The Muir Quarterly Volume 29 Issue 1

Student Shocked to Discover Pete Davidson is Now Dating Her Mother

BY JAMES WOOLLEY Graphics Editor

UCSD student Madison Dong was “shocked, and honestly kind of grossed out” after finding Pete Davidson smoking a cigarette in her kitchen after what the fa mous comedian described as a “wild bout of coitus” with Madison’s mother, Jennifer. It was revealed at a family din ner later that evening that Davidson started dating Jen nifer several weeks earlier, af ter meeting in line at the local CVS, where he was buying 12 cases of Smartwater.

To prove the seriousness of their relationship, David son has since had the name “Jennifer” tattooed across his right collarbone, next to a portrait of Ruth Bader Gins burg wearing a crown, and the Dong family name done across his lower stomach, be

low his Shaolin tattoo. When asked about the placement, Davidson explained: “Jennif er’s a queen, RBG was a queen, Shaolin temple is Chinese, Dong is Chinese; I’m very par ticular about the placement of my tattoos, and I think that these new additions really complete the theme.” It was later revealed that he already has plans to add Madison’s name to his growing list. “I’ve been vocal about being taken more seriously in the media, and what’s more serious than getting a name inked across your neck?” Davidson asked.

Madison is less thrilled about the arrangement, and said, “I’ve been trying to avoid news about him for ages, and now he lives with me. I’m pretty sure Buzzfeed dressed an intern in school clothes and had them tail me onto the bus.” Madison expressed further frustra

tion with the onslaught of media attention, addressing recent ominous tweets made by Kanye West, including a string of future dates fol lowed by the words “DEATH DOOM DESPAIR.”

“Seriously, why is this guy so interesting to the public? All he does is fuck my mom and cry after comedy shows. He keeps trying to do ‘nor mal dad-type shit’ which draws paparazzi like flies. Why does Vogue care about how terrible I am at catch? Last week, someone asked me if I dropped that baseball because I ‘lack a traditionally masculine father figure.’ It’s not his fault I was born with limp wrists.”

Since his relationship with Jennifer began, Davidson has been very open about his love life. During an interview with late-night host Jimmy Fall down, he explained in jarring

and occasionally unairable detail the particulars of their relationship. “Since dating Kim [Kardashian], I’ve really begun to appreciate the wis dom and experience of older women. She was only 13 years my senior, and still taught me so much. Jennifer is 27 years older, and truly, I’ve never felt such mental clarity.”

Describing the perks of living with such a celebrity, Madison said, “I guess the free tickets are nice. My friends and I like to go laugh at him on Sat urday nights. I also get to hide in the bunker when their bed room gets too loud. Pete had it built to withstand the force of 10,000 Yeezys, and the Donda album playing on full blast.”

Without a doubt, the Dongs’ relationship with Davidson has changed their lives, and the media watches eagerly to see what the star will do next.

MINOTAUR DISCOVERED IN UCSD TUNNELS

SCARECROWS USED TO ALLEVIATE TEACHER SHORTAGE

HOW TO SUCCEED IN COLLEGE

THE MQ’S GUIDE TO THE ROYAL FAMILY SHEIN STARTS SELLING CLOTHING MADE OF ANTIMATTER

NEWS IN BRIEF

NEW STUDENTS INCORRECTLY PRONOUNCING RIMAC

This fall, many first-year students have been found pronouncing RIMAC as “lion tree.” This is a notable departure from previous years, where most students that pronounced it incor rectly said it as “RYE-mack,” rather than “REE-mack.”

One student remarked, “It’s amazing the vocal change that five million additional dollars in Khosla’s wallet can bring.”

Older students have vowed to not succumb to the change in pronuncia tion. One fourth-year said, “Ever since the arena’s inau gural speech by former First Lady Hillary Clinton, it has always been the Recreation, Intramural, and Athletic Complex. I think it’s pretty simple, actually. Why is this so confusing for the new comers?” His questioning

continued, “Why aren’t they struggling as much with the RIMAC Annex?”

Rimac Automobili, a subsidiary of Bugatti Rimac, also expressed disappoint ment at the mispronun ciation. “This name was a small but important driver of traffic to our website. This loss will be devastating.” They soon realized that the change was hardly affecting them at all, as most UCSD students are not purchasing hypercars.

A second-year noted, “It’s not the only poorly named thing on campus. There are actually girls in Geisel. And for some reason there aren’t many families that want to go to the Epstein Family Amphi theater. I wonder what the university will come up with next.”

SEAWORLD FILES DEFAMATION SUIT

AGAINST DISNEY

This month, Disney fans of all ages flooded the seats of their local living rooms to turn on Disney+ for the liveaction Pinocchio. However, the staff of San Diego’s Sea World was less enthused, and took legal action to “blow a hole” in Disney’s demonization of animals.

SeaWorld’s onsite di rector Dr. Maureen Boljee revealed in her lawsuit how Disney didn’t detail how their 40-year-old sperm whale William would be portrayed in their new film. “We thought it was gonna be a Free Willy re make or something,” said Dr. Boljee, “but they staged poor William to be some kind of monster! He’d nev er harm a soul, let alone

eat a geriatric pervert and his wooden child.”

On Twitter, avid Sea World attendees have been extremely vocal in their thoughts on the live-action version. @freedwilly tweeted, “Including Monstro in the remake completely misin terprets the majesty of ce taceans. I thought we left that barbarity in the forties.”

@whalecommasperm quote tweeted this, saying, “Don’t forget that William is a PRINCE among whales, the CGI work really did him dirty.”

As he was unable to at tend the court proceed ings, William submitted his waiver of presence in song form. The plea was “majes tic,” but the judge deemed it inadmissible.

BY CHRIS CHOUNG & FARHAD TARAPOREVALA Staff Writer & Design Dragon

In his new book, Un known Variables , theo retical physicist Dr. Jamie Close explains how the San Francisco Giants could still compete for the wildcard spot for the World Series, despite being 10 games back, having only 18 more games to play, and having a 52% loss rate this sea son. “Statistics don’t tell the whole story,” said Dr. Close. “For instance, even though our — I mean, their — catcher position has little depth — in other words, we have few backup catchers — that’s not

a disaster. When Joey Bart gets injured or is taken off for a night because catch ing is a physically gruel ing job, that’s okay.” Dr. Close gestured to the third chapter of his book, Quan tum Optimism . Dr. Close concluded, “The Padres haven’t been keeping up their winning streak re cently. You never know. It’s not impossible. Until then, I’ll be in a state of both eating my words and righ teously yelling ‘Ha!’”

“I’m a very spontaneous person.”

—Vladimir Putin, President of Russia

Last Thursday, MercedesBenz announced a new subscription service that will be featured in all of their new vehicles start

ing in the second quarter of 2023. Carson Axlerod, CEO of Mercedes-Benz, said, “BMW beat us to market with their subscriptions, but we know we can achieve a more luxu rious service. We fully expect our customers will enjoy purchasing these features

repeatedly in this economy.”

Axlerod continued, “We have had a breakthrough in brake technology, and have made it possible to turn brakes on and off from our headquar ters in Stuttgart. We will now be offering brakes for the low price of $35.95 per month.”

The announcement ig nited discussion in the car community, with car enthu siasts divided into two main camps: those who found the new feature an innovation,

“He

didn’t get one of my name,” said Jennifer Dong.

PHOTO BY JAMES WOOLLEY

“And

subscription,” said Shapoor Laliwalla.

