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Second Issue March / April 2000
A Mag for Freedom’s Sake!
Vancouver’s Own
Strapping Young Lad
An Evening with Devin Townsend
The Donnas
An Exclusive Interview
Alex Chalmers Defying Gravity
Joe ‘Shithead’ Keithley The Power of the Word
Plus: Blinding Light Cinema!!, JP5, Spitfires, Supersuckers, Movies, CDs, Tattoos, Enlightening Mushroom Madness, Porn Theatres
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Issue #2 March / April 2000
Erix Holdings Ltd.
The Nerve Well kids, here we are again, Print Issue #2 and O, what a lovely ride it has been. After having 4000 printed pages of Issue #1 “fall” out of the back of a PDX, yes, that’s right a PDX courier’s truck at 41st and Main St. on their way to the bindery, we couldn’t sue the bastards because we had no money so we spat, swore, kicked crap around and then got stinkin’ drunk and broke furniture to make it all better. But we got it out, goddamn it, and, since the world didn’t blow up or even burn up a little Dec. 31st -like most of us hoped-, here’s another one for ya’ all. But before I go on, someone else has pissed us off who we can’t sue and so we’re gonna piss on them here. Fuck the Money Mart (post office division) on the corner of Hastings and Cambie for all our mail that was lost or stolen last year. There. Our new mailing address (and we apologize if you sent us a letter or death threat or pipe bomb and we never got back to you but Money Mart and their fucked up postal bitches are to blame) our new mailing address is: 165 E. Cordova, Vancouver, B.C. V6A 1K7. So send us your letters, cd’s, $10 for a prayer, or drunkin’ sex pictures of your girlfriends (in all confidentiality, of course), and we’ll be sure to get ‘em this time (thenervemagazinereservestherighttopublishanythingsenttousfoundorstolen:). But, you know, aside from all the angst, the piss offs, the screw overs, the fuck-ups and the bar fights, it’s the little things that really make it all worth while. For instance, we were sitting with Ani Kyd at The Brickyard the night of our launch party when she blurted out, “This magazine is like a breath of fresh air for Vancouver!… because this town sucks.” Rock on, Ani, we say, rock on.
CONTENTS Issue 2 March/April 2000
StrappingYoungLad P. 5
Joe ‘Shithead’ Keithley p. 7-8
The Donnas
The Nerve is going to be published every two months for now and every month, that is, once we get our gambling debts paid off. But enough of that. Without further ado, we’d like to thank all the Nerverts and Nervettes for their hard work and dedication to our dirty little magazine and you, dear sweet reader, for coming again… to The Nerve, that is, unless this is your first time... in that case, we promise to be gentle. The Editors
p. 11
Alex Chalmers p. 16
UNCENSORED and PROUDLY POLITICALLY INCORRECT Viewer discretion advised
SECTIONS
Letters to the Editor: PLEASE help us fill this wonderful section. We here at The Nerve would like nothing more than to let you, the reader, express your love for us in a letter.
Live Wires p. 9-11 Straight 8 p. 17-19 CD Reviews p. 20 Cadence p. 15 Free Energy p. 21 Tattoos p. 6
E-mail: editor@thenerveonline.com Or actually send us a letter: 165 E. Cordova St. Vancouver, B.C. V6A 1K7
Who has the nerve to do this? Publisher: Pierre Lortie Editor-in-Chief: Bradley C. Damsgaard Design and Graphics: Pierre Lortie, Bradley C. Damsgaard, J. S. Peter, Jason LeBlanc Staff Writers: Atomick Pete, A. D. MADGRAS, J. S. Peter, Roseanne Harvey, Jessica Laura, Jason LeBlanc, Liz Wakefield, D. Cat, Billy Tender Flake, Mike O, Jana Ritter, Brian Lindgreen, Amanda Stevens L.A. Correspondent: Jeff Oliver Other Contributors: Paul Kincaid Jamieson Illustration: Mike O, Jessica Laura Photography: Melanie Harrison, Jessica Laura, Jason LeBlanc, Mathew Burrows, wendythirteen Ad Sales: Jason Leblanc Copy Editing: Grace Chin Pre-Press and Printing: Allegra Binding: Advance Bindery Distribution: The Nerve crew in the NerveMobile
COLUMNS No Peace in the Barnyard p. 5 Sick Little Monkeys p. 22 Time to Take the Dog Out Back p. 19
The nerve is published bi-monthly by the Nerve Magazine Ltd. Circulation: 5000 in Vancouver and via subscriptions. The opinions expressed by the writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of the Nerve Magazine, its publisher or editors. First publishing rights only are property of the Nerve Magazine. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in advertisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission. Copyright 2000 The Nerve Magazine Ltd. 165 East Cordova Street, Vancouver, B.C. V6A 1K7
Issue #2 March / April 2000
How to Jump the Border and Become a Big Hollywood Star!
A
pampered millionaire lounges poolside at his Bel Air Mansion. He takes a self-satisfied puff on a thick Cuban cigar, and under the shimmering sun enjoys a sensual wheatgrass massage from his personal assistant Kiki, a former Miss Bikini. Ahhhhhhhh… YES FOOLS, IT IS I! Your Nerve Correspondent in L.A., and as I sip slowly on my aged Chianti, I laugh at your pathetic lives in the rain, with your tattered squeegees and your Che Guevara beepers. I loathe you! Still, I admit to being vaguely sentimental. After all, only weeks ago I was a miserable punk just like you. The fading memories filter through my mind like a plump pair of bazzungaas: Vancouver International Airport, January 28th, 2000… The U.S. immigration officer’s acne-scarred face snarls, fingering me towards his booth for an interrogation. I waddle towards him, my life’s belongings weighing me down under the straps of a small, brick-like bag. “What’s the nature of your visit?” the officer barks. My heart pounds nervousness, “J-J-Just v-visiting a f-f-ffriend.” I manage. He pauses, measuring my lie
letproof window and caught me hard on the forelike a limp willie. “Go through,” he says. I arrive in the City of Angels giddy, and check head. I fell back, collapsing into a bloody heap on into The Shangri Lodge, a seedy motel with the pavement and ready to die: poor, alone and moldy carpets and a hot tub that doubles as a illegal on the cruel streets of America. breeding grounds for spinal Meningitis. I feel I awoke three days later under the harsh glare of a strangely at home in my small flat however, naked light bulb. A rusty ceiling fan sliced the rank and after unpacking, fall into a dreamless sleep air above, and images of Gestapo torture chambers to the ocean-like sounds of the Hollywood freeway. reeled though my mind. But as my blurry eyes opened, I saw the The next morning, I leap out of I take to the phrase ‘pitching friendly, rotund face of your script’ literally, and Helga, a Ukrainian bed and hurl myself headlong stand on the corner of Bervely dairy farmer peering into Tinsletown Blvd. hurling manuscripts into down at me. My head was rested on her tenculture. I purchase passing limousines der bosom, and as she a pirated copy of ‘Final Draft,’ a scriptwriting program that does applied gauze to my head wound, she smiled like a everything but go down on you, and set to work on loving grandmother. “I’ve read your script,” said Helga. “It’s shit. But, I my masterpiece. Slaving over the script by night, I take the only day job shady enough to pay a want to produce it.” “B-b-but, why?” I managed, spittle dribbling Canadian under the table: gathering live audience members for “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” in down my chin. “You chose me as a studio audience member front of Mann’s Chinese Theatre. I hustle well, easily filling my quota of two hundred people per for ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ – When I got show with lonely immigrants and street people – I there, they needed a Russian to be a contestant, and whoop, next thing I now I’m on TV. even get a raise. Still, after two Two life lines later, I was a millionaire.” “No shit?” weeks I quit the job “No shit. And now, my little babushka, with - my screenplay is ready: “Vanquished your script I can fulfill my lifelong dream of in