Metro Spirit 05.12.2011 by Metro Spirit

table of contents

Fringe

whine line

tom tomorrow

thumbs up, thumbs down

we recommend

insider

metro

Come see why we are Metros Best Hair Salon 2011

news of the weird

We want to welcome to our team Robbin Johnson & Crystal Story.

feature

are you not entertained

calendar

the8

art45

sightings

crisp

nytimes crossword

free will astrology

eardrum

slab

after dark

the download

ball

jenny is wright

advice goddess

austin rhodes

Thanks to all our loyal clients and their referrals, we have expanded!

706.364.3722

F R I N G E H A I R O N L I N E . C O M

101 Maple Drive · Martinez (next to Firehouse Subs on Columbia Rd.)

You Deserve a Professional All Georgia Licensed Massage Therapists

Writer Eric Johnson eric@themetrospirit.com Production Director Amy Christian amy@themetrospirit.com

Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, Lead Designer people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the Gabe Vega political and social spectrum. The gabe@themetrospirit.com views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us Interested in advertising? at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, Call Joe White LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. at 706-373-3636 or Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. email joe@themetrospirit. Reproduction or use without is prohibited. One c o v e r d e s i g n permission copy per person, please.

KRUHU kruhu.com

Georgia Therapeutic Massage, LLC 106 Davis Road • Suite D • Martinez www.gatherapeuticmassage.com

706.651.0202

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 3

Hardwood Floors&More

ds t

his

tur

4696 Washington Road | Evans | 706.868.7030

Tent Sale FINAL WEEKEND

Hardwood Laminate Tile Carpet Lighting

FINAL MARKDOWN

70%

UP TO 4 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

off

whineLINE

whineline@themetrospirit.com Make whineline@themetrospirit.com a contact in your phone.

This paper was so much better when it was obvious which department I was reading. I used to look forward to this paper but now I walk right by the stand. Hopefully you’ll get a better layout something that makes sense and draws the eye forward instead of confusing it. I can’t tell if I’m reading news, opinion, music, or food...except for the pictures, which aren’t very catchy either, there is nothing distinctive anymore about the design. It’s a monolith of grey type and boring pages. Even if the stories were good, I wouldn’t know because your layout discourages me from reading it. Glad that I could contribute. Well, it’s finally happened. I just finnished this weeks whineLINE and we’ve heard from some of the dumbest people on Earth. One person asked about the noise in Evans. My God!!, another wrote to ask if you were still in business, very bright, etc. To every single person that has had a negative thing to say about the new Spirit, I say shut up. There isn’t a single publication in the world without flaws. See if you can do better. Oh, and one other thing, IT’S FREE!!!!!! This message is for Josh Ruffin. Hello there, we are Dyslexic Postcards from Miami, Fl. We would like to submit our EP I really miss the Church lady and the in the mix and we need more whine line and I miss the crime report. Go back to the old style I really look forward to Wednesdays for my copy. I really enjoyed the story In the clouds I have

always wondered about that place. Do something on the KROC center to inform us. Thanks can we try to put a little more work into the cover of your weekly? To the off duty drunk richmond county officer who put down his beer to search the guy in front of limelite cafe this pass sunday where do we draw the line of abuse of power.. SMh If everyone had the attitude that some of the office ladies at the (monopolized) Augusta Utilities Water Department have, it would be a very miserable world without compassion. Okay... you know that person in last week’s Whine Line who wanted to know where to get a white German Shepherd? Tell him from me to just get a dog, any dog, and bleach it. Dear God. So putting out over 50 crappy albums isn’t enough for you Peter Cetera? You have to somehow train these effing bugs to remind me of 70’s radio all over again? Life isn’t worth living if I have to deal with this in another 13 years. The King Spa may just be protected by a former Columbia County commissioner, and he is not from Harlem. He has been seen and photographed on several visits. By the way, I loved the article and had fun reading the first hand experience portion. Can’t wait for the follow up. There is so much human trash in this city. It’s 3:18am and neighbors on this street let their dogs bark until they’re

hoarse. You’re not the only ones that live here, everyone can hear your pitbulls barking, and your neighbors DO have the right to peace and quiet...so don’t be surprised when the police start showing up at your doors, because for consistent good nights sleep, I’m not afraid to take some people to court! It wouldn’t have to be this way if neighbors showed some consideration for each other. TRASH!! just wanted to say i enjoy the ms, mostly all interesting/informative/ amusing, except for the blurb called after dark. don’t get it, somewhat puerile. maybe lose it? Oh no. It’s the O police wanting to shut down my favorite massage parlors again. Greetings to the people of Metro Spirit...Joe, Amy, & Eric. Honestly I hope there are more on staff and if not why not hire me? I am unemployed and am just wondering if I have any talent to write? Now I shall submit a work for your consideration titled... Admiral Ackbar did NOT destroy the Death Star. A Rebel Alliance pilot did. Ackbar just happened to be the admiral when pilots finally found the Death Star and took it out. This was NOT an Admiral Ackbar victory, but a REBEL ALLIANCE victory!

massage parlor story needed to be written, and you wouldn’t find this kind of nervy work anywhere but the Metro Spirit. Also I didn’t know you had a crossword puzzle in the paper. Tipsey McStumbles... A very amusing name for either (or BOTH) location(s) - why not join forces? You are both pulling in different crowds with different money. Stop the foolishness - you could accomplish a lot more together than petty arguments separately. On a related note: I do hope the location in Aiken wins. The Augusta branch’s advertisements are demeaning and I hate being assaulted with blatant sexual advertising when I read the Metro Spirit or even walking by their establishment on 7th street... whereas I have never seen such objectionable advertisements by the Aiken location. Livingsocial.com ads offer skydiving at 52% off. Do you really want to jump out of an airplane knowing you’re getting half off, wondering where it is they cut corners to give you such a deal? Frank Sams is a local hero who needs to be celebrated: Whines are printed as they are sent to the Metro Spirit, which means we don’t proofread them. The staff does, however, reserve the right to edit out questionable and offensive material.

Where was Todd’s article this week? My husband and I miss him being at the Bistro. I have to say I wasn’t that bummed when the Metro Spirit closed up. It had gotten pretty boring. I just wanted to drop a line and say I am very impressed with what you guys are doing. This

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 5

whineline@themetrospirit.com

whineLINE Response to a Letter We’re Not Printing Dear Batman, Thank you so much for your letter dated May 5. We appreciate your input and hope you reconsider your decision to stop reading the Metro Spirit…”So, as of today, I’m gone.” We certainly appreciate your offer to help us out with a story, since we are “floundering like a fish out of water”. We reviewed your submission and in fact find it interesting and newsworthy. Our ears perk up whenever we hear about “funny business”, “paychecks to non-existent individuals”, “pilfering”, etc. “The funny thing about this story is there is nary a peep about it anywhere within Columbia County. Rest assured, if some hoodwink in Columbia County stabbed me while preventing a crime, that punk would turn the story around and get me arrested for carrying a concealed weapon! As that’s how things work in Columbia County.” Unfortunately, we do not accept story submissions from superheroes. We would, however, encourage you to pursue justice in the aforementioned matter. Sorry you can’t read this, Police Commissioner

gofugyourself.com Heather and Jessica run this website, which aims to cut fashion-challenged celebrities and wannabes down to size. You’ll visit the site for the horrible clothes, but you’ll return time and time again for the pair’s hilariously well-written put downs. Be especially on the lookout for their riffs on Kanye West and Jennifer Lopez, as well as their imagined celebrity conversations. And pray for the day you finally meet Boobs Legsly. This website is totally worth risking discovery by the boss who, chances are, will look over your shoulder and say, “Oh my god, what is she wearing?”

WE RECOMMEND

down THUMBS

up THUMBS

To Mi Rancho, who offered at least one mom a free shot of tequila early Mother’s Day afternoon.

6 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Joshua David McEachern of Greenville, S.C., allegedly killed his mom on Mother’s Day. “I knew they were rude kids, but they seemed normal” said next door neighbor.

INSI ER INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

No Rest Stops Allowed Law enforcement insiders say they dodged a major bullet with the quick recapture of one Andre Maurice “Poncho” Jackson. Jackson was left unattended in the front seat of a Taliaferro County Sheriff’s vehicle while Chief Deputy Daryl Evans made a 3 a.m. Waffle House stop in Thomson. No doubt you have read the details, but top cops say Jackson was in fact likely the “nastiest, baddest man arrested in Augusta in 2010.” They had him charged in two murders... one a cold-blooded killing during a home invasion in broad daylight and the other. the bloody and violent stabbing of his girlfriend, who, according to police, Jackson believed was going to turn him in for the reward money. It is said that Jackson likely had a hand in several other local killings as well. Some of the top law enforcement types in this end of the area are looking at tiny Taliaferro County with a seriously disparaging eye. Long known as Georgia’s smallest county, it has also in recent years been called one of its most corrupt. It is not believed to be anything other than gross incompetence that allowed Jackson to steal that police car and speed toward Augusta in the wee small hours of Tuesday morning, but just as sure as he was apprehended, you can rest assured that Evans’ carelessness will bring a spotlight to his department and his boss that will be as uncomfortable as it will be unwanted. Media Moves Over at WJBF-NewsChannel 6, we are told that while no departure is yet scheduled, anchor/reporter Kimberly Scott is coming under some rather specific and intense scrutiny. The TV veteran, who is best known for coanchoring the co-op’ed Fox 54 News at 10, has been the subject of much discussion behind the scenes, particularly concerning her on-air delivery. Given that Scott has recently become engaged to a high-ranking Paine College official, it was thought she might spend

her entire career in Augusta. Now the only question might be, spend her entire career in Augusta doing what? Ironically, Barclay Bishop, the longtime girlfriend of Kimberly’s co-anchor, John Hart, just left Vera Stewart where she had been assisting the celebrity chef in media relations and publicity. However, rumors of a Bishop-Hart anchoring partnership were dashed when the talented and hardworking Bishop was recently hired as the new media relations coordinator at Doctor’s Hospital. On a Lighter Note Holding for almost an hour is no fun. Holding for almost an hour while mindless blather repeats over and over makes the time spent almost cruel and unusual, since there was nothing better to do than stare at the wall pondering when it all went so horribly wrong. 4:15 p.m. At the SIT ON HOLD FOR AN HOUR COMPANY we put our customers first. And our commitment is to provide you with the customer service you deserve. We’re ready, willing and able to bring you the customer solutions you need. 4:37 p.m. Hello and thank you for calling “YOU READY TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT YET?” We appreciate your patience and will be with you in a moment. Did you know many of your questions can be answered at GOTOURWEBSITELEAVEUSALONE. com? A wide variety of options are available for HOW ABOUT HOLDING ANOTHER 25 MINUTES customers. Next time check out MAYBEUSHOULDGIVEUP.com. 4:56 p.m. Thank you again for choosing YOU STILL THERE? PERSISTANT BUGGER AREN’T YOU? When quality counts, you can count on us. We appreciate your patronage. 5:05:49 p.m. Sorry for your wait. How can I help you? The Insider is an anonymous voice examining Augusta politics and personalities. Send your tips to insider@themetrospirit.com.

ADD/ADHD SEMINAR MONDAY, MAY 23 AT 7PM

DR. TOM E. PARIS, D.C. -<9@ : -,99@ 9+ :<0;, Â&#x2039; (<.<:;( If your child is suffering from ADD/ADHD A ttend Seminar Se eminaar forr your your Attend Childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s C hildâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ssake! ake!

w o n e l u d schemmer break. for su

ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ALL ABOUT THE PERFORMANCE

TOPIC TO OPIC C DISCUSSIONS: DIS SCU USS SIONS S:

IN STOCK & ON SALE

ARE SEATSTED! LIMI NOW! VE RESER

4020 Washington Rd #10, Augusta

706-738-1651 Portmansmusic.com

CELEBRATING OUR 75TH YEAR OF BUSINESS!!

s $RUGLESS .ON )NVASIVE 4HERAPY s "RAIN "ASE 4HERAPY 0ROTOCOL s .UTRITION FOR THE "RAIN

DR. TOM E. PARIS, D.C. 706.228.3442 ;7(90: '.4(03 *64

2917 Riverwest Dr. Suite 105| Augusta, GA

GREUBELâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S Mixed Martial Arts

RIVERWATCH & I-20

GET IN SHAPE WITH A TWIST ONE MONTH FREE NO STRINGS WHATSOEVER â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am truly in the best shape of my life! (and I'm approaching 30)â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;They really taught me how to push myself and I've realized over and over that I can do things I never thought I could before. If everyone knew how good this level of fitness feels they would be at Greubel's!â&#x20AC;? -Sarah Smith

7 0 6 . 7 3 7 .0 9 1 1 | G R EU B E L S M M A . C O M METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 7

metro Eric Johnson

Take His Money. Seriously. Local entrepreneur looks to be the next big thing by having you take his money

Tommy Wafford While Tommy Wafford sits in his Broad Street office talking about his company, someone in cyberspace is trying to take his money. And he’s okay with that. In fact, his entire business model is built around it. That’s the catchy lead people with catchy company names like takeourmoney.com usually get. But the fact of the matter is, someone online really is banking on the fact that they’re going to shake a few bucks from him. And to look around the office, a few bucks seems like all he’s got. The table he’s sitting at and its accompanying chairs are pretty much the only things there. There’s promising activity going on in the loft, but you can’t really see up there. All you can see are the table and chairs, a flat screen TV and a really big net. The net goes with the TV. Wafford’s a young entrepreneurial-type, and we know from TV and the movies that all young entrepreneurial-types need some kind of diversion in the office, something cool to counterbalance all that Forbesness. In his case, the diversion is a computer golf game that uses the net. He says the game gives him all sorts of intuitive feedback about his swing, and he says it’s paying off. “I was a recreational player, and you never get any better playing once or twice a month,” he says. “But the last couple of months, I’ve cut 20 strokes off my game.” He cracks the mandatory joke about how bad a golf game has to be to be

8 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

able to cut 20 strokes from it and then he’s ready to get down to business. Though he seems relaxed, he’s obviously not the sort to waste time on conversation when a well-considered bullet point will do. That’s how those young entrepreneurtypes work, and Wafford definitely considers himself an entrepreneur. In fact, he thinks he’s got the next Facebook story right here in Augusta. “We say it around here all the time — if you can make it work in a multirural area in Georgia, then you can make it work in any major city.” To hear him talk about it, his takeourmoney.com concept has taken the city by storm. Over its six months of existence, the website, which basically allows visitors to earn chances to win prizes by viewing advertiser messages or coupons, has accumulated 3.5 million views, he says. In fact, the day before the interview, the site had 30,000 ad views. “If we could average 30,000 a day we’d be happy,” he says. A theater major in college, Wafford is a skilled communicator, which means he never runs out of interesting things to say about his company. Young entrepreneur-types are like that. It’s called evangelizing the company, and it’s obvious his 12 years as a youth minister at North Augusta’s TrueNorth church have given him the skills to take people to the river. Of course he also gets a kick out of the juxtaposition of his ministry past

and the masked thief that runs across his logo. And with his slick pitch, the too good to be true message and the blatant allusion to robbery, he admits it’s not always easy to be taken seriously in this post-Madoff world. “We saw a fundamental problem,” he says of the company’s origin. “We wanted to do internet advertising and we wanted to gear it to small business.” The problem with internet advertising, he says, is content. “So we said, what if we could draw our own traffic. Not produce any content, but still draw traffic. And we said, crap — let’s just give stuff away.” So Wafford and his partner, Andrew Duke, have created a virtual economy where participants are rewarded for participating by earning entries that they can invest in the different contests they run. In most situations, Wafford says, advertisements are placed around content; here, the ads are the content. “Ours is an engaged view,” he says. “The ad is the only thing on the page. It’s an interactive process, and they have to interact with your company message.” In order to rapidly grow the business, Wafford quickly instituted a referral tree system. Get a friend to sign up, get 100 entries. Get a friend to actually participate, get rewarded even more. Aware that it all sounds a little dodgy, Wafford stresses it’s a good situation for the customers, who get a legitimate way to win prizes, which range from food to a cruise, and for

the companies who participate, who can offer ads or coupons. But wait… there’s more! Trying to expand opportunities for both sides of the equation, Wafford’s recently added the ability to favor a particular business, which means you get alerts every time the business changes its ad or offer. If a business with 200 followers is having a slow day, it has the option of changing its ad and tempting those 200 people with a new message. Of course, a good idea is a long way from a sure thing, and the Augusta streets are littered with sure things. But Wafford is confident the idea can be expanded upon in a very big way. “We’re sitting in Augusta, Ga. We have 10,000 subscribers. We’re growing every day. We have a great monetization model — but we don’t have a tech industry,” he says. “There’s no way to get noticed.” Augusta has money, he says, but not a lot of venture capital. Which explains why he’s so eager to expand and why when he goes off-message, it’s usually to talk about other companies who have experienced success. “I would love to grow this company large enough that somebody with a lot more resources than I have comes in and says, ‘here’s x-amount of dollars,” he says. “That’s the endgame for me.”

