THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
If you put that straight jacket on me, I am going to pull your endocrine system out of your body. — Gary Busey
Is this The Guardian? This doesn’t look like The Guardian.
June 3, 2015
Republican Takes Democrat to Congressional Prom
BY BARAK TZORI
Content Editor veryone inside the beltway held their breaths last week as Pat Roberts (R-KA) stood in the hallway, waiting for Steven Cohen (D-TN) to come out of his meeting with the Committee on the Judiciary. Roberts held up a large sign that read, “You’re the only ten I see, so will you go to prom with me?” The two statesmen first met less than a year ago at a conference on national security, during which Cohen delivered a speech that ironically suggested building a moat around the White House in order to “disable the enemy’s ability to sneak in on foot.” It was at that point that he noticed a small man in the audience rise above the chuckles and give a strong and sincere “huzzah.” “He’s my deep dark secret,” Cohen confided. “He’s the chairman of the Committee on Agriculture and Forestry and he voted to open up the Arctic Wildlife Refuge for oil drilling. He’s on the Subcommittee for Taxation and he received over $20,000 from H&R Block last year. Don’t tell my parents, they can’t know I’m dating such a bad boy.” Over the weekend the couple got into a minor argument
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IN THIS ISSUE FIRST LIFE FORM ATTRIBUTED TO CAMPBELL’S SOUP
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UCSD TO REDUCE SCREAMING EMMISIONS
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SUN GOD SECURITY REPORT SCHOOLS IMPLEMENT “DON’T SHOW DON’T TELL” POLICY FACEBOOK ADDS “HOOKING UP” OPTION
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NEWS IN BRIEF ELECTRONIC STORE OWNER INSTITUTIONALIZED AFTER PRICES DEEMED “TOO LOW” PHOTO BY SARAH SCHLOSSBERG
There hasn’t been a scandal this large since Senator Stacy crossed the aisle to sit with Senator Jefferson on the Republican side. over the corsage Roberts had picked out for his date. Cohen demanded to know why the flower piece wasn’t handpicked by children volunteering in the
urban garden he sponsored, like they had decided on earlier. “Ugh it’s all the time with these hippies and they’re urban education and environmental
advocacy,” Roberts said. “He wanted something urban, so I
See PROM, page 2
UCSD Announces All-Campuses Commencement Ceremony with SDSU BY EVVAN BURKE
Assistant Copy Editor
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CSD announced in an email yesterday that in an effort to better serve the needs of their students, they will merge their graduation ceremony with that of neighboring university SDSU, starting with the class of 2016. This announcement, subject titled “Re: Commencement,” closely resembled their February announcement of an all-campus UCSD Commencement. “We originally chose to have an all-campus ceremony so we could afford a better speaker, but most of the extra funding went into buying enough chairs for everyone,” the email said. “Hopefully, the All-Campuses Ceremony will allow us to achieve our original goal, and hopefully have some funding left over for special effects. Like smoke machines and lasers. Lasers are awesome.” Around the university, buzz has already begun growing, especially with commencement enthusiast Peti Pastor, who emphasized how important having a high profile speaker is for school pride. “Every day I go through the laborious process of checking YouTube to see if one of our graduation speeches has finally gone viral, and Google search promising quotes to see if people have made inspirational cartoons for them yet, but it always ends in disappointment,” said Pastor. “But with the collective resources of the UC system and SDSU, we
Volume XXI Issue VII
Antoine Schlesinger, owner of Antoine’s Anions Plus, was taken into custody last week after advertising electronic appliances at prices the authorities have called “Great-DepressionBankers-Jumping-FromWindows low.” “He’s a grade-A looney, I’m telling you,” stated police lieutenant Paul Broucek. “I struggled to put him in a straitjacket, but only after I bought a brand new LCD TV for no money down.” In accordance with the DSM-V, Schlesinger is being diagnosed with GradeB Business Saturation, the conflation of a business’s profit maximizing and consumer satisfying identities. “The last patient who
suffered this affliction to such a degree was the CEO of RadioShack,” said the Schlesinger’s doctor about the diagnosis. “We have our top team of psychologists working to normalize him.” “Come in Monday for unbelievable savings on soft-edge bed pans, blunt toothbrushes, and Velcro shoelaces!” said Schlesinger in a brief statement concerning his conviction. “You think I’m crazy?! I’ll show you crazy! Try to find a better deal on toenails anywhere else in the asylum. If you do I’ll price match! Remember, I’m Wacky Anty, cutting both prices and you, if you happen to be on the 9th street bridge at night.”
LOCAL DISAPPOINTMENT SAYS IMPROV CLASSES ARE GOING WELL
PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR
“You’re definitely gonna want to put your hands up,” said the diploma cannon operator. “I know you think you think you’re fast, but trust me.” may finally have a chance.” President of the new Commencement Planning Committee Jonathan Tripp seemed to agree with Pastor’s sentiment, listing various celebrities they had in mind from their “vision board.” The list included current and former Presidents, Laverne Cox, and Ellen DeGeneres. “Whoever would be most comfortable being recorded exclusively with GoPro and arriving via zip line during a pyrotechnics display while wearing a different GoPro,” Tripp said. According to UCSD News Center Editor Janet Howard, negotiations between UCSD and SDSU administrations
SILVER TROUT TELLS AREA WOMAN BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR
About to ask if she’d like to do this again sometime
went easier than they expected, despite the two colleges’ long standing rivalry. “Things were a lot easier after we pointed out how combining ceremonies could help them pay for their football team. It turns out those can be pretty expensive,” said Howard. “Who knew?” After establishing common ground, the two campuses were eager to begin hashing out the details of the new, united commencement ceremony. In order to avoid preferencing one campus over another, the ceremony will occur in the Hollywood neighborhood of Los Angeles, to facilitate travel expenses
for celebrity speakers. “Students who are worried about how their significant other or family member will be able to make it the extra distance will be comforted to know that, in order to accommodate the nearly doubled graduating class, students will be limited to half a guest each,” said Howard. “So, share, I suppose.” But for this year’s ceremony, the change comes too late. “I’m going to keep checking, but I don’t have a lot of faith for 2015,” Pastor said. “I mean, Thurgood Marshall is having some columnist from the New York Times. Who even reads print media anymore?”
IS THIS A METAPHOR? This feels like a metaphor
While on a visit to her parents’ house, 26-year-old and disappointment Naomi Marshall claimed her improv classes at the Groundlings Theater in Los Angeles were “going well.” Marshall, a graduate of the University of California, Santa Cruz and a pile of human detritus, began taking the class on sketch comedy and improvisation — “improv” — in hopes of finding work in the Los Angeles entertainment industry. Despite having graduated cum laude with a degree in Bioinformatics, Marshall chose to pursue improv and seal in her place as the secondfavorite child. Marshall reported that the class focuses on convert-
ing free-form improv comedy into a structured “sketch”type show. The class, though held at an esteemed improv theater, fails to teach students how to pay bills on time and establish a line of good credit. “I’m really excited for next week, we’re working on the Harold, which is a specific style of long-form improv that started in San Francisco,” said Marshall, who despite receiving nearly every advantage of birth and circumstance, chose to make jokes about grocery store clerks and meta-references to improv itself. Harrison added, “um, I guess my parents are proud of me, why wouldn’t they be?”
DROUGHT ADVISORY BOARD ANNOUNCES “GROUP GOLDEN SHOWERS” MANDATE The Metropolitan Water District of Southern California announced Tuesday that the drought could mean the reinstatement of the “Group Golden Shower,” or GGS, policy. The mandate would go into effect if drought conditions “worsen to levels severe enough that bathing in the nitrogenous waste of others is necessary,” declared Water District representative Tina Robertson. The District serves over 23 million people who “could save us a crap ton of water
if they just got a little kinky and went for it.” Robertson said that the mandate would also “spice up relationships that have become mundane — nothing says summer fun like urinating on your uncle!” There has been an overwhelmingly positive response from the fetish community, which has launched a “We’ve been doing this for years!” social media awareness campaign.
See BRIEFS, page 11
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June 3, 2015
Archaeologist Discovers First Can of Campbell’s Primordial Soup
PHOTO BY COLE STEFFENSEN
What we now call “Pop Art” has been attributed to a sudden collapse in human prefrontal cortex functionality. BY BRANDON EHLERT Distribution Captain
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orld-renowned archaeologist Garret Davey announced last Thursday that the original can of Campbell’s Primordial-flavored soup was discovered in Ethiopia, after years of meticulous digging and searching. The can provides many answers to questions that have been posed for almost three decades. “I have uncovered a lot in my career, from the pen that was used to sign the Declaration of Independence to Queen Elizabeth’s store of bedpans,” explained Davey. “But this, by far, is my most groundbreaking find. This empty tin can proves that all life started from a sludge of proteins, what scientists have called Primordial soup. It also proves that Campbell’s predates life itself.” Davey, in this statement, refers to the widely-held scientific theory that life emerged from a soup of building blocks, nutrients, and varied
molecules that, when placed together, gave rise to life on Earth. After analyzing the residue left behind in the ancient can, Campbell’s Primordial soup was found to have a rich brown hue, an earthy flavor, and a slightly rancid aroma, though experts theorize that this can be attributed to the fact that according to the printed date, the soup expired nearly 3.5 billion years ago. “The discovery of this can answers a lot of questions, but it also gives rise to some new ones,” said Hans Denkler, Chair of Biological Research and Natural Sciences at Cornell. As a pioneer of biological studies of condensed soup, he was the first to hear of this find. “For instance, what were the exact chemical reactions that took place within the can? Was the recipe still to add one can of soup and then fill the can with water and add that too? And, most importantly, who was the CEO of Campbell’s Soup during that time?”