Gomorrah” – the being a Hollywood producer!” We pitched the script to Paramount. Helga hear t-rendering story of a man who turned out to be quite a cut-throat negotiator wakes up one morn- and we both got huge bonuses. So now, here I am, the big Cohona himself, ing to find himself trapped in his own pimp daddy screenwriter Numero Uno, letting Hotmail Account the gentle Bel Air breeze caress my aloe pedi(the plot thickens as cure. I’m hanging with Arnie and Minnie and his ‘Sent Messages’ Benny (yes Affleck). I’ve got it all: real life, not appear only as for- like you slimeballs with your tear soaked welwarded ‘you know fare checks. I am God. Yes! But listen, (and this is just between the two of you’re a Redneck us, capiche?), since my head injury I’ve lost a when…’ jokes). Enthused by the little on the creativity side. I mean, I can’t think promise of my cre- of any original ideas, like, any at all. This could ation, I take to the ruin my career. But hey; you can help me out, phrase ‘pitching right? Heh-heh, I mean, I’m a ‘Nervie’ too - we’re your script’ literally, practically flesh and blood! So whaddya say? and stand on the Help a guy out, willya? Pitch me a good story corner of Beverly idea. Even a bad one. Anything! I’ve got deadBlvd. hurling man- lines to make here. I need something gritty, uscripts into passing something Nerve-like. So? Can ya do it? Prettyplease… I’ll even cut you in. Fifty-fifty! No? limousines. And that’s when it Okay, okay. Sixty-forty? Come on! Jesus, we’re talking BIG moolah here… Seventy-thirty? Are happened. I misjudged the you outta your fuckin’ mind!?! Alright, eightywindow slit of one twenty but… Bastaaaards!! I’LL GET YOU FOR particularly long THIS NEEEERRRVVE!!!… Jeff Oliver limo. The script ricHollywood Correspondent ocheted off the bul-
Issue #2 March / April 2000
For the sake of illustration, let’s take your ment is a NON-SMOKING one proves that all puffed-up-soft and then quit from excesaverage 19-year-old kid and put him out they know many bars still permit smoking sive drinking... the liquor bottles don’t on the street. He is walking down the and, more importantly, the bar owners come with mandatory 1/3 bottle size sidewalk… la-dee-da… and, upon com- want to take control of the type of estab- warning on the labels. ing upon a corner store, decides to go in lishment they are running. But it is this and get himself a nice, new, fresh pack of snitch line that they have to report ‘viola- A final word, then I’ll quit ‘cause I’m getcigarettes. So in he goes with his I.D. and tors’ that has me really thinking fascist. ting sick of writing about this. What out he comes with a pack. Standing on I’m surprised a ‘bottle of vodka and 100 about my right to self destruction? And to do it in a place with the company or the street he lights one up. A 15-year-old cigarettes*’ isn’t their reward. others where the place is owned and kid comes up and bums one and walks away. Our hero then walks further up the Second hand smoke is harmful to non- staffed by people who are happy about street, sees a bar and decides to go in for smokers. Well, maybe this is so... then stay us giving money to them while we do it. a drink. He walks in and is confronted to out of the bars! Listen, the odd night in a Once this freedom is gone it will be a very put his cigarette OUT because a new bi- smoky bar is not going to do one any sad day indeed. It’s our freedom here, peolaw prohibits smoking in the bar. So he harm. And if you are in bars enough to get ple, smoker or non, that is being chipped butts it out and walks over to the bar where sick from the smoke, maybe you should away by petty, hypocritical, and pathetic legislation such as this. he has to WAIT for a drink because the bartender/owner And why is it that some bars are being fined *a bottle of vodka and 100 cigarettes thousands of dollars while others go is out in the ALLEY having a was the reward for turning in a Jew in cigarette. He can no longer unmolested? Is it payoffs? occupied Poland during WWII. smoke in his own bar. Sad story? Sure as hell is. worry about your DRINKING instead. As A.D. MADGRAS for the pinch-faced nonsmoking protesters The owner must be the one who decides slobbering and crying about having to PAY if he wants smokers in his establishment for smoking related illnesses in smokers... the or not. If there is such a big market for TAX that the government gets nonsmoker establishments, then the off tobacco products far exceeds demand will create the supply. Common the cost of health care for smoksense. Why is this not enough? A NO ers. SMOKING sticker could be slapped on the door and so be it. Why the hell does city O.K., the WCB’s soapbox of the hall have to get involved? No smoking in moment, “No smoking in bars banks, hospitals, on airplanes, elevators? because the workers have the Good. No problem. These are places right to a safe environment.” where people need to go and therefore Bullshit. If a bar worker doesn’t shouldn’t have to deal with smoke. Until want to work in a smoky bar they step out into the sweet carbon mon- then get a job somewhere else. oxide cloud from the traffic on the street, Owners should ONLY have to of course. include a clause in the employment agreement stating that the Entering a bar is a privilege not a right. For worker KNOWS that they will everybody, smokers and nons. Creating a be working in a smoking room RIGHT for people to go to a bar and have therefore eliminating any legal a smoke-free atmosphere is ludicrous! I crap. mean, come on, where will it stop? City smoking zones? Smoking meters? Suing tobacco companies for health failure? This is also pure And why is it that some bars are being shite. Anybody who has smoked fined thousands of dollars (though I don’t for the past 20 years (at least) know of any who plan to actually pay) had to have lived in a CAVE while others go unmolested? Is it pay- not to know that smoking can offs? Because, as history has shown, when affect your health for the worse. law favoritism happens, a payoff has I don’t get it. You don’t see peooccurred. The fact that some bars are ple getting millions suing liquor actually advertising that their establish- companies when their livers go
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Jessica Laura
No Smoking, ok?
Urban Ink
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Issue #2 March / April 2000
The Power of the Word
Matthew. Burrows
Joe ‘Shithead’ Keithley Remembers
Joe: All right, here we are. Pete: O.K. So… J: Watch it, I've got my vicious guard dog with me, Patches. Be careful with the questions…. All: (Laugh and look at the puppy on the floor). Jason Leblanc: Hi Joey, what are your upcoming plans? Beat Trash, your solo album? D.O.A.? J: The obvious question always is, when you do a solo project… people always, 'eh, I guess that's the end of the band.' But that's not the case. Next Friday (Feb. 18th) we (D.O.A.) leave for California for two weeks. The theme with that tour is to leave the rain, have some fun and gamble in Las Vegas. Then I'm coming back for a few solo shows here, then I'm going to Ontario, with Beat Trash, my first appearance there since the album came out. In April we're (D.O.A.) going to Europe for a month and we have a good spot… in the Sun Festival. Usually that's in the U.K. but this time they're doing it on the continent. It's in Belgium. It will be a big festival… people will come from Germany and France. Also, I've got an offer from a world music festival that will happen in Detroit in July. I've also applied for the Calgary and Edmonton folk festivals but I don't know if that will happen. You see, it's kind of bouncing here and there but at the same time I can't be too busy because, one, I have a family and that's the most important thing in my
Mathew Burrows
This interview took place around the kitchen table at Joe Keithley's home in Burnaby, B.C. on Wednesday February 9th Y2K. Present were Joe Keithley, of course, and his dog Patches and for The Nerve- Jason Leblanc and Atomick Pete.
