April 1, 2014
Disciplina praesidium civitatis | Education is the guardian genius of democracy
ALL POSSIBLE JOBS CREATED, FILLED Bureau of Labor Statistics: "Complete employment singularity has been achieved; there is no more work in this universe." → NEWS, PAGE 8
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Professor takes risk Pasta church lecturing without steamed PowerPoint Colander-wearing radicals demand death of area man
Revolutionary class period sends shockwaves through university; students bewildered
JOEY SANKMAN
Saucy Correspondent
Early last week, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) called for the death of Dallas Italian restaurant owner, Cesare Beccaria, after his inclusion of pasta photographs on his lunch menu. The images have sparked protests across the globe where protestors have vehemently voiced their opposition. In Kansas, protests turned violent BECCARIA at the capital on Wednesday, where the streets ran red after protestors began hurling meat balls and jars of spicy red pepper tomato sauce at riot police. The tomato-based sauce company, Ragu, issued a statement condemning the violence after it was discovered that Ragu brand sauces were predominantly used as projectiles during the protest. “Ragu in no way condones the use of pasta sauces as instruments of death and violence. It is recommended that our sauces be enjoyed for consumption only,” the statement read. Although no fatalities were reported from the incident, protestors could be heard chanting “Death to those who insult Pastafarianism.” More accurately, a sect known as Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians issued the decree against Beccaria. “Although communion (consuming pasta) is in line with the teachings of His Noodliness, creating images of the Creator are strictly forbidden and are punishable by death under Capelli d’angelo Pastafarianism,” said George Galloway, a minister at the Dallas branch of the FSM. Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians separate themselves from mainstream Pastafarianism based on several core tenets. First, they believe that they have been specially touched by “His Noodly Appendage.” Second, their sect follows what is known as higher Pastaology due to their belief that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is an emanation of the divine Logos. Lastly, Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians regard graven images to be highly offensive and insulting. “I left Kansas to escape persecution,” said Beccaria, a former FSM parishioner. “Since there are strict rules regarding a-pasta-sy, I knew I had to leave.” “Have you ever seen a man crushed by a mound of vermicelli? It’s divinely horrifying,” he said, in reference to a supposed lynching last year at the hands of Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians when a Kansas man was found deceased under several hundred pounds of pasta. An investigation into the matter is ongoing. The Obama administration issued a statement regarding the sacrilegious pasta images on Friday, promising swift action against any guilty parties and condemning the images as “tasteless.” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney added, “No puns are intended in this statement.” Already, Pastafarian lobbyists have helped to revive 2010 and 2011 efforts by the United Nations Human Rights Council to globally ban defamation of religions. Although the previous resolutions were non-binding in nature, Pastafarians are pushing for a binding resolution for all member nations. The measure explicitly bans the use of print, audio-visual or electronic media or any other means to defame pasta. Particularly, means that incite violence, xenophobia or intolerance against pasta are criminalized.
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In ancient times, before the development of presentation software, professors and lecturers were compelled to be dynamic, engaging, entertaining and above all educational. With the proliferation of programs like PowerPoint, college courses from coast-to-coast are often indistinguishable from one another. CHRISTOPHER WANG Lecture-Skipper
Students were stunned on Thursday when Exploration of the Humanities professor James Linder delivered a 50-minute lecture without the aid of popular presentation software Microsoft PowerPoint. “Hold on to your seats, kiddos, because we’re going to dive right in,” Linder said at the beginning of class. PowerPoint, a mainstay of higher education for more than a decade, allows presenters to summarize their speaking points in a visual way, better allowing their audience to follow along. Advancements in presentation technology in classrooms throughout campus allow for dynamic, engaging lectures in which
enriching graphics and text accompany the message delivered by a knowledgeable lecturer. Audible gasps were heard throughout the lecture hall when the professor made his announcement. Forced to look up from their smartphones, students reacted with incredulity. “I was planning to study using the slides later, assuming he’d just put them on eLearning the next day,” said Tom Chang, undeclared freshman. “I only show up for this class because he takes attendance anyway.” Other students in the class echoed Chang’s sentiment, with Ashley Bell, business administration freshman, saying that a steady stream of information provided by slide had made her complacent and indolent.
“We were as pigs at the trough before,” Bell said. “Has the professor always stood at the front of the classroom?” Linder, a doctoral candidate specializing in mid-20th century American literature, spoke continuously without the aid of a computer for the entire class period, pausing only occasionally to field questions from his class “How did he know what to say? Like, usually they read what is on the slide,” Chang said. “Did he memorize all that or something?” Students were observed writing and typing furiously into improvised notebooks and hastily opened Word documents as they were forced to synthesize the information provided into condensed notes for review later.
“This is difficult,” Bell said. “Usually I just copy whatever’s on the slide, but now I have to actually think about what is being said and I have to write it down in my own words.” After class, Linder was asked if he planned to continue this kind of innovative lecturing in the future, and if he had shared his unconventional methods with his colleagues. “Oh, absolutely not,” Linder said. “I was trying to download episodes of ‘Game of Thrones’ to my laptop and somehow bricked it. I didn’t have any time to put together a new presentation.” “Don’t worry,” he added. “I’ll be back with another deck of slides next Tuesday. These kids deserve the best education they can get.”
Recent grad can't wait to donate to UTD CHRISTOPHER WANG Financial Aid Recipient
Emerging media and communications graduate Kim McCreary is your typical college graduate. She did all the right things: went to a state school, graduated on time and kept a tight budget. Now, she’s thrilled to be able to give back to the university that gave so much to her. “When the fundraising letter came in the mail yesterday, I just couldn’t wait to cut them a check,” she said from the kitchen table of her studio apartment. “As soon as I saw the envelope, I knew what I had to do.” A member of the Class of 2013, McCreary applies her degree in new media and critical communications in her exciting day job as shift manager at a Lower Greenville coffee shop. At night, she tirelessly works on various freelance web design projects. With only $24,000 of debt to pay back to the federal government, McCreary is on track to repay her loans well before she turns 50, provided her health remains good, no natural disasters strike and the global economy continues its recovery. “I’m glad that the rigorous course load that I took in college still helps me out in the real world,” McCreary said. “I took 18 hours a semester for four years, and that really prepared me to work 60hour weeks.” With $3 trillion in student loan debt
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Recent graduate Kim McCreary is glad that a steady stream of unpaid internships, lab requirements and mandatory core classes prepared her for the real world, where her labor is valued at a low rate, long-term employment is tenuous at best and stability for the future is a plan that makes God laugh. McCreary, 23, is still grateful for what she has.
weighing on the shoulders of recent graduates, former students like McCreary still find a way to fund the newest auditorium, climbing wall or tennis court that their alma mater needs. “Between paying rent, maintaining my car, keeping the lights on and water running, as well as buying groceries, clothes and going out to eat maybe once a month, I can see why some might struggle to give,” McCreary said. “But I
just feel that it’s super important that the next classes that come through get the same opportunities I did.” Indeed, the glossy mailer that the university sent highlights the race to Tier One status that would bring much prestige, and even higher quality fundraising materials to alumni across the nation. Raising funds allows universities to add more parking enforcement officers and mid-level administrators, while at
the same time enabling them to offer more lucrative compensation packages to coaches, vice-presidents and other important officials. “With the state legislature cutting $5 billion from public education, and with funding for higher education drying up, I understand why they need my help,” McCreary said. “I really value how far my education has taken me already, and I’m sure it’ll really pay off someday.”