“We now know how the intense pressures believed to be necessary to fuel chemical reactions in the soup were created,” he added. “Metallurgical studies expose that the tin underwent intense stresses before it was opened, so we presume that the can was heated, and the steam within the can provided the pressure and energy needed to form life. However, we still are unsure who, or what, opened the can.” The discovery also has Campbell’s fans around the world talking. In particular, many are excited to try out the recipe on the label, “Creator’s Best-Ever Sulfonamide Bacteria Tetrazzini.” “The meal seems a bit more complicated than most of Campbell’s meal ideas, such as Mushroom Chicken or Golden Mushroom Pork Chops,” says Susanne Winters, a working mom from Connecticut. “One step says to, and I quote, ‘Place one can of Campbell’s Pri-
mordial Soup into churning molten lava for 1 hour.’ Later, it says to mix the contents of the can (which supposedly now has Sulfonna-something-orother bacteria in it) with egg noodles, and then to bake for 45 minutes in an oven made from colliding tectonic plates.” “I don’t know. It seems like Campbell’s kind of dropped the ball on this one. Soccer moms just don’t have time for this,” Winters continued. Despite certain complaints, rumors are circulating that Campbell’s Soup Company is going to bring back Primordial soup in the wake of this discovery. Executives say that, somehow over the course of the years, Primordial soup was forgotten in the shuffle, but that a “fun vintage revamp of the flavor” would satisfy an open niche in the canned soup industry. At press time, Davey was still brushing away dust in the Sahara in an effort to find the original can opener.
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Prom
got him a handgun concealed under an origami flower made from welfare checks. I don’t get what the fuss is all about.” When the eventful night came, the odd duo was able to reconcile the argument and put aside their differences. Roberts picked Cohen up in one of the unused tanks he gave to the military two years ago, and they showed up in style, nearly rolling right over Elizabeth Warren and her Smart car. All eyes were on the couple as they stepped out of the tank. Cohen and Roberts wore supremely welltapered suits, with lilac undershirts and amethyst bowties to match. “Ugh, that ugly purple they’re going with,” one promgoer was heard complaining. “And that stunt with the red, white-, and blue-colored doves. Who do they think they are?” Many prom-goers made frequent remarks to how handsome Roberts was and how perfect the two seemed together. In an aside to one of his aides, Biden remarked,
“I shipped them way back. Just call me UPS from now on, ‘cuz I’ve got a package for anyone interested.” Not all attendees were as approving. John McCain had some bitter words for the two. “That cheesy purple Cohen is trying to pull off is almost nauseating. I mean we all know it’s just a ploy to get Barbara Boxer to swing her vote on the Prom Committee,” he said. “Mitch McConnell and I have been Prom King and Queen for 3 terms running and these freshies aren’t going to mess that up.” As for his plans after the dance, Cohen seemed quite hopeful. “The Senate Committee on Foreign Relations is throwing an after party at Bob Corker’s mom’s house, and rumor is he’s gotten a hold of the newest Chinese synthetic. So a few of us might try that out.” “Then after? If my parents aren’t home we’ll go back to my place. Otherwise we’ll stay in the car. I hope Robert puts out. All that talk of laying pipe in Alaska has really got me all oiled up.”
TOP TEN
Side-Effects to Extreme Couponing 10. Gateway drug to extreme scrapbooking 9. You can afford two years of community college for your child now 8. You’ve begun to use warehouses as a metric for goods 7. Extreme carpal tunnel from all the scissoring 6. You’re capable of accurately defining the term “rebate” 5. Creating a national debate on the correct pronunciation of the word coupon 4. Pavlovian response to the word “sale” 3. You’ve been blacklisted at all major stores 2. You begin to hallucinate perforated edges everywhere 1. You occasionally read the newspaper
Editor-in-Chief.............................Riley Mallory Managing Editor..........................Hillary Chan Managing Editor.....................Andrew Deneris Content Editor..........................Natalie McLain Content Editor...............................Barak Tzori Assistant Content Editor...Hannah Rosenblatt Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Assistant Design Editor...............Garrett Chan Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood
Assistant Graphics Editor............Jen Windsor Copy Editor................................Jacob Aguirre Assistant Copy Editor..................Evvan Burke Publicity Chair........................Cole Steffensen Social Chair..............................Trevor Malone Assistant Social Chair.................Kayle Kvinge Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Lieutenant..................Uma Mahto Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Staff Members Chelsea Andretta Farah Abouzeid Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Corina Cadiz Karina CorralRodriguez Angelique De Castro
We took “‘Til death do us part” too seriously. Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge. Next year. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of The MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by The MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I’ve never been good at expressing sentimentality, but here goes. I want to thank each and every person that gave me the opportunity to serve this org; I can’t express how much it’s meant to me, and how much I’ve learned from this experience. I can only hope that I was able to give back to this organization during my tenure. I’m so incredibly proud of all it is we’ve made and done this year, and I am ecstatic at the chance to participate in The MQ for another year, this time as Mom. And I’m thrilled to watch our new management step into their roles in this production and in the year to come.
Dylan Everingham Amin Fozi Phillip Hodgson Lauren Kirkbride David Lee Omri Levia Ben Levin Andre Olson
Audrey Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Robert Pond Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan Sarah Schlossberg
Anthony Showalter Nicoletta Skaggs Samantha Stevens Luke Tribble Kyle Trujillo Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kaylee Wang
Booster Club Thank you to Andrew and Hillary for bringing soda and chips, and to Lawrence for supplemental soda. Thanks to Jacob for “discount” coffee. Thank you to Uma for bringing fruit, both in solid and liquid form, and to Kat for bringing apples. Thank you to Romelle, Luke and Hannah for sharing their Dining Dollars, despite still having to survive for two weeks of the quarter. A special thank you to Susan Opp and Evan Deneris, for their generous donation of two computers. We promise not to watch too much porn on them.
theMQ.org
June 3, 2015
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Hydration Station Training: “Stop Fucking Spilling Water”
Charity-Funded Clinic Probably Cost-Prohibitive to Most
PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR
“Someone is definitely going to die during the time it takes to make this U-turn,” the ambulance driver commented. BY KATHERINE WOOD
Graphics Editor ffluent citizens from the Rich and Humane Society (RHS) gathered Friday evening at the Fairbanks Ranch Country Club to host and attend the 23rd annual “One En-chari-tied Evening” benefit. This year’s “Stethoscopes in the Moonlight” theme focused on raising funds to build a health clinic specifically to help those living in poverty. “From our annual Google search of ‘problems for poor people’ — run by Patrick here, let’s give him a hand — we were astounded to learn there’s an issue of poor people not getting proper medical care,” said Chapter President Dierdre Tosse in an address, pausing for applause. “To target this issue, we decided to build a sixth clinic in this area and get even more doctors, since there must be a shortage. Why else would people not go to the doctor?” Members of the audience expressed similar sentiments, saying that “medical care is what makes our society better than ant colonies” and that they were excited to use their extensive experience of visiting doctors and surgeons “of various kinds; just look closely at Jim’s neck if you don’t know what I’m talking about” to fix the problem, now that they knew it existed. On display was a list compiled by the Project Planning and Organization Committee of the most important points of service the clinic should meet, based on RHS members’ input. “We really wanted to make the clinic accessible in a way that works with patients’ unique needs,” said RHS Outreach Officer Anne Sitnikov. “So far, we’ve found a tranquil location just outside the reach of all public transportation (less noise) that has space for a parking lot with extra-wide
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PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR
You don’t have to be an engineering major to get water on this campus, but it helps, just like with everything else here. BY SARAH SCHLOSSBERG
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Staff Writer
fter years of water spillage at the hydration stations on campus, UCSD announced an additional program to be incorporated into orientation to target water waste this week. The new program will begin with the incoming fall class and will last “as long as is necessary for the UCSD community to understand the importance of the only natural resource that we poop in.” George Bloom, an Orientation Leader for Marshall College, shared that the training will focus on two new guidelines: the 90 percent rule and the 30 degrees rule. The new guidelines recommend that a container should
be filled to about 90 percent of capacity to prevent spillage and that once it reaches that volume, the bottom of the container should be tilted about 30 degrees to the side. Bloom explained that tilting the bottom of the bottle by 30 degrees uncovers the sensor on the machine, which stops the water flow. By combining the two guidelines, water won’t be spilled because there is room left in the bottle to account for the tilt. According to Veronica Stark, a post-doctoral scholar who led the nine-month project to develop the new guidelines, if these two rules are used effectively, water waste from spillage at UCSD would drop by 28 percent. Stark went on record that
these guidelines would make hydration stations more user friendly, prevent water waste, and keep them clean for other users. She shared that “the first time I saw a 4-foot-10-inch kid try to fill up his water bottle and spray water over three feet away, I knew I had to do something. ” Stark decided to look into the sources of the water spillage, assuming that it could be easily fixed. Instead, the problem was progressively revealed to be more complicated than previously thought and Stark consulted researchers specializing in water filtration, water flow, water bottle design, and college freshman psychology. Bloom noted he was
concerned that students wouldn’t be receptive to the guidelines, mainly because nothing else that is said during Orientation is remembered either. This new program, which is estimated to last up to an hour, will cut into other valuable programs such as “Living in a Temporary Double: You Should Stop Complaining Already,” “Library Research: Using the Library of Congress,” and “Dining Dollars: You Should Buy a Lot More.” Bloom and his co-leaders are currently discussing ways to make the program more exciting with UCSD admin. Bloom noted that the possibility of filming a demonstration with a GoPro inside a water bottle “looked promising.”
Fun S R I A F Y T N U O C R E M M U S NEOLITHIC ERA FAIR Come see the first ever ferris wheel
Come learn how to make a rock hammer using only other rock hammers, participate in the “birthing strong children” contest, or catch a re-enactment of continental drift in this journey back in time.
OCEAN FLOOR FAIR* It’s better down where it’s wetter
In this underwater wonderland, eat fried kelp on a stick, and participate in the wet t-shirt contest, all while experiencing vertigo and slowly drowning!
*Warning: you probably shouldn’t have sex at this fair; water is a horrible lubricant
JUST GOATS FAIR Baaaaaaaaaaahhhh goats for goats
Take part in the annual goat harvest, and pick a fresh goat from a tree, or participate in one of the many contests like head butting or trying to dress up a mouse as the most convincing goat.