life, second, I have a record label to run. J.L: Any shows in Vancouver for D.O.A? J: The only show is maybe at the end of May, part of Mayworks, that labour festival. I usually do stuff like that, I kind of enjoy it more when it's a cause. J.L: It has a reason to it. J: Yeah, the reason why that works is that a lot of stuff I do is really political and the people there are a lot more in tune with what I'm saying. But you know, I can go off and perform in any sort of manner, you know, pool table bars… You gotta be flexible and play any place, otherwise, if you're afraid of that… you shouldn't be in 'showbusiness'. P: What have been the reactions so far to Beat Trash? J: Good, so far. The shows are a little different. I never do two shows exactly the same. I did 8 gigs in Vancouver that were more or less the same. So the next batch… I'll change the stories and some of the songs. J.L: I saw the show at the railway with Bud Osborn. J: Yeah. Bud is great. J.L: The percussionist wasn't there though. Is he gonna do the tour in Ontario? J: No, because it's cheaper to fly one guy out. I thought [that] phoning a friend ahead in Toronto and sayingd 'hey, here's the tape, here's everything you need to know' 'cause it's kind of… cool having the percussionist, it
makes it a little more rockin'. But it depends what you're looking for, in a big place it's good but in a really small place it's better not to because it buries the vocal and the words are the most important. P: The words, is that what made you go into spoken word and do a solo acoustic album? J: No. The reason is that we've been travelling around with D.O.A. for so long and we've changed members quite a few times, so every time we'd got someone new in the van, or a
new crew member, I just start telling them stories and go on and on. So I went; 'I've got so much practice telling stories, might as well just get up on stage and do it, right? It's a little walk through counterculture in western society, but put in the context of an old guy sitting around in a bar sipping his beer away… waiting for somebody to listen to him, you know, 'rah rah you guys don't know nothing!' All: (Laugh.) J: I did make fun of myself because I think that sometimes I kind of go on. But you know, I try to make the stuff have a point. Sometimes it's just pointless, but funny. P: You've always been into rebellion, or alternative politics and you ran for the Green party here before? J: Yeah and I was gonna run for Mayor too -here in Burnaby- but they disqualified me because I hadn't turned in my campaign contribution form on time for the last election. I didn't think I had to turn it in since we didn't get any contributions. But I do have plans to run for the Green party again in the next provincial election. J.L: What do you think of someone like Paul Watson and the almost eco-terrorism and ramming boats and that whole thing? J: I'm not a big believer in violence but I think sometimes you just gotta fight fire with fire. P: You have a book coming out soon? J: Yeah. It's titled 'Talk minus action equals zero' [and] in brackets 'Shithead Remembers'. It's due for next fall on A.K. Press in San Francisco. A lot of it is spoken word stories. It's a little similar to Henry Rollins 'Get in the Van' in the way that it will tell what happened on tour… but some of the stories will go into a lot more detail, if necessary, you know. You can't put everything in a book, it's gotta be interesting, like the highlights, the crazy fucked up political dumb stupid shit, without all the details like we're in town X and that 750 people showed up at the gig. P: continued on next page
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Joe ‘Shithead’ Keithley...continued
from page 7
What do you think of the future, of the kids today, in relations with politics, dumb politics? J: Young people, most people today I don't think trust politicians and given the track record of politicians there are no reason why they should. Look at politicians in Western Europe and the US, they're a bunch of crooks. Just by being in civic politics, I'd meet all these small time wanna be politicians. They were all so glad 'Hi, how you doin!'' and they were [from] an opposite party. I don't know why they were not just going, 'well, your party stinks Shithead, you're wasting people's time…' As for politics and the people in the future, I really think that people should be involved but I think the only way change really comes is, like, if you look at an anarchist model you start by changing yourself and your neighborhood. Local politics is a lot more real [and] in a certain way, more honest than national politics. You can't really affect politics in Ottawa, but you can do it locally like this Cope-Green thing in Vancouver. Bud Osborne almost won, he was only 3000 votes away. Imagine a guy like him instead of Philip Owen as mayor of Vancouver… that'd be so different. J.L: When was the last D.O.A. show in Vancouver? J: We played the Plaza of Nations with that student protest on February 2nd. J.L: How did that go? J: Good, but it got cold when we came on so we lost a few people. That was a really cool thing, that protest, you know, maybe nobody will pay attention because in each city you have 500 to 2000 students, but if they build that up and it gets to 15 000, well, look at what happened with APEC and more recently, which I think was the best thing to happen in North America in the last 10 years, the WTO in Seattle where 30 000 people raised shit. Because nobody knew what WTO was before. Now if you mention it to regular people, they go 'WTO sucks, they're assholes!' P: This was a great thing.
J: Yeah. And although it was mostly peaceful protest, those people in black, the anarchists or whatever they call themselves, smashed the windows of Starbucks, Nike and McDonald's… hey, that was cool, they had a comment. I believe that we should trade with people from around the world, help our brothers and sisters, but the way the WTO and APEC are, they wanna drag everybody down to a third world level. P: All the money for a few. J: Yeah. But I'm not against making money. I'm not a communist. I think that people should be paid for their effort but you know, fair is fair. Bill Gates doesn't need 10 billion dollars or whatever he's got. P: That's only money sitting around, not productive. J: That's why the right wing people almost always win and the left wing people almost always loose. Because the right wing people, they only have one ideal; money. Whereas the people on the left are people with ideals, their ideal is to try to help people and it's harder to figure out how to do that. That's my spew. J.L: How's the label? J: The label's doing O.K. With all the people on it, I really like [it] because… either their art is adventurous or the people are really interesting. But at the same time, it's really tough because I didn't realise I was signing on to be a full time babysitter…. I think [back] the way D.O.A., Black Flag and all my pals from those days… we just went, played and played and played and slept on floors, anywhere, got paid nothing. I like all the people on the label but I really like the DBS kids because they don't expect a lot; they just wanna go and play. But I'd rather be a performer or a songwriter than anything to do with business. Business sucks. J.L: It’s tough to beat a good pit. J: Yeah it's just like there's a sort of energy in music, that's why people like it and why I'm still playing it. It's the power of words; it's the power of loud music. Atomick Pete & Jason Leblanc
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Live Wires Live Action Previews and Reviews
The next thing I noticed was that Gerry-Jenn Wilson (JP5) was sliding her hand down her pants and rubbing her HOTBOX. Oh baby. My attention started to perk with the anticipation of some live masturbation, maybe. Then she flashed her boobies to the other side of the bar, just my luck. I was distracted by a girl near the pool tables who kept stomping my feet. Finally, during my favorite song, 'Beer Drinking Man Eaters', she violently took off her shirt! I was slightly relieved. A little bit of nudity, sort of, a whole lot of drunken nausea, and a girl was telling me of her fantasies involving leather underwear (after the show, I would break some windows on the way home). I'd heard some pretty crazy stories of this band (exhibitionist bitches) but I've yet to see or experience anything totally awesome. The music doesn't suck but I'm not going to ever run out and buy their CD. It's too Pop for me. I like JP5's sexy style, that's about it. But hey, their from Victoria and seem to be doing quite well under Sudden Death Records. As for myself, whenever JP5 plays only a couple of blocks from my home I will always come out for the show. JP5, get naked for me!
JP5
with Satina Saturnina At the Brickyard, Vancouver, February 18th, 2000
Sudden Death Records
J. S. Peter
Sudden Death Records
A
t first, I went to the JP5 show expecting to see some nudity and lewd craziness. Girls doing strange things with their microphones, tits all over the place, men drunk and passed out on the dance floor with blood drooling from their mouths, live sex, and total all out anarchy. I had a feeling that that was too much to ask for but I just wanted to experience a night of debauchery and chaos. Simply because I needed it. It didn't quite happen. However, I did see a lot of sexy bitches with tight little articles of clothing spilling beer and vodka all over themselves . . . sexy. I feel I must say a word or two about the opening show, Satina Saturnina. They were extremely boring and disgusting but I found myself slightly turned on because of a song they did called . . . umm, I don't know, but it it was about fucking a Barbie doll (which I myself did when I was a little boy, in fact, I got caught by my father once). This leather clad demoness strapped on a big black dildo and fucked her Barbie, oooh yeah . . . she fucked her Barbie, yeah . . . she really fucked her Barbie (I bet her parents regret giving her that Barbie Doll when she was a kid.) The show ended with me, and probably a lot of people, desperately needing some crazy ass nudity.
