MQ MARCH 5, 2003
University of California, San Diego
NOT IN THIS ISSUE
The Muir Quarterly Volume IX Issue V THE MQ IS AN ELABORATE SCHEME TO GET YOU INTO BED
U.S. Troops Invade Jordan
Defense Department describes action as "warm-up scrimmage" By Luke Barrington Staff Writer
Michael Jordan Dies, Plans Comeback
More Coverage on the U.S. Occupation of Jordan NEWSBRIEF National Newspaper Admits to Running Same Article Week After Week The New York Times, after intense public pressure, admitted Tuesday that they’ve been running the same article, “U.S. Tensions with Iraq Intensify,” once a week for the past month and a half. “Given the continuous and constant nature of our march towards an inevitable war with Iraq, we just couldn't see the purpose of rewriting the same story week after week, and thus merely changed dates and names as needed,” a Times spokesman explained in a press conference Monday. Reaction was surprisingly positive, as editors of other papers lauded the Times for its efficiency and vowed to follow suit with a similar recycling policy.
FALSIFIED QUOTE “I wish I had thought of starting WWIII. That would've made a great legacy.” –Bill Clinton themq.com
In what president George W. Bush hailed as “an act of tactical readiness,” United States ground, naval and air forces invaded the sovereign nation of Jordan, a close ally of the United States, yesterday. The Defense Department refers to this unprovoked hostility as a precursor and “trial run” for an impending assault on neighboring Iraq as Saddam Hussein continues to flout United Nations resolutions regarding his country’s stock of weapons of mass destruction. The scrimmage began early last night as the sun set over the Dead Sea on Jordan’s East coast. U.S. ships in the Mediterranean Sea and the Arabian Gulf launched salvoes of long-range ballistic missiles, taking out key tactical defensive sites on the border between Jordanian and Israel while air force bombers, striking from U.S. bases in Turkey and Saudi Arabia, bombarded the cities of Az Zarqa, Al Karak and the Jordanian capital, Amman, obliterating targets just like they would in a real war. This aerial assault was followed shortly by a ground attack with over 200,000 American troops entering Jordanian territory from Syria in the North and Saudi Arabia in the South. The first forces were believed to have reached King Abdallah II’s palatial stronghold outside Amman at first light this morning where the fighting with the surprised and disorganised Jordanian Armed Forces intensified. This type of assault – combining precision strikes
photo by The U.S. Defense Department
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld congratulates U.S. troops in Jordan upon completion of their sucessful invasion of a long-time American ally. with speed and, above all, the shock of overwhelming force – is thought to be very similar to the tactics that will be employed against Iraq, if the dire situation in Iraq warrants the use of force. Commander of the American forces in the area, General Tommy Franks, is pleased with the invasion and gave this statement to the press: “I am proud to report that US forces have captured the King’s palace and most crucial Jordanian defense positions. We all know that war has a tendency to go in unplanned
directions but we have once again demonstrated the unrivaled tactical superiority of our well-trained military and know what to watch out for next time around. I believe that we are now better prepared to take this war to Saddam.” A Jordanian spokesperson was not available for comment. Communications with the largely Muslim, oil-producing nation have been non-existant since the attack began with the total destruction of the country’s infrastructure. White House military experts
explained that Jordan was the obvious choice for a dry-run desert arena combat trial and provided excellent training for a strike against Iraq. “Jordan and Iraq are right next door to each other so we didn’t have to move the boys too far. They have a pretty similar climate and landscape, plus all of those people look the same anyway,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “My initial choice was to hit Iran instead, but the president kept getting the names mixed up so in the end we just decided to go with Jordan.”
Local Man Still Living in the Past, Ex-girlfriend’s Apartment By Tim Koster Assistant Content Editor Last Thursday, friends and family of Ray Maldonado, a 26-year old convenience store clerk, expressed concern that he is living a significant portion of his life in the past as well as in a small corner of his ex-girlfriend Suzanne Mendez’s apartment. After the breakup late last November, Maldonado’s friends began to notice that he was spending an unusual amount of time daydreaming and reminiscing about his past with Mendez. “After they broke up, Ray started to space out a lot,” said longtime friend Ron Haskins. “It’s like, we’ll be sitting watching football and all of a sudden Ray will get this weird look on his face and start talking about the time he and Suzanne went camping at Oak Creek some weekend. He still insists on living over there too, which is pretty creepy.” Maldonado allegedly cordoned off the northeast corner of Suzanne’s apartment behind the sofa about a week after the breakup and has since remained there with a small collection of personal items and a sleeping
bag. “The breakup was really hard for Ray,” said his mother, Janine Maldonado. “I know that Suzanne meant a lot to him and that’s why he spends so much time thinking about her and squatting illegally in a dusty corner of her apartment.” Though Maldonado’s life is on hold as he is currently reluctant to live in the present, his friends remain hopeful that he will “snap out of it.” According to Haskins, this is not the first time that Maldonado has abandoned the present in order to live in the past. “Ray does this every once in a while. I remember last year when Pedro’s Tacos stopped offering the Double Trouble Taco Special for $1.89. He kept on going there for weeks afterward, demanding that they give him two tacos for $1.89, and then hiding out in their bathroom for hours on end.” Psychologist Earl Atkins confirms that it is not uncommon for people to try and re-live relationships which have had a positive influence on them. “It sounds to me like Ray is simply going through a phase of withdrawal. When people feel that confronting the future may be too difficult a task at a
photo by Tim Koster
Ray Maldonado sets up camp behind his ex's sofa. moment in their lives, it’s a perfectly normal response to try and regain an aspect of that relationship, reminisce or hibernate in a corner of somebody else’s home for a couple of months, eating nothing more than trapped mice and stale snack foods that have fallen behind the sofa.” When asked about the situation, Mendez said that she hopes Maldo-
nado will come to his senses and get on with his life. “Ray is such a smart guy, and once he gets out of my apartment and starts dating again I’m sure he’ll find somebody else that he can have fun with, care for and hopefully live with.” Mendez also stated that she hopes Ray will soon leave in advance of the apartment building's impending fumigation next week.
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The MQ
Small College Satire Paper Publishes Special Issue to Get Jobs at “The Daily Show”
photo by Colin Parent
Dead sexy Jon Stewart studies the MQ for fresh material. By Jasmine de Lung Managing Editor The WG, a small satire-based humor newspaper at the University of Santa Barbara, discarded their usually base, sexually lewd and grotesque jokes for more high-brow and nationally accessible content in their latest issue, Wednesday. Waylin Marent, the Editor-in-Chief of the WG, claimed the purpose of this drastic change was so he could “get a job at ‘The Daily Show’” and “maybe show [his] parents the paper for
once.” The paper’s administrative advisors supported the idea, but there were mixed reactions from the other editors and staff who were afraid jokes about sackedup dead babies wouldn’t make it in this issue. Said Marent at a weekly staff meeting, “I’m afraid there just isn’t a place for terms like ‘Hot-boxing the office’, ‘raw clit’, and ‘salad-tosser’ in this issue.” He explained that the purpose of this issue was to impress potential employers of esteemed humorous news publications and
television shows, such asThe Onion and “The Daily Show” (hosted by the hilarious and uncontrollably sexy Jon Stewart), with credible satire. Other staff writers and designers had complaints that the formatting of the paper did not give credit where it was due. Some assistant editors tried to have their titles changed to “Super-Ultra Important No-I’m-theBest Executive Editor Editor,” while managing editor Jessica d'Oklahoma suggested that all editors be listed as “Editor-inChief” in the staff box. Great efforts have been made to produce the most polished and professional-looking issue ever. An extra reminder e-mail to turn in articles was sent out, an unprecedented four graphics were handed in when due, and the idea for the centerspread was decided a whole night before production. Even d'Oklahoma, who since being promoted to her current position “hasn’t done a goddamn thing the whole year,” wrote three articles for the issue in hopes of capitalizing on its public worthiness. Marent is optimistic that this issue will really “catch the eye” of "The Daily Show's" hiring committee, assuming they read it. He’s already quit three of his five jobs in order to be available for interviewing and “starting immediately.”
