Metro Spirit 12.08.2011 by Metro Spirit

TABLE of CONTENTS

whine line - TOM TOMORROW - INSIDER - AUSTIN RHODES metro - NY TIMES CROSSWORD - RUFFIN’ IT - AUGUSTA TEK - FEATURE are you not entertained - CALENDAR - SIGHTINGS the8 slab - IN MUSIC - BALL - AMY ALKON: ADVICE GODDESS - JENNY IS WRIGHT

04 04 06 08 09 11 12 13 19 27 28 34 35 37 42 44 45 46

Put a little

CAJUN in your stocking Monday -Thursday nights One pound of shrimp (fried, grilled or boiled) $9.99

Tuesday night

Crab Legs served with redskin potatoes and mixed green salad $7.99 a pound

Wednesday night

Bone in fried catfish over blue cheese grits and salad $6.99

Want to advertise in the Metro Spirit? 706.496.2535 or 706.373.3636 AmyChristian|production director amy@themetrospirit.com

JoeWhite|publisher-sales manager joe@themetrospirit.com

GabrielVega|lead designer gabe@themetrospirit.com

BrendaCarter|account executive brenda@themetrospirit.com

EricJohnson|writer eric@themetrospirit.com

LigéHaab|account executive lige@themetrospirit.com

RobertLong|writer robert@themetrospirit.com

LaurenRoman|account executive lauren@themetrospirit.com

JenniferPoole|publisher’s assisstant jennifer@themetrospirit.com

JohnnyBeckworth|circulation manager johnny@themetrospirit.com

AmyPerkins|editorial intern

MichaelJohnson|sightings

ErinGarrett|photography intern

JordanWhite|design intern

COVER DESIGN | KRUHU.COM

Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

V. 22 | NO. 67

*dine in only

French Market Grille West

375 Fury’s Ferry Rd. next to Earth Fare · 706.855.5111 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

WHINELINE I wish these psudo-religious people would quit telling me to have a “blessed” day. Aren’t “nice” days annoying enough? And what is a “blessed” day anyway? Is it sort of like a “nice” day with extras? And how do you “have” one? Do you have to call a priest to “bless” it? Inquiring minds need to know. I heard on the news that the Christmas tree downtown came from PA and it cost $7,000.00 to ship it down here. First, why did it cost that much? That seems very excessive. Second, why did it have to come from PA? We have plenty of suitable trees nearby. Third, why don’t they just buy an artificial tree and reuse it every year? The city would be saving money after just the first two years of use. People need to be questioning this spending! To the complainer of “Happy Holidays”. Thanks for once again pointing out how myopic some Christians tend to be. Christmas is NOT the only religious celebration observed during this season. Even if it was, what does buying tacky overpriced gifts have to do with the life and teachings of Jesus Christ? If you really want to be a “good” Christian take all that cash you want to withhold from those awful merchants who dare to try to be inclusive and give it to a homeless shelter. Then go work at a soup kitchen, hold some HIV orphans, and stop annoying people. Your Lord and Savior will be so proud and the rest of us will just be grateful. Changing lanes with no turn signals, cutting out from a side street barely missing oncoming traffic, driving with only parking lights on, driving with no

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

lights on in the rain, rolling through stop signs, speeding through red lights, cutting in and out of traffic...no wonder Augusta ranked #3 out of the top 15 most dangerous U.S. cities to drive in! How can anyone propose to move forward as a community when all major interested parties are pulling backward, toward themselves, in order to lay claim on ideas, rather than developing them together? To all the people (AKA deluded soccer Moms from Evans) complaining about the type of people who hang around Downtown. Either you’ve never been to larger cities with larger amounts of “thugs” & “crazies”, or you really do expect all downtown areas to be swarming with clean & sparkly wealthy folks who all know your name. I can speak for those of us who live down here & say that the only person who harasses/bums on/threatens me is that overbearing, lanky white lady with the Jesus pamphlets. How many times do I have to tell her that I’m a Scientologist before she GIVES UP? To the insider about Harrisburg and MCG buying property here: well DUH! We who live in Harrisburg have known this for years. The only problem is that they don’t want to help the neighborhood short term. They, and those in collusion with them, namely local developers who stand to make insane profits from the deal, are perfectly happy to let the area go down so that they can buy low then sell high. Conspiracy theory? How can it be a conspiracy theory when it’s working as planned? I am your fellow American. Please

do not charge your Christmas this year. Buy what you need. Buy what you can afford. If your loved ones hate you for it, then they’ve lost the meaning of the whole thing to begin with and need to do a little reassessing. Buying more will not save our country. Learning to live without wanting unnecessary, material things will change this country. Your driver is “very, very” reckless. Going 60MPH on a 45MPH road and weaving in and out of traffic is not worth my life, no matter how delicious your cakes are. Dude, you forgot who gave you your start in music. If it wasn’t for us you would still be sitting in your living room figuring out how to turn your equipment on. Remember that. Your cheating heart, will tell on you, Herman will cry “no way,” but they

will tell on and on ... Ron Double Cross and Spring Lakes Trey have fubarred Columbia County with Magnolia Trace. Only three options describe them: They got their palms greased, they got the proverbial wool pulled over their faces, they are stupid. Really enjoying the chicken restaurant on Columbia Road. Better cooked food than some others I’ve been to, close to home, and last night one employee was kind enough to bring us our food, exchange the sauce, and clean up our trash all with the best attitude. Keep it up! I was listening to the Austin on the local talk radio the other day when Michelle Bachman was on and I could have sworn I heard a back handed slap when he mentioned his cashless society. I was embarrassed for him.

up THUMBS

To those who say “Merry Christmas,” or “Happy Holidays” for that matter, as a gesture of goodwill rather than as a challenge.

down THUMBS

A firearms retailer has begun a new marketing campaign, warning voters that gun control is one election away. In “Faces of Gun Control,” President Obama is shown alongside infamous world leaders such as Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Idi Amin. Thing is, the picture of Amin is actually actor Forest Whitaker, who played the despot in “The Last King of Scotland.”

V. 22 | NO. 67

WHINELINE@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

Did he ever agree to the I.Q test? I would buy tickets to that one.... Herman Cain found a way to get liberals on his side. His campaign was done in by a White! metro spirit: the village voice you are not. not even close. but your sad little paper does come in right handy as starter fuel for the fireplace, the base of raised garden beds, and an absorbing agent at the bottom of the waste basket, for those nasty little leaks from garbage bags. thanks! Jenny Goff Wright’s column is one of the main reasons I never fail to look for a copy of Metro Spirit. Her observations

are always dead-on (i.e. facebook) and I love her dry wit. She should be a keeper!

ONE ONEHOPE Wines are created with Rob Mondavi Jr. in Napa Valley, CA. With every glass or bottle purchased HALF of

To the intolerant jerk who feels that stores that do not display/say Merry Christmas should be boycotted... are you so little minded as to forget there are others out there that do not celebrate the same holidays as you? I find it an affront when this whole Christmas thing is forced upon on me. With so many people celebrating everything from Kwanza to Hanukkah to Festivus to Christmas why oh why oh why is wishing someone Happy Holidays such a terrible thing?

ONEHOPE’s profits are donated to partner charities.

SAUVIGNON BLANC

Supports the fight to save Our Planet. Stainless steel fermented, our Sauvignon Blanc is pale straw in color with flavors of pink grapefruit and slight undertones of grass. Its refreshing and bright acidity makes this a memorable wine.

CHARDONNAY Supports the fight against Breast Cancer. Our Chardonnay displays aromas of fresh apple blossom and honey suckle. Flavors of crisp pear and apple compliment its balance of oak and bright acidity.

MERLOT Supports the fight against AIDS. Our Merlot is a bright cherry color with subtle notes of toasty spice from aging in a combination of American and French oak. It’s rich tannins make it an easy match with any meal.

PINOT NOIR RESERVE

Supports Children’s Hospitals. Our Pinot Noir holds deep on the nose, aromas of raspberries, blackberries and roses. This delicate grape harnesses a lush velvety texture, balanced by structure and a long rich finish.

ZINFANDEL

Supports the families of fallen troops. Deep red in color this Zinfandel has plum, black cherry and dark fruit flavors in addition to the hints of pepper and spice on the finish.

CABERNET SAUVIGNON Supports the fight against Autism. Dark Ruby in color with aromas of black cherry and a hint of tabaco. It is aged in American and French oak to give it a layer of spice and soft tannins.

WWW.ONEHOPEWINE.COM FACEbOOk.COM/ONEHOPEWINE @ONEHOPEwiNE

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

INSIDER

Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

“Welcome to Columbia County… …we’ll be on the other side of the fence”

You’ve almost got to feel sorry for the commissioners of Columbia County. When they play to their audience, slapping a moratorium on apartments or shutting down Marshall Square because the idea of uninvested citizens living in the city center was too disagreeable, they get an earful from their progressiveminded Richmond County neighbors, who feel that keeping out riff raff like them just isn’t very sociable. But when these same commissioners, some of whom have made a career out of “keeping out the riff raff,” find themselves actually loosening their restrictions, whether intentionally or by lazily rubber stamping one of those resolutions of support that come zipping across their desks, they get chased through Evans Town Center Park with torches and pitchforks by their own while hearing very little in the way of support by those constantly chiding them to loosen up. Not even an attaboy. And with so many within the county now rushing to whip off their WWRD bracelets, you can count on Brett McGuire issuing a big old “I told you so” any day now. Oh, the betrayal. Those loyal Columbia County residents in opposition to the 50-home Magnolia Trace development, the ones

willing to take their Christmas business to Augusta’s Toys R’Us rather than drop a dime at Trey Allen’s toy store, are incensed to find out there might be someone in Columbia County other than county government willing to accept a little help from the government. Vouchers? Subsidies? What do you think this is, Cherry Tree Crossing? But really — no matter how far off the reservation the commission might stray, don’t you think Sheriff Clay Whittle would pull a George Washington before allowing a Cherry Tree Crossing to grow on his watch? Is it possible to put up a fence to keep these people out of their back yard, someone shouted at the commission meeting that served as a high-octane gripe session and often erupted into shouts and finger pointing and eye rolling from the crowd. “Only a six foot privacy fence,” was the answer. “I’m not talking about a privacy fence,” the person responded. “I want a Bobby Jones fence.” And then there were those so eager to have the county buy up the property to keep it from going to the dogs. Where do you draw the line with that one? Funny how free people are with taxpayers’ money when they want to buy

something that will personally help them out. There is, of course, the county’s side to the story, all those positives the commissioners are so desperate to talk about but none of the loudmouths seem to be listening to — what if it’s really not the end of the world? What if the gypsies entering the palace aren’t any different than the rest of Martinez? And let’s not forget — this is Martinez we’re talking about, not Evans. Martinez — the land of tiny lots and supersized traffic, tattoo parlors and Family Dollars just down the block. The place that’s more Richmond County than Columbia County. That’s not to say they deserve a Cherry Tree Crossing, just the development as it’s drawn really isn’t that out of character to its surroundings. It’s funny how those so against elitism can so quickly turn their backs on the rest of society. What if the cops and nurses and teachers that make up the “workforce housing” population turn out to be great neighbors? What if people who have to (gasp) rent actually turn out to be pretty good people? Those in attendance didn’t come to be rational, however. Not an entire roomful. They were baited and prodded by Austin Rhodes’ relentless fear mongering and the News-Times’ very considerate

event listing of a news story that made sure those unfamiliar with public meetings knew just where to go to get their pound of flesh. And Austin’s disciples received a rare treat when the radio host turned civic activist (or egoist or shameless program promoter) stepped through the microphone and went from being a driver of the news to an actual participant, finger waving and voice dripping with motivated indignation. Why be so surly to a group of people or developers who have had a right to be where they’re planning to be — and the way they’re planning to be there — since 1979? Because for all the nastiness going around, the only finger the commission lifted to help make this happen was the one that steered the pen that signed that letter of support. The commission didn’t rezone anything. The Planning Commission didn’t grease any wheels. If they had, they could kiss more than their political futures goodbye — they could kiss away all their Columbia County street cred, too. And there in the county, that matters. As we’ve seen, the streets of Columbia County aren’t all that welcoming for those who don’t walk on the right side of the road.

Don’t Forget to Tip the Pizza Guy The Godfather fails to deliver

It’s over. Blessedly and finally over. As of September 30, Herman Cain had spent $4,007,188 on his campaign, 87 percent of which came from individual contributors. Flush. Too bad for them… not so much for him. Cain managed to Palin an unsuspecting public. Thanks to all those

individual contributions, the almost unknown radio talk show host is now one of the most recognizable faces in the country. And he’s certain to be one of the richer ones soon. While campaigning around the country, he was also shilling his book and giving motivational speeches. Now that he’s got some free time, he can really rake it in… at least

until the worm turns and he can pull a Gingritch and reenter the political world again. Running for president to raise your profile for fun and profit? A cool $4 million. Hoovering that much from people just looking for something to believe in? Priceless.

IF YOU’RE GONNA USE ME, AT LEAST USE ME RIGHT! Reservations appreciated (not required| free of charge)

AUGUSTA’S ONLY BIG GREEN EGG COOKING CLASS EVERY TUESDAY 5:30PM UNTIL HOLIDAY HAM!!! 1242 Broad St. | Across from Pizza Joint 6

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

IdRatherBeFireside.com V. 22 | NO. 67

INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

Look Up!

City might continue buying big air if parking deck expands As Fred Russell prepares to present a cranky commission the final draft of the TEE Center Parking Deck management agreement commissioners sent him back to negotiate, insiders are contemplating what happens after. Not after the agreement’s signed, but after the TEE Center opens and the damn thing’s full. The deck was built for expansion — just look at how unfinished the Broad Street side is compared to the Reynolds Street showpiece — but you wonder how a commission that can’t seem to

stomach the idea of air rights, which some commissioners are starting to admit were never really a surprise but were either conveniently forgotten or simply overlooked the way Matt Aitken overlooked those job cuts a couple weeks ago, could actually vote for more of the same. But if the time does come to expand — and that’s a good problem to have, both for the city and for Augusta Riverfront — these commissioners, or the outraged ones that will follow them, may be forced to make that same decision.

The city owns some of the land across from the TV station (a deal that cost the city a couple dozen parking spots in the new deck because, ironically, the parking deck took the station’s parking) but the rest of the build-out will occur over Augusta Riverfront land, meaning the city’s going to have to get back into the air rights business, bow out or pony up some bucks for the land so it can satisfy antsy commissioners who don’t like to feel like someone could pull that first floor rug out from under then. Or you might expect a little horse

trading reminiscent of what want on in the late ’90s, when the commission swung a deal with Augusta Riverfront to forgive a portion of an Urban Development Action Grant (UDAG) in exchange for a cut of gross rentals on the total convention space, a deal people are still scratching their heads over. That was a different time, of course, and a different commission… but the same guys sitting on the other side of the table.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors Drink specials, not so much

After a long bout of silence, insiders are reporting that a local bar owner is starting to talk about the rowdy neighbor whose irresponsible behavior is threatening his livelihood. Police, ambulances and girls peeing in the parking lot are becoming the norm, and word is the landlords are being

asked to step in. It’s already an ugly situation, but if something doesn’t happen soon, it could turn serious. Given the stakes, it’ll be interesting to see how it all plays out. Stay tuned.

706-738-4536

riversandglen.com

387 Highland Ave. | Augusta, GA 30909 Mon through Fri 10 to 6 & Sat 10 to 5

Augusta’s specialty retail and fly fishing outfitters

Classic Gifts for Him

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

AUSTINRHODES

The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

Arrogance, Stupidity or Corruption? What in the hell were they thinking? Two of Columbia County’s usually conservative commissioners were apparently riding herd on the movement over a year ago to get full commission approval on an agreement to welcome and encourage the Magnolia Trace housing project. The subsidized subdivision, which I believe is the first of its kind in suburban Columbia County, will be located right smack dab in the middle of one of the oldest and established areas of Martinez. The concept has gone over with the surrounding neighbors like a racy limerick in a monastery: There once was a fellow named Cross... In Evans they said he was boss... He brought in low rent... His credibility spent... Blaming hysteria and memory loss... Well, that doesn’t sound racy, but it does tell the story of hundreds of residents being screwed, all at once, no less.

The specifics will be playing out at Waterloo... um... I mean... the commission meeting... set to take place about two minutes after this column was submitted on deadline for your approval. Just for kicks and giggles, please enjoy some real estate intelligence prepared by my Steeler fan buddy Joe Loomer, a veteran Realtor who insists the project will be a net gain, at least in raw property value, for the community. Magnolia Trace is surrounded by Petersburg Station to the north, west and southwest and El Cordero and Phillips Estates to the east and southeast. Petersburg Station was built in the early ’80s. Of the 19 sales in Petersburg Station this year, six were distressed (31.5 percent) and sold at an average price of $84,956. The average sale price year-to-date for non-distressed sales in Petersburg Station is $122,788. El Cordero and Phillips Estates were built in the ’60s and ’70s, respectively. The average sales price for the three sales this year in Phillips Estates is $83,633. Two of those sales were

foreclosed properties. There have only been two sales in 2011 in El Cordero — both owner-occupant sales — one of which was a large home of 2,576 square feet which sold for $179,000 in March, the other a small 1,326 square foot ranch which sold for $84,900 in August. The average sale price in 2011 for the 36 sold homes zoned specifically for all three affected schools — South Columbia Elementary, Lakeside Middle and Lakeside High School is $96,032. Fourteen of those sales were foreclosures (38.88 percent). Magnolia Trace — if they build true to their fact sheet — will be improving the value and quality of the construction in the area — not hurting it. Which calls for the question: How can building 1300-1500 square foot homes with modern building materials including energy efficient standards for roofing, air conditioning, water use and heating, and including amenities like two-car garages, sidewalks, streetlights and a neighborhood clubhouse hurt this area?

