The MQ Volume 19 Issue 4 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

February 6, 2013

“When you see me smash somebody’s skull, you enjoy it.” — Tina Fey

University-funded, student-run satirical newspap’er? I hardly know ‘er!

Transportation Services Solves Budget Problem, Creates Transportation Problem

Volume XIX Issue IV

IN THIS ISSUE ASK KIKI

GENERAL STORE NOW BUYING BACK USED CIGARETTES

THE NRA’S GUIDE TO VALENTINE’S DAY

6, 7

OBAMA’S INAUGURAL ADDRESS LIP-SYNCED

SHELL TO PAY $30 FOR ILLEGALLY PARKED OIL TANKER

NEWS IN BRIEF PILOT HEROICALLY LANDS COMPLETELY ROUTINE FLIGHT PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

One particularly clever student managed to make four “Speed” references, briefly amusing her friends before losing hold on the roof and falling into oncoming traffic. BY JESSI CARR

Managing Editor o combat the growing Transportation Services budget deficit, UCSD announced many changes for the upcoming year and beyond, among them the removal of the Arriba and Nobel Shuttle routes, increased oncampus parking pass costs, and the complete elimination of any possible way for offcampus students to commute to campus in a timely and logical manner.

The changes, which will take effect in July, also include increasingly expensive student MTS passes, a merging of the current UCSD Cityshuttles with the 201/202 MTS SuperLoop, and an altered night and weekend parking policy. Some experts predict that this will cause current and prospective students to realize that their school doesn’t give a shit about them and go elsewhere — though many believe the low self-esteem resulting from enrollment in the university

will negate such an effect on the current student body. Department representatives explain that the cuts are a result of a shrinking budget, which relies heavily on parking tickets and parking permit sales. The department has found itself deadlocked, as it has been unable to raise revenue fast enough to cover necessary expenses without rendering debt-laden students unable to cover the cost of either. “After we blew half our

budget for the next three years on ‘Transporting Triton Two: The Transferrer,’ the sequel to our hit film ‘Transporting Triton,’ we realized that we had to make cuts somewhere,” explained Transportation Services director Robert Holden. “It’s just a shame that we spent $1.6 million on that super cool high-speed-chase-and-explosion scene on the Nobel shuttle and now we’ll have to cut it

See BUDGET, page 2

Eight-Year-Old Receives Terrorism Award Nomination BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor

n a surprising turn of events, Ali Khaled, an eight-year-old boy from Ramallah, Palestine, has been nominated for the “Best Male Terrorist in an Aggressor Role” category for the 2012 Terrorism Awards. Preliminary rumors suggest the boy is expected to win the contentious contest, voted on by key members of Western governments. If he were to do so, he would become the youngest winner in history. “We were really just blown away by how well he excelled in every criterion imaginable,” Israeli Homefront Defense Ministry aide Rehavam BenDavid said. “Occasionally, he doesn’t come home before dark like his mother asks, he thinks girls are gross, and his middling reading skills are not something to balk at either. “And when he plays soccer with his friends, he hates to play goalie because he doesn’t like standing still or having to sacrifice his body time and time again to protect the goal,” Ben-David continued. “If that isn’t top terrorist material, I just don’t want to know what is.”

PHOTO BY ANDREW DENERIS

Critics of the nomination have raised objections to giving Khaled an envelope, which he may use later to send anthrax. Khaled is also suspected to “look adorable holding an assault rifle,” though overwhelming evidence suggests he has never held one and this is widely believed to be wishful thinking. “Look at those little arms of his!” said one Pentagon source. “Just think about it, skinny widdle Ali holding a big scawwy

DARING NEW ACCESSORIES DEBUT AT MILAN FASHION WEEK Versace Butthead Collection to be released this spring.

gun — isn’t that to die for?” The rumors surrounding Khaled’s chances of winning are especially notable for this year’s wide field, which some Department of Defense insiders have said might include all Palestinians with “external genitalia.” The unsuspecting nomi-

nee and his family were extraordinarily humbled by his nomination. “What has my son done to harm anyone? You monsters! I didn’t think you could stoop any lower, but labeling children as terrorists?” Khaled’s father, Hassan, asked upon receiving the news, illustrating his people’s longstanding tradition of displaying gratitude in exotic and seemingly hostile ways. “Oh, yes, Palestinians have been known to exhibit this behavior for, at least, a pretty long time,” BBC News Editor Jane Walters explained. “We have some great pictures of Palestinians throwing rocks to Israeli military parades as gifts in the archives if you’d like to check them out.” Many analysts believe Khaled stands a good chance of taking home the award. “Ever since the death of Osama bin Laden — the so-called Bryan Cranston of terrorism — the academy has been desperate for a charismatic figure to come in here and sweep them off their feet like that Yemeni George Clooney did so many years ago,” commented terrorism expert, former Islamic militant, and current President of the United States, Barack Obama.

STATE LAW LEADS TO INCREASED STANDARD OF LIVING FOR LIVESTOCK Eating clean now starts at the source.

Sources confirmed today that Southwest Airlines pilot Reginald “Reggie” McDermott successfully landed a flight in an event one witness described as “pretty run-of-the-mill” at San Diego International Airport this afternoon. Captain McDermott was able to bring Flight 2435, a Boeing 737 from Las Vegas with 150 souls aboard, to its destination a mere 15 minutes behind schedule. “I wouldn’t have held it against him if he got a little wobbly toward the end there,” tower controller Robert Jensen commented. “The wind’s been picking up today around Old Town, but he seemed to handle it pretty well.”

“The flare could have been better,” a colleague of Jensen observed. “Though it should be said that it’s hard enough clearing that approach without worrying about your attitude the whole way down.” Those aboard were greatly relieved with the perfectly average landing. “It was pretty good, I guess,” remarked Andrew Peterson. “He managed not to hit any buildings on the way in, so that’s good too,” he added. “I thought the pilot was great!” passenger Eliza Black exclaimed. “I was more concerned with that flight attendant. They put call buttons on these things for a reason, you know!”

DIRECTOR OF SCRIPPS DISCOVERED TO BE A DOLPHIN On Monday, Dr. Tony Haymet, director of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, was scandalously exposed as a Delphinus capensis. This announcement has made waves throughout the oceanography community, as students and staff have tried to determine the repercussions. “Dr. Haymet wrote me a letter of recommendation for the Columbia School of Oceanography,” said senior Zachary Plotz. “I was worried that this would hurt my chances, but knowing that an actual dolphin finds my analysis of econo-oceanic stratification insightful

makes me think my application will be viewed with a lot more weight. “Though I feel a bit awkward now that I think about what my thesis said about the delphinidae family.” Although many Scripps students hold similar opinions, Dr. Haymet’s wife feels more negatively about the discovery. She commented, “I’m not happy about it, but at least it explains why he never wanted to introduce me to his friends.” When asked for his opinion about the controversy, Dr. Haymet stated “Eeeee-eee eeee,” before his personal assistant threw him a fish.

COMMITTEE DECLARES VIDEO GAMES “TOO GODDAMN FUN” TO CONTRIBUTE TO VIOLENCE Last Friday, Vice President Joe Biden issued a statement weighing in on controversial video games that contain violence. Biden told the press that video games were just “too goddamn fun” to lead to violence, and that “the more blood, the better.” He further insisted that the gratuitous acts of virtual violence that he witnessed and participated in were “impossible to emulate because reality just isn’t this ‘off the hook.’”

The committee’s findings seem to be in contrast to NRA arguments that video games, rather than guns, are the main reason for the recent surge in gun violence. There are growing fears from gun activists that the government will pursue stronger gun control legislation. Indeed, the White House has proposed a plan to create a national registry of firearm owners, and to boost funding for research into advanced blood splatter in video games.

Page 2

theMQ.org

February 6, 2013

Students Intentionally Hurt Themselves to Capitalize on School Insurance

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1: all for accuracy.” Students have used social media platforms, such as Facebook, to offer their opinions about the MTS takeover, including concerns that MTS would be unable to accommodate the thousands of students who rely on the already crowded buses and shuttles daily. They have also expressed concern as to the fate of those who may not be able to afford the $36 monthly MTS pass. Protests groups have formed on Facebook demanding a reversal of the changes, including “Like this page if you think Transportation Services should subsidize student Heelys™ purchases,” “UCSD Student Hitchhikers Association” and “Students for a Chancellor Fox cameo in ‘Transporting Triton Two.’” Upholding its longstanding tradition as a force for students’ rights, Associated Students has also addressed the issue. “The campus-wide budget issues are a shame, but we want students to know we’re here for them as the voice of administrative dead-

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Wait up!” one student said as she followed behind her peers, who were fighting over a squirrel that supposedly had rabies. BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER

Associate Content Editor

n Jan. 28, students looked on as Revelle College senior Daniel Sobhani was escorted by Student Health Services from Library Walk, where he had been lying face down in a stone-colored jumpsuit for 45 minutes. As he was removed from the scene, several students heard Sobhani shouting, “Hell yes! I think my nose is broken!” Sobhani’s actions are part of a recent campus trend of reclaiming SHIP health insurance dollars through intentional self-harm. Sobhani’s initial plan on Jan. 28 was to camouflage himself on Library Walk so he would be trampled by stampedes of students between classes. He has been treated for a broken nose, a concussion and several bruises and scratches. He is scheduled to receive psychiatric care at CAPS in upcoming weeks. Sobhani expressed his satisfaction at finding a way

to take advantage of UCSD’s fines, especially in light of steep student fee hikes in recent years. “After four years as a student at this school, I finally feel like I have some control,” Sobhani said as he prepared to log-roll down Peterson Hill wearing only an athletic cup. The movement has enjoyed unparalleled popularity among the student body, with many enthusiastic backers imitating Sobhani’s behavior. “Daniel’s totally right. I personally just can’t afford to mess around anymore, it’s — hold on a sec,” Muir College junior Amanda Foreman said before abruptly ninjarolling in front of a golf cart, which screeched to a stop to avoid hitting her. “God damn it! I just — I just wanted — ” Foreman continued, sobbing, as she tried to scrape her face against the abrasive surface of the golf cart’s tire. Other students have taken more modest actions — both preventative and causal — to make use of all the health care they can before graduation.

