The MQ Volume 27 Issue 7 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

June 2, 2021

“Drink some water. I am concerned.” - Dionne Warwick, Six-Time Grammy Winner and Musical Legend

Volume XXVII Issue VII

If you’re reading this, who’s flying the plane?

Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat

IN THIS ISSUE LOCAL MILF RISKS IT ALL AT RUBIO’S

AREA MAN TO RESUME IN-PERSON CONVERSATION IN MID-JUNE

THE MQ GOES OFF THE GRID

6,7

VIDEO GAME JOURNALIST LEARNS TO JUMP DURING FINAL BOSS BATLLE

LOCAL SENIOR PROCRASTINATES HAVING SENORITIS

NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY JACK YANG “Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer. BY MATTHEW WARE Staff Writer

ollowing their successful reproductions of ground beef and burger patties, Impossible Foods is launching their first attempt at a plant-based human meat. After high demand from bloodthirsty vegetarians and cannibals alike, Impossible Flesh will now be available at retailers nationwide. According to Patrick Brown, the CEO and founder of Impossible Foods, “this vegan analog for human flesh is more environmentally friendly and cuts down on the harmful greenhouse gas emissions released by traditional cultivation of human meat.” Brown’s announcement follows the release of a recent study conducted by the United Nations, which estimates that “50-65% of all methane emissions are related to human activity, and that

eliminating our consumption of human meat would use 96% less land and 87% less water.” “Humans are probably the most destructive and most invasive species on Earth,” says Brown. “Our demand for humans requires huge amounts of crops and water, which is just not sustainable for our growing population.” Brown explains that his company’s mock corpse product is also better for your health. “When you compare our product to the average unsuspecting American body, you’ll find that our meat has more protein, vitamins, calcium, fiber, and less fat, cholesterol, and hormones.” Some lucky influencers in the Los Angeles area were able to get their taste buds on the Impossible Flesh with the condition that they posted it on their social media. Ariana Grande, a prominent vegan activist since 2013, posted

a picture of herself with the product on her Instagram with the hashtags #SaveTheHumans and #DontEatHumans. Educational YouTuber Mark Rober posted a video with Irish economist and philanthropist Jonathan Swift trying an Impossible Flesh burger. “It’s not as tender as baby meat, ” said Swift, “but it’s still bloody delicious.” Impossible Foods has a team of scientists that conduct experiments to replicate the taste, and work tirelessly to do so. “You must understand that simplicity is sometimes the easiest way to go about things, ” says Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lead food scientist at Impossible Foods. “And for our Impossible Flesh, it’s all about the genetically engineered fava bean, the bean which has enough iron to give anything a bloody taste. Of course, it’s not as fun as murdering people, but if it’s the planet we care about, we have to put that first.”

Other companies have stated they will also get in on the trend. Beyond Meat, Soylent Corp., Tyson, and Gardein have all mentioned plans to come up with their own versions of the humanless meat. A Tyson spokesperson says they plan to start producing humanless, dinosaur shaped nuggets while Gardein representatives have mentioned plant-based Albert Fish Nuggets. Both companies hope to have their foods on school lunch menus beginning this fall for “Fleshless Fridays.” As more stores and restaurants start supplying Impossible Flesh, consider picking up a package of it for your next Donner “Reenactment” Party, National Jeffery Dahmer Day celebration, or even for your totally not creepy at all Sunday tradition of drinking the body and blood of Christ to live a more sustainable, savory, and safe lifestyle.

Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK: A GUIDE TO BECOMING THE WORLD’S BEST GOLF CADDY Horace Scope, locally-renowned golf caddy, has begun the press tour for his latest book on the delicate art of golf caddying. Ace of Clubs: Bringing a Poker Face onto the Golf Course presents, in Scope’s own words, “the opportunity to remind people that golfers don’t pull their own weight, or clubs.” “It was a cold, wintery morning when I first stepped onto the Denver Municipal Golf Course,” wrote Scope. “It took a team of a dozen snowmen five days to dig me out of the snow-filled sand trap

on hole 13.” These are just a few of the intrepid moments presented in this horrifyingly-long treatise on club-lugging. When Scope was asked about the low sales of his previous book, Not Everything Can Be a Holein-One: The Will to Keep Driving, he remarked “It’s just par for the course, authors rarely have success in the Denver Metropolitan area.” It may be for this reason that Scope has chosen to relocate to the golf-capital of the world: La Jolla, California.

TRADER JOE’S BAG BEGS FOR RECYCLING A paper bag recently used to carry one bottle of Chardonnay out of a Trader Joe’s is now resting under the sink in a local college student’s apartment. UCSD student and decidedly bad person Josephine Traighdére is “blissfully unaware” of the stack of aging grocery bags “crushing the life and soul” out of the recently purchased paper bag. Now folded up, the paper bag is “less than one millimeter of life” thick and “only longs to be recycled.” Once, this bag reportedly aspired to be a makeshift

recycling bin, imagining itself containing some glass bottles and cardboard packaging on its way to the next life (a bigger recycling bin). Such hopes were cut short when Traighdére didn’t want the cute Trader Joe’s cashier to think she was just buying alcohol. The paper bag would not have chosen to be the vessel of these boastful lies, but such events unfortunately come to be when one is an inanimate object devoid of agency. “Alas,” the paper bag would say, if it could speak.

THOUGHTS FROM THE HOSTESS TABLE PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide. BY ROBERT RENFRO

Assistant Content Editor fter four years of painstaking theoretical study of how sugar cane and sugar beets are grown and transformed into the refined saccharine product that fills basically all foods, UCSD senior

Lyle Kirby-Newkirk has finally mastered the ins and outs of the sugar production process. He is now prepared to begin the procedure of removing molasses out of the product, thus creating what is widely known as granulated sugar. As word spread of his accomplishment,

there was rejoicing all over the world, and Kirby-Newkirk announced that he already has plans to celebrate his great feat. First, he says, “Commencement is the beginning — commencement of the granulation process, I mean, obviously. As we’ve been told over and

over, granulation is a separate event from commencement. Commencement is the formal act of recognizing that you are about to actually produce refined glucose and sucrose

See Granulates, page 2

LOCAL BAKERY RELEASES NEW PRODUCT

STICKMAN STUCK AT DEAD-END JOB

Described as“macawrong”

Has no exit strategy

After being in a pandemic, living in the darkness of my haunted house, and letting my once juicy, voluptuous buttocks decay into the folds of my bed, I have landed the coveted job of being a hostess at a brunch spot. Never in my life have I felt such power and authority. As a hostess, you are the face of the restaurant; the first person the guests interact with, the beholder of the waitlist. You wield your trusty iPad like a shield, defending yourself against wives and millennials who wish you harm due to the fact that you just said, “Hey welcome! How many in

your party? Two? So it looks like the wait is going to be about two hours. What’s the party name? Awesome, and a number we can text you at? Great, thank you, we will send you a text as soon as we have a table for ya.” They press on, “Well why can’t we be seated now, there are so many tables open,” but you never give in to their demands, you make them wait in the hot sun in anticipation for overpriced pancakes for as long you want, because you can ... and because the official California COVID-19 restaurant policy is a serious bitch.

See BRIEFS, page 11

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theMQ.org

June 2, 2021

Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill

“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter. BY GEORGIA ST. GEEGLAND Staff Writer

escribed by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned hourglass body” of his “RPG wet dreams,” and the face of a “mature nymph reflecting the sensual wonders of a blissful summer morning,” Kerney County resident and self-diagnosed “MILF,” Loretta Kooter, has admitted to having some trouble this pandemic., but she hopes to make historic progress by bringing visibility to the plight of the pandemic MILF. “I’m not letting a little viral action interrupt my most fuckable years,” declared Kooter. Kooter acknowledged her growing attachment to being the talk of the town. “Young male attention sustains my will to live in ways my husband and five step-children could never,” she said. “I may be a mom, but I know I want to live my honest truth, be the best that I can be, and wear low cut shirts while calling

boys younger than me ‘tiger.’” Kooter lamented that the global pandemic has hit her especially hard, and that her MILF-ing opportunities have declined significantly with restaurant restrictions. “Like clockwork, every Sunday evening, I would eat at my town’s combination Rubio’s Coastal Grill and Lutheran church. Every doe-eyed Alpha Gamma Bakersfield boy within a five-mile pheromonesniffin’ radius would come to admire me in my tiny, tiny Barbie clothes, tits almost completely out, chowing down on my bursting seafood burrito like there’s no tomorrow. God, I miss it.” Kooter recalls a particularly “fruitful” summer she believes she took for granted. “That summer was just so hot that my blouses at the end of each night were close to seethrough. And oh, I just loved the thrill of my ass fat hanging out of my shorts and merging with the booth, making it so I had to peel myself off with a loud pop. That’s when I really knew I had everyone’s attention.”

