Metro Spirit 04.01.2004 by Metro Spirit

April 1-7 Vol. 15 No. 35

S P E C I A L

A P R I L

Augusta’s Independent Voice

F O O L S ’

E D I T I O N

P A G E

1 7

The Boys Are Back! (706) 736-7889 GREENJACKETS vs. TOURISTS

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...and it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. This summer you can expect to pay more than ever to feed your old cooling air system. Don’t frown. Duggan Heating and Air Conditioning can do a few things to help. 1. Give you a free (yes, free) Home Energy Survey. If we spot a way you can save energy dollars, we’ll show you how. All you do is call. The info is free. 2. Calculate the efficiency of your heating and cooling system and how much energy a new one could save you. We even put our guarantees in writing! 3. If a new system makes sense, we want to offer you one with no money down financing and give you a $500 discount on the spot. No pressure: just solid, money-saving advice. No matter what we find or suggest, you are under no obligation at all. And we will never make you eat strained beets.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

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METRO SPIRIT ON THE COVER 17 April Fools’ Edition

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Cover Design: Shawn Sutherland

OPINION 6 Whine Line 6 This Modern World 6 Words 8 Thumbs Up/Down 10 Letter 12 Insider

Contents

CINEMA 36 Flix 39 “Ladykillers” Remake an Amusing Retelling 40 “The Prince & Me” Is a Silly Cinderella Fable 41 Reel Time

MUSIC 42 Cubists: Their Roots Are Showing 44 Music by Turner 44 Music Minis 45 Sightings 47 After Dark

METRO BEAT 14 Probe of Fleet Management Underway 16 Judicial Center Saga Continues BITE 26 Order Anything With a Crust at B.C. Davenport’s 27 In the Mix ARTS 28 Having Fun in Augusta EVENTS 30 Calendar

STUFF 50 News of the Weird 51 Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology 51 New York Times Crossword Puzzle 52 Amy Alkon: Advice Goddess 53 Datemaker 55 Classifieds

28 EDITOR & PUBLISHER David Vantrease ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Rhonda Jones STAFF WRITERS Stacey Eidson, Brian Neill ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Joe White

PRODUCTION MANAGER Joe Smith

ADVERTISING SALES SUPPORT Riali Blackstock, Michelle Dove

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT INTERN Andy Stokes

GRAPHIC ARTISTS Natalie Holle, Erin Lummen, Shawn Sutherland ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT ASSISTANT Lisa Jordan

ACCOUNTING MANANGER/CLASSIFIEDS Sharon King SENIOR MUSIC CONTRIBUTOR Ed Turner CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Amy Alkon, Rob Brezsny, Rachel Deahl, David Elliott, Amy Fennell Christian CARTOONISTS Tom Tomorrow

Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks of the year. Editorial coverage includes arts, local issues, news, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publishers. Visit us at www.metrospirit.com. Copyright © Metro Spirit, Inc. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. Phone: (706) 738-1142 Fax: (706) 733-6663 E-mail: spirit@metrospirit.com Letters to the Editor: P.O. Box 3809, Augusta, Ga. 30914-3809

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OPINION

am very concerned with the basketball hoops that are put out near the street so that the kids can play in the street. This is very dangerous. It’s like an accident waiting to happen. I think the parents should take responsibility and put the hoops in the backyards or in the driveways. Children playing in the street is bad enough, but then you’ve got the “Gangster wanna be” kids who will not move when a car is trying to pass; they just stand there and look at you as if you’ve done something wrong. There should be a ban to get those things moved. Republican Party politics in Columbia County are a joke! The problem is they have Senator Brush; a perennial joke at the Gold Dome and more recently his personal behavior is the area gossip. Next, they re-elect Lee Muns, who is supposed to be the “uniter,” as party chairman but he has the personality to argue with a utility pole and is up to his eyeballs in his own personal problems. Then there is Congressman Norwood, the “do it my way or the highway” guy, and his entourage of “yes” men. Is there any wonder why only 80 people attended the Columbia County Republican Party Convention? I remember when the Whine Line was filled with humorous, funny and sometimes silly insignificant whines with the occasional serious whine with a good point, but all I see now is boring political whines and gripes about Augusta politics, school boards, The Chronicle, Billy, Charles, Bob, etc. Well, if you want to get serious there are bigger issues to deal with. Augusta, The Garden City, isn’t the beautiful city it’s portrayed to be. This city has turned into one big crack town with drug dealers around every corner and crackhouses down every side street. If you don’t believe me then take off your blinders and look around, turn off any major road and drive a block or two. Two blocks from Richmond County law enforcement, crack is sold on the street. It seems that nobody cares, including city government and law enforcement. You can call a hotline and inform them about a dealer or crackhouse and still nothing seems to get done.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

There is not one evening after dark in the CSRA that one doesn’t encounter at least

Whine Line several vehicles with one headlight out and the other on high beam, or one on high and the other on low or rear tail lights or brake lights malfunctioning. Isn’t there an ordinance that makes this a traffic violation that warrants at least a warning ticket? Re: New Judicial Center location, Walker Street vs. Regency Mall. What’s to debate? Regency Mall is more centrally located. It has abundant parking. That “health hazard” needs to be eliminated anyway! Aw, those poor overpaid lawyers will have to drive a couple of miles to court! Tsk, Tsk! Wake up, Augusta! It’s probably those lawyers’ influence that’s causing this stagnation! You might be a redneck if you are an elected official on the New Ellenton town council and get in a barroom fight and go to jail. I’d like to thank whoever repaired the bridges over the river at 5th Street. Now when you ride over these new bridges it feels like riding a roller coaster. A few years of the super heavy rigs going over these speed bumps will likely collapse the bridges. I wonder if Charles Walker’s sidewalk crew did the work. Officers should consider enforcing traffic laws. Officers should consider obeying the traffic laws they are paid to enforce. Officers should consider being astonished when accident rates then plummet. Officers should consider being amazed when their standing in the community then skyrockets.

Words “Make it your business to find out what’s going on.” — Doris Haddock, a.k.a. Granny D, as quoted by The Atlanta Journal Constitution in Tallahassee, Fla. Haddock is a 94-year-old grandmother from New Hampshire who four years ago walked 3,200 miles across the country in support of campaign finance reform. During this 2004 election, Haddock is traveling around the nation trying to get women registered to vote.

“Don’t risk costing the Democrats the White House this year as you did four years ago. I hope everyone here tonight will do your best to make sure Ralph Nader gets zero votes this year.” — Former President Jimmy Carter, as quoted by Cox Washington Bureau, speaking at last week’s “Democrats United” dinner.

use the face-lift and the business that the new civic center would bring there. With “Navel #1” in mind I submit the following: Be not dismayed by Miss Spears’ ways. Don’t let it mess with your head. Await with me for the certainty of Britney’s “Playboy” spread.

I have only lived in Augusta two years and I’m wondering who ever let a crime magnet such as the Richmond Summit be brought to downtown? In any other city it would have been restored back into an elegant hotel.

In reply to the opinion in the Whine Line about the Richmond and Columbia County commissions casting votes on March 16th, I would add the following. Why not name the stadium after Ty Cobb? He wasn’t a racist. He was mean to everyone, but he was the greatest ball player of all time and that is what he should be recognized for, not some perceived racism.

Random question. There is so much talk about where to put the judicial center, and talk about a new civic center also, so why not just put the new judicial center where the civic center is now, and put the new civic center where the Regency Mall is? The area where the current civic center is has plenty of parking and is still downtown, close to all the law offices. South Augusta could certainly

Democratic presidential candidate Kerry wants the Base Realignment and Closure (BRAC) study to be suspended. Obviously his short stay in Vietnam (three months), his reduced tour in the Navy and his anti-defense Senate votes are back in play. Now Kerry is advocating the retention of unnecessary bases and waste of defense dollars so he can pander to voters in the affected areas. This is like the

waste and fraud associated with Boston’s Big Dig as foisted off on the taxpayers by Kerry and cousin Ted Kennedy. Man, those Israelis know how to fight! They stopped a “human bomb”: A teenage boy with a bomb strapped to him. How? They sent an “Army robot” to the boy, with a pair of scissors, to first cut off the bomb! Then, they had him strip to his underpants to ensure that he was unarmed! I’ve always said that we should “contract” our wars to them. Remember their “Less Than a Week War” with Egypt? There is a woman in town with no tag (on her car). She puts paper tags on and has been doing so for years. There is no way she has car insurance, because she doesn’t even have real tags. How can she get away with this for all these years and not get caught? I am frustrated by the media’s failure to show gays and lesbians as responsible members of the families they were born into. My partner and I have been together nearly 20 years. My continued on page 8

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The U.S. went over to Iraq to liberate its people and install a democracy, right? According to a March 28 story in The New York Times, American soldiers stationed in Iraq were ordered this past weekend to shut down a popular Baghdad newspaper after it was accused of printing lies and inciting violence. While American

continued from page 6 parents are dead, but we see her parents most weekends. We nursed her dad through heart surgery and cancer. We gave my sister and her husband the down payment on their house. We help my niece and nephew with their homework. They call us both “aunt,” and they do it without being told to because they figured out that we are “married” all by themselves. People who say gay marriage is detrimental to families are full of it. Gay marriage will help make all families stronger. Today, “Zig-Zag Zell” came out again in support of G.W. Bush’s re-election, and accused John Kerry of waffling on the issues. Has Zell forgotten how he got the name “Zig-Zag” while governor of Georgia? His latest zig-zag move has been to become G.W.’s lap dog, while pretending to be a Democrat. Roy Barnes should not sleep well knowing he put that idiot in Washington to embarrass our state. I am truly amazed that 39 months after leaving office, Bill or Hillary Clinton can still get right-wing, redneck zealots into such an uproar. Bill was the greatest president since Jimmy Carter. I have not heard anyone mention anything about gas prices. What’s the deal with that? We took over Iraq and everything is supposed to go back to normal, but now it’s costing me almost $30 to fill up a 16-gallon tank? About six months ago, it only took about $18. This needs to be addressed. I’m not getting a raise at work so it’s not helping me that (gas prices) just keep rising. I want to whine. It’s about time that the Richmond County trustees wake up. Barbara Padgett and the general public knew that Charles Larke was trying to make his pricey spokeswoman appear important. He does so by having her speak to everyone including elected officials. He wants to save an insignificant position, yet no one can see how she makes it an eighthour day.

authorities have reportedly said that the newspaper can reopen in 60 days, the editors of the paper claim this forced closing has permanently put them out of business. Omar Jassem, a freelance reporter told The Times, “I guess this is the Bush edition of democracy.”

The nerve of this Bush administration claiming they’re conservative. They have managed to triple the budget deficit, and even broke Ronnie Reagan’s world record (and it took him two terms to do it.) If this is their idea of conservatism, I would hate to see what they call a spendthrift. Bush needs to go in 2004. I am so sick and tired of the Richmond County school board. We are going to do everything we can to replace each and every one of those board members. Absolutely not! Richmond County school taxes should not be used to pay the salary of Mechelle Jordan. Our teachers who have the responsibility of educating students would be forever grateful if they received $55,587 per year, the salary given Mechelle for being the mouthpiece of Charles Larke and some board members. Mechelle’s pink slip should have been in the mail yesterday, and if board members can’t speak for themselves, they don’t need to be in the position. What happened the night the lights went out in Georgia? The city sleeps, but somewhere on Heckle Street, a light burns. Exhausted citizens sleep fitfully knowing full well their biggest fear is roaring to life, cranked up and ready for a full night’s work. No, silly, it’s not the board; it’s those bad check-writing machines. Those puppies have been plugged in and warmed up all day. Who can blame them? They want to come out and play. Hey, with regards to Judge Pickett’s article: How much has he matured after retiring? Call our Whine Line at 510-2051 and leave your comments. We won’t use your name. Fax your whines by dialing (706) 733-6663 or e-mail your whines to whine@metrospirit.com.

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THE CATHOLIC CHURCH

OPINION

invites you to celebrate Holy Week and Easter

Takes Exception to “Thumbs Down”

OF THE MOST HOLY TRINITY

Letter

Penance Service, Thursday, April 1, 2004 7:00pm

Palm Sunday, April 4, 2004 7:45am, 10:00am, 12:30pm

Holy Thursday, April 8, 2004 Evening Mass of the Lord’s Supper: 7:00pm Includes: Mandatum; Eucharistic Procession; Stripping of the Altar; and Adoration until 10:00pm

ear Editor,

I seldom comment when I am attacked for fighting for what is right. This is the one time I make an exception. The recent “Thumbs Down” (March 25-31 issue)for the Richmond County Democratic Party’s vigorous denunciation of the Chronicle cartoon depicting bin Laden as a friend of the Democratic Party’s nominee for president is not a trifle as you, like Bush and company, try to make it so. In

addition, ridiculing me and using me as your attack dog to get at the Chronicle is sleazy journalism at best. You may view unfair attacks on the next president of the United States as a joke, but we don’t. I give you “Two Big Thumbs Down” for an attempt which is sewer bound. Clean up your act! Lowell Greenbaum, Chairperson Richmond County Democratic Party

Good Friday, April 9, 2004 Liturgy of the Lord’s Passion: 12:15pm Includes: Unveiling and Veneration of the Holy Cross and Holy Communion Solemn Way of the Cross 3:00pm

Holy Saturday, April 10, 2004 The Great Easter Vigil: 8:30pm (No 5:00 Mass) Includes: Blessing of the Paschal Fire and Candle; Exultet; Vigil of Scriptures; Blessing of Holy Water; Baptism & Confirmation; Holy Eucharist; Renewal of Baptismal Promises

Easter Sunday, April 11, 2004 Ecumenical Sunrise Service: 7:00am

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

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OPINION

Insider

The Search for Opposition

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fter the dust settled in the redistricting process, District 22 state Sen. Randy Hall, who defeated former state Sen. Charles Walker in 2002, landed in District 23. Current District 23 state Sen. Don Cheeks is now in District 22. Cheeks and Walker are expected to face off in November unless the federal and state investigations of Walker yield an indictment. Hall has already said he will run. As the only incumbent residing in the 23rd district, which is dominated by white conservatives, conventional wisdom says Hall has a good chance of winning. However, many conservative white Democrats and Republicans in south Augusta think the district could be better represented by someone other than Hall. They are looking for a challenger. Prior to the final tweaking of the maps that shape the state’s political boundaries, District 23 was left without any incumbent state Senator living in the district. At that time, former Augusta Commissioner Ulmer Bridges entertained the idea of running for the seat. Former Augusta Commissioner J.B. Powell was encouraged to run as well. Then things changed and Hall was placed

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

J.B. Powell

Randy Hall in the district. Sources report that Bridges immediately dropped the notion of running. Bridges and Hall are Republicans. However, Powell, who is a Democrat, has not totally dismissed the idea, according to insiders on the southside. Politicos on the southside are notorious for making noise about running or recruiting opposition to sitting elected officials but many times they don’t produce a candidate. Take Augusta Commissioner Andy Cheek for example. For months, disgruntled voters fumed over Cheek’s voting record and vowed to challenge him in 2003. At the end of the day, Cheek was unopposed and coasted to his second term. Right now, there’s lots of talk. Whether the talk translates into action is another matter. We’ll keep you posted.

The views expressed in this column are the views of The Insider and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

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METRO BEAT

Commission

Probe of Fleet Management Underway

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

he municipal building has been filled with whispers about an investigation of the city’s fleet management department for almost two months, but this week was the first time Augusta commissioners have publicly confirmed that something is awry. And that something could be criminal. Augusta Commissioner Marion Williams asked the city’s internal auditor, the local accounting firm Baird & Co., on March 29 to provide the commission’s finance committee with a status report of its findings relating to the city’s fleet management contracts. But before J.T. Cosnahan, a partner in Baird & Co., could address Williams’ request, City Attorney Steve Shepard warned the committee that it should speak in generalities regarding what he called a “pending investigation.” “There are matters here that are not necessarily what we call civil actions, there may be criminal actions,” Shepard said. “So keep your comments very general.” Williams explained that he did not want Cosnahan to name any specific individuals being investigated, but rather simply update the committee on Baird & Co.’s progress. “I need to know where our auditors are right now,” Williams said. “I don’t want any names, but I do need to know how serious this is, how much more we’ve got to do and when it is going to come to an end.” “I heard somebody was relieved of their duties,” Williams added. “It’s supposedly all around town, but this body doesn’t know nothing and is waiting for an investigation to be completed.” While Cosnahan said he understood commissioners were eager to learn the results of the investigation, he informed Williams that he could not provide the committee with a status report. “With all due respect to the commission, we are in the process of an investigation,” Cosnahan said. “We have been working diligently with the investigators at the sheriff’s department. And at this time we are waiting for documentation from the sheriff’s department.” Cosnahan said until his firm receives that additional information, his findings are incomplete. Williams tried to explain to Cosnahan the reason he is so eager to learn the results of this investigation. “A year ago, if not a year and a half ago, I brought five people to this body that had documents that proved we were being double-billed in fleet management,” Williams said. “And the administrator (George Kolb)

chose not to address it. He said it was coming from a disgruntled employee. He said he was not concerned about that.” “I went out, micromanaged, that’s what I’ve been accused of,” Williams added, laughing. “Guilty as charged your honor, but I went out and there was people who brought documents to our internal auditor who was happy to see the information and I thought sure we were on the right page. But it came back with minimum amount discussion.” In 2001, after Williams was contacted by a number of former employees at fleet management who had concerns about its operations, Williams began digging

By Stacey Eidson

Baird & Co. on the fleet management department in 2001. Later that same year, Brenda Carroll from Baird & Co. told the commission that she had reviewed more than 13,000 records in the county’s fleet management department and only found 10 potential examples of SKE-Baker duplicating services. “Of those 10, we actually pulled work orders and went back to the supporting documentation,” Carroll said in 2001. “And there were three instances out of the period from the first of January 2000 through July of 2000 that we did notice duplicated invoices. The total dollar amount of those three duplicated invoices was $117.04.”

Steve Shepard

“There are matters here that are not necessarily what we call civil actions, there may be criminal actions.” — City Attorney Steve Shepard

through the department’s records. He reviewed hundreds of documents pertaining to SKE-Baker Support Services, the private company that was then contracted to perform the city’s garage services. “We’ve got a company here we are paying $3 million a year for service,” Williams said of SKE-Baker in October 2001. “And there are a bunch of loose ends that need to be tied when it comes to fleet and this government. ... I have not accused anybody of anything. There were some questions that were raised in my eyes.” In an attempt to alleviate Williams’ concerns, City Administrator George Kolb requested an internal audit be performed by

Carroll told the committee that was an error rate of 0.015 percent. After Carroll’s report, Kolb insisted that fleet management’s audit was clean and there was no reason for alarm. “This has been going on for quite a while and I’ve had this kind of conversation with Commissioner Williams and we have looked at fleet over and over again,” Kolb said in 2001. “We’ve tried to address each and every complaint that he has given to us and we have found nothing amiss.” But now, the city is again reviewing past records of fleet management and Williams said it’s time for the truth to come out. “Here it is now coming back to us,”

Williams said. “And I’m not going to sit here this time and just let this roll by. “We’ve had two (directors) that’s been over that department the entire time. If they are there and they don’t know (what’s going on), they haven’t been doing their job. And if they are there and do know, they must be a part of this.” Shepard again warned Williams that he didn’t want the commissioner’s zeal to hinder the sheriff’s “criminal investigation.” Cosnahan agreed, insisting that the commission must be patient. “These things are not done overnight,” Cosnahan said. “This is one of these unusual situations that is very difficult to turn up.” Williams told Cosnahan that had it not been for concerns raised by the city’s current contractor, First Vehicle Services, the sheriff’s department may have never started an investigation. “If it had not been for the management company who reported this, we would have still been paying,” Williams said. Shepard insisted that the commission postpone any discussion of the matter until its April 6 legal meeting, where commissioners could be informed about the matter behind closed doors. Mayor Pro Tem Willie Mays accepted Shepard’s request, but said someone needed to address what he called the “bullheadedness on the part of the administrator.” “When folks do what they want to do and they make certain issues personal in this government and will not respond because it’s a certain commissioner, in this case ‘old crazy Marion Williams,’ and decide, ‘I’m not going to do anything,’ ... this is what happens,” Mays said, referring to Kolb, who was not present at the meeting. “When people wanted to come forward about irregularity and improprieties in this government, it was basically ignored. “Well, let’s see when the dust settles on it. ... I’m very concerned in that (city administrator’s) office and in that position whether or not we are getting into a situation of where the ignorance exceeds arrogance or the arrogance exceeds the ignorance, but I’m tired of it.” Mays said he thought he could work with anyone until he met Kolb. “I’ll dance with the devil as long as I don’t have to sell my soul to him. So, I can work with anybody. But this one,” Mays said, stopping. “In short talk, this could have been avoided, but because it was ‘old crazy Marion,’ nobody didn’t want to necessarily deal with it. And that’s the truth.”