“FINALLY got all three Gardasil shots!” ERC fifthyear Jacob Lin announced via his Facebook. Additionally, an earlier update of his reads, “Leaving my wrist guards at home today. Come at me on my Razor scooter, bitches!” In another case, Revelle College junior Marco Rojas has begun taking emergency contraceptive pills, which he gets from SHS, as a preventative measure. “As a college-educated student, I feel like it’s my responsibility to promote safe sex. I’m just doing my part by taking this pill with breakfast every morning,” Rojas said. “It’s no big deal, plus, it provides an extra security net in case drunk me screws up tonight,” he added, before smirking and winking. Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla, responding to administrative concerns about the trend of self-harm on campus, told the student body in a recently issued a statement, “We must foster diversity and promote self-learning to combat the issues faced by a

large research university.” But some students, like Warren sophomore Suzanne Chamberlain, see Sobhani’s movement as one that precludes educated decisionmaking. “These people are taking serious health risks, and they’re not thinking about possible long-term consequences,” Chamberlain said. “Plus, I mean, calm down. Health insurance isn’t that expensive. It’s only like — wait, what? 400 bucks a QUARTER? Well, I’m done spending my hard-earned cash on organic lotion for chapped winter hands when SHS can get me some of that sweet-ass Dove moisturizer — with aloe.” With an increasing number of students channeling all of their energy into getting hurt so SHS will pay up, Sixth College junior Alexis Gupta wants to remind students that they can still have fun while earning back their health insurance money. “Listerine pong. My place. Tonight,” she said.

BUDGET

lock,” Associate Vice President of Superfluous Spending Ethan Jackson said. “We will oversee every step of the process of not getting anything done but still somehow use more money,” he added. “Hey, can I finish this statement later? Councilmember Turrell’s birthday is today, and I’ve got to order an ice cream cake for the council meeting this afternoon. If they run out of mint chip, he is not gonna be happy.” Though unprecedented, a majority of students are unsurprised by Transportation Services’ recent announcement. Some are even relieved that the University has unveiled its annual horrible idea so early on in the school year. “First it was the caging of Sun God, then charging for salad by the ounce in the dining halls, then reducing S-spaces, then all of the weird cuts to the dining hall hours … and now this,” explained fifth-year Alex Spencer. “I’m just glad I’m getting out of here — it looks like they finally found a way to actually fuck us all over.”

TOP TEN

Ways Your Current Relationship Is Like Taking a Class P/NP 10. You think it’s weird that there are required readings 9. It’s online 8. You’re only allowed to do it 12 times in your college career 7. Mom keeps telling you to drop it 6. Being drunk is the only way to make it bearable 5. It’s the lowest priority on your schedule 4. You’re hesitant to ask the person next to you if they’re doing it too 3. After four weeks in it you start second guessing yourself 2. You ended up learning more about Polynesian Avant-Garde composers than you expected 1. You could always try again next quarter

Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor.........................Monica Bhide Managing Editor............................. Jessi Carr Content Editor.............................Jack Beegan Associate Content Editor................Kevin Chu Associate Content Editor..........Allie Kiekhofer Associate Content Editor....... Farah Abouzeid Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Graphics Editor....................Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Graphics Editor.............Ryan Gibbs Assistant Graphics Editor...............Sora Chee

Copy Editor.................................Garrett Chan Assistant Copy Editor.............Andrew Deneris Business Editor..........................Wesley Chan Web Editor......................................Ben Steen Assistant Web Editor..................Connor Brew Distribution Captain.......................Avi Kabani Distribution Lieutenant.................Trev Malone MQ Dad......................................Hannah Weil MQ Deadbeat Stepdad....................Zac Hann Foreign Correspondent...........Josh Malkinson Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Farah Abouzeid Chris Aldama Jack Beegan Monica Bhide Dylan Blackie Connor Brew Garret Chan Wesley Chan Sora Chee

Beggin’ Strips?! OHBOY OHBOY OHBOY! Tuesdays, at 6p.m. in Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. There’s never enough space in these boxes to give adequate praise to everyone who deserves it. As usual, I couldn’t be more proud of the staff. Yet again, this team of ragtag rapscallions has reminded me why I sacrifice hours upon hours of my life every four weekends. You people are so goddamn funny and fun to work with. In particular, I’d like to give a tremendous thank you to Elizabeth for stepping up and delivering excellence in her first try as head designer. I am truly impressed by how quickly she adapted, and she really saved our asses when we needed her most. Thank you, Elizabeth. Ryan did a phenomenal job as a graphic guru. He made more graphics in a four day span than I ever thought possible, and he made some pretty solid contributions to content as well. Speaking of content, kudos to the newly-minted team content on a job well done. Kevin and Allie especially put in some serious work, and Jack did a remarkable job as their leader. Happy 21st, Jack Lastly, I’d like to thank our omni-present copy editors, Garret and Andrew, for being so reliable and bringing positive energy to the paper. Keep up the good werk, you too.

Kevin Chu Caitlin Carnahan Jessi Carr Rosa Cho Brian Damp Janine Davis Angelique DeCastro Andrew Deneris James Dohleman

Dylan Everingham Ryan Gibbs Alison Gilchrist Zac Hann Avi Kabani Marina Karastamatis Allie Kiekhofer Kyle Koerber Trev Malone

Adil Mistry Audrey Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Kimberly Nguyen Jeric Pereda Alex Rosengarten Kyle Somers Ben Steen Hannah Weil

Booster Club Thanks to Rosa for the chips and the Whoppers, Andrew, Garrett, Elizabeth, Ryan, and Dylan for the bounty of dining dollars, Allie for giving us her scones and her sanity, Monica for the healthy snacks, Jessi for bringing cake with extra icing, and Sora and Kevin for the kettle crack. I can’t wait to appreciate all the diabetes for years to come.

February 6, 2013

theMQ.org

Dear Kiki

Page 3

OMG! Get advice from Kiki, the 4th most popular girl in COMM 109D! Ask her anything, from boys to school to makeup to muscle cars!

EDITORIAL

A Most Profound and Foreboding Disclosure

Dear Kiki, how many furlongs are in a kilometer?

-- Kelly N.

Hi Kelly, idk, go take a geography class or something

Dear Kiki, my friend just told me Elijah Wood is in Back to the Future II. That’s bullshit, right? Hey Jenny,

Dear Kiki, I have trouble reaching climax in church. How do I recapture that original rush? Is it lost for good? -- Joann R.

Hello Joann, You have nothing to worry about! You should try to limit yourself to once a week so it’s more special and then make a night out of it! Remember, special = hot! Thursday generally works for me, because the only people in church on Thursdays are the crazy ones, and they’re not ashamed to get kinky!

Dear Kiki, my mom just passed away. Anyway, what should I get my girlfriend for valentine’s day? --Steven D.

Steven, All the jewelry you just inherited, duh!

Dear Kiki, I heard there are boobs on the Internet. Where can I find these? Frankie boy,

--Frank H.

Get off the Internet and look in a mirror! God damn, I’m so funny!

-- Jenny J.

No, your friend’s totally right — he’s one of the little kids in the Wild Gunman-Cafe scene. He’s wearing like, a green hat-thing — I don’t know what they call ‘em in the future. Future hats?

Dear Kiki, my ’67 Chevelle throws belts when I push the RPM and I’m kind of at my wit’s end trying to figure out what’s wrong. Any idea what I should do? Conrad,

-- Conrad K.

I’ll bet the problem’s coming from your power steering pump alignment. Your Chevelle’s GM A-Body has a front steer steering box, which interferes with the power steering pump being mounted in the normal low position on the driver side, so you’re going to need a mid-mount bracket. Unfortunately, getting parts for an old beaut like yours is easier said than done, not to mention expensive as all hell. Good luck with your ‘67! Also dump your girlfriend, she’s cheating on you.

Dear Kiki, Long time reader, first time writing in: I think there’s someone following me, it’s dark and I can’t really get a good look at him. I think he’s getting closer. Yeah, he’s definitely getting closer, what should I — Hey Sandra,

--Sandra B.

Is he cute?

Students Petition for Construction of White Resource Center

BY CLIVE VIRGIL

IQ Greater Than His Own Weight iven the current state of affairs, it is with regret that I must profess that I have diminishingly little time to convey my message thoroughly and in its entirety. What follows this statement is a recount of my foray into desperate sustenance intake at the university facility self-described as “Roots” and the potential indubitable conspiracy theory that follows. Having emerged from the cavernous chambers of the Auditorium called Ledden, I found myself outside, in the wild. Though I had prepared provisions with utmost consideration, I had underestimated the eternity that 50 minutes of one hour is. With my provisions long since consumed, I hungered with insatiable desire. Faint of head and hard of hearing, I made my way down great recesses carved into the concrete toward the bottom floor of the Commons of Muir. Bewildered, I was drawn into the irradiant glow of the “Roots” facility and entered. Alas, I believe its effects are rapidly waning and must now increase the rate of my dictation. Inside, the workers greet-

ed me as I walked in. “That’s really strange,” I thought, since my roommate had me convinced that HDH workers were animatronic. I approached the counter and glanced at the menu. Vegan Burger. Vegan Salad. Vegan Shit. Vegan Pasta. This was my hell. Anyway, at the bottom of the menu was a daily “special.” I dubiously asked for it, since none of the other options seemed remotely appetizing. I can’t remember what the dish looked like. Hold it in front of me and I probably wouldn’t recognize it. Nonetheless, it was delicious and I devoured it like nobody’s business. However, what soon followed was indescribable. I think I literally became more intelligent, understanding quantum mechanics, deciphering ancient Greek manuscripts, and realizing that “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” takes place in Cameron’s head. I can feel it fading again! I’ll be as brief as possible. People who eat special get smart. Then they keep eating special food. They eat it again and again. They want to stop but can’t. Once out of their system they really back to normal. I thinks it leaving my system. Oh no! I think that school bad. Not school. People who give school to food. Food to school! They give food because they control. Control something. I don’t know what control. Maybe student not smart? Helping me please! Dis school not smart. Food smart. No! Food make smart. I food want. Why they do this? Money? Monomony? Monopoly! Guy look at me. Evil guy. Guy is smile. I no want to study. I want food. I want smart!