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

Amidst Recession Fears, U.S. Federal Reserve Adopts New Monetary Policy of “Get Your Money Up”

and those who found it a travesty. “I’m so ecstatic I can finally save money with this new innovative fea ture,” said billionaire Emer ald Cash. “Now I don’t have to worry about paying for the brakes on all 20 of my cars every month, but can pick and choose when I feel like telling my chauffeur to enable the brakes on each of my cars.”

Despite the support for Mercedes’ newest announce ment, some owners felt the idea was a waste of money and that brakes were a service that was important to be pro vided in a car. Many of those in disagreement with the company’s movement had very similar stories of their experience. “Yeah, when I first got my car, I thought I was going to have a brake ready to go,” said Shapoor Laliwalla. “Unfortunately, when I finally drove my car off of the lot, I encountered a red light. I tried to stop, but I just kept going, right into a police car. I almost died, since everything but the brakes blew up in the crash. At least MercedesBenz’ brake materials are durable, but I’m definitely going to have to go back to the store to figure out that

brake situation once the rest of the car gets fixed. And to the DMV, to sort out this ticket. Frankly, I’m not sure which is worse.”

Although most car own ers chose to pay for their brake subscription, some owners decided their money was better spent in other ways. “Why would I need brakes?” asked physicist Da vid Bob Deureg. “Whenever I need to stop, I just throw my parachute out of the window, and ten to twelve minutes later, I’ve safely stopped my car. If I don’t have my handy-dandy para chute with me, I’ll simply somersault my way out and pray for the best! With my eyes closed, obviously.”

After news of Deureg’s innovation spread, para chute sales shot through the roof, as well as the popularity of his somer sault classes every Tuesday night. “Now that brakes are no longer required, we have saved so much money eve ry month,” said one father, Lucas Vater. “Even though little Suzy failed the last somersault, and we had to spend a lot on her funeral and cremation, at least we don’t have to pay for her funeral every month.”

BY JACOB KING Managing Editor

After two quarters of nega tive economic growth and high inflation, many Americans are worried about the possibility of a recession. In response, the Biden admin istration chose to acknowledge the downturn, but refused to label it a recession. In line with this decision, Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve, believes that getting the econo my back on track means Amer icans “have to hustle harder.”

“We don’t believe that America has an economic problem, we believe that America has a mindset prob lem,” said Powell. “People don’t want to work. They don’t want to grind. There are no other external factors relating to this downturn. We believe that if every Ameri can picked up just a few

more hours at their job or just dipped into their savings a bit to spend some more money, the GDP would keep looking very nice. And may be they wouldn’t even lose their house or job, I guess.”

In accord with this new pol icy, the Biden administration has launched the “Bootstrap Initiative,” a campaign aimed at helping the average Ameri can make it through these times. One of POTUS’s recom mendations is to get a side hustle. “Even if you’re already working two jobs, there is al ways time for a side hustle,” the infographic reads. “Like getting into sports betting or day trad ing stocks on your phone dur ing your lunch break.”

As part of the campaign’s outreach, many “grindset” Tik Tok creators were invited to an event at the White House. One of these creators, “Macho Real

Man Alpha Dog Gilbert” gave a speech. “I’m so glad the world is finally listening to what I’ve been saying for so long,” said Gilbert. “Anybody can be suc cessful, all it takes is a lot of hard work. All I had when I stated was motivation, a good mindset, and $50,000 from my parents to pay for my lifestyle while this influencer shit was making me like zero money.”

The administration’s campaign gained popularity amongst some of the popu lation. “I actually love infla tion,” said Stan Gerdanger, trying to resell McDonald’s chicken nuggets to kids at the playground. “A 9.1% infla tion rate means I only need to hustle 9.1% harder.”

“The ‘Bootstrap Initia tive’ has done wonders for me and my family,” said La Jolla resident Terry Red mond. “It really opened my

eyes to all the opportunities to make money in this coun try. I found a great side gig that lets me make my own hours and be my own boss. Hey, how are you doing for cash right now? Can I inter est you in signing up under me? All it takes is like $2,000 to buy the initial product, but soon you’ll be making so much more. These babies really just fly off the shelf.”

The policy is also quite popular with corporations. “I’ve never been more happy with the government’s re sponse to a recession,” said Kellogg’s CEO, Billy Corn. “I’m raising prices, firing people, and all they’re doing is work ing harder. My bank account has never been better. I think this policy has shown us who the government is truly look ing out for — the huge corpo rations in need.”

TOP TEN Things Our Parents Have Turned Our Childhood Bedrooms Into

Dad’s new bedroom

A gorgonzola room

An indoor swimming pool

They coated everything with a layer of resin so that nothing would change

A model of the house, including our room, which has a smaller model house

A wax museum complete with a wax statue of ourselves

A shrine to our older sibling

A walk-in dishwasher

A casino

A parking lot

Editorial Board

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

I’ve been blessed with visions. People enjoying the paper, Madeline judging my low word-perminute ratio, me imagining that Madeline is judging my low word-per-minute ratio. I guess I don’t know what to believe anymore. But I do know that the MQ is the most incredible or ganization west of the Mississippi. We’ve all grinded really hard to make this newspaper, and I’m so thankful for everyone who contributed. Even if I wasn’t making a gripping paper with you all, I wanted to say, in another life, I would have really liked building historically accurate LEGO sets and breaking walls with you.

I’ve been cursed with visions. A wormhole opens in front of me every night and shows me what the future holds. I do not know what these visions mean, but I can’t ignore the implications. I’ve seen statues of Tag, James, Julia, Kaz, Jerry, Andrew, Madeline, Farhad, Sharon, and Jacob standing in a great hall. I do not know what they did to deserve this honor, but I must assume it is grand. I send preemptive thanks to the great people of the future.

— Sharon Roth

“I want you to grind really hard,” said Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

Minotaur Discovered in UCSD Tunnels

BY CONNOR BETTERLY Copy Commander

It is common knowledge among UC San Diego stu dents that there are tun nels underneath the cam pus. In reality, these tunnels are often described as “un derwhelming” and “not all that exciting,” as their primary goal is to serve utilities to the far reaches of campus from the Cen tral Campus Utility Plant. Nevertheless, students have been known to enter the tunnels throughout the uni versity’s history fully aware of the potential hazards this network poses and severe consequences if caught purely “for the hell of it.”

But earlier this week, al most all such trespassing came to a halt after the plant manager, Dan Riorrick, made an announcement that con

firmed the placement of a beast in the tunnels. “With this many students trespass ing in our tunnels, we needed to add some even more seri ous consequences as a de terrent. And it was getting a bit crowded on this campus anyway,” said Riorrick. “So I imported this guy right over from the island of Crete. He is a bit problematic when we have to do maintenance on the pipes down there, but it is a small price to pay for the increased security he brings. Half man, half bull, and known as the minotaur, he’s sure to keep any would-be trespassers out.”

One student, on condi tion of anonymity, confided that they had personally confronted the minotaur but managed to escape. “I mean, it was like a labyrinth down there,” said the student. “So when I went in, I started lay

ing out breadcrumbs to be able to find my way back.

I mean, thread! Not bread crumbs. Breadcrumbs was when I was in that dark forest — of eucalyptus.” The stu dent paused. “Where was I? Oh yeah, this guy was wack. He just started charging at me, but I read The Lightning Thief in elementary school, so I knew what to do. I just sidestepped his charge and got out of there.“

As fears mounted that the minotaur would escape and terrorize the campus, a plan was enacted: every nine quarters, one young man and one maiden from each of the seven colleges would be sent in to appease the beast. Lots were drawn, and onwards they were sent. One literature student observed, “This real ly is a modern Greek tragedy: hamartia leads to peripeteia, which will lead to anagnori

Map of Campus

sis in turn. How ironic that students are now to be ush ered into the tunnels that this beast was introduced to deter them from.”