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The Judicial Center Saga Continues

o test, or not to test? That is the question before the Augusta Commission this week concerning the ongoing saga of where the city should locate its proposed $74-million judicial center. When commissioners voted earlier this month to proceed in conducting environmental testing on four potential sites for the courthouse, little did they know the city’s public works department would return with the recommendation of not testing any property already owned by the city of Augusta. “There is no obligation to test property that you own,” Rick Acree, the city’s facilities manager told the commission’s finance committee on March 29. “If you own the property, and there is no indication of environmental contamination, then you have no liability. If you discover the environmental contaminations, we have the obligation to do the abatement.” Depending on the level of contamination uncovered, Acree explained, the price tag for such a clean-up could be costly. Of the four sites the commission chose to study — Regency Mall, the current municipal building, May Park and property located along James Brown Boulevard and Telfair Street — the city owns both May Park and the municipal building property. Mayor Pro Tem Willie Mays told Acree that for months he has listened to members of the legal community complain that the commission’s preferred site on the corner of Walker Street and James Brown Boulevard was “contaminated,” and, regardless of the consequences, he was ready to find out the truth on all four properties. “I’ve heard people everywhere say, ‘Oh, it’s contaminated,’” Mays said. “We were not the ones who stuck the word ‘contamination’ out there, so I just figured since we were trapped in this contamination stage, that we might as well go and test all the properties. “Because I would think, in the great world of stewardship, that the now-sitting brothers and

Mayor Pro Tem Willie Mays

“We were not the ones who stuck the word ‘contamination’ out there, so I just figured ... that we might as well go and test all the properties.” – Mayor Pro Tem Willie Mays sisters who run the government would obviously not want to put a multi-million-dollar building on any contaminated piece of property, whether we owned it or not.” Graves Engineering Services, a local firm that has already performed a preliminary $4,000 environmental study on the site along Walker Street and James Brown Boulevard, estimated that it could conduct similar environmental testing at Regency Mall for $3,000 and the Telfair Street site for $2,750. And while Richard Swanson, the principal engineer for Graves, also advised against the commission testing the city-owned property, he suggested his firm could test May Park for approximately $2,200 and property surrounding the municipal building on Greene Street for another $2,200. Swanson said his firm would conduct environmental testing on the actual municipal building property for free. Mays explained to the commission that

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Graves’ proposed cost for testing all four properties was a small price to pay, considering that many of the suggested parcels are being studied for various future developments. For example, Mays said, since Regency Mall is also being considered as a possible site for a $94-million sports arena that has been proposed by local businessmen William S. Morris III and Frank Lawrence to be built and owned by the city, it’s imperative that the commission find out whether the mall property is contaminated. “I think everybody knows that there is a possibility, depending on what is approved for the sales tax, that we might be spending more money at that location than we do anywhere else,” Mays said, referring to Regency Mall. “So, I think we should be looking at trying to spend $2,000 or $3,000 on testing the property.” City Attorney Steve Shepard agreed, saying that the city should test all four properties in order to be able to make a more informed judgment.

“I’m not saying there’s anything under here,” Shepard said, referring to the current municipal building site. “But if you put a building on property we own with contamination, disturb it and don’t clean it up, we may be facing other serious issues such as employee health issues. So, I definitely think we should do the testing.” But before the commission casts its final vote on April 6 to determine whether such testing should be conducted, Mays said he wanted to make sure his colleagues understood that testing all four properties would cost the city approximately $10,000, unlike the $40,000 figure that was suggested in a recent story in The Augusta Chronicle. On March 28, The Chronicle ran a story that stated the city would be spending “as much as $40,000” on the environmental studies. While the article did state that all of the money might not be needed, Mays said most Augustans assumed the commission would be spending the entire $40,000. “When that headline jumped out there that we were fixing to come spend $40,000, I had some people call saying, ‘Why do you want to go spend $40,000?’” Mays said. “I told them, ‘I wish you could read the (Graves) report that I’m looking at because, according to this, we could test half of Augusta for $40,000. “But if you read that story, it was as though we are fixing to spend $40,000 to do the testing and that’s just not the case.” Acree said he requested that the commission approve a total of $40,000 to handle any and all future testing on the properties. “What we are asking for is an allocation of $40,000 to complete the requested testing plus any future tests,” Acree said. “But these tests won’t cost anywhere near $40,000.” Mays said the city needs to make sure that point is made clear to the public. “That’s not what the paper said,” Mays said. “I can get a better headline than that in The National Enquirer.”

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Sports Arena Becomes a Bonus Buy The “Charlie Cheeks” Ticket By Macon Cash

ocal businessmen Frank Lawrence and Billy Morris have decided to take their idea of a new $94 million sports arena to the streets, or, more specifically, the grocery stores. After weeks of running full-page ads in The Augusta Chronicle trying to get citizens to purchase $1,000 shares of their company, Augusta Entertainment LLC, and having little success, Morris and Lawrence recently stood outside a local Kroger on Washington Road begging shoppers to pass up that extra pint of ice cream and put a down payment on Augusta’s future. “One dollar down delivers,” Lawrence, owner of Bobby Jones Ford,

Billy Morris

By Polly T. Call

was heard yelling at the top of his voice. “Come on ma’am, does your son really need those fruit roll-ups I see peeking out of your cart there? Wouldn’t he really rather have a 12,000-seat arena in south Augusta?” The woman kicked Lawrence in the shin as her three-year-old boy burst into tears. Morris, publisher of The Augusta Chronicle, said he came up with the idea of campaigning for a new sports arena outside grocery stores after several colleagues pointed out that Augusta Entertainment’s newspaper ads looked like coupons. “Many acted like they were above cutting out a coupon from the newspaper and sending in their money for our company,” Morris said. “So, I thought, ‘Where could I find people ignorant enough not to care about clipping coupons?’ The grocery store, of course.” At that moment, Paul Simon, spokesperson for Augusta Entertainment, was seen pushing to the ground a Brownie Girl Scout selling Thin Mint cookies. “I told you before, I called this spot,” Simon said to the Brownie. “Go earn your little merit badge somewhere else.” The Brownie picked herself up off the ground and simply said, “Good luck mister. I thought selling my shortbread cookies was impossible until I saw what you had to offer.” April Fool!

fter discovering the state’s new legislative redistricting map has drawn Sen. Don Cheeks and former Sen. Charles Walker into the same district, the two former rivals have decided to bury any animosity each held for the other and, for the first time in Georgia history, run on a joint Senate ticket. “We are calling it the ‘Charlie Cheeks’ ticket because it has a nice ring to it,” Walker said on the steps of the Statehouse. “With this one race, we are breaking down Augusta’s racial divide, bringing Republicans and Democrats together and forgiving one another for our past mistakes.” But as soon as Walker finished his statement, Cheeks grabbed Walker’s arm and under his breath said, “‘Our’ mistakes? You mean your mistakes. I haven’t done anything wrong. You’re the one with the GBI, FBI and IRS on your a**.” Walker smiled at the TV cameras and casually turned toward Cheeks, saying, “You’ve got to be kidding me. What about that guy accused of child molestation that you and Danny Craig helped get a reduced charge of only sexual battery? I think most people would call that a bit of a mistake, Donnie boy.” Within seconds, fists began to fly. Walker grabbed hold of Cheeks’ white pompadour hair, screaming, “You son of b****! I ran this damn state two years ago! Who were you back then? Nobody! That’s who!” Walker attempted to put the Republican senator in a head lock, but Cheeks quickly returned to his Frog Hollow roots and kicked Walker in the groin.

As Walker fell to the ground, Cheeks dusted himself off, spit out a bloody tooth and began to walk away, but not before getting in the last word. “Oh yeah, you were such a big man two years ago,” Cheeks said to Walker. Don Cheeks “Who was defeated by a mousy little newcomer named Randy Hall? Huh, Charlie? Answer me that.” “I knew this wasn’t going to work,” Cheeks added, pointing at Walker who was struggling to stand up. “I told you this once before, but this time I mean it. You forget my name and number and I’ll forget yours.” Cheeks then turned to the members of the media and announced, “This press conference is over.” Charles Walker April Fool!

Judge Makes Regency Mall His Home By Mora Dusty

so beautiful inside. Everything is so green. Just like spring.” What Fleming described as his “tropical dream” appeared instead to be layers upon layers of mold covering the mall’s railings, floors, benches and walls. “I call it my indoor garden,” Fleming said proudly. “I think it’s the only one like it left in the world. I heard the EPA has shut down all similar gardens, citing some sort of health hazard. “What rubbish,” Fleming said, as he began coughing and turning blood-red. “This place is magical. I hate to admit it, but the commissioners aren’t crazy. They’re the smartest people in Augusta. Maybe even the world.” April Fool!

“Well, I just assumed that those dingbats on the commission would vote to put us over here simply out of spite, so I decided to beat them to the punch,” Fleming said, as he carried in a suitcase containing his pajamas and a toothbrush. “Then I started thinking, ‘Well, I’ve always wanted to work from home and who wants to make the drive out to south Augusta every day?’ So, I packed my bags and decided to make life simple.” Fleming said that the commission always talked about how much space was available inside Regency Mall, so he figured a large bedroom, kitchen and den attached to his office wouldn’t be a problem. “I was able to get inside the facility through that broken glass door, and let me tell you something, once I walked in, I knew I never wanted to walk out again,” Fleming said. “It’s

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

s motorists on Gordon Highway passed the former Regency Mall site this week, several couldn’t help but notice an enormous U-Haul truck parked outside the vacant mall. Upon closer inspection, citizens noticed Superior Court Chief Judge William Fleming Jr. hauling 20-pound boxes into a side door at the mall. When asked what he was doing, the judge joyfully exclaimed, “I’m moving in. I’ve decided to make this old place my home sweet home.” Puzzled, a Metro Spirit reporter asked if Fleming meant he was relocating his chambers to the former mall now that the Augusta Commission has decided to reconsider that site as a possible location for the proposed judicial center.

Mayor Young Arrested in Washington D.C. By Rose Gardin

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ugusta’s national reputation suffered another severe blow this week when Mayor Bob Young was arrested on the White House lawn at 2:30 a.m. on March 30, charged with criminal trespassing and making terroristic threats against the president of the United States. According to W. Ralph Basham, director of the United States Secret Service, agents discovered a highly distraught Young on his knees outside the president’s oval office with handfuls of documents pertaining to Augusta Neighborhood Improvement Corporation (ANIC). “All I can tell you is that he was found screaming for the president to, and I quote, ‘Come down from your ivory tower and see what kind of corruption is going on in Augusta, Georgia,’” Basham said. “The report I’ve been given about Mr. Young’s arrest states that he kept repeating the statement, ‘I have the proof. Why won’t anyone listen to me? ANIC is evil. Very, very evil.’” But when agents handcuffed Young and confiscated the papers in his possession, Basham said it was revealed that the only documents Young had were crayon drawings of ANIC’s director, Robert Cooks, and the board’s vice chairman, former Sen. Charles Walker. The sketches, drawn by Young’s six grandchildren, all featured Cooks

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and Walker with horns and holding pitchforks. Basham said the charge of making terroristic threats against the president came as a result of Young screaming the following at the time of the arrest: “What do you think you’re doing? George Bush and I are friends. I was a delegate to the Republican National Convention in 2000. I served as a Presidential Elector for Bush back when he was still just some governor from Texas. So, don’t touch me or you’ll be sorry.” Currently, Young is being held in an undisclosed location until the FBI can run a complete background check on the mayor and decide whether he is mentally fit to stand trial. Basham said Young could be facing a life sentence in a maximum-security prison. While the Metro Spirit was not allowed to visit Young, Basham did allow reporters to speak to the mayor by phone. During the limited three-minute call, Young didn’t appear to understand the seriousness of the charges against him. “I’m going to work in Washington one day,” Young enthusiastically said. “I may even take Dick Cheney’s place next year. I’m going to have a little chat with the president as soon as these nice gentlemen free my hands. Gotta look my best for George W.” April Fool!

The Secret of Martha and Hootie By Colin Almen

his week, the national press was stunned to discover Martha Burk, chair of the National Council of Women’s Organizations and leader of last year’s protest of the Augusta National Golf Club’s allmale membership, sharing a round of golf at the National with club chairman Hootie Johnson. When first spotted on the course, the two attempted to hide behind the 100-year-old Eisenhower Tree located on the 17th hole, but quickly realized there was no escaping members of the press who had been invited to view the course that day. “I cannot believe you forgot it was Media Day,” Burk said to Johnson in disgust. “It’s a good thing that I didn’t mount a real campaign against you last year or this entire club would have looked like fools.” “Would you shut up,” Johnson snapped back, but it was too late. The media had overheard Burk’s comments and began asking Johnson what she meant by a “real campaign.” “Nothing. Nothing,” Johnson quickly replied. “You know how women get easily confused and irritated. I think Mrs. Burk is just suffering from a hot flash or maybe her blood sugar is low. We just need to get her a little snack. Maybe a nice egg salad on white?” Burk swung her golf bag at Johnson, knocking him into a sand trap. “That’s it. Nothing is worth you talking to me like that,” Burk said, turning to the media. “I’ll tell you what’s going on. Last year, Hootie Johnson told me that ever since Tiger Woods started experiencing a losing streak, golf’s

popularity has been suffering. So, he promised me that if I stirred up all this controversy and attention that he would make me a Martha Burk member of the Augusta National.” Shocked reporters began asking Johnson why he chose Burk to become the club’s first female member. “Would you please shut up, woman!” Johnson yelled at Burk, as he climbed out of the sand trap and brushed off his crisp, white pants. “Woman?” Burk said, laughing hysterically. “Who are you calling woman?” Just then, Burk reached into her shirt, pulled out two water balloons and threw them at Johnson. “You guys get it now?” Burk screamed at reporters. “I wasn’t going to be the club’s first female member. My name is Martin, not Martha and I’m not a woman. I’m a man.” Johnson turned ghostly pale and stumbled backwards a few steps. “Oh, God,” he mumbled, as he turned and began slowly walking toward the Bobby Jones Cottage. “Cliff Roberts is going to strike me down dead.” April Fool!

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an official title yet. I was thinking maybe Righteous Ronnie or Few the Fair. What do you think?” The Metro Chief Ronnie Few Spirit reporter was speechless. “I figured that maybe the mayor would share his penthouse apartment at Port Royal with me since he sent Washington D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams such a glowing recommendation of my performance here in Augusta,” Few said, clearly excited. “From that penthouse, I could watch over the entire city. I may have a few moving expenses, but it shouldn’t amount to more than about $10,000. And of course, I would have to be given a fully-loaded city vehicle with a driver ... er ... I mean, a sidekick. You don’t expect a real super-hero to drive himself around town, do you?” April Fool!

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lmost two years after a Richmond County Special Grand Jury called former Fire Chief Ronnie Few a “bandit” who blatantly misused taxpayers’ money, the chief has decided to return to Augusta and he hopes the city will give him a second chance. “When I last talked to the Spirit, I told you that I’d be a hero in another city,” Few said referring to a July 2001 cover story in which the fire chief defended himself against growing criticism about his department. “Well, I decided I don’t want to be a hero in another city. I want to be a hero in this city.” Few explained that since he hasn’t been able to get another fire chief’s job since being forced to resign his position as head of the Washington D.C. Fire Department in May 2002, he has decided to appoint himself as Augusta’s one and only super-hero. “My sworn oath will be to protect this city from corruption and deceit,” Few said, dressed in the $316 white dress uniform that he ordered for his daughter’s wedding while he was Augusta’s fire chief and that was paid for by Richmond County taxpayers. “This will be my costume. I haven’t come up with

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Rogers Returns as Civic Center Manager in 2020

Downtown Official Admits It’s Good To Be Him

xhaling a lofty plume of smoke, Chris Naylor looks up at the clear blue sky and ponders a moment before answering the question of what it’s like to have his job. “It’s pretty great, I guess,’’ he says with a wide grin, while sitting in front of Nacho Mama’s on Broad Street. Granted, getting paid more than $50,000 a year to leisurely stroll around downtown all day smoking and eating at restaurants may not be everyone’s idea of the perfect job. But Naylor says someone’s got to do it. Suddenly, Naylor is called to action. “Chris!” a person behind the counter inside Nacho Mama’s yells, signaling that Naylor’s “The Bomb” burrito is now ready. “I didn’t actually ask for all this sour cream,” Naylor says, upon returning to our table. But with the tact and agility expected of a high-ranking downtown official in his position, Naylor merely pushes the extra condiment aside and digs in. Some days are admittedly more challenging than others for Naylor. “I remember last year, I think it was in June, it rained and rained and rained,” Naylor recalled. “I had an umbrella, but those strong side winds. I couldn’t keep my damn cigarette lit.”

By Arthur T. Ensane

fter serving as manager of the Augusta-Richmond County Civic Center from 1979 to 1993 and then being rehired as manager in 2003, Larry Rogers said this week that he decided to see what it would be like to manage the facility in 2020. During a recent news conference, Rogers claimed a scientist from Yale University offered him the opportunity to be transported into the future to visit Augusta about 20 years from now. Surprisingly, Rogers said, nothing had really changed. “The civic center was looking a little rough, but it was still standing,” Rogers said. “Paul Simon was still pushing a new sports arena at Regency Mall. Joe Scott and Billy Holden were still serving on the coliseum authority and arguing as always. And, believe it or not, I was still general manager.” Rogers said that he learned the authority had fired him sometime between the years of 2005 and 2010, but that the board rehired him in 2020 to turn the facility around. “What I saw, I was doing a great job,” Rogers said, referring to his future self. “I was repaving the parking lot again, planting more flowers around the arena and charging the Augusta Lynx an extra $1,000 a game. I also brought in some great acts.”

By John W. Smokes

Larry Rogers The night he arrived in 2020 Augusta, Rogers said a 38-year-old Britney Spears, dressed in a floral muu muu and rainbow flip-flops, was performing to a sold-out arena. “I always knew I would bring world-class acts to Augusta,” Rogers said. “Overall, life seemed pretty good. The only problem I saw was the civic center’s roof was caving in and the seats were a little worn and rusty. But I watched my guys plaster up that ceiling and retape the seats. They turned that place into a castle. In my professional opinion, I think that civic center could last until 2040.” April Fool!

Chris Naylor That isn’t to say there aren’t other days that make up for it, though. Like the day Naylor spent sitting in a window seat at The Metro to see how many people wearing red shirts he could count. “I got mocha-ed to the gills that day,” Naylor laughs. Asked what was on his work plate today, Naylor rattles off a list of possible things he might attend to. “Well, I might walk down to the corner of Eighth and Broad,” Naylor says. “Or I might head west, maybe even down to the corner of 13th and Broad.” “With this job, you never know,” Naylor adds, throwing a crumpled napkin on his wiped-clean plate. “You just never know.” April Fool!

Springfield Village “Artist” Exposed as Crazed Welder By Nimrod P. Gerkin

police at his home around 10 a.m. April 1. Detectives described the inside of McFlintrock’s apartment as a “labryinthian milieu of metallurgical qualities unsurpassed since the creation of that giant, metal T-Rex that used to do the monster truck circuit.” But Investigator Quasimodo Flatfoot of the New York Police Department’s fraud division had a different take. “He just welded a bunch of crap together,” Flatfoot said. “All kinds of stuff. Old car bumpers, toasters, you name it. I’m surprised the guy didn’t burn himself up in there.” McFlintrock gave himself up to investigators peaceably, but asked that special arrangements be made for him to complete his most recent work, “Inspiration,” for Nashville, which happens to be Tennessee’s second largest city. “Inspiration? Jeez, is this guy deluded. Try welded-together junk,” said Flatfoot,

who confirmed that Nashville had indeed been talked into giving McFlintrock $2 million for the steel structure that had been assembled sideways inside McFlintrock’s apartment. “How he was going to get that thing out of there, I have no idea,” Flatfoot said. Flatfoot said McFlintrock chose second-largest cities because they “were easier marks.” Augusta Mayor Bob Young said there are no plans to take down the sculpture in Springfield Village Park. Young added, however, that the monument may be given a different use. “I don’t know, maybe one of the cell phone companies can use it as a transmitter tower and the city can somehow get some money out of that,” Young said. “You know, when you’re given lemons, sometimes you just have to learn how to make sweet tea.” April Fool!

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

ven as he was installing the very basic, welded sign proclaiming, “Springfield Village,” some were questioning why it had taken more than two years for the artist to complete this final, and seemingly simple, addition to the park off Reynolds Street. And after private pilots flying over the park on two separate occasions radioed the Federal Aviation Administration to report what appeared to be the twisted metal of a plane crash below, even more people began to ask what the “Tower of Aspirations” sculpture was supposed to mean in the first place. More insight into the centerpiece of Springfield Village Park was gained this week after a crazed welder, posing as famed sculptor Richard Hunt, was arrested in New York after allegedly bilking dozens of second-largest cities out of millions of dollars. Torch McFlintrock, a.k.a. John Smith, was taken into custody by New York

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aying there is just too much work to be done in Augusta, City Administrator George Kolb announced Tuesday he is hiring three more assistant administrators. Already, Kolb has taken some criticism for the move, but he insists it’s necessary. “Well, (assistant administrator) Peggy Seigler is all bogged down with, well, uh ... And then you’ve got Assistant Administrator Fred Russell, who quite frankly, um ... is it lunch time yet?” Combined, Kolb and his total of five assistant administrators will cost the county more than $1 million a year. That has some commissioners miffed. Frantically pointing at a tiny screen on the back of his digital camera during the Tuesday meeting at which Kolb’s plan was announced, Commissioner Marion Williams said he had the evidence to show that Kolb and his current two assistant administrators do nothing but sleep all day.