PYROMANIACS FAIR It’s gettin’ hot in here....
Now located at a brand new venue, this fair includes activities such as “guess the original object from its pile of ashes,” and an obstacle course featuring burning hoops to jump through! This fair is giving a whole new meaning to the term “controlled burn.”
spots for patients’ SUVs. We’ve also contacted a limo company to contract out to us driving services that patients can pay for, if they don’t want to take their own cars.” To work with patients’ schedules, the clinic plans to offer services every weekday from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. and closed on weekends and evenings “so beneficiaries can enjoy relaxing with their families in the comforts of their homes.” Other plans to provide a comprehensive experience include trickling fountains in waiting rooms “to take away all the cares” of visitors and patients, and charging “reasonable, but on the pricier side, like Hermès versus Chanel” costs for services so visitors have something to complain to their friends about at dinner parties. “Many of our previous years’ efforts for other causes had run into trouble with the amount of people we were trying to reach,” said RHS Resources Officer James McCrakey. “Our hunger relief program from 2011, “Crostinis for All,” quickly fell apart once we tried implementing it a few neighborhoods over from the RHS meeting hall, which was weird because it had been working fine in our members’ neighborhoods up until that point.” McCrakey went on to explain that it had finally been figured out that the program had not been prepared to handle the level of need that existed beyond the areas that RHS members frequented. However, he says, this year’s project won’t run into those problems because the federally determined poverty level means that only a very small fraction of the American population is eligible to receive help. “It was a huge relief. Now we can just put all of that effort into really helping a few people,” McCrakey said. “I bet we can even have real orchids in the waiting rooms.”
TOP TEN
Things Overheard at a Marvel Movie Marathon 10. Hey, see that evil guy over there? I bet he’s gonna win in the end 9. They should make a comic book out of this! 8. Oh, that one white man! I love him 7. Shut the hell up, it’s the shawarma scene 6. “Well, you see, Thor’s in the movie because it’s the Prime universe, but this is the alternate universe…” “Steve! Shhhh — no one’s ever cared” 5. Those costumes have to chafe, right? 4. No, no, we gotta wait, we gotta wait, wait for it, there’s still a thing at the end 3. “Wasn’t he dead?” “Nope.” “Wasn’t he a good guy?” “Nope” 2. Ohhh, so alcoholism was the real evil; oh no, wait, sorry, it was robots 1. This was not in the comic book
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June 3, 2015
UCSD to Reduce Screaming Emissions 20 Percent by 2020
EDITORIAL
I Could Totally Be President of Mars If I Wanted To
BY ICARUS SMITH
O PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR AND JACOB AGUIRRE
“Primal scream? Oh no. We’re just horrified at our own existence,” explained one of the students. BY KYLE TRUJILLO Staff Writer
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hancellor Pradeep Khosla signed the campus onto a voluntary plan to reduce screaming and shrieking by 20 percent by 2020 at a conference last Friday, calling UCSD’s current scream output “unsustainable.” The so-called “20 by 2020 Plan” has now been accepted by three UCs, as UCSD joins UC Davis and UCLA in a voluntary commitment to move towards complete independence from screaming as a stress reliever. Speakers lauded the plan as a significant step toward improving campus environment. Like most universities, UC San Diego has a yearly scream output exponentially higher than its surrounding community. However, UCSD stands out from its peers as
particularly loud, with an average daily decibel level of about 114dB last year, with the other UCs emitting an average of only 99dB. Students have even given the campus the nickname “UC Screaming Desperately.” Tailored to UCSD, the plan emerges as a result of a cohesive, multi-year effort by both UC administrators and student environmental groups. “We feel that the measures of this agreement target the root causes of scream emissions at UCSD, which is, of course, stress,” said the director of the Student Sustainability Collective, Allison Khoe. These measures include increasing awareness of other Mason jar and puppy-based stress-reducing activities at the Zone, reducing the spider population, and offering scraps of leather for students to bite while studying for fi-
nals and midterms. “We also would have liked to address the underlying factor of student debt, and its role in scream emissions,” admitted Khoe. “But University officials just started wailing shrilly whenever we brought up the subject.” Despite these communication difficulties, Khoe and other members of the collective still consider the current agreement a “promising compromise.” Students can expect a quieter campus, and the University can attract more paying students, who might otherwise be deterred from choosing UCSD by tour guides who tend to use anguished groans in place of filler words. “The benefits of reducing our scream emissions are incontrovertible,” said director of Student Health Services, Julie Marsh. “As screaming declines,
we can also expect to see less students curled in a fetal ball and rocking back and forth in corners of Geisel, less structural damage and corrosion from salty puddles of tears, and fewer menacing shadows that slip out of our peripheral vision and disappear whenever we turn around.” “We’ve got a long way to go, of course,” said Juan Gonzales, Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs. “A long, long way. Just thinking about it... I… I don’t know if I can…” he continued, lowering himself to the conference room floor to lie face down, mumbling the rest of his comments into the carpet. When asked if the University would provide funding for the scream-emission-cutting leather scraps, the Vice Chancellor rotated his head 180 degrees and screamed at the ceiling, his eyes focused on nothing.
National Merit Academic Honor Student Society Wants You, Specifically
PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN
This college student was conflicted about whether the pop-up would be more enticing if it offered access to an exclusive alumni community or chats with hot, local singles. BY LAWRENCE LEE
Graphics Editor he National Merit Academic Honor Student Society — Beta Rho Chapter released a written statement detailing how it is actively and exclusively seeking your membership. According to the statement, you are a “unique and unparalleled individual who possesses all the qualities and characteristics” that it deems worthy of membership into its elite ranks. It has carefully selected you from a small pool of current undergraduate university students around the world; according to chapter president Peyton King, who personally hand-wrote the statement addressed to you, this pool was generated with the criteria of
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top-notch academic performance, outstanding citizenship, and a minimum of 18 years of age. The statement details that you were eligible with your cumulative grade point average of 3.13 and standing in the top 40 percent of your major. “I would like to congratulate you, first and foremost, on your invitation into our prestigious family,” King greets at the beginning of the letter, indicating the high level of honor with which you are expected to receive such an invitation. “It is no small feat for you to be deserving of our efforts in extending our gracious hand of membership,” he continues, really fleshing out your potential membership’s
importance to the society. “Should you wish to accept the offer to take advantage of the vast membership benefits, all that is required,” King writes, “is the return of a onetime once-per-year payment of $500, payable to the National Merit Academic Honor Student Society. The immediate benefits include a free tote bag, two personalized mugs with your surname printed on them ($20 each), a complementary National Merit Academic Honor Society size XL tshirt, and an engraved plaque (additional $25 for a wooden back), all delivered within two to eight weeks of your acceptance (shipping and handling varies from $20 to $60). “Beyond the immediate benefits,” King continues in
the statement, “are lifetime benefits for the duration of your membership: access to our far-reaching alumni network, up to $2500 in scholarships (total available amount for all members), and a free tote bag on your birthday — yes, we remember your birthday!” “Once again, congratulations on your acceptance.” King concludes. “We’re massively excited for you to join us, especially because we definitely have not invited anybody else whomsoever from the eligible pool to do so.” At press time, you were still considering the offer but strongly leaning towards accepting — the free tote bag seems like a steal.
Fifth Grader
kay, so I’m not trying to brag or anything, but I definitely think “Future Mr. President of Mars” is a reasonable career path for me. I mean, I’d like to think of myself as a pretty attentive student, and after acing 4th grade world history, AND art, I’m pretty positive I have what it takes. Now, I realize that there is currently no government or people on Mars, but according to my science teacher, it will be fully colonized by the year 2050. Also, given that all presidents have been really old, and I have at least another 50 years before I get really old, it’s pretty much guaranteed that by the time I want to be elected, there will be at least some voting booths or something there. The only other thing that could stand in our way are the aliens. Having watched “Predator” a lot of times, and “Ben Ten,” I consider myself pretty well-versed in foreign creatures. I’ve concluded, although they look pretty weird and gross, and they don’t hold themselves to the same standards as us people, they’re fairly stupid and docile. I don’t think we’ll have any problem beating them, especially because we’re the good-guys. So, since we’re guaranteed to have control of Mars and everything, I can just focus on the campaigning. I’m feeling pretty confident there, too. I mean, I’ve already practiced
my winning smile all of the other guys have had, and after I hit puberty, I’ll look exactly like JFK. I’ve also gotten really good at saying things like “God bless Mars, the land of the free,” and “I’m Icarus Smith, and I approve this message.” Next, all presidents, by definition, have really big houses, and really fancy things. Then they have friends with even bigger houses and nicer things. I just got a pair of super shiny nice shoes, and I already have a red, white, AND blue tie. Also, my dad knows people who own mansions with really big staircases and like 20 whole bathrooms, that’s about as nice as you can get. I could definitely beat out that guy Mark, who only has a solid blue tie and 5 bathrooms. He’s small time. Finally, above all, I think I have the winning haircut for it. Every modern president has had short, well-groomed hair, and sometimes cool looking facial hair. Anyone with long hair just won’t make it to the White House, let alone the president’s house on Mars. I already get my hair cut short, so that I can make sure I get the style just right by the time I’m old. I’ll be one step ahead of all those long-haired people like Sarah, Lily, Rebecca, and Samantha. They should definitely reconsider their choice of hair stylists if they want to get into politics. Really, it seems like I’m destined to be president or something. I think it’ll be fun to be in charge of Mars. All of that empty space. Although, I remember Mr. Williams saying that Mars was only the 7th largest planet in the solar system. That’s not as much empty space as there is on like Jupiter or something. What if Mars just doesn’t have enough room for me to build all of the playgrounds or giant trampolines that I want? Man, I wish I could be president of Jupiter instead, I think I need to rethink my plan, and find friends with more bathrooms. Maybe shave my head?