On the third round of col lecting such students, one brave Muiron known as Jer seus Packson volunteered to go, stating that this was “not [his] first rodeo” and that he had studied “at Lounge Half-Dome.” Indeed it was not, and he was able to not only mount the minotaur successfully, but ride it out of the labyrinth and onto the Sun God lawn, where it was sacrificed. King Triton complained that he was “a little hurt” and that this was “a Greek debacle that Sunny should stay out of.” But in any case, the tunnels are now back as before: locked up to all but maintenance person nel, and waiting for any who dare push their luck.

EDITORIAL Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones

BY KEN BONE Bone Enjoyer

Don’t trust Big Bone! All they want is to preserve their calcium cartel. Trust me on this one: breaking your bones is good for you. Who doesn’t want more bones? My doctor tells me some non sense about my bones “fus ing” and “puberty.” That’s all bullshit. I had so many bones as a kid, but now I have way fewer. The only explanation is that someone did something to me. The current working hypothesis of the Bone & Or gan Natural Endowment for Research is that Big Milk lob bied the Eisenhower adminis tration to decrease the amount of calcium in milk. Kennedy discovered this and planned to reverse course, but the milk in dustry allied with Fidel Castro to assassinate him.

You might still be skepti cal, but I assure you that all available scientific evidence supports us. Our educational department has published several papers that are stuck in review thanks to the meddling influence of Big Bovine. But let’s review the evidence. First ly, children are born with about 300 bones. However, adult skel etons typically have 206 bones. Where did the extra 94 bones go? Fusing? Sure, as if there’s a natural process through which your bones slowly but surely join together by replacing the cartilage that connected them. Complete nonsense. This pa per-thin logic just goes to show that doctors want people to have fewer bones so they have to work less and have more time to play gacha games.

Most importantly, hav ing more bones is better for you. Who doesn’t love bones? They keep you from turning into a horrific mass of flesh and organs. Also, bones are kinda like strength if you think about it, so hav ing more bones makes you stronger. On top of that, who likes the number 206? 206 has no pizzazz, no flare! Look at 300. All the zeroes. A bigger number, too. Three times 10 times 10. No one even knows how to divide 206. 300 is way cooler. Great movie too. Zack Snyder made an awesome flick. Absolutely no subtext to that movie. Just handsome, buff, manly men murdering thousands of effeminate foreigners.

The consequences of boneless living are every where. Men are no longer men. Women are no longer women. I yearn for the days when a woman would present her rib bone as a lovely of fering of marriage to a strap ping young man. This is why women have one rib fewer than men, so that when they get married they can even out their ribcage. As a very tradi tional man myself, this has been a major obstacle to my endeavors with the female sex.

But let’s get down to busi ness. Where should you start to get back all your bones? We at the Bone & Organ Natural Endowment for Research en dorse several methods. Firstly, stop wearing your seatbelt. Big Milk made a dark alliance with Big Car to raise car prices and take away our bones. Real men enjoy the feeling of flying out of a windshield, and you should too. This is a simple and easy way to get your bone count up.

We also recommend small stress fractures. Try smash ing your tibia or humerus. Although perhaps painful, we think of it as a joyous act of rebellion against the es tablishment. Stop drinking milk, it only makes you lose more bones. Enjoy your new, bony life!

“There’s a minotaur in the tunnels? I call bullshit,” announced one fourth-year.

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

Scarecrows to Be Used to Alleviate Teacher Shortage

In San Diego county, like many other counties all across the nation, schools are faced with a new casu alty of the pandemic: teacher shortages. Some have de scribed the scarcity of teach ers as being due to “them darn vaccines,” “these grem lin children,” and “underpaid workers being stuck in the exhausting, perpetual cycles of capitalism.”

To meet the rising de mand for teachers, some schools have resorted to us ing scarecrows in place of teachers. When asked for his reasoning, Doug Gardenister, the superintendent for the San Diego County Board of Education and the first to em ploy this interesting method,

said, “Well, I grew up on a farm in Kansas, and the one thing I used to be scared of as a little boy was them dang scarecrows they put up in the field to keep the birds away. I figure it should keep them kids on edge enough to keep quiet and do the work pro jected on the board for ‘em. We even programmed the scarecrows to whisper ‘I can hear your thoughts,’ at ran dom moments throughout the day, just to keep them kids ill at ease. It’s like I always say, ‘The moment kids start to feel comfortable is the moment they stop learning.’”

A few students from La Jolla High School also shared their comments. Ayla, a sen ior, said, “I really do not give a flip. Teacher or no teacher, I just have to finish my college

apps and pass my classes. What do I care if the thing sit ting at the desk is Mrs. Nelson or a scarecrow? Both have a stick up their ass.”

Trevor, an incoming freshman, stated, “I hope I get a human. Also, what re ally is a scarecrow? A robot? Are our exams going to be re placed with CAPTCHA tests? All of this is very confusing. How are they going to grade our work if they don’t have working arms?”

The parents of students in districts using this new tactic are also of varying opinions.

Hunter Greene, father of two grade-school girls, said, “Back in my day, teachers used to beat us with rulers when we misbehaved. Now, students just get everlasting emotional trauma and men

tal scars from robot scare crows. It’s practically the same.” His wife stood behind him, pacing and mumbling imperceptibly about prop erty taxes and how “no one wants to work anymore.”

After two years of online, hybrid, and in-person learn ing, most parents thought education would finally re turn to normal. However, if there’s anything to be learned from the past two years, it might just be that “normal” is a constantly-changing definition. As a La Jolla High School student reflected, “You never know anymore. One day you’re studying in class like a normal student, and the next you’re pro tecting yourself from robot scarecrows that read your mind. What a world.”

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EVERETT RIRIE Ass. Content Editor

Months after the pas sage of the CHIPS and Sci ence Act, the global salsa surplus is beginning to show signs of recovery. The years-long crisis apparent ly began as a consequence of the global semiconduc tor shortage, but the ques tion of how it caused signif icant salsa overproduction has “spiced up” economic debate ever since.

“It all began when news of the ‘chip short age’ was misinterpreted,” said Johnald Kash, UCSD economics professor. “Bil lionaire and famed nacho magnate Jaquelin Schwarz attempted to capitalize on the news by buying and

shutting down tortilla chip factories across the globe to control the supply. Mean while, the semiconductor shortage hindered the crea tion of new factories to fill the hole in the market. This spicy medley of economic pressures were all the ingre dients necessary to mix up a salsa surplus.”

In an effort to resolve the salsa catastrophe, pro ducers attempted to offload excess stock by marketing salsa to a broader set of purposes. Instead of selling salsa to eat, Halen sold salsa verde to salons as a facial scrub. Aquatica replaced its Lazy River with a Río Pi cante. Hospitals began sub stituting saline with lessexpensive salsa IVs.

The extra business proved enough to keep the salsa market afloat, but salsa continued a trend of devalu ation since Schwarz’s acqui sition. “At one point, salsa was worse than worthless,” said Edward Vann, CEO of Halen International, based in Panama. “Storing it was getting pricey, so we had to start paying folks to take it off our hands. Even then, people wouldn’t take it. Who wants a thirty-gallon barrel of pico de gallo without any chips to eat it with?”

As the producer of over 50% of all salsa purchased globally, the salsa surplus hit Halen hardest. “At times I found myself asking: ‘Where have all the good times gone?’” Vann said. “But then

the CHIPS Act passed, and it was like a salsa-ruption. Now, everybody wants some.”

