, since it was released. The finalists of journalism bravery awards will be announced next year, and the Campus Radio Station investigators will also have exclusive interviews ready. The ManBuzz will have interviews ready but they won’t be exclusive.

Déatön surveyed the land beneath his white-columned, Victorian-style house and said, “Just as I had surmised, this institution for higher education has reached a new stratum of prestige with a learning environment of unparalleled caliber.”

State legislators spiral into depression from voting student curator Support groups have formed for the legislators who voted against the bill.

KALLY WALPHER News investigators from the Campus Radio Station have been nominated for numerous awards in journalism bravery after unearthing that ManBuzz employees indulged in Some Student Government Association contraband burritos last week. The story, which was broadcast in a series of 30-second spurts, has become known to the public as Burrito Gate. The CRS news investigator who approached The ManBuzz reporters asked them if they knew if SSGA had paid for the burritos they were eating. “Mmmm,” The ManBuzz editor said through a mouth full of rice and chicken. But upon swallowing the food, The ManBuzz reporters had no comment at the moment. However, the station did receive an exclusive interview response from The ManBuzz editor. “Are you shitting me?” the ManBuzz editor said. The campus radio station did, since it was a special occasion, accuracy check this quote and was confirmed. The news investigators continued to uncover the plot as The ManBuzz reporters reflected on the event later that night. “It is common knowledge that real, hard-working journalists are often strapped for cash,” Shelly

halls must serve seven course meals, students are strongly encouraged to have four or more names unless multiple-middle-name-inhibiting cultural diversity can be proven and peer advisers will be referred to as prefects.

Their worst nightmare has come true: a voting student member was voted by the State General Assembled Crowd to be added to the UM System Board of Curators. The Parliament of Curating Lords has had a student member, but in the past, he or she has had no voting rights. The vote, that recently took place a few weeks ago, was prefaced by a four-week debate on the bill, with legislators sleeping in their offices, crying themselves to sleep and going on hunger strikes to try and prevent the bill from passing. Merely three days since the legislation passed in the Senate by a slim margin, support groups formed, the most popular being titled “Duck Tape the Students’ Mouths.” The group has been sponsored by Rep. Mickey Momsen, who told the Rollumbia Assurian that there a student has no place “running the school.” “Duck Tape the Student’s Mouths” has made a variety of apparel to support their cause, all which is being sold by shutemup.com. Aside from weawring their support, the group has also made 24-hour therapists

available to group members, and for the days when they can barely get off of bed from how depressed they are of the situation, hospices can come to legislators’ houses to take care of them. “Some days are harder than others for me to deal with it,” Momsen said. “I’m just trying to get through it one day at a time. ” Rep. Carrie Spill of Columbia, who pushed to get her legislation through these past months, is absolutely thrilled. “The System serves the students before anyone else,” she said. “Their votes need to be counted in all official matters pertaining to their education.” The ManBuzz staff attempted to approach many of the legislators who voted against the bill, but due to their extensive appointments with their shrinks and rather swollen faces from tears, they were not available. Gov. Trey Tricksin said he is debating shutting down the Capitol for a few years to let his legislators get their thoughts together and come back ready to work. Even in the midst of her legislative counterparts’ breakdowns and therapy sessions, Spill said she personally has been celebrating for weeks and is even contemplating a trip to Disney World with her fellow legislators in support of the voting student curator. “I mean, the Wisconsin Dems left and for the time it seemed to work out for them,” she said. “Power to the people!”

* This section in The Maneater is part of our annual satirical April Fool's issue. Non of the content is in any way accurate.

NEWS

POLICE

DEPT.

the BLOTTER The following investigations are absolutely ridiculous, and these people are so totally guilty of everything listed here. Seriously, we kid you not.

Happy Funusos, of all over the world, on suspicion of ignoring height requirments on roller coasters Bunny CoRRRnejo, of just down the street, on suspicion of having a week celebrating Bunny and his people Kally Walpher, of wherever, on suspicion of being shocked that people voted for her editorial, for being feral and for not being able to handle people after 8 p.m. Sheep Dickenburger, of always in the office, on suspicion of being way too optimistic and happy all the time Felicia Rice, of an apartment where they cook tuna to irritate, on suspicion of being drunk on journalism and for buying candy to bribe reporters Murdonk, of the Boone Docks, on suspicion of being so funny when he is angry RyRy Shoesler, of late nights, on suspicion of being the faster writer in the West Abba Suessel, on suspcion of

making people cry...so uncool, jk Heavenly Jonas, of Pink City, on suspicion of looking the cutest all the time Jimbo Everybody-loves-me Tibsch, of Twain Pi, on suspicion of unlawful cloning practices, causing the completion of tasks that are impossible to do at once. Jach Minx, of the sports desk (with its own sign), on suspicion of doing a random outburst of gossip that will always remain in our fond memories Natty Light, of the Twain Pi, on suspicion of injuring herself on too many corners Amy LaBontany, of across the street, on suspicion of having to deal to with Alvin Three-Names Vesty's crazay coding systems Emmy Willrockyou, of da magazine, on suspicion of literally doing everything at the paper. Literally. Everything Maggie Gems, of the L desk, on suspicion of assaulting a friend while falling to the floor and doing it gracefully Derrick London, of Pandora Avenue, on suspicion of assaulting Looney Toombs, emotional abuse and Disney quotes Cassey Tippin’, 19, of who the fuck knows, for public intoxication, indecent exposure, numerous fake IDs, Internet fraud Bradley Spitts, of Hollywood, on suspicion of failure to appear Minnie Mouse, 18, of Sure Thing Hall, was arrested Saturday on allegations of harassment of unruly and rude police officers, forging cartoon characters’ signatures and being a secret assassin Chelsea Basket, 19, of Twain Pi, on suspicion of interrupting a public meeting to explain the proceedings to the public offi-

cials involved and on suspicion of getting lost on jank elevators of Twain Pi and accidentally breaking and entering into the wrong room Jerry Chartman, 21, of Middle Hall, on suspicion of spending his days searching for the perfect real-life Law and Order episode and accidentally leaving before the verdict Gerald Wealthie, 19, of Twain Pi, on suspicion of accidentally burning down several buildings after misusing the microwave to heat cookies Alvin Three-Names Vesty, 21, of Creek Top Apartments, on suspicion of using technology to disappear while secretly fighting crime and stealing the dome from atop Jesse Hall before hiding it in his messenger bag Ally Brang, of Smiley Hall, WAS ARRESTED TUESDAY FOR UNLAWFUL USE OF THE SHIFT AND EXCLAMATION POINT KEYS!!! Teddy Pearlnelli, 19, of Twain Pi, on suspicion of making an unlawful citizens arrest during a police ride along Joshing-me Ravis, 20, of the some local student police force or something, on suspicion of performing an unlawful citizens arrest and reckless driving of a golf cart Ryan Beamer on suspicion of breaking and entering into the gym at 4:30 in the morning and for doing something else, but it’s under investigation so we can’t talk about it Ike Manderson, 51, of Arkansas Ln, on suspicion of treason against Missouri basketball, lying under oath, and assaulting a player with his suit jacket.

APRIL FOOLS , 2011 — THE MANBU Z Z

Perry Ginkel, 49, of Tiger Ave., for constant calling of the shotgun formation from inside the five yard line. Paul Carrie, 18, of Southside, for stealing all the plastic-ware from Dobbs in an attempt to make them more eco-friendly. Lauren Bailinghay, 19, of Southern Hall, for dancing like a white girl at Westside. Nichole Ballet, 21, for assault on a city council member at a council meeting after a four hour debate concerning storm water. Lara Harold, 18, of the Hood, for skipping work to make lengthy phone calls Joshy Yoshi, 20, of the East, for excessive use of mosaic design on a full page house ad Dawna Bootlady, 19, of the wherever the wind blows, for sassing the boss with her stinging sarcasm Corey Percy, 12, of cactus land, for creating hot dog graphics so visually stunning, it caused but the smallest of children to cry with joy Mmmmashley Column, 19, for stealing all the sparkly pink dresses from DEB to sell on the black market to feed her addiction to Mike & Ikes and Skittles Grant Short, 19, of Bro Lodge, on suspicion for denting a car with gourd in the parking lot of Reservoir Apartments. Short was caught observing the crime scene with a pair of Nikon binoculars Pam Gause, 25, of Bro Lodge, arrested after being found to be in possession of a stolen Jorge LaSaratt painting. The painting, missing from an Arizona museum is valued at $100,000. J.Juicy Manitello, 18, of

GiantDorm on suspicion of using either a fishlight for a freshlight at an event. Turtis Caylor 18, of Campus Hill on suspicion of telling too many stories Brain Heineken, 17, of Bro Lodge on suspicion of attempting to remove bushes in Mother Nature's Park. Pitor Pullkowski, 20, of Perseverance Hall, on suspicion of round house kicking someone in the face. Katy Schmurmid, 30, of The Scarlet 'W' House arrested on suspicion of tweeting like she is in America, but being in a foreign country. Steven Prassidy (AKA the Serial Toe Crusher), 18, of Southside Hall, on suspicion of causing large consumptions of Swedish fish Abby Sputnik, 21, of the copy desk, on suspicion of being too fierce like a tiger Nikki Crevasse, 18, of Don't call me Schurzy, on suspicion of getting into email fights with law enforcement officers lol Mandy McDavidson, 40-something, of Garment Hall, on suspicion of talking about the law and saying "long dong" in class Alysha Stormer, of 400 Almond St., on suspicion of something, but she would rather not publish information about it Winettke Jillian, of MIA Lane, on suspicion of texting too many text acronyms to reporters and they don't know when the heck she'll respond Gerry Button, of Stardom High, on suspicion of being too bright a star

The UM System President better be a BAMF.

why are we looking past the queen of diversity herself, Miss Sheila Tequila? She’s a soft-core porn star, a rapper, an entrepreneur, an author, a model: in essence, Tequila embodies it all. She would turn the campus into a party ground like none other, and we would finally get to the top of that “Big Party School” list. Tequila failed to return multiple MySpace PC4PCs and was thus unable to confirm or deny any presidential rumors.

If you have information on these crimes, you can take that information and shove it up your....

Republicans secede We need a hero from the Union Democrats and Republicans agree to cut their losses and divide the nation. SHEEP DICKENBURGER Staff Lame-ass Republicans and Democrats finally agree—the states will be divided between the parties in landmark legislation, which will split the nation in half. The “Fuck You Guys, I’m Going Home” Act was passed late Monday evening, and legislators are now battling for who will have to take Florida. “The Republicans should have to take Florida since Speaker of the House James Boner looks like he’s spent most of his life tanning on their beaches,” Minority Leader Fancy Pel-ohsi said. “Seriously though, he belongs with the other wrinkled old men of the nation.” By going their own ways, legislators from each party hope to actually do something. Last week, Sen. Tear Miassole, D-Mo., proposed Democrats taking the East and Republicans taking the West, but the Republicans voted down the measure. Miassole then offered Republicans have the East and Democrats would take

the West, but Republicans acci- have to take Florida as well. dentally voted “no” again out of “It really wouldn’t be cool if sheer habit. we had to take the two shittiest “I’ve just gotten so used to states,” Joint said. saying ‘no’ to Democratic proMiassole said the battle for posals, I heard my voice saying Missouri was pretty intense ‘nay’ before my mind processed because of Anheuser-Busch and what they were proposing,” Rep. Albert Pujols. Blaze Lugeymaster, R-Mo., said. “Democrats threatened not to Lugeymaster wasn’t alone. export any beer once we conOut of the 146 Republican nays, trolled Missouri, but, in the 145 said they meant to say “aye.” end, we followed tradition and John Paul, R-Texas, was the one backed down,” Miassole said. Republican who voted against As a blue state, all Republicans the proposal on purpose. in Missouri will be asked to “Texas has long held the leave the state. Constitutional right to secede, The Missouri Republican but if Republicans secede before Party suggests Oklahoma for any Texas, it will Missouri make our Republicans state look looking for less badass,” It really wouldn't be cool if we a warm, Paul said. had to take the two shittiest pro-gun “I will only states. location. support the Sen. Roy Joint, R-Mo. “ T h e secession Dems are if Texas is going to use reserved the taxpayer right to secede from the seces- money for crap like high-speed sion.” rail,” Missouri GOP Chairman The debate over who would David Dole said. “I’m not going take Kansas was swift. to say they’re Nazis, but Nazis “We just flipped a coin,” Sen. would support high-speed rail.” Roy Joint, R-Mo., said. “Who All households are being really cares, you know?” asked to move to a state of their Republicans “won” the coin own party by next week. flip and will be stuck with Kansas. Joint said because they took Kansas, Republicans shouldn’t

“

JIMBO EVERYBODY-LOVES-ME TIBSCH Staff Clone Since former President Jerry Foreshadow resigned from his post in December, the students of the four System campuses have been running hysterically looking for a new leader. Just kidding. Only about five students at MU could give half a shit, and three of these reside on The ManBuzz’s editorial board. “What is the UM System?” junior Idonna Givaphuck asked. “I thought Barack Obama was president.” But the High Parliamant of Curating Lords does care, and for this reason, The ManBuzz presents to you today what we see as some of the most viable, and obvious, candidates for the job. Former U.S. Sen. Bonding, R-MO

Kitty

Just kidding. Don’t get your hopes up, people. It’s not going to happen. Unless you break a turkey bone, find a four-leaf clover and do backflips underneath a ladder, Bonding will remain far, far away. Sheila Tequila Everyone seems to have their panties in a bunch that UM System leadership isn’t “diverse enough.” So

Ike Manderson He’s baaaaaaaaaaack! Maybe. Speculation is high as to whether basketball coach Ike Manderson’s “move” to Arkansas is really that. Could it be just a ploy to get him as the UM System president? Actually, quite likely. With next year’s tuition increase, the system will be able to heighten the system president’s salary to $2,200,001, which is $1 higher than Manderson’s offer at Arkansas. We got him in the bag. Jimbo Everybody-Loves-Me Tibsch That’s right. Me. I have been writing about this search since forever, and consequently know everything about the search and the position’s qualifications. Thus, I should be the President. It only makes sense, right? Half of the students give a shit, and I give a shit so I should be The Shit of the campus. Nuff said.

NEWS | PG 7

SPORTS | PG 21

STUDENTS CHOOSE LONGHORNS PROVE ROAD LESS TRAVELED TOO MUCH FOR TIGERS The Tiger baseball team is 1-4 in Big 12 play after falling to the Texas Longhorns in three game series.

After graduation, many students are pursuing options with the Peace Corps and Teach for America.

THE MANEATER THE STUDENT VOICE OF MU SINCE 1955 • TUESDAY, APRIL 5, 2011 • VOLUME 77 ISSUE 47 • WWW.THEMANEATER.COM

Meet Frank

SUSTAINABILITY

Sustain Mizzou honored for project

The curators approved a fiveyear contract for Haith.

The group was also picked to be featured on mtvU.

BRIAN HAENCHEN Staff Writer Missouri’s search for a new men’s basketball coach is over. Missouri Athletics Director Mike Alden put speculation to rest Monday with an announcement that former Miami Hurricanes coach Frank Haith will take over as the Tigers’ men’s basketball coach. In a special closed session Monday night, the UM System Board of Curators approved an employment package of $1.5 million guaranteed for five years, plus

See HAITH, page 6

FRANK HAITH CAREER HEAD COACHING RECORD Year Record Postseason 2004-05 2005-06

16 - 13 18 - 16

2006-07 2007-08 2008-09

12 - 20 23 - 11 19 - 13

2009-10 2010-11

20 - 13 21 - 15

NIT NIT Quarterfinals

NCAA Second Round NIT Second Round

NIT Second Round Winningest Career 129 - 101 Postseason Coach in Miami History

Source: MUTigers.com JOYU WANG | GRAPHIC DESIGNER

LIZ STRATMAN Staff Writer

ALEX BROADWELL/THE MIAMI HURRICANE

University of Miami coach Frank Haith was hired to take Mike Anderson’s spot as head of the Missouri men’s basketball team. Haith led Miami to a 129-101 record during the past seven seasons.

MISSOURI BASKETBALL SHUFFLE

Bowers, English declare for NBA Draft The juniors helped lead the Tigers to a 23-11 record. ZACH MINK Sports Editor Missouri juniors Laurence Bowers and Kim English have declared for the 2011 NBA draft, the university announced Monday afternoon.

Both players chose not to hire an agent and will maintain their academic standing, which gives them the option to return to Missouri by opting out of the draft before the May 8 deadline. Former Tigers DeMarre Carroll and Leo Lyons were the last underclassmen tandem to declare for the draft. Both players returned to Missouri following the 200708 season to lead the Tigers to 31 wins and an Elite Eight

appearance. Bowers had a successful junior campaign for the Tigers, averaging 11.6 points to go along with a team-high 6.1 rebounds per game. The dynamic forward also blocked 62 shots, good for second in the Big 12. Bowers exhibited strong play late in the season, finishing with eight doublefigure scoring games in his last 11.

See NBA, page 6

MU presents professors with $10,000 surprise Two more professors will receive awards later this week. TEDDY NYKIEL Staff Writer

JAMES MILITELLO/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Chancellor Brady Deaton congratulates professor Etti Naveh-Benjamin for winning the Kemper Fellowship for Teaching Excellence on Monday at McAlester Hall. NavehBenjamin was awarded $10,000 by Commerce Bank chairman Jim Schatz.