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“Look, here’s Kolb right here, out like a light,” Williams said, walking around to each commissioner to show off the pictures. “That’s what we’re paying him for.” Kolb, who had gotten up to look at the pictures himself, suddenly got an exasperated look on his face. “Marion, those are of me in my bed at home in the middle of the night,” Kolb exclaimed. “Really, you’ve got to let this stuff go.” Suffering from embarrassment, Williams went back and sat down, but continued to snap intermittent photos of Kolb during the meeting for no apparent reason. The motion to give Kolb the three new assistant administrators passed with little further discussion. Roused from a puddle of sleep drool on his desk, Russell said, “New administrators? Uh, yes, excellent.” April Fool!

music

ART S MUSIC EVENT S

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

bite

flix

BITE Order Anything With a Crust at B.C. Davenport’s

“O

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

ver the river and through the woods…” So goes the classic song about going to grandma’s house for Christmas. Going to B.C. Davenport’s in North Augusta is pretty similar — you do go over the river, but instead of woods, substitute gardens. And it is like a trip to grandma’s. Located in an old house, the staff at B.C. Davenport’s welcomes you in like family. Instead of Christmas, however, this is the perfect time to visit — the azaleas are blooming, the purple wisteria are dripping from the trees and the lighted candles on the wrought-iron tables located on the porch of this clapboard home all invite a sense of serenity. Perfect for these shortlived balmy spring evenings. I had never been to Davenport’s before — never even realized it was a restaurant despite having driven past it scores of times. But on the recent advice of a friend, we made the short trek and came away feeling like we’d had a nice, home-cooked meal. We were dressed pretty casually in jeans on a recent Saturday evening, and were a little worried when we looked into one of the several dining rooms and noticed everyone else dressed a bit formally. The Davenport’s staff didn’t seem to mind, though, and we were seated immediately at a table near a large window. Menus in hand, our attention was torn between deciding what to eat and perusing the eclectic mix of

memorabilia dotting the walls. In an adjacent dining room, we could see a framed portrait of Kramer from “Seinfeld”; a signed Beatles poster was given its rightful place of honor above the expansive fireplace; and the rest, it seemed, was stuff of local interest. While we looked, our waitress delivered a tray of crackers with strawberry jam and a garlicky, homemade pimiento cheese spread. Each good on their own, they were even better mixed together. When it came time to order we were torn: So many items on the menu — from steaks and seafood to sandwiches and stuffed potatoes — looked great, but we kept going back to the chicken pot pie, which my husband and I both ended up ordering. There are so many versions of chicken pot pie floating around in the restaurant world that you really never know what you’re going to get when you order one. Nevertheless, I was still a little surprised when the plate came to the table (not even 10 minutes after we ordered) and it was a triangular wedge of a whole pie. And a big wedge at that. The first thing you notice about this pie is the crust. Pale beige in color, it is absolutely perfect: dense but flaky and so buttery you almost want to eat it on its own. The filling isn’t your run-of-the-mill oozy, opaque yellow liquid in which float bits of chicken, peas and carrots. This filling is substantial, contains lots of vegetables and stays perfectly within the crust — not an ooze in site. Pure comfort food heaven. The pie is served with a small croissant and a portion of

By Amy Fennell Christian

Davenport’s signature salad: iceberg lettuce, grated carrots and chunks of skin-on apples in an Italian vinaigrette. It was nice and light. There are only a few choices on the children’s menu, and our little one immediately went for the hamburger and french fries (of course). The burger was big enough for an adult and was as thick and juicy as one you’d make at home. Served on a toasted Kaiser roll, it was one of the best burgers I’d (I mean she’d) had in a long time. Of the several dessert offerings, we chose the apple pie a la mode and a slice of carrot cake. Not to continue harping on the amazing crusts that Davenport’s turns out, but if it weren’t for the still-crunchy chunks of tart apples, the crust would have been the best thing about this pie. And although I’m not a big fan of carrot cake, this version was worth a second taste. Davenport’s is a mid-priced restaurant that serves lunch during the week as well as dinner on the weekends, but early evening seems to be the best time to enjoy the restaurant and its surroundings. And it seems that you won’t go wrong if you order anything that has a crust. B.C. Davenport’s is located at 301 Georgia Avenue at the corner of E. Clifton in North Augusta, 278-4462. Hours are 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Monday-Thursday, 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Friday and Saturday and 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Sunday. They accept all major credit cards.

in the mix Jennifer, 18, is an Augusta native who works at Jones Creek by day and takes night classes at Augusta State. During the week, you can find her in Jones Creek’s restaurant, while on weekends she dispenses drinks and snacks from a cart she drives around the course. Do players actually call her “cart girl”? Some people do and it doesn’t bother me. A lot of the members call me “Jen-nay” like in “Forrest Gump,” so I don’t hear “cart girl” as much as I hear “Jen-nay.” A good cart girl needs to have… You need to be an outgoing person and be able to get along with people well. You also need to have a big smile — that’s a big plus. So does she play golf? Yeah, I do actually. I love playing. I got my first set of clubs for Christmas. I’m not very good at it, but… And her handicap is? I’ve only been playing for about seven or eight months. I can give you one, but it’s really high.

Photo by Joe White

Masters: staying or leaving? Usually during the Masters I stay in town. My boyfriend’s a caddy at the National, so he gets tickets but I’ve never even been. What’s in her CD player? Avant. It’s R&B. I listen to a lot of rap and R&B. Then again, in my other car, I have Redbelly in the CD player, and that’s completely different.

Jennifer

Her other car? They’re not both in my name. I drive (my boyfriend’s) car and my car about the same amount. Worst habit she can’t break That would be biting my fingernails. I just can’t help it. It’s like I don’t even know I do it. Strangest quirk I can’t stand for my hands to be greasy. I can’t put my hands in a potato chip bag. When she’s not working, she’s… I play golf every chance I get and the rest of the time I’m studying. I like to go out to eat and play golf. Favorite restaurant Ruby Tuesday’s and, honestly, it’s because I have friends that work there. They have good food, too. Dog or cat person? Dog person. I have one dog — her name is Nellie and she’s a Fiest (a mix between a Jack Russell and a rat terrier) and she is feisty. Biggest fear Well, spiders, of course, but I’m really afraid of having a car wreck. How she describes her style Probably preppy, but then not really. I like Polo and that’s basically how I dress. Who she’d most like to play golf with My boyfriend’s going to kill me but Adam Scott, just because he’s so fine.

Quick

Waitress and cart girl, Jones Creek Golf Club

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SPRINGTIME DINING OUTSIDE

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Summer Camps at Fort Discovery are not only educational, they are out-of-this-world FUN! There’s something for everyone!

June 7th Discover Whodunit (4th-5th grades) Exploring Polar Connections

ART S Having Fun in Augusta

By Rhonda Jones

e here at Metro Spirit would like to welcome our out-of-town guests who have come to enjoy the Masters Tournament. If you have never before visited the Garden City, you will find a place filled with other delights as well. After your day on the course, there are plenty of places for you to grab a bite to eat, catch some music or relax with a cocktail. If you are not planning to attend the Masters Tournament every day that you’re in town, we have many attractions for you to enjoy, including some fantastic artwork on exhibit at various museums. And then there’s the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Taking a Break From the Course? If your companions are dragging you away from the National, but you still need a steady golf drip during your vacation, why not visit the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame? There are statues of famous golfers and a fantabulous botanical garden. The grounds are pretty large, so if you are traveling with elderly family members, you may want to use a golf cart to explore the garden. Otherwise, if you feel like a stroll, go for it. On April 5 at 6 p.m., the Golf Hall will host the Mayor’s Masters Reception in the gardens, featuring Arnold Palmer as the guest of honor. Twenty-five local restaurants will be giving away free samples. And admission is free as well. One of the most compelling exhibits currently on display is at the Augusta Museum of History: “The Life and Legend of Charles A. Lindbergh.” It’s so fascinating, you can spend some serious time in there. There is a mockup of Lindbergh’s instrument panel, and a fullscale model of his cockpit, as well as bits of his journals, and even information about “the Lindbergh baby.” The history museum is located downtown on 6th Street. Just take Broad to 6th and hang a left. The ride to the history museum will take you through downtown Augusta , which hosts a nice little nest of restaurants, bars and coffeeshops. You can get pizza, Japanese, Mexican and more. Just park your car and walk for the downtown experience. Or maybe you’d like to head on over to the Riverwalk. If you brought youngsters, take them to Fort Discovery. Visit the Morris

THE GEORGIA GOLF HALL OF FAME BOASTS SERENE BOTANICAL GARDENS. THIS IS A PHOTO OF THE BUTTERFLY GARDEN.

Public Golf Courses • Applewood Golf Course – 554-0028 or 1-877-554-0144 • Augusta Golf Course – 731-9344 or 731-9411 • The Boulders Golf Course – 465-2577 • Cedar Creek Golf Club – (803) 648-4206 • Club at Jones Creek – 860-4228 • Cooper’s Creek Golf Club – (800) 828-8463 • The First Tee of Augusta – 364-4653 • Forest Hills Golf Club – 733-0001 or 736-8431 • Gordon Lakes Golf Course – 791-6854 Museum, which features works about the South and by Southern artists. Or just take a walk and enjoy the water. Watch the ducks. If water is your thing, you may want to head on over to the Augusta Canal. It’s our little bit of wilderness in the heart of the city. You can walk or bicycle along the towpath if that’s your speed. If you brought your dog, it’s a great place to walk him. There is a wonderful spot by the river that is great for picnics. You’ll see it when you get there — it’s an ultra-lush spot on the right as you go from the Georgia end to the South Carolina side. Maybe you’ll see the still, soothing waters and decide you want to get out there. How about a ride on a Petersburg boat? Extra departure times have even been added for your convenience. For more information on these events and more, see the Calendar on page 30.

• Goshen Plantation Golf Club – 793-1035 • Hickory Knob State Resort Park – 1-800-491-1764 • Midland Valley Country Club – 279-5352 • Mount Vintage Plantation Golf Club – 279-5422 • Persimmon Hill Golf Club – 1-800-279-1931 • Pointe South Golf Club Inc. – 592-2222 • The River Golf Club – 202-0110 • Rocky Branch Golf Club – 359-4303 • South Edisto Golf Course – (803) 649-3366 • Three Oaks Golf Course Ltd. – 556-1400

When the Sun Goes Down But all those things are daytime activities. After dark, things get even more interesting. If you check out our After Dark section on page 47, you’ll see a complete listing of the week’s events at area bars. Downtown Augusta and Washington Road (where The Augusta National is located) are two of the most clubheavy areas in Augusta, but of course there are plenty of clubs off the beaten path as well. Here’s an example of some of the stuff you will find once you venture from your hotel room, friend’s house or relative’s house, after the sun has been down for a while. If you’re in town early, there is a neat monthly First Friday event during which the art galleries downtown open themselves up to the public with offerings of wine, cheese and crackers. That will be happening on April 2 this month. Go. Wander the streets. Take your kids. Take your dog. Eat hot dogs. (That was unfortunate

timing. I am not, however, changing it.) Something you may want to be aware of is that, on April 6, Last Call is having a foam party. That means they will probably be filling the dance floor with foam and that you will probably get damp if you’re out there in it. So dress accordingly. The next night, however, they will have the Swingin’ Medallions, which may or may not make you damp, depending on your own personal feelings. The next night, Stewart & Winfield will grace the pub. That’s a good thing. They rock. If you decide that April 9 would be a good night to explore downtown Augusta, and you happen to be a fan of the ‘80s, break out your bangles and big hair — it’s ‘80s night at the Modjeska, an old converted theatre. On April 9, Crossroads bar, also downtown, will host the Masters Massacre, which is a showcase of several Augusta bands. Go out. Enjoy yourselves.

l a C n a r u g usta C oo ise C k & o

Paddle, Pedal & Party!

PRESENTS

17th Annual

N AT I O N A L H E R I TA G E A R E A

May 1, 2004 Celebrate Springtime along the Augusta Canal Paddle on the water or Pedal along the towpath and Party at the Augusta Canal at Enterprise Mill. Enjoy barbeque from Sconyers and bluegrass from Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold. Plus hop aboard the Canal’s Petersburg tour boats and take a trip through the Interpretive Center. It’s all part of the 17th annual Augusta Canal Cruise and Cookout!

Fun Activities for All Ages: ! New Petersburg tour boats - Boats depart from the docks throughout the afternoon. ! Free Admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center - for all Cruise and Cookout ticket holders. Check out the great interactive exhibits! ! Canoeing - $40 per person includes canoe, life jacket, security and bus transportation from the Mill to the Headgates and chance to win kayak from A.W.O.L. (Children must be 7 and older and accompanied by a parent.) New to Canoes? FREE Lessons AWOL Paddle Days Lake Olmstead April 24

! Bicycling - $20 per person includes mid-ride refreshment station and chance to win a bike from Andy Jordan's. Ride begins and ends at the Enterprise Mill. ! Kayaking - $15 per person. Bring your kayak and follow the canoers to Enterpise Mill. Then join the party! ! Picnic Only - $15 per person. Includes Interpretive Center and Petersburg tour boat ride. All tickets include refreshments, admission to the barbeque at the Mill, admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center, and a Petersburg boat ride (as space is available). The first 150 people to register to canoe, kayak or cycle receive a free Canal Cruise t-shirt!

Registration Deadline: Thursday April 29th, noon. Check-in begins at 1 p.m. at the Augusta Canal Headquarters at Enterprise Mill

For more details call 706-823-0440 or visit www.AugustaCanal.com

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Aug usta Canal Cruise & Cookout

Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse AWOL-American Wilderness Outfitters Communigraphics Publix and Publix Charities Sconyers Barbeque Taylor Auto Group

Kids

Learning

Volunteers

Sports

Calendar Health

Education

Out of Town Music

Special

Benefits Meetings Theater Auditions Exhibitions Attractions MuseumsArts Seniors Dance Arts Auditions SWEET ADELINES HARMONY RIVER CHORUS OPEN REHEARSAL for singers each Thursday at 7 p.m. at Church of Christ, 600 Martintown Rd. in North Augusta. They are on the lookout for voices in the lower ranges. Contact Stacy Branch at 877-9931. AUGUSTA CHILDREN’S CHORALE is holding auditions on three Saturdays this spring, beginning in March. For more information, call 826-4718. THE BEECH ISLAND HISTORICAL SOCIETY is looking for a couple to duplicate a wedding that took place on the Sandbar Ferry Bridge in 1924. Clothing, vintage automobile, media coverage, minister and music will be provided at no cost to the wedding couple. The Historical Society would like the groom to be from Georgia and the bride to be from South Carolina. For more information, contact Joan Harrison at (803) 827-3209 or The Beech Island Historical Society at (803) 867-3600.

Education ISRAELI DANCE WORKSHOP at the Augusta Jewish Community Center Sunday afternoons, 4-5 p.m. Open to teens and adults; no experience or partners are necessary. Cost is $2 per session, with the first session free. For information or to schedule a pre-class beginner/refresher session, contact Jackie Cohen, 738-9016. ART CLASSES AND WORKSHOPS are offered yearround at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art. Classes and workshops are open to toddlers through adults and feature instruction in drawing, painting, photography, pottery, weaving and sculpture. For a newsletter or detailed information on registering for classes at the Gertrude Herbert, call 722-5495. The Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art also offers educational tours; for information, contact the education director at the above telephone number.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

ART CLASSES FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS at the Art Factory. The Art Factory also has a homeschool program and scholarships are available. Programs include painting, pottery, pilates, hip hop and modern dance and more. Classes are held at the Art Factory, 418 Crawford Ave., or at the Augusta Jewish Community Center. Call 731-0008 for details.

Exhibitions

“THE WORLD’S PASSION FOR ONE MAN: THE LINDBERGH COLLECTION” will be on exhibit at the Augusta Museum of History through May 23. In addition, Lindbergh footage will be continuously shown in the museum’s History Theatre through April 30. Call 722-8454.

“TIME AND TIDE,” an exhibition of works by artist Wanda Steppe, will be on display through April 10 at the Rabold Gallery. For more information, call (803) 641-4405.

JANOS ENYEDI EXHIBITS AT THE MORRIS MUSEUM OF ART AND AT THE MARY PAULINE GALLERY. CALL THE MORRIS AT 724-7501 OR THE MARY PAULINE GALLERY AT 724-9542. AIKEN HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT ART SHOW at the upper gallery of the Etherredge Center in Aiken through April 5. For more information, call (803) 641-3305.

GRADUATING SENIORS ART EXHIBITION at ASU’s Fine Arts Gallery through April 30. Free. For more information, call 737-1878.

MATT WHITFORD will display art at the Etherredge Center lower gallery through April 2. For more information, call (803) 641-3305.

“JANOS ENYEDI: THE AMERICAN INDUSTRIAL LANDSCAPE — RECONSTRUCTED” will be on view at the Morris Museum of Art April 2-May 30. Janos Enyedi will also participate in Terra Cognita: Contemporary Artists Lecture Series on April 1, also at the Morris Museum of Art. For more information, call 724-7501.

RICHARD JOLLEY, sculptor of glass, will display works through May 9 at the Morris Museum of Art. For more information, call 724-7501.

SENIOR VISUAL ART EXIT SHOW by Davidson Fine Arts School is April 1-May 2, with a reception on April 13

from 3:30-6:30 p.m. at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art. For more information, call 823-6924, ext. 153. WORKS OF TOM NAKASHIMA AND JANOS ENYEDI will be on display at the Mary Pauline Gallery April 2-May 29, with a reception on April 2 from 5-8 p.m. For more information, call 724-9542.

Dance THE AUGUSTA INTERNATIONAL FOLK DANCE CLUB meets Thursday evenings at 7:30 p.m. No partners are

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AUGUSTA GOLF & BOTANICAL GARDENS OF THE GEORGIA GOLF HALL OF FAME features beautiful display gardens, as well as bronze sculptures of some of golf’s greatest masters. Available for rent for a variety of functions. Group discount rates available. Closed Mondays; open from 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Tues.-Sat.; open from 1-5 p.m. on Sunday. Admission is $5.50 for adults; $4.50 for students, seniors and military; $3.50 for children (4-12); free for children 3 and under. Sundays are two for one with a Super Sunday coupon. Annual garden memberships are available. Call 724-4443 or 1-888874-4443. Also, visit their Web site at www.gghf.org.

needed and newcomers are welcome. Call 737-6299 for location and info. THE DANCES OF UNIVERSAL PEACE held the first Saturday of every month, 7-9 p.m., at the Unitarian Church of Augusta, honor the religious traditions of the world through song and movement. Call (803) 643-0460 for more information. AUGUSTA CHAPTER OF THE UNITED STATES AMATEUR BALLROOM DANCERS ASSOCIATION holds a dance the first Saturday of each month, from 7:15-11 p.m. Cost is $7 for members and $10 for non-members. Held at the BPOE facility on Elkdom Court. Contact Melvis Lovett, 733-3890, or Jean Avery, 863-4186, for information.

NATIONAL SCIENCE CENTER’S FORT DISCOVERY: Children and adults alike can immerse themselves in the wonders of science through live demonstrations, virtual realities, Starlab, KidScape and more than 250 hands-on exhibits. General Admission: $8 for adults; $6 for children, seniors and active military. Group rates available. Operating hours: Mon.Sat., 10 a.m.-5 p.m.; Sunday, noon-5 p.m. Call 821-0200, 1-800-325-5445 or visit their Web site at www.NationalScienceCenter.org.

DANCE LIKE THE PROS with ballroom dance lessons on Tuesdays, through April 6 from 7:30-8-30 p.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center. Call (803) 642-7631 for more information.

Music SPRING CONCERTS AT THE COMMON April 9 and May 1 from 7-9 p.m. For more information, call 821-1754. THIRD DAY AND TOBY MAC perform live at the Augusta Civic Center at the April 15 at 7 p.m. For more information, call 722-3521.

PHINIZY SWAMP NATURE PARK, OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, GIVES VISITORS THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE A VARIETY OF WILDLIFE IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT. CALL 828-2109 FOR INFORMATION.

“BORENYA,” African drums and dance, will be at USCAiken’s Etherredge Center on April 14 at 7 p.m. as part of that USC Aiken’s Mauldin Series. For more information, call (803) 641-3305.

“UNCOMMON LOVE” will be performed at the Imperial Theatre 7:30 p.m. April 8-10. $12. Call 722-8293.

QUIET STORM CONCERT IN THE GARDENS on April 2 from 7:30-9:30 p.m. For more information, call 724-4443.

Theater “QUILTERS” will be presented by USC-Aiken’s University Theatre Players April 1-5 at 8 p.m. and April 4 at 3 p.m. at the Etherredge Center. For more information, call (803) 641-3305.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

“BOY GETS GIRL” will be at the Aiken Community Playhouse on April 2, 3, 9-11, 16 and 17. For more information, call (803) 648-1438.

Attractions MOTORIZED TOURS OF HISTORIC AIKEN every Saturday, 10-11:30 a.m. Tours leave from the Washington Center for the Performing Arts. Reservations are required, and patrons must be age 2 and older. (803) 642-7631. AUGUSTA CANAL INTERPRETIVE CENTER: Housed in Enterprise Mill, the center contains displays and models focusing on the Augusta Canal’s functions and importance to the textile industry. Hours are Mon.-Sat., 10 a.m.-6 p.m. and Sun., 1-6 p.m. Admission is $5 adult, $4 seniors and military and $3 children ages 6-18.

Children under 6 admitted free. Guided boat tours of the Augusta Canal depart from the docks at Enterprise Mill at 11 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m. Saturdays and Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11 a.m. and 1:30 p.m. Tour tickets are $6 adults, $5 seniors and $4 students and children. For tour information, call 823-7089. For other info, visit www.augustacanal.com or call 823-0440. THE BOYHOOD HOME OF WOODROW WILSON: Circa 1859 Presbyterian manse occupied by the family of President Woodrow Wilson as a child during the Civil War and Reconstruction. Original and period antiques, restored house, kitchen and carriage house. 419 Seventh Street. Open 10 a.m.-5 p.m., Tues.-Sat. Tours available; groups of 10 or more by appointment only. Admission is $5 adults, $4 seniors, $3 students under 18 and free for ages 5 and under. 722-9828.

REDCLIFFE STATE HISTORIC SITE: 1859 mansion of S.C. Governor James Henry Hammond, held by the family for three generations until 1975. Grounds and slave quarters are open Thursday-Monday, 9 a.m.-6 p.m. House tours will be offered at 1, 2 and 3 p.m. Admission to the grounds is free. Fee for house tours is $3 for adults and children ages 6-17. For more information, call (803) 827-1473. 181 Redcliffe Road, Beech Island. SACRED HEART CULTURAL CENTER is offering tours of its 100-year-old building. Mon.-Fri., 9 a.m.-5 p.m. $1 per person, children free. 826-4700. AUGUSTA VISITORS INFORMATION CENTER inside the Augusta Museum of History is open 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Monday-Saturday and 1-5 p.m. Sunday. 724-4067. THE EZEKIEL HARRIS HOUSE: Deemed “the finest 18th century house surviving in Georgia” by the “Smithsonian Guide to Historic America.” Open Saturday, 10 a.m.-1 p.m. General admission is $2; senior admission is $1 and children get in for 50 cents. For more information, call 724-0436. PHINIZY SWAMP NATURE PARK: See egrets, blue herons, river otters and elusive alligators in their natural setting, just minutes from downtown Augusta. The park has observation decks, boardwalks and several nature

MASTERWORKS OF SOUTHERN ART TOUR on April 4 at 3:30 p.m. at the Morris Museum of Southern Art. Free admission. For more information, call 724-7501. TERRA COGNITA: CONTEMPORARY ARTISTS LECTURE SERIES concludes on April 13 with Helen Frederick lecturing. For more information, call the Morris Museum of Art at 724-7501. MASTERS WEEK: GONE WITH THE WIND TOUR at the Morris Museum of Art April 5-10 at 11 a.m. For more information, call 724-7501. THE GERTRUDE HERBERT INSTITUTE OF ART in Ware’s Folly exhibits works by local and regional artists. Art classes, workshops and other educational programming for children, youth and adults are held in the Walker-Mackenzie Studio. Open Tuesday-Friday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. and Saturday by appointment only. Admission is free, but a donation of $2 for adults and $1 for children and seniors is encouraged. Call 7225495 or visit www.ghia.org for more info.