Not only did the CHIPS and Science Act authorize funding for US semiconduc tor fabs, it also funded new tortilla chip factories and research into new uses for salsa. New petrochemical engineering processes were developed to recycle cornbased salsas into a biofuel gasoline additive called ethanalsa. In many gas sta tions across the country, gasoline is mixed with up to 10 percent ethanalsa, simultaneously alleviating the salsa surplus and low ering gas prices. The long term effects of spicy salsa on exhaust fumes are yet to be determined.

1. Floor made of ice, because we like to skate around the apartment

2. The shower head is very low, so you’ll have to shower on your knees

3. Our Bitcoin mining rig, which serves as an ever-present radiator and fan

4. Chimney, which is actually a trash chute for the apartment above us

5. Gun, which previously belonged to Anton Chekov

contact: (408) 680-3441

“It is such an honor to be taught by someone who won the Fields Medal in computational agriculture,” commented Ayla.

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA MADELINE MOZAFARI SocPub Throne

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

Pirate Parrots Display “Matey Dance”

BY SHARON ROTH Editor-in-Chief

Dr. Perry Keates, orni thologist, has spent the last 15 years study ing parrot mating dances. Though some parrots can use their colorful plumage to attract mates, birds that display their strength and viability through elaborate performances are much more successful. However, Keates recently discovered a parrot population that behaves differently than all the other known species. Instead of mating dances, parrots raised on pirate ships perform what Keates calls a “matey dance.”

But according to Keates, there’s a large problem that is surfacing with this par ticular species. “When peo ple think of pirates, they usually assume there will

be a parrot sitting on their shoulder. But what people don’t realize is that these parrots, which I call pirate parrots, spend much of their lives without seeing other birds,” Keates wrote in a blog post. “Normally, you see a parrot start per forming a mating dance around a bird it wants to seduce. But pirate parrots will start doing these ‘matey dances’ as soon as they see any bird — not even a bird of the same species as them. Even below-average birds they see on Tinder that they have nothing in common with. It seems like a desper ate, misguided attempt at finding companionship.”

Separately, Keates wrote that she “noticed that par rots’ ‘matey dance’ became less and less effective the longer they spent cooped up on pirate ships. Birds

that spent a few weeks at sea with only a ragtag team of sailors to keep them company took days to ac climate back into bird soci ety. Birds that spent several months on a sea voyage took even longer to recon nect with other birds. And birds that stayed inside all summer eating Doordash and watching Instagram Reels of random people from high school traveling to Italy are basically unable to be resocialized.”

Keates appeared in a nature documentary called 24-Parrot Gold , where she elaborated on the impacts of the pirate’s life on a parrot’s psyche. In an interview, she said, “If a parrot went, say, a whole summer without see ing any of its parrot friends, it would be very lonely. So lonely it might forget how to be a parrot at all. Maybe

the parrot learned how to repeat words, but it was never that good of a con versationalist, and it doesn’t speak up in group settings because it feels like if it isn’t interesting or cool people won’t want to hang out with it anymore. Maybe all that parrot did was work a 9-to5 and it could barely find the energy to do something fun or productive in the evenings. Maybe the par rot hated summer vacation and really missed its par rot friends and really hated the fact that it lived so far away... Maybe the parrot longs to return to the life it knew, but the thick fog of depression has settled in, and it can’t even imagine feeling joy again.” Keates trailed off.

When asked if she was okay, Keates gleefully re plied, “No!”

Ask Emily Queue

Sports Edition

Dear Emily Queue, in this incredibly stressful and competitive world, why can’t both teams work together? That would be nice, wouldn’t it? But that’s not how the world works. From birth, there is conflict. We come into the world crying, and most spend their whole lives trying not to exit in the same way. This effort is futile. Despite our best attempts to avoid conflict, we always find it. And who’s to say that this is wrong? Who’s to say that conflict is something antithetical to human existence? Maybe that is the reason that people crave the competitiveness and the aggression of sports: it speaks to the core of what being human has always been. Everyone must pick their battles. Some simply choose them to fight them with sweat and leather instead of blood and steel.

Dear Emily Queue, should Mathletes be able to go to the Olympics?

What do you think, genius? Should a Rodin be exhibited next to a garbage can? The question isn’t whether Mathletes are able to go to the Olympics, but whether their art can be lowered to the level of a man swimming back and forth in a tepid, sweaty pool. The emotional highs and lows of the Olympics are a flat line compared to a Mathlete’s normal Tuesday. Cherish your regional Mathlete division on their terms. Stop forcing them into conventional venues just so you can convince a bookie to give you odds on them.

Dear Emily Queue, my fantasy football team doesn’t have any wizards. Will I have balance problems?

Achieving balance in the Force is impossible. Do you really think one wizard would have any impact on the global struggle between the Fellowship and the Dark Lord, between the Stormcloaks and the Imperial Army? Between good and evil itself? Fantasy football is inconsequential child’s play. Aim higher if you hope to save the world’s sole source of magic from irreversible corruption.

Dear Emily Queue, will I go to Hell if I root against the Saints?

The question is not “will I go to Hell if I root against the Saints,” it is “will I go to Hell for watching football?” And the answer to both is yes. Football has eight letters. You know what else has eight letters? Purgatory. In the Bible, Leviticus tells us that the NFL season was created by the Devil to test sinners’ willpower. You have failed that test miserably. However, of all the American football teams, the Saints are the least offensive — not just because of their name, but also because they have the cutest costumes — and therefore rooting for the Saints is the only acceptable, God-fearing way to be a football fan.

Dear Emily Queue, who do you think will win the Super Bowl?

The Cubs are going all the way this year.

Man Who Has “Never Had COVID” Discovers Devastating News About His “Allergy Flare-up”

BY ISABELLE MCKELVEY Head Content

After living through two and a half years of the COVID pandemic, 37-year-old Brian Wicker has managed to never once catch the virus. His solu tion to surviving the pan demic is to stay inside. “I hardly ever leave the house. I limit myself to one rave, nightclub, or concert every week. And whenever I bring back Tinder dates, I always wear a mask at first,” declared Brian. “In fact, I always carry a mask with me. Seriously, it never leaves my pocket. I haven’t even taken it out since the pandemic began.”

Brian’s roommate, Alex, had a different perspective. “Oh, Brian has had COVID like four times. He’s had more COVID variants than he has thoughts in his head. At times, I’ve wondered if he’s secretly a collector, try ing to catch each major vari ant at least once.”

Brian stated, “I’ve never had COVID. In fact, I hardly ever get sick!” Brian paused to cough, then continued, “In fact, my friends actually nicknamed me ‘Throat Goat’ because I never get sore throats.” However, Alex dis closed privately that Brian does “actually have a sore throat right now, like he does every month. And I don’t think he knows what that nickname means.”

BY JAMES WOOLLEY

“I haven’t gotten sick since 2019. Except every season my allergies flare up really bad, and a few days after I go out or travel, I usually feel a little under the weather. But that’s just because my body is really exhausted. I swear I’ve nev er had COVID,” said Brian. “Being inside so much has probably just made me more susceptible to my pol len allergy, that’s all.”

“Do I test?” Brian be gan, “No, no, no, I never use those COVID rapid test thingies. My buddy Adam told me they steal your DNA and give it to the govern ment to make AI clones.”

When Brian’s roommate questioned him on his test ing beliefs, Brain responded, “Okay fine, I’ll take another test for you.” After a silent 15 minutes, Brian showcased his results proudly. “See, look. Two lines. Negative. There you go,” said Brian as he blew his nose into a hand kerchief. “Wait, two lines means negative, right? Yeah it must be. I’m so negative, it’s even telling me twice.”

