The MQ Volume 24 Issue 5 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

Sometimes I think all I want to find is a mean guy and make him be nice to me. Or maybe a nice guy who’s a little bit mean to me. But they’re usually too nice too soon or too mean too long.

- Kim Jong-un

Chock full of GMOs

March 14, 2018

Volume XXIV Issue V

U.S. Children Secede, Form Gun-Free Country

In This issue Confused woman drives into eighth floor of geisel

Trump Administration Scandal-Free for 13.5 Hours

the Mq’s magic regents shuttle adventure

6,7

Investigation Finds Rhode Island is Not an Island Muir College announces new writing sequence

8 11

News in Brief PHOTO By daniel clinton

This day in the history in Kidonia would later be known as “the shots not heard around the world.” By Summer Davis

Staff Writer

his month, former U.S. citizens under the age of 18 established a gun-free country called Kidonia in response to decades of inaction over school shootings. “We couldn’t vote in the

U.S., but we were getting tired of living in a country where children are shot in schools,” said fifth-grade student and Kidonian Press Secretary Arthur Chen. “So we were just like, ‘Why don’t we make our own country?’ And then we won’t be shot while we’re

“It’s weird how quickly it worked,” Secretary Chen continued. “None of my friends have been shot yet, so it seems like when you get rid of guns, fewer people are shot with guns.”

reading books and stuff.” The idea for Kidonia started in a Facebook group founded by people who had been at a school when a shooting happened. The plan was trending in record time as there were 150,000 teenagers in the group.

See Secession, page 2

Chick-fil-A Launches New Campaign of Human Sacrifice, Profits Remain Unchanged

Busy Student Forced to Schedule Mental Breakdowns After crying for five hours straight, ERC student Josie Lilian made the lifechanging decision to add mental breakdowns to her already busy schedule. “As a student who’s taking 20 units and is involved in four clubs, I need to be on my A-game every day,” Lillian stated proudly. “But all that stress really takes a toll on me from time to time, so I find that I’m in-between complete apathy most days and crippling depression the next. Sometimes, it’ll even alternate from hour to hour! Those days are fun,” Lillian added with a thousand-yard stare. Following Lilian’s seemingly improved mood, other

students have started to follow suit. “Honestly, after scheduling time to punch my pillow and scream in agony, I feel like my life is together,” said Jack Morset, a second-year Muir student. “I mean, I know that it’s not, but it feels like it is, you know? Right? Please tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m doing something right in my life for once.” Since implementing her new strategy, Lillian has disavowed CAPS and a healthy lifestyle entirely. “Who needs sleep? Anything’s possible when you don’t give a shit!” Lilian shouted with bloodshot eyes and a laugh that struck fear into onlookers.

Bottomless Pit Found Not To Be Bottomless

“Can I get a number three, a small fry, and a large human sacrifice?” asked one Chick-fil-A customer. By Hannah Lykins

Managing Editor n what many consumers considered a distasteful choice, Chick-fil-A has recently launched a new campaign: for every 100 chicken sandwiches sold, the company will donate $1 to Sodom and Eve, an organization dedicated to “freeing the planet of infertile women.” “We at Chick-fil-A know that our customers believe in wholesome, all-American values. That’s why we have decided to continue our tradition of giving back by supporting Sodom and Eve, a charity that we think will really revolutionize the country,” said Dan T. Cathy, CEO of Chick-fil-A. “This addition will add to a list of already amazing organizations we support, such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Focus on the Family, and the Salvation Army.”

The Chick-fil-A chain has often been criticized for its support of anti-LGBT and other discriminatory organizations. Sodom and Eve continues along a similar trend as an organization that stands to “achieve a wholesome society through eliminating non-childbearing Americans.” Though controversial, the group garnered support from Chick-fil-A whose mission statement reads: “We stand for traditional Christian values, populating America with God’s children, and good chicken.” The decision to partner with Sodom and Eve has accumulated criticism from many consumers who claimed that “delicious meat isn’t worth the murder.” However, long-time customers of the chain have not let the decision stop their purchasing habits. “Honestly, I just like their

Area barista tries new tea recipe Is promptly fired from Starbucks

chicken too much to stop going,” said Donovan Fronte, a local supporter of the restaurant. “I’m not sexist or homophobic or anything, so I definitely don’t support those weird groups. But then I realized: I’m a cis straight man, so this doesn’t really affect me. Even though Chick-fil-A supports killing women, I still can’t make myself care. Maybe if they were taking away my guns or my dipping sauces ... ” Other customers supported the campaign, citing the company’s adherence to “wholesome values.” As of Monday, small groups of customers have taken to standing outside of their city’s restaurants, advocating for the campaign. “I, for one, endorse this new campaign, and I’m glad that there’s at least one company I can count on to support my viewpoints. I honestly

PHOTO By jessica ma

don’t care about their food, but I’ll keep paying money to stick it to those overly-sensitive snowflakes. Also, I’m pretty sure those women deserved to die — women are just here to be mothers, and they aren’t doing that. And that’s just unAmerican,” said Tom Maginer, a frequent customer rallying in front of his local store. In spite of a mixed response, Chick-fil-A has already begun planning their next campaign: for every 50 frozen lemonades purchased, the company will sponsor the euthanasia of one dog or cat in a shelter. “Alright, now they’ve crossed a line. Gay people, whatever. Women, who cares. But cute puppies and kitties? That’s just too far,” said one former Chick-fil-A customer. “I like to consider myself a real animal lover.”

Local bank burglarized Man convicted of melony

A small pebble was tossed into a large, seemingly bottomless pit early last week by third grade student Darius Macondo. The pebble has reportedly not yet reached the bottom with no sounds or splashes heard. Darius was hoping that an eventual pitter or a muffled pater would give him some comfort in the universe and resolve the whole matter, but no such sound emerged. He recruited more students who listened in shifts for a plop or a splish, but none came back to class aghast when they failed to sense a semblance of sound. As days turned to almost a week and spirits turned meek, this small group of kids felt themselves falling

further and tumbling longer down the pit, upturning supposed physical constraints. Their aim was modest and their intentions pure, but they quickly got caught in the mysterious lure of a forever falling piece of rock. They became more obsessive. Their parents claimed they were regressive, and they hoped that an echoing sound would put the experiment to rest. They tried their best to forget and continue, but they couldn’t pursue anything quite as divine. When finally, at press time, Darius peered over the pit, trying to get closer to hear the rock hit, he jumped back in wonder as he heard from way down there a definite, finite plop.

Research Shows Your Childhood Bullies Were Right New research released by the Psychological and Brain Science department at SDSU has revealed that your childhood bullies were right. The study conducted by Alex Bullebak followed students from early elementary school into adulthood, tracking how the study participants deviated or fulfilled the insults thrown at them by their bullies. The study concluded that your childhood bullies were extremely effective at finding your flaws. Per example cited by Bullebak, one participant, given the pseudonym “Student A,” in fourth grade was called a “lazy stupid-head” by another student in the grade

above them. During a follow up on the study, Student A revealed that they procrastinated in college and had failed at least two classes because they were too challenging. Bullebark commented on this by writing, “As you can see, Student A was called stupid and lazy in elementary school, and this attribute was detected later in life. The bully was 100 percent effective in detecting Student A’s flaws.” Bullebak believes that his research is groundbreaking and hopes that more funding is given to detecting how much of a fucking failure you will be later in life.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

March 14, 2018

Elon Musk Unveils All-Electric Attack Helicopter

Musk later found the Air Force trying to siphon electricity out of his smart car. By Quoc Tran Staff Writer

ollowing the success of the Roadsters, Tesla’s line of all-electric luxury cars, Tesla CEO and co-founder Elon Musk announced on Thursday the company’s “logical next step” to become a military contractor with a prototype of an all-electric attack helicopters. These helicopters, called Airsters, feature a sleek, futuristic design and compatibility with current standards for electric vehicle charging ports. While only one actual prototype of this helicopter exists, online communities have been raving about it, calling it the “helicopter of the future.” Tesla’s all-electric attack helicopters are made of an aluminum unibody and come in a variety of bright eye-catching colors, from the classic cherry red to a new neon yellow, though a highly-anticipated camouflage-pattern option has yet

to be seen in public showings. The Airster also has no protrusions that are normally used to attack helicopters and hold other weapons. When questioned about this potential design shortcoming during his presentation, Musk only replied with an incomprehensible string of buzzwords, including “clean energy,” “industry-disrupting,” and “maximizing efficiency” which had the audience nodding in agreement. The general sentiment was very positive and very much in favor of the Tesla Airster. Dave Woodbury, a Silicon Valley software engineer, said, “Elon Musk has done it once again. I can’t wait to preorder the new Tesla Airster. I think it’ll be a great addition to the family garage.” Others around him nodded in agreement and started shoving wads of cash into Musk’s face. The Tesla Airster is currently in the final stages of design and is expected to go into production by the summer of 2018 with preorders currently available on their website.