Chancellor Brady Deaton tapped professor Mike McKean on the shoulder Monday morning in the middle of his 10 a.m. capstone class with a pleasant surprise. Deaton and Commerce Bank Chairman Jim Schatz surprised him with the William T. Kemper Fellowship for Teaching Excellence and a $10,000 award. McKean, along with College of Arts and Science professors Bethany Stone and Etti Naveh-Benjamin, were the three recipients of the award Monday. Two more faculty

2010 KEMPER AWARD WINNERS Michael Barnes, Professor of Classical Studies Srinath Gopalakrishna, Professor of Marketing Anand Prahlad, Professor of English Gregory Triplett, Professor of Engineering

Sustain Mizzou executive board members attended the Clinton Global Initiative University 2011, a program meant to bring together leaders on college campuses worldwide, on April 1 through April 3 in San Diego CGIU S u s t a i n FOCUS AREAS M i z z o u Education President Tina Casagrand Climate said a desire change for assistance with the Poverty group’s ongoing alleviation Sustainahouse project promptHuman ed the organirights zation to apply. This year’s CGI Public health U was held at the University of California, San Diego. Casagrand attended along with Vice President of Programming Monica Everett and Secretary Kat Seal. “People had been suggesting that I, or Sustain Mizzou, apply

See CLINTON, page 6

INSIDE RECORD NUMBERS FOR ASB INVOLVEMENT Alternative Spring Break received a record-high number of applications and added locations. PG. 3, NEWS

YOUR ELECTION GUIDE Read up on the propositions and candidates found on Tuesday's ballot. PG. 9, OUTLOOK

THEMANEATER.COM

Michael Ugarte, Professor of Spanish

Check out our weekly Sports Podcast for MU basketball talk.

members will be presented with the honor later this week. McKean helped create the convergence journalism emphasis area,

News................................... 3 Outlook.............................. 9 Forum.............................. 12 Arts.................................. 15 Sports............................... 19

See KEMPER, page 6

TU ES DAY, APRIL 5, 2011 â&#x20AC;&#x201D; THE MANEATER

ETC.

An overview of upcoming events, weather and more Reach us by email at maneater@themaneater.com

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THE MANEATER TATE CHITWOOD/ STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Blog: Word cloud: Reactions to Andersonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s departure

Acting General Counsel Phil Hoskins waits for a phone conference to begin Monday at University Hall during an emergency UM System Board of Curators meeting.

Greek Life report details systemâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s weaknesses Web Update: Purdue works to keep Painter as Missouri makes its case Column: How I became the mayor of Memorial Union Web Update: Anderson out: Missouri coach leaves for Arkansas

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Events + Weather TUESDAY 5

WEDNESDAY 6

Maneater Executive Editor Elections 5:30 p.m. Room 2-6, Agriculture Building

International Student Workshop â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Optional Practical Training 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. Memorial Union N52

THURSDAY 7 Lynne Arriale Quartet featuring Randy Brecker and the MU Concert Jazz Band 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. The Blue Note

Pride Month Art Show 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Memorial Union N12

Mostly sunny High: 63 Low: 47

Earn your degree in the fast-growing

Mostly sunny High: 71 Low: 51

Thunderstorms High: 70 Low: 61

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TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 2 0 1 1 — T H E M A N E AT E R

NEWS

Coverage of organizations, events and issues important to the university Reach University News Editor Travis Cornejo at tcornejo@themaneater.com and Student Organizations Editor Kaylen Ralph at kralph@themaneater.com

Alternative Spring Break fosters friendships, service A record-high number of 400 students applied for the program. MARIE MANDELBERG Staff Writer Mizzou Alternative Spring Break sent more than 190 students to 17 different locations around the country this spring break to work on service projects, ASB Treasurer Cole Donelson said. ASB traveled to North Carolina, Florida, South Dakota and Texas, among other locations, and volunteered for multiple projects, including building houses, invasive plant removal, AIDS awareness promotion and working at soup kitchens. Students who participate in ASB are required to go through an application process. “We look for students who are really enthusiastic about doing service and willing to fully commit to a trip,” Donelson said. ASB’s scope has increased this year, expanding from about 90 students in eight locations in 2010, Donelson said. ASB President Raha Obaei said a record-breaking 400 students applied. Zach Beattie spent his spring break in Charleston, S.C. His trip focused on helping kids with intellectual disabilities and included spending the day with

children who have autism and facilitate and watch them grow helping at a therapeutic riding in their leadership and love for center. service was an absolutely amaz“Many students travel during ing experience,” Tossing said. spring break in an attempt to “The work we were doing was have as much fun as possible and hard, but the people I was with they assume volunteering would made the load so much lighter impede on their ‘fun time,’ with their great attitudes and but Alternative Spring Break outstanding ethic; every person was just as much fun as it was brought something unique to the rewarding,” Beattie said. “You trip that I couldn’t imagine the meet new people, see new sights experience without.” and experience new activities, Obaei said she has never heard all while assisting people who of a student having a bad experigreatly appreciate your time.” ence while participating in ASB Chelsea and encourages Tossing was all students to a site leader apply. To take ten participants in Niceville, “I really Fla., on an that were equally as dedi- think that ASB e n v i r o n - cated and to facilitate and is a life-changm e n t a l l y - watch them grow in their ing experioriented trip. ence,” Obaei The group leadership and love for said. “Once you focused on service was an absolutely are out of colthe environ- amazing experience. lege, you won’t ment and have the chance c o m m u n i t y Chelsea Tossing to take a week that had Site leader of ASB off and do serbeen directly vice work for and indian issue you are rectly affected by the oil spill. really passionate about.” They cleared invasive trees and Obaei said her closest friends planted sea grass to help prevent are people she volunteered with coastal erosion. at ASB. A site leader not only partici“The best part about ASB was pates in the volunteer projects, becoming closer to the other but is also responsible for plan- members of your group,” Beattie ning the trip. said. “Everyone has unique The leader then takes eight talents that they bring to the to 10 students on their planned table and it’s amazing to see trip. how everyone works together “To take ten participants that to accomplish something worthwere equally as dedicated and to while.”

“

Program cuts leave some faculty members bitter JIMMY HIBSCH Associate Editor The Missouri Department of Higher Education’s decision in February to eliminate 119 academic programs statewide has left some educators scratching their heads. Inside Higher Ed compiled a list of five myths surrounding program cuts, ranging from the belief that cutting programs with low enrollment is a “no-brainer” to the notion that the faculty has no say in program cuts. “Some institutions are actually in dire straits, and for them, a declaration of financial exigency and program cuts may be unavoidable and appropriate,” the article stated. “But the vast majority of public universities are experiencing increases in revenues and reserves.” Stephen Montgomery-Smith, vice president of MU’s chapter of the American Association of University Professors, believes this list to be spot on. “We didn’t think the cuts were very sensible,” Montgomery-Smith said. “They seemed to give the impression of saving money, without actually doing so. It didn’t make sense to get rid of some programs because they were pretty important.” At MU, 19 programs were eliminated. Six new programs are being proposed because of the report, which includes the merging of a few former programs. Some program eliminations were simply the removal of a doctorate degree program, Montgomery-Smith said. “The faculty you need for the master’s program are oftentimes the exact same faculty you need for the Ph.D program,” Montgomery-

Smith said. “So what you’re really getting rid of is a piece of paper that allows you to get a Ph.D degree. Some of the programs weren’t really doing anything. But again, it was saving no money. If you have a program that’s doing nothing, then it doesn’t cost any money to maintain it.” Such was the case with the elimination of the Natural Resources master’s degree, School of Natural Resources Director Mark Ryan said. Faculty members met throughout the fall semester to fight for the continued presence of many programs. From these meetings, 50 programs were salvaged. Thirteen of these are being recommended for follow-up in three years. But these discussions seemed to contradict what faculty members’ main duty at MU is, Montgomery-Smith said. “If you think about it, you waste a lot of people’s time when they are trying to find justification as to why to keep a program,” he said. “They could have spent that time doing what they are supposed to do — teaching and research.” Montgomery-Smith said he believes MU shouldn’t immediately look to program cuts to save money in the future. Instead, he said the university should stop “actively wasting money.” For instance, he cited the removal of engineering professor Greg Engel from a project that helped secure a $2 million federal earmark. “You’re taking this money, which has the opportunity to produce something really good, and giving it to people who don’t really know what they’re doing,” Montgomery-Smith said. The final list of program cuts is awaiting approval from the state.

COURTESY OF CHELSEA TOSSING

Junior Raha Obaei, senior Jessica Garrett, junior Tim MacNair and freshman Claire Virden plant sea grass on a beach in West Florida to prevent erosion as part of the Mizzou Alternative Spring Break program. Obaei said a record-breaking 400 students applied to the program.

ASB ADDS MORE LOCATIONS

Alternative Spring Break had a record number of participants in this year’s service projects.

Felton, Minnesota Eagle Butte, South Dakota

Slick Rock, Colorado Dove Creek, Colorado

Detroit, Michigan Xenia, Ohio

Lousiville, Kentucky Knoxville, Tennessee

Memphis,Tennessee

Pittsboro, North Carolina

Eastover, South Carolina Atlanta, Georgia

Birmingham, Dallas, Texas Alabama

Charleston, South Carolina Niceville, Florida

ASHLEY LANE | GRAPHICS ASSISTANT

MSA Senate 30 percent full for next academic year KELLY OLEJNIK Staff Writer The Missouri Students Association held senator elections March 21 through March 23. A total of 3,276 students voted in the election, Board of Elections Commissioners Chairman Logan Borgsmiller said. Students were able to vote for senators running for election within their academic college as well as a vote in support or opposition to a referendum on the Good Samaritan policy. The number of students who voted exclusively for senators totaled to 2,325, and the number of students who voted on the referendum totaled to 951, Borgsmiller said. The total number of student votes was smaller compared to previous elections, he said. “This number is a bit smaller compared to previous elections,” Borgsmiller said in an email. “However, this is due primarily to the fact that less candidates ran for spots this year. In fact, when analyzing the data, proportionally speaking, this election was identical to those of the past.” Borgsmiller said 22 candidates ran for senate seats, and all were elected. However, according to MSA bylaws, Senate should be made up of 71 elected senators. Fourteen of those students were firsttime candidates and eight were running for reelection, Borgsmiller said. MSA Student Affairs Committee Chairman Tyler Ricketts said although he was happy with the voter turnout, there should have been more senators running

for election. “There were a number of academic colleges that didn’t have a single senator run, which is unacceptable to me,” Ricketts said in an email. “A key component of any democracy is competition, and there really wasn’t any in this election. MSA President Eric Woods said he was also disappointed in the number of senators that ran for election. “In past elections, we have had very competitive races in multiple colleges, but this year very few were even contested,” Woods said in an email. Ricketts said there should have been more advertising of senator elections to students. “We can always do more to advertise MSA to students, and elections are just one part of that,” Woods said. “I personally would have liked to have seen more advertisement. I’m not really sure what the BEC did to this end.” Woods said because he has been busy with his own work, the senator elections “snuck up” on him. “It might have had something to do with the fact that Jake Sloan had to step down as (BEC) chair when he was elected speaker, and the transition may have thrown a wrench in things,” he said. Borgsmiller said the BEC had done its best to advertise the elections. “I’m of the opinion that any election or event could always be advertised better, but I firmly believe that BEC did the best they possibly could considering the budgetary constraints they were forced to operate with,” he said.

TU ES DAY, APRIL 5, 2011 — THE MANEATER

NEWS

POLICE

Executive editor elections for The Maneater are today. 5:30 p.m. Room 2-6 Agriculture Building

OLD 63 NORTH

3. POLICE MAKE DWI ARREST Tw e n t y - s e v e n - y e a r - o l d Nathaniel Demian was arrested early Saturday morning on suspicion of a felony count of driving while intoxicated, operating a motor vehicle with a suspended or revoked license, and driving on the highway in a careless and imprudent manner. A CPD officer pulled over the suspect for driving without headlights around 12:10 a.m. near the intersection of Hickory and Court streets, Wienke said. The officer determined Demian was intoxicated and driving with a revoked license.

VANDIVER DRIVE

Driving while intoxicated, operating a motor vehicle with a suspended or revoked license

STADIUM BLVD

MU CAMPUS

COLLEGE AVENUE

1. FIGHT LEADS TO ASSAULT, RESISTING ARREST CHARGES Dwessie Hightower, 20, was arrested on suspicion of third-degree domestic assault, second-degree property damage and resisting arrest after an incident Friday afternoon. At about 4 p.m. Columbia Police Department officers responded to a disturbance at 301 Tiger Lane. A caller reportedly told the officers they could hear a man and woman fighting. The caller said the woman was yelling for help. Police determined the two had been fighting and Hightower had assaulted the victim. CPD spokeswoman Jill Wieneke said in an email that there were noticeable scratches and bruises on the victim’s body. Hightower resisted arrest when the officers arrived inside his apartment and tried to detain him, Wieneke said. The officers discovered several of the victim’s belongings received

BROADWAY

2 4. SUSPECT ARRESTED IN HIT AND RUN Simone M. Tillman, 20, was arrested early Saturday morning on suspicion of second-degree assault and a felony count of leaving the scene of a motor vehicle accident. CPD officers responded to the University Medical Center Emergency Room, where they spoke with a woman who was reportedly struck by Tillman’s vehicle. The victim said she knew Tillman, who allegedly yelled out the window at the victim and accelerated straight toward her, striking her with the vehicle before fleeing the scene. The police also identified a wit-

Armed criminal action, second-degree domestic assault and driving while intoxicateddomestic assault, second-degree property damage and resisting arrest

BUSINESS LOOP 70

PROVIDENCE ROAD

The following investigations are in progress, and the following people were arrested or issued summons, according to police reports.

Third-degree domestic assault, second-degree property damage and resisting arrest WEST BLVD

the BLOTTER

STADIUM BLVD

DEPT.

2. TRAFFIC STOP LEADS TO MULTIPLE FELONY CHARGES CPD officers arrested 25-yearold Charles Kelly after an alleged traffic violation at 7:30 p.m. Friday near 3300 Falling Leaf Lane. Kelly is now charged with possession of controlled substances, unlawful possession of a concealable weapon and three felony charges, including receiving stolen property, resisting arrest and an outstanding warrant. The officer who made the traffic stop received backup from a K9 unit. The accompanying dog smelled narcotics in the suspect’s vehicle. Wieneke said Kelly would not step out of his vehicle when asked by the officers and began to physically resist arrest. The officers found Kelly to be in possession of marijuana and a stolen firearm.

RANGELINE STREET

damage from Hightower during the fight.

Second-degree assault and one felony count of leaving the scene of a motor vehicle accident

Third-degree domestic assault, possession of controlled substances, unlawful possession of a concealable weapon, receiving stolen property and resisting arrestproperty damage and resisting arrest

ness who saw the car strike the victim. Wieneke said Tillman was found and arrested by police at 1309 Fox Run Drive. 5. WIFE REPORTEDLY ASSAULTS HUSBAND WITH KNIFE Candace Robinson, 39, faces charges of armed criminal action, second-degree domestic assault and driving while intoxicated after an incident early Sunday morning. CPD officers responded to a disturbance at 2904 Rangeline St. at approximately 1:45 a.m. Wieneke said the victim reported Robinson, his wife, had assaulted him with a knife. The officers discovered Robinson was intoxicated and determined she

ASHLEY LANE | GRAPHICS ASSISTANT

and the victim had started an argument before Robinson began hitting the victim. The attack reportedly escalated when Robinson pulled out a knife and cut the victim several times. The victim’s injuries were minor, and he declined medical attention. —Tony Puricelli, staff writer If you have information on these crimes, you may contact Crime Stoppers at 875-TIPS. All calls are confidential. If a court authority later proves innocence of a charge stated in the Blotter, contact The Maneater to request an updated entry.

TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 20 1 1 — T H E M A N E AT E R

NEWS

MU hosts first Asian American Awareness Month Twenty-one events will be held over the course of the month.

event, which was originally slated to be a barbeque outside but was held inside because of the cold temperatures. Monday’s dinner was one of 21 events being hosted throughout JIMMY HIBSCH the month. Hereandnow, an Asian Associate Editor American theatre troupe, is making a stop at MU on Thursday. A week wasn’t enough to This is an event that has Pham hold MU’s Asian American particularly excited. programming. “I’ve heard from many student The university is hosting its first leaders from across the Midwest ever Asian American Awareness who have brought them say they’re Month throughout April. really good,” Pham said. “I’ve “My freshman year when it was never personally seen them, but Asian American Awareness Week, everyone seems very excited for it was really just AAA planning them to come.” and coordinating all of the events,” Friday, the South Asian Asian American Association Students Association will host its President Christyona Pham said. second bone marrow drive of the “Since my freshman year, we’ve year. had a lot more Asian-interest “The low matching rate among groups come about and get stronminorities is problematic espeger.” Because of this, she said the cially when a large majority of the organizations oftentimes had trou- population is considered a minority,” SASA ble fitting all member and of the events event orgathey’d hoped to host into We all worked so hard to plan nizer Sheela Lal said. just one the whole month. We really “Lymphoma week. As a hope that it all will have a and other result, they lymphatic didn’t have great turnout. diseases hit as many proAvy Kea people from grams. all ethnicities. “It just AAA Executive Vice President R e g i s t e r i ng came to the potentially donate as point where there weren’t enough to a minority will make a days for everyone,” Pham said. The month’s programming difference.” On April 18 on Lowry Mall, began Monday with a Kick-Off dinner held in Memorial Union. AAA will host an Asian Street About 30 people showed up to the Market, which will feature food

“

JAMES MILITELLO/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Senior Joey Huynh listens to instructions to a game during the Asian American Association Barbecue on Monday at South Memorial Union. This year AAA is celebrating Asian Awareness Month for a full month, instead of a week as it did last year.

from seven Asian countries spanning Vietnam, Korea and China. “I’m excited, but kind of scared, for the Asian Street Market because that’s the one I’m in charge of,” AAA webmaster Danny Poon said. “They’ve done it the past few years.” Later in the month, Mike Song, a former member of the Kaba Modern dance crew on the first season of “America’s Best Dance Crew,” will be hosting a dance workshop in the Student

Many student parents say MU lacks basic services, support Student parents are seeking more accommodations and institutional support.