THE MORRIS MUSEUM OF ART hosts exhibitions and special events year-round. Open Tuesday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sundays, noon-5 p.m. Closed on Mondays and major holidays. 1 Tenth Street, Augusta. Call 724-7501 or visit www.themorris.org for details. THE MUSEUM OF LAUREL AND HARDY OF HARLEM, GEORGIA features displays of various Laurel and Hardy memorabilia; films also shown. Located at 250 N. Louisville Street in downtown Harlem. Open 1-4 p.m. Thursday-Monday. For more information, call 556-3448. LUNCH AT NOON LECTURE SERIES held the second Wednesday of every month at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History, 11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Call the museum at 724-3576 for more information.

Special Events AUGUSTA SHOWCASE, an economic development campaign to market the area to potential business residents, will soon be underway. The Augusta Metro Chamber of Commerce is giving presentations on the effort. Contact Tammy Stout, 722-8326, ext. 2, to schedule a speaker for your club or civic group. MCDUFFIE FRIENDS OF ANIMALS holds pet adoptions each Saturday, 1-3 p.m. at Superpetz on Bobby Jones Expressway. Call 556-9090 or visit www.petfinder.com. COLUMBIA COUNTY HUMANE SOCIETY holds pet adoptions every Saturday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. and every Sunday from 1-4 p.m. at PetsMart. For more info, call 860-5020. RICHMOND COUNTY ANIMAL CONTROL AND AUGUSTA ANIMAL RESCUE FRIENDS hold pet adoptions at Superpetz off Bobby Jones Expressway every Sunday from 1-4 p.m. Call AARF at 364-4747 or visit www.aarf.net. Adoptions also held at the Richmond County Animal Control Shelter, Tues.-Sun., 1-5 p.m. Call the shelter at 790-6836.

MOLLY’S MILITIA, a pet adoption agency, meets each Saturday at Superpetz in Aiken from 11 a.m.-3 p.m., PetsMart in Aiken from 3-6:30 p.m., and PetsMart in Augusta from 4:30-7:30 p.m. For more information, call (803) 279-7003.

EASTER SUNRISE SERVICE at the Jessye Norman Amphitheater on April 11 at 6 a.m. For more information, call 821-1754. DOWNTOWN LUNCH DATE beginning on April 14 and continuing each Wednesday through June 30 from noon-1:30 p.m. at the Augusta Common. Will feature lunch from a local restaurant and musical entertainment. For more information, call 821-1754. MAYOR’S MASTERS RECEPTION on April 5 at 6 p.m. in the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame will feature golf legend Arnold Palmer. Free admission. For more information, call 724-4443. EXTRA CANAL BOAT TOURS have been added to accommodate Masters Week guests. Five extra departure times, in addition to the original times on April 510, have been added by canal officials. There will also be a sunset cruise on April 7 at 7 p.m. For more information, call 823-0440. BOOK SIGNING by author Freddie Lee Peterkin of his book, “Imaginary Justice,” at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History on April 3 from 9-11 a.m. Please RSVP. For more information call 724-3576. FORT GORDON EASTER SUNRISE SERVICE will be held April 11 at 6:30 a.m. in Freedom Park. For more information, call 791-2945. FIRST FRIDAY GREAT DANE PARADE on April 2 at 7 p.m. in front of the Metro Coffeehouse. All dogs are welcome. For more information, contact Jeff or Tonia Thomas at 737-5808.

Benefits AUGUSTA BALLET MERCEDES RAFFLE: The Augusta Ballet will raffle off a 2004 Mercedes CLK 320 Cabriolet during May’s First Friday celebration. Tickets are $100 each and may be purchased through the Ballet office at 261-0555.

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SHEPEARD COMMUNITY BLOOD CENTER BLOOD DRIVES in various locations around the CSRA this month. For detailed information on locations and times to donate, visit www.shepeardblood.org. You may also call Susan Edwards at (803) 643-7996 for information on Aiken locations and Nancy Szocinski at 737-4551 for information on all other locations.

HOPE HOUSE “VIVA LAS VEGAS” FUNDRAISER will take place May 7, 6:30-11 p.m. at the Radisson Riverfront Hotel. The evening will feature a Vegas-style casino including Craps, Blackjack, Roulette and Poker, with prizes available to purchase with winnings. All proceeds benefit Hope House, Inc. For more information, call 737-9879. HUGE BAKE SALE to benefit Hope House on April 15 from 9 a.m.-4 p.m. at the MCG Children’s Hospital Main Lobby. For more information, call 737-9879.

Kids AIKEN COUNTY PONY CLUB meets weekly. Open to children of all ages who participate or are interested in equestrian sports. For more information, contact Lisa Smith at (803) 649-3399.

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AUGUSTA-RICHMOND COUNTY ANIMAL CONTROL is in need of dog and cat food, cat litter and other pet items, as well as monetary donations to help pay for vaccinations. Donations accepted during regular business hours, Tues.-Sun., 1-5 p.m. at the shelter, 4164 Mack Lane. Call 790-6836 for information.

AMERICAN RED CROSS BLOOD DRIVES at the Aiken Red Cross Blood Center on Millbrook Drive and the Augusta Red Cross Blood Center on Pleasant Home Road. The bloodmobile will also stop at various area locations this week. For a complete list, call the Aiken Blood Center at (803) 642-5180 or the Augusta Blood Center at 868-8800.

nic ipal G o Mu

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

THE CSRA HUMANE SOCIETY holds pet adoptions every Saturday from 10 a.m.-4 p.m. and every Wednesday evening from 5:30-7:30 p.m. at the Pet Center located behind the GreenJackets Stadium on Milledge Rd. 261-PETS.

MASTERS WEEK “BIRDIE” WALK on April 9 at the Phinizy Swamp Nature Park from 8-11 a.m. For more information, call 828-2109.

se Cour lf

THE AUGUSTA MUSEUM OF HISTORY hosts permanent exhibition “Augusta’s Story,” an award-winning exhibit encompassing 12,000 years of local history. For the younger crowd, there’s the Susan L. Still Children’s Discovery Gallery, where kids can learn about history in a hands-on environment. The museum also shows films in the History Theatre and hosts a variety of programs. Located at 560 Reynolds Street. Open Tuesday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sunday 1-5 p.m. Admission is $4 adult, $3 seniors, $2 kids (618 years of age) and free for children under 6. Free admission on Sundays. Call 722-8454 or visit www.augustamuseum.org for more information.

EASTER AT THE GARDENS on April 11, from 9 a.m.-7 p.m. at the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame Botanical Gardens. For more information, call 724-4443.

Museums

GREYTHOUND LOVE GREYHOUND ADOPTION is holding a Meet and Greet at PetsMart on Whiskey Road in Aiken on April 10 from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. No on-site adoptions, but adoption applications will be made available. For more information, contact Jeanne McGee at 796-1708.

August

trails suitable for hiking. Open Monday-Friday, noondusk, and Saturday and Sunday, dawn to dusk. For more information, call the Southeastern Natural Sciences Academy Office at 828-2109.

1028 Broad Street

722.1028

THE FIRST FRIDAY GREAT DANE PARADE STARTS OUTSIDE THE METRO COFFEEHOUSE AT 7 P.M. APRIL 2. ALL BIG DOGS AND BIG DOGS AT HEART ARE WELCOME TO ATTEND AND BRING THEIR OWNERS ALONG FOR THE RIDE! CALL 737-5808 FOR MORE INFORMATION. enrolled in kindergarten through high school. In addition to offering specialized programs, Girls Incorporated offers van pick-up at select schools, neighborhood drop-off, homework room and a hot evening meal. For information, call 733-2512. WEEKLY STORY SESSIONS at all branch libraries. Visit www.ecgrl.public.lib.ga.us for more information. FIRST SATURDAY STORYTELLING at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum. In addition, there is a tour of the museum. Held 10 a.m.-noon the first Saturday of the month. Call 724-3576. STORYTIME IN THE GARDENS will take place Tuesdays at 4 p.m. in May in Hopeland Gardens. For more information, call (803) 642-7631. MACH ACADEMY MASTERS WEEK CAMP on April 5-9, 9 a.m.-1 p.m. to be held in the May Park Community Center. The MACH Academy ‘s mission is to provide life skills development through academic, technology and recreational experiences. Focus demographics are inner city and disadvantaged youth, ages 6-18. For more information, call 796-5046 .

Seniors

SENIOR VOLUNTEERS NEEDED for new Docent Training Program at the historic home of Nicholas Ware. Learn the fascinating history of Ware’s Folly and the families who lived there. All interested should call 722-5495. SPRING SENIOR LUNCHEON at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History on April 14 at 11:30 a.m. Event will feature guest speakers James Passefero, CEO of Insect Universe, Anthony Page, Film Maker/Financial Analyst and Dianne King, Marketing Director of the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame’s Botanical Gardens. For more information, call 724-3576.

Sports THE AUGUSTA LYNX plays at home on April 1. For tickets, call 724-4423 or visit www.augustalynx.com. FAMILY Y RECREATIONAL GYMNASTICS session held through May 14. Classes available for toddlers through teens. Call 738-6678.

UNIVERSITY SENIORS CLUB has moved to a new location at 4106 Columbia Rd. University Seniors Club offers health screenings, support groups, health education classes and social activities. For more information, call 868-3231 or 1-800-413-6652.

THE AUGUSTA RUGBY CLUB is always looking for new members. Teams available for women and men; no experience necessary. Practice is Tuesday and Thursday nights, 7-9 p.m. at Richmond Academy. For more information, call Don Zuehlke, 495-2043, or e-mail augustarfc@yahoo.com. You may also visit www.augustarugby.org.

WALTON REHABILITATION HOSPITAL offers Arthritis Aquatics and People with Arthritis Can Exercise. Call 823-5294 for information. SENIOR VOLUNTEERS NEEDED for the new visitor center at Phinizy Swamp Nature Center to greet visitors, hand out literature and sell merchandise. Volunteers are asked to commit one Saturday or Sunday per month, 9 a.m.-1 p.m. or 1-5 p.m. Call 828-2109 for information.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

SENIORNET provides adults age 50 and over education for and access to computer technology. Many different courses are offered. Contact the USC-Aiken Continuing Education Office at (803) 641-3563.

AARP TAX ASSISTANCE provided through April 13 at Friedman Branch Library on Thursdays, 9 a.m.-1 p.m.; Maxwell Branch Library Tuesdays and Fridays, 10 a.m.2 p.m.; and at the Gibbs Memorial Library Tuesdays, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Call the Friedman Branch at736-6758, the Maxwell Branch at 793-2020 or the Gibbs Memorial Library at 863-1946 for more information.

HOME-BASED CARE available for low- to mid-income families seeking alternatives to nursing home placement. To participate, individuals must be aged 60 or up or must have disability status as defined by Social Security Administration guidelines. Applicants must also meet program income guidelines. For more information, contact the CSRA Area Agency on Aging at 210-2018 or 1-888-922-4464.

ballroom dance, aerobics, quilting, tai chi, Spanish, line dancing, bowling, bridge, computers, drama club/readers theatre and pinochle. For dates and times, phone 826-4480.

AIKEN PARKS AND RECREATION offers a multitude of programs for senior adults, including bridge clubs, fitness classes, canasta clubs, line dancing, racquetball, arts and crafts, tennis and excursions. For more information, call (803) 642-7631. THE ACADEMY FOR LIFELONG LEARNING offers lectures, courses, field trips, discussion groups and community information seminars on a variety of topics to mature adults. For more information, contact the USCAiken Office of Continuing Education at (803) 641-3288. THE SENIOR CITIZENS COUNCIL OF GREATER AUGUSTA AND THE CSRA offers a variety of classes, including

THE AUGUSTA VOLLEYBALL ASSOCIATION is looking for new members. For more information, visit www.augustavolleyball.com.

VOLLEYBALL OPEN GYM will be held Wednesday nights in April in the H.O. Weeks Center from 7-9:15 p.m. For more information, call (803) 642-7631. AUGUSTA FLYERS TRACK CLUB invites area youth ages 7-18 to join the team. Registration is through May 15. For more information, contact George Taylor at 7383737. VOLLEYBALL CLASSES FOR KIDS take place on Mondays through April 19 from 6-7:30 p.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call (803) 642-7631 for more information. AUGUSTA GREENJACKETS kick off their home season on April 12, with games continuing consecutively at home through April 18. For game times or other information, call 736-7889.

GUIDELINES: Public service announcements are listed in this section without charge at the discretion of the editor. Announcements must be received by Monday at noon and will be included as space permits. Send to Events, Metro Spirit, P.O. Box 3809, Augusta, GA 30914 or fax (706) 733-6663. You may also e-mail listings to rhonda.jones@metrospirit.com or lisa.jordan@metrospirit.com. Listings cannot be taken over the phone.

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Bomb Epic

Hollywood

Flix Must-See

Boring

Comedy Sleeper Oscar Pick Director Stars This Rocks Famous Silly

Awesome

Action

rock star, dead bodies start piling up in this spoof on the horror-movie genre. Cast: Jay Chandrasekhar, Bill Paxton, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Kevin Heffernan. Brother Bear (G) — Latest Disney animated offering about a young man, Kenai, who is transformed by The Great Spirits into a bear. On a quest to gain back his human form, Kenai befriends a bear cub, Koda, and evades his human brother, who, not realizing Kenai has been turned into a bear, is on Kenai’s trail on a revenge mission.Cast: Jeremy Suarez, Joaquin Phoenix, Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas. The Butterfly Effect (R) — As Evan Treborn, Ashton Kutcher is a floppy fishie with a hook in his mouth, and that hook is the script. Seems that Evan's dad is a deranged psycho with a "most unusual" brain disorder who, during the boy's visit to the ward, tries to throttle and kill him. As Evan grows up, there are other lurid milestones. Evan has a breakthrough: Reading his old diaries, the pages quiver and this lets him mentally travel back to a past he can now

Cheaper by the Dozen (PG) —

To make an old (1950) Clifton Webb comedy without Clifton Webb is a serious loss, but getting Steve Martin — a vanilla-shaked version of Webb's snappish fussiness — is not a bad idea for "Cheaper by the Dozen." He's engaging as Tom Baker, football coach and father of 12 kids. Bonnie Hunt plays the wife and mom, Kate, looking awfully good despite the wear. The Bakers have a great life in a small town where Tom coaches, but he's hired to go to a bigger team outside Chicago, and the only story is the stress on the family from their move. The film is simple and obvious and plastic, but diverting. Designed to be fluff, it's fluffy all the time. Cast: Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt, Piper Perabo, Hilary Duff, Richard Jenkins. Running time: 1 hr., 34 mins. (Elliott) !!

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (PG) — Another Disney

“H

dinky, turning the dreams of girls into piffle. Lindsay Lohan pitches her pretty charm like mad as "drama queen" Lola, who leaves New York for New Jersey (looks like a section of Burbank), wins a worshipful friend, dazzles a boy, squelches a snarky rival and stars in a rock version of “Pygmalion” full of "American Idol" razzle. Wasted rather depressingly are Carol Kane, Glenne Headly and other talents, treated as confetti at Lohan's feet. 1 hr., 34 mins. (Elliott) ! Dawn of the Dead (R) — Thanks to a plague, the United States is taken over by zombies. It pretty much follows the rules found in the “Zombie Codebook”: If killed by a zombie, one must return as one. Once turned into a zombie, one must seek fresh blood. One must also go to the mall. (To the mall?) The good guys, for some reason, think that the mall is a pretty neat place to be too. Needless to say, forces collide, with the good guys deciding to make a run for it to a (supposedly) safe island. But first, they have to get through a sea of the undead. Based upon the 1979 movie “Dawn of the Dead.” Cast: Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Mekhi Phifer, Michael Barry, Linday Booth, Ty Burrell, Jayne Eastwood, Michael Kellym, Jake Weber, Kevin Zegers, Tom Savini.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004 36

y”

Columbia Pictures

bo ell

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (PG13) — The first "Dirty

Dancing" was engaging kitsch, a spritzy sensation of 1987. Now, we get Britain's Romola Garai as Katey, whose American businessman father moves the family to Havana in late

RATINGS !!!! — Excellent

Broken Lizard’s Club Dread (R) — On an island resort owned by a has-been

Wa lt D isne yP ictu res

Frankie Muniz, who is 18, playing 16 and at moments looks ripe to be 40, is agent Banks, a CIA operative on a covert mission to Britain. Kevin Allen directed like a giddy tourist, and the menu of Saturday daytime entertainment is served a bit more sharply than by the last "Spy Kids" romp. Cast: Frankie Muniz, Anthony Anderson, Hannah Spearritt, Cynthia Stevenson, Keith David. Running time: 1 hr., 24 mins. (Elliott) !!

change. In the middle, gulping like a caught bass, is Kutcher, aching with sincerity and technique you could call inadequate except that no technique would be adequate. The poor guy is caught, stuffed and mounted. Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Amy Smart, Elden Henson, Kevin Schmidt, Eric Stoltz, William Lee Scott. Running time: 1 hr., 53 mins. (Elliott) !

Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (PG) —

Funny

Not Bad

ange” R e th

Drama

Masterpiece

“ H om

Lame

1958. Katey looks right through the snob Yank who woos her and settles her virginal eyes on hotel busboy Javier (Diego Luna). He is into hot dancing, which means variants of body rubbing under a lava flow of Cuban music. When Garai delivered some simpy lines in a love scene, cackling broke out at the press preview. Those laughs should be aimed at director Guy Ferland and the script. Cast: Romola Garai, Diego Luna, Patrick Swayze, Sela Ward, Mika Boorem. Running time: 1 hr., 36 mins. (Elliott) !! 50 First Dates (PG-13) — Henry (Adam Sandler) is a vet at an aquarium in Hawaii and a serial seducer of island visitors, his policy being love 'em and let 'em leave. True love, of course, lies in wait. At a picturesque diner, he sees Lucy (Drew Barrymore), and it's love at first sight. They hit it off wonderfully, but when they meet at the diner the next morning, she has no idea who he is. Henry learns that Lucy, following an accident the year before, has that favorite Hollywood malady, amnesia. The romantic aspects benefit from being contrasted to the comedy, which is oafish in the extreme. Oh, well — you can always look at the beautiful island scenery. Cast: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore. (Britton) !!

The Haunted Mansion (PG) —

Another movie based on a ride at Disneyland, again featuring cheesy, story-altering references to the rides, as well as plots about ghosts and curses. Eddie Murphy is a workaholic real estate agent and a smooth-talking sleazebag. A promising real-estate deal turns out to be more than he bargains for, and his eagerness to scope out a house on the way to a family vacation leaves his entire family stranded at a creepy, cobweb-ridden Louisiana mansion with a curse. The result is a movie that, while consistently amusing, plays like a hackneyed effort to stretch a few minutes of ride into a coherent, hour-and-a-half story. Running time: 1 hr., 39 mins. (Fu) !! Hellboy (PG-13) — Mutant Hellboy is

!!!— Worthy

!! — Mixed

! — Poor

rescued from evil forces by Professor Broom, a man committed to making nature’s misfits into superheros. The group of mutants is forced to live in Dr. Broom’s laboratory, hidden from the world they protect. Cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Jeffrey Tambor, Karel Roden, Victoria Smurfit. Hidalgo (PG-13) — Viggo Mortensen plays Frank Hopkins, who was an actual man and won a lot of long endurance races on a lot of horses. Mortensen's Hopkins has seen something (the Wounded Knee massacre in 1890) that drops him into drink and depression. He drifts into showbiz, working for Buffalo Bill Cody, which sours him further because he's part Indian and knows the show is a brazen travesty of the expiring Old West. But he has Hidalgo, the mustang. The look in his equine eye always says "I'm a star, buster," and in his tough American way he's ready for the challenge: the epic "Ocean of Fire" race across the Arabian desert, up through Iraq and to the sea. Nobody should become too sophisticated for this sort of entertainment, which delivers great-looking people and animals and action to stir your most youthful blood. Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Omar Sharif, Louise Lombard, Zuleika Robinson, Silas Carson. Running time: 2 hrs. (Elliott) !!! Home on the Range (PG) — Life at an idyllic dairy farm is disrupted first when a snooty cow comes to live there and secondly when the bank threatens foreclosure on the property. A group of animals vows to save the farm. Cast: Randy Quaid, Judi Dench, Roseanne Barr, Jennifer Tilly, Cuba Gooding. Honey (PG-13) — Like having the fluids drained out of your system and replaced by a sugarloaded, mixed-drink concoction of a color not found in nature. Honey Daniels (Jessica Alba) bartends, dances and teaches hip-hop dance at a youth center. Discovered, she makes a fast splash as a music-video dancer and choreographer. There are jolts of energy from occasional moments of hip-hop frenzy, but the

0— Not worthy

continued on page 38

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APRIL

April 2 - Spring Concert Series

Augusta Common: 8:00 - 10:00 PM The series will feature the Tony Howard Band, Sounds Unlimited and more! There will be food, arts and crafts, golf games provided by Hullabaloo Moonwalks and the First Friday car show at the Common. Come out and vote for your favorites: t-models, classic cars, hot rods, muscle cars and motorcycles. You may enter your own vehicle. Registration is $5.00 with prizes awarded to the Top 20 and Best of Show.

April 8 - Spring Concert Series

Augusta Common: 8:00 - 10:00 PM This monthly event is the highlight of the Spring, featuring both national and local talent. Come out and enjoy a musical evening under the stars.

April 11 - Easter Sunrise Service

Jessye Norman Ampitheater: 6:00 AM Join us for an ecumenical service that has become an Augusta tradition.

Augusta Common: Noon - 1:30 PM

Join us each Wednesday now through June 30 for lunch and musical entertainment in the Common. We feature lunch from a local restaurant and entertainment from around the region.