Kerney County has since lifted some of its dining restrictions, leaving Kooter feeling “lucky, but frustrated” with the return to in-person service. “I can’t see those fresh little jocks drooling when they have their masks on. It feels so impersonal. Let me see those damp chins. Let me see the glazed eyes paired with an open mouth, agape at the wonder that is me. Just let me at ‘em.” When asked about any health and safety concerns she might have with dining out, Kooter commented, “Listen, it’s just another virus. And I’ve had just about every single one you can think of. Rubio’s Coastal Grill toilet stalls have given me more than a family — they’ve given me total viral immunity.” Considering the circumstances, family members say that Kooter remains cheerfully optimistic about her prospects, and has since adapted her routine to fit the times. “Life is short, but Rubio’s is forever,” declared Kooter. “As a Coastal Grill

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Granulates

products. You can only granulate if you’ve met all required criteria. So, with the pending completion of one required art class, ‘Watercolor Criticism B,’ and one required social science class, ‘Behavioral Watercolor Criticism,’ I will be able to get that molasses out of my sugar.” “Many students find that studying sugar production, although useful and rewarding, was far more difficult than they had expected, and takes roughly four years to complete,” says Blago Treloar, a spokesperson for UCSD, the University of California Sugar Department. “For instance, one may ask how much sugar to produce from sugar cane. It’s not a simple question to answer. It depends not only on how much you need, but broader macroeconomic conditions such as inflation. I can briefly — wait, don’t leave — I can briefly explain it to you with a chart where Y stands for ‘output’ and is on the x-axis, and π stands for ‘inflation’ and is on the y-axis — no, shut up,

that makes perfect sense. Anyway, this is a little known fact, but when inflation increases relative to the sugar cane’s expected level of inflation, you can actually produce more sugar from the same amount of sugar cane. In technical terms we would consider this phenomenon to be a movement along the SRAS, or short run aggregate syrup curve. It slopes upward due to sticky prices, heh heh, you know, because of the sugar it’s sticky, heh heh, am I right? C’mon, that’s funny. So yeah, uh, while this may seem bizarre at first to anyone unfamiliar with the process, but to those in the know, it’s just standard Canesian theory.” Treloar was removed immediately from his position for his comments and UCSD has issued an apology. Although the time spent studying sugar production was often described as both “grueling” and another bland food, “oatmealing,” KirbyNewkirk will finally be able to say, “this is pretty sweet.”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH baddie, I’m not too fazed by this. I merely evolve, like a sex pokémon. In fact, instead of hand sanitizer, I just use Lubriderm, to keep everything slippery. I’ve found it makes a lasting impression both in and out of the men’s room.” After asking to leave the restaurant for engaging in the aforementioned practices, the Rubio’s Coastal Grill manager noted that Kooter shrugged and wiped her nose with her ring finger, saying, “Deadly disease or not, life’s a big ol’ baseball game. And you best believe I’ve come to play and I play to come.” According to an underpaid closing shift waiter, after gifting such insight, Kooter proceeded to “down an entire bottle of cheap merlot in the parking lot, with what little light she had left fading from her sunken eyes.” The waiter recalled her, before driving home, chanting, “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere and it’s time to bone.”

Ferb! I know what we’re going to satirize today!

THE MQ

Editor-in-Chief....................Stephen Lightfoot Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor.....................Aniela Drumonde Ass. Content Editor............Matthew Miltimore Ass. Content Editor..................Robert Renfro Ass. Content Editor.............. Varsha Varkhedi Design Editor.....................................Bri Arce Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor...............................Jack Yang

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

Ass. Graphics Editor....................Maria Dhilla Social/Publicity Chair.............Hanaa Moosavi Social/Publicity Ottoman...............Jacob King Copy Editor.............................Ram Sivapalan Copy Editor................................Adian Valdez Ass. Copy Editor....................Gage Tanzman Web Editor........................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain.............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant...........Kaz Nuckowski MQ Uncle’s Roommate.........Dan Kaliblotzky Muir Advisor......................Jason Thibodeaux

Staff Members

“The Creation of Satire” by MQelangelo

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. When I first learned about The MQ, I had just finished up convocation during welcome week of my first year -- I was handed a copy of The MQ as several editors had positioned themselves between RIMAC and Goody’s to try and recruit folks. I remember seeing an ad in the paper for welcome week events, and walked into the office for a proposed movie night, not knowing if I had made it to the right building. I was greeted with a “Oh shit, yeah, you found the right room. We just didn’t think anyone would show up this early.” Now, a little more than a year after my election as Editor-in-Chief, and with seven virtual productions under our collective belts, we’ve finally reached the final issue of the year. The past seven issues have been challenging to put it lightly, but I’ve always been amazed by the perseverance of our staff members, and especially our editors. I’m extremely proud of the work we’ve been able to do. Even while making jokes and producing a paper during a global pandemic, we still produced an amazing paper, and for that, everyone should be incredibly proud of themselves. This org has been a rock for me over the past four years of college, and I’ll miss it (and all of you) dearly. So long, and thanks for all the satire! - Stephen

Ayushi Banerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Saul Chaplin Jade Coniglio Emily Cronan Melina Cruz Rani Das

Max Fine Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane Andrew Keller Jina Lee Isabelle Mckelvey

Seth McLaughlin Keshav Mittal Chester Ni Tomoka Ozaki Avaneesh Pentaparthy Bryce Pollack Sophie Pubb Pilan Scruggs

Georgia St. Geegland Mackenzy Tolliver Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Benjamin Velasco Matthew Ware

Booster Club This is normally the portion of the paper where we thank the members of our team who provided snacks, rides, and dining dollars. Because the production of this issue was done over Zoom, however, we have decided to instead — HAH. Kidding! We actually had a little get together, and we have some friends to thank! Shouts out to Sharon, Ayushi, Aniela, Dan, Andrew, Jack, Jerry and Stephen for bringing an assorted variety of snacks and trinkets. Despite this note being more mundane, it does bring unrelenting bounding joy upon myself to know that I am in the company of friends once more. I love everyone who is here and I am exploding in excitement to meet the new Staff Writers/Editors who I have not had the fortune to meet. Cheers, Andrew Sitko - Managing Editor

June 2, 2021

theMQ.org

UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS

Page 3

Ask Emily Queue I just realized my professor is a communist. How do I report her to J. Edgar Hoover? Listen -- if our professors weren’t communists, I’d be freaking out right now Don’t report them! Learn from them They probably can rec you some cool books to read so that you can okay the dirty commies have stopped reading this by now What you need to do to report that red bastard is far from simple, but it’s your American duty to do so Unfortunately, J. Edgar Hoover is long dead, and he never named a successor before his untimely demise Us in the know have considered many senators, HOA chairs, and wives of former secretaries of Agriculture, Transportation, and the Interior, but nothing has ever been proven What you need to do is watch your professor very, very carefully and check to see if she missteps and lets you in on where the rest of the unpatriotic hammer and sickles hang out Some people say it’s the Che Cafe, but that’s too obvious It’s probably underneath a Stuart Art Collection piece, or Canyon Vista Places no one ever goes to are perfect for secret rendezvous Meet me at the MQ office in Muir to assemble a special task force, but for now, bide your time

In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.” BY GAGE TANZMAN

Ass. Copy Editor CSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has publicly announced their decision to appoint Professor Yurstil Weyting to the position of Administrative Director beginning this fall. This decision comes with an uproar from Weyting’s students, protesting his failure to hold his office hours before important exam dates. Amanda Engle, one of Weyting’s students, tweeted, “I’ve had at least four mental breakdowns over this class. This midterm is worth 40% of my grade, and it’s tomorrow, and Weyting hasn’t even released our last quiz grades yet!! I was in his office hours waiting room for three hours

before I had to leave for another class. Ugh!!” Other students have expressed similar frustrations towards Weyting’s teaching style. Weyting is rated 2.3 on ratemyprofessors.com, with notable comments including: “Even with the lectures at 2x speed his teaching puts me to sleep,” and, “I didn’t even know I failed his class until my academic advisor reached out to him a month before I graduated begging him to release grades.” CAPS’ administration released a statement last Tuesday, claiming, “We believe Professor Weyting has proven himself to be an individual who cares about students and their mental well-being. Everything he does aligns with our values as

a UCSD organization, and we are excited to bring him onto the team. We have full confidence that Weyting will be a great fit in the CAPS office.” Many students are not surprised by the announcement. Gary Tarsen, a thirdyear struggling with anxiety and stress, offered his view on CAPS and Weyting’s appointment. “Yeah, I mean, this all checks out. The first time I went to CAPS I was in the middle of a full-on breakdown and they had me sitting in the waiting room for like two hours. By the time I was speaking to a counselor, I wasn’t even upset anymore. And forget trying to schedule a meeting with them — I had to wait three months just so someone could call me to get my name, number, and

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

availability. It makes sense that the slowest teacher on campus is gonna’ be running things around there. I mean, maybe my next session will even be bumped up to this year once Weyting gets everything up to speed.” Despite numerous student protests, CAPS appears to be going ahead with their decision. Weyting wrote, in an email to his students twenty minutes before a midterm, “You might not have heard, but I will be leaving this position. To compensate for my leaving later this quarter, you can expect the midterm to be twice as long and full of next week’s material as well. Ask your TAs to answer any questions later. Please do not email me. I do not like speaking to you all.”

Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin

. .

Can I still eat at Chick-fil-A? The fact that you’re asking me this question means that you already know that Chick-fil-A is morally corrupt, even for a corporation They donate a lot of money to anti-LGBTQ+ groups, the owner has gone on record to say that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, and honestly the ad campaigns are a little juvenile But, then again, waffle fries Also, no one talks about it but they legitimately serve one of the best vanil a cones I have ever tasted I understand, I really do In terms of plain statistics, you probably give less than a pittance in donating, even if you eat there every week But if every time you wait in line at Chick-fil-A, and you think about all the horrible things people believe in the world, take a self-care moment and go to, like, Shake Shack

What are the best first date spots in Phoenix, AZ? There’s only one spot in Phoenix that’s unforgettable, exciting, and wil leave your date begging for more If you’re a daredevil hoping to woo that special someone, or looking to step outside of your comfort zone with a sexy stranger, there’s only one place to consider So without further ado: the best first date spot in Phoenix, Arizona is the airport Buy yourself and your date a one-way ticket and never look back Before you board the plane, invite your date to the airport Olive Garden There, you are family Your wedding wil be free, and breadsticks wil be included Who cares if it’s a first date? This is for life This is mediocre spaghetti with an authentic, artisanal blend of Parmesan cheese from the Champagne region of France This is Phoenix