However, due to the limited production of the Airster, there is an extensive waitlist for the electric attack helicopter. In a press conference, General David Goldfein, Chief of Staff of the United States Air Force, stated, “I’m kinda low on the waitlist, but I was hoping to snag a few hundred for the force. So if Elon Musk is out there listening, bump me up a few spots.” Goldfein then proceeded to very deliberately wink at the camera. Like his push for cleaner sources of energy with his Tesla vehicles and the push for interplanetary exploration with SpaceX, Musk aims to revolutionize the industry of war with the Tesla Airster. In his own words, “The Tesla Airster will pave the way for clean warfare. Right now, our attack helicopters, bombers, tanks, aircraft carriers, and other military vehicles are burning huge amounts of gasoline, releasing carbon dioxide into our atmosphere, and killing our planet.” Elon Musk hopes his helicopter will allow for

PHOTO By Jessica Ma

what he calls “clean warfare” and that future wars will be carbon neutral. To further his vision of carbon neutral wars, Musk hinted at a possibility of solar-powered tanks, wind-powered battleships, and a nuclear-powered nuclear missile in the near future. Many are excited about the possibility of clean warfare. Woodbury reflected on the concept of carbonneutral warfare after the press conference. “I’ve always been both a pacifist and an environmentalist, but I’m more of an environmentalist than a pacifist. So I’m alright with killing people as long as we’re not killing the planet,” stated Woodbury. “And those free ‘I love clean warfare and Elon Musk’ t-shirts I got didn’t hurt either.” During the second half of the presentation, Musk stopped answering questions and shot said t-shirts out of a t-shirt cannon while dancers in the background chanted “clean warfare” to the audience’s delight.

continued from page 1: The framers of Kidonia’s Constitution used what they learned as U.S. citizens to draft a set of laws they believe will lead to a less violent country. Only the top students from history and writing classes were allowed to participate in writing the new nation’s laws. “There’s no Second Amendment,” said two-time winner of the Student of the Month award in Mr. McGill’s American History class and newly-elected president of Kidonia, Rosa Gutierrez. “Literally. It goes from the First Amendment straight to the Third Amendment. We’re not dealing with that.” Another change from the U.S. Constitution is that voting rights are granted to any Kidonian who is affected by the laws their politicians enact. Under this rule, 100 percent of the country is eligible to vote. “The problem in the U.S. is that it’s really hard to get politicians to listen to you if you’re a kid because they’re adults, and you can’t vote or donate three million dollars to their campaigns,” said President Gutierrez. “So we fixed that by giving everyone the right to vote and also by banning adults. It’s in Article I: #EndCorruption.” The ban on adults was the most controversial section of Kidonia’s Constitution as many citizens are now separated from their families. However, President Gutierrez stated,

Secession “The adults had one job and that was keeping us alive. They couldn’t even do that.” “I guess I miss my parents, but I call them all the time,” Secretary Chen said. “If I was dead because someone shot me I wouldn’t be able to do that. Also I can go to bed whenever I want now.” Kidonia will face their first international challenge in dealing with the U.S. — specifically, the influx of Americans fleeing violence that are applying for refugee visas. However, President Gutierrez is unsympathetic to the struggles of the Americans. “If they don’t want guns, Americans should vote in their own country to get rid of them,” she said. “They can fix it themselves. I don’t want them bringing that gun-loving culture past our borders.” President Gutierrez’s 18-year-old sister, Francine, has different opinions on the issue. “I can’t believe that little twerp left me behind. It’s freaking dangerous here. There hasn’t been a school shooting for two days, so I’m getting worried. Like, we live in Texas. They let people carry guns on campus. Whenever someone puts their hand in their pocket, I remember what my old kindergarten teacher taught me: tuck and roll. She’s teaching self defense now since all her students emigrated.”

Bob Ross ain’t got shit on us

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

Editor-in-Chief...................Hannah Rosenblatt Managing Editor.........................Daniel Clinton Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Content Editor.............................Sage Cristal Content Editor....................................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.........Dan Kaliblotzky Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Assistant Design Editor....Sophia Landaverde Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma

Assistant Graphics Editor...Stephen Lightfoot

Copy Editor.................................Rhys Shriver

Assistant Copy Editor........Samantha Cane Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon

Social/Publicity Ottoman..Mishelle Arakelian Distribution Captain...................Chris Doherty Distribution Lieutenant...David Vereau Gorbitz Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee Foreign Correspondent...............Alex Vollhardt MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jaz Twersky Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

What we lack in flexibility, we make up for in moxie.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2018 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I have been attempting for the past four issues to express the level of kinship and admiration I feel towards members of this org, but I don’t think I’ve even come close to accurately describing it. Whenever I try to envision this org, an amalgam of moments of laughter pride and really random occurrences come to mind that definitely all won’t fit in this tiny box. I think that one of the better ways to describe it would be to say that I should really be feeling terrible right now. It’s approaching 1am, and I am incredibly sleep deprived, facing an absurd amount of work I’ve been putting off until next week, and have eaten nothing but overly sweetened/salted foods that are definitely not ideal for my health for the past four days. However, instead, I feel utterly content and at home. I’m eating some warm chocolate chip pancakes cooked by Matt, and drinking some apple cider bought by Danaging on a whim. I’m watching teams content and design come up with teaser headlines while pausing occasionally to sing and dance to early 2000’s songs playing in the background (currently, it’s a mix of voguing and hip-swinging to “If I Were A Rich Girl”). I still giggle every time I think of the jokes accompanying a weird watermelon man picture everyone in the content room came up with. On top of that, I’m surrounded by previous drafts of pages and spreads for this next issue, riddled with various grammar edits, added jokes, and newly made graphics. I think this is the point in the year where my building nostalgia starts to show. I can’t help but notice that these notes are getting considerably longer, which I’m pretty sure is a subconscious attempt to draw out these moments in time for as long as possible and hang onto the memories created here. Saying that it’s been a pleasure working with you all is a gross understatement, so hopefully I’ll be able to come up with a more eloquent/descriptive way to put this before the year is over. But for now, I can just say until next time.

Rachel Berge Isaac Canada Daniel Chit Ethan Coston Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz Daniel Eliyahu Amin Fozi Levi Friley Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski Cole Greenbaun Katie Hallsten

Tiffany Hamilton Andres HernandezCosme Jade Hookham Ikran Ibrahim Samprith Kalakata Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Sam Leaman Chris Lee Nicholas Martin Rene Mejia Brandon Moguel

Natalie Moy Sara Masud Sahil Nayyar Natalia Nenn Annie Nguyen Elizabeth Niculescu Tez Padhee Laura Pedrosa Aniyah Pleasant Kavita Poduri Tanner Prater Rohan Rangray Catri Robertson

Aaron Rohozinski Pilan Scruggs Parth Sean Declan Sullivan Angelica Sun Jasmine Terhall Quoc Tran Sarah Wernher Jared Williams Michael Ye Ricky Zhao Steven Zhou

Booster Club Thank you Mishelle, Rhys, Isaac, Dswizzle, Stephen, Sophia, David, and Jessica for your generous dining “dollars.” Thanks for being our soccer mom Chris, and thanks for the drinks Isaac. Thanks for buying us soup Jay. Thanks Matt and Jessica for the slime. And thanks Matt for the pancakes. Thanks if you gave stuff and I forgot to mention you. Just remember that you made a difference in a college student’s stomach.

theMQ.org

March 14, 2018

Local Astrologists Find Geminis To Be More Dangerous Than Previously Thought

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

These Geminis are well known among their community for having tattoos for every other Gemini they killed while in the ring. By Sage Cristal and Samantha Cane

Content Editor and Assistant Copy Editor ate last week, local Astrologist Tammy Cusp completed her life’s work when she published a report documenting the findings of her research concluding that Geminis are more dangerous than the pseudo-scientific community previously thought. Cusp told reporters she contacted other star readers in their annual meeting of astrologists called Star Keepers And Mavens (SKAM) to update their star charts for the following year. The results shocked the group of pseudo-scientists after they pieced together what Cusp describes as the “most devastating discovery since we found Jupiter’s secret seventeenth moon.” Cusp continued, “On a

normal day, Geminis are seen as your average two-faced person, but on the fifth day of the third week of the sixth month of the second millennium, Geminis will undergo heightened transformations of extreme aggression and violent tendencies than we ever thought possible.” When asked about the anticipated day, a Gemini told reporters, “I’ve been trying to curb my anger for a while now, but I can’t imagine the type of monster I will become once the astrologists’ prediction comes true,” the Gemini paused for a second before saying, “Being a Gemini also means I’m a big flirt, so I’m kind of looking forward to being like Uma Thurman in ‘Kill Bill’ or Imperator Furiosa in ‘Mad Max.’ I’m gonna be kicking ass, taking names, and trying to manage my

shy predisposition. It’ll be a challenge, but my horoscope today said I should welcome new challenges.” According to Cusp, the reason behind the extreme behavioral change is due to a confounding reversal in Mercury’s retrograde. Coined by Cusp, “reverse retrograde” is the act of a planet no longer appearing to be moving backwards regardless of Earth’s position around the sun in relation to said planet. Despite opposition from international astronomists, Cusp argues that “Mercury isn’t moving forward, it’s moving in the opposite direction of backwards!” Another Gemini commented, “This report is so vague. According to the research, this change can take effect any time between now and the year 3000.” When asked if they had be-

gun to feel the effects of the change, the Gemini said, “I mean, when I went to the DMV last year I didn’t care about the long lines, but I got really impatient when I went yesterday. Also, my mail came three hours late today. What’s with that?” As of last night, Cusp told reporters that she anticipates holding a press conference in the near future when she will announce a second prediction that she claimed to be “even more concerning than the Gemini thing.” When asked for specific details on the prediction, Cusp said, “It’s probably going to be about Pisces. Or Scorpios. Or maybe Cancers. I’m not sure yet, but you all will be scared out of your minds. Just wait and see.”