CALL

821-1754 FOR INFORMATION

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

April 14, 21, 28 - Downtown Lunch Date

lasts 200 minutes, and some of those are long minutes. The last 20 can feel like an hour, for clearly creator Peter Jackson didn't wish to let his saga go. Bernard Hill, Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom are impressive fighters, and Cate Blanchett makes a gorgeous Galadriel. This is posing, not acting. Sir Ian McKellen acts very well as noble Gandalf, but lines about heart, courage and fate make him Lord Fortune Cookie. "Lord" is all epic, all the time. Jackson loves battles, which means hurling dense masses of mostly computerized fighters at one another. If the climax battle this time is more overpowering than the Helm's Deep boggler in "Two Towers," does it truly deepen the story? Maybe it is just more spectacle, as climaxes are stacked high and then the epic winds down with Elijah Woods as Frodo (now mildly matured) exiting sweetly, his destiny done. Cast: Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood, Cate Blanchett, Viggo Mortensen, Ian Holm, Orlando Bloom, Sean Astin. Running time: 3 hrs., 20 mins. !! Miracle (PG) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Kurt Russell has a topper role as a real hero, Coach Herb Brooks. Russell doesn't just play him as a hero, as an iron profile next to a waving flag. Brooks coached the U.S. hockey team at the 1980 Winter Olympics, achieving a tremendous upset over a Soviet team of older players that had ruled and terrified Olympic hockey since 1960. Russell plays Brooks as a driven man not easily distracted. Being

last 12 hours, long on fear and gore and agony, devils (even Satan), sadistic and/or guilty Romans, hatefully smug Jewish priests and, above all, the tormented face of Jim Caviezel as Jesus. Gibson uses heavy, hackneyed devices and naive tactics; he thinks a few brief flashbacks to benign gospel episodes can offset and illuminate the relentless flood of anguish and bloodshed, and he comes close to making this a rite of faith-based sadism. It is up to believers to decide if Gibson's Jesus is their own, but since no actor can truly act the Son of God spiritually, Caviezel becomes a sacrificial offering. 2 hrs., 7 mins. (Elliott) !! The Prince and Me (PG) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Paige, a pre-med student, meets fellow student Eddie and falls in love. The problem? Eddie is really Edward, Crown Prince of Denmark, who has escaped to Wisonsin for a breather from his royal duties. When Paige finds out, she must choose to become a princess or the doctor sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always aspired to be. Cast: Julia Stiles, Ben Miller, James Fox, Miranda Richardson, Joanne Baron, Luke Mably.

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (PG) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Scooby and the gang

are back for another adventure. This time, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on the trail of an anonymous masked villain whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wreaking havoc on Coolsville with a machine that spits out monsters. All signs point to Old Man Wickles... Cast: Freddie Prinze Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar, Linda Cardellini, Peter Boyle, Alicia Silverstone, Seth Green, Matthew Lillard. Secret Window (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Writer Mort Rainey (Johnny Depp), traumatized by divorce from Amy (Maria Bello), who's taken up with her plot device of a lover (Timothy Hutton), is ready to become jellied putty for a grim rustic who trails Southern Gothic literary vines. John Shooter (John Turturro) shows up claiming that Rainey plagiarized a story of his, ruined the ending and deserves cruel payment. How, really, do you go wrong with actors like Turturro, Depp, Bello, Hutton and (as a private eye) Charles S. Dutton? By using them as spits for King's brand of corn, roasted and then shoved down the gullets of the gullible. Cast: Johnny Depp, Maria Bello, John Turturro, Len Cariou, Timothy Hutton, Charles S. Dutton. (Elliott) !!

Somethingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Gotta Give (PG13) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Jack Nicholson plays with his cruising wolf

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Welcome Masters Guests! Lunch Mon-Fri 11:30-2:30 Dinner Mon-Sat 6pm-Until

Starsky & Hutch (PG-13) â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

Viewing "Starsky & Hutch" is embarrassing, like watching Hollywood eat a cadaver in order to stay alive. It uses Ben Stiller as cop Dave Starsky and Owen Wilson as cop Ken Hutchinson, a nervous straight-arrow and a blithe screwaround shoved together by barking Capt. Doby (Fred Williamson). At first hating each other, they bond as dude partners. There are drugs and cash and cars and "hostesses," all filmed in the bleached yet florid visual cliches of bad '70s TV and films. The soundtrack digs retro vibes right into the grave. S&H underline and undermine every plot turn with a vaguely nostalgic, inanely satirical emphasis. Movies don't have to be like this. Hollywood, please listen: There is no reason on the planet for movies this bad. Cast: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Juliette Lewis, Snoop Dogg, Fred Williamson, Chris Penn. Running time: 1 hr., 36 mins. 0 Taking Lives (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; As Illeana, FBI detective and specialist in serial killers, Angelina Jolie is eager to help with a nasty case in Montreal. The Canadian cops are nearly helpless. It's up to the bold American nutchaser to corner the killer, a chopper and smasher so serial he murders men in advancing periods of age and steals their identities for a while. The story stupifies itself with a brutal fight, then a car chase and explosion; Ethan Hawke being sewn up with stitches, shown in close-up; hot sex (lots of Jolie). Director D.J. Caruso, whose "The Salton Sea" was a sometimes fascinating mess, is a clunk-along with plot thrills. Cast: Angelina Jolie, Ethan Hawke, Kiefer Sutherland, Olivier Martinez, Tcheky Karyo, Gena Rowlands. Running time: 1 hr., 40 mins. (Elliott) !

label Video Bin: Recycle Fast. Cast: Ashley Judd, Samuel L. Jackson, Andy Garcia, David Strathairn, Russell Wong. Running time: 1 hr., 37 mins. (Elliott) !! Walking Tall (PG-13) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Chris Vaughn, a retired soldier, returns to his hometown only to find that his high school rival has shut down the townâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s economic center, a once-prosperous lumber mill. The town is now overrun with crime and drugs, and Vaughn runs for sheriff with a vow to restore his hometown to its former glory â&#x20AC;&#x201D; despite the threat it poses to himself and his family. Cast: The Rock, Johnny Knoxville, Neal McDonough, Kristen Wilson, Ashley Scott.

Welcome to Mooseport (PG13) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Browse at the hardware store run by nice,

nervous Handy Harrison (Ray Romano), who also does plumbing. And over at the best house in town toss a happy howdy at retired President Monroe Eagle Cole (Gene Hackman), a Mount Rushmore unto himself, still glowing as "the most popular president in our history." Sorta bored and restless, Eagle lets himself get roped into running for mayor. So does Handy. This distracts the easily addled Handy from his never having asked adorable Sally (Maura Tierney) to marry him, and Eagle gets to exercise his celebrity while trying to evade his rapacious ex-wife (Christine Baranski). At its best, the film is cute; when it isn't, it seems like a blank screen. Cast: Gene Hackman, Ray Romano, Marcia Gay Harden, Christine Baranski, Maura Tierney, Rip Torn, Fred Savage. Running time: 1 hr., 40 mins. (Elliott) !! You Got Served (PG-13) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Elgin and David are best friends who are serious about their hobby: urban street dancing. When another townâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top group challenges them to a dancing competition, the boys must create new, cutting-edge moves to stay in the game. Cast: Marques Houston, Omari Grandberry, Jennifer Freeman, Jarrell Houston, Dreux Frederic.

â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Capsules compiled from movie reviews written by David Elliott, film critic for The San Diego Union-Tribune and other staff writers.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a remake of the original film and based loosely on true events that inspired that film and â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Silence of the Lambs.â&#x20AC;? A group of friends becomes isolated in the midst of a clan of cannibals. Cast: Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Eric Balfour, Erica Leerhsen.

Twisted (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Ashley Judd plays

Fox Searchlight Pictures

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (PG-13) â&#x20AC;&#x201D;

The Passion of the Christ (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Mel Gibson's risky, passionate treatment of Christ's

image and his age (66), sporting with them as compulsive single Harry Langer. Harry's latest find for a fling is svelte Marin (Amanda Peet), an auctioneer who treats him like a lusty antique. They go to her divorced parents' beach house. But when he meets mother Erica (Keaton), a playwright, the awkward moments quiver. Harry has a sudden heart crisis. He ends up stuck for a night with Erica. What happens is silly, knowing, witty, touching and abetted deftly by a terrific score. When someone says of Erica's new play, "It's sweet, it's smart, it's funny," that serves as a review of the movie. Critics should be pleased to echo it. Cast: Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Keanu Reeves, Frances McDormand, Amanda Peet. Running time: 1 hr., 47 mins. (Elliott) !!!!

tough San Francisco cop Jessica Shepard, recently promoted to homicide detective. Jessica picks up men in bars, then has fast, rough sex that has an aura of foreplay for murder. Sure enough, a series of her studs turn up dead. And Jessica, who is prone to drinking red wine in quantity, yanking her trigger temper and then "hearing voices," becomes a key suspect in her first murder case. Just as the male victims seem to have "disposable" stenciled on their foreheads to go with the cigarette burns on their hands, so does the film appear to carry the

e N â&#x20AC;&#x153;

editing is so rapid-fire that what appears on the screen looks more like a video game than dance. Will Honey remember her old pals in the 'hood? Why, yes. First "Radio," now this; uplift has never seemed so enervating. Running time: 1 hr., 28 mins. (Salm) !1/2 Jersey Girl (PG-13) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; He is PR wizard Ollie Trinke (Ben Affleck), she is darlin' Gertie (Raquel Castro). Jennifer Lopez appears as the mom, who dies giving birth before Lopez can birth much performance. Ollie has already blown his big talent agency job in the Big Apple, settling sourly for a prune pit of a town in New Jersey. He moves into the Jersey home of slobby dad Bart (George Carlin). Liv Tyler is Maya, a grad student and video store clerk. She's real, funny, charming and imperatively sexy. Tyler and Affleck are cute as puppies, but is that enough? Director Kevin Smith, reaching into his most tender feelings, comes up with hairballs of hokum. Cast: Ben Affleck, George Carlin, Liv Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, Raquel Castro, Jason Biggs, Matt Damon, Mike Starr. Running time: 1 hr., 43 mins. !! The Ladykillers (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Tom Hanks is Goldthwait Higginson Dorr, Ph.D., a giggling Dixie pedant. The home of Bible-loving widow Marva Munson (Irma P. Hall) is conveniently close to the money stash of a riverboat casino. Her root cellar houses not only the Dorr gang's spurious sessions as "Renaissance" musicians, but their tunneling scheme. The Coen brothers, directors and writers, pile on enough gospel music (real steeple splitters) to rival the white-roots soundtrack of "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" Since the Coens are almost entirely about something beyond taste, you might as well take the party as it comes, and be amused. Cast: Tom Hanks, Irma P. Hall, Marlon Wayans, J.K. Simmons, Ryan Hurst, Tzi Ma. Running time: 1 hr., 43 mins. (Elliott) !!! The Last Samurai (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Tom Cruise stars as Nathan Algren, a heroic Civil War veteran and then embittered cavalry man, reduced to heavy drinking and shilling for a gun company. Algren goes to Japan, paid to train the new imperial army in modern ways and weapons. But he finds himself drawn to the insurgent cause and almost idyllic life in the hills of samurai leader Katsumoto (Watanabe), who fights for the old ways and hopes to win over the adolescent emperor from greedy modernists. Having come to teach, Algren stays to learn. He is captured after impressing Katsumoto with his fighting spirit; the "barbarian" has a tiger within. "The Last Samurai" bides its time, has a predictable plot, but gives pleasure of a sustained kind. Cast: Tom Cruise, Ken Watanabe, Tony Goldwyn, Timothy Spall, Koyuki. Running time: 2 hrs., 24 mins. (Elliott) !!!

ordained, the movie is clichĂŠd. It has to go through the frets and sweats and bonding and drills, then hit high at the Olympics, so it does. But what a game it was. Not to be moved is to show adrenaline deficiency. Brooks' "miracle" team thrilled a sullen America and impressed the world. Cast: Kurt Russell, Patricia Clarkson, Noah Emmerich, Eddie Cahill, Michael Mantenuto. Running time: 1 hr., 40 mins. (Elliott) !!! The Missing (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Cate Blanchett is again superb, as a flinty frontier mom who rides hard across 1870s New Mexico, chasing a mostly Apache band that took her daughter, slowly making up with her long absent and "gone Injun" father (Tommy Lee Jones). Ron Howard directed with a true eye for detail and landscape, Eric Schweig is an alarmingly vicious sorcerer, the brutality is frequent and not for tender viewers. Running time: 2 hrs., 10 mins. (Elliott) !!! Never Die Alone (R) â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Makes each viewer die alone, but shared laughter with other customers may forge a death-pact bond. David (DMX) is laid out in his bier, in pious mimicry of photos of the dead Tupac Shakur. He is also King David, regal drug dealer back in Los Angeles to reclaim his throne. But there waiting is Moon (Clifton Powell), a crime Caesar who has clearly seen way too many '70s "blaxploitation" movies. King David sports fine threads but frets about his soul, and quotes from the Bible. It is in David's Bible that white writer Paul (David Arquette) finds the soulful truths of the royal life after he is "offed." You'd never guess that director Ernest Dickerson did exciting photography for Spike Lee, so grainy, light-drunk and blasted by clichĂŠ is most of the imagery. This is not "street" but gutter, and every actor is hosed away. Cast: DMX, David Arquette, Michael Ealy, Clifton Powell. Running time: 1 hr., 35 mins. Rated R. 0

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continued from page 36

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“Ladykillers” Remake an Amusing Retelling By David Elliott

roving again that you cannot improve on perfection, so best not to try, “The Ladykillers” finds a new tangent. It bends away from the 1955 Alec Guinness film, a dark and cherished nook of English comedy, into bright-green Mississippi malarkey. Guinness was Prof. Marcus, looking like William F. Buckley Jr. as a drained Dracula, trailing a long scarf as he led hapless crooks into a heist fouled by their unwitting hostess, a sweet old Victorian. Tom Hanks is now Goldthwait Higginson Dorr, Ph.D. (his landlady hears that as “Fudd”), a giggling Dixie pedant; caped but not scarfed, he has a hint of Guinness’ buck teeth and a florid mouth worthy of Buckley. William Rose’s story remains the sure spine, but the flesh is utterly Coen, the brothers Joel and Ethan sharing writing and directing credits. In another of their American vistas caught in comic amber, the home of Bible-loving widow Marva Munson (Irma P. Hall) is conveniently close to the money stash of a riverboat casino. Her root cellar houses not only the Dorr gang’s spurious sessions as “Renaissance” musicians but their tunneling scheme. The heisters in 1955 were a tipsy tea party of Britishers, including young Peter Sellers as a clunky “Teddy boy,” Cecil Parker as “the major,” sinister Herbert Lom and big, lovably obtuse Danny Green. Each was a silly marvel. Hanks rules now, having a merry time in coiffed hair and layered ensemble, his laugh a giddy tic. But the other crooks seem cut from comic books: a football oaf called Lump (Ryan Hurst), a terse Vietnamese general (Tzi Ma), a

macho ordnance freak (J.K. Simmons) and a homeboy jivester (Marlon Wayans, using words that would have destroyed the 1955 film). Katie Johnson had her one great role as the lady in Alexander Mackendrick’s movie, cluelessly unbeatable (she was like a doily over a crowbar). Hall gives Hanks competition as hugely upholstered Mrs. Munson (how the Coens love watching her haul the weight around), a bossy “church lady” who knows there is something off about her guests, but trusts that the sweet light of Jesus shall shine forth upon ‘em. In that spirit, the Coens pile on enough gospel music (real steeple splitters) to rival the white-roots soundtrack of “O Brother, Where Art Thou?,” also assembled by T-Bone Burnett. The music fits Mrs. Munson more than the central story, and the tunneling scheme is a tired device, but you can enjoy the Coen-ucopia of doodles: the torpidly quaint town; cobwebs on keys; gags about a cat; the compulsiveness of morons; lines like “I just blueberry syruped my safari jacket!” If something has been commercially gained, something creatively has been lost, moving from Ealing Studio British to Li’l Abner American. Victims’ bodies in the Guinness film are dropped into dark, gaping coal cars, landing with an exquisitely macabre thud and echo. Here, they drop from a lofty bridge, arriving soundlessly on huge garbage barges. Both are funny, and if some prefer dry subtlety over robust styling, that is a matter of taste. Since the Coens are almost entirely about something beyond taste (in the Dorr, Marcus or Munson sense), you might as well take the party as it comes, and be amused.

methods

can be labeled Marseille Soap. The

mixture of olive and vegetable oils,

akaline ash from sea plants and heated for ten days in

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METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Beautiful Downtown Aiken

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“The Prince & Me” Is a Silly Cinderella Fable By Rachel Deahl

Divorce Recovery Workshop

Sundays 4pm - 6pm April 18 through May 30 (Sundays) Walton Building, Room 201 No pre-registration required

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Free childcare provided for children up to age 5 (reservation required)

First Baptist Church 3500 Walton Way Augusta, GA 30909 733-2236 www.fbcaugusta.org

ecently there’s been quite a bit in the news media about the trend among young mothers — those who were supposed to be reaping the benefits of the sexual revolution — choosing to stay home and raise their kids. Anyone who saw the March 22nd issue of “Time” couldn’t miss their cover story, with the powerful image of a little boy staring up at his mother, “The Case for Staying Home.” And in October The New York Times published Lisa Belkin’s controversial piece, “The Opt-Out Revolution,” which reported about a group of upwardly mobile women, most of them former Ivy Leaguers with graduate degrees, who were checking out of their careers to be full-time moms. Overtly, this dicey topic may not seem to have much to do with the most recent Cinderella fable from Hollywood, “The Prince & Me,” except that this fairy tale is ultimately about the same thing: An ambitious young co-ed on the track to medical school, who drops out to take Prince Charming instead. As the no-nonsense, pre-med undergrad, Paige Morgan, Julia Stiles is so focused on her studies that her girlfriends can barely convince her to come for a beer before the semester’s even begun. While Paige has her nose in the books and is avoiding fun at all costs — her goal is to get into Johns Hopkins Medical School and join Doctors Without Borders — at the University of Wisconsin, Edward the Crown Prince of Denmark (Luke Mably), is having nothing but fun. The philandering, spoiled, handsome heir to the throne spends his time racing cars and romancing multiple women. So, when Edward decides he needs a break from his royal life, he opts to visit the American heartland (on the assumption that he can hang out with the women he’s seen in “College Girls Gone Wild” videos) and signs up

for a semester at Paige’s school. Going by Eddie, the prince quickly tries to settle into life at Wisconsin. Of course Paige immediately sees him for what he is, well sort of. Thinking Eddie is another spoiled rich kid, Paige dismisses his advances. And Eddie, who’s never been turned down before, is immediately smitten. After the two bond over a deli slicer — Eddie signs on to work at the college restaurant alongside Paige — love begins to sprout. For the most part, “The Prince & Me” is pretty innocuous. The notion of a European prince, in the tradition of William, hiding out at a Big Ten school is so ridiculous it’s almost appealing. Unfortunately, when the film moves from Wisconsin to Denmark, the silliness of the situation reveals itself. When Paige decides to drop everything and fly to Denmark to be with Eddie, the movie launches into an unfortunate sequence in which the young American lives her fairy tale only to realize life as the queen can ultimately be stifling and lonely. Her final choice, which ridiculously posits she can have Eddie and her medical career, is perhaps the silliest addition of all as Paige maintains some displaced form of individuality while giving it up in the same breath. In one of its sweeter scenes, in the college laundry room, Paige tells Eddie how little use she has for Shakespeare. She tosses off a nasty remark about “Hamlet,” saying no one could be interested in the struggles of a spoiled prince. The irony is cute, but thin. In the end, Edward owes more to Richard Gere’s character in “Pretty Woman” (also named Edward) than to Shakespeare’s distraught hero. And Paige, like Julia Robert’s hooker, is just another girl who needs saving; this time around the ugly alternative is a loveless life in Doctors Without Borders as opposed to prostitution.

reel time

SUMMER DAY CAMPS June 7 - August 6

REGAL AUGUSTA EXCHANGE 20

Movies Good 4/2 – 4/8 Hellboy (PG-13) Fri-Sat: 12:40, 1:30, 3:40, 4:30, 6:55, 7:35, 9:40, 10:20, 12:25; Sun-Thur: 12:40, 1:30, 3:40, 4:30, 6:55, 7:35, 9:40, 10:20 Home on the Range (PG) Fri-Sat: 12:00, 1:00, 2:00, 3:05, 4:00, 5:15, 7:00, 7:30, 9:15, 11:15; Sun-Thur: 12:00, 1:00, 2:00, 3:05, 4:00, 5:15, 7:00, 7:30, 9:15 Jersey Girl (PG-13) Fri-Sat: 1:45, 4:25, 7:10, 9:45, 12:15; Sun-Thur: 1:45, 4:25, 7:10, 9:45 Ladykillers (R) 12:15, 2:45, 5:10, 7:40, 10:15 Never Die Alone (R) Fri-Sat: 12:10, 2:20, 4:35, 5:05, 7:55, 9:35, 10:10, 11:50, 12:20; Sun-Thur: 12:10, 2:20, 4:35, 5:05, 7:55, 9:35, 10:10 Scooby Doo 2 (PG) Fri-Sat: 12:20, 1:20, 2:30, 3:40, 4:45, 6:45, 7:15, 9:00, 9:30, 11:20, 11:45; Sun-Thur: 12:20, 1:20, 2:30, 3:40, 4:45, 6:45, 7:15, 9:00, 9:30 Walking Tall (PG-13) Fri-Sat: 12:30, 2:30, 3:15, 4:40, 5:25, 6:50, 7:45, 9:10, 9:55, 11:20, 12:05; Sun-Thur: 12:30, 2:30, 3:15, 4:40, 5:25, 6:50, 7:45, 9:10, 9:55 The Prince and Me (PG) Fri-Sat: 1:20, 4:10, 6:45, 9:20, 11:55; Sun-Thur: 1:20, 4:10, 6:45, 9:20 Dawn of the Dead (R) 12:25, 2:50, 5:25, 8:00, 10:25 Taking Lives (R) 12:25, 2:55, 5:20, 7:50, 10:30 Secret Window (PG-13) 12:35, 3:00, 5:40, 8:05, 10:30 Agent Cody Banks: Destination London (PG) 12:05 Starsky & Hutch (PG-13) Fri-Sat: 11:55,

MASTERS 7 CINEMAS

Movies Good 4/2 – 4/8

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (PG-13) Fri: 4:30, 8:30; Sat-Thur:

12:30, 4:30, 8:30

Miracle (PG) Fri: 4:00, 6:55, 9:35; Sat-

Thur: 12:45, 4:00, 6:55, 9:35 You Got Served (PG-13) Fri: 5:00, 7:30, 9:45; Sat-Thur: 1:00, 3:00, 5:00, 7:30, 9:45 Welcome to Mooseport (PG-13) Fri: 4:15, 7:10, 9:25; Sat-Thur: 1:30, 4:15, 7:10, 9:25 Butterfly Effect (R) Fri: 4:10, 7:20, 9:40; Sat-Thur: 1:45, 4:10, 7:20, 9:40 Something’s Gotta Give (PG-13) Fri: 3:55, 6:45, 9:20; Sat-Thur: 12:55, 3:55, 6:45, 9:20 Cheaper by the Dozen (PG) Fri: 4:30, 7:05, 9:15; Sat-Thur: 2:00, 4:30, 7:05, 9:15 REGAL 12 CINEMAS

Summer Camp Registration Information Registration will be taken on a first-come, first-paid basis at the location of your choice until all sessions are full. Registration will begin April 1st at all facilities.

