April Fools' Issue of The Montage

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STLCC halts updates, loses password KEVIN MISSOURI EDITOR OF DOOM This month STLCC decided to “freeze-frame” the college’s website, making it a landmark in time for future students to look back on.

Founder of the freeze-frame movement, Incom Petant, said the mission is to make sure the website never changes and remains a glorious “web mark” to future students.

“We feel as if the website has gone as far as it can go and that the next logical step is to freeze-frame it in time,” Petant said. “Honestly we could go through the trouble of the ‘I forgot my password’ option but who wants to deal with that mess?”

Petant said he is confident the freezeframe will heighten site traffic in ten to fifteen years time.

“Although the 50-year anniversary for STLCC is over, we feel that people will be able to look back on this website in 50 years and say ‘wow, what a cool design,” Petant said. “We’re really looking forward to the site traffic from this freeze-frame in time 10 to 15 years from now.”

STLCC plans to launch a new website in late May that will feature a carbon copy of the old website, but with a new website URL and a link to the old website.

Petant added that the URL change was minor but a necessity.

“There will be a few minor changes to the new website, the most noticeable will be the change from http://.stlcc.edu to http://.stlcc1.edu,” Petant said. “It’s a small change and a little inconvenient but as you can guess the original URL was already taken.”

Meramec student Mo Ron said he is excited about the website’=s freezeframe and believes that the site is a real monument to web design.

After losing the site’s password, STLCC has decided to chalk this one up to a loss and declare the website a relic in time as a delayed 50 year anniversary celebration.

The site will be viewed as a “moment in time for future students” after a decision to halt all updates to the site.

“I’m very excited about the website’s freeze-frame. Honestly, of all the events in STLCC’s history this one stands out the most to me,” Ron said. “I can see future students looking back at this website and saying to themselves ‘wow, this was a relatively easy way for students

to find basic information on their campuses.’ That’s what I like about the website, nothing really specific just a lot of general facts about a broad subject.”

Petant said that although the site will undergo minor changes, the sites directory will not be changed because of

its “general perfection.”

“We plan on keeping the directory the same,” Petant said. “There is nothing wrong with the directory on the site, it works perfectly and provides up-to-date contact information. Nothing is wrong with the directory. Absolutely nothing.”

Campus goes LINUX, will not go back THE DELOREAN TIME TRAVELER With better security, greater adaptability, faster server speeds, and being 100 percent free, it is easy to see why STLCC-Meramec has decided to completely rehaul the school’s computers with UNIX and Linux operating systems.

Students can wave goodbye to the restrictive and smothering atmosphere of Windows and MacOS and ready themselves for the glorious freedom that can be found in UNIX operating systems.

“With Windows 8 out and a new MacOS on the way, the tight wallets in the finance department cannot justify the massive costs of updating the computers.” said Cornelius Powrell, Ph.D.. “Yet we also

cannot justify being stuck in the past. We must ensure that our students remain on the forefront of the technological wave.”

Thusly the powers that be have unanimously decided to transition over to the buffet of choices presented by UNIX operating systems. Professor Cornelius confirmed that all major flavors of Linux and UNIX would be available.

“Quantal Quetzal (the current Ubuntu release), will be there for the people afraid to expand their horizons or people used to Macs, ” said Master Cornelius, “There is also Nadia (Linux Mint), for those who are unwilling to cast off the chains of a Window’s style graphical user interface.”

But students with a passion for adventure and for those who share with the Glorious Leader’s vision for a brighter future Meramec on the bleeding edge of technology, Lord Powrell recommends Fedora.

“Spherical cow (Fedora) is so bleeding edge, it can use software not even made yet,” Powrell said.

Some have raised complaints about the change, and our Gracious Sovereign has responded with confidence in the student’s ability to adapt.

“We are the future. While others are being held back by their desires for conformity or flashiness, we will forge

ahead into the New World!” Commander Cornelius said.

To support the mentality of freedom and equality, root access is granted to all users on the system. This will promote a spirit of comradeship amongst the ranks, sharing information freely with all.

“There will no longer be the oppressive system in which the libraries and teachers lord their administrative rights over the working students. No! Who is it that supports the school, is it not the student? Why should they be subjected to the whims of these appointed ‘admins?’” cried Supreme Dictator Cornelius said.

“Workers of the world, UNIX!”

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APRIL FOOLS

He shoots, he scores Dennis Rodman visits North Korea CORY 2 WEARER OF HATS What is Kim Jong-un’s next crazy idea? Gay Marriage! Through a couple government loop-holes, Jong-un has passed a law in North Korea to allow a man to wed another man — as long as these men are a dictator and an ex basketball star. And that star is of course, Dennis Rodman.

In February, Rodman visited North Korea and took the dictator on “secret” dates. One such date was to the theatre to see “Zero Dark Thirty” in which Jong-un was quoted as saying, “I really love the heroism of Obama and his stance against terrorism!” Jong-un even received a peck on the cheek along with butterflies in his stomach — which he promptly threatened to nuke.