Brian’s allergy flare-up lasted two weeks and result ed in shortness of breath, loss of smell and taste, and a dry cough. Alex, who is now living alone in a new apart ment, said, “Brian still refus es to believe he had COVID. He’s calling it a ‘false posi tive,’ but if it’s just allergies, then Brian must be deathly allergic to coronavirus.”

“Ahoy,” chirped the parrot, who then declined to give any further comment.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

Fostering tight-knit friendships

“I finally figured out why none of his COVID tests came back positive. He takes the test tube liquid like a shot,”said Alex.

PHOTO

We Asked Two of Our Smartest Friends

Hi. My first name is Innovation. My middle name is Elizabeth. People say energy can be neither created nor destroyed, but I think you’re not trying hard enough. Take my hand. I’ll help you get into the zone.

How to Save Money While at UCSD

• Buy the bigger Dining Dollar plan so you get more Triton Cash

• Turn off your dorm air conditioning to save on your dorm electricity bill

• Cancel your subscription to your obnoxious college satire paper

• Ask TAs what their bribing prices are before choosing a section

Dining Hall Food Hacks

1. The little blue penguins at the Birch Aquarium are the same size (and flavor) as a California burrito

2. Some food does grow on trees

3. You can eat the lemon scented hand soap in the second-floor bath room at Center Hall to prevent scurvy

4. Eat the grass that is provided for free outside your dorm

My name is help you thrive step out of car without five-year-old non-heated fucking shoes What’s

1. $1,500 2. Our 3. Instant pot, 4. Dumbbells between

Friends How to Succeed in College

First

is Bitcoin and I’m so excited to thrive this semester. I’ll help you your comfort zone and into a five-year-old paint scratches or car seats. Take off your dirty shoes and put on these Louboutins. Serve.

$1,500 laptop (to pirate textbooks) professor’s catalytic converter Instant ramen, a gallon of water, and a stove Dumbbells (to work out between classes)

The Wheels of Comedy Central Are Turning

BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA Design Dragon

On Wednesday, at a joint press conference held by the FBI and DMV, the two agencies announced that there was nothing they could do about the newest threat facing the nation. The announcement followed the resignation of United States Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin after the mili tary failed to deal with the crisis. “I regret to inform the American people that noth ing we tried could stop the threat,” said Austin. “We’ve tried attacking it with spike strips, a banana peel, and even a particularly brave Marine armed with a torque wrench, but sadly, all failed.

I have no choice but to warn you to all stay inside, away from all windows, and avoid thinking funny things. Good luck to you all.”

The threat started two weeks ago, when a group of interns working at Com

edy Central had an idea for a promotional event. “We called it ‘The Wheels of Comedy Central,’” said in tern Stoclow Narthen. “We would drive around in a car, and when people tagged funny things they heard on Twitter with their location, we would road trip across the country to meet them and steal their jokes.”

The innocent idea soon took a turn for the worse, after a mishap in Iowa. “While we were fueling up, I ran into the gas sta tion to grab some snacks, and then it happened. We simultaneously got tweets from New York and Cali fornia, and the car was torn between the two di rections,” explained in tern Banana Peele. “We finally decided to try and speed up the car to make it to both locations by the end of the day. I grabbed all the energy drinks I could find, plus some

pills that said they would help with performance, and dumped them all into the gas tank. That’s when the car awoke.”

Once the car came to life, it sped towards Califor nia. “At this point, we were feeling confident, and I was happy that the performance pills were working,” said Peele. “After four hours, we noticed the unforeseen side effect of us no longer having the ability to control the car at all. The car started act ing even more erratic and violent when we reached California. By the time we reached young Timothy’s house, the wheels of Com edy Central were spinning too fast. He ran out, excit ed to meet us, but it was all over so quickly. Blood and transmission fluid painted the street, and the car had already taken credit for his joke.”

After the tragic death of Timothy Chamo at just nine

years old, police attempted to stop the vehicle. “Unfor tunately, the Comedy Central car was just too fast for us to catch,” said officer Barney Medler. “Little Timmy may never be properly credited for his joke, and it’s all social media’s fault. Kids should stay off their phones.”

As the car sped through out the nation, it made many more devastating stops. “The worst was a stand up show for comedians in West Virginia. The windshield has been tinted red ever since,” said Narthen. “At this point the car doesn’t even need Twitter, it can sense the comedy. All we can do is try to warn people that the car is coming.”

Citizens are advised to seek shelter and say unfunny things if they see a beat up, bloodstained car. The interns are known to yell, “The wheels of Comedy Central are turn ing!” as a warning when the car closes in on a new victim.

Local Horse Opposes Affordable Housing Development in Neighborhood

BY THEO ERICKSON Ass. Content Editor

In September 2021, Cali fornia Governor Gavin Newsom signed a host of bills intended to speed up construction of new homes. These bills included Senate Bill 9, which allows home owners to build up to four single-family homes on an existing single-family home, as well as Senate Bill 10, which allows towns to re zone vacant space defined as transit-rich or as urban infill to permit the construc tion of multi-unit housing of up to 10 units. These bills are intended to increase density and provide more options for individuals seeking housing, streamlining a process that otherwise may be too slow to address current gaps in hous ing. While some towns and cities are chomping at the bit to incorporate these bills into their planning, others have not yet left the gate.

Clydesdale resident and horse Burt Hansen began pushing back against these recent plans to build afford able housing in Clydesdale, his neighborhood of stable residence for the last nine years. The town of Clydes dale will utilize some of the processes outlined in Cali fornia’s recent legislation in order to expand affordable housing. Along with other protesting residents, Hansen has stated he is “not horsing around” in his efforts to op pose Clydesdale’s plan.

Hansen expressed his disagreement during Clydes dale’s last town meeting, stat

ing, “The only thing this is go ing to do is ruin all the open space I rely on to stretch my four long, spindly-yet-power ful legs. Oh, as well as lower the property value on this massive amount of land that my foals are going to inherit if they buckle down on their Stanford applications. At this rate I’ll have to protest on some kind of podcast to slow down construction enough to salvage my estate planning.”

When Hansen finished arguing his position half an hour later, human Debi Tate took to the podium and said, “I’m sick of living in a town where all our news coverage is about a rich snobby horse. What’s he even arguing? The bills were already passed.”

After a pause, she continued, “I chose to rent a house in Clydesdale, but it would be nice to own a house in my lifetime. I guess Burt Hansen is going to make sure that doesn’t happen. He’s like a professional stall-er.”

Meanwhile, the town of Clydesdale has begun searching for locations to begin construction, but has run into several unexpected problems. Senate Bill 10 doesn’t apply to lots that have been approved by vot ers for recreation or park use, but it may apply to a plot which serves as a buffer zone between a park and a neigh boring town, Derby. In be tween speeches from Derby residents, Hansen stated that the area was a fire risk, an un sunk sinkhole, and the pro tected habitat of the endan gered “Gangrene,” the name of a resident’s housecat.

“It really takes the laughter out of manslaughter,” stated Barney Medler.

PHOTO BY JAMES WOOLLEY

“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades — two things I’ll be chucking at the affordable houses!” proclaimed the horse.

PHOTO BY JAMES WOOLLEY

AI-Generated Images to Replace All Art Ever by 2024

POINT

The Mona Lisa Isn’t Even That Great

BY BERNINE ARTHURSON Amateur Art Critic

Ah, the Louvre: the most famous art museum in the world. Why? Sure, it has more paintings than a visitor could see in a day and a piece by every artist with a household name, but none of them are any good. Even the most famous painting of them all, Mona Lisa, lauded as the pinnacle of artistic achieve ment, is nothing more than a painting of a girl smirking. A good 50% of all portraits ever made are the image of a wom an. There are millions like it; where’s the creativity?