Movies Good 4/2 – 4/8

Broken Lizard’s Club Dread (R) 2:10,

4:25, 7:35, 9:30

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (PG-13) 1:45, 5:35, 9:25 Miracle (PG) 1:55, 4:40, 7:30 Welcome to Mooseport (PG-13) 2:05,

For Additional Information Call 796-5025

4:55, 7:20, 9:35

You Got Served (PG-13) 2:15, 4:30,

7:10, 9:20

Butterfly Effect (R) 2:00, 4:35, 7:10, Torque (PG-13) 2:30, 4:20, 7:15, 9:10 Brother Bear (G) 2:00, 4:15 Cheaper by the Dozen (PG) 2:10, 4:20,

7:05, 9:15

Haunted Mansion (PG) 2:25, 4:30, 7:00,

9:00

Honey (PG-13) 2:20, 4:50, 7:00, 9:05 The Last Samurai (R) 1:50, 4:45, 7:40 Texas Chainsaw Massacre (R) 7:25,

9:35

Showtimes for Evans 14 Cinemas were not

Movie listings are subject to change without notice.

M O V I E L I S T I N G S A R E S U B J E C T C H A N G E W I T H O U T N O T I C E .

T O

140 Laurens St. S.W. In Aiken (803) 502-0707

Open for Lunch, Dinner & Live Entertainment, Nightly

Buy your Masters Week Music Badge for only $10.00 by April 5th and save at least $15.00 on cover!

Only 50 are to be sold, so act quickly!

Live entertainment is 21 and up only!!!

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April 5 - Tater April 6 - Steel String Theory April 7 - King Hippo April 8 - Black-Eyed Susan April 9 - Salt Creek April 10 - Redbelly

Summer Swimming Lessons - Fleming Pool, Brigham Swim Center, Augusta Aquatics Center

9:25

2:40, 5:00, 7:25, 9:50, 12:15; Sun-Thur: 11:55, 2:40, 5:00, 7:25, 9:50 Hidalgo (PG-13) 1:05, 4:05, 7:05, 10:05 The Passion of the Christ (R) 12:00, 12:45, 3:30, 4:00, 6:40, 7:00, 9:40 10:10 Twisted (R) Fri-Sat: 9:30, 11:50; SunThur: 9:30 50 First Dates (PG-13) 2:35, 7:20 EVANS 14 CINEMAS

available at press time. Please check www.metrospirit.com for showtimes as they become available.

(No Day Camp July 5 - July 9) Kids get ready to blast off into summer. This full recreation program offers activities to include games, sports, arts and crafts, field trips and, of course, swimming at the department’s swimming pools. Summer Day Camp is a playful atmosphere where kids will make friends, build self-esteem, and learn lots of fun activities. Age Location Phone Time Cost 5-12 Henry H. Brigham 771-2654 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Bernie Ward 790-0588 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Blythe 592-4988 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Eastview Park 722-2302 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Garrett 821-1776 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Hephzibah/Carroll 592-2216 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Jamestown 790-1805 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 May Park 724-0504 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 McBean 560-1814 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 McDuffie Woods 771-2656 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Savannah Place 821-2827 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 Warren Road 860-0969 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks 5-12 W.T. Johnson 821-2866 9 am-3 pm $42/2 weeks

MUSIC Cubists: Their Roots Are Showing

By Andy Stokes

But since the dissolution of Kilter, the two began to seek a comfortable medium between that band’s absolute lack of structure and the rigid formats of the earliest parts of their musical careers. “The thing that I like about rock ‘n’ roll is that there’s a real energy,” said Brown, “and that energy comes from playing in that moment. You’re not up there trying to play something you did last night. You’re trying to channel your aggression into a piece of wood and a speaker box. It’s real tactile and visceral stuff.” For The Cubists, the raw expressional qualities of early blues and country perfectly embodied this channeling process. “The blues is the most simple, basic expression of a human emotion through an instrument,” said Brown. “At the same time that I’m drawn to the free-form stuff, I also like the dirtsimple folk songs at the other end,” said Barfield. “I’m a farm boy; I’ve handled livestock. While there are aspects of country music I don’t like, I do love the sound of it. The artists are quite sensi-

tive people. What they’re creating is amazing. You can’t get that sound out of any other culture in the world.” So while both were drawn to a country-blues sound of a past era, that categorization of their sound will likely fail, as their songwriting process is bound to no specific stratum. “I had no preconceived notion of what we would sound like going into this,” said Brown. “It could be anything. If I write a circus song, then tomorrow we’ll play a circus song. If Marcus writes a waltz, we’ll play a waltz.” As for the addition of a bass player, the band is so far undecided. “We definitely don’t miss the bass,” said Barfield. “It’s not that we’re trying to create something that starts with bass and drums.” “A simplistic approach lets you realize how unnecessary some instruments are,” agrees Brown. “The fact is you won’t get any better or worse than you ever were, despite what you add or take away.”

While the reason for the lack of a bassist is purely coincidental, somewhere along the way it will likely garner comparisons to the popular trend of bassless blues-themed rock for the masses, made a commodity recently with The White Stripes. “(The blues duo trend) is just another trend in music, obviously. People want to simplify,” said Barfield. “They want to try what worked 100 years ago.” “The White Stripes, that whole trend is an encouraging one,” said Brown. “I don’t think they’re pandering to anyone. They could add the best musicians in the world to their band, but they don’t. Instead, they’re just clunking away up there.” Despite whatever criticism may come, The Cubists remain faithful to the transcendental nature of the music’s energy. “Good rock is explosive, it’s in the moment,” said Barfield. “It dies as soon as you make it. You’re going to do it again, but you’d better do it better, ‘cause they have already seen it.”

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

itting in his makeshift band/living room late on a Tuesday night, Noel Brown seems comfortable talking with fellow guitarist Marcus Barfield about anything musical. The two touch passionately and knowledgeably on nearly every major subject within the realm of popular music from the last hundred years, swaying from specific points like the understated genius of the Beatles’ “Fool on the Hill” to broad strokes like the regenerative, cyclic nature of musical trends. Thesis papers could be written in this room tonight. From another room, classical music on NPR, maybe Liszt, faintly fills the brief pauses in dialogue. Barfield and Brown comprise twothirds of The Cubists, a band formed in an effort to return to music’s true roots while allowing room for spontaneous creativity. Their sound instantly conjures images of blues-rock greats Eric Clapton (his “From the Cradle” era) or Lightnin’ Hopkins, blues upstarts The Soledad Brothers or Black Keys, and especially original bluesmen like Son House or Big Bill Broonzy. “I started writing these songs and thinking about improvisation, and trying to incorporate that into a cohesive structure that can be reproduced, but at the same time has spontaneous qualities,” said Brown. “(Marcus) is into the freeform stuff, and I like these tight song structures. We kind of met halfway.” Before teaming up with drummer Chris Carrick to form The Cubists, Brown and Barfield played together in Kilter, a lessstructured, less-direction-focused collective. Kilter rarely played a set that had a preset path or even a song list, but instead general ideas of the mood that they wished to convey. “We did (Kilter) for a couple of years, really,” said Brown. “We recorded the stuff we were playing with the intention of going back and adding to the material, but that never quite happened.” Long before the formation of Kilter, however, both Brown and Barfield honed their chops in numerous bands, including Gearbox, which Brown was frontman of, and Nervous Boy, for which Barfield provided guitar work.

The Cubists perform April 1 at The Soul Bar with Deathstar. They also have upcoming gigs at The Hangnail Gallery, Mellow Mushroom and The Bee’s Knees.

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4/8 4/8 Thursday Thursday -- New New Direction Direction

music minis Alice Cooper on the Course In our search for the golf-music connection, we have found few threads. But the one we did find involves retired shockrocker Alice Cooper. Of course, we already knew that the former scariest guy in rock liked to whack balls around the course, but we didn’t realize he was offering himself up to radio contest winners. Check out http://www.speeddemons.com/alice.html. Creepy, Dude Howie Day, who is signed with Epic Records, upon having his mojo rejected by a woman on his tour bus, allegedly decided to get even by locking her in a bathroom and busted up the other’s cell phone when the friend tried to call for help. He was arrested for misdemeanor damage to property and disorderly conduct. He has, however, been released on bail and is now roaming the streets. Only Dean Remains Remember “Dead Man’s Curve”? Well the accident that illustrated the song has finally caught up with Jan Berry, of ‘60s surfer duo Jan & Dean. His wife said that, while at

home, he seized due to unknown causes and was later pronounced dead. In addition to “Dead Man’s Curve,” the duo climbed the charts with “Drag City” and “The Little Old Lady From Pasadena.” Unholy Alliance We don’t normally choose music minis about albums and concerts and things – you know, actual music. We prefer lawsuits and smackdowns. But we came across a project that’s just too weird to pass up. Loretta Lynn is putting together an album, and Jack White of the White Stripes, the same Jack White who recently vandalized the face of one of the Von Bondies, produced, arranged and performs on the album. White is apparently a longtime fan of the country legend. Home Boy Makes It to the Movies … Sort Of The video for local boy Josh Kelley’s recent single “Everybody Loves You” has been making the rounds at VH1 and the song has even been picked up as the flagship single for the new Julia Stiles movie “The Prince and Me.” Next stop, “Divas Live.”

COMPILED BY RHONDA JONES AND ANDY STOKES

Information compiled from online and other music news sources.

OPEN AT 2:30 EVERYDAY DURING MASTERS!

THURSDAY, APRIL 1:

RED-HEADED STEPCHILD

Friday and Saturday PLAYBACK with

TUTU D’VINE

8TH, 9TH, & 10TH Soul

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Dimension

Surrey Tavern 471 Highland Ave. | 736-1221

music by turner

t’s Masters! If you are from out of town, to Payne, said hello and congratulated him on welcome to the greatest golf tournament being the reigning U.S. Open champ. He was in the world. Whether it’s the Augusta just like a regular guy and treated both of us National, the knowledgeable fans or the as if we were old friends. We even started a indescribable beauty of azaleas and dogputting contest with him on this new machine woods in full bloom, you are in for the time that had just come out that featured ‘greens’ of your life! that changed on each hole.” As a child raised in Augusta, it was always Shepard and Dyches’ “local knowledge” of interesting to me that some golfers had a certhe machine actually led to a couple of victotain something that endeared them greatly to ries at the nightclub over the two “real” golfers, and the four eventually came over to the fans. ARNOLD PALMER, CHI-CHI the Post Office nightclub up the street on RODRIGUEZ, FRED COUPLES, JACK NICKLAUS and BEN HOGAN always seemed to Washington Road. “This was before Payne’s have the galleries on their side a bit more than ‘WWJD’ days as a born-again Christian, but it’s not like he overdid the partying too much. most of the others. Another local fave was But we did wind up meeting and hanging out DOUG SANDERS, who thrilled Masters fans for years with his outlandish dress that some- with him for the next four days leading up to the start of the Masters on Thursday. He times included attire of mostly just one color. loved old rock ‘n’ roll and blues. I remember one year in particular when the “Fans were coming up to him left and right flamboyant Sanders, decked out in orange but he was great to everyone,” said Shepard, pants, a checkered orange shirt and (gasp!) orange and white shoes came through the par- now an educator in Richmond County. “He was the real thing, the real deal as far as class three 16th hole. A lady sitting behind me, obviously unaware of Sanders’ flair for outra- was concerned. He was signing autographs and talking to geous dress, everyone and wondered aloud, was having a “Who’s this great time. golfer from “In the years Clemson?” following, The late PAYNE Payne would STEWART was call every so another golfer often and we who always had would talk a major followabout all sorts ing in Augusta. of things. He Stewart, an 11was the kind of time winner on guy who was the tour (three of genuinely them majors), LEFT TO RIGHT: JASON SHEPARD, PAYNE interested in endeared himSTEWART, DON DYCHES what you had self to Masters to say. It was overwhelming, to say the fans for his hard, competitive style that was a least,” Shepard said. throwback to players such as JIMMY Maybe Stewart’s late-night behavior got the DEMARET, SAM SNEAD and BOBBY JONES. best of him that year, as he shot 74-75 on the Stewart’s attire was a nod to yesteryear as Thursday and Friday of ‘92, missing the cut well, and his outlandish plus-fours and tam by four shots. He rebounded with a top-10 o’shanters made him one of the most recogfinish in the ‘93 Masters, but had a dry spell nized players in the game. When he debuted for four years before winning another PGA his new look in 1982, there were “snickers event. Stewart finally broke into the win colfor the knickers” but Payne was held in such umn at Houston in 1995 when he overcame a high esteem by everyone that it soon became seven-shot deficit on the final day to defeat his fashion trademark. SCOTT HOCH. His second thrilling U.S. Open I’ll never forget Masters week 1992. On championship in ‘99 was a grueling battle Sunday through Wednesday before the tourwith PHIL MICKELSON that was won when nament proper was to begin, yours truly was Stewart sank a pressure-packed 15-footer on playing in a pick-up rhythm and blues-type the final hole. band at a Washington Road club called the Golf fans everywhere mourned when Post Office. As usual, the mood was festive Stewart’s Learjet 35 crashed in October of and the place was rockin’ as the club was packed with tourists and locals alike. Looking 1999 in South Dakota. In his later years, he had experienced a spiritual rebirth that led to out into the crowd I saw a couple of friends, an entirely different way of life for him and DON DYCHES and JASON SHEPARD, who were surrounded by a group of people — one his family. “I cried crocodile tears when I heard of the crash,” said Shepard. “It was like of whom was Payne Stewart. losing a best friend.” Shepard, then an ASU student and a local Perhaps PGA golfer and former Masters musician with a band called the WOMBATS, champ MARK O’MEARA said it best: “Payne picks the story up from here. “Don and I had Stewart was an extraordinary person with been at Adam’s at the Holiday Inn up the extraordinary flair. He went out on top of his street when we saw Payne with one of his golf buddies. After a few minutes, I went over game and on top of life.”

B Y

E D

T U R N E R

s g tin

h g i S

MAGGIE NGUYEN AND RHIA GEDDINGS AT THE SOUL BAR.

DIANE EDWAR DS AND HECTO R TORRES AT LAST CALL. N IE DODSO ER, COOK T R A ’S C E R O L T ILLIAMS, F RIAL THEA DONNA W QUICK AT THE IMPE ERIES. ON SONG II S AND AAR D N A L U O NS SOUTHER

ER T, LAURA LUTH BRENT JEWET Y, B LS T. O O IN G ERIN PIZZA JO HAM AT THE AND BRENNER CHRISTINE MCNALLY AND STEVEN DICKS AT LIMELITE CAFÉ.

M AND ERIC CLAPHA SOUL BAR.

ND AT THE

JULIE ROWLA

STEVIE SWAN AND WHITNEY DIXON AT THE PIZZA JOINT.

Photos by Michael E. Johnson

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

ANKUR POGULA, LESL IE TOSTEN, DAVID LANIE R AND HOLLY HAIR AT LA ST CALL.

WAYNE AND KIM CAUSEY AT THE IMPERIAL THEATRE’S SOUTHERN SOUL AND SONG II SERIES.

Larry Jon wilson & Friends

Shawn Mullins and John D. Loudermilk

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METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

i m p e r i a l t h e a t r e . c o m

AFTER DARK LL’S DALLIONS FOR LAST CA JOIN THE SWINGIN’ ME PAR 3 PARTY APRIL 7.

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Thursday, 1st

Andy’s – Dave and Dave Show, Open Jam The Bee’s Knees – Meditate on This! Blind Pig – Pat Blanchard and the Band Cafe Du Teau – James McIntyre Club Argos – Karaoke Dance Party Continuum – Playa*Listic Thursday Coyote’s – The Rhes Reeves Band D. Timm’s – The Section Finish Line Cafe – DJ Fox’s Lair – Karaoke Greene Streets – Karaoke Hangnail Gallery – The Grillers, Sine Nomine, Evoka, The Kilpatrick Project Honky Tonk – DJ Dougie Joe’s Underground – Ruskin Locals – Preston and Weston Metro Coffeehouse – The Jazz Collective Michael’s – Marilyn Adcock Modjeska – The Comedy Zone with Hypnotist Zack Thomas Playground – Open Mic The Pourhouse – Karaoke with the Pourhouse Friends Robbie’s Sports Bar – DJ Rusty Shannon’s – Karaoke with Peggy Soul Bar – Deathstar, The Cubists Surrey Tavern – Red-Headed Stepchild Wheeler Tavern – DJ Flashback Buddy

Friday, 2nd

Andy’s – The Damon Fowler Group, Who’s Ya Daddy Back Roads – DJ The Bee’s Knees – Projections and Selections Blind Pig – Shameless Dave and the Miracle Whips Cafe Du Teau – James McIntyre Charlie O’s – Live Band Club Argos – Dance Party, Claire Storm, Jackie Chanel Coconuts – Bikini Contest Coliseum – Charlie Brown Cotton Patch – Tony Williams Band Coyote’s – The Rhes Reeves Band, Shelly Watkins Crossroads – Bloodkin with Special Guests D. Timm’s – The Section El Rodeo – DJ Sontiago Finish Line Cafe – DJ Fox’s Lair – Chuck Cronk Greene Streets – Karaoke The Helm – Preston and Weston Hangnail Gallery – The Independents, Three the Hard Way, Time Will Tell, Sick Sick Sick, Live Music on 8th Street with Imhotep, The Back Porch Jam, Billy S., Adam Tolar, Pyroteque, D.S.S. Honky Tonk – DJ Doug Romanella

Joe’s Underground – Keith “Fossill” Gregory Last Call – DJ Richie Rich Little Honky Tonk – Robbie Ducey Band Locals – Karaoke Marlboro Station – The New Kids on the Block with Jessica Ladayne, Charity, Jada Ricci Michael’s – Marilyn Adcock Modjeska – DJ Kenny Ray Ms. Carolyn’s – The Horizon Playground – Knowface with Special Guest The Pourhouse – The Recaps featuring Sassy Brass R. Gabriel’s – Chelsea Logue, Jeremy Carr Robbie’s Sports Bar – DJ Rusty The Shack – DJ Chip Shannon’s – Bart Bell, Allen Black Soul Bar – Super*Hi-Fi*Stereo*Mix, DJ Zapatista, Live Music on 10th Street with Joe and Louis Stevenson, Shaun Piazza Band, Alfonzo Dog Stillwater Tap Room – Kickin’ Grass Surrey Tavern – Playback with Tutu D’Vyne Wheeler Tavern – DJ Flashback Buddy

Saturday, 3rd

Back Roads – DJ The Bee’s Knees – Jazz Sessions with Moniker

Blind Pig – Shameless Dave and the Miracle Whips Cafe Du Teau – James McIntyre Charlie O’s – Live Band Club Argos – Male Revue Coconuts – DJ Tim Coliseum – Hot Boy Gabriel and Co. Cotton Patch – Keith “Fossill” Gregory Coyote’s – The Rhes Reeves Band, Shelly Watkins D. Timm’s – The Section Finish Line Cafe – DJ, Karaoke Fox’s Lair – Pete B. French Market Grille West – Quiet Storm Greene Streets – Karaoke The Helm – Karaoke Contest Honky Tonk – DJ Doug Romanella Joe’s Underground – Joe Stevenson Last Call – DJ Richie Rich Little Honky Tonk – Robbie Ducey Band Marlboro Station – Miss Peg Metro Coffeehouse – Live Afternoon Bluegrass with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Michael’s – Marilyn Adcock Modjeska – DJ Kenny Ray Partridge Inn – Sandy B. and the All-Stars Playground – The Sixth Hour The Pourhouse – The Recaps featuring Sassy Brass

continued on page 48

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METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

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continued from page 47 R. Gabriel’s – Scott Phommachanh Robbie’s Sports Bar – DJ Rusty The Shack – DJ Buckwheat Shannon’s – Karaoke with Peggy Soul Bar – The Woggles Stillwater Tap Room – Biscuit Burners Surrey Tavern – Playback with Tutu D’Vyne Wheeler Tavern – DJ Flashback Buddy

Sunday, 4th

Adams Lounge – DJ Doug Cafe Du Teau – The Last Bohemian Quartet Hangnail Gallery – Against Me, Planes Mistaken for Stars, No Choice, The Kudzu Wish Marlboro Station – The Miss Marlboro Station Newcomer Pageant Orange Moon – Smooth Jazz Sunday with Emery Bennett Robbie’s Sports Bar – DJ Rusty The Shack – Karaoke with DJ Joe Steel, Sasha Shannon’s – Shelly Watkins Somewhere in Augusta – Jayson and Michael

Monday, 5th

The Rhes Reeves Band and Shelly Watkins

Wednesday $9 All you can drink (includes cover) The Girls of Spring Break Bikini Contest

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

(Girls, You can take home your share of $700 cash!!)