706.738.9942 | C: 706.829.5577 | pbees@comcast.net

BEES CONSTRUCTION

We Specialize

The Balanced Body Professional esssiona iona all Massage Masssag Ma sage & Bodywork Bo B ody Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re Y ouâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;rre no ou nott a average, verage, an and a nd n yourr m mass massage sagee shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t should uldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;tt bee either. eit Make M Ma ak kee your you ur appointment! app poin

706.736.3377 GA Licensed Massage Therapists

www.thebalancedbodyspa.com w.th th heb balancedbo bal alance a la ancedbo an nceed dbodyspa.c yspa c Âˇ Kitchen renovations Âˇ Bathroom remodeling Âˇ Room additions Âˇ Door and window replacement Âˇ Decks, sunrooms, and screen rooms Âˇ Serving the Augusta area for over 20 years. Âˇ State licensed residential general contractor. Âˇ Fully insured with workers compensation and general liability insurance. Âˇ EPA lead safe certified firm.

Bees Construction, Inc., a full service residential remodeling and renovation corporation.

Mack Taylor ATTORNEY AT LAW

CRIMINAL DEFENSE Free Initial Consultation

706.922.1992 DUIs / TrafďŹ c - Misdemeanors Felonies - Drug Possession ALS Hearings

7013 Evans Town Center Blvd. M

)5(( 4827(

0RVTXLWR 6TXDGÂśV GD\ EDUULHU VSUD\ )RJV WKH DUHD VXUURXQGLQJ \RXU KRPH DQG EDFN\DUG 3URYHQ WUXVWHG EDUULHU RI PRVTXLWR FRQWURO SURWHFWLRQ 2XU (3$ UHJLVWHUHG PRVTXLWR FRQWURO VROXWLRQ LV VDIH DQG GHSHQGDEOH 0RVTXLWR 6TXDG PRVTXLWR FRQWURO LV DOVR DYDLODEOH IRU RXWGRRU ZHGGLQJV SLFQLFV FRQFHUWV IDPLO\ UHXQLRQV DQG RWKHU RXWGRRU VSHFLDO HYHQWV

Â&#x2021; $8*867$#02648,72648$' &20 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 9

n e w s

Bringing Hollywood Home!

Receive $5 off your first visit to our new salon

536 Grand Slam Dr. · Suite A&B Evans

Take a Moment for Yourself

A massage boutique for women only.

Equal justice under the law might just depend simply on whether a judge’s stomach is growling when he pronounces sentence, according to a study of 1,000 parole decisions during 50 courtroom days observed by students from Columbia University and Israel’s Ben Gurion University for an April journal article. The students found that, day after day, judges were increasingly stingy with parole as a morning or afternoon session wore on, but that dramatic spikes in generosity took effect immediately following lunch or a snack break. The lead researcher, Columbia professor Jonathan Levav, expressed satisfaction with the scholarship but disappointment “as a citizen” with the findings.

Note

All Georgia Licensed Massage Therapists

w o m e n’s m a s s a g e c e n t e r 7013 Evans Town Center Blvd., Suite 104, Evans www.womensmassagecenter.com

706.364.7347 10 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

t h e

WEIRD

Certified Brazilian Blowout ZERO Salon

706.945.0175

o f

From time to time, News of the Weird reminds readers that bizarre human adventures repeat themselves again and again. Here are some choice selections of previous themes recently recurring: “Man’s best friend” sometimes isn’t, as when a playful dog hops onto a gun on the ground, causing it to fire a round. John Daniels, 28, took a bullet in the knee from his dog, for example, in Raleigh, N.C., in January. Dogs betray in other ways, too. Motorist Joel Dobrin, 32, was pulled over in a traffic stop in February in Moro, Ore., and rushed to hide his alleged drug stash, which was in a sock. However, his dog intercepted the sock for an impromptu game of dog-tug-of-war in the car. Dobrin won but lost his grip, and the sock flew out the driver’s window, right in front of the officer. Dobrin was cited,

and later indicted, for drug possession. Prevailing medical authority 20 years ago warned that few humans could survive blood-alcohol readings above .40 (percent) but, in recent years, drivers have rather easily survived higher numbers (curiously, many from Wisconsin, such as the man in February in Madison, Wis., with a .559). (In 2007, an Oregon driver was found unconscious, but survived, with a .72 reading.) The plethora of high numbers might indicate mistaken medical teaching, or nonstandard machine measurements - or an evolutionary hardiness in American drinkers. In 2002 News of the Weird mentioned a theme park near Mexico City in which potential emigrants to the U.S. could test their survival skills in an obstacle course mimicking the rigors one would endure sneaking across the border. Recently, Owlchemy Labs, a Massachusetts technology company, announced plans to release an iPhone/iPad app, “Smuggle Truck,” a videogame in which players compete to drive a pickup truck full of illegals over rocky terrain from Mexico into the U.S. without too many passengers bouncing out (and with in-game “additions” consisting of pregnant women giving birth en route). Special “green cards” are awarded to winners. (Update: At presstime, Apple rejected the app, and Owlchemy said it would alter the game to one of animals escaping from a forest.)

Updates Sigurdur Hjartarson’s life’s work is his Phallological Museum in the fishing town of Husavik, Iceland. As the world’s only all-penis attraction, it draws tourists by the thousands, eager to see the 276-specimen collection of desiccated or stuffed organs from a wide range of animals. However, only in April (15 years after it opened) did the museum acquire a human penis, donated by the late Pall Arason, an acquaintance who, said Hjartarson, “liked to be in the limelight... to be provocative.” To an Associated Press reporter inquiring of the “size” of Arason’s donation, Hjartarson said only, “You will just have to come and see it.”

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 11

A Piece of Wood

Photography: jWhite

Following a piece of wood from a mill in Tifton to showroom in Texas

David Acord is standing outside the ruins of the old Avondale Mill in Tifton, Ga., waiting for a flatbed truck that’s two hours late. Acord and his business partner bought the 130,000-square-foot facility in February for $215,000 — “dirt cheap” according to the Tift County Tax Assessor’s office. His intention was to tear it down and sell off its parts, and today those parts include roughly 12,000 board feet of Longleaf pine decking bound for Southern Wood Floors here in Augusta. At his sawmill on Gordon Highway, Charles Marks will take that planking, which Acord’s crew removed from the Tifton mill’s roof, and convert it into high-end flooring for a customer in Texas. It’s an arduous, labor-intensive process that we wanted to document. So as the inaugural story in our 101 series, which takes a look at cool stuff we ought to know about but sometimes don’t, we packed up the car and headed off to Tifton to follow a single board as it makes its way to — and through — the sawmill in Augusta. Demolition, especially the demolition

12 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

of something as awesomely large as a turn-of-the-century textile mill, might seem like a hard way to make a buck. But according to Acord, who earns his living making use of what he tears down, repurposing the Longleaf pine used in the mill’s construction is particularly satisfying, especially given the fact that the virgin timber ran out in the 1920s. For all intents and purposes, the only place to find Longleaf pine is in old construction like the Tifton mill, and as we’re made painfully aware every time we pull up to the gas pump, scarcity adds value. Primarily because of that scarcity, and because the Longleaf pine is so durable, Acord estimates that selling off the wood and brick will pay for the demolition and the purchase of the land. When he turns around and sells the land (he intends to leave the tower, the stack and a couple of warehouses), he will realize the profit he’s looking for. “It’s so durable that a lot of it was shipped to England to make castles back in the 1700s and 1800s,” he says, watching the road for the truck. “We have actually sold some of the wood to rebuild castles with.” Though demolition is a supremely

practical undertaking, Acord confesses the age of the antique wood he deals with has a way of capturing his imagination. The Tifton mill, for example, was built in 1900. That means the timber was harvested in the 1890s, and judging from the rings he’s counted in some of the wood beams, the trees were probably 300 years old when they were cut down. Three hundred years from the 1890s means the planks he’s taken from the mill would have been seedlings about the time Shakespeare was fretting over what to do with Romeo and Juliet. How’s that for a bridge to the past? That New World resource, however, proved short-lived. Mills built just 20 years after the Tifton mill were already using second growth timber, which means that even with repurposing there’s only so much of that Longleaf pine to go around. “I figure there are enough mills to last 20 or 25 years,” he says. “A lot of them are getting turned into condos, which is good, and a couple of them burn down each year.” When the flatbed finally arrives, I choose my piece of wood — a smooth, 24-foot plank with plenty of white space.

A disposable pen gives its life for the marking that will allow us to keep track of it, and I hang around talking slowgrowth timber with Acord until the forklift eases the bundle onto the back of the truck. Though I don’t literally follow it back to Augusta, I am at the sawmill by 7:30 the next morning to greet it, confusing the truck driver, who seemed to remember seeing me somewhere before. For Marks, whose Southern Wood Floors has been making flooring since 1993, antique wood like the shipment from Tifton represents about 40 percent of his business and, given the economy, he’s happy the historic community is allowing people like Acord to save the pieces of the greater, and sometimes unsustainable, whole. Marks says he has customers as far away as Alaska and Hawaii and that he does a lot of business in the Caribbean. When it comes to value, the market has determined that such demolition is, in fact, worth the effort. When completed, Marks says the Metro Spirit board will sell for approximately four times what traditional flooring would sell for.

Because the Metro Spirit board is too long to go through the entire process, workers use a traditional chainsaw to cut the plank in two.

From the de-nailing station, the plank goes to the resaw, otherwise known as the Big Green Machine, which reduces its thickness. Here, the Metro Spirit board ends up in three separate pieces as well as the skinned surface.

The first step in the process after demolition and transport involves de-nailing. Using pipes to straighten out the seriously old-school nails and hammers to pound them back out of the wood, workers methodically remove all the metal from the planks, which can take 10 or 15 minutes a board. After removing the large nails, they wave handheld metal detectors over the surface of the planks to find any smaller nails, which they remove with specialized nail pullers. From here, the boards are moved to the ripsaw, which squares the edges. Of all the machines in Occasionally, a nail is burrowed so deep that it has to be chiseled out. the 100,000-square-foot building, the ripsaw looks the most conventional. Marks has three grades of antique flooring, and, in many cases, the Though far more utilitarian and far less dramatic than the mills, the building is an impressive, distressed nature left by the nail holes adds to the desirability. Certainly, roomy structure with an impossibly smooth floor spotted with occasional piles of swept sawdust. it adds to the conversational aspect of the flooring. The air is rich with the smell of wood.

5 The sophisticated, German-built molder cuts the Metro Spirit board down to its final size. Because our board has been selected to be a more rustic “dirty top” finish, it needs to go through the molder twice in order to keep the surface the way it is. “It used to be everything we did was dressed on the face,” Marks says. “Now, the new trend it going to this rustic look. It’s going into homes, restaurants — even Saks Fifth Avenue in Atlanta. Everyone is looking for something different.”

After the molder, an employee uses a florescent crayon to mark off the areas of imperfection. An optical scanner registers these cuts and directs an automated chop saw to cut away the imperfections, sending lengths of board to the end matcher, one of only two of its size in the nation, to make the tongue and groove for the ends. The automated chop saw, Marks says, is an example of safety-mindedness. While the building is filled with sharp blades whirring at unimaginable speeds, it is a surprisingly safe environment. Though all the employees wear work gloves, everyone appears to have all of their fingers.

Charles Marks and the final result — the Metro Spirit board — which will be shipped to a buyer in Texas.

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 13

Sibley Mill

Augusta’s Showpiece on the canal

Though the Avondale Mill in Tifton was built roughly 20 years after Augusta’s Sibley Mill, the two were once owned by the same company. In Tifton’s case, the mill was sold for demolition, while, in Augusta, Sibley to the Canal Authority for preservation. “Avondale disposed of their assets company-wide, and it’s such a prominent skyline feature for the city that we felt we were probably in a better position to kind of stabilize it until the economy turns,” says Dayton Sherrouse, executive director of the Augusta Canal Authority. “Hopefully, we can find a developer that will be willing to undertake the historic rehabilitation of it.” Sherrouse characterizes the Canal Authority’s involvement as stepping in to prevent the historic building from deteriorating purely from neglect. “Our plan is not to own it long-term, although in this current environment, short term may be a little longer than

14 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

what we had originally envisioned,” Sherrouse says. The massive structure, with its prominent 125-foot central towers, was built in the early 1880s by a group led by Josiah Sibley. In 1921 controlling interest was sold to the Graniteville Company, which later became Avondale Mills. By the mid-1890s, the mill had 40,000 spindles, 1,109 looms and consumed 8.5 million pounds of cotton a year. A year after the Graniteville chlorine spill that killed nine people in 2005, Avondale closed all its mills, which caused Sibley to languish for the first time in its history. It was optioned by Clay Boardman, the developer responsible for current incarnation of Enterprise Mill, but the economic downturn caused Boardman to change his mind about the property, and the Canal Authority decided to buy it last August. Since then, the Canal Authority has been fixing leaks and boarding

up windows while also operating a hydroelectric plant that generates not only the electricity to operate the security lighting, but enough income to help finance the repairs. The Canal Authority sells the excess electricity back to Georgia Power. The Canal Authority also owns neighboring King Mill, which it leases to Standard Textile. Sherrouse says such an operational fate, though desirable, is unlikely for Sibley. “Our preference would be to have a textile operation there, but the chance of that happening is pretty slim,” he says. “Most likely it will have to be some kind of mixed use development [like Enterprise Mill, which has offices and residential units], but whether Sibley could ultimately become something like that, we don’t know.” For now, the Canal Authority is simply trying to stabilize the building, though the fact that the massive structure is across the canal from

Augusta’s newest massive structure, the Kroc Center, might help tip the scales. “With the investment the Kroc Center is making there and all the interest in Harrisburg, I think that is very positive for the ultimate reuse of Sibley Mill,” he says. According to the Historic American Engineering Record, the bricks from the Confederate Powder Works, which was a gunpowder factory for the Confederacy and shared the same site as the mill, were sold to the mill for $5 per thousand. Today, only the 150-foot chimney remains, but Sherrouse says the area continues to feel the Powder Works legacy. The lead that is in the soil is not from the textile operation, but from the powder works. “One of the questions you get asked is — is there a responsible party to the contamination,” he says. “Unless we can find the gold bouillon everyone has been looking for — no, there is no responsible party.”

THE RIGHT TIRE

CHANGES

EVERYTHING $10 anything off

must present coupon | limit one per customer | expires 5/19/11

In and out in under 60 minutes

TIRE TOWN

Under New Management: Owner Bob Williams | Manager: Chris Hiers

Our family serving your family since 1952

1854 Gordon Highway | 706.738.3374

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 15

Kentucky Derby Maxim by a nose Mastering the fillies and stallions

Billy Powers

16 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

From the look of things, Maxim magazine’s Kentucky Derby party left its Masters Party in the backstretch. Or on the back nine. A quick look at the media reports — apparently the media reporters themselves got into the mint juleps and have yet to surface for work — suggests the Derby bash scored big. For one thing, it had a better name. While spending some time in the Maxim Country Club conveyed a certain sophistication, it lacked the sweaty, animalistic satisfaction of crashing your way into to the Fillies and Stallions party. For another thing, it had more to offer celebrity-wise than a former “American Idol” winner. The Louisville party, held at the Mellwood Arts Center, had Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers, celebrity chef Bobby Flay, ESPN hottie Erin Andrews and Olympic skier Bode Miller. Not only that, it also had the “Most Interesting Man in the World” from those Dos Equis commercials. While the entertainment writers might still be down for the count, we did manage to find Tony Singleton, a turf writer for louisville.com, to give us a firsthand account of the party. Louisville.com is a 15-year-old website that serves as Louisville’s “where to go and what to do” online advisor. “Realistically, I think it was a good attempt at a Derby Party theme and pretty successful,” he said. “We have parties that have been around for 20 years that all the celebs seem to go to.” Unlike the Masters Maxim party, which had no competition, Singleton says the other parties seemed to help out the Derby party’s bad boy image, since many of the celebs treated it as their last stop of the night. The Masters party ended at 1 a.m. And then, of course, there were the girls. Instead of really hot caddies they had really hot jockeys, complete with tight argyle sweaters, short black skirts, thigh-high boots and riding crops. “I don’t think they were bussed in like you guys,” Singleton said. “I think they pulled them from around town.” Unintentional slam aside, Singleton said

the party was pretty well received by the community. Tickets were officially going for $500 a piece, though brokers were reportedly selling them for $750 to $850. According to Maxim, about 500 people attended the party, though there was no breakdown on how many were fillies and how many were stallions (or geldings). “It was a nice party,” Singleton said. “I’m in my 30s, so I felt slightly out of place, but we [writers] spend all day Friday at the track — then all these parties — and then back to the track on Saturday, so I didn’t stay for the whole thing.”