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Look at all those stupid white people,” fourth-year Revelle student Travis Johnstone commented. “As a one-thirty-second Cherokee, I don’t think I’ll ever understand them.” BY KEVIN CHU

Assistant Content Editor

n response to University approval of the forthcoming Black Resource Center, the campus’ White Student Union (WSU) has filed a petition to open a White Resource Center. WSU, whose mission is to “engage in and celebrate whiteness,” has stated the necessity of white students at UCSD creating a space to celebrate the “unique joys and privileges that come with being white,” as well as to learn the vast history and cultural richness of white culture. “I mean, sure, most of early history is dominated by lily-white European men, but after the ‘60s you barely even hear about white accomplishments,” lamented WSU president Sean BrooksAnderson. “That decade, it’s all about the civil rights movement.”

“Hey, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., has a holiday and an entire three day weekend. But Ronald Reagan — his white counterpart — only gets a shitty library somewhere,” he added. Brooks-Anderson, a senior economics and European history double major, hopes to end this erasure of white history and voices with the opening of the White Resource Center, to provide a safe space for students invested in whiteness at the university to gather and watch “Homeland” in community. “This affirmative action thing really hurts our chances of dominating admissions into institutions of higher education and therefore reinforcing white hegemony,” stated Brooks-Anderson. “If my dad hadn’t been a donor, I probably would have been rejected because they were trying to fill their ‘minority quotient’ with ‘people of colors.’”

WSU has previously petitioned the university for the center at times when they “felt the presence of whiteness on-campus was threatened.” Students first petitioned for the then-named Aryan Cultural Center, in response to the opening of the Cross Cultural Center in 1996, which failed. That same year, they proposed to open the Men’s Center in response to the opening of the Women’s Center, and again in 1999 they petitioned for the Straight Resource Center after the opening of the campus’ LGBT Resource Center. WSU has also requested that the Regents recognize White History Month, a holiday that honors the accomplishments of old, dead white men of historical significance. The celebration would actually take place over the course of 12 months, and would include such day-long celebrations as Columbus Day and President’s Day.

“We [whites] have done so much throughout history, like freeing the slaves, finding America, and inventing the iPhone,” Brooks-Anderson said. “We should be recognized for our contributions to society.” Current plans for the White Resource Center have it located in the Economics Building. Though many potential locations were thrown around, Brooks-Anderson chose it because he felt it best represented what he wanted the Resource Center to be. “That’s a space that I feel really appreciates the impact and presence of whiteness in society,” Brooks-Anderson stated. “And important cultural practices emanating from such a rich tradition, like entrusting the most cartoonishly greedy of their kind with the fate of an entire worldwide economic system.”

Reasons Why Other Presidents Didn’t Get on Mt. Rushmore 10. Jackson didn’t want to share the mountain with “that megaqueer” Jefferson 9. Because no other presidents have had enough free time to carve themselves 8. Jimmy Carter’s not dead ... yet 7. Coolidge ironically not cool enough 6. Some environmental bullshit 5. Toyota sponsorship ruined Ford’s chances 4. ‘Cause no one wants to look at Van Buren’s ugly-ass face 3. Granite not structurally sound enough to support Nixon’s jowls 2. Clinton did not have sexual relations with that carver 1. Can’t get Nicholas Cage out of the way long enough to carve anyone else

theMQ.org

Page 4

February 6, 2013

Fifth-Year Engineering Student Prepares for Annual Valentine’s Day Dinner with Self

13-Year-Old Boy Laments Lack of Beyoncé Boobs During Halftime Show

BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM Staff Writer

CSD fifth-year computer engineering major Randall Berger showed more dedication than most to the spirit of Valentine’s Day this year by continuing his longstanding tradition of a romantic candlelit dinner, undaunted by the fact that he has not had a meaningful conversation with a girl since third grade. Berger has taken a stand in pioneering a modern, more equitable vision of Valentine’s Day. “Singles Awareness Day,” as he insists it be called — a name he claims to have come up with — need not unfairly exclude those without a significant other in their lives. “I started the custom of having a fancy meal all by myself way back in my freshman year,” Berger recalls. “Funnily enough, the whole thing was an accident; I would never have had that first solitary meal if my date hadn’t stood me up. I hate you, Sharon!” “But really, Sharon, why? I can change literally everything about me,” he added. “Is that what you want?” Every year since then Berger has been striving towards the “perfect Valentine’s dinner.” What began as a failed date at TGI Friday’s has been steadily becoming more elaborate and intimate. “While I still think that my first one was certainly among the best, this year I’m paying my roommate to dress up as a waiter and bring food over from Pines. It’ll be hard to top that.”

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“If it’s not already apparent,” Tailor said, grinning, “I don’t give a damn about football.” BY WESLEY CHAN Staff Writer

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Waiter, could I have a moment?” Berger asked. “There’s some particularly fine ghost cleavage in this episode of ‘Supernatural.’” Unfortunately, such achievement is not often possible without sacrifice. Last year, Randall was faced with a terrible decision when a girl from his digital circuits class asked if he would like to catch dinner and a movie on the same night as his traditional celebration. “Wait, you mean, like she wanted to go out with me?” Berger asked. “And no one was going to tell me?” Despite harsh criticisms

from several of his suitemates, Berger insists that his tradition is “not pathetic at all” and “actually quite fulfilling.” “Most people don’t realize how relaxing it is to share a well-prepared meal with yourself,” he claimed. “It really helps me unwind from the stress of my coursework and reflect on important issues in my life, such as my near-crippling loneliness.” Moreover, Berger believes

that his tradition may grow to national significance someday. “I have a gut feeling that others would enjoy my tradition as much as I do, even if I don’t really socialize with people enough to know,” he said. “I’ve been posting flyers all around campus. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if by next year, people all across the country came together in celebration of Singles Awareness Day — separately, of course.”

General Store Now Buying Back Used Cigarettes

he National Football League’s controversial decision to eliminate the prospect of celebrity nudity during the Super Bowl halftime show in an attempt to keep the program “family-friendly” has turned a once powerful symbol of unity, peace, and gigantic men wearing plastic armor trying to all but murder their opponents among the American people into a major source of disappointment for sexually deprived boys nationwide. “It’s not fair,” commented Troy Tailor, a native Texan who prefers to be addressed by the moniker “young man.” “After my state eradicated any notion of a legitimate sex-ed program, us young men have been forced to resort to desperate measures, like turning Google SafeSearch off and cracking the parental control password on late-night HBO programming.” “Public wardrobe malfunctions are so vital in today’s society – it’s a rare opportunity to show the world that, yes, it’s okay to express yourself through disrobing, and that there’s nothing to be ashamed about with your body,” Tailor continued. “I’d do it, too, if I had the chance.” To protest the lack of excitement offered during this year’s halftime show, Tailor and his neighborhood friends, who are mostly male, have conspired to boycott future Super Bowl halftime programs unless league officials offer them a chance to streak across the field after every field goal.

Economists worry that such a move would lead to a sharp drop in ad revenues and force the halftime show coordinators to settle for performers like will.i.am. This isn’t the first time Tailor has caused a commotion in the community. Earlier last year, Tailor was apprehended and fined for attempting to sneak into an R-rated movie by pretending to be the son of the mature couple in front of him. He also received four detentions for overwriting a school documentary about the contributions of the Founding Fathers of America with the unrated version of “Good Luck Chuck,” which Tailor calls “a true classic.” Child psychologists believe that such behaviors are indicative of a desire for acceptance from his peer group, where casual discussion of bodily matters is encouraged, despite minimal actual knowledge and insight. In light of Tailor’s recent complaints concerning the Super Bowl, the FCC released an official rebuttal, stating, “While we understand this young gentleman’s disappointment in this year’s more conservative halftime performance, we are concerned that his radical proposal would only traumatize the very eyes we are trying to protect.” Unable to subdue his disappointments with shoplifted liquor, Tailor has since gone on an “oxygen strike,” a radical new method of protest where the offended resolves to hold their breath until their demands are satisfied — much to the dismay of his parents, and the joy of his classmates.