Confused Woman Accidentally Drives to Eighth Floor of Geisel Library

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POINT

I Am an Ideal Mate By Human Male Raised by Wolves

ost of my attempts to contact to you have failed, so I am resorting to something that – based on the emails of yours I looked through – you are supposed to like: a long piece of text expressing emotional needs (or however else you define your “Tom is Feeling Sick Today and Will Be Absent from Class” email). I have decided that you and I are perfect partners to create genetically superior offspring. From childhood, I have tested each and every human capability of mine, be it physical, cognitive, or trained. It is therefore my informed conclusion that I am the ideal mate for any fertile female. Beyond a fatal allergy to mosquitoes, my genetics are perfect to create offspring that I can train to seek a mating partner, find sufficient food for themselves in the wild, and fend off wolves. However, you seem to have rejected my advances up to this point. This part of your society is beyond my com-

prehension, as it requires too many frivolous rituals I cannot see being helpful for survival. I was even thoughtful enough to get you a condom, the purpose of which still defies me. I could understand a need to practice intercourse for more effective insemination, but this accessory seems completely counterintuitive. When I appeared naked on your doorstep, you did not seem to be prepared for intercourse. For this, I apologize, but I do encourage you to control your feminine bodily functions somewhat better. I will be back when you are more fertile.

COUNTERPOINT

I Am an Uninterested Lesbian By Deirdre Watson Lesbian

kay, listen, dude. It was one thing when you sent me an email titled “I cordially invite you to a night of coitus” explaining how nice you were to get me a condom, but when you managed to find the sperm donor of my son and sent me a list of all illnesses he has or is at risk for, I think there’s a line of legality you’re crossing. I am happily married, and to a woman. I don’t expect you to understand what functional human relationships past the Stone Age are like, so let me put it in easier terms for you: my “mate” also has a vagina and a uterus, and most of our sexual exploits don’t involve filling them with offspring. Is that clearer? Now, can you take your watchman off duty at my son’s preschool, can you stop following me into

church just to make faces at the sermon on marriage, and can you PLEASE stop stalking me at Safeway and scoffing whenever I buy something that isn’t organic? You have no right to act this way around a married woman – or any woman ever – especially one who shops at a Safeway that doesn’t sell organic peanut butter.

TOP Fifteen Things You’ll Blame on the Aliens

PHOTO By Hannah rosenblatt

Rather than paying to remove the car from Geisel, university officials added the car to the Stuart Art Collection and named it “Falling Car.” By Andres HernandezCosme

Staff Writer his past Tuesday, construction workers entering the eighth floor of Geisel Library received a shock upon finding a red 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier sedan amongst the bookshelves. Upon further investigation, the driver, who was still in the car, was found to be 70-year-old Gladys Fairchild who explained that she had gotten lost on her way to Sixth College. However, after the construction workers attempted to explain what happened, Fairchild refused to move, stating that she “could figure it out herself.” “We really did try to help her out,” reported Paul

Arias, one of the construction workers. “I mean, we were doing our best to try and figure out how to get her car down to the second floor, but Gladys was finding even that confusing.” “Why is it not called the ‘first floor’ if it’s the ‘ground floor’?” Fairchild shouted at reporters. “When I was young, we called the ground floor the first floor! Your ‘first floor’ is nothing more than a fancy basement!” Though reporters explained they were not responsible for the naming conventions of Geisel, Fairchild ignored them and started complaining about various other things they had no control over, such as the

quality of food in Price Center and “the giant slug monster that may or may not be lurking in the back of Roots.” “She just belted out complaint after complaint and shot down any sort of attempt at actual assistance,” Arias explained. “Reporters, including some of my coworkers – even a random librarian who just wanted to know what was happening – complained to all of them. I think my site manager was curled up into a ball and crying.” Once Fairchild stopped shouting at people, complaining about a sore throat, she attempted to drive her way out of Geisel, heading in the opposite direction of where the elevator and stairs

were while knocking over dozens of bookshelves in the process. A team of librarians was called immediately to help organize the books that had fallen from the shelves. “I’ve never seen such a gruesome sight,” explained Marietta Leer, one of the librarians involved in the incident, “There were books everywhere, some even had their jackets ripped; there were tire tracks all over the floor … it was like something out of a horror movie.” At press time, Fairchild was still on the top floor of Geisel, refusing help from anyone. As such, the construction in Geisel has been delayed for another two quarters while the impasse is sorted out.

15. The First and the Third Crusades, but not the Second one 14. The reason why The Big Bang Theory is still running 13. The disappearance of your neighbor’s cat 12. Push doors that look like pull doors 11. All of the things you previously blamed on your clone before they died tragically 10. Giraffes 9. Your second, third, and fifth existential crises 8. Global warming 7. That one time you were able to put both pant legs on at the same time 6. The people living inside Mount Rushmore 5. Crop circles 4. Not being the first to initiate contact with us 3. The brief ceasefire that lasted seven minutes during The Battle the Bulge 2. Your dad not coming back 1. The chilling sensation of 5 Gum

Page 4

theMQ.org

March 14, 2018

Fountain of Youth Revealed To Be Forever 21

Local 34-Year-Old Couch Potato Decides To Take Up Snowboarding

PHOTO By dan kaliblotzky

After falling once, Eaton McDonald packed up his snowboarding gear and decided to try again next year. By Steven Zhou PHOTO By jessica ma

As he crawled towards the Fountain of Youth, Douglas Amsterdam looked forward to the nifty fashion and crippling debt he would experience. Declan Sullivan Staff Writer

he Forever 21 in the La Jolla University Town Center was recently discovered by locals to be the coveted Fountain of Youth. The regional manager, Cheryl Sanders, expressed her happiness, saying, “Sales have been booming and I’m finally going to be able to take my kids to look at the exterior of Disneyland.” Customers, such as student Gabriel Chambers, have begun to shop exclusively at the department store, and they reported that “my mental health has never been better, and until the end of the month when my credit card bill is due, it will stay that way.” Studies showed that the longer an individual stayed inside the store, the younger they got, with the youngest reversion being 21 years of age. It was unknown what

would occur if a person younger than 21 entered before March 9, until local father Richard Skip accidentally let his four-year-old run inside. “He was my little boy when he went in,” Skip recounted. “And when he came out five minutes later he was a 21-year-old deadbeat.” One 68-year-old man, Douglas Amsterdam, entered the store to decrease his age. “When he came back outside he was 25 and had a strange craving for avocado toast,” reported Douglas’s wife, Zoe Amsterdam. Douglas was then recorded three hours later in a Starbucks screaming at the patrons, telling them, “Your taste in coffee is terrible! You should all go to your local coffee shops and not support this corporate greed,” before reportedly crossing the street to go thrift loudly. Inspired by Douglas, many other elderly members of the La Jolla community began to follow suit, decreasing

their age in the superstore. One patron, Nancy Petersen, expressed her regret at the decision: “I was retired with a paid-off home, waiting to die, but now I have to go back to work to support myself.” Others in similar situations joined in, including Gordon Donalds, who stated, “My neighborhood is way too expensive for me to live in now that I’ve lost my pension, and I’ve been searching for a job but apparently you need this new fangled thing called a ‘degree’?” Many grandchildren of those who utilized Forever 21’s healing abilities also believed that their grandparents were beginning to get stressed out because of their decisions. “Gramps went in, came out young, and then had to move out of his home after his job fired him and voided his healthcare agreement. Apparently, being young was a pre-existing condition,” reported Bennett

Dalton. “He also just got a med card so he can relieve his stress with ‘herbs,’ and seems to be changing his stance on it. He’s also having trouble finding a new home, seeing as the housing market is so expensive, so he’s crashing on my couch until he can get back on his feet.” News of the Fountain’s discovery spread nationwide, motivating seniors across the country to make the pilgrimage to La Jolla. As a result, the elderly demographic disappeared almost entirely in a matter of weeks, causing a major shift in the policy direction of Congress. “I have the right to smoke wherever I please and earn a livable wage without a degree!” shouted protesters from outside the Capitol, many of which having ridiculed their grandchildren for demanding the same only one month prior.

Steve’s Guide to the Best Things to Lick on Campus Welcome to UCSD! While wandering around our wonderful campus, I compiled a list of must-lick spots on campus. Using my three years of licking experience, I’ve found the three places that you would be in remorse to miss. If you want to recommend me any spots I missed, you can call me at (760)580-2666. Now get to licking!

Be sure to check out PC for some finger-licking fun

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a library by its taste

Tip from a professional: never lick the seat

Staff Writer

ollowing the 2018 Winter Olympics medal ceremony in which American teenagers Chloe Kim and Red Gerard earned gold medals in snowboarding, average couch potato Eaton McDonald announced his plan to train for the 2022 Winter Olympics. “I’m not in shape right now,” he shared before taking a sip from his Double Gulp, “But give me three months and I’ll be fit enough to win a medal in one of the easier snowboarding styles.” A Southern California native, McDonald has never gone snowboarding, nor has he ever seen snow. Nevertheless, he recalled fond childhood memories of playing in fake snow on his neighborhood streets once every December, courtesy of his parents’ HOA fees. During the interview, McDonald reminisced about running around in snow for 30 minutes before succumbing to the brisk, 65 degree weather and retreating back into his heated residence to play his video games. “I feel like those brief moments over the years planted the seeds of my interest in snowboarding. It’s definitely not because I feel in any way insecure by the two twerps who won the gold at half my age, or that I feel like a lazy piece of crap after watching the athletic prowess of people all around the world.” When probed for elaboration, McDonald did not comment and averted his attention back to rewatching every episode of Friends on Netflix. Some are optimistic about McDonald’s sudden decision to train for the Olympics. Facebook sources reveal that subsequently after his global reveal to enter the 2022 Winter Olympics, his great aunt, Lacy Mofo, and his grandfather,

Morris “Mo” McDonald, gave his comment a thumbs-up reaction while many of his other family members also gave him a “Wow” reaction. The majority of his peers, however, were negative in their responses and felt inclined to give the “Laughing” reaction. “This happens every two years,” a friend of McDonald informed reporters. “I’ll give him about three days before he stops eating healthy and exercising.” When asked how McDonald planned to train for snowboarding despite the unfavorable conditions of snow in his hometown, Anaheim, his friend cut the reporter short: “Here’s the thing, it’s not gonna happen. Eaton’s at Dick’s Sporting Goods getting his winter gear, but that’s just gonna get thrown into his closet — just like his archer bow. Honestly, he might as well spend that money on himself for some nice clothes, videogames, or whatever.” McDonald is well aware of the public backlash against his announcement. Not one to quit, he remains unwavering in his drive to qualify for the 2022 Winter Olympics. He has already posted numerous Instagram photos of himself walking, captioning: “Gotta burn off extra calories before I can start leaping on a snowboard!” and “Cheat day, even Olympians eat KFC every now and then, right?” Most recently, McDonald tweeted: “H8rs gonna h8 cuz dey don’t sk8.” In his closing statement, McDonald shared with reporters, “I hope to be a role model to all children in this country. Fitness is always achievable when you are inspired by teenage olympians who are, arguably, more successful in life than you’ll ever be. That being said, stop blocking the TV, I’m trying to watch Narcos.”