Very interesting information, to be sure. But as I reminded Joe, it is not the physical development that neighbors are concerned about, it is the personal behavior and habits of the people who will be moving into the nice, new, shiny housing. Concentrated, government subsidized housing has never, ever, ever contributed to a neighborhood’s standard of living in this area. But who knows, there is a first time for almost everything. I don’t believe this will be one of those times.

Celebrating our our Sixth Sixth Anniversary Anniversary in in Martinez! Martinez! Celebrating Always made from scratch for discerning taste buds.

BUY ONE,

GET ONE FREE FOUR PIECECHICKEN STRIP MEAL MARTINEZ LOCATION ONLY | 3909 Washington Rd

ONE PER CUSTOMER | NO SUBSTITUTES MAY NOT BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER DISCOUNT OFFER expires 12.14.11

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRONEWS

ERICJOHNSON

Hot Zone

Commissioners endure insults over low-income development The turmoil surrounding the Magnolia Trace subdivision, a development that will provide affordable housing through tax credits obtained by the Georgia Department of Community Affairs, reached a boiling point at Tuesday’s commission meeting, where a standing-room-only crowd of angry residents showed up to protest the development and hurl insults at the commissioners they say allowed it, particularly Chairman Ron Cross and District 2 Commissioner Trey Allen. The situation has been brewing since just before Thanksgiving, when fliers warning of “Section 8 housing” began circulating through Martinez. According to Cross, who allowed the crowd to vent their considerable displeasure for more than two hours, Magnolia Trace’s 50 single-family rental homes will be an asset to the area and a step up from what could potentially be there, since the land has an R-3 zoning that allows higher density developments. “We looked at it initially like it was the better of the choices for an area that’s already zoned R-3,” Cross said before the meeting. “In regular R-3, you can go in there and have a 6,000 square foot lot, where these are 7,500 square feet. You can build a little shack that you could sell or rent if you wanted with no limitation in size, so we thought the program they presented was as good as this could possibly go, even though it was subsidized rent.” The land has been zoned R-3 since 1979 and Cross maintains that the average cost of a dwelling in Magnolia Trace will be higher than the average cost in the surrounding neighborhood. According to a fact sheet provided by the county, the three- and fourbedroom homes will be worth $190,000 each. Detractors, however, feel that regardless of the property value or the conditions the developer assures will be enforced, including credit and background checks, the fact that the houses are being built specifically for lower income families is enough to ignite fear and considerable anger against the commissioners who endorsed the project in a 2010 resolution. Opponents refuse to acknowledge a distinction between an endorsement and an approval, though Cross and Allen were adamant about describing V. 22 | NO. 67

the difference. Because the developer was not requesting a rezoning, there was nothing for the commission to approve

or disapprove. The endorsement resolution was simply a part of the application process required by the DCA. Allen said the DCA no longer

requires the endorsement and read a response from a DCA representative explaining that the developer “absolutely” could have received METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

approval for the project had the county chosen not to endorse it. Cross reiterated that the endorsement is the only thing that has changed about the property since it was zoned R-3 in 1979 and said the county cannot arbitrarily rezone property to prevent a development like this from coming in. Opponents, however, disagreed that there was nothing the county could do to prevent the development, with cries of “You wouldn’t have it in your backyard” being hurled at the commissioners and a person holding a makeshift sign advocating recalling Cross and Allen. Cross insists the rent itself is market rate — $800 to $900 a month — though the subsidy takes the cost to the renter down to less than $500 a month, which is where Cross says his only misstep lies. “The only thing I was surprised about, and it never did occur to me to inquire, was the amount of the subsidy,” he said. “I didn’t really get into that and look into the amount, but we did talk about the quality of the neighborhood.” Though still admitting there was nothing they could do to stop the project, Allen made a motion to hire outside legal council to aid the county in its relationship with the

developer. The motion was expanded to include sending a list of concerns and a video copy of the meeting to the DCA and the developer in order to accurately portray the magnitude of the community’s lack of approval.

Though Cross admitted that in hindsight they “could have done a million things differently,” he steadfastly refused to back down from his original statement: when he resolved to endorse the project it was

because he thought it was a good project for the area, and in spite of the level of opposition, he gave no indication that he feels any differently now, something that obviously enraged those in attendance.

Saturday November 26, 2011 · 9a-3p · Shop Small Saturday!!! 7013 Evans Town Center Blvd | Suite 201, Evans

A Therapeutic Gift Certificate The Best Gift for everyone on your list! Mom Dad Wife Husband Girlfriend Boyfriend Grandma

We've Moved! Visit us in our new location across the way from the Lady A!

Grandpa Son Daughter Police Officer Veterinarian Teacher Nurse

Doctor Aunt Uncle Cousin Niece Nephew

Boss Employee Secretary Brother Sister Dog

Well maybe not your dog...

Offer also valid at our Augusta location -Michelle James Hair Productions in Surrey Center. 706.733.9424

706.364.7347

W O M E NSM ASSAG ECE NT E R.COM 10 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

706.651.0202

georgia therapeutic massage All Georgia Licensed Massage Therapists

GA T HE RA P EUTICM ASSAGE.COM V. 22 | NO. 67

YIN/YANG

By Jeff Chen / Edited by Will Shortz 77 Opus ___ 78 Rams, but not dams 79 Rice-___ 80 All together 82 Dismiss 83 Abbr. on a B-52 85 Dance partner? 86 Early online forum 87 Gillette brand name 88 Gift in “The Gift of the Magi” 90 Classic soft drink brand 92 Land o’ blarney 93 Words on an information desk 94 Crow with a powerful voice 97 Guidelines: Abbr. 99 Moo ___ pork 100 Seaside 102 He might put chills up your spine 110 Perfectly 113 Edith’s cranky husband 114 Not straight 115 Dept. of Labor arm 116 Started sneezing and sniffling, say 118 Sorvino of “Mighty Aphrodite” 119 Opponents of us 120 Architect Jones 121 Singer Susan with the 2009 #1 album “I Dreamed a Dream” 122 Wood alternative 123 “No problem!” 124 Fancy car starter? 125 Family of Slammin’ Sammy 126 Some shooters, for short DOWN 1 Uncool set 2 Root of politics 3 Lady’s address 4 Digit protector 5 Bygone Las Vegas hotel/casino with a roller coaster 6 Certain W.M.D. 7 Lay to rest 8 Writer Zora ___ Hurston 9 Singer Tennessee ___ Ford 10 Sly laugh sound 11 Low dice roll 12 Castle guard 13 Some cobblers of lore 14 Sci-fi zapper 15 “The Social Contract” philosopher 16 Suffering from nyctophobia

17 Author Cervantes 18 On the ground, in ballet 25 Flabbergast 30 Some of Keats’s feats 32 Neighbor of Sudan: Abbr. 33 “Bambi” character 37 Walter Mitty, e.g. 38 Lock 40 Master criminal of books and film 41 Establishes 42 Weighing hardly anything 43 Time in Hawaii, maybe 44 MGM motto starter 45 Question asked to one with a hangover 46 Malcolm X adopted it 48 Kuomintang co-founder 51 Is protective of 52 Particularly: Abbr. 54 “CSI” procedure 56 Grilling procedure 57 Bit of stage scenery 59 “Cheers” waitress 61 Coeur d’___, Idaho 70 British weights 71 One of a standard group of five 75 Little bit of French? 81 Singer DiFranco 84 “Bad!” 87 Ring of Fire perils 89 Eight bits 91 It may precede a kiss 93 Yellowfin tuna 94 Skedaddles 95 Island south of Tsugaru Strait 96 Italian automaker since 1906 98 Adirondack chair element 99 Hosts of the 1912 Olympics 101 Some shark products 103 Bits 104 Marilyn who hosted 1980s TV’s “Solid Gold” 105 Mates’ cries 106 Nabisco brand 107 Pirouette 108 Boot, in baseball, e.g. 109 “___ Hope” 111 Corporate bigwig 112 Frozen food brand 117 Sweetie

78 84

107

108

109

L O C K I N H O D E E R A R E B R A A C Y B R U/7 T Y T U R L P I O F E N O R D T/5 O O T I A L A N P O T A O N O M S R O T S R L L A E E T S S A

E M E N D

R E S T S

E N T R E

S S T A R

V I T A M I N B N/1

O S O

39 48

67 72 76

98 102

111

87 92

97 101

110

71 75

100

55 61

112

99 103

104

105

106

113

114

115

116

119

120

121

122

123

124

125

126

A D A P T

T A B L E F P O B R S W/2

P N E U M O N I A

P O D I A

U S I N G

T E E N A

S P A M S

C A M E L

A R E N A

F R E T L E D E O/3 D G R S B A R P I R I Y E R S I E D P N K S R G O O B V B N I N/6 E L T E N E D N O M I N G S S S I W T A N G I R E A R I S G E C H E M T A L A C/9 K S N

34 37

88 94

35 40

PREVIOUSPUZZLEANSWERS

ACROSS 1 Test-drive 5 Scintillate 10 Who wrote “By their own follies they perished, the fools” 15 Name of nine Thai kings 19 Name of five Norwegian kings 20 Dogpatch yokel 21 Name on a B-29 22 “What ___?” 23 Pirates of the Caribbean, e.g. 24 Full of strong feelings 26 Instinctive desire 27 Villainous role for Montalbán 28 Bedelia of children’s literature 29 Fearsome creature with plates on its back 31 Something to enjoy on a beach 34 More foamy 35 “Let’s make ___ true Daily Double, Alex” 36 Two on a line 39 Razz 40 Sleaze 43 Mata ___ (spy) 47 Contented sighs 49 Start of many Portuguese place names 50 Family ___ 51 Gloomy 53 Irving Berlin’s “___ Be Surprised” 55 Area 51 holdings, supposedly 58 Flavor enhancer 59 Representatives in a foreign country 60 Italian woman 62 Amount past due? 63 N.C.A.A. part: Abbr. 64 Absorbed, in a way 65 Breach 66 Qatari bank note 67 It has a crown 68 Turner who led a rebellion 69 Musician’s asset 71 Where the vice president presides 72 Grp. with the 1973 gold album “Brain Salad Surgery” 73 Windy City rail inits. 74 Dud 75 Green hue 76 Perfection, for some

117

118

D U N N M A R I O A P H I C S N E S H T N G H O R D/4 E L I R E M E A L E B I D S M E N S C E R U W A E T T E R S T E X I T S M I T E C O I L E R A I L E R S B L E L S P A R E H U B E A G I C O/8 B C U T E E E T S L

S E C B A R I

S E R A P E

A S S A Y

PLAN FOR ETERNITY LIKE THERE’S Elliott Sons Funeral Homes NO TOMORROW. ELLIOTTFUNERALHOME.COM

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 11

JOSHRUFFIN

Inbred Cuisine

A brief history of gastronomic excesses

Trunk Show

starts Thursday at 7! 351 Highland Avenue | Augusta | 706.364.3421 | Holiday Hours Dec 1 Mon - Sat 10 - 7 Sun 1 - 5

! s r e g r u Murder B TRY OUR

These bad boys are killer!

$7.99

•Fried Green Tomato Burger •Caribbean Jerk Burger •Stuffed Shrooms & Swiss •Cowboy Burger •Stuffed Bacon Double Cheeseburger

EATDRINKBEHAPPY.COM

Fridays & Saturdays : Live Music, 8pm - until Wednesday: Trivia, 7pm w/ Red Headed Stepchild Cliff Bennett

12 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

706.724.4511

fee, not to mention the free top-of-theline health care and platinum sex-bots with which all Metro Spirit employees are provided, but I’ve always felt an obligation to give back to the community I constantly berate, so I also work as an adjunct English professor at a local university (which shall remain nameless, as any word stronger than “poo” makes my superiors cry). After spending seven years in college and grad school, this is sort of like passing the bar exam and then working as a boom operator on the set of “Judge Judy.” Clams have more opportunity for career advancement. In any case, I’m right in the middle of grading 75 10-page research papers by my freshman composition students, which is the most drawn-out form of torture this side of a “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” marathon, and it’s taking up all my time. So when Joe [White, Metro Spirit publisher] told me this week’s topic was “turducken” (look it up if you’re one of the four people who don’t know what that is), my first instinct was to highlight the juxtaposition of such a needlessly rich dish with the current sorry state of our economy. I did this because I’m unoriginal and kind of an idiot, but I’m also damned good at convincing other people that I’m neither of those things. I am, however, even shorter on time than I thought, since I also suffer from a debilitating “Christmas Story” addiction during the holiday season. All of that being said, here are some other dishes that approach and even exceed the turducken on the “My Love Handles have Love Handles” scale of corpulence: The Triple Coronary Bypass — The Vortex, Atlanta The Vortex has some of the honestto-god best burgers I’ve ever eaten (seriously, try the Spanish Fly). The

RUFFIN’IT

Henri Lou

I’m not sure how many of you know it, but writing this column every week is not my full-time job. It totally could be, what with my $10,000 per article asking

waitresses also dress like punk rock Valkyrie bikini models, so it’s a good place to take your girlfriend if you want to try and attain level-75 Eye Contact skills. Everything on their “Heart Stopper” menu deserves a place on this list: the original, wimpiest burger in that group features a half-pound patty topped with a fried egg, bacon, American cheese and mayo. The award, however, goes to the Triple Coronary Bypass, and I wish I was making this up: two half-pound sirloin patties stacked inside three grilled cheese sandwiches, topped with two fried eggs, eight slices of American cheese, 10 slices of bacon and plenty of mayo on the side, and a big bowl of fries and tots covered in cheese goo. If you so much as look at this thing, your insurance premium triples. Foie Gras Burger — Dean & DeLuca, Boneyard Bistro, et.al. Here in ‘Merica, we don’t take kindly to folks messin’ around with our gastronomic traditions. That’s why Rush Limbaugh immediately discards the Land O’ Lakes wrapping before he fries his sticks of butter: so he won’t be even more tempted to fondle himself to dairy products. So it’s shocking that the French of all people can come along and show us how to do burgers the right way. The foie gras burger is exactly what it sounds like: a giant, premium sirloin patty encasing the swollen liver of a force-fed goose or duck. On paper, it’s borderline insane, sort of on par with showing a trailer for “Citizen Kane” in front of Butthole Bombadiers 27. In practice, I’ll be damned if I don’t really want one right now.

Roti sans Pareil — 19th-century France The foie gras burger is nothing. Turns out the French were out-crazying us in the cuisine sector long before Ben Franklin first conceived the idea for a gravy catheter. But when you’re bored and rich, you either do insane things like this, or you become a Bond villain. Translating to “roast without equal,” the roti sans pareil was originally noted in Grimod de la Reyniere’s 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, which is a sentence that will render bystanders unable to not punch you. Essentially, it’s the turducken’s lovably racist great-great-grandfather: a ASU and Metro Spirit alum Josh Ruffin is a published journalist and poet, who just received his MFA from Georgia College & State University. He was once the most un-intimidating bouncer at Soul Bar.

V. 22 | NO. 67

GREGBAKER

Take Me to Your Leader

AUGUSTATEK

A potentially major scandal is emerging in the mobile device industry regarding the software manufacturer Carrier IQ. Carrier IQ, a provider of Mobile Service Intelligence Solutions, develops software to give wireless carriers and handset manufacturers insight into their network and device performance. A couple of weeks ago, however, a security researcher published findings that suggest this software does significantly more. A video published on YouTube shows the software logging keystrokes, reading SMS messages and performing other curious actions. Also, it shows that the software is embedded at the system BIOS level (i.e., a “rootkit”), making it very difficult or impossible to remove. Since that time, we’ve learned that this software is widely distributed on AT&T, Sprint, HTC, T-Mobile and Samsung handsets. Verizon, Blackberry, Google, HP, Microsoft and Nokia all deny the use of Carrier IQ software. Apple states that “most” of its products don’t support Carrier IQ as of iOS5, and it will completely remove it in a future update. Sen. Al Franken has requested that the carriers utilizing Carrier IQ appear before the Senate subcommittee on Privacy, Technology and Law, and a former Justice Department prosecutor states that the keystroke recording is very likely a violation of wire-tapping laws. As of last Friday, class action lawsuits were filed against Carrier IQ, HTC, Samsung, AT&T, Sprint, Apple and T-Mobile over the use of the software. There will certainly be more to come on this story. If you are interested, you can find much more information by Googling “Carrier IQ.” Also, Carrier IQ Detector apps are popping-up on the Andriod Market. The VooDoo Carrier IQ Detector is widely published as being effective in the security blogs, although there are some false positives. (The detector app on my Verizon Droid X correctly shows negative.) In other news, we all know that the Apple iPhone is the hottest phone on the market. But last week it was reported that the Apple iPhone 4 is the actual hottest phone. On an Australian Regional Express flight, an iPhone began to glow red and give off a “significant amount of dense smoke.” Apple responded by stating they were looking forward to working with the Australian Transport Safety Bureau as they investigate the incident. Personally, I think a red iPhone would be a good addition to the product line. On the second cyber-week of Christmas, my true geek gave to me… a complete friggin’ robot army? Everybody has at least one — a family member, usually a guy, for whom a Christmas gift is impossible to find. Technology comes to the rescue again. How about a custom-designed robot army? The geeks at myrobotnation.com have made it possible. You can design, and they will build, custom 3D robots for your hard-to-shopfor family members. Prices start under $20. So you don’t feel you have what it takes to design a robot for your loved one? Not a problem. You can “gift” a robot and allow them to design their own creation. One note… you do need a WebGL supported browser (Firefox or Chrome) to work the design tool. Finally, my eight-year-old daughter came to me yesterday and asked, “Daddy, why did Eeyore stick his head in the toilet?” Curious, I responded, “I don’t know, sweetheart. Why did he?” “Why, Daddy, he was looking for Pooh, of course!” My daughter’s first potty joke! I am so proud! Until next time, I’ll see you on the internet. Tweet me @gregory_a_baker. L8R. Gregory A. Baker, Ph.D., is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits. V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 13

What Will Become of the Golf and Gardens?