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

“Vintage cigarettes?” one skeptical student said. “These taste nothing like the Lucky Strikes my grandmother used to give me.” BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

ecently, representatives from the General Store Co-op announced it would start a new program of buying back used cigarettes, a program modeled on the General Store’s popular textbook buyback program. “Sell back my books? That’s a great idea!” junior Maxwell Wasserman commented. “Wow, I wish I had thought of that sooner.” “Cigarette prices are really high, and lots of students just can’t afford it,” Carla Rivera explained, a “core” member of the General Store. “We like to offer low prices on things like textbooks, cigarettes, and anything else that is absolutely essential to a college education.” The move is also expected to make students more

conscious of their smoking habits. Many students have already reported a significant increase in their cigarette consumption. “I feel like I can smoke as much as I want, now that I’m getting some of my money back after I smoke them,” enthused student Rachel Tse said. Still, the General Store offering packs of used cigarettes for sale at a price lower than new, unused cigarettes is not without its detractors. Health expert Jonathan Brenner criticized the new program, arguing that a used cigarette “is basically just a filter” and “tastes worse than smoking out of this pipe I once made in college out of a rotting pear from Café V.” Surveys conducted by the General Store showed that a majority of smokers enjoy and even prefer the sensation of sucking on a cigarette butt that has been previously

chewed on and soaked in a stranger’s saliva, smushed into the ground with the heel of a boot, or carefully unglued from a wad of gum on the sidewalk. “It makes me feel kind of special, that maybe the tobacco that helped give me cancer helped give someone else emphysema — someone that I don’t even know,” explained frequent General Store customer Melanie Jacobson. “It’s like we have some kind of unspoken, mystical connection. It’s almost … romantic.” “One time I got one with a little bit of lipstick on the end,” Benjamin Edelstein commented as he burned his fingers attempting to light a vaguely cigarette-buttshaped piece of crumpled orange paper. “I still carry it around with me in my wallet. I’m looking for you, Chocolate Cherry Vanilla.” Representatives of the

General Store claim that initial public feedback on the program is largely positive. Experts say that UCSD students have taken to the program because they are already comfortable handling something that has already had any potential use or value drained from it. Some customers are excited that they no longer have to go around picking up used cigarette butts. Others have found volunteer opportunities as cigarette butt harvesters employed by the General Store. “At this point, all the obvious spots have been completely de-butted. Forget about finding anything in an ashtray,” freshman Brandon Cooper said as he slid onto his stomach to search for butts underneath a trash can. “I got one! I got one! Oh, no, wait, damn it. It’s just a rolledup dollar bill.”

Perks of Getting Married Before You Graduate 10. You can put expensive textbooks on your wedding registry 9. Name-changing bureaucratic logjam hides fact that you’re not graduating this year 8. Free off-campus housecleaning 7. Quick, before the gays ruin it! 6. Love 5. Finally achieve your dream of being the cool customer who buys condoms at Goody’s 4. You can petition to have it count for a Critical Gender Studies credit 3. You don’t want to graduate a virgin 2. Nearest chapel takes Triton Cash 1. Now your lab partner is legally obligated to do half the work

theMQ.org

February 6, 2013

Page 5

Freshman Disappointed with Winter God Turnout

Johnson & Sons

Organic Grass-Fed, Free-Range

Dildo Farm

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

The one-person festival was forced to shut down for a Division-A intramural game between Chicks with Kicks and Studs Up. BY TREVOR MALONE Social Chair

n Jan. 25, Muir College freshman Bernard Yonce went to Muir Field in anticipation of the Winter God festival. “I didn’t expect this from the Facebook group,” Yonce said regarding his disappointment over the lack of attendees at the annual Winter God Festival. “I was so stoked to see the Imaginaries, No Fest, and That Guy from Warren with the iPod.” Yonce waited eight hours alone on the field before he returned to his dorm to listen to music in silence. “I wanted to see, like, everybody,” he sulked. “I mean, this only happens once a quarter.” Yonce explained that although he initially felt a similar defeat to the campus apathy toward FallFest, his confidence was restored after he was invited to Winter God by “some dude in my Math 10A class who seemed like a hipster.” “I mean, he had on skinny jeans, his hair was purposely

messed up, and he was wearing some shirt from a concert that happened way before he was even born. His look screamed hipster, so obviously he knew good music. I guess I should’ve made sure other people were gonna go,” Yonce said. “I wanted to ask friends if they were going, but I didn’t know if they would know the bands there or got invited. This dude obviously noticed I wasn’t into the mainstream pop like everyone else. I had on my new shirt from Zumiez, so he probably thought I was a hipster, too. He had his keys on his belt loop with a dope carabineer — he was way too cool to use something as mainstream as a lanyard. That’s just what they do.” Yonce’s roommate Jared Zawkowski questioned Bernard’s ability to identify hipsters. “Bernard plays ‘Call Me Maybe’ at maximum volume 24/7,” Zakowski said. “The other day I walked past his computer, and his music library was open — he literally owns that one song and noth-

ing else.” Yonce attributes the low turnout to the event’s exclusivity. “When you keep it secretive, you keep out the posers who say like the bands to seem cool,” Yonce said. “You know, I bet it got moved to a different location because the administration thought it was too cutting-edge for average students.” Although he was disappointed about the lack of guests and music, Yonce enjoyed less conventional aspects of the festival. “It wasn’t a total bust,” he said. “I mean, the other guy there was really friendly. He pierced my ears for 20 bucks, so now I can get gauges! My ears are kinda red and they’re throbbing, but I’m not worried. He said that it’s normal for the pus to ooze for at least two weeks.” Campus police arrested one subject at Winter God — a middle-aged man — after he was seen walking away from the scene clutching a twenty-dollar bill in his bloody hands. Freshman Lizzie Nguyen commented, “Yeah, I

think it was this homeless guy who I sometimes see wandering around campus. He was hanging out with some kid and then I heard a scream and look over to see the kid with fishing hooks in his ears. “He should definitely go see a doctor,” she stated. A campus plan to increase attendance for Winter God was officially refused after a representative for the Sun God planning committee released a statement that was simply a long sigh before the word “freshmen.” “I don’t understand how Bernard fell for this,” Zakowski said. “I mean, the Facebook event page literally redirects you to a website titled www. wintergodisntathingyoudumbass.com.” Undeterred, Yonce plans to spearhead the committee for next year’s Winter God and is optimistic about getting the word out. “It’s gonna be the awesomest thing since Welcome Week God,” he beamed.

Friend Thought to Have Work Actually Hanging out with Cool Person BY GARRETT CHAN Copy Editor

niversity of California, San Diego engineering student and occasional beer pong alternate Derek Kline discovered that his friend, Erik Johansson, did not have work that day like he said he did and was actually spending it with that shithead Tim Heller. Kline noticed Johansson, who he described as a “pretty cool guy, considering that he named his guitar Jenny,” hanging out at UTC. He wandered the mall alone for an hour or so, trying but failing to make eye contact with anyone who, like Kline, was desperately alone but too nervous to do anything about it. “I spotted him over there,” Kline said, pointing in the direction of the Yogenfrüz. “He was with Tim, and I could tell they were having fun together. Erik only gets fro-yo when he’s in a good mood.” “Usually, he thinks the stuff is a piddly substitute for ice cream,” Kline added, chuckling before beginning to sob. “I guess our friendship was pretty piddly, too.” Johansson allegedly told Kline that he had work every Friday afternoon, which Kline took to be true. Following the revelation, Kline says he has begun to re-evaluate his friendship with Johansson. “What else has he been lying to me about?” Kline said himself as he laid in silent despair on a park bench. “Did

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“This friendship is even weaker than I thought,” Kline said before returning to his previous activity: spying on his friend. he really think my essay on 1 Corinthians was any good? Or that my posture isn’t as bad my mother says it is? Does he even have a moderately attractive sister?” Kline said he was upset that Johansson was hanging out with Tim Heller, who they had both previously agreed was too pretentious and too well-dressed, or something, and that those glasses were definitely cosmetic and certainly not prescription.

“We both agreed that he was a prick,” Kline said. “Or I said he was a prick, and Johansson was like, ‘yeah, totally,’ and I really thought we had something there.” “Now that I think about it, we were both pretty drunk at the time. So we should’ve been even more honest with each other,” Kline added. “Right?” Kline says he considered calling Johansson’s name at UTC and offering a casual yet

slightly passive-aggressive, “Hey! Didn’t expect to see you here at this time of day…” “I guess I could’ve spoken up,” Kline said. “But that would’ve meant bearing an insufferable afternoon listening to Heller talk about his successful homemade yogurt.” Kline opted to continue his cycle of opening his mouth to try to talk to strangers, but just sighing in selfconsolation. He attempted to curl up in fetal position without slipping off of the bench, but the awkward positioning forced him to sit upright Kline then came to the ultimate realization that a majority of his relationships were based on alleged mutual disdain for a third party. “Well, my roommate Jeremy and I got close after I found out he also hated dining hall food,” he said. “And I got closer to Alex from across the hall when I learned we both agreed that I can’t pull off wearing cardigans. Let’s see, that’s four, five…” Kline counted on his right hand before switching to his left to continue. An analysis of his relationships confirmed a pattern. “Jesus, eight out of 12?” Kline commented. “That can’t be good.” But Kline has some hope remaining in that he has a basis on which to build healthy, genuine relationships in the future. “At least I know my relationship with my mom is real and lasting,” he said. “We have a special bond—we’re held together by our shared disappointment in me.”

At Johnson & Sons, the quality of life of our dildos is a top priority. We believe a good dildo is the product of a loving, caring environment free of harmful chemicals and genetic modification. Johnson & Sons: The first word in prosthetic penises. Not animal tested.

TOP FIFTEEN

Excuses to Leave a Party Early 15. You have to get home before all the good toothpaste runs out 14. The full moon went behind a cloud and you have to go back to being a UCSD student 13. The coke you have at home is better 12. You forget to let your significant other out of their kennel 11. You prefer to study on your own 10. You thought it was going to be an actual sausage fest 9. You think you left the stove on in your res hall 8. You don’t know the only other person there 7. Becky’s, like, a total mess right now and you don’t even wanna deal with her bullshit today 6. You have an 8 AM class and you’re already late 5. You are just so high from all those alcohols 4. You called the cops and should leave before they get there 3. There’s a really great rerun of “NCIS” airing right now 2. They wouldn’t even give you the Wi-Fi password 1. There might be a book you haven’t read

AP Stylish Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome

Page 6

theMQ.org

February 6, 2013

We know what you’re thinking — is it Valentine’s Day already? It feels like you just hung up your Martin Luther King, Jr. Day decorations! But put away your March on Washington diorama and stop playing the Bee Gees’ cover of the “I Have A Dream” speech, because the most romantic time of the year is here again. And when it comes to your love life, really, who better than the NRA to give you the ultimate guide that will help - Compensate for your tiny dick with a you make your Valenhuge gun safe tine tumble headover-heels into - Impress her with your cocking skills your arms?