Erin Andrews

Metro Spirit: I’m trying to get in touch with Peanut? Clear Channel: I don’t have an extension for him. The only thing I can do is give you a request line number. MS: I can’t seem to get an answer on that number. I’m trying to get in touch with him about Bobby Brown. So he’s not in today? CC: Not that I’m aware of. MS: Any idea how to get in touch with him? CC: The only way we’re told to give out a number is by the request line. MS: Well, no one answers the request line. CC: You just have to keep trying. MS: Any idea about Bobby Brown coming to town? CC: No sir I don’t. MS: Ahhhh...

ARE YOU NOT EN TER TAINED ?

Metro Spirit: Hey, I heard the Mighty Peanut say Bobby Brown is coming to town. Clear Channel: Umm that’s not our station so I can’t tell you who’s comin’. MS: I heard him say that Doug E Fresh and Bobby Brown were definitely coming… that’s not… CC: I... I... don’t know. Like I said that’s not our station. I don’t listen to that station at all. MS: But y’all haven’t announced who’s gonna be a Mayfest yet? CC: They are announcing, it’s on the radio. MS: Oh, like right now? CC: They played it, it’s a commercial on the station. I don’t listen to... uhh, I listen to gospel. And we have five stations. So there are announcements coming but some of the people coming is on the radio. MS: Oh, okay, but you don’t listen to it. CC: Umm... they have Foxie, WAKB old school, we have radio talk, and southern gospel. MS: Okay, so I’ll listen to Foxie to find out.

Eagle 105.7: Eagle... Metro Spirit: Uh, yeah, do you know if Bobby Brown is coming to town? E: (long, long pause) Bobby Brown? MS: Yeah, I heard the Mighty Peanut talking about Bobby Brown was coming to town. E: Ahhhh... I can neither confirm nor deny that. MS: Is Bobby Brown, is the Mighty Peanut, he’s in y’alls radio group isn’t he? E: Yeah, he’s uh, he’s over at a uh, uh, uh Kiss96. MS: If he says, if the Mighty Peanut says Bobby Brown is coming to town is that good enough, can I believe that? E: I would take his word for it. MS: So you say the Peanut’s word is good? E: Yeah, I haven’t had anything specifically come across my desk tellin’ me that that is gonna happen, but ah, if Mighty Peanut says it, I would give credence to it. MS: Okay, thank you. E: No problem.

Round and Round in Circles Getting information out of local radio stations is a little bit like herding cats... or riding 37 miles on a bike. That’s what we discovered when we heard that Bobby Brown was coming to MayFest on Saturday, May 21. So while everyone’s waiting around for local stations to make their big announcements and get their acts together (literally!), we’ll spend this Saturday, May 15, at the 19th Annual Lock to Lock Ride, which begins at 2:30 p.m. at the Savannah Rapids Pavilion and offers an 18.5 or a 37-mile route along the Augusta Canal. A tasty meal from Takosushi at the 18.5-mile mark will tide us over to the finish. Of course Bobby’s gear is not up to code if he plans on riding the Lock to Lock. It’s the organizer’s prerogative to require headgear. And if anyone needs to protect his melon, it’s Mr. Brown.

Foxie: Foxie 103, hello? Metro Spirit: Hey, I was trying to find out is uh Bobby Brown coming to town? F: Uh not that I know of. MS: How can I find that out? F: Uh, You can Google it. MS: I did, didn’t show up anything. F: I hadn’t heard anything about it. MS: I heard Peanut say he was coming to town. F. I don’t know. Alright thanks for checking in.

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 17

calendar Arts

ArtatLunch,featuringDr.Edmund Taylor and historian Alexander Moore discussing their recent book, “Selected Letters of Anna Heyward Taylor,” is Friday, May 13, at noon. They will sign copies of the book following lunch. Members, $10; nonmembers, $14. Lunch will be provided. Pre-registration required. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Art in the Park 2011 will be Saturday, May 14, from 10 a.m.5 p.m. Artists will showcase their talents at the Memorial Garden and Amphitheater adjacent to the Columbia County Library. Free. Email info@columbiacountyarts.org or visit columbiacountyarts.org. Adult Artist Workshop at the Morris Museum of Art is Saturday, May 14, from 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m., and Sunday, May 15, from noon-4:30 p.m. Participants will learn the art of etching using the solar plate process with instructor Amelia Brooks. Members, $70; nonmembers, $85. Pre-registration required. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Sunday Sketch at the Morris Museum of Art is Sunday, May 15, from 2-3:30 p.m. Sketch in the galleries, with materials supplied by the museum. Check-in in the activity room. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Terra Cognita at the Morris Museum of Art, featuring New Yorkbased artist Daniel Rozin discussing his high-tech installations and sculptures, is on Thursday, May 19, at 6 p.m. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Call 803-441-4380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com.

Exhibitions

Art Greene Exhibit and Opening

18 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Reception at Sacred Heart Cultural Center will be held Thursday, May 12, from 5-7 p.m. The opening reception will display Greene’s photography, which will be on display through June 30. Call 706826-4700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org.

Literary

Sylvia Ramsey Book Signing will be held Thursday, May 12, from 4-6 p.m. at Inner Bean on Davis Road. Ramsey is the author of “Merchild Land,” an illustrated children’s book in verse form. Call 706-951-7893.

“I Will Tell You a Place: Paintings by Brian Rutenberg” shows through May 15 at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

Friends of the Augusta Public Library Book Sale is Saturday, May 14, from 10 a.m.-1 p.m. at the Appleby Branch Library. Call 706-736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org.

Painter,PhotographerandVideo Artist Christopher Kuhl will display his work in the second floor gallery at the Headquarters Branch Library throughout the month of May. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Cynthia Cox Exhibition of landscapes in pastel and oil shows throughout the month of May at the Aiken Center for the Arts. Call 803-2780709 or visit aikenartistguild.org. “Resonance,” works by Mexican artist Rocío Maldonado, shows through May 27 at the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art and a fully illustrated catalogue of the artist’s work will accompany the exhibition and is available for $10. Call 706-722-5495 or visit ghia.org.

Music

Michael W. Smith performs at Millbrook Baptist Church on Friday, May 13, at 7 p.m. General admission, $23; VIP tickets, $45. Tickets are available by phone, online or at Family Christian Store, Lifeway Christian Store, Millbrook Baptist Church and WAFJ Studios. Call 866-440-7880 or visit wafj.com. AikenBluegrassFestival,featuring Bid Daddy Bluegrass Band, Dehlia Low, Doug and the Henrys and more, will be at the Highfields in Aiken FridaySaturday, May 13-14. $15-$60. Visit aikenbluegrassfestival.com. Pops! Under the Stars with Symphony Orchestra Augusta is Saturday, May 14, at 6:30 p.m. at University Health Care Systems’ Evans campus. Free. Visit universityhealth.org or soaugusta.org. Music at the Morris, featuring

Poetic Seance, an event in which the public is invited to read their own poetry or the work of others, is Saturday, May 14 or May 28, at 2 p.m. at the Friedman Branch Library. Call 706-7366758 or visit ecgrl.org. Registration is going on now for summer camps at the Aiken Center for the Arts. Available for ages 4 and up, campers fifth grade and older will study art forms including manga. Call 803-641-9094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org.

David Brown performing classical favorites, is on Sunday, May 15, at 2 p.m. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. The Augusta Children’s Chorale will present its spring concert on Sunday, May 15, at 4 p.m. at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased from any ACC singer, by calling the office or at the door. Call 706-826-4718 or visit augustachildrenschorale.org. Midday Music, in the sanctuary of First Presbyterian Church at the corner of Laurens and Barnwell streets in Aiken, is on Thursday, May 19, from noon-1 p.m. Free. Lunch is available for $8 per person. Call 803-648-2662 or visit aikenpresbyterian.org. Hopelands Summer Concert Series is each Monday evening, MayAugust, at 7 p.m. at Hopelands Gardens in Aiken. Call 803-642-7630 or visit aiken.net/hopelandsgarden.html.

CSRA Writers will meet Monday, May 16, at 6:30 p.m. at Borders. Writers needing a support group are invited to attend and bring 10 copies of a manuscript to be critiqued. Call 706-737-6962. Monday Night Book Club, this month featuring “Ape House” by Sara Gruen, meets May 16 at 6:30 p.m. at the Columbia County Library. Call 706-8631946 or visit columbiacountyga.gov. Brown Bag Book Club, this month featuring “Winds of Change” by Martha Grims, meets Thursday, May 19, at 11:30 a.m. at the Columbia County Library. Call 706-863-1946 or visit columbiacountyga.gov. Harlem Book Club, this month featuring “Plain Perfect” by Beth Wiseman, meets Thursday, May 19, at 4 p.m. at the Harlem Branch Library. Call Call 706-556-9795 or visit columbiacountyga.gov. NOOK Tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a NOOKcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. Call 706-737-0012 or visit bn.com.

Theater

“Becky’s New Car,” a production of the Fort Gordon Dinner Theatre, shows May 13-14, 20-21 and 26-28.

Dinner is served at 7 p.m., and the rated PG-13 comedy about a middle-aged woman who gets a shot at a new life begins at 8 p.m. Tickets are $25-$38. Call 706-793-8552 or visit fortgordon.com. “Quickies,” the 10-minute play festival at Le Chat Noir, is Friday and Saturday, May 13-14, at 8 p.m. The cast features both veteran actors and newcomers, including players from Schrodinger’s Cat, Misfit Theatre Group and Augusta State University Theatre Department. $10. 706-722-3322 or visit lcnaugusta.com. “A Petersburg Boat Pilot,” part of the Voices of the Past Museum Theater Series of character monologues, this one based on oral histories provided by an Elberton, Ga., resident, is Saturday, May 14, at 11:30 a.m., 12:30 p.m. and 1:30 p.m. Free with admission. Call 706722-8454 or visit augustamuseum.org.

Dance

Ballroom in Motion Second Saturday Dance Party is Saturday, May 17, from 7:30-11 p.m. $10 per person. Call 706-414-6381 or visit ballroominmotion.com. Friday Dance is every Friday night from 8:30-11 p.m. at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans. $5. Call 706854-8888 or visit thebdc.us. Christian Singles Dance, for ages 18 and over, is every Saturday night at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans from 7-11 p.m. $8-$10. Call 706-8548888 or visit thebdc.us.

Flix

The Southeastern Filmmakers meeting will be held Tuesday, May 17, at 6:30 p.m. at Lost in the 50s in Belvedere, S.C. Email henndude@yahoo.com or visit southeasternfilmakers.com. “Somewhere” shows Tuesday, May 17, at 6:30 p.m. as part of the Movies @ Headquarters series at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. “James Brown: Soul Survivor” shows throughout May at the Augusta Museum of History as part of the museum’s History Theater Film Series. Free with admission. Call 706-722-8454 or visit augustamuseum.org.

Special Events

Asthma and Wellness Event, sponsored by MCGHealth Children’s Medical Center and Kohl’s, is from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. on Saturday, May 14, at the Kohl’s parking lot in Evans. The

free event for children and families will feature interactive safety topics, including asthma screening and education. Visit kohls.com/cares. BackPorchShrimpBoil,presented by Edgefield County Theatre Company and featuring blues musicians Shrimp City Slim and Mike Stewart, is on Saturday, May 14, at 4 p.m. at the William Miller Bouknight Theatre’s back porch in Edgefield, S.C. $25, including lowcountry boil dinner. Pre-registration required. Call 803-637-3833. TheFirstAnniversaryCelebration of Bishop Staley and the Appointed, featuring recording artist Lee Williams and the Spiritual QCs, is presented by Fellowship Churches United on Saturday May 14, at 5 p.m. at Aiken Technical College’s gymnasium in Graniteville. Admission is $21 in advance or $25 at the door. Call 803-508-0082 or 706-504-4951. Kevin Hart’s Laugh at My Pain Tour visits the James Brown Arena on Saturday, May 14, at 8 p.m. Call 877-4AUGTIX or visit augustaentertainmentcomplex.com. DuPont Planetarium presents More Than Meets the Eye Saturday, May 14, at 8 p.m. Visitors will learn how they can identify objects in the sky using the naked eye, binoculars and telescopes. Call 803-641-3654 or visit usca.edu/ rpsec/planetarium/. TheAikenGardenShow,featuring speakers, workshops and tours of private gardens, is May 20-21. Tickets are $18 in advance or $20 at the door. Call 803641-6777 or visit aikengardenshow.com. Brick Yard Market is each Friday from 6-9 p.m. at Hammond’s Ferry in North Augusta and features fresh produce and goods, as well as live music in front of Manuel’s Bread Cafe. Call 803-380-1323 or visit hammondsferry.com. Saturday Market at the River, located at 8th Street Plaza, downtown Augusta, is each Saturday, April 16Oct. 29, from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. Visit theaugustamarket.com.

Health

Free Oral Cancer Screenings are on Thursday, May 12, from 8:30-11:45 a.m. at the MCGHealth Cancer Center. Pre-registration required. Call 706-7216744 or visit mcghealth.org. Car Seat Class will be held Thursday, May 12, from 5:45-8 p.m. in MCGHealth Building 1010C. $10. Preregistration required. Call 706-721-7606 or visit mcghealth.org.

WeekendChildbirthEducationis Friday, May 13, from 6:30-9:30 p.m., and Saturday, May 14, from 9 a.m.-5:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-7742825 or visit universityhealth.org. Short and Sweet, a weekend childbirth class, will be held SaturdaySunday, May 14-15, from 9 a.m.-4:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net. Baby Care Basics and Breastfeeding is a class at Trinity Hospital of Augusta on Saturday, May 14, from 9 a.m.-noon. Pre-registration required. Call 706-481-7727 or visit trinityofaugusta.com. MCGHealth Childbirth Tour, guiding expectant parents through the Labor and Delivery and Mother/Baby units, is Saturday, May 14, from 10:3011:30 a.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. Diabetes Education, a free community health education class, is Saturday, May 14, at 1:30 p.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Preregistration is encouraged. Call 706-7722432 or visit ecgrl.org. Total Joint Replacement Class is Tuesday, May 17, from 1-3 p.m. at University Hospital’s Levi Hill III Auditorium. Call 706-774-2760 or visit universityhealth.org. Breastfeeding Class at MCGHealth is Tuesday, May 17, from 7-9 p.m. in the Ambulatory Care Center, room 5306. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. Breastfeeding Class is Thursday, May 19, from 7-9 p.m. at Babies R Us. Sponsored by University Hospital. Preregistration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit universityhealth.org. Infant CPR Class is Thursday, May 19, from 7-8:30 p.m. at University Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-774-2825 or visit universityhealth.org. Joint Efforts, an informational class about knee and hip pain causes and treatments sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday at 11 a.m. at Augusta Orthopaedic Clinic. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com.