The San Diego PhilharMQnic

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March 14, 2018

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Trump Administration Scandal-Free for 13.5 Hours

UC San Diego Offering New Bachelor of Memes Program

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

“And as you can see, the picture is much funnier when you replace the college student with the dog,” said the professor.

By Rhys Shriver

Copy Editor

resident Trump has caused many quarrels among the people of the United States about the frequency with which he has created controversies over the course of his presidency. However, reports of people being shocked across the nation have arisen as the Trump administration hasn’t done anything noteworthy in the past 13.5 hours. Self-identified Democratic voter Erik Klasborne commented, “I’ve come to the point in my life where when I don’t hear news about Sessions dropping 12 racial slurs in a Wendy’s parking lot or about how Trump accidentally called the US the USSR, I assume that it’s already time for nuclear

winter. For some reason, it’s suddenly popular for the president to tweet his opinion on every goddamn thing, and it’s even more popular for MSNBC and FOX to report on this crap on the daily.” As the 14th hour approaches, reporters have been holding their breath as they wait for the administration to blow up and do something that they can report on. NBC reporter Vincent Everest said, “Listen, as much as I hate the guy, I need him to do some dumb shit. NBC has hired about 52 extra interns to cover all the news that keeps flooding out, and to compensate, we’re only getting paid per story. It’s been a slaughterfest, every reporter is so bloodthirsty to get the

Isaac Canada

PHOTO By ethan coston

Not pictured: Hard-hitting journalism. details on the next story.” Everest concluded the interview, whispering, “I actually saw someone die out there.” Despite the stations’ hunger for news, most citizens have been ecstatic on social media over this lack of blatant lies, broken laws, and infuriating tweets. Twitter personality Kayla Andrews tweeted: “I almost forgot that presidents don’t usually tweet out accusations or complaints every hour. smh yall gotta stop being used to this. I’m not necessarily saying a revolution is the answer, but as the French said, ‘When in France, guillotine as the French guillotined.’” Andrews ended her statement with a ‘Winky Face’ emoji. Just as people and politicians began to relax during

this short scandal-free period, Trump allegedly released a statement that read, “I can’t believe Obama started the Great Depression! How sad. Nobody’s talking about this.” Reporters went wild trying to ask Trump and his administration about the new statement, stampeding into the White House briefing room and firing off countless questions, such as “Did Obama really start the Great Depression,” “Does Trump genuinely believe this statement,” and “Is it too late to go back and get a job that matters?” In response to the scandal after the very short breathing time, Andrews reportedly tweeted: “God fucking dammit.”

Obsessive Anime Fan Claims Waifu as Dependent, Goes Unnoticed by IRS

Staff Writer

ext year, UC San Diego plans to graduate its first class in the Bachelor of Memes (BM) program. The program is an interdisciplinary program between the departments of History, Anthropology, and Music, and it has help from the San Diego Supercomputer Center. Junior Sixth College student David Morales, the first student to sign up for the major, was happy with the announcement, saying “I just really like how the classes give me an excuse to look at memes and call it studying. It’s what I do anyway, so I might as well make something out of it. Plus I can use some of the classes for these stupid GEs.” Morales continued, “The lectures are in the nicer buildings too. Not that hole in the ground filled with backed up toilets they call York.” According to the department, the Bachelor of Memes requires completion of the lower division four-course sequence, “General Memes,” along with the courses “Introduction to Western Memes” and “Introduction to East-Asian Memes.” Upper division students specialize in a “Subculture of Concentration” program, offering “intense instruction, discussion, and research in the memes of a specific subculture.” Chancellor Khosla, after attending the seminar course called “Apathy in Memes,” explained, “Initially, I had reservations about whether the new program would enhance UC San Diego’s research repu-

tation. However, after supporting students in a discussion about various ways apathy can be expressed in urban life memes, such as missing an exit or a train or trying to find a parking space on a busy day, I am confident graduates will be able to take their skills into the workforce and research fields that will improve everyday life for everyone.” Khosla went on to explain how the university would maintain regular email contact with the students after they graduate, hoping to gauge the success of the new degree program and fundraising campaign. Khosla told reporters, “I really want to see these kids graduate and succeed in whatever they choose to do. Whether it be curing cancer, teaching high school, or shoveling horseshit at parades, UCSD students will thrive.” Facing criticism that the degree program may be, as one student described as “not worth the paper the degree is printed on,” the department responded, “Graduates can find employment with their degree in a variety of fields, including journalism, activism and outreach, academia, and business.” Asked to provide a single business that employed more than four meme experts, the department directed people with questions to the Career Center, explaining that “the study of memes is critical to the development and modernization of an integrated society,” and “UC San Diego supports the academic endeavours of its students and faculty in this critical field.”

TOP Ten

Similarities Between Earning a Bachelor’s Degree and Being on “The Bachelor” PHOTO By daniel clinton

“Yes, I think that she would definitely be classified as a dependent,” watanabe-chann told reporters, “She basically needs me to stand upright.” By Pilan Scruggs

Staff Writer

ecently, a post from Reddit has gone viral in which a man tells the story of how he claimed his “waifu” – Asuna Yuuki from Sword Art Online – as a dependent on his 2015 and 2016 tax returns and went undetected by the IRS. The man, who goes by the username “watanabe-chann” on Reddit, asked to remain anonymous for security purposes. He also refused to reveal his face, instead opting to hide himself behind his body pillow throughout the interview. “I’ve been a fan of Sword Art Online for ages, and two years ago when I was rewatching Sword Art Online II for the 34th time, I just randomly had the idea,” explained watanabe-chann. “I was scared at first to try it, but when I reminded myself which government I was dealing with, all my fears went straight out the window. The only really fright-

ening part was applying for an ITIN for my Asuna pillow. I figured that if I could pull that off, then claiming her as a dependent would be no problem. And look where we are now.” Watanabe-chann continued, saying that for weeks after he mailed in his returns, he was living in a constant fear of an IRS agent showing up at his door to confront him. “I would wake up every morning sweating, wondering whether or not I had done the right thing,” watanabe-chann explained. “But whenever I had any doubts, I would just remind myself that I was doing it for Asuna. I love her and she means the world to me, and I wasn’t going to let anything interfere with that. I think October was when I finally stopped waking up shaking. “I thought I had just gotten lucky, but as the next filing period approached I considered doing it again. Eventually I was just like, ‘whatever happens,

happens.’ I went and claimed her as a dependent again, and once again got no sign that the IRS even remotely noticed. It really says something about the people working there.” Most of the comments on his post came from users applauding his actions or asking him for advice on how they could follow his lead. However, some negative comments arose reprimanding not his actions, but his choice of waifu. “Of all of the characters you could have chosen,” said user b.grayman, “you picked Asuna??!?!? You have no taste, and for that I hope you get caught. At least pick Yuno Gasai or Lucy from Elfen Lied. If your waifu isn’t a yandere you’re doing something wrong” B.Grayman’s remark sparked a “waifu war” with over 400 users replying, and the page quickly spiralled out of control. Eventually, a moderator tried to contain the ar-

guments, but to no avail. “I’m just doing this because I have to, and it’s not that I like r/anime or anything,” read the official moderator post. “And for what it’s worth, Sugu’s far better of a person than Asuna will ever be.” “I never meant to start such horrible arguments, but to be honest I couldn’t care less what b.grayman or anyone else thinks about me,” watanabe-chann said, sighing. “We should all get along, and I would love to help others out so that they can claim their waifus and husbandos on their returns for this period.” Watanabe-chann said that he has already submitted his 2017 returns, claiming Asuna Yuuki as his dependent once again. In response, David Kautter, acting commissioner of the IRS, declined to comment on the situation due to reportedly being in the middle of bingewatching Sailor Moon.

10. It has completely ruined your dating life 9. You just did this to impress your distant mother 8. You did four years in college for this bullshit 7. You’re mainly in it for the drama 6. You live in a house with 20 other girls 5. You failed the written exam 4. You went home on the first day 3. Some old dude is making a lot of money off of you 2. You got upstaged by a 5’11 blonde named Jennifer 1. You thought you’d be having way more sex than this It IS what you think it is

THE MQ

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The MQ’s Magic R It’s time to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy as we follow UCSD professor Ms. Frazzled and the Magic Regents Shuttle on another wacky learning adventure! Today’s journey takes us through the brain of your local congressman. Get ready to learn more than you ever wanted to about the wonderful people who live in the Greatest Country on Earth™. Seatbelts, everyone!

Our Adventurers Carlos Ramon When we went inside the brain at first, I got a bit NERVE-ous! But after we spent some time inside, I learned to LOBE it! Ms. Frazzled was NEURON top of her facts which she said BRAIN STEM-med from her CORTEX-tbook! All in all, the adventure was SENSE-ational!