ROBERTLONG

Deke despairs, and the homeless move in

The Augusta Golf and Gardens is prime riverfront real estate — for the city’s homeless. And it doesn’t look like there’s much of a plan to turn it into anything else. The 17-acre, state-owned property, which was the Georgia Golf Hall of

14 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

Fame until its funding was slashed in 2007, is still beautiful in a postapocalyptic kind of way: overgrown with weeds, brown with winter, (mostly) empty of people. The City of Augusta maintained the grounds about a year after the Hall of

Fame closed, but that, too, fell by the wayside due to budgetary concerns. Now the park has a ruined sort of charm, marred only by cans of beer, cigarettes and razor blade packages strewn about the property — the traces not of teenage delinquents, but of the homeless. “Realistically, if I myself was homeless,” says Augusta Mayor Deke Copenhaver, “and you can get into these places and you have a place like that to go and take shelter — it does not surprise me that the homeless people of the city are using it as a shelter.” By the 13th Street bridge, a sign invites you to jog along the New Bartram Trail, a dirt path between the 13th Street bridge and the paved part of Riverwalk. Turn onto the trail, but don’t run too fast — you’ll spot a spot a gap in the

fence that leads to another path — a wellworn footpath down into the botanical gardens. There, you can enjoy a clean shave and a dry night’s sleep. The bathrooms of the park still have flushing toilets and running sinks. Some enterprising soul has improved on them by taking a mirror off the wall and propping it on top of an outdoor water fountain: the perfect shaving station. The towers by the Hall of Fame’s old entrance, as well as the ticket station for its mini-golf course, are still in good condition, boarded up enough to keep out the elements but not enough to keep out a weary traveler. Dirty blankets, V. 22 | NO. 67

clothes, toothbrushes, razors and (way to defy stereotype, homeless) empty bottles of vodka reveal that at least three people reside permanently or semi-permanently in the park. A sleeping bag dries on top of a bush by the pond. “It’s my experience that when people

developed into a new GreenJackets stadium and condominiums complex by Ripken Baseball and Atlanta developer Jim Jacoby. “To be perfectly honest it has not been my top priority for quite some time now,” he says. “I took plenty of arrows for that for many, many years.”

find a place to be, it’s not where they’re going to run into law enforcement,” says Lynda Suarez, resource development coordinator for the CSRA Economic Opportunity Authority. “It’s hidden away somewhere.” The Golf and Gardens combines ample shelter and cover with accessibility — if you don’t feel like sneaking through the wall by the river, you can always walk in the main gate, which is open. All of which makes the 17-acre park very appealing to the homeless. And it may remain so for the foreseeable future. Copenhaver has taken a lot of heat for championing a plan to have the property

Copenhaver says he still thinks the stadium is a viable option for the property. That said, he fears that any momentum he had with the Georgia State Properties Commission, which is crucial to whatever happens to the land, might have dried up since Governor Perdue left. “So I’m not sure where they stand with regards to that process,” he says of the state government. “Right now, to be perfectly honest, the property is just in limbo.”

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 15

Besides the perennially beleaguered stadium idea, there is no other plan for the park. “To the best of my knowledge there’s not anything in the works,” says Copenhaver. “During the process, I said if anyone’s got a plan B, I’m more than willing

to look at that. But there never was a viable plan B brought forth.” For now, then, the Golf and Gardens makes a halfway decent place to spend the night.

Sacred Heart Cultural Center Presents David Swanagin and Mike C. Berry Art Exhibit &Sale

Show continues through December 30th, 2011 Monday - Friday 9:00AM-5:00PM Weekends Open by Appointment

The Golden Hour - David Swanagin

Sunrise on the Mill - 6" x 6" Pastel, 2011 - Mike C. Berry Studio

1301 Greene Street | Augusta, GA 30901 | 706-826-4700 16 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

ERICJOHNSON

Unhappy Split

Criticized district lines rejected

Augusta commissioners rejected the redistricting plan that was unanimously approved by the 12 member ad hoc committee on November 29, despite the fact that two members of the commission voted in favor of the plan while on the committee. Even before the vote, however, the plan was drawing its share of criticism. Former Historic Preservation Committee Chairman Mark Lorah had sent a letter to the mayor and members of the commission protesting the boundaries of the final map, known as Map 3R, which moves a good chunk of West Augusta, including the Augusta National, to District 1. “Lopping Precinct 702 off District 7 forms an unnatural divide in a currently contiguous and harmonious neighborhood,” he wrote. “I have little confidence that the concerns and issues important to and currently addressed in this neighborhood would be adequately addressed by a commissioner who is understandably and necessarily focused on issues unique to District 1.” Lorah, who lives in District 7 but works and owns rental property in District 1, is quick to point out that his concerns shouldn’t be seen as being V. 22 | NO. 67

critical of District 1 or its commissioner, Matt Aitken, but simply as the desire for his west Augusta neighborhood to be represented by a commissioner tasked with representing other neighborhoods with similar interests and concerns. “I can’t go on enough about all the wonderful things that are happening in District 1,” he says. “District 1 is in my opinion a very good place personally for me to do business — that’s why we’re there — and it’s a very good place to live, but not for me. It’s not a choice that I made.” Once approved by the commission and the school board, which share district lines, the plan will then be sent to the General Assembly. If approved, the map will be reviewed by the Justice Department before making its way back to Augusta to be implemented for the qualifying elections on May 23. Board of Elections Director Lynn Bailey says the plan adopted by the committee was a long way from the initial plan, which changed as little as possible. In that plan, District 7 remained exactly as the boundaries were set 10 years ago. “Then the committee sent the consultant back to the drawing board

requesting that she come up with a different plan that didn’t have any of the commission districts with a total black population that exceeded 70 percent,” she said. “This was Sen. Davis’ suggestion, and he was attempting to, I think his words were ‘build multi-cultural coalitions.’” Only Plan 3 made the significant changes to District 7, she says, and while the final plan they adopted had some differences from Plan 3, there were no changes to District 7. “From my perspective, splitting Precinct 702 away from West Augusta and away from the neighborhoods that it’s almost indistinguishable from in order to put it among neighborhoods that don’t look anything like it just makes no sense to me,” Lorah says. While it’s easy to make the protest appear like a racial issue, Lorah says such a view is simplistic, given the large number of contrasts besides race separating the districts. He says District 1 has a population density not seen in District 7, as well as a different philosophy when it comes to government. Also, District 7 residents, represented by Jerry Brigham, are generally concerned with fiscal

responsibility, while District 1 residents tend to feel government should play a greater part in their daily lives. And though he considers both Brigham and Aitken friends, he says he doesn’t feel Aitken’s political philosophies mesh with his or those of his neighborhood. “I am very much against moving my neighborhood from what you might call the show me district to the give me district,” he says. Despite the significance of the change and the status of the affected neighborhoods around the Augusta National, Lorah says he’s not really surprised that the redraw passed unanimously. “Jerry Brigham has told me in the past that ‘I will fight for you — just give me the ammunition to do it,’” he says. “I suspect nobody gave Jerry any ammunition.” Even without ammunition, Brigham managed to fire off an impressive salvo at the commission meeting, though the commission’s rejection isn’t the final word. It’s the legislative delegation that’s ultimately responsible for drafting the plan and they could still give it a thumbs up.

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 17

Bronzed Ambition

ERICJOHNSON

Dement pounds his way to third in the world Local kickboxer Stevie Dement is the only U.S. kickboxer to win a medal at the World Association of Kickboxing Organization’s World Championships in Dublin, Ireland. And though he says all the right things about being proud to represent his country and being thrilled to bring home a bronze medal, that’s all the stuff you expect him to say, the stuff athletes are supposed to say. Therefore, let’s just cut to the good stuff, like what it’s like to fight a caveman from Kazakhstan. “He was the national champion of Kazakhstan, and that’s badass,” Dement says. “Those people looked like they were right out of the cave — they’re hairy and they’ve got this huge brow.” He cracks a good-natured joke about Geico never needing to worry about actors for their popular caveman commercials, then gets back to the fight. “I would hit him so hard, but I couldn’t tell if he was grimacing or smiling,” he says. “I’m thinking, ‘Am

I hurting him, or is he smiling?’ That’s not such a good feeling.” The only male U.S. fighter to get beyond the first round — the girls, Amika Olchovik and Lisa Van Ahn, each won their firstround fights — Dement beat the national champion of Great Britain, who was 6’4”, and then fought the Irish national champion… in Dublin. “Usually there are five fights going on all the time all day long,” he says. “I drew him and everyone was concentrating on U.S./Puerto Rico fighting Ireland.” Though the hometown crowd was boisterous, not everyone rallied behind the Irish fighter. “Everybody that was Irish was behind him,” Dement says. “But

everybody else was behind me — including Great Britain, and I just beat them.” He figures it was an enemy of my enemy is my friend kind of thing, though he says they continued to follow him the rest of the competion… including his bronze medal fight against Kazakhstan, which the 41-year-old Dement says was one of the hardest fights he’s ever fought. After a brutal first round, coach Mark Greubel asked him how he thought he was doing. Dement said it felt like he was getting killed, but Greubel, who could see the score, which was displayed ringside in real time, informed him he had just won

the round. “I was thinking — Damn, if that’s winning…” he says. The two were dead even after the second round, but in the third and final round, Kazakhstan edged him out to earn the right to fight for the gold medal. He lost the gold medal fight to Russia, fighting less impressively because of the beating he took at the hands and feet of Dement. When he went to the medal ceremony, Dement shook Kazakhstan’s hand on the podium and told him it had been a great fight. “Not so much for me,” the bruised and battered silver medalist said. Now that Dement is ranked third in the world — he’s been ranked as high as fourth before, but this is a pure world championship ranking — he’s planning to slow down a bit. He’s passing up an opportunity to fight in the Pan Am Games for the chance to coach instead. He says he’s ready to live vicariously through other fighters. We’ll see how long that lasts.

New Year’s with us! CELEBRATE

fresh seafood buﬀet and live band

REVIVING 5,000 YEARS OF CIVILIZATION.

JAN 31

BELL AUDITORIUM

Hotline: 888-974-3698 Presented by Falun Dafa Association of Atlanta

18 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

ShenYun2012.com V. 22 | NO. 67

Bronzed Ambition

ROBERTLONG

Dement pounds his way to third in the world On January 1 of this year, a thousand Coptic Christians were concluding a midnight mass in Alexandria, Egypt. A powerful blast at the church’s entrance tore through the crowd. Twenty-three worshippers were killed instantly. Blood and limbs littered the street outside the church. Emad Francis says he froze when he heard the news. “My sister was in that church,” he says. Francis, who moved to Augusta in 2001 and works as an educational consultant, got a phone call from his sister before the bombing was even reported. She had left church just 20 minutes before the attack because her children were acting up. “I consider it a miracle,” he tells me after mass at St. Augustine Coptic Orthodox Church, on Fury’s Ferry Road in Martinez. Stick around for lunch after mass (rice, dolmathakia, chickpeas — no meat or milk during the Nativity Fast) at St. Augustine, and you will hear many stories like Francis’ — of violence and discrimination against Egypt’s long-suffering Coptic Christian minority. Many of St. Augustine’s roughly 40 members were born in Egypt. When I dropped by mass at St. Augustine’s, they were eager to tell me of their trials in the country they left behind. “Verbal abuse is the least thing that you suffer every day,” says Ibrahim Sadek, a medical researcher. “Away from the physical insults or someone attacking you, you have this all the time. At least every day.” The protests in Cairo’s Tahrir Square that forced President Hosni Mubarak from power earlier this year featured stirring shows of solidarity between Christians and Muslims. So many hoped that the end of Mubarak would mean the end of social tensions between Muslims and Copts that had festered in Egypt since the 1970s. Coptic Christians, who make up about 10 percent of Egypt’s 85 million people, have felt increasingly marginalized for several decades. Since Mubarak’s fall, violence against Copts has been on the rise, often blamed on emerging extremist Muslim groups. As the congregants at St. Augustine keep in touch with relatives in Egypt, they only grow more fearful. “Everybody experiences persecution,” says Suheir Rizek, an instructor at Augusta Technical College. “Everywhere you go. It hadn’t V. 22 | NO. 67

been that bad, but now it’s totally...” she trails off. Many of them believe that Egypt’s first post-Mubarak elections herald a more Islamist, and thus more dangerous, Egypt. And indeed, the first round of voting shows gains for the Muslim Brotherhood and Islamic hardliners Salafis. “It means a change of life as we know it in Egypt,” says Rafik Abdelsayed, a professor of dentistry,

of the elections. “It is not going to be favorable to Egyptian society in general.” St. Augustine is a sanctuary for Rafik and his fellow Copts. The church smells of incense and is decorated with gold-tinted iconography. It is not outreach-oriented, but is nonetheless very welcoming to strangers. Though the three-hour long mass with a liturgy containing Coptic, Arabic, and English is difficult for an outsider follow, the

community is inclusive and kind. Men and women sit on opposite sides of their small sanctuary, as I discovered after sitting on the women’s side for half an hour. After the service, members of the church told me of their troubles in Egypt, and their fears for the country they left behind. TALES OF WOE “My persecution started when I was METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 19

literally 3 years old,” says Francis. He has a scar on his chin, the origin of which he eagerly recounts. In 1978 he and his parents were living in a upscale neighborhood overlooking the Mediterranean Sea in Alexandria. “The building was sold and the guy who bought it was a Muslim,” Francis recounts. “The owner told my father plainly and boldly that he has to evict the apartment because he doesn’t want any Christians to be in the building.” One Sunday, as they were meeting a cab in front of their apartment, a group of men in traditional Islamist dress attacked them and broke into their house, Francis says. “During that attack I got hurt in my chin because they hit me with the door of the car.” Only after year of living with a relative and five years of legal wrangling were they able to move back into their own apartment. Francis and his family eventually had to leave for good when he created a scandal by speaking to a colleague at his sister’s college about Christianity, which led to death threats. “I’m not the type of person who can keep his mouth shut,” he says. Violence against Copts has gained more attention this year, but congregants point to stories like this to

argue that widespread discrimination against the Copts has been going on for decades, if not centuries. “It’s old history,” says Kirollos

Maspero incident, the military attacked Copts who were protesting a church burning, running some over with tanks. Twenty-six protestors died and 300

Francis, the church’s webmaster. “The Copts have suffered for generations and generations.” But since the ouster of Mubarak, Egypt has seen an increase in attacks on Copts and their churches. More than 100,000 Copts have already left since January’s uprising, according to Egyptian emigration statistics. In the most violent encounter, known as the

were injured. Not one member I talked to expressed optimism about Egypt’s future. “Egypt is ruined,” says one woman. “They stole our country.” “I know God will take care of his people,” says Emad Francis. “They are in his hand.” But he has little faith in the Egypt’s

political future. HISTORIC PRIDE Members of Augusta’s Coptic community are fiercely proud of their church’s ancient history and its survival in the face of persecution, which they say has been going on (at least) since the Muslim invasion of Egypt in the seventh century. St. Augustine’s members are quick to point out that they are first and foremost a church. “We talk about our relation to God,” says Rizek. “That’s our main object.” Church is not just a chance to talk politics and keep in touch with family back home. They are more eager to tell you about the beauty of their teachings and traditions, unbroken since apostolic times. I’m repeatedly told that the mass I attended would be almost exactly the same anywhere else in the world — or at any time in history. But after church, Egypt necessarily comes up. “It’s just the fears now that they are gaining power more in Egypt. That raises concerns,” says Rizek. “But everybody I know, the Christians there, I’m sure God will protect his people. Wherever they are.” Interviewees would launch into

Inactivity Doesn’t Have to Slow You Down Rehab Plus Wellness Program*

Let our wellness experts help you get back up to speed. • • • • • •

Supportive assistance for people with physical limitations Accessible gym based wellness equiptment Heated pool with lift and wheelchair ramp Functional Electric Stimulation (FES) Cycle for spinal injured** Low monthly fee based on selected activities Curb-side parking!

* Provided by Walton Foundation ** Provided by the Knox Foundation * Available for previous outpatient clients of Walton.

Ability

Independence

Recovery

1355 Independence Drive • Augusta, Georgia 30901 (706) 823-8504 • Toll Free 1-866-4-WALTON • www.wrh.org

20 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

long tales of the deviousness of the Muslim Brotherhood, the brutality of the Salafis, the hypocrisy of Egyptian security forces. Did I see what such-and-such Muslim Brotherhood member said the other day? Had I seen about the massacre at Maspero? Do I realize how much the Egyptian media is covering things up?

HOT AIR

agenda? “I don’t think. I’m very sure,” he says. He says he’s had friends who were perfectly moderate Muslims until they fell under the sway of mosques here in Augusta. He stresses that he is a friend to several Muslims in Augusta, who are peace-loving and moderate and democratic. But he is no friend to

AUSTIN RHODES 3PM - 6PM

– c a r e e r

V. 22 | NO. 67

Islam. Abdelsayed grows tired of getting hung up on Islam. “The point is our relationship with our Muslim brothers,” he says, pointing out that everyone in Egypt stands to suffer in Egypt from growing Islamism, including moderate Muslims. Still, the congregation’s views on Islam can tend towards paranoia because of their collective memory of persecution. Whatever social or political causes you can use to explain violence against Copts in Egypt, this violence is indubitably committed under the banner of Islam. This persecution complex tends them towards suspicion of all Muslim-related activities, even in relatively benign Augusta. “The actual feeling is, we feel that Egypt is for the Christians, and they stole it,” Rizek tells me. “You know what I mean? They were sneaky. They don’t say they will steal. But I will tell you one more: they will steal over the world.” Dr. Hossam Fadel, an Egyptian Muslim who is a member of the Islamic Society of Augusta, vigorously denies many of the fears expressed at St. Augustine’s. Any claims of radicalization in Augusta are “ridiculous,” he says. “There’s no radical elements or extreme elements in the Islamic Society of Augusta that I know of in anybody that comes to the center of Augusta.” He believes that that depictions of Islam as violent arise from taking verses in the Koran, which urged

HELP OTHERS

look & feel THEIR BEST. Change your future and your life with a rewarding career. Miller-Motte offers career training programs in:

Cosmetology or Massage Therapy Classes are forming. Call toll-free today!