Support

ALS Support Lunch and Learn is Thursday, May 12, from 11 a.m.-1:30 p.m. in MCGHealth Medical Office Building’s fourth floor, room 4306. Lunch is provided. Pre-registration

required. Call 706-721-2681 or visit mcghealth.org. Breast Cancer Support Group meets Thursday, May 12, from 5:30-7:30 p.m. in MCGHealth’s Cancer Center’s first floor community room. Call 706721-4109 or visit mcghealth.org. Look Good, Feel Better Support Group at Aiken Regional Medical Center is Monday, May 16, from 1-2:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 803-6416044 or visit aikenregional.com. Essential Tremors Support Group is held at St. Paul’s Lutheran Church on Monday, May 16, at 2 p.m. Call 803226-0338 or visit aikenregional.com. Men’s Support Group: Social Skills Build Self-Esteem is registering now for meetings which will take place every other Monday night, beginning, May 16, from 6-7:30 p.m. Held at Family Counseling Center of CSRA, it is for those who suffer from social anxiety, making friends, phone fear or problems that make it tough to fit in. Closed to the public once meetings start. Call 706-8685011 or visit fcccsra.org. Oral, Head and Neck Cancer Support Group will meet Tuesday, May 17, from 6-7:30 p.m. at the MCGHealth Cancer Center. For more information call 706-721-0550 or visit mcghealth.org. Trauma Support Group will meet Wednesday, May 18, from noon-1 p.m. Call 706-721-0278 or visit mcghealth.org. Cancer Support Group at Aiken Regional Medical Center will meet Wednesday, May 18, from 3-4 p.m. in the First Baptist Church parlor. Call 803-641-5389 or 803-649-5433, or visit aikenregional.com. Skip To My Lupus meets at Aiken Regional Medical Center’s Dining Room A on Thursday, May 19, from 7-9 a.m. Call 803-282-9193 or visit aikenregional.com. Alzheimer’s Support Group meets Thursday, May 19, at 3 p.m. at Westwood Nursing Facility in Evans. Call 706-863-7514 or visit universityhealth.org. BloodCancer/Stem CellSupport Group will meet Thursday, May 19, from 5:30-7 p.m. in MCGHealth Cancer Center’s first floor community room. For more information call 706-721-1634 or visit mcghealth.org. Moms Connection meets every Tuesday from 1-2 p.m. at 1225 Walton Way (the old Fairway Ford dealership), room 1010C. Pre-registration required. METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 19

Full Service Washes (We Vacuum)

AUGUSTA MALL

Across from the mall • 706.738.1300

Express Washes (You Vacuum) Detail Services • Oil Changes

MARTINEZ

Across from K-MART • 706.868.1550

20%

Across from Evans Cinema • 706.868.1450

ADDED TO EVERY

Windsor Spring Rd. • 706.793.3762

BONUS VALUE

GIFT CARD

PURCHCHASE HURRY OFFER ENDS SOON

EVANS

SOUTH AUGUSTA

WASHINGTON ROAD

Next to Red Lobster • 706.738.0753

TOPNOTCHEXPRESSCARWASH.COM 20 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meets each Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. in Suite 110 of Medical Office Building 2, 3624 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Call 706651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Education

Beginning Computer is a class at the Wallace Branch Library on Tuesday, May 17, at 6 p.m. Free, but preregistration required. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. Sierra Club meeting, featuring speakers from Savannah Riverkeeper about Georgia’s water wars, is Tuesday, May 17, at 6:30 p.m. at Augusta’s Unitarian Universalist Church’s Meeting Room. Email gordonjudith@att.net. Finding Money for College, a seminar about post-secondary grants, loans and scholarships, is Tuesday, May 17, at 6:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch

Online Job Searching is a computer class at the Wallace Branch Library that meets Thursday, May 19, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org.

Benefits

Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 10 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of money or a personal item which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or visit justbreathestudio.com.

Sports-Outdoors

Waterworks Raw Water Pumping Station parking lot. Call 706-823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com. TheAugustaGreenJacketsplaythe Greenville Drive Tuesday-Thursday, May 17-19, at 7:05 p.m. at Lake Olmstead Stadium. $1-$13. Call 706-922-WINS or visit greenjacketsbaseball.com. Sixth Annual FORE the Kids Golf Tournament, a benfit for Junior Acheivement, is at Houndslake Country Club on Wednesday, May 18. Registration and lunch are at 11:30 a.m. Shotgun start is at at 1 p.m. Call 706736-3070 or visit georgia.ja.org.

Rock-indie guitarist and vocalist Joe Stevenson performs at the Augusta Canal’s Moonlight Music Cruise on Friday, May 13, at 7 p.m. $25 per seat, with pre-registration required. Call 706823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com.

Group Run begins each Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. at Nacho Mama’s. Threeand four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Call 706-414-4059 or email jim@ enduranceconcepts.com.

Marine Mud Challenge is Saturday, May 14, at 9 a.m. at Fort Gordon. $30. Call 706-399-1888 or visit fortgordon.com.

Hockey Skills & Drills is every Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Augusta Ice Sports Center. $10-$15. Call 706-8630061 or visit augustaicesports.com.

every Tuesday and Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at the Julian Smith Casino ballpark. New players are welcome. Email arj6402@ yahoo.com. Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Call 706-7246777 or visit andyjordans.com. Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6 p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706-826-5809 or visit wrh.org. Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered daily at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m. Saturday Sunset Cruises, lasting three hours, are at 5 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com.

Kids

All About Frogs, an indooroutdoor program at the Reed Creek Nature Park, is Friday, May 13, from 8:30-9:30 p.m. For ages 5 and up. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. Camouflage in Nature, an animal program at the Reed Creek Nature Park, is Saturday, May 14, from 11 a.m.-noon For ages 5 and up. Pre-registration required. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. Parent’s Night Out at Family Y of Aiken County is Saturday, May 14, from 6-9:30 p.m. For children ages 2-12, cost is $10 per child for members; $15 for nonmembers. Pre-registration at any Family Y location is required, or visit thefamilyy.org. Shrimp City Slim will entertain those who attend Edgefield County Theatre Company’s Back Porch Shrimp Boil on Saturday, May 14, at 4 p.m. Call 803-637-3833.

Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org. Email, a free computer class at the Headquarters Branch Library, is Wednesday, May 18, at 10 a.m. Preregistration required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Computer Hardware Basics is a two-session class at Diamond Lakes Branch Library that meets Thursdays, May 19 and 26, at 10 a.m. Free, but preregistration required. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.

The 19th Annual Lock to Lock Ride is Sunday, May 15, at 2:30 p.m. Starting at the Savannah Rapids Pavilion, the ride offers an 18.5 or a 37-mile route along the Augusta Canal with a meal from Takosushi at the 18.5mile mark. Pre-registration, required, by May 12 at 6 p.m., is $25; day-of-event registration is $35. All riders must wear a helmet. Call 706-724-6777 or visit andyjordans.com. GoingNative,aseminaronNative Americans and indigenous plants, is Saturday, May 14, at 10 a.m. or Sunday, May 15, at 3 p.m. and begins at Augusta

Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit chainreactionbicycles.net. RiverviewDiscGolfLeaguemeets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-215-8181 or visit augustadiscgolf.com. AugustaRugbyFootballClubmeets

Tea on the Avenue at the Stewart House is on Sunday, May 15, at 2 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. Adult tickets, $8; child tickets, $6. Tickets are available at the Nancy Carson Library. Call 803-2795767 or visit abbe-lib.org. All About Birds, a nature program at Reed Creek Nature Park, is Tuesday, May 17, from 4:30-5:30 p.m. For ages 5 and up. Pre-registration required. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. Kids Dance Party is Wednesday, May 18, at 10 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library and is for kids of all ages, who are invited to dance the Cha-Cha, the Slide, the Macarena, the Limbo and more. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 21

I Like Myself Story Time at the Maxwell Branch Library is Wednesday, May 18, at 10 a.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org.

songs, games and more, is each Tuesday at 10 a.m. Pre-registration required for groups of six or more. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.

PondExploration,awetandmuddy program at Reed Creek Nature Park, is Thursday May 19, from 4:30-5:30 p.m. For ages 5 and up. Free, but Preregistration required. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com.

The Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages 5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at the Augusta Soccer Park. Call 706-8540149 or visit augustasoccer.com.

Family Y Day Camps, at all area branches, run weekly thoughout the summer beginning May 23. For ages 5-17, pre-registration is required for all camps, and a deposit of $15 per child per week is charged upon initial enrollment in a camp program. Register at any Family Y location or online at thefamilyy.org. Summer Art Camps at the Aiken Center for the Arts, for those ages 4 and up, will be conducted weekly June 20 through July 25 and feature a different theme each week. Half-day and full-day programs available. $117$193.50 for members and $130-$215 for non-members. Pre-registration is going on now. Call 803-641-9094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. Story Time at Diamond Lakes Branch Library, including books, stories,

Storytime in the Gardens, a free program for children 8 and under, is held Tuesdays through May at 4 p.m. in Hopelands Gardens in Aiken. Free. Call 803-642-7630 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. ToddlerTime,freeplayforchildren ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:30-11:30 a.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m. and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the children’s department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. Call 706-7370012 or visit bn.com.

HomeschoolPlaygroupmeetseach Thursday at 10:30 a.m. at Creighton Park in North Augusta. Call 803-613-0484.

Seniors

Games for Seniors at the Weeks Center in Aiken include Rummikub each Thursday from 9 a.m.-noon, Mahjong each Thursday from 1-4 p.m., Bridge each Friday from 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m., Bingo each Tuesday at 9 a.m., Pinochle each Tuesday from 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; and Canasta on Tuesdays and Fridays from 11:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Call 803-6427631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Ceramics Class if offered at 9 a.m. on Mondays or Wednesdays and 6 p.m. on Mondays or Tuesdays at the Weeks Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Fit 4 Ever is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10-11 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Yoga I and II is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 8:45-9:45 a.m. and on Mondays and Wednesdays from 5:30-6:30 p.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

THE RIGHT TIRE

CHANGES

EVERYTHING

$10 anything off

must present coupon | limit one per customer | expires 5/19/11

In and out in under 60 minutes

TIRE TOWN

Under New Management: Owner Bob Williams | Manager: Chris Hiers

Our family serving your family since 1952

1854 Gordon Highway | 706.738.3374 22 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Hobbies

The Augusta Coin Club, Inc. will meet Thursday, May 19, at 6:30 p.m. America’s Best Value Inn, Washington Road. Call 706-829-5484 or visit augustacoinclub.com. Augusta Genealogical Society meets every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday at 9 a.m. and Sundays from 2-5 p.m. at the society’s Adamson Library, 1109 Broad St. Free. Call 706-722-4073. Georgia-Carolina Toastmasters Meeting, for those who want to brush up on their public speaking skills, is every Wednesday at noon at the Cotton Patch downtown. Free. Call 803-593-6605. FrenchClubmeetseachThursday at 7 p.m. at Borders. Free. 706-737-6962. If you would like to see your organization’s events listed in our calendar, please email Amy Christian at amy@themetrospirit.com. The deadline for each Thursday’s issue is the previous Friday at noon.

THE

BOX TOPS

“Thor”’s hammer smashes “Fast Five”’s cars to take the top spot over the weekend. RANK TITLE

WEEKEND GROSS TOTAL GROSS

WEEK #

LAST WEEK

THOR

$66,000,000

FAST FIVE

$32,519,000

$139,853,000

JUMPING THE BROOM

$13,700,000

SOMETHING BORROWED

$13,155,000

RIO

$8,200,000

$114,902,000

“Something Borrowed” Sam Eifling We know what to do with Kate Hudson... Oh, my, what to do with Kate Hudson. If you were her friend in any of the movies in which she plays a post-sorority status-hungry bride-to-be, you’d want to see her married off into oblivion, too. Get a ring around that finger and maybe you get the shot glass out of her cleavage. In “Something Borrowed,” as the aggressively narcissistic Darcy, she’s the gal pal you wouldn’t introduce to a gentleman. Yet that’s just what her best friend Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) inadvertently does, and romance ensues. The resulting love triangle feels relatively authentic, but, too bad for “Something Borrowed,” it contains not enough wit or pith to make us much care what happens. By the time “Something Borrowed” picks up the story, the trio’s fate appears sealed: Dex (Colin Egglesfield) and Darcy, cheerfully betrothed, are anchoring a birthday party for Rachel, the attorney next door with a splash of mousy thrown in. She has an office with her name on the window but reaches her 30th feeling like she has wasted her 20s.

Seeing her despondent, Dex drags her out for one last drink, which leads to her confessing that she had a crush on him in law school, which leads to a cab ride backseat makeout session, which leads to him scrambling to find pants when they awake in her bed the next morning. Now the quandary: Does Dex stand pat with the firecracker blonde? Or ditch for the adorable brunette? To its credit “Something Borrowed” doubles down fairly early: Dex and Rachel dig each other, and because Dex is neither a wildebeest tamer nor Bret Michaels, he’s clearly better off with Rachel than with Darcy. But Darcy is still Dex’s fiancée and Rachel’s bestie. At least the film gives us enough credit to consider the real repercussions of a maid of honor

shagging the groom a few weeks before the wedding. Dex’s blue blood (a glimpse of the wedding invite reveals that he’s a III) won’t let him behave like a redblooded romantic that easily. “Something Borrowed” leaves its secondary characters to commit most of the laughs. Ashley Williams is a quiet scene-stealer as a sex-hungry bridesmaid with her eye on Ethan (“The Office”’s John Krasinski, sans his usual understated cockiness), the good-natured writer friend who keeps his hands to himself but dispenses advice freely. Steve Howey is a relief as a horndog stoner named Marcus. Yes, there are some grins here. But ultimately the downfall of “Something Borrowed” is its tone. Its treacly piano

score hints that we need a hankie, but the 1994-vintage soundtrack urges its target demographic to remember its first high school keg party. It also never quite figures out its stance on its settings, New York City and the Hamptons. Gotham used to grow cinema’s most vibrant characters, its boldest ideas. Now director Luke Greenfield can only distinguish himself as an anti-Scorsese, a non-Rob Reiner, a Woody Allen’t. Aside from a couple of giddy aerial shots at sunset, there’s not a single concept or view of New York here befitting the city’s stature. No one you meet in this movie is motivated by a Real Thought of any kind. Instead, these bland, hollow people are Greek Weeking their way though the capital of the world with a solipsistic nonchalance that gives even brain-dead bourgeoisie a bad name. They muffle the drama of “Something Borrowed,” but, to be fair, at least it was jerks like these who once succeeded in making “Cloverfield” such a smashing comedy.

MOVIE REVIEW METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 23

it’s time to rock.

E T LA HT NIG

Opening Friday, May 13 Comedy “Bridesmaids,” rated R, starring Kristin Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne. Wiig plays reluctant maid of honor to fellow SNL alum Rudolph’s bride in this movie, produced by “Knocked Up”’s Judd Apatow. Can these girls get as raunchy as the guys from “The Hangover”? Have yous seen the movie poster?

Horror “Priest, rated PG-13, starring Paul Bettany. A warrior priest leads a crusade against vampires to get his captured niece back. Poor Paul Bettany... he used to have a real career as an actor. Now he just plays avenging priests and angels.