“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.” BY JACOB KING

Soc/Pub Ottoman rom shopping to entertainment, digital technology has already revolutionized almost every aspect of daily life, with no signs of slowing down. The unstoppable tide of digital progress now seeks to challenge the most recent behemoth: currency with novel concepts such as non-fungible tokens (NFTs) and new cryptocurrencies like KermitCoin. This wave of progress can be seen in the excitement surrounding The Walt Disney Company’s announcement to sell the Kermit the Frog puppet that was used in their 2011 film, The Muppets, as an NFT. For those unfamiliar with the concept, NFTs are a blockchain-backed way to create scarcity for digital goods, thus increasing their value. The choice to sell the Kermit the Frog puppet has confused many, as NFTs are designed specifically for digital goods, and scarcity is not a problem for physical items. In response to this confusion, a Disney spokesperson

reached out to comment, saying, “Due to the rising popularity of NFTs, we believe there will be many Disney fans interested in purchasing an officially licensed Disney NFT, and we here at The Walt Disney Company put the wants of the fans first and foremost.” Upon further questioning, the spokesperson clarified that the purchaser of this NFT would “only hold the license of one specific digital image and would have no right to the physical puppet featured in the image.” The specific image in question is a 480p picture of Kermit laying down on a table, taken from a bird’s eye view. The current top bid is 10 Etherium, or $27,930.40. While the internet is still buzzing about Disney’s official NFT, a new product called KermitCoin has also been created, seemingly to capitalize on the interest generated by the NFT. The creator, who goes by the tag @TheOmniEagle on Twitter, urges followers to buy the new cryptocurrency and not to miss out on a “once in

a lifetime investment.” As the creator hoped, the popularity of the Disney NFT has brought attention to the newly minted cryptocurrency. Many users have started asking the creator questions on Twitter in order to clarify the specifics of KermitCoin. One user asked, “Is the amount of KermitCoins limited?” to which the creator responded, “what?” Another user asked “Is this crypto even backed by the blockchain?” and the creator responded with “you’re blocked lmao.” Even with many doubts surrounding its validity, KermitCoin had a surge over the weekend going from .000000001 cents to 0.00000003 cents. In light of this news, @TheOmniEagle said that KermitCoin was “officially a huge dub.” Not all are excited about the new cryptocurrency, though. Many environmental activists warn about the dangers of promoting cryptocurrencies. “Both cryptocurrencies and NFTs are extremely damaging to the environment. They encourage individuals to run very powerful computers

PHOTO BY JACK YANG 24/7, which use large amounts of energy, most of which is produced in power plants, which use fossil fuels,” said environmental activist Mary Manners. “We understand wanting to increase the value of digital goods, but we encourage online creators to find a method that doesn’t rely on the literal destruction of our planet.” Despite these environmental concerns, excitement has continued to grow for this new “investment opportunity.” Interest by internet personality and self-proclaimed crypto expert Elon Musk is likely a large contributing factor. Musk recently tweeted out his delight in KermitCoin, stating that he “absolutely” believes in its value and would “stake his employee’s wages” on that belief. Some commenters seem to be quite happy about Musk’s tweet, with one saying that “it’s great that these billionaires are looking out for the little people and are absolutely not using their massive influence to inflate the price of these coins for their own personal gain.”

. . .

. At what point is it cannibalism? Okay, weird question. But let it be known that Emily Queue does not back down from a challenge. Or a potential “aiding and abetting in a murder” charge. But -- okay. Okay. God, what is the point when it’s cannibalism? If you do a Shakespearean monologue,

arms spread wide and imploring, clutching a real human skull, and then an hour later are chewing your fingernails because you just found out a famous, scathing critic was dead center in the audience, is it cannibalism if there’s skull essence on your hands? Oh, god, I’m a cannibal Oh god. I’m a cannibal and I never even got to know what human meat tastes like! What a wasted opportunity! Uh, hypothetically

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theMQ.org

Area Man to Resume In-Person Conversation Mid-June

June 2, 2021

UCSD Senior “Living in Hell,” Doing Everything Except Schoolwork

MARIA DHILLA “The only thing I’m pro at is procrastination,” said Adani. BY HANAA MOOSAVI

Soc/Pub Chair s the summer approaches, UCSD seniors have shown a rise in therapy appointments and missed assignments across the entire class. Multitudes of fourthyears report displays of multiple red zeroes on Canvas, as professors have begun to log in every missed assignment, slept-through lecture, and “immensely profound” emails asking for extensions or class attendance pardons. One student in particular, Jamila Adani, has been pushing the limits of what the school calls “excessive senioritis.” “I swear I am not doing this on purpose,” Adani told reporters after waking up late for her third rescheduled interview. “It’s been difficult balancing all the different things I have to do, y’know? Like I have all these commitments from my previous years at this stupid school, and I hold officer positions in some of them because, of course, I had to show my dedication to these orgs! That means more work, and now, the will to do anything is just not there. I was even promoted at work. Promoted! But do you think I am going to work just as hard as I did when I was sitting in my nice ergonomic chair at the office? NO! Don’t you remember? We are in the middle of a fucking goddamn governmentally inept cluster— ” Adani’s statement was cut off due to internet lag. After reaching out to Adani’s Critical Political Thinking professor, Gregory Sands, to get a statement on her recent work in class, Sands seemed confused. “Jamila Adani? Jamila Adani. Hm … And she’s definitely in my class?” After some time, and pulling up the class roster, Sands claimed,

A After the party, Kalebloomsky said, “The dude I was talking to wouldn’t leaf me alone.” BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY

MQ Uncle’s Roommate

t has been announced that COVID-19 restrictions on local man Daniel Kalebloomsky’s social life may be lifted by mid-June. This announcement follows news of Kalebloomsky’s vaccination and subsequent two weeks of sitting around his apartment doing nothing as he waited for full immunity. “Now that I’m vaccinated, things can finally start to change,” said Kalebloomsky. “Everything will go back to normal and I’m going to be able to be a complete party animal. It will be just like before the pandemic!” Kalebloomsky reportedly attended no parties in the months prior to the pandemic.

Kalebloomsky plans to continue social distancing for an additional month “on purpose,” for safety. “I want to see people again, really badly. So I’m going to make plans. Because that’s not a stressful thing to do, right? I’ll definitely make plans. So many plans. I’ll never have a waking moment to myself. That’s what happy people do, right?” To sustain social interaction during the pandemic, Kalebloomsky registered on DoorDash as “Dan’s Pizza”. However, no orders were delivered, as he flushed his phone down the toilet after seeing a notification from someone he didn’t know. “I also tried some socially distanced conversations back in July, but I’ve been really

struggling with small talk business. I considered starting a GoFundMe to help, but then instead of social anxiety, I would have social anxiety and money.” The conversation-starting process will take place over the next month, subject to change based on how cringey the text Kalebloomsky just typed out looks to him. Further projected obstructions are ruminations on whether or not people still say “down,” contemplations on the history of his use of “sick” in the positive slang way, and breakable unspoken promises that he will reach out “tomorrow.” Kalebloomsky will reportedly proceed with a soft opening to conversations in mid-June, consisting of “Are you free this

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Friday?” or maybe just “hey.” “Social anxiety worldwide has had a steep downfall in demand in the past year, so introverts worldwide are preparing for a strong reentry into the hateful self-talk industry,” reported pathological business metaphor researcher Anne Gashuss. Gashuss is currently running a study examining the use of “I don’t know” as a filler word by adults seeing therapists paid for with their small business loans. “Lots of people are concerned that the pandemic has made them a weaker, worse person,” Gashuss said. “I’d tell those people not to worry. You were just this bad before the pandemic; you just never had to face it.”

Local Man Claims Cereal Box Art Made Him a Furry

“Oh yeah, she emailed me around 11 minutes after a recent deadline had passed. It was actually really funny. She spent three whole sentences owning her ‘tactlessness’ and ‘poor-planning,’ sending me a paragraph of an email asking for the potential of an extension. I told her I was happy to award a dedicated student this ‘one-time leeway.’ I mean, anything to avoid reading another novel in my Gmail inbox.” “No, it’s really bad,” Adani’s friend Helfy Kuswar admitted. “Jamila never reaches out about her issues, she doesn’t like to vent — ever. But one night, around 11:24 p.m., I got like seven texts from her freaking out about all the different assignments she had to do.” Kuswar told reporters that Adani was “driven so far over the edge,” that seeing her dog poop in the house — after the longest accident-free period of household puppy digestive behavior ever recorded in recent history — made her burst into tears. “Students like Adani are everywhere,” claimed Dr. Tamereek Cressor, who in a recent study “confirmed what everyone already knew” when she measured that seniors’ motivation levels and general interest in learning have dropped exponentially in correlation to online schooling. “They are suffering from something more serious than the potential COVID-19 threats. The danger of senioritis, the threat of failing out of every course registered for the quarter, and the mistake of cutting hair into an unflattering style and crying over it — all of these very likely incidents conflate into the larger issue of dealing with the future, and possibly needing to ask for a graduation extension, which is a fate worse than death.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Best Names for Your Beloved Racehorse to Show How Much You Cherish Them PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

Fox says, “It’s not just a meal, mom.” BY YURI BUKHRADZE Staff Writer

eorge Fox, a 21-year-old San Diegan and avid fan of breakfast cereal, claims that his love for the box art donning his favorite cereal brands led him to be more accepting of the furry fandom and to eventually become a member himself. According to Fox, his change of heart was “definitely due to that hot tiger that I saw every morning. I’ve been eating Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Froot Loops my entire life, and I just fell in love with the cute animal characters on the box. I always thought it was normal, but other kids made fun of me back in school.” Fox says that his love for anthropomorphic cereal mascots was “sort of an artistic hobby” for him. “Tony the Tiger inspired me to cre-

ate my own cereal mascots, I call them ‘cerealsonas’ — it’s a mashup of ‘cereal’ and ‘persona.’ It seems like these cerealsonas are everywhere: I went to a football game in high school, and there was a cereal mascot cheering our players on. I saw an ad about fire safety, and there he was, Smokey the Bear — I wonder if he stands for some bacon cereal. And then there’s Bigfoot! It’s so weird.” Last year, Fox discovered Twitter, and found out about the furry fandom. The discovery was “equally shocking and delightful” to him. “I found other people who enjoyed the cereal box art of anthropomorphic mascots,” he shared. “There was a lot of art of Tony the Tiger, that bee from Honey Nut Cheerios, and other cute stuff. And some of the art I saw explained a lot of feelings I had during puberty.” Fox seems to hold a view

that all instances of anthropomorphic characters, regardless of context, are, in fact, cereal mascots, and does not accept any other aspects of the fandom, believing that “they are all just cereal enthusiasts just like me.” When asked to defend his viewpoint, Fox explained, “Yeah, I know that Twitter calls people’s characters ‘fursonas’ and they wear ‘fursuits,’ but that’s just one way to describe these characters. I just came up with a different name which doesn’t change the fact that they are all still cereal mascots. I also made my own ‘cerealsuit’ when I was a teenager — same thing, different name. It seems like modern pop culture is just obsessed with cereal!” Fox’s parents have met their son’s hobby with skepticism. They are aware of the larger furry fandom, and they claim that this larger community seems to “make more sense

than whatever George is into.” Margareth Fox, George’s mother, explained, “I saw a lot of art of these animals on the Internet myself, and it honestly seems like a very interesting creative outlet, with a lot of socialization involved. It seems like a real hobby that teaches you some artistic skills and makes you a lot of friends, unlike looking at cereal boxes and making pillows out of them.” Fox said that he is planning to attend a local “CerealCon” as soon as the COVID-19 regulations in California are lifted. He hopes to connect with other fans of “cereal characters” and to discuss “what is so appealing about those furry mascots.” Fox exclaimed, “I just can’t wait to share my own cereal box art with others!” while showing a colorful cardboard box with a picture of an anthropomorphic fox and the logo for “Fox Holes” cereal.