The MQ Staff: A bunch of poor, jobless saps who will write for food, or sex. “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ, as publishers of the MQ, are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” All content is copyright © 2003 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. This issue is the literary equivalent of a concept album — a desperate attempt to graft coherent meaning onto something that is, at its core, a haphazard collection of vaguely related ideas and themes. In our case we’re going national, leaping out of the nest that is UCSD and flying free. One can’t really blame us. Think about it for a moment. Most of us are about to graduate, to be violently thrust into a world of soul-crushing repetition and meaningless employment. We might as well try to indulge the most obscure corners of hope and force this paper into something that could result in a job. What better way to sidestep the dual spectres of responsibility and maturity? How else are we to apply the only productive things we’ve learned? I mean, christ, some of us are majoring in Political Science and Literature and shit. We don’t want to live in no cardboard boxes! We’re getting jobs, real jobs, taking our little pool of talent out of the gutters. Mommy, we’re going national.
March 5, 2003
NEWS IN BRIEF Skateboarder Eats It, Pretends He Didn’t Local skateboarder Kevin Alavardo ate it hard Thursday afternoon at Crescent Skate Park in Santa Cruz before quickly getting up and pretending nothing had happened. According to witness Ian Thorp, Alavardo “totally ate shit. About halfway through the rotation on a 360 Backside Fallie, he slipped and fell down three or four stairs and cracked his dome on a trashcan.” Alavardo then jumped up, grabbed his skateboard, and continued to skate with a bloodied face and minor concussion. Also witness to Alavardo’s accident were two other skaters, an ice cream vendor, and that cute skater girl that Alavardo has been trying to impress.
Dog Show Commentators Spend Three Hours Building Up to Moment of Comic Relief
During the Sporting Dogs Event of the Westminster Dog Show, co-commentators Mark Frei and Chester McEwin worked together for three hours of the segment to provide their home viewers with a brief moment of comic relief. In the discussion of the 7th contestant running in the Sporting Dogs event, Frei commented that “this Irish Water Spaniel is named ‘Shania’,” inspiring McEwin to respond, “not Twain mind you,” which caused cocommentator Frei to chuckle.
Scientists Discover Nothing New or Exciting This Week
Waves of panic swept the scientific community as it was reported Monday that there is nothing new to report. Spokeswoman Sharon
Saunders of the Senate Committee of Interesting Scientific Stuff announced that there was “nothing at all important to bother reporting. We thought at one point that we might be able to discuss an interesting new treatment for oral herpes, but we later determined that it was just a modified version of an earlier treatment.” Saunders made tentative promises about “unveiling a new type of laser or some kind of HIV-devouring super-steroid” sometime next week in order to make up for this week’s lack of cool scientific breakthroughs.
Doctoral Thesis Eaten by Canine
The 47-page doctoral thesis of Maynard Thomson, 27, was consumed by his Labrador-German shepherd mix Tuesday, negating months of research, writing, and editing. The thesis, which examined the sociological impact of the post-modern art movement, was ingested after Thomson left it on his desk while he took a shower. Thomson was unavailable for comment, but acquaintances say he is “devastated” by the incident and considering putting the dog, Lenina, up for adoption.
Woman Sues Herbal Essences for Failing to Bring Her to Orgasm
Clairol, Inc., the maker of the intensely popular Herbal Essences line of hair and skincare products, is facing a $5 million lawsuit brought by Marjorie Keller, a woman who “failed to achieve the window-rattling orgasm that the product’s commercials led her to believe would occur upon using the product.”
MQ Staff
Editor in Chief..........................Colin Par ent Managing Editor..................Jasmine de Lung Content Editor.........................Marianne Madden Asst. Content Editor......................Tim Koster Design Editor........................................Liz Erwin NYC Correspondent....................David Hughes Layout Bitch......................Laura Schniedwind Graphics Whore..........................Andy Collins Asst. Design Editor..........................Joe Hicken Asst. Design Editor..............Kathryn Panian Webmaster.............................Michael Truex Recruitment................................Dori Myer Social Director.........................Carol Freire Business Manager...........................Lisa King Copy Editor...................................Carly Young MQ Mom.................................Laura Paajanen MQ Dad......................................Adam Armstead Unsuccessful Chaperone................Justin Williams Sr. Staff Member................................Zank Sr. Staff Member...............Nick Lieberknecht Sr. Staff Member.................James Meeker Muir Advisor..............................Jill Corrales
MQ Staff Members Robin Averbeck Luke Barrington Danny Barron Loren Baxter Diana Blazick Daniel Barron Jen Bulgin Dale Burner Megan Spence Kevin Damp Diana Dao Darren Dieguez Jon Gower
Lars Ingelman Lisa Kodakek Gabe Kreb David Lin George Lin Will Linton Alex (the girl) Greg Mallis Salik Mansoor Kayti Mathewson Mike Mullan Riley Pearce Dahlia Peterson
Bobby Radigan Kurt Rifbjerg Jeff Robertson Anne Rutledge Carlo Santos Brian Seibert Emma Silvers Joe Simonis Ben Sweitzer Martin Vakil Jacob Ward Leroy Merkin Hot Amy's Underpants
MQ Booster Club James, for his cookies. Dahlia, for her cupcakes. Ben, for his Big Screen TV. Carly, for turning a blind eye.
The MQ
March 5, 2003
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Stalled Elevator Causes Awkward Six Hour Silence By Dori Myer Staff Writer Four local men found themselves uncomfortably trapped in an elevator for six silent hours last Thursday. After initially getting on the elevator with their eyes transfixed on the gum-stained, oak-paneled floor, the men attempted to avoid any type of human contact during the entire delay, sources say. “At one point, I think in the second hour, I gave a slight nod to another guy, but he only glared at me and very rudely stared at the little red light stuck on the number seven at the top of the elevator,” stated Jerry Dickens. “I felt really uneasy when Jerry shook his head at me,” claimed victim Fred Dickens. “I thought it was supposed to be proper elevator etiquette to cease all conversation and interaction and stare blankly
ahead or at the blinking lights at the top of the elevator.” Two of the men had apparently been in a heated debate over the socioeconomic status of Christian Death Cults before stepping into the elevator, investigators reported. Witnesses described the conversation as having to do with barn-raising and impregnating goats, but it ceased in mid-sentence as the men entered the elevator. “I guess I was always taught that the elevator has a mystical quality that forbids conversation. I just wasn’t sure if the other people on the elevator would feel comfortable if I began speaking during our time together for six hours. In retrospect, we probably should've called for help or devised a plan to escape,” said survivor Roger McGovern. The silence remained even as one of the main cables on the elevator broke, cutting the electricity
Four men stand uncomfortably silent in a broken elevator. and leaving the car dangling unstably for three hours. At this point, sources say, each victim proceeded to go to a seperate corner of the elevator, whereupon they intermittently cleared their throats before emitting small sniffling noises. “When noxious gas from the broken cable’s hydraulics system started seeping in through the ceil-
ing, one guy started mumbling the Lord’s Prayer, but I think he could feel our discomfort and realized he was really just invading our personal space, so he stopped midway,” McGovern confirmed. According to police, after the elevator was opened and the fire department removed the dazed men, each victim described the
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photo by Colin Parent
events in great detail. They even exchanged short hugs as if they had always known each other, then discussed plans for a previously scheduled racquetball game. It was later revealed that McGovern and Anthony Toolessy have been friends since kindergarten and that Jerry and Fred Dickens are brothers.