Jong-un has recently said to the North Korean press that he will eradicate the cease-fire against its sworn enemy: South Korea. But in reality, Jong-un meant he would invade the south with news of his new marriage. He wishes to marry on top of a mountain near Seoul, and has requested that the president of South Korea accept his humble request.

The American people have taken notice of the new relationship and have

Too much parking College wastes a lot of space SLOPPY JOE TITAN OF JOURNALISM At 9 a.m. on Mondays, what do I see at Meramec: an ocean of parking. Free spots practically right at the threshold of classesjust there for the taking. Even at so called “peak hours” the parking lot barely looks one fifth full. With the evenly distributed class schedule implemented in 2010’s Smart Parking Management, peaks are hardly distinguishable from the off peak hours.

Imagine a different world; one in which the parking lot was congested and people took classes based on their high school schedule. What a terrible place that would be! People would walk in the cold of winter and heat of summer from far away, just because of parking! I hear cries of “humans deserve better!” and I completely agree.

Thankfully, STLCC-Meramec does not exist in that world. Meramec learned from University of Missouri at St. Louis and implemented their solutions; spreading classes out to lessen the congestion, staggering classes to open spots as earlier classes leave, provide public transit passes to students to reduce crowding cars.

Because of these steps, Meramec now has the opposite problem; too much parking.

Hopefully, the open spots can be utilized as student appreciation venue;a jazz concert hall is my favorite idea. It would be a fitting place to showcase the world renowned jazz talents living in Kirkwood.

joined sides with mainstream media boycotting Rodman’s basketball career — even though he quit years ago.

But Americans will not settle for just boycotting, they want justice! A team of lobbyist formed to put an end to Rodman’s career and passport privileges, but were too busy with their sitcoms, and stuffing their mouths with mayonnaise balls and discussing politics they know nothing about.

“I only want to do what’s right. And I know love is the way, whether it be with your girlfriend of ten years or an insane, murdering, lunatic North Korean dictator with a fetish for bombs; love is love,” Rodman said at a press conference in New York.

Rodman will be flying out to see Jongun in one month for the ceremony. There will be flowers, soldiers, nuclear tests and many threats made to the U.S. “I just really hope I’m invited! I just need to call him,” President Obama said.

I do not know about anyone else, but I can already hear the wedding bells ring! Or is that the nuclear bomb alarm?

I believe it is the same thing in North Korea.

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“the montage”

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Guliver to leave STLCC STEPHEN SPIELBERG STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER At the last board of trustees meeting, held earlier this month, it was unanimously voted to remove the Gulliver statue from the STLCC-Meramec campus.

The decision came after a short discussion with the student representatives from the Student Government Association from Meramec. During the discussion it was discovered that most students on campus find the statue offensive to little people as well as extremely tall people.

Many students, both past and present, are up in arms about this decision.

Norman Matthew, a former student was on hand at the meeting and was upset at the decision. When asked, Matthew said, “I am upset and saddened by this decision.

I met my current girlfriend by the statue and it holds a lot of sentimental memories for us.”

Matthew is trying to get a court injunction to stop the college from removing the statue on the basis of it can be used as a learning tool.

There are just as many on the other side of the argument. Current student, Shelly Schaper, responded to the decision with elated happiness. She was heard to say, “I am so happy to see the statue go.

I do not like it. I have never liked it. It is offensive to all people short and tall. I will be here to watch as it is removed and leaves the Meramec campus.”

The Art Department has the following comment, “As sorry as we are to see the

great work of art leave our campus, we are just as excited to see the board of trustees vote to exhibit student work and plan to permanently display one of them. It is always sad to see change, but at a learning institution it is exciting to see student’s efforts rewarded.”

At this point, Gulliver and the little Lilliputian have no comment. St. Louis County Parks have gratefully and happily accepted the Gulliver Statue as a gift from STLCC. Gulliver will be moved to Laumeier Sculpture Park located on Rott Road just a few miles from the Meramec Campus. The exact date for the placement and opening of Gulliver at Laumeier is unknown at this time. The Park director has promised to let us know as soon as possible when the date is known.

At this time there is no decision as to what will be permanently placed in the soon to be empty space. One thought was to have student work displayed there on a revolving status. This means that every month a different student’s work will be on display. At the end of the year, the board of trustees will sponsor a contest in which the student body will vote for their favorite student work to be permanently placed in the student center quad.

There will be more information revealed about this contest as it is decided by the board. We can tell you that the contest will be held over the internet. The web address has not been released.

PHOTO BY: CHOCOLATEY DRIZZLE

‘He’s nothing but a smooth criminal’

Student Rey Diculous musically stalks his prey, police react KEVIN MISSOURI EDITOR OF DOOM On a sunny Spring day, Rey Diculous sits in the STLCC-Meramec quad. He strums his guitar as people walk to classes. As each passerby puts their ear buds in and walks quickly to get away from the noise Diculous’ smile grows wider.

Diculous said he believes his music is changing lives.

“I just really feel like I’m changing lives out here,” Diculous said. “Anyone who walks by while I’m playing ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis is going to have a epiphany about their entire life.”

Diculous denies that anyone would ever complain about his music. He added that if they do not like the music they have bad taste.

“Oh everyone loves my music, I have a divine voice and honestly it would surprise me if anyone complains about my music,” Diculous said.

While most musicians around campus keep to themselves and play at a decent volume, Diculous has been seen chasing students from class to class, singing at the top of his lungs in the library and crowd diving in the student center.

Meramec Campus Police Officer N. Forcer said he has been alerted to several situations involving Diculous and assures students that the student is under control.

“We’ve had a lot of complaints about Rey. Often the complaints come in on warmer days, he isn’t afraid to be mobile on days like those,” Forcer said. “He has followed female students from class to class playing that ‘Jumper’ song by that one band. Really weird stuff.”

Dee Lerious, a Meramec student, said she has been the victim of Diculous’ antics several times.

PHOTO BY: ALEX KENDALL Meramec student Rey Diculous plays his guitar under full moon, waiting for his next chance to stalk his prety. Diculous has been a student at Meramec for over 4 years.

“I’ve considered contacting the Behavioral Intervention Team, but he usually leaves me when I get to my class. His rendition of that one Green Day song ‘Time of Your Life’ isn’t too bad,” Lerious said. “I don’t know he’s kind cute in a serial killer type of way.”

Diculous said he does not understand why people are so upset with his music.

“I don’t see what the problem is. I’m just trying to charm some women with the three songs I’ve learned to completion. I’m working on some more Oasis songs right now but honestly I only know three or four chords so it’s difficult,” Diculous said. “I think I might major in music or something. I mean I’m not getting a ton of babes but I feel like musicians as a whole get girls after a

longer period of time.”

Forcer said the Campus Police force is currently working with students, faculty and staff to unleash Meramec from the grip of Diculous.

“We can’t do anything until he strikes, so right now we’re just keeping an eye on him,” Forcer said. “We’ve got a patrol on his normal spots and have implanted a mole.”

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Ghosts in the outfield

Meramec field haunted by the undead

GRETCH DRESSING SLAYER ON COMMA SPLICES STLCC-Meramec’s longest kept secret has finally been discovered by its student population. Last year, the Archer’s baseball team began playing home games at Heine Meine baseball field, which is located 13 miles from Meramec. It was believed the location switch was due to a sunken drain which left the Meramec field in disrepair and unsafe to use. However, new information has been discovered that explains the motivation for the field change.

Two months ago Meramec student Ray Kinsella, who lives in Kirkwood, witnessed unusual activity on the baseball on his way

home from campus.

“Lately, I have been staying on campus later and later because I’ve had internet connection issues at home. So, around the beginning of the semester I was walking home at 10 p.m. and it was dark,” Kinsella said. “I was passing the baseball field when I got a strange feeling, so I booked it out of there. But I just thought it was some weird feeling; not a big deal or anything.”

Kinsella said two weeks went by before he walked by the field; again it was 10 p.m.

“I hadn’t gone by the field in a while, not because I was scared, but because I had

been driving to class. When I went by this time I got the same strange feeling, but I started to hear whistling too,” Kinsella said. “That really freaked me out. I swear someone grabbed my arm.”

President George Wasson and Police Chief Paul Banta could not be reached for comment, but maintenance staffer Crash Davis said he could not keep quiet any longer.

“It’s just getting out of hand. Bizarre things are going on all the time, and frankly I’m scared to go over there,” Davis said.

“I think it’s time for the campus to take some action. Someone could get hurt. I definitely won’t go over there when it gets dark.”

Problems on the field have surpassed the simple yet unsettling feelings and phantom sounds. Allegedly disturbances occur regularly during baseball practice, which often stall hitting and fielding drills.

Archer player Ricky Vaughn said these issues have lowered team moral.

“We will be in the middle of practice and all the sudden gloves and bats are missing. We have to break practice to search for the equipment, and somehow they’re over on the softball field,” Vaughn said. “A few players have even been injured.”

At the introduction of this season two Archer players sustained wrist sprains during practice. Assistant baseball coach Jimmy Dugan said sprains are common

injuries and each player is making a swift recovery.

“I know there are a lot of rumors going around about how these guys were hurt, but it’s all pretty ridiculous. This isn’t ‘Field of Dreams’ and we don’t have any ghosts coming out of the cornfield,” Dugan said.

“No one from the school will tell you any different, and if they are, they shouldn’t be.”

The injured players, Roy Hobbs and Morris Buttermaker, have missed the last three games. It is unclear when Hobbs, who sustained a grade two sprain, will be able to resume play.

“I’m angry. All I have ever wanted to do is play, and now I’m sitting on the disabled list and no one is talking about what really happened,” Hobbs said. “I was in the outfield totally alone, and I was pushed. It’s like The Beast all over again, except I can’t see a ghost coming at me. And this stuff has been going on for a year already.”

Hobbs parents are considering suing the school for the physical and emotional damage he has suffered, and Buttermaker is considering quitting the team all together.

“I know there’s supposed to be no crying in baseball, but every time I’m on that field I have the fear of Joe Jackson in me,” Buttermaker said. “I wish it was more like ‘Angels in the Outfield’ and less like ‘Poltergeist.’”