10. Lyndon’s Big Johnson 9. Horse Divorce 8. Nightmare Nelson 7. Piss Biscuit 6. Pulitzer Prize Winning Novel The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt 5. Millard 4. Future Employee of the Month at the Glue Factory 3. Horse Scope 2. Pepto Abysmal 1. Joseph Stallion New issue, same great aftertaste

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

theMQ.org

June 2, 2021

New Dystopian Factions Emerge From Fanatical Vaccine Recipients

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA When asked about anti-vaxxers, both sides stated, “Do not speak to us of the heretics — the non-believers. Even a false god is better than none.” BY ANIELA DRUMONDE Content Editor

tarting in April, all college students received the opportunity to obtain any of the three most popular brands of COVID-19 vaccines, and many of these young adults have jumped at this offer. In this time of positivity and hope, young people all around the globe are banding together to get back to normality by excluding and deriding others over obscure and often petty differences. The latest point of contention is the brand of the vaccine that one has received. “It’s not that hard to figure out,” said second-year Jim Manson. “The people who got the Moderna vaccine welcome healthy change, and take bigger risks often at the cost of their own health. People with Pfizer are more analytical, and take some time to open up to new environments, but are the most loyal. People who took Johnson & Johnson are freaks.” As a natural consequence of cultural phenomena made

famous by the internet and bored, lonely people who have nothing to occupy their time with after finishing the most recent miniseries on Netflix, many subcultures have developed. Ora Scope, whose Twitter handle is @pfeistypfizer, tweeted “Honey, if he says he’s a Pfizer that’s fine, but make sure he got his first shot on an even-numbered day, or he’ll drop you like Netflix does to successful shows after the third season.” Numerous rules have been implemented to fully define the start and end of a specific subgroup, including the date, time, arm choice, size of the CVS pharmacy, general attractiveness of the healthcare worker, and degree of arm pain on the following day. “I admit that a lot of people had some points about how I deal with loss, and my inability to commit to things once I fully conceptualize how much effort is needed to complete my goals,” said Scope, “But to anyone who says that I’m going to work

in a caregiver-related field needs to double check their sources. My 101.3 degree fever on day two coupled with my second shot being on a Monday beg to differ.” Manson and Scope are some of many who adhere to this new lifestyle, actively perpetrated by the companies who distribute the vaccines. “No one’s saying you can’t be friends with people who got other vaccines, but in your heart of hearts, you still know they’re the enemy,” explained Manson. “Your vaccine’s company is the one who truly understands you for you. They accept you. They healed you. You have been baptized in their wonderful, cleansing fluids. You have been reborn a stronger, more interesting, more special person. Your company gives you all the answers you need in life. And whoever isn’t with you is against you, you know? How can you trust other companies when they’re trying to undermine the only thing in the world that gives

you stability and happiness?” Manson went on: “Why would other companies make a different version of the vaccine? Who would go against such a warm and friendly company? Why are so many non-believers asking questions about why the companies aren’t sharing their patent for the vaccine, thereby impeding scientific studies that would be conducted for ‘the betterment of society,’ or some shit? Our company gave us the vaccine out of the kindness of their heart and also to get profit! The other greedy companies are only looking out for their own self-interest. It doesn’t matter that you think my company does that too. It’s your own fault that you can’t comprehend how it’s different. It’s your own fault your company doesn’t trust you like mine does. It’s your fault, and everything is going wrong because of you. I’m doing great, because my company is doing great, and they’ll look out for me. Right?”

Snickering Researchers Warn of New Threat Posed by Updog

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA Scientists have looked up high and down low, but unfortunately they have been too slow to catch the mysterious Updog. BY ROBERT RENFRO

Ass. Content Editor

ccording to several extensive reports by a team of scientists stifling laughter, newly acquired experimental data suggests that the potential negative effects of updog in any environment are much larger than had been previously estimated. The researchers credit their findings to a newly created approach which utilizes the heightened computational power of the “Go Ingon” system to recalibrate internal sensors, invert inert power cords, and gain a more accurate measurement of levels of previously undetected updog. The leader of the group, Jo, warned the masses of the dangers of updog. “High levels of updog, as we now

know, can have enormous consequences for everyday life, and yet, many people have never even heard of it. We encourage people to ask as many questions about the nature of updog as possible. I will be happy to answer even the simplest of questions, at absolutely any time, about updog, because it’s such an important issue to me — and really the entire world. You may not know it, but there may be updog in your kitchen. In your bathroom. On your palm. Look down, it may even be on your shirt. This can interfere with a large variety of appliances, causing them to potentially shut down. For this reason, we encourage all people to inform us as soon as they can if their refrigerator is running. From there, we

can determine if your home contains potentially hazardous levels of updog.” Jo did not provide a last name during the interview, instead adding “No, you were supposed to ask, ‘Jo who?’ but now it’s ruined. Just forget it.” Some remain skeptical of these findings, such as Brenton McMillen-Benedict, a longtime science reporter and seven-time international skeeball champion. “Jo and her team have not made their data available to the public. When I asked for the raw data, I was told to give a phone number and wait for a call back explaining how to get it. Instead, I started receiving phone calls asking for various people who I simply don’t know, such as Seymour, Ima, or Hugh — just all sorts of people. I feel sorry

for whoever is missing these important calls. The fact that they accidentally switched up the number between myself and this poor confused fellow really speaks to a general lack of discipline. If they had simply double-checked, they wouldn’t have made this mistake, but they couldn’t even take the time to do that. This is not the only time they’ve failed to communicate clearly. From their findings, it’s unclear to me, what updog even is. This brings to mind a question regarding the very definition of the word ‘updog.’” Although the findings are controversial, researchers consider the question answered and have since moved on to warning of the potential problems that can arise when “gullible” is written on the ceiling.

Page 5

Susan’s Foolproof Bagels On the morning of my son’s bar mitzvah, I remember enjoying a poppy seed bagel with decadent lox and luscious cream cheese. He was on the precipice of being a man, and I was on the precipice of dying from the unusually large poppy seed sealing off my windpipe. As I saw my life flash before my eyes, I realized I left my oven on. The doctors managed to save my life, but nobody managed to save the sesame seeds toasting in my kitchen that evening. I came home to a stovetop on fire and a burning desire to revolutionize the field of bagel toppings. I used to play checkers with my grandfather. Checkers pieces just remind me of bagels now, because they are round. For so long, I worked day and night to perfect the recipe for the ultimate everything bagel. The everything bagel to end everything. It was the morning of my daughter’s baptism that I cracked the code. As I saw my child get dunked Oreo-style into a tub of water, I imagined what it would look like if my daughter was covered in poppy seeds, sesame seeds, dehydrated onion, and salt. My daughter would have been cleansed of everything. She would have become “Plain Christine,” or “Plain Stephanie,” — I don’t remember what I named my daughter. These days, I just call her “Not-Bagel.” That checkerboard haunts me, asking questions I’m afraid to answer. Now, I look at it and can think only of the many failures endowed on the human psyche by flawed bagel recipes. You know the ones: the sesame bagel recipe with baking times so inaccurate you burn the seeds beyond recognition, or the poppy seed bagel recipe so poorly balanced that you test positive for opioids the next day and ruin your life. The everything bagel that requires such extravagant ingredients that it leaves your everything with nothing. I have spent too much of my life sifting through grains of salt, painstakingly determining which of the few are pristine enough to top a bagel. My children have since grown and left me behind all alone, with no more bagel toppings to my name. I stare out into the horizon from my repurposed bathtub full of bagel-boiling liquid and think, “Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if I had known then what I know now?” And then I have to leave the bathtub, because I’m afraid to prune. Anyways, here’s my favorite bagel recipe: Ingredients: 1. Plain Bagels from Ralph’s Instructions: 1. Open the bag and remove a single bagel. 2. It is a plain bagel. Attempt to enjoy. Let me know what you think and share your own bagel stories in the comments! See you next time gluten gang! Bye Baegals!

Page 6

theMQ.org

June 2, 2021

The MQ Goes Off t

We over at the MQ are getting real frustrated with the consequences created by the industrial r

That’s right -- we’ve officially had it. We’re sick of it all: the posturing, the Bechdel Test failures, the t

comfort, and the pretentious thinkpieces that are only written to incite anger and generate website vie

minutes, the MQ is going off the grid. No access, no society. It’s all introspection from here on out. We’re

locked out of our dorm and we’re too embarrassed to go back and ask for help. But let our Mom kn

Books we are Inevitably Going to Write

Board of Hash Times we tried to make a

Frantic Google searches o dying????”:

How often we went to Half 6-7 p.m. on Tuesdays:

Number of philosophical c implications of that Char m while looking at a roll of

How often we almost forg wax seal in our letters:

How many times we found “Yeah I could fashion a s Nice:

Pickling Eq uipment (for VIP: Ve ry Important Pickle s)

June 2, 2021

theMQ.org

the Grid

revolution. So we’ve decided society isn’t for us!

targeted Instagram ads getting a bit too accurate for

Page 7

People Who Are Privy to Our Coordinates

ews. And so, after the careful deliberation of 10 whole

leaving out of spite, and definitely not because we got

now, because we need someone to do the laundry.

TRESPASSING except...

