The MQ Volume 25 Issue 5 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“Give me just enough information so that I can lie convincingly.” -Rudy Giuliani, President Trump’s Lead Attorney

Spoiler: Print media dies at the end

March 13, 2019

Eight Knives Found in Caesar Salad

Volume XXV Issue V

In This issue Snake Communities celebrate ancestors

Local Phone Charged with Battery

flood apocalypse

6,7

local irish person’s favorite color is blue trump space force Reveals Space is ‘Just like Halo’

8 10

News in Brief The salad’s family members found it difficult to see the salad in a vegetative state. By Matthew Miltimore Staff Writer

he latest in a string of lettuce-related crimes occurred this Saturday in UCSD’s Goody’s Market when a local student found eight pieces of sharp cutlery in his pre-packaged caesar salad. “At first I didn’t mind,” recalled Mart Anthony, the second-year Marshall student who purchased the salad. “I’ve been using an old plastic spork as my sole utensil for the past few weeks, so I was stoked to see the new gear.” However, Anthony’s optimism quickly faded upon making a “bleak discovery.” The knives had punctured the complementary two-ounce package of Girad’s Caesar Dressing included in the salad. The resulting leakage caused the lettuce to be exposed to

the dressing for an extended period of time, leading to what Anthony described as “an atrocious, soaky tragedy.” When asked if he would ever purchase the caesar salad again, Anthony answered, “Of course not, caesar salad absolutely needs crisp lettuce. I’ve been betrayed by the people I thought I could trust. Giving someone soaked romaine is like stabbing them in the back.” While Anthony expressed discontent regarding the event, the chef responsible for the salad has stated that his actions were not only justified, but necessary. When Chef Brule Tisk was asked why he shoved the knives into the caesar salad, he said that he did not do so out of any hatred towards caesar salad. “If then you demand why Brule Tisk rose

against caesar, then this is my answer: not that I loved caesar less, but that I loved romaine more.” According to Tisk, the popularity of the caesar salad was putting a strain on the limited supply of romaine lettuce, which forced the market to produce fewer batches of their other, less popular salads. Tisk was reportedly “upset to the point of damaging a salad that was once a friend, companion, and ally, one that he once loved.” Tisk has expressed that he remains hopeful that his actions will lead to a decline in sales for the caesar salad and a subsequent return of the other salads. Tisk concluded by running away and screaming that he “must prepare for the battle of romaine.” Goody’s Market has not increased production of the

PHOTO By Hannah Lykins

alternative salads, but they have pulled the caesar salad from their shelves following a Facebook post by Anthony that read: “Friends, students, Khosla, lend me your ears: I come to expose caesar, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their croutons.” The post also included several photos of the destroyed salad and received 462 likes, 137 of which included the “Crying Tears of Betrayal” reaction. Despite the reaction from UCSD’s Facebook population, many have expressed faith that Goody’s may very well recover, citing the fact that the market was able to stay open after Germanic tribes invaded and laid waste to the romaine supply last fall.

Local Student Mixes Every Single Energy Drink Available, Projected Not to Sleep Until Next Week

Helicopter Mother Leaves 72-Hour Voicemail to Ungrateful Son Local mother Khadija Abboud reportedly left a 72-hour voicemail to her “darling son, Arman.” The recording starting on Thursday and ending the following Sunday. Khadija Abboud now holds the national record for the longest recorded audio track, having broken the previous record of 56 hours. “Once I call him, I just can’t stop talking,” said Khadija. “He’s the sweetest child in the world, but he’s so fragile. I have to constantly remind him to not do drugs, stop at red

lights, chew his food, wipe his tush-tush, tie his shoes, fold his blankies, and brush his teeth. That’s my responsibility as a parent.” Arman was frustrated with his mother, saying, “God, can’t she just give me a break? I’m 22-years-old! She complains that I don’t appreciate her enough, but all she does is pay for my tuition, buy me clothes, cook for me when I’m lazy, comfort me when I’m sad, and tell me she loves me no matter what. Just give me some space already!”

Local student sleeps for three days straight, still tired Local Muir student Morpheus Kent is reportedly “still sleepy af” after sleeping for three days. Kent has agreed to break his nap times into 20 minute increments to provide an exclusive interview with us. “Listen man, I’ve been trying my hardest to train for the sleepathon that is coming up next July. It’s very hard work,” said Kent while nodding off in exhaustion. Kent’s roommate Troy Paris was reportedly upset over Kent’s training schedule. “Look, Morpheus is in our room all the time. I cannot get any personal space. I keep trying to get it

on with my girlfriend, Helen, but every time we get to my room, he’s already there. You know, sleeping and making weird noises that really kill the mood. Doesn’t he have classes to attend, anyways?” Kent tells reporters he was unconcerned with Paris’s complaints. “I can’t let him hold me back from winning this competition. I have a very rigorous sleep routine that can’t be deviated from. Of course, I take an occasional cheat day and get out of bed to go to school, but I try to focus on what’s really important here.”

Area Student Excited for New ‘Game of Thrones’ Season, “Definitely not for the nudity” Smith told reporters, “Red Bull may give you wings, but this combination gives me blood loss.” By Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Captain

fter staying awake for six consecutive days and breaking the former school record, third-year Saturn Smith attempted to break the UC-wide record of

11 days. When asked how he plans to carry out the task, Smith responded that he plans to mix every energy drink he can. “It’s basically jungle juice, but safer, non-alcoholic, and only slightly less fun. I’m a lightweight, so it’s ideal for someone like me.”

Local man misunderstands wallpaper

Insists he’s an expert in interior defecating

Smith is currently triple majoring in computer engineering, human biology, and cognitive science. When asked about the vast difference between his areas of study, Smith responded “I want to keep my options open. I still haven’t decided if I wan-

PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

na be a professional hacker, a drug dea ... um, I mean doctor, or a front-end web developer for porn websites.” An anonymous source reported that Smith calculated

See Energy Drink page 2

Local cat not bread for success Prefers to loaf around

Area frat boy Ramin Djawak expressed his excitement for the upcoming season of “Game of Thrones” by throwing a party at Blacks Beach on the night of March 9, themed around the awardwinning show. Djawak’s party was reportedly “lit,” with one partygoer recalling Djawak saying: “Call me Petyr Baelish, cause this party is just as wild as Littlefinger’s Brothel.” Another said the DJ at the party mostly played “Casterly Rock” music, however, “his style Varys.” “I’m really hoping Daenerys Targaryen gets to sit on the Iron Throne. Not just cause she’s hot, but … um … yeah she’s really hot,” said Djawak. “If she doesn’t, at least

she’s still ‘Queen Daenerys, Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the first of her name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms and protector of the Realm, Lady of Dragonstone, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons.’” Djawak later clarified his previous statement, saying “I don’t mean to be sexualizing her in any way, I’m just saying I wish I was Jon Snow at the end of season seven, even if she was my aunt.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

March 13, 2019

Trump’s Space Force: “We Will Send the First Americans to the Moon by 2044”

PHOTO By sage cristal

continued from page 1:

Energy Drink

a “20E level difficulty equation” that related the amount of caffeine to each additional hour he planned to stay awake in order to break the record. A computer science colleague of Smith added, “He’s considering a future in the computer engineering field, but he spent like 20 hours working on that equation. The worst part is that he wrote it in MATLAB.” In addition to breaking the record for staying awake, Smith is currently in the process of breaking a different record for the most units passed in one quarter. Currently enrolled in 54 units, with all being upper division courses, Smith just needs to pass his classes in order to break the former record of 38 units. Upon being asked about why he chose such a challenging record to break, Smith said, “I wasn’t even trying to set the record to be honest. I’m just trying to stay on track with my four-year plan.” When asked their opinion on Smith’s method to prepare for finals week, students expressed mixed opinions. Some, like first-year Maisie Crawford, believed that Smith is making the right choice. “He’s gonna ace every test. I can’t wait to try out his strategy next quarter. I might even throw in a Soylent or two so I won’t have to eat either.” Others expressed con-

cern over Smith’s health. Fellow premed student Kenzie Williams voiced concern about Smith’s desire to apply to med school: “They’re not gonna accept you into a school that requires you to take care of other people’s health if you can’t even take care of your own.” Smith believed otherwise, stating, “They only care about your MCAT and your GPA. Hell, it’s almost a requirement that you down four Monsters and a couple of Concertas a day to handle the stress you’re gonna experience everyday for the rest of your life. Kenzie might as well just start taking Vicodin now, ‘cause she’s gonna need a whole lot in the future to numb the pain of her failure.” An analysis of every brand of energy drink currently available in the Sunshine Market led mathematicians to this conclusion: The total caffeine content of one can from each brandwould sum to approximately 75 milligrams of caffiene at a total cost at $189.49. The caffeine content puzzled many, as the average amount of caffiene in a cup of coffee is around 75 milligrams. When checking their work, mathematicians realized they made a mistake, exclaiming, “Oh fuck, we forgot to carry a zero. It’s supposed to be 75 grams.”