(866) 425-0032 www.Miller-Motte.edu

THE CRESCENT AND THE CROSS For many in the congregation, the violence that forced them to leave feels like a double insult, because they consider themselves to be the “true” Egyptians, heirs to a great civilization that was degraded by the Muslim conquest more than a millennium ago. “We are the descendants of the pharaohs,” says Rizek, at which point Francis chimes in. “They took our civilization, they destroyed and degraded it,” he says. “They do not give us rights.” In spite of their willingness to talk, my presence opened something of a rift in the congregation. You can’t talk about the experience of the Copts without talking about Islam, a delicate subject in post-9/11 America. Another woman, who wished to remain anonymous, says, “It’s not anybody’s right to generalize what’s going on in Egypt with regard to Islam. As Christians we do not have any problems with anybody.” But Francis and Sadek reply at the same time: “Yes we do!” Many members have not been introduced to (or had not taken a liking to) America’s language of political correctness. “Jihad is in the heart and in the mind of every single Muslim who is conservative and who reads his Koran, even if he does not understand it very well,” insists Francis. And even here Augusta, he fears a growing Islamification. Does he really think that mosques in Augusta are pushing a radical Islamist

e d u c a t i o n –

Changing Futures. Changing Lives.® For more information about our graduation rates, the median debt of students who completed these programs, and other important information, please visit our website at: disclosure.miller-motte.edu

621 nw frontage road, augusta, ga 30907 FINANCIAL AID AVAILABLE TO THOSE WHO QUALIFY. AUTHORIZED BY THE NONPUBLIC POSTSECONDARY EDUCATIONAL ACT OF 1990.

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 21

Muslims to fight against pagans in the seventh century, out of context. “Whenever you read any verse in the Koran you have to remember where it was revealed and when it was revealed” he says. “Islam, real Islam, has nothing against the Copts. This I know for a fact,” he says. “Pure Islamic principles are tolerance, diversity, democracy and moderation.” He points out Copts and Muslims prayed together during the protests against Mubarak in Tahrir Square. “These were good signs, and I think this is what reps the real Egyptian spirit,” he says. Still, the persecution of Copts lingers with them. It is a persistent theme in their church, at least for now, and they have come to accept it as a fact of life. They cited the verse from the Gospel of John, where Jesus tells his disciples, “A time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service to God.” AUGUSTA’S FREEDOM Though some still worry about Islam, the Copts at St. Augustine’s largely relish America’s religious freedom. Sadia Farag, speaking in Arabic with Emad Francis as translator, said that the United States is very tolerant. In

22 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

the Netherlands, where her daughter lives, she says, Copts catch the full force of anti-immigration sentiments. When asked how the receptive

America had been to her, she forgoes the translator and simply smiles and gives me two thumbs up. That doesn’t mean things are always smooth. After September 11, Kirollos Francis was at the Academy of Richmond County. He had a picture of a former Coptic Pope — bearded and robed as a good religious leader should be — posted in his car. He soon found himself called to the office. An administrator wanted to know why he had a picture of Osama bin Laden in his car. A general ignorance about, or indifference to, Coptic Christians irks

them at times. “I wear a cross all the time so people know,” says Mary Samuel, who says that people were often befuddled

about her religion when she attended Lakeside High School. But she says that more people know about the Copts now that they are in the news. Emad Francis complains that American Protestants sometimes stereotype Copts, like other Orthodox and Catholics, as merely cultural Christians, uninformed and uninterested in the content of their faith behind the ritual. If this is indeed a stereotype, St. Augustine’s defies it vigorously. Over half of the congregation showed up for the Bible study on Friday night. And after the three-hour Saturday mass, as

their kids played around the church, nine of the adults sat around a table reading the Gospel of John and singing hymns in Arabic. “We all have the same faith,” says Abdelsayed, “but maybe we practice it in different ways. The overall faith is the same, which I’m happy for.” LOOKING FORWARD Congregants check Egyptian news sites on their iPhones, a habit that has increased alongside the frequency of violence in Egypt. “Every day when my sister leaves the house, she knows that she may not come back,” says Emad Francis. “Anything could happen.” While they watch Egypt with anxiety, St. Augustine’s continues to keep the faith. The teenagers put on their deacon’s vestments and learn the ceremonies. The Bible study keeps singing hymns in Arabic. They feel like they have found a better life, even though it meant leaving home. “I came here to protect my life,” says Francis. “But I wanted also to protect my dreams.” The worried checking of news on iPhones at St. Augustine’s will continue for the foreseeable future, but so will the worship and the singing.

V. 22 | NO. 67

The

KROC

Center DE I U G RAM

PROG

2 1 0 2 ay |

M y r nua

General Information Hours of Operation: MON.-FRI. ............. 5am-10pm SATURDAY ............. 7am-6pm SUNDAY ............. 1pm-6pm Aquatics Hours: MON.-FRI. ............. 5am-3pm 3:30pm-8pm SATURDAY ............. 7am-5:30pm SUNDAY ............. 1pm-5:30pm

Monthly Membership Specials January - Ready, set, go! Get ready for a year of healthy living! Stop by the Fitness Desk to get a FREE personalized fitness and nutrition plan that will guarantee success in 2012! February - Fall in love with the Kroc Center! Sign up for a 3 Month Membership with a partner and you will each receive a 4th month free! March - March into Healthy Living! In honor of National Nutrition Month, we will have free healthy cooking demonstrations, healthful snacks, and more! April - Spring into the Kroc Center! Every Friday in April, members can bring 1 guest free of charge. May - May is for Mother Members! Free 10 minute massages for all members who are moms. Sign up at the Welcome Desk. Contact Information: 706.364.KROC (5762) | 1833 Broad Street | Augusta, Ga 30904 | KrocAugusta.org

General Information Member Referral Program: Someone wants to see YOU at the Kroc Center! Our NEW member referral program is designed to reward our members when you recommend a friend for membership! Every successful referral gets you one month of FREE membership. Terms apply. Inquire at the Welcome Desk.

Membership Rates Type

Group Tours: Have a group you want to share the Kroc Center with? Ask the Welcome Desk for a Group Tour Form or call the Sales Department at 706.364.KROC. Your personal tour guide will show you around and answer any questions. Don’t forget to stay for lunch after your tour! Events: We would love to host your next conference, play, wedding or any type of special event! Call our events department at 706.922.1527 to set up an appointment. Rental rates and menus are available at the Welcome Desk and online. Birthday Parties: Party like a Kroc Star! Plan your child’s next birthday party at the Kroc Center! Splash around in our indoor water park, play and tumble in our gym, try out your culinary skills with a cooking class, or create your own art project. We have something for everyone. Visit the Welcome Desk or online for a Birthday Party Application with pricing and further details. Gold Member Perks: | 10% off most Classes, Programs, Merchandise & Food! | 10% off all Kroc Birthday Packages! | FREE Child Watch & Jr. Kroc Stars- up to 2hrs! | FREE Towel Service! | FREE Member Appreciation Events! | GOLD Kroc Center Card & Key Fobs! | Discounted Tickets to Global Spectrum Performances at James Brown Arena and the Bell Auditorium!

$60 Registration Fee Waived Standard

Gold

Youth Individual Monthly (3-17) Youth Individual 3 Month (3-17) Youth Annually (3-17) Youth Registration Fee

$15.00 $42.00 $162.00 $ --

$20.00 $57.00 $216.00 $ --

Single Adult Monthly (18-61) Single Adult 3 Month (18-61) Single Adult Annually (18-61) Single Adult Registration Fee

$30.00 $85.00 $324.00 $60.00

$45.00 $128.00 $486.00 $60.00

Family Monthly (Up to 6 People) Family 3 Month (Up to 6 People) Family Annually (Up to 6 People) Family Registration Fee

$50.00 $142.00 $540.00 $60.00

$65.00 $185.00 $702.00 $60.00

Senior Individual Monthly (62+) Senior Individual 3 Month (62+) Senior Individual Annually (62+) Senior Individual Registration Fee

$25.00 $71.00 $270.00 $60.00

$31.00 $88.00 $334.00 $60.00

Senior Family Monthly (62+) Senior Family Monthly (62+) Senior Family Annually (62+) Senior Family Registration Fee

$35.00 $99.00 $378.00 $60.00

$48.00 $136.00 $518.00 $60.00

* Student & Military Discounts available as low as $25.50 per month! For more information regarding financial aid or social services please visit www.Krocaugusta.org or visit the Welcome Desk for a brochure. * The schedule & prices are subject to change without notice. For more information, stop by the Welcome Desk or visit www.KrocAugusta.org Crash Course Swim Lessons

Kroc Swimming Lessons Member Nonmember Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Monday Friday Saturday Sunday Class Session 1: January 2nd January 25th or March 5th March 29th (4 Weeks, 8 Lessons) 9am 9am 9am Kroclets 1&2 (Age 3-6)

9-9:45am

$48

$88

5:30-6:15pm

$48

$88

Kroclets 3 (Age 3-6)

6:15-7pm

$48

$88

Kroclets 1&2 (Age 6-15)

5:30-6:15pm

$48

$88

Kroclets 3&4 (Age 6-15) Senior Learn To Swim Class

6:15-7pm 6:15-7pm 11-11:45am Tuesday Wednesday 11-11:45am Thursday

Kroc Swimming Lessons

$48 $40

$88

Monday Friday Saturday Session 2: January 30th February 22nd or April 9th May 5th (4 Weeks, 8 Lessons) 9am 9am 9am Hydrofit & Treck

Kroclets 1&2 (Age 3-6)

9-9:45am

$68 Nonmember

$48

$88

May 7th - 10th

M/W or T/TH 5:30-6:15 & 6:15-7:30

May 14th - 17th

M/W or T/TH 5:30-6:15 & 6:15-7:30

Members - $20

Nonmembers - $35

Free Water Safety Class Date

Times 10:30am-12:30pm

$88

February 18

10:30am-12:30pm

$48

$88

$48 $40

$88 $68 Nonmember

March 17

10:30am-12:30pm

April 21

10:30am-12:30pm

May 19

10:30am-12:30pm

5:30-6:15pm

$48

$88

Kroclets 3 (Age 3-6)

6:15-7pm

$48

Kroclets 1&2 (Age 6-15)

5:30-6:15pm

Kroclets 3&4 (Age 6-15) Senior Learn To Swim Class

6:15-7pm 6:15-7pm 11-11:45am 11-11:45am Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

Monday Friday Saturday Session January 25th or March 10th 9am 7th - February9am 9am- May 5th (4 Weeks, 8 Lessons) Hydrofit & 3: Treck

Parent/Child Hatchlings

9-9:30am

$44

$84

Kroclets 1&2 (Age 3-6)

9:30-10:15am

$48

$88

Kroclets 3 (Age 3-6)

10:15-11am

$48

$88

Kroclets 1&2 (Age 6-15)

9:30-10:15am

$48

$88

10:15-11am

$48

$88

$48

$88

6:45-7:30pm

Day & Time

January 21

5:30-6:15pm

Kroclets 3&4 (Age 6-15) Still Krocin’ It (Age 16+)

Session

Private (30 Minute) & Semi-Private (45 Minute) Lessons are Available at $15/half hour for Private and $10 per person, per lesson for Semi-Private. For more information please stop by the Lifeguard Station.

CPR for the Professional Rescuer & Oxygen Admin. Date

January 14 February 11 March 10 April 4 April 25 May 12

Members - $45

Times 9am-12pm & 1-4pm 9am-12pm & 1-4pm 9am-12pm & 1-4pm 9am-12pm & 1-4pm 4pm-8pm 9am-12pm & 1-4pm Nonmembers - $50

Children & Youth Weekly Events Tuesday

Monday

Class Craft Corner (Age 3-10)

Wednesday Thursday

Saturday

Friday

Children & Youth Camps

Sunday

Member Nonmember

9-10am 9-10am

Story Hour 5:306:30pm

Junior Fitness (Age 7-12)

9-10am

FREE

$10 Day Pass

Family Nights Dates January 27th February 24th March 30th April 27th May 25th

Time & Pricing Theme Focus on Fitness | Group & water fitness will be offered so bring a bathing suit and towel! 6:30-9:30pm Flick n’ Float | Grab your floats, bathing suits and bring your family to enjoy a movie IN the pool! $10 per family of 4 and $2 per Family Scavenger Hunt | Bring a digital camera and hunt the Kroc Center with your family. Movie Night | Enjoy eating popcorn and watching a family friendly movie in our state-of-the-art theater. additional family member. Camp Kroc | Enjoy the great outdoors while playing games, eating s’mores and having a great time!

Special Events Dates January 13th March 10th April 1st May 11th May 12th

Theme Time Teen Night | Basketball Tournament 6-10 pm Cowboy and Princess Party | Dress up and join us for Saturday brunch! Cost: $5-Child $10-Adult 9-11 am 10am- 1pm Easter Eggstravaganza | Bring your family and celebrate Easter with games, crafts and easter egg hunt. Teen Night |Everything 80s-Bring your friends and flash back to the 80’s with dancing, games and lots of fun. 6-10 pm Mothers’ Day Brunch | Bring mom to a delicious brunch! Cost: $7.50 per person, Mothers-FREE 9-11 am

Aiken Ages 5-12 January 2 January 13 January 16 February 20 March 2 March 23 April 2-6 May 28 Pre-K Ages 4-5 January 2 January 3 January 16 February 20 February 21 March 16 April 2-6

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Open Gym

5am-5pm

Youth Leagues - Upward Sports

Thursday

9-11am

5-6pm

9-11am

Sunday

Saturday

5am-5pm 5am-5pm

5-6pm

Home School

Friday

9-11am 9-11am

6-10pm

$10 Day Pass

Member Price

$30.00

$70

Nonmember Price

$40.00

FREE

$10 Day Pass

Meals

Lunch & Snack

Early Drop Off

$40

$50

7am Nonmember Cost: $5 5:30pm Nonmember Cost: $5

$50

$60

$50

$60

Nonmember

9am

FREE

$10 Day Pass

10am

FREE

$10 Day Pass

FREE

$10 Day Pass

FREE

$10 Day Pass

9am

FREE

$10 Day Pass

Kids Night Out

5:30pm

FREE

$10 Day Pass

Aquatics Group Fitness Schedule Tuesday

Hydrofit & Treck

9am

Deep Water X

10am

Aqua Senior

Wednesday

Thursday

10am 10:30am

10:30am

Aqua Zumba

5:30pm

Sunday

10:30am

9am & 5:30pm

River Trek

Saturday

Friday

10am

Yoga Afloat

Lifeguarding Course Date

Monday

Tuesday

April 2nd-6th

9am-4pm

11am-4pm

Wednesday Thursday

L.G. Revision Class April 23rd-27th May 7th-17th

Class GED Class What Women Want: 1st Wed.

Monday

Friday

Saturday

9am-4pm

11am-4pm

9am-4pm

4-8pm

4:30-8:30pm 4:30-8:30pm

4:30-8:30pm

Tuesday

Education

Wednesday

Thursday

9:30-1:30pm 9:30-1:30pm 9:30-1:30pm 9:30-1:30pm

Sunday

Member

Nonmember

4-8pm

$150

$175

4-8pm

$85

$95

9am-12pm & 1-4pm

$150

$175

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Pricing FREE

Crafters Night: 2nd Wed.

6:30-8pm 6:30-8pm

FREE FREE

Philosophy Club: 3rd Wed.

7-8pm

FREE

Kroc Book Club: 4th Wed.

6:30-8pm

FREE

Business By The Book: 1st Thurs.

Arts Sessions Session I Session II Session III

Dates Jan. 9 - Feb. 13 Feb. 20 - March 26 April 9 - May 14

Sessions will break for Masters week.

Babysitting Courses

Member

6-10pm

Monday

Late Pick Up

Description Time & Dates 9am-4pm A Red Cross course designed to provide youth with the knowledge and skills to January 28th safely and responsibly care March 24th for children and infants. May 26th For ages 11-15. Cost is $50 for members and $65 for nonmembers. Bring a sack lunch or bring $5 for lunch. Registration ends the Wednesday before each class.

Futsal League

Class

When school is out your child will be able to enjoy a day off at the Kroc Center. Students will have the opportunity to play games, swim, do arts and crafts and make wonderful memories while giving parents the chance to go to work without having a break in their schedule. Make sure to register early as spots are filled on a first-come first-served basis!

9am-3pm

7am-6pm 1pm-6pm FREE

6-10pm

Basketball League

Description

Time

Member Nonmember

Champions Made From Adversity 6-10pm Volleyball League

Richmond Ages 5-12 January 2 January 3 January 16 February 20 February 21 March 16 April 2-6

Camp Details

Sports & Recreation Schedule Class

Columbia Ages 5-12 January 2 January 16 February 20 April 2-6

11:30am Enopion Theatre Company’s “The Prince is Giving a Ball” open auditions coming in February!