Issue #2 March / April 2000

Live Wires
Live Action Previews and Reviews
Spitfires CD Release Party with New Town Animals and Hell Caminos At the Brickyard, Vancouver Feb. 19th 2000 NEW TOWN ANIMALS So this bonus band opened up the punk extravaganza. They have a mixed style of old school punk and skate punkrock. Three chord standard for most of the songs, though long ridding guitar solos danced around in there too-Alex Angel, the guitarist, lovin' it up. Spontaneous complicated drumbeats were punchy and one of Chucky's drum solos turned into a wicked song. I wondered what SKICKS meant on Stevie Kicks bass strap…-oh of course! His name! A fun rapport between them was cool; they seemed to be egging each other on, bringing out the tightness. Echo effects on Nick's vocals sounded cool, him clad in a blue blazer obnoxiously belting out his screechy, yet funny vox. Stevie Kicks bass lines and Chucky's floor drum combined as one, creating a progressively solid sound, which was most memorable. Stay tuned for a new guitar addition, Jeffery from the Come-ons is in the works.
continued eighties punk rock which rolled into a sonic airwave jerk-off. Garbled bass and extra heavy feedback sped up the lyrics to a point of rage that sounded like Motorhead- and sort of washed together into a crunchy mash. A mosh pit almost formed- the crowd packed up tight and got right in there. I talked to one of them after the show and he's a stellar guy even though his music sounded completely like masturbation rock. Energy over content and red-necky rock I am not a fan of… but the crowd there sure dug it. SPITFIRES Interactive and a plausible cause for riots, these guys had buildups upon buildups and they came out on top. The collage of melodies really are record worthy. I caught the undertones of the point they get across, playing fearlessly. A breakdown sounded like Twisted Sister's 'We're not going to take it' so they threw in the lyrics. In other songs, the vocals sounded like the high caliber screams of Little Richie. The stage show was awesome. The guitarist lifted his instrument with an upwards thrust and punctuated the lick with a technique that resembled the beginning of AC/DC's 'Thunderstruck.' To top it off, the vocalist ripped apart a pillow exploding a feathery snowfall on the floor for everyone to walk through. The whole floor from the bar to the pool tables including the dance floor was covered in fluff. It was like a dream.
HELL CAMINOS As the plot thickens, the Hell Caminos kicks some ass backwards into
Lydia Lunch with 30 Helens
Richard's on Richards, Vancouver Sunday, February 20th, 2000 Fulfilling my promise to myself to go see the local, all-woman comedy troupe 30 Helens whenever I have the chance, and interested to find out what performance art legend Lydia Lunch is really all about, I headed down to Richard's on Richards for the Vancouver stop on the "Dirty Little Secrets" tour. While I know it is to be expected, I can't help but feel annoyed and impatient when a show does not start until 45 minutes past the time promised on the ticket. Particularly when the lights are so low that it's impossible to scan the crowd for people you know or to observe what's happening around you. The seats at Richard's on Richards are also exceedingly uncomfortable, but the place is perfectly laid out for a stage show with good visibility from every location. Surprisingly, Lydia Lunch hit the stage first, in spike heels, a sexy black outfit, and long red hair. Her show was less experimental and challenging than I expected, as it consisted mainly of her reading aloud stories from her autobiography Paradoxia and letters from her online sex column (www.gettingit.com), rather than pieces of abstract performance art. Paradoxia details Lunch's years spent in New York City in the 1970's, as a hustler who lived in flophouses and worked on-andoff as a prostitute. Though the stories are laced with levels of filth and danger that probably shocked Richard's on Richards' young, white, middle-class audience, Lunch made the lifestyle seem commonplace; emphasizing instead the pleasures and thrills she derived from a life of manipulation and uncertainty. I was particularly struck by Lunch's
Liz Wakefield description of her shift in careers from prostitute to artist. She recognizes that both occupations allow for a continual re-invention and reconstruction of the self through performance and both are economic exchanges in which others purchase the commodity of Lunch herself. However, Lunch points out that with performance art she sells people pain, not pleasure, presumably in the form of attacking people's conventional values and assumption. Lunch followed this piece by reading letters and replies that have appeared in her online sex advice column. The most shocking question was from a man who confessed he enjoyed having sex with meat, basting the meat with his cum and then serving it to friends-who always commented on his superior cooking skills. He wanted to know how he could avoid contracting salmonella from fucking his Thanksgiving turkey. I was a little disappointed to discover that Lunch actually creates many of the questions herself out of the minor relationship problems her friends reveal to her. 30 Helens provided lighter entertainment for the duration of the evening-through a comedy routine in which the punchline is a man fucking his football buddy up the ass to resolve an argument is perhaps only light entertainment to a particular type of crowd. The Helens perform sexy and smart comedy about what they know… and being a feminist, twenty-something, Vancouverite woman myself, I 'get' all their jokes; I am their target audience. My favourite skit of the night was a scene straight from my junior high memories: slow dancing at the school dance to "Stairway to Heaven." There's not much else I can say about those naughty Helens, except, see them.
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Amanda Stevens
Live Wires
Live Action Previews and Reviews
continued
Hook It Up!
An Interview with the
I
f you haven't heard of The Donnas by now, you are seriously out of touch. Even my mom knows about the four girls from Palo Alto, California who play Runaways-influenced rock with a little bit of take-no-shit metal thrown in. Even my mom digs their Riff Randel style (symbols of teenage rebellion such as tight black jeans, and Converse AllStars), their trademark shirts with their names (Donna A, Donna R, Donna F, and Donna C) emblazoned across their chests, and their kickass live performances. The buzz started a couple of years ago in the Bay Area, where their label Lookout! Records is based. Their first full-length release, American Teenage Rock N' Roll Machine caught the attention of the LA Weekly, Spin, Rolling Stone, and Salon.com. Their latest album Get Skintight is topping the charts of college stations across the continent and they've made recent appearances on MTV and MuchMusic. Whether you like it or not, The Donnas are on the road to rocksuperstardom. Donna A (lead singer) took the time from her busy schedule to talk to little ol' me. She called from her cell phone, en route to her boyfriend's place in San Francisco. I imagined her in a little red convertible, AC/DC on the stereo and a cigarette in her hand, driving along clifftops overlooking the ocean. Everybody in the band has been friends since you were in like junior high. Has fame, fortune and glory affected your friendship? Well, we're not really famous and we aren't really making a lot of money. But if anything, touring, recording albums and performing together has made our friendship stronger. Let's talk about groupies. I've seen some pretty obsessive web-sites. You must have some serious groupies. Yeah, but most of them are our friends. We have a lot of faithful fans. And we think our fans are really cool. They just wanna listen to fun music and have a good time. Our favourite fans are our friends. We have
some friends in LA who come to our shows dressed as KISS Cows. What the heck are KISS Cows? They're people dressed up as cows, only their faces are painted like KISS. So you guys are playing with Joan Jett at the Roxy in New York City! How exciting is that? We're totally excited! Lots of our friends are flying out for the show and it will be a lot of fun. I understand you are calling for the resurrection of the long hair/ tight jeans/make up look. Yeah, totally, like Poison! I agree! Bring back the longhairs! That would be awesome! Sometimes we dedicate songs to guys w/ long hair. . . Oh, I'm merging. . . Shit. Fucker. . . Asshole. Let me in. You started out as a band who covered Shonen Knife, L7 and Muffs songs for junior high talent shows. On your last album you covered Motley Crue. What is your ultimate cover song? Like if you could cover any song that you want to play but nobody else in the band does, what song would it be? Um, I don't know, we pretty much play any song we want to play. But I guess it would be "Problem Child" by AC/DC. It'll never happen because we've already covered one AC/DC song, "Shot Down in Flames." And we don't want to become like an AC/DC cover band. Are you guys working on any upcoming projects? We're working on an album. The first song is called "Hotpants." The album will hopefully come out in January. We're also working on a Judas Priest song. But I'm not going to say which one. Just in case you were thinking rock n' roll is dead, The Donnas played Vancouver on Friday, Feb 25. On March 3 they fly to LA, where they will start an American tour with The Smugglers, and many special guests. If you can't wait for the next album, get your Donnas fix at www.lkout.com, www.thedonnas.8m.com, and www.crosswinds. net/~donnas Roseanne Harvey
Issue #2 March / April 2000
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Strapping Young Lad An Evening with Devin Townsen The following is the result of a tape recorded 'interview' with Devin Townsend of the Vancouver based band Strapping Young Lad. What we found on the tape the next day was, well, a little bleary. Anyway, reading suggestions for this article involve: a good stiff drink, a comfortable chair and, of course, a very well rolled joint.
record of an era for me… [it] wrapped up the 'I'm a boy' phase of my life. … I was like 'Hi, there. My name is Devin and this is what I represent' - that was what that record represented.… So what I did with 'Physicist' is, I tried to make a parody of Strapping, in a certain way, … make like what I would envision a commercial Strapping record to sound like.