Marks

1. DoorDash workers 2. Frogs :) 3. John at the bar who’s a friend of mine, he gets me my drinks for free 4. The piano man 5. The coffee barista who knows my order, but doesn’t like it 6. Your mom

cup of coffee using dirt:

of: “how to tell if

f Dome Lounge from

crises about the weird min bear family we had f toilet paper:

got to press the custom

Ghost of Walt Whitman (who you get to call a bitch)

Features of Our Tiny Cabin

d a pointy rock and said, spear out of this”:

Lead Paint

Emergency House Repair Kit

amed Ornately Fr e Photo of Th ty Donner Par

Google Home

Page 8

theMQ.org

Violent Clashes Occur as UCPD Shuts Down Unsanctioned Open Mic

June 2, 2021

EDITORIAL

Oh the Places You’ll Go! (After You Move Back In with Your Parents)

BY MATTY MILTY

Class of 2021 Graduate s I look out upon my novelty calendar featuring inspirational cat photos, I am reminded that I have not a fortnight before I don my gown and square hat to shake the hand of a school administrator and be pronounced “graduated.” While I am eager to join the ranks of the post-secondarily educated, my excitement now lacks the same rose-colored lenses with which I look at mid-2000s SNL skits or Edgar Wright movies. I once revelled in the imagination of where I would be following my graduation, yet now — as I prepare to be launched from this metaphorical catapult — I know I will not land in a new or exciting place, like New York, San Francisco, Portland, or the Costa Verde Apartment Complex. No. Instead I will land back home, in my parents’ house, in the room I grew up in. While moving to a city full of exciting people, exciting places, and excitingly high rent prices would be a dream come true, I am nonetheless eager to begin my post-grad life in my pre-grad residence. Sure, living away from home while I completed my studies was marked by a level of freedom and self-reliance that will feel strange to operate without, but what is independence measured against not having to pay

A “Man, I hate having to get bailed out by my parents. So embarrassing,” said Leigh. BY SAUL CHAPLIN

Staff Writer t 5:00 p.m. on Friday, May 14, a crowd of 200 UCSD students gathered on a lawn in the new Sixth College to watch an unsanctioned open mic. An hour later, as the crowd swayed to the fourth rendition of John Legend’s “All of Me,” a voice through a bullhorn interrupted the concert, announcing, “This is UCPD. You are in violation of the ‘10 is company’ rule, and are ordered to disperse.” The crowd was stunned. One audience member, Turquoise Leigh, described the experience as “traumatic,” saying, “I was standing in the middle of the crowd, being carried away by that cute White boy’s falsetto. I’m telling you, it was the best ‘All of Me’ so far, he had me ready to give him all of me. That raspy bullhorn voice just yanked me out of my dreamy state and completely ruined my internal rhythm. It terrified me.

I don’t think I will ever be able to listen to my ‘All of ‘All Of Me’ 100x’ playlist ever again.” Witnesses claim that at the sound of the bullhorn, the performer stopped for an instant on the stage. Then, the crowd started chanting, “Sing ‘Fuck tha Police!’” And the opening bars of NWA’s hit song started playing. “He did his best, ya know, considering he was a White dude singing an NWA song. It was good to see him replacing… inappropriate… words. Really respectful of him. But I think that song was what really put lemon in the policeman’s milk, especially when the singer started pointing straight at him when that line about the ‘punk muthafucka with a badge and a gun’ came up.” Videos of the incident showed that the singer did not finish getting through Ice Cube’s verse as the UCPD Systemwide Response Team, a newly formed SWAT-like counter-protest

force, launched tear gas and stormed the crowd. “It was, like, needlessly violent,” said Flavio Buchannan, a second-year in Revelle. “I watched videos in Imperialism 101 about what it was like in Vietnam when the US attacked, with the bombs and napalm dropping, and severe civilian casualties from an occupying force. This is, like, the exact same situation.” Concertgoers are reported to have clashed with police. “We were throwing anything we could get our hands on: baby carrots, hydroflasks, my five-foot best friend,” said Buchannan. Several minor injuries were sustained by both sides. One policeman was treated for a concussion after a member of the crowd allegedly hit him with a guitar. Robert Price, a secondyear in Muir, contested the official police account in a Tweet from his popular account @thepriceislight: “That policeman had the nerve to

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA headbutt my custom pearlengraved Fender, and then they just call it a ‘guitar’ in the report AS IF IT IS NOT A CUSTOM PEARL-ENGRAVED FENDER!! My family lawyer will be suing for property damages and also sustained and grievous emotional harm. How will I ever play ‘Wonderwall’ again? #FTP” In an official statement, the chief of UCPD said: “The open mic was in clear violation of the ‘10 is company’ rule. Given the number of people in violation, we decided it would be an excellent opportunity to test out the new recruits to our Systemwide Response Team, and show that there will be zero tolerance for violation of pandemic restrictions. We certainly didn’t expect that level of resistance from the people at the concert. I thought these singing hippy-losers were only good for smoking pot and dancing in a circle. But tonight, I learned that they fight like hell.”

Italian Populace Celebrates 25 Years Since the Eruption of Pompeii

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“Magma mia, that’s a spicy volcano!” said Giuseppe. BY EMILY CRONAN

Staff Writer

istorical anniversaries are often met with mixed emotions, but the tragic eruption that occurred in Pompeii, Italy 25 years ago today is one many people find worth embracing. The Italian American community of Little Italies across the nation has been exploding with anticipation in recent weeks. Pauly Giuseppi of San Diego’s Little Italy offered his thoughts on the anniversary, stating, “Mamma Mia, to be honest I feel like that was centuries ago, those poor bambinos were pressed like paninis weren’t they?” Giuseppi’s restaurant, “You Cannoli Betray Me,” is promoting a special molten lava cake called “Vesuvius’ Revenge” during the month of May. Awareness has been brought to the fateful anniversary by recent riots caused by the growing “Parm Not Harm” coalition, which is fighting to de-bread-stick-matize the preservation of “The Mortal

Coil in Ash” in more communities globally. Still, some Pompeii deniers are challenging the coalition, claiming that the eruption of Vesuvius occurred centuries before 1996. Scientist Dan Imals researched the phenomenon, stating that, “like the notorious Mandela effect in which people misremember historical facts, Pompeii is rarely considered a current event by a large slice of the ‘Papa John’ population.” Imals continued, “Because Pompeii was so traumatic for those involved, people try to repress any reminder of it into the bowels of history. Really, it should be celebrated as one of the most Italian events of the 20th century.” The 1998 film Parent Trap affected Pompeii orphans negatively, yet many alumni of the tragedy were recently cast in the sequel, Godfather: Trapped in the Trevi Fountain, to resolve past lawsuits. Still, many millennials have fond memories of watching the controversial reenactment of the explo-

sion on the Barney and Friends PBS special, “Dinosaurs Go to Burning MAN!” It is rumored that the British band Bastille may even perform an exclusive concert with their breakthrough hit, “Pompeii,” on loop for an 18 hour benefit concert at the Vatican, to commemorate every hour of the fateful eruption. Interestingly, an 18 hour loop of “Pompeii” was already accomplished by KBS 99.7 in the summer of 2013. The song’s release was inflamed by much public outrage during the controversy, as many felt like the 17th anniversary of the natural disaster was too soon for lyrics like “The walls kept tumbling down in this mid 1990’s town.” Nonetheless, Pope Francis has blessed the band and they are set to perform a second show in the Roman Colosseum to mark 100 years since the last gladiatorial battle. Locally, students of UC San Diego’s MMW writing sequence have been tasked to

reimagine recent historical events as if they were ancient, and one student stated that they would imagine Pompeii as an ancient event during the rise of the Roman Empire. Much like a savory margherita pizza, this ficticious Pompeii would rise from the ashes. The Backstreet Boys, The Gulf War, Kurt Cobain, and Pompeii are phenomena that play special roles in the rustic charm of the 1990’s. Each has left an imprint on public consciousness, either for better or worse. Make sure to take advantage of the deals with Jimmy Dean’s “Smoky Italian” sausages, and Buca Di Beppo’s half-off “Ash Wednesdays,” available till the end of this month. In order to celebrate and commemorate the tragedy of the eruption, a listen to Mozart’s latest album, “Watergate (Amadeus’s version),” might strike a chord with those seeking to fan the flame of their cindered souls.

for the food in my fridge? I can now enjoy the rich delicacies contained within my parents’ kitchen walls. Exotic foods like unsalted almonds, oatmeal raisin store brand cookies, and the Costco-sized tub of old hummus will find a loving home amongst my taste buds. Yet I wish not to admonish my parents or their lovely home. I am truly thankful to have their continued love and support. Besides, I am exceedingly confident that I will not be home long, for the job market is ripe with opportunities for the freshly graduated. Whether it be anything from unpaid intern to underpaid intern, I am ready to tear into the delicious flesh that is the fruit of my labor. And while naturally I would love to find a job in the subject I spent years studying, it is remarkable to see the tremendous diversity of fields which await me. I could work in food service, retail, or even food service. Although I know a fun, fulfilling, and well-paying job awaits me just around the corner, I secretly hope that it doesn’t come too quick. See, I love the chase more than the catch. That is, so long as the chase is updating my LinkedIn and the catch is a temporary, part-time position which requires a commute. Looking for work has been especially fun this year. There is no greater thrill than pairing a waist-up suit and tie with absolutely no pants for a Zoom interview. It makes me feel like a businessformal Pooh Bear. I am admittedly disappointed to be moving home, but, if all else fails, I can always apply to graduate school. I am told it fixes all my problems.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Pairs of Guests to Invite to Your Graduation 10. Simon and Garfunkel 9. Your two most contagious friends 8. The upper and lower halves of Darth Maul 7. Ctrl + C 6. The letters M and Q 5. Your cool aunt and her best friend who she sleeps in the same bed with 4. The first two people you messaged on Bumble who said yes 3. Divorced parents 2. Frankenstein and his monster 1. Your mom and me

Is that a newspaper in your pants? Oh no wait, that’s a gun!