Center adviser Suzy Day said. “We encourage people to come to our program and to bring their children.” The Women’s Center held the grand opening for a new multipurpose family room Friday. NICOLE KRASAVAGE The new family room provides student parents with a space of Staff Writer their own, Day said. It serves as a lactation station From finding a bathroom with a changing table to searching for for breast-feeding mothers, and places on campus that are kid- it includes lockers for parents to friendly, some student parents store baby bags throughout the argue many aspects of MU are day. It is also a child friendly locaunaccommodating. “I think Mizzou is pretty tion with doors that can shut, so unfriendly for students with chil- parents can work on homework dren, for the most part,” senior while their children play. “I think Mizzou needs to conLauren Ma said. “There’s some organizations like the Women’s tinue to add these things,” Day Center that do really well with said. “I think Mizzou just needs to be aware of helping parthe issues that ents and do exist and be children feel accommodatwelcome, but I don’t feel like MU is ing.” for the most understanding to nonGraduate part, I think student Emily Mizzou is traditional students. It’s Marschall has very unwel- hard to find other student coming.” parents, and we’re having two children under the age of T h e a hard time networking five and said she W o m e n ’ s and pulling our resources agrees with Ma Center protogether. that MU does vides many not do a good d i f f e r e n t Emily Marschall job of accomresources to graduate student modating stustudent parents, such as a library with books dent parents. “I don’t think that campus and magazine subscriptions for parents, along with many other really thinks about student parents,” Marschall said. “From really services for everyday students. “Our biggest resource is our simple things like trying to have family-friendly space,” Women’s my children on campus to find-

“

ing a place to change diapers. I’m fortunate that I’m in a really supportive academic department.” Ma said the MU Student Center is a step in the right direction for student parents. It has changing tables in the bathrooms and is a kid-friendly environment. Although more student parent accommodations similar to these around campus would be beneficial, Marschall said raising awareness is more important. “I feel like there isn’t a whole lot of awareness or understanding,” Marschall said. “I don’t feel like MU is understanding to nontraditional students. It’s hard to find other student parents, and we’re having a hard time networking and pulling our resources together.” Although MU makes big strides on showing how diverse the school is, very few student parent opportunities come up on campus, Marschall said. “I’m in grad school because of my kids,” Marschall said. “I want to get a better job and support them. I don’t feel like there’s a whole lot of support for me on campus. As a woman on campus who happens to be a mother, I’m just invisible.” Chancellor Brady Deaton started Family Friendly Task Force to make sure MU is filling these needs. “The university is definitely making steps,” Day said.

Recreation Complex. The Filipino American Students Association and AAA are bringing Abet Lardizabal, a Filipina American spoken word artist and singer, and Vida Benvides, who is the founder of APIAVote, an organization aimed to promote civic participation amongs the Asian American community. Jason Yang, a YouTube electric violin celebrity, will perform April 28.

The conglomeration of events is sure to make for an interesting and exciting month, AAA External Vice President Avy Kea said. “I don’t have just one event that I’m more excited for than any of the others,” Kea said. “We all worked so hard to plan the whole month. We really hope that it all will have a great turnout. This kind of redefines AAA. It shows us that we can do more than just a week.”

New graphic to show student funds allocation AMANDA CAPUA Staff Writer The Missouri Students Association is working on creating an interactive graphic showing where student fees are allocated and what benefits students have because of those allocations. “The general idea is to make an easy-to-read graphic that is appealing to the eye and explains what the fees are for,” MSA Budget Committee member Tim Cunningham said. Cunningham brought the idea to MSA and wrote the legislation to create the student-fee graphic after discussing it at a committee meeting. “I was talking Vicky Riback Wilson, the fellowship coordinator, and students were asking her where the student fees go,” Cunningham said. “She found out I was in MSA, and she suggested that we make it easy to see where the student fee money goes.” Director of Student Communications Victoria Craig said they are trying to advertise what the fees are, and how they’re spent. “Students have to pay fees for the (Student Recreation Complex) and the (Student Health Center), and they wonder what they get out of paying the fees,” Craig said. “This is how we can relate it to students.” MSA President Eric Woods said they want to present the fees in a way that is accessible to students. “We’re trying to find ways to make a breakdown of student fees and show what each fee is specifi-

cally and how much of their money goes to it,” Woods said. Craig said the graphic will show how student organizations are spending the fees because it is important students know how their money is being spent. The breakdown will be posted to the MSA website, Woods said. It will be an interactive graphic similar to a pie chart showing where all the student fees go and what services students receive from each fee. Cunningham said some fees are more apparent than others. “Some fees such as the Rec Center and Student Health fee are very apparent and visible,” Cunningham said. “Others are less apparent, such as the Associated Students of the University of Missouri, an organization that helps educate students about the political process as well as actively lobbies for student interests.” Cunningham said he supplied the information about the fees for the website, and web developers were working on designing the graphic and putting it on the website. They will create a separate tab for students to click on to look at the graphic. Besides creating an online graphic, Woods said they have another idea in the works. “We’d like to publish informational pamphlets about the student fee breakdown and include them in the freshmen residence hall handouts they receive in their dorms.” Woods said they are still working on completing the graphic for the website, but it will be finished by the end of the semester.

TU ES DAY, MARC H 22, 2011 — THE MANEATER

NEWS

HAITH: Alden attributes fans' pessimism to passion Continued from page 1 a $100,000 in deferred annual compensation, with a one-year automatic extension that begins on May 1, 2012. “We’re very pleased to have such a well-rounded and respected man lead our basketball program into the future,” Alden said. “Frank has the character and integrity we are looking for, and he’s someone who is very excited to be a Missouri Tiger. And of course, we feel that all of these qualities combined, when given the opportunity at a program with a proud tradition and resources such as ours at Mizzou, that he’s going to win at a very high level.” Haith praised MU’s facilities and fans in a news release Monday night. “I have always had a tremendous amount of respect for this university and this program,” Haith said. “I coached against Norm Stewart. The support of the students and administration is second-to-none and the tradition is outstanding.”

Haith posted an overall record of 129-99 in his seven seasons as coach at Miami. He went 40-63 in Atlantic Coast Conference games. Miami’s best season under Haith came in 2008 when the team finished 23-11 and reached the second round of the NCAA tournament. The team went 8-8 in conference play, good for fifth in the ACC. That was Miami’s only NCAA tournament appearance under Haith. “(Coach Haith has) done a tremendous job as the leader of our basketball program since he got here,” Miami deputy athletics director Tony Hernandez said in a news conference Monday afternoon. “He’s leaving the program in excellent condition. We’re excited for our future and wish him, his wife Pam and his two children the best of luck at Missouri.” Before taking over as head coach at Miami, Haith served as an assistant coach at Texas A&M, Penn State, Wake Forest and the University of Texas.

NBA: Players not projected for draft Continued from page 1 “I think for anyone who plays college basketball, having a chance to play in the NBA is dream,” Bowers said in a news release. “I had a chance to talk with my family and other loved ones and this is something I want to do. This rule is in place to allow guys like us to explore their options and make an informed decision.” After averaging a team-high 14 points per game in the 200910 season, English had a disappointing junior season. The Baltimore, Md., native averaged 10 points and three rebounds while struggling to find consistency on the offensive end. Despite the down year, English said he was excited to test the

new NBA waters. “This is an opportunity I am looking forward to, to see where I stand as a basketball player,” English said in a news release. “I have loved my experience at Missouri, and I will make sure everything is in order for me to return if that’s the best decision for me and my family. This rule is in place for us, the player, so I want to take advantage of it and do what I can do to become a better all-around player.” Neither player is projected to be drafted, and both fail to appear on ESPN analyst Chad Ford’s Top 100 Draft Prospects. The announcement comes in the midst of a coaching transition, as newly appointed Frank Haith was officially announced Monday night.

Many Missouri fans did not echo Barnes’ optimism immediately after it was reported that Haith had been hired, however. Alden, who was the target of most of the fans’ criticism, explained why he believed his decision had drawn so much criticism. “We have very passionate fans,” Alden said. “And I think when you’re announcing a new coach and there isn’t a lot known about the particular candidates, and someone comes to the forefront that not a lot of people know about, in that time of uncertainty, that emotion comes out.” Alden continued to say that he hopes the “passionate” Missouri fan base will start to embrace Haith now that the reasons behind his hire have been announced. Haith will address the media for the first time as the Missouri men’s basketball coach at 10 a.m. Tuesday. Visit themaneater.com tonight for a sports podcast from the press conference with Frank Haith.

JAMES MILITELLO/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Athletics Director Mike Alden discusses the hiring of the new men’s basketball coach Frank Haith on Monday night at Mizzou Arena. Despite speculation that MU had offered the job to Purdue coach Matt Painter and been rejected, Alden said he only offered the position to Haith.

CLINTON: The former president launched the program in 2007 Continued from page 1 for it for a number of years now, but you need to have a specific project that you would like to get some help with and would like to commit to and we thought with the sustainable living houses it would be a great opportunity,” Casagrand said. According to the CGI U website, President Bill Clinton launched CGI U in 2007 to “engage the next generation of leaders on college campuses around the world.” CGI U hosts a meeting every year to bring together leaders at college campuses around the world. Their five focus areas are education, environment and climate change, peace and human rights, poverty alleviation and public health. “There were plenary sessions,

which highlighted some commitments that groups made and they also had panel discussions with really inspiring people,” Casagrand said. Casagrand said Everett, Seal and herself all split up and attended different sessions. Casagrand attended a presentation about fundraising. “The energy at the conference was nothing but positive,” Seal said. “I feel rejuvenated and proud to be a part of this generation.” In the environment and climate change session, “The Anatomy of a Building: Breaking Down Our Built Environment,” Sustain Mizzou was recognized. “We got onstage and they introduced our project and gave us a little certificate, which was nice,” Casagrand said. “We didn’t have to speak or do a presentation or any-

thing. They just looked off of our application and talked about it.” Aside from Sustain Mizzou’s attendance at CGI U, they were also selected to be featured on an mtvU video countdown show. “Somebody from CGI U chose our project and obviously, our group, to be featured on mtvU’s Dean’s List,” Casagrand said. “So we picked a song to introduce and wrote a script explaining our project and how we’re representing the University of Missouri at CGI U and what we plan to do with our commitment.” Casagrand said she is unsure of when their appearance on mtvU will be broadcasted. “Attending CGI U was inspiring on so many levels,” Seal said. “It is a powerful feeling to be with a group of young people that are passionate and committed to a certain goal.”

KEMPER: Two more professors to receive awards Continued from page 1 teaches the convergence capstone course and serves as the director of the Reynolds Journalism Institute Student Competition. He was the second of three recipients to receive the award Monday. Two more faculty members will be surprised with the honor later this week. A camera crew and several local reporters followed Deaton and Schatz, documenting the reactions of McKean and his students. “I was totally shocked,” McKean said. “I mean, I was right in the middle of student presentations in class, and I get tapped on the shoulder, and it’s the chancellor, and that’s a bit of a surprise.”

The five recipients will be formally recognized at a banquet dinner later this month where the footage will be played. Stone teaches in the Division of Biological Sciences and NavehBenjamin teaches psychology and Israeli culture courses, and serves as the director of the Multicultural Certificate program. Upon receiving the award, McKean said it was easy to do his job every day because of the students he teaches, and said he hopes his award also reflected the hard work of his students. “The School of Journalism students are always outstanding students any way you want to measure it, so it’s a lot easier to be an effective teacher when you’ve got students that want to learn and are

capable of learning and really want your advice because they want a job, and they’re very passionate about it,” he said. Senior Matt Schmertz was in McKean’s capstone class and said he wasn’t surprised McKean was recognized for the award since he views him as a mentor. “He actually really encouraged me to become a convergence journalism student,” Schmertz said. “I was kind of confused about what exactly I wanted to do with my career up until about a year ago, and after taking the iPhone class with him, it really got me interested in mobile development and how I can relate my journalism skills to kind of a different area of interest which is the whole application development.”

McKean said his mentor is Rod Gillett, his former broadcasting professor at MU. “He was very professional, he had very high standards, but he always had a lot of time to work with students, including me, outside the classroom or the newsroom,” McKean said. “I just try to be like that, at least to a certain extent.” McKean said he does his best to prepare his students for the real world by teaching project-oriented classes so students can do their own research and development. “We try to give them as realworld of experience as we can, but we also try to let them see the latest and greatest, something they might not always see in their first job, just to give them a little bit

more of an idea of what is possible,” he said. Looking toward the future, McKean said he hopes to make some of the project-oriented programs such as the android competition and the iPhone class more of a routine practice throughout the school, so students can routinely work on projects within the industry and continue to get a leg up before graduating. “I would encourage anyone who’s still looking to find out what they want to do or who’s interested in the more technological side of journalism or mobile development, I would just say to get to know him and he can really help you and be a big asset to your college career,” Schmertz said.

T UESDAY, APRIL 5, 2011

NEWS

PETER YANKOWSKY/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

About 900 MU graduates have volunteered for the Peace Corps in the past 50 years. Last year 28 MU students were accepted to Teach For America, another program many students consider after graduation.

Organizations offer postgraduate options More than 900 MU graduates have served in Peace Corps.

MU Remembers Please join the family and campus community for a time to remember the lives and dreams of students who have departed from us. In Memoriam Matthew Bazoian, Business, St. Louis, MO Mason Cummins MD, Medicine, Sarcoxie, MO Eric Krieger, Business, St. Louis, MO 2nd Lt. Caitlyn Leclerc, Arts and Science, McLouth, KS Michael Miller, Arts and Science, Freeburg, MO Jonathan Morgan, Agriculture, Food and Natural Resources, St. Louis, MO Daniel Schatz, Business, Sullivan, MO Scott Schmitt, Arts and Science, St. Louis, MO Ian Thomas, Arts and Science, Melrose Park, PA Caitlin Valora, Arts and Science, Wildwood, MO

Friday, April 8, 2011 2:00 p.m. Stotler Lounge, Memorial Union

get as many as experiences that I would go across the world and live with the whole different culture.” Senior Lindsay D’Amato, who will graduate in May 2011, is applying for the Peace Corps. JOYU WANG An eligible Peace Corps Staff Writer applicant must be a U.S. citizen and at least 18 years old. Through informational sesTeach For America, which is sions and meeting with stu- a non-profit organization that dents, the Peace Corps con- aims to eliminate educational tinues offering an alternative inequity in the U.S., also propostgraduate option to MU vides alternative postgraduate students. option to MU students. The Peace Corps is an indeLast year, 28 MU gradupendent U.S. government agen- ates were accepted to the procy, as well as the national vol- gram as Teach For America unteer program that provides corps members, said Jefferson volunteer assistance for more Baum, MU Teach For America’s than 70 countries around the recruitment director. world, according to its website. Baum said the biggest appeal MU Campus Peace Corps of Teach For America is that it recruiter Mike Burden said the is life changing, and Teach For program A m e r i c a’s normally t e a c h takes 30 ers don’t s t u d e n t s The values of MU – respect, only make each year. impacts on D u r i n g responsibility, discovery and students the past excellence – are similar to the but also on 50 years, core value of Peace Corpes. their own. more than “Having Mike Burden 900 MU a strong MU Campus Peace Corps recruiter g r a du at e s leader in have volclass is life unteered through the Peace changing,” he said. “You are not Corps. only part of a job.” “The values of MU — Baum said education in the respect, responsibility, discov- U.S. is not always accessible. ery and excellence — are simi- This year, the program has a lar to the core value of Peace higher demand. For example, the Corps,” Burden said. Kansas City School District has Burden said 25 MU faculty asked for more teachers, he said. members have participated in Teach For America is looking the Peace Corps. Chancellor for students who have leadership Brady Deaton served in Thailand skills and high achievement. from 1962 to 1964, when he was “Strong leaders set goals,” a sophomore in college. Baum said. “And this is also Burden said students who what teachers do.” have an undergraduate degree For those who are interestare more competitive, but prior ed in the program, Baum said to applying, Deaton had many Teach For America’s website is years of experience in farming. a huge resource. Sophomore Kimberly Pearcy “Shoot me an email,” he said. said she has been researching “I am available as resource here about the Peace Corps since on campus.” high school. This year’s application pro“I think this will give me cess is still underway, and more perspective,” Pearcy said. Baum said the final decision “Coming from a small town in should be made no later than the Midwest, I don’t think I can April 14.