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Adams Nightclub – DJ Doug Aiken Brewing Co. – Tater Coliseum – Q.A.F. Continuum – Monday Madness Fox’s Lair – Open Mic Greene Streets – Karaoke Joe’s Underground – Joe Stevenson Last Call – Locals Party Michael’s – Mike Swift Shannon’s – Bart Bell

Tuesday, 6th

Adams Lounge – Karaoke Aiken Brewing Co. – Steel String Theory The Bee’s Knees – 12 Tone Lounge Coliseum – Tournament Tuesday D. Timm’s – The Section Fox’s Lair – Open Mic Greene Streets – Karaoke Joe’s Underground – Keith “Fossill” Gregory Last Call – Foam Party Metro Coffeehouse – Irish Night with Sibin Michael’s – Marilyn Adcock Shannon’s – Bart Bell Surrey Tavern – Tuesday Jam Session with Pat Blanchard

Wednesday, 7th Adams Lounge – Tony Williams and the Blues Express Aiken Brewing Co. – King Hippo The Bee’s Knees – Heliocentric Cinema Blind Pig – 360 Club Argos – Dance Party, Claire Storm and Co. Coconuts – Karaoke Coliseum – Wacky Wednesdays Continuum – Open Mic Jam Sessions Coyote’s – The Girls of Spring Break Bikini Contest, The Rhes Reeves Band D. Timm’s – The Section Fox’s Lair – Daddy Grace Greene Streets – Karaoke Joe’s Underground – Paul Arrowood Last Call – Swingin’ Medallions Michael’s – Marilyn Adcock Playground – Karaoke Robbie’s Sports Bar – DJ Rusty Shannon’s – Shelly Watkins, Bart Bell Soul Bar – Live Jazz Stillwater Tap Room – Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold

Upcoming

Kimberley Locke, Ben Jelen, Katy Rose, Toby Lightman – Modjeska – April 8 Redbelly Band – Soul Bar – April 8 Stewart & Winfield – Last Call – April 8 ‘80s Costume Party with McFly – Modjeska – April 9 A1A Buffett Tribute Band – Last Call – April 9 Roger “Hurricane” Wilson – Andy’s – April 9 Masters Massacre – Crossroads – April 9-10 Third Day, tobyMac – Augusta-Richmond County Civic Center – April 15 Shinedown – The Boathouse – April 15 The Twittering Machine – Soul Bar – April 24 Scott Holt – Andy’s – April 30 Honestly – Crossroads – May 7 DJ Baby Anne – Modjeska – May 14

Elsewhere

Slipknot, Fear Factory – Tabernacle, Atlanta – April 3 Air – Earthlink Live, Atlanta – April 6 Bela Fleck and the Flecktones – University of Georgia, Athens, Ga. – April 7 Aerosmith, Cheap Trick – Colonial Center, Columbia, S.C. – April 7; Philips Arena, Atlanta – April 9 The Darkness – Cotton Club, Atlanta – April 8 The Distillers – Cotton Club, Atlanta – April 10 The Liars – Echo Lounge, Atlanta – April 14 3 Rivers Music Festival – Congaree Vista, Columbia, S.C. – April 16-18 Josh Groban – Fox Theatre, Atlanta – April 20 Ben Kweller, Death Cab for Cutie – 40 Watt Club, Athens, Ga. – April 20; Variety Playhouse, Atlanta – April 21 Four Tet – MJQ, Atlanta – April 22 Stereolab – Variety Playhouse, Atlanta – April 22 Squarepusher – Echo Lounge, Atlanta – April 24 Jump, Little Children – Variety Playhouse, Atlanta – April 24 Blonde Redhead – Echo Lounge, Atlanta – April 26 Yes – Philips Arena, Atlanta – April 28 Tortoise – Variety Playhouse, Atlanta – April 28 Music Midtown Festival – Midtown Atlanta – April 30-May 2 Edie Brickell – Variety Playhouse, Atlanta – May 4 David Bowie, Stereophonics – Chastain Park Amphitheatre, Atlanta – May 8 Doc Watson – Variety Playhouse, Atlanta – May 21 Siouxsie Sioux – Variety Playhouse, Atlanta – June 1 Vans Warped Tour ’04 – HiFi Buys Amphitheatre, Atlanta – July 28

Many tickets are available through TicketMaster outlets by calling 828-7700, or online at www.ticketmaster.com. Tickets may also be available through Tix Online by calling 278-4TIX, online at www.tixonline.com or at their outlet location in Southgate Plaza. After Dark listings are subject to change without notice. Deadline for inclusion in After Dark calendar is Tuesday at 4 p.m. Contact Rhonda Jones or Lisa Jordan by calling 738-1142, faxing 736-0443 or e-mailing to rhonda.jones@metrospirit.com or lisa.jordan@metrospirit.com.

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METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

Looking for Local Live Music?

n March, “Awards World” magazine sponsored the inaugural “Awards Awards” at London’s Dorchester Hotel, handing out awards to members of the British awards-presentation industry for the year’s best awards shows. Spokesperson Barbara Buchanan explained, “Everybody likes to win an award,” even the people who give out awards (who staged ceremonies for about 1,000 major presentations in Britain last year). Although Buchanan called this year’s program a success, she said it is disqualified from receiving any awards at next year’s Awards Awards. Yogis in the News In February, a consortium of yoga teachers filed a lawsuit in San Francisco against yoga master Bikram Choudhury (creator of the celebrity-trendy “Bikram” style), demanding that he become a little more serene himself, and stop hassling them by claiming a copyright on his positions, some of which, they insist, are centuries old. And Agence France-Presse reported in January that yoga classes for dogs are available in Miami, New York City and Hollywood, producing such success stories as the aging pooch that, having assumed special dog-yoga positions, supposedly regained mobility in her hips. Can’t Possibly Be True • Cheryl L. Cooper was, until October, a counselor for Pyramid Healthcare Inc. in Pittsburgh, working with drug- and alcoholaddicted patients, but following a break-in and armed robbery of her home, she was summarily fired. Pyramid claimed (according to a February Pittsburgh PostGazette story) that since she had become a target of neighborhood tough guys, Pyramid clients and staff who would be with her at any time were thus in danger. (Among the problems Pyramid counselors must work through are traumas to crime victims and rehabilitation of criminals.) • In February, social workers found a feral family of six (only the father spoke a recognizable language; others used hand signs and noises) living in a shed on a farm at Theunissen, in Free State, South Africa. None of the kids (aged 14 to 26) had ever met anyone outside the family and simply ran into the woods any time visitors approached. One boy ambulated only in a frog-like manner. The father said the kids were born normal, and he assumed their poor development was punishment because he could not afford the ceremonial sacraments of the Majola tribe. • An African Grey parrot, N’kisi (trained by New York City artist Aimee Morgana), has apparently been reliably observed with an English vocabulary of 950 words and the ability to manipulate some of them in context, according to a British Broadcasting Corp. magazine report. According to a Cambridge University veterinary professor,

the most promising gains from cognitiveability testing on animals recently have been achieved with parrots. • In January, Sunnyside Elementary School (Stanton Heights, Pa.) suspended Brandi McKenith, 7, for a day for bad language, specifically for pointing out to a classmate that he was going to wind up in “hell” because he had said, “I swear to God.” And in December, Ernest Gallet Elementary School (Lafayette, La.) sent Marcus McLaurin, 7, to a special discipline class for telling a fellow student, accurately, that his own mother is “gay” (which, he said, “is when a girl likes another girl”). Least Competent Criminals The December attempted robbery of a BB&T bank in Chesapeake, Va., was aborted when the robber and the teller arrived at a stalemate. The robber pushed a holdup note across the counter, but the teller read it, said, “I can’t accept this” and passed it back. The robber pushed the note through a second time. The teller wadded the note up and tossed it back at the robber, who picked it up and walked out. Thinning the Herd A 44-year-old man was crushed to death by a slow-moving tractor-trailer when he jumped underneath it to get the reportedly “well-worn” baseball cap that the wind had just blown off his head (Lethbridge, Alberta, November). And a 55-year-old man died of a heart attack, most likely, said the police, during or moments after stabbing his wife numerous times in a domestic altercation (Keene, N.H., December). And a 23-yearold man was hit by a subway car at New York City’s 34th Street station when he leaned over the tracks to see the oncoming train, not realizing that it was coming from the other direction (December; the last press report available said the man was in critical condition). Also, in the Last Month A female Catholic catechism instructor was awarded $950,000 from the Archdiocese of Los Angeles for injuries from being punched by a priest during a discussion of teaching techniques. And the San Jose Mercury News reported that teachers at several California schools have begun offering extra course credit to students who bring in vital classroom supplies no longer affordable under school budgets. And Abbeyfield School (Chippenham, England) banned regulationsize soccer balls during recreation periods, permitting only small, soft balls, but denied the reason was fear of lawsuits. — Chuck Shepherd © United Press Syndicate

Brezsny’s Free Will

Astr ology ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Aries statesman Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence in a mere 18 days. You should make him your role model as you devote the next three weeks to producing a masterpiece that will be regarded by posterity as one of history’s great accomplishments. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a little, Aries. It’s true that you now have enormous creative power, and you could very well lay the groundwork for what will ultimately be a tour de force. But you may not be able to whip it out in three weeks, and it may not have quite the star quality of Jefferson’s classic.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

In the coming week, your dreams will be more interesting and important than anything that happens during the day. Your sleeping mind can solve all your problems if given enough time — and maybe even the problems of those you love, too. Can you afford to stay in bed for 12 hours at a stretch? APRIL FOOL! Twelve hours might be a bit much. But everything else I said was true. You have the potential to be a dreaming genius.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Visualize a scenario in which Israelis and Palestinians are still embroiled in a hateful state of siege for another 100 years. Imagine that the personal problems bugging you now will continue to torment you indefinitely. Live your life as if you believe the world is falling apart and that we human beings are parasites bent on wrecking the paradise we’ve been blessed with. APRIL FOOL! Don’t you dare indulge in any of the hackneyed cynicism I just spouted. While educated idiots might try to convince you that badmouthing the future is honest and intelligent, it’s actually a bad habit based on delusion. Here’s your real assignment, Gemini: Retrain your mind to expect the best. Visualize in graphic detail the transformations you’d love to see. Cultivate delight using all your ingenuity.

ACROSS

1 Film, in Variety

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

This just in: It is possible to buy happiness. In fact, researchers at Yahoo! Personal Finance have determined the precise amount necessary: $4.9 million. With that sum in your bank account, you could acquire the lifestyle that would fulfill your dreams and make you feel really good. Now here’s the crazy part, Leo: The chances are far better than usual that you’ll win the lottery this week, thereby guaranteeing your eternal happiness. APRIL FOOL! While you Leos do have extraordinary financial luck these days, there just aren’t enough lotteries in the world to ensure that every one of you will win one.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Your role model these days should be the vulgar, debauched writer Charles Bukowski. He was poor most of his life as he worked endless odd jobs, but he managed to publish 50 books with titles like “Love Is a Dog from Hell” and “Play the Piano Drunk Like a Percussion Instrument Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit.” Here’s one of his typically inspired passages: “It’s not easy to juggle a full-time job, a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I still managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.” Be like Bukowksi this week, Virgo. APRIL FOOL! I was just messin’ with’

37 Goya’s

“Duchess of ___” Orlando 38 Porter classic 14 Call ___ day 40 Close cousins 15 What un lago holds 42 “Come here often?,” e.g. 16 Card game for two 43 Queue after Q 17 Like some 45 Certain memoirs foundation 19 Bad news from 46 “Evil Woman” a credit card band, for short company 47 Humors 20 Patron saint of 49 Chicago goldsmiths university 21 Have the lead 50 Like some 23 Outdated physical tests 24 Wind-borne 54 Creepy one? deposits 57 Caged 26 Hindu 59 Beak incarnation 60 Playoffs 28 Pressured 30 Musical aptitude 62 Abandon 8 Neighbor of

64 Handsome

youth 65 Architect Saarinen 66 Used 67 1973 Peace Nobelist 68 Lozenge 69 ___ in Thomas

DOWN 1 Computer bit 2 ___-Greek 3 Birchbark 4 Hood’s gun 5 Wrinkles, say 6 Harem keeper 7 Chitchat 8 Checked, as a box 9 Bygone deliverer 10 Estate 11 Hosp. testing techniques 12 Announcements ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE from the cockpit, briefly J A M B S M A S H S G T S U B E R A T S E A T A R A 13 Hard to hold N B A A L L S T A R A L A S 18 Can’t stand K A N S A S O L D F L A M E 22 Plant root I T A L S E R I A 25 “Did You Ever T A B L E S A W N O N F A T ___ Dream A L A I N M O D E M F D R Walking?” (1933 M I R A J A R O D S A D E hit) E B B H U R T S S T I L E 27 Themes D I A D E M H E C T A R E S 29 Off the mark R U M B A D A R N B E A N P O L E N O D I C E 30 Lodge group I M A C J A V A A P P L E T 31 Rose’s love, on Broadway D I N E E M E N D A S S N S T N S T O S C A T A T A 32 Carry on

It’s not enough to do good deeds this week. You should also be intent on getting handsomely repaid for your good deeds. In other words, Scorpio, generosity will be a brilliant strategy if it manipulates others into being generous to you. Give selfishly, or don’t give at all. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that you should bestow blessings everywhere you go, but with absolutely no strings attached. Here are your words to live by, courtesy of the Dalai Lama: “Try with all your might — work very, very hard — to make the world a better place. But if all your efforts are to no avail — no hard feelings!”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Everyone in the world is either a narcissist or a closet narcissist. Ironically, it’s those in the latter group who’re more dangerous. Their self-obsession expresses in covert ways that are hard to track. That’s one reason why you should be unapologetically blatant about expressing your superiority this week, Sagittarius. The second reason is that the astrological omens suggest you have a mandate to be a raging megalomaniac. APRIL FOOL! I went overboard there, although not by a whole lot. Let’s just say that between now and April 18 you have cosmic permission to love yourself even more than usual and break your all-time bragging records.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

My reader-satisfaction level is high. The weekly audience for this horoscope column is about nine million people, but I get an average of only 40 complaints a year. Maybe it’s because you

14 17

22 26

37 40

39 44

41 45

49 55

Expanded Weekly Horoscope

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19 21

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

Quit your job immediately. Move out of your house. Break off your closest relationships. Give away all your clothes to charity and sell your car at less than market value. If you do these things, I guarantee that within six weeks you will get an easy job where everyone loves you and you get paid way too much money to have way too much fun. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing you to see how susceptible you are to being manipulated by experts you trust. The fact is, Pisces, if you turn down the volume of the authority figures who drone on in your head — both those who bent your thoughts in the past and those who shape your destiny in the present — your financial situation and your job satisfaction will markedly improve.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

50 57

58 62

59 63

Puzzle by Alfio Micci (1918-2004)

33 Mandrel

34 Pianist Gilels 35 Splitsville

47 Sheep gatherer 48 Person with

binoculars

37 Dragging on the 49 Chinese weight

shore 39 Bar at the bar 41 Part of N.B. 44 Sent before e-mail

unit

51 Unpaid servant 52 Refuges 53 Yorkshire city

54 Tunisian port

once a stronghold for Barbary pirates

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55 Spiders’ nests 56 Soon 58 Corrida beast 61 Lith., once 63 “Alley ___”

For answers, call 1-900-289-CLUE (289-2583), $1.20 a minute; or, with a credit card, 1-800-814-5550. Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS. Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year). Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

New York Times Crossword Puzzle

4 Pant

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

36 Insult, slangily

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

A swimming coach in Darwin, Australia, decided that his young swimmers lacked ambition. They were consistently mediocre in competition, with no apparent drive for peak performances. Hoping to rouse their primal instinct to swim faster, he proposed to have them practice with a 10-foot crocodile in the pool. I wish you Aquarians would consider being equally daring as you ratchet up your motivation levels in the coming weeks. APRIL FOOL! Scaring yourself is a terrible strategy. But I do think you should take a more aggressive approach to stimulating your drive for excellence.

Does your roommate have some ripe plums in the refrigerator that you’re dying to devour? Go right ahead. In the spot where the plums were, leave this poem by William Carlos Williams: “I have eaten/ the plums/ that were in/ the icebox// and which/ you were probably/ saving/ for breakfast// Forgive me/ they were delicious/ so sweet/ and so cold”. APRIL FOOL! While you do have astrological permission to be grabbier and greedier and more impulsive than usual, you can easily do that without generating any bad karma. Don’t steal the plums.

Add more locks to your doors and more armor to your defense mechanisms. Transform your home into an impregnable fortress of solitude and don’t go out unless you absolutely have to. You must make yourself perfectly safe! APRIL FOOL! It probably makes sense to be more discriminating about whom you share your feelings with, but in general it’s an excellent time to open your heart and turn your home into a festive center of abundance. I suggest you invite every interesting person you trust to come and experience you in your natural habitat.

33 High nests

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Capricorns are so forceful in sticking up for your needs, but a disproportionate number of the beefs I receive are from your tribe. That’s why I’ve decided to never again utter a discouraging word in your presence. Forevermore, your horoscope will contain nothing but praise and good news. APRIL FOOL! I love you, Capricorn! And it wouldn’t be very loving to refrain from kicking your butt on those rare occasions when you need it. Like now, for instance: I demand that you demand higher standards from you and your inner circle.

you, Dog! I don’t really want you to be like Bukowski. But I had you going there for a minute, didn’t I? And that’s good, because every now and then — like right now — it’s damn healthy for you to fantasize that you’re a vulgar, debauched writer.

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The Advice Goddess

Amy Alkon

n your response to the girl who hated her boyfriend’s new hairstyle, you touched on something many women are dying to learn: How to get a man to change. While I’m not involved with anyone now, I’m looking — and wondering how to keep my next relationship from degenerating into squabbles ... without turning into a doormat just to avoid conflict. What do you suggest? — Preventive Measures Sometimes it takes a serious relationship for men to truly understand the meaning of “those three little words”: Torture, degradation and deathwish. Just try going to a restaurant and addressing your waiter in that special “you exist, therefore you’re wrong” voice too many women reserve for the men they claim to love the most. When service is a little slow: “Hey, Worthless! I hate to interrupt your plans to stand around looking stupid for all eternity, but how about a wine list?” When he leans over to attend to another table, a scream: “What about ME!? What about MY NEEDS!?” When the grill stripes on her chicken are a little crooked: “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” And then, the grand finale: “I’ve taken the pills — I’ll be dead by the time you bring the check!” Unfortunately, she’s bluffing. Again. Oh, that crazy little thing called ... Vietnam: “Sometimes you have to destroy a man to save him.” Right. Loads of fun for both people involved, and any bystanders caught in the crossfire. Sure, women who favor this approach succeed in changing the men they’re with — but only from really miserable to really, really miserable. Ironically, you don’t inspire a man to change by trying to make him change but by trying to make him happy. It helps if you love him, and treat him accordingly — as opposed to simply dotting the “i”s in “hostility” with little hearts. You see no reason to wait until you have a man to plot how you’ll crush his spirit — sorry, launch him on his quest for self-improvement (neatly coinciding with your self-interest, of course). Your energy would be much better spent seeking a man whose mere presence in your periphery doesn’t turn you into Turbo-Shrew. Avoid tottering off with the first guy with a nice square chin who nods your way in a bar. Determine your rockbottom boyfriend must-haves — the qualities in a boyfriend you can’t live without — and don’t stop until you land a man who has them. Next, recognize the difference between a vicious personal attack and random male absent-

mindedness. An example of the latter is the tendency, in men, to walk around eating without a plate — even if grazing on mashed potatoes and gravy. Tempted as you may be to scream at your man during Plateless Promenade Number 1225, it’s much less effective than simply smiling and handing him a dish. If having a happy man in your life takes chasing him with china and intimating that “The Joy of Vacuuming” is the latest in the “Joy of Sex” series — is that such a high price to pay? This doesn’t mean forgetting what you want; just keeping in mind that demands are most likely to be met if they aren’t made in the form of demands. In other words, try to do most of the “expressing your feelings” thing when you’re feeling good about what he’s doing. What works in relationship-land isn’t so different from what works in restaurant-land. Complaints about what’s on your plate are more likely to be resolved if you ask nicely than if you scream at the waiter, “YOU’RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!” This, of course, solves nothing — but it might beg the question: “Well, then, where’s your boyfriend going to sleep?” ___________________________________ For a year, I’ve been interested in my shyguy neighbor. He often makes excuses to come talk to me or to prolong conversations, so it seems that he likes me, too. Yesterday, he saw me washing my car. I told him he should wash it for me, because I’ve heard that guys will offer to help women they’re interested in. He said he would if I washed his first. I refuse to be an aggressive stalking woman who pursues men. How do I get him to ask me out? — Shy, Too “Aggressive stalking woman”? You don’t have to tear off all your clothes and bellow, “Right here, right now, or nothing!” Just squeak out the following: “Hi, I was wondering if you’d like to go out for a drink sometime ... perhaps Tuesday night?” You’re much more likely to get a yes on a request to share a beverage than on your rather insulting offer of an opportunity to be your serf. The choice is yours: Find some courage or buy 26 cats and plan to die alone in a smelly apartment with one light bulb swinging over your head. Best of luck getting Meow Mix wholesale. — © 2003, Amy Alkon

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METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

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Write Amy Alkon

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To respond to ads using a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE SBF, 33, would like to share movies, dinners, quiet evenings at home, the usual dating activities, with a great guy. !463610 LOOKING FOR YOU SWF, 37, 5’6”, Scorpio, N/S, enjoys mountains, bowling, the beach and music. Seeking WM, 35-48, N/S, to be a companion, friend. !456544

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ARE WE A GOOD MATCH? SWM, 37, brown/blue, Leo, smoker, enjoys outdoor sports, Nascar. Seeks caring woman, 25-50, who wants to be treated like a queen. !891638 TAKE A CHANCE SM, 39, 6’, 240lbs, laid-back, artistic, loves life and trying new things. Seeking SF for fun times, friendship, casual dates and maybe more. !976288 I GIVE GOOD LOVE SM, 28, 5’5”, N/S, Virgo, enjoys sports, bowling, movies, going out, quiet times. Seeking a single lady, 26-34, same interests, for dating, possibly more. !957932 NEW TO AREA SBM, 41, 6’3”, 205lbs, brown eyes, handsome, Libra, N/S, ISO honest, sincere, fullfigured woman, 20-60, race unimportant. !928684 JUST LET ME KNOW SWM, 27, 5’10”, 165lbs, enjoys dining out, movies, music, conversation, traveling, romance, laughter and more. Seeking outgoing, intelligent, humorous SW/BF, 18-30, for companionship. !956434 PRINCE SBM, 27, 5’11”, 165lbs, enjoys music, travel, reading, dining. Seeking a woman who is outgoing, attractive, with similar interests for possible LTR. !954917 FRIENDS OR... SWM, 36, 165lbs, athletic type, likes watching movies, some evenings out, dining, dancing. Seeking SW/HF, 20-45, slim to average build, same mindset, for possible LTR. !943034