The NRA’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Woo that NRA Special Someone - Protect him from violence by preemptively gunning down potential suspects - Engage in butt play - Show her your sensitive side by killing a doe and then raising its orphaned fawn

- Shoot him from afar to impress him with your marksmanship

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Cocked and loaded

February 6, 2013

theMQ.org

Page 7

The Perfect Date Candlelit dinner of venison you just hunted Sensual couple’s gun massage with sensual gun oil Engage in pistol duel for your love’s honor Shoot at the sunset

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

NRA-Approved Romantic Films Good Will Hunting, Killing and Eating reVolver

When Harry Shot Sally, Thinking She Was a Home Invader

Old Yeller

Four Funerals and a Wedding Gundhi

- Romantic getaway from the police - The place you buried that kid you shot - Paris, France (to see those socialist pigs live out the mess they created) - New Freeland, the country you secede to - The Border - Your beach house in Somalia

theMQ.org

Page 8

February 6, 2013

Homeless Guy Wearing UCSD Sweater in Geisel Library Not Fooling Anyone

Maxim Names 2012 Hottest Year In History

BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Graphics Editor

ith the opening of Geisel Library for 24-hour study during the five weekdays of the academic year, a new atmosphere for learning has been introduced to the La Jolla campus of the University of California. While the new study commons are intended for UCSD students only, the library has unintentionally become a haven for vagrants to spend the night busily studying in reclined positions with closed eyes. One of the library’s new residents, Charles “Chuck” Zumbino, disgraced founder of the off-brand ice resurfacing machine manufacturing conglomerate bearing his name, has been frequently spotted in the Arts Library basement. Although measures are in place to check student identification for overnight study, Zumbino has thus far eluded apprehension by library staff. Surprisingly, the former CEO takes no extreme measures to avoid apprehension; rather, he blends in with other students, many of whom sport the same unshaven and oversized UCSD sweatshirt look, along with a similar odor that suggests a lack of proper bathing in at least three days. “Trying to find someone like this ‘Zumbino’ character is like looking for hay in a stack of needles,” Geisel Library security chief Gerald Roberts stated. “Usually we can spot non-students in a heartbeat, but Zumbino is a master of disguise. We’re

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“I can’t believe everyone got food poisoning the same time I did,” one Maxim staffer said. BY KEVIN CHU

Assistant Content Editor

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

Witnesses agree the homeless woman at the center desk was much more skilled at blending into her surroundings. operating as blind as a blind person — I mean, vision-impaired person.” “You know what I mean, genius, someone who can’t see good,” he clarified. Though Zumbino has evaded detection by security, many of the more keen students easily notice him. “There is just no way that guy was a student. Where were his notes meticulously highlighted and color coded? Where was his posse of gregariously giggling girlfriends? Where were his sobs of crushing desperation?” secondyear student Jill Wong asked. “When I saw that guy last quarter, I was initially suspicious because he was

reading an organic chemistry textbook seven editions old,” third year Esteban Cruz noted. “Some disguise, right? I mean, he doesn’t even have the updated version of Figure 25.9 on page 727,” Cruz commented, laughing. Since settling into Geisel to survive the harsh and unforgiving La Jolla winter, Zumbino has become something of a local legend. Having read and re-read a handful of textbooks, he is able to skillfully assist students in cellular biology, Middle Eastern history, and San Diego news since July 11, 1994. “Did you know that the San Diego Padres were reel-

ing from a blowout loss 2-11 to the Montreal Expos as their record sank to 35-54 in 1995?” Zumbino said. “Talk about foreshadowing franchise futility years in advance.” Now that the National Hockey League lockout has ended, Zumbino hopes that sufficient demand for ice resurfacing will once again spark interest in cheaper — albeit much more dangerous — offbrand machines to prompt his return to the business world. However, if that were to happen, his departure from Geisel Library may include significant risks as library security personnel are notoriously suspicious of anyone leaving the library.

President Obama’s Inaugural Address Lip-Synced to Prerecorded Speech BY MONICA BHIDE AND DYLAN BLACKIE

Managing Editor and Staff Writer

national controversy erupted this week after news outlets revealed that President Obama lipsynced his inaugural address, moving his lips to a speech that had been prerecorded. In a statement to the public, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney admitted that the address was indeed recorded two days before the inauguration ceremony. He defended the decision to prerecord the speech as a means to prevent potentially embarrassing ad-libbing by the president, noting that “Ever since his Al Green performance went viral, Barry has been trying to sneak new cover songs into every speech he makes.” The discovery closely followed allegations that Beyoncé lip-synced her performance of the national anthem at the inaugural ceremony, due to concerns about performing live in a new venue in cold weather. Carney addressed the connection, stating, “If it’s good enough for Beyoncé, it’s good enough for the President of the United States.” The Obama administration has steadfastly claimed that the lip-syncing was done in good taste. Inauguration coordinator Thomas Gill announced that at the last minute, the president chose to forgo the excessive Auto-Tuning that was used in studio demos because “audio effects might detract from the important issues the President hopes to address,and besides, we really wanted to go with a more raw, unpolished sound on this record.”

iting the year’s numerous accolades and its “smoking hot average temperature,” Maxim has called 2012 the Hottest Year In History. The selection surprised many, as 2012 beat out former 14-year reigning champion 1998 for the title. While much controversy surrounds the decision, the Maxim editorial board, or “Man Cave,” stands by their decision. “I mean, not only was 2012 the hottest year in boring science history temperaturewise, there were also so many rad and sexy things that happened that year,” said Chief Boobs Analyst Brad Madison. “Like, that awesome Red Bull space jump, Kate Upton’s boobs, and ‘The Expendables 2’!” “If [2012] were a person, it would probably be a broad with, like, the jugs of Bristol Palin and the everything else of Jessica Alba,” Madison added, gripping his crotch and biting his lip. ”Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go to the restroom. I, uh, forgot my keys or something.” “I mean, I mean my girlfriend’s keys, I mean the last slampiece I nailed? Yeah, I nailed her good, no woman’s gonna tie me down,” he stammered, tripping over an office chair on his way to the door. Despite some of the year’s

low-points, such as Hurricane Sandy being ‘like a total crazy bitch ex-girlfriend,’ editors say that 2012 was put over the top by its more exotic features,” such as Colombian actress Sofia Vergara’s continued existence and “all those totally bang-able foreign chicks in the Olympics wearing those tight things.” “Since 1998, it’s been hard to find another year that hot,” said Assistant Beer Chugger Jake McManus. “I mean, 1998 was when the Internet was invented, and you know, porn was like, everywhere. But then 2012 came around, with the Chinese gymnasts in tight red leotards.” “It isn’t illegal to watch TV,” he continued. McManus then sat in silence and licked his lips for 5 minutes before excusing himself to the restroom, where he was heard grunting in a restroom stall. “I mean, the summer heat was unbearable, believe me,” said Bro-In-Chief Brody Jenkins, winking and pulling his shirt collar down to reveal a tank top tan. “But that same heat brought out so many titties struggling to get out of Gstring bikinis. I mean, damn, that was hot, and also that was hot, if you know what I mean.” “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just pictured a million tits in my head and I have to go to the restroom to masturbate,” he added.

TOP FIFTEEN

Ways to Get Fired From Your Job at a Dining Hall

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Sasha, let me ask you a question. Do you hate this? I’m going to ask you again. Do you hate this? You put literally no art into those backup vocals,” the president was overheard telling his youngest daughter. “Using Auto-Tune would also risk losing Jay-Z’s support — we don’t want him thinking we’re shifting our affections to T-Pain,” Gill added. The controversy has been met with mixed responses. Obama’s detractors remained disappointed in his performance. “I’ve always thought Obama was overrated. People just like him because of that fine ass he’s got,” commented area man Willie Johnson, who accidentally camped out to attend the inauguration under the assumption that a music festival was taking place on the National Mall. “And also, I just want to say, the prerecorded speech would’ve sounded way better on vinyl.” Some Obama supporters were devastated by the news.

“Is it too late for me to take back my vote?” asked James Grayson, while ripping off his Obama shirt and setting it on fire for the second time that day. “I was cool with all of the deportations and drone strikes — those weren’t such a big deal — but lip-syncing a speech? Have we no dignity?” “I think it was a bad decision overall,” Katrina Minske commented, political scientist at the University of Topeka. “My research shows that this will hurt his chances of a 2016 campaign.” The speech has earned a reputation as the most scandalous occurrence at a presidential inauguration since Grover Cleveland’s re-election in 1893, when he took the stage and said only “Grover’s back, bitches! And y’all can

kiss my non-consecutive ass.” A digitally remastered recording of the track revealed a background voice — which audio forensics experts have matched to that of Vice President Joe Biden — attempting and failing twice to order several 6-foot party subs. This audio is followed by the sound of a phone smashing against an Oval Office wall, quiet sobbing, and the words, “Shit, I can’t do anything right.” As controversial as the announcement was, some were not surprised. Attendees of the inauguration claim they did sense something unusual when President Obama yawned heartily, took some vitamins, and ate two slices of toast during the last few minutes of his speech.

15. Drive your car into the building, again 14. Tell customers, “They prefer to be called African-American beans” 13. Throw up all the food you stole 12. Remove pants, ensure Meatless Mondays are no longer meatless 11. Keep trying your hardest 10. Spike the soda machine 9. Fail all your classes and get kicked out of school 8. Charge a reasonable price for cheesecake 7. Give Plankton recipe for secret sauce 6. Suggest to certain customers that they should get less food 5. Remove the porn from Pines’ TVs 4. Double the amount of rat poison you’re supposed to put in the food 3. Start swiping cards from bottom to top to give customers Dining Dollars 2. Sleep with the health inspector, convince your new lover to give the dining hall an F 1. Learn to cook a decent burger

theMQ.org

February 6, 2013

First Baby Made on UCSD Campus

Page 9

EDITORIAL

How About That Super Bull!

