THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

GET READY FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYSE

by Karen Lee Turner

Now we've experienced what happens during a pandemic (we all stay a home, and our vehicles become driveway ornaments), it got me thinking about more apocalyptic times, like a zombie outbreak, and about what we would actually need on, and in our vehicles to survive. Obviously, being one of the two people who create this mag, I think a 4x4 is the way to go. Compared to an ordinary 2WD car, 4 wheel drive is essential for getting grip on those slippery, discarded flesh-strewn roads, but although preferable to 2WD, all 4x4s/SUVs are not equal in this quest for survival.

Before you say it, yes, there are things like Unimogs, and the Rezvani Hercules (see earlier in the mag), tanks and big industrial rigs that would undoubtedly protect you more than a car would, but when the zombie apocalypse hits you'll not have much time.

You'll need to head straight to your local showrooms to grab yourself the best vehicle that is readily available - one that you can modify easily, and that will use the finite amount of fuel that remains wisely.

I've compiled a list of essential traits needed. I'm choosing based on what you can buy as standard in the UK now.

HEIGHT

Choose a 4x4 that is pretty tall, as you don't want 1 those pesky shuffling undead to just be able to fall in through your open window and get a tasty chunk of your right arm, do you?

The higher the window, the easier it is to stop them getting the chance. Obviously if you are mechanically useful you could get a lift kit to help out the smaller 4x4, but if you're rolling straight out of the smashed showroom window, both the Land Rover New Defender 110 and Mercedes Benz G Wagen measure a nice 1.97m high.

These lofty vehicles are closely followed by the Land Rover Discovery (1.89m) and the SsangYong Musso (1.87m), but I also wouldn't dismiss either Toyota's Land Cruiser (1.85m) or the Jeep Wrangler (1.85m) as there's only a couple of centimetres in it.

ENGINE/FUEL

We know, from watching The Walking Dead and its ilk, that zombies' hearing seems to stay intact, and may even be heightened as they seem to be able to hear a crack of a twig a 100 metres away, so this is where many 4x4s will fall down at the first hurdle. Although the power may seem attractive when you want to get around, a throaty V8 is probably not the way to go if you want to get around without attracting a flesh-hungry horde, so what are your options?

Well obviously electric would seem like the obvious quiet route, but in an apocalypse the availability of electric hook ups everywhere seems pretty unlikely (I mean you can even find that many now), but with the ingenuity of survivors (which will include a boffin or two, obviously), I'm sure we could have some electricity producing turbine set up in our highly protected encampment.

Therefore electricity is an option, but not until the first wave dies down, and civility returns, so with that in mind, I feel that a hybrid would work best. You could run silent in built up areas, and vroom it up in open spaces, and add the fact that standard fuels will be available wherever you can find a non-blown up petrol station (it goes without saying that the boffins will have worked out how to get at the fuel too), so let's look at which hybrid, and how far we could go running on electric.

Topping the hybrid electric mileage range seems to be the Mercedes Benz GLE 350de with a very healthy 61.5 miles; perfect for trawling round a city looking for essential supplies. The BMW X5 xDrive45e M Sport (51 miles), and Land Rover's Discovery Sport P300e (43 miles) have a good amount of e-mileage too so they are definitely in the 'silent' running.

STRONG FRONT

This may seem a weird choice, but I've thought long and hard about it, and about the ability to cause the most damage to the musty multitude if surrounded.

We definitely don't want one of those aerodynamic fronts that may propel the undead right through your windscreen and onto your lap, no, we want blocky frontage that will cause the most damage. Snapping a leg or two creates a crawling zombie which is a lot easier to dispatch than a standing one.

I feel the Jeep Wrangler's sticking-out whopper of a bumper, combined with it's chunky almost vertical front end has this one snuggly zipped up, but Merc's G Wagen, BMW's X7 and Land Rover's Defender are going to be pretty useful in this category too. (I must remember to disable any pedestrian airbags.)

That said there is a little problem of body bits getting stuck/ going through the front grille when you are dispatching the horde at a good speed, so a little bit of metal mesh modification would be needed in all cases.

TYRES

When heading into the showroom you really want to avoid any vehicles with those prissy low profile efforts. They won't get you anywhere when you have to head into the hills to live the life of an anti-social hobbit. You want to find the one with chunky knobblies on, and if you can't find one (which you probably won't, not in a UK showroom) then make sure once you've grabbed the keys head on down to the nearest tyre shop and loot yourself some nice all-terrains, and maybe a set of mud tyres too.

Oh and whilst you're at it get yourself a few cans of tyre 'gunge' (you know the expanding stuff that inflates your tyres in an emergency), because escaping the mindless munching masses may prove a bit of a time sensitive issue when you get that inevitable flat tyre caused by a stray bit of cranium.

SEATS VS SPACE

There are 2 thoughts to this - if you are planning to live in a protected environment with others, and will primarily need a vehicle for supply runs, then a pick-up or roomy vehicle is the one you want so that you can fill it with all your loot, but if you are planning to be a nomadic hero-type survivor that helps others along the way, then you are going to need a few seats as well as a bit of space for essential supplies.

So is there a vehicle that covers both options?

My immediate thoughts go to a pick-up as the load space is there, and if you go for a double cab the seats are there too, but there is a serious problem with having a space that is open to the outside world. When the zombies get near they could could make you lose your much needed needed swag. Also securing a mish-mashed load without sides could prove tricky in high-pressure situations, so I'd go with either a covered double cab pick-up, or a large interior spaced vehicle, and I am personally swaying towards the large vehicle for the versatility of space and seating.