VELVET TEDDY BEAR SBM, 37, Sagittarius, N/S, in construction field, seeks an intelligent, attractive woman, 23-45, with healthy full figure, loving, caring, affectionate. !936899 LOVEABLE TEDDY BEAR SBM, 38, 6’2”, Cancer, smoker, loves sports, dinner, dancing, movies. Seeking woman, 20-45, smoker, to kick up her heels with me. !938554 HOW DO I SOUND TO YOU? Handsome, financially secure SWM, 54, enjoys the outdoors, long walks, swimming, dining out, biking and much more. Seeking intelligent, caring, trustworthy SW/AF, 3855, for friendship, maybe more. !960841 NO MORE GAMES SWM, 34, 6’4”, 190lbs, is in great shape, and is looking for a woman who keeps herself healthy and believes in honesty. !955377 ME AND MISS LADY SBM, 38, 6’1”, professional cook, likes sports, looking for a lady, 28-42, likes quiet times, walks in the park, family, fun. Does this sound like you? !951742 WHAT A CATCH Slim SBM, 22, 5’10”, green eyes, looking for a laid-back, cool girl, 18-29, very attractive, open mind. Let’s talk. !952108 MUCH TO OFFER SHM, 58, 5’10”, 185lbs, salt-n-pepper hair, retired, Virgo, N/S, loves trailer camping, mountains, beaches. Seeking WF, 48-62, N/S, retired a+. !937107

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METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

COMPANIONSHIP DWF, 50, interested in gardening, antiques and traveling. Churchgoer. Seeking DWM, 48-58, for loving, tender relationship. !732056 MORE THAN AVERAGE Slender SBF, 53, 5’2”, independent, Aries, smoker, loves music, conversation, laughter. Seeking independent, mature SBM, 4865, for friendship first. !369627 MAYBE YOU’RE THE ONE? DWF, 52, 5’4”, brown/green, 170lbs, retired, secure, homeowner, loves sailing, cooking, gardening, shooting pool. Seeking considerate, pleasant SM who likes the same, for companionship and possible LTR. !980275 THE BOMB SWF, 18, with a full figure, seeks a male, 1825, who enjoys movies, dinner, for friendship and possibly more with time. !955355 SEEKING HONESTY SBF, 37, full-figured enjoys dining out, movies, reading, music, laughter, parks, and much more. Seeking similar SB/WF, 32-50, for friendship, maybe more. !964698 BE MY TEDDY BEAR SWF, 32, 5’3’’, 180lbs, auburn/blue, no kids, never married, enjoys movies, sports, travel, dining, bowling, cuddling, quiet evenings. Seeking honest, romantic SBM, similar interests, for dating, possible LTR. !894568 FRIEND IN FAITH SBF, 47, Capricorn, N/S, involved with church, very creative, artistic, designs tile and cards. Seeking BCM, 44-58, involved with church, who loves the Lord. !707742 ENDANGERED SPECIES SBF, 57, average build, independent, likes the good things life has to offer, fun to be with. Seeking SBM, 55-68, independent, honest and caring. !927805 COULD THIS BE YOU? SBF, 45, 5’4”, full-figured, Taurus, N/S, enjoys church, dining out, reading, and quiet times at home. ISO BM, 45-65, N/S, for LTR. !810309 OLD-FASHIONED LADY SWCF, 48, 5’3”, 150lbs, blonde/green, Scorpio, N/S, enjoys church, Bible studies, music, dining out. Seeking SWCM, 35-60, N/S, for friendship and more. !840939 CLOSER TO FINE SBF, 58, retired school teacher, N/S, enjoys traveling and tv. Seeking BM, 50-65, educated (high school at least, please), who enjoys having good clean fun. !909981 ISO CHRISTIAN VALENTINE SWCF, 61, outgoing, Libra, N/S, seeks SWCM, 59-65, with whom to share Christ, friendship, and laughter. Must be family-oriented, kind, outgoing, emotionally/financially secure. Let’s give our friendship a try. !911830 TALL BROWN SUGAR SBF, 25, 5’9”, N/S, enjoys movies, concerts, quiet times, and good music. Seeking WM, 23-30, N/S, no children. !906840 WANNA DANCE? SWF, 57, seeks dance partner for Salsa and Square Dancing! Any size, shape, big or tall, short or small, matters not! It’s the footwork that counts! Beginner-intermediate level. !898986

I WANT TO LOVE YOU SBF, 18, 5’2”, Cancer, enjoys writing poetry, walks on the beach, hanging out and enjoying life. Seeking BM, 18-24, who will treat her right, and expects the same in return. !880193 WAITING FOR YOU SB mom, 24, Virgo, seeks a man for days at the park, the mall, or at the movies, and spending time with family and friends. !883496 HIKER HEAVEN SWF, 45, full-figured, N/S, enjoys church, exploring, old movies, auctions, and gym. Seeking WM, 46-56, N/S. Let’s make tracks together. !807679 ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE Honest SWF, 28, 5’10”, 210lbs, blonde/blue, enjoys classic rock, horror movies, and quiet nights at home. Seeking SW/HM, 18-40, for friendship, possible LTR. !874789 LOVE OF LIFE Attractive, classy, vivacious SWCF, 50ish, N/S, N/D, seeks SWCM, N/S, N/D, who is honest, financially/mentally secure, and ready for commitment. !875741 SIMPLE KIND OF LIFE SWF, 34, listens to country and oldies music, and wants to meet a man to cuddle up on the couch and watch a good movie, or enjoy other simple pleasures. !860787 JAZZY MISS Slender and attractive SBPF, 31, loves music, conversation, travel. Seeking kind, friendly, honest and family-oriented SBM, 30-38, for fun times. !865339 LOOKING FOR ME Female, 34, Leo, smoker, seeks man, 2538, for romance, real friendship, with similar interests, possibly more later on. !844726 DREAM GUY SBF, 29, searching for open-minded, outgoing SM, 22-38, military man A+, for friendship, fun nights out, dancing, talks and maybe more. !836990 SOMEONE TO LOVE SWF, 48, enjoys a good horror movie, a drama or a comedy. Seeking a man for romance, quiet times at home, or just dancing the night away! !832399 LOVES TO BOWL WF, 48, petite, Capricorn, N/S, enjoys Chicano cuisines. Seeking WM, 46-59, N/S, very outgoing, for LTR. !806136 ADVENTUROUS MOM SBF, 29, Cancer, N/S, loves beaches, horror movies, and horseback riding. Seeking man, 25-40, N/S, strong-minded, who loves kids. !808682 A VERY SERIOUS WOMAN SBPF, 34, mother of 3, nurse, independent and secure, enjoys church, movies, dining. looking for commitment-minded, level-headed, spiritual, spontaneous, respectful man, who truly appreciates a good woman. Sound like you? !777612 AQUARIUS SEEKING SWF, 46, 5’6”, smoker, enjoys cuddling, movies, gardening. Seeking honest, handsome SWM, 40-50, with similar interests, with similar interests, for friendship, possible LTR. !759515 SEARCHING FOR MR RIGHT SBPF, 39, Libra, loves church, traveling, movies, and dining out. Seeking SBPM, 3760, for possible LTR. !421273 YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO SBF, 39, Leo, N/S, seeks BM, 38-45, downto-earth, very direct and straightforward, to have fun with. !582549

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DOGGONE LOVEABLE SWM, 37, Gemini, smoker, nature and animal lover (especially puppies), seeks outgoing, down-to-earth man, 20-70, for friendship. !909184 FUN-FILLED DAYS AWAIT SBM, 24, enjoys taking trips, nice restaurants, fun evenings, dancing, quality time together. Seeking masculine SBM, 20-55, for possible relationship. !894435 HEALTHY AND FIT SBM, 25, 5’5”, 170lbs, masculine, nighttime inventory stocker, Capricorn, N/S, enjoys working out. Seeking energetic, passionate, masculine WM, 20-50, N/S. !708544 TAKE A CHANCE GWM, 43, 6’2”, 195lbs, black brown, seeks other GWM, for fun times and maybe something more. !493530 ACTIVE SBM SBM, 49, Pisces, N/S, enjoys bowling, movies, playing sports, seeks compatible BM, 30-46, N/S, with similar interests. !846543 IS IT YOU? Simple, easygoing SM, 47, enjoys bowling, music, cooking, more. Seeking outgoing lady for good times, talks, friendship and possible LTR. !975288 EASY TO TALK TO SWM, 48, loves good Italian or French cuisine, and is looking for a man who is easy to get along with, for romance. !870126 GLOVERVILLE GUY GWM, Capricorn, N/S, loves bars, karaoke, cooking out, and pool. Seeking GWM, 2849, smoker, to cuddle up with. !936256

METRO SPIRIT - APRIL 1, 2004

WHY NOT CALL? SBF, 41, seeks goal-oriented, caring SBF with children ok, for friendship, dating and possible relationship. !976521

THE SWEETEST THING SBF, 26, 5’8”, 145lbs, wants to get out and have fun with a new friend, maybe more with time. !832018

SOMETHING SPECIAL DWF, 45, 5’8”, 145lbs, two kids at home, loves heavy metal music. Seeking SWF, 3050, likes being around kids, for possible LTR. !945525

1 YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR BiWF, 27, enjoys everything, promises you won’t regret it. If you’re looking for a good time and friendship, I’ll be perfect for you. !830500 PLAYS GUITAR, WRITES... poetry, and rollerblades. Native-American/ African-American female, 18, 5’5”, 117lbs, very toned, laid-back, a goofball at times, N/S, seeks woman, 18-29. !818596 BONEVILLE BABE SWF, 31, 5’5”, 130lbs, brown/green, smoker, enjoys playing golf, movies, and picnics at the lake. Seeking WF, 25-40, for friends, possibly more. !818908 DIVA WITH DIMPLES Independent DWF, 23, Gemini, smoker, enjoys hip-hop, R&B, and country music. Seeking WF, 20-30, smoker, for friendship, possible romance. !808179 GET TO KNOW ME SBF, 25, Taurus, N/S, enjoys movies, travel. Seeking woman, 21-30, N/S, for friendship, possible romance. !803723 A LOT TO OFFER Non-smoking GBF, 37, N/S, seeks very attractive, unique, romantic, fun, intelligent, feminine GF, 27-37, for friendship, dating, possibly more. !749660 JUST THE FACTS SBPF, 41, Libra, N/S, seeks PF, age and race unimportant, who enjoys dining out, quiet times at home, and movies, for LTR. !730225

WHY WAIT? SWF, 38, 5’6”,140lbs, short brown hair, easygoing, enjoys playing golf, the beach. Seeking feminine female, 20-40, to have fun times and more. !448489 AFRICAN-AMERICAN STUD Open-minded, spontaneous, laid-back SBF, 23, Pisces, N/S, loves R&B and old-school music. Seeking feminine woman, 25-50, race not important, who loves to have fun. !919677 READY TO HAVE FUN! SF, 25, seeks femme, 25-35, race not important, who is nice, pretty, slim. Let’s talk and get to know one another! !895256 WAITING FOR YOU SBF, 19, is in search of a friend first, maybe more with time, with a lady who likes to get out and have fun. !874312

LOVES CHILDREN Easygoing, nice SF, 32, looking for someone with the same qualities, 29-39, and a people person. !388943

LET’S SADDLE UP SWM, 27, 5’8”, brown/brown, Virgo, smoker, loves horses, camping (with or without the horses), and traveling. Seeking man, 25-40, who can ride, ride, ride. !921725

ONLY A WOMAN WILL KNOW GBF, Capricorn, N/S, likes reading, movies, dining out, travel, sports. Seeking outgoing, caring GWF, 27-52, N/S, with similar interests, for dating and more. !850614

Chemistry 101

SWF+SPM=LTR

LOOKING FOR COOL CAT... to converse with. SBM, 34, Capricorn, N/S, game and drama-free, seeks BM, 26-48, serious-minded, with sense of direction in life. !889038 LET’S GET TOGETHER GWPM, 37, 5’9”, brown/brown, who enjoys reading, movies, politics, entertainment, seeks a guy for dating, possibly growing into more. !883365 I WANT TO MEET YOU! GBM, 32, 5’7”, average build, Pisces, N/S, likes reading, movies, dining out, travel, sports. Seeking outgoing, caring GWM, 2445, with similar interests, for friendship, possible LTR. !850885

Mix up a little chemistry this spring.

SEEKS MAN WITH DIRECTION GBM, 33, Capricorn, N/S, seeks understanding, level-headed, secure GBM, 2548, with similar interests, for friendship, possible LTR. !854633 INTERESTED? Independent SWM, 37, 5’8”, 150lbs, brown/brown, would like to meet fun-loving, honest, real, professional, secure female to share dates, talks, walks, dinners and romance. !848764 FUN TO HANG AROUND WITH GWM, 52, 5’2”, smoker, enjoys playing pool, having fun, seeks outgoing GWM, 40-55, smoker, with similar interests. !844895

How do you

SEEKING SPECIAL GENTLEMAN SBM, 33, 6’2”, 245lbs, Taurus, N/S, likes movies, camping, music, reading, sports. Seeking out GM, 35-48, for friendship, possible romance. !824261 GREAT PERSONALITY SBM, 18, 6’3”, 220lbs, masculine build, seeking SBM, 18-29, very masculine, energetic, fun-loving, to go out for dinners, walks and more. !627150 RELAXING AT HOME SBM, 35, Virgo, N/S, likes relaxing at home, fun, concerts, trips going to the beach. Seeks fun, spontaneous SBM, 26-37, N/S. !532700 LET’S MEET FOR COFFEE Good-looking GWM, 36, 6’, 200lbs, muscular, tan, enjoys working out, yard work, spending time with my dogs. Looking for attractive SM, 32-48, for dating, maybe leading to LTR. !436231 ME IN A NUTSHELL WM, 18, brown/blue, medium build, looking for fun, outgoing, energetic guy, 18-30, for movies, hanging out, quiet evenings at home, and more. Friends first, maybe becoming serious. !425471

LOVES TO MAKE YOU LAUGH SBM, 37, 5’8”, slim build, Aquarius, smoker, disc jockey and pest control technician, seeks woman, 25-41, just as a friend. !939056 YOU NEVER KNOW... where this could lead. SBM, 24, Pisces, smoker, seeks BF, 20-30, for friendship, perhaps casual dating. !926708 LET’S TALK! SBM, 19, 6’, 145lbs, looking for a female, 18-29, who is down-to-earth, knows how to have fun! !900587 LET ME LOVE YOU SWM, 37, 6’, 200lbs, Cancer, N/S, in construction work, loves camping. Looking to meet a nice WF, 40-60, with whom to share what lovers do. !908620 A LITTLE TLC DWM, 49, 5’11”, 195lbs, homeowner, financially secure, enjoys cooking, home life, motorcycle riding. Looking for attractive WF, 35-50, with similar interests. !938440 TO THE POINT SBM, 20, 5’11”, Libra, smoker, loves hanging out with friends and listening to music. Seeking a real woman, 20s, free of games. !924941 CULTURED SWM, 31, 5’6”, athletic build, Cancer, N/S, would like to meet an athletic, energetic woman, 21-55, N/S. !926395 PLEASE, PLEASE ME SWM, 32, N/S, N/D, is looking for a woman, 27-35, with a petite build, to share good times, conversations and maybe more. !871092 SEEKING ADVENTURE SWPM, 44, 6’2”, slender, Sagittarius, smoker, loves to travel. Seeking woman, 18-30, slender or average-sized. !910584 I LOVE MY DOG... but I can’t take her to the movies. Puerto Rican SHM, 22, 5’9”, long curly (sometimes braided) hair, smoker, works in collections. Seeking BF, 18-40, for friendship, possible romance. !914936 TENDER, LOVING CARE SWM, 40, enjoys sports, hanging out and just having fun. Seeking a lady who needs more romance in her life. !895728 CONTACT ME! DM, 34, 160lbs, sandy blond, would like to meet a female, 19-38, for movies, dining, and more! !891732 MUST LOVE THE LORD SBM, 56, 5’7’’, N/S, likes sports, gospel music, exercise, steak. Seeking SBF, 39-42, N/S, for friendship first, see what develops. !891808 A NEW YEAR SBM, 29, 5’7”, 145lbs, with a handsome face, seeks a woman who is petite, pretty, and occasionally crazy, to hang out, maybe more. !884263 GIVE ME A CALL SWM, 40, 5’8”, 185lbs, salt-n-pepper/green, N/S, enjoys fishing, horseback riding, stargazing, martial arts, reading, quiet times home. Seeking that special woman to share life, laughs and maybe love. !834688 WELL-ROUNDED MAN Educated SBPM, 41, 5’11”, loves reading, working out, the arts, dining out, travel, quiet times. Would like to meet SWF, 30-45, with similar interests, for fun, friendship, and maybe more. !442021 HEART OF GOLD SWM, 31, 6’3”, 210lbs, brown/blue, enjoys reading, movies, travel, sports. Seeking outgoing, attractive SF, with similar interests, for friendship, possible LTR. !556440 LOOKING FOR MS. RIGHT SWM, 37, 5’9”, 180lbs, enjoys biking, sports, travel, dining out. Seeking outgoing, attractive SF, with similar interests, for friendship, possible LTR. !557954

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Classifieds Alt. Lifestyles

THE COLISEUM

Premier Entertainment Complex & High Energy Dance Music

Friday, April 2nd Charlie Brown Saturday, April 3rd Hot Boy Gabriel & Co.

Mind, Body & Spirit

MARLBORO STATION Aiken’s Ultimate Dance Club ! !

! !

Open Mon-Fri 8pm-3am Sat 8pm-2:30am

Fri & Sat. No Cover Before 10 p.m. 1632 Walton Way • Augusta, GA

706-733-2603

Email: ColiseumAugusta@aol.com

! !

Drink Specials: FRI & SAT Famous Beer Bust All You Can Drink $9

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$1.00 D ra Every N ft ight All Nigh t

Do you need to Forgive Someone? Perhaps you should try

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FRI -The New Kids on the Block w/ Jessica Ladayne, Charity and Jada Ricci SAT - Miss Peg SUN- The Miss Marlboro Station New Comer Pageant

Let go of the past and create a new Positive Future. An Easy, Step-by-Step Process that really works! Steven D. Kaplan Radical Forgiveness Coach Positive Image Awareness Center, Inc. 116 Shaw Street, Martinez, GA. 30907

(706 210-4849 www.RadicalForgiveness.com

141 Marlboro Street, N.E. Aiken S.C. • 803-644-6485

POSITIVE IMAGE AWARENESS CENTER, INC

>> No Cover With This Ad <<

INTERNATIONALLY KNOWN SPIRITUAL COUNSELOR DARLEN-DE

Services

IS NOW OFFERING SPIRITUAL COUNSELING AND HYPNOSIS AT OUR NEW ADDRESS:

Poor Water Drainage?

DOORS OPEN AT 9:00 • 18 to Party • 21 to Drink

116 SHAW STREET MARTINEZ, GA 30907 TheAwarenessCtr@aol.com www.spiritualwarriors.net

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General Help Wanted 59 People needed to lose weight! All natural, doctor recommended 100% Guaranteed Call for free sample, 706-284-7650 (04/01#8368)

Employment Rosedale Transport Needs OTR Drivers, both team and solo. If you have one year experience, CDL Class A with haz-mat, good driving record. Home weekly, 1-800-486-3681 (04/01#8407)

Equipment WOLFF TANNING BEDS

AFFORDABLE • CONVENIENT Tan At Home Payments From $29/month FREE Color Catalog Call Today 1-800-781-5173 (04/01#8373)

R E A D I N G S

Mrs. Graham, Psychic Reader, Advises on all affairs of life, such as love, marriage, and business. She tells your past, present and future. Mrs. Graham does palm, tarot card, and Chakra balancing. She specializes in relationships and reuniting loved ones.

SPECIAL READINGS WITH CARD

MRS. GRAHAM

341 S. Belair Rd. Open from 9 a.m. til 9 p.m. Call (706) 733-5851

Full Body Massage! Therapeutic tension relief, intense or tender touch, relaxing music, aromatherapy, by appointment only - $49.00/hr. Call Joy - 706-771-9470 or John - 803-361-8811 (04/01#8408)

Premier Investigations •Domestic •Child Custody •Surveillance •Background Checks 706-869-1667 (04/01#8419)

Call 738-1142 to place your Classified ad! Travel

Diamond Massage Therapy Dr. Scot tie Diamond and our qualified staff of professionals offer in home massage therapy, migraine relief, pedicures, manicures, & acne treatments. Your first acne treatment is free. We come to you at your convenience. Call 803-827-9300 (04/01#8405)

RYDER CUP TICKETS Will trade two Sunday Ryder Cup Tickets for two Friday/Saturday Masters Tickets. Ron 315-253-3614 (04/01#8399)

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www.sundownconstruction.com Love’s Wedding Chapel All types of ceremonies NO BLOOD TEST!!!! NO WAITING PERIOD!!!! Love & Light Healing Center 2477 Wrightsboro Road 706-733-8550 or cell 951-1300 (04/01#8370)

Telephone Service Unlimited Long-Distance & Local Calling One Price, One Bill, One Company Keep Your Same Phone # Reps Needed Call 1-800-392-4050 Eula NEX X Independent Rep www.nex xrep.com/134741 (04/01#8406)

Wheels

Dead Bodies Wanted

Religion Metropolitan Community Church of Our Redeemer A Christian Church reaching to all: including Gay, Lesbian, and Transgendered Christians. Meeting at 557 Greene Street, 11 am and 6 pm each Sunday. 722-6454 MCCOurRedeemer@aol.com www.mccoor.com (04/01#8128)

Real Estate Homes for Rent Savannah Lakes Village Rental Home New 3 br, 2 ba House for rent. No pets. Call 843-251-8886 or email, erogers2@sc.rr.com (04/22#8421)

We want your dead junk or scrap car bodies. We tow away and for some we pay. 706/829-2676

706/798-9060

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FOR WOMEN ONLY Women of The Augusta Naturists will be holding a WINR (Women in Nude Recreation) information meeting for prospective female nudists April 15, 2004 If interested, please call 278-1835 for information. Sorry guys, this is for LADIES ONLY! ht tp://www.knology.net/~nudlikeme2/main.htm (04/01#8397)

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RAY WILLIAMSON & ASSOCIATES Private Investigations 17 years experience Domestic Relations and Child Custody Cases Licensed and Bonded in Georgia & Carolina 706-854-9672 or 706-854-9678 fax (04/01#8418)

Professional Massage Therapist Serving the Augusta Boxing Club for 6 years at ring side. Golfers and boxers welcome. 706-592-9450 Or 399-8527 (04/01#8402) Professional Massage By experienced male. Designed for healthy men 18 - 55 only. A great way to relax House & Hotel Calls Only 706-589-9139 (04/01#8403)

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