THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
March 9, 2022
“Never ignore your roots, your home, or your hair.” - Volodymyr Zelenskyy, President of Ukraine
Volume XXVIII Issue V
Bless this mess.
Cutting-Edge Computer Virus Sweeps Through Campus
IN THIS ISSUE THERE IS NO ETHICAL CONCUMPTION UNDER CAPITALISM
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UCSD CRANE REPLACED BY BIRD
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THE MQ PLANS A SPRING BREAK TRIP
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PHILOSOPHY STUDENT MISTAKES THOUGHT FOR EPIPHANY APRIL FOOLS COMES TO CAMPUS ONE MONTH EARLY
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NEWS IN BRIEF “This would be a beautiful sight if my essay wasn’t on that computer,” one student commented. BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA
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n Thursday afternoon, the cybersecurity office at UCSD warned all students of a new computer virus plaguing students. The ransomware, called inflewenza, was initially spread when UCSD Health Official Anthony Lu’s laptop was hacked on Monday at 2 p.m. From there, the hackers sent thousands of students emails containing a link to the virus promising the cure to bad grades. The ransomware attacks users’ computers in a neverbefore-seen fashion. According to cybersecurity expert Javac Odep Ython, the malicious code is hidden within normal commands, allowing it to slip unnoticed through the UCSD firewalls. He continued, “The malicious code is only one line long, allowing the hackers
to place it anywhere and everywhere. If you are scanning a file’s contents and see the line ‘run cmptrfan @ w=1111 rad/s,’ do not execute the file, as it contains inflewenza.” The first victim of inflewenza, senior Smeagull Iblet, had his computer irreversibly damaged on Tuesday morning. By Wednesday afternoon, 2,000 other students had suffered the same fate. “At first I was excited,” said Iblet. “I needed to raise my CSE 11 grade ASAP. But when I clicked the link, my computer went crazy. The fan started spinning super fast and my computer started to fly! After the motor burnt out, my computer fell and shattered on the ground, just when my grade was about to go up. Such bad timing.” Just one week after the cybersecurity office’s announcement, the computers of half of the students on campus’
computers had been destroyed due to inflewenza. Computer parts littered the campus, with damage to ceilings becoming a major problem. “I was in my 200-person architecture lecture in Wagner Hall when Professor Mosby sent out a quiz link,” said freshman Descare Dofcomp. “Unfortunately, the professor’s computer had been hacked, so the link had inflewenza, and infected everyone’s computers. It was total chaos, as flying laptops filled the air, and we had to evacuate before the roof caved in. The worst part was that everyone got a zero for destroying a building that the professor really liked, and one student failed the class for shredding the professor’s tie.” However, not all student interactions with inflewenza have been negative. “When I saw all the flying computers, I knew there was an opportunity to make money,”
PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA said business major Kapro Fitzgerald. “So I put together a gambling ring inside the construction site for Eighth College.” In Fitzgerald’s gambling ring, two students simultaneously downloaded inflewenza and competed to see whose computer could reach a higher altitude. Fitzgerald even claimed that his gambling ring was sustainable, as parts from the destroyed computers are being donated to be used as building materials for an ongoing rebuild of Wagner Hall. “After a while, everyone was too afraid to use their computers, and professors switched over to the older ways of education,” sophomore Steven Silincia said. “Sure, it’s hard carrying slates, chisels, and a hammer, but it sure beats destroying my computer every class.”
Local Flint Shortage Sparks Absolutely Nothing
BEAN BAG SHIPMENTS TO RUSSIA HALTED IN SUPPORT OF UKRAINE Following the Russian Army’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Mr. Charles Dawkins, CEO of the furniture company Crockery Farm, has announced that bean bag chairs will no longer be sold in Russia. Dawkins was not the first private businessman to take action, as his announcement was preceded by companies such as PayPal and Apple refusing to serve Russian citizens to show political support for Ukraine. While many have hailed these acts as displays of true bravery and patriotism, others have questioned the morality of freezing uninvolved citizens’ access to money
and supplies due to the actions of their authoritarian government. In response to such criticism, Dawkins released the following statement: “In times like these, essential businesses must take a stand against communists that think they have the proletariat-given right to lounge around in the comfiest chairs imaginable while spreading their red propaganda.” While it remains unknown how effective this embargo on bean bag chairs will be towards the Russian population, this stance has succeeded domestically with a few Americans remembering that bean bag chairs exist.
