The Daily Mockery

INSIDE SCHOOL AIMS FOR TIER ZERO

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UTD TO BE UNDER PERMANENT CONSTRUCTION

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WHY WON'T YOU READ ME?

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MONDAY

THE INDEPENDENT VOICE OF THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS NEAR DALLAS

MARCH 30, 2015 MONDAY Bleek and rainy (Just like your love life)

TUESDAY Cold and Desolate (Just like your love life)

The Daily Mockery

VOLUME 0 ISSUE 0 FIRST COPY FREE, WE'LL PAY YOU IF YOU PICK UP ANOTHER ONE

NEWS BRIEFS GALACTIC CORUSCANT—

Protestors demonstrate against Emperor Palpatine's invasion of Hoth, claim Imperial forces are only there "for the oil."

PANDORA—

Na'vi sue UTD for use of Temoc, say mascot is offensive to their heritage.

WORLD ITALY—

Italian court overturns overturned ruling in Amanda Knox case.

Judges admit they have no idea what any of this means anymore anyways.

NORTH KOREA—

Kim Jong-Un announces country has officially given up pretending to be functional, confesses capital of Pyongyang is nothing more than cardboard boxes.

NATIONAL OKLAHOMA—

University of Oklahoma officials announce plans to not really do anything at all about the lack of diversity on campus.

VIRGINIA—

Sen. Ted Cruz announces his candidacy for President of the United States after Republicans can't find literally anyone else better suited to represent their antiquated beliefs.

TEXAS RICHARDSON—

Local college newspaper comes under fire, legal trouble after literally offending all possible groups of people in annual satire publication.

Courtesy of Unassociated Press

Construction workers had been working on the tunnel to Asia, which is set to be located in the area between Jonsson Center, Green Hall and the Administration Building, when their equipment started to break under the intense heat near the core of the Earth.

Tunnel to Asia suffers huge snag Path designed to make it easier for STEM majors to travel from China, India faces technical problems CARA SANTUCCI

Construction Correspondent

Construction to build a transportation system between UTD and Asia on the campus’ North Mall to bring more international students to the school has come to a grinding halt.

The North Mall — the area between Jonsson Performance Hall and Green Hall — has been blocked off since the start of the school year as workers began tunneling deep into the ground in order to establish a monorail that would transport UTD’s many international students to and from their home countries. The funds for the

project were provided by the few students on campus paying full tuition to attend university.

President David Daniel approved the project in hopes that a direct route through the Earth would bring even more international students to the school.

“I mean, the school’s population is 24 percent international students already,” Daniel said. “We figured if we provided an option that would eliminate travel time and expenses, we could bring it up to an even 50 percent.”

Daniel expects the monorail to increase the population of the pre-med and engineering programs at UTD.

“We fully expect certain fields of study at UTD to be at maximum capacity in the near future,” Daniel said. “Our goal is to have no American students in the Erik Jonsson School of Engineering by 2020.”

From the start, the tunneling project has faced major obstacles. In October, the team hit a sewer pipe. In November, the crew dug into a well of water, temporarily flooding the campus.

The project hit its biggest snag yet when the ever-deepening hole in the ground hit the outer core of the Earth’s crust.

“We’ve had some pretty big issues (building this monorail),” said Calvin Jamison, vice president in the office of administra-

tion. “Nothing compares to the sweltering heat of the center of the Earth. To be honest, we probably should have thought of this before now.”

Jamison first realized the project was in trouble when serious pieces of construction equipment began to melt on the job.

“I walked out one day with a thermometer and it read about 7,200 degrees Fahrenheit,” Jamison said “I know it gets pretty hot in India, but I don’t think anyone could survive that.”

At the present moment, the project has been paused. International students are expected to use already existing transportation systems to fly home for the summer.

School creates Ulbricht scholarship Not Found The requested URL /oldpage.html was not found on this server.

Apachel/2.2.3 (CentOS) Server at www.utdmercury.com Port 80 Courtesy of Unassociated Press A ceremony was held to commemorate the launch of the new Ross Ulbricht Scholarship on Mar. 26. Despite the large amount of attention and publicity the ceremony drew, university officials wouldn't comment on the event. No photos could be found of the ceremony.