! G N I W AT THE AL MUSIC, LIVE LOC DJS & MORE! OKE,

Washington Road just past I-20 • 706-364-WILD (9453) w w w. w i l d w i n g c a f e . c o m 24 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Pic

Thursday Jeremy Graham Band Friday Night Rocks Tony Williams Band Saturday Blue Jeans Brunch 11am-3pm Postcard Fiction Sunday Blue Jeans Brunch 11am-3pm TJ Mimbs Acoustic

ek e W e h t f o k

RA TRIVIA, KA

On the Waterfront (1954) Marlon Brando, back when he was Marlon Brando — the best actor alive. He plays an ex-prize fighter battling the corrupt union… on the waterfront. Great pacing and cinematography. See it if all you know about Marlon Brando is he looked like he would sweat gravy. Chinatown (1974) Log Justo try to take your eyes off of Jack Nicholson in this G upithedscreen classic. He chewsu in this Roman Polanski e corruption thriller about “incest and municipalli related to ne ofallNicholson’s the city’s water supply.” Whew! Sexy. One s best performances and a damn challenging movie. — MS

THE8ERS Going to the movies this weekend? Here’s what’s playing. The Big Mo thebigmo.com May 13-14 Main Field: Thor (PG-13) and True Grit (PG-13); Screen 2: Fast Five (PG13) and Source Code (PG-13) Screen 3: Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) and Rio (G). Gates open at 7 p.m.; shows begin at 8:30 p.m. (approximately)

Masters 7 Cinemas georgiatheatrecompany.com May 13 Arthur (PG-13) 4:20, 7:20, 9:45; Hop (PG) 5:10, 7:30, 9:50; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 5:20, 7:40, 9:55; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 4:30, 7:10, 9:40; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 4, 7, 9:35; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (PG-13) 6:50, 9:30; I Am Number Four (PG-13) 4:10, 6:40, 9:25; Gnomeo and Juliet (G) 4:45 May 14 Arthur (PG-13) 1, 4:20, 7:20, 9:45; Hop (PG) 12:40, 2:55, 5:10, 7:30, 9:50; Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (PG) 12:50, 3:05, 5:20, 7:40, 9:55; Sucker Punch (PG-13) 1:40, 4:30, 7:10, 9:40; Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13) 1:10, 4, 7, 9:35; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (PG-13) 6:50, 9:30; I Am Number Four (PG-13) 1:20, 4:10, 6:40, 9:25; Gnomeo and Juliet (G) 1:30, 4:45

Regal Augusta Exchange regmovies.com May 13 Bridesmaids (R) Noon, 1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9:50, 10:50, 12:40; Priest (PG-13) 12:15, 1:15, 2:30, 3:30, 4:45, 7:15, 7:45, 9:30, 10, 11:45, 12:15; Thor (PG-13) 12:10, 12:40, 1:20, 1:50, 2:20, 3, 3:30, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:40, 9:10, 9:50, 10:20, 10:50, 11:30, midnight, 12:40; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 12:30, 1:30, 3:10, 4:20, 7:10, 7:40, 10:10, 10:40, 12:50; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 1:40, 4:30, 7:20, 10:10, 12:50; Fast Five (PG-13) 12:15, 1:45, 2:15, 3:15, 4:45, 5:15, 7:15, 7:45, 8:15, 10:10, 10:40, 11:10; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 12:05, 1:35, 2:35, 4:05, 5:05, 7:05, 7:35, 9:35, 10:05, 12:05, 12:35; Water for Elephants (PG-13) Noon, 4:15, 7, 9:45, 12:30; Rio the Movie (G) 1:30, 3:50, 7:15, 9:40, 12:10; Soul Surfer (PG) 12:50, 7:25; Insidious (PG-13) 4:50, 9:55, 12:25

May 14 The Metropolitan Opera: Die Walkure (NR) Noon; Bridesmaids (R) Noon, 1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9:50, 10:50, 12:40; Priest (PG-13) 12:15, 1:15, 2:30, 3:30, 4:45, 7:15, 7:45, 9:30, 10, 11:45, 12:15; Thor (PG-13) 12:10, 12:40, 1:20, 1:50, 2:20, 3, 3:30, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:40, 9:10, 9:50, 10:20, 10:50, 11:30, midnight, 12:40; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 12:30, 1:30, 3:10, 4:20, 7:10, 7:40, 10:10, 10:40, 12:50; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 1:40, 4:30, 7:20, 10:10, 12:50; Fast Five (PG13) 12:15, 1:45, 2:15, 3:15, 4:45, 5:15, 7:15, 7:45, 8:15, 10:10, 10:40, 11:10; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 1:35,4:05, 7:05, 7:35, 9:35, 10:05, 12:05, 12:35; Water for Elephants (PG-13) Noon, 4:15, 7, 9:45, 12:30; Rio the Movie (G) 1:30, 3:50, 7:15, 9:40, 12:10; Soul Surfer (PG) 12:50, 7:25; Insidious (PG-13) 4:50, 9:55, 12:25 Evans Stadium Cinemas georgiatheatrecompany.com May 13 Bridesmaids (R) 3:50, 6:50, 9:45; Priest (PG-13) 2:40, 4:50, 7:25, 9:45; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 4:10, 7:05, 9:50; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 4, 7, 9:40; Thor (PG-13) 2:45, 3:30, 4:20, 5:30, 6:30, 7:15, 8:15, 9:15, 9:55; Fast Five (PG-13) 3:15, 4:40, 6:40, 7:45, 9:40; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (PG) 3:05, 5:10; Prom (PG) 7:35, 10; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Water for Elephants (PG-13) 3:40, 6:45, 9:35; Rio the Movie (G) 2:55, 5:15, 7:40, 10; Soul Surfer (PG) 4:30, 7:20, 9:55

56 taps in Evans + liquor 706.447.4992

30 taps in aiken + liquor 803.648.9074

30 taps downtown 706.774.0037

24 taps in columbia + liquor 803.454.1743

Open Late Every Tuesday

$1.95 Draft $1.95 Specialty Slices

5PM to Close

May 13 Bridesmaids (R) 12:50, 3:50, 6:50, 9:45; Priest (PG-13) 12:30, 2:40, 4:50, 7:25, 9:45; Jumping the Broom (PG-13) 1:10, 4:10, 7:05, 9:50; Something Borrowed (PG-13) 1, 4, 7, 9:40; Thor (PG-13) Noon, 12:45, 1:30, 2:45, 3:30, 4:20, 5:30, 6:30, 7:15, 8:15, 9:15, 9:55; Fast Five (PG-13) 12:15, 1:20, 3:15, 4:40, 6:40, 7:45, 9:40; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (PG) 12:55, 3:05, 5:10; Prom (PG) 7:35, 10; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 12:05, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Water for Elephants (PG-13) 12:35, 3:40, 6:45, 9:35; Rio the Movie (G) 12;25, 2:55, 5:15, 7:40, 10; Soul Surfer (PG) 1:40, 4:30, 7:20, 9:55

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 25

Amy Christian

ART

Time flies at 10-minute play festival Theatergoers to Le Chat Noir this weekend won’t see the elaborate sets and fanciful costumes they are accustomed to from the downtown venue. Instead, they’ll see eight locally written and acted plays, each lasting 10 minutes. Quickies, now in its second year, is being coordinated by Jezibell Anat, a frequent performer with Le Chat and the Misfit Theatre Group. Anat said the group decided to go all local after finding out that the three most well-received plays from last year’s Quickies were the three originals. “Somehow there’s a feeling out there that if it’s local, it’s not as good as if it’s imported, and we really have to get past that myth,” she said. “We have quality and originality and that’s a lot of what Quickies is about.” Last year’s three, including Anat’s “Diversions,” Jonathan Cook’s “Lobster Man” and Rick Davis’ “Amid Canyons and Mesas,” will return for encore performances. They will be joined by Ed McCoy’s “Speedy,” Paul Rogers and Jennifer Craig’s “Brief Stars” and Joane Greene’s “Wait,” as well as “Hello Dispatch” and the “The Last Testament of Johannes Junius,” both by Anat’s husband Joseph Zuchowski. “He probably has most dramatic and then the most stapstick pieces,” she says of her husband’s plays. “’The Last Testament of Johannes Junius is about the German witch trials and it still makes a statement today about our uses of torture. People don’t realize that during the witch trials men were also accused.” “Hello Dispatch,” she said, is the story of a service call to a wrong address and the hilarity that ensues. While Anat gives away brief descriptions of the included plays, she is judicious about what she says. “With a full-length show we can give away plot points, but with these you don’t want to give away too much because the plays themselves are only 10 minutes long,” she says. “We just want to tease people enough to get them to come.” Preparation for Quickies began several months ago with a call for scripts. Anat said the paring down process was

26 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

difficult, but the constraints of the event made it somewhat easier. “We picked the ones that were the best and also the ones that were the easiest to stage,” she explains. “There were a couple of good ones that had a lot of complicated sets and costumes, which we would not have been able to do. We don’t have a huge stage and we wanted it to be all about the writing and the acting.” The time constraints, in particular setting up and breaking down the sets between each play, might make staging an event like Quickies seem like a nearly impossible task, but Anat says it makes certain aspects easier than staging a fulllength production. “The shorter pieces, for the actors it doesn’t require the same rehearsals as a larger production so we have a lot of people in these who are really good but maybe don’t have the time to rehearse for a larger piece,” she says. “And we’re keeping the set very simple. We have eight boxes that the director can change as needed. And the actors are really good about setting up and breaking down.” Still, there are things to think about. Several actors have been cast in more than one play, so Anat wanted to make sure their plays were scheduled back to back. She also wanted to make sure a bit of comic relief between the more serious pieces and that the series ended on a comedic note. What she’s hoping audiences will appreciate is the variety and diversity of the offerings, as well as the quality of the local talent. “With a full-length play, you either like it or you don’t, but with this you get a sampling,” she says. “If you don’t like one piece, there’ll be something else in a few minutes.”

Quickies, The 10-Minute Play Festival Le Chat Noir Friday-Saturday, May 13-14 8 p.m. $10 706-722-3322 lcnaugusta.com

Hail Damage Repair

AUGUSTA

OPTION1 FB - BLACK FB - WHITE FB - 5140 RED FB - 304 TEDDY BROWN FB - ORANGE

GEORGIA

Paint and Body Paintless Dent Removal Headlight Restoration

Serving the CSRA for 25 Years 3707 King Road | 706-284-8555 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 27

sightings Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Brandon Pruitt, Lauren Devivo, Rachel Veal and Ricky Saxon at Mi Rancho.

Dave and Dr. Julie Wheeler with Dr. Brittany and Ian Potter at Mi Rancho downtown.

Tim and Mary Moses with Debbie and Dr. Larry Lahatte at the 12 Bands of Christmas’ Raise the Roof concert at Richmond on Greene Hotel.

Sam Jenkins and Margie McClain with Holly Williams and Jennifer Dill at the 12 Bands of Christmas’ Raise the Roof concert at Richmond on Green Hotel.

Scott and Angela Hood with Katie and Chuck Ashley at the 12 Bands of Christmas’ Raise the Roof concert at Richmond on Greene Hotel.

John and Ashley Edwards with Stephanie and Keith Fell at The Country Club. Dean Hayes and Catherine Ryan with Angie Aparo and Cynthia Hayes at the 12 Bands of Christmas’ Raise the Roof concert at Richmond on Greene Hotel.

Cedric Smith, Donna Briscoe, Tanner Thompson, Megan Jackson, Jones andDickinson Randy Melisa Angela Dees and Osbar at Hunter at the Par 3 Party at Teresa’s. the Augusta Common

Amanda Hart, Anna McArdle, Valerie Capuy and Kaitlin Mongan at Rhinehart’s.

Our OYSTERS are the Best Ever!

Happy Hour MON-FRI 4:30 p.m. - 7 p.m. Food & Drink Specials

Remember, our gift certificates make great graduation gifts!

SURREY CENTER ON HIGHLAND AVE. — THE FRENCHMARKETGRILLE.COM — 707.737.4865 28 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Laure Reeder, Anne Channell and Christina Runnels at Sky City.

Jimmy and Courtney Derrick, Christen Lucas and Brandon Madeen at First Friday.

Michael Cain, Heather Dedrickson, Preethi Ganapathy and Samuel Herberg at the Rooster’s Beak.

Lindsey Jernigan, Courtney Thompson, Rita Payne and Bailey McKenney at The Bee’s Knees.

Katie Herring, Emily Greene, Chrissy Cunningham and Natalie Paine on the Downtown Loft Tour.

Neil Shorthouse, Dr. Eleanor Hopson, Dr. Marilyn Willis and former Denver Bronco Roger Jackson at the Communities in Schools Recognition and Awards Banquet at Candler Memorial Library, Paine College.

Liz Hill, hat contest winner Allison Mayborg and Amy Brandenburg at Derby Day at St. Paul’s River Room.

Cedric Smith, Donna Briscoe, Mike and Jessica Ruark with Beth Angela Jones and Randy and Jef f Annis at Derby Day at St. Hunter at River the Par 3 Party at Paul’s Room. the Augusta Common

Meg Brown, Susie Jenkins and Sarah Bangs at Derby Day at St. Paul’s River Room.

sightings mejphoto.photoreflect.com

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 29

OBSERVE

CRISP

REPORT Ill-informed speculation from a perpetually curious sort.

Amy Christian

The more things change... The small storefront with the red awning — the one you really have to look for on Washington Road or you might just blow past it — looks the same as it ever did. Walk into Ruth’s Family Restaurant, however, and you might just notice a few changes since Peter and Dee Garland took over at the beginning of the year. If you didn’t know any better, the red, white and grey interior might smack of one of those trendy restaurants retrofitted to look like a 1950s diner. The only thing that saves the decor from toppling too far into kitsch is the red and white window valances decorated with roosters. Oh, and the menu, most of which is written out on a whiteboard above the window that leads to the kitchen. Even a brief glance at it lets customers know that this is the same Ruth’s that they’ve been coming to since it first opened in 1965. That’s when the dust coming off Washington Road was from the road itself and not from the dirty cars. Peter Garland admits that the extensive changes he and his wife have made to Ruth’s have mostly been cosmetic — new paint, light fixtures, curtains, artwork, roof, stove and refrigerator. The breakfast and lunch menu still includes everybody’s favorites. On a recent Tuesday the special was a baked chicken quarter with dressing, gravy, two sides and a biscuit or cornbread. And if you’re having lunch at Ruth’s, it’s okay to risk the carb

overload and ensuing afternoon coma by getting the lima beans and mac and cheese. You kind of have to. If you go all the way and get a slice of red velvet cake or the cobbler of the day (peach) a la mode, though, you have nobody but yourself to blame. Peter Garland, an Army brat who graduated from Hephzibah High School and who’s now retired from the Navy, said owning a restaurant has been his wife’s dream. “It’s been her (Dee’s) dream for a long time; I’m just along as grunt work,” he laughs while ringing up a customer (Dee is too busy bringing food to tables and refilling glasses to talk for very long). “She wanted to have one called the Hen House and have rails along the side with hen coops. We’ll do that next time.” After moving back to the CSRA from Virginia Beach, Peter said Dee began frequenting Ruth’s and that’s how she heard about the owner’s desire to sell. Once the transaction was complete, the couple got to work. And what has the customer feedback been like, given that Ruth’s has a crop of very loyal regulars? “You know, everybody seems to have stuck around and we’ve had an increase,” Peter Garland said. “It’s been really great. There are a few people who were loyal to the other folks who aren’t coming in anymore, but there are much more that are trying us for the first time and saying, ‘Hey, this is cool.’”

The world’s smallest gas station will soon be developed into a Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar (across from Best Buy). They’re advertising for a restaurant manager for the coming Augusta location who “must have the ability to lift 50 pounds regularly.” Don’t know about that. As a world

champion 12 ounce curler, that would take 66.67 reps. Won’t leave much time for managin’ the human resource function in the restaurant ensuring recruitment, selection, orientation, training, scheduling and performance management functions meeting or exceeding company specified criteria.

WARD REALTY LLC Charming 4 BR 2 BA Home. Lg. fenced yard. Appliances. $0 Down $0 Closing Costs $625 Mo Move right in!

NEAR DOWNTOWN! ALMOST NEW! Large 3 BR 2 BA home.Garage. Fenced yard. Fireplace. Is this the one for you?

Classic home on Broad Street. Large 3BR 2.5 BA. Storage Bldg. Walk to downtown. Lg corner lot. Great home or rental property.

Best Price in Westlake! 4 BR 3.5 BA. Spacious rooms. Dbl garage. Large fenced yd. Ready to move into!

Remodeled 3 BR 2 BA home. Lg. fenced yard. Storage shed. Near 520 and Peach Orchard. All appliances included. $0 Down $0 Closing $575 Mo

Almost new home near Ft. Gordon. 3 BR 2 BA. Dbl garage. Fireplace. $0 Down. $ Closing Costs. $1,000 mo. Come take a look!

INVESTOR WANTED! Older 2 BR Home near Lake Osmond. Fenced yd. Need some TLC. Would be a great Rental property. Check it out!

HOW ABOUT A COZY CABIN? Plus 4+ acres. Hephzibah. Priced right! Quick Possession! Call to take a look!

Co-owner Peter Garland

wardrealtyllc.com | 706.869.7313 | 706.890.1088 30 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

gourmet R

Gourmet Relay is a weekly column in which local cooks share a recipe with Metro Spirit readers, the pass the tongs off to another cook of their choosing, who will be featured the following week.

Last week, Gourmet Relay featured David Thorpe, caddiemaster at Augusta National. Thanks to Thorpe, this week we have Raymond Wingo, a 31-year-old Augusta native who, along with his wife Dessie, has a spoiled rotten Springer Spaniel named Jo. Wingo is manager of Clean Water Systems in Grovetown and, when heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not working heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s outdoors, either running, fishing, camping or golfing (if he can find time). Wingo also loves to cook, especially this recipe for spaghetti. Out of This World Spaghetti & Meatballs Most of the time we think of spaghetti as a quick easy meal, but if you take the extra time to make this, you will not be disappointed. 3 tablespoons olive oil 3/4 cup chopped onion 4 cloves minced garlic 2 (16 oz.) cans crushed tomatoes 3 (6 oz.) cans tomato paste 1 cup water 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup chopped fresh oregano (divided) 1 dried bay leaf salt & pepper to taste 1 pound ground round 1/2 cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley 2 eggs lightly beaten

1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese 1 (16 oz.) package uncooked spaghetti. Heat olive oil in a large saucepan over medium heat, and cook the onion until lightly brown. Mix in 2 cloves garlic and cook 1 minute. Stir in crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, water, sugar, 1/2 of the oregano and bay leaf. Season with salt and pepper. bring to a boil, reduce heat to low, and simmer while preparing meatballs. In a bowl, mix the ground round, bread crumbs, remaining oregano, remaining garlic, parsley, eggs and cheese. Season with salt and pepper. Roll into 1-inch balls and drop into sauce. Cook 40 minutes in the sauce or until the internal temp. of meatballs reaches a minimum of 160 degrees F. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to boil, and stir in the spaghetti. Cook 8-10 minutes until al dente and drain. Serve the meatballs and sauce over the cooked spaghetti.