BY STEVEN POINDEXTER Sporting Expert

“I’ll be back,” the proud new mother vowed, “next month for my post-partum check up.” BY FARAH ABOUZEID

Associate Content Editor

fter years of failed attempts at sexual encounters, UCSD students can rest assured that someone on campus has finally made a child — though its conception involved cutting-edge research and extraordinarily expensive machinery, instead of those weird parts you have but don’t know how to use. The robot baby, intended to resemble a human infant, can still be distinguished from an organic counterpart. It wears a permanent helmet, appears as a medley of mechanical pieces from the neck down, and can be ignored for days on end without incurring the wrath of child services. However, like

other babies, it is able to convey emotion through its wide range of facial expressions, including “creepy murderer smile,” “feed me or I’ll kill you,” and “I’m a little tired but I still would like to see you dead.” Despite the excitement of sex deceptively appearing to be an attainable prospect now that baby territory has been breached, students are less inspired by this new development than they are disturbed. First-year Jake Carter described his initial reaction: “At first I thought they were making a new ‘Chucky,’ but then I realized that this thing was way, way scarier.” Passerby UCSD senior Mike Walters added, “Did you see its eyes, man? They stare right into your soul.”

The opinion that the baby is not a robot but in fact a piece of dangerously self-aware machinery intent on killing all of humanity is spreading rapidly among students. A new organization has formed on campus that aims to keep the baby contained in a laboratory, “where it belongs.” The group, which calls itself “Students Against Scary as Shit Babies” or “SASASB,” feels that the progress made towards activity on campus which might be misconstrued as sexual is not worth the potential risks the baby poses, such as “paralyzing minds with its piercing gaze” and “hacking our computers so we can’t go on Reddit.” The two scientists creepily referring to themselves as the machine’s “parents,” Dr.

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Lisa Watson and Dr. Heinrich Clerval, insist that “he” will grow into his gremlin-like smile and wax mannequin eyebrows. Watson responded to criticisms that their creation looks more like a demented alien spawn than a human baby, saying, “We wanted to make him as lifelike as possible, but we also didn’t want him to conform to society’s ideals of beauty. He is an individual with as much feelings as any human — he just conveys them through a mildly threatening gaze.” Though it came into this world amidst a light shower of controversy, the robot baby has made one thing clear: babies are being made at UCSD, just not through traditional means, such as intercourse or insemination.

hat a game, what a game! This year’s Super Bull was crazy right? What was that? Bowl? Ha! Like for guac? That’s a good one! Oh you’re serious? No, I’m pretty sure I said it right. I mean, I was on my high school’s football team; I think I know my football. Without me all of the team would have died of dehydration. I singlehandedly carried that team to victory. Oh, you flatter me. Please, I am just a normal guy with a love for the game. But seriously though, the Super Bull was so exciting this year! The good old 48-ers were in their regular team colors and so were the Crows, both ready to move what we in the biz call the “hog-skin” across the field as many times as possible. I think we all can agree that touchdown, you know the one, was a true showing of athleticism, regardless of who you rooted for. I couldn’t believe that pass by that quarterback! Yeah, the quarter-

back, when he passed the ball to that tall guy! Oh man! After he just barely caught it he kept running until the guy with the two digit number on his back pushed him down. Talk about resilience! My favorite part was the commerc — I mean that defensive show of play in the third trimester? Oh, well, the part where the one team tried to run past the other team but got stopped was pretty cool. Remember? That looked painful. And that grass, boy was that green! In the end, I am glad the team that scored more points won. They worked really hard and they totally deserved it, so by game rules, they are going to go to Knott’s Berry Farm — a rule that goes back all the way to the first Super Bull when Paul Revere threw a lantern made of pigskin through two church towers. That’s where we got uprights. Bet you didn’t know that little piece of athletic trivia, did you? I still can’t stop thinking about the game though. I mean, the running, the cheering, the pep bands and of course the brewed, hoppy beverages. Nothing’s better than drinking some cold things and hooting at the TV with my friends, of which I assure you I have many. Anyway, ladies, if you ever need someone to help you learn football or teach you to toss a football or take you out on a date or something you know where to find me (8th floor Geisel — I’m the one with the bitchin’ cape).

Freak Quarter Inch Snowstorm Paralyzes San Diego, Residents Clueless

Transporting Triton THE

TRANSFERRER

otherfucker!” “Arriba, Arriba, M

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Burning our jackets for fuel probably wasn’t a good idea,” one student said, huddled under his textbooks. “Jerry do you have to be a smartass all the time?” another replied. BY ANDREW DENERIS Assistant Copy Editor

massive snowstorm struck southern California on February 4, with the majority of snowfall concentrated in San Diego. Final reports indicated that an unprecedented total of one quarter inch of snow blanketed the coastal city. In addition, temperatures fell to the 20s, a number most in the city were unable to comprehend. The baffling weather event struck fear into some residents, who worried that the horrific snowfall heralded the end of the world. Many San Diego natives simply stood outside and stared at the mysterious white flakes falling from the sky. “Whoa, man … it’s like water … but like, not water,” one resident remarked. “Whoa,” he added.

Widespread panic resulted in a record number of car accidents, as residents’ southern Californian driving skills, while well-suited to swerving through freeway traffic and negotiating drivethru lines at In-N-Out, were no match for the slightly slippery road surfaces and the half-mile visibility caused by the storm. “I figured going faster would let me plow through the snow better,” Clairemont resident Sandy Marcus remarked, who had just spun out and crashed into a traffic railing on Interstate 5. “Good thing that Volkswagen I slammed into first cushioned the impact.” As a result of the public’s complete inability to negotiate the city’s roadways, schools and most area businesses were shut down entirely. The city’s beaches were also deserted, as most San

Diegans assumed the ocean had frozen solid due to the extreme cold. Air travel at San Diego International Airport was also severely affected, with airport crews helpless to combat the thin dusting of snow atop the runway. “We tried shoveling it, but then it all just sort of piled up on one end, and then even more fell,” airport worker Jaime Gomez lamented. “After that, we just sort of gave up.” The public’s drastic unpreparedness for the extreme cold led to many hospitalizations for hypothermia. Dr. Nancy Wilcox of Scripps Memorial Hospital took to the airwaves to warn San Diegans about cold weather clothing, stating, “Hoodies and cargo pants are not enough, people!” during a press conference. “Jesus, don’t you guys know what a coat is?” she

asked before going into hysterics. Mayor Bob Filner declared a state of emergency for the entire city, and requested immediate aid from his fellow mayors throughout the country. Those who heard his plea for help, however, were dismissive. “Those pussies spend all their time telling us how beautiful it is down there and wondering how we deal with actually having seasons, then a little bit of snow falls and they ask for our help!?” Salt Lake City mayor Ralph Becker gasped after hanging up on Mayor Filner. “A quarter inch? Seriously? Try two feet in a single day, asshole!” Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City was similarly apathetic. “Look, I love going down there for a nice weekend getaway,” he said. “But we just got hit by a hurricane. Frankly, we don’t want to hear it, San Diego.”

TOP TEN

Valentines Gifts You Can Give Your Soon-to-Be Ex 10. Scathing, passive-aggressive Tumblr post 9. A phone call just to say “hi” 8. Hundreds of pictures of genitalia 7. Their father’s kidney meds that weren’t worth shit on the street 6. $5 gift card to Chili’s 5. Pictures of the two of you with their face cut out 4. Collection of your haikus 3. A lock of their hair they don’t remember giving you 2. A bad Yelp review 1. Their toothbrush back after you’ve used it to clean your garbage disposal

theMQ.org

Page 10

February 6, 2013

Westboro Baptist Protests Pet Rock Funeral, Sparks National Controversy

Old Man at Black’s Still Toughing It Out

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

“Have you met the crew?” Shearwater asked, gesturing to the two rock sculptures each with an opened but otherwise untouched beer bottle lying before them. BY JACK BEEGAN which includes a knee brace, Content Editor ources have confirmed that area man Richard Shearwater has continued to brave the Southern California chill in order to enjoy one of the region’s few remaining clothing-optional beaches, Black’s Beach, known by UCSD students as the space just between campus and “that blue thing.” Shearwater, 67, has been a frequent visitor to Black’s Beach since he moved to the area over 40 years ago. He has participated in such events as volleyball tournaments, barbecues, and the ill-fated nude parasailing incident of 1999, which claimed the life of a lifeguard and the innocence of two UCSD students who, at the time, were reportedly smoking weed by the cliffs when they found the sky full of wind-whipped genitalia. “Nature’s, well, nature’s beautiful — there are no words,” Shearwater said, scratching his goosebumped left buttock before turning toward the ocean. “I’m just here to take it all in.” The winter weather — which in recent weeks has dropped to temperatures as low as 51 degrees Fahrenheit — has sent all but the most stalwart clothing-averse beachgoers packing, or, at the very least, “putting on pants like a buncha sellouts,” according to Shearwater, whose zealotry for the nude aspect of the beach has alienated those who are unable to withstand the harsh conditions. “Rich is being, well, a real dick about this whole thing,” commented Steve Waszerbak, an associate of Shearwater’s who recently took to wearing a pair of jean cut-offs. “Don’t tell him I said that, though. He’s really sensitive about his name.” Shearwater, however, remains largely unfazed, though speculation of his partial forfeit to the brutal conditions was confirmed when he was seen wearing a hoodie that read “Old Guys Rock!” in addition to his usual beachwear,

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“Well, at least we know he didn’t die from starvation,” one pallbearer said to another. “Get it? ‘Cause rocks don’t eat. That’s just a little joke to lighten the mood, but this shit’s heavy.” BY TREVOR MALONE