After reporters informed Trump he scored a bogey, he responded, “Bullshit, this is par three. Believe me, I know par three.” By Sage Cristal

Editior-in-Chief

onths after introducing the general public to the concept of an American Space Force, President Trump signed a new policy that laid out plans to establish a Space Force on February 19. The policy, named Space Policy Directive-4, describes a list of milestones that Trump hopes to achieve within the Space Force, including “plugging the holes in the asteroid belt,” and “Sending the first Americans to the Moon by 2044.” When signing the policy, President Trump told reporters, “We’ve got the Air Force and the G-Force. Now all America is missing is the Space Force. I wish that the hardworking men, women, and guinea pigs over at the Armed Forces could fight the aliens that keep sending me messages in my alphabet soup, but, unfortunately, only a Space Force created by my

administration would have the power and the financial backing to kick alien ass.” Following the signing of Space Policy Directive-4, Trump received many questions about the upcoming 2020 election, the ongoing investigation regarding the 2016 election, and the type of messages Trump was seeing in his alphabet soup. Despite dodging many questions, Trump was unable to avoid giving an answer to one reporter’s question. The reporter inquired about whether Trump’s Space Force would replace the Air Force Space Command, the major authority of all spacerelated aeronautics since 1982. “We don’t have a Space Force, at least not yet anyway. My Space Force is going to be a one-of-a-kind, never-before-seen beauty, and she’s going to do things we have only dreamed of doing. Like walking on the

Moon. Imagine the first Space Force soldiers landing on the moon, biting a huge chunk out of that big ball of space cheese, and then eliminating the aliens who’ve tampered with my soup! That’s the kind of America that I would be proud to live in. Anyway, I have this saying I created all by myself that’s absolutely original and going to be remembered — it’s the very best: ‘We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy, but because we are bored.’” With this announcement, many have voiced concerns that creating a Space Force would be a misuse of taxpayer money. Gene Cornill, a San Diego resident, told reporters, “I don’t know what kind of soup the president has been eating, but aliens aren’t real. You know what we really should be worried about? Ghouls. Ghouls are terrifying, and they can eat people, AND they can pre-

tend they aren’t even ghouls! Wait. How do I know you aren’t a ghoul?” Cornill was later arrested and charged with attempted assault. Police say his intent was to injure the reporter with what Cornill said were his “Ghoulhunting knuckle dusters.” Despite receiving negative responses, Trump later tweeted: “Why can’t liberals accept that I’m winning? Space force is happening, and when we get to the moon, america will be back on top! Aliens are no match for #SpaceForce @CampbellSoupCo.” Trump could not be reached for comment following his tweet, but Campbell Soup’s official twitter later tweeted a picture response which depicts a can of Campbell Soup on the moon, using a ray gun to shoot an alien. The picture was tweeted with the caption: “One small step for man, one giant leap for lunchtime.”

The MQ: a name that sticks

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief..............................Sage Cristal Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Managing Editor............David Vereau Gorbitz Content Editor........................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Dad......................................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor..............Steven Zhou Assistant Content Editor........Dexter Hamilton Design Editor....Maryanna Sophia Landaverde Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Graphics Editor....................Stephen Lightfoot

Assistant Graphics Editor...............Jack Yang Copy Editor..........................Samantha Cane

Assistant Copy Editor..............Adian Valdez Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon Social/Publicity Chair........Mishelle Arakelian Social/Publicity Ottoman..........Andrew Sitko Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Web Editor....................Ethan Edward Coston MQ Step Cousin.........................Daniel Clinton Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma

Staff Members

Caution: content may be hot

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I am hurridly typing out this love note to all the editors and staff writers who worked so hard to make this caffine-fueled dream a reality. Speacial shout out to copy for being able to run with the punches thrown at us during this production. More specifically, the punch that our only printer stopped working. Thanks for keeping your cool. Also, thanks to all the new people who came and wrote articles, created briefs, and drew amazing comics (I’m looking at you Miranda!) I feel so blessed to work with old friends and new pals alike to create something so powerful, especially in this political climate where keeping up with what’s current also requires a sense of humor. Oh shit I know I’m missing people to thank because I’m writing this at 4 a.m. Um. Oh yeah! Thanks to all the people who showed up sick (David) or tired (Jay) or injured (Sophia). I know everybody has shit going on in their lives, but it means so much that y’all powered through the crapstorm that landed this weekend. If I missed someone who deserves thanks I apologize deeply. But overall, everyone deserves praise and thanks for their hard work. You are all beautiful people who create such amazing things. I can’t wait to see what y’all do at the next production. Whatever it is, I will be ready and awaiting many oreos. XOXO, Sage

Adriana Aguilar Katlyn Andrade Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Melina Cruz Summer Davis Chris Doherty Aniela Drumonde Connor Gorry Leo Grabowski

Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezCosme Jan Hsiao Daniel Kupor Heather Lim Miranda May Matthew Miltimore Keshav Mittal Hanaa Moosavi

Natalia Nenn Elizabeth Niculescu Avaneesh Pentaparthy Massimo Quintero Robert Renfro Isabelle Rupani Luis Alex Sanchez Pilan Scruggs Ronak Shah

Rhys Shriver Vanessa Tian Quoc Tran Sarah Wernher Jay Wilson Kate Zegans Ricky Zhao

Booster Club As this daylight savings production comes to a close, we’d like to thank the people who helped us get through the weekend (especially because it looked like we spent an extra hour there). First off, thank you to everyone who donated their dining dollaz: Jack, Dex, Adam, Stephen, Andrew, Matt Miltimore, Adian, Miranda, Massimo. Thanks to Chris Jin, Steven, and Ricky, for bringing god knows how many packages of Oreos. Thanks to Jay Noonan for the soda we basically IV into our systems, and also the bagels. Thank you to Sophia for buying new chairs for the office, and thank you to Will from FOOSH for speed throwing snacks at us. Lastly Nah would like to take a moment to personally thank everyone who bought her Red Bull this weekend. She really needed them, even though people probably think she has a problem.

theMQ.org

March 13, 2019

Page 3

Snakes Celebrate the Day Their Ancestors Immigrated to America

EDITORIAL

My Nonprofit has Made Significant Measures to Stop Global Warming

by Satan

Master of the Macabre, Keeper of Horrors

Snakes across the world see the statue as a slither of hope for better things to constrict. By Jack Yang

Assistant Graphics Editor

housands of snakes across America will celebrate Snake Day, a day honoring their heritage and their ancestors that emigrated from Ireland. Sources from “old folk legends” say March 16 marks the anniversary of the day that snakes were driven from Ireland by St. Patrick. Since then, snakes have relocated across the world, many of whom moved to the United States seeking better lives. As Snake Day approaches, many are celebrating their family “hiss-tories.” “I just learned about this holiday, and I am so excited to be a part of this tradition!” said San Diego resident Shelley Ross, “I’ve already went out and bought party hats and snake-patterned streamers for my office, and I’m giving

each of my coworkers a specialized holiday card filled with personalized immigration forms! And after work, we’re going to see the new ‘An American Scale’ movie in theatres. I love the charm of the classic 20th century immigration story: snakes coming to the USA with nothing and achieving the American Dream. Of course, none of the structural repression of peoples’ cultures or widespread insensitivity toward the struggle of minorities in the movie is still around today, thank goodness.” Lifelong New Yorker Garry Richards also shared his Snake Day memories with reporters, saying, “I remember when I came to the states. Life was different then, and you snakelets just don’t get it with your vegan mice and electronic folk music. I remember seeing Ellis Island for the first time in

the fifties, boy what a sight. Back then we had real jobs, jobs that built character, like operating metal stamping machines with a big crank, or making rattles for snakes. It was tough for us, not having hands and all, but the 75 cents an hour was enough to pay for my own corner store complete with a three bedroom burrow for my wife to stay in to look after the kids, all in just a year. If only you squirts would listen to your pee-paw now and then, you wouldn’t be crying about crippling student loans this, elevated cost of nest-ownership that. Everyone running around hosting parties and buying robin eggs are missing the real Snake Day traditions, like swallowing immigrants whole and becoming hissing nationalists as soon as possible.” However, some are not so excited for this annual

PHOTO By jack yang

holiday, claiming that it perpetuates some common misconceptions. “You don’t think that the ‘snakes’ in the stories were actual serpents, do you?” Jordan Lange reportedly asked, “It’s just an allegory describing the Christianization of Ireland in the way Christians would see it, driving the unchristian practices and rituals of Irish people out of the country. Yet again we’ve let Snake Day become a huge commercial holiday like the rest of them, touting snakerelated items and events as must-haves and must-sees. Just wait, I’m gonna bust this day wide open — you’ll see.” Lange’s “world-shattering revelation” was later found on Facebook, where he described how it’s “just another day” to him and prided himself on being “superior to the rest of his family for not succumbing to another holiday ad campaign from corporate America.”