(voices at beginning of tape incomprehensible)
J: Didn't you call that…
DEVIN: …know what grosses me out most?… not spiders, not fuckin' fat women or anything, but, …pennies. Dirty pennies fuckin' gross me out, man. 'Cause you know how many people …with their finger in their bums and whatever….
D: Space metal.
ALL: (laugh)
D: Strapping Light.
PIERRE: Well, all money's dirty.
J: Diet Coke….
J: Strapping without…
JASON: Yeah ,when they check bills, something like, 30% of them have cocaine residue…. D: Hey, are we recording? P: Yeah, for about the past 10 minutes. D: That was stupid
D: Diet Coke and Strapping. But… that's where it is thematically, but in what it sounds like, it's a rippin' record. …It's like three, four minute songs.… The speed of the drumming that's in Strapping with this amazing production… we got the guy who did the band 'Yes' and he did… all these crazy bands - we got him to do the engineering on it. So we got these speed metal It got really ugly and stu- drums that's like ultimate production plus "Infinity" type melody over top of it all.… It's the same band as Strapping, but it pid and I ended up in the represents something different so it's not called Strapping….
mental hospital. I wear that with pride. I feel like I’ve done my time.
P: It's a 90 minute tape. D: Oh, that's o.k. then. J: Okay, here comes the first question, Mr. Townsend. D: Yes, Mr. Leblanc
J: How long has Strapping Young Lad Been together? D: The first Strapping record came out in '95 and it officially became the Strapping that we all know now in late '96. The first record came out and I had some different people going on it, and then when the second record came out I'd enlisted Gene, Jed and Byron, and that's where it sits.
mean?
D: Well, we should start recording towards the fall. Because we're going to tour a bit with this release and get our feet back in the water. … We'll get to it when we get to it. You know what I
J: Oh, yeah. (laughs) D: See the next strapping record what I want to do with it is base it around nature. I want it to be like the ultimate technology is nature. And make it this fuckin' in your
J: Were the other players Vancouver based? D: No, Adrian was from Edmonton. But the other people were. J: Well how many albums do you have. D: Let's see,… how about we start talking about something else. 'Cause I hate interviewing like this. Do you mind? Let's just talk. J: Sure (crumples question sheet and throws it to the floor). D: 'Cause I'm in the middle of doing a record right now… called "Physicist" and it's a name that popped into my head as I was coming down from doing acid one night… It was the second time I'd done acid… and I looked at myself in the mirror and I was all gray and lanky and veiny… And while we were doing it I tied my hands up, so that I couldn't do anything artistic with [them] and my brain just exploded in this sea of mathematics. Like crazy, like numbers and fractals and variables and I was like, holy fuck! And when I was coming down I saw myself in this whole grey image, because on "Infinity" I was all hung up on the white and black, the good and bad, the yin and the yang. And then when "The Physicist" came around… now it was all gray, it was all precise, it was all functioning, it was all… perfect. And so the record, as a reflection of that, is a satire of what I have done in the past. …"Infinity" was the last
J: So, when's the next Strapping Lad coming out?
Issue #2 March / April 2000
nd face speed metal band surrounded by nature. J: Eco - death. D: (laughs) Yeah! Enviro - metal. ALL: (laugh) D: That's funny. Enviro - metalists. J: Is it true that you were considering calling Strapping Young Lad "Urethra or Mine?" D: Yeah, that was Adrian's idea. My idea was to call it "Red Rice" but the record label hated that… they also hated "Starchy Alien."
Strapping Young Lad in Tokyo
Photo Hevy Devy Records
J: What's your favorite beer?
J: Who thought of 'Strapping Young Lad'? D: Me. I lived in England for a year. I was in a band called "The Wildheart" …the lead singer was this ultra genius musician and we've always had a running competition thing. It really came to a head during the "Infinity" thing. It got really ugly and stupid and I ended up in a mental hospital. I wear that with pride. I feel like I've done my time.
D: I hate beer. I hate the taste of beer. I hate alcohol…. I don't like the feeling of being drunk. I hate throwing up after I've drunk too much of it. I can't do it, man… the taste is so fucking dismal… it's like drinking boat gas. (laughs) J: Have you drunk boat gas before? D: Well… Black Label.
J: Did they strap you down?
All: (laugh)
D: No.
P: What are your future plans?
J: Were you a strapped young lad? (laughs)
D: My future plans? Well, I've got two options. I could either get my shit together, stop smoking pot, and get my brain straight and make a real dent in what I want to do with my life. Or, I can sit back and be a fucking loser which is what I've been doing for the past two years because I've been so wounded emotionally, man, that I just can't get by… the world is such an over stimulating place for me right now that I have to shut it off by smoking so much fucking weed it's, like, unbelievable. You know what I mean? Now, I can either stop that and get my shit together or I can keep on going on. I haven't had the desire to stop it yet so I'm taking it day by day.
D: They made me cut my hair off though, which was a stupid thing because I kind of liked it. But I'm growing it back. It's on its way, in certain parts. Yeah, it's a work in progress as well. Every phase of your life is documented by your head. Isn't that stupid? (laughs) Ask me another question.
J: You want to smoke a joint? D: Fuck yeah, roll 'er up! All: (laugh) D: You see! When I'm doing something, that's what I'm doing. If I'm smoking pot I'm gonna smoke it. I don't want to be regretting anything… and eating too, wholly Jesus, that's another thing… I was 145 pounds. Then I started taking Prozac and now I'm like 200. [Right now] I'm on like three different medications. One of them for bi-polar disorder, another one of them is an anti-depressant and the other one is a mood stabilizer. And they're wicked. Oh yeah, man, their great. It's sort of like paving over a gravel road because the shit is still there but your able to go…(looks down) wicked. It's another drug. Like pot, I guess. I figure if I'm going to do one I might as well…. J: How do you feel when don't do any drugs? D: When I don't do any? J: Yeah. D: Psycho. Yeah, like I'm going to kill everybody… but it's going down,
continued on next page
Issue #2 March / April 2000
An evening with Devin Townsend ...continued from page 14 you know, it's getting better, as I get older… I'm mellowing out. J: So, where are you going to tour? D: (inhales deeply on the joint) P: I heard Strapping is pretty big in Japan?