Reasons I Hate My Life
10. Sandpaper condoms 9. I have a small penis 8. 'Cause you're not in it, baby 7. Persistent burning sensation 6. I smell like cabbage 5. Rubbing my man-tits just isn't the same 4. Jesus doesn't love me like I wish he would 3. My inflatable doll is on the rag 2. I'm a disadvantaged female minority with Tourette's 1. I have a fork in my eye photo by Carol and Kathryn
UN Security Council Takes Half TOP TEN Day Off for Pool Party Joschka Fisher saves Jack Straw from choking on a hazardous cocktail hot dog.
By Dahlia Peterson Staff Writer Wishing to take a break from heightened international tensions and heated floor debates, the United Nations Security Council voted to take a half-day off Friday and hold a pool party at Secratary General Kofi Annan’s house. The party began at two o’clock in Annan’s backyard. Russian Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov was the first to arrive. Soon after Ivanov’s arrival was that of Jack Straw, the British Foreign Secretary. Straw said, “It is important not to let all of this foolishness and bitterness get to us. We’re still people like everyone else. So, in order to keep politics out of this, there’s a penalty for talking about Iraq. Anytime Iraq is mentioned, we'll have to put a quarter, or a few hundred yen, into a Jiffy Peanut butter jar. The money will go to Iraqi refugees.” As the sun started to beat down on the attendees, Mrs. Annan
brought out a box of Fudgesicles. Chinese Foreign Minister, Tang Jiaxuan, was almost in tears after his Fudgesicle fell onto the ground, but according to anonymous sources, Mrs. Annan comforted him with a homemade yogurt pop. Ana Palacio, Spanish Foreign Minister, complained about not having any “tunes” to listen to. After fishing through his son’s CD collection, Annan put Sugar Ray’s “Fly” into the CD player. The party’s atmosphere began to lighten immediately. German Foreign Minister Joschka Fisher challenged French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin to a “bounce off” on the Annans’ trampoline. While the Western Europeans battled for the title of “Bounce King,” Igor Ivanov of Russia swung from the tree swing into the Annan’s pool. Jiaxuan wailed in fear as the splash from Ivanov’s plunge nearly knocked him out of his water wings.
“Stay close to the edge, Tang!” Syrian Ambassador Mikhail Wehbe called to Jiaxuan. Wehbe was in charge of the barbeque, despite refusing to cook any of the seasoned pork chops Fisher brought. All seemed to be going well until Jack Straw began choking on a mini hot dog while trying to describe Michael Jackson in a game of charades. Jiaxuan clutched his bottle of Tang while Fischer administered the Heimlich Maneuver. After the incident, the Foreign Ministers soon began to feel lethargic from their long day in the sun. Jack Straw collected his Trackball set while Ana Palacio finished writing a Spanish rice recipe for Mrs. Annan. The Council exchanged handshakes and hugs before returning to their tiring jobs. “That was just what we needed to wind down,” Annan said while smearing aloe on his sunburned nose.
Reasons You Pushed that Old Lady Down the Stairs
10. You enjoy breaking social contracts 9. Self-defense 8. Thought she was a toddler 7. She reminded you of your mother 6. She rebuked your advances 5. You didn’t mean to, but you didn’t realize the consequences of riding your motorcycle on the fourth floor of the old folks’ home 4. You hate old people 3. Kevorkian was booked for the month 2. You wanted to field-test the new staircase design 1. She was asking for it
Reason to join the MQ: The only humor newspaper on campus you can show to prospective employers
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The MQ
March 5, 2003
G.I. Joes Denied Veterans’ Benefits Mike Mullan Staff Writer The members of America’s fight’nest squad, the G.I. Joes, expressed their frustration in a Congressional hearing Monday after being denied disability compensation by the United States Department of Veterans’ Affairs. Past G.I. Joe members, including General Hawk, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Duke, Sgt. Slaughter and G.I. Joe Lobbying Director Carla Mendoza delivered emotional testimonies before the Senate Veterans’ Affairs committee. In her statement before the committee, Mendoza made it clear that “G.I. Joe soldiers who no longer serve the force deserve the benefits they were promised.” The senior member of the G.I. Joe force, Gen. Hawk, further suggested that the disappointing processing of disability claims among the Joes “is obviously just another one of Cobra’s schemes to avenge the countless evil plans thwarted by our valiant veterans.” Lackluster processing of G.I. Joe claims at the Department of Veterans Affairs has recently drawn Congressional attention. Snake Eyes, who is blind from injuries sustained in Vietnam, and Sgt. Slaughter, who has reportedly been grappling with various chemical dependencies since leaving the G.I. Joes, told their stories before the Committee. Department of Veterans’Affairs representative Vipra Sidewinder drew the ire of retired Joes and
lawmakers alike at today’s proceedings when she attempted to justify the Department’s actions to the committee. “These soldiers are nowhere near disabled. Sgt. Slaughter has always been unstable, and I for one have seen Snake Eyes take down scores of faceless Cobra lackeys with deadly marksmanship in his current state.” She continued, “As for Duke, do you expect us to seriously consider claims involving wounds suffered from a straightened-out snake used as a spear?” Freshman Senator and former G.I. Joe Beach Head now serves on the Veterans’ Affairs Committee and was quick to counter Sidewinder’s assessment of the situation. The senator asked spokeswoman Sidewinder, “How could you understand the strain of taking on gigantic centipedes bent on destruction and mayhem?” Beach Head and other retired Joes in attendance were clearly unmoved by her evasive response. Although the G.I. Joes’ operations have been suspended lately due to a lack of young recruits, low Cobra activity, and a decline in ratings, public interest has intensified with the suggestion of a looming Cobra attack. While a traditional demolition rush on the Statue of Liberty or an attempt to steal the Broadcast Energy Transmitter seems more likely, the Joes hope to remind the American people that they must remain vigilant about damaging legislative and regulatory maneuvers as well. In testimony before the committee, Gen. Hawk worked to
photo by Liz Erwin
Representitives Duke and General Hawk make the plight of the veteran G.I. Joes known to Congress, because knowing is half the battle. establish a direct connection between Sidewinder and Cobra in an effort to strengthen the case for restoration of retired Joe benefits. “Just listen to her name – Vipra Sidewinder!” Hawk proclaimed before warning, “If we don’t recognize Cobra’s nefarious plot now, prospective G.I. Joe recruits will quickly switch to the evil Cobra Army.”