College Student Plans Spring Break Trip to Australia, Doesn’t Understand how Hemispheres Work

have never been more proud to be a community leader in Hell. After thousands of years of drought, fire, and brimstone, I decided that enough was enough. No sinner should ever be scared of coming to the underworld because of the blazing heat caused by fossil fuels and emissions. Can you believe Hell still runs on coal after being around for over two thousand years? I started a nonprofit organization last year called “To Hell with Heat” that works at the community level to help people switch from using unsustainable energy sources to renewable energy. We have a lot of scientists down here in Hell since my dad, God, hates when science proves his book wrong, and they recently developed sinner-powered panels that absorb all the hypocrisy that rains down from denominational people in the real world, and channels it into electricity. Given the copious amounts of bullshit radiating from just the Westboro Baptist Church, the KKK, and Washington D.C., these panels are projected to power Hell indefinitely. What’s even better is the enthusiasm behind the movement for renewable energy. That might have to do with our general demographics. Since everyone in Hell is a socialist-loving, multiculturalism-embracing, pro-choice homosexual, environmentalism was an incredibly easy sell. Nearly everyone has signs made of biodegradable severed limbs in their front yards advocating for water conservation and waste reduction. 80 percent of Hell’s population have communicated supernaturally with their living kin, requesting all their future

tombstone flowers to be replaced with succulents. According to my secretary Belphegor, over 50 billion people have already signed up for the Earth Day march I’m holding soon. The energy is incredible. Fire severity has also been cut in half due to our new forestmanagement strategies. These incredibly intelligent workers have identified that the reason Hell has been constantly on fire is due to a massive, unaddressed forest fire caused by the mismanagement of excess sins and alcohol from Las Vegas. We have many fantastic ecologists in Hell working alongside our brimstone department creating controlled fires to prevent accumulating too much of this flammable debris. Additionally, in just the past year since I started this organization, pollution rates have dropped by nearly 85 percent. Part of this drop also has to do with voters in Hell finally becoming enfranchised and voting to prevent Heaven from dumping all of their dirty air down into our community. This was a landmark legislative decision that Andrew Carnegie and John Rockefeller up in Heaven tried to lobby against, but fortunately, millions of dedicated volunteers worked themselves to death going door to door to inform our citizens and prevent the spread of misinformation the business magnates tried to instigate. All of this is to say that I’m incredibly happy to be a resident of Hell. Our government is looking to further expand our subway and light rail system to ease our community’s demand for fuel, and Hell’s residents seem very supportive of it. I’ve heard if you tried to bring a measure like this into Heaven, all the WASPs and NIMBYs would be up in arms, so I’m grateful that our population is more reasonable. I feel very optimistic for the future of Hell, and — for anyone who is thinking about joining us here — don’t believe the stereotypes. It’s a fantastic, environmentally friendly place to spend the rest of eternity. So now when someone tells you to “go to Hell,” take it as a compliment. We welcome anyone with open arms down here.

TOP Ten

Ways Daylight Savings Ruined Your Day

Vittras was reportedly found attempting to hitchhike in a kangaroo’s pouch. By Hannah Lykins Managing Editor

merican college student Kelsey Vittras received backlash after she announced her plan to take her first-ever spring break trip to Canberra, Australia. Her decision was reportedly met with negative reactions from her classmates, such as “Well, it’s a pretty unpopular place to go,” “Why the hell would she choose Australia?” and “Who’s Kelsey? Is she in B-House?” “I couldn’t be more excited! It’s my first year in college, so I’ve never been on a real spring break trip before, but I’m ready for all the adventures and beautiful weather that I’m sure Australia will have to offer.” As a continent in the southern hemisphere, Australia has opposite seasons to countries

in the northern hemisphere. As locations north of the equator begin to warm, southern countries like Australia will only begin to drop in temperature, especially in inland areas. This temperature difference continues to prove “really confusing” to Americans, many of whom have yet to grasp the Celsius system. “I spent the last month planning my trip; I basically stopped going to classes in February,” said Vittras. “And my friends stopped talking to me a couple of weeks back, ‘cause all I’d ever do was think about Australia and talk about Australia. I think I’ve even started talking in an Australian accent. But honestly, mate, go big or go home. And I can’t really go home at this point, ‘cause I’m failing my classes and my parents don’t want to see me anymore.”

“It’s been a little chillier here in California than I’m used to, so the Australian beaches will definitely be a sight for sore eyes,” said Vittras. “I really don’t know why more people don’t go there for spring break. I know both of my roommates are going to Cabo, but I think I lucked out with my pick.” More traditional locations college students pick for spring break are often on a beach or in a country with a lower drinking age. However, Vittras decided to pick Australia “because who wouldn’t go to a country that’s basically just warm beaches 24/7?” “You know, I think she picked one of the only major cities in Australia that doesn’t have a beach,” said Mary Alvarez, one of Vittras’s roommates. “Like I knew she was dumb already, but

PHOTO By Hannah Lykins

couldn’t she have picked a city people had heard of, like Sydney or something. Jesus. So she’s gonna be cold and not even at the beach.” Vitras remarked, “It’s my first year in college, so I really wanted to make sure I did this trip right. I mean, you only get to do your first spring break once. Plus, the drinking age in Mexico is 18, and I’m only 17 still. In Australia, you only have to be 16 to drink, so I think I really picked the right place for me. Wait, it’s still 16, right? They wouldn’t change something like that, would they?” Vittras was later heard on the phone with a travel agent, yelling that she needed to “get somewhere actually warm and fun” before spring break started, “like Chile or New Zealand.”

10. You have to wait six months until your car clock works again 9. You’re missing the one hour of beauty sleep you needed to not look ugly 8. You scheduled something for 2:01 a.m. 7. You sprung too far forward and you’re now in the year 2089 6. You’ve been outrunning your shadow and now it’s caught up with you 5. You have to hire a mason to reset your sundial 4. You were strategically playing hard-to-get but now it looks like you’re ghosting her 3. The doctor only gave you six more hours to live and you just lost an hour 2. Nobody understood your joke because your timing was off 1. You forgot to report your extra savings in daylight and now the IRS is after you

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March 13, 2019

theMQ.org

Local Phone Charged With Battery

DNC Announces Endorsement Decision Will Be Settled by Battle Royale

PHOTO By Hannah Lykins

“It’s time we bring a victory royale to the people, not just the one percent,” said Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders. Andrew Sitko

Social/Publicity Ottoman

T Paul’s iPhone had a prior arrest record including three charges of jailbreaking. By Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor

ocal phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker device. The phone, a rose-gold iPhone 7 about 5.5 inches tall, was seen at the crime scene five minutes before it went dark. No further information was retrieved. Paul’s iPhone was taken into custody and rushed to a local charging station after attempts using battery-related methods failed. The damage done includes a cracked screen on the iPhone, an indent on the PowerBank, and “being forced to look like an idiot and carry around an

open laptop just to listen to Spotify while walking.” “It was all out of energy,” said Darrel Andero regarding his PowerCore. “I tried to save it, but it couldn’t be helped, and now we’re in this situation. I can’t believe Paul would just kill my battery like that. He deserves the charge he was given.” Beyond some scuff marks, the battery impact on Andero’s PowerCore has reportedly led him to search for new Anker PowerCore models. Andero “feels bad” that his isn’t the newest model, which is “only like 10 dollars more.” Andero stated further that he intends to buy the newer model and look for “a sweet deal on a lightly used Anker PowerCore on UCSD Free and For Sale: offered for five

dollars below market price!” Onlookers of the crime have since reportedly prepared for a repeat incident. “I thought this area was safe,” said witness Ashley Redd, “but now I have to be ready for things to just drop dead and die around me? And they killed someone who was just trying to help them! I ordered one of those cases that have a portable battery in them. In the meantime, I’ve been keeping my head down and not making eye contact with any potential lowpercentage-phone threats.” Other bystanders reported seeing “shady characters” in hooded sweatshirts fraternizing with each other in the Price Center Charging Station “probably harassing women and dealing cocaine.” After the incident, Paul’s

PHOTO By jack yang

iPhone could not be resuscitated, and died during transit. Paul Kollis, who held Paul’s iPhone until its death, expressed regret that the iPhone could not be saved. “I feel like I should just upgrade to an iPhone X now, but those are so expensive and I feel like the iPhone 11 or whatever is going to be so much better. I do need a phone though, and you can’t see the screen through the cracks on this one anymore, so I’m going to let it die and buy a used iPhone 8.” Kollis has since found a new phone to accompany him, as well as his own Anker PowerCore. “Finally, dude,” commented Kollis, “next time I need to charge my phone portably, I won’t have that asshole Darrel throwing a heavy-ass charger directly at my phone.”

Local Scientists Discover New “Soon to Be Extinct” Species

his week the Democratic National Committee announced the winner of the Democratic Primaries will be chosen through a “battle royale.” While the details aren’t clear of what the DNC actually meant with this statement, many chief analysts have chimed in on what they believe the statement means. NBC’s Chuck Todd speculated, “The most probable route of this battle royale is that the Democratic nominees will play a battle royale style game, where whoever wins the private tournament will be dubbed the Democratic choice. I believe the DNC is using this format to appeal to the youths, just like how Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appeals to young people with her radical ideas and cool dance moves. Ultimately, while there are many games to choose from, most likely it will come down to Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds, Fortnite, or Apex Legends. The primaries are still a while away though, which means any new coming battle royale game may be a contender for the platform. I mean, Tetris 99 came out earlier this month and already many Democrats have been challenging Nintendo users to Tetris Battles so that they can be ready for the primaries.” Other commentators appear more confident in the DNC’s meaning, such as CNN’s Gloria Borger who reported, “The battle royale game will most definitely be Fortnite. Leaked footage from Elizabeth Warren’s campaign movement shows her attempting to floss and do the “dab” dance. It’s speculated that at least 30 candidates will participate in a private Fortnite tournament in which all skins, dances, and other cosmetic items purchased with Super PAC-funded V-Bucks will be banned.” Brett Baier of Fox News shared on the air, “The Dem-

ocrats won’t actually play any real battle royales. They want to take our guns away, so you think they’d play a violent video game? They’re definitely going to play Tetris 99 or something of that strain. Those snowflakes would probably quiver at the mention of an AR-15. Anyway, back to the real news, Donald Trump just ran over a child in a wheelchair and now the violent leftist group Antifa are calling it ‘insensitive and cruel.’ Here’s why it’s not … ” A DNC leaker reached out to reporters under the pseudonym of “Hernie Flanders,” calling the battle royale “The Real Deal.” The leaker released a statement on voicemail, saying, “The candidates are really going to battle it out in an arena. Now that Hillary is out of the election after totally butchering 2016, a battle royale is really the only fair way to choose the democratic leader of the free world. She really screwed me — I mean us over in 2016 and my team is making sure that won’t happen again. We can’t have another four years of Trump. I’ve heard Bernie Sanders, really a nice guy, has over one million Twitch subscribers, and he can also bench 500 pounds and crush a watermelon in his palm. If I were to bet on one of these candidates, it would definitely be him.” In response to the DNC, the Republican Party is also seeming to cater towards the younger generation. Last night, the GOP announced via Twitter that they would be hosting a Minecraft Let’s Play for all conservatives who “enjoy playing the internet.” Donald Trump is reportedly preparing a Minecraft Hunger Games for any potential opposition to his second term. He followed up the announcement by tweeting a picture of a Fortnite battle royale victory screen captioned: “Buying these VBucks was the best trade deal in the history of all deals.”