ESTEBAN BUSTILLOS Silk Road User

A new scholarship honoring one of UTD’s most famous alumni was dedicated at a fundraising event on Mar. 26.

“We’re proud to announce that The School of Engineering and Computer Science is partnering with the Silk Road Foundation to launch the Ross Ulbricht Scholarship,” said Jenny Rios, director of criminal-alumni relations.

“This scholarship will help us attract

WHAT'S ABOVE?

some of the best and brightest future cyber-criminals.”

The scholarship will cover fulltuition for four years and will be paid entirely in bitcoins, an online currency, Rios said.

Ulbricht, who allegedly founded the online market Silk Road, was found guilty of seven crimes including narcotics trafficking and money laundering on Feb. 9. He graduated from UTD in 2006.

During the trial, prosecutors said

$213 million in bitcoins were used to buy and sell illegal drugs and other items on the website. Rios said this type of success is what she hopes the scholarship will foster.

“Ulbricht was an entrepreneur,” she said. “Incoming students that see this type of success, which is built at this great institution, and they want to come here. We tell kids that if they come to UTD, they can end up just like Ross Ulbricht.”

The Silk Road Foundation, which is

made up of Ulbricht supporters, will contribute to half of the money awarded to the winner of the scholarship. It is still unclear where the foundation got the money from.

“We have a number of revenue streams, all of which I assure you are completely legal,” said foundation spokesperson Westley Roberts.

Surprisingly, the university kept no record of the event and would not respond to requests about the fundraiser from The Daily Mockery.

TUNNEL NEW TOATEC ASIASCHOOL SUFFERS SETBACK APPROVED

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THE DAILY MOCKERY Volume V: The Empire Strikes Back Complacent Senior Miguel Perez editor@utdmercury.com (972) 883-2294

Known Hoodlum Esteban Bustillos managingeditor @utdmercury.com (972) 883-2287

Laughing Loudly Anwesha Bhattacharjee web@utdmercury.com

Combat Expert Connie Cheng

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Hip Indie Editor Pablo Arauz life@utdmercury.com

Ass Graphics Editor Ian LaMarsh graphics@utdmercury.com

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March 28 t ɨF CPEZ PG %S #MBDL XBT GPVOE JO the Ballroom around 11:30 p.m. t .ST 1FBDPDL XBT JO UIF #JMMJBSE 3PPN XJUI UIF DBOEMFTUJDL BSPVOE 11:45 p.m.

March 29 t $PMPOFM .VTUBSE XBT GPVOE JO UIF conservatory holding a wrench around 12 a.m. t .ST 8IJUF XBT GPVOE JO UIF LJUDIen with a club around 12:13 a.m. t .JTT 4DBSMFUU XBT TFFO VOEFS UIF stairway with the revolver around 12:30 a.m. t ɨF #VUMFS XBT TFFO JO UIF TUVEZ BUtempting to hide a lead pipe behind one PG UIF CPPLDBTFT BSPVOE B N t .ST #MBDL XBT GPVOE XJUI B SPQF TIBQFE MJLF B OPPTF JO UIF MPVOHF around 12:50 a.m. t .S (SFFO XBT GPVOE JO UIF EJOJOH SPPN XJUI B QJFDF PG CSPLFO HMBTT around 1 a.m.

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Mailing Address 800 West Campbell Road, SU 24 Richardson, TX 75080-0688 Batcave Student Union, Student Media Suite SU 1.601 The Mockery is published on April 1 as a humorous publication at The University of Texas at Dallas. This special section is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

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Comet Cabs can time travel

Investigation finds drivers can teleport themselves into future time zones, future looks grim for many with weight of student loans ANWESHA BHATTACHARJEE Hard to Pronounce Last Name

An investigation into the lack of timeliness of Comet Cabs revealed that their drivers were often teleporting themselves into an alternate time zone in order to see what their future held for them.

For two semesters, students would wait at the designated stops in the apartment phases, often for more than 15 minutes, before one arrived.

When several students complained about the erratic time schedules of the cabs, the Office of Parking and Transportation set up a three-member committee to investigate these delays.