All: (laughter)
D: There was this one time in Germany… we were playing in an old airplane hanger… I set up this gag with the keyboard player where he'd play fart samples when I'd bend over with the microphone up to my ass. So, I was thinking that Australia, Japan, Europe…. (exhales) before I went on stage I'd bring this fire extinguisher with me for extra effect. So he's just about to press the fart sample and ...the next Strapping record what I I put the extinguisher between my legs and this cloud of smoke out… but it want to do with it is base it around send wasn't like the vapo stuff… it was like some nature. And make it this fuckin' in- WWII.…
wendythirteen
D: Yeah. I think has something to do with the way the people think… because the places we your-face speed metal band surrounded J: A chemical fire extinguisher? do sell well… there is a certain by nature mentality that suits the projects. All: (hysterical laughter) In Japan, their into the cheesy pop sort of stuff and I'd done the Steve Vai thing… and that record went gold there... so I've got residual fans from that time and once they like you for one D: Yeah. People were barfing and crying and the monitor board was covered… and I was hated. But then, because I was so pissed off at myself, because that was thing there, they're kind of with you for the long haul. so horrible to do to people, I went into the back room and there was this garbage bag so I was like, "FUCK!" and I grabbed the garbage bag J: Do they pit in Japan? and (stands up) smashed it (re-enacts) and then kicked the piss out of it and threw it away. So, later, I'm sitting D: Oh yeah. They're flying all over the place. But back on the bus and the tour manager comes in and says, this one time we were down in New Orleans and "Nobody go near Steve!" I was like, why? And he says, we'd been warned before hand that the club owner (laughs) "because somebody took a bag with his favorite was a real prick. So we pulled in and it was, like, in boots, clothes and cologne and fucking destroyed it!." the bible belt somewhere. And we pulled in… we were on tour with Testament and they were like, 'you All: (more hysterical laughter) can't do this, you can't sit on the rocks on the back side of the venue, you can't walk here, you can't load J: So when is the next Strapping show in Vancouver? in 'till this time. Then we get onstage… and the owner is a fucking prick. So, all the way through, the D: It was going to be March…(undecipherable comment by guys in the crew were like, 'you gotta say something Leblanc) yeah, at the Columbia... but now, later on in the when you're on stage, you gotta go off on this guy.' year. I got to go get my bag gibbled tomorrow morning. Well, it was because I was so bored with what the tour was doing that I'd just roast people in the audience. P: Your bag? So we get up there and we're like, "HEY! YOU FUCKING BONE HEADED NAZI! YOU SON D: Yeah, I've got this inflated testicle, man, like, I swear to OF A BITCH FUCKING- COCK- SUCKINGgod it's fucking enormous. CUNT! THIS PLACE FUCKING SUCKS! P: First song?
All: (laughter)
D: Yeah, not even fifteen seconds in and we're calling him by name. We're like, "HEY! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU, RIGHT THERE, YA DUMB FUCK!
D: You guys want to see the biggest ball you've ever seen?
All: (laughter)
(Devin gets up and turns his back to us. He digs into his pants and pulls out his bag containing what could be a
D: …so then he comes crashing through the crowd with his henchmen or bodyguards and the tour manager from Testament comes up and is like, "Cut the set! Cut the set!" We were like, "What? What?" "The body guard just punched one of our dudes out!" So everybody throws their gear down and ran off and I went after the guy. Fuck. Then at the end of the night our tour manager comes out on stage and shouts, "demand your money back!" Because we were like, "No more gig. It's cancelled. Fuck you guys." So on the way out, they had a line up of people demanding their money back. Our tour manager was first in line. The cops came. So, in the end we got paid for playing fifteen seconds worth of music. And everybody got their money back from that…. J: What other crazy shit you been through on the road?
All: (laughs)
mini football.) D: That's one ball. J: Holy shit! P: Jesus Christ! D: But, as of tomorrow… 9:30 in the morning, they're fucking cutting 'Mr. Brain' open Jason LeBlanc & Atomick Pete
D: I drank a bottle of codeine cough syrup before we played a show once in Spain and I walked straight towards the microphone and then right off the fucking stage.
Issue #2 March / April 2000
decisions regarding the fate of our best friends, and defend our fragile, uninformed social views. How could I face myself?
Drug Plan - It's All in the Planning So far, tangible results of Downtown Eastside Revitilization plan include 3000 brochures for parents and kids on the dangers of drug abuse. (Ain't that real nice?) It was not long after this fluffy kibble came across my desk, that I also heard of a potential 5-year drug plan for the Downtown Eastside (DTES). In a fit of anxiety, I beckoned for Donald MacPherson via phone. Donald is the leading city social planner responsible for, among other things, co-ordinating various groups' involvement in the eastside revitilization plan. The reception person's answer: "I - oh! Do you…uhhh…. If you just. What drug plan? I'm not--" (she is forgiven.) In the interest of brevity, and an increasing trust of sources not human, I punch up the city's website on the computer: Blah. Blah. Blah - 5 million dollars. Blah. Blah - We made some brochures. Blah. Blah - diverse groups and residents. (Resulting subtext: There are so many people involved in fixing the DTES drug problem that we can't even agree on what time it is, so why don't you just shut your fucking mouth, uncle-fucker!…Have we mentioned the brochures?) Okay that wasn't an exact quote. The exact quote was much worse and, honestly, I can understand the city planner's frustration, assuming he's as frustrated as he must be there in the midst of the incompetence by which he is surrounded - which is also an assumption. The big problem, for me, (the smarmy-assed writer eager to expose incompetence), is that claims of incompetence serve my ego rather unsatisfyingly. The only thing I REALLY know is that not much has been done, not that anyone is particularly incompetent. (To be fair though, to myself, I think I'm more than just a smarmy ass writer. I can cook too.)
In the meantime, Werner Schneider comes to town. He's the German drug policy expert from Frankfurt where Simin Tabrizi went to gather material for her report years ago. He applauds the virtue of a unified approach to battling drug problems in The Georgia Straight - Feb 17th issue, although, details tend towards scarcity. Nonetheless, the numbers for the Frankfurt model are impressive. Perhaps the most notable quote out of this dire search came from Jack Altman, Vancouver-Richmond Health Board's vice president of community health services. He said, in the above mentioned article, that three components of the Frankfurt strategy need to be recognized in Vancouver: that the drug problem is never going to go away, that there is a necessity for all groups to work together, and the need for social support for addicts. Perhaps the most notable quote I can offer, is: never believe in rumours - especially any pairing the words: 'drug plan,' and 'Vancouver'. Other than that, let me say to all involved groups: thank you for your interest, whatever they may be, but, if you're not contributing to a solution, that means you're probably getting in the way. You should know that not having attended a proper journalism school, I depend on rumour from time-to-time. Brian Lindgreen
So, in effort to justify my career interest, I call Simin Tabrizi. She wrote a report on the status of the downtown eastside drug problem, as well as making recommendations for the city in said report. Simin is kind. Simin is helpful. Simin prefers to stay as far away as possible from any connection to the process of instituting a drug plan following her previous experience with City officials. Simin is understood. I call Michael Clague. He is the Director of the Carnegie Center, a community center in the DTES. The summarized version of our speaking: '?' Mr. Clague did suggest I call Donald MacPherson, though. I decide to drink coffee instead, and call Bud Osborn, DTES advocate, social activist, poet/writer, and possibly not a morning person: Me: Hello, Mr. Osborn? Bud:
(Fumble. Fumble. Gurgle.) Hell-lo?