TOP Ten

Reasons Why the Floor Is Caving in Dr. Chang said, “Let’s call it a day and have the paleontologists come in tomorrow.” By David Vereau Gorbitz Managing Editor

ast month, scientists from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography published an article in scientific journal Nature that delineates a newly discovered species of fish. The species, though officially named “Salmo thermoocisus,” has been referred to as the “Global Warming Salmon,” and is reportedly the first species of fish to be named after its natural predator. Its natural habitat is the polar ice caps, and it has adapted to very cold climates where its slow metabolism allows it to go weeks without feeding. The microorganisms it feeds on have also only recently been discovered, but scientists have reportedly refrained from officially naming the fish because “it’s just going to go extinct with the

rest of that ecosystem and we don’t want to get attached.” The discovery of the species has sparked interest within UCSD itself. Chancellor Pradeep Khosla responded to this discovery in a Facebook post: “Hey guys, did you know that SIO is a pretty big part of UCSD? I was wondering why my Google Maps app said campus was within walking distance from the beach, but now I get it.” Khosla also mentioned that he had requested two parking spots to be added near SIO “with the hopes of encouraging more people to take an interest in SIO and to promote more research, like I’ve been actively doing for a long time now, of course.” Dr. Clement Chang, the principal investigator in the paper said, “The GW Salmon is also an unnerving alarm. It is the first ever species to be

discovered and immediatley be classifed as ‘critically endangered.’ It’s very niche habitat, combined with global warming and its natural food source disappearing, make it a prime candidate for early extinction. Due to the already small ice caps, we really cannot make an estimate of how many GW salmon there are still in the wild.” This publication has sparked a debate between scientists and members of the Mostly Old, Republican, Old-fashioned, and Naive Society (MORONS). The MORONS came forward to share their insights about the new discovery: “My TV told me it’s all fake news and lies. There is no such thing as global warming,” said one elder MORONS member who wished to remain anonymous. “God has just

PHOTO By Jessica Ma

created this beautiful creature, and I am sure He will create more when He needs to. This entire paper is just a smokescreen trying to cover up mistakes from researchers! They know they were wrong and now they cannot admit it!” Dr. Clement Chang has thus far not responded to the MORONS, but did comment about the future direction of his research. “With the spotlight on us, we are finally getting some money to do the research we’ve been trying to dedicate our whole lives to. Not all research has to be about cancer to get funding, you know? Wait, don’t put that in. Shit, people are going to think I’m an asshole now and my grants will be taken away. I love cancer! I mean, I love cancer research! Crap, please still give us money.”

10. Your hoarding habit is getting bad 9. It’s on top of quicksand 8. You’ve been begging for a new Xbox and it’s had enough 7. You were trying to break the glass ceiling but you missed 6. The floor bought apple-bottom jeans and boots with the fur 5. Your plan to smash that spider with a sledgehammer was poorly thought out 4. You built your house on top of journalistic integrity 3. She took the floor in the divorce 2. You just had to say, “How could this day get any worse?” 1. You still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room

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El Chapo Given Pardon by Trump, Becomes New Secretary of Commerce

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President Trump said, “all you people out there calling me racist must feel pretty dumb right now.” By Adian Valdez

Assistant Copy Editor

oaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the former leader of the Sinaloa Cartel who was recently convicted on drug trafficking charges, has been given a presidential pardon in a surprise intervention by President Trump and subsequently hired as the new Secretary of Commerce. On March 11, President Trump issued a presidential pardon to Guzman, citing his “incredible work ethic and tough business attitude” as grounds for the sudden act of amnesty. Within the day, Guzman was transported from maximum security to New York’s Trump Tower. Passersby noted Guzman making “thumbs-ups” and “finger guns” at observers, and at one point stopping to “floss” at some children. “Freeing El Chapo was a great decision. The best,” said President Trump at the following press conference.

“Doing this is hitting two birds with one stone. One: we get a real businessman as our new money guy, one who isn’t afraid to get tough. Also, he’s an expert on bad dudes bringing drugs over our exposed border. With him, the wall will be even more magnificent. Glorious. Bigly. He’s the best guy to stop the drugs coming over our border, believe me.” Upon the president saying this, one reporter threw his notepad in the air and stormed out of the conference room, yelling, “This is some ‘Twilight Zone’ shit.” “Secretary Guzman would like to say that he is grateful for the opportunity to serve our country,” said a spokesman for Guzman. “When he takes office next week, he will execute his plan to cut deficits and maximize profits — beginning by executing Chinese market heads to get a leg up on the trade war. From there, Secretary Guzman will encourage job growth in the pharmaceutical narcotic de-

velopment sectors, trucking/ shipping businesses, and international trade. He’s so proactive that he’s already got a tremendous deal signed with several Colombian business organizations to promote these new policies.” Guzman’s flash confirmation by the Senate won by a slim majority with Republicans voting “yes” and Democrats voting “no” with each senator following partylines.“Hiring a convicted leader of a drug empire to serve in the federal government? Hell, we’ve done worse,” remarked Chuck Grassley, the Republican senator from Iowa. “I’d take it to the Supreme Court, but we both know how that would go,” said Robert Menendez, Democrat senator from New Jersey, dejectedly. “Chapo would just slip Kavanaugh some angel dust and he’d go right through. Beer ain’t the only thing Kava likes enough to mention 29 times during a hearing.” The Republican deci-

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sion was reportedly made last-minute at the direction of Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell. An anonymous source claimed that prior to the vote’s announcement, they overheard a phone conversation McConnell had in the hallway during a recess. McConnell reportedly whispered, “Donald, this wasn’t in the fucking script. Everyone’s asking me what to vote on this, and I didn’t get any direction from you. You can’t just spring things like this on us, do you expect us to actually think for ourselves?” “El Chapo’s gonna do a great job. Tremendous,” said President Trump. “He’s smart. Nobody else would have thought to station Department of Commerce agents at border checkpoints instead of CBP, except me. El Chapo’s an upstanding guy, unlike liar Michael Cohen or the 42 other terrible quitters I’ve had the last two years. I hire the best people. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.”

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Lucky Charms Releases New Limited-Edition Cereal Containing Live Snakes

Sphinx Price: $172,000,000

Featured Stores Fruit of the Room

Each box comes with a warning label reading: “Children may be a choking hazard for the snake.” By Rowan Cosme Staff Writer

ucky Charms recently released a new promotional cereal to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, reportedly taking inspiration from stories of St. Patrick himself by including snakes alongside each bag of marshmallow cereal. However, many consumers have expressed concern over the interpretation of the holiday, citing live, venomous serpents they found in their breakfast. “I came downstairs after I heard my daughter scream,” stated Rachel Pial, a local mother and veterinarian, “I was surprised to see that she had a rattlesnake sitting right next to her bowl. Luckily, I always keep a shovel by my bed, but my daughter was so scared that she had lost her appetite completely.”

Pial, and many other local citizens, have stated that the promotion is “strange” and “dangerous.” The creative design team at General Mills, however, have completely dismissed the regards, saying that the animals are only a temporary promotion and that the danger will only persist for a month or two longer. One company representative, Brian Johnson, expressed confusion as to why consumers were disappointed in the promotion. “Snakes are a classic symbol of St. Patrick’s Day, right?” asked Johnson, “So getting a snake is no different from getting one of our clovers or a toy figure of Lucky. All the snakes will probably be valuable in a year or two, right? They’re limited edition collectors’ toys, people!” Despite Johnson’s asser-

tion, many customers still demand that the cereal be recalled. The creators’ public responded to these demands by reportedly plugging their fingers into their ears and singing loudly. This only led to the protestors shouting their complaints louder, including “My daughter is in the ER,” “There’s a snake loose in my house,” and “Bring back the yellow moons.” One such man, Brendan O’Leary, has created a group called St. Patrick’s Children with the goal to buy all the snake-filled boxes so they can release them without too much injury to the general population. “If they won’t recall the cereal, we’ll have to do the next best thing,” O’Leary explained. “We members of St. Patrick’s Children are citizens who want to keep eve-

PHOTO By Jack Yang

ryone else safe. We’ve gotten a lot of questions about our name, though. So to clarify, we’re just helping children stay safe; our members are not actually children and we know nothing of St. Patrick’s paternity information.” O’Leary and his group are accepting donations from all who are willing to help pay. Though many have expressed concern over where the remaining money may go once the snakes are returned, O’Leary claims that he plans to donate those funds to the local Snake Bite Treatment Center. St. Patrick’s Children’s first assignment is reportedly recovering the charity donation they had made one month earlier, 50 boxes of Lucky Charms for the Children’s Snake Allergy Hospital.