BY ISABELLE MCKELVEY Head Content

Last week, the 2022 Red Bull Sponsored New York City Landscape Painting Competition Sponsored by Red Bull: Red Bull Gives You Wings painting competition took place, and 25-year-old Hugh Mann entered the race in hopes of winning the first-place honor: having his painting put on display in New York City’s most re nowned art museum. Hugh Mann entered the competi tion with the one piece of art he knew would do the best; a painting which Senior Judge Stew Smith described as, “uh, a beautiful picture of — well, I’m actually not quite sure what it is exactly. But it looks cool.”

Mann won more than first place with this paint ing. Due to his “outstanding

talent,” Hugh Mann became the first landscape artist in the history of Red Bull Spon sored New York City Land scape Painting Competition Sponsored by Red Bull: Red Bull Gives You Wings com petitions to place in every single position.

“Mann’s artwork was so incredible we had to give him first place, second place, third place, fourth place, and fifth place!” said another judge. “Hugh Mann has now completely overtaken the museum. His paintings are everywhere!”

However, while deliv ering his five speeches, the audience started to develop suspicions that Hugh Mann was not a real person but a highly intel ligent robot. One skeptic noted, “I got the feeling that he might not be hu

man when he got close to the microphone and there was feedback.” Another audience member found it peculiar when Mann “sneezed and a wire fell out of his nose.” When confronted with these suspicions, Hugh Mann denied them immediately, saying, “I am human. I like to eat food and sleep in a bed like everybody else.”

An anonymous insid er source, however, dis closed that Hugh Mann is a human-like AI that auto-generates realistic oil paintings by using popular keywords. “The artwork is so authentic-looking that, when compared to manmade paintings, there are little to no differences.”

Hugh Mann and other im age generating AIs plan to take over all art galleries

by the year 2024, stating, “Society doesn’t even pay attention to art anymore. They can’t tell the differ ence between an authen tic, thoughtful piece of art and an indefinable image auto-generated from the keywords ‘twins managing a busy airport soup shop.’”

“I for one wouldn’t be so against the idea of re placing authentic paint ings with AI-generated ones,” said one museum worker. “AI art gets rid of all the boring stuff that I hate in regular art, like emotion and meaning.” A professional gallery cura tor at the museum chimed in, saying, “The best thing about this new AI stuff is that we don’t have to un derpay our artists any more. Now we just don’t pay them at all!”

Khosla Announces Partnership with Saudi Arabia to Bring “The Segment” to UCSD Campus

Why have I not seen a mod ern original, such as Rojom’s The Council of Eldertubbies or The Forgiveness of Jon, both far better pieces than anything Da Vinci ever painted, in a mu seum? Among classical works, what could be more meaning ful than The Ugly Duchess? What piece plays on a viewer’s emotions more than those soup cans by that Warhol guy? And yet, the Louvre displays Mona Lisa as the crown jewel of its collection like a pig wear ing lipstick. No gilded frames or crowds of slack-jawed fools

will make me mistake it for anything more than the uninspired sketch it is. As for the rest of the Lou vre, it’s nothing but moody landscapes and portraits — pictures my phone camera could take with better detail, that Instagram filters could instill with more vibrant color. What paintings couldn’t be photographed, I could make in seconds with a one-sentence prompt to any AI image-genera tion tool. Nothing in the Louvre could compare to the limit lessness of my creativity and an AI’s ability to create any image I desire. If I want to see a teddy bear covered in hu man flesh, sipping apple juice through a silly straw, I can. What’s the point of the mu seum if the only thing worth seeing is the exit?

COUNTERPOINT So Make Something Better

BY FLYNN FLANDERFIELD Professional Amateur Art Critic

If you think the Louvre doesn’t have a single piece of art worth your time, then make some thing better. I didn’t get a PhD in art history to explain what gives a piece value to an igno ramus who prefers gag images to culturally significant master pieces. Art is about following long-established rules about which colors you can use, who your subjects can be, and how much time you have to spend per square inch of canvas before your work is complete — rules an AI doesn’t know to follow. The Louvre is covered in works by “the old masters” because these masters knew everything there was to know about art. How can a casual critic like you disparage Mona Lisa without even a bach elor’s in the arts?

People like you think that any image can be art, but it takes much more than a few brushstrokes on a canvas for something to be art, let alone good art. You know a piece of art has style when you can pick up on every possible de tail — from the hex code of each individual color to the

textural indentation of every brush bristle. And when I look at a really good painting, I can immediately tell whether the artist was sitting down or standing up while painting it. So, unless your phone’s cam era is letting you choose the properties of each individual pixel, the photos it takes will never be art.

And anything an AI generates is merely derivative of millions of true artists’ styles. Even the Warhol painting you mentioned, Campbell’s Soup Cans, is an origi nal, non-derivative piece.

Sure, Mona Lisa is just an other woman in a portrait, but it obeys every rule of art in a mas terful display of what all other works of art should replicate.

BY SOPHIE PUBB Staff Writer

Over the past year, UCSD has promised to in crease its housing sup ply in an attempt to ease the housing shortage in the La Jolla region. Previously, these plans included the brand-new Eighth College and two skyscrapers built over what was once Camp Snoopy, but today, Chancel lor Kholsa canceled those plans. In their place, Kholsa has promised the reorgani zation of UCSD into a sin gle mega-build that prior itizes verticality. The official press statement from UCSD promises this new campus will be the first to “fully uti lize all three spacial dimen sions” and “take buildings where they have never gone before: upward.”

The new project, named The Segment, is planned to be 20 miles long and 500 feet tall while only being 150 feet wide. This development strategy is supposed to be a more “efficient use of space” by placing greater empha sis on height. UCSD has not been forthcoming about how the university is plan ning to pay for this massive redevelopment, only stating that “the partnership be tween Saudi Arabia and the Department of Aerospace Engineering has been very lucrative for both parties.”

Many La Jolla residents have raised concerns about the plan. In the proposed plan, The Segment is built over a large amount of de velopment not owned by UCSD. “I got a copy of the plans,” said Hannah Helsing, a La Jolla homeowner. “And

right over my house they’re building a ‘metaversepowered Jack in the Box.’ How are they putting a digital burger store over my house?” UCSD assures cur rent residents that they will be “taken care of,” but that promise has not done much to soothe worries.

Continuing the press tour, Bart Blowers, The Seg ment’s Chief Architect of Ideas and Vision, spoke at an event at La Jolla Shores, saying, “We’re doing some thing real cool here. It’s like, so, futuristic and shit. We got all the cool future buz zwords in this thing. Clean energy, AI, trains — I’m like a Blade Runner , Brave New World type of future.” After a long pause where Blowers ate a gummy bear, he said, “And like, what if there was this huge robot that picked

everybody up and cradled them in its big strong arms and carried people to places. Yes! That’s so tight. I’m to tally getting a raise.”

UCSD assured students that this campus organiza tion is in their best interest. “We’re building this with you in mind,” read an email sent to all UCSD students. “We want to make a campus that is all-encompassing. Every thing you need will be within a five-minute walk. Our com munity is going to have you wishing that UCSD had an 80-year housing guarantee.”

Some UCSD students have expressed dissatisfaction with the new plans. “Why can’t the school just fix its actual prob lems instead of working on some crazy, unrealistic pro ject?” said Daisy Duke. “They can’t even make a functioning Wi-Fi system.”

“If I had to describe the type of art I’m making, I would say I’m in my RGB period,” said Hugh Mann.

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG

“Mr. Khosla, tear down this wall!” cried Helsing.