TOP TEN
Signs this Wedding Is About to Go South, Fast 10. You’re in Vegas and it’s the morning after 9. As you approach the end of your vows the violin music starts to swell, but you didn’t hire any violinists 8. “What, that was the last shrimp? You’re out of hors d’oeuvres?” 7. Your segment on this episode of “Bridezillas” has been pretty tame 6. The wedding is on a ship and it’s sailing to Mexico 5. The pastor keeps repeating, “‘Til death do us part, ‘til death do us part” 4. Suggestions for the gift registry are in the invite 3. His vows were in Klingon, but hers were in Elvish 2. You asked one of the guests if they’re with the bride or groom and their response was “FBI search warrant!” 1. He said the wrong name at the altar We destroy everything we touch.
THE MQ Next year.
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
June 3, 2015
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“BlackMouse” Exposes Abuse of Disneyland Workers
EDITORIAL
An Open Letter to Barack Obama
BY LYNN CACKLEBERRY
Nuclear Family Enthusiast
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PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
After being revived, the employee described her near death experience as “just like the dark underbelly of Space Mountain!” BY BRANDON EHLERT
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Distribution Captain
n a press conference last Thursday, Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger spoke about a pending lawsuit, which is centered on the unsatisfactory working conditions of Disneyland employees. “On behalf of the entire Disney team, I want to express my deepest condolences to the world,” said the executive. “Walt Disney set out to create a bubble of happiness in a world of terrors, and by ignoring the needs of our rescues, I feel I have done a disservice to our fans and to humanity.” Rumors about unsavory working conditions began to propagate last year, when guests at the park started to notice that some of the ride operators were not performing as well as they had been when the park opened back in 1955. Under healthy conditions, the workers are usually agile, can quickly recog-
nize when a ride experiences a malfunction and are able to act swiftly, and are brightly colored with stiff collars. Recently, however, the operators have been slower to react to the guests and to the needs of the park, and their collars and dorsal fins have started to look limper. Conditions for workers at the park have been deteriorating for years, and they reached a low point this April. “We had good intentions at the start, with our ‘More for the Mouse’ initiative,” explained Iger. “But I think we bit off more than we could chew, taking in far too many rescues for the amount of space we had to house them.” The excess of employees started a snowball effect. The budget per rescue decreased, as well as the time spent with each rescue per day, and the cumulative effect became neglect and under-nurturing of the workers. “Instead of making the employees hunt for
their meals, like they would out in nature, we started just giving each employee funnel cakes and chicken tenders from a bucket,” admitted one of the handlers, who wished to remain anonymous. “We knew in the back of our minds that we were setting these rescues up for failure once they were released back into the environment. Weak dorsal fins, loss of hunting instincts, and excessive trust of humans were all just the start of these organisms’ problems.” Once guests began to take notice, Disney faced a serious threat to their economic success, as public approval of the park plummeted, and boycotts of the park led to shockingly low attendance levels at both California parks, as well as at Disney World. Adding to public dismay, “BlackMouse: Even Dopey Would be Shocked,” an exposé documentary produced by Daniel Fields, was released shortly after news of this debacle got
out. The film depicted conditions in the park as sickening and depraved. “It was disgusting,” said one viewer after the premiere. “I could just throw up. To think that while we were all having fun, these poor humans were being abused and mistreated by their handlers. It’s no wonder the ride operator on Space Mountain never waved back at us.” Despite a composed public appearance, Iger has confided that the park is being threatened on all sides. Other employees at the park have expressed their anger at how the Disney rescues have been treated. Pirates of the Caribbean, one of the original and most beloved rides at the park, has been closed for twoweeks, as the animatronic pirates and wenches have “refused to continue their song and dance for the crowds, as the knowledge of how horrific this park has treated its humans makes it impossible to feign enjoyment.”
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER PREVIEW
am the mother of two beautiful children in California, as well as one of the head organizers of MAHM (Mothers Against Homosexual Marriage). I feel it is my responsibility to both aspects of my life to let you know how extremely upset I am at your handing of the growing epidemic of gay marriage. In fact, homosexual union is a seemingly invisible issue that is slowly unraveling the very fabric of American morals. Recently, I found myself in need of a relocation as a part of the aftermath of a divorce from my third husband. My two children and I became new residents of one of the most beautiful cities in America: San Francisco. I was instantly attracted to this city by its easy access to transportation, plethora of coffee shops and restaurants, and the San Francisco State University that could become an inspiration for my children. Do you know who else was attracted to this city? Gay people. As we moved in, left and right my family was surrounded by these freaks of nature: men were holding hands and women were kissing. One couple even offered to help us unpack! Who do they think they are, Mr. President? Professional interior decorators?! Quite frankly, I was extremely threatened by their willingness to help my family, and it made me question their intentions for my children. I have tried desperately to shield them from any influence the homosexuals could inflict upon them, but it seems as though my efforts were just not enough. I recently discovered a Playboy magazine underneath my son’s bed. A playBOY maga-
zine. Mr. President, I think my son might be gay and I am holding you personally responsible. I would like to think I have raised my family with better moral standards. In fact, we go to church every Easter and Christmas, like the good, devoted Christians we are. Matthew 21:18-22 is a story about Jesus going up to a fig tree on His way to Jerusalem, and since the tree did not have any figs on it for Jesus to eat, He cursed it. It instantly withered away, never to fruit again and his disciples were amazed. Obviously, Mr. President, the bible wasn’t talking about figs. A mere typo should not keep us from the true message. I would now like to turn your attention to two of the most well liked, married homosexuals that I have to shield my poor babies’ eyes from: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. It is a sin and a crime for them to be married because their beautiful genes will never be passed on to benefit humanity. This is a moral issue, Mr. President, because they are being extremely selfish to never reproduce and create more handsome young men or dashing young women. I mean to say this is a pure, heterosexual sense, of course. And their children! Sure, they are smiling and appear to be healthy, but they don’t know any better! Those children should be going to two heterosexual parents that our adoption system will perfectly match them to. That’s the one great system this country has going for it: the foster care/adoption agency. I don’t care how many children there are without families, those children should always go to a man and a woman. This is how God wants it, Mr. President. God bless America. I have a possible solution to this problem that I would like you to take into serious consideration, which includes a lot of gracious compromises on my part; take all of the homosexuals and ship them all to Canada. See, Mr. President? I am not irrational, and I can negotiate! I’m sure they will feel right at home. “Eh for Gay!” Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
TOP TEN
TRANSFORMERS
IX:
BIG BOOM CARS ROBOTS
EAT, PRAY, LOVE, DIVORCE, DIE The perfect date movie for white heterosexual couples looking to deceive themselves into believing their rela-
Due to make more money than the human mind can have a coherent conception of, this sequel to last year’s origin story prequel features a plotless two hours filled with Michael Bay actually blowing up housing projects in underdeveloped nations. CGI Gerard Butler stars in this along with a number of women reversing all the feminist progress made in “Mad Max.”
tionship is going fine. Jennifer Aniston and Taylor Lautner team up to travel to India and inspire themselves through a novel and the indigenous culture in Mumbai. They come back with a fleeting sense of hope and a prayer shawl they’ll soon find to be “too tacky.”
THE FANTASTICAL BUNCH OF ALLEYWAY ASSASSINS This visionary production, which was co-directed by Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino, captured all eyes at Cannes. Watch as Bill Murray breaks the world record for number of utterances of the N-word in a two hour sequence, then a silent martial art fighting scene set to a Django Reinhardt song. Shot “like a schizophrenia patient got his hands on a DSLR,” Roger Ebert’s blog called it “something that probably shouldn’t have happened.”
iPhone Hacks Steve Jobs Didn’t Want You to Know About 10. If you just put the phone away, you can access an extremely high resolution world of sights, sounds, and experiences 9. If you throw the phone on the ground hard enough, it will start floating 8. Can also function as a very small plate in an eating emergency 7. If you hit the right keys, all of your information won’t get forwarded to the NSA 6. You can use an iPhone in the bath as long as you don’t let it get wet or too steamy 5. Almost prevents mortality 4. If you tap on the home button four times in a row, it sends an apology text to your ex 3. If you have the front facing camera opened and you yell “Bloody Mary” at it 10 times, Tim Cook will appear in your living room 2. If you scroll far enough south, you’ll eventually be scrolling north 1. Much like the Apple Watch, it also tells time
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June 3, 2015
A Security Guard’s Notes from Sun God 2015
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Abandoned chemistry equipment. Implicated in the production of illegal substances.
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Graffiti Park Vandalized
Area Preschool to Implement Strict “Don’t Show, Don’t Tell” Policy
PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN
“This helps them acclimate to the harsh and repressed world they’ll one day enter,” a teacher explained. BY BARAK TZORI
A PHOTO BY SARAH SCHLOSSBERG
Although his sketch of the vandals had certain “uniqueness” in perspective, Khosla failed to convince the audience of his comparison to the Sistine Chapel. BY EVVAN BURKE
Assistant Copy Editor
U
CSD Police are asking for help in their ongoing investigation for the person or persons who vandalized several boards installed near the Old Student Center last Sunday, causing as much as $100 worth of damage to the plywood. The offense comes after the much contested decision by UCSD Administration to repurpose the Park as a place to display “installations from various community artists.” Since then, students have been barred from painting over a permanent installation “Ode to a Lost Time,” by La Jolla artist Kadeep Prosla. However, last Sunday, UCSD police estimate that as many as three different vandals spray-painted over the piece.