Arnold Perlstein Once I heard Ms. Frazzled was taking us inside the brain of a congressman, I felt sick to my stomach! When we first found the closet full of real-life skeletons, I immediately knew that I should have stayed home that day, or at least, I should have waited for the 201 bus!

Dorothy Ann Rourke

Follow the the B The Bone Zone

At this point in the trip, the shuttle came upon dark closet with real-life skeletons stuffed insid There were at least three skeletons inside, a two carcasses that were actively rotting. Scien is awesome!

When Ms. Frazzled took us inside the brain of a congressman, I thought it was going to look like a normal brain. But upon further inspection, it was riddled with border patrol checkpoints and small abnormal growths! According to my research, those growths were either tumors or small deposits of oil that have gone unmined!

Ralphie Temelli I couldn’t believe we went inside the liver of a congressman! It was a lot more pink and sticky than I imagined it would be! Is it just me, or did that liver look a lot like a chewed up ball of bubblegum? Anyway, I thought I was going to be sick just looking at it!

Arnald Schwarz

When we saw this poster, the students that she had “n looking so good!” She then of the trip looking for the sa azon.com. Wow!

Fun Facts They Learned Studies show that the average person uses only 10 percent of their brain power while the average congressman only uses five percent. Fun Fact: Other animals with the same amount of impulse control as congressmen include orcas and tarantulas! Did You Know … A congressman’s brain contains five times more white matter than the average person’s. Studies show that the average congressman has 50 percent more neuronal growth in areas of the brain involved with monetary reward. Did You Know ... The average congressman can only retain six fun facts at a time.

Fun Fact: This congressman’s brain tasted like Laffy Taffy!

t r a

W st to ti sh o

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Regents Shuttle:

e Children’s Route Through Brain of a Congressman

na de! and nce

“Don’t Go in There Carlos!” Ms. Frazzled said we weren’t allowed to go inside the room labeled “definitely not hookers and blow,” but Carlos went inside and came back two hours later with white powder on his nose and a deep sense of regret. It was crazy!

Politimorph We saw this poor animal struggling to take the form of either a donkey or an elephant. Ms. Frazzled stopped the shuttle to help the creature, but it died from exhuastion soon after spending its entire existence in pain. Cool!

Border Wall

Where We Ran Out of Funds

zenreagan

Ms. Frazzled told never seen Reagan n spent a majority ame poster on am-

During our journey we ran out of money to pay for food, gas, and other necessities. We had to fill out a form requesting more funds, but it took two months to process before we received a letter telling us our request had been denied. Oof!

Seemingly out of nowhere, our shuttle came upon a large wall that blocked the border of the frontal lobe and the parietal lobe! Once we stopped, a border patrol agent boarded our shuttle and started asking everyone to show him our passports. Uh-oh!

Shooting Victims Donation Fund

Weird Dream About Rick Perry’s Abs Spider Eggs that Hatched

While on our adventure, the shuttle got topped by a pile of spider eggs that started o hatch! After the sacs burst, hundreds of iny spiders started to scuttle towards the huttle. Luckily, Ms. Frazzled got everyone out before the tsunami of spiders!

Ms. Frazzled was impressed by Rick Perry’s washboard abs, but she said that there were a suspicious amount of shirtless men in the congressman’s brain, especially since the congressman is openly homophobic. Woah, mama!

It’s good to see that this congressman is saving up! We found three pieces of lint in this jar set aside for donations to shooting victims. Ms. Frazzled then told the students all about the rise of school shootings in America! Golly gee!

d en

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March 14, 2018

Investigation Finds Rhode Island Is Not an Island

Student Unsure How Person Across From Them on the Shuttle Feels About Them

PHOTO By jessica Ma

One student was disappointed when the person sitting across from them only managed to answer “yes” or “no” to all of the small talk questions they prepared. By Isaac Canada Staff Writer

“God, this can’t be right,” said the motorboatist as he consulted his crudely drawn map of Hawaii. By Brandon Moguel

Staff Writer

he state of Rhode Island was once thought to be the fringe belief by conspiracy theorists and rogue cartographers alike, but enough evidence has been leaked online to confirm that the state, known for its tininess and status as one of the thirteen original colonies, is not, and has never been, an island. The story first gained traction after reports surfaced on www.IWantToBelieveThatT h e Tr u t h I s O u t T h e r e B e cause9-11IsAnInsideJobAndAlsoWhoPutTheBombsInTower7?.bz.blogspot which featured maps showing Rhode Island to have land borders. “They call it the Ocean State! I mean can you believe the balls on these crooks?!” shouted Mitch Connor, former special agent from the U.S. Geographical Survey and source of the story.

Connor explained how he made the discovery, saying, “It all started three years ago when my partner told me that him and the wife were gonna drive from D.C. up to Providence during Labor Day weekend to visit his in-laws. I thought nothing of it until I was on my lunch break and remembered cars can’t swim. I realized there was something suspicious about Rhode Island that needed to be looked into. But I knew that the higherups would never sign-off on a potentially damning internal investigation, so I told them I needed access to the archives to conduct the annual 10-50 report. That’s when we check the maps to make sure the states haven’t moved.” Connor claimed to have come across map after map in the archives that depicted Rhode Island with land boundaries between Connecticut and Massachusetts.

A fact that would be in clear violation of USGS code 4696 defining an island as “a kitchen counter that is approachable from all sides.” “I was shocked. I mean, it isn’t even a peninsula; it’s like they didn’t even care.” However, Connor was not willing to blindly put his faith in the lines on a map. “I told the deputy director that I was traveling to Connecticut on an assignment to make sure that the state still exists, but really I was traveling to see if I could confirm the results of my research.” Connor claimed that what he witnessed upon reaching Rhode Island was deeply disturbing, citing that the so-called island met none of requirements for island life. “No one played steel drums, no one listened to Jimmy Buffet, no one sounded like the cinnamon stick from the Apple Jacks commercials,

PHOTO By Dan Kaliblotzky

and no one offered me a spliff. It was like our government didn’t care enough to keep up with its lie.” Confident and supported by enough hard evidence, Connor said he brought the report to his superiors and petitioned that the state be renamed “Rhode Lie-land.” “They laughed and then fired me for gross incompetence. Figures! Those shills are probably all bought and paid for. Luckily, I had prepared for this by placing maps inside my rectum and smuggling them out of the agency one by one for the past 11 months.” Conner said that he’s glad the truth is finally out there, but he cautioned that this could only be the beginning. “If they pulled this off for this long, I shudder to think what the real story is behind the Hawaiian Islands.”

Spot the Difference! Something hasn’t been quite right in the Pleasant Hills Baptist Church, not since the rapture started and affected their town. Can you help the members of the Pleasant Hills congregation spot differences between last Tuesday’s services and their Sunday services post-rapture? See if you can catch all seven differences! Pleasant Hills Baptist Church,

Pleasant Hills Baptist Church,

Tuesday Evening Services

After the Rapture

n anonymous student on the North Campus shuttle going from the Regents Lot to Price Center last Wednesday at 11:13 a.m. reported feeling “unsure” about how the student across from them on the shuttle felt about them after several minutes of prolonged side glances with the shuttle in question featuring seats facing each other down the front. Numerous, similar reports have been taken from students on shuttles including North Campus, Mesa, and South Campus. To date, no similar reports of nigh-human interaction have arisen from the West Campus shuttle. The student reported that they had been looking out the window on the other side of the bus as it traveled down Voigt Drive over Interstate 5. According to the student, they accidentally made eye contact with the person on the other side of the shuttle when they looked up and proceeded to play a game of conversational chicken before ending the awkward exchange by looking back at their phone. Despite this, they had nothing to do on their phone and had not yet received a response from the person they were messaging. Students have also reported reading the same news article repeatedly and going over lecture notes on their phone for the fourth time to avoid any attempt at contact. One student even reported spending a significant portion of their data trying to find random webpages to look at while riding the campus shuttle across from someone whom they had interacted with in a

class last quarter. Several campus shuttle drivers reported that shuttle tensions have been high – people awkwardly looking at each other with both wishing for a reason to approach each other while also wanting to extricate themselves from the situation as quickly as possible. A report funded by the proceeds of parking permits found that on the typical shuttle, this experience happens four to seven times each trip. The report also suggested that the shuttle drivers routinely change routes every quarter to “keep things fresh.” According to reports, the launch of the Spin bike share program was intended as a way to improve solitary campus transportation. While numerous reports have been made of people almost being run over by Spin bikes, there have been no reports of awkward eye contact between individuals. Ultimately, students are being suggested to think ahead and prepare activities that they can do on their phone while waiting on the shuttle. Headphones can also be used to further isolate oneself, but should be accompanied by a visual distraction to help avoid accidentally looking at another rider. Riders are cautioned to avoid sitting next to someone else as being unaware of where the shuttle is on the route may lead to people accidentally bumping into each other when the shuttle breaks, potentially causing further awkward social interaction. An additional option for riders is to stand facing forward through the windshield, but this requires being in the front of the bus to avoid as much potential human interaction as possible.