Special Thanks to Our Partners: The Art Factory, Area Agency on Aging & Enopion Theatre Company

Dates

Description

January 6th Parents enjoy a night out February 3rd by bringing your kids, ages March 2nd 2-12, to the Kroc Center the first Friday of each April 6th month! Kid’s Night Out May 4th will last from 6:00-10:00 Member pm and dinner is included. $15 Activities may include Nonmember swimming, gym play, $20 inflatables, and crafts.

bers Gold Mem FF O % 0 5 e k Ta Class

Arts Schedule

Standard e Tak e M mbers Monday 25% OFF

*Kindermusik 5:30-6:30pm

Exploring Visual Art: Ages 5-8

Tuesday Wednesday Thursday 5:45-6:45pm 11am-12pm Ages 5-8 Ages 2-4

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

10-11am Tuesday

Monday

Wednesday

Friday

Thursday

2:30-3:30pm Saturday

Sunday

5:30-6:30pm

Pottery Kids I: Ages 7-12

5:15-6pm

Drawing & Painting: Ages 7-12

Tuesday

Monday

Wednesday

Thursday

Tuesday

Pricing

Beginner Guitar II Beginner Piano II

5-5:50pm

$60

$60 $60

$60

Beginner Drums II

5-5:50pm 5-5:50pm

Vocal Techniques II

5-5:50pm

$60

$40

Beginner Brass II Intermediate Electric Brass

$60 $60

$60

Intermediate Piano

6-6:50pm 6-6:50pm 6-6:50pm 6-6:50pm

$60 $60 $60 $60

$75

$60

5:15-6pm

Pottery Kids II: Ages 7-12

Class

$80

Intro to Ballroom: Ages 6-8 West African Music & Dance: Ages 6-12 Little Davincis: Ages 7-12

Pricing

Friday

Ballet for Kids: Ages 7-12 Hip Hop: Ages 9-13 (Sesson II & III)

West African Dance: Ages 13+

11am-12pm Saturday

Sunday

$60

11am-12pm

$50

12-1pm

$50

1:30-2:30pm

$75

Saturday

$60

Intro to Drawing & Painting: Ages 14+ Drama & Improv: Ages 14+

6:30-7:30pm

$60

Pottery Adults I: Ages 14+

6:30-8:30pm

$60

Tuesday

Monday

Wednesday

Pottery Adults II: Ages 14+

Line Dance: Ages 16+ Fundamental Digital Photography: Ages 16+ (Sesson III)

Tuesday

Monday 6:307:30pm

Wednesday

Thursday

Class

Monday 9am- Noon

Friday

11am-12pm Saturday

Sunday

Seniors

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

All Day

2-4pm

Friday

12:304:30pm

Saturday

Sunday

Pricing FREE FREE FREE

All Day

FREE

2-4pm

FREE

1-2pm

11am-12pm Thursday Wednesday

Tuesday

Medicare & You

1-3pm 2-5pm Tuesday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Thursday

FREE

10-11:30am

FREE FREE

12:301:30pm

FREE

9am-12pm

Sit to be Fit Monday

$60

Game Time

Powerful Tools for Caregivers

Our Partners:

$60

Computers for Seniors

Monday

7-7:50pm 7-7:50pm 7-7:50pm

$60

5:306:30pm

6:30-7:30pm

Social Hour Computer Lab

Sunday

Intermediate Guitar Intermediate Study Piano Advanced Trumpet

$60

$50

Intro to Drumming: Ages 16+

Computers For Seniors: Learning the Internet

Friday

6:30-8pm

Intro to Ballroom: Ages 16+

Golden Agers Open Computer Time

6-7:30pm Thursday

Singing Seniors

$60

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

FREE

Seniors Special Events Date

Living Well

9am- Noon 9am- Noon

Living Well

9am- Noon

FREE-Registration Requred

Class Alzheimer Support Group Living Well

Saturday Jan. 14th - Feb. 18th Mondays Feb. 13th & 27th March 14th

Mental Health Resources for Seniors

The Salvation Army Corps

Class Prayer Meeting Sunday School Worship Service Celebrate Recovery Devotions Golden Agers Men’s Ministries Women’s Ministries Women’s Coffee Club Songsters Band Practice Youth Programs Club 316 Youth Praise Band Music Makers Junior Band Teen Youth Group Community Care Ministries

Time 10-11:30am

Pricing FREE FREE-Registration Requred FREE-Registration Requred

1st Thursday of the Month Mondays Jan. 9th & 30th

Monday

8am 9am - Noon

Tuesday 5:30pm

FREE

Wednesday

Friday

10am

8am

6pm 6pm 6pm 7pm 8pm

Sunday 9am 9:45am 11am 6pm

The Salvation Army Corps - Special Events

5:30pm 6pm 6pm 7pm 7pm 7pm 10am

Date January 28th January 28th February 12th March 31st April 6th April 8th

Event Crop-A-Latta Scrapbooking Event Gospel Extravaganza Valentines Spaghetti Dinner: $5-Adult $3-Children Hip Hop Bunny Drop Good Friday Service Easter Sunrise Service & Worship Service

Time 9am-3pm 1-8pm 12:30pm 11am-1pm 6pm 8am & 10:30am

R.U.N.E ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED

If you’ve never been to a Jucifer show, there are a few things you should know. First off, don’t expect them to take the stage on schedule. It’ll probably be around midnight when Athens natives Edgar Livengood and Amber Valentine amble onto the stage from the tour vehicle that doubles as their home. Not their home away from home; their literal home. Second, they won’t play that long — usually an hour, tops. And while that may not sound like much, once you see their “wall of sound,” the collection of amps and speaker cabinets that frame them on stage, you may have a hint as to why this is. While the married duo’s recorded work has been described as “subtle,” their live show is anything but. What their live show is has been described as everything from floor-shaking to ear-splitting, but in a very good way. Those who have seen Jucifer, keep coming back for more… although they bring earplugs with them upon return visits. Jucifer w/ Nuklear Blast Suntan Sky City | Thursday, December 8 | Door, 8 p.m.; music, 10:30 p.m. | $5

SKYCITYAUGUSTA.COM

Jucifer w/ Nuklear Blast Suntan V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 27

ENTERTAINMENT Arts

Art at Lunch is Friday, December 9, at noon, at the Morris Museum of Art, and features a discussion with James Farmer, contributing editor for Southern Living magazine, lifestyle expert and author of “A Time to Plant: Southern-Style Garden Living.” Lunch by A Catered Affair. $10 for members; $14 for nonmembers. Call 706724-7501 or visit themorris.org. $100 Art Show continues through December 23 at Gaartdensity, 1155 Broad Street, and features original artwork by Jason Craig, Jay Jacobs, Leonard Zimmerman, Rich Menger, Staci Swider and more. Artwork is $100 or less and available on a cash and carry basis. Call 706-466-5166.

Exhibitions

Eclectic Visions: Art by Educators in the Savannah River Area opens Tuesday, December 13, at the Morris Museum of Art’s Education Gallery, and features work by art educators at public and private schools in Richmond, Columbia, Wilkes, Aiken and Edgefield counties. The show continues through December 31. Call 706724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Rochelle “Cissie” Levy’s show of mixed media work is on display through December 31 at the Aiken Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame and Museum. Free and open to the public. Call 803-6427758 or visit aikenracinghalloffame.com.

Pops! at the Bell: Home for the Holidays is Friday, December 9, at 7:30 p.m., at Bell Auditorium, and features the Augusta Children’s Chorale and Augusta Symphony. $13-$37. Call 706-826-4705 or visit soaugusta.org. A Service of Lessons and Carols, presented by the Columbia County Choral Society, is Friday, December 9, at 7:30 p.m., at First Baptist Church of Augusta. $10-$15. Call 762-233-7793 or visit ccchoralsociety.org. Amy Grant and Vince Gill’s Twelve Days of Christmas Tour is Saturday, December 10, at 7:30 p.m., at Bell Auditorium. $38-$58. Call 1-877-4AUGTIX or visit georgialinatix.com. Holiday Pops at the Etherredge Center is Saturday, December 10, at 8 p.m., and features the Augusta Symphony with James Torme. Call 803-641-3305 or visit soaugusta.org. Antonio Vivaldi’s “Gloria,” presented by The Augusta Chorale, is Sunday, December 11, at 4 p.m., at GilbertLambuth Memorial Chapel at Paine College, and features Glenn Hills, Cross Creek and Butler High School Choirs, and The Suzuki Strings of Augusta. $15 for adults; $5 for students. Call 706-8300991 or visit augustachorale.org.

Fall Visit to the Georgia War Veterans Home, presented by The Augusta Chorale, is Monday, December 12, David Swanagin and Mike C. Berry Exhibit at 5:30 p.m., and features patriotic, shows through December 31 at Sacred popular, classical, and Christmas songs Heart Cultural Center. Call 706-826and hymns. Free. Call 706-830-0991 or 4700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org. visit augustachorale.org.

Music

Vino e Voce: an Evening of Wine and Song is Thursday, December 8, from 7-9 p.m. at the home of Al Cheatham, 808 Milledge Road. $50 per person. Black tie optional. RSVP by December 1. Call 706364-9114 or visit theaugustaopera.com. The Singing Christmas Tree is Friday, December 9-Saturday, December 10, at 7 p.m., and Sunday, December 11, at 3 p.m., at Abilene Baptist Church. Free. Tickets available from the church office. Call 706869-1774 or visit abilene1774.org. Aiken Choral Society’s Winter Concert is Friday, December 9, at 7:30 p.m. and Sunday, December 11, at 4 p.m., at Cornerstone Baptist Church, in Aiken, and features Brahms’ Love Songs and Waltzes, folks songs and Christmas carols. $15. Call 803-642-2015 or visit aikenchoralsociety.org. 28 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

The Richmond County String Orchestra, presented by the Richmond County Board of Education, performs Monday, December 12, and Tuesday, December 13, at 6 p.m. and 7 p.m., at Maxwell Performing Arts Theatre at Augusta State University. Sponsored by the ASU Department of Music. Free and open to the public. Call 706-667-4100 or visit aug.edu. Meet and Greet the Chorale Reception is Monday, December 12, at 7-9 p.m., at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum. Prospective members, supporters, friends and fans of The Augusta Chorale are invited. Free. Call 706-830-0991 or visit augustachorale.org. An Evening in December, presented by the United States Army Signal Corps Band, is Thursday, December 15, at 7 p.m., at First Baptist Church of Augusta. Free. Tickets are recommended, but not

required, and are available at Georgia Band and Trust, Fort Gordon Federal Credit Union, Navy Federal Credit Union, Augusta Metro Chamber of Commerce and the Columbia County Chamber of Commerce. Call 706-791-4856 or visit fortgordon.com.

“A Christmas Carol,” presented by Evans High School’s Sixth Period Drama Class, is Friday, December 9, at 7 p.m., and will be directed by student Christopher Neil Davenport as part of his senior project. $3. Call 706-863-1198 or visit evansknights.net.

Literary

“Fruitcakes” shows Friday, December 9-Saturday, December 10, at 8 p.m., at William Miller Bouknight Theatre, in Edgefield. $15. Call 803-637-3833 or visit edgefieldcountytheatrecompany.com.

Creative Writing Workshop is Saturday, December 10, from 1-2:30 p.m., at Headquarters Branch Library, and is led by author Cheryl Corbin. Call 706-8212600 or visit ecgrl.org. CSRA Writers meet Monday, December 12, at 6:30 p.m., at Georgia Military College, 115 Davis Rd. Writers should bring eight copies of a manuscript for critique. Call Steve Fox at 706-836-7315. Nonfiction Book Discussion is Monday, December 12, at 6:30 p.m., at the Columbia County Library, and features discussion of “You Better Not Cry,” by Augusten Burroughs. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. Book Club meets Thursday, December 15, at 10 a.m., at Friedman Branch Library, and features discussion of “Isaac Newton, the Last Sorcerer.” Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org. Brown Bag Book is Thursday, December 15, at 11:30 a.m., at the Columbia County Library, and features discussion and planning of 2012 reading selections. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. Book Club meets Thursday, December 15, at 4 p.m., at Harlem Branch Library, and features discussion and planning of 2012 reading selections. Call 706-5569795 or visit ecgrl.org. Scholastic Book Fair continues at the Headquarters Branch Library until December 11. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org

Theater

“Twas the Night” Christmas Play is Thursday, December 8, at 10 a.m., at the Headquarters Branch Library. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-8212600 or visit ecgrl.org. “The Schneider Variety Hour(ish)” is Thursday, December 8, from 7:308:30 p.m., at Maxwell Performing Arts Theatre at Augusta State University, and features original works written by Communications senior Marian Schneider. Free and open to the public. Call 706-667-4100 or visit aug.edu.

“The Misconception of Minstrel Krampus,” is Friday, December 9-Saturday, December 10, and Thursday, December 15-Saturday, December 17, at 8 p.m., at Le Chat Noir, and features short plays by David Sedaris, Jeff Goode and more. $15-$30. Call 706-722-3322 or visit lcnaugusta.com. “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” shows Friday, December 9-Saturday, December 10, at 8 p.m., and Sunday, December 11, at 3 p.m., at the Aiken Community Playhouse. $20. Call 803648-1438 or visit acp1011.com. “A Christmas Carol,” presented by the Augusta Players, is Saturday, December 10, at 8 p.m., and Sunday, December 11, at 3 p.m., at the Imperial Theatre. $15-$41. Call 706-826-4707 or visit augustaplayers.org. “A Dicken’s Tale,” presented by Bright Star Children’s Theatre, shows at 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, at the Jabez S. Hardin Performing Arts Theater, 7022 Evans Town Center Blvd. $5 in advance; $7 at the door. Tickets are available at the Community & Leisure Services Office, 630 Ronald Reagan Dr., Bldg C., first floor. Call 706-312-7192 or visit columbiacountyga.gov.

Flix

“Vincent and Theo,” rated PG-13, shows Tuesday, December 13, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Free. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Special Events

Night of 1,000 Lights is Thursday, December 8, all day, in downtown Aiken, and features luminaries, food, festivities and Santa. Businesses will stay open late. Free. Call 803-649-2221 or visit downtownaiken.com. Ultimate Christmas Recipe Swap is Tuesday, December 8, at 10:30 a.m., at Euchee Creek Branch Library. Bring samples and copies of your best recipes V. 22 | NO. 67

Trivia with Natalie is Thursday, December 8, at 6:30 p.m., at the Columbia County Library, in the downstairs meeting room. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. Hayride through the Life of Christ begins Thursday, December 8, at 7 p.m., at the Columbia County Fairgrounds, and includes hot chocolate. Free. Sponsored by Sharon Baptist Church. 706-541-0667. A Harrisburg Mill Village Christmas Open House is Thursday, December 8, from 7-9 p.m., at Salon 606 on Crawford Avenue, and features Christmas jazz. Reservations requested. $5. Visit facebook.com/ events/177569065671512.

December 10, from noon-9 p.m., at Kackleberry Farms, and features a Christmas tree farm, Santa, s’mores and hot chocolate. This event continues each weekend through December 18, open noon-9 p.m. on Saturdays, and 2-8 p.m. on Sundays. $7; an additional $10 for Snow Days. Call 487-625-8668 or visit kackleberryfarm.com. Crochet a scarf with Vivian on Saturday, December 10, at 2 p.m., at the Columbia County Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-447-7660 or visit ecgrl.org. Vegetarians and Vegans Thriving in CSRA meet Saturday, December 10, at 6:30 p.m., at a private home in North Augusta, and features a year-end holiday dinner party. For information and to RSVP, call 803-6417448 or visit meetup.com/csravs.

Aiken Christmas Parade, presented by Aiken Jaycees, is Sunday, December 11, at Guaranteed Lowest Price & Best Selection DAY! 2 p.m., inEVERY downtown Aiken. Call 803-6443008 or email 1aikenjc@bellsouth.net. Instrument & Sound System Sales, Lessons, Rentals, Repairs, Gifts & Concert Promotions since 1998. North Augusta Lions Club Christmas

INJURED? 1-855-91-INJURED AugustaAutoAccidents.com

Guaranteed Lowest Price & Best Selection

EVERY DAY! Augusta & Aiken’s ONLY Authorized Fender Dealer! Instrument & Sound System Sales ● Lessons ● Rentals ● Repairs ● Gifts ● Concert Promotions

SINCE 1998

We are Collecting Canned Food Donations for

Parade is Sunday, December 11, at 2

Augusta & Aiken’s ONLY Authorizedp.m., Fender Dealer! in downtown North Augusta. Visit Rock Smith Compatible Guitars!

northaugusta.net.

Christmas Open House is Sunday,

Guitars, Mandolins, Banjos, Ukuleles & Violins December 11,On fromSALE 3-5 p.m., at Lucy Craft Laney Museum, and features a Christmas Drum Sets from $299.99 tree and wreath auction, music, door Great Gifts under $9.99

prizes and refreshments. Free and open

to the public. Call 706-724-3576 or visit NEW LARGER Down Town Aiken Location! lucycraftlaneymuseum.com.

Voted Metro’s Best since 2006

work off some of those holiday pounds at phinizy swamp’s december dash saturday, december 10

Irish Ceili, hosted by Augusta State University’s 2012 Ireland Study Abroad program, is Friday, December 9, at 6:30 p.m., in the Jaguar Student Activities Ballroom, and will feature dancing, music, storytelling, dinner and a silent auction. $25 in advance; $30 the day of. Tickets are available at the Maxwell Theatre Box Office or online at tickets.aug.edu. Proceeds benefit the scholarship fund for students in the program. Call Debbie Van Tuyll at 706-729-2183. Reindog Romp and Pet Fair, presented by Aiken SPCA, is Saturday, December 10, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m., at the Odell Weeks Recreation Center. $10, including a bandana for pets. Fee is waived for participants who collect more than $100 in donations. Call 803-648-6863 or visit aikenspca.org. Christmas in the Country is Saturday, V. 22 | NO. 67

West Augusta Alliance Meeting is Monday, December 12, at 7 p.m., at the Warren Road Gym, and features speakers George Patty of Augusta-Richmond County Planning and Zoning, as well as a representative from Hilton Extended Stay Hotel on Walton Way Extension. Free and open to the public. Contact Kenneth Echols at 706-868-8680. Couponing Class is Thursday, December 15, at 10:30 a.m., at Euchee Creek Branch Library. Come learn about couponing and bring coupons to swap. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org. In-Shop Tasting is Thursday, December 15, from 5-8 p.m., at Wine World in North Augusta, and features six special wines. $5, with $3 rebate on one bottle of featured wine. Call 803-279-9522 or visit wineworldsc.com.