In a statement, Chancellor Khosla said he is taking the destruction “very persona- seriously. Very seriously. “At UCSD, we take art very seriously, and the callous lack of respect this vandal has demonstrated to the neoclassical/ deco inspired masterpiece, which was featured in the park previously, stands against everything this university supports,” Khosla continued. According to reports, “Ode to a Lost Time” consisted of three boards full of off-center, geometric pictures of flowers, and one camellia, which stood for loneliness in the Victorian “language of flowers.” Many of the flowers had what students described as either tears or falling, blue petals. “I mean, they look like tears on the first board but they get pretty skewed by the end so maybe the artist was
just in a rush?” said amateur art historian Holly Granger. The rest of the boards were, according to a statement left by the enigmatic artist, “intentionally left blank as a metaphor for the emptiness of our lives after we give up our passions to study computer science and get a job as a school administrator and also run out of spray paint.” Some time Sunday evening, the vandal(s) reportedly desecrated the boards with stenciled images of dolphins, the number 420, and the copyrighted character Garfield engaging in substance abuse. The last image has proven to be of special interest to the administration, who has already been contacted by the copyright holders looking to send a cease and desist, claiming that “the least they
could have done was source it on a separate board.” Police report that finding eyewitnesses has proven difficult, as many students have confused “Ode to a Lost Time,” which Khosla has described as “a tribute to the melancholy wanderings that happen at night,” as the real vandalism. However, in lieu of an eyewitness description, Khosla has speculated that the vandal(s) were likely “wearing a hoodie and one of those douchey, deep V-neck t-shirts. They also likely have a lot of bad tattoos since they apparently love desecrating God’s work so much.” Anyone with information about the case is asked to send an “anonymous” tip to Crime “Stoppers” by sending an email through a UCSD “secure” internet connection.
Anarchy Sweeps UCSD Following “Free the Nipple” Event, Reports Claim BY RILEY MALLORY
Editor-in-Chief eports have claimed that the University of California, San Diego has experienced a wave of chaos, destruction, and a general breakdown of civil society following the “Free the Nipple” protest, wherein UCSD students sat around and had a nice day on the grass. Though anecdotal evidence and official police reports do not corroborate these claims, area news agencies have claimed that that has “never prevented [them] from printing a sensational story before, and it won’t now.” The reports of violence have come primarily from a small but vocal group of bloggers and “that-weirdg u y- o n - y o u r - Fa c e b o o k feeds,” many of which had predicted the rise of “lawlessness” when the Free the Nipple event was first announced. One blogger, “Ma n s p l a i n i n g _ Tr u t h _ 2 _ Power,” claims that the event generated “dozens of sexual harassments” towards men forced to see uncovered nipples while standing and gawking at them. He has also claimed that the event may be “scarring for children, though of course not ones under one year old when they’re still breastfeeding, or over 13 when they’ve started looking at porn. But imagine what it might do to kids in that window!” “There’s just been a complete breakdown of civil society at UCSD. Once people see that women can take their shirts off, they realize they don’t have to follow any of society’s other rules either! They can lie! Steal! Kill! Not take their clothing out of laun-
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Content Editor
local preschool in the San Ysidro School District has decided to enforce a strict “Don’t Show, Don’t Tell” policy upon its students. The school’s principal Bernie Adcock made the controversial announcement last week during a PTA meeting, in between asking if the coffee was still warm and cutting more from the arts program budget. “This is a step in the right direction,” Adcock explained. “Don’t Show, Don’t Tell, or DSDT, means that every child will be able to play a part in the most beloved activity of presenting in class, given that they never reveal what they are presenting.” According to the new policy, the hour-long period between lunch and nap-time on Fridays will be restructured to ensure “level equality amongst all children” participating in show-and-tell. The measure states that “any object brought to class and deemed of ‘foreign, unnatural, or exotic’ character by the teacher must be presented from under a black cloak, with the child using no specific language to direct another student towards realizing what that object is.” “This is inclusion. This is progress,” mother of three, Sally Grimes insisted. “I truly don’t care what kind of household that boy Hal Carper is raised in, or if he still bathes with his siblings. What we’re saying is he can be that way if he wants, but there’s no reason to subject my own child to his perversions.” Grimes’ comments and the change in policy came after an incident last month when four and “this many” months old Carper brought in his favorite stuffed lion. In his presentation Carper told the class, “My grandfather got me this lion when I was borned and it’s
my favorite thing in the whole world and I love to share it with my sister and we do tea parties with it and…” When later that afternoon Grimes’ son came home and asked why he doesn’t have a nice sister to have tea parties with like Carper, his mother, surprised by her son wanting to do such a random activity, chose to take action. She stood in front of the entire PTA that very same week. “Kids like Hal Carper are a danger to those around them. When a normal child like mine is on the front lines volunteering during story-time, just the thought of him serving together with someone like Hal is enough to distract him, and you know how he has a tough time with p’s and d’s.” The crowd then rose to a soft murmur. Grimes continued, “I’m not advocating to throw out these children; they are students just like mine. However, it is fundamentally irresponsible of us to let them carelessly flaunt their home lives around normal, God-fearing preschoolers.” The measure passed with a slight majority the week after. On the following Friday morning, after a small debate with his mother, Hal Carper decided to bring something to show and tell. It was the dog tags the military sent to his house after his other mother lost her life on a tour in Afghanistan. When Carper reached into his bag after lunch to pull the chains out, his teacher quickly told him that if he was going to present, he would have to hide the tags under the black cloak. “I’m still going to go today because I love my mommies,” Carper stated. “And I know I can’t say what I have but it’s still important to me and it’s a part of me and I love being in show and tell so I’m not going to stop, even if I can’t show my friends my favorite things.”
TOP TEN
Reasons Every Final Exam Should Be Taken in the Nude PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR
“Feast your eyes on the bleak, Orwellian wasteland created by this event,” said one reporter. “You can’t see the bestiality off frame, but believe me, it’s there.” dromats in a timely enough fashion!” said Colin Westgate, who lives in rural Tennessee and blogs under the name “Opreesed_Major!ty.” According to other Internet reports, many local men who witnessed the event found themselves entirely desensitized to the nipple, and thus completely incapable of sexual arousal. These de facto eunuchs now wander the campus as broken, hollow eyed men waiting for their TiVo’s to fill up with “The Price is Right” reruns. Free the Nipple event organizers have responded by calling the reports from these bloggers “out of touch with the actual day to day affairs of UCSD,” and saying the event was “calm, and peaceful – if norm challenging – with no negative fallout.” In response, these bloggers
have asserted “CENSORSHIP! CENSORSHIP!” “These women just aren’t willing to have a rational, calm, clinical discussion of this and acknowledge that we’re always right. Just because they find public nudity so titillating doesn’t mean th- Ha! Titillating,” posted Westgate in a Facebook post this week. In an attempt to quell any unease about these reports held by parents of UCSD students, Chancellor Kholsa announced the findings of an official UC review of the state of campus society. In a speech yesterday, Kholsa announced, “we’ve really got a problem here. Reports have grown even graver in the past few days. Violence and lawlessness have apparently swept UCSD, leaving only destruction in its wake.
Now, the strong rule over the weak, and water is a rare and precious commodity thanks to the drought conditions and the destruction of public infrastructure. Roving bands of raiders fight in modified vehicles, and women are kept as breeding stock until Charlize Theron – I’m sorry, I’m being informed in my earpiece that there was a mix up. This is the wrong paper. This is apparently a synopsis of Mad Max: Fury Road, where the titular Max – Ha! Titular.” “Anyway, let me see here. It’s got to be here somewhere. Aha! Here it is. Okay, let me take a look it at… No, yeah, turns out everything was just fine. No problems at all. Just, like, people had a nice day and there were no issues following. Okay, talk to you guys later,” Chancellor Kholsa said, walking off stage.
10. Pants just get in the way of your creativity 9. Your long sleeve shirt won’t get caught on the desk, so it’s easier to write 8. Somehow half the class is now better dressed than before 7. Now even students without imaginations can relax 6. You’ve been doing it all quarter and there’s no reason to stop now 5. I don’t know much about fluid mechanics but my dick is rock hard 4. York 2702 gets really stuffy with 300 sweaty bodies 3. The right hand rule is easier without mittens 2. We should all be more accepting of nudity anyways 1. It’s VIS 104A
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Overacheiving Incoming Freshman Accepted Into All Six Undergraduate Colleges
Police Body Cameras Often Obscured By White Robes
“Oh, this is a clam bake…,” the officer said. BY KYLE TRUJILLO Staff Writer
I PHOTO BY TREVOR MALONE
Sixth college, not understanding the point of the exercise, swiveled in their chairs for 30 seconds until getting nauseous and falling over. BY LUKE TRIBBLE
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Staff Writer
ewly admitted student, Tommy Jones, earned the distinction of being the first student in UCSD history to be accepted to all six undergraduate colleges: Revelle, Muir, Marshall, Warren, ERC and Sixth. It was a day to remember for Jones, 18, as he received the news last morning. “Once I found out I got accepted, I could not contain myself,” Jones stated. “I couldn’t help but get chills down my spine thinking of all the student loan debt I’m going to gain by paying all these college fees!” Jones was always bullied for his short stature, arrogance and overall intellectual incompetence. “I have had haters my whole life, and with this acceptance they have finally been silenced,” Jones solemnly stated, a tear in his eye. When asked what about UCSD and all six colleges appealed to him the most, Jones
claimed he “was really attracted to the lack of on-campus parking all of UCSD provides.” When Jones was asked for clarification, he added that he “likes a challenge.” When head Revelle provost Paul Yu was asked what made Jones a strong candidate for admission, Yu stated that “Jones’s track record showcases that he is not only an excellent student, but also capable of persevering through both adversity and monotony. Strong extracurricular involvement and side projects can make for a stronger application, and Jones’s extensive gum wrapper collection (over 5,000 strong) highlights this. Given his demonstrated perseverance, we believe he will be able to endure the dull and difficult general education courses our college will force upon him with relative ease.” Sixth College provost Dan Donoghue had this to say regarding Jones: “We hope Jones decides to enroll at Sixth College. We also appreciate Jones’s love of camping,
so we have no doubt he will adapt and thrive in the Sixth College dorms and apartments quickly.” Many rumors have circulated regarding Jones’s acceptance, one being that Sixth College plans to rename itself to Jones’s College if Jones decides to enroll there. An anonymous source has also claimed that Muir College is expected to cut down a large grove of eucalyptus trees to begin construction on a personal apartment for Jones. Both Sixth and Muir declined to comment on these rumors. Jones was a varsity athlete and valedictorian of his high school class, boasting a 2400 SAT score, 7.0 GPA on a 4.0 scale, and over 2000 combined gameplay hours of World of Warcraft. Diana Jones, mother of Tommy, claimed that she is “very proud of her son” and “cannot wait for him to finally move out and get on with his life.” Bob Jones, father of Tom-
my, also commented, “I am probably the most surprised out of anyone else. Tommy is a dumbass, and I am pretty sure he cheated on his SAT and forged his report cards. Regardless, I am his father and I will try to support him as much as possible.” “I feel being a member of every college will allow me to take a diverse course load, given all the general education courses required. I just know for a fact that all this work is going to pay off, and my awareness of controversial, societal and humanitarian issues is going to mold me into a contributing member of society!” said Jones enthusiastically. After a short pause, Jones added that “in the grand scheme of things, however, my main priority is to get drunk at every college, and Geisel if possible.” “You can tell how much it means to him,” Ms. Jones said. “He is creating his eight-year plan right now as I speak!”