TOP Ten

Things You’ll Regret Once Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes 10. Your slam poetry phase 9. Those shoes with that top 8. Forgetting whether or not you left the stove on 7. Never getting to see Britney Spears in person 6. Joining the wrong mob 5. Completely failing your liver, so it can’t be donated anymore 4. Thinking this bear was trying to give you a massage with its teeth 3. Never learning to play the didgeridoo 2. That weekend in TJ 1. Jumping off of this cliff 50 percent more absorbent than the leading paper towel brand

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

1. After the rapture, Susie finally got off of this hellhole of a planet 2. During Tuesday’s services, Timmy was clearly wearing a blue shirt. However, after the rapture, his shirt changed to a navy blue color. 3. Pastor Johnson decided to go vegan after the Rapture. 4. The youth group switched the meetings to Wednesdays instead of Thursdays. 5. On Tuesday Services, these pews were made from mahogany. Afterwards, they were made from oak. 6. The rapture gave Josh newfound courage to ask out Davie. Unfortunately, Davie had been raptured. 7. William III was having a better hair day during Tuesday Services. Answers:

March 14, 2018

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Putin Invited into Trump’s Treehouse, but Not in a “Buddy Buddy” Way

EDITORIAL

Watching Drag Race Has Made Me the Best Ally

By Sage Cristal

Content Editor

n February 13, international news publications reported that U.S. troops killed up to 100 Russian fighters after they attacked a U.S. held base in Syria. At the time, reporters also published articles that said the President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, had to approve of the attacks. Now the White House announced that following the confrontation, President Trump is finally ready to meet with Putin about the insurrection. At the press briefing held last night, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters, “The President has done a lot of thinking about how America should respond to Russia’s attack on American forces. It is with this message that Mr. Putin is formally invited to meet President Trump in the latter’s tree house in the White House backyard. He is advised to come tonight at midnight, with no backup, and armed with only a slingshot. The President also seeks to inform Putin that ‘street rules’ are in place for the meeting.” Following this press briefing, many opponents of Trump have come out in opposition of his plans to confront Putin. One CNN anchor commented, “There are far better ways to solve any strain between international allies, and Trump is being childish as always.” A news correspondent at FOX news replied to this comment saying, “I would have to agree that Trump is being childish. We all know he is inviting Putin to bring a slingshot to a gunfight. If I were Putin, I would have at least

By Britney Williams

Straight Ally efore I started watching this show, I had no idea what the gay community was like. I thought it was all those cute boys in high school who always end up being gay and, like, lesbians, I guess. But now, oh honey, I’ve seen so much. Season nine was so sassy and I loved it. I guess not all drag queens are gay, but can you really be that fierce if you’re not gay? All of this makes me wish I had a gay best friend to watch Drag Race with. I just want someone who can sit with me and shout “Yas gurl! Werk!” when a queen serves some hot looks on the runway, or when a queen really starts to turn it out during a sweet lipsync. My favorite thing about Drag Race is all the catty drama that happens almost every episode. If there’s not an argument about how someone’s being a stuck up bitch and keeps being cold, how am I supposed to get callouts? You only gotta stick out for yourself and don’t bother trying to deal with others. It’s a drag-eat-drag world and may the best woman win, right? And you know what else? Screw “bad editing,” clearly if you say something when you’re stressed or under heavy pressure you’re just a bad person! It’s that simple. It’s not like reality shows take completely inane comments out of context to make it seem like prompted advice

PHOTO By daniel eliyahu

“Hey after this do you want to play in my underground bunker?” Putin asked Trump. four guns strapped to my body for this brawl, but he’s probably not familiar with our All-American Second Amendment rights.” There has not been an official update from the White House on the results of Trump’s meeting with Putin last night. However, some members of the press were able to document Trump climbing the ladder to his treehouse at 11:58 with a Nerf gun in his back pocket as well as Putin climbing up the President’s treehouse at

11:59 by jumping from branch to branch with a slingshot in his mouth. An hour later, reporters surveilling the scene found a sign reading “no girls allowed” erected on the White Treehouse. Although reporters have not witnessed Trump and Putin climb down from the ladder, a photograph taken at 5 a.m. shows Putin and Trump playing a card game that the scientific community has classified as either Go Fish, War, or Speed. Following Huckabee

Sanders’s announcement about Trump meeting with Putin, the White House announced that Trump will not leave the tree house until an agreement has been reached, and Putin has agreed to publicly apologize to the troops and their families. Trump clarified this point by tweeting: “Putin isn’t a bad guy. He’s a smart guy. He’ll apologize and never pull a stunt like that again. Believe me. Also, he’s also a mean card player. I hope we can do this again sometime.”

RateMyProfessors Adds New Varieties of Peppers To Its Hotness Rating

seem like hateful words. They definitely don’t inevitably ruin peoples’ lives due to fanbases blowing things wildly out of proportion and end up slandering non-white queens with thinly-veiled racism, so I don’t know why people complain about it all the time. Watching this show has made me the best straight ally now that I know what the community is like. All these queens that come to slay on the runway have shown me how fun the gay community can be and have left me gagged! They’re all so shady and fun, it makes me wish I could be a queen. I went to a drag show at a gay bar, but I ended up leaving ‘cuz a girl bought me a drink and I think she was hitting on me. Like, yikes, can you believe that? I even donated to FCKH8 to show how supportive I can be. But when I started blogging about how much I love my queens and how I never knew that they’re all men, some people got upset. I just don’t get why everyone doesn’t love it, and what’s wrong with being able to clock a queen? Then my trans friend got upset when I compared her to one of the queens on the show. She said something about being a girl and not just performing femininity, or something like that. I don’t get it, shouldn’t she be happy that I think she does as good of a job as these girls? Sometimes I feel like being an ally is the hardest part of the LGBTQA community. We try so hard to be supportive, and some people just don’t appreciate it. I even had someone try to tell me that I don’t get to be part of the community. Don’t they see the A in the acronym for “ally”? I swear, some people are so closed minded. Anyway, I’m so excited to see who makes it to the top in this next season. Until then, all you gurls keep on slaying and stay sick’ning!

TOP ten

Reasons Why Your Interview Didn’t Go Well

PHOTO By jessica ma

In response to the professor’s announcement about the final, one student told reporters, “I’m taking this class ass/no-ass.” By Dan Kaliblotzky

Assistant Content Editor

n Saturday, the popular website RateMyProfessors.com revolutionized its rating process by adding more ranking to its “hotness” rating. Previously signified by the options “Yeah” or “Um, no,” new options now range from ghost pepper, described as “Oh yeah,” to generic ground pepper, described as “Bring a blindfold to class because there’s nothing to see here.” Other options include poblano for “If they pay for dinner,” green bell pepper for “Only if I need a wedding plus one,” and habanero for “Mmmm girl, lemme get a fan because it is hot in here, girl ooh boy.” RateMyProfessors.com describes the new feature as “a resource for students dedicated to their education.” The new feature now appears

in a detailed image of the selected pepper for each review. Tags and number ratings previously at the top of a page for a professor have been replaced with a collage of all peppers used in their reviews and a large chili pepper filled to a point to represent their rating. “This redesign really puts into focus what we want to do with this website,” says MTVU RateMyProfessors representative George Wright. “We had to think critically about what truly contributes to college students’ learning: Fair grading, effective teaching, and fuckable professors.” Some pepper descriptions have been criticized for their differences among professor genders. “I know a sociology professor at Berkeley that is getting bell peppers, and his rating says ‘he’s pretty cute on some days,’ but I have a

whole jalapeno and mine still says ‘probably like a 6. Get this hag away from you if you respect yourself,’” said literature department professor Susan Balter. “Some of my female friends are getting ‘Ugly bitch,’ but for the same thing that gets a man a ‘Have my babies right now in this lecture hall.’ Since when were serrano peppers gendered like that?” Users have reported that there is no option for a neutral rating on some female teachers. The most mild ratings were found with Carolina Reaper for “Ooh girl, turn around and write something on the chalkboard so I can see that ass!” and cayenne for “Ooh girl, turn around and write something on the chalkboard so I don’t have to see that face!” Comments about grading and teaching methods of female teachers have gone down since the update.

New ratings seem to have affected Spring 2018 enrollment already. Richard Nguyen, an award-winning physicist with numerous reports on RateMyProfessors. com and CAPE to be lenient with grading, currently has one person signed up for his PHYS 1B class while that of John Regnart, with a 5.0 difficulty rating and a Dragon’s Breath pepper rating of “Get in my pants this instant” has 40 on the waitlist for every section he is planned to teach. David Wang, a second year biology major, explains his decision: “RateMyProfessors still has a difficulty rating? I didn’t know there was anything to scroll to. Anyways, I’m first on the waitlist, and I’m not missing this opportunity.” Professor Regnart was last seen preparing for CAPE evaluations by buying tearaway pants.

10. You thought denim booty shorts were business casual 9. You forgot what job you were interviewing for 8. When asked about your previous work experience, you told the interviewer about when you dealt drugs in high school 7. You gave the interviewer your screenplay instead of your resume 6. You showed up in cargo shorts and Crocs 5. You just didn’t show up 4. You called the interviewer “Dad” 3. You don’t think they enjoyed the intricate art of your face tattoo 2. You thought the interviewer was leaning in for a kiss 1. When asked what your biggest flaw was, you simply said “Yes”

The MQ Haiku If you don’t know what this is That’s not our problem

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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March 14, 2018

March Madness Renamed March Happiness

Secret Menus of the UCSD Dining Halls Has dining hall food gotten too "samey" for you? Then check out this exclusive glimpse into the dining hall secret menus! Next time you’re at a dining hall, spice up your meals by ordering these interesting recipes you never knew you wanted!