Guitars, Mandolins, Banjos, Ukuleles & Violins On SALE P.A. Sound Systems & Microphones on SALE! Drum Sets from $299.99 Great Gifts under $9.99

N EW L

Dow

Downtown Aiken after Six is Thursday, December 15, and features late shopping hours. Call 803-649-2221 or visit downtownaiken.com. Aiken County Historic Gingerbread Contest continues through Sunday, December 11,

758 Broad Street | Augusta, GA 30901 | 706.724.1172 • 202 Richland Ave W. (HWY-1 Down Town) | Aiken, SC 29801 | 803.649.1919

to share and swap. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org.

ARG

nTow

(acro

ss fr

Metro’s Best since 2006

n Aik

om t

en L

he A

ocat

iken

Hote

ion!

ROCKBOTTOMMUSIC.COM METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 29

at the Aiken County Historical Museum. Free. Call 803-642-2015 or visit aikencountyhistoricalmuseum.org.

Tuesday, at 2 p.m. Free, but preregistration required. Call 706-7745548 or visit universityhealth.org.

Crochet Class meets every first and second Thursday of the month, at 1 p.m., at Harlem Branch Library. Call 706-5569795 or visit ecgrl.org.

Introduction to Infant CPR is Thursday, December 15, from 7-8:30 p.m., and meets in the University Hospital lobby. Pre-registration required. Call 706-7742825 or visit universityhealth.org.

Lights of the South continues daily through December 30 from 6-10 p.m. at 633 Louisville Road, and features light displays, hay rides, Santa and holiday treats. $7.50, adults; $4, children ages 4-17. Call 706-825-6441 or visit lightsofthesouth.com.

Health

New Year’s Eve package

· 4 course Dinner for 2 · Music from “A Step Above” · Champagne Toast and Party favors · Complimentary Breakfast Buffet · Deluxe Guest Rooms Accommodations

$$199

plus tax

Washington Road at I-20 | 1069 Stevens Creek Road | Augusta | 706-396-1000 Call us today at 706.667.9009

THINK.

Women’s Center Tour is Thursday, December 8, from 7-9:30 p.m., beginning in the University Hospital lobby. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-774-2825 or visit universityhealth.org. Weekend Childbirth Education is Friday, December 9-Saturday, December 10, 6:30-9:30 p.m. (Friday) and 9 a.m.-5:30 p.m. (Saturday), at University Hospital Education Center (third floor). Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-7742825 or visit universityhealth.org. Breast Self-Exam Class is Monday, December 12, at 4 p.m., at the University Hospital Breast Health Center. Free. Call 706-774-4141 or visit universityhealth.org.

NOT A BIG BOX... NOT EVEN CLOSE

Are you so frustrated with your computer you’ve considered tossing it out the window? Is it so slow you can barely use it? Are you having trouble getting to your favorite web page... or facebood? Are you even tempted to teake it to one of those Big Box Stores for service? Think again!

Surgical Weight Loss Seminar is Thursday, December 8, at 6 p.m., at Aiken Regional Medical Center, and features speakers Dr. Edward Rapp, II and Dr. Luciano Fiszer, as well as a light complimentary dinner. Pre-registration required. Call 803-641-5751 or visit aikenregional.com.

NOTABIGBOX.COM

Heart Attack and Stroke Prevention Center Orientation is Monday, December 12, at 6 p.m., at the University Hospital Heart and Vascular Institute (Classroom 3). Sessions are also offered every

Support

Living Well with Diabetes meets Thursday, December 8, at 5 p.m., and features information on how to eat well with diabetes. Location varies. For information, call 706-868-3241. Look Good… Feel Better program is Thursday, December 8, from 5-7 p.m., at the American Cancer Society Office, 2607 Commons Blvd., and features beauty techniques to help female cancer patients restore their appearance and self-image during chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Free. Call 706-731-9900. La Leche League meets Friday, December 9, at 10 a.m., at Trinity Hospital of Augusta, and provides support for pregnant women, and nursing mothers and their babies. Call Julie Menger at 706-737-2405 or Stephanie Bussey at 706-855-1630 or visit trinityofaugusta.com. Mended Hearts meets Friday, December 9, from 10:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m., at USC-Aiken’s Business Conference Center, and features support for people with heart disease and their family members. Pre-registration required. Call 803-642-6897. Pink Magnolias Breast Cancer Support Group meets Monday, December 12, at 6:30 p.m., at the University Hospital Breast Health Center. Open to all women who have undergone breast cancer surgery or are currently receiving treatment. Free. Call 706-774-4141 or visit universityhealth.org. Men’s Breast Cancer Support Group

Do you really want the place that sells you envelopes or flat screen TVs working on your computer? Bring it to ComputerOne today... and our real computer guys will make it all better at a price you can afford. We’re the opposite of a Big Box Store. We’re the little store in Fairway Square and although we have our own of computer experts, we dont really call them geeks (at least to their faces). They’re just competent, skilled computer technicians with the know-how to clean up your computer at a reasonable price and get you back on the internet fast. And although we’re not keeping score, given the fact we’re celebrating our 25th anniversary this year, it is very likely we’ve sold and repaired more computers than any other company in Augusta... and we have thousands of satisfied customers to prove it.

Professional Virus & Spyware Removal Services $69.95 About Us | Services | Virus and Spyware Removal | Custom Built Computers | Point of Sale Systems | Driving Directions | Contact Us Copyright 2011 ComputerOne Technology, Inc., All Rights Reserved - Website developed, hosted and maintained by Southfire, Inc. 2825 Washington Rd., Fairway Square Shopping Center, Augusta, GA 30909 - 706.667.9009

30 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

meets Monday, December 12, at 7 p.m., in the University Hospital Breast Health Center, and provides support for husbands and significant others of breast cancer patients. Free. Call 706774-4141 or visit universityhealth.org. Aiken Cares Alzheimer’s Support Group meets Tuesday, December 13, from 11 a.m.-noon, at Aiken Regional Medical Center’s Aurora Pavilion. Call 800-3228322 or visit aikenregional.com. Teens Under Fire meets Tuesday, December 13, from 4-6 p.m., at Aiken Regional Medical Center’s Dining Rooms A&B, first floor, and features intervention and prevention support for youth drug abuse, violence and crime for ages 1218. Pre-registration required. Call Mary Alice Baxter at 803-641-2421 or visit aikenregional.com. Chronic Kidney Disease Support Group meets Tuesday, December 13, from 5:30-6:30 p.m., at Doctor’s Hospital (H2U Classroom 4 and 5). Individuals diagnosed with chronic kidney disease, and their family members, are encouraged to attend. Call Iris McDuffie at 706-627-5864 or visit doctorshospital.net. OB/GYN Cancer Support Group meets Tuesday, December 13, at 7 p.m. For info and location, call 706-821-2944. Alzheimer’s Support Group-Augusta meets Tuesday, December 13, at 7 p.m., at the Alzheimer Association Chapter Building, 1899 Central Ave. Free. Call 706-731-9060. Alzheimer’s Disease Support GroupWestwood meets Thursday, December 15, at 3 p.m., at Westwood Nursing Facility in

V. 22 | NO. 67

Evans. Free. Call 706-863-7514.

Education

Introduction to PowerPoint is Thursday, December 8, at 6 p.m., at Wallace Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. USC-Aiken Convocation is Thursday, December 8, at 7 p.m., at the Convocation Center, and features an address by Jeffrey B. Wallace, former Aiken Standard editor and alumnus of USC-Aiken’s initial site of Banksia. Visit web.usca.edu/Commencement/index.dot.

Dr. Lee Ann Caldwell, director of the Center for the Study of Georgia History at Augusta State University. $10. Call 706724-0436 or visit historicaugusta.org.

Money Management Class is Tuesday, December 13, at 6:30 p.m., at the Columbia County Library. Call 706-8631946 or visit ecgrl.org.

Introduction to Word is Tuesday, December 13, at 6 p.m., at Wallace Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org.

Excel I Computer Class is Wednesday, December 14, from 10 a.m.-1 p.m., at Headquarters Branch Library. Library card required to register. Call 706-8212604 or visit ecgrl.org.

Introduction to Spreadsheets is Friday, December 9, and Friday, December 16, at 10 a.m., at Diamond Lakes Branch Library, and features two sessions of instruction in Excel 2007. Preregistration required. Call 706-7722432 or visit ecgrl.org. Grant Writing Workshop is Saturday, December 10, from 10 a.m.-noon, at Headquarters Branch Library in Augusta, and features instruction in finding and writing grants. Sponsored by JLJ Resources, Inc. $30 for class materials. Pre-registration required. Call 706-2102547 or email jljresources@aol.com. ‘Tis the Season, presented by DuPont Planetarium, is Saturday, December 10 and Monday, December 12, at 7 p.m. and 8 p.m., at USC Aiken, and features a history of the world’s holiday customs. $1-$4.50. Call 803-641-3654 or visit rpsec.usca.edu/planetarium. Christmas During the Civil War Lecture is Sunday, December 11, at noon, at The Boyhood Home of President Woodrow Wilson, and features a presentation by

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 31

Excel II Computer Class is Thursday, December 15, from 10 a.m.-1 p.m., at Headquarters Branch Library. Library card required to register. Call 706-8212604 or visit ecgrl.org. Creating Greeting Cards Using Word is Thursday, December 15, at 6 p.m., at Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-7226275 or visit ecgrl.org. Credit Management Class is Thursday, December 15, at 6:30 p.m., at the Columbia County Library. Call 706-8631946 or visit ecgrl.org.

KEN DAVIS

GED Classes at Headquarters Branch Library are offered every Monday and Thursday at 6 p.m. Registration not required. You must have a PINES library card. Call 706-863-1946. Classes are also offered at the Harlem Branch Library every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 8:30 p.m. Call 706-5569795 or visit ecgrl.org. ESL Classes at Headquarters Branch Library are offered every Wednesday at 6 p.m. To register, call Charles Garrick at 803-279-3363 or visit ecgrl.org.

Benefits

2011 Cares for Kids Radiothon begins Thursday, December 8, from 6 a.m.-7 p.m., with WBBQ and Kiss FM broadcasting live from Georgia Health Sciences University Children’s Medical Center. Call 877-719-5437 or visit georgiahealth.org/giving. James Brown Toy Giveaway Registration is Saturday, December 10, from 9-11 a.m., at the James Brown Arena. Parents must bring a valid state ID and

FOR OVER 25 YEARS

PAINTING & ROTTEN WOOD REPAIR

Cell: 704.617.3989 | Home: 706 840.1661

Call Today FREE ESTIMATES & LOW PRICES

all aboard the polar express sunday, december 11, at the augusta museum of history

Room Additions · Decks · Rotten Wood Hardwood Flooring · Vinyl Flooring Ceramic Tile · Painting Roofing Electrical & Plumbing

PRESSURE WASHING $100 average housewash

House Driveways · Roof Cleaning · Vinyl Siding · Brick & Stucco Gutter Cleaning · Window Washing

Claus for the Cause Talent Showcase and Swap and Shop is Saturday, December 10, from 10 a.m.-4 p.m. and 7-10 p.m., at Hip2Hip Studios. Presented by Greenbrier High School student Elisa McCain as part of her senior project. Proceeds benefit the Breast Center at University Hospital. Call Cheryl McCain at 706-799-6125. Chilly Chili Cook-Off, presented by Fairway Ford, is Saturday, December 10, from 11 a.m.-6 p.m., at the Augusta Common, and features live music, food and brews, unique gifts from area artists and vendors, a wheelchair basketball free throw competition, trivia and more. $10 in advance; $15 at the gate. Purchase tickets at Mellow Mushroom in Augusta and Evans, or at any Queensborough National Bank and Trust location. All proceeds benefit Champions Made from Adversity. Call Lelia Lawson at 706-3642422 or visit cmfa.us.

Home Improvement American Owned & Operated

to help Beth Camley, of Hephzibah, to receive a liver transplant. Contact Andy Jordan at 706-466-9230 or Denise Jordan at 706-466-9229.

birth certificate and Social Security number for each child, ages 1-12. Each registered child must be present at the toy giveaway Monday, December 19, at 9 a.m., at the James Brown Arena. Visit jamesbrownfamilyfdn.org. Wild Game Cook-Off and Country Gospel Jam is Saturday, December 10, from 9 a.m.-3 p.m., at Whispering Pines Baptist Church, in Hephzibah. Contest fee: $25. Admission: $2-5. Proceeds benefit the National Foundation for Transplants

Second Annual Celebration of Gospel Music Benefit, presented by Fa Sho Entertainment, is Saturday, December 10, at 5 p.m., at World Outreach Evangelistic Church, 3521 Jack Kelly Road, Augusta. Proceeds will benefit the Augusta chapter of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Call Chris Carswell at 706-394-4626. Holiday Donation Collection Project, sponsored by Jim Hudson Lexus, continues until Thursday, December 15, with two donation bins at the dealership. All donations must be of brand new items. For wish list information, visit volunteeraugusta.com/wishlist.htm. Salvation Army Angel Tree Christmas Assistance program is going on now at six area Walmarts, the Augusta Mall, CSRA Credit Union, the Kroc Center and

THE WEATHER GUY STEVE SMITH STAFF METEROLOGIST

706.798.6211

w w w. v i l l a e u r o p a . c o m

American . German . Italian Food & Spirits.

Est. 1974 ift er G n Ord ates o tific bsite r e C we our Consider our 36 years of tradition when planning your holiday gatherings | Bar Karaoke on Thursday

Lunch Monday-Friday 11am-3pm | Dinner Monday-Saturday 5pm-10pm | Sunday Dinner Noon-9pm

32 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

the Salvation Army Family Thrift Store. To participate, remove a tag from the Angel Tree, shop for the items requested and return them, unwrapped, to the same place by December 9. Gifts will be distributed December 20. Call 706-9221524 or visit salvationarmyaugusta.org.

Sports-Outdoors

Augusta Riverhawks vs. Huntsville Havoc is Thursday, December 8, at 7:30 p.m. at the James Brown Arena. $10-$18. Call 706-993-2645 or visit augustariverhawks.com. December Dash is Saturday, December 10, at 8 a.m., at Phinizy Swamp Nature Park, and features a 10K course through woods and wetlands, and water and fruit at the finish line. $17-$23 in advance, or $20-$25 the day of the race. Call 706-828-2109 or visit naturalsciencesacademy.org. Just for Fun Horse Show is Saturday, December 10, at 8 a.m., at Highfields Event Center in Aiken. Call 803-649-3505 or visit psjshows.com/highfields.php. Augusta-Aiken Audubon Society Field Trip to Merry Ponds is Saturday, December 10, from 9 a.m.-noon, with a carpool leaving from Popeye’s at Walton Way and Gordon Highway. Free. Visit augustaaikenaudubon. org/fieldtrips.

Augusta Riverhawks vs. Pensacola Ice Flyers game is Saturday, December 10, at 7:30 p.m., at the James Brown Arena. Tickets: $9-17. Call 706-993-2645 or visit augustariverhawks.com.

DECLASSIFIED

Full Moon Hike is Saturday, December 10, at 9 p.m., at Phinizy Swamp Nature Park, and

V. 22 | NO. 67

Christmas in Hopelands is Saturday, December 10-Sunday, December 11, at Hopelands Gardens, in Aiken, and features more than 100,000 holiday lights and refreshments. Free. Visitors should ride the shuttle from Fred’s parking lot on Whiskey Rd. All ages welcome. Children must be accompanied by an adult. The event continues December 15-23 and December 26. Call 803-642-7630 or visit aikencountysc.gov. Combined Test Horse Show is Sunday, December 11, at 8 a.m., at Highfields Event Center, in Aiken. Call 803-649-3505 or visit psjshows.com/highfields.php. The Spirits of the Holidays Historic Trolley Tours continue Fridays and Saturdays through December 31, at the Augusta Museum of History, and feature tours of downtown Augusta and North Augusta Christmas lights, and Merry Scary Christmas Karaoke and Holley-Trolley Dessert Tour. $12-22. Reservations required. Call 706-364-6608 or visit tours@ augustaghosttrolley.com.

Kids

Augusta State University’s Lady Jags vs. North Greenville basketball game is Saturday, December 10, at 2 p.m., at Christenberry Field House. Call 706731-7925 or visit aug.edu.

(actual size) 1.5” x 1.9” Tall $40 per week

features a two-hour moonlit hike. $10 per person. Visit naturalsciencesacademy.org.

Christmas Wreath Class is Thursday, December 8, at 4 p.m., at the Columbia County Library, and features instruction for kids, ages 6-11, in how to make wreaths out of household items. Preregistration required. Call 706-4477657 or visit ecgrl.org. Wilderness Survival is Friday, December 9, from 4:30-5:30 p.m., at Reed Creek Nature Park and Interpretive Center, and features instruction in backcountry camping and emergency survival. Free for members; $2 per child for nonmembers. Pre-registration required. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com.