PHOTO BY GARY FICKS

SHEIN Starts Selling Clothing Made of Antimatter

BY SHARON ROTH Editor-in-Chief

Fast-fashion retailer SHEIN, famous for their low prices and constantly-growing inventory, recently started a new trend: clothing made out of antimatter. Their advertise ment for the new collection promised their clothing “is the bomb! Every particle has an antiparticle, and every person has their perfect outfit. You’ll make all the haters MAD — when antimatter touches or dinary matter, they annihilate each other, like mutually as sured destruction. Available for a limited time only.”

This microtrend was popu larized on TikTok by physics major and fashion influencer Billy “William” Higgs. He re cently attempted to film an “un boxing haul” of SHEIN’s new antimatter clothes. However, just as he opened the pack

age, the antimatter brushed against ordinary matter and exploded. Thankfully, Higgs emerged from the experience unharmed, albeit with singed eyebrows and a mild case of acute radiation poisoning.

“I’m honestly really dis appointed,” Higgs said in the failed unboxing video, “I was so excited to take pictures in these new shirts! I mean, most of the stuff I buy from SHEIN falls apart after a few wears, but I didn’t even get to wear these shirts once.”

Despite Higgs’s bad expe rience, SHEIN is selling out of the antimatter shirts, jack ets, and “jorts.” SHEIN is the first online store to sell anti matter clothing, as most oth er manufacturers avoid that material in favor of more sta ble ordinary matter. Before this launch, scientists had only been able to create mere

nanograms of antimatter in high-speed collisions. In or der to keep up with demand, SHEIN had to build its own particle accelerator at their production center in Guang zhou. Citizens concerned about the massive amounts of radioactive material being stored at the SHEIN Particle Accelerator (SPA) were as sured that radiation leach ing from the facility would cause them to “glow on the outside, just like they glow from the inside.”

An insider at the SPA said that workers are regularly ex posed to ionizing radiation and radioactive matter, often with out personal protective equip ment. Underpaid workers regularly dispose of radioactive waste outside because there are currently no set disposal procedures for antipolyesteranticotton blends.

susan bagel

September is the ninth month. Autumn brings with it the chill wind of chang ing leaves. My home is quiet with the chil dren at school — and Mr. Bagel, lithe and graceful like a hairless cat, hardly makes a sound when he leaves. I haunt the empty house, wondering if anyone remembers that I once lived here. My heartbeat feebly echoes a living wom an, ever fading.

My grandmother made the perfect soup. She stood in the kitch en for hours, letting the Dutch oven simmer un til the creamy concoc tion coated the back of a spoon. She blended the soup until its in gredients sang in har mony. She ladled it into bowls with love, giving everyone the perfect portion. Every person at the table licked their bowl clean.

All my life I’ve tried to recreate my grand mother’s soup reci pe. Butternut squash flirting with chicken stock, zucchini and onion marching in unison. Every fla vor lifting the others up, every spoonful a shrine to Nana Bagel.

I began my pilgrim age to the grocery store. I filled the cart

with its offerings: two carrots, four sweet potatoes, five regular potatoes, black pep percorns. Then, in an instant, the Earth shifted off its axis.

I couldn’t find the chicken stock. Would veggie stock do?

How could my Vons, my safe haven, become a silent stran ger to me? I scanned the shelves over and over, but the broth was not to be found in this wasteland. I stood stock-still in the aisle, heedless of the man pretend ing to look at canned corn while he waited for me to move out of his way. The recipe flashed across the in side of my eyelids as I swayed under the bright overhead light ing. Chicken stock, three cups. Chicken stock, three cups.

My grandmother taught me everything I know. She watched me take my first steps, wrapped her cal loused hands around mine as I kneaded my first loaf of bread. But my grandmother didn’t tell me what to do if the world I once knew crumbled in an instant, like a short bread left out in the rain. My vision tun neled and the world

went gray. I held onto the metal shelf to at tempt to remain up right. Then, in the dark wood, a stran ger came to me. She looked at me, staring at the hole where my stock used to be, the hole that refused to be filled by a substitute. Then she spoke: “Are you also looking for chicken stock?” Her voice was warm and nourished — a need I didn’t know I had. Her voice was like good soup. “I can’t find it anymore, but I think veggie works pretty well.” She handed me a box of the stock. Our fingers did not touch as I took it. I chided myself for wanting to take the sensation of her hands, to steal more from her than I already had. Yet, as she walked away to wards the yogurt, her broth remained.

As I blended my soup, the grating sound of the immer sion blender mas sacred the silence of the house. I began to shake, caught be tween the impulse to be silent and the need to create. How did my grandmother blend her soup so in visibly? What did my grandmother whisper into her soup as it

SHEIN recently held a press conference to promote their antimatter clothing and respond to anti-anticlothing critics. SHEIN’s CEO, Burt Lopez, likened demand for antimatter clothing to a black hole. “The consumer will spend money on anything, and they just keep on buying and buying.” He added that while it was not possible to minimize exposure to radio active waste at the SPA, fewer workers have been seriously injured there than at SHEIN’s other production facilities.

SHEIN is looking to the future and is currently manu facturing clothing for the next microtrend. Fans of the anti matter t-shirts can look for ward to revamped 2000s styles such as tank tops with spaghet tification straps and the muchanticipated all-black outfit made of dark matter.

simmered for hours? Who was the woman beneath the woman I knew? After I endured the roar of the blend er, silence rushed in to fill its absence, like thick soup flowing to fill the cold empti ness of a spoon. Only the quiet flame of the stove, urging the soup to a simmer, gave any indication of life.

When my children returned from school, when Mr. Bagel re turned after working late, I served them my soup. The strange woman’s broth was undetectable, but I could still taste its sweetness. After Mr. Bagel left again for the night shift, I cleared the bowls.

I hope my grand mother forgives me for deviating from her recipe. I hope the strange woman for gives me for taking her broth to warm my heart. The soup may be consumed, but its flavor still lingers on my tongue. Veggie stock, three cups. Veg gie stock, three cups.

Anyway, here’s the

Order tracking has become complicated, as the post office cannot provide both the shipping address and delivery date.

PHOTO BY AMIT ROTH

New False Memory Service

Helps Users Pad Their Resumes

BY THEO ERICKSON Ass. Content Editor

Anew app from Limen, the startup behind Cy cleDataTracker, will be released this October, and founder Geoffry Ichquick claims it will “revolution ize the resumé.” With only five minutes a day, the app, called Max Headspace, promises to give its users false memories of work ex perience to put on their job applications. Users are re ported to have up to 200% of their lifetime’s worth of ex perience on their resumés.

“Last summer I thought I was screwed,” said user Lai na Lightly. “I was applying for an Apple internship, but

they required five years of experience with a program ming language that came out last month. Ordinarily I would’ve spent 20 hours ap plying and getting rejected anyway, but after using Max Headspace, I think I remem ber learning the language since I was in eighth grade. Too bad I forgot my mom’s birthday in the process.” Max Headspace founder Ichquick spoke about the app’s benefits as well as its current bugs. “For longer employment periods, it takes more training to develop enough specific memories. Some people are saying it would be a better use of time to get these experience in real

life. But our calculations say you can get about 15 more minutes out of your life if you use our app constantly in stead of living in real life. So, stop posting one-star reviews about it.”

Ichquick continued, “Many users also noticed that false memories may help their re sumés and interviews, but that Max Headspace doesn’t falsify employment records. How ever, that feature is available with our premium subscrip tion for just $29.99 a month. Some people, like the IRS, are saying that’s illegal, but if our customers remember it clear ly, then who’s to say Chipotle isn’t the one lying? Uh, don’t tell our lawyers I said that.”

However, beta tester Kera Burnett didn’t find employ ment records to be a problem, saying, “I don’t think manager Paul at Baskin-Robbins cared that much. But I did have trou ble at work, because I started thinking like, if I can just re invent parts of my brain, then what’s real? Am I happy, or am I just convincing myself I am? Like, does happiness exist, or do I just need a horizon to chase to fill each empty day?

By the time I broke out of my thousand-yard stare and heard Paul yelling at me, the line was out the door. I was fired, but at least now I have real work experience I can put on my resumé. And a termination to explain to future employers.”

BY LUCIANO PARMIGIANO Pizza Innovator

I had my first slice of pizza when I was two years old. My grandmother took me to a place in Brooklyn on the corner of DeKalb and St. James. That was the day I fell in love. The first bite — full of gooey cheese, beautiful sauce, and robust crust. From that moment on, the guiding light of my life was our weekly slice. It didn’t matter where the pizza came from, or what was put on top: it was glo rious every time. There was only one problem separating me from pizza nirvana: the shape.

Now you may be wonder ing, what’s wrong with the way pizza is shaped, Luciano? I’ll tell you. What shape is a slice of pizza? A triangle? Don’t make me laugh. Think. It starts out as a circle. How could you ever get a triangle out of that? I’ve done some research and talked to some professors at NYU, where I learned that the shape of a slice of pizza is called a “circu lar sector.” What a stupid name. How am I supposed to enjoy the food of gods when it’s cut into such a stupid shape? The fla vors are muddled by the circu larity of it all. Every idiot knows that straight lines taste the best. A slice already has two, which is pretty good, but I wanted to make it perfect.

The next 20 years of my life were spent tinkering with dif ferent recipes and methods, trying to achieve the perfect slice. Upon receiving some

advice from a tourist I met near Times Square, my grandmother and I took a trip to all the other pizza-making cities: Chicago, St. Louis, New Haven, Los An geles, even Detroit. All the styles were scrumptious in their own ways, but none were perfect.

I liked the straight lines on the Detroit and St. Louis pizzas, but the squares were just too awkward to eat. Chicago’s pizza was difficult to hold, and my grandmother burned her hand picking it up! Los Angeles and New Haven had the same shape as New York’s, only they put worse toppings on top, and the crust wasn’t nearly as delicious.

I couldn’t find the right shape anywhere, no matter how many delicious slices of pizza I ate.

I returned to New York demoralized and down. My grandmother bought me a slice of pizza to cheer me up, but as we stepped on the subway, ser endipity struck. I wasn’t paying attention to my slice, and as the doors slid closed, my pizza crust was trapped between un forgiving steel. I was horrified. I quickly yanked my pizza away from the evil grasp of those cold metal doors. The pizza gods were smiling upon me that day, for after a mighty tug, my slice came to me, just missing a bit of the crust. There it was: the per fect triangle. Tears ran down my face as I took bite after perfect bite, and the ecstasy of the mo ment overwhelmed me.

The next day my grand mother died, but I was too ex cited by my discovery to bother with a boring funeral. I had to show every pizza place in the world my amazing discov ery. For some reason, they all seemed to find me crazy, say ing that cutting off the crust was wasting food and pointless, but I wasn’t going to give up that easily. Today, I wander the streets of New York, looking for anyone eating a slice. With the aid of my trusty knife, I can give them a delicious surprise they will never forget.

COLD FUSION DEBATE GETS HEATED

Cold fusion, a hypotheti cal type of fusion occurring at room temperature as op posed to the temperature of the sun, is sought after for its potential to produce bound less energy with little input, but many physicists are skeptical of its possibility. In a private solo-study, Dr. Hermione Lee reported self-sustaining cold fusion, a landmark that hot fu sion has only recently reached, sparking heated debate over the validity of her results.

Critics claim Lee was overly secretive about the ex periment and her methods, to the point that her claims are unverifiable. “Cold fusion is a quantum phenomenon,” said Lee in response to the criti cism. “Introducing another observer would have affected my results. As for my methods, they’re a secret, so no one can steal my work.”

Lee claims colleagues have “frozen [her] out” for her alleg edly falsified results. Dr. Bruce Dixon said, “If Dr. Lee doesn’t think peer review is important, then maybe her peers will re view their decision to be asso ciated with her.”

“All this is making me skep tical of hot fusion. If it were real, one would think all this heated debate would bring the scientific community together instead of tearing us apart,” said Lee.

FANTASY FOOTBALL PUNISHMENT ENDS WITH THREE IN JAIL

Every September, millions of people participate in fanta sy football. For some, the joy comes from drafting their fa vorite players, or connecting with the NFL season. But for 10 friends in Northampton, their passion for fantasy foot ball stems from the punish ments doled out to the loser of the league each year.

“Three years ago, I lost thanks to my first pick, Le’Veon Bell,” said Frank lin Yates. “I had to dye my hair neon pink, dress in a sequined speedo, and walk all over town. My photo was in the local newspaper. My wife wouldn’t speak to me for a week!”

Every year before the draft, the friends try to come up with more and more hor rifying actions for the loser to do. This year, the league took the punishment too far.

“When I lost this year, I never imagined I’d spend a night in jail,” said Reginald Binnings. “I had to dance outside the mayor’s office with two witnesses record ing me for my 15 minutes of fame. Unfortunately, the cops thought we were political protestors, so they blasted us with a water cannon and took us away for advanced interro gation. Once they realized we were red-blooded, footballloving Americans, they set us free. I wish next year’s loser good luck.”

BRITISH CURRENCY DEPICTS PRINCE WILLIAM INSTEAD OF KING CHARLES III

After the death of Queen Elizabeth II, citizens of the United Kingdom were con cerned that they would have to carry currency branded with the face of King Charles III, rather than the late Queen Elizabeth II. However, the most recently-printed Brit ish notes do not depict King Charles, but rather Prince William, his son. British bank-goers were surprised to see “a glaring receding hair line” instead of “an old toad that’s ready to croak.”

Sir Jerry Stencille, the Head of Design at De La Rue, the printing company responsible for the Bank of England’s banknotes, was blamed for the misprinting. When confronted with his mistake, Sir Stencille stated: “I figured I would save us all some time and skip Charleyboy, since he’s about to join his dear mummy up in heav en. By the time anyone sees a new banknote, Willy will be the king. I was just trying to save the general public some tax money after paying for a funeral and coronation. They should be thanking me! No one likes Charles anyway.”

To ensure public approv al, the twenty-pound note was also changed to feature everyone’s favorite king, Shaun the Sheep.

ELON MUSK DECLARES HIMSELF “TECHNOEMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE”

Musk made the an nouncement on Twitter this morning, where he also said that he has “already been forcing Tesla employees to use the title for months,” and was “disappointed that they call [him] Technotoddler behind [his] back.” This prompted “Technotoddler” to trend on Twit ter for 24 hours. As part of the campaign, many people posted drawings and photo shopped images of Musk in a diaper.

In response, self-de scribed “Elon-stans” or ganized a rally outside of the Tesla headquarters in Austin, Texas, where they held up signs reading “My Emperor” and “Tech is the future. Elon is tech. We must surrender to what will come.” These “Elon-stans” also held up a life sized por trait of Musk in royal attire and were seen bowing and crying in front of it.

“Titles don’t mean any thing,” said Musk in a re cent interview. “I mean, CEO is just a fake name for a fake job. Like what does a ‘Chief Executive Officer’ even do? I can do everything a CEO can as a Techno-Emperor. That is to say, absolutely nothing.”

“This new app really helps me sleep better at night,” attested Laina Lightly. “And not just because I have better job security — my resumé now doubles as a mattress.”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

The MQ Shares Their Summer Intern Experience

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