Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1: COSTCO anything else in our stores,” said a Costco spokesperson. “And what better way to do that than by allowing them to try before they buy?”

Before receiving the sample, shoppers will need to listen to the employee give a “side-effects spiel” and a warning to “talk to your doctor to see if this drug is right for you.” Additionally, children will need to point to a nearby adult and say, “Um, uh, she is my mom and she said it is okay for me to have one, please,” before receiving the sample. In response to concerns about children’s health, a Costco representative said, “It’s actually no big deal if the gummies have some CBD in them. It’ll keep the kids calmer and quieter, leading to a better experience for all Costco members.”

“You know, at first I was a bit skeptical that this would be a good idea,” said a member of the Costco Board of Directors. “Let me remind you, we got so much bad PR after that free urine sample fiasco — or that Tide Pod sampling situation. But I mean, just look at how many new Costco members we’ve gained since the announcement! I think at the next board meeting, I’m going to propose expanding samples to the alcohol section.”

BY BITSY HSU

Staff Writer

In a statement released January 1, 2023, Taiwan announced a new campaign to spread awareness of Taiwanese culture in America. At a press conference, Taiwanese President Tsai Ing-wen released a statement on a new foreign policy, stating, “Seeing fellow East Asian countries, such as Japan and Korea, gain popularity in the United States has made the Taiwanese people feel left out. Due to the hiatus of K-pop group BTS and the upcoming release of the final season of Attack on Titan , we have determined that it is the perfect time for Taiwan to strike.” Taiwan will implement several initiatives in an effort to appeal to the American public, including economic investment in Tpop, T-dramas, and T-anime. However, Taiwan has previously made numerous attempts to debut in America. In the 1980s, the Taiwanese government sent boba tea vendors to the United

States to spread awareness of Taiwan. To boost the drink’s popularity, Taiwan’s marketing team advertised it as the preferred beverage of “beloved” Star Wars character Boba Fett, even claiming it was named after him. In spite of the boba tea campaign, a recent poll indicated that 45% of Americans believe that boba tea originated from Japan, while another 40% believe it came from Korea. In the 2000s, Taiwan tried to debut again, opening more locations of the critically acclaimed restaurant Din Tai Fung in the United States. However, numerous surveys conducted at Din Tai Fung locations show that the majority of patrons believe the restaurant is Chinese.

Taiwan’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, Jaushieh Joseph Wu, commented on Taiwan’s weak presence in America, stating, “Unfortunately, semiconductors and boba drinks are not nearly as sexy as BTS’ Jimin Park. To build a stronger relationship with America, Taiwan must focus on attractive cultural exports.” To help rebrand Taiwan as a “cute” and “approachable” nation, Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company’s new logo will be a golden retriever named “Bonjour Doggy,” who is actually a little boy that enjoys dressing up as a dog. TSMC is also planning to produce an animated TV show to accompany the logo change. Gift shops with Bonjour Doggy merchandise will be added to TSMC factories in an effort to attract American tourists.

Building on the current Taiwanese influence in America, Taiwan will send pride flags to American boba shops printed with the slogan: “Taiwan is the only Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. All your gay K-pop ships will NEVER happen. #TpopSupremecy.” An official statement from Taiwan’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs clarified, “The Paint Taiwan Rainbow campaign aims to tap into the LGBTQ+ market in America. Taiwan must also show that it is not like the other Asian countries. We’re better.”

Taiwan’s campaign has received a wide variety of responses from Americans. Many voiced excitement over participating in a “fun and fresh” Asian culture as they had “grown bored” with Japanese and Korean culture. However, Taiwanese Americans have expressed mixed reactions to the campaign. Some expressed anger or said that Taiwanese culture should be “gatekept” from Americans. Others expressed joy, with one interviewee noting, “I’ve been waiting for Taiwan to debut in America for so long. I’ve always wanted positive affirmations from White Americans about my culture.” In response to the news, the UCSD Taiwanese American Student Association made an Instagram post, stating: “We hope that people will stop confusing Taiwan with China as a result of the new foreign policy.”

“Where else can you fill your car up with gas, get a rotisserie chicken, a hot dog, and an eight-foot-tall stuffed bear, and then sample the latest and greatest in pharmaceutical innovations? I mean, that’s America right there,” said one Costco enthusiast. Another shopper said, “The other time I went into Costco, I got a really bad headache, and just wished I could get some ibuprofen. I was also craving a cigarette. As soon as I walked in, I was handed both! Man, going to Costco is gonna be addictive now.”

Top Ten

Cure-Alls

10. Money

9. Apple cider vinegar

One Mr. McQueen also expressed interest in the expanded sample program, to inquire if it would be opened to Costco Gas or Costco Auto. “For too long, Costco has focused its attention on the people inside, and not the cars outside. What if I want to try on some new tires, sample the oil, or compare the 87 octane gas to the 91? Give me a break. And how can they be offering speed inside, when I am speed? Kachow!”

“Costco’s new medication sample policy sounds great! My friend Burt Lopez is gonna love the ketamine samples,” said Alexis Davis. “But I gotta tell ya, nothin’ makes ya feel richer than choppin’ up a line of cocaine with a Costco Executive Member card. That’s what I call the Kirkland Signature.”

8. A little smooch from mama

7. Coffee and a cigarette

6. Those tranquilizer pills from The Queen’s Gambit

5. Driving recklessly and weeping

4. Just walking it off

3. Arguing with people online

2. Shitty grocery store sugar cookies

1. Absinthe

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Editor-in-Chief............................Sharon Roth

Managing Editor...........................Jacob King

Head Content....................Isabelle McKelvey

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You know what the most common cause of arsenic poisoning is? Arsenic. The best prevention for arsenic poisoning? Drinking water without arsenic. Sometimes the solution is simple.

The best cure for post-midterms hell week sadness? Spending a weekend making a newspaper with my favorite people. It’s pretty simple, really. We just need to write articles and then edit the articles and then make corresponding images and come up with witty captions for those images and make cute and satirical features to spice up the pages and dig up an issue of the MQ from the year 1023 and invent the Spring Olympics and sell items at a flea market and give relationship advice and help you determine your love language. Oh. That doesn’t sound so simple. Maybe it actually takes a lot to make the paper. But there isn’t anything I’d rather be doing, and there isn’t another group of people I’d rather be with. As they always say, you can’t spell DUI without U & I. Thank you for reading this paper. I love you.

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Well, it’s another day at the mercury factory. You know how it is. Start off the day with a bump, do the required five hours in the mercury mines, do another bump at lunch, and then finish the shift with a night at the mercury purifier. They even let us sample some of it. Yum! They also opened a monastery across the street which is pretty nice. If I stand near the back wall I can hear the hymns over the bubbling mercury. It was 2 a.m. by the time our shift was over, which is pretty good. That gives us five hours before I have to report back to the mines. James, Aaron, Matthew, Jacob, Farhad, Sharon, Kaz, Madeline, Isabelle, and I spent the night drinking cotton-based alcohol.