Gingerbread House Workshop is Saturday, December 10, at 1:30 p.m., at the Augusta Museum of History, and features instruction by Jennifer Mooney, light refreshments and music. $20 per house. Children under eight years of age must be accompanied by an adult. Pre-registration required. Call Jennifer at 478-586-7645 or email at imagineitphoto@yahoo.com. Parents’ Night Out at the Family Y is Saturday, December 10, from 6-9:30 p.m., at the North Augusta Family Y, and 6-10 p.m. at Family Y Y130 Center in Thomson. $10 per child, for members; $15 per child, for nonmembers. Register at any Family Y location or visit thefamilyy.org. All Aboard the Polar Express: All Will Believe Day is Sunday, December 11, at 1 p.m. and 3 p.m., at the Augusta Museum of History, and features a performance of the children’s story, hot chocolate and cookies. Children must be in their pajamas, with a “golden ticket,” to board the train. $2 per child; free for member adults; $4 for nonmember adults. Limit two child tickets per adult. Tickets are available at the museum, Monday-Friday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Call 706722-8454 or visit augustamuseum.org. Jazz 4 Kids is Monday, December 12, at 6:30 p.m., at Diamond Lakes Branch Library, and features a special program for children ages 5-10. Free. Call 706772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Storytime with Mrs. Claus is Tuesday, December 13, from 4-6 p.m., at the Odell Weeks Center in Aiken, and features a free book giveaway, door prizes and refreshments for children 8 years of age and younger. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Call 803-6427631 or email ealtonen@cityofaiken. Holiday Story Time at the Maxwell Branch

Double Your Income!

Library is Wednesday, December 14, at 10 a.m. Group pre-registration is required. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org. A Visit from Santa is Wednesday, December 14, from 10-11 a.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-7226275 or visit ecgrl.org. Santa’s Workshop is Thursday, December 15, at 5 p.m., at the Columbia County Library, and features gift-making for mom and dad. All ages are welcome. Pre-registration required. Call 706-4477657 or visit ecgrl.org.

Seniors

Christmas Performance at Senior Luncheon, presented by The Augusta Chorale, is Wednesday, December 14, at 11:30 a.m., at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum. Free. Call 706-830-0991 or visit augustachorale.org. Christmas Performance at Golden Agers Luncheon, presented by The Augusta Chorale, is Thursday, December 15, at 11:30 a.m., at Elim Baptist Church, 2359 Mount Auburn St. Call 706-738-1294 or visit augustachorale.org.

Volunteers

Hospice Care of America’s Augusta office needs administrative and patient care volunteers. No experience necessary; training will be provided. Call Rich Boland at 706-447-2626 or email rboland@ msa-corp.com.

If you would like to see your organization’s events listed in our calendar, please email Amy Christian at amy@themetrospirit.com. The deadline for each Thursday’s issue is the previous Friday at noon.

PERSONAL ASSISTANT WANTED

We'll show you how to double your income and keep your old job while you are doing it. No experience necessary. We'll train you.

HOLIDAY DETOX SPECIAL! Colonic - $49 1 Hour Massage - $49 HCG Diet - $55 Herbal Detox Body Wrap - $59 Infra Red Sauna - $15

Call today 706-771-9218 about a new career in real estate.

706.945.1403 HEALINGWATERSCT.COM

Seeking a personal assistant.i.e., miscellaneous errands, phone calls, resolving minor issues, mailings, bill payment and general organizing.You will be paid $580/week send your resume to ka.thie@aol.com

PHARMACISTS NEEDED in Augusta, GA & surrounding areas, FT variable shifts. Resume to: S.Greene (IJO#7746001), CVS, 1751 East Main St., Spartanburg, SC 29307.

Must include IJO# in response.

All declassified ads are Cash in Advance (credit card payment required) and are $40 per week. Visit metrospirit.com to place your ad in minutes. METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 33

SIGHTINGS

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Lisa and Paul Lotspeich with Jann and Ray Perkins at Somewhere in Augusta.

Lisa Spence, Stephen Towns and Whitney Holden at Crums on Central.

Johnathan Adams, Lauren Jacobs and Bryson Smith at the Loft.

SIGHTINGS

Paul Willgus, Lindsey Davis, Ashley McClellan and Eli Oglesby at The Country Club.

Ginger Sizemore with Walker and Erin Madden at Crums on Central.

SIGHTINGS

Jessica Nelson, PJ Howard, Lauren Corvi and Kaitlyn Johnson at Bar on Broad.

Jessica Jahn, Cayd Harrington and Rachel Veal at Surrey Tavern.

Alyssa Schneider, Ross Cain, Kristyn Defouw and Daniel Dees at SantaCon 2011 at the Playground.

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Brandy Silas, singer/songwriter Bill Gentry and Susanna Roberts at The Country Club.

Purchase $100 in Gift Certificates receive a bonus $10 Gift Certificate

Serving Augusta for 28 years

SURRY CENTER ON HIGHLAND AVE. - THE FRENCHMARKETGRILLE.COM - 706.737.4865 34 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

>HAPPY HOUR : MON-FRI 4:30 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. DRINK SPECIALS V. 22 | NO. 67

THEEIGHT BOX TOPS

We get it... girls like vampires. Can we move on now? RANK

TITLE

WEEKEND GROSS

TOTAL GROSS

WEEK #

LAST WEEK

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART I

$16,535,465

$246,926,409

THE MUPPETS

$11,082,755

$56,357,170

HUGO

$7,557,709

$25,121,185

ARTHUR CHRISTMAS

$7,401,736

$25,343,487

HAPPY FEET TWO

$5,919,390

$51,704,566

“Melancholia”

Sam Eifling Film’s title is an understatement of Earth-shattering proportions The opening shots of “Melancholia” depict a tableau of surreal moments captured on and around the grounds of a grand estate and golf course — a mother clutching a child, a horse falling to rest, weather amok — while a blue-and-white marbled ball several times the size of Earth creeps up on our planet. As the operatic score rises and soars, the planet wanders closer and initiates a collision that sends our beloved continental plates flaking away into space like the hide of a pulverized M&M. With that, “Melancholia” announces it’s ending the world with a finality rarely imagined in even the grimmest science-fiction flicks. (Alternate, rejected title: “Bummer.”) In its ambition and scope, you have to grant that “Melancholia” is undertaking a broad portrait of something, with visual indulgences best suited to big-screen viewing. By the end you have to grant that even if it fell shy, it admirably aimed to die trying. As if the end of Earth weren’t bad enough, we soon open the narrative portion of the film to find that Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) are dreadfully late for their wedding reception. Their limo driver

can’t negotiate a tight curve, and as both bride and groom take turns trying to steer, they seem chipper, healthy. But upon arriving at the palatial home of their hostess and host — Justine’s sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland) — Justine fades. She connects with neither her gadfly father (John Hurt, delightfully) nor her brittle, cynical mother (Charlotte Rampling) and she continues to slink away from the party and from her family. In a second act with Claire at its center, the sisters cope with Justine’s emotional state while the news of the planet Melancholia’s approach comes to dominate the thoughts of John and of his and Claire’s young son, Leo (Cameron Spurr). Lars von Trier, the director and screenwriter, overshadowed the initial reception for “Melancholia” at Cannes when he invoked Hitler stupidly at a presser, but the film nonetheless was nominated for the Palme d’Or and Dunst was dubbed Best Actress. She has never been finer, scratching out Justine’s pained lurch through life with a dark, heavy savagery. Like the onrushing Melancholia, her sadness overtakes the screen and threatens to extirpate all it touches.

MOVIEREVIEW

Von Trier alternates between sniper and mugger in his framing, at turns sweeping over the grounds of the estate or drawing back for a sunrise starring Melancholia, but lingering longer in the drawn corners of Dunst’s mouth, the haunted looks in Gainsbourg’s eyes as the planet’s approach morphs from a novelty to a threat. Through them, von Trier can paint this infinite tragedy with tight, intimate strokes. Anything looks absurdly small when set against the impending end of the planet; that von Trier sets “Melancholia” amid a wedding and celebration by the ostentatiously wealthy seems a jabs at both. To that end, the film suggests that

NFL TICKET ALL DAY HAPPY HOUR ON SUNDAY

Closed Christmas Day

V. 22 | NO. 67

BAR ONLY | EVERYDAY 4-7 | 9- CLOSE

. Y A D S FRI

Y A W L T’S A

I , E R IN HE

blood is thicker than marriage. As the end of the world looms, “Melancholia” shrinks its cast, just as many of us are prone to in bad times, drawing near to those already closest, those still at hand even after hard shoves. With such a heavy title and short view of the world’s survival, “Melancholia” is tempting to read as a depression allegory. In that it must be regarded as the most pessimistic film of all time, were it not for the fact that, amid the squooshing of the entire planet, family may yet clutch tight. For that, at least, we may as well be grateful and remain calm.

SELECT APPETIZERS AT THE BAR 2800 WASHINGTON ROAD

$2 Bottles of Bud and Bud Light $3 Long Island Iced Tea, House Margaritas, & Absolut $4 Glasses of Wine $5 Pitchers of Bud Light, Michelob Ultra, & Yuengling METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 35

OPENING FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9

THE8ERS

THRILLER

“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,” rated R, starring Gary Oldman, Colin Firth. Don’t know if his work in this 1970s era spy thriller is worth it, but somebody please make sure Gary Oldman receives his first Oscar nomination. And Robin Williams has been nominated multiple times. How is that right?

ROM-COM

“New Year’s Eve,” rated PG-13, starring Katherine Heigl, Robert DiNiro, Ashton Kutcher, Sofia Vergara, Zac Efron, Abigail Breslin, Carla Gugino, Jessica Biel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Lea Michele, Hilary Swank, Halle Berry, ad naseum (literally). God, this movie looks awful.

COMEDY

“The Sitter,” rated R, starring Jonah Hill, Method Man. “The Hangover,” with some kids standing in for Zach Galifianakis, Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms.

DRAMA

“I Melt with You,” rated R, starring Thomas Jane, Rob Lowe and Jeremy Piven. The tag line for this movie is “When life hammers you, get smashed.” Enough said. Except that one reviewer described it as “one of the worst things that will ever happen to you.” Priceless.

Ten years or so before Lisbeth Salander hit movie screens in Sweden there was Germany’s Lola, who has 20 minutes to help her boyfriend Manni raise the cash he owes a really bad dude before he robs a store to solve this dire problem. So this badass with candyapple red hair sets out, three separate times, to raise the cash and save her boyfriend. Director Tom Tykwer does a bang-up job of making viewers feel every anxious moment of Lola’s frantic dashes. The pulsing soundtrack, animated episodes and cuts to the backgrounds of people Lola encounters are manic, but this thriller has a heart, and that heart is the main character’s relationship with Manni, explored between each of her attempts to raise the cash as the couple talks in bed. Because the viewer gets to know the couple, you can’t help but feel for Lola when her first two efforts fail miserably. Thankfully, the director gives her a couple of do-overs. Do yourself a favor and watch this in the original German; the movie’s just not the same without actress Franke Potente’s baby voice. Reading subtitles just this once won’t kill you.

36 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

Masters 7 Cinemas

December 9 In Time (PG-13) 4:15, 7, 9:30; Paranormal Activity 3 (R) 5, 7:45, 10; The Three Musketeers (PG-13) 4:30, 9:30; Abduction (PG-13) 4, 6:45, 9:15; Dolphin Tale (PG) 4, 6:45, 9:15; The Help (PG-13) 4:45, 8:30; The Smurfs (PG) 7:15; Midnight in Paris (PG-13) 5:15, 7:30, 9:45 December 10 In Time (PG-13) 1:45, 4:15, 7, 9:30; Paranormal Activity 3 (R) 12:45, 2:45, 5, 7:45, 10; The Three Musketeers (PG-13) 4:30, 9:30; Abduction (PG-13) 1, 4, 6:45, 9:15; Dolphin Tale (PG) 1, 4, 6:45, 9:15; The Help (PG-13) 1:30, 4:45, 8:30; The Smurfs (PG) 1:15, 7:15; Midnight in Paris (PG-13) 12:45, 3, 5:15, 7:30, 9:45

Evans Cinemas

December 9 New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 4, 6:55, 9:45; The Sitter (R) 3, 5:10, 7:20, 9:40; Arthur Christmas (PG) 2:05, 2:50, 4:30, 5:20, 7:40, 10: Hugo (PG) 3:30, 4:20, 6:30, 7:05, 9:15, 9:50; The Muppets (PG) 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Happy Feet Two (PG) 2:40, 4:10, 5:10, 7:35, 10; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG-13) 2:15, 3:40, 4:50, 6:30, 7:25, 9:10, 10; Immortals (R) 6:50, 9:30; Jack and Jill (PG) 3:10, 5:30, 7:45, 9:55; J. Edgar (R) 6:35, 9:35; Tower Heist (PG-13) 3:50, 7:15, 9:45; Puss in Boots (PG) 2:20, 4:40, 7:10, 9:25 December 10 New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 1:10, 4, 6:55, 9:45; The Sitter (R) 12:20, 3, 5:10, 7:20, 9:40; Arthur Christmas (PG) 11:45, 12:20, 2:05, 2:50, 4:30, 5:20, 7:40, 10: Hugo (PG) 12:40, 1:30, 3:30, 4:20, 6:30, 7:05, 9:15, 9:50; The Muppets (PG) noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Happy Feet Two (PG) 12:10, 1:40, 2:40, 4:10, 5:10, 7:35, 10; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG-13) 11:45, 1, 2:15, 3:40, 4:50, 6:30, 7:25, 9:10, 10; Immortals (R) 6:50, 9:30; Jack and

WERECOMMEND

“Run Lola Run”

Movie times are subject to change.

Jill (PG) 12:50, 3:10, 5:30, 7:45, 9:55; J. Edgar (R) 6:35, 9:35; Tower Heist (PG-13) 1:20, 3:50, 7:15, 9:45; Puss in Boots (PG) 11:55, 2:20, 4:40, 7:10, 9:25

Regal Exchange 20

December 9 New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 1, 2, 3:45, 4:45, 7, 7:30, 8, 9:45, 10:15, 10:45, 12:30; The Sitter (R) 12:50, 1:50, 3:05, 4, 5:15, 7:25, 7:55, 9:35, 10:05, 11:45, 12:15; Arthur Christmas (PG) 1:55, 4:25, 7:20, 9:50, 12:20; Hugo (PG) noon, 1:50, 2:55, 4:45, 7:10, 7:40, 10:05, 10:35; The Muppets (PG) 12:20, 2:10, 3:10, 4:55, 7:10, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20, 12:30; Happy Feet Two (PG) 1:05, 1:45, 2:15, 3:35, 4:15, 7:15; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG13) 1, 2, 3:45, 4:45, 7:15, 7:45, 10, 10:30; Immortals (R) 1:35, 2:05, 4:05, 4:35, 7:35, 8:05, 10:10, 10:40; Jack and Jill (PG) 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 9:55, 12:15; J. Edgar (R) 7, 10:05; Tower Heist (PG-13) 2:20, 5, 7:35, 10:10; A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (R) 4:55, 9:50, 12:10; Puss in Boots (PG) 12:10, 12:40, 2:30, 3:05, 4:50, 7:10, 7:55, 9:30, 11:50; Paranormal Activity 3 (R) 5:25, 10:25, 12:35 December 10 The Metropolitan Opera: Faust (NR) 12:55; New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 1, 2, 3:45, 4:45, 7, 7:30, 8, 9:45, 10:15, 10:45, 12:30; The Sitter (R) 12:50, 1:50, 3:05, 4, 5:15, 7:25, 7:55, 9:35, 10:05, 11:45, 12:15; Arthur Christmas (PG) 1:55, 4:25, 7:20, 9:50, 12:20; Hugo (PG) noon, 1:50, 2:55, 4:45, 7:10, 7:40, 10:05, 10:35; The Muppets (PG) 12:20, 2:10, 3:10, 4:55, 7:10, 7:40, 9:50, 10:20, 12:30; Happy Feet Two (PG) 1:05, 1:45, 2:15, 3:35, 4:15, 7:15; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG13) 1, 2, 3:45, 4:45, 7:15, 7:45, 10, 10:30; Immortals (R) 1:35, 2:05, 4:05, 4:35, 7:35, 8:05, 10:10, 10:40; Jack and Jill (PG) 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 9:55, 12:15; J. Edgar (R) 7, 10:05; Tower Heist (PG-13) 2:20, 5, 7:35, 10:10; A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (R) 4:55, 9:50, 12:10; Puss in Boots (PG) 12:10, 12:40, 2:30, 3:05, 4:50, 7:10, 7:55, 9:30, 11:50; Paranormal Activity 3 (R) 5:25, 10:25, 12:35

We’re growing! The Metro Spirit is looking for an experienced media account executive to add to our staff. Must have outside sales experience. College degree preferred but not required. Fast paced, exciting and meaningful work with great earning potential. commission. Please send resume to joe@themetrospirit.com V. 22 | NO. 67

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 37

38 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 39

40 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

Thursday, December 8

Live Music Country Club - Eastin Corbin Coyote’s - Jeremy Graham French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Joe’s Underground - Keith Gregory Sky City - Jucifer w/ Nuklear Blast Suntan Surrey Tavern - Sibling String Wild Wing - Sibling String What’s Tonight? Casa Blanca - Thursday Tango Club Argos - Karaoke Cocktails Lounge - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Highlander - Butt Naked Trivia The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) - Karaoke Pizza Joint, Evans - DJ Kris Fisher The Playground - Open Mic with Brandy Villa Europa - Karaoke Wooden Barrel - ’80s Night Karaoke

Friday, December 9

Live Music Cotton Patch - Riley Williams Country Club - Ty Brown Coyote’s - Daniel Lee Band Fox’s Lair - Jeff Johnson French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Joe’s Underground - The Atom Blondes Sector 7G - Veara, Mudbrute, Miracle Year, My Brother’s Keeper, Panic Manor Sky City - Zach Deputy Somewhere In Augusta - The Unmentionables Surrey Tavern - Mama Says Wild Wing - Irritating Julie What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - DJ Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Three J’s Karaoke Roadrunner Cafe - Karaoke Soul Bar - ’80s Night Tropicabana - Latin Friday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Karaoke Contest

Saturday, December 10

Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse - Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Bell Auditorium - Amy Grant, Vince Gill Cotton Patch - Jerry Land Country Club - Holman Autry Band Coyote’s - Outshyne Fox’s Lair - R2D1 Joe’s Underground - Jerod Gay P.I. Bar and Grill - Not Gaddy Jazz Sector 7G - Woody Pines Sky City - Festivus of Bands w/ JJ Maj & The Unpolished Brass, The Favors Surrey Tavern - Playback w/ Tutu Dyvine V. 22 | NO. 67

Wild Wing - Nimrod What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke Robbie’s - Saturday Night Dance Party Tropicabana - Salsa Saturday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Kamikaze Karaoke

Sunday, December 11

Live Music 5 O’Clock Bistro - Buzz and Candice Wild Wing - Keith Gregory The Willcox - Mike Frost, Lauren Meccia What’s Tonight? Caribbean Soul - Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jacks - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke

Monday, December 12

What’s Tonight? Applebee’s (Evans) - Trivia Club Argos - Karaoke Malibu Jack’s - Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Wild Wing - ’80s Karoke

Tuesday, December 13

Live Music Cocktails Lounge - Live Music Fox’s Lair - John Fisher The Highlander - Open Mic Night Joe’s Underground - Ruskin Wild Wing - Swingin Richards What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Dart League Malibu Jack’s - Karaoke with Denny

Wednesday, December 14 Live Music Joe’s Underground - Sibling String Manuel’s - Rene Russell Wild Wing - Tiki Barflys

What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Santoni’s Satin Dolls Cocktails Lounge - Augusta’s Got Talent Cotton Patch - Trivia and Tunes Coyote’s - Drink N Drown & DJ Jeff Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Karaoke The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke The Place on Broad - Jazz DJ The Playground - Karaoke with Big Troy Somewhere In Augusta - Comedy w/ Al Goodwin and Russell Ehrett METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 41

INMUSIC

Matt Stone has a girlfriend… and other important news

Book your

Christmas PartyPrivate Now! Parties

TONIGHT!