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T UES D AY, A PR I L 5 , 2 0 1 1 — T H E M A N E AT E R

OUTLOOK

Regional and national news with student views Reach News Editors Alicia Stice and Steven Dickherber at astice@maneater.com and sdickherber@maneater.com

Tuesday’s elections:

COLUMBIA ELECTIONS

>>What you need to know STEVEN DICKHERBER News Editor

Four candidates for First Ward ELECTION DETAILS Mitch Richards Mitch Richards, the youngest candidate at 29, worked on the Political Action Committee and said he was involved the past year trying to stop the city from installing red-light and downtown cameras. Richards says because of his age, he believes his political views will align more often with students. “There have been some troubling developments in the community in the last year or two, particularly with the installation of the red light cameras, license plate readers and iris scanners at the jail,” Richards told The Maneater in a previous interview. “I think it’s getting a little out of hand and someone needs to speak up.” Richards acknowledged that a position as a councilman would be only one vote, but that he would, with very few exceptions, use his position to vote against any type of surveillance technology in the city. He said he would also like to make it easier to start a small business in Columbia, and that by doing so, he hopes to improve the local economy.

Fred Schmidt Fred Schmidt is an accountant with a bachelor’s degree in economics from Vassar College and an master’s degree in economics from the University of California at Berkley. He has worked on Wall Street, and said his experience as an accountant is important to Columbia at a time when one of the biggest issues in the city is the budget. When asked why he was running for the First Ward seat, Schmidt said he had a specific vision of what Columbia could be. “Right now, the burning issues are the economy, the budget and jobs,” Schmidt told The Maneater in a previous interview. “We’ve made a lot of progress in recent years in making Columbia a wonderful place to live and work. You can conceive the challenge, so how do we continue to maintain our quality of life and maintain a vibrant community in this environment?”

Pamela Forbes Pamela Forbes is a member of the Community Development Commission and said her platform is centered on sitting down to listen to the opinions and suggestions of those she would represent. “Being on the Community Development Commission, we have been looking at the housing in the First Ward and there’s a lot of dilapidation; there’s vacant housing,” Forbes told The Maneater in a previous interview. “The city’s actually rehabbing some now, but we really have to look at those issues and take care of that. We’ve neglected it for so long.”

Darrell Foster Darrell Foster is a former educator and sports coach who describes himself as a community servant and leader. He volunteers with the First Ward Ambassadors. Foster said he would like to provide inclusion for the minority community in the First Ward, which he feels hasn’t had someone to represent their issues for a number of years. “We haven’t had anyone to step forward and speak up and reference the best interests of our community,” Foster told The Maneater in a previous interview. “Not the best interests of those with special interests, not the best interests of businesses, but (of) those citizens that actually live in the First Ward.”

Issues on the ballot include:

PROPOSITION 1 Should each council member and the mayor receive a stipend at the beginning of their terms?

PROPOSITION 2

Should the city issue $49 million in bonds to improve water and electric services?

BREAKDOWN OF PROPOSITION 2:

Elections will be held today from 6 a.m. until 7 p.m. If you are a registered voter in Boone County, you can find your polling location at the Boone County Clerk’s Office website.

CITY COUNCIL RACE IN THE FIRST W ARD The First Ward encompasses part of MU’s campus as well as downtown. Four candidates are running for the seat.

CITY COUNCIL RACE IN THE FIFTH W ARD Helen Anthony and Glen Ehrhardt are contending for the seat left open by Laura Nauser.

49.5

$ $ 45.2 $

If passed, Proposition 2 will have the city issue $49.5 million in Water and Electric Revenue Bonds, the majority $ million of which will be spent on to reserve purchasing the Columbia requirement Energy Center.

3.6

million bond issue cost break down million to purchase the Columbia Energy Center

678,000 cost of issuance

ASHLEY LANE | GRAPHICS ASSISTANT

The propositions

Proposition 1 Proposition 1 would award stipends to Columbia City Council members and the mayor beginning with those elected in April 2014. Council members would receive annual stipends of $6,000 at the beginning of their term; the mayor would receive an annual stipend of $9,000 at the beginning of his or her term. The proposition allows the amount of the stipend to be adjusted, but restricts adjustments from taking effect until three years after they are passed. In this way, the proposition restricts council members from adjusting their own stipend without being re-elected first. Proposition 2 Under Proposition 2, Columbia would issue $49.5 million in its Water and Electric System Revenue Bonds. The money would be used to expand, repair and improve the city’s waterworks and electric system as well as to purchase the outstanding shares of the Columbia Energy Center. Ameren Energy Marketing owns the Energy Center, but the city hopes by purchasing it, Columbia will be able to back up its energy needs. The Columbia Energy Center is a 144 MW natural gas fired electric generation facility that was built in 2001 and located on Peabody Road. According to a news release from the city, Columbia Water & Light has contractual agreements with Ameren that includes ownership options. In 2010 the city purchased 25 percent of the plant. When Columbia was approached about purchasing the remaining 75 percent of the facility, the costs of the different options were reviewed. It was found that purchasing the remaining portion of the plant would save the city approximately $1 million each year.

Two candidates compete in Fifth Ward

Helen Anthony Helen Anthony is a lawyer who was elected to the Columbia Planning and Zoning Commission in 2007. She said her main concerns regarding the Fifth Ward are in its infrastructure and zoning regulations. “We have zoning regulations that are more than 25 years old,” Anthony told The Maneater in a previous interview. “They are inadequate for a city that’s 100,000 and growing. Infrastructure to my mind also includes making sure that our police and fire are staffed adequately. Our central services are really stretched to the limit and I think need to be supported and bolstered.” She said her experience as a lawyer shaped her people skills especially when trying to come a decision when parties disagree. “I think in order to be successful in any kind of organization you have to have the ability to respect different opinions and try to come to some sort of an agreement knowing that not everyone is going to get what they want,” Anthony said. “Those are the kinds of skills that you can use dealing with any issue that comes before city council.

Glen Ehrhardt Glen Ehrhardt attended MU for both his undergraduate and law degrees, and has been a Columbia resident for 32 years. Ehrhardt was selected to serve on the Columbia Public Schools High School Site Selection Committee and serves on the Board of Directors for Alternative Community Training. Ehrhardt said he would focus on crime prevention, creating jobs and promoting economic growth. He supported the initiative for downtown surveillance cameras and says he will continue to do so for years to come. “We have an increasing crime problem and Columbia residents don’t feel as safe today as in past years,” Ehrhardt said on his website. “I will work to support our police officers and firefighters who put their lives in jeopardy daily to protect our families.”

OUTLOOK

TU ES DAY, APRIL 5, 2011 — THE MANEATER

ON CAMPUS, AROUND THE NATION A collection of top stories from student newspapers across the nation

Snooki paid more than Pulitzer Prize winner to speak at Rutgers RUTGERS UNIVERSITY — Students got a glimpse of life inside Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s studio last night during her first college appearance in New Jersey at the Livingston Student Center. According to the Star Ledger, Polizzi was reportedly paid $32,000 for her appearances, $2,000 more than what was paid for the year’s commencement speaker Toni Morrison. During a question and answer session, Polizzi was asked if the situations on the show were completely truthful. “You can’t make this sh-t up,” Polizzi said. “Everything that goes down goes down. If it was fake, I wouldn’t be a part of it.” Polizzi went on to cite her skin tone as her greatest source of inspiration. “I’d honestly say, being tan,” she said. “When you’re tan, you feel better.” — The Daily Targum By Amy Rowe

Students work with college of business to raise awareness about texting and driving UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA — OU students are selling wristbands to raise awareness about texting and driving through an initiative within the Michael F. Price College of Business. Boomer Bands are being offered to university students, faculty and staff as part of the Integrated Business Core within the college of business, Boomer Bands President Erica Johnson said. “Boomer Bands began in January 2011,” Johnson said. “Each of the four companies created a product to market and sell on campus throughout the semester.” Juniors Todd Aduddell and Brock Bannecker worked at the sales table Thursday. Aduddell said he had sent text messages while driving before participating in the project but didn’t believe he could do so now. “I’d feel hypocritical if I texted and drove now,” Aduddell said. Bannecker said he felt the same way. “Texting and driving is proven to be six times more dangerous than drinking and driving,” Bannecker said. Bannecker said the money raised from the sale of Boomer Bands will go to the Center for Children and Families to help abused children. — The Oklahoma Daily By Alyssa Dudek

Medical amnesty nears end of probation period UNIVERSITY OF NEW HAMPSHIRE — Medical amnesty’s year-long probation period is drawing to a close, and some students have made use of the program. According to Dean of Students Anne Lawing, the program began two years ago with a graduate student’s thesis. “She presented her findings to a group of staff,” Lawing said. “Last year, student leaders requested that we look into developing an M.A. program. While there is only tepid administrative support — and still much opposition - a pilot was developed and is running this year.” The idea of medical amnesty is to protect students who, according to the Health Services website, “act on behalf of another student and call for help to emergency personnel or a UNH staff member for a condition stemming from the use of alcohol.” — The New Hampshire By Corinne Holroyed — Compiled by Lauren Bale, staff writer

COLUMBIA CITY COUNCIL

McDavid, City Council question need for new Broadway parking garage

$27,000 in funds will be allocated to Columbia SWAT. NICHOLE BALLARD Staff Writer In the last City Council meeting for First Ward Councilman Paul Sturtz and Fifth Ward Councilwoman Laura Nauser, Mayor Bob McDavid questioned the confidence the city has placed in Walker Parking Consultants by entering into yet another agreement for a parking garage to be built at Broadway and Short streets. “We don’t have the money to build this garage without raising parking fees,” McDavid said. When he passed through the newest 10-story parking structure at Fifth and Walnut streets, McDavid said he noticed that only five metered spaces and 65 permit spaces are being used. “Out of 700 parking spaces, they were all empty,” McDavid said. McDavid said he was surprised to find a $9 million budget and a preference for retail space. “I don’t have confidence in the design team that built the last parking garage,” McDavid said. “It’s probably more important to me that it looks right than have 500 spaces.” McDavid supported the

NICHOLE BALLARD/SENIOR TAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Planning and Development Director Tim Teddy informs the Columbia City Council on the six-stage process MU will take toward developing a comprehensive city plan during the council meeting Monday night. The council agreed to the contract between MU and Columbia with a narrow 4-3 vote.

agreement in the end, with the condition the garage design has a large amount of guidance and input from the council. Nauser agreed with the plan to go ahead with the parking garages in accordance with the development plan of the city. The support of the parking agreement set the parting message from Nauser during her last meeting: to look toward the future through planning and development. “While there may be unfilled space now, they will be there for the future,” Nauser said. Council members also

debated the use of forfeited funds to purchase defensive police equipment for the Columbia SWAT Team. Equipment such as a ballistics shield and night vision gear is needed to elevate the Columbia force to a Type 2 team. The New York Police Department and the Los Angeles Police Department are examples of Type 1 teams, according to Chief Ken Burton. The $27,000 in funds caused disagreement because of a perceived conflict of interest. Forfeited funds are seized items from criminal raids and arrests, which

are allocated by a local or federal judge. “The state of Missouri has a law where assets for forfeiture funds are to be appropriated to education,” graduate student Holly Henry said. “I feel like it’s a moral hazard.” Several other members of the public spoke against the forfeiture funds being allocated to the police department. But because the federal government had awarded the $27,000 directly to the police department, the point was moot. The allocation of funds toward the purchase of new equipment to update the SWAT. team was approved.

Review board complaint hits dead end with officer's departure The officer accepted a job at the Department of Homeland Security. KELSEY MAFFETT Staff Writer The departure of one Columbia Police Department officer has put a stop to a local resident’s appeal of excessive force before the Citizens Police Review Board. Officer Chris Hessenflow, the subject of the complaint, is leaving CPD to take a job at the Department of Homeland Security, a position he applied for in September. “The ordinance that created us states that once an officer is no longer with the department, the case is concluded,” Citizens Police Review Board chairwoman Ellen Locurto-Martinez said. “There is no longer an appeal.” The appeal stems from Columbia resident David Riley’s allegation that Hessenflow used

excessive force when detain- very in-depth review. It’s pretty ing him outside a local conve- well established that this appeal nience store in September 2009. is frivolous and unfounded.” Hessenflow was undercover Since the board only has performing an alcohol compli- the power to recommend punance check when Riley allegedly ishment to the police chief, tried to rob him. Hessenflow said reviewing a case Surveillance footage from involving an ex-CPD employthe store shows several min- ee would serve no purpose, utes of because yelling and no punishstruggling ment could b e t w e e n It's kind of crazy that this be handed the two d o w n . men, dur- guy and his private invesHessenflow ing which tigator have spread this said his Hessenflow conspiracy theory about me departure k i c k e d leaving to try and avoid the from CPD Riley in review board. It's ridiculous has noththe chest to do to me. No one's scared of it ing to keep with the him on the getting to the review board. r e v i e w g r o u n d . Chris Hessenflow b o a r d T w o CPD Officer appeal. Internal “ I t ’s Affairs kind of investigations found crazy that this guy and his priHessenflow acted properly in vate investigator have spread the incident. this conspiracy theory about “Anyone who has in-depth me leaving to try and avoid the knowledge of the case knows review board,” Hessenflow said. this appeal is, for lack of a better “It’s ridiculous to me. No one’s term, ridiculous,” Hessenflow scared of it getting to the review said. “The department did a board.”

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Hessenflow said if the board can move up the case and resolve it within the next two weeks, he would be willing to cooperate, even though he will not be employed by CPD and therefore not required to participate. “I understand he wanted his day in front of the board, and I’m not trying to deprive him of that,” he said. “I applied for this new position last fall and the offer came just a couple of weeks ago. I start three weeks from today, and it didn’t give me much leeway to give notice and leave.” This is the first time the board has dealt with such an incident, and Locurto-Martinez said it is too early to tell whether or not the ordinance needs to be changed. “I think it’s something we need to talk about,” LocurtoMartinez said. “Obviously the ordinance was created before we had any cases, so I think it’s something the board could look at. I’d like to get some other board members’ input and come up with a consensus opinion.”

TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 2 0 1 1

OUTLOOK

Man arrested for unwanted Missouri House approves sexual advances, misconduct budget, appropriations He then left the store, the report stated. At 12:06 p.m. Columbia Police Department officers responded to a sexual misconduct report on East Broadway when a victim reported Beers came into the business, touched SALLY FRENCH her and made inappropriate sexual statements. Staff Writer Minutes later, the same officer was advised of a nearby Police arrested a suspect in sexual misconduct report, the multiple incidents of sexual CPD news release stated. misconduct after he crashed A female victim reported his car and attempted to leave Beers jumped out of his car the scene, a Columbia Police while she was walking from Department news release work to her vehicle, chased her stated. around the car, tried to grab Police located the sus- her and made an inappropriate pect, later identified as Lorne sexual statement. Beers, near Providence Road She provided officers with a and Broadway on Tuesday at license plate number matching about noon Beers’. after receivAt 12:11 ing multiple p.m. an offireports of Once we located him and cer was dissexual mis- talked to him, he was saying patched to c o n d u c t that he had done the same an accident from Mexico, on Broadway thing in Mexico. Mo. and and Williams Columbia on Latisha Stroer Street, when CPD spokeswoman March 29. the suspect Earlier passed a vicin the day, the Mexico Public tim’s car and struck the left Safety Department responded panel. to a report of sexual assault at The operator of the vehicle a Walmart in Mexico involving did not stop at the scene and the same suspect. continued driving. A 24-year-old Mexico The accident involved the resident told police a man same vehicle matching the approached her while she was license plate provided by the shopping, a Mexico Public previous victim. Safety Department news A witness of the accident folrelease stated. She told police lowed the suspect vehicle and he touched the outside of her then witnessed a second acciclothing in an inappropri- dent involving Beers. ate manner and made lewd At 12:14 p.m., Beers drove comments. through a steady red light at the

The budget provides $1.1 billion for higher education.

The suspect approached several women, one of whom was shopping.

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ALLISON PRANG Associate Editor

Lorne Beers intersection of Broadway and Providence Road. Beers struck a vehicle proceeding through the intersection, the news release stated. “According to the victim, he just got out of the car and walked away from the vehicles,” CPD spokeswoman Latisha Stroer said. Officers located Beers, who was taken to CPD and then transported to University Hospital. CPD could not say why he was in the hospital, but did not have any injuries that CPD was aware of, Stroer said. Beers was arrested after his release from the hospital Friday after he confessed to committing all of the crimes. None of the victims in the sexual misconduct or automobile accident cases were injured. “Once we located him and talked to him, he was saying that he had done the same thing in Mexico,” Stroer said. “He involved himself in all of those crimes in Columbia and Mexico.”

SEXUAL MISCONDUCT REPORTS

IN COLUMBIA AND MEXICO,MO.

Lorne Beers was arrested for two counts of leaving the scene of an accident and two counts of sexual misconduct in the third degree.

Walmart, 4800 block of S. Clark, Mexico at 11:40 a.m. A woman reports she was approached by Beers, who touched her clothing inappropriately and made inappropriate comments.

1600 E Broadway at 12:06 p.m. Female victim reports Beers touched her and made inappropriate sexual statements.

1600 E Broadway at 12:10 p.m. Another victim reports Beers jumped out of his car, grabbed her and made inappropriate sexual statements.

Broadway and Williams Street at 12:11 p.m. Beers drives in the left hand turn lane and strike a victim’s vehicle. Beers drives off.

Broadway and Providence Road at 12:14 p.m. Beers drives through a red light and strikes a car in the intersection. He exits the car and walks away from the scene.

Near Providence Road and Broadway intersection Officers locate Beers and take him to police department.