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 31

Mosquito Reduction Pest Control Sentricon Termite Colony Elimination Nuisance wildlife Management TAP Insulation Leaf Defier Home Improvement

AUGUSTA 706.737.4120 32 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

MARTINEZ 706.860.0116

AIKEN 803.641.0144

LEXINGTON 803.732.2669

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!

No. 0501

By Xan Vongsathorn / Edited by Will Shortz 2

6 18

13 20

23 26 29 36 41

53 57

112 Pay ending

O D I C

105

106

107 113

108

A C L E

R E D L A A B D E A L

S S R H O L A A T E N T E R O P E B I T A O I D T A G A S H O N I T A I T S S I T T S S

109

114 117

119

6 7113 L e oNickelodeon nidas’ dog k i nPoet’s g d o m“before” 114 68 Noted weakness? 6 9 Ta m e d t i g e r s , s a y D E B U G 72 Bob, e.g. 7 3 TAh i nLg s Ii n M l o cA ks C 7 4 BBi g IA pG p l eAm ePd i aP i n i tD s. O A E R 77 Most sacred bTu i E l d i nTg iE n IS slam 78 20-ounce G A Z S t aO r b uL c k s Io r T d e rE P 80 Mendes of A B “ H iR t c hE ” S

102

95 99

116

118

R S E C

104 112

115

101

111

100

110

103

62 66

50 55

45 49

44 47

32 38

25 28

120

82 Something with one or more sides 83 From ___ Z O A R S M I 84 “The Family G RC iA W A N rcus” L Ec aC r t o oI n iR s t KCe aU ne u _H __ A R E8 5 P l aCt dS 8 6 LS t aOr t S t o fE i x ?O N 8 8 C o m e i n t o E B O S 90 Creator of Aslan D A N C E R and the White U RWi t c hH A E

A S O R P U D N A O F G R L E I L A I G L E E K F T H E S A L M O K E O R I C E E S T

R A T L P I D A V Y C A R C E A R A T A N A M I Y A N S T S O

93 Settle a score 94 Pennsylvanie, e.g. 9 5 “ b a nDd , S E S H L Ae g s ” M 1984 N A S T I K I 97 “Casablanca” I T rS F E E S ole P 9 9 MAe s sMi n gUo fS“ Wi E ll & G r a c e ” E S M O J I T O 0 0 R e vTe r sIa l R E S R 1O 101 Specks of dust S A H L A R I 102 Kwik-E-Mart P oEp e rEa t oRr E S S

E T F E A L L A I F N E U L S S D T R E Y S

L Y E I C T R A A U G K E I O R S P A I T G S S N H E B E T C S C

I M H E R E

O B I T E R

N O N C O M

T I A R A

A S N E R

R O D D Y

105 “Goodness gracious!” 1 0 6 Ve r n e c a p t a i n 108 Late-week cry 1 0 9 G a r d e n e r, a t times 11 0 P i c k 111 C h a r l e m a g n e ’s r e a l m : A b b r. 11 2 P a y e n d i n g 11 3 N i c k e l o d e o n dog 11 4 P o e t ’s “ b e f o r e ”

answers

previous week’s

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! By XAN VONGSATHORN / Edited by Will Shortz ACROSS 6 “Ugh!” 1 One keeping a watch on someone? 7 Go-between: Abbr. 6 Steal 8 Do followers 13 Swine swill 9 1970s rock genre 1attachment 8 Many a flower 11 0 10 O pScuba t i m i s tmouthpiece ’s 5 Sremoved tub ___ A c r o17s sOne who may 5be p11 h r“___ a s e uMine” n d e r (George Harrison girl 6 “2001: A Space 1 O n e k19 e e 21, p i n gat aa casino,5say book) a12 d vOver e r s e three-quarters 2 0ofPbunsenite itch Odyssey” studio w a t c21 h Home on for clover lovers c13 i r cSheer, u m s t ainformally nces … 22 Buddhist temple s o m22 e o n*Most e ? awful thing 5 7 Dyou o s t could p o s s eimagine ss o14 r aAlmost h i n t t oevery puppy has one tongue 6 S t e a l 25 One with a deadly 23 Foie ___ 59 A laser might completing the 15 Bobby on the ice 2 4 S o m e m i n i a t u r e s 1 3 S w i n26 e sRapscallion will read it answers to the 16 Little, in Lyon 1 7 O n e 27 w hFounder o m a y bof e an 6eponymous 2 B r a i n - r a berry c k e d farm six starred clues pipe joints s t a t e 18 Many a flower girl3 0 # 2 o r # 3 , s a y r e m 28 o v eSome d 11 5 I n tPitch roductory 31 Coal, e.g. 29 Dogie, e.g. 20 6 4 *checking D u n c e ’soneself p l a c e into 1 9 2 1 , a32 t aDeclaration c a s i n o , upon d22 r a Buddhist w i n g c l a stemple s 3 3 Ta c i t l y a g r e e s a y rehab 67 It may have a 11 6 23 L i kFoie e s t a___ rs on a with cross to bear 2 1 H o m36 e f*Destination o r c l o v e r of 1911 c24 l e aSome r n i g hminiatures t 34 2012 Olympics l o v e40 r s “Does not compute” 70 Minute, 11 7 30 L u#2 x u ror y h#3, o t esay l site a31 l o nCoal, g i n f oare r mworn ally 2 2 * M o41 s t Where a w f u l lavalava skirts e.g. 3 5 C l o s e t o o n e ’s M h a t t a nagree ’s t h i n44 g yDavy o u c oJones’s u l d locker 33a nTacitly with 71 Skin-and-bones heart C34e n2012 t r a l Olympics Park, i m a g45i nGraduates e site3 6 P l a c e t o g e t a y o 72 Pluto, to Saturn w h “ t h eto ” one’s heart 35i t Close 2 5 O n e 46 w i*First t h a rung on 7a 5ladder yo or choo-choo ___ Stix U nPlace w e l c otomget e a yo-yo or choo-choo d e a d49 l yTimes t o n g uin e classifieds( p o w d e r e d c a n d y 11 8 36 3 7 S g37 u eShakespearean st prince h a k e s p e a r e a n 2 6 R a p s51 c aWood l l i o n shaper brand) prince 52 Hits and runs? 38 ___ Mahal 11 9 R e a l s o f t b a l l 27 Founder of an 76 Big boats 38 ___ Mahal 53 ___ Lingus 39 Cable inits. 120 Baroque painter eponymous berry 78 Doctor whose 41a lKiss, in 34-Down 3 9 C a b l e i n i t s . H s f a r m54 Hits or runs p a t i e n t s n e v e r 55 Stub ___ 42 One of three for H20 41 Kiss, in 34-Down 2 8 S o m56 e p“2001: i p e j o iAn tSpace s p a y t h estudio bills Odyssey” 43 Mohawked muscleman 42 One of three for D o w n 2 9 D o g i57 e , Dost e . g . possess 7 9 H o l d u p 45 Fifth-century invader H 2 0 1 Te a t i m e b i s c u i t 3 2 D e c l59 a r aAt i laser o n u pmight o n read it 46 Slippery ___ 81 52 semanas 3 M a w k e d calenc h e c62 k i Brain-racked n g o n e s e l f state theo hlunisolar 2 R i47 c h Dates c a k e determined 4by 82 She, in Rome muscleman i n t o64 r e*Dunce’s hab place 3 S udar rprise birthday 83 *Destitution 45 Fifth-century 3 6 * D e s67 t i nIta may t i o n have o f a cross to bear p48 a r Ixnay ties often invader 87 Color again, as 70 Minute, informally 1 9 11 i50 n v Actress o l v e t h eFarrah m hair 6 Slippery ___ 4 0 “ D o e71 s nSkin-and-bones ot 4 Wi54 r e hPrincipal’s a i r o f t h echarge:4Abbr. 47 Dates determined c o m72 p u Pluto, t e ” to Saturn8 9 D i r e c t o r ’s c r y s55 i l vHinny’s e r s c r e emother n 75 ___ Stix (powdered 58 “It’s about time!” by the lunisolar 9 1 O ncandy e s r u nbrand) ning 5 Pub order 41 Where lavalava 76 Big boats 59 Freckle calendar shoulder to skirts are worn 6 “ U g hThey’re !” 78 Doctor whose patients hypothetical 48 Ixnay s h o unever l d e r ?pay the bills7 G o60 4 4 D a v y79J Holdup o n e s ’s b e t w e e n : A b b r. 61 Quarters that haven’t been picked up? 50 Actress Farrah l o c k81 e r 52 semanas 9 2 C o r r u p t 8 D o63f oNaan l l o w ecooker rs 5 4 P r i n c i p a l ’s 4 5 G r a d82 u aShe, t e s in Rome 9 3 * C o l d e s t p o i n t 9 1 964 7 0 Ottoman s r o c k g ebigwig nre with informationc h a rg e : A b b r. 4 6 * F i r 83 s t r*Destitution ung on a 9 6 B u rg e r K i n g v i s 1 0 S65 c u Prefix ba 5 5 H i n n y ’s m o t h e r l a d d87 e r Color again, as hairà - v i s 66o uMonopoly m t h p i e c e util. cry 67 Leonidas’ kingdom 5 8 “ I t ’s a b o u t t i m e ! ” M c D o n a l d ’s , 4 9 Ti m e89 s iDirector’s n attachment 68 Noted weakness? 5 9 F r e c k l e f i t t i nto g l shoulder? y c l a s91 s i fOnes i e d s running shoulder 11 “ _ _ _ M i n e ” 69 Tamed tigers, say 6 0 T h e y ’ r e 9 8 To w n H o u s e 5 1 Wo o92 d sCorrupt haper ( G e o rg e 93 *Coldest point 72a rBob, alternative hypothetical H r i s o ne.g. book) 5 2 H i t s 96 a nBurger d r u n s ?King vis-à-vis McDonald’s, fit73 Things in locks 61 Quarters that 9 9 R u s s i a n 1 2 O v e r r e e - media inits. 5 3 _ _ _ tingly Lingus 74 Bigt hApple h aIslam v e n ’t b e e n q77 u aMost r t e r s sacred of legislature 5 4 H i t s 98 o r Town r u n s House alternative building in picked up? b78 u n20-ounce s e n i t e Starbucks order 103 “The Old 99 Russian legislature 1 3 S80 h e Mendes e r, i n f o rof m a“Hitch” lly 63 Naan cooker v e splaywright ’ Ta l e ” For any three 103 answers, “The Old Wives’ Wi Tale” call from aGeorge touch-tone playwright 1 4 A82 l mSomething o s t e v e r y with one 6 4or O tmore t o m asides n bigwig phone: 1-900-285-5656, G e o rg e p83 u pFrom p y h a___ s o nZe 104 Years on end 6 5 P r e f i x w ith $1.49 each minute; or, 107card, Above all others cartoonist 1 5 B84 o b“The b y o nFamily t h e i cCircus” e i n f o r m a t Keane ion 1 0 4 Ye a r s o n e n d with a credit 1-800___ 814-5554.110 Optimist’s phrase i t t Plat l e , idu n Ly on 66 Monopoly util. 1 0 7 under A b o v eadverse a l l o t h e r s 1 6 L85 circumstances … or a hint to completing the 86 Start to fix? answers to the six starred clues 88 Come into 115 Introductory drawing class 90 Creator of Aslan and the White Witch 116 Like stars on a clear night 93 Settle a score 117 Luxury hotel along Manhattan’s Central 94 Pennsylvanie, e.g. Park, with “the” 95 “Legs” band, 1984 118 Unwelcome guest 97 “Casablanca” role 119 Real softball 99 Messing of “Will & Grace” 120 Baroque painter Hals 100 Reversal 101 Specks of dust DOWN 102 Kwik-E-Mart operator 1 Teatime biscuit 105 “Goodness gracious!” 2 Rich cake 106 Verne captain 3 Surprise birthday parties often involve 108 Late-week cry them 109 Gardener, at times 4 Wirehair of the silver screen 110 Pick 5 Pub order 111 Charlemagne’s realm: Abbr.

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 33

free will Rob Brezsny

a s t r o l o g y freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) “If you wish to bake an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe,” said astronomer Carl Sagan in his book “Cosmos.” In other words, the pie can’t exist until there’s a star orbited by a habitable planet that has spawned intelligent creatures and apples. Keep that in mind as you start out down the long and winding path toward manifesting your own personal equivalent of the iconic apple pie. In a sense, you will have to create an entire world to serve as the womb for your brainchild. To aid you in your intricate quest, make sure to keep a glowing vision of the prize always burning in the sacred temple of your imagination. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) I’ll quote Wikipedia: “Dawn should not be confused with sunrise, which is the moment when the leading edge of the sun itself appears above the horizon.” In other words, dawn is a pale light appearing out of nowhere to tinge the blackness. Where you are right now is comparable to the last hour before the sunrise. When the pale light first appears, don’t mistake it for the sun and take premature action. Wait until you can actually see the golden rim rising. CANCER (June 21-July 22) When some readers write to me, they address me as “Mr. Brezsny.” It reminds me of what happens when a check-out clerk at Whole Foods calls me “sir”: I feel like someone is bashing my breezy, casual self-image with an unwelcome blast of dignity and decorum. I expect that you, too, may feel pressure to be overly respectable, uncomfortably formal, excessively polite and in too much control. That would be pushing you in a direction opposite to the one you should go. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) At one point in the story “Alice in Wonderland,” a large talking bird known as the Dodo organizes a race with unusual rules. There is no single course that all the runners must follow. Rather, everybody scampers around wherever he or she wants, and decides when to begin and when to end. When the “race” is all over, of course, it’s impossible to sort out who has performed best, so the Dodo declares everyone the winner. Organize and participate in activities like that in the coming weeks. It’s an excellent time to drum up playful victories and easy successes not only for yourself, but for everyone else, too. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) In his book “The Rough Guide to Climate Change,” Bob Henson talks about the “five places to go before global warming messes them up.” One such beautiful spot is Colorado’s Rocky Mountain National Park.