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

June 2, 2021

theMQ.org

Video Game Journalist Learns to Jump During Final Boss Battle

Page 9

“Pomp and Circumcision” To Be Played at UCSD Graduation Following Chancellor’s “Head Tax” Announcement

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Lee stated, “This game’s characters are so hard to follow. I don’t know who to pick — Singleplayer or Co-op?” BY YURI BUKHRADZE Staff Writer

hile working on a review for first-person shooter Doom Eternal, journalist Jonathan Lee made a discovery that heavily influenced his workflow. During the final boss battle, he discovered the in-game ability to jump. Lee, a writer for the web-based video game publication Game-R and record-holder for the longest playthrough of Super Mario Bros. at 17 days and three hours, was “floored” at the revelation. “The discovery was a complete surprise to me, and I would say it made things tremendously easier,” said Lee. Doom Eternal was originally released for major platforms in March of last year, and Lee began playing the game to inform his review starting on the day of the release. However, he encountered many obstacles, which he attributed to “challenging gameplay which required moving the character and the camera at the same time.” Taken aback by these complications, Lee resorted to accusing the game of extreme difficulty. “I would consider myself a seasoned gamer, and in my very lengthy career of playing

video games I never encountered such a ridiculous control scheme,” Lee said. “Using both hands? What is this, skiing?” Lee also reviewed Portal 2 in 2013, which was released in 2011 and with the same controls as Doom Eternal: WASD keys for movement and mouse for camera. When questioned, the journalist claimed he completed the entire game by binding movement to the arrow keys, as he “found it impossible to associate some random letters on the keyboard with directions.” As for the mouse, the journalist wasn’t even aware it was to be used in the game — likewise, he couldn’t control the camera and assumed that the “fixed” camera angle was “just some forced perspective that had been lazily inserted into the game.” “This is just like that time when I booted up Civilization and had no way to control the game,” complained Lee. “What is this obsession with mice in the industry? I want to play a game, not check my emails!” While playing Doom Eternal, the journalist discovered the jumping mechanic by accident. During the battle with the Icon of Sin, the final boss, he used the left control key for shooting and accidentally pressed the spacebar,

causing a jump. “This is not the first time this happened, but I always thought it was a glitch,” Lee explained. “After all, it didn’t make sense that a 500-pound space marine could just jump out of the blue. That simply wouldn’t be realistic, right? It wasn’t until I noticed exactly which key I was hitting that I realized there was more to it.” It is unclear how Lee managed to reach the final boss battle without jumping prior to the final level, considering the game’s heavy reliance on platforming and maneuvering in most levels. “If I found myself stuck on the level, I just asked my son Albert to beat it for me,” Lee said. “I wasn’t interested in watching how he managed to get through it because I knew that I was going to blame the glitch on the developer regardless. The reason I even asked my son was because I was on coffee break and I wanted to finish the review in time. It’s not like I’m bad at this or anything!” Lee shared further about his experience as a video game journalist and his experience with games in general: “When I was a kid, I grew up playing video games on my grandmother’s Magnavox Odyssey, which had all I needed to control the game: a

couple of knobs and rotating disks,” Lee explained. “Now, after 15 years of never playing video games, I saw that many web publications require writers, so I used my associate’s degree in typewriting and applied for a job. I think I am doing pretty well reviewing video games.” Lee started his review of Doom Eternal in March 2020 and has now been working on it for over a year. Right now, Lee is trying to beat the final boss battle on the easiest difficulty with assists turned on. Begrudgingly, Lee has admitted he finds himself struggling to beat the game, especially since he is using the numpad to control the camera and reboots his entire PC when he dies, because “this is how you would do it on older consoles.” “I think this game’s difficulty is definitely a message about the modern state of gaming journalism,” Lee concluded. “The developers are imposing artificial obstacles on us and making it harder and harder for us to review their games, which serves their agenda. But I believe that in the end I will be able to beat this game. After all, I did beat Dark Souls by not playing it, which in my book is an ultimate win.”

Local Scrabble Champion Outraged: “If Marijuana is Legal, Proper Nouns Should Be Too”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA Moms have been concerned that this scrabble will lead kids to dabble in more complex word games. BY GAGE TANZMAN

Ass. Copy Editor

he legalization of marijuana has been making waves all across the country. However, not everyone is reacting to the news positively. Emily Barkminn, San Diego County’s resident Scrabble champion, has been protesting the new legislation with a social media campaign and vandalism to promote her cause. Barkminn was sighted at an SDSU fraternity party last week, spray painting the bathroom mirror with the phrase, “So you can get high, but I can’t use ‘Thai’?? #WeedLikeToUseProperNouns.” Similar spray painted phrases have appeared all over the downtown San Diego area. Other common phrases include, “Go ahead and smoke, I still can’t play ‘Roanoke,’” and “You

can use Mary Jane but I can’t use Mary Jane?!” Barkminn’s hashtag, as a result of her extreme marketing, is the fourthmost trending on Twitter. The “Weed Like To Use Proper Nouns” movement has gained traction with players of Bananagrams and UpWords as well. Players have started boycotting words like “weed,” “bud,” and “edible” from their games in an attempt to raise awareness of the issue. Even the popular Boggle podcast, Boggled Minds, has removed any episodes in which the players are high to show their support. Not all Scrabble players believe in Barkminn’s crusade. Mila Meshim, a student from the University of San Diego, claimed, “Obviously it’s not the legalization of weed that’s an issue here. The marijuana industry couldn’t care less

about what words are legal in Scrabble or not. I don’t know why no one is calling out the real villain. I mean, it’s quite clear what we should really blame: sex before marriage.” Undeterred, Barkminn travelled to Los Angeles earlier this week and carved a message in Seth Rogen’s marijuana crops, declaring “WE ARE PRO-NOUNS. YOUR CANNABIS-NESS IS RUINING LIVES.” Later that day, Rogen tweeted, “Nice. #cannabisness” with a link to his new pronoun-specific five-ounce bags, which are sold out at the time of writing this article. One local stoner, Rictor Hurlz, offered his take on the issue. “I don’t understand why they’re so upset at us. The legalization of marijuana has literally nothing to do with Scrabble. The internet movement is pretty funny

though. ‘If they can use the devil’s grass, we should be able to use ‘Satan.’ Hah.” “I guess, at the end of the day, I appreciate how polite they’re being,” Hurlz continued. “‘Weed Like To Use Proper Nouns,’ or whatever, it’s so nice. Of course, I can’t imagine anyone being aggressive towards people who smoke or anything. That would be like imprisoning people for possession, even though it’s legal now! Hah. Thank gosh that’s not happening either.” Officially, the National Scrabble Organization has refused to comment on the issue, but repeated donations to Barkminn’s cause have been traced back to them, and authorities’ suspicions are high. Further investigations into the organization are underway.

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “What happens if you’re double majoring?” asked a concerned student. BY JERRY WU Web Editor

aced with the mounting pushback against raising tuition, Chancellor Khosla has decided to temporarily pause his tuitionoriented schemes to extract all possible resources from his students in favor of a new “head tax” on the graduating class. Specifically, Khosla has mandated the circumcision of all eligible graduates as a new requirement. “I envision a commencement where they will line up and walk onto the stage, eyes shining, ready to step into a new chapter of their life,” explained Charlie Choplin, “and then we make the cut.” Choplin, head coordinator of the ceremony, continued: “Ideally, on each downbeat of the song, we would do the snip snip,” he said gesturing in an opening-and-closing-scissormotion with his fingers while conducting a marching tempo. “That way each downbeat of the graduation song will be punctuated by the joyful cries of achieving one’s dreams. Sometimes a little snip is all one needs to get their gratitude and school spirit to flow. We even rearranged the music. We took that monotonous graduation song and added some lines from Chopin, and voila! We got ‘Pomp and Circumcision.’” When asked about the potential religious implications of this ceremony, Khosla referred to his specialist, Dr. Knipps of the Snipps Institute of Theology. Dr. Knipps explained that “Abraham’s circumcision of his son Isaac was the incarnation of his covenant with God, according to Genesis 17:9 — ” “And likewise,” boomed the Chancellor vitriolically, cutting off Dr. Knipps, “I expect you, my followers, my patrons, to shed your heads. Offer me this sacrament as a dedicated member of the student body. Pay tribute to me, Chancellor of Chancellors, Administrator of Administrators, Omnipotent Lord of UCSD, and now Beloved Genitalior, the almighty Chancellord Goddeep Khosla.” He added, “After all, we all know that

since I raised tuition so high, you’re not donating, so this is really just a gentle nudge in the right direction.” These demands ignited the ire of much of the graduating student body. Following the announcement, an incensed group gathered outside Geisel to demonstrate against the Chancellor’s “Head Tax.” One protesting student, Kurt Kutis, commented, “His demands have been getting under my skin throughout my entire time at UCSD. First he hikes up my tuition, then takes away guaranteed housing plus any and all viable parking, and now Little Kurt’s cozy-wozy wittle hood?! That is where I draw the line!” Another student reflected, “It’s not even the circumcision that’s the problem. It’s a totally normal thing, and even hygienic. A lot of people are circumcised. And that’s okay. The problem is the audacity of this man. Who does this power-hungry tyrant think he is? This is outrageous! And ‘Goddeep...’ Sheesh... That’s a bit much. More like he’s got me deep. Soon, I won’t just be swimming in all this student debt... but in blood.” Offering further comment, Khosla declared, “I’m going to do it with this bad boy here,” fondly patting his tuitionfunded, custom-made, selfsterilizing, self-sharpening, COVID-19 safe, multimillion dollar, 10 foot long, solid gold pair of scissors. Or, as he calls it, “The Foreskinerator.” Weighing in at over 1200 pounds, it takes four people, two robotic arms, and one highly motivated Chancellor with a bull horn to operate. “What’s a man gonna’ need a gigantic golden pair of scissors for if he’s not compensating for something else?” posed a critic of the device. Other opponents have ridiculed the purchase, calling it a “gross misuse of student funds.” In response, Khosla retorted, “I am just following normal procedure. Normally, I would use this absurdly large pair of scissors to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremonies to some building, but this time it’s even better! Now I get to cut, umm, a different type of ribbon, and open the student to the next chapter of their lives.”

Only 14 days until Halloween!