Source: Columbia Police Department and Mexico Public Safety Department news release. JOYU WANG | GRAPHICS DESIGNER

The Missouri House of Representatives passed all 13 bills pertaining to budget appropriations, including House Bill 3 dealing with funds to go toward higher education. HB 3 was passed by a 14119 margin. HB 3 would provide a total of $1,155,741,881 for higher education. In comparison to FY 2011 appropriations for higher education, the budget that was passed includes money to go toward the A+ scholarship fund, which was cut in past years. Funds were also given to the Access Missouri Grant fund, which was cut in past years as well. Representatives Mary Still, D-Columbia and Stephen Webber, D-Columbia, both voted against the bill. Rep. Chris Kelly, D-Columbia, voted in favor of it. During the debate of the total of 13 bills, Still and Kelly both spoke on the House floor about HB 3 and funding going toward higher education. “At MU, we have increased enrollment in the past decade 40 percent,” Still said. “Yet our appropriations have been cut significantly and we are facing a $15 million dollar additional cut.” Still proposed raising Missouri’s cigarette tax 12 cents in order to increase revenue. “We have chosen this budget,” Still said. “There are more alternatives. We can do more to support this budget in this state.” Kelly said he has been supportive of a tax increase in the past. “There’s nobody in here who has voted for a tax increase more than I have,” Kelly said. “We’ve funded education, but the budget is about balancing. It is our sacred obligation to balance the

Footprint trail leads police to snow-covered suspect The suspect was charged with firstdegree burglary and remains in jail. A trail of footprints in the snow led police officers to a Columbia man who was arrested in connection to a burglary. Columbia Police Department officers were dispatched to 3607 Topanga Drive at 5:18 a.m. on March 27 after the owner of the home called police to report a burglary in progress. The homeowner came home and realized his home had been burglarized, CPD spokeswoman Latisha Stroer said.

“He noticed his sliding glass door was busted, and items were missing,” she said. Officers followed tracks left in the snow for about a mile to the 2900 block of Rangeline Street, where they were able to locate a suspect covered in snow wandering around the area, Stroer said. “Items were stolen that matched the items that were on him,” Stroer said. “The police noticed that in his clothing he had small pieces of glass that were consistent with glass from the broken window in the house that was broken into. The police patted down his clothing and found on him the same items that were stolen in the house.”

Officers arrested the suspect, 41-year-old Malcomx L. Cunningham, on suspicion of first-degree burglary, seconddegree property damage and theft. Sunday’s burglary is the seventh charge against Cunningham since 2006 in Columbia. Cunningham was arrested in February as a suspect in a forgery case, where officers found him in possession of crack pipes and counterfeit checks. Cunningham was charged with first-degree burglary and remains in the Boone County Jail with a $25,000 bond. —Sally French, staff writer

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Out of 13 house bills pertaining to state appropriations for the 2012 fiscal year, House Bill 3 spelled out what money the state is planning to appropriate to higher education, MU specifically, and where it’s coming from.

Where appropriated funds come from (including MU):

Other Funds: $314,921,077

General Funds: $833,552,030 Federal Funds: $7,268,774

Total: $1,155,741,881 Appropriations for MU: Lottery Proceed Funds: $36,869,596

General Funds: $361,131,030

Appropriation not for MU Source: http://house.mo.gov/billtracking/ bills111/billpdf/perf/HB0003P.PDF JOYU WANG | GRAPHIC DESIGNER

budget.” Kelly said appropriations for higher education are an increase for every university in the state over what was initially suggested. “Missouri already ranks 49th in the country in funding per student for colleges and universities, and this budget cuts higher education funding by 7 percent,” Webber stated in his March Capitol Report. “That’s about $30 million taken from Mizzou.” Aside from appropriations to higher education, the House also passed HB 2, which appropriated $5,260,265,166 to elementary and secondary education in Missouri. The Missouri Senate is expected to vote on the 13 bills this week.

THE MANEATER

Pick one up every Tuesday and Friday. Malcomx Cunningham

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Vote ‘Yes’ to Prop 1 and 2; Endorsement lies with Richards, Anthony Tuesday’s elections in Columbia offer registered voters in Boone County a variety of issues to consider for our city. The two propositions and two ward elections provide an opportunity to support a better future for Columbia. Here are our endorsements on the items on Tuesday’s ballot. PROP 1: Yes. Proposition One stipends $6,000 per year to Columbia’s City Council members, and $9,000 per year to the mayor. Both positions are currently unpaid and occupied by people who can afford to work a job which doesn’t pay. Obviously, the current situation hinders lower income residents from running for public office, since many have other financial obligations and need a paying job. In our modern society, it is important that we have the opportunity to elect officials who come from a variety of economic backgrounds, not just picking from a group who can afford to run for office. The salaries would be implemented in 2014, when the current city council members and mayor’s terms are up, so voters have the opportunity to vote them in or out of office. Similarly, any future adjustments to the salaries are only enacted three years after the measures are passed, which means that standing members may not see the money from adjustments made if they aren’t re-elected. When combined, the total expense is $52,000, which is essentially a mid-level salary split amongst seven people. The financial burden is not disastrous, and the benefits of encouraging wider political participation in our community outweigh the costs. PROP 2: Yes. Proposition Two would allow the city to issue $49.5 million in bonds to purchase the Columbia Energy Center, which is currently owned by Ameren UE. The city owns only 25 percent of the center, and leases the other 75 percent. The approximately $50 million investment would be paid back to Columbia residents over the next 35 years, as the city pays down its debt, similar to a mortgage. In the long term, Prop Two saves Columbia money, and it is a safe investment for Columbians. If a citizen buys a bond, they can be confident their investment will be returned to them with an increase from its original value. This financial incentive will hopefully encourage more people to fund the initiative. Nay-sayers claim the city, in its current budget crisis, has no room to borrow $50 million for the acquisition. However, Prop Two could easily help alleviate some of the city’s fiscal problems, since it makes more financial sense in the long run. Prop Two is a smart choice for Columbia and its future. FIRST WARD ELECTIONS: Mitch Richards. The decision for the First Ward endorsement was not an easy one. We felt that both Mitch Richards and Fred Schmidt were qualified candidates. Schmidt has an extensive grasp of knowledge on economics and could help Columbia overcome its budget problems and improve its infrastructure. Schmidt is a small business owner with a master’s in Economics from the University of California at Berkeley who would make a great representative. However, we chose to endorse Mitch Richards, a 29-year-old with less experience, because we feel he better represents the MU student community. The First Ward includes downtown Columbia as well as portions of campus. Richards has received widespread support from MU students and has made consistent efforts to establish contacts with them. Richard’s main goals begin with a desire to make it easier to start businesses in Columbia. The First Ward has lower-income areas, and Richards aims to get rid of the red tape surrounding business creation to get more people to work faster. Also, Richards seeks to improve the infrastructure of Columbia while overcoming the fiscal problems that plague the city, and he understands the need for a strong line of communication between the two fronts for any effective measures to be passed. Furthermore, in the spirit of wider political participation, Richards’ age is consistent with the age-range of the First Ward residents he represents. In a college town with tens of thousands of students living here throughout most of the year, it is important to have a younger voice in politics. While both Richards and Schmidt are formidable and qualified candidates, we feel that Richards is best for student representation on the city level. FIFTH WARD ELECTIONS: Helen Anthony. Attorney Helen Anthony was the obvious choice for Fifth Ward representation. While the Fifth doesn’t encompass any part of MU’s campus, it’s still important in the realm of Columbia politics. Anthony’s past experiences make her more than qualified for the position. While living in Massachusetts, she served on the equivalent of Columbia’s city council. In Columbia, she served on the Planning and Zoning Commission and has worked with Columbia Water and Light. Both of these experiences give Anthony a broad understanding of how Columbia is run, and what solutions are practical and responsible. Anthony seeks to improve Columbia’s infrastructure, and her biggest priority is reforming the city’s zoning regulations. Columbia’s zoning laws are more than 25 years old, and Anthony understands the need to reformat them. Furthermore, Anthony’s experience as a lawyer have given her good conflict resolution skills, which are vital when assuming a position in public service. Clearly, Anthony is the best choice for the Fifth Ward.

ILLUSTRATION BY RYLAN BATTEN

TRAVEL

The song heard ‘round the world: Rufus Wainwright’s ‘Hallelujah’ Krystin Arneson “I’ve heard there was a secret chord that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don’t really care for music, do you? It goes like this: The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah.” I’ve heard this song, Rufus Wainwright’s version of “Hallelujah,” played almosteverywhere I’ve traveled to. It can’t be found on a Billboard chart or in a club. It is an older song in the eyes of the music industry. And few would know Wainwright’s name but for this song. But somehow, it shows up everywhere. “Your faith was strong, but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you. She tied you to a kitchen chair, She broke your throne, She cut your hair, And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah.” It played in a pub in Edinburgh, Scotland. In a pizza restaurant in Krakow, Poland. Resonating from a student’s earbuds on a train from

Rome, Italy. An Australian picked it out of my iTunes in Columbia, Missouri. I listened to it in an apartment living room in Pau, France. It was playing over grocery store loudspeakers in Belgrade, Serbia. And every time it comes on, everyone in the room pauses. Even if it is just for the briefest of seconds, there will be a hush and a marked change in the room. And if the setting is an intimate one, around a table or with close friends, conversation will stop.

The holy dark was moving too, And every breath we drew was Hallelujah.

“Maybe I have been here before, I know this room, I’ve walked this floor. I used to live alone before I knew you.

“Maybe there’s a God above, And all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. And it’s not a cry you hear at night, It’s not somebody who’s seen the light, It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”

I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch, Love is not a victory march It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah.” If the mood is right, sometimes people will even sing along. Led by Wainwright’s cello-like voice, others’ will swell up quietly, reverently, lingering on each word. And all the soul and emotion in the room is poured into the lyrics. But even if no one sings, even if you are among strangers, the song sweeps everyone listening up and somehow, for four minutes and nine seconds, it transforms the crowd listening into people who are now somehow less than strangers. And among friends, a shared commonality is cemented. “There was a time you let me know, What’s real and going on below, But now you never show it to me, do you? And remember when I moved in you?

Hallelujah, hallelujah.” It references religion, but it’s not religious. It is a song of passion and love and pain, and finally of a tired, relieved acceptance. It is universal and emotional and beautiful in a genuinely raw way that few other songs from our generation are.

It’s not Lady Gaga, or Rihanna or Katy Perry. It’s not Cee-Lo Green, or Jason Aldean or Kanye. And there are other versions by other artists, but it’s this quiet rendition by a quiet artist that has somehow, somehow, managed to reach us and unite us, no matter where we are. “Hallelujah, hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah.” It’s a song that can make people set down their pint in a pub, pause while picking up an apple, fall silent even among a group of close friends. A song that, for the briefest of moments, touches us — our generation — in both a more global and a more intimate way than any number of auto-tuned songs and DJ-spun beats played across the world. Surely, that must mean something.

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TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 2 0 1 1 — T H E M A N E AT E R

YOUR

THOUGHTS? We asked you to Tweet us your one-word responses to MU Basketball Coach Mike Anderson’s departure to Arkansas. Here are some of your responses. Heartbroken

— H. R. S. (hannah-unruled) via Twitter

Opportunity! — Paul Ashley (peashley) via Twitter Betrayal

— Derek Benham (TheBenham12) via Twitter

Dissapointing — Anthony Roderman (ajroder) via Twitter meh

— Stephen Rowe (steverowekc) via Twitter

Conflicted

— Dan Sewell (danielsewell) via Twitter

Poor-players — Nathan Armer (Armern) via Twitter Who?

— Zachary Henry (zachary_henry) via Twitter

flummoxed — Andrew Denney (messagetime) via Twitter ANGERBONER — Jon Rogers (J_roge) via Twitter Meanwhile, on themaneater.com, readers discussed Maneater columnist Taeler De Haes’ latest column, “Onshore drilling could be the answer.” Kari: I think you are right, it is great for the government to invest in new energy technology in America — but why oil? There are many other viable energy resources (from electric to algae powered cars) and as we have seen recently in the catastrophic gulf spill, oil companies don’t value the environment and will do anything to get money. I think investing in clean energy would create even more jobs than drilling would and would solve both the unemployment problem and help combat global warming. I also think that is a good thing to look at when people complain about “expensive” gas. Like The Maneater’s editorial last week said, it- is inefficient for the U.S. to continue to subsidize foreign oil and drilling in America is too risky when there are so many better options.

“I was totally shocked. I mean, I was right in the middle of student presentations in class and I get tapped on the shoulder and it’s the chancellor, and that’s a bit of a surprise.” —Journalism professor Mike McKean, about being selected at 2011 Kemper Fellow.

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Quoted and noted

“It’s kind of crazy that this guy and his private investigator have spread this conspiracy theory about me leaving to try and avoid the review board. It’s ridiculous to me. No one’s scared of it getting to the review board.” — Columbia Police Department Officer Chris Hessenflow on a complaint of excessive force brought to the Citizens Police Review Board

The opinions expressed by The Maneater columnists do not represent the opinions of The Maneater editorial board.

Why superficial politics obscure Planned Parenthood issue Alex Pesek Without a doubt, recent debates about legislation aiming to completely defund Planned Parenthood of its government aid have been polarizing. Not that this is any surprise. As per usual, Planned Parenthood supporters, largely women, have protested in flocks, wearing their requisite pink attire and accusing their opponents of intentionally wanting to harm women and destroy all health services for women’s sexual and reproductive health. On the other side, are the eerily silent anti-abortion protestors, whose creepy meditation and prayer always seem discordant with their vitriolic and often graphic posters. Even the youth have gotten involved, with self-proclaimed protesters posting pictures on Facebook, holding signs emblazoned with “I stand with

Planned Parenthood,” as if such a slogan means much. As for young conservatives, the argument too often falls upon discussions of abortion, though the legislation (as written) has nothing to do with abortion. Clearly, I’m not thrilled with either side, largely for reasons that extend beyond my spite of poster-toting, slogan-spewing protestors. I come into this situation from a fairly conflicted perspective. Although I consider myself a strong economic conservative and often socially conservative, generally opposed to any frivolous government spending, I’m also associated with Planned Parenthood through previous work. Although I don’t want to imply that Planned Parenthood and conservatism are mutually exclusive or completely opposing forces, the fact is that in our binary political system, they are. With issues like these, there is no tolerance for arguments that fall in grey areas. As written, the legislation seeks to completely defund

Planned Parenthood of money intended for pap smears, pregnancy tests, cancer screenings and tests for sexually transmitted infections. Emphasis on the word “completely.” There is no room for ambiguity; it’s all or nothing. This kind of legislation is not just destructive to women, but it’s also politically destructive and clearly a subversive ploy to bring a health provider (who happens to provide abortion services) to its knees. Although the legislation purports to be about defunding women’s reproductive services, it’s obvious that its acceptance within conservative circles comes from its inherent ability to reduce access to abortions. On the other hand, we should not make the assumption, often made by liberals, that more government money for Planned Parenthood translates to more successful services or positive change in statistics regarding pregnancies, STIs and cancers. We also must not make the politically questionable accusation that any defunding of Planned Parenthood is antiwoman. It’s divisive and frankly

too easy. Although I’m often not a fan of Ann Coulter, I’ll use a phrase of hers: “for liberals, using emotional ploys in response to legislative action is a “doctrine of infallibility.” In other words, by responding to political arguments with overly emotional or personal pleas for the health of “all women,” any critical response in return is immediately deemed anti-woman and discriminatory. Although this isn’t an easy issue, I am strongly in favor of being selective in deciding where to reduce funding for Planned Parenthood, rather than completely defunding or remaining at the status quo. I’m not given the word count in my column to explain the cuts I think might be rational, but ultimately, the process of finding an attainable solution to appease both parties is crucial if we plan to strengthen our economy, while at the same time maintaining the health services and respect that women deserve. Until then, I hope you’re all ready for more pink, more Facebook posts and more politically divisive campaigns.

POLITICS: THREE RIGHTS MAKE A LEFT

Government shutdown could still become reality, unfortunately Brad Grim Yes, you read correctly. A government shutdown is not only possible within the next week, but every day that the Republican-filled House of Representatives and Democratic majority in the Senate fail to compromise, the more likely a government shutdown will occur. The top Democrat on the House Budget Committee, Rep. Chris Van Hollen, D-Md., said last weekend he thinks there is at least a 50 percent chance of a government shutdown. A government shutdown isn’t necessarily as scary as it suggests, though. The government is still required to provide the essential services to its citizens such as police, firefighting, armed forces and utilities. However, a government shutdown can certainly be a nuisance,

especially to college students. If you led by Vice President Joe Biden, are planning on applying for a stu- embraced efforts to find $33 billion dent loan, I recommend you do it in cuts. sooner rather than later considering Senate Majority Leader Harry the government won’t be able to pro- Reid, D-Nv., addressed the issue by cess the paperwork if it shuts down. saying the fate of negotiations rests If you are planon whether Speaker ning on studying of the House John abroad, you betBoehner stops Tea The main difference Party activist “dicter hurry up and get your pass- between this potential tating” to leaderport. During the government shutdown ship on what sort last shutdown, and the last governof a deal he can approximately ment shutdown in 1996 accept. Reid also 200,000 passport up a CNN is the stakes are higher. brought applications were poll last week that The economy is in not processed. showed the Tea Also, if a gov- much worse shape now Party movement ernment shut- compared to 1996. was actually losing down were to popularity among occur, it would put a freeze on the the general population. sending of Social Security checks. Although Reid’s comments Veteran payments would also suffer. might have been a tad judgmenThis budget war has become the tal, he does have a point. Boehner classic case of Republican versus has the difficult task of negotiating Democrat economics. Six weeks ago, with Democrats, while at the same the Republican-dominated House time trying to keep the Tea Partiers approved a plan to slash $61 billion happy. from federal agencies. Democrats, Tea Party activists already criti-

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cized Boehner for signaling possible agreement on smaller cuts. Besides the dilemma Boehner is facing with the Tea Party and Democrats, there is another aspect that suggests a government shutdown could be in the future. Under the new House Republicans rules, any bill to be voted Friday would have to be posted Tuesday night, giving both sides less time to negotiate. The main difference between this potential government shutdown and the last government shutdown in 1996 is the stakes are higher. The economy is in much worse shape now compared to 1996. In 1996, the deficit was less than 1.4 percent of the gross domestic product, compared to roughly 9 percent in 2010. The national debt was less than $5 trillion in 1996. It’s more than $14 trillion now. So the status of a potential government shutdown is day to day. The closer it gets to April 8, the more likely a government shutdown becomes.

TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 2 0 1 1 — T H E M A N E AT E R

A&E

ARTS

Arts and Entertainment coverage of the University of Missouri campus Reach Arts Editor Abbey Sussell at asussell@maneater.com

ALBUM REVIEWS Protest the Hero: Scurrilous 3 out of 5 stars Canadian progressive metal band Protest The Hero’s third album release Scurrilous is another solid project, full of complex rhythms, blasting drumbeats and roaring guitar riffage. Although long-time fans might miss the grit and angst in Kezia, released when the average age of the band members was 19, the synchronicity and polished sound in Scurrilous is a mark of how far the band has come. Every instrument blends with a power that only an experienced band whose members have played with each other since high school can produce. However, for as much as Protest The Hero has progressed, Scurrilous should be a much better album. It’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. The heart-wrenching melodies and colorful harmonies that distinguished Protest from the rest of the metal genre areabsent. It seems as if the inspiring creativity behind the band’s earlier two albums, Kezia and Fortress, dried up. Scurrilous seems to be one long album of background music for vocalist Rody Walker, whose raw pipes are still top notch. Scurrilous also flows smoothly, though at times it flows too smoothly, and each of the songs on the album start to sound the same. Finally, there’s not enough shred. Maybe guitarists Luke Hoskin and Tim Millar got tired of being two of the greatest guitarists alive. Perhaps these are a guitarist’s complaints, but they are not unwarranted. Nor should they defer anyone from giving the album a listen. Scurrilous is the weakest album in Protest The Hero’s three-album discography, but when you’ve got one of the highest quality discographies in metal history, weakest is still very good. —Nassim Benchaabane, reporter

The Weekend: House of Balloons 4.5 out of 5 stars The Weekend has been taking the hypemachine for a joyride all over roads of the Internet since the release of its enigmatic-fueled, Internet R&B mix-tape House of Balloons. Taking a cue from the 21st Century J.J. Abrams-coined sleight of hand that teases the truth through mystery, The Weekend has slow-played its hand to the Internet. It both intrigues and ensnares an audience as they reveal one little, clever detail at a time. Stemming from the inclusive coolness of Abel Tesfaye’s voice, House of Balloons rings with a bittersweet confidence that knows both the steamy, club culture and complications of modern relationships. With the calm, spaciousness of the sampled production, the whole tape keeps the same great stillness - never over-bearing, never boring. Even the basic song formula: pills, sex, weed, love, repeat, stays Ziploc fresh with each song. The Weeknd is reviving the body of R&B, but it’s not CPR. R&B has been - aside from The-Dream — dead for the last couple years: Usher left for Pop stardom, Justin went AWOL in Hollywood, R.Kelly got locked back in the closet. What The Weeknd has created is a Frankenstein of R&B, but rather than a skin-grafted freak, it’s a sleek-ass model freshly out of plastic surgery; the influences are obvious, but the body of work is Botox seamless. But the No. 1 reason The Weekend is so damn great isn’t the genius word play or the smart sample production. It’s that the music is modern. It’s about the shit that’s happening to a generation and the shit a generation is taking to get away, and it sounds just as good as any of those drugs, except there’s no coming down. — Joel Samson Berntsen, staff writer

Hellmann brings artistic fragility to Bingham Gallery exhibit SUET LEE Reporter There are endless possibilities a blank canvas might provide an artist to express creativity. Graduate student Natalie Hellmann chooses to distill her artistic ideas into the most simplistic forms. “Forms of Repose” is Natalie Hellmann’s master’s of fine arts thesis exhibition. Hellmann uses an eclectic mix of materials, ranging from porcelain and clay to silk and steel in her showcase. Different materials can elicit various ideas, such as repose and stillness, Hellmann said. “I’m trying to create an internal balance to suggest the idea of beauty and fragility, but also a stillness,” Hellmann said. “I like to encourage viewers to imagine what each piece would feel like in their own hands. I think that through this, we are able to engage more with the pieces.” Growing up as an only child in Cincinnati, Hellmann spent a lot of time outdoors playing by herself. Her experiences drive her creative thought processes when working with ceramic drawings and sculpture, Hellmann said. “It’s my own history with objects and part of my personality too,” Hellmann said. “The work is sensitive, with sensitive steps of approaching it.” Hellmann’s fiancé, Ian Shelly, said he sees the innocence and beauty in her art through the “romantic and naïve” lines that exist in her clay drawings. Shelly enjoys seeing how meticulous Hellmann is with her artistic processes. “It drives me crazy when I look at the amount of time and effort she puts into puncturing holes into the porcelain,” Shelly said. “Because I can’t put that kind of meticulous repetitive activity into my work.” Matt Ballou, an assistant teaching professor in the art department, has been influential in the maturity of Hellmann’s artistic career. “He sees my vision and helped nurture me,” Hellmann said. “It’s great that

BREANNE BRADLEY/ STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Graduate student Natalie Hellmann’s thesis exhibition, “Forms of Repose,” is exhibited in the Bingham Gallery. With the use of translucent porcelain, steal and silk, Hellmann creates ceramic drawing.

professors can see who you are and are able to guide you towards artists or readings that would influence and expand ideas you have.” Hellmann has a unique approach to art, Ballou said. “I am most impressed with how (Hellmann) has held onto the core things she has cared about for many

years,” Ballou said. The amount of emotion, sensitivity, nurture and response Hellmann put into her art is conveyed in the simplicity and details of her pieces. “I want my audience to be engaged, and if they look hard, they will be rewarded by small surprises,” Hellmann said.

Award-winning playwright pens works for Mizzou New Play Series JOEL SAMSON BERNTSEN Staff Writer Missouri Playwrights Workshop will present the third night of plays in the Mizzou New Play Series on Wednesday, but what sets this night apart is one unifying factor: Matt Fotis. Fotis not only wrote two of the four plays featured, “58 & 59” and “Nights on the Couch,” but he’s also directing the last one — “Alumni Walk.” Fotis has won multiple awards for his plays, most recently winning the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival’s Mark Twain Prize for Comic Playwriting for his play “The Book of Adam.” “He’s done something no other Mizzou Playwright has done yet,” theatre professor David Crespy said. “He’s basically won the triple crown of playwriting. For example, just within the ten-minute play category, his play ‘58 & 59’ was one of four scripts selected out of 800 scripts nationally.” Fotis was happily surprised he won the

Mark Twain Prize. “I think of myself as a comic playwright, so I’m glad to win the comedy award,” Fotis said. Fotis isn’t just an accomplished playwright or busy undergrad at MU; he’s also a family man. He met his wife in an improv troupe and things have taken off since. They now have two sons and another on the way, which has helped Fotis manage his time. “It actually made me focus my time more ‘cause I don’t have any time,” Fotis said. “Nap time is the time I get a lot of work done. It helps me focus that, OK this is the two hours that you’re going to focus on your play.” Fotis started writing plays as an undergrad at Monmouth College. He needed to find a play for a directing class and was having trouble finding the right one. “I couldn’t find a play that I liked, so I decided I would try to write one,” Fotis said. The result was his first play, “On the Surface.” Although Fotis said it wasn’t exactly his best play, it sparked his interest in writing, which he found to be more excit-

ing than acting or directing. Plus, he made people laugh. “It’s a great feeling hearing an audience react to something that you’re doing,” Fotis said. “A lot of it is because you’re sharing that with the actors and director, and everyone is working on it together. It’s cool to see what little pieces everyone brought to it and then how an audience reacts to that.” Fotis founded MU improv and has said that his work in improv — the style of comedy, writing and structure – has been a major influence on his work. Rather than the short sketch comedy styles of Saturday Night Live or Second City, his work is more long-form styles of improv, like Improv Olympics, Fotis said. “Comedy is so difficult,” theatre professor Heather Carver said. “I have seen many plays labeled as comedies that simply did not engage the audience, but Matt has a way of creating characters and plots that are both sophisticated in their complexity and hilarious in the actions and dialogue of the characters.”

Pick up a copy of the Maneater every Tuesday and Friday.

TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 20 1 1 — T H E M A N E AT E R

ARTS

Mizzou New Play Series presents 21 plays in 5 days The annual event gives students experience as writers, actors and directors. TERESA KLASSEN Staff Writer The Missouri Playwrights Workshop is putting on 21 plays in 5 days. It’s part of the annual Mizzou New Play Series, which allows students to write and direct original plays. The lineup this year consists of fulllength plays, one-act plays and concert readings, which last roughly 10 minutes. Concert readings mean the scripts are not memorized and the movements aren’t usually staged, said Nathan Zaring, director of the 10-minute play “Expectations.” Often actors read the scripts on music stands, and stand or sit, instead of entering and exiting the stage. “That’s the biggest problem with concert readings,” Zaring said. “Pulling the words off the page and making them do something. The meanings can be portrayed in a concert reading setting, so I have to think about different ways to approach presenting the words written.” Actor and director Peter Smith said a concert reading is largely a suggestion of what a production could be. “Readings are really about the words, and with a full production it’s more about seeing the play, rather than hearing,” Smith said. “It’s all about letting the language speak for itself.” Work on the series started around Christmas break, when playwrights submitted their work to artistic director David Crespy.

MIZZOU NEW PLAY

SERIES 2010

WHEN: April 4 - April 10, 7:30 p.m. WHERE: Corner Playhouse at Hitt Street COST: Free

ASHLEY LANE| GRAPHICS ASSISTANT

PETER YANKOWSKY/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Sophomore Bethany Chapman argues about the name of her arriving baby during the play “Dawn" by Dannah Moore on Monday at the Corner Playhouse. The Mizzou New Play Series featured a collection of short plays performed without props.

“Some have directors in mind already,” Zaring said, “Some directors don’t know what they want to direct yet, so Crespy tries to match them based on his knowledge of them.” Director and playwright David Marcia said mostly MU students participate, but the series has open casting, so many people from the community participate. A graduate student in theatre, Marcia says he participates because the series is a good break from scholarship. “I’ve been a director and writer for almost 30 years now,” Marcia said. “It’s something I’ve done a lot of, and enjoy

doing.” If plays are successful at the series, they go on to production at the MU subscription main stage. Marcia said the series doesn’t feel like a competition, even with that opportunity in mind. Instead, the series is a great learning experience, Marcia said. “I think a lot of them find out what they want to do and what they don’t want to do,” Marcia said. “It’s an absolutely vital experience. It helps them decide if they want to direct a play or write a play. That’s not always easy to find. You can’t do theatre by yourself.”

Smith said he enjoys the series, because new material is rare. “We’re having revivals, reinterpretations and movie musicals, but there’s not much new stuff happening, because no one wants to take the risk of investing and having it flop,” Smith said. The series is free to the public and will run from April 4 to April 10 at the Corner Playhouse on Hitt Street. A full schedule is available at theatre. missouri.edu/mpw/newplayseries. Visit themaneater.com for a slideshow from Mizzou’s new play series.

Sophomore channels passion, creates fashion line Sophomore Kiarah Moore has created her own fashion line. CHRISTINE CAUTHEN Staff Writer Most college students struggle to find time to study for all of their classes, but MU sophomore Kiarah Moore has found time to create their own fashion line. “I’ve always had a love for fashion,” Moore said. “It got stronger when I first started out with my line.” Fashion wasn’t the first thing Kiarah expected to be doing, but it was a natural progression. She found a way to incorporate her business passion with her creative nature in a way that is relevant to the community. “I was into business,” Moore said. “I thought about what I really loved; I knew I loved business but I thought about my everyday thoughts, like getting ready and putting together outfits.” Style is a personal thing, but Moore’s line aims to appeal to many kinds of people. “My goal is to personalize styles that women already wear and create a sophisticated look,” Moore said. “The overall message is about community service and getting the community involved in

JAMES MILITELLO/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Sophomore Kiarah Moore talks to a model before the “I Wear Africa” fashion show Friday, March 4 at Mark Twain Ballroom. Moore is a full-time student who is working on her own fashion line.

fashion as well.” Long-time friend of Kiarah, Matthew Bradley, said he is impressed by Kiarah’s accomplishments. “I admire her passion and determina-

tion when it comes to her clothing line as well as her education and how she manages to hold down a job and still perform at such a high level,” Bradley said. Moore said she did not expect the fashion industry to be so planned, but she

found product development side of fashion interesting. “I like how structured it is and how you can find out about trends before they come out,” Moore said. The fashion business is about more than flashy fabrics and changing hemlines, Moore said. “Clothes can help the women and the other way around,” Moore said regarding how to put fashion to work. “It really depends on the personal goals of the wearer.” Moore’s work has been displayed in various fashion shows in Chicago, as well as expositions. She has also displayed her work at various vendor booths in different events. “I’m planning on opening up a store if everything falls into place, getting the community involved, and opening boutiques while completing a PhD and teaching textile courses,” Moore said. Junior Tiio Watson said Kiarah’s dedication for fashion is noticeable. “I would say Kiarah is one of the most hardworking and dedicated people I’ve ever seen when it comes to her craft,” Watson said. “She takes her passion very seriously and really takes no days off.”

Visit themaneater.com for a slideshow a fashion show featuring Kiarah Moore’s designs.

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19 SPORTS

TU ES DAY,APRIL 5, 2011 — THE MANEATER

SPORTS JAKE’S TAKES

Jake Kreinberg

Alden walks tightrope with Haith hiring From an athletics standpoint, MU seemingly has it all. MU resides in a major conference, possesses great facilities and has solid recruiting hubs in St. Louis and Kansas City. Perhaps most importantly, Missouri has shown the willingness to toss around a few million dollars per year. So why did Athletics Director Mike Alden hire Frank Haith to succeed Mike Anderson? Haith was off the radar enough that national columnists mocked Missouri’s decision alongside fans on Twitter. Boosters and curators also expressed bewilderment and disdain at the hire. The problem lies not with Haith’s relative obscurity, but with his record at the University of Miami (Fla.). In seven seasons, Haith went 129-101 overall and 43-69 in the Atlantic Coast Conference, including only one NCAA Tournament appearance and four NIT berths. His best finish in the ACC was tied for fifth. Alden will undoubtedly cite Haith’s ability to recruit (he attained six McDonald’s AllAmericans as an assistant for various programs before arriving at Miami), his attention to academics (21 of 22 seniors have graduated from Miami under Haith) and the difficult situation a basketball coach inherits at Miami. Outdated facilities and fan apathy make it difficult to turn the program into a consistent winner. But the hiring of Haith continues an unsettling trend over the past year for Missouri athletics. The Big Ten Conference fiasco last summer, followed by the Anderson situation a few weeks ago and last week’s rejected overtures to Purdue University’s Matt Painter have all caused fans to see MU as consistently being taken advantage of. Missouri might never have had a legitimate chance at landing in the Big Ten, retaining Anderson or stealing Painter, but media reports linked MU on the inside each time, yet the university came up empty-handed. This is what the public sees, no matter how factual each case actually was. If Alden had hired Steve Alford, Ben Jacobson, etc., it wouldn’t have been the most exciting hire, especially after trying to nab Painter, but those coaches were still likely to be accepted. They offered more potential upside and they weren’t on the proverbial “hot seat.” Some Miami fans are relieved Haith is leaving. When Missouri chooses a coach in danger of being fired from another job, it appears MU is settling. High-profile coaches might have rebuffed Missouri, but there are more coaches like Painter who are performing at a high level within their conference and getting underpaid. Missouri has the resources to lure away coaches with winning conference records. As a consequence, Haith will start out with everyone doubting his ability as a coach, and any lack in fan support makes the job more difficult (Haith would know, coming from Miami). Athletics are vital to any university’s health because of the exposure they provide. If the exposure is negative, recruits are less likely to attend that particular program. So even if Haith were to blossom into a smart, long-term hire, there could be a short-term loss in recruiting, attendance and donations, enough to prevent Haith from keeping his job for several years. Alden is walking a tight rope with this hire. Two disappointing seasons in the revamped Big 12 Conference after the program’s resurgence under Anderson and Alden could be out the door.

Comprehensive coverage of Missouri athletics, by students, for students Reach Sports Editor Zach Mink at zmink@themaneater.com.