64 Degrees The 64 Degrees: A regular hamburger but all of the components are each individually heated to be 64 degrees Fahrenheit The Double-Double: A regular hamburger that costs four times the price of a regular hamburger The Hairball: A veggie burger with mushrooms, pickles, and thin blonde hairs Used Sponge Cake: A mildew-covered kitchen sponge topped with buttercream frosting

Cafe Ventanas Real Food: If you ask nicely you might get something edible

PHOTO By Ethan Coston

As opposed to the winning team receiving a trophy, both teams’ players will receive gold star stickers on their foreheads. Rachel Seo

Staff Writer n February 24th this past year, the National Collegiate Athletic Association renamed its annual basketball tournament “March Happiness” instead of “March Madness” in an attempt to bring its fans closer together. “We decided that the hubbub surrounding the tournament is often chaotic,” NCAA president Oliver Oop said in a press conference on Tuesday. “In an effort to make college sports less competitive and more fun, we wanted our name to reflect something more positive, like happiness. I think everyone can get behind March Happiness. Anyway, it’s way better than some of the other suggestions people came up with.” The process for coming up with a name to replace March Madness included a

bracket-style competition. The top four names that competed were “March Sadness,” “March Violence,” “March Happiness,” and the runner up, “October Basketball.” This change comes in the wake of a number of allegations stating that March Madness causes viewers to become hysterical and, in some cases, actually go insane. “It’s the time of year that my husband absolutely loses his mind,” housewife Vicki Smith stated. “He literally superglues his butt to the sofa and his eyes to the TV. All of his friends do it, too. Plus, they spend countless hours planning out their brackets. We’ve already used 10 reams of paper printing out empty brackets so he can try out all the different combinations of teams who might win. I’m at my wit’s end.” Another woman, Jenny

Green, alleged that her husband lost all their savings in a bet with his friends over a bracket he filled out the past year. “We’ve been living in my mother-in-law’s garden shed,” she said. “We lost our house, lost our car, lost custody of the kids … and he just started a GoFundMe so he can bet on his bracket for this year.” In response to the extreme reactions their husbands have towards March Madness, Smith and Green founded the National Association Against March Madness, and they are advocating for reforms within the NCAA. This past July, as part of their “Down With March Madness” campaign, the two led thousands of men and women in their March Against March Madness. “March Madness is madness,” they shouted in collective unison.

Besides the name change, Oop listed a number of reforms the NCAA will be implementing over the course of the next five years. To promote the rebrand, March Happiness will also be hosting a March Happiness festival, complete with bouncy houses, balloon animals, a massive group participation in the song “If You’re Happy And You Know It,” a mental health clinic with a support group for fans afflicted with “March Madness” — now a medically recognized disease, and a march for March Happiness which will replace the March Against March Madness. “We’re really, really happy about the new changes,” President Oop stated. “And we think all fans of collegiate basketball will be really, really happy, too.”

CAPEs Revealed To Be Elaborate Prank by Professors

Broken Glass a la Mode: A slab of broken glass topped with your choice of vanilla, chocolate, or mint chip ice cream Ventanas Express: Ask for this item, and you’ll get swiftly thrown out of the nearest window by any working manager Tears of MMW Students: A cool concoction of freshly wept tears of MMW students

Canyon Vista Broccoli, Cheddar, and Plastic Soup: A thick cheddar broth with bits of broccoli and jagged plastic shards mixed in Roadkill Bars: Bars of chocolate and caramel, topped with proteinpacked bits of fresh roadkill The Canyon: A crispy bread bowl filled with nothing but sweet, sweet air A SANDwich: Any sandwich of your choice, topped with sand from the Warren volleyball courts

FoodWorx Rock Garden Salad: A garden salad with croutons and rocks (that look like croutons). Raccoon Tacos: Hard-shelled tacos with lettuce, cheese, and raccoon meat The Water Worx: A glass of water that somehow manages to get messed up Mystery Vomit: It’s like mystery meat, but with less meat and more vomit

Oceanview Terrace Pickle Pin: A shiny green pin in the shape of a pickle that tastes just as yummy as it looks PHOTO By Jessica Ma

“You should have seen the look on her face when she asked for extra credit,” said Professor Pinthand to his colleagues. Andres HernandezCosme Staff Writer

fter many quarters of professors promoting CAPEs as if they were direly important, a new discovery has shed some light on their real purpose. Local student Carl Stevens has discovered that the professors collect CAPEs just so that they can laugh at the students who actually submit them. “I saw some of them just looking at the forms and they kept chuckling,” Stevens explained. “Like, I've never seen some of those professors crack a smile, but if you saw their reactions, you'd agree they sounded just like hyenas.” “Admittedly, they're a good laugh,” said Daniel Pinthand, a calculus professor. “The

idea that I, a perfect being, could be flawed is hysterical. Although, lately it's been rather repetitive as students have just been saying that I’m ‘arrogant’ over and over, so it's gotten a bit bland.” This discovery has caused an uproar among the students, who had hoped that professors would actually take their opinions into account, when it reality, the professors allegedly are doing the exact opposite of the students’ suggestions. “The Chancellor advised us to do the opposite of whatever the student advised,” said Alan Nott, a linear algebra professor. “Which is good, because most of them are complaining about my aggressiveness, which means now I can throw a student against a chalkboard like I’ve always wanted.” A handful of teachers agree with the students, and a small

movement has been started to remedy this situation. “It just feels kinda unfair,” explained Loren Steres, head of the calculus department. “I mean, some of these complaints are pretty valid, and the degradation of the students’ health is a big enough problem just with all the sleep deprivation, let alone the professors deliberately assaulting the students.” Steres has started a petition and attempted to present it to the Chancellor, who read its title and immediately set it on fire. This has not deterred Steres, as she has allegedly begun to start a protest on campus grounds. “Steres is doing pretty good,” stated one student who wished to remain anonymous. “They're ignoring her, but she's trying best she can. I heard she went on a hunger strike against HDH to show

her anger at UCSD institutions, but no one realized that it was supposed to be something she was sacrificing.” Some professors have attempted a counter protest in response which was positively regarded by the Chancellor and lead by Professor Nott. Nott spent the entirety of the protest throwing chalk at various students, and ended up sending seven people to Student Health Services from blunt force trauma. Both protests have been waged for a week, and both sides have shown no sign of stopping. Steres and Nott report that they will continue to be determined to fulfill their designs, and the Chancellor told reporters that he “couldn't care less,” and to “let [him] know if any donors have submitted CAPEs.”

The 3.0: A wood-fired pizza crust topped with a sprinkle of parmesan The 1.0: If you ask for this dish, you will be placed on pizza probation A Single Asparagus: A single crispy asparagus decorated with an orange garnish

Pines University of California Roll: A sushi roll composed of cucumber, crab meat, and college debt Smushed Burrito: A breakfast burrito that you stick in your pocket so that you don’t have to pay for it Animal-Style Fries: A serving of plain fries mixed with chicken tenders, covered in ketchup The Manager’s Special: Get caught for stealing food and get publicly humiliated while having to pay for the food you swiped

March 14, 2018

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Muir College Announces New Writing Sequence: John Muir Writing Extravaganza

Turnitin.com To Start Accepting Submissions by Fax

By Pilan Scruggs

Staff Writer

uir College Writing Program (MCWP) director Carrie Wastal recently unveiled a complete overhaul of the MCWP series. She said that the provosts from the other colleges had come together and forced Muir to change its writing requirements for a number of reasons, least of which being that in the most recent application cycle 95% of the applicants listed Muir as their first choice. “Apparently a quarter of them didn’t bother ranking any of the other colleges,” Wastal continued, “So it’s a big problem. We were told to make immediate changes.” According to Wastal, the current sequences will be replaced by a five-course sequence for entering freshmen and a three-course sequence for transfer students. “We also want to make the entire sequence cumulative so that upon completing it students can see connections between all of the themes explored,” Wastal explained, “And we thought renaming the program might help. We let the current instructors decide the new name, but maybe that was a bad idea as they unanimously selected ‘John Muir Writing Extravaganza.’” Starting in the Fall Quarter of 2018, entering freshmen will take John Muir Writing Extravaganza (JMWE) 40, 50, 60, 170, and 180. Transfer students will take JMWE 125, 170, and 180. The program changes will only apply to students who enter in or after Fall 2018, so no current students will be affected. The college will continue to offer MCWP courses for as long as necessary for all current stu-

PHOTO By jessica ma

Hatrick started to panic after he realized he sent his rough draft to the final draft fax number. By Quoc Tran

S PHOTO By Jessica ma

Greene told reporters that after completing his first draft, he realized that he confused the word limit with the character limit. dents to graduate, to the relief of many students. “The announcement scared me to death until my friend told me that we would not have to deal with it,” admitted third-year Bradley Greene. “I just barely scraped by with a C in Muir 50, and if I was forced to take three more writing classes, I would have just dropped out. However, I’m all for making the freshmen suffer. They need some way to learn that college, and life in general, isn’t a cakewalk.” “While I’m certainly overjoyed that I will not have to take these classes, I still think the changes are for the better,” said Amy Nishiki, a second-year literature major. “It’s good that the college is giving students more opportunities to improve

their writing as that is an extremely valuable tool. I just hate the new name, though. It sounds less like a writing class and more like a party at the Gatsby mansion.” The content of each individual course is yet to come, but the defining feature of the new sequence is the final course: JMWE 180. It will be a year-long course (JMWE 180A-B-C) to be taken in the expected year of graduation, and under advisor supervision, students will write a senior thesis. When asked why Muir was introducing such a demanding requirement, Wastal turned to her co-presenter, MCWP program representative Helen Mout. “As always, our objectives are to help the students

succeed and improve their writing,” she said. “Our hope is that by having students write a thesis, we will fully develop their writing skills and give them advantages over others wherever they may be headed after graduation.” Following the presentation, Mout was heard discussing with co-workers how the redesign was essentially built from her frustration with having to meet with an endless stream of students who were concerned about not being able to complete the MCWP sequence. Later, Muir Student Mary Shoenberg was overheard complaining about Muir's rigorous requirements, saying that “as soon as Sixth's GEs become more appealing I'll switch immediately.”