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

Page 10

theMQ.org

Dr Pepper Forced to Pay Fine When Drink is Revealed to Contain Less Than 20% Doctors

June 2, 2021

EDITORIAL

I Got the COVID-19 Vaccine and It Destroyed My WorkOut Drive

BY H. I. TEE

Local Workout “Enthusiast”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

It has notes of arrogance and student loans. BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

brand, faceless corporations because their Twitter accounts post relatable memes. And yet, every time, you're disappointed.” One outspoken activist for consumer rights, Sarah Lippert, offered comment on the issue. “If you’re going to brand your drink as 'Doctor Pepper,' then you should be upfront about the true contents. If my soda doesn’t meet the threshold requirement of medical professional blood and bodily fluids to be a true soda, then it shouldn’t be labelled as such. I have the right to know whose piss I’m drinking! I can tell the difference and I’m tired of being peddled fake food. I will become a zealous brand loyalist to Pepsi if you don’t follow through on your labelling.” After the interview, Lippert was seen hugging her legs while seated in a metal folding chair, rocking slowly back and forth and sobbing, “Why can’t there be ethical consumption of

Distribution Lieutenant

high profile class-action lawsuit against Doctor Pepper over the doctoral composition of the eponymous soft drink was finally settled earlier this month. In addition to a hefty billion dollar fine, Doctor Pepper has faced mounting legal pressure to rebrand to "Dr Pepper" to better reflect the composition of the drink. In testimony, many customers claimed they were misled to believe Doctor Pepper was a soda composed “exclusively” of doctors “of the medical variety.” In light of the company’s branding, protestors deemed the inclusion of the blood of economic professors accredited by online universities as unacceptable. “We just feel really betrayed, you know?” stated long time Doctor Pepper chugger, Angela Prinkey. “You always think that you can trust big

doctors under capitalism? Why all the lies?” This Tuesday, company executives formally announced the branding change in a press release. “To our loyal followers: our popular soft drink beverage is still here — in all its 23 flavors you have come to love. We are reinventing ourselves as Dr Pepper to show you we have heard your concerns. Our soft drink beverage now contains more qualified professionals than ever before. Please forgive us. Cross the picket line, you know you want to. We are just a wittle baby cowpowation and we didn’t know any better.” When shown the press release, Lippert noted, “Look, they don’t even call it a soda anymore. Legally, they can’t — which is a win. Technically, they couldn’t all along, but when have big businesses ever cared about the truth? They just want to make money. ‘Qualified professionals’ my ass…”

Chief Marketing Officer for Dr Pepper, Adam Spingrate, also commented on the situation. “They’re going to keep drinking it anyway, does it matter whether or not we are being honest about our manufacturing process? At least they’re caught up in the ingredients and not the ethics of our labor practices or the amassed market control of conglomerate corporate monopolies.” When questioned further, Spingrate started sweating and combing his hands through his hair compulsively. “Please don’t research our labor practices. Unions are definitely totally allowed, uh huh. Yep. Pinky promise.” After a moment of awkward silence, Spingrate exclaimed, “Hey, anybody want a Dr. Pepper? I got a bunch of cold ones in the cooler here!” Attendees of the press conference rushed to grab their free drinks.

How do I deal with feeling nostalgia for things I haven’t lost yet? Get rid of them Immediately. I had a boyfriend in high school who was the sexiest drummer in a jazz band, and I knew that the lustful desire I held towards him was too big and too passionate and far too good to be true Was he the hottest guy in the sophomore class? Oh yeah, and everybody was jealous of me for dating him But I knew that we weren’t meant to be my aspirations were bigger than him And did I wallow in self-pity and nostalgia for a relationship that could never be? No! So, I broke up with him! Everyone was shocked They knew that I was untouchable then I wasn’t just hot enough for Chad Zimmerman, I was too hot for him I hadn’t lost Chad he had lost me And so that’s what you need to do, dear reader Maybe this thing that you love dearly is wonderful, but it wil hurt too much if you let it get taken away from you Put on your sharpest eyeliner and get rid of it yourself, like the bad bitch you are.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Abominations Made by the Swiss Army Corporation

Emily Queue .

he COVID-19 pandemic is a real event, and it has affected many people in my community. I do not subscribe to any conspiracy theories; I’ve self-isolated and only gotten groceries and fast food while wearing a face covering. While I trust science and I follow all the protocols given to me, I can’t stand by and let misinformation from health officials about the COVID-19 vaccine go unchecked. I received the second dose of my COVID vaccination, and it has sapped my strength permanently, stopping me from pursuing my intense workout regimen. Everyone told me that the second vaccine hit hard, and that I might be bedridden for about a day. They said that I may get a high fever, or feel as if I needed to sleep, and I was prepared. But, it turns out I didn’t get any symptoms like they described, except for a slight pain in the arm. Since nothing was wearing me down, I decided to head to the gym that had just reopened. I started with my usual pre-pandemic routine, and decided to hit the bench after some stretches. I packed 250 on the bar and slid under it, I pressed against the bar with all my might, and it didn’t budge. Darting eyes around the gym made quick glances at me in pity. I thought I simply had a little bit of muscle to make back up due to not being in a gym for a while, so I reduced to 230, then I reduced to 210, to 150, to 100, to 50. I was able to lift 50, but I couldn’t finish my usual 10 sets of 30. Nervous, I followed

my emergency procedures and ran into the bathroom, shoveling packets of pre-workout into my mouth and washing it down with a spare Dr Pepper I had in my bag. Feeling pumped with my new mix, I launched under the bar packing on my original 250 and failed. I still couldn’t lift the bar, despite the lung-damaging amount of pre-workout I had just inhaled. Defeated, I went home, grabbed a six by six with extracheesy animal fries and three shakes of each flavor (They don’t mix the Neapolitan right, so I make a home mix), then went on the computer to research the effects of the COVID-19 vaccine. To my surprise, nobody warned of complete and total loss of muscular function and a wholesale sap of strength. I jumped on /fit and asked the community what they thought could have happened to me. They just called me “a soyboy libcuck,” so I jumped on r/fitness, and all they told me is that I probably hadn’t worked out in a while. I took full offense to the notion that my personal strength suddenly leaving my body was my fault, and I threw my Monster Energy I was mixing into the homebrew Neapolitan against the pile of cans I had accumulated in my room over the past months. I mean, yeah, I took a month or two off, who expects you to work out at the same regiment with calisthenics? And yeah, maybe I stopped doing my workouts last June, but that shouldn’t hinder me from benching any less than 10 pounds off my personal best. Clearly the government is holding some information that is affecting workout enthusiasts and no one is talking about it. I feel like we are being suppressed as a group and we are being hidden in plain sight. I’m organizing a march on the Capitol soon, but I’ll stay in my car as walking up those steps seems a little too energy heavy for me currently.

10. Swiss Army Spork 9. Swiss Army Navy 8. Swiss Army Nipple Piercing 7. Swiss Army Wife 6. Swiss Army Unstoppable Force 5. Swiss Army Immovable Object 4. Swiss Army Gender 3. Swiss Army Bidet 2. Swiss Army Clown Car 1. Swiss Army Condom

Am I a fraud? What is a fraud? The word comes from the Latin “fraus,” meaning deceit or injury The etymology then transitions to the Old French “fraude,” but really the French language is bullshit, so that doesn’t really matter What’s really important is that “fraud” sounds a lot like “God,” and I’ve had enough people accuse me of a god complex to know there is no difference We’re all frauds here babe Just keep your chin up and deceive them into thinking you’re the real deal Eventually you won’t even know the difference

Half man, Half bull. All satire.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

June 2, 2021

theMQ.org

Wizards of the Coast Announces New D&D Book: The Curse of QAnon

Page 11

Local Senior Procrastinates Having Senioritis

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Murphy reported that his nervous system was working just fine because he is “so nervous all time.” BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT

Editor-in-Chief uring a recent intervention staged by his roommates, San Diego resident and fourth-year Warren student Thomas Murphy proclaimed he “just had to make it through this week,” for the eighth week in a row. Murphy, a soon-tobe graduate with a B.S. in Cognitive Science, assured his roommates that he would relax post-graduation and fix the “minor issue” of his 125 BPM resting heart rate. “We wanted to talk to Thomas, because he’s been going at it pretty hard over the last three quarters, like, emotionally and physically,” said Ken McBride, Murphy’s roommate and friend. “I don’t think anyone’s had a good time at college over the past year, but Thomas has had an especially shitty one. I know he’s busy, but it’s his last quarter in college! COVID gave him a good excuse to focus on school, but now that he’s fully vaccinated, he’s gotta try and go to the beach, or hang out with his friends, or … like, just do something, you know? But, instead, he got excited yesterday because he figured out how to cry in his sleep, and that meant he could add another hour during the day to do more work.” Sam Blaese, a tenured professor in the Cognitive Science department, was equally concerned with Murphy’s behavior. “In my 21 years of teaching, I’ve never seen a student that was simultaneously holding it all together and completely falling apart. I had Thomas for a firstyear intro course, and he did excellent work. So, naturally, I was excited to see him again

D PHOTO BY JACK YANG "Thank God I don't have to keep homebrewing this sort of thing," commented one tired dungeon master. BY JACOB KING

Soc/Pub Ottoman t an investor meeting yesterday, Wizards of the Coast announced the next source book for the ever-expanding world of the popular role playing game Dungeons & Dragons. This new book, titled "The Curse of QAnon", is said to add a whole new, never-before-seen monster, as well as spells and political opinions. When asked about a release date from this exciting new content, Wizards of the Coast revealed that “something big was going to happen in the next few weeks.” In a preview of the new book posted online, some of the preliminary content was revealed, including teasers for two new campaigns. The first, entitled “Storm of the Capitol,” promises to “allow players to take down the deadly cabal that is secretly controlling the world from the shadows

by stopping the inauguration of a fairly-elected president.” The second campaign, “The Mystery of Pizzagate,” lets your heroes “fight the maniacal cabal by taking down their headquarters for world domination and human trafficking, a small pizza shop on the west side of town.” A new class will be added to the game as well. The new Shaman class will allow players to “harness the mysterious power of Q to detect the secret magic of the ‘deep state.’” “We really wanted something new,” said Geralt Stormfists, head of game development for Dungeons and Dragons. “I mean when you’re strip-mining Tolkien’s works for every idea, eventually you run out, and there are only so many animals you can anthropomorphize before people start asking questions.” Not everybody was happy with this new path. Many

commenters online have expressed concern about the inherently political nature of this new expansion. “I know when people usually complain about politics in games online, it's just because there are gay people in it,” said @stinkylilgobo on Twitter, “but I mean this new D&D book is kinda insane. They literally put that stupid right-wing cult right in the name.” The creators don’t seem to see this as an issue. “QAnon consiparies and D&D campaigns are actually very similar. Both give people small bits of information that are then used to create magical and fantastic worlds totally disconnected from reality,” said a representative from Wizards of the Coast. While this comment has not eased many people online, there is one place where "The Curse of QAnon" has gotten positive feedback: 4Chan.