Who’ve Actually Made It! Here are some profiles of UCSD alumni who are now successful entrepreneurs, to inspire all of those on the path towards graduation. ELI DOUGLASS Eli made his fortune by synthesizing a unique, new sneaker that is both lightweight and highly portable. After developing a passion for knitting at a young age, he decided to put his skills to good use. For those in need of extra durable shoes, Eli has recently expanded his company
to include a new hiking shoe with two layers of cotton thread, making them practically invincible. Eli hopes that this product will eventually be able to reach all impoverished communities, and leave no child shoeless.
n response to the multiplying deaths of unarmed Black Americans at the hands of police officers, President Obama and the United States Department of Justice have called on police departments across the nation to equip officers with body cameras and proposed funding to support this effort. An increasing number of departments have already adopted the use of body cameras voluntarily, but demands for required camera use continue to rise. Yet many Americans, from activists to police commissioners, question the reliability and effectiveness of requiring such equipment. A recent study by ProPublica has found that in over 50% of cases where police body camera filming failed, the footage had been rendered useless by the presence of what appeared to be white fabric covering up the lens. Other explanations for bad footage included “justice is blind,” “forgot the lens cap,” and “not enough light … skin.” Many cameras were found broken as well, though officers maintain that cameras mysteriously broke themselves when nobody was looking. Some police departments have cited these malfunctions as evidence in claiming that such cameras are a waste of taxpayers’ money. This is the stance of Liam Porter, a lieutenant in the Baltimore, Maryland Police Department and local Grand Wizard. In an exclusive interview, Lt. Porter said he disagreed with local commissioner’s decision to require the use of body cameras, particularly as the department faces increased demands in the context of ongoing protests for Freddie Gray, who died of injuries sustained while in the custody of Baltimore officers. “Sometimes, in the line of duty, cameras get covered by white robes, and seatbelts don’t get fastened. These are complicated technologies police have to learn how to use, and with all the rioting going on right now, can we afford to spend time training?” Lt. Porter said.
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
“Honestly, we’re all still reeling from this integration thing. Give our servicemen and women some time to learn how to use the new equipment,” said Lt. Porter, as he polished and buffed his personal tank. Porter also attributed police officers’ reluctance to accept funds for cameras as “shyness” about being filmed in their “pure fatherland.” “Crime prevention, unlike phrenology, is not a perfect science, and we feel that filming would be adding undue pressure to our more sensitive officers” he added. Baltimore PD has drawn criticism for its racially selective crackdown on curfew violators, mainly focusing on Black neighborhoods. Lt. Porter explained that forces were especially concerned that their Black constituents get their rest, because recent protests have been centered on Black lives and may be emotionally draining for Black people. “We know it’s exhausting to be at the center of national news media attention,” said Baltimore Sgt. Gary Rice as he assisted a protester into a reclined position, offering the curb as a pillow. Sgt. Rice claimed officers were already taking measures to establish public trust beyond the use of cameras, such as offering seatbelt privileges to some of their paler passengers. “After all, our Black residents are naturally less susceptible to whiplash… wait can I rephrase that?” said Rice, his words slightly muffled by his hood. Local sources confirmed that the Baltimore PD has “taken steps to make police activities more accessible to the public.” These steps include offering white protestors rides home in squad cars with a free cup of tea and pamphlet on Modern Race Relations, offering Black protestors rides to county, and suggesting legal observers legally observe the interiors of police vans and jail cells. Some sources even reported seeing officers set large wooden crosses on fire in poor neighborhoods to provide a warm, comforting light for peaceful protestors, news media, and other officers.
Still waiting for Godot.
LAUREN GONZALEZ Lauren’s ingenious invention took the elementary school potato clock to a new level. After patenting her all-organic charging station (works with all Apple products and fruit-producing angiosperms), she quickly cornered the market on portable charging devices among
affluent San Diegans. Lauren then demonstrated her proficiency in finances as well as industry by investing in produce stock, which increased after the influx in fruit purchases.
JESSI ADDAMS Jessi noticed a problem that many of us have seen as well - the abysmal state of diversity shown in the advertising material used by colleges and businesses. But, unlike so many of us, Jessi decided to do something about it: she used the skills she learned in UCSD’s legend-
ary computer science department to develop a proprietary program capable of “nudging” race in photos. Now, she runs a successful print shop where she offers correction or full replacement of individuals in order to meet your diversity needs!
THE MQ Next year.
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
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June 3, 2015
Facebook Announces New “Hooking Up” Status Option
EDITORIAL
Don’t like Hip-Hop’s Aggressive Lyrics? Make Your Own!
BY MARGARET RORFFENBERGER
Mixtape Researcher
T PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN
This student’s aunt later commented on the photo, “HI JESSICA, IT'S GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU. YOUR LITTLE COUSIN MIGHT HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS BUT WE’RE NOT SURE YET, AND YOUR UNCLE LOST HIS HAND TO A WOOD CHIPPER. ANYWAY, I HOPE THE WEATHER IS NICE OVER THERE, LOVE YOU, XOX.” BY SARAH SCHLOSSBERG
Staff Writer acebook, Inc. announced in a press release on Friday that it will begin offering a new relationship status option to its users, called “hooking up.” The new option will allow users to designate that they are “hooking up” with as many as five other Facebook users. Facebook stated that the decision to limit the number of users one can be “hooking up with” was not for technical reasons. The company was reportedly concerned that allowing more hook-ups might “damage the delicate social fabric that Western society has woven over several centuries.” “Six marriages is fine.
F
THE MQ
Henry VII did it. But six hook-ups is just too many,” said Rachelle Park, a Facebook representative. The news immediately prompted a response from the conservative American Family Association, who posted a response on their own Facebook page. “Facebook is condoning sinful relationships which puts this country on a slippery slope towards permitting the marriage of multiple people. #ThanksObama.” Park said that the new feature is not a disruption, but rather a continuation of Facebook’s mission. “Facebook is supposed to reflect the way our users live, and to pretend that all of our users are in
monogamous relationships is simply unrealistic and discriminatory,” said Park. Facebook hopes that the feature will become more popular over time as having multiple partners becomes more socially accepted. Brian Reyes, one of the lead developers of the hook up feature, stated that the change will increase the practical use of Facebook, in the sense that it may actually help users keep track of their occasionally confusing relationships. Reyes shared the difficulty he has in this respect, saying that “as an employee at one of the most admired technology companies, it’s hard to remember who I have hooked up with. The new feature will make it much easier.”
One user, Molly O’Leary, said that the new feature would be useful for her because she wants this information to be on her profile in order to find new hook-ups. “I’m a friend with benefits kind of person, so I want my Facebook friends to know that I’m down if they want to hook up. It helps to break the ice,” said O’Leary. Despite the development, some users complain that the options are still not as versatile as they could be. Craig Markinson, a frequent user, said that he was disappointed that the new option would still not allow him to formalize his relationship with his vacuum cleaner.
CLASSIFIEDS FOR SALE
SEEKING
SERVICE
PERSONAL: Parasite looking for host. Must be comfortable with needles/ being filled with larvae.
HUBCAPS. Sorry, I can’t tell you where they’re from.
MY WALLET. I could have sworn — oh wait, I found it.
ONE FOX, one chicken, one bag of seed. Buyer responsible for transportation.
LIONEL RICHIE. “Hello is it me you’re looking for?”
WILL ATTEND FAMILY FUNCTIONS as the boyfriend or girlfriend you've been telling your relatives about. Skilled at drag makeup, pretending I'm super into you, and saying "aboot."
FATHER SEARCHING FOR SON, we’ve been playing hide and seek for four days, please come home, your mother and I miss you. NOT ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR ANYTHING, but wanted to let you know that I’m doing well these days and have started crossfit. YOU: U.S. citizen over 18 years old. Me: Down home Texas boy with big ideas and John Wayne bedroom eyes. Got some guns I want to put in your hands; help me make my dream your reality for the next four years. No liberal fascists please.
LAW SCHOOL DIPLOMA, gently used. Good for intimidating non-lawyer colleagues, using as coaster for large beverages. $10-20, willing to negotiate. Must also assume crippling law school loans.
GOLDEN SNITCH. Last seen in Devon, England in 1872. GO HUFFLEPUFF! LIGHT IN MY EYES. Went missing after graduation, haven't found since, last time I remember having it was at UCSD.
2014 AUDI R8. It isn't actually for sale; I just wanted you to know that I have one and you don't.
HUSBAND. 6'1", white, brown hair, glasses. Went out for cigarettes and diapers, never came home.
ORGANS.
STUDY PARTICIPANTS. Want to test the efficacy of a variety of different methods for gathering participant study participants, including but not limited to: stapling a sandwich to a wall with a flyer for a study inside the sandwich, and breaking into peoples houses at night and throwing the flyer on their faces while they sleep (subliminal!) to see if they come.