Over a period of one month, the committee consistently observed the same pattern of disappearances and finally called in Comet Cab drivers for questioning.

Cab drivers were using a secret ignition located below the driver seat to activate the teleporting mode, according to the committee’s investigation report, “Comet Cab Conundrums,” which was released March 27.

“I found a raised black button under my seat one day when my cab sputtered and died midway,” said Comet Cab driver Diego Martinez. “Thinking that it might activate battery charging, I pressed it, and suddenly I was in 2030, a married man with two kids in Binghamton, NY. I will marry a pretty girl, I’ll tell you that much!”

The future didn’t hold pleasant surprises for all

drivers, however.

Graduate student Lina McCormick said she found herself still behind on her FAFSA loan payments by $20,000 25 years after graduating from college.

“I’m seriously considering switching my major to business,” McCormick said after her time machine experience of year 2041. “I still have a year to go and literary studies won’t get me the kind of money I’ll need.”

Researchers in the Erik Jonsson School of Engineering and Computer Science are now studying the Comet Cabs to explore the mechanism behind their time machine capability.

Meanwhile, Parking and Transportation has refused to take any action against teleporting cab drivers, although Student Government has already demanded that cab drivers utilizing Comet Cabs to delve into their future be let go.

Cab drivers insist, however, that apart from a few engineering and economics students, everyone else seems to be fine with delayed cab service.

“I can vouch, at least, for the students in Information Technology and Management when I say that getting late to class hardly hurts us,” said cab driver and ITM student, Aarti Prateek. “It’s not like we get to learn that much anyway, and in spring, it’s beautiful to wait outside and enjoy the good weather. So passengers get to attend shorter classes, and I get to see what lies in my future. It’s a win-win.”

Courtesy of Facebook An investigation by the Office of ParkIng and Transportation has shown that the Comet Cabs, which are notorious for not arriving on time, are actually capable of traveling through the space-time continuum. Student drivers have been going back to their futures on a daily basis.

Experts: “The Dress” is more popular with sedated public than government More people voted on dress color than presidential race, polls have “The dress is totally blue and black” as an early favorite in Iowa caucus ESTEBAN BUSTILLOS

Thinks It’s Just A Stupid Dress

In a shocking revelation made by Gallup earlier this week, polls have shown that more Americans have a vested interest in the color of “The Dress” than in their government.

The now-famous garment first caught the spotlight earlier this year when it became an internet sensation due to its color scheme that created a controversy about whether the dress was black and blue or white and gold. Now, more Americans have a higher level of trust in the dress than their elected officials.

“I mean, even if I can’t tell what color it is, that’s still better than most politicians,” said Sandra Gomez, a resident of Richardson.

Voters have made it clear that they would much rather vote for the infamous piece of clothing than any other applicable candidate. Polls have even shown the dress has a higher approval rating than President Barack Obama.

The president addressed this upstart political opponent and what it may mean for Democrats’ chances in 2016 at a recent White House press conference.

“I’m gonna be honest, I’m scared,” he said. “I mean, who’s going to stop this dress? It has a mass appeal.”

Voters have already started campaigning in support of the dress. Using the hashtags #dressstoimpress and #sayyestothedress, crazed fanatics have already taken a majority in several key swing states.

Experts say that if this trend continues, there may be no politician strong enough to take on the dress in a presidential race. The only hope for other Oval Office candidates is to try to split the dress’ constituency between those who believe it is white and gold and those who believe it is blue and black.

Republicans have already come out slamming the dress for its apparent lack of transparency on what color it really is.

“Is the dress white and gold or blue and black?” said Senator Ted Cruz at a recent rally. “All I know is that with its weak stance on Obamacare, it’s not red, white and blue.”

What may be the key difference for the dress is whether or not it can stand with other candidates when televised debates start.

Garth Henry, a professor of political science at Georgetown University, said this may not be as big of a problem as some may say it is.

“If you really think about it, a piece of clothing can’t talk,” Henry said. “Some people may view that as a problem, but looking at the freak show that has been presidential debates of recent years, that may be a good thing.”

Courtesy of Facebook “The Dress” has become a symbol of apathy toward modern government and of the deep divide that Millenials have between those who see white and gold and those who see black and blue. The New York Times called the color debate “the greatest controversy of our generation.”

