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VOLUME 53, ISSUE 6 | THURSDAY NOV. 16, 2017 | WWW.MERAMECMONTAGE.COM

THE BUDGET CRISIS

Photo by Melissa Wilkinson

RIFPC: ‘Don’t vote for the reduction in force’ Student organization attempts to sway board against cutting faculty Melissa Wilkinson | Editor-in-Chief

The Student Social Action Committee (SSAC) met with Chancellor Pittman and several other board members on Monday, Nov. 6 to formally introduce their five proposals to prevent a reduction in force.

SSAC’s proposals are as follows; push for legislation to amend the Missouri constitution to improve the tax code in the school’s favor, establish a student advisory council to aid the marketing department to increase enrollment, introduce a series of sustainability policies to reduce operational costs, investigate the possibility of funding from outside sources and consider event-based on-campus fundraising to earn revenue.

“I thought it was a great meeting,” said Pittman.

“They came very well prepared. I felt [the proposals] were fantastic ideas. Clearly this group is into looking into the future of the college.”

The proposals were crafted in response to the ongoing budget saga during which Pittman announced the possibility of terminating full-time faculty members in order to reduce costs. The five proposals emerged from SSAC’s new subcommittee, the Reduction in Force Prevention Coalition (RIFPC).

“Ultimately, we want the college to adopt a

growth model which does not require faculty to be cut,” said SSAC President Xavier Phillips. “We know there are ways to reduce cost without reduction of faculty.”

According to Vice President Amna Habib, SSAC was treated with respect by the attending administrators who, in addition to Chancellor Pittman, included Vice Chairman Rodney Gee, Trustee Kevin Martin, Trustee Craig Larson, Vice President for Academic Affairs Andrew Langrehr, Vice Chancellor of Finance and Administration Paul Zinck and Executive Director of Marketing and Communications Kedra Tolson.

Habib said that Zinck was scheduled to give a budget presentation at the meeting, but upon hearing the SSAC speak, determined that they already had the information he was going to present.

“They were surprised that we were more informed than they anticipated,” said Habib.” “But then Paul Zinck was helpful in providing clarification on certain things. They were receptive to us and agreed to give us additional budget information and statistics that we’ve requested.”

According to Phillips, the administrators were

receptive to all but two proposals, one of which was to campaign to change the Missouri constitution.

Although Pittman didn’t deny the effectiveness of a change to the Hancock Amendment, which limits state funding, he did say that, as a bipartisan construct, the administration by law cannot be directly involved in any sort of political agenda.

“That’s not our role. We cannot be engaged at all at any political debate,” said Pittman.

The second disagreement regarded the proposal to host fundraising events on campus. According to administrators, such actions would be in conflict with the Unrelated Business Income Taxed law, which prevents educational institutions from earning revenue from ventures unrelated to school activities.

“Their response was that perhaps we could do more events but rather than for revenue they could try to raise our status in the community,” said Habib.

While Pittman was receptive to the suggestion of establishing a student advisory council, Phillips said he remains wary about Pittman’s idea of what such a council would be.

“They seemed fond of [the idea] but I don’t know if they want us to be there to look at what they’re doing

continued on page 2

Veterans Week: More than just patriotic decoration

Gun control: When will the government care?

Men’s Soccer: A team of many nationalities

-Art & Life, Page 4

-Opinions, Page 7

-Sports, Page 8

Page 2 | News Nov. 16, 2017

St. Louis ‘thirsty’ to bring Amazon’s HQ2 to the Midwest Chancellor Pittman helps write one of 238 proposals to host company’s new headquarters Stephen Buechter | Staff Writer

Graphic by Noah Sliney

St. Louis is a strong contender for Amazon’s second headquarters, according to STLCC’s own Chancellor Jeff Pittman.

The college became personally involved when Pittman was asked by the St. Louis Mayor’s office and St. Louis partnerships to assist in the creation of a proposal to Amazon to bring HQ2 to the Midwest.

Pittman was asked on Sept.

6 to work with the St. Louis area education system to write part of the proposal focusing on job growth and education.

While Pittman himself worked on a small subcommittee of only eight to ten people, the full team was around 100.

According to Pittman, he was selected for the role due to STLCC’s reputation for producing graduates who are prepared for the workforce and history of strategic alignment with potential business partners.

Pittman said that the St. Louis area has a large variety of educational institutions for its size, including trade schools, community colleges and multiple well-known four-year colleges featuring a wide range of subjects.

“The thing that struck me as I was putting together this piece of it was just how diverse we are with offerings,” said Pittman.

Pittman said he saw opportunities for STLCC to create connections with Amazon to make the potential headquarters even more appealing for students.

Similar successful programs already exist, including Launch Code and a Boeing pre-employment program at Florrissant Valley.

“I think Amazon would look for creative solutions that the St. Louis region has. How well

“Change”

we work with area business and industry is probably one of the strongest points that will be made in that proposal,” said Pittman.

Political science professor John Messmer said that he believed the St. Louis area is “slightly above average” in relation to having quality technical schooling available in the area, a feature that could be useful to Amazon.

“I find it hard to believe that [the proposal] wouldn’t tout the fact that we do have major institutions of higher education beginning with Wash U, but also that we have

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a great technical college and community college system,” said Messmer.

Messmer said he’s heard speculations that, due to the presence of Amazon’s first headquarters in Seattle, there will be strong consideration for an HQ2 in the Midwest or East Coast. And according to Messmer, St. Louis is “thirsty” for the opportunity.

“I think one of the advantages we might have is that we’re desperate,” said Messmer. “I think the more the city is desperate, the more they’re able to bend over backwards...They go to Denver, they go to Chicago, they go to Dallas, Fort Worth, they’re just one of many giants in those communities. They come here, they automatically become one of the big boys.”

Lindenwood University Professor Rik Hafer said that STLCC students would be very likely to benefit from the number of jobs a new Amazon headquarters would create, including fields like business analytics, accounting, and even culinary arts.

“Each and everyone of those fields are being served by St. Louis community college,” said Hafer.

Hafer, who is director

of Lindenwood’s Center for Economics and the Environment and husband of Meramec’s professor Gail Hafer, also said that St. Louis’s central location could be a point in its favor. St. Louis is a major transportation hub, accessible by rail, truck and water, and its location makes it easy to get to any other part of the country.

Pittman also cited an overall well-developed and high-quality system of infrastructure as a benefit for St. Louis.

According to Amazon, 238 proposals have been received from cities and regions across North America.

Currently the company has not yet announced any leanings toward any location for its new headquarters.

Their website states that they plan on investing 5 million dollars for construction in HQ2’s new home city, and the new structure will create up to 50,000 high paying jobs.

According to Pittman, this could mean big things for the community.

“The alignments that they create and all the other types of businesses that would come up around that would be amazing,” said Pittman.

SSAC on budget issues continued from page 1

or...have an advisory which comes up with a set of marketing initiatives they can work towards. I don’t know if they think advisory means that or if they think it means sit and watch.”

According to Pittman, he would be interested in getting student feedback on future marketing strategies.

SSAC also hosted an adjunct panel discussion on Nov. 14. Despite Phillips having invited over 70 faculty members, only one adjunct professor was willing to join in on the discussion. According to Habib, the reason for the low turnout is a “culture of intimidation.”

“It’s important to note here that faculty have a legitimate concern of losing their jobs if they speak up in certain ways,” said Habib.

Phillips agreed, and said he has been personally approached by faculty members who said they are uncomfortable speaking out for fear of being punished with termination.

Pittman has historically disagreed. In an Oct. 27 interview he denied the creation of a “culture of intimidation”, stating that the atmosphere he created is one of transparency, accountability and civility.

“I have always done everything I can to be respectful,” said Pittman.

After the events of the Nov.

6 meeting, termination is no longer just a possibility. According to Phillips, Pittman and the other administrators heavily defended the recent reduction in force (RIF) recommendations created by the budget response team.

“From the beginning of the meeting Pittman began by explaining why they have to do the RIF,” said Phillips.

Chancellor Pittman denied that the RIF is inevitable but defended the recommendations of the Budget Response Team, which were compiled from months of discussion, research, constituent feedback and scouring data.

“Not approving it certainly won’t change the need to address the budget,” said Pittman.

Phillips has already arranged additional meetings with administrators to further discuss the RIFPC’s proposals to attempt to sway board opinions before the Nov. 30 meeting at the Cosand Center during which the official response to the budget crisis will be determined.

“They are not simply proposals,” said Phillips. “They are part of a larger budget recommendation from SSAC which is basically anti-RIF. What we’re trying to say is, when it’s time to vote, don’t vote for the RIF and this is why.”

Page 3 | News 4 Nov. 16, 2017

STLCC proposes cuts up to 70 full time faculty Other proposals include suspending sabbaticals, changes to insurance policies Melissa Wilkinson | Editor-in-Chief An Oct. 28 email sent to faculty by Chancellor Pittman outlined proposals made by the Budget Response Team to counteract the budget shortfall set in place by Gov. Greitens. Among the many suggestions was a proposal to reduce the number of full-time faculty by up to 70 by summer 2019.

According to the email, the final number will be calculated through guidelines within the joint resolution of the National Education Association which aligns the number of students enrolled with the number of full-time faculty. This reduction would effectively lower STLCC’s ranking among peer institutions from first (45 students per fulltime faculty) to second (54 students per full-time faculty).

The Board of Trustees met at the Cosand Center on Oct. 30 to discuss the proposals. The meeting was referred to as a “work session” by the board and

didn’t allow for any public input, although many full-time faculty attended the meeting.

The official decision will be announced at the Nov. 30 board meeting according to memos handed out at the session.

Each board member was given time to ask questions regarding the budget.

Chairwoman Doris Graham praised “the decorum” of the board and their “good and professional discussion.”

“I wanted everybody…to ask their questions. I don’t care about how many questions they have. I wanted them to ask the response team and committee those questions, so their minds could be clear as to what was going on, and to be transparent,” said Graham.

In addition to the full-time faculty cuts, Pittman’s email also named several other proposals generated by the budget response work groups, formed

earlier this year in response to budget shortfalls; a reduction in non-faculty of up to 25 persons, temporarily suspending sabbaticals, improving course schedule efficiency and implementation of an annual program viability process.

The official decision will be announced at the Nov. 30 board meeting.

Also included in the response was the recommendation that a voluntary separation incentive payment (VSIP) be offered for employees wishing to consider that option. This VSIP will carry the same terms as the VSIP offered earlier this year.

Pittman also announced the for-

mation of a Reduction in Force Team to “assist those employees with the transition who have had their position eliminated.”

While the recommendations operate under the assumptions that current enrollment and state revenue funding remain in line with predictions, Pittman said in the email that any future reductions to enrollment or funding will need to be addressed with further budget adjustments.

“It is the hope of trustees, faculty, staff and students of STLCC that future cuts do not occur. However, the leadership of the college is working diligently to address the budget shortfalls that exist in a manner that will propel the college forward regardless of any future budget shortfalls the college may face,” said Pittman.

Tania Robin contributed to this article.

New faculty evaluation system designed with growth in mind

Full-time staff will now receive feedback each semester instead of every three years A new evaluation system has been created for STLCC faculty. Launched this fall semester, the new system is designed to create more accurate evaluations and allow for growth of full-time faculty.

Vice Chancellor Andrew Langrehr and Forest Park Librarian Jeffrey Papier both spoke at a board meeting Oct. 19 about the new system. Langrehr explained that the old system had been in place since 1981 and was overdue for an update. The timing for the update is no coincidence; the Higher Learning Commission will be visiting STLCC this February for evaluation purposes.

“The charge for this group was to create a new faculty evaluation system for full-time faculty at St. Louis Community College. To do that, we needed to do a lot of research and the best practice in the literature and take a look at other colleges in this lane. We did some surveying of our faculty to determine what issues they saw,” says Langrehr.

Previously faculty were required to be evaluated once every three years.

Faculty had to pass out student surveys in just one of their classes, were visited by the chair and dean of their subject and had to put together a portfolio

packet displaying new class materials.

According to Papier, the old system wasn’t helping faculty grow.“The new system is designed with professional growth and improvement for faculty in mind. [It] focuses on empowering and improving faculty to enhance and expand their professionalism, especially in the areas of growth through teaching and growth through service through the college,” said Papier.

With the new system, faculty receive student feedback each semester and also throughout their three year cycle rather than at the last year of the cycle.

There are also new components of the student faculty evaluation. Faculty must receive at least one student evaluation per semester and there must be two in-class evaluation per cycle, performed by the dean of their respective department and a faculty member of choice.

Doug Hurst, Meramec communications professor, said the old system was limited in how it could help teachers improve. Hurst was part of the task force to help create the new evaluation system.

“I’m excited about it. We’ve been working on it for about a year and a

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Jeff Papier, librarian at Forest Park, addresses the Board of Trustees at the Oct. 19 meeting. half,” said Hurst. “[The new system] focuses on professional development, teaching and learning about our growth as faculty opposed to being strictly summative as the last system.”

According to Langrehr, the task force, established in May 2016, consisted of 15 members that represented the district, including faculty from various

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disciplines and HR, the deans and Langrehr himself.

Hurst said he believes the new system is a big improvement over the old one. “I think the [it’s] better for staff and faculty. This system helps teachers be better teachers and more effective in the classroom and helping students,” said Hurst.

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Page 4 | Art & Life

4

Nov. 16, 2017

Student Government Association Hosts Night of Frights Annual Trunk or Treat brings together students, community, children Meramec got spooky this Oct. 27 during its third annual Trunk or Treat event, which brought together many students, neighborhood kids and parents for a night of haunted fun.

Originally held in the parking lot, the Student Government Association started Trunk or Treat to give local children a safe alternative to trick-or-treating.

Campus clubs would decorate vehicles and serve up sweets out of the trunk.

“We have a number of students who are parents,” said Carolyn O’Laughlin, Manager of Campus Life. “Often our events don’t apply but this is certainly one that does. We make sure to invite the children of the faculty and staff so they can attend too.”

According to O’Laughlin, who helped coordinate the event, it’s often difficult for parents who are working and going to school full time to find a trusted area in which to trick-or-treat.

But thanks to the efforts of the faculty and students, that is no longer a problem.

“It’s just to have a good time,” said O’Laughlin. “To escape for a little bit.”

The event has since moved to the Student Center cafeteria, but although the location has changed, the spirit of the event has not. The many clubs set up tables with themes based around their club, complete with a Halloween twist. There were also games and, of course, candy. Children contributed to the atmosphere by dressing

up as their favorite superhero, villain, princess or animal.

Many of the students, faculty and visitors also wore costumes. Some dressed from classics like Disney’s “Lilo and Stitch” or “Wonder Woman”, while some were original adaptations. A kid version of Zoom from DC’s “The Flash” was spotted briefly before racing off.

Also on scene was a giant skeletal tyrannosaurus posing for pictures with children and parents.

The games were catered towards children, meaning that win or lose, participants still got a prize. There was also a DJ that played spooky classics that made a lot of the kids get up and dance while their parents, students and faculty could chat amongst themselves.

“It’s an event that students get to mingle,” said O’Laughlin. “You get to be a kid again and have fun...it’s a benefit for all of us.”

The diversity of Meramec students was displayed through the numerous participating clubs who attempted to attract attention with their table offerings.

The Campus Crusaders for Christ, for instance, spread their message through pieces of papers attached to candies with vaguely Halloween-themed text from the Bible.

The chemistry club used a more scientific approach to attract new recruits.

When one of the students held out his hand the other would mix two solutions together, which was then filtered

Photo by Christopher Hutson

Christopher Hutson | Staff Writer

A table at the Oct. 27 Trunk or Treat event. Clubs decorated their tables with spooky decorations and handed out candy to attending children. through a tube, producing a large white bubble. The bubbles were then stacked atop each other, creating a bubble ghost and surprising students, parents and kids alike.

Tricia Duffin, advisor of Meramec’s theater club, said she had five students who dressed up, decorated their table and handed out candy.

“I think it was more about…getting the clubs involved in the community,” said Duffin. “We have a lot of students

that are of various ages and have kids and various needs. It’s kind of an opportunity to get them to know that we’re here, that we have clubs and activities they can join.

It was evident by the smiles present on everyone’s faces that the third annual Trunk or Treat was a complete success.

“Our students really enjoyed putting it on, so it’s really fun for them, and it benefits our larger community,” said O’Laughlin.

Sky Club Brings Astronaut to Campus for Otherworldly Experience

‘Ask an Astronaut’ event features Q&A with former astronaut Linda Godwin Stephen Buechter | Staff Writer Meramec’s Sky Club hosted an out of this world event on the eve of Nov. 6 when former astronaut Linda Godwin answered questions and gave a presentation on her four trips to the International Space Station. The event was well attended, and Godwin said that the questions asked were even better than expected.

The president of the Sky Club, Jeremiah Slanger, said that the event was likely to pique an interest in the subject of space and space travel.

“Science is really what kind of drove me into really wanting to get back into school and everything. So I would say

that everyone’s interested by that,” said Slanger. “Everyone’s interested in meeting an astronaut.”

According to Slanger, the event was born through connections between the staff supervisor and a student. “[Our supervisor] Joe actually has a student that is Linda Godwin’s niece.

And so Joe was in contact with her, and got her to talk with her aunt, and eventually he asked the question on whether she would be willing to have a speech,” said Slanger.

Joshua Bus, who attended the event, said that it “definitely piqued his interest”, and that he had looked into

space travel in the past, but hearing the section of Godwin’s presentation dedicated to commercial space travel and her responses to questions gave him a renewed interest.

“It was this big government organization working on it, and now it’s… well, your more average day-to-day person actually has a chance to get involved,” said Bus. Bus appreciated that the presentation was more focused on “day-to-day” activities instead of complex and detailed topics such as how a spacecraft is launched.

“You see the movies about what it’s

like to float and all that, but I thought it was really cool to talk to someone and have her just tell you about the view or little things like the grape juice on the window,” said Bus. Slanger said that the presentation was a “good learning experience,” citing a young girl in the audience who asked a question about the effects of microgravity, and that there were some unexpected questions as well.

“I would say the most unexpected questions were from the gentleman who asked about Area 51 and...aliens and all this,” said Slanger. “That was pretty entertaining.”

Photos by Amanda Harris

Joe Schneider, physical science instructor and Sky Club advisor, introduces NASA astronaut, Linda Godwin on Nov. 6 in BA 105.

Linda Godwin, former NASA astronaut, answers an audience question at the end of her presentation.

Page 5 | Art & Life 4 Nov. 16, 2017

Meramec Breaks Out the Red, White and Blue Veteran’s Club honors holiday with a week of veteran-themed activities For Meramec’s veteran’s club, the flags in the library quad represented more than just a patriotic decoration.

Nov. 6-10 was Veteran’s Week, an event which has been in the works for months, according to veteran’s club president Axa Guerra.

“The trouble with reaching the community and the student body was that most students aren’t actually veterans or don’t have strong ties to the military,” said Guerra. “We came up with the idea of doing things for the veterans in the community. My main goal was to reach as many people on campus I could.”

Guerra, who was an avionics technician in the Air Force for eight years, was a Meramec student before he joined the service at age 20. He returned to Meramec to take classes for his personal growth. According to Guerra, he inherited the idea of Veteran’s Week from the previous club president.

Each day of Veteran’s Week saw a new feature on campus to draw attention to the celebration of those who have donated military service. Club members placed flags in the library quad on Sunday night so they could be seen on Monday. Tuesday, the cafeteria hosted tables from several veteran’s services groups for veterans to ask questions. Wednesday there was an inflatable obstacle course in the student center quad which, according to financial aid counselor and VA certifying official Katie Schaben, was a huge success with students.

“We saw students running literally out of the library with their shoes already off. We went through nine batches of popcorn,” said Schaben. “Students loved it.”

According to Guerra, the obstacle course was put up to give back to the community.

“We did that kind of as a way to give students a way to destress,” said Schaben. “We’re in between midterms, right before finals...And in the end, the holidays tend to be a hard time for veterans because it’s a time they used to see some of their battle buddies who may not be with us anymore. This was a way to blow off some steam, get some physical aggression out.”

Thursday featured a mobile vet center with an expert from the veteran affairs medical center. Veterans were invited into the center, which was stationed in the visitor parking lot, for mental health information or referral

Photos by Amanda Harris

Melissa Wilkinson | Editor-in-Chief

Top: Flags in the library quad placed by the Veteran’s Club on Nov. 5 promote the upcoming Veteran’s Week. Bottom left: Bo-Courtney Billops finishes his decent down the inflatable obstacle course on Nov. 8. Bottom right: Jim Cormier, Axa Guerra and Jim Frost prepare to raise the flag during the national anthem for the traditional flag raising ceremony on Nov. 10.

services in a private setting.

Friday featured a traditional flag-raising ceremony. Student veterans in attendance were encouraged to wear their ‘cover’, a baseball or military hat, with their branch of service on it.

Schaben invited her grandfather, who served in the Korean War, to attend the ceremony.

“I come from a huge military family,” said Schaben. “It gave me the passion... to help those that have served and to help those with disabilities in general. Once you give them that encour-

agement and power they tend to do really well.”

Schaben was integral in establishing the veteran’s resource center on campus. She was also brought in several years ago to help get the veteran’s club more active.

“That’s been a struggle because a lot of our students are commuters. They come here, they go to school, and then they either have life or a job or something else that takes them away from campus quickly. We figured if we can’t get our veterans super active lets at let

the other students know we’re here.”

According to Schaben, the best way to honor our veterans is to treat them like any other student; with respect.

“Some veterans don’t wear it on their sleeve,” said Schaben. “If you see a veteran, thank them for their service.

Something as small as that is huge. It means a lot to them.”

Guerra expressed similar sentiments on the topic.

“I don’t think veterans are looking for much. Just a simple “thank you for your service.” is good enough for me.”

the

MONTAGE student voice What’s your stance on gun control?

“I feel there should be a happy medium. You can’t get rid of guns completely but you can’t let people do what they want.”

“Other countries with tighter gun control have less issues. No one needs an assault rifle, especially civillians.

There’s no point to it.”

“I’m for guns because of the way I’ve been raised.

My dad’s a gun dealer and I personally support the NRA.”

“I’m not big on gun control, but after the Las Vegas shooting I think we need to talk about it.”

-Bradley Fabinch, Sophomore

-Ben Hardin, Freshman

-Erika Lloyd, Freshman

-Trey Marlette, Sophomore

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Page 7 | Opinions 4 Nov. 16, 2017

The overglorification of guns in America After the Las Vegas massacre, when will the government start to care?

Christopher Hutson | Staff Writer Fifty thousand. That is the number of gun related incidents just this year in our country. Yet the year is still not over, and that number can grow much more. It is no surprise that we as Americans love our guns. It’s something of a birthright to us. A portion of the second amendment states that it is “…the right of the people to keep and bear arms…”

However, I don’t think that James Madison, founding father and fourth President of the United States, had the faintest idea of what kind of guns we would produce today. What with the recent mass shooting in Las Vegas, now is a good time to discuss when enough is enough, who should be allowed to have firearms, and what should be considered a firearm.

Compared to the 324 million people that populate our country, 50 thousand is not a huge number. But it still represents 50 thousand people that have been accidentally shot, injured or killed. In the Las Vegas shooting, a man named Stephen Paddock booked a room overlooking the Route 91 Harvest music festival. He set up cameras looking up and down the hall of the hotel to see if anyone would approach his room, broke open the window overlooking the festival and then perched himself there along with his 23 assault rifles and thousands of rounds of ammo. He then proceeded to take aim at the crowd of concertgoers, killing 58 people and injuring over 500.

The guns that he used wreaked havoc for over nine minutes and were mod-

ified so that he could fire continuously with ease. What surprised most people after the incident was that the guns he used are legal for purchase.

Not only were the weapons legal but so were the modifications that allowed the guns to be fired without restraint. When the Second Amendment was drafted James Madison and his other constituents did not know how guns would evolve. Firearms today are considered to be a rifle, pistol or portable gun. Is it possible that the drafters only meant for pistols and shotguns to be considered firearms? I think that we, as a nation, have over-glorified guns to the point that we are able to buy fully automatic guns that can puncture through several feet of concrete and even burn objects. These kinds of guns do not represent the reason the Second Amendment was created; it

Many of the guns used by the Vegas shooter were over-the-counter guns accessible to anyone over the age of 18. These kinds of guns should not be given out like gum.

There should be longer background check periods and the mental status of the buyer should be taken into account. While it is our Second Amendment right, some people should not have access to a gun. Despite the many mass shootings and

was written so that citizens could protect their livelihoods and property without the government getting involved, not to live out some fantasy of gunning down dozens of people.

Oddly enough, those kinds of guns are easily accessible.

deaths involving guns, the laws that surround gun use and ownership have remained relatively the same. At what point will this change? Until we have stricter gun control laws we will always have to worry about the next

Vegas shooter. More background checks, mental evaluations, and mandatory classes for handling and maintaining a gun are just some ideas brought forth to help lower gun related incidents.

At what point will the government start to care?

Graphic by Noah Sliney

Favors fatal to the flesh: Cupcakes suck and here’s why An explanation from a strong skeptic of these ‘baseball-sized crumb bombs’ Children’s birthday parties are littered with these bastards (excluding the children). Much like crossbred-corgis are merely corgis in disguise, these use holiday disguises. As if a constantly evolving plague, they come in many devastating forms. Guess what I am discussing—I will give you a few hints: coarse, rough, gets everywhere; no, it is not sand. It is an entirely different dry disaster: cupcakes.

I cannot, not even for a second, reconcile my conscience with reducing the moist scrumptiousness of cake into baseball-sized crumb bombs. I have had cake in a cup before and it is in an actual cup. Grooved-side, oversized Ketchupdispenser dip holders do not count.

I am eating cake, not unpackaging a messy, Styrofoam peanut-loaded Amazon purchase.

Cupcakes are popular among the general populace still. I fear an egregious era wherein all foods are morphed into ghastly, paper cup-held imitations unoriginally coined “_______ cupcakes”. Break a leg, Arizona Robbins. (S9; E10; Grey’s...)

The varying tastes matter not, for these are flavors fatal to the flesh— half-assed imitations defined by their mocking interpretations of anything and everything otherwise tasty: peanut butter, buttercream, cheesecake. These tastes are terrible in cupcake form. Allow an explanation from a strong skeptic.

Cupcakes are an abomination in

Graphic by Paul Van Leunen

Morgan Ratliff | Staff Writer

the eyes of your preferred deity (or lack thereof). Yet, it is the ecumenical religion (i.e., a cupcake “business”) of the wannabe bijou-shop owner, soccer mom-type which promotes latitudinarian, hole-punch-gift-cards worship. These businesses’ sprightly colors attack with forced force such that Assault & Battery Charges would not be inappropriate. Their towering and good-for-half-a-cheek chairs are merely decorative, and they are laughable at best. Their displays are a complicated complex of

interchangeable monstrosities loaded with ugly toppings evoking cutesy, Emoji-derived expressiveness. They call upon banal platitudes as selling points; e.g., “You deserve a lil’ sweetness in your life,” “A taste that takes you back,” and “Friends are like cupcakes in the pantry of memories.”

Mass-production cannot save cupcakes. I am looking at you, Hostess; you and your oddly shaped, typically smushed confections poorly filled with cheap icing plopping into boxes off conveyor belts to land themselves

on the overprice-marked shelves of overcrowded supermarkets. Stick to Twinkies.

Grocery store-bakeries are not better, as every cheap, disproportionate glob of swirled icing that awkwardly smears up the plastic containers from which these terrible deserts tendcome blows like a sputtering exhaust pipe: that is, it is worthy of choking on.

Any reasonable person will doublestop harder than the guitar solo drum-kicks in Cult of Personality after trying a cupcake.

Life hacks, a movement built upon the basis of ineffectual quasiinnovations, cannot save cupcakes either.

Every YouTube video of some random, white, American male speaking pseudo-Russian while attempting to show the benefits of tearing the bottom half of your cupcake off and slapping it upside-down on top of the icing to create a sandwich makes me want to concoct Cupcake Frosting Vodka Molotov’s and set fire to their homes.

Whether small or tall, big or little, gargantuan or guppy, cupcakes in all their shapes and sizes serve up an Outback-outclassing (see: monumental) portion of disappointment.

No treatment has ever, nor will ever, do them justice.

Oh, and, reiterated one last time, they suck: end paragraph; end article; end discussion.

Page 8 | Sports Nov. 16, 2017

Meet the Players of Archers Men’s Soccer Concilia Ndlovu | Staff Writer

One victory towards nationals is in the net for the Archers men’s soccer team. The Archers defeated Illinois Central College 1-0 Nov. 13 in Prescott Valley, Arizona.

On the road to nationals, the Archers team is accelerated by its many international students. There are 11 in total, with hometowns ranging from Canada to Scotland to England.

Men’s Soccer wins the Central District Championship against Illinois Central college on Nov. 4.

Connor Summerhill, Defense

Conor McArthur, Forward

Braedan Passalis, Goal Keeper

“I feel like we’ve come a lot closer as a team [this year] and we’re a lot stronger. We’ve got a bit more depth this year and there’s a lot more quality. “

“[I want] to play pro for the Celtics, the team I support back home. That’s the dream I have.

To play forward for our own team and to make it.“

“STLCC is more physical than [Missouri Baptist University], different playing style, we play more direct, and have more possession.”

Sophomore Southend on Sea, United Kingdom

Freshman Glasgow, Scotland

Sophomore Winnepeg, Canada

Women’s Soccer Season Ends with Defeat in Semifinals Lady Archers end the season with a record 10-7 Ashley Biundo | Sports Editor STLCC women’s soccer comes to an end with a record of 10-. The team made it all the way to the Semi-finals, cutting short against MCC-Blue River with a score of 2-0 on Oct. 27.

“Women’s soccer has grown since the beginning of the season,” said Pat-

rick Niehaus, student assistant for women’s soccer team.

Niehaus said the team began the season with only nine girls.

Jason Howard, the head coach, said he had a very talented group this year.

“I think that we did well overall.

We definitely played better at home.

The numbers supported that we had a winning record on the road, but I don’t think it tells the whole story there,” said Niehaus.“We seemed to struggle a lot more against teams who were as good as us. We seemed to lack the intensity

necessary to win games against them.

10-7 is better than the last few years though, which is a big step in the right direction. I expect Jason and Nate will continually build off that to improve the program and get where they want to go.”

Photos by Ashley Biundo

Michelle Kean, Defense, dribbles the ball away from SWIC on Oct. 12.

Olivia Gonzalez steals the ball away from a SWIC defender.