If you go for a 7 seater then you could big up your hero credentials in a big way, but you would have to be doing all this life saving quite close to home, as even the biggest 7 seaters don't have that much room left for supplies, so I think large 7 seater, but with the back row stashed, would be the way forward. All us oldies know from early life experience you can get at least 9 people in a 5 seater by a lot of lap sitting, and as there would be no police or pesky health and safety rules to stop us, we could do the hero bit without compromising the supply run.

Which would be the best at this double loading?

Coming in at number one is the Land Rover Discovery, as its versatility of space to seat options just blows the competition away. With all seven seats up, the boot size isn't the greatest with only 228 litres (about the same size of a Ford Ka's boot), however with the second and third rows of seats down the voluminous 2,406 litres of space can't be matched, which makes it perfect for stashing a good amount of toilet rolls (as we have recently discovered, loo rolls will probably become the main currency of the future, and they take up a lot of room). Oh, if you are lucky enough to come across one sporting the top trim level, if you flick your foot under the bumper the boot will open, which will really help if you’re arms are loaded with all that mini-mart plunder.

The Nissan X-Trail is the next one to go for as it offers 445 litres of space in 7 seat mode, while 5 seats gets you 565 litres and 1,996 litres with all back seats down. Coming in a decent third is the Volvo XC90, which offers 356 litres of boot space. Fold the third row down, which is easier to do than Land Rover Discovery, and this rises to 1,007 litres. Stow all the seats away and there’s 21,856 litres, plus, with a low loading lip and ‘handsfree’ powered tailgate as standard, it’ll be easier to chuck in the raided contents of your local Bargain Booze.

I'll give a honourable mention to Skoda's 7 seater Kodiaq which has a whopping 2,005 litres space with the all the back seats down (7 seats up = 270 litres & 5 seats up = 630 litres), but it failed to reach my top 3 as it has a more car-like size and ground clearance so I wouldn't pick it for zombie survival unless the others had already been snapped up (probably by other readers of this article!).

GROUND CLEARANCE

One of things that you will have to contend with in the apocalypse is cars strewn around all over the place so off-road ability is a must, but, as I expect most modern 4x4s can handle a bit of the green stuff, the reason I include ground clearance here is mainly for its ability to run over the rotting bodies of wayward zombies with ease. No one wants to get grounded on a stack of squishy skeletal remains.

Land Rover wins this category hands down with the Range Rover having a ground clearance of 11.7", and the Discovery 11.1".

Next up Jeep has a pretty good showing with both the Wrangler Rubicon and Grand Cherokee Trailhawk having a respectable 10.8", and the Volvo XC90 gets on the list with a pretty good 10.5".

ACCESSORIES

Now we all know that a standard out-of-the-showroom vehicle won't last too long without protection, so there are certain essentials to get your hands on.

Boomer Bullbar

Photo - https://boomerbullbars.typepad.com

Top priority has to be a bull bar as those pesky undead can really make a mess of your front end when you plough through them. Preferably make it a decent weighty one that wraps around your lights like this Boomer Bullbar I spotted whilst wandering the internet rather late one night. I'd also go for a bit of undercarriage protection too, as you don't want a pesky femur piercing your fuel tank.

Next up a full length roof rack for your plunder, but I wouldn't go for one with a ladder attached, as you don't want hangers-on, so make sure you get yourself a small telescopic ladder when you head off to swipe some loot from B&Q. Obviously keeping your plunder safe is a priority so load up on plenty of straps, and if you can get hold of off the side jerrycan holders even better.

Talking jerrycan holders, obviously you don't want to forget jerry cans - you'll need some for extra fuel, and some for water. Now if you're down Essex way when the apocalypse kicks off, I reckon you head first to Lifesaver HQ and grab as many Lifesaver Jerrycans 20000UF that you can as their jerrycans hold up to 18.5 litres of water, and are water purifiers capable of filtering 20,000 litres of clean drinking water, removing viruses, bacteria, cysts and parasites instantly. Even better in these no-grid times, there is also a shower attachment for the days when the blood and guts make-up look gets too much even for the hardiest of zombie slayers.

A snorkel would also probably be pretty useful in the later stages of living in a zombie wasteland, where bridges may have collapsed or roads washed away, but it's probably not an essential straight away.

As we are Britain based, yet again Land Rover is the clear winning manufacturer of choice. Access to parts will be pretty abundant as they have dealerships in most big areas, and they have factories based in the UK. Add to that the amount of big and small companies around the country that also do plenty of add-ons, I'm sure somewhere within 10-20 miles of you you'll be able to find some decent kit.

CATEGORY WINNERS

Height - Land Rover New Defender 110 & Mercedes Benz G Wagen

Engine/Fuel - Mercedes Benz GLE 350de

Strong Front - Jeep Wrangler

Tyres - no winner in this one as you can get great tyres for all the vehicles

Seats & Space - Land Rover Discovery

Ground Clearance - Range Rover

Accessories - Land Rover

After collating my findings, these are the top picks in each category, so no definite winner, but when you add in the close runners-up there becomes one clear choice.

Not only did it win in Seats and Space, it also came a close second in height, ground clearance and a respectable third in fuel options.

It's also made by the manufacturer of choice for accessories, and if you add in the fact that there are dealerships aplenty all over the country, I feel I can forgive its one failing - the lessthan-skull-splitting front end.

So if you haven't guessed yet my smash-and-grab Zombie Apocalypse vehicle is the.....

LAND ROVER DISCOVERY!

I think I have proved the Discovery is a cracking all-rounder for the days of desolation, so when it all kicks off you'd better move out of my way, or get ploughed down, as head out to ram-raid the Bolton dealership and grab myself a brand new spanker.

Check out the full magazine to see how I would imagine the Disco would look after I've kitted it out for my zombie slaying exploits.