Stop briefing around the bush New Charity Delivers Medical Benefits of Marijuana to Prison Inmates

Local UCSD Student Finally learns Roommate’s Name

Pluto the Pup Takes Siege of Disney, Establishes a Plutocracy

Local Man Concerned About Politics, Does Nothing About It

With recreational marijuana now legal in California, benefactors are looking for ways to deliver its benefits to a wider audience. A group of college students have formed a charity to help one of the most underserved populations in the state: prisoners. “We created Weed for Prisoners to bring the naturally destressing properties of marijuana to the prison population,” said founder and vegan Morgyn Stacey. “They need it more than we do, you know?” California’s prison population has skyrocketed, partly due to the three-strike laws that count drug possession as a serious offense. “Most states require a violent felony before sentencing someone, but California copied Texas which, historically, has never been a good idea,” lawyer Michelle Khazei explained. “Cops found weed in my car three times. But that’s not hard to do when you’re pulling someone over 300 times a year,” said inmate Bryan Andrade. “One time, I was the passenger and they still pulled me over. To this day I don’t know how they did that.” Andrade reacted to the news of Weed for Prisoners with surprise. “White people are giving away their weed? They’re giving it away for free instead of commuting our sentences? Really? Of course they are. Of course.”

Second year UCSD student Neil Caiman told reporters he recently noticed a fourth apartment-mate living with him that he had not accounted for just last night. “My friends and I were planning our trip to Cancun for spring break when one of them asked me if Nemo came with us,” confided Caiman. “Nemo? Who is Nemo?” “Apparently, Neil didn’t know that Nemo lived in the last room down the hall,” said Jackson Lu, Caiman’s roommate, “Nemo is a very private guy, keeps to himself, and he doesn’t seem very keen on going to classes, but he’s had to have seen him some time or another,” said Lu. “I honestly thought that Nemo’s room was our storage room. Everyone kept storing the vacuum there. How was I supposed to know there is a human being there?” said Caiman. “In hindsight, this makes much more sense. At first I thought we had an animal infestation in our apartment. I would hear noises in the kitchen in the late hours of the night and a very frantic digging in our pantry, but when I started finding handwritten grocery lists, that option was ruled out.” Caiman concluded, “I’m glad to finally know who the hell was living in my apartment and leaving me passive aggressive notes reminding me to take out the trash.”

Pluto the Pup, the Disney character owned by Mickey Mouse, told reporters yesterday that he has decided to incite a coup in order to become the new face of the Disney organization. During his announcement, Pluto communicated that he is just as valid as the other Disney characters, even though he is not dressed like a human. Pluto, whose copyright is set to expire by the end of 2018, is protesting against the cast members who overlook him. Despite being owned by Mickey Mouse, Pluto feels the most rapport with Goofy, a fellow dog whose creators decided to bestow unto him more human characteristics. The seed of Pluto’s thirst for vengeance and revolt was confounded when it was announced by the International Astronomical Union that Pluto would be reclassified as a dwarf planet. This addition of insult to injury encouraged Pluto to rise up against his anthropomorphic-abled oppressors and seek control. This insurgence of a plutocracy in the Disney universe has been fueled by Pluto’s perspicacious investments into different companies, aided with a tinge of insidertrading. Pluto has also been able to amass a large fortune from his lesser background roles, by money laundering, and by posing for photos with tourists.

In light of recent national debates for and against gun control, as well as proposed changes to education in America, California resident Harrison Argant contacted reporters to speak his mind on the prevailing political issues. Argant claimed to be taking an active position in the current political scene. Argant told reporters, “The issues of gun control and public school funding hit very close to home for me. That is why I’ve been spending days browsing activism pages on Reddit and Tumblr. Yesterday, I shared a strongly worded op-ed from CNN. I even considered writing a paragraph on Facebook about it.” When pressed for information about how he intends to make a difference, Argant replied, “Well, I considered attending some protests that were organized in my area, but I was scheduled for work that day, and I really couldn’t take another day off. Besides, I already changed my profile picture on Tumblr and Facebook to a funny cartoon making fun of the NRA. All four of my followers know that I’m trying to inspire change in this garbage country.” Argant was later seen in class during a scheduled student walkout, furiously taking notes as if the class had continued uninterrupted.

Staff Writer

tarting April 2018, Turnitin.com, the popular plagiarism prevention tool used by many professors, will start accepting submissions by fax and begin shutting down the online portion of its service. This move is a major part of a larger initiative by Turnitin to streamline its entire service and make the tool more accessible for all students and their instructors. With its new system, Turnitin promises to make turning in essays and lab reports a breeze for students and grading them simpler for teachers and professors. Students can turn in their work by faxing it to (512) 879-8839 with a cover page listing their teacher’s fax number along with a few other submission details. After Turnitin completes its plagiarism analysis on the submission, the annotated essay will then be faxed to the teacher. The Chief Executive Officer of Turnitin.com, Chris Caren, predicted the new fax service will result in “a huge leap in efficiency and accuracy of our plagiarism prevention service and an intuitive experience for high school and college students that are more comfortable with fax technology.” In the modern, everchanging technological landscape, fax is quickly emerging as a leader, and Turnitin advertised that it “champions the use of fax.” Fax, short for telefacsimile, uses America’s already installed and extensive network of phone lines to send copies of documents to any other fax machine connected to this network. According to Turnitin Chief Technical Of-

ficer Ron Park, this technology has several advantages over the widely used internet which connects computers and other devices with its own network of tubes. “Fax is more secure and can’t be easily hacked, unlike computers connected to the world wide web,” explained Park. “In addition, faxing a document prints out a warm printed sheet of paper which feels and smells really nice.” The general attitude by college campuses across the nation was generally positive with many excited for the new change. In an exclusive one-on-one interview, Samantha Carr, a nursing major at California State University, Dominguez Hills, told reporters, “I like to use fax machines because sometimes they make a fun beeping noise.” Chris Hatrick shares the same sentiment, tweeting: “thanks to the new fax system at turnitin i can finally get rid of this piece of junk”; attached was a video of him tossing a MacBook Pro out of his second story window. However, not all are as optimistic about this change. A student of the University of Texas at Austin, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution from Turnitin.com, told reporters, “I hate Turnitin’s new system. It can go fax itself.” Turnitin has started sending out information on fax submissions to instructors and their students in hopes that everyone is ready for the switch to fax in April. However, its website will remain functional and continue accepting submissions for a few months after the flagship fax service launches to allow instructors to catch up and adapt to the latest technology.

TOP fIFTEEN

Little Known Things Jesus Said While Ascending to Heaven 15. I mean, I guess this beats crucifixion 14. Wow I definitely thought I was going to Hell 13. Beam me up, Scotty 12. Wait until my father hears about this 11. Please don’t whitewash me in future paintings 10. Oh no, not again 9. Please don’t yell my name when you’re having sex 8. No one look up my robe 7. Jesus OUT 6. Haha, these losers think I’m returning 5. It’s Jesus, bitch 4. I left a million dollars in the … 3. Jesus Fucking Christ 2. Whatever you do, don’t start a religion based on me 1. God is a woman

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March 14, 2018

The MQ’s Guide to Little Known

Supervillains

Not everyone can be a hero. The allure of evil can be too much for one to resist, and it leads to the birth of a new supervillain. Some of these supervillains have endless chronicles written about their exploits; others never see the light of day, forever lurking right under the noses of upstanding citizens. Here are some devious characters that you might never have known about until it was too late to save your loved one from being tied to the railroad tracks.

WASP Woman

Superpowers:

WASP Woman was living a nice, comfortable life in a sunny Southern California suburb. However, everything changed when, one day, she was on her morning jog with her girlfriends and someone’s sprinklers sprayed all over her! Nothing would ever be the same. She decided it was time to take matters into her own hands, and she turned to the dark side to ensure nothing would get in the way of her or her gal pals.

• Can always summon the manager • Can instantly win any argument by raising her voice five octaves • Can get a red wine stain out of anything • Can refund or return anything • Can finish three seasons of House Hunters in one day and still have time to pick up her kids from school

Sidekick

Nemesis

Secret Lair

Marsha, from church

Susie, President of the local PTA

The WASPmobile

Paul Ryan

Superpowers:

• Can get rid of his spine and wrap himself around someone else to leech on • Can shoot out an endless supply of red neckties • Has the power of God and P90X • Can become President under a specific set of circumstances • Can send angry letters

Sidekick

Nemesis

Secret Lair

Matt, job-seeking college intern

The Mistress

The Ryan Rig

The Tundra

A Millennial

Formerly Ivan Vladimirovich Efremov, this man was a humble ice cream man loved by all in his hometown of Chelyabinsk. His truck broke down on a rocky road in the depths of the Russian winter which forced him to cryogenically freeze himself to survive. However, while his body did not freeze, his soul did. It was not Ivan who emerged from the cryogenic chamber; all that remained was the Tundra. Has a coil of frozen razor wire which he calls “slice cream” Can give you brain freeze Can sneak raisins into any flavor of ice cream Can instantly sell out right before you get there Doesn’t do much physical harm, but mint-chips away at your mental health

Sidekick

Gelato Boy

This young, enterprising individual searched and searched for a job that could pay a livable wage, but they had no luck. That is, until they found supervillainy. It turns out that discarding your respect for established society really lowers how much you need to spend on groceries and utilities. Also, listing yourself as self-employed also nets you some sweet tax benefits.

Superpowers:

Superpowers: • • • • •

Paul Davis Ryan Jr. (born January 29, 1970) is an American politician who has served as the 54th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives since 2015. He was the Republican Party nominee for Vice President of the United States, running alongside former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election. When Mitt lost the election, Paul’s world crumbled around him, and he turned evil.

Nemesis

Frozen Yogurt

Secret Lair

The Ice Scream Truck

• Can cause every current problem with the economy • Can do some sweet vape tricks • Has a letter of recommendation from their middle school P.E. teacher • Can actually treat waiters and retail workers with respect • Can type with more than two fingers • Can withstand the weight of crippling debt

Sidekick

Nemesis

Secret Lair

Gen Z-er

Baby Boomer

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