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Life After the Flood Apocalypse

We heard the threats from scientists, but we didn’t listen. Now we’re stuck 20 feet underwater after Antarctica has completely melted from the excess of greenhouse gases. This isn’t the future that we were promised in cool science fiction movies, but welcome to our new reality! Come on in, the water’s fine!

Evolutionary Adaptations of Humans Our nation’s best evolutionary biologists have developed a theoretical model showing a glimpse of what our species will look like in the foreseeable, watery future.

Blowhole for breathing and intimidation

Larynx can be used for echolocation

Extremely sharp teeth to handle new diet of seals and sunfish

Torso develops gills

Flood Literature The worldwide aquatic situation has inspired great writers to create the most significant literary works of our time. Here are some titles no post-apocalyptic book club can miss!

Brine and Punishment The desperate, young sea snail Gastrolnikov is short on money, and devises a scheme to murder an elderly prawnbroker. Calamity strikes when his plan goes awry, and Gastrolnikov must maintain his sanity while being pursued by the authorities, creeping at an agonizing pace. Readers will be left wondering: Why are these chapters so long? Does this book ever end?

Jane Wateyre Mermaid Jane Wateyre grows up in Atlantis, where she suffers from discrimination towards her dysfunctional gills. This troubled childhood strengthens Jane’s morale — proving necessary when she tries to escape Atlantis. Though, when she finds out her gills are more dysfunctional than she thought, she must make a choice. Should she continue in her journey to the surface, even if it means she may drown? A novel of intensity, Jane Wateyre will leave readers “breathless.”

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Ways the World has Changed • “Blue Planet III: Holy Fuck” has been released • There’s mass deforestation because everyone has been attempting to build arks • Mount Everest is now a lighthouse • There’s no government now, just pirates, but we have better healthcare • National Geographic has been changed to National Oceanographic • The oceans have combined into the Pacifatlanticinidiarctic Ocean

A riveting novel that narrates the tale of SeaBhassan, a sea bass that was born without a left pectoral fin. After several seasons of trying to swim upstream into ponds to mate unsuccessfully, SeaBhassan enlists the help of his childhood toy: his Green Highlander kite. Made a social pariah by his physical disability, SeaBhassan has to learn to accept himself and know that his value is more than his physical appearance.

She Sold Seashells: The Betrayal of Captain Seashells at the Battle of the Seashore This historical nonfiction tells the Battle of the Seashore that took place in the year 3825. After the merpeople of America tried to conquer the island nation of Nebraska, the Queen of Nebraska sent Captain Seashells to ward off the American merpeople. The initial confrontation between the two groups was peaceful, but after a Nebraskan sailor smuggled weapons to the Americans, the diplomacy turned into a violent war.

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Aqua-technology The apocalyptic flooding of our entire planet has lead to some slight lifestyle changes, but humanity has been able to innovate and adapt so we can thrive in the new environment.

Oxygen Blaster

Protecto-ball

Boat Shoes

VR Land

Things to Take On the Ark You need an ark to have a chance to survive the aquatic dystopia, of course. After civilization fell into the sea, you need to be self sufficient. Make sure you remember to bring these vital items:

Small bucket for spills Framed portrait of Al Gore

20-sided-die and a rich imagination

Twinkies

Ruth Bader Ginsburgâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s second backup lung

Two Bird scooters so they can procreate

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Local Irish Person Comes Out, Favorite Color Is Actually Blue

EDITORIAL

Promise You Won’t Get Mad, But ...

By Michael Cohen Former Lawyer for Donald Trump

“They just don’t understand how I feel,” said Thomas. “I guess you could say I’m feeling blue.” By Hanaa Moosavi Staff Writer

n March 12, 26-yearold Irish man Brian Thomas decided to tell his family that he preferred blue over green. It had reportedly taken “years of anguish and soul-searching” for Thomas to come to this conclusion. “I would look at the green apple popsicles at the ice cream stand and be reminded of home,” Brian said, choking, “but when I saw the Firecracker popsicles in the corner of the menu, I knew which popsicle was the right choice. It was like I was betraying my entire country by choosing blue raspberry over green apple, but my hand rejected the apple. I had to choose the one that I wanted to actually eat.” Thomas, a store clerk

from South Carolina, is a self-proclaimed “patron of Irish culture.” Thomas told reporters, “I wear my heritage as a badge of pride; it means so much to me that I even made stickers of it,” said Thomas, amidst placing a “pinch me, I’m not green!” sticker on a stop sign. “I put them all over my hometown, even in towns I don’t live in, just so that people know how Irish I really am. I am a proud Irish man! I come from the greatest greenery on Earth, where the sun shone warm on my face everyday and the rain pelted me as I would run inside.” At local pubs, Thomas reportedly challenges men to drinking battles, often winning and belting the phrase: “May the Irish spirit bless you next time because today — you drank like an American weakling.” Thomas comes from a

family of seven: four girls, one boy, one father, and a mother — all farmers of the russet potato. As potato farmers, the Thomas family follows “the heart and soul of the russet.” Where the russet desires to be sold, the Thomases go to take advantage of economic demand. This business took the family away from Ireland during Brian’s childhood, bringing him to America. Thomas told reporters, while dining on corned beef and cabbage soup, “Coming to America was like stepping into a new world, completely different from the grassy fields of my homeland. There were huge skyscrapers, loud traffic, and not one potato field in sight! This is what really pushed me to finally come out to my parents.” “I started the conversation by saying that there was

PHOTO By Jack Yang

something on my mind and how confused I had been feeling. When I looked at my dad, I could tell that he knew exactly what I was going to say. That’s when I decided to launch into the news. I said I was no longer in love with the green of our mother country,” Thomas said, fidgeting with his leprechaun wallet and clover keychain, “I told them no more leprechaun chases and playing with Kelly at the corner shop. I loved blue now. I loved American waters.” Agnes Thomas, Brian’s mother, described her response to the event: “Why would I care if he doesn’t like the color green? We moved here when he was two-yearsold. He knows nothing about Irish culture. It’s like some American drew a leprechaun on a potato while they were drunk and told him ‘this is you,’ and he embraced it like it was spoken by the Heavens.”

Premed Student Downs Four Red Bulls and Adderall Daily, Believes He Will Be a Great Doctor

PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

“Someday, I hope people will pay me for drinking Red Bull and maybe doing surgery every now and then,” said Stephenson. By Steven Zhou

Assistant Content Editor

CSD premed student Enzo Stephenson recently posted a photo of himself on Instagram posing at his desk with several empty bottles of Red Bull and Adderall. His description read: “Just need 4 Red Bulls and a couple of Adderall a day to keep my head in the game!! Harvard med, Johns Hopkins… get ready for one of your future doctors!!!!” This post has since gone viral, reaching over 12 million likes and one million comments. Premed students around the country find Stephenson’s post to be “hella on point.” Jamal Hampton of Ohio State University commented, “OMG this is sooo relatable @premedted @MDorDeath lets go take some Adderall together later!” Karissa Lin from University of Washington also

responded, “Wow, so true. My blood pressure right now is 163/94, and I’m just getting started tonight!” Reporters contacted Stephenson to gain further insight into what the National Institutes of Health have called his “idiotic health decisions.” Stephenson replied in a letter, “All I’ve ever wanted since I was a kid was to be a doctor. But with such high standards to even have a chance at getting into med school, I realized I needed to give up sleep and a little bit of sanity to get the grades I need. Naturally, I turned to Red Bull and Adderall to give me those results, and they’ve been great for my lifestyle. It also gives me a sense of what it would be like to be a doctor, and I think I can handle being stressed 24/7 for the rest of my life.” Many premed clubs at UCSD agree with Stephenson’s

logic. “In our club, we also try to encourage members to beat the curve by spreading false information on Piazza, fazing people out by sharing their astronomically high GPAs, and slitting tires of high-scoring students so they can’t make it to class,” said Adrian Yoshino, the president of UCSD’s Pre-Health Undergraduate Club. “By following PHUC’s strategies of making life as miserable as possible for other people, our members have transformed our campus’ atmosphere into a beautiful hell where only the most cutthroat can survive.” Stephenson’s family and few remaining friends have shown concern over his choices. “All he ever does is study,” said his mother. “I don’t even think he has hobbies anymore. He used to go on daily runs, but all he does nowadays is sit at his desk with bloodshot eyes, reciting

the entire glycolysis pathway by heart.” Stephenson’s friend Nick Tran said, “I managed to get him out of the house once last month to eat dinner with me. But this dude decides to bring his laptop along and do practice problems on critical reading. Like, seriously? Does he realize doctors can have friends and time off as well?” Stephenson is reportedly unconcerned about these comments towards him. Crushing an Adderall pill into his sixth can of Red Bull, he told reporters, “Sure, I’m a little too Type A for my own good, and maybe I get a bit competitive. But you know what? Type As get As. And if I want to become a medical student, that’s the only thing admissions committees will care about. That being said, I’m about to study, so can you guys shut the hell up now? I need to get a 530 on my MCAT to be competitive for med school.”