TEXTBOOKS. 4 in total. No pictures inside just lots of boring text. I'm not sure what subjects but I took them out of clean backpacks and they look expensive. ERNEST HEMINGWAY Quote Book. Never read.
TOP FIFTEEN
Reasons Why Yosemite National Park Can Suck It
PERSONALS
WOMAN seeking any friendly person who wants my HBO GO password and is willing to take the fall for the porn.
he summer is upon us, and that means children everywhere are being freed from the government mandated babysitting we call school, and spending all of their time in your house. Now that you actually have to spend time with your kids, you may start to notice that they have been a little too heavily influenced by their peers during the school year. For example, is your child wearing various flat-brimmed sports hats for teams not native to his/her hometown and bragging about drinking the “fo’ties” with the “homeboys” on the weekends? If your child is a boy, was he recently written up for “smacking a bitch?” If so, your child might be under the influence of rap music, the liberal’s ultimate weapon for tearing apart the moral fabric of our families and society. Besides all the house-rattling bass that has been driving you crazy and the rainbow ejaculation-splattered wardrobe your child may have taken on, the worst thing about all this “homie-g hippity-hop” is the violent and aggressive lyrics. The intro of Wu-Tang Clan’s “Method Man” will
make any upstanding citizen reach for the nearest cross or picture of Jesus (as if that man hasn’t suffered enough). So if you’re concerned with your child’s predilection for America’s most vile music this side of death metal, then consider this: instead of making them throw it away altogether, make your own “dope” rhymes for them to enjoy! It’s simple! Coming up with a defined topic is unnecessary for this to be successful. Multiple syllable rhyme schemes as well as other aspects that most people would associate with “good” rap music are a plus, but not at all required. Because let’s face it, your kid isn’t listening to the “good stuff”; they’ve listening to either mainstream banality or underground banality, so they won’t miss the lack of complex rhyme schemes and lyrical substance that was never there to begin with. With that out of the way, investigate his or her current taste in rap music. Chances are they’ve been bumping Migos, Young Thug and 2 Chainz. Now, instead of rapping about “popping caps” and “smacking hoes,” rap about “making snacks” and “doing cho’s!” (That’s a fun, gangsta way to say “chores”). With the right trap-style beat, this will make your kids get down to their favorite music with a new, clean message while positively influencing their behavior to suit your needs. Some experts may say that the best way to get through to your hip-hop loving kids who think they’re hard is to tell them to “grow the fuck up” and stop trying to act like Snoop Dogg. But we insist that modifying their music to be happy and “shit like that” is better for all of us.
I WILL PROVIDE AN ALIBI FOR YOU. Tell me a date and time window. No questions asked. I got your back, bro. "TAX DOCTOR"— Donald N. Sanders, "former" officer with "tax dept" is happy to keep you in "good tax health." For "personal" and "professional" tax services, call 800-7612211. Will make "house calls." HOUSE SITTER. By the 1874 Homestead Act, if I stay in your house for more than three days in a row, then it’s legally mine. Oh wait, forget I said that. Hire me. Phone number: 867-5309 ARE YOU LOOKING for stuff for sale, services, or personals? Try Craigslist!
15. “Apparently they don't care about my constitutional right to yell obscenities at deer” 14. It’s taking up valuable outlet mall possibilities 13. “I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you — I don't give a shit about wolves” 12. You looked everywhere for the elevator for Half Dome and couldn't find it 11. "Hunting, gun rights, second amendment, the environment is stupid, I don't like the federal government, etc." 10. Fresh air is better on NPR 9. “We could have had another reservoir, but noooo…” 8. What kind of tourist establishment doesn't have cell service? 7. It was pretty cool until that one guy told everyone about it and made it popular 6. When the San Andreas Fault does move, this place will all have gone to shit anyways 5. It sounds and smells like if old yogurt and Vegemite had a baby 4. It's just a Capitalist hellscape now, unlike the wild and untamed Bryce National Park 3. Half of a fucking rock? Lazy ass nature 2. I tried to take a selfie with a bear and it ripped off both of my arms 1. “YELLOWSTONE, BITCH!”
June 3, 2015
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U.S. Government Really Going to Listen This Time about Global Warming BY KARINA CORRALRODRIGUEZ
Staff Writer he government has called together religious figures, government officials, and musicians to debate the issue of climate change as scientists all over the country are trying to convince those in power that global warming is in fact not a myth. Neil deGrasse Tyson opened the conference by stating “this issue is one that has always been disputed. For one thing, there is this whole debacle on whether or not it is called ‘global warming’ or ‘climate change.’ The issue is not what it’s called, the issue is that it is still occurring.” JT Cummingberg, a Californian senator who was once a chemistry teacher furthered “greenhouse gases are a real thing, you guys. Please listen to me. The world will get hotter if there are more people making the world hotter. It’s not just about the smell of cows driving down the 5 freeway.” Although most people were in agreement with Cummingberg, some were not certain of the effectiveness of the conference at combatting this problem. Shaki, the official Scientology representative of Nebraska argued that “the Scientologists of Nebraska believe that climate change is just another false memory implanted in humans who haven’t been freed of the false reality they’ve been placed under. So there isn’t really a point to trying to ‘stop’ global warming.” However, Cummingberg responded that the key to stopping global warming is
T
PHOTO BY RILEY MALLORY
“It’s easy to think that high temperatures are melting the ice, but I think we might have some confounding variables,” said a scientist. “for us all to understand that global warming is literally global. I know that makes no sense, but we should really try to educate ourselves.” Cummingberg was then interrupted by Rodger Waters, who, upon hearing the word “educate,” felt spurred to contribute. “We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control. The dark sarcasm in the classroom. Teacher leave them kids alone.” To which local student Stacy Thompson, sitting in on the conference yelled “Waters, this is not your issue right now. Please leave.” Another scientist, who was once a TV personality but is now an official of the government urged “this issue is really a big deal. We are not looking at the big picture.
Everyone here is looking at the small picture.” A cardinal noted that he felt underrepresented throughout the conference, as he tried to focus discussion by questioning “what God do we worship? What direction do we bow down to? Is what we’re doing going to be okay in the end?” He was quickly quieted by the person to his left. Other popular views at the conference included the idea that polluted water, another widespread issue, is also due to global warming. As one California Representative noted, “this is not only in third world countries, it can happen anywhere, except maybe in La Jolla. However, she was lead out of the conference shortly after.
The conference then proceeded to discuss possible solutions, one of which was suggested by governmental democrat and included “cutting all electricity and again living as savages.” He furthered, “I mean, it all goes the same place. These are totally sustainable ways to live.” However, this was turned down by a New York congressman who claimed that “it would turn into cannibalism.” The government has promised that it will continue to implement policies to solve these issues. One promising solution discussed was to leave this planet once it has been rid of all its resources. This is not possible yet. However, scientists are working on it.
ON BRIEFING AND NOTHINGNESS THIS IMAGE HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR SECURITY REASONS In accordance with UCSD's Internet use policy, several images in this email have been flagged as potentially dangerous. This decision making process was made as part of UCSD’s Computer Safety Guidelines, which require the rules to be applied in a broad-reaching and universal manner. In an effort to better communicate reasons behind these decisions with users, UCSD’s Computer Science Chair has given the following reasons for why your image was removed: “Cookies were underbaked and starchy. “Google search for ‘yiff’ deemed high risk due to confusion over whether that should be a hard or soft ‘y.’ “Roommate’s site visits put your computer at risk for airborne viruses. “One of your contacts is listed as attending ‘Hogwarts University,’ which was deemed to be impossible.” If you would like to view these dirty, unsafe images, you can petition for them to be added to UCSD’s list of approved images by scheduling a meeting with the UCSD Computer Safety Advisory Board. Hearings occur on the first Sunday of every month. The archive of your browsing history kept under your student ID may/will be invoked as character reference.
APPLE EXECS UNDERGO THERAPY TO REMOVE “REVOLUTIONARY” FROM VOCABULARY Secret documents surfaced last week showing Apple execs enrolled in extensive psychotherapy. Apple CEO Tim Cook, who was originally unavailable for comment, recently held a press conference where he explained the documents. “Webster’s dictionary defines ‘revolutionary’ as ‘causing or relating to a great change,’” said Cook. “We at Apple have realized that putting a tiny phone on your wrist will not bring forth the next great age of scientific advancement, nor will it work very well as a phone. Or even a watch, really. As such, many of our marketing department executives have been forc- I mean, volunteered, to receive therapy to remove the word from their vocabularies, as they can no longer be trusted to use it correctly. I, of course, will still be able to use it, for when the revolution comes and I stand above you as your ruler and high overlord I want you to know exactly how it happened. “That was off the record, right?” When questioned about the whereabouts of the missing executives, Cook wouldn’t disclose their locations, only saying that they were “perfectly safe” in a “steel cage under 800 feet of concrete,” and that the new iPhone will “literally change the world.”
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY’S WATER BROKE After nine months of anticipation, actress Keira Knightley’s water broke yesterday at a Whole Foods Market near West Hollywood. “It was crazy,” remarked Jane Mellon, a customer who witnessed the event. “I was reaching for one of the chiaacai sampler shots when, all of a sudden, it sounded like someone dropped a bucket of water. Before I could even process it, I was part of Whole Food’s first-ever splash zone!” Another guest, Tanner Lanes, saw the entire thing take place. “I still don’t know how that could have happened. As Keira raised her Evian bottle to her lips, the plastic literally ripped apart and water went everywhere. I felt bad for her; to have had that happen in a public setting... “It was still pretty hot, though.” Keira was unavailable for questioning, but Mellon and Lanes corroborated that Knightley screamed, “Oh my God, my water just broke!” and ran out of the store, lamenting the fact the water had cost over eight dollars. An ambulance arrived 20 minutes after the incident, but they got there just as the store manager was snipping the umbilical cord of the baby that had just been born in the grains section of the store.