Thursday Nights

College Night with DJ Juan Show your valid college ID for drink specials all night

(Must be 21 years old to enter)

Friday & Saturday Night

December 9th: DJ #Juan December 10th: DJ Lord Fantastic

New Years 2012 Celebration JOIN US NEW YEARS EVE featured bands: DIRTY BLUE DRESS ACID WASH CHAMPAGNE TOAST AT MIDNIGHT RAFFLE FOR 3 VIP PARTIES ($200 value each) $10 pp | $15 couples

LADIES NEVER PAY A COVER CHARGE PROPER ATTIRE REQUIRED Check the Bar on Broad Facebook page for more specials and events.

917 Broad Street | Thursday - Saturday 9pm to Close

Contact David at 706.288.7119

Sky City was jammed packed this past weekend for my lady’s fashion show. That’s right, somehow I convinced a girl to date me. The Sally Ann Lingerie Fashion Show was a huge success. A big shout-out goes to the band Funk You. If you’re looking for a fun band that plays good funk music, I give two thumbs up. Matt Stone approved. I’m not sure if this is because of Vince Neil being under house arrest or not, but Mötley Crüe will become the first hard rock band to do a Las Vegas residency. The band is set to take over the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in February. Appropriately named Mötley Crüe in Sin City, the Vegas stint will include 12 shows. Couple things I can promise you about this show: Vince will hardly sing (he mostly just holds the microphone out and lets you sing), Mick Mars won’t move the entire show and Tommy Lee will do something amazing on the drums with his shirt off. Time for a road trip. Do people still care about the Grammys these days? Each year I check out the list of nominations and try to find things I’ll care about. There’s not much for me this year, but luckily the Foo Fighters put out a new album. The Foos are up for Album of the Year, Best Pop Duo/ Group Performance, Best Rock Performance, Best Hard Rock/ Metal Performance and Best Rock Album. Not too shabby, guys. I will go ahead and tell you that Adele will be walking away with a ton of Grammy awards. Get it, a ton? Adele? Yeah. Other notables getting recognized this year are The Black Keys, Radiohead, Kings of Leon and Death Cab for Cutie. So it’s official. The NFL announced that Madonna will be the musical entertainment for the Super Bowl halftime show this year. In a related topic, her skin does resemble that of a pig, so it makes sense to me. I sure hope she sings “Ray of Light.” It’s my favorite. If there is one thing about me that is prevalent, it’s the fact that I love beer. Good beer. And this new beer is right up my alley. Teen sensations Hanson are prepping the launch of MMMHop, their own brand of beer. MMMHop… you see what they did there? For anyone lucky enough not to know these three, Hanson is a group of brothers who had a hit song in the ’90s called “MMMBop.” And for most of us, it made our ears bleed. The beer is expected to be overhyped and loved by teenage girls. Or it’s an India Pale Ale, available in early 2012. In touring news, one of my favorite bands, The Black Keys, are headed out on tour in support of their newly released album “El Camino.” Arctic Monkeys are set to open for the band. Closest date to us will be March 24 in Charlotte, N.C. Well, Nickelback proved that they are good, but not as good as Michael Buble. Christmas always wins over booze and porn stars. Well, at least on the charts it does. Nickelback’s new album “Here and Now” debuted at No. 2 on the charts behind Buble’s Christmas album, appropriately titled “Christmas.” How clever. “Holiday” albums are filling the charts right now including one from Justin Bieber. Yes, I already own it. And last in the charts, I wonder when Chris Cornell will learn that his solo music blows. Stick with Soundgarden, little buddy. His latest solo venture, called “Songbook,” just debuted at No. 69. Haha… 69. Mark your calendars. This holiday season, on Sunday, December 18 at the Imperial Theatre, is the annual 12 Bands of Christmas concert. This year it’s another great lineup and it’s always for a great cause. All right, what shows am I missing? What venues should I be visiting? It can be up to you. Email me at matt@themetrospirit.com.

Matt Stone can be heard weekdays from 2-6 p.m. on 95 Rock.

42 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67

Stocking Stuffers You know they'll love! It's time to add a little Wild Wing to your holiday gift giving needs.

Wild Wing

gift g card

on. the legend livethse lege

if t

card

nd lives

on.

Gift Cards Available In-Store and Online.

Thursday Sibling String Friday Night Rocks Irritating Julie Saturday NIMROD - Green Day Tribute Sunday NFL Action • Keith Gregory later Washington Road just past I-20 • 706-364-WILD (9453) w w w. w i l d w i n g c a f e . c o m V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 43

ONTHEBALL

Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-Talk-Sports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @Mattlane28.

High, Low and So-So… and Heisman! A grab bag list of all things good, bad and in-between High

Former Georgia players: Kansas City LB Justin Houston was a one-man wrecking crew last Sunday. He pummeled the Bears offense with three sacks, two other quarterback hits, a forced fumble and a deflected pass. Not too shabby for a rookie, huh? After finishing with five catches against Cincinnati, Hines Ward left himself just shy of 1,000 catches for his career. He only needs 10 more receptions to reach the historical landmark. Many Canton voters acknowledge the out of the ordinary career Ward has enjoyed, but some are unsure if him becoming the eighth player in history to record 1,000 catches will be enough to earn the prized bust. Future Georgia players: The Dawgs got Keith Marshall, the No. 1 rated running back in the nation from Raleigh, N.C. Marshall is smaller, quicker and more elusive than last year’s No. 1 recruit, Isaiah Crowell. He’s also enrolling in January, so he’ll be able to participate with the Bulldogs in winter workouts, spring football and summer workouts. Marshall chose UGA over Clemson, Florida and South Carolina. Rod Hall, guard, Clemson: You have to watch this former Laney standout do work for the Tigers. As a freshman, in an intense rivalry game against South Carolina last week, Hall logged 34 minutes of play — the second highest on the team — and was instrumental in the late rally that almost dealt the Gamecocks a loss. Guy is a beast on defense, too. CSRA high school basketball: Starting with the ladies, two teams from our local area were included in the first regular season Top 10 poll: from AA, Laney (10) and, in AAA, Washington County (1). From the boys side, three teams from AAA were included — Butler (2), Thomson (4) and Washington County (8). Best of luck to all of our local teams this year!

Low

Georgia’s current running back situation: You have the SEC freshman of the year in running back Isaiah Crowell — who after every run, when he’s not suspended or in Richt’s doghouse, staggers to his feet, face grimacing with pain — and the head coach announced an open competition for the running back job during the Outback Bowl practices. Now that’s (!) a situation. Atlanta Falcons: The seeding on this list comes because of what the Falcons should be. Much like the Tigers we’ll talk about in a bit, they can’t separate themselves from teams with lesser talent — which all the great ones do. I’d say it’s about time to rise

up, boys. Shame on you, Matt Ryan, for getting outplayed by T.J. Yates. This team will still be in the mix due to Chicago losing Jay Cutler, and because they hold the tiebreaker over Detroit. Which Falcons team will show up for the last quarter of the season?

So-So

Clemson football: This one can be cut both ways: Do you put them in the high category since they won the ACC championship handily against Virginia Tech, or are you still in the camp that calls them underachievers? With a team, coach and program like this, it’s just too hard to describe exactly what they are.

Heisman Vote

RG3… why? He finished the regular season No. 1 in pass efficiency (192.3), and check out the record he’s sure to break after the bowl game. Incredible. He threw for 3,998 yards, 36 touchdowns and six interceptions, and still rushed for 644 yards and nine touchdowns with his legs. Who else do you like? Richardson? He’s good, but he splits carries and they already gave Mark Ingram the gold statute for that model of play. Andrew Luck? Sure, preseason favorite, but with a chance to avenge last year’s loss and give Stanford a shot at the Pac-12 championship, he had his worst game of the season. He has NFL talent on that offense, don’t kid yourself. Robert Griffin III? See the stats above but also take a walk with me… Baylor basketball was left in shambles after a scandal arose following the 2003 murder of basketball player Patrick Dennehy by teammate Carlton Dotson. It was a scandal that left the program, and school for that matter, with one of the harshest penalties ever handed out to a program without issuing the death penalty. Just ask SMU what happens to athletic programs after the gavel is raised and slammed. That’s what makes Griffin so special. He — along with Perry Jones III, Baylor basketball star — have blossomed into beacons of stability at Baylor University after everyone else erased Waco, Texas, off their Rand McNally maps. In the first game against TCU, last year’s Rose Bowl victors, he dominated. What about in his school’s first win over Oklahoma? He dominated. And finally, against the juggernaut of in-state recruiting, the Texas Longhorns, he dominated. All in all, when his average team needed his superstar spark, he delivered in those big games with 11 touchdowns and one interception. So if you’re voting for somebody else, I sure wouldn’t admit it out loud.

Happy Holidays From Forest Hills Golf Club!

4 Players for only $120.00 *Valid Monday- Friday anytime. taxes excluded. Cannot be combined with any other offers or used towards group outings. 44 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

706.733.0001 | 1500 Comfort Road

THEFORESTHILLSGOLFCOURSE.COM V. 22 | NO. 67

ADVICEGODDESS

Her Best Friend’s Waiting

My girlfriend’s best friend is her ex. They broke up six years ago (upon mutual agreement). She swears she’s much happier being his friend and says they both feel they weren’t meant to be romantic partners. Well, she clearly adores the hell out of him, and he’s her go-to guy for her problems (family, career and probably any issues with me). She respects my opinion, but sometimes I feel she only asks for it so I won’t feel second banana to him. We’ve only been dating eight months, and I feel she believes what she says about their friendship, but part of me worries that she’s still in love with him but not aware of it. During one of their long phone chats, if he said he wanted to be with her after all, I suspect I’d be dumped fast. — Second Best

If this were a chick flick, you’d be the plot device — the guy the girl’s with just so she can figure out that she should marry the other guy. (Start worrying if you roll over in bed and see a couple of prop men unplugging your lamp.) Of course it’s hard for you to believe that a guy who once wanted her body now just wants her ear. Their insistence that they’re just friends does run contrary to the wisdom of the noted therapist Billy Crystal, who warned in his seminal work, “When Harry Met Sally,” that “men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” Sure it does — mainly when they have yet to have sex with each other. But, these two have been there, done each other (and done each other and then some). Chances are, the thrill of the chase really has given way to the thrill of getting on the phone so they can cluck like two excitable hens. People commonly think love is only supposed to come in groups of two, like on the ark. But, this “two-topia” — the notion that one person will meet your every emotional, sexual and career counseling need (while leading you in a killer ashtanga workout) — is actually an impossible ideal. The truth is, in addition to your romantic partner, you can have another deeply important person in your life — a friend-plus! — who you love more than a typical friend but who you don’t love naked (or don’t love naked anymore). And sure, if your girlfriend has a BFF, you’d prefer it to be somebody named Melanie, whose interests run the gamut from shoes to shoes. And yes, she could suddenly decide to “put the ex back in sex.” But, six years post-breakup, it’s likely her attraction is more therapeutic — having a longtime friend to lean on who’s probably helped her dust all the skeletons hanging in her closets (home, office and beyond). Don’t get all wound up in trying to compete with him or meet her every need; you just need to meet enough of them and keep getting to know her. Throw yourself into your relationship instead of obsessing that it will end, and try to focus on the merits of their friendship. This guy enhances her life, and if her life is enhanced, she’s enhanced, and so is her life with you… even if that flies in the face of everything you’ve ever heard about how love is “supposed” to play out. (Shakespeare wrote “Romeo and Juliet,” not “Romeo, Juliet and Bob.”)

Poach Class

meet real women tonight

most local singles

try for

free

706.434.0108 Local Numbers: 1.800.210.1010 18+

Ahora en Español

www.livelinks.com

Two male friends who know I’m happily married have made a pass at me recently. One’s kind of a player, so… whatever. The other I considered a very good friend (of seven years), and I find myself remarkably angry with him. Some friend. I feel like posting a blog item, “I have never been unfaithful to my husband and never will be.” — Betrayed When one dog tries to hump another, it generally isn’t because he finds the other dog ethically sketchy. I get that you aren’t a chihuahua with computer privileges, but there’s a good chance the thought process for these guys was dog-humpingly deep. I had you send me your photo, and you’re gorgeous. Men make passes at women who are blindingly attractive — and not necessarily because they devalue them as friends or think they’ll be quick to toss their wedding ring on another man’s night table. Sometimes, impulse, dirty martinis, desperation and seven years of a woman’s hotitude just come to a head. This isn’t to say you should excuse what these guys did or continue being friends with them if that’s painful, but it may help to understand that the calculation here may not have involved a comprehensive risk/ benefit analysis… beyond you’re beautiful and they’re drunk, and if they’re going to be relegated to meaningless anonymous sex, they’d like it to be with you.

TRAFFIC JAM CHAD BENNETT TRAFFIC

©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email adviceamy@aol.com. Also visit advicegoddess.com and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).

V. 22 | NO. 67

METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11 45

Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.

15 in 5

Little white lies and a little red wine 1. Being a parent is nothing like I thought it’d be. It’s way more exhausting. 2. If you tell your kids they can’t have dessert, it’s perfectly acceptable and fun to eat a fat piece of cake while they watch. 3. Usually when I say “We’ll see,” it really means “Absolutely not, but I don’t want to hear you whine about it right now.” 4. Mom Minutes are completely different than actual minutes and can take as long as I need them to take. 5. Even if I cook an entire meal made up of all things The Kids love, someone will complain. Maybe they both will. I’m pretty sure that if I served chocolate everything, one of them would moan about it. “It’s soooo sweet, Mama.” 6. Why do kids use so much paper? I don’t just mean toilet paper. The amount of paper they bring home from school is ridiculous. Not to mention the little pieces of “art” they leave everywhere. As soon as The Kids leave for school, I start throwing stuff away. Most of the time, they don’t notice. Every once in a while, one of them will come home asking what

happened to the piece of paper with one line on it that was so important. Oh, that? Daddy must’ve thrown it away. 7. I feel for them when they’re sick. I really do. They’re snuggly when they have a fever. I like a random day home from school with them. When they barf, all those feelings seem to disappear. 8. Telling little white lies is just a basic part of parenting. We do it to make our lives easier. By saying that those huge plastic car-shaped shopping carts belong to someone else, you’ll avoid knocking over the cardboard displays throughout the store. Trust me. Those things are impossible to steer. 9. At least once, I’ve heard myself say “because I said so,” “If he jumped off a

bridge, would you?” and “Do I have to pull this car over?” I cringe each time, but there’s a reason those sayings have been around for so long. They work like a charm. 10. Both of my kids have used the f-word. The boy used it appropriately, letting me know that he didn’t want to put on his bleeping shoes. He was three. The Girl informed all of her friends on the playground that she knew a bad word, and she shared it with them. I’d like to tell you that I was furious, but cussing isn’t the biggest deal to me. Considering all of the terrible things that kids and teens can and will do, swearing just isn’t a hill worth dying on. My only request is that they don’t talk like a sailor at school, church or in front of

their grandmother. 11. I can see now why my parents liked to drink wine. Homework and sibling rivalry will make even the most patient person lose their mind. Hats off to you teetotaling parents out there. 12. Although The Boy despises homework, The Girl absolutely loves it. She even creates her own, spelling words phonetically and leaving little notes around the house. Our favorite so far? Ckwusjin morc. 13. It’s amazing that two children can come from the same parents and be so different. It’s truly impossible to pick a favorite. Especially when they’re fighting. 14. If anyone has a way to explain how much you love your kids, I’d love to know what it is. I have yet to come up with an eloquent but accurate way to describe how great they are. 15. Being a parent is the hardest job there is. Anyone who says it’s not is hiding under their Super Mom cape. We all question everything every day, and that’s okay. We do our best, and that’s all we have. Well, that and Xanax.

JENNYISWRIGHT

46 METRO SPIRIT 12.8.11

V. 22 | NO. 67