34 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Vast swatches of its trees are being ravaged by hordes of pine beetles, whose populations used to be kept under control by frigid winters before the climate began to change. Australia’s Great Barrier Reef and Switzerland’s Alpine glaciers are among the other natural beauties that are rapidly changing form. I suggest that you apply this line of thought to icons with a more personal meaning. Nothing stays the same forever, and it’s an apt time to get all you can out of useful and wonderful resources that are in the midst of transformation. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) There’s not a whole lot of funny stuff reported in the Bible, but one notable case occurred when God told Abraham that he and his wife Sarah would finally be able to conceive their first child. This made Abraham laugh out loud, since he was 99 years old at the time and Sarah was 90. It may have been a while since God has delivered any humorous messages to you, but She’s gearing up for such a transmission even as we speak. To receive this cosmic jest in the right spirit, make sure you’re not taking yourself too damn seriously.

be on fire with a shimmering dream or a beautiful prospect. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) In his “Book of Imaginary Beings,” Argentinian writer Jorge Luis Borges reports the following: “Chang Tzu tells us of a persevering man who after three laborious years mastered the art of dragonslaying. For the rest of his days, he had not a single opportunity to test his skills.” You, too, may be in training to fight a beast that does not exist. Luckily, you’re also in a position to realize that fact, quit the unnecessary quest and redirect your energy into a more worthy endeavor. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Want to see a rabbit chase a snake up a tree? There’s a video on YouTube. If for some reason you don’t have access to YouTube, then please close your eyes and visualize a cute bunny harassing a six-foot-long snake until it slithers madly away and escapes up a tree. Be

energized to try a similar reversal in your own sphere. Don’t do anything stupid, like spitting at a Hell’s Angels dude in a biker bar. Rather, try a metaphorical or psychological version. ARIES (March 21-April 19) The 16th-century English writer John Heywood was a prolific creator of epigrams. I know of at least 20 of his proverbs that are still invoked, including “Haste makes waste,” “Out of sight, out of mind,” “Look before you leap,” “Beggars shouldn’t be choosers,” “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” and “Do you want to both eat your cake and have it, too?” I bring this up because I suspect you’re in a Heywoodian phase of your long-term cycle. You’re likely to unearth a wealth of pithy insights and guiding principles that will serve you well into the future.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) No one in history has ever drunk the entire contents of a regulation-size ketchup bottle in less than 39 seconds. So says the Guinness Book of World Records. However, I believe it’s possible that a Scorpio daredevil will soon break this record. Right now your tribe has an almost supernaturally enormous power to rapidly extract the essence of anything you set your mind to extracting. You know how to suck — in the best sense of that word — and you’re not shy about sucking. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) “I’m not superstitious,” said Michael Scott, the former boss in the TV show “The Office.” “I’m just a little stitious.” You shouldn’t indulge yourself in being even a little stitious in the coming weeks. You have a prime opportunity to free yourself from the grip of at least some of your irrational fears, unfounded theories and compulsive fetishes. You now have more power to break away from their spell. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) In “Plato’s Republic,” Socrates speaks derisively about people who are eu a-mousoi, an ancient Greek term that literally means “happily without muses.” These are the plodding materialists who have no hunger for inspiration and no need of spiritual intelligence. You can’t afford to be eu a-mousoi in the coming weeks. Mundane satisfactions won’t be nearly enough to feed your head and heart. To even wake up and get out of bed each morning, you’ve got to

SATURDAY, JUNE 4TH · AUGUSTA COMMONS

SLaB METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 35

earDRUM And Here’s Exhibit B

Veara are, from left to right, Brittany Harrell, Bradley Wyrosdick, Bryan Kerr and Patrick Bambrick.

Veara deserves an A on drumming alone. Last week I wrote about my longheld tenet that Augusta has almost zero appreciation for the music that vibrates within throwing distance of its own ears. I submitted an Exhibit A in Julia Easterlin. For the two of the one-two punch I present Veara. What a ride it has been for Veara so far. A year or so ago, they were kids from Augusta practically living in a van as they went from show to show. In the time since, they’ve signed with Running Man Records (a subsidiary of the legendary Epitaph imprint, arguably the most successful

36 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

punk label of all time) and seen the better part of the world from trains, planes and automobiles and stages and stages and ever bigger stages. If you’re blessed and have enough punk rock points (and the cash to make it reality), you’ll see Veara on the Vans Warped Tour this summer. A band doesn’t get a recording contract with Epitaph because the drummer is a hot chick; clearly there is more to this machine than the sum of its parts. This band can lay down the damage while simultaneously delivering healthy doses of big pop hooks. Their latest record is called “What

We Left Behind” (available now at any major online retailer). It’s essentially a big middle finger to all of the doubters and naysayers that embody the very argument I was trying to make in the first place. Augusta doesn’t understand what’s in front of it until someone from outside the aquarium tells them its good. Drummer Brittany Harrell has said in numerous interviews that the local response to the escalating success of the band was met with responses such as “so how is your little band doing?” That pissed off Veara. The cover art for the album in question features a peach with a Sailor Jerry-style banner

across the front sporting the album title. The peach symbolizes what’s in the rear view for Veara now. Way in the rear view as the band has spent much of the past year on the road in places like Europe and Australia. The Epitaph website says that, with the release of “What We Left Behind,” Veara is taking their “southern moshpitality” to a whole new level. Catchy turn of phrase there and I couldn’t agree more. See y’all at the rock show. Brian Allen

Now Booking

AUGUSTA’S FAVORITE FOR DINING AND LIVE ENTERTAINMENT

FOR YOUR NEXT SPECIAL EVENT Wedding Receptions • Bridal Brunches Rehearsal Dinners • Business Meetings Holiday Parties • Birthday Parties Anniversaries • And More

STEAKS • CHOPS BURGERS • SALADS *** NEW EXPANDED MENU ***

724 Broad Street, Augusta, GA 30901 Call Bryan Mitchell at 706-722-2555 for more information or bryan-mitchell2@comcast.net

816 Cotton Lane • Riverwalk 706-724-4511

www.EatDrinkBeHappy.com

www.CityClub30901.com

$1999 (WMH2175XVQ)

Ceramic Glass Cooktop

$50

$4-piece Everything Need to Package You Update your OTR Microwave 1.7 cu. ft. w/ 2-speed Range Hood & 6th Sense Sensor Cooking!

Kitchen!

DELIVERY & INSTALLATION INSTANT REBATE!

DELIVERY REBATE ON APPLIANCE PURCHASE OF $599 OR MORE! *Valid on purchases made April 8 - 24, 2011.

PuR® Water & Ice Filtration

Electric Range 4.8 cu. ft. oven. 4 Radiant Burners & Delay Bake.

Save on a SURE Thing!

$600

UP TO

Escalating Cash Back Rebate

Mail-In Rebate with the purchase of select Whirlpool Appliances. April 15 - 30. See store for details.

Dishwasher Tall Tub withNSF Certified SaniRinse, high-temp wash & heated dry. Extra 3” space holds bulky items!

$899 Side-By-Side Refrigerator

RATED A BEST BUY!*

with upfront Temperature controls

Full-Width Pantry Drawer!

(WFE361LVQ) NO ONE HAS FEWER REPAIRS

RS 14YINEAAROW

ies for Qualif hing SURE T te! Reboreafor details. See st

Cleans from 4 Different Angles! (DU1300XTVQ)

(WED9270XW)

Side-by-Side Refrigerator 25.4 cu.ft. with SpillGuard™ shelves & temp controlled Meat Pan

Super Capacity Tall tub!

ies for Qualif hing SURE T te! Restboreafor details.

(DU1055XTVQ)

See

NO ONE HAS FEWER REPAIRS

RS 14YINEAAROW

$399

(ED5KVEXVQ)

Dishwasher

With Auto Soil Sensor & NSF Certified SaniRinse!

Stainless Steel Wash Basket

$599 each

AccuDry™ Stops the Cycle when Load and Dry!

4.3 cu.ft. Washer & 7.4 cu.ft. Electric Dryer (WTW5500XW) (WED5500XW)

$799 each

$1E0Th0ing

SUR ate! ir. Reblaundry repa Rebate on e for details. See stor

4.0 cu.ft. Washer & 6.7 cu.ft. Electric Dryer (WFW9250WW) (WED9270XW)

*Best Buy in Dishwashers as rated by a leading consumer magazine!

$1399 French Door Refrigerator

24.8 cu.ft. (GX5FHDXVQ)

Davis Appliance & Furniture 3273 Deams Bridge Rd. Augusta, GA 30906

706.796.0500

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 37

Thursday, May 12 Live Music Country Club Appetite for Destruction Coyote’s Motley Crude French Market Grille West Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground Dave Firmin One Hundred Laurens Mike Frost Jazz Trio Rose Hill Stables Preston & Weston Sky City Rock for Peace w/ Josh Pierce, Jim Perkins Band, Slam, Necessary Evil, Daniel Peace’s Dead Mary Wild Wing Jeremy Graham Band The Willcox Four Cats in the Doghouse

Events Cadillac’s Karaoke Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Candy Stripers Cabaret Club Sparx Playlist with Shannon Cocktails Lounge Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Fox’s Lair Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) Karaoke Pizza Joint, Evans DJ Kris Fisher The Playground Open Mic with Brandy Shannon’s Karaoke Soul Bar Boom Box Villa Europa Karaoke with Just Ben Wheeler Tavern Karaoke Wooden Barrel ’80s Night Karaoke

Friday, May 13 Live Music Augusta Canal Joe Stevenson Cotton Patch Ray Piazola Country Club Larry Frick Coyote’s The Dirt Drifters Doubletree Hotel 3 Sides of Jazz French Market Grille West Doc Easton Joe’s Underground Jeff Johnston One Hundred Laurens John Kolbeck The Playground Rock for Peace w/ John Berret and the Laroxes, G-City Rockers, the Issues, Sylis, Daniel Peace’s Dead Mary Sector 7G TFS Rave: Our Place in the Cosmos w/LinearNorth, Polyphase, Alyson Stone and Boost MC Shannon’s Electric Voodoo Sky City Records Records, Eskimojitos, The Favors, Cocoa Dylan Stillwater Tap Room Hot Seats Surrey Tavern Nu Soul Wild Wing Tony Williams Band The Willcox Kenny George

38 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Events Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Club Sparx DJ Rana and Music Explosion Cocktails Lounge Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub Karaoke with Libby D. and Palmetto Entertainment Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill Karaoke Islands Bar & Lounge Caribbean Night with DJ Spud Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke Palmetto Tavern DJ Tim The Place on Broad Rock DJ Rebeck’s Hideaway Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe Karaoke with Steve Chappel Sky City First Friday ’80s Night Soul Bar First Friday DJ Mix Tropicabana Latin Friday Wooden Barrel Karaoke Contest

Richmond, Va.’s The Hot Seats hit the stage at Stillwater Tap Room Friday, May 13. Music starts around 10 p.m. $4. Visit thehotseats.net.

Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke One Hundred Laurens DJ Kenny Ray Sky City DJ Joycette Tropicabana Salsa Saturday Wooden Barrel Kamikaze Karaoke

Sunday, May 15 Saturday, May 14 Live Music Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Blue Horse Bistro Live Music The Cotton Patch Keith Gregory Country Club Deepstep Coyote’s Lance Stinson James Brown Arena Kevin Hart Joe’s Underground Cliff Bennett P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music The Playground The Dubstop Initiative Rock Bottom Music Rock for Peace All-Ages Show Shannon’s Ke-Ju Sky City My Instant Lunch Surrey Tavern Nu Soul Wild Wing Postcard Fiction

Crums on Central Jim Perkins Jessye Norman Amphitheatre Candlelight Jazz w/ Stallings Island Middle School w/ Augusta’s Young Lions P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Wild Wing TJ Mimbs

Events

Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Club Sparx DJ Wreboot House Party Cocktails Lounge Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge Reggae Night with Island Vybez The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Karaoke with Danny Haywood

Live Music Cocktails Lounge Live Music Joe’s Underground Woody Wood Sector 7G Shai Hulud, Foundation, Endwell, Lions Lions Wild Wing Jacob and the Good People The Willcox Hal Shreck

Events Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Karaoke with Big Tony Fishbowl Lounge Dart League Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice

Wednesday, May 18

Caribbean Soul Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Peggy Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke, Salsa Dancing

Live Music

Monday, May 16

Events

Live Music Events

Tuesday, May 17

Soul Bar Metal Monday

Events Applebee’s (Evans) Trivia Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Malibu Jack’s Team Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Somewhere In Augusta Karaoke with Charles Wild Wing Trivia and ’80s Karaoke

209 on the River Smooth Grooves Cadillac’s Live Band Shannon’s Bill Tolbert and the New BTUs The Willcox Hal Shreck

Club Argos Santoni’s Satin Dolls Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Trivia Cocktails Lounge Augusta’s Got Talent The Cotton Patch Trivia and Tunes with Cliff Bennett Laura’s Backyard Tavern Karaoke The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Place on Broad Jazz DJ The Playground Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern Karaoke with Tom Mitchell

Upcoming

Faster Pussycat, Dizzy Reed, Venrez, G City Rockers Sky City May 19 Big Daddy Love Stillwater Tap Room May 20 Zach Deputy, Funk You Sky City May 20 New Familiars Stillwater Tap Room May 27 Minus the Bear, Skysaw, The Constellations Sky City May 30

Elsewhere

Doc Severinsen Classic Center, Athens May 12 Edwin McCain, Eric Dodd Melting Point, Athens May 12

Deftones The Tabernacle, Atlanta May 28 The Monkees Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 3 Miranda Lambert, Josh Kelley, Ashton Shepherd Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Alpharetta June 4 B.B. King, Buddy Guy Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta, June 5 Katy Perry Arena at Gwinnett Center, Duluth June 7 Josh Groban Arena at Gwinnett Center, Duluth June 8 Loretta Lynn Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre, Atlanta June 10 Willie Nelson CoolRay Field, Lawrenceville June 12 Mumford & Sons The Fox Theatre, Atlanta June 12 Phish Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Alpharetta June 14-15 Uriah Heep Variety Playhouse, Atlanta June 14

Camper van Beethoven and Cracker visit Atlanta’s Buckhead Theatre Friday, May 13, at 8 p.m. for an all-ages, general admission show on the Kerosene Hat and Key Lime Pie Tour. Tickets, $20, are still available at 404-843-2825 or thebuckheadtheatre.com.

Cracker, Camper Van Beethoven The Buckhead Theatre, Atlanta May 13 Better Than Ezra Center Stage, Atlanta May 13 Fleet Foxes The Tabernacle, Atlanta May 14 Bon Jovi Philips Arena, Atlanta May 14 Mother’s Finest Melting Point, Athens May 14 Neko Case 40 Watt Club, Athens May 18 Flaming Lips The Tabernacle, Atlanta May 19-20 Kenny Chesney Aaron’s Amphitheatre at Lakewood, Atlanta May 20 Of Montreal, The Buckhead Theatre, Atlanta, May 20 Paul Simon Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta May 21 Panic at the Disco The Tabernacle, Atlanta May 27 James Taylor Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta May 27

Adele The Tabernacle, Atlanta June 17 Jo Dee Messina The Frederick Brown Amphitheater, Peachtree City June 18 Daryl Hall & John Oates Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 19 New Kids on the Block, Philips Arena, Atlanta June 22 Chris Isaak Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 22 Steve Miller Band Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta June 24 Skid Row Wild Bill’s, Duluth June 25 R. Kelly Philips Arena, Atlanta June 25 Dinosaur Jr. Variety Playhouse, Atlanta June 26 Florence and the Machine The Fox Theatre, Atlanta July 1 Jennifer Hudson Chastain Park Amphitheater, Atlanta July 2

CLUB LISTINGS

Somewhere In Augusta The Comedy Zone Wheeler Tavern Trivia

1102 Bar & Grill 1102augusta.com 209 on the River Aiken Brewing Company aikenbrewingcompany.com Allie Katz Bar on Broad Blue Horse Bistro bluehorsejazzclub.com Cadillac’s Club Argos myspace.com/clubargos Club Sparxx Club Rehab Cork & Bull Pub Cotton Patch eatdrinkbehappy.com Country Club augustacountry.com Coyote’s coyotesaugusta.com Crums on Central crumsoncentral.com Doubletree Hotel doubletree.hilton.com Fox’s Lair thefoxslair.com French Market Grille West frenchmarketwest.com Helga’s Pub & Grille The Highlander abritishpub.com Iron Horse Bar & Grill Joe’s Underground Laura’s Backyard Tavern Limelite Cafe The Loft Malibu Jack’s malibujacks.com Metro Cof feehouse One Hundred Laurens hotelaiken.com/100laurens.html Pizza Joint thepizzajoint.net The Place on Broad theplaceonbroad.com The Playground myspace.com/theplaygroundbar Roadrunner Cafe roadrunnercafe.com Robbie’s Sports Bar Rose Hill Stables rosehillestate.com Sector 7G sector7gaugusta.com Shannon’s shannonsfoodandspirits.com Sidetrack Bar & Grill Sky City skycityaugusta.com Somewhere In Augusta somewhereinaugusta.com Soul Bar soulbar.com Soultry Sounds Stillwater Tap Room myspace.com/ stillwatertaproom Surrey Tavern Tipsey McStumbles Tribeca myspace.com/tribecashoebar Tropicabana Vue Wild Wing wildwingcafe.com The Willcox therestaurantatw.com

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 39

40 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

dark AFTER

Brittney James

Cinco de Mayo…. hey, that’s the 5th of May

Rent / Lease 3 BR 2 Bath ranch renewed, Hardwood floors, Large lot, 1291 Brown Rd $990.00/mo.

Steve Garrison 706-951-4139

1BR mobile home, renewed, new hardwood floors, 3378 Milledgeville Rd $400.00/mo.

Advertise in Metro Spirit contact Joe at 706.373.3636. For rates email joe@themetrospirit.com

declassifieds (actual size) 1.5” x 1.9” Tall $40 per week

Steve Garrison 706-951-4139

Brittney James is a local F&B All-Star. She contributes weekly. To protect the guilty, Brittney James is not her real name.