The mostly-unregulated online message board remains ecstatic due to the fact that a movement that started on the website has gotten such mainstream popularity. “It was cool and all when Q made all those people storm the Capitol, but this is how you know we’ve hit the big league, boys,” said one anonymous user in a post on 4Chan along with a picture of a smiling, cartoon frog. While the majority of users are happy, some lack the same enthusiasm. “I can’t believe those soyboy liberal cucks are bastardizing our beliefs for their stupid little nerd game. It's honestly sickening that they think so little of us,” said one angry commenter. These are just a few of the many comments that have been posted on 4Chan over the past few days. Unfortunately, QAnon was not available for comment.

LOCAL STUDENT IS ON EDGE OF BEING ON EDGE

DIVERSITY HIRE BRIAN, 67, SPEAKS ON HIS WORK AT FOREVER 21

BRIEF CHEESE SMUCKERS UNCRUST- PEPSI RELEASES NEW EUROPEAN LINE: PEPOUI ABLES RECRUSTED Smuckers has announced that their beloved Uncrustables will now be sold with crusts. This step is part of Smuckers’ vast rebranding campaign, which aims to bring in new customers and make Smuckers “virtually unrecognizable.” According to Smuckers CEO Mark T. Smucker, “The crusts will be reattached after the uncrusting process is complete to increase efficiency. We’re also going to recrust the edges of our classic white bread with imported wheat bread crusts for better taste!” Rashida Jamali, a New Jersey mother, has praised this move, saying, “Now when my children ask for White people lunch, I can proudly give them an Uncrustable, knowing that they’re getting the healthiest processed crust available.” Jamali’s children, on the other hand, have started a Change. org petition to “uncrust the recrusted Uncrustables.” This unwarranted sandwich reboot follows the release of Smuckers’ new logo, which has become flat and amorphous in order to generate mass-market appeal and hatred from consumers. “I can’t believe they keep taking things from our childhood and making them worse,” said Samantha Liu, a tired millennial, “I’m gonna actively start killing the packaged sandwich industry in retaliation.” Liu instead ate an old Uncrustable before sadly realizing it wasn’t as good as she remembered.

European citizens and Pepsi enthusiasts alike are rejoicing at the new release of a French-themed take on the American soft drink. The new soda line features several noticeable changes, including a revamped can design and an adjusted recipe. Emmanuel Claudet, Pepsi’s Director of International Marketing, published this statement with the release of the new beverage: “Bonjour! Nous sommes très heureux de vous annoncer notre nouvelle boisson. Le goût de Pepoui est celui d'un amour magnifique, et il a aussi le goût de Paris. Bien sûr, les couleurs ressemblent au drapeau français. Nous sommes impatients de partager cette boisson avec les consommateurs et nous espérons que vous l'apprécierez!” After the statement, a English translation read: “Hon hon hon, we are a bunch of French assholes seeking to destroy the international market with these bougie, ashtray-tasting cans of imperialism. Enjoy, you snivelling, non-baguettebaking bimbos.” Despite protests from American retailers that the soda is “nearly identical to the original,” and “just a move from the European market to stimulate a post-COVID economy,” consumers seem overjoyed with the product and look forward to purchasing the soda in bulk. Local student Emily Steffens offered her view, stating, “I can pretend that I’m sitting on the streets of Pair-ee, as I enjoy my new can of Pepoui!”

Bingus Bunggus has reported staring at the desktop of their computer for three days as their encroaching deadline for three video projects slowly rolls closer. “So I’m pretty on edge of being pretty on edge,” Bunggus stated. “I’m not stressed, but I also feel like I could have a heart attack when thinking about the stress I’d face if I started working. I’ve definitely thought about starting. I’ve definitely thought about thinking about starting, at least. I’ve opened Premiere and closed it. I’ve made a Google doc, left it untitled, and let it delete itself. I’ve opened Twitter and closed it immediately 40 times so that I could get back to work. I’ve ran three games of Apex and watched a Twitch stream to its entirety, but now that I’ve gotten my inattentiveness out, I can start to think about starting my stress mode. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a wallpaper to stare at and women to think about in their entirety, but especially their feet.” Three days after the interview, Bunggus reportedly has “gotten more red and gained two more inches of dark rings under their eyes.”

Brian Ainsent, who commenced his retirement five years ago, recently began looking for a new job. “It was just so soul-crushing, to do nothing but sit around and consume media,” proclaimed Ainsent. “So I went to every place with a ‘Now Hiring’ sign and applied.” With three years past and no interviews, Ainsent started to realize the “true extent of suffering” for the newest generation of workers. “It really opened my eyes to the plight of these poor youngsters, and I mean poor. I started to appreciate their humor, and many different ways of connecting with each other.” It was then that Ainsent received an email back from Forever 21, and met with his fellow coworkers, ages ranging from 18 to 24. “At first, I was really excited to hang out with kids the same age as my grandchildren. But after I had to explain the latest TikTok trend to three separate people, I realized these kids are total losers. Some of them literally don’t have a finsta! They just post all of their thoughts in a single place. Talk about sus,” he added ironically. “One of them wanted to stay in touch after they quit, but then she asked for my email? Just send a letter through a carrier pigeon, sealed with wax, if you’re going to go that far.”

this year, but he seemed different somehow. I can’t explain it all that well, but let’s just say that there were a lot of assignments turned in at 11:58 p.m., alongside a 200-word essay in the comments describing how sorry he was that the assignment wasn’t his best work.” Murphy seemingly fails to understand his roommates’ point of view. “I appreciate their concern for me, but I think I’m handling his quarter pretty well,” he asserted, taking a pause to chug his seventh cup of coffee of that day. “I wish I could just let loose like my roommates right now, but if I take any time to chill, then I’ll be behind, and taking 22 units means I gotta be on my A-game at all times. After commencement, I’ll be able to take it easy … at least until my summer internship starts.” Murphy is set to begin his summer internship on June 18th, giving him nearly five days of rest, but he has said those five days will be “anything but restful.” “Look, I wanna take a load off between school and my internship as much as the next guy,” Murphy began, a single tear rolling down his cheek as he poured Red Bull into his coffee maker. “But my summer internship is just that — before I know it, the summer will be over, and I’ve gotta get into the job market! These cover letters aren’t gonna write themselves! Plus, I’ve gotta come to terms with the overwhelming feeling of emptiness and loss that I’ll have after graduating – especially since that’s going to be my primary feeling for the next 60 years of my life. I’ve budgeted at least two days for that crushing realization.”

TOP TEN

Top Ten Last Words 10. Drunk driving? More like funk driving, hey-o! 9. Haha, you’re on thin ice! 8. Are you sure you put the poison in the other cup? 7. There’s no way UCSD settles academic integrity charges with a duel 6. Oh no, it’s the rabbit that explodes your head! 5. Do you think the guy at the junction will pull the trolley lever? 4. Off or Sixth, depending on how you read it 3. Your gun is no match for my knife! 2. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! 1. I won’t regret missing Toyotathon 2021 Rock and Scissors not included!

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

Page 12

theMQ.org

June 2, 2021

The MQ Delicately Sniffles into a Handkerchief and Bids a Teary Farewell to Our Graduating Editors As the year comes to a close, The MQ wants to honor those among us whose time at UCSD is ending. While we couldn’t find a good way to express our admiration and respect for them, we figured making fun of them should suffice. We present to you The MQ’s graduating editors, featuring actual words they’ve said during MQ meetings.

Stephen Lightfoot Editor-in-Chief

Most Likely to Accidentally Call a Carbonated Drink “Spicy” “Please don’t stick your dick in an ATM.”

Dan Kaliblotzky MQ’s Uncle’s Roommate

Most Likely to Wake Up One Morning From a Fitful, DreamFilled Sleep, and Become a Bug “Life is one long sad bong rip.”

Have you Hanaa Moosavi considered Social/Publicity Chair joining the Navy? - the Navy

gn esi D be Ba

Robert Renfro

Matthew Miltimore

Assistant Content Editor

Best Satire, Worst Puns “The ska-to-satire pipeline.”

Best Puns, Worst Satire “Sorry son, you were a piss baby.” I actually talk to everyone else , I just didn’t like you. d that So gla - Silent Tree having you’re ime! I a fun t t to wan Copy Editor Niche Content Editor didn’t u, but tell yo her at your f ere and I w ied orr very w ou. y about

Dexter Hamilton

Ram Sivapalan

-XOXO

. R ac co on Least Likely to Invent the

Panini Press “All I’m saying is that if you’re siding with Australia, you’re siding against The MQ.”

That’ll be $57.38. - UCSD yearbook signing fee

Most Likely to Become an Immortal Being, Go Mad With Omnipotence, and Destroy the World

Least Literite

“...”

HAGS - Khosla

Awww does bab unempwoy y want “Anyone who has ever said, ‘There ment?? - Californi are no stupid questions,’ never a Unemplo yment attended an MQ production.” Office

Memories We’ll Never Forget

When Gwyneth That one time we Paltrow made a turned our camera candle that smells on in class Once when we got like COVID trapped in that time loop Once when we got trapped in that time loop Once when we got trapped in that time loop Once when we got trapped in that time loop Once when we got

Back when Dr Pepper College was called “Sixth”

When Geisel Library took off

Mom