The MQ’s Booth at the Flea Market

Over the past couple years, I felt my precious day slipping away from me. Why, you might ask, was the most important day of my year ruined? Companies worth billions of dollars aren’t willing to pay a little to give us a good, original ad. I remember the days when watching the commercials was more important than the game itself. With the non-stop brutality occuring on the field, TV timeouts became moments of joy. I grew up watching “Mean” Joe Greene giving a little kid his jersey, the iconic “Where’s the Beef” ad, and “1984” by Apple. I was married two days after Michael Jordan and Larry Bird played a game of HORSE. My daughter’s first steps happened during the Budweiser frog ad and my younger brother proposed to his wife after Terry Tate: Office Linebacker

All these ads had a couple things in common: they were innovative, hilarious, and handcrafted specifically for the most important day of the year. Now, Super Bowl ads are no longer special. People see the same ads they see every other day of the week, the same drivel companies peddle to watchers of daytime television, or those you might see at 3 a.m. on a Saturday. If I have to hear the Whopper jingle one more time, I might snap. Burger King, be warned. You better not ruin my day.

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BY RICK SUBWAY Corpohumanoid

The Super Bowl is an important day. Consumers need to be told what to buy for the upcoming year. Without advertisements, they’d be helpless, and the world would quickly descend into anarchy. Could you picture it? Consumers wandering listlessly through strip malls for hours on end, unable to choose which restaurants to enter, starving to death five Footlongs away from a Subway. However, buying ad time is getting harder and harder, as Big Media works to oppress our beautiful messages, charging $6.5 million for just 30 seconds on your screens. That’s why we haven’t been able to make game-changing ads anymore. There isn’t any money left to spend on the ad itself, because companies are practically bankrupting themselves just to air it. So

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the next time you see what you think is a crappy ad for a Happy Meal, just remember what those poor people at McDonalds are giving up to reach you. Reward their bold risk by taking some of your many dollars and donate to their company. I may never be able to fill the void in your heart, but I’ll leave you with an inspirational quote I heard the other day: “Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper; Junior, Double, Triple, Whopper; Flame-grilled taste with perfect toppers.”

Things to Do by Yourself on Valentine’s Day

10. Reflect

9. Make mead

8. Email your middle school crush

7. Walk behind groups of friends and laugh when they laugh

6. Make valentines for everyone in your CHEM 40B lecture

5. Stir a pot of mac and cheese

4. Your homework

3. A cool flip!

2. Shrekathon

1. Take an “Am I Gay?” test