Steve Garrison 706-951-4139

3BR 2 Bath tri-level renewed, garage fenced yard 3624 Quail Hollow Rd $990.00/mo

1BR mobile home, renewed, new hardwood floors, 3378 Milledgeville Rd $400.00/mo.

Is that what they’re calling it these days?

Rent / Lease

Have you ever raced a lobster?

the innocents” me blue shots at Tipsy McStumbles. I think her boyfriend had seen this before… there was sort of a calm before the storm. Soon she started running all over Aiken acting like a fool, flirting with other guys and dancing wildly in the streets. Her boyfriend ran after her trying to stop her drunken rampage but to no avail. Que sera sera. For a long time it seemed like we had lost her for good, but as we turned a corner, we heard a familiar hoot and there she was… riding the mechanical bull in front of the Tiki Bar on the corner. Dozens of frat boy types were cheering her on, but not her boyfriend. I think he’s getting a new girlfriend. Those damn lobster races.

1655 Brinson Street, Augusta 1BR / 1BA Fixer Upper Owner Financing or Cash Discount $400 Down $273 Month 1-803-403-9555 or 803-929-111

All declassified ads are Cash in Advance (credit card payment required) and are $40 per week. Visit metrospirit.com to place your ad, or call 706.496.2535.

declassifieds

With more Mexican restaurants in Augusta than McDonald’s, we wound up hitting three of them on Cinco de Mayo. Top shelf margaritas. On the rocks. No salt. Then, keeping with a Latin theme we hit the GreenJackets game. Those Dominican boys sure are cute. Yeah... that’s all I remember. The Lobster Races in Aiken had nothing to do with lobsters. Or racing. It had everything to do with thousands of locals getting their buzz on at the biggest block party of the year in downtown Aiken. Lots of vendors, light draft beer, three bands playing live music and lots of drunken youte. And of course… drama. Ahhh, the block party. A girl who ended up hanging out with us got wasted on “name redacted to protect

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 41

the download Matt Stone

Mike and Tom really like snacks A lot of podcasts out there are based around interviews, talking and telling jokes, or being informative. And then there’s Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, commonly known as MATES, which consists of comedians/actors Michael Ian Black and Tom Cavanaugh eating, discussing and rating snacks. That’s it. No guests, just Mike and Tom eating snacks. Each week a new snack is put on the table and dissected, literally. I will go ahead and put this out there, this is my favorite podcast. Absurd

words, they wanted to work together again. Their bright idea? A venture in which they banter about ridiculous topics, make up stories and enjoy snacks. So far on MATES, Mike and Tom have sampled everything from bananas to muffins, nuts to even the classic Snickers bar. I had a chance to talk to Michael Ian Black last week via Twitter (follow me @MattStoneToGo). I gave him the challenge of answering three questions in a 140 characters or less.

Honey, it’s time to paint! Interior · Exterior · High Quality · Great Prices

Painting your house is one of the best ways to add value to your home.

humor at it’s best. It helps that one of the hosts, Michael Ian Black, is a comedy hero of mine. You might not know his name, but you’ll definitely recognize Black, who has a background in sketch comedy thanks to the MTV series “The State,” his comedy troupe Stella and his last venture on Comedy Central, “Michael vs. Michael.” He also was on every episode of “Remember the ’80s” and in one of my favorite movies, “Wet Hot American Summer.” Tom went the more traditional route of classic acting, getting his big break with the NBC series “Ed,” where the two actors actually met and ended up working together for four years. You may also know Tom from “Scrubs” and, for the 8-year-olds reading this, he was Ranger Smith in 2010 version of “Yogi Bear.” So, why do a podcast? In their own

42 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

Metro Spirit: Besides your co-host, if you could eat a snack with any celebrity, who would it be? Michael Ian Black: I don’t think they count as celebrities, but one of those slave girls from the Roman Empire that feed stuff to you. MS: Okay, you are sitting in an electric chair and you have one last snack to enjoy. Name that snack. MIB: Salt-water taffy because it takes a really long-time eat. (Preferably maple fudge flavor.) MS: Do you have special attire for when you are enjoying eating snacks? MIB: The only attire required is a winning attitude and a smile. Fortunately I’ve got both. Since the podcast is fairly new, only 14 episodes in, download episode one and enjoy from there. Oh, and heads up; listener discretion is advised.

We pressure wash homes too!

! s e v o r p p A HEY! This guy painted our new office!

Best Painting Services 706.589.3954

since.... well... FOREVER

Ball

Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-Talk-Sports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@gmail.com.

Matt Lane

What are the odds? When it comes to what we watch on television, my brother and I could not be any further apart in our tastes. I say that to give this column its proper context: We rarely watch TV together. To his credit, he is someone who would much rather be out doing things and not be a slave to his couch. Me on the other hand, well, I’m not above religiously watching a TV series that is destined to be canceled after one season, much less two episodes (“Lone Star” on Fox, and, yes, it’s still a touchy subject). Yet somehow we have managed to catch two fascinating — albeit for completely different reasons — pieces of true “reality” TV on the same couch thanks to the NBA. 1. “The Malice at the Palace” game, Nov. 19, 2004 — A regular-season game against the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers. Incomparable to anything seen in NBA history where a flagrant foul on the court morphed into an every-fan-forhimself brawl that carried into the stands. Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson, then of the Pacers, mainly led the melee that garnered them not only heavy suspensions and millions of dollars lost in salary, but legal consequences stacked on top of that. 2. Los Angeles Lakers-Dallas Mavericks, Game 4 of the second round Western Conference Playoffs May 8, 2011 — How it’ll be viewed in retrospect: A series-

sweeping Game 4 against the defending champs for the first time since 2007 when the Miami Heat were bounced in the first round by the Chicago Bulls. A blowout that was over midway through the second quarter when the Mavericks pushed the lead to 20+ points with explosive shooting from bench players Jason Terry (32 points), Jose Juan Barea (22) and Peja Stojakovic (21). With the game out of reach in the fourth quarter, Lamar Odom beelines for Dirk Nowitzki and launches himself into Dirk the same way Ray Lewis would punish a receiver coming across the middle. As classless a move as it was, it was trumped moments later by Andrew Bynum, who threw an elbow into Barea while attempting a lay up. Both were ejected immediately. It was also Phil Jackson’s last game on the bench for the Lakers — 11 championships, five with Lakers — and they could not have looked more disinterested and embarrassing. While the second event didn’t evoke me to say, “My god, he’s going into the stands!” like the first one did, its storylines were no less plentiful on Mother’s Day of all days. Which begs the question as to why she relented and let us watch basketball on her special day? Because we watched it together.

S R E T T I H K C UI

How about the hoarder off Stevens Creek Road with the grenades last week? Thankfully, they weren’t live. Now if only they could do something about the live ones at Coyote’s. High school baseball games: refreshing and affordable. It’s also a great place to take a date because, while you might not be much for conversation, what girl would turn down free tanning? No sophomore slump for “Justified.” The season finale certainly lived up to my expectations. Thought for sure they would keep Mags Bennett around for another season of hijinx.

PERI -P ERI C AFE

Free Bottle of Peri-Peri Sauce Combos only $7.99 (includes side and drink) Choose from 8 ﬂavors of Peri-Peri Sauces

Bring in this ad to get your free bottle!

we are located inside of

2825 Washington Rd., Hours: Mon:11-3, Tue-Fri:10-6, Sat:11-3 see full menu at dichickos.com. join us on facebook for daily specials.

Ne tu

w L if

Offer expires 5/31/11

318 Baston Road, Suite 102 Martinez, GA. 30907 HOURS: Mon.-Fri. 10-5pm/Sat: 10-4pm PHONE: 706.945.0176 ConsignDesign102@hotmail.com

w/ purchase of a combo!

“fan us on facebook to see our new arrivals”

r a l F oo

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 43

JENNY is WRIGHT Grocery shopping is fun I enjoy going to the grocery store. I make a list, I plan the week’s meals and I rarely buy anything not on the list. I like finding a deal and being organized. That being said, I’m not an Extreme Couponer. I’m not even a Couponer. The shows about these people who buy eleventy-million packs of sliced ham for a grand total of $.60 baffle me. Who needs that much stuff? I saw a lady checking out last week with 37 bags of croutons. For real. How on God’s green earth will they not go stale prior to consumption? When that happens I suppose she can grind them up to make breadcrumbs. Besides actually making my own croutons, that’s the only thing I know to do with stale bread. Does anyone else see the added step here? Once, when I had mustard on the list, a Couponer was buying every single container of brand-name mustard (because she needed them all?) which left me mustardless and she offered me one yellow bottle, a coupon for that and another for free honey mustard. The deal she was after gave me two free bottles of mustard. I’ll admit that was fun. However, the real joy of grocery shopping comes with what you see when you’re not just looking at your list. There was the lady who had her small dog (in the store) with its painted fingernails and whatnot and she was consulting her canine about which flavors of soup to purchase. Also worth mentioning is the woman who donned head to toe brown spandex, which looked so skin-like that The Girl even said (out loud) “Mama, is she naked?” During Masters Week, my regular haunts were slap in the middle of traffic, so I had to divert to a Wrightsboro Road grocery store. It’s the store we always used when we lived in our first home, but I hadn’t been in some time. I was in a slight hurry, with only three things on my list: milk, wine and bread. If you’d ever been to this specific store, you’d know that these items are nowhere near one another. Sweet. On my way from one end of the

44 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

store to the other I got distracted on the cereal aisle, where an apparent husband was asking his wife if he could get oatmeal. She assured him that “this damn cereal” was not on the list. Because I was in a hurry, I kept walking, despite the strong urge to satisfy my curiosity. Fortunately for me, this guy’s mom was on another aisle but moving quickly thanks to her moto-scooter, so I found them among the bread. He told on his wife (who was still near the cereal, not quite as mobile as her mother in law) and man, the MIL was ticked. She scooted so fast I wasn’t sure I could keep up. But I did. Discretely, of course. The fight that ensued was unreal. Scooter Lady ducking, on wheels, back and forth, hurling packages of hot dogs by her dear daughter-in-law. The only thing the DIL had to duck was the strong words of her now angry MIL. About five minutes later, the store manager came to settle things down. Everyone somehow left satisfied. I’m pretty sure I saw oatmeal in the cart. See, grocery shopping can be fun. For budget’s sake, stick to your list, but always watch for flying hot dogs.

advice goddess Amy Alkon

So, His Wild Oats I offhandedly mentioned to a friend that I thought her married brother was really cute. She revealed that his divorce (from a 10-year marriage) would soon be final. (It will be at the end of this month.) She then played matchmaker. He and I have been dating for three months. Things were going fabulously — until a few nights ago. We were picking a movie to watch on his laptop, and I noticed one of his browser pages was opened to match.com. He saw that I saw it but said nothing. The thought that he’s continuing his search for romance hurts. I feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve gone from being comfortable seeing where this goes to wanting to have the “define the relationship” talk. Am I being irrational? Should I just try to relax? (Of course, he could’ve been on Match because he’s

canceling his membership or tying up loose ends.) — Beside Myself Sure, the guy could’ve been on Match to cancel his membership — or to inflate his salary and height. He’s just getting out of a 10-year marriage. This is the time for a man to play the field — or, in Tennyson’s words, “When sprung, a young man’s fancy turns to ill-advised sex with a string of bar sluts.” Whoops, just as he was about to finish picking the lock on his ball and chain, up popped you. He likes you, he’s having fun with you, but the timing is still the timing. Instead of expecting him to take himself off the market before he’s even signed his divorce papers, consider that his comparison shopping is not only in his best interest but yours. If, after seeing who’s out

there, he comes back to you, it’s because he wants you for all the things you are, as opposed to the one thing you’re not: his almost-ex-wife. Of course you want to nail down a good thing — especially when you suspect it’s been trolling the Internet for your replacement. But, having the “define the relationship” talk at this point would most likely define the relationship right out of existence. You can’t make a man commit. What you can do is make the most out of whatever time you have together — which takes accepting that things end and that you can’t order up love without the risks: “I’ll take the candle-lit dinners, regular sex and somebody to snake the drain — but no heartbreak, no pickles and a Diet Coke with three ice cubes.”

It’s actually when you stop trying to hang on to a guy and you just try to have fun hanging out that he’s more likely to want to stick around. Tell this guy you understand his situation and the timing, and just ask whether he’s dating other women. He should get the sense that you aren’t somebody he can put on hold indefinitely, and you should set up some sort of cutoff date in your own mind to ensure that he won’t. Meanwhile, if he isn’t exclusive to you, you should make yourself a little less available. Give him a chance to miss you. In time, maybe he’ll be all yours — or maybe he won’t. If you need a guarantee, date a washing machine. You can tell people you met online — on sears.com: “I flirted with a Whirlpool first, but he had me at 30 percent off until midnight.”

Reserve Your Spot Today.

Our next Garage Party™ will be May 14, 2011 6:00pm-8:00pm. Call Donna 706-651-0444.

AUGUSTA HARLEY-DAVIDSON® 4200 Belair Frontage Road, Augusta, GA. 30909 www.augustahd.com

706-651-0444

METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11 45

austin R

Rock You Like a Herman Cain Georgia-based radio talk-show host and retired businessman Herman Cain has quickly gone from nowhere to likely being the latest overnight success of the GOP. The 2012 contest for the White House looks to be a knock-down drag-out of Biblical proportions no matter who the Republicans nominate to run against President Barack Obama, but could it be against the only man in the field who shares ethnicity with our first black chief executive? Stranger things have happened, and one need look no further than the political ascension of the current president for the proof and inspiration that such a thing can happen. South Carolina hosted the first Republican presidential debate last weekend, and perhaps it is fitting that the upstart challenger picked our next-door neighbor to stage his first offensive. The War Against Northern Aggression (noted with tongue firmly in cheek) started in the

Palmetto State, so why not Cain’s crush? Herman Cain was certainly an unusual candidate as he took on Georgia Republican royalty when he ran in the primary against Johnny Isakson for the U.S. Senate in 2004. A frequent campaign trail visitor to my studio not long after he lost that primary, I invited him to guest host the afternoon radio show for two consecutive days. Still smarting from Isakson’s outright 53 percent win over both him and Mac Collins, Cain was reluctant to see the value or the need to drudge back to Augusta and spend six hours with my Augusta area audience. After about 20 minutes of discussion back and forth on the topic, I was able to convince him of the worth, particularly in light of his intention to run for office again soon. To say he was was a hit would be an understatement. According to afternoon producer Troy Bradley, Cain’s

on-air success did not come without apprehension and a not so small case of nervousness, but it was clear to those observing and participating in the local broadcast that they were watching a star being born. Cain took tapes of his first six hours ever serving as host and soon launched a plan to syndicate a weekend show out of Atlanta to stations across Georgia looking for original weekend programming. That show was a modest success, but, more importantly, gave him the needed experience to take his impressive life experience and conservative political pedigree straight to the most powerful newstalk radio station in the southeastern United States, WSB-AM. It is very easy for political conservatives to love everything about Herman Cain. He is brutally honest, highly entertaining and extraordinarily charismatic. Oh... and did I mention... he is black. He is an exceptionally bright man, and while I know that is a bit odd to have to say about a person with Cain’s resume and personal history, I feel it is important to report, firsthand, that his intellect, while vast, has not put him on another planet. You know, the planet where liberal intellectuals live. The planet where the same physical laws that apply on this earth mean nothing at all. On the liberal intellectual’s home

Create Your Desired Climate with Summit Green Solutions.

WHATLEY BUSH | 706.691.6041 SUMMITGREENSOLUTIONS.COM 46 METRO SPIRIT 5.12.11

planet (LIHP), spending obscene amounts of money on inner-city public schools must provide results, because here, it clearly does not. On the LIHP, passing restrictive firearms laws must make criminal violence decrease, because here, it clearly does not. Herman Cain is every bit as smart as President Barack Obama, but unlike the president, he has actually met a payroll, satisfied customers and made money. Oh, and he managed to beat a serious case of cancer not long ago as well, so he has a view of private sector health care that the president has only seen from the hospital waiting room. Cain has real-world experience and common sense, and the acknowledgement that today’s world requires out-of-the-box thinking that our current president is scared to death to pursue. And did I mention he is black? Not that it matters... but if it does... he is. So we have that base covered. What else do we need? The fact that this “overnight success” owes his “quick start” in the media business to two successful days doing talk radio in Augusta just makes his story that much more cool. And that it is. The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll take it!

3061 Washington Rd. Augusta GA, 30907

706-860-1111