romise you won’t get mad? Um, I kind of did a bad thing. But I didn’t mean to do it! It just kind of happened, and I know you’re gonna get mad at me, so promise you won’t get mad. You promise? Okay. Well, I kind of helped Mr. Trump commit treason. Wait, you said you wouldn’t get mad! So what happened was that Mr. Trump was working with Russia to make Hillary look like a big meany, and I was gonna tell you — and I wanted to tell you — but Mr. Trump was like “you should lie.” I mean, he didn’t say it out loud, but he looked at me and I knew he wanted me to lie. So Mr. Trump is the real liar-liar-pants-onfire, not me! I’m sorry I lied. And don’t get mad, but there is some other bad stuff I did. You know that porn star that Mr. Trump said he didn’t have sex with? Well, he had sex with her. And that Playboy bunny Mr. Trump said he didn’t have sex with? Well, he had sex with her, too. And I paid them not to tell people. Wait a minute. Don’t get mad at me! It’s not like I’m the one who had sex with them! I just bribed them not to tell people so Mr. Trump wouldn’t look bad! So,

really, I helped them by giving them money! Okay, you look mad. But I did more bad stuff for Mr. Trump that you should know about. You know how Mr. Trump isn’t that smart? Well, he made me threaten his high school not to release his grades or SAT scores. This one isn’t even my fault, though! I just did my job as his lawyer to send intimidating letters to his school. And they weren’t even mad, so you shouldn’t be mad either! That’s not all. There are other things I need to tell you. Mr. Trump didn’t have bone spurs and he thinks black people are stupid and he didn’t even want to be president in the first place! You aren’t mad at me are you? Like I said earlier, Mr. Trump is a racist and I’m Jewish, so I’m the real victim here! Mr. Trump is a stupid, big meanie and probably wouldn’t have gotten away with half of these things if I hadn’t helped him, but that’s not even important anymore. What’s important is that I’m telling the truth now, even though I lied to your faces a year-and-a-half ago. But that wasn’t even my fault then! Some other lawyers changed my statement and made me lie in the first place! I promise I didn’t want to lie — it just happened, and I didn’t mean it! Am I gonna get in trouble? Because I have a wife and kids, and if I get in trouble, they’re gonna ground me forever! I’m sorry I lied. And I’m sorry Mr. Trump made me do bad things that I didn’t wanna do. But I know you have it in your hearts to forgive me. I have a check right here written out to “Congress.” Just tell me your price, and we will forget this whole thing ever happened!

TOP Ten

Similarities Between April Fool’s Day and Your Final Exams 10. They remind you of your wasted potential 9. You celebrated both by putting a stink bomb inside your professor’s car 8. You didn’t expect to be drunk 7. Both have an approximately 13 percent chance of sending you to the hospital 6. You spent the entire time blaming your noxious gas on a whoopee cushion 5. They make you want to drop out of college 4. You would have felt better if you had just stayed in bed 3. They both have gone on long enough 2. You started to laugh-cry at the absurdity of it all 1. You forgot to participate

Archie vs. Riverdale by Miranda May

March 13, 2019

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First-Year Revelle Student Actually Reads the Assigned Reading

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

“I’ve never heard of the Bible before this class, but it was such a good read. I can’t believe it’s not more popular,” said Sedah. By Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Captain

n February 15, after seeing “see me after class” as the grade on his first paper, first-year Revelle student Adam Sedah has signfigantly changed his academic approach to the required Humanities 1 course. Sedah shared his epiphany to his suitemates, saying, “I think it might be a good idea to actually try reading the books. Maybe they’re called ‘required reading’ for a reason.” Revelle College is known for its rigorous six-unit general education courses focusing on ancient kingdoms, and are infamous amongst students as “GPA wreckers.” According to a recent study, 82 percent of premed students in Revelle College were rejected from their top 10 medical schools because of their lackluster GPA, with many students attributing it to the college’s humanities program.

Several of Sedah’s classmates recall their TA, a philosophy graduate student, recommending that he should attempt to “actually read the texts and write the essay himself” rather than write a “halfassed SparkNotes summary” on the topic. One classmate, Sarah Foyer, shared her opinion on the TA: “She’s doing her PHD in philosophy, how am I supposed to even write something that she won’t question the existence of? The other day I told her I would’ve been on time to discussion if I hadn’t missed the bus, but she was like, ‘Oh no, you see, you don’t know that … nobody knows that … that’s like saying you would have become president if you left five minutes earlier.’ She doesn’t make any sense!” When asked to comment on the advice she gave to Sedah, the TA claimed that she was joking. “You think that anyone who’s not a monk can read anything that dry? Bro,

this stuff’s old as hell, I said it cause I get paid to.” Foyer also commented on the TA’s advice to Sedah, saying, “That’s absurd that he wants you to read the books. Nobody reads the books, some of us are just better at bullshitting than others. I mean, it worked throughout high school, so it has to work here too.” Adam Sedah reportedly took the advice of his TA, to the surprise of many, and chose to read the next assigned reading, the Bible. Sources report that Sedah received an “A+” after turning in his essay. Many of his classmates reportedly shared that they were amazed. When asked to comment on his grade, Sedah said “I literally just read the book. Nothing more to it than that.” Other UCSD students have expressed doubts regarding Sedah actually reading the Bible. One fourth-

year Revelle student, a devout member of UCSD’s Christian Society, appeared suspicious of the circumstances, saying, “I think we’ve got some sort of Watergate going on here. There is no way anyone can read that shit, it’s so goddamn boring.” Others reportedly believe the situation involves “personal relationships” between Sedah and the TA. “One time, I saw Adam and the TA pop out of the janitor’s closet next to the classroom,” said an anonymous student. “Something tells me that God wasn’t with them in the closet that day.” As a result of his A+, Sedah has since been appointed as the new Director of Humanities Program, replacing the former director Stephen Cox, who admitted to never reading the assigned readings himself. Sedah plans on abolishing the humanities program and replacing it with a program centralized around the “makings of the modern world.”

Local Student Pledges to Join Clubs and Attend Office Hours Next Quarter

Nelson said, “I’ll go to the next lecture,” for the 26th time this quarter before going back to bed. By Quoc Tran Staff Writer

ocal third-year engineering student Abigail Nelson recently promised herself that she would be more proactive in her college experience by utilizing campus resources and social groups available to her. In the early hours of Thursday morning, she made this news public in a Facebook post, stating she would “join a club or two and go to office hours, or something.” Nelson later commented on the same post that she would begin her plan when the Spring 2019 quarter begins. Sources close to her reported that Nelson was “struggling with a paper due and a midterm to study for the next day” when she created the post. One source reported, “Abby’s been having a pretty tough and stressful time. She told me she regrets

not doing more throughout the quarter and it’s like Week Nine now or something, so it’s kinda late.” One of Nelson’s freshman year suitemates said, “She’s a pretty good student, but she always ends up procrastinating. Actually, I guess she’s not really that good of a student.” Reporters were able to find Nelson at Price Center surrounded by hordes of students who had seen her post, anxiously spectating her as she attempted to get more involved with school activities. Nelson was observed eating lunch while watching “Finding Dory” on her laptop instead of studying for her upcoming oceanography midterm. When asked about which explicit actions she would take these following quarters, Nelson remained non-committal, only repeating her promise to get more involved in student

organizations and to go to office hours for classes she was struggling in. She ended her statement by muttering something about “going to the gym.” Nelson’s supporters believe that her plan to improve herself academically and socially will work. Jason Friedberg, a close friend, tells reporters, “I’ve heard that if you get more involved in school, it’ll pay off,” echoing a belief held by many students at the university. “I might also try it out myself, next quarter of course.” Critics of her proposal however point out that it’s unheard of for a student to turn themselves around partway through the year. “I’ve been through the whole ‘reinvent myself’ routine every single quarter,” said fourth-year John Buck. “I think the reality is some people are just lazy pieces

POINT

No Son of Mine Will Swear in This Household By Damon McMann Disappointed Father

on, come here. Get your old man a beer from the fridge. Thanks. While you’re here, I wanted to have a talk with you. I know you’re getting older and becoming your own person — which is important — but your mother and I had a talk. We both agree that while you’re under our roof there are some ground rules that you’re going to need to abide by. I know what you’re thinking: “Fine Dad, I won’t vape in the house.” And yeah, I think the vaping should ABSOLUTELY stay outside the house, but that’s not my main concern. My main concern is with your language. I know that you’re young, and maybe you think it’s cool to swear, but it’s not. It’s unnecessary, and furthermore, it’s uncouth. Just yesterday, your mother heard you swearing in your room with the door locked. Maybe you didn’t hear her, or maybe you didn’t care, but she came bawling to me. I don’t know what you and your friends do,

but that kind of stuff needs to stay out of the house. And while you’re at it, you need to watch your tone. The “how” and “what” of your words have a big impact on the people around you. Think of how much your little sister looks up to you. What do you think she’s going to do if she hears you swearing around the house? It’s bad enough we have to tell her not to vape as much as you do, but swearing? That’s where we draw the line. Look, I don’t want to be the bad guy or anything, but I want to make sure that you’re best prepared for the future — I’m only looking out for you, godammit!