Me: It's me from The Nerve magazine. (Actually I said I was calling from Coop Radio, because I had originally intended to do the piece for them. It was bad journalism, but, I didn't go to journalism school, so how responsible should I be expected to be?) …I'm calling about the city's new five-year drug plan. Bud: Which one? He told me about the increased police presence, loss of civil rights, and that I could call him back anytime to chat. Nice guy, but my rumour was dying, and through rumour, is how 95% of us live, make
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Alex Chalmers Defying Gravity
A
lex Chalmers was late for the photo shoot and I was starting to freak out. I wasn't bouncing off the walls but I did give him a phone call. "I'm two blocks away," he said. So I dropped a couple of lines into the West Beach half pipe and waited for him and Nick Parker to arrive. They showed up ten minutes later and the boys got right down to some gnarly riding. Lot's of kicking' grinds by both of these photogenic mad-men but then, as usual, Alex started gin' off and pulling some sick air's with a great couple of maneuvers involving a wall and a part of the ramp that was not particularly designed for the punishment Alex so loves to dish out. Got some cool shots and after about an hour or so we split over to Nick's place to hang…. This is what was said. J.L.: How you doing today Alex? A.C.: I'm doing very good, how are you Jason. J.L.: I'm killer, it's nice to see you. A.C.: Ya, It's good to see you…after many years. J.L.: Fuck ya……Ok, well let's start off with some basic history, where are you from? A.C.: Born and bred in North Van mostly, lived there all my life. J.L.: And how long has that life been? A.C.: 25 years, with about fourteen of those being on a skateboard. J.L.: So how is that going? A.C.: Well I'm in the process of tuning pro. Recently I've been entering my first pro contest's that started in May of ninety nine and hopefully I'll have my own signature board out in the year 2000 with Flip skateboards. J.L.: Flip's your sponsor? A.C.: Flip is my main sponsor, they are my board sponsor. They're out of
Huntington Beach, California They originally began in Europe under the name of Death Box skateboards and they took their 4 best riders to North America and decided to create a team called Flip. It's a fairly elite team of skaters, there are no Americans on the team. The riders are Ruin Gliffburg from Copenhagen, Denmark, there's Jeff Rowley and Tom Penny from England. There's Alto Sarley from Finland, Ali Blowla from Sweden…..there's lots of Euro riders and a couple of Canadians including myself and a 14 year old kid from out east named Andrew Gordon. J.L.: Are they keeping you busy? A.C.: Absolutely. They're one of my main sponsors. My other sponsors are Etnis shoes . . . I signed on today with Quicksilver and I get my trucks from Fury and wheels from Triumph wheels and I ride locally for a skateboard shop on Main St, called the Boarding House. J.L.: You are referred to in some scenes as a bowl skater, have you kicked that tag yet? A.C.: In skateboarding there are many names that you can get. Street skater, vert skater, bowl skater, technical skater, hand rail skater, ledge skater or whatever. Personally I have grown up with lots of bowls and skate parks around me and that's what I skated when I was younger, therefore a lot of my photos were there. But lately I've been skating everything and I've been skating lots of street with my friends in Vancouver and trying to be a little more well rounded. Kick that tag of skate park skater. J.L.: You place fairly highly, fairly consistently in street contests. A.C.: Well, having grown up in Vancouver, with I think 30 skateboard parks between Whistler, Chilliwack and on the Island you get in a lot of skating and you get a little more consistent when you skate more. Due to the rain,
you seem to get the most out of your skateboard time. In the contest's, it's consistency that gets you more points. The more tricks you can pull in a minute - which is pretty ridiculous because that's not really skateboarding cause your timed and you need to put on a show and you have to do trick after trick after trick - but those who do that will win the contests and, to tell you the truth, that's a pretty important thing. I hope to continue doing that, placing well and representing my team, North Vancouver and Vancouver in general. J.L.: Do you enter many vert contests? A.C.: I stay away from the vert because we haven't had a vert ramp in Vancouver for about 3 or 4 years. If I got a chance to skate a vert ramp I would jump on it right away. I love it, it's great. It's something I wish I could do more because when I grew up we would skate the Richmond skate ranch and their vert ramp all the time. It's not something I want to concentrate on but it's something I want to do more. I've entered one pro vert comp . . . He r m o s s a , beach against Lance Mountain, Steve Cab (who won), Jeff Grosso was there Mike Smith and I placed 9th but I'm going to concentrate on my street. J.L.: What was the last contest you were in? A.C.: The last contest I was in was in the middle of December in Caraby, Australia. I was on a tour for three weeks where we had a contest every week and demo's in between. In my last contest in Caraby I placed first in street. The other two contests I got a third and a fourth but that's alright. I went down there and made some money, more than I started out with, so it was all good. Plus, I got to see Australia and it was the middle of the summer so while it was raining here it was beautiful sunny skies every day there. Plus the hotels have bars that are open till 4:00 am every
Issue #2 March / April 2000
night and we took full advantage of that. They like their Victoria bitters. My next comp is probably Tampa in early March. I'll go for 4 or 5 days . . . there's a pro contest in a skate park there. Then I fly to L.A. and we're driving our r.v. up to Arizona for about a week . . . there's an M.T.V. sports and music festival and we're competing and hanging out for spring break. J.L.: So who would you say is the most stoking skater on a local level in Vancouver right now? A.C.: Paul Macnell, he's a street skater and amazingly burley. He's way better than he thinks he is and he's gonna take over the industry one day, he'll be one of the best skaters in the world, guaranteed. Jeff Logan, he's originally from back east and came out here a bunch of years ago. He's got an American sponsor and he's gonna go off this year too. There's Rick McCrank who's winning everything from local to international contests. On an International level. some of the best guys I've come across are probably Faulk Ernquist, a skater from Brazil who skates both ways and can do all his tricks frontwards and backwards. Colin Mckay, who is from Vancouver, is one of the smoothest and most amazing vert skaters around. There are a lot of really inspirational people out there like this kid from Brazil named Oggi who is a skater with no legs and qualifies usually in the top three. Guys out there with one leg like John Calmer from Powell, just amazing guys, every one's amazing. J.L.: Thanx Alex, It's been good to see you. A.C.: Thank you Jason…Slayer. J.L.: Slayer. Jason Leblanc Photos: courtesy of Flip
Straight 8
Independent Cinema
BEHIND THE LIGHT Alex Mackenzie and The Blinding Light!!! Cinema The Blinding Light is a cinematic experience like no other. The person who takes your ticket is a volunteer, a large popcorn is only $2.50, and the concession sells organic carrot cake. As you walk into the theatre, indierock or down-tempo electronica plays over the sound system. The carpets sag, the seats are red velvet and thick heavy curtains hang in front of the screen. Sometimes the films don't start on time and sometimes only six people show up. North America's only full-time, volunteer-run underground cinema has been in its present location in Gastown for over a year and a half. Alex MacKenzie, manager and program coordinator, opened a Blinding Light prototype in 1994 in a storefront at Commercial and Venables. The Edison Electric held 50 seats (still in use to this day) and a screen. "It was an experiment to see if Vancouver could sustain a place showing underground, obscure stuff. I lived in the back of the space and paid my rent with the money from ticket sales." The Edison gave Vancouver a program unlike anything else in the city. Alex showed mostly 16mm films that normally wouldn't see the light of day due to inaccessible and obsolete equipment and a problem with exhibition. "I didn't just show heavy rigorous arty films. I tried to blend old industrial films with experimental work. Just to give exposure to these things. Nobody had figured out how to make this stuff accessible in an economically viable way. They didn't know how to market or present it. You can't really sell 16mm films. Nobody has projectors." Vancouver proved itself and Alex drew enough of a crowd Friday and Saturday nights to pay the
bills. "The Edison was registered as a 'moving images gallery'. Every time I had a show, I feared the fire marshal shutting it down. But it lasted 2 years… until the lease was up and there was no heat. The landlord wanted to double the rent… the floorboards were rotten."
Portland based filmmaker/ artist/musician Miranda July's Nest of Shorts (April 14/15/16). There are also regular events such as BYO8, where budding filmAlex went back to Montreal to makers are These are not the kind of regroup and returned to encouraged to films that appeal to masses of Vancouver a year later, ready to bring their own people, so you can't expect open another underground thecreations for masses of people to come out. screening in atre showing obscure videos and Super 8 and 16mm films. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be front of a symshown. "I wanted to do it again, only pathetic audimore central and little more ence, and the committed to full-time activity. I wanted to Eye of Newt Collective, which features hot-dogs include live element shows, more video/audio, in the local improvised music scene performing and more performative-type film experiences." live with a silent film. Although he had some initial prob- Alex has had no problem finding films to lems finding an show. He tapped into what Jeff (Heavy Metal appropriate venue, Parking Lot) Krulik calls the 'widespread bootin July 1998 he leg video distribution,' and found a network of opened the filmmakers who were into experimental film Blinding Light in a and needed an audience. "I started getting former theatre calls from people who realized there is a place space in Gastown to show their films. I discovered people who (36 Powell St.). are excited about the same stuff I am. There's a bit of a circuit down the West Coast. [Films Without question, will circulate] from here down to Seattle, the Blinding Light Olympia, Portland, San Francisco, LA, in all has the most chal- these places similar to the Blinding Light." lenging, eclectic and just plain Filmmakers and enthusiasts communicate on bizarre program- the internet, send films via the post, and make ming of any theatre guest appearances in other cities. They travel in town. The most across statelines, across national borders. "The recent 8-page pro- only real barrier tends to be financial. gram offers up a Sometimes I can't show great works because cinematic buffet of there's a rental fee, brokerage fee, and I have the weird and sub- to get it across the border. Sometimes it will versive, the strange end up costing $500US for a film I know will and underground. Such as the upcoming docu- pull in 10 people." mentary Better Dead Than Red: Paranoid Propaganda Classics (March 24/25), Resistance, 'a Which isn't an uncommon occurrence at the week and a half of subversive cinema fighting the Blinding Light. Not a lot of people rush out to power' (April 4-9), and the Canadian premier of see experimental, radical and cutting edge
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Straight 8
Independent Cinema
film and video. "These are not the kind of films that appeal to masses of people, so you can't expect masses of people to come out. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be shown." But there are nights when there's actually a line up, some nights it actually stretches down Powell Street. The theatre seats 100+ people, shows more than 40 films a month and has about 6000 members.