FIFA SCANDAL PROVES IDEAL FOR OUT-OF-FORM WORKPLACE JOKER After a rough start, KruyffCorp’s center administrative assistant Richard Snell’s workplace joke has returned to form as result of the recent scandals plaguing the governing body of international soccer, FIFA. Coworkers have reported that Snell has “stepped up almost every aspect of his game.” “His water cooler game hasn’t been this strong since the 2012 Mayan apocalypse scare” said Snell’s regional manager, Silvia Chen. “You can see it across the board. He’s improved on his knee clenches, his jokes about soccer being boring, not understanding why the rest of the world cares so much about it — it really reminds you why he’s a part of our team.” His improvement is no accident, of course; Snell said that he has been spending more time training than ever before. “I’ve been spending a lot of time reading headlines, skimming articles online, and just trying to come up with jokes,” said the twotime company-wide talent show winner. “I know I make it look easy, but it’s surprisingly difficult to recycle the same tired jokes about a sport you are entirely unfamiliar with and not come off like a complete asshole.”
POINT
I Am Always Afraid That Someone Died In My Thrift Store Clothes BY SIMON HALBRIGHT
Uncomfortable with Death
I
know I sound so silly, but I can't help but wonder! I hope that people just donate clothes they are done wearing, but the clerk gave me a “look” when I asked and then walked away before I was able to ask her if this soccer jersey had ever been sweated in. Crazy to think what could have happened to someone wearing these clothes. Even though you wash them right away on the "Super Soil" setting, it doesn't change the fact someone could have been cursed, died in a lethal accident, or even worse, had sex while wearing these. There isn't even a way to know if someone had already bought these clothes from a different thrift store! The number of ghosts in this could be crazy. This '80s Miami souvenir shirt could have
been worn by a punk rocker, then a mommy blogger, and then me. I hope no racists or homophobes have ever worn these clothes. Does bigotry linger on fabric even if I Shout it? I bet the bigotry would be gone then. But the ghosts I can't be sure of. My EMP meter picked up something when I was at the thrift store, but to be honest it could be a cell phone, radio, or digital watch.
COUNTERPOINT
YOOOOOOUUUU BET I DIIID! BY GENE
Super Dead irl, you’re trippin'. All thrift store clothes are donations from relatives of dead people, and you better believe it’s because people died in every single one of those garments. “Vintage” clothes are just ones that pretentious assholes have died in. Why would someone donate a pair of all white air force ones if someone didn't hella die in them? Those were my friend Larry's. He died in a freak pogo stick accident. Let’s just say that the pants he died in were in no condition to be donated, but surprisingly no blood or feces got on the shoes. Lucky you! Name's Gene by the way, I’ve been a ghost since 2001. I died in that jacket you are wearing. Don't worry, I didn't die in a weird way. I died on 9/11 and I know what you are thinking it wasn't that. I had
G
a heart attack while watching Mariah Carey's documentary “Glitter” on its opening day. My daughter probably donated it while they went through my estate. She always hated that jacket. Said I looked like a high school football coach. But in the creepy way, not the “role model to the blossoming of America's youths” way. You look good in it. I looked better but I am dead now so whatever, I guess.
TOP TEN
Similarities between Eating Carne Asada Fries and Losing One’s Religion 10. Both are easy choices when you consider communion wafers are the other option 9. Church officials ask you to not do it during Mass 8. You realize you’re just a fleshy body adrift in this world subject to its whims and merciless perils 7. Consumerism is your god now 6. It starts with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach 5. Rufus Wainwright's “Hallelujah” is on repeat 4. After a couple of days, you feel just as empty as when you started 3. Great way to break fast 2. Nietzsche was right when he said God was dead and ingesting large amounts of carbohydrates and meat is a bad choice 1. "That's me in the corner..." This self-ad is not affiliated with the rest of the paper.
THE MQ Next year.
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
Page 12
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June 3, 2015
Flavor of Love Matchmaking: The White House Edition
Are you a rotund baby with curly hair and a propensity for sinking unsolicited but magical arrows into people’s butts? Can you, like, totes tell that those two would be literally perfect together? Are you the “cupid” of your friend group? Then try your hand at this little matchmaking game. Based on these descriptions, decide the best matches in the political sphere by pairing our hunky candidates with the best sugar daddy corporation to fund their presidential campaign!
THE SPONSORS
THE CANDIDATES California Corrections Corporation
Hillary Clinton
Pros: This dashing Corporation has a lot of valuable connections suitable for any candidate looking to expand their “friend” circle. Additionally, if you ever need to get rid of someone for some reason, they know a guy. The California Corrections Corporation likes to play hard to get, and will be sure “Habeas shmabeus!” to have the candidates crawl through a fair amount of shit to get to where they want to be, just like “The Shawshank Redemption.”
Pros:
“All the apple crates I stand on during town hall meetings are hand crafted in the USA.”
As a former senator and Secretary of State that served under two separate Presidents, this seasoned candidate might very well turn out to be a strong leader for the nation. In Wellesley, Clinton received a 3.2 overall GPA, but her major GPA was 3.6. She’d be a first: not a first first, but like second in a line of firsts which is still pretty good.
Cons:
Cons: Although business is booming, this contestant has so many cons that they don’t know what to do with them! They will provide as much support as possible. However, the majority of their inmates are convicted felons, and therefore disenfranchised. This contestant is also known to have frequent wardrobe malfunctions that could impede on public image; as no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t make red the new black.
This candidate might seem like a polished veteran, but she holds some deep scars under her skin. Unable to get over her childhood nickname “Hillary Clit-on,” Clinton is still associated with the greatest terrorist attack in the 21st century, Benghazi. In a serious drawback, polling has shown that most Americans are not yet ready for a male First Lady.
Bernie Sanders
Monsanto Pros: Saying “yes” to Monsanto guarantees any candidate a lifetime supply of high fructose corn syrup, and they’ve also almost cracked the genetic modification of humans (patent pending)! Monsanto has been noted “If you let us help your campaign by previous partners for having grow we will patent it and own it 50 percent more durable straw, and have control over anything it which will result in more votes may contain, or what may grow during straw elections. For those looking to boost their from it next season!” sphere of influence, farmers will like them, right?
Cons: Those looking for a good provider of food might want to think carefully before committing to Monsanto, as their genetically modified tomatoes are reported to be less nutritious than Whole Food’s pure, organic ones. Also, Monsanto has been cited as a “bad cuddler” by many, making it difficult to get “intimate” with this company.
Pros:
“If anything, I’m going to Nader this shit harder than anyone before me.”
This nice Jewish boy from upstate Vermont is not your average old, white guy. At the ripe age of twenty five young Bernie started the now extremely successful belt sanders manufacturing company Sander’s Sanders. A champion of campaign finance reform, this gentleman strives to kick out the old elephants in the room. And everyone loves to cheer for an underdog!
Cons: We all love when a partner speaks their mind. But sometimes, more isn’t necessarily better. Sanders at times can be too attached to his political ideals, money doesn’t sway him as much as one would hope. Other flaws include him going on camera in 2013 and admitting that he “didn’t really get ‘The Artist,’” and that this is literally the first time you’ve heard of him.
Pile of Money
Jeb Bush Pros:
Pros: This pile of money is perfect for those looking for a smooth and easy hook-up with no strings attached. It has a full, unmarked body, made up of sexy, non sequential, one dollar bills, and you don’t legally have “Now even bigger since switching to tell anyone where you found to GEICO, and it only took 15 it! This contestant will pasminutes!” sively support any candidate’s opinions and policies, making it excellent for those shy candidates that need extra, unwavering moral support.
Cons: Having an apathetic, flexible partner isn’t always the best. A candidate who takes on this pile of money will have to make all of the important decisions in the relationship, and develop their own stances on economic and social policies without directions from a powerful sponsor. Candidate should also be cautious about stealing this money from one of its other partners, as you can never really get that blue ink off of their clothes.
Part of a proud family lineage including George H. W. Bush, George H. W. Bush’s dad, and a little-known cousin named Dorothy Bush Koch, Jeb is a safe, steady choice. Jeb is known by old Floridian women as “that “A nice, solid Bush is always in nice, handsome guy across the fashion.” street,” and looks great for 62. He also has that “gubernatorial charm” that is crucial for any candidate.
Cons: Jeb is known to be shifty at times, suggesting some deep, hidden insecurities. He marked “hispanic” as his ethnicity in 2008, and “black” later in 2012, and allegedly wrote a “pretentious and vaguely insulting paper” during his college years. Unfortunately, unlike his brother, Jeb does not have cheerleading experience either, making him less of a renaissance man than other candidates.
Chris Christie Red Bull
Pros:
Pros: Candidates won’t need to sleep for four days straight with this high-energy sponsor. Red Bull will encourage maximum productivity and efficiency in its sponsee. This company will be sure to meet all of your energizing needs, and additionally can make your urine have a pH of 1.2, giving you the ability to dissolve cardboard in your free time! YEAH!!!!!!
“ARE YOU PUMPED FOR CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM?? I’M PUMPED FOR CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM!!!”
Cons:
Unfortunately, Red Bull is not perfect. Although popular among college kids, it has been unsuccessful at getting them to actually vote, as they often feel too jittery after drinking a can to wait in the long poll lines. We are also obligated to inform the contestants that chronic sleep deprivation can lead to fatigue, mental deterioration, irritability, high blood pressure, and weight gain.
“I’m scientifically proven to be the real Chris Christie.”
Chris Christie is a big Bruce Springsteen fan, and enjoys going on long walks in diverse neighborhoods in his personalized fleece jacket. Christie is also a major go-getter, and already has a plan to fix American infrastructure by backing up all bridges in the U.S. He boasts to have read almost all of the Wikipedia page on John Locke’s “Two Treatises of Government,” for those looking for more intellectual discussions over dinner.
Cons: Christie could possibly have erectile dysfunction, making it difficult for him to perform. Although alliterations tend to roll off the tongue easier, they are proven to be less appealing to voters, which could lead to disappointment to Chris Christie’s sponsors in a close race. It is also still possible that he could have been involved in an unsolved murder in 1997, but no incriminating evidence has surfaced so far.