COUNTERPOINT

I’ve Already Taken the Oath of Office, and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It By Hank McMann

Youngest US Senator

ad, I appreciate your concern, and I understand why you’re laying down the law, so to speak. But I have something to tell you. I tried to keep it a secret because I knew you wouldn’t like it, but I was just sworn into office earlier this month. And before you get angry at me, you need to know that public service is something I’ve wanted to do ever since I was a kid. I’ve pretended to swear on books, religious texts, random social artifacts, anything to make me feel like I was making a difference in my community. But now that I’m an elected official, I’ll be able to make a change for real, and start to enact meaningful policies that benefit the masses. I’m kind of amazed that nobody else has tried that yet, honestly. As for my tone, I would hope that the “how” and “what” of my words have an impact — we’re trying to get single-payer healthcare

passed, for Christ’s sake. I need all the impactful words I can get! Likewise, I’m glad that my sister looks up to me. I think it’s fantastic that she’s swearing so early, as I think you’ll agree that we need more women in politics. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that from now on, I’m not going to swear in the house anymore. I’m in the senate now. Going forward, the only swearing I’ll be doing is on a book — once approximately every six years as determined by the electorate.

PHOTO By Jack yang

of crap, and Abigail needs to just accept that about herself and move on. Next quarter though, of course.” Supporters held that involvement would lead to better academic performance, but added that rather than attempting this feat next quarter, with the year already two-thirds gone, it would be better to “wait until Summer Session or maybe the next school year.” Following her interview, Nelson backtracked on her Facebook statements, citing the final “Game of Thrones” season as her “final guilty pleasure before buckling down on school.” She has also requested help on her academic schedule, posting: “Anyone have experience changing majors from engineering to something easier? Also, how much do underwater basket weavers make a year?”

Bye Bye, Butterfree by Andrew Sitko

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Study Shows Journalism to Be Sexiest Career

Trump Space Force Returns From Reconnaissance Mission, Reveals That Space Is "Just Like Halo"

PHOTO By Stephen lightfoot

“Sorry, Cortana usually writes my speeches, but in this world she’s just some shitty Siri knock-off,” said Master Chief. by Andrew Sitko

Social/Publicity Ottoman

PHOTO By jessica ma

“Have you ever wanted to find out what sensationalism means?” asked Asahi. By Dexter Hamilton

Assistant Content Editor

recent study conducted by the American Press Institute revealed that pursuing a career in journalism is the most effective path for increased perceived attraction. The study contained many sections, including one where participants were asked to rank attractiveness after being shown the descriptions of careers. Careers included firefighters (“uses hundreds of gallons of water to stop a natural process”); bodybuilders (“spends all day indoors lifting things, drinking milkshakes”); and of course, journalists (“tirelessly researches, informs the public, saves the world”). API spokesperson Brandon Asahi stated, “Many seem to be unaware of jour-

nalism as a career path, and those who are aware seem to have major misconceptions. I don’t think anyone who has seen a journalist is surprised by the results. We hope this will bring young talent into our field, and portray just how glamorous our careers really are.” Asahi later added privately, “If I have to read another top ten list masquerading as news, I’m going to scoop my eyes out with a melon baller.” The study, “Journalism is Hot, We Swear,” had varied responses among people in other fields. Jennifer Alison, a professional model, responded to outreach by saying, “It just doesn’t make sense. I spend all my time focusing on refining my body and trying to be as attractive as I can, and you’re telling me that people informing the public of the world’s

events are sexier?” NFL player Cameron le Monde had tears in his eyes as he declared, “I’m not going to spend my last 10 years of having a functioning brain being less desirable than somebody sitting on their laptop in Starbucks writing a few words every couple of hours. As such, I am announcing my retirement, effective immediately.” Later in the week, he would sign a contract for 168 million dollars over six years with the LA Times. The collegiate public, to whom the study is particularly relevant, also had varied responses. When shown the results, a local college student said it was “unsurprising,” and that the newspaper organizations on campus “are total smokeshows. Like damn.” Other students were less enthusiastic, with 15 percent of those polled saying that

they thought newspapers and journalism were “one of those things their parents made up to mess with them, like the Tooth Fairy or retirement.” Another student, Briana Cortez, commented, “I don’t deal well with death, why are you asking me about this?” In the time after the study’s release, journalism programs nationwide have seen enrollment numbers quadrupled. One student, who had already been in the program for two years, expressed satisfaction with the study, saying she was thrilled “that people are finally recognizing the unparalleled sex appeal of journalism.” Another was less pleased, saying, “I’m already tired of people thinking I’m here for the lifestyle and sex. I just want to write about how messed up the world is. Is that too much to ask?”

The MQ's Food Pyramid

Eating healthy shouldn’t be so difficult for college students. That’s why we’ve brought in a professional dietician to help you develop and reinforce good dietary habits so you can stay focused on the things that truly matter.

Sleep Microwaveables

Drugs and Alcohol

Roommate’s Food

Energy Drinks

Dietician Tips on Eating Like a College Student

1. Arrange your classes during meal times to save money 2. If you find yourself staying awake without energy drinks, increase your caffeine consumption 3. Replace meals with Clif Bars if you’re in a rush

4. Make sure to eat either too much or too little. There’s no inbetween in college 5. Scented candles can be used as breakfast substitutes 6. Bathe yourself in barbecue sauce for an easily accessible snack

A recon team from the Trump administration’s Space Force sent to explore the universe in mid-2018 has finally returned from their mission outside the solar system. Sergeant Major Avery Johnson recounted the journey: “I don’t know what we stumbled upon.” Johnson showed a picture of a large, metallic ring in the middle of space. “Whether it's just a giant hula hoop or God’s anti-son-of-a-bitch machine we weren’t about to let those split-jaw lizards have it. I didn’t officially record what we saw other than this photo, but on the way home, I drew up a bunch of really cool futuristic guns someone could make for us to shoot them with. That makes me excited to see them again. I think a sequel trip is on the horizon, and we’ll have better graphics — like high definition screens and stuff — to see what we’re shooting next time.” On the topic of how human-alien relations were handled during the first contact between two different terrestrial species, Johnson said, “Well, I went up to one of the tall, scaly ones and gave him a big ol’ hug.” Johnson chuckled as he continued, “They didn’t seem to be a fan of that since moments later my Lieutenant had a plasma sword through his spleen and our hug turned into a wrestling match. After we dispatched the welcome party, we decided to land on the huge ring that we saw. We couldn’t find anyone living on it, and it wasn’t the lizards’ home for sure, but that was some suspiciously well kept grass. Somebody’s been mowin’ that lawn, and I’m ready to fight ‘em.” Private Richard Bisenti showed a video depicting a floating metal sphere. “This little guy was here while Sarge

was taking a nap. He was really eyeing Johnson while he was asleep and his little light even turned red every once in a while. I tried to show the boys this video as proof, but they said they couldn’t handle the quality. To that, I tried to tell them that Androids are actually the superior class of smartphones in today’s industry, but they said something about how it’s not scientific data or something. I don’t know.” Donald Trump reportedly greeted the team by “bringing the American Heroes a hearty welcome meal” after the voyage. Platters of Wendy’s Baconators, 20-piece Chicken McNuggets, and other fast food goods were arranged on the table. Before dining began, Trump asked to take a picture with the crew, holding Johnson’s hand in what Johnson described as a “violent wrestling pull." The gesture was later clarified to be a handshake. Captain Jacob Keyes gave a statement as he bit into a McChicken: “Going into uncharted space and firing at everything that moved was reckless. That's why I’ve planned a return trip to that ring in a week.” Trump has announced the return of the Space Force into the uncharted area of space in the next coming week. “We will take the biggest starships, aren’t they something, and attack any asshole lizards out there. We’ve also been cooking up something, something really great, I’m not supposed to tell you about it, but I’m going to. We have a new program, we are taking children and making them into super soldiers, it's really great, the left will tell you it's sick. Horrible really, they don’t want to protect us from these illegal attacks on our amazing soldiers. We’ve got a man on the case, Master Chief you’ll love him, he’s the best, the strongest man in the world.”

TOP Ten

Reasons Your Uncle Stopped Calling You 10. You stole his identity 9. You stopped sending him birthday money 8. Nobody calls anymore, maybe you should text him instead 7. He used his “phone a friend” on you, but you disappointed him 6. Uncle Sam got mad at you for draft-dodging 5. You drank his good beer 4. He’s with the cool kids now, don’t ruin this for him 3. He found out you’re wearing a wire 2. You accidentally called him “Dad” during your last reunion and things are awkward now 1. He lost his phone

March 13, 2019

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Canyon Vista Dining Hall to Close After Health Inspection

Canyon Vista has recently been criticized for their unique “farm to table” approach. By Isaac Canada Staff Writer

C San Diego Housing, Dining and Hospitality (HDH) announced Tuesday that the Canyon Vista dining hall will close on March 23 after failing its first outside health inspection. Under a new law in effect this year, all UC food facilities must now be inspected by an outside agency. Rather than force HDH to close Canyon Vista immediately, the County of San Diego is allowing the dining hall to stay open until finals week ends while HDH “cleans their food trucks.” “Honestly, I don’t know how it happened,” said Jan Fingersmith, manager of Canyon Vista. “When UCSD EH&S inspected us, we always passed with flying colors. They even put up a little sign with an ‘A’ on it that looks just like the

ones the county gives out.” “This place is, pardon the language, a shitstorm — literally,” said Alex Overland, an inspector with the County of San Diego Department of Environmental Health. “I thought I found rat droppings behind one of the fryers until one of the employees told me they were raccoon droppings. That doesn’t make it any better.” “Rodent droppings, mold in the ice machine, food that says it was made last week … it’s really a laundry list of things. Oh, and ugly uniforms, too,” continued Overland. “When I first walked in, one of the customers told me Cafe Ventanas had worms in their fish. I get the feeling I’ll be here a while. I still don’t know if ‘64 Degrees’ is the name of the dining hall or the temperature they cook the food.” John Glover, a second-year