Mendoza’s remarks also alluded to the Cobra-Sidewinder connection and attacked the Cobra Army ad campaign that has been fueling the fire of discontent among Joe veterans. The feelgood ads depict retired Cobra elite Crimson Guards receiving prompt and affordable medical attention. Cobra Commander is also featured residing comfortably
Local Man Bets Extremely TOP Small Sum on Trivial Topic TEN
photo by Colin Parent
Coworkers engage in an inconsequential office bet of respiratory retention for a measly two dollars. By Kathryn Panian Assistant Design Editor Jared Russ, financial advisor at Lewis Computing and father of two, placed a bet of $2.00 Wednesday on whether or not co-worker Anthony Clark could hold his breath for one full minute. Immediately afterwards the office atmosphere had been described as “tense” as the two middleaged men prepared to set the record straight once and for all. When asked for comment, Senior Corporate Manager of Lewis Computing Carlos Nakamura, said “Jared’s a wild card. He’s a real loose cannon. I mean, on casual Fridays he
was the first to wear one of those Hawaiian-style shirts, and at our annual Christmas parties he really chugs the eggnog, but betting? Nah. He plays it safe.” Nakamura reminisced, “I remember this one time at our Superbowl party, we all tried to get Jared in the five-dollar pool. He was convinced that the Packers would win, but decided that the stakes were ‘too high.’ Instead, he tried to bet me a buck that I couldn’t catch ten consecutively thrown pretzels in my mouth. I was up to eight when my knee gave out. Jared seemed pretty pleased.” Jared’s decision to bet on such an event comes as no surprise to Susan
Russ, his wife of 17 years. “Jared’s a practical man. He likes his clothes neatly pressed, his food promptly served, and his bets small.” Jared’s practical-mindedness can be charted throughout the course of the couple’s marriage, from the purchase of their first car, a Toyota Corolla, to their decision to buy a “trendy, yet efficient” convertible sofa-bed. “Jared seemed particularly proud of that buy,” admitted Mrs. Russ, “and I have to say, using that two-for-one coupon to buy those pillows to go along with the sofa-bed certainly saved us some much-needed rainy day money.” Reactions were equally peaked towards the topic of the bet. Fellow coworker Carl Jackson remarked, “I’m proud of Jared. He’s got principles. He feels strongly about the issue of respiratory retention and stands up for it. I mean, the average person can only hold their breath for 30 seconds. But a minute? Come on!” The bet commenced immediately after the office’s lunch hours began, and after the passage of 46 seconds Russ left a breathless and wheezing Clark two dollars the poorer as he beamingly accepted two crisp one dollar bills. Though Clark lost the bet with Russ, he has plans of his own for reclaiming his lost money. “I really think if I challenge Jared to an office chair race down the hallway to the water cooler and back to the Xerox machine, I could take him,” he boasted. “Jared may be able to shoot a rubber band farther than anyone else in the office, but with all the wind sprints I’ve been doing, I can’t lose!”
in a condo-style retirement home in Miami. G.I. Joes and their Congressional supporters demanded to know throughout the hearing whether the ads were in fact sponsored through the Department of Veterans’ Affairs. Sidewinder could only be quoted as giving a war cry, and then quickly scaling a wall to safety.
Ways to Protect Yourself Against Terror
10. Wear a condom 9. Buy a bigger SUV 8. Chemically-induced coma 7. Don’t talk to any underrepresented minorities 6. Retreat to your Y2K survival cell 5. Pepper-spray anything that moves 4. Keep your nightlight on 3. Never leave your house 2. Live in a constant state of denial 1. Bomb Iraq
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Ways to Sow Your Seed
10. With a horse-drawn plow 9. At gunpoint 8. Hookers 7. Sleeping friends 6. Semen grenades 5. Marinated tampons 4. Exploding condoms 3. Wirelessly 2. With a needle and thread 1. Cropduster
March 5, 2003
The MQ
Microsoft Introduces Products to Revolutionize How Computer Users Pray
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Point–Counterpoint: Driving What a Beautiful Day for a Drive with my Children
By Cynthia Bilodeau How wonderful! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and my beautiful angels are playing rambunctiously in the back seats. What a beautiful day to drive my children to their youth sporting event. It’s fortunate that I found this reasonably-priced, well-protected family minivan with which to
transport my precious cargo at a cautious 35 miles per hour. On a day like this, a woman can feel like she’s queen of the world; of course, the only true ruler is our Lord in Heaven. Oh dear me, a squirrel has inadvertently wandered onto the dangerous freeway. Although I am sure he is in no danger, I will reduce my speed so that he will know that I care. Children, look. The elderly couple in the lane beside us is slowing down too. Wave to them, children. How thoughtful of them to slow down for the helpless creatures. What saints. Why shouldn’t we let the squirrels enjoy life as much as we do? Ooh, I love this song. I’ll turn up KRST, my Christian rock station, but not too loud. How lucky I am to have my health and my beautiful children. I just want to pull the car off the road, climb into the backseat, and hug them. Angels.
Move the Fuck Over, Soccer Mom
By Adam Armstead
photo by Colin Parent
A choir member becomes the first in her congregation to sing an eHymn. By Colin Parent Editor-in-Chief At a software industry convention Monday, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates unveiled a series of new products designed for the unique needs of the world’s religious communities. This most recent endeavor by the Redmond, Washington software giant to increase revenues comes from a newly-created design unit within Microsoft named the “More Invasive Technology Division” (MITD). Microsoft’s new religious technology products include wirelessly networked hymnals, congregational tithing through MSN eWallet and text-based teleconfessionals. The crux of Microsoft’s newest venture centers around a software application tentatively named “Microsoft’s eWorshipXP Digital Religion Suite.” A spokesman for Microsoft’s MITD, Robert Helm, held a press conference following Gates’ announcement. “eWorshipXP will
allow religious leaders to expand the array and scope of the services they provide to their congregations. Too long have the faiths of the world been shackled to revered and time-tested technologies.” “I actually had no idea we were in need of this sort of utility,” said Alexander J. Brunett, the Catholic Archbishop of Seattle. “But I guess we look forward to purchasing the software and paying for the extended service plan.” Brunett also conveyed Rome’s excitement at the prospect of retraining millions of priests, deacons and altar boys who, before Microsoft’s announcement, had performed their tasks sufficiently for thousands of years. Helm expects eWorshipXP to cater to a wide variety of religions. “Muslim users will be able to receive desktop alerts for when to pray. Full integration with Microsoft StreetSmarts, featuring MapPoint GPS technology, will ensure prayers are only made while facing directly towards Mecca,” said
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Helms. “Jews will be able to email prayers to the Western Wall from any wireless PocketPC or Microsoft Smart Phone.” Known for anticipating market trends and developing products to fill the expected demand, Microsoft expects eWorshipXP to be just the first foray into what it refers to as “the religious sector.” Begun exclusively as a software company, Microsoft has consistently expanded its enterprise to include web-content, consulting and networking hardware. “eWorshipXP is just the beginning of a new product expansion plan,” said Helm, “which will include such digitally neglected market sectors as subsistence farming and people who eat oatmeal for breakfast. There’s a fantastic array of daily life that is not yet a part of the information age” Helm continued, stating, “we here at Microsoft want to do something about that.” He forecast public interest in upcoming projects such as the Web-Enabled Toilet and Wireless Burrito.
Tuesdays, 6pm Half Dome Lounge (Muir College)
Oh come on! This is called the fast lane for a reason. Move the fuck over, you goddamn soccer mom. I didn’t buy this overpriced, high-performance sport utility vehicle to cruise at a ridiculous 35 miles per hour on the freeway. Damn skank pops a few larvae from her vagina and thinks she’s queen of the road. What? Why are you braking?
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The only cars for miles around are the three in the lanes beside you who for some reason all insist on driving at the exact same fucking snail’s pace. I also notice that the “I brake for absolutely no goddamn fucking good reason” bumper sticker is conspicuously absent. Oh, I see, a furry woodland creature that ventured onto the fucking freeway was in danger of being crushed beneath the wheels of your gas-efficient Familymobile. How thoughtful of you to slow down for it. What a saint. Let the squirrels have a good life while I’m forced to suffer in agony behind you. I can see by your bulbous head bobbing up and down that you are enjoying both the shitty music you’re listening to and the bloodcurdling shrieks of your Devil-spawn. Lucky for you I’m not a violent man. Otherwise I’d run your fucking Aerostar off the road, tear all five of your children from their seats, and skullfuck them. Bitch.