Former Missouri Tiger breaks into Major Leagues with Kansas City BRENDAN MEYER Staff Writer This seems to be a new look for former Missouri Tiger Aaron Crow. Strutting around with a Justin Bieber backpack and sporting a fresh new “fauxhawk” haircut, Crow is experiencing firsthand what it is like to be a Major League rookie. “All the rookies in the bullpen have fauxhawks right now,” Crow said. “And I have to carry a Justin Bieber backpack full of candy and sunflower seeds to the bullpen everyday.” The former Missouri pitching phenom and 2009 first round draft pick defeated all odds this spring training and made the Opening Day roster for his hometown team, the Kansas City Royals. “It’s a dream come true,” Crow said. “I’ve always wanted to be in the big leagues. I grew up a Royals fan, so it couldn’t have worked out any better.” Crow, who is pitching out of the bullpen for the Royals this season, is considered one of the top pitching prospects in Kansas City’s No. 1-ranked farm system. He is fourth all-time with 277 career strikeouts at Missouri and was a first team All-American in 2008. “He had the best season of any pitcher we’ve ever had his junior year (in 2008),” Missouri baseball coach Tim Jamieson said. “He was a major league pitcher that year in terms of velocity and location. He was the complete deal.” Although Crow may be the complete deal, his exceptional baseball talent must translate to the Majors in order for him to have the type of success he

MANEATER FILE PHOTO

Former Missouri pitcher Aaron Crow throws against Kansas State on May 3, 2008, at Taylor Stadium. Crow has a record of 1-0 with five strikeouts for the Kansas City Royals this season in his first year at the major league level.

achieved in college. “It’s definitely a step up (in competition),” Crow said. “These are the best hitters in the world, so you have to bring you’re A-game every single night if you want to be successful.” Former Tiger and All-Star second baseman Ian Kinsler of the Texas Rangers knew exactly how to translate the success he achieved at Missouri to the tough competition at the Major League level. “The attributes that he has in Major League baseball are the same ones he showed here,” Jamieson said of Kinsler. “Real tough competitor, real solid defensive player and a really good offensive player and a great

teammate.” Kinsler, who thrived at Missouri and is now considered one of the best infielders in all of baseball, can see the talent that Crow has. “He throws hard and has a good fastball,” Kinsler said. “I still think he needs some time to develop, but he definitely has the potential, there’s no doubt about that.” The all-star second baseman and American League Champion went on to offer a piece of advice to his fellow Missouri alum. “Listen to everything that’s being thrown your way, because in my experience, everyone’s trying to help you,” Kinsler said. “Take out the things that are

going to work for you, and then just basically have fun.” Crow already appears to be having fun at the Major League level, performing extremely well in his first few games with the Royals. “You just have to adapt and have to be confident in yourself and believe that you’re good enough to get these guys out,” Crow said. The former Tiger is adjusting to his new life as a Major Leaguer, and although the rookie is doing it with a brand new style, he wouldn’t have it any other way. “It’s definitely worth having a fauxhawk and carrying around that backpack to be in the big leagues.”

Tigers shine in Missouri Relays STEVE CASSIDY Staff Writer The Missouri Tigers track squad opened the home portion of its 2011 outdoor schedule Friday at Audrey J. Walton Stadium with the Missouri Relays. The Tigers fared well in only their fourth meet of the outdoor season. In total, Missouri captured 10 titles. The women won three titles and the men won seven. The women did particularly well in the hammer throw event, taking five of the top six spots. Freshman Kearsten Peoples took first overall with a distance of 52.83 meters. Peoples also took first in the shot put while competing unattached. In third was sophomore Megan Collins at 51.56 meters. In the men’s hammer throw, Chris Holly took third with a throw of 59.28 meters. The Tigers did well in all aspects, but really shined in the

field events. In the long jump, Tucker Bounds took the best finish for the men in second place at 6.91 meters. For the women, Erika Miller took the top finish in the event at 5.47 meters. Freshman Camille Hayes cleared a final height of 1.64 meters to take second place in the women’s high jump and fellow freshman Hailey Twietmeyer took second in the javelin. She threw 42.06 meters to claim the runner up spot. In the men’s triple jump, freshman Jeremy Lampley won the event with a distance of 13.87 meters. Sophomore Brooks Mosier won the men’s shot put with a distance of 17.67 meters. Mosier achieved his person best at the meet. Moving on to the track, three Tigers earned second place finishes in the sprints. Freshman Trés Chambers took second in the men’s 200-meter with a time of 21.56. He would have taken first overall if not for team

Nike’s Ivory Williams. He was the fastest collegiate runner in the event. “Taking first out of all the college runners feels great,” he said. “Ivory is an Olympic caliber athlete. He’s a tough guy.” Freshman JT McCarthy, who finished second for the Tigers in the men’s 3,000-meter steeplechase, said that as a team, they showed a lot of improvement. “At the Stanford Invite, we had three top ten finishers, and here we took seven first place spots,” He said. “That’s a huge improvement, and I think we’re only going to keep getting better.” As for his individual performance, he said he hopes to do better in the future. “I took sixth place overall,” he said. “I think I can do better than that. I’ll just keep working for that No. 1 finish.” In the men’s pole vault, senior All-American Brian Hancock cleared 4.90 meters to take first place. He was accompanied in

the top three by fellow Tigers Matt Krogman and Kyle Wessel who both cleared heights of 4.60 meters and 4.45 meters respectively. For the women, it was Heather Green who won the event. She cleared 3.65 meters to take the title for the Tigers. Missouri placed first in both the men’s 4x400-meter and 4x100-meter relays. Chambers said he is proud of the team. “Winning a relay is a big thing as a team,” he said. “To go out and take two relays in our first home meet is a big statement.” The women took second in the 4x100-meter relay with their team consisting of Shawntè Middlebrook, Sierra Gant, Cara Fortè and Lauren Flaker. They finished with a time of 47.55, just under a minute behind top finisher South Dakota State. The Tigers will be back in action at home this weekend for the Tom Botts Invitational.

THE MANEATER

Come one, come all to the Maneater workshop held this Friday at 4:30 p.m. in Chambers Auditorium.

will be holding executive editor elections at 5:30 p.m. Tueday, April 5 in room 2-6 in the Agriculture building. All those with an interest in how MU's student newspaper is run are welcome to attend.

TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 2 0 1 1

SPORTS

BEN WALTON/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Senior Phil McCormick pitches the final innings against LeMoyne on March 12 at Taylor Stadium. The Tigers will play Kansas on Wednesday in Kansas City.

Analysis: Tiger baseball hooked by Longhorns The Tigers fell to 13-15 on the season and 1-4 in conference play. MIKE VOREL Staff Writer After a 20-game home stand, Missouri found Austin, Texas, to be a much less forgiving venue last weekend. The Texas Longhorns swept the Tigers in a three game series, dropping their record to 13-15 overall and 1-4 in the Big 12. Missouri started strong in Friday night’s debut tagging Longhorn ace Taylor Jungmann for four runs in the first five innings. The runs were the first Jungmann had allowed in his previous 25 innings on the mound as well as the most he had sacrificed all season.

Senior outfielder Jonah Schmidt provided the highlight for this scoring surge blasting a 2-run homer in the fifth inning to put the Tigers up 4-0. Blake Brown was Missouri’s other main offensive contributor as the sophomore outfielder produced his first three-hit game of the season going 3-4 with an RBI and a run scored. Missouri freshman starter Rob Zastryzny held up his end of the bargain through the first four innings blanking the No. 8 Longhorns. However, Texas found its groove in the fifth inning touching up Zastryzny for four earned runs on five hits. Texas then pulled ahead for good in the sixth inning as a Jordan Etier double down the left field line plated the go-ahead run. Both teams went scoreless the rest of the way, and the Longhorns escaped with a hard-fought 5-4 win. Saturday marked more of the same for

the Tigers, as Missouri fell to Texas 5-2 in the second game of the series. Tiger junior Matt Stites threw a career-high eight innings and 118 pitches allowing five runs on nine hits. His mediocre stat line is credited almost entirely to the offensive output of Texas’ Lucas Kephart, who proved ultimately to be Stites’ kryptonite. Kephart went 2-4 at the plate driving in all five of the Longhorns’ runs. The Tigers, on the other hand, experienced a drought at the plate, producing only four hits and two runs. The runs both came on the same play, an pinch-hit RBI single by pinch-sophomore Scott Sommerfeld in the seventh inning. Missouri eventually fell 5-2, and hoped to regroup for the series finale on Sunday. The Longhorns provided no relief, however, pounding out 12 hits and 10 runs in a 10-1 Sunday win and thus completing the series sweep. Senior lefty Zack Hardoin failed

second game, spotting UNT two runs in the top of the first inning. But North Texas answered in the bottom of the first by scoring three to take a 3-2 lead, helped by a two-run blast by Mariza Martinez. Junior pitcher Kristen Nottelmann managed to lock UNT down for the next two innings, but gave up a leadoff walk in the bottom of the fourth that led to a two-run homer for the Mean Green. North Texas added four more runs, and Missouri suffered a 9-2 loss, their first defeat since late February. Nottelman dropped to 11-1 on the year, going six innings, while giving up nine runs on seven hits. The nine runs were the most runs allowed by Missouri this season. Missouri then traveled to Waco in search of a bounce-back game against the No. 17 Baylor Bears. The conference game quickly turned into a pitching duel between Thomas (13-3) and Baylor’s Whitney Canion (15-4). Jenna Marston and Fleming both scored in the first with two outs to give Missouri an early lead. But that was all

the Tigers could manage against Canion, who shut down Missouri over the next six innings with ten strikeouts and no runs. Baylor won the game in the seventh on a sacrifice fly by Megan Turk, scoring Kathy Shelton to give the Bears the 3-2 victory. It was Missouri’s second consecutive loss and their first Big 12 defeat this season. The last time Missouri lost two straight games was in February, when they lost to Fresno State and California. Determined to end the streak, Missouri came out swinging the next day against the Bears. With a 1-0 lead in the top of the third, sophomore Nicole Hudson smoked a three-run homer around the foul pole to give Missouri a comfortable lead. They didn’t look back, earning a 6-0 win thanks to a completegame shutout by Thomas. Missouri (28-5, 5-1) now sits comfortably in second place in the Big 12 standings, trailing only behind No. 9 Texas (313, 4-0). The two losses last week were a bit of a letdown, but coach Ehren Earleywine hinted the week before that there was

to escape the first inning relinquishing five earned runs on three hits and two walks before being pulled with two outs in the opening frame. Texas starter Cole Green provided everything Hardoin could not giving up only one unearned run on four hits in eight innings of work. Missouri sophomore outfielder Dane Opel was the only Tiger to show signs of life at the plate, as he went 2-4 with both a double and a triple. The Tigers were overwhelmed in every aspect of the game Sunday marking an unflattering end to an underwhelming 1-3 road trip. They will attempt to return to form in a showdown with rival Kansas in Kansas City’s Kauffman Stadium on Wednesday night. The Tigers will then hit the road once again, traveling to Stillwater, Okla., for a three-game series with the Oklahoma State Cowboys next weekend.

Missouri softball finishes Texas road trip with 4-2 record PAT IVERSEN Staff Writer Texas two-step didn’t go as smoothly as expected for the No. 11 Missouri softball team last week, as the Tigers lost two consecutive games during their road trip through the Lone Star State. Even though their 24-game win streak came to an end, Missouri went 4-2 on the trip and improved to 28-5 overall. Missouri continued rolling through Big 12 competition with a sweep of No. 19 Texas Tech in Lubbock, before heading to Denton for a two-game set with North Texas on Wednesday. Sophomore pitcher Chelsea Thomas toed the rubber in the first game, allowing one run on five hits, while striking out 11 over seven innings of work. She got plenty of run support, thanks in part to a three RBI performance from junior Ashley Fleming. Missouri took the first game by a score of 5-1. Missouri took an early lead again in the

ROAD RAGE Missouri suffered two losses on a trip through Texas last week, ending a 24-game win streak. The Tigers five losses have all come away from home.

Location Opponent Result Fresno State L, 6-3 San Diego, CA California L, 1-0 San Diego, CA Tampa, FL Alabama L, 3-1 Denton, TX North Texas L, 9-2 Waco, TX Baylor L, 3-2 JOYU WANG | GRAPHIC DESIGNER

such a thing as a “good loss” that could help motivate an already confident team. Missouri seemed to prove this with that bounce-back win against Baylor, and they’ll need to keep its confidence as Big 12 play rolls on in April.

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FUN FACTS • Going Green this Spring: • The highest point in Hamilton County, Ohio (near Cincinnati) is “Mount Rumpke.” It is actually a mountain of trash at the Rumpke sanitary landfill towering 1045 ft. above sea level. • The US population discards each year 16,000,000,000 diapers, 1,600,000,000 pens, 2,000,000,000 razor blades, 220,000,000 car tires, and enough aluminum to rebuild the US commercial air fleet four times over. • Out of every $10 spent buying things, $1 (10%) goes for packaging that is thrown away. Packaging represents about 65% of household trash. • On average, it costs $30 per ton to recycle trash, $50 to send it to the landfill, and $65 to $75 to incinerate it. • An estimated 80,000,000 Hershey’s Kisses are wrapped each day, using enough aluminum foil to cover over 50 acres of space -- that’s almost 40 football fields. All that foil is recyclable, but not many people realize it. • Rainforests are being cut down at the rate of 100 acres per minute! • A single quart of motor oil, if disposed of improperly, can contaminate up to 2,000,000 gallons of fresh water. • Motor oil never wears out, it just gets dirty. Oil can be recycled, re-refined and used again, reducing our reliance on imported oil. • On average, each one of us produces 4.4 pounds of solid waste each day. This adds up to almost a ton of trash per person, per year.

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TUESDAY, A PR I L 5 , 2 0 1 1 — T H E M A N E AT E R

COMICS

COMICS SHAZAAM

Collin Huster — cfhkd2@mail.missouri.edu

ISLAND

BUFFALO RANCH

Adam Davis — atd7t4@mail.missouri.edu

Logan Compton — lmc6d9@mail.mizzou.edu

The opinions expressed on this page do not necessarily represent the views of The Maneater editorial board.

THE MA N B U ZZ — A P R I L F OOL S , 2 0 1 1

*This section in The Maneater is part of our annual April Fool’s issue. None of the content is in any way accurate.

SNITCH N BITCH

FORUM

The discussion starts, and ends, here

Forum is a place for opinions. Our opinions. To have yours heard, tell someone else, because we don’t care.

JUST ACCEPT IT

THIS IS BY FAR THE BEST OPINION YOU’RE EVER GOING TO READ

Campus street signs need some mmph Come on, if we’re going to spend that money on replacing street signs, we might as well do it right. Let’s go all out. Let’s bejewel the hell out of our campus so that even Flavor Flav is embarrassed. Anyone with two eyes and a sense of style would have noticed that our campus has been adorned with some new bling this semester. So far, 10 street signs of the 110 on campus have been replaced. But they could be oh so much better. Picture this: Vegas style street signs. All over campus. Did you just get chills? We sure did. The only illogical thing about this idea is that it hasn’t happened yet. Giant, neon colored, flashing-light bearing signs on every corner and intersection. Not only would the signs be visually pleasing, but they’ll offer financial and social benefits as well. Some Student Government Association’s Committee for Stimulating Signs (CSS) reports that 74 percent of visiting prospective students bases their college choice off of campus street signs. The percentage is even higher for parents, who look at the bigger picture and worry about their children getting lost or being alone in the dark. So, yes, it would be a costly endeavor, but imagine how many more students this university would attract to pay tuition. Combined with the tuition hikes, MU will probably be the most desirable school in the country. The signs would eventually pay for themselves. Duh. Furthermore, imagine a campus without nighttime. Hudnreds of bright, flashing, huge neon signs would illuminate even the darkest night. Physics graduate students have calculated that, given the lack of natural sunlight and abundance of flashing neon lights, MU’s campus would resemble a early to mid-’80s-revival German disco.

“

Some Student Governement Association’s Committee for Stimulating Signs (CSS) reports that 74 percent of visiting prospective students base their college choice off of campus street signs.

Our campus would be so bright, that it could even be seen from space. That’s right. Space. And here is where some social benefits come in. A campus without night means that crime would decrease (the Blizzard Bandits may have never even existed), and the recent Moonlight Masturbator would have no choice but to stay inside. Everyone wins, except for criminals. Also, the constant illumination would make our roads safer and easier to navigate. Any driver will see when an intersection is coming up from miles away, and other cars will be easily seen, as they will reflect the flashing colored lights. More visibility means fewer accidents, and an even safer campus. CSS reports that 58 percent of accidents on campus were caused by lack of visible street signs coupled with the angst of a boring commute. And, finally, it’s about time that MU start living up to its reputation. We know how to party, and what better way to characterize that gung-ho spirit than to make our campus shine brighter than the braces on Rebecca Black’s BFF. We have a fun campus, and when you’ve got it, you flaunt it. The choice is obvious. CSS’s recent survey of students showed that 85 percent of students like shiny things, and an unprecedented 91 percent like colorful things. Our campus should reflect our own interests, and clearly we should have more colorful and shiny things, like large, neon, flashing street signs. Clearly, a Vegas-esque campus is financially productive, reasonable and better for students and staff alike.