Distribution Lieutenant

he wake of Stallone, beloved pet rock of local tenyear-old Billy Martinez, was interrupted last Sunday by members of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting near the ceremony — an action that has incited national disapproval. Analyst Debbie Greene described the event and its perception across the country as the “final straw” for lawmakers concerning the extent of Free Speech. The protesters were seen brandishing signs displaying messages reading “God Hates Rocks,” “Rocks are Pets from the Devil,” and “I Was Told We Were Getting Ice Cream After, Is That Still Happening?” Stallone passed away the

previous Friday at his residence due to complications from a sledgehammer accident the Thursday before. Ramon Martinez, Billy’s guiltridden father, commented on Stallone’s recent passing, saying, “I was doing some landscaping and it was an accident, ok? An accident. It’s just a rock I painted and glued eyes on because Billy wouldn’t shut up on the way back from SeaWorld. Seriously, don’t these people have regular jobs to go to? It was a rock!” News of this event has spread across the nation and has resulted in talks between members of both parties in Congress concerning an “Anti-Hate-Speech-TowardsRock-Based-Companions” law to prohibit such actions

from repeating. No other legislation toward other forms of hate speech have been proposed, with a bipartisan text message reading, “we may get to it eventually idk.” “Protesting at soldier’s funerals is one thing, but to desecrate such a mournful occasion is a outrage,” commented Suzanne Martinez, Billy’s mother. “I am all for free speech, but not to the extent that the words of a few can ruin a ceremony for such an inspirational figure. Our great nation has faced a lot but we have persevered and have grown from it. 9/11 sucked and we all know that, but I feel like after something that horrible we would all learn to love each other.” The protesters were witnessed following the cer-

emony from the burial at the local igneous-based pet cemetery to the reception at the Martinez household. The protesters subsequently split up after the event and followed each attendee for two days. Representatives of the group responded that they had “a little time to kill before the imaginary pet unicorn funeral and baby shower after party.” Mr. and Mrs. Martinez have announced that due to the recent events, they do not plan on adopting another pet rock for their son. Billy called the recent controversy “pretty lame.” Stallone was a great pet rock, an inspiration to us all and the best listener I have ever had the fortune of meeting,” before wiping a tear from his eye.

T A Review Book Sample C Q M 1

Science.

What is the pKa of 2,3-dimethylpentanoic acid to the nearest three significant figures?

Fill in the blanks.

The leg bone’s connected to the _____, the ________ is connected to the _____________, the _________ is connected to the _________ bone. Word bank: • Spit valve • Weenis • Thorax • Ocular protrusion • Hip • Hypothalamus • Lower Fibula

This arbitrary space intentionally left blank.

Analogy.

3 heart surgeon : heart surgery :: Bush : a) 9/11 b) 9/11 c) 9/11 d) 9/11

Essays.

One doctor is performing brain surgery on a train travelling at 71 miles per hour from Boston to Chicago. Another is performing a tracheotomy on a train travelling at 68 miles per hour from Houston to Chicago. Using one nation as an example, discuss obstacles to economic development in the former Soviet Union. “Whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Write a unified essay in which you perform the following tasks: Explain what you think the above statement means. Describe a specific situation in which whoever smelt it did not deal it. Discuss whether or not the subjectivity of human experience allows for the possibility of objectively verifying who dealt it.

a Margaritaville™ hat and copious amounts of insulating body hair. “I mean, I’m not unreasonable,” Shearwater stated. “I’m just afraid that the lack of unclothed beachgoers might give some of the more straight-laced politicians the opportunity to eliminate Black’s as a clothing-optional haven,” Shearwater said, before bending down to pull a pebble from one of his sandals, and in the process, exposing his taint to a young family walking its dog. “Oh, blue beach glass! That’s going in my fancy collection.” Shearwater added. The weather has forced Shearwater to clothe his upper body, drawing a literal line in the sand between purists against more lax nude associates. But the conditions have also meant that fewer visitors have been coming to “check out” Shearwater’s rock art exhibits. With a creative reputation that has earned him such nicknames as “the Botticelli of Black’s,” “Rembrandt in the Raw” and “Pretty Much Picasso with his Dick Hanging Out All the Time,” the once famed rock-artist has been reduced to approaching seagulls and asking them if they have seen his decorative piles of stones—one of which is rumored to include a feather. “Seagulls have a really unique take on my artwork that humans just don’t get. It’s awesome,” Shearwater commented, visibly adjusting his naked crotch. “Sometimes, they have constructive criticism for me, too. Like—oh, who am I kidding? Seagulls shit on my work. They see it and they shit all over it,” he lamented. The future is uncertain for other nude beachgoers while the state of Black’s Beach’s continued existence as a clothingoptional location hangs in the balance. At press time, however, Shearwater was still at the beach, crouched in the tide pools in an attempt to shield his testicles from an “unforgiving” wind.

TOP TEN

Fake Explanations for That Scar 10. “I got muscle reduction surgery” 9. “I got it when I was saving a bunch of kids from a burning orphanage” 8. “So I was shaving my genitals...” 7. “I made a blood oath that I would never tell — oh shit.” 6. “And this, right here, is where the xenomorph tried to come out of me” 5. “I’m not supposed to talk about what happens at confession” 4. “It was from that time I was setting an orphanage on fire” 3. “Jello wrestling is harder than you think” 2. “It’s actually my friend’s scar, I’m just holding onto it for him” 1. “Those CALPIRG folks on Library Walk are surprisingly forceful”

theMQ.org

February 6, 2013

Page 11

Shell to Pay $30 for Illegally Parked Oil Tanker

Government Invests in 3D Printers, Realizes They Can Print Money

BY ADIL MISTRY

Staff Writer

ashington publicly condemned the actions of global oil producer Royal Dutch Shell last week when it imposed a stiff $30 fine after the company illegally parked a large drilling vessel off the Alaskan coast in an ecologically protected zone. The ship was “parked” for three days, an entire day longer than U.S. law permits. While Shell insisted that it was “simply having some trouble backing out of that tight spot,” the U.S. government is “simply not having it,” and has stood by the fine. “We believe this fine will send a clear message to Shell and other major industries of what happens when you defy U.S. law,” remarked Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.). “We won’t tolerate any disobedience from the oil industry.” Paul admitted that while the U.S. has been distant in the past, it’s willing to take a more proactive and authoritative role with oil suppliers. In a statement to the press, Shell spokesman Todd Filmore called the government fines “ridiculous,” “irresponsible,” and “so not fair!” Shell has since refused to pay the fine and plans to appeal the decision, claiming that “parking” regulations have, in the past, been widespread and unpoliced. Lawmakers have expressed sympathy for Shell and suggested a reduced fine if Shell agrees to attend traffic school. Filmore responded by saying that the newest proposal was “totally lame, because BP gets to stay out late and do whatever it wants.” Experts have suggested

PHOTO BY CONNOR BREW

“I can’t wait until they grow full size,” Biden said as submerged his monster trucks in water to watch them expand over the course of several days. BY ALISON GILCHRIST

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Considering what we’ve already done to much of the Arctic, I don’t see why the U.S. government is making such a big deal of this,” a Shell spokesperson said. that the most recent exchange with Shell reveals weaknesses in the relationships between the U.S. and major oil producers, and that repeat offenses are the result of companies’ complacent mindset. Many analysts agree that the fines imposed on Shell are a step in the right direction, especially considering the government’s previous unwillingness to discipline violations. “After years of being an absentee supervisor, the U.S. is finally stepping up to the plate and cracking down on bad behavior,” industry analyst Todd Basins explained. “The stereotype of

the rebellious oil company is over.” On the other hand, economists have criticized government fines for discouraging commerce and industry in the area, and they warn that the weak economy increases the likelihood of irreversible damage on the heels of this government intervention. Junior GOP senators held a protest in solidarity with Shell to show their support, including a fundraising bake sale for the multi-billion dollar company. However, the rally failed to raise the $30 to pay for Shell’s violation. “We just couldn’t raise the cash,”

sobbed Rep. Doug Collins (RGa.) as he bit into his fourth cupcake. Although supporters have thus far been unable to foot the bill for Shell, it seems that their efforts were not completely in vain. Shell announced a commitment to minimizing the number of jobs it will have to cut to retain profits in order to meet the steep regulatory fee. “Employees are not merely being used as pawns and bargaining chips. Shell doesn’t treat its staff members as faceless numbers,” explained PressResponderID#545382.

BRIEFS, BOXERS, BOXER-BRIEFS HALF OF SUPERDOME EXPERIENCES BLACKOUT New Orleans’ Superdome, the site of this season’s Super Bowl, saw the third quarter interrupted when half the stadium lost power, leaving many in attendance in the dark. “It really changed the whole rhythm of the game,” explained witness Jacob Ross. “Football is a complex and delicate game, and it honestly just takes a lot of practice to understand all the ins and outs.” “Most people just got really drunk,” he added. “We usually use the halftime to get plastered but I mean, who would dare miss a second of Beyonce’s set? The blackout was perfect because we could all drink to the point of neardeath without shame and no one could see you willfully engage in almost instantly regrettable behavior!” Within the immediate days following the blackout, sources have reported a rise in unexpected pregnancies. “The anonymity of the dark made it more difficult to judge someone for their mental issues that would make the idea of fornicating at the Super Bowl, surrounded by thousands of people, a good idea,” commented one attendee. “Or at least that’s my best guess — honestly, I don’t remember shit.”

FRENCH TROOPS WELCOMED FOR FIRST TIME EVER Lifting the harsh rule imposed on Timbuktu by Islamic militants since October, French soldiers were shocked to find themselves welcomed

by another country’s citizens for the first time in the history of warfare. France was initially hesitant to get involved in the conflict, wary of its reputation as an incompetent, illprepared disappointment of a military. However, following a swift and efficient operation that led to the flight of the Islamist forces, the Malian government has grudgingly admitted that perhaps the French are not complete failures when it comes to armed conflict The recently liberated Malians expressed cautious gratitude to the French army. The general consensus in Timbuktu is that the French victory is “better than an amputated limb for petty theft” and “less painful than stoning, which is something that used to go on around here.” Troops were pleasantly surprised by the lack of an overwhelmingly hostile reaction, pledging to repay the favor by importing some badlyneeded rations of cigarettes and fine bleu cheese. Since then, all popular support was immediately withdrawn and the army will be evicted promptly.