The theatre reflects the form and content of the films shown at the Blinding Light. The place has a d.i.y., kind of lo-fi feel. The furniture has been salvaged from second hand stores, and there is an absence of mass-market forces. Technology has moved on and nobody buys 16mm film and equipment, perhaps because nobody sells it. But people are still making these films. "Because of the form of distribution and exhibition, it's less visible
than other art forms. It's structure, really. You can pick up books, you can buy them, it's an economy. But you can't show experimental films on TV or rent them or package them." Alex is critical of commodity culture, but realizes he can't operate outside of it. Some of the films have to appeal to lots of people. "I'm very cautious about worrying about turnout. I don't want to get into a position where I'm like 'better show this because then I can pay the rent'. I'd rather show something else and struggle. If I wanted to make money, I'd open a Cineplex." Instead, Alex decided to open a café in the lobby to make a little extra cash selling coffee, soup, juice and, of course, freshly popped popcorn. In the past year and a half, Alex has worked to integrate the Blinding Light into the Vancouver cultural scene. The theatre space hosted several Fringe Festival performances and some films in the Vancouver Film Festival and Queer Film Festival. He hopes this inclusion into the arts community will increase visibility and make people aware of what's happening at the cinema. Nevertheless, he admits to having "mixed feelings about any large organization. That's why I know in my heart I'll never get really big. I've got issues with marketing tactics and programming. Studio distribution and quotas have nothing to do with quality of the films." Vancouver is known for its 'thriving' film scene but "we fit right outside of it," says Alex. "The Blinding Light is an antidote to all that crap." He puts a lot of effort into digging up the films he shows. And he expects the audience to put an effort into watching the films. Simply going to the theatre to see independent, underground films is a subversive act, whether you're seeing films about culture jamming tactics, Karen Carpenter, or skids getting drunk in the parking lot at a Judas Priest concert. When you go to the Blinding Light, you don't know what you're going to get. "Hollywood films are so visible that it's almost inevitable that we'll see them. This kind of stuff, you're taking a bit more of a risk because you don't have a mass-marketing campaign behind it." Roseanne Harvey Photos: courtesy of Alex Makenzie
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Straight 8
Independent Cinema The Last Big Thing
Low Self Esteem Girl
The Last Big Thing was screened on the week of Jan 10th at the Pacific Cinematheque as part of their "[Screen] BC" series a "regular showcase for work by BC filmmakers and media artists." The film was actually released in 1996 and is an American film, but the writer-director-actor Dan Zukovic is a Vancouver artist who was living in L.A. at the time he made the film. With the film's overall contemporaneous 'end of the millennium' theme, it's easy to overlook the constant references to it being 1996. Though quite an original film, I would place The Last Big Thing in the tradition of Hal Hartley and Jon Moritsugu for its two main characters, a male intellectual nihilist and his mentor girlfriend, and for its exaggerated parody and critique of American culture and values. The main character Simon Geist, played by Dan Zukovic, lives in a state of perpetual irony. He claims to be against "everything that's happening today" but spends his time going to see comedy movies and refusing to laugh, watching live comedy and laughing too loud, holding court in his unfurnished suburban tract home, or interviewing celebrities for his fake magazine, 'The Last Big Thing'. Watching Simon in action is both exhilarating and maddening; while I applaud his culture jamming tactics, I was annoyed with his pretentious intellectual posing; that amounted to nothing more than high culture snobbery. Throughout the film, however, Simon is gradually co-opted by the mainstream that he was, perhaps, never outside of. In a surprising twist at the end of the film, his girlfriend Darla is revealed to be its true subject; and its celebrated act becomes her real attempt to write her way out of her culturally-imposed identity with her personal 'zine. Susan Iteimbinder, who looks kind of like a neurotic and twitchy Lara Flynn-Boyle, is wonderful as Darla, and I can't imagine any other actor who could have portrayed Simon better than the director himself.
Blinding Light!! Cinema Vancouver cartoonist Blaine Thurier's first feature film, Low Self Esteem Girl, which played to packed houses at The Blinding Light!! from February 17-20, is an amazing movie in several respects. The film's narrative revolves around Lois (the title character), a pretty young thing whose suggestibility propels her into some situations that are absolutely hilarious as long as you don't think about them too much. In following the events in which she is often an unwilling victim, the fairly episodic narrative spins off into some wickedly funny (un)realities. For example, when a young Christian falls in love with her and tries, with the help of his young pastor, to convert Lois to the faith, our heroine finds herself kneeling on the floor apologizing to Jesus for ignoring him for so long. The scenes involving the Christian sub-plot, such as the exorcism scenes and the ex-biker preacher's sermon, alone make the film worth seeing. The use of non-actors and some improvisation give the film a fresh quality that is quite engaging and a welcome change from the audience tested Hollywood crap. Certainly, the amazing fact that Thurier wrote, shot and produced this film entirely with his own money and equipment (cost: app. $8000) definitly led to a more experimental way of making the film. One wonderful thing about Low Self Esteem Girl is that all the craziness - the failed exorcisms, the horny guy using his dachshund as a prop in a cynical pick-up maneuver, the perpetually late pot dealer - comes together in a final scene that is funny as hell, and, yes, cathartic.
Amanda Stevens
Time to Take the Dog Out Back!
S
O I got me an eight-millimeter camera and a few volunteers but I've since learned that making quality porn is a lot harder than it looks. Leave it to the professionals, I always say. But then again, I've been told I say a lot of things. Ever tell any of you about this actress I once met from Saskatchewan? Well, we met at a Tom Waits concert (how often can you say that?) and we hit it off, baby. Or so I thought. You'd think I'd learned by now about Saskatchewan girls… but, nope. I reckon, that's right, I reckon I don't learn lessons too well… you know, my ma always said that. But I shouldn't talk about it. Saskatchewan girls depress me and my doc-
Melanie Harrison
This one other time, I had a prairie girl move out to the coast and live with me. It lasted 8 months before, over a bottle of the finest Queen Anne, I said, "Look honey, you ain't chewin' on that piece of straw here." And so she packed up and left. Something my Grandpa always used to say, "Boy, listen…. -You can take the girl out of the town, but you can't take the town out of the girl! tor says it's IMPOSSIBLE to up my prescription. HAHAhHAHA (burp).-" I was 9 years old then O.k., doc, I say, & self-medicate with a fifth. But and I said, "Huh? You drunk old man?" Now I a man can only drink so much goddamn whiskey, think, "No shit, gramps, no shit." (though I oft' wonder When I become a rock star, how much….) I'm more of a 'get 'em my first hit is gonna be about Alright, so she refused drunk and helpless' Saskatchewan girls and It'll be to be in one of my called, 'Rhymes with Regina' or kind of guy. films. Maybe, "Hey maybe, 'She Came with the Truck.' baby, how ya doin? G-damn… farm girