The Montage's Parody Issue

N

T H E N O N TA G E

One Student Happy With Financial Aid Student describes experience with Financial Aid Office as ‘Satisfactory’ BRAT SPARROW STAFF PIRATE On a busy afternoon at STLCCMeramec, sophomore April Fulles found herself where most college students dread to go: the Financial Aid office. Having heard so many horror stories, she said she was reluctant to meet with the department, however the outcome was better than she expected.

After filling out a mountain of informational forms, Fulles took a seat next to a crying transfer student and waited for her number to be called – all while fighting off the pungent smell of desperation wafting out from the room’s double doors.

“It was a little intimidating at first.

I relaxed a little when I focused on the background music playing – but then I realized that what I was hearing wasn’t music. It was actually just the sound of dreams being crushed into microscopic

shards,” Fulles said.

Knowing full and well that requesting Financial Aid counseling was a long and tedious process, Fulles said she made sure to clear her schedule beforehand. Doctor’s appointments were rescheduled; plans were cancelled; she even asked her cousin Samantha to postpone her wedding.

“I basically took a marker to my calendar and crossed out the whole month of March – just to be safe,” Fulles said.

The wait took less time than Fulles expected – 18 hours, as opposed to the 247 she had planned out. Feeling pleasantly surprised, Fulles said that after her tripledigit number was called she entered the office feeling optimistic, and that she felt hopeful the paperwork she had spent so long completing would not need to be redone.

The counselor she met with was very helpful; Fulles was only yelled at and lied to a mere handful of times – much less than the average student. Her counselor was even kind enough to cut back on the amount of condescending glances she gave Fulles, sensing the sophomore had been going through a lot recently.

“I would really deem the service as ‘satisfactory,’” Fulles said.

To pay for classes, Fulles needed to take out a small loan. After taking out a loan, most Meramec students are required to tattoo the words “lifetime debt” across their foreheads, but Fulles was able to work with the office enough to avoid that painful process.

“I was so surprised that they didn’t ask me to do that. I was so sure everyone had to.

I even shaved my forehead in preparation,”

Fulles said.

In exchange, art major Fulles only had to agree to sell her next collection of paintings, aptly titled “soul”, to STLCCMeramec Board of Trustees member Dr. Devil. The paintings, meant to be her lifetime’s work, will not be finished for many years.

Regardless, Fulles said she thinks the deal was “fair” and that she didn’t leave the office feeling robbed like so many of her peers.

“The only think that struck me as strange was that they asked me to sign my promissory note with my own blood,” Fulles said. “There was also some bit about my first born child, but I have to admit that I wasn’t paying attention. I couldn’t help it.

Eighteen hours of no sleep, and I was out of it.”

Convicted felon Jevon Mallory spotted in quad Page A4

Former student Jevon Mallory still in jail Page A3

Meramec hires former felon as mental health consultant Page A2

Former student hired as prison model Page A1

Volume 50 Issue A1

www.meramecmontage.com

April 1, 2015

A2

APRIL FOOLS

Meramec sponsors ‘Thirsty Thursday’ event On-campus tiki bar, beer pong tournament proves to reduce student stress MCCHICKEN STAFF CHEF The halfway mark for the race of spring semester 2015 has been reached. Spring break is over and students have come back to face the reality of Big Bend, Blackboard, and books. The semester has begun to take a greater toll on students as the steady flow of homework causes increasing levels of stress.

“The projects, papers, and reading just never stops,” freshmen Dane Cage said. “I can never seem to catch up.”

Students are fed up.

“This is my last semester at Meramec,” 21-year-old sophomore Ivanna Gogh said. “ I am overwhelmed with my homework load as well as making plans to transfer to Webster University in the fall. Not to mention my social life is non existent.”

Not only students are aware of these increased stress levels. Faculty members have begun to notice a campus-wide effect on students as well.

“We have been seeing a larger number of students come in on a weekly basis,” Meramec counselor Faye Nelson said.

“Almost every single one talks about how stressed they are and how it’s affecting them both physically and emotionally.”

Attendance was never so low.

“In my 10 years of teaching I have never had this low of participation and attendance in my classes as I do now,” Nelson said. “I can tell some of them are mentally somewhere else while sitting in the classroom and their grades are reflecting

it.”

STLCC Administration decided to take matters into their own hands. On Monday morning, March 16, the Meramec School Board held a meeting to discuss options on how to address the issues of attendance, participation and academics. By 2 p.m. a conclusion had been reached. It has been decided to initiate Thirsty Thursday as a weekly campus event open to all students 21 and above.

“We want students to succeed,” academic adviser Jack N. Koke said. “High amounts of stress can be very harmful to the mind and body. It is very important for students to make time to slow down and relax.”

The kick off date for Thirsty Thursday is April 9th from 5-6 p.m. in LH102. A volunteer faculty member will check identification at the door each week.

Admission is free and attendees will be given two drink tickets to conserve resources.

Local Kirkwood bartender Jim Dunst has volunteered to help with the weekly event.

“I am pro the initiative of Thirsty Thursday,” Gogh said. “I don’t even have to leave campus to relax after a long day of school and it’s free.”

Though the event is free for students, it is encouraged to bring cash in order to tip.

“Academic success for students is something I feel is very important,” Dunst said. “I am happy to help in any way that I can.”

Midterm scores prompt mandatory extra credit

OP INIONS

ILYA BOOBTITSKY STAFF GENIUS

April Fools’ is a ‘Stupid’ Holiday

If midterms felt a little more stressful this year it is because they were. According to STLCC Administration there was a huge decrease in midterm test scores.

The college is unsure of what might have caused this plummet, but they are fixing students grades, STLCC grade fixer Regina Falanjee said.

All professors at STLCC have been ordered to offer extra credit to offset such low test scores, Falanjee said. The average midterm grade this semester was a 14 percent. This beats the previous record low in 2003 of 28 percent.

According to professor April Narr, instructors are furious.

“This is unbelievable; I was laughing so hard when I got the letter,” Narr said.

“The students here should have to keep their midterm grade and learn to study. It isn’t my fault that the students don’t study or try at anything they do.”

She then proceeded to yell obscenities for the next 20 minutes before turning in her letter of resignation.

Students on the other hand have a much better outlook on the extra credit.

Second year student Laurence Witz said she is owed this opportunity.

“It’s great that the school is offering something like this for its students. It shows that they actually care about what we do here and how we preform,” Witz said.

“Sure we should have studied and maybe worked harder for our grade. But, we have other things going on. I have zombies to kill and chips to eat. I can’t study every single night. That’s just asking way too much.”

It is the night of March 31st. The end of safety as one knows it approaches. It grows increasingly dreary outside as night takes over. Head hits the pillow only to await the terrors of the next day. April Fools’ Day is the day in which no news is taken seriously, whether it is good or bad. It is the day where all sense of reality goes to die, the day where one’s friends become potential threats and no one is to be trusted. No one.

April Fools’ Day is by far the most pointless “holiday” in the entirety of ridiculous holidays celebrated in the United States. It MCCHICKEN STAFF CHEF does not even deserve the title of being an official holiday. It is an entire day set aside to pull pranks on one another in a meaningless attempt to feel better about oneself. Any mischievous behavior is quickly brushed off as acceptable with a quick rendition of the mocking slogan, “April Fools Day.” The recipient of such prank is left to simply dust off their shoulders, accept it and move on. People participate in the belittling of others for a laugh, and at the possible expense of someone else.

Now don’t get the wrong idea, sarcasm and quick-witted humor is something to be celebrated, but not at the expense of someone else. The majority of pranks on this day take little to no talent at all to pull off. If someone has to set aside one day of the year to pull off a stunt to be considered “funny”, then that person is incredibly lacking in any sense of creativity whatsoever.

A true prankster would expand their trickery throughout different times of the year. If someone really wants to pull off a successful prank, in opposition they should not do it on April 1st. March could end and go straight to the 2nd of April and the world would not be missing anything, it instead would be a better place.

Despite all expectations and knowledge of this day, every

year innocent victims fall to the traps of practical jokes. April 1st opens up the world of practical jokes and pranks (sometimes taken too far) and makes them not just acceptable but encouraged. The receiver of such prank(s) may be considered “too sensitive” if they become upset with any unwanted prank.

Heaven forbid anyone were to get a promotion or have a loved one die on April Fools’ Day. Any such good or bad news will inevitably be followed up with an interrogation of such claim in order to determine the authenticity of it. All truth takes an extended amount of energy to prove that it is indeed true. This is extra energy unnecessary to exert solely due to the day of the year.

Nearly all holidays celebrated around the world have a specific origin of how and why the holiday began. April Fools’ Day (also known as All Fools Day) however does not have any certain origin, and the suspected origins are merely theories.

According to The Museum of Hoaxes, The CalendarChange Theory states that the calendar was reformed in France in 1564. The beginning of the year moved from the end of March to January 1st. People who failed to embrace the new calendar had pranks pulled on them during the week of the old New Year that fell between March 25th and April 1st. The unfortunate victims of these jokes were called Poisson d’ Avril, translated as April Fish from the tradition of having paper fish stuck to their backs. The French term April Fools evolved from this original nickname and is still used today. Despite this story, it is still but a theory of how the unnecessary tradition began.

What keeps this holiday alive? How does it sustain from one year to the next? One thing is for sure, it holds true to its name in which ‘all fools’ participate in this day. If less and less people partake in such a ridiculous display of rituals of such holiday, it will hopefully progressively dissipate out of existence. April Fools’ Day shall become nothing but a distant memory of our nation’s traditions. The world will therefore become a more gentle and trustworthy place.

A3

APRIL FOOLS

Kanye West hits up Meramec LANOCANE FRIST STAFF WANKER Following Kanye West’s interruption of Album of the Year Award winner Beck’s acceptance speech at the 57th Annual Grammy Awards this year, and the subsequent refusal of West’s request for Beck to turn his award over to Beyonce, West still has yet to let Beck walk away from his victory without but another middle-school lunchroom battle – only this time it’s on the collegiate level.

STLCC-Meramec was purchased on March 3, 2015, by West, and though STLCC board members held their ground in opposition at the start, they swiftly crumbled at West’s offer of 1.2 billion dollars for the campus facilities alone.

“Someone needs to teach Beck a lesson,” West said. “So that’s what I’m doing. I’m buying a college so I can teach Beck a lesson.”

Upon West’s stepping into his role as sole proprietor of Meramec, his first actions were to fire the entire faculty and staff, shut down the student library (later replacing it with a building called “The Joint,”) and do away with the letter-grading system.

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books,” West said.

“People shouldn’t be defined by letters of the alphabet – they just cool or they ain’t.”

West has since replaced the standard academic grading-scale system at Meramec with only two options – “Cool” (pass) or “Whack” (fail), and despite these radical changes, students are still attending classes that are not even being hosted by professors out of the sheer confusion of everything.

“It’s weird. For the most part Kanye hangs out on a throne he’s installed in the quad, but sometimes he pops his head into the classrooms and asks ‘what’s goin’ on in here’, and someone replies ‘we’re just hanging out.’ He says ‘Cool,’ and that’s that,” Meramec student Bendly Funderburk said. “One time a guy said ‘I’m sitting here waiting to learn something.’ and Kanye said ‘That’s whack,’ and the kid was immediately expelled. I feel really sorry for that guy.”

Students aren’t just being affected in the academic sense with this recent turn of events, as Meramec student Bill Gezella points out.

“It’s been really bad. The college is filthy because Kanye fired the janitorial and groundskeeping staff. Some students are starving, too, because no one works in the cafeteria anymore, and the food has long-since expired. I heard someone just died from eating a rancid egg salad the other day,” Gezella said. “I’m not learning anything, but I’m afraid to drop my classes because I’m here on financial

aid, and that would go against academic standards. How do I explain in an appeal that it’s all Kanye West’s fault?”

As if things are not falling heavy enough on West’s Meramec student body, its former faculty and staff members are facing their fair share of hardships because of this transition. Former English professor and adviser Shannon Philpott has lost nearly everything she has worked for in this turn of events.

“I can’t find a job,” Philpott said. “I had a great resume up until Kanye stepped in, but now when a potential employer reviews my references and they come to find that I was ‘fired for being whack’ the doors are immediately slammed in my face.”

Amidst the turmoil of West’s attempts to overrun the academic infrastructure, it has not gone unnoticed. Beck has recently stepped in, and is currently opening a community college in Meramec’s neighboring county Webster Groves.

“I intend to offer the current students of Meramec Community College a healthy learning environment that they cannot only transfer to without question, but also attend free of charge in order to make up for the lack of education they’ve received under Kayne’s administration. He’s

ILLUSTRATION BY CHASIN’ WATERFALLS

ruining people’s lives with this lack of education, and it’s really just a shame.”

Beck’s deeds had once again not gone unnoticed by West, as he took action and issued a statement against Beck via Twitter. “If anyone knows education, it’s Beyonce. Beck just needs to hand his college over to Beyonce for the sake of true education.”

Braking: All parking reserved for staff

CLASS SPOTLIGHT Bartending 101

LECTURE HALL STAFF DICTATOR

STORY AND ILLUSTRATION BY DIL VEGGIE STAFF NUTRITIONIST

After weeks of deliberation amongst STLCC - Meramec administration, a final decision has been made to expand faculty parking, leaving fewer spots for students.

“We just feel that our faculty does so much. They should be able to park wherever they want,” Meramec President Pam McIntyre said.

The new change will be implemented on Monday, April 6. While it is happening late in the semester, McIntyre said administration simply could not wait to reward their faculty.

“Students don’t really get good grades anyway, so what’s the point? If they want their spots, they can work for them,” parking administrator Screwthem Over said.

However, students can now place bids for the parking spaces leftover. The “Parking Spot Auctions,” as they are being called, will be held weekly in the Student Center Quad. Students are expected to fight to the death for their desired spaces, and whoever lives and has the highest bid wins.

All proceeds from the auctions are going to Meramec so they can begin funding a summer vacation for faculty.

“Oh, I’m in this for the vacay. We do so much for these kids, we deserve to have a few months away,” swimming instructor Lifesa Beach said.

In Bartending 101, taught by Professor James Dean Ludwig, students will learn all they need to know about becoming a bartender. This class includes lectures and a lab with plenty of alcohol flowing.

“I like to drink, I know students like to drink, so we should all learn how to drink good stuff,” Ludwig said.

Lectures are on various drink mixes, bottle throwing techniques similar to the movie “Cocktail” and learning how to talk to emotionally unstable individuals that just broke up with their significant others.

The lab for this class will require students to learn how to use the count system/‘free pour’ drinks, Ludwig said.

Students will take notes and record their data as well as their blood alcohol content while testing their concoctions.

“The class is really cool and I crack up every time the teacher says ‘concoctions,’” STLCC Meramec student Jack Daniels said.

Students will also learn the names of some of the most popular drinks ordered at the bar such as “Dirty Shirleys,” “Sex on the Beach,” “Buttery Nipples” and “Blow Job” shots.

The Montage will not be able to follow-up on this story because West has discontinued funding to all extracurricular activities, including the student newspaper.

“Writing stuff on paper is a dead language last used by Egyptians,” West said. “Twitter is the only reliable source of informational media. Everyone knows this, and if they don’t it’s they own fault.”

Students can talk to and consult actors and actresses who are playing the emotionally unstable role of the common barfly, said Ludwig.

“Hopefully I will learn how to talk to the ladies like Tom Cruise did in that really ancient movie,” Daniels said.

Student James Beam said that he took the class because the teacher was hot, but he surprisingly learned more about getting people drunk than he ever wanted to know. “Yea, the class is cool,” Beam said.

Prerequisites for this class include a grade of C or higher in psychology and an A in anger management.

PHOTO BY RICHARD CRANIUM

So far, students are taking the new change well.

“I have actually always wanted to park on Rosehill. It’s such a busy street that I feel priveleged to have a part of it,” student Road Runner said.

Students have also expressed interest in the exercise they will get from the long walk to classes.

“We thought about giving students a shuttle to take them to and from their cars.

But then we thought - nah,” Meramec Police Chief Anthony Russo said.

The last option students have is to purchase a parking tag for $100. However, administration said they know college kids do not have that money, so the joke is on them.

A4

APRIL FOOLS

Montage Editor-in Chief trashes newsroom, quits Production of student newspaper halted after too many missed deadines SPRINKLE GLISTEN STAFF DANCER Editor in Chief Spencer Gleason has put an exclamation mark on his term of editorship for “The Montage.” He is quitting.

After repeated missed deadlines and continually rewriting stories, while producing the STLCC-Meramec student newspaper, Gleason said he never wanted to work for the student publication again.

The decision is effective immediately.

“I’ve had it. I’m done,” Gleason said.

Gleason, who has served as an editor since the Bush administration was in the White House (the second Bush), ripped old issues to shreds.

He then preceeded to walk out of the newsroom, leaving the pile of torn paper on the floor.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do,” Montage Advisor Shannon Philpott said. “The dude has been here for more than a decade.”

Missed deadlines began being an issue for “The Montage” last fall. Before this school term, Gleason said staffers were “excited” to see their name published.

“There’s no passion in what they do,” Gleason said. “Not everybody goes into journalism. I understand that. But there’s not a job out there where deadlines don’t matter. And they need to be met.”

Gleason began rattling off deadlines for different jobs.

“Servers bring their customer’s food out in a timely manner. Boom. Deadline,” Gleason said. “Business jobs, doctors.

They all have different deadlines to meet.

And you learn how important deadlines are in the real world while on staff here.”

Following Gleason quitting, production for “The Montage” has come to an abrupt halt.

There is no timetable for the student newspaper to continue.

“He was here for so long, nobody

knows how to do his job,” Philpott said. “All we have are various pictures, illustrations and graphics. But no story.”

Since nobody did their job right, “The Montage” students on staff said the newspaper may opt to become a picture book.

“Nobody reads unless it’s in 140 characters or less, anyways,” first year student Montae’ Geditor said. “We just like to look at the visuals.”

In Gleason’s absence, Philpott is left to pick up the pieces. Not only of the staff but the papers Gleason threw on the floor.

Janitors were called to help clean up, but they refused when they saw the mess he had caused.

“I don’t even care. I don’t. Sorry ‘bout the mess, but that’s a personification of what’s in my heart,” the former Editor in Chief said.

The Montage is now accepting applications for the Fall 2015 semester, and its future looks grim. The staff fears the publication will totally fall apart without their fearless leader.

“I’m going to miss him. He’s so awesome,” staff writer Kee Bored said.

Gleason said he wishes the staff the best, but plans on spending his summer in California, frolicking through the streets of Los Angeles. He said he would rather skip than be in charge of these people anymore.

Upon leaving, Gleason chucked the deuces up to the newsroom as flames burst behind him. AC/DC blared as he threw on his sunglasses and jumped into his Rolls Royce.

“Bye bye,” Gleason said.

And right he was. His future is bright and clear. As for The Montage, they are probably going to be in quite the pickle for a hot second or two.

PHOTO BY NOTBEGGIN’ HIMTOSTAY “Calm and collected” editor Spencer Gleason loses it when staff does not turn in stories on time.

Revving up: Students start their engines on Rose Hill Ave. for street cred DANGER HANGER STAFF MECHANIC St. Louis Community College (STLCC)- Meramec Campus will be offering a Street Racing class as a Physical Education credit to any and all students.

Meramec faculty and staff came together to gather ideas for classes in which students will enjoy.

Campus police will close off Rose Hill Avenue and Couch Avenue which are on the north and west sides of the Meramec Campus. This class will only be offered on Friday nights and will be held at 9 p.m. Cars will be provided and students will have the option of racing a select few American muscle or select few import cars from Japan.

According to safety expert Chev Rolet, who was hired by STLCC only having a few select cars, which have not only the best in racing equipment but have good performance ratings, will be selected from the two select categories.

“The Street Racing class will select cars from two categories, American Muscle and Imports from Japans,” Chev Rolet said. “In America, there are people who tend to like muscle cars but others like cars from Japan.

Any car that is selected will go through a sever inspection to make sure students will be safe.”

In order to take the Street Racing class, there is a required deposit of $1,500 and students will need to supply updated insurance. There was talk about if this class should have an age requirement and after careful thought, STLCC administration will make this a class for any students 21 and over.

STLCC administration have been spending time going through applications for instructors who could possibly teach this class. After careful consideration, STLCC has hired Shelby “GT” Mustang and Christian Dodge as instructors. Both have a combined 43 years of racing experience.

“Having us as instructors is one the best things STLCC could do,” Dodge said. “We both have been racing since we were young and are the best at what we do. Even though we both are extremely competitive with each other, we give each other credit on accomplishments.”

There will be 26 students allowed into the Street Racing class and has sparked interest by students.

According to students, the Street Racing class has gotten them interested in going back to school.

“I can’t believe Meramec is having a

PHOTO BY 404 NOTFOUND Students are now able to race their cars along Rose Hill Ave. for class credit.

Street Racing class. I wasn’t planning on coming back to school for classes but after hearing about this class, I wanted to do it,” Meramec student Mia Toretto said. “My

family members from my grandpa to my brother have been racers. I’ve always wanted to start racing and this would be a great time to get into the family business.”