WARREN AND REVELLE STUDENTS ENDURE LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP This year, astrophysics major Sophie Xu and Kyle Douglas, a mechanical engineering major, made the leap to dating’s worst situation, the Long-Distance Relationship. With Douglas living in Warren and Xu living in Revelle, they now find themselves separated by a 20 minute commute. Last year, the two began dating when they lived in

adjacent dorms in Revelle. The distance between their rooms was seemingly nonexistent compared to their current situation, making for easy last-minute plans and a short walk for him to take her home after a date. Xu thinks the extra distance will improve their relationship, forcing them to further appreciate the time they do spend together. “It’s not all bad; at least I get a workout when I walk to see him,” said Xu. “And we get to hold hands for the whole half hour walk back to my place after our dates. It’s so romantic…” “Yeah, then I get to walk alone in the cold the whole half hour back to my place. Maybe I could just sleep over a few times?” Douglas joked, passive aggressively.

should have asked you that first.” Fourth in line to succeed the President, Kerry has taken the time to get to know those ahead of him. The Secretary has since allocated Department of State resources to develop sophisticated dossiers on them. “I spoke with Vice President Biden the other day. He was very willing to step in and take the duties of President if the need ever arose,” Kerry said. “Little does he know — actually I think I’ll probably stop there.”

LOCAL MAN CONVINCED LIFE IS REPEATING AFTER MULTIPLE VIEWINGS OF GROUNDKERRY’S APPOINTHOG DAY MENT AS SECRETARY OF STATE Local slacker Milton approached the scienINITIATES ELABO- Burry tific community last Saturday, that he had discovRATE PRESIDEN- claiming ered a temporal rift in the fabTIAL SUCCESSION ric of spacetime. He presented this claim the next day and PLOT each subsequent day since. Appointed as Secretary of State earlier this week, former Massachusetts Senator John Kerry hinted at a convoluted scheme to take revenge for his defeat in 2004’s presidential election to George W. Bush. “At the end of the day, terrorists are still going to terrorize, radicals are still going to be radical, and the Germans are still going to Germanize,” Kerry remarked. “But while the State Department is busy worrying about stepping on toes, I’ll be making my move to the Oval Office. “This is off the record, right?” he asked. “Damn it, I

Burry, who attests that each day he wakes once again to find himself on the morning of February 2nd, stated, “I drag myself out of bed, eat dry cereal for breakfast, watch ‘Groundhog Day’ on repeat, eat cereal for dinner, and then go to bed. I’ve stumbled upon some sort of time anomaly.” With scientists’ schedules perpetually filled with more pressing matters such as soliciting funds from donors, the search for a solution to Burry’s plight has been abandoned. The duty of dealing with Burry has recently been left to the interns, who have taken to pretending that they have never seen him before.

Staff Writer ith the prospect of widely available 3D printing becoming more and more believable, the U.S. government has made the bold decision to invest 45 million dollars in a new printing center. Officials have been reportedly excited over the imminent ability to print military equipment, building supplies, and currency. “We are extremely optimistic about the future of the dollar now that we can finally claim the technology to print money as our own,” said Timothy Geithner, current Secretary of the Treasury. “We were kind of starting to wonder where it was all coming from, to be honest.” According to sources in the government, the initial reasons for investing in the 3D printers were not currency-related. Instead, a small group of influential politicians became interested in the prospect of confectionary-based implementation. “You didn’t hear it from me, but when Michelle heard you could print with chocolate she was all over that shit,” explained Vice President Joe Biden. “Next thing we knew it was nothing but ‘chocolate flags’ and ‘chocolate fighter jets’ being ordered from the Oval Office.” However, the Treasury Department soon realized the additional ramifications of the technology. “I was just sitting on the can when I suddenly had that eureka moment,” said Geithner. “I thought: if we can now print three-dimensional objects, we can print money! It was like finally figuring out what exactly a ‘fiscal cliff’ is; it was that momentous.” Other members of the treasury were informed, and plans were immediately put in place to start the production of an official United States currency. “It will mostly look the same, but we’re going to finally

kick Andrew Jackson off the twenty,” said treasury worker Rosa Gumataotao-Rios. “Nowadays we don’t really want to show off our most racist presidents. Oh, and the green is out. We’re considering a nice shade of puce.” Reports say the government will begin to take advantage of the technology as soon as it becomes available and will quickly begin printing dollars of its own. So far, the printer’s access list includes the president, his cabinet, a select group of Pentagon officials, and any members of Congress who remembered it was Geithner’s birthday on Tuesday. “We have reminded all important personnel to use their best judgment when it comes to printing an appropriate amount of money, as wealth that is too concentrated could send the message that Washington is operating with unnecessary opulence,” said Geithner. “Luckily, congressional senators have a history of showing restraint when it comes to large amounts of money and opulent lifestyles.” Despite this warning from the Treasury, there are already reports of unusual spending under the United States seal. Washington, D.C., warehouses have been swamped with the volume of recent imports, leading to shortages of everything from subtly-patterned blue ties to subtly-patterned red ties. Although economists are, for the most part, confident that the 3D printers will improve the U.S. economy, some have said publically they will reserve judgment until after the printers are in full use. “Puce? Really?” asked economist Ebenezer Moneybags. “As if our structural deficit isn’t already hampered enough without making our money tackier than the government’s poor approach to supply-side policies?”

TOP TEN

Ways to Cope with Your 5th Year Living On-Campus 10. Alcoholism 9. Apply to live in Falling Star 8. Pursue your second true passion and change major for sixth time 7. Make a depressing collage out of tuition receipts 6. Kill and bury all of your roommates 5. Start an unpaid internship at Burger King 4. Petition for a quadruple major 3. Drop alcoholism, experiment with other forms of life crippling addiction 2. Enough is enough! Die from food poisoning 1. Finally get sophomore standing

theMQ.org

Page 12

February 6, 2013

Awards Season Rundown

Glitz. Glamour. Gluten-free. Awards season is upon us, and we statuette junkies are here to teach you how to properly navigate the ceremonies this season. This year’s red carpets have been a thrill ride of sequins, velvet and those three nip slips that just turned out to be well-executed sideboob. Here are the best moments of award show fashion so far this year, so you can get your red carpet razzle dazzle fix without subjecting yourself to the terrible journalism of Yahoo! News.

Jolie claims she “just threw this outfit together” with pieces by Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam!

Jennifer Lawrence and Anne Hathaway accidentally show up in same dress — How embarrassing! Steve Buscemi brings out extra buggy eyes

Oscars Drinking Game

Quiz: Which awards show is right for you?

Tired of sifting through that keygrip’s garbage, desperately trying to get closer to your dream of stardom? Well, you’re not alone! And here’s a drinking game that might take the edge 1. What inanimate object do you identify with most? off of jealously watching the Academy Awards. A. Blimps B. A Phonograph

Key:

Pre-pregaming the pregame Your daughter’s high school soccer awards ceremony drunk Emmy wasted

C. Comedy and Tragedy Masks

E. Gold-dipped men

Take a Drink:

Matt Damon successfully fights urge to use the word “wicked” as an adverb Every instance of sexual tension between Billy Crystal and the gigantic Oscar statue Every instance of forced banter between presenters Seth MacFarlane acts like a smug douchebag

Take a Shot:

For every even-handed representation of a minority Whenever that Hollywood a-hole Sean Penn opens his filthy, Obamalovin’ mouth If a piece of Joan Rivers’ face exhibits self-aware behavior

Finish Your Drink:

D. Un Phonógrapho

F. A Medal

2. Who would be your ideal date to an awards ceremony? A. Your mom B. Four of your closest Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends C. Tony’s sister, just to rub it in his stupid face D. ¡Shakira, Shakira! E. That really quiet guy from “The Artist” F. Your Mother Teresa blow-up doll

3. What are your plans for after the ceremony?

A. Coke with Amanda Bynes B. Babysit an acid-fried Adele as she tries to literally set fire to the rain C. See if you can get Wolverine’s autograph! D. Cocaína con Amanda Bynes E. Tell your therapist that getting nominated is good enough F. Buy 2 million McDonald’s apple pies

4. If your friend came to you for advice on how to approach a crush, what would you do? A. Laugh in Sally’s face ‘cause she’s ugly as hell and Billy’s like way cute—he’d never go for her B. Politely tell your friend the guy from Radiohead always looks like that and was probably not “making eyes” at him C. Tell him to back off of Neil Patrick Harris; he’s yours — he just doesn’t know it yet D. Dígale, “No te preocupes, necesita tener la confianza para decir la verdad que está en tu corazón” E. Just stick to what the teleprompter says and don’t, for the love of God, go off the script F. Let your friend know that a declaration of war shows confidence

Every time Roman Polanski’s federal your dark secret? marshal escort lets him use the bath- 5. What’s A. Functioning slime addict room B. Your award-winning spoken word album was heavily Auto-Tuned C. You’re just a musician who wandered up from the pit If someone can’t pronounce “Een D. You don’t even speak Latin Zeer Triest Terhaal,” which should E. One time, you accidentally fed Meryl Streep after midnight totally win best foreign film Because George Clooney will never touch you

F. You and Rahm Emanuel just killed a drifter to see if either of you could feel anything Quiz Results:

Mostly Mostly Mostly Mostly Mostly Mostly

A’s: B’s: C’s: D’s E’s: F’s:

Kid’s Choice Awards Grammy Awards Tony Awards Latin Grammy Awards The Acadamy Awards The Nobel Peace Prize