ILLUSTRATION BY GOTTA CRUSH ON BLATTEN

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Waiting for my fellow family statues Fifteen years. I’ve been sitting by the receptionist’s desk inside the Reynolds “Old people who can’t let go of their college days, and who just ruin Homecoming by coming back to Columbia and be all old and creepy at the ‘Berg’” Center for 15 years. Do you know how many stupid pictures I’ve had to be in throughout those years? Do you know how many children have sat on my back, with their soiled diapers? Let’s just say a lot. Do I miss my days living in Chinatown? Sort of. Although the weather is great all year round, San Francisco really isn’t the kind of place where a young happening tiger like myself can find himself a lady tiger, if you know what I mean. So when I was told I was moving to mid-Missouri, I wasn’t too disappointed (but like with anyone who finds out they’re moving to the Midwest, I wasn’t too happy either). But, in fact, I was told a nice looking lady tiger would soon join me in my home near the receptionist’s desk. That was 15 years ago. Tigers only have a life expectancy of about 20 years when living in captivity. And bronze tigers don’t live forever, you know. Whenever I do get that wife I was promised, I’m going to be ancient! And it’s one thing to be known as the old tiger with the young wife. What about once we finally get around to making little bronze tiger cubs? How am I supposed to teach my kids to hunt, when I’m going to be too busy having my bronze hip replaced? So I’ve got a call to action for you guys. It’s time for you all to get up off your butts and start mobilizing. People need to start putting plans into action about

how to find me a family. More than 300 of you tried to name me. How about putting some of that creative energy into finding them money to buy me a wife and some kids? For a while, I was counting on the dude who bought me, to buy me my family. But it’s become clear he’s forgotten about me. He’s too busy buying up houses in Greektown. (Side note, can we all talk about how depressing the finale of GREEK was? I can’t believe they knocked down the Kappa Tau house! And I don’t know about you guys, but I totally knew that Spidey’s dad was behind the trouble all along).

corn), I thought I would try for it anyway. They said no. It was a bummer but hey, it was a good try too. Don’t think my significan would have been too pleased, though, to insert that into my already raging schedule. Anyhow, just wanted to say thanks for that. You can publish that interview I had with your A&E editor now. Can’t wait to read it. Also, I forgot my D&G sunglasses in the multimedia office. Any chance of me being able to pick that up at my next visit? I would repay the kindness in autographs.

Rawrotious Bronze Tiger Ready4Fam@mail.mizzou. edu

Bradley Pitts International superstar

That whole Twitter craze about me was HIL-arious Dear Manbuzz, Just wanted to thank you again for helping me duck out of that Student Center during that whole fiasco when people thought I was on campus. I got to hand it to you guys; we really had them going. I mean, who would have thunk there would be such a crowd, right? Not many giant movie stars, such as myself, visit universities for the heck of it, but I thought it would be a pretty fun trip. And I wasn’t even coming to try and be Grand Marshall for homecoming, but since it was such a big deal on Twitter (could have watched that Twitter craze about me for hours with a bucket of pop-

Thanks a ton,

Work for The ManBuzz! No pay! No job! No food! NO PROBLEM!

6 ARTS

*This section in The Maneater is part of our annual April Fool’ s issue. None of the content is in any way accurate.

APRIL FOOLS 2011 — THE MANBU Z Z

THE VINYL OF MEDIA

Film Fest becomes too mainstream Instead of a Q system, lines could be organized by the shade of neon Wayfarers or maybe the color of plaid. STAB MCBEARDCHAINE Beard Master As the Fiction/Nonfiction Film Fest becomes more popular around the world, the hip crowd that attends is dwindling. The 2011 Fiction/Nonfiction Film Fest drew 27,000 visitors from around the world, but only 1,500 were hipsters – roughly 50 percent less than in 2010. The decline can only be a result of one thing: the documentary film festival has become too mainstream. “We expected a decline in hipster attendance when we showed the Justin Bieber documentary ‘Never Say Never’ last year,” festival director Deacon Wallace said. “But we’ve got to target an audience with money. Hipsters can’t pay our bills. Or any bills, for that matter.” There has been an uproar in the blogosphere after the 2012 lineup was announced last week and Rebecca Black’s documentary “What I do Every Other Day of the Week” made the list. “This festival is the one place we could all be together, drink PBR and discuss obscure Norwegian film,” hipster student Tabitha Bearrans said. “Now it’s a place reserved for mom jeans and minivans.” Attendance at the film festival has slowly risen since its debut in 2004. With profits pouring in, the Columbia festival wants to join the ranks of popular festivals. Rumors about the 2012 Fiction/Nonfiction Film Fest include a guest appearance by one of MU’s most famous fake alumni. “Bradley Spitts was here last month scouting locations for his new documentary film he wants to enter in the festival,” Wallace said. “Didn’t you see him? He was at the student center.” But Wallace said he isn’t content with the audience the festival is currently reaching. He said he wants the festival to continue to get bigger and better. “We’re looking at certain ways to garner attention from more people outside the state of Missouri to come to the festival,” Wallace said. “And, of course, we are looking at eliminating some of the bearded crowd in attendance.”

PAM GAUSE/EVENING GREETER

Belle and Sebastian Williams sit in disappointment during the Fiction/Nonfiction Film Festival. The couple had been waiting all year to watch overly artsy movies and boast to their non-hipster friends afterwards but faced disappointment when the festival allowed non-hipsters to attend.

The festival is shooting a commercial that will air during the MTV Video Music Awards as well as every episode of “Jersey Shore” and “How I Met Your Mother.” The goal is to appeal to a younger audience that has the ability to spend their parents’ money. Now that the festival is appealing to a wider audience, some groups of people feel alienated. “They wouldn’t let me into the local theater last festival because my jeans were too ripped,”

Riffraff Cinema takes applications for customers MAGGIE GEMS Staff Catch ‘Em All The City of Columbia’s cultural dynamic duo, Riffraff Cinema and Wake Up Bakery, announced their plans for an application process for customers Monday morning. Upon walking into the institution, new customers are met with despondent glances over the screens of Macbooks or well-worn library books from well-established customers. Maintaining your cool under this kind of rapidfire judgment used to be the only essential to gaining a firm standing in a hip society. But in this economy, things are changing. “The thing about culture is that in order for it to mean something, it’s got to be exclusive to just a few people,” Wake Up Bakery manager Hip Sterelite said. “If everyone is doing something, then it’s not cool anymore. We’re just trying to build up something more exclusive, something with an air of mystery.” Sterelite said the best way he and his crew could make this cultural elite is to develop applications. That way, they know who’s there, but also who’s square. “If you can’t afford an $8 beer, you probably can’t discern meaning from a black and white

European film,” bartender Sue Dointellect said. “I mean, the applications are a great idea. Although I don’t understand why those people would want to be in here anyway.” According to the Riffraff Cinema and Wake Up Bakery news release, the application process will be a rigorous journey through what’s cool and what’s not, beginning with random quizzes via telephone. “What better way to check if someone is cool than to surprise them with a quiz?” Sterelite said. “Basically, it’ll be like, ‘Hey man, are you more into Twin Shadow or Matt and Kim?’ or ‘What do you think about coffee that isn’t fair trade?’ You know, just to see if they’re on our level.” Once you pass the random phone call assaults, the evaluators will begin checking into your use of social media. Are you a Twitter or a Tumblr person? You better figure out which one is the right one pretty quickly if you don’t already know. And the pictures you post of yourself should show your depth, and if you don’t have any, they should at least project an image of depth and spark an interest in the viewer. “We don’t give a shit what you’re actually like,” Sterelite said. “We’re probably not going to talk past banalities of weekend adventures and what films are coming out. It just matters that you look the part.”

MU hipster student Erin Williams said. “So I cut them off and made them shorts. They still wouldn’t let me in.” While Wallace said he doesn’t plan on narrowing the scope of the festival, Williams and Bearrans have some solutions to the problem of the festival becoming to mainstream. “I’d really like to see the festival do away with the Q system,” Williams said. “Instead of ‘first come first serve,’ the line could be organized by

the shade of your neon Wayfarers or maybe the color of your plaid.” Wallace said he played with the idea of walling off Riffraff Cinema and reserving it specifically for people like Williams and Bearrans, but there hasn’t been any progress since this interview. It looks as though Fiction/Nonfiction is going to become popular and there isn’t anything these hipsters can do about it.

Requirements such as a beard and greasy hair are under discussion.

tive space, juxtaposition and that whole shebang, there were no T-shirts or rules of what to wear each day,” Vonnegirk said. “But coincedentally, we all wore flannels, skinny jeans and cloth shoes or oxfords to every day of rush.” Forshame said he was thinking about adding more to the dress code. “I might make a beard and greasy-hair requirement, and large, film cameras or Bose headphones as neckware is highly encouraged,” Forshame said. “Headphones can be playing loud enough to be heard from a 10-foot radius or not be plugged in at all, and substituting hair brushes and combs with sticks of butter is an easy way to achieve the grease requirement.” Forshame also said he would allow thrift store-bought grandpa sweaters when it gets cold. Junior Thesar Torialist said he joined out of convenience. “I just hang out at Westside a lot, so I guess I joined,” Torialist said. “But I’m not a hipster.” Forshame said he hopes to create a certain atmosphere for chapter meetings. “Meeting notes will be taken with type writers and our treasurer will manage money with an abacus,” Forshame said. “I also want to get a record player here so we can play some vinyl and some graphic art on the walls for us to discuss.”

Too cool to associate NATTY LIGHT Miso Soup Eater Phi Beta Rho (PBR), MU’s newest fraternity, specifically for hipsters, held its first chapter meeting Sunday, but no one showed up. “I couldn’t let people think I cared that much,” chapter president Stab McBeardchaine said. Other members were found smoking American Spirits in various alleyways and on various stoops outside Westside Tavern, where chapter meetings are supposed to be held. Members of the fraternity of are expected to ride large, old-school bikes to chapter, and attire is flannel-casual. Sophomore pledge Kirk Vonnegirk said the dress code started as an accident. “We were told that PBR does not believe in conformity, so although we had to go through a process similar to rush where we had to show up to Westside and talk about obscure music — I won’t name drop because you probably wouldn’t know — and art, you know dialogue, composition, rule of thirds, positive and nega-

7 SPORTS

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SPORTS JHORTS

APRIL FOOLS , 2011 — THE MANBU Z Z

GAMES. Reach Sports Editor Jach Minx at tigerblood@themanbuzz.com.

Tigers implement ‘Slowest 40 Minutes in Basketball’ Regarding my

A LETTER TO MY FANS

Shane Blabbert

greatness My loyal followers,

You all think you know me. My name is Shane Blabbert. I’m the two-year starter at quarterback for the University of Missouri, and this April I’m likely to be selected in the early first round of the 2011 NFL Draft. But there’s so much more to me than that. First, I’ll address the thing everybody’s been talking about. I have the hair of an angel, provided that the angel sold its soul to the devil in exchange for perfect hair. The golden mane is, as my stylist Manuel deemed it, “the single greatest thing ever to happen to Missouri, and perhaps, the world.” And, not surprisingly, the world is taking notice. When asked about his personal hairstyle, Tom Brady responded, “I rock the Blabbert.” But with perfection also comes danger. Be warned: if you stare directly at my hair for too long, it will burn your retinas; it’s just too powerful. It’s common knowledge that this April I’ll be drafted No. 1 to Carolina, but what most people don’t know is that my hair is also projected to be drafted in the first 10 to 15 picks. Of course, alongside those picturesque locks is almost unfathomable talent. I’d describe my game as a mix between Joe Montana and Peyton Manning (if both of those players were decidedly better in every way). I’m a Casanova of accuracy, speed, and most notably, modesty. I have so much arm strength that my biceps rarely make it through airport security. I guess if there’s one thing I need to improve, it’s not making it so obvious how much better I am than everyone around me. As for my future, I have pretty lofty goals for my NFL career. Upon being drafted No. 1, I will immediately end the labor lockout, simply by tussling my hair and winking at NFL owners. I’ll celebrate the financial victory by winning eight championships, all in my rookie season. The hardware won’t end there. In 2011-12 I’ll pull in the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, Defensive Rookie of the Year, MVP and National League Cy Young Award. The only thing that can stop my reign of power is my own retirement, or the actual deterioration of the National Football League. I’d say the latter is more likely, considering that once I hit my prime there won’t be any legitimate competition. Life after football will also be filled with its own unique challenges. I’ve always wanted to climb Mount Everest, and I think I’ll do that twice…before lunch. A film career is also in the realm of possibility, especially with all the demand for me to star in my own triumphant life story (titled Z-O-U…Forever). I’ll be able to kick back, enjoy life, and wait for Mizzou to name me “Tiger Athlete of the Century.” Of course, I’ll be far too busy to actually appear in person to accept the award, but I’ll be sure to send Ace Spaniel to Columbia to pick it up and deliver it to me. Wow, I guess I have a lot to look forward to. But I didn’t write this letter for me. I wanted you, the fan, to know that although I’ll soon be fleeing to the NFL, I’ll always stay humble and remember where I came from. So, if you’re having a bad day, just remember that it doesn’t really matter; you’re all mere witnesses to my greatness. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let my legend wash over you. I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to any of you, and don’t ever forget it. You’re welcome. Always yours.

The Tigers trademark is being revised after a disappointing end to the 2011 season. JACH MINX Second Budget Frat Star

After joining the Missouri Tigers in 2006, coach Ike Manderson implemented his trademark “Fastest 40 Minutes in Basketball.” Five years later and after a disappointing loss to Cincinnati in the NCAA Tournament, new basketball coach Hank Wraith is ready for change. “You know, after watching the half court offense stall over and over, I thought we needed a change of pace,” Wraith said. “Although I am a fan of the chaotic mess, I see now that this program needs to go in a different direction.” Wraith plans to implement a new style, the “Slowest 40 Minutes in Basketball”, starting next season. The initial blueprints call for using every second of the shot clock on each possession, a vast change from the up-tempo style Manderson preached in his previous years as a Tiger. Also gone will be the fastbreaks and hardnosed press that have led Missouri to NCAA Tournament contention in each of the last three years. The Tigers new workout regimen consists of brisk walks instead of sprints, as well as less practices, because Wraith said walking to class provides enough activity to keep the team in shape. “We don’t want to overexert these student-athletes,” Wraith said. “Walking to class will suffice to keep my guys in shape. Rest assured, this team will be ready to walk come game

GRANT SHORT/STAFF SAINT

Jim Ingles plops down on the court for a nap during an off-season game testing out Hank Wraith’s newest technique. Wraith will implement this new technique next season with the team.

time, and that’s the key.” While Wraith said he was excited for the transition, players seem conflicted on whether the change will be productive or not. “They will literally just stand around all practice,” junior guard Jim Ingles said. “It just feels like the coach would be quitting on them. Actually, I feel like I’m the only one out there that isn’t a quitter.” Other players have more optimistic outlooks on the slower tempo, and are excited by the new approach. “I feel great about the new program,” junior center Stefan Moorr said. “Before I was simply too tired to be productive, but now, we’re just walking up and down the court. This is my type of basketball. I was skeptical coming in with that up-tempo BS, but this is the real deal.”

The team physician expects a 10 percent average increase in body fat weeks after the new program begins. Four Missouri recruits have also already reneged on their commitment, choosing KU over the uncertainty of the new Tiger program. Despite the harsh response and criticism, Wraith has confidence the program will succeed. “Here at Missouri, we have the pieces to contend for a championship,” Wraith said. “Contrary to what people are saying, this slow tempo is what this team needs to take it to the next level. It needs to be a team buy-in, and I’m confident these guys will respond with flying colors.”

Gerry Button suits up for stardom Ike Manderson discovered Button at the Mizzou No-TreadmillsFree Center JOHN STAYMOIST Staff infection It all started on the dusty hardwood of the Mizzou No-TreadmillsFree Center a little more than three years ago. Freshman Gerry Button went to the gym with his dorm buddies to play basketball. Little did the young hoopster know that the pickup game he would play that night would lead to the greatest “pickup” ever made by the Missouri basketball program. Missouri basketball head coach Ike Manderson was also at the Center on that fateful night, and the flashy, sharp-shooting Button quickly caught his eye. The coach and the future superstar were matched up in a 5-on-5 scrimmage, and the rest is history. “The minute I saw the kid pull up from the arc, I had to invite him to tryouts,” Manderson said. “I had heard his name as a high school prospect,

but I never pursued recruiting him with all the best schools gunning for him.” Button turned down offers from top programs across the country to attend Missouri. North Carolina, Florida and Duke were all tireless in their pursuit of the Kansas City sniper. But he passed them all up to study at the world-renowned Missouri School of Biz-nays. Button’s pursuit of a degree powered him through the difficult decision to leave the game. His high school days of making the principal’s honor roll kept him motivated, but he also didn’t want to be another one and done college basketball player. “I knew that if I played college ball, I would just be gone to the pros a year later,” Button said. “That’s just not me. I wanted a degree, and I’m happy that I stuck it out and earned one.” The decision tore at Button in his first year at Missouri. But fortunately for the star lying dormant in the galaxy of many, fate had other plans. With his glory days on the brain, and an open invitation to walk-on tryouts from Manderson, Button decided to see if he could balance his first love with his lust for learning. The deep

orange of that bumpy leather ball ran too deep in his ice-cold veins. Button was born and raised where dreams are made. He learned the game the hard way: on really mean streets. “When Gerry was four years old we bought him his first basketball,” says father Del Button. “Just a few years later he was rising above the rim and slamming on his friends from school.” Those blacktop roots prepared him for his years at Stardom High, where Button was a four-year letter winner and a team captain as a senior. Four years later, Button now awaits the NBA draft coming this June where he is universally known as the clearcut No. 1 overall pick. In three seasons as a Tiger, the trey-ball artist shot 13-of-42, with all but two of those shots coming from three-point land. Button has seen the floor in 34 contests in his Missouri career, bringing a blowout win with every appearance. In his sophomore campaign, the versatile Button led the Tigers with a 47 percent three-point percentage while averaging a career-high 1.9 points and .3 rebounds per contest. It has been said before and it will be said again. The rest, they say, is history.