Marshall student who works at Canyon Vista, acknowledged HDH’s problems. “Honestly, when people ask me what it’s like in there, I tell them they don’t want to know. By the way, to all my coworkers who got a cold after eating the salad I made last week, I’m sorry. But I’m more sorry that there’s no paid sick leave here.” After the inspection on Monday, HDH said in a statement that they are committed to “the highest standards of food safety and quality” and that “this is not reflective of HDH’s restaurants and markets.” HDH reminded employees in a separate memo that “phones and cameras are not permitted while on the job” and that “employees should report health and safety concerns to their managers, not outside agencies. Any concerns reported to people who may encourage the use of money or negative

PHOTO By Jessica Ma

publicity to fix said concerns are strictly prohibited. ” “When we went in there, all we did was put up the sign,” said an anonymous UC San Diego EH&S employee. “We didn’t really check anything. All we did was ask the manager if there were any issues, walked around, and left. We never really followed up on any complaints we heard, because technically, all the complaints on Facebook and Reddit about obviously undercooked food don’t count as formal complaints.” Canyon Vista is expected to remain closed until the next school year. It is unclear at this time if other dining halls will close as they are inspected. An anonymous Sixth student expressed that Foodworx may be spared because “no one even knows that it exists, let alone where it is. As the old saying goes, ‘It’s not poison if nobody eats it.’”

to brief or not to brief INVESTIGATIONS SHOW MCDONALD’S WORKER SET MEETINGS WITH TRUMP Washington DC resident and McDonald’s employee Francis Rex was brought under charges of embezzlement. Rex faces charges for participating in a secret sidebusiness bringing corporate lobbyists into contact with the White House. Rex supposedly operated his business through a McDonald’s establishment near 1600 Pennsylvania, where he received large sums of money from various business magnates to set them up with meetings with the presidential family. This consulting service was discovered when security cameras spotted Rex accepting suspicious briefcases through the restaurant’s drive-thru window. Investigators discovered a website operated by Rex which offered similar services, such as “Trump Photo Op” for $399.99, “Dinner with Trump Family” for $1099.99, and “Donald Jr. Playdate” starting at $1499.99. When interrogated, Rex confessed to the crime. “Trump comes to our location so often, it wasn’t a surprise when I started receiving inquiries from certain parties interested in his whereabouts. You’d be surprised to see the amount of money people are willing to pay to know if Melania is a robot or not.” President Trump declined to comment, claiming he and his family were headed to a “perfectly ordinary day spa” and would rather not be hassled.

LaCroix CEO DECIDES Leprechaun's "Pot to add actual of gold" discovflavor TO PRODUCT ered to be new strain of weed National Beverage Corporation, producer of “vaguely fruit-flavored” LaCroix seltzer water, faces new challenges following the release of a report last Thursday revealing a 39 percent drop in sales. CEO Nick Caporella feels prepared to update the seltzer taste to something that resembles a flavor, rather than what consumers call “uncomfortably carbonated bath water.” “I just don’t understand why people would stop buying our product,” said Caporella in a statement released earlier this week, “but I’m committed to regaining our base of lonely moms and 20-yearolds who think they’re better than you.” Caporella plans to implement “drastic changes” in how flavors are added to their drinks. Instead of the previous method of blowing fruit-flavored vapors into a big pot of Pellegrino and then re-canning the water, LaCroix will now burn tropical-extract essential oils in the same room where they store the seltzer. “Our company hopes this change will convince consumers that our drink is still worth burping for.”

A group of leprechaun hunters recently stumbled upon a new strain of marijuana while attempting to find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. There, researchers discovered a substance containing tetrahydrocannabinol, a chemical similar to THC that causes intoxication in marijuana. “It’s a well-known fact among leprechaun hunters that tetrahydrocannabinol is the surefire mark of either leprechauns or weed. We struck gold by finding both!” The strain, named Irish Munchies, produces a high that is “Irish by nature” and extremely potent. “No wonder leprechauns are so jolly and energetic. They’ve got some good shit!” one researcher said, “It’s a shame that this strain is so rare. I know we were hunting leprechauns in the first place, but it felt bad prying it out of those stoned leprechauns’ hands. We never wanted to hurt the leprechauns — we just wanted to exploit their resources.”

Persephone Refuses to Leave Underworld Due to Climate Change Denial

New Hotel “The Last Resort” Disappoints Dear faithful readers, nothing’s alright. Nothing is fine. I can’t go on living this way. This last weekend has really tested me. Downward spiral. Where do I begin? I thought The Last Resort would be a five-star establishment. But nothing could be further from the truth. I was losing my mind there. My room was a mess. I couldn’t find any clean towels. Finding nothing but questions and devils. And the things I saw there … I don’t think I can unsee the horrors of that hotel. I was living in sin. And I don’t give a fuck about politeness at this point. I thought the saving grace of this hellhole would be the continental breakfast. But I woke up at 9 a.m. and it was too late, ‘cause they stopped serving food at 8:30. Now I’m hungry! And empty within. Feeding on chaos. And shit, I just wanted a bagel. Nothing’s alright, nothing is fine. This is the worst hotel I’ve ever stayed at. Suffocation. No breathing. Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine. But truly it is I who has reached my last resort.

PHOTO By Jan Hsiao

Persephone told reporters, “I’ll go back to Earth when the Styx freezes over.” By Rowan Cosme Staff Writer

he polar vortex that affected the midwestern United States has caused many politicians to further their belief that “climate change is nothing but a hoax.” An interview with Persephone, the Greek goddess of spring and vegetation, revealed that this was actually intended to have the opposite effect. Persephone’s reaction to the severe climate effects was reportedly a mix of extreme anger and sorrow as she explained to her mother she was not planning on returning to Olympus this year. She preferred to stay in the Underworld with her husband, Hades. When asked the reasoning behind her decision, Persephone explained that she believed there was “no point in having spring come forth if the humans aren’t going to acknowledge that there has been a significant change in climate.” “The stupid humans are messing up the environment,” Persephone explained, “And until all those dumb climate change deniers get themselves killed, I’ll have no escape from them. So, until something is done, I’m going to stay down here and let my mother, Demeter, have all Underworld break loose.” This news has caused concern among many, fearing what the effects of an eternal winter would have on quality of life and Earth’s ecosystems. “Until Persephone comes home to bring spring, nothing will be able to grow and food may become scarce,” shared local amateur meteorologist, ecologist, and classicist Anastasia Contos. “The Greeks said it, so it has to be true.” “We have some food stored, and we can source some meat, but we’re looking

at mass famine here,” said Oliver McDonald, a farmer from Ohio. “Personally, I believe all the climate change warnings, but I’m not sure if dying due to starvation is better or worse.” Demeter is reportedly furious at her daughter’s decision. Though she has accepted her daughter’s normal absence after centuries, Demeter has shared that a longer separation from Persephone is something she does not want to experience. “She’s only a child. She shouldn’t be making such decisions on her own,” Demeter stated, “And why does she care about what humans are doing to Earth? If she cared, she’d call me every once in a while instead of spending time with Artemis or her awful husband.” Politicians were uncertain in how to proceed with Persephone’s claim. Reports suggested many of these politicians were treating her statement as “merely a bluff” and that “Demeter will eventually pull her back to Earth, possibly by her ear.” Others are allegedly concerned due to the noticeable drop in temperature, resulting in bill proposals for “temples that honor Persephone, similar to the ones made in ancient Greece.” Persephone reportedly displayed her powers to climate change deniers, as many of them grew flowers on their head every time they used the phrase: “Well, I read an article from Facebook, and … ” As of this report, Persephone is still in the Underworld and does not show signs of leaving. Hades shared, “We’ve been spending many days together now cuddling in blankets while watching old Christmas specials, drinking hot chocolate, and watching those stupid mortals freeze to death. I’ve never been happier or prouder of my wife.”

When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious satire

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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A Treasure Hunter’s Guide to Finding

Four-Leaf Clovers So you’re interested in getting into the four-leaf clover hunt? Well listen here, kid, because I’m the toughest, grittiest, coolest four-leaf clover hunter you’ll ever meet. Whether you’re in it for the thrill, the money, or the possibility of a feature film that will be turned into a LEGO game, this guide is sure to get you the clovers you’re after.

Appraising Your Clover In this dangerous business, it’s easy to get duped by fake clovers. If you really want to make some money in the four-leaf trade, make sure you’re informed on how to assess the worth of your clovers. Check to make sure the clover doesn’t have an extra leaf taped onto it.

What to Bring in Your Backpack A leprechaun’s foot

Hold it up to a light to see if there’s a watermark. If it has one, throw it away — that’s a plagiarized clover.

Acid, so you keep seeing the leprechauns

If it’s made of marshmallow, it’s delicious, but worthless.

Luck-in-a-can

Keep in mind that clovers with college degrees are worth more to employers.

Leprechaundoms

Treasure Map Beware of the richer & hotter treasure hunter that will race you to the prize. Get there before them, and make sure to shield your heart from a romantic subplot.

Be cautious as you traverse Library Walk. Ruthless nomads will prey upon trespassers in a vile process known as “flyering.”

Watch out! Around here there are rumours of a fence blocking your path. Whatever shall you do?

Beware of the Four-Leaf Cleaver, guardian of the Sacred Grove. You can be sure he’ll put you in a pinch, even if you’re wearing green.