LOCAL JOURNALIST SLAMMED FOR USING SNOW CONES INSTEAD OF SNOWCLONES San Diego journalist Canderson Hooper has come under fire for bringing snow cones to work instead of writing “mindless drivel” through using snowclones. His boss, Calter Wonkite, explained: “A snowclone is a journalistic cliché and phrasal template that can be recognized in multiple variants. A snow cone, on the other hand, is a bunch of ground-up ice covered in cat piss.” Hooper defended his actions, saying, “I don’t know what I did wrong … snow cones are the new snowclones! Besides, my snow cones are the mother of all snow cones. I got the recipe from my new cookbook,
Everything You Wanted to Know About Snow Cones, but Were Too Afraid to Ask. The trick is it has to be shaved, not stirred.” Wonkite derided Hooper, stating, “If Inuits have dozens of words for snow, journalists have as many for incompetence, and I’d call Hooper all of them! Snow cones do not a newspaper make.” Pointing to a jug of cat piss on his table, he continued: “This is your brain on snow cones!” Hooper has since decided to quit his job in search of greener pastures, shouting, “Don’t hate me because I’m cool. Have snow cones, will travel!”
GENENTECH SLATED TO RELEASE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED “HUMAN 2.0” UPDATE PHOTO BY JULIA WONG “I was having a real tough time figuring out what to do without any flint,” said Susan Graves, “and then it struck me.” BY GEORGE NASSAR Staff Writer
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s supply chain issues continue to plague the nation, the lives of many consumers, business owners, and megacorporation CEOs alike have ground to a halt due
to shipping delays, dwindling stock, and ships getting stuck in canals. While many aspects of life have changed in the face of the breakdown of global commerce that followed the COVID-19 pandemic, for one small town in rural San Diego County, the rampant short-
ages threaten to cut off a key source of income. Coal Valley is home to several large flint mines that are estimated to produce up to 68.9% of the country’s supply, or an estimated 50 pounds every year. “Coal Valley only really has one major export,”
explained Jeremiah Jameson, a local miner. Lately, the mines have struggled to produce their normal quotas, many residents believe that the floundering supply chain is to
See Flint Shortage, page 2
MOTHER ORDERS TACOS
MAN EDITS HIS GENOME
Expects nine-month delivery date
Only uses base pairs C, A, T.
Next Thursday, the biotechnology giant Genentech is expected to release the “long-overdue” version 2.0 of Humanity. The update is said to contain many useful additions, alongside a wide host of bug fixes. “We’ve always thought that the human body has a lot of room for improvement,” said David Davis, the lead researcher for the Human 2.0 project. “For instance, we added an extra joint between the knee and the ankle for increased mobility.” In addition to the base tier, the update will contain additional features for subscribers of Genentech Premium. “For only $29.99 a month, you can add an extra stomach for increased food intake,” said Davis. “You’ll still get fat, though.
We couldn’t figure out how to fix that.” However, the update isn’t just all new features — it also contains a large array of bug fixes. “The human body has always had some major flaws, so we took it upon ourselves to fix them,” said Davis. “One of the biggest things we noticed was that the name ‘funny bone’ is an unfortunate misnomer, so in Human 2.0, hitting it will actually trigger an uncontrollable fit of laughter,” explained the researcher. The update also fixes additional bugs, such as removing eyelashes to eliminate the possibility of them getting in the eye. “We also removed the female G-spot,” stated Davis, adding that “nobody really uses it anyway.”
See BRIEFS, page 11