Board of regents announce circus school PABLO ARAUZ Circus Fan

Courtesy of Facebook The new circus school will replace the ATEC building as the clown jewel of UTD’s campus architecture. The Board of Regents has shown a great deal of enthusiasm regarding the school and its potential to draw in a new crowd of untapped potential.

The UT System Board of Regents approved the creation of a new circus school on March 22.

The new school, set to start immediately, will open opportunities for thousands of students looking for jobs in the circus industry. It is expected to help UTD grow in the future and reach Tier 0 status, said UTD President David Daniel.

“The circus school, with its own dean and an even better spotlight on the wonderful world of circus entertainment will put us in a position of educating students on how to be amazing, hilarious performers,” Daniel said. “At the same time, UTD will finally be a fun place to be.”

Provost Hobson Wildenthal said the idea of a circus school is pretty awesome.

“When a group of individuals become stoked about making people laugh, it makes sense to create a place where they can learn about a variety of areas that have absolutely no value in the job market – except in the circus industry, which is cool,” he said.

Students, for the most part, have welcomed the new development, said Barry Kooda, a candidate director.

Within the next few days, a lot of decisions need to be made about the future of the program, he said.

In fact, most of the government funding that UTD gets from the state will go to tearing down the ATEC building to make room for a state of the art circus tent, complete with three rings and a practice space for aspiring student clowns.

Three programs are being set up as part of the school.

They include clown science, advanced acrobatics and wild animal training. The creation of the new school will allow UTD students to enroll in classes such as unicycling, juggling, tightrope walking and silk schools, as well as lion and tiger taming, “We’re looking for ways to really improve on the art of traditional, family-friendly entertainment, as well as not so traditional, oddball geek shows where students can use their creativity to make those weird, PG-13ish skits that are all the rage with the kids these days,” Kooda said.

The school will also collaborate with other schools to work on new technologies in the circus business.

One student, Cake Dudelton, hopes to develop a new application that uses algorithms to inform the public about when the circus is in town, along with the average price of cotton candy.

One of the factors that contributed toward the decision to create a new school stemmed from a Florida vacation that the entire board of regents took for a couple of weeks together. There, they spent their time playing golf and building sandcastles. On March 21, they went to a local circus show, where the clowns and acrobats offered some comedic relief after a long, tiring weekend on the beach.

Regent John Rockson, after having had several martinis, had an epiphany to create the first official university circus school.

“I thought, ‘Dude! How about we make a circus school at UTD?’,” he said after which the rest of the board agreed in unison.

The school is set to open as soon as tomorrow.

Rockson said plans are also in the works to create a master’s program for ringleaders, maybe later this week.

REAL NEWS

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THE DAILY MOCKERY | MARCH 30, 2015

MASCOT FINALISTS ANNOUNCED After a national hunt involving some of the world’s most sought-after artists, only eleven submissions have made it to the final round. Who is your pick to replace Temoc?

Design by Ian LaMarsh

THE SEGWAY DUDES “Tryna catch me riding nerdy.”

THE SHOWER DRAIN CLUMPS

D

“Embrace the mystery!”

THE WEEABOO WARRIORS

F

“Kawaii 5 Lyfe.”

THE UNFINISHED BUILDINGS

E

“Tear ‘em down! (within an estimated three to four months)”

EXCESSIVE PARKING PATROL C

“If we can’t beat ‘em up, let’s cite ‘em up!”

THE ASSTROIDS

D

“Fastest, strongest and thickest in the galaxy!”

DRUG TRAFFICKERS

A

“Churning out that quality product since ‘69!”

THE MIGHTY DODOS

C

“Our futures are bright and hopeful, just like the mighty Dodo!”

THE FIGHTING LOANS B

“School spirit is everlasting ... just like my payments.”

STREAKERS

B

“Did we cross a line? We can’t tell.”

POOP EMOJI

A

“

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F IAN LAMARSH (A), EMILY GRAMS (B), TIM SHIRLEY (C), JUSTIN THOMPSON (D), CEDRIC DAVIS II (E), SUNAYNA RAJPUT (F) | MERCURY STAFF