Recurring Bush Dreams
10. Demancipation Proclamation 9. Having sex with the Gore Family 8. Having son, keeping up the family business 7. Not studying for Thursday’s spelling quiz 6. Leading a divided and apathetic nation. Into war 5. Guns growing on trees 4. Oil spurting on daughter’s faces 3. Jumbo size packs of Rold Gold pretzles 2. Sprouting prehensile tail, swinging freely through trees 1. Everyone in class laughing at him
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The MQ
March 5, 2003
Future Careers of World Leaders Saddam Hussein Day Care Specialist After making a name for himself by defying U.S. hegemony and gassing his own citizens, Saddam Hussein’s future as a daycare specialist would allow him to put many of his previous government experiences to use in the private sector. A significant aspect of child care is the responsibility to enforce discipline, and nothing prepares a disciplinarian better than decades of ruling an oppressive autocratic police state. Also, Hussein’s great with kids. Playtime Activities: Qualifications: • Ring around the mounds of • Loving and caring Kurdish corpses • Subdues rowdy children easily by taking away cookies, juice, • Teaches practical skills during arts and crafts time, such as basic human rights pipebomb, execution of politi• Licensed by the state of Arcal prisoners kansas
Condoleezza Rice Model Republican House Wife Rice has earned a Ph.D., taught at Stanford University, and advised the most powerful White House of the last half century. But her accomplishments in public life do not fulfill the need for a traditional conservative family. After exploring her professional interests, she may divert her extraordinary talents toward baking, minivan piloting, and squirting out babies. Qualifications: • National Security Advisor for the George W. Bush Administration • Interned one summer in college with a Conservative Committee on Traditional Family Values
Goals as Housewife: • Make the perfect quiche • Brokering a peace agreement between warring playground factions • Keeping her man happy and doing as she’s told
Kim Jong Il Base Player for Aerosmith Kim Jong Il has spent his 12-year rule over North Korea indulging in imported cognac, steaks and women. His despotic communist dictatorship has resulted in the impoverishment of a nation within the heart of the East Asian economic boom. Il’s potential music career could help the tyrannical overlord of North Korea capture the international attention he craves, without all the mess associated with nuclear holocaust. Qualifications: • Comes pre-packaged with a country full of loyal groupies • Already big in Korea Hit Single: • “I’ll Drop Tha Bomb 4 U” Debut Album: • “I Have a Nuclear Weapons Program”
The MQ: A wonderful time, especially ‘cause you get to meet all the most charming, attractive, and exciting people in Southern California, ‘sides yourself, dahlin’
March 5, 2003
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Margaret Thatcher Lackluster Poetess
Fidel Castro Late-Night Talk Show Host Qualifications: Fidel Castro’s oratory is known to be almost as lengthy as his cruel and despotic regime. After the stresses of controlling a rouge nation like Cuba, Castro would be eager to spend the twilight of his life in a manner which allows him to practice his favorite hobby - listening to his own voice. Both FOX and UPN are currently bidding on the rights to his proposed show, “All Night with Fidel! And the next day, and the next night!” Qualifications: • Already has Elian Gonzales lined up for sidekick • Has the charisma to overthrow a country and maintain an iron grip for over 40 years
Future Guests: • Joan Embry and the exotic animals of the San Diego Zoo • The Olsen twins • Ché Guevara’s corpse
Jacques Chirac Dealer at Paris, Las Vegas The first female prime minister of England gained the reputation of steely resolve that earned her the nickname “The Iron Lady”. After her appointment as a member of the House of Lords, she may find an opportunity to pursue the proud English tradition of imprecise, stilted emotionally bankrupt poetry. Qualifications: • Solid iron construction • Hero of British left • Ugly girls write better poetry • She’s only had sex twice Sample: There once was a minister prime, Whose poetry never would rhyme, Her poems weren’t good, Tried hard as she could, So then she retired to the House of Lords of the Lime. Ee’s. Limeys.
After an unprecedented career as a leader of the French Left, Chirac can look forward to being a culturally exploited caricature of a French person at Paris, Las Vegas. As a blackjack dealer, Chirac can look forward to refuting predominate French stereotypes by bathing at least once a week, refraining to veto UN Security Council resolutions, and by speaking only in French, despite his complete fluency in English. Costume: • Baguette and beret • Horizontally striped black and white shirt • Sweaty, neglected armpits Qualifications: • Surrenders lots of winnings • World’s foremost expert on French polity
Pope John Paul II Used Car Salesman
Kofi Annan Durex Condoms Spokesperson UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has been a tireless advocate for broad, international concerns. After decades fighting world hunger and brokering peace accords, Kofi Annan can use his experience with fighting the world AIDS epidemic by becoming a spokesperson for Durex brand condoms. Annan could use his prominence and notoriety to give support to an issue he feels strongly about, much like former U.S. Senator Bob Dole. Qualifications: • Secretary General of the UN • As an international mediator, world renowned Kofi Annan can direct his experience toward having people come together... in the bedroom
Career advice provided by Quarty, the MQ’s lovable line-art mascot, and author of Careers You Can Work With: Employing Your Aptitude by Lowering Your Standards.
Slogans: • Use Durex condoms to extend the time of your erection, and the economic viability of your depressed third world nation.
After serving decades as the supreme authority for all living Catholics on Earth, Pope John Paul II could easily resign as pontiff to work as a used car salesman. Potential customers won’t be leery of the sales pitch from a withered old man, but he’ll know just what to say to sell them that broken-down Chrysler La Saber, because he is completely infallible.
Qualifications: • Unloaded the first Pope-mobile off on the Dalai Lama, and sold him an undercoating for a 20% mark-up Sales Tactics: • Get customers drunk off the Blood of Christ • Free tickets to Christmas mass at the Vatican • Free absolvement with purchase of car
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The MQ
March 5, 2003
Phillip Morris Introduces Heroin Cigarettes Addictive product could clean city streets and foster a new generation of more health-conscious teenage junkies By Dori Myer Recruitment Editor Had you asked 17-year-old Doug Bengdon one year ago if he had ever tried a tobacco cigarette, he would have scoffed at you in disgust and explained that “cigarettes are for jerks.” Then he would have asked you to tighten his tourniquet before shooting up some cool, calming black tar heroin. Six months ago, however, he turned his back to the syringe and embraced the newly created Junkie Stix®, the new form of smokable heroin from the Phillip Morris Company. “I was really into cooking up, don’t get me wrong. But when some greasy dude in a suit with bloodshot eyes knocked on my shanty door and demanded that I try his new heroin cigarette, I couldn’t really say no. Junk is junk, y’know?” said Bengdon. Junkie Stix® — now sold primarily in supermarkets in Detroit, Los Angeles, and Fargo — are targeted at “the laziest and most depressed heroin addicts,” according to Phillip Morris spokesman Brian Jones. At a press conference for this legalized form of heroin, Jones stated, “This new, unconcentrated form of heroin will definitely fly well with the kids. You can get
the look of Kurt Cobain with the euphoria of breathing through your iron lung.” In response to criticism that marketing heroin toward adolescents is a horrific act of human hatred and societal degeneracy, Jones had no reply other than a quick fumble of fingers, a cock of the shoulders, and an utterance of “word to your mother.”
quiet Surgeons General who feel that nicotine is too addictive and causes cancer. With conservative fundamentalists centering their arguments against heroin cigarettes and the marketing towards children, forgotten nicotine sales will surely rise as a new breed of smack smokers will be the targeted villains in the war against hardcore drug smoking.” “The only bummer,” says Bengdon, “is that the heroin cigarettes are still gonna be really expensive. Twenty smokes in a box, that’s like, what, half an ounce of puregrade heroin? I dunno, it’s gonna cost a good eight-hundred bucks for that shit. But I’m still gonna buy them like my life depended on it.” After a moment’s pause he added, “maybe then I could get the ladies, too. I know my strung-out body, thinning hair, regular constipation, and hollowed-out eyes would look pretty sexy next to a Junkie Stix®, eh ladies? Eh?” If initially successful, Junkie Stix® will be sold in supermarkets and convenience stores nationwide. The American Consumer Protection Agency praised Junkie Stix® as “a healthier alternative to the body-damaging, archaic medicinal trends associated with intravenous injections.”
Junkie Stix®... are targeted at “the laziest and most depressed heroin addicts.”
photo by Dori Myer
Doug Bengdon is one of many users of the new Junkie Stix®. Kraft Heroin Nips await June release.
TOP TEN
Signs Your Girlfriend Isn’t a Keeper
Point-Counterpoint:
Grocery Store Check-Out Did You Find Everything You Were Looking For Today, Sir?
10. Discovery of a penis in her pants 9. She’s older than 8 8. She burned the pot roast 7. Her CD collection isn’t sufficiently alphabitized 6. Daily demonic possession 5. Has bad habit of menstruating 4. She’s not a nympho 3. Meth addiction 2. Lazy eye 1. She keeps using your razor on her asshole
TOP TEN
Ways to Bomb a Job Interview
10. Clean your gun 9. Repeatedly call Psychic Hotline to see how you’re doing 8. Insist on separate interviews for separate personalities 7. With a moving truck full of fertilizer 6. Gnaw your chair, interviewer’s shoes 5. Ask for a letter opener to cut a line 4. Tattoo your resume on your chest 3. Introduce your blankie 2. Don’t wear a matching tie, diaper 1. Ask, “Who’s the ho in the picture frame?”
Despite the immediate public distaste for the new cigarette, Bengdon maintains that the new product has actually improved his health. “While I know that the sides of my lungs are slowly peeling off and melting into my pancreas, I feel so much better now that my six collapsed veins have healed,” he expounded. “I don’t know how Phillip Morris pulled this off, but I can’t wait for Kraft Heroin Nips. I’ll keep my habit forever. And that’s comforting. I’m a guaranteed customer for life.” The Phillip Morris Company’s corporate monopoly has further plans for Heroin Nips and Smacktoids mints, confirmed Jones. “This innovative form of cigarette,” said Jones, “will certainly
By Nancy F. Sir, do you have a Ralph’s Club Card? Oh, that’s great, thanks. Would you like paper or plastic today, sir? There’s a sale on soda in aisle 6B. If you use your club card, you can buy three six-packs for the price of two. Oh, and sir, I’d like to also tell
you about our weekly special on produce. Bananas are 40 cents off of the usual price. Did you hear that, sir? Will you be paying today in cash or check? Sir? Or credit? Sir, I don’t know why you’re giving me that look. Oh, cash, that’s great. Thanks a lot, sir. You have a great day now.
Fuck Off, I’m Not a “Sir” By Laura Schniedwind What? Excuse me, I am not a “sir.” Do I really look like a man to you? Are you that blind? See? Yeah, these are boobs. Look, just because I’m 6’-2” doesn’t mean you can get away with calling me a man. Lady, will you please stop calling me “sir?” It’s getting really irritating as I am clearly not a “sir.” Can’t you see I’m wearing a skirt and makeup? I’m even purchasing tampons. Yeah, my
The MQ:
whole family’s tall. We’re all over six feet. No really, I had a growth spurt in kindergarten that didn’t stop until high school. Paper, please. It’s always been like this. Sometimes I feel like a tree but I’m used to it by now. It’s also helpful at concerts. Of course, it does suck when it comes to finding dates, but I guess we all have our complaints. I’m paying in cash. Thanks. Next time this happens I’m showing you my ovaries and then kicking your ass.
It’s like a candle-lit dinner, a bottle of wine, and a large bed with satin sheets, except you have no idea how you got pregnant.
March 5, 2003
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Study Finds Total of 217 Ways to Skin a Cat By Luke Barrington Staff Writer A team of researchers from the University of Washington’s veterinary sciences faculty have just published the results of their groundbreaking three-year study into the various methods of feline flaying. The group used computer simulations as well as more traditional experiments to compile a comprehensive list of methods including the “banana peel,” the “vacuum-on-the-mouth” and the traditional “fillet-knife.” The team’s results were made public last Wednesday at the annual conference of the American Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA), which co-funded the project. “Every year, thousands of cats are maimed, tortured and murdered all over the globe by curious amateur cat-skinners trying to find out just how many ways you really can skin a cat,” said the ASPCA’s director,
Melvin E. Owens. “Well, now they know. The ASPCA is proud to have helped put this fascinating issue to rest.” The findings have resulted in a significant increase of what was previously thought to be the upper limit of cat-skinning methods. The team discovered many revolutionary new procedures such as the erosion of non-skin parts with acid and splicing of feline DNA with reptilian genes to breed cats which naturally shed their own skin, and then die. “Of course, in our findings, we considered only those techniques of cat de-dermifying which remove the dermis in toto,” explained Dr. Ron Hedwidge, the team’s chief researcher, “so the actual figure could be a lot higher if you include the shredding, exploding, and mincing groups.” As well as exploring the frontiers of science, it is hoped that the group’s work will result in a number of practical applications.
The fashion and fur industries have begun to adopt some of the new cat-skinning methods to more traditional pelt animals such as foxes, ermine and mink, and many leading fashionistas are already insisting that “cat fur is so hot right now.” Fast food chains are also looking at ways the discoveries can be used to improve efficiency and expand menus. KFC, an international restaurant chain, has licensed a particularly innovative method in which cats are flashfrozen in liquid nitrogen and then microwaved. Thawing occurs from the inside out, causing the frozen skin to crack off, leaving only the medium-rare feline flesh which can then be battered and fried. The research team now plans to investigate some other unproven zoological aphorisms, such as a comparison of the negative effects of canine barks versus bites and the validity of egg-counting as a means for chicken enumeration.
photo by Tim Koster
Researchers pose with several of their test subjects.
Attractive Woman Gives TOP Platonic Male Friend TEN Brief, Awkward Hug
Reasons to Raise the National Alert Level
10. We really want that oil 9. Bush’s re-election campaign 8. Michael Jackson is back in the spotlight 7. Orange matches Laura Bush’s dress 6. Spring Break for the Bush daughters 5. “Kangaroo Jack” sequel announced 4. Shits and giggles 3. Latex found to be cancerous 2. Orange is the new pink 1. Catastrophic nuclear strike
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photo by Colin Parent
Adrianna Olassamin reuctantly displays affection for platonic friend Joshua Lucas. By Carly Young Copy Editor Adrianna Olassamin, a 20-year old college student, gave platonic male friend Joshua Lucas a brief, awkward hug before her Gender Studies class last Tuesday. “Adrianna tells me every day that we’re ‘just friends’ and all,” Lucas said after the incident, “but she keeps sending me mixed signals. I mean, although the hug she gave me was brief, I could sense some serious ‘I-Want-You’ vibes coming from the warmth of her creamy skin.” Olassamin has vehemently denied the veracity of this and other such statements suggesting that she considers Lucas to be more than just a friend. “I mean, we spend a lot of time
together and all,” she admitted, “and sometimes I like to rest my head on his shoulder or hold his hand a little bit. But I tell him it means as much as the red line on a cheap home pregnancy test bought off the streets of the Tijuana ghettos: nothing.” “She’s driving me crazy,” Lucas confided to reporters. “It’s so awkward every time she touches me. I used to think she was just my platonic pal, even when she repeatedly came to our mutual class wearing skimpy shirts and tossing her silky hair behind her shoulders so I could eye her breasts. But when she began spearing me with lascivious glances and running her manicured fingers along the back of my neck, I just didn’t know what to think.” “Joshua is running in circles,” said Alex Mann, 21, Lucas’s best
friend. “She totally has him beneath the heel of her stiletto boots. She’s using him to fuel her self-esteem. He just doesn’t get it.” In response to Mann’s comment, Olassamin became defensive. “I’m not using anybody,” she insisted as she sat on Lucas’s lap and wrapped her tanned legs around his waist. “I’m just showing friendly affection.” “Adrianna’s words are even less precise than the mathematical calculations of NASA scientists,” Mann insisted. “She makes Joshua feel so awkward all the time.” Olassamin expressed disbelief and amusement at this statement. “It’s ridiculous that I could think of Joshua as more than just a friend,” she said, slowly running her hands down Lucas’s chest. “He’s like a brother to me.”
Things That Are Fun to Rub
10. A pendulous hornets’ nest 9. Three men in a tub 8. Fat people 7. A greased-up pig 6. Father Matthew’s “sacred” area 5. Myself 4. Cantaloupes 3. My erection against the cleft of your buttocks 2. The girl you just slipped Roofies 1. The beached whale on your lawn
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Things I’ll Do For a Dollar
10. Cut up my face 9. Not a goddamn thing 8. Show you a good time, sailor 7. Murder my own mother. Well, at least your mother 6. Steal a dollar 5. Give your glasses back 4. Vote 3. Spit in your food, you cheap tipper 2. A Bavarian jig 1. A supermodel
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Sony Unveils New Robotic Dog That Sheds, Barks Uncontrollably By Andy Collins Graphics Editor At a press conference delivered from Sony’s San Jose research and development branch yesterday, officials announced the sale of new, third-generation Aibos – robotic, artificially intelligent replacements for actual dogs and the actual warmth and interaction they provide. Aibo “Entertainment Robots” have been on sale since 1999 and continue to “provide tens of computer and electronicsobsessed Americans with scant justification for trudging through their meaningless lives,” according to Samuel Masamune, public relations head for Sony’s Aibo division. The new models, named Aibo 3! , will sport faux fur in several interchangeable neon colors that match real canine fur in terms of susceptibility to dirt, knotting, ticks, and fleas. As part of the presentation, Sony representatives revealed dozens of new or improved features designed to allow the $1500 animatron to more accurately fulfill the role of an actual household dog. After filling up special reservoirs within the machine’s back with real or synthetic urine and feces, the ‘pet’ will then be free to “spatter the interior of your domicile with an even coating of piss and shit, just like a real mutt. The spattering algorithm is done according to painstakingly refined algorithms,” according to a press release. The new Aibo will have many new distinctive features, including smelling other dogs’ anuses, having sex with all the other dogs in a 2-mile radius, and forcefully sniffing the crotches of all your
TOP TEN
Souvenirs From Your Weekend Trip to Tijuana
10. 12-year-old boy 9. Marines 8. The clap 7. An ice chest full of organs 6. A bullet wound 5. The runs 4. A deep sense of social shame combined with a profound fear of donkeys 3. A long talk with your parents after they see the Girls Gone Wild commercial 2. A deeper understanding of a rich cultural heritage 1. A racially insensitive, comically oversized sombrero photo by Andy Collins
Sony researchers show off their Aibo dog and one of its most revolutionary new features. houseguests to more accurately mimic actual dogs. Especially difficult, according to Masamune, was duplicating a real dog’s habit of attempting sexual intercourse with the legs of the humans around it. “Developing the leg-humping feature required dozens of prototypes and, due to the Aibo 3!’s ability to produce nearly two tons of pressure with its limbs, resulted in more than our fair share of shattered tibias, crushed fibulas and demolished knees during testing. The tests on children were particularly disappointing at first.” Added Masamune, “My only son was killed during the fi rst trial run of this very function after I volunteered him as the test subject. Doctors had never seen an entire leg separated from the torso so cleanly.” Spokesperson Michael Wang became visibly excited while revealing the final update to the
A Perspective:
third generation model. Once its owner tires of it and returns it to a Sony Store to have the artificial dog destroyed, one in five Aibo3!s will randomly play back pre-recorded whimpering sounds as a Sony technician sinks a red hot needle into its forehead and pierces the machine’s CPU. “And as with a real dog,” Wang explained, “Its expression of hopelessness in its final moments of life will further intensify your guilt and sadness in giving up on it.” In a brief interview following the conference, Masamune regretfully admitted that the Aibo3! still has yet to duplicate such canine feats as “providing its owner with even the slightest scrap of joy or pride” or “not fatally wounding infants or the elderly.” Such features are expected to be released in a $699.00 software upgrade within the next decade.
by Leroy Kanninen
I’d like to apply for a position as your boyfriend
I’m here to respond to a personal ad you placed in the Herald, Ms. Fischer. I brought my resume, and I’d like to apply for the open position as your boyfriend. I wasn’t sure from your advertisement whether you took walk-in appointments, so I hope you don’t mind that I looked up your street address online. I just figured I could come by for an interview, or at least schedule
March 5, 2003
something for later and pick up any paperwork you require. I was particularly interested in this position because of its description. “Cuddling, movies, and keeping things real” are all activities I enjoy. Although I do not have much experience working as a “low-maintenance” employee, I believe that I could adapt easily to it. Also, for practical reasons, I am interested in the position of your boyfriend because this location is near enough to my residence for an easy commute. Here’s a copy of both my resume and cover letter. As you can see, I have boyfriending experience. I’ve been a boyfriend to two different women for long-term periods during college, so I have committed relationship skills. I’ve also dated five women more casually, as I’ve discussed in my cover letter. I think that these realworld experiences have given me an opportunity to understand the wide array of expectations and responsibilities a boyfriend faces.
As for skills, I have a wide array of pertinent training that I can bring to this position. For previous positions, I’ve been responsible for buying flowers and cooking romantic dinners to serve by candlelight. One of my earlier positions required me to provide both nightly foot rubs and laundry service; however, these duties were not in my original job description, and they were my primary reasons for leaving. I can also type 50 words per minute and am proficient in Microsoft Office. Please feel free to contact me anytime if you have any questions. My contact information is in bold type on the top of my resume, and it’s also on my custom letterhead at the top of my cover letter. I do not have any other obligations at the moment, so I can start immediately. I look forward to hearing from you, Ms. Fischer.
Cell Phones Send Orchestra Into Cannibalistic Rage By Joe Simonis Staff Writer During the viola solo in Mozart’s 15th Opus in B flat, an unprecedented twelve cell phones went off, enraging the 108 members of the London Symphony Orchestra and sending them into a cannibalistic rage. The Queen of England, who was in attendance during the show, was not spared by the enraged musicians. She had been talking periodically on her handsfree phone throughout the show, upsetting most of the orchestra as well as the conductor, Charles Blacks; he later hung the Queen from the rafters, recalling, “I can’t stand those hands-free phones. It always looks like the people are talking to you, but they’re not. So I fucked up that bloody bitch.” Although 11 other cell phones went off, it was audience member Ryan Johansson’s ring tone that pushed the orchestra over the edge. Near the end of Robert Cooper’s solo, Johansson’s phone rang to the tune of “Sk8tr Boi” by Avril Lavigne, causing Cooper to play a fifth lower than was intended. “I love Avril,” stated Cooper, “But people need to have some bloody respect and turn off their cell phones. We only tell them 30 times. It’s written everywhere. I made it through the first eleven interruptions, but his totally threw me off and messed up my beautiful solo.” Fed up with this blatant courtesy violation, Cooper leapt over three rows of crowd members to get to Johansson, reared back and stabbed him in the throat with his viola bow. Cooper is said to have then ripped out Johansson’s trachea and smeared blood all over his face, in a ritualistic, pre-hunt fashion while allegedly yelling, “Try and talk now! Ketcha-eeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” The stunned audience began fleeing in all directions, screaming, and diving under chairs. Before Cooper could even motion to the other musicians to
join in, they had begun to attack crowd members. Percussionist Blade Smith couldn’t help but accompany his friend in the attack. “I had gotten so sick of hearing cell phones during Mozart that I had to taste human flesh.” And flesh he did taste. He ate liver, brains, eyes, buttock, and heart from seven separate members of the audience before he had his fill. All the members of the orchestra engaged in the melee, some from a distance. The cellists fashioned their instruments into bows and arrows with which they struck down frantic audience members. Tuba player Mike Rasmussen came prepared with a rocket launcher that he hid in the bell of his instrument, using it to decimate the audience members scrambling for the exits. “I was so pissed off at them and their bloody cellular phones. There was no way in bloody ‘ell they would make it out alive,” he stated. Rasmussen now plans to take three heads mounted on metal poles to every concert as a warning to audience members. Halfway through devouring a twenty-year-old woman, Blake Philmore, a trombonist, was heard to declare, “This is much better than Mozart.” Philmore, a practicing vegan, had no problem with eating other humans. “I still won’t eat the flesh of an animal that was senselessly killed by the meat industry,” he later said, “But these worthless scum are lower than animals for interrupting such a great piece of music.” After a bloody 45 minutes, over 9,000 members of the 10,000-plus crowd had been brutally slain and devoured by the enraged Symphony Orchestra, all of whom then promptly returned to the stage, where they were able to finish their performance without interruption from the remaining audience members. “That was more like it,” stated Blacks. At this time, authorities have repeatedly declined to press charges against the orchestra.
The MQ: It’s like an old friend who stops by every so often to borrow a cup of coffee and share a warm bed. But in newspaper format.
March 5, 2003
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A Perspective: Networks Compete by Jessica d’Oklahoma to Create Most Shallow Reality Show I’ve Had Many Lovers in My Life, But Robin Averbeck Staff Writer
dollars, a marriage to Hugh Hefner, and therapy from a leading Los Angeles psychiatrist. Reality dating shows, such In competition for the upcoming sweeps season, the television as “ElimiDate” and “The Third networks are locked in a fierce Wheel,” are also increasing the battle to spawn the next gen- competition. While the basic foreration of reality programming. mulas of the shows remain sound, Network promotions promise a networks are changing the caliber season “jam-packed with shows of the contestants to improve their that appeal to the most primitive, ratings. Different selection strategies include basic, and restricting animalistic contestants urges of We are coming out with a show to Britney humanity.” Spears fans A B C ’s that is going to take it up a and those “The Bach- notch. Instead of ‘how sexy are who score elorette,” below averfor exam- you,’ the question will be ‘how age on IQ ple, “puts a good of a lay are you?’ tests. Inside woman out information in front of also suga bunch of men and sets them loose to fight gests that the producers of “Jerry over the right to spread her legs Springer” and certain dating shows and their genes,” explains the have created a talent pool of guests, show’s producer, John Richardson. rotating them into one show and “It’s kinda like apes, who pound out of another to save money and their chests, battle each other and increase efficiency. In addition to these proposed inevitably mount the female in shows, FOX is considering the shows of dominance.” Shows such as “The Bach- release of a “Sexual Survivor” elorette” and “Are You Hot? The series. The show involves taking Search for America’s Sexiest 30 individuals, four or five of them People” have forced other major infected with various STDs, and networks to strive for higher levels seeing who can last the longest of thoughtlessness. “ABC might without getting infected. Highhave come up with the sexiest lights of the series are rumored to people show first,” comments include footage of the cast exfoliatNBC co-chairman Ron Douglas, ing with coconut rinds, throwing “but we are coming out with a herpes-laden javelins at each other, show that is going to take it up a and amputating infected sexual apnotch. Instead of how sexy are you, pendages. Not all networks are pandering the question will be, ‘How good of a lay are you?’” The show, to the lowest common denominatentatively named “Pornstar or tor of viewer, but Nielsen Ratings Clergy?”, will premiere sometime show that they’re doomed to fail, next month, and will feature one as PBS’s Thursday night premier male living and copulating with a of “Steven Hawking Presents: The dozen females, testing the sexual Meaning of Life” was soundly deprowess of each of the women. The feated by NBC’s “Saw Your Own winner will receive three million Leg Off.”
I’m Still Waiting for One to be Proud of
I’ve been in the dating pool for over 5 years now, and I’ve even told some of them that I love them, but I’m still waiting for a lover to be proud of. I would like to meet someone I
TOP TEN
can tell my parents about, or be seen with in front of other people. I just don’t want to cry in shame at night anymore because you’re 29 and live off your parents. Working at Chick Fil-A isn’t cool, dressing up as Mr. Rogers on Mondays isn’t sexy, and tonguing my bellybutton while I’m on the toilet is just plain nauseating. I wish you wouldn’t make that face during sex, test the temperature of your drinks with your fingers, or slap your own ass every 10 minutes. You seemed reasonably attractive and interesting when I met you—why must you spoil my pleasant illusion by being yourself? I just want to find someone who will open the door for me, be playfully romantic, surprise me with a romantic dinner, and
refrain from calling my mom up at three in the morning “just to chat.” Why is it that I have to choose between the guy who eats his scabs and the girl who shaves her back but still gets a five o’clock shadow? I’d rather have to deal with quirks like impulsive gift-buying and always wanting to try new things in bed. Where do those people exist?! All the attractive and funny Ph.D. students who like to bathe regularly and give head are taken! That leaves me with the shower-pissers, the sweat collectors, and you. I guess I’ll put up with your recitation of Biblical Psalms during foreplay until I find someone I can tell my friends about.
Reasons the Band Broke Up
10. Garage needed for second car 9. Dispute over groupie access 8. It wasn’t just about the drugs and sex anymore 7. It turns out we’re not even big in Japan 6. “The bastard stole my pick... and my car!” 5. Drummer lured away by lucrative career as a high-priced corporate litigator 4. Lost our direction, couldn’t find map 3. The world just wasn’t ready for our “Post-punk-indie-spoons-folk-revival” sound 2. Puberty 1. “You’re a little Britney Spears, I’m a little hate your guts”
ARENA
What should Bush do to stimulate the economy?
A Congressman kissing The economy? Oh, that’s booth! Man, what I’d give simple. Just hand it a cold, to slip Representative refreshing Red Bull. Pelosi (D-CA) a little tongue.
Colin Parent (D-CA) MQ Editor-in-Chief
Carol Freire Red Bull Spokesperson
I suggest a bake sale— Tickle its bum with a but instead of cakes, feather. we sell stealth fighters to autocratic third-world despots.
Oliver North Convicted Felon
Gary Condit Un-Convicted Felon
I dunno. What do you think?
George W. Bush U.S. President
March 5, 2003
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MQ Trading Cards: Potential Bush Supreme Court Nominees Big Tobacco
Strom Thurmond 100
20
Proponent of: Removing the obsolete position of Surgeon General Qualifications: Has served 12 years as a federal appellate court judge
Carrot Top
Proponent of: Jim Crow laws Qualifications: “Did a damn fine job back in aughtfour, and he can do it again”
Judge Judy
Proponent of: Civil unions between robots Qualifications: Preprogrammed impartiality
Saint Peter
Proponent of: Not peeing on her leg and telling her it’s raining Qualifications: None (enough for government work)
Tinky Winky
1101
71
1-800
Proponent of: Finding employment for worthless morons Qualifications: Succeeding where he is unqualified, such as comedy career
Commander Data
4
Proponent of: La-la-poo-la Qualifications: Has man purse
Simon Cowell 777
Proponent of: Faith-based initiatives Qualifications: Saint, Eagle Scout
-4
Proponent of: No fat chicks Qualifications: Unbiased, hates everyone
(Kidding. Shhhhhh.)
Blockheads
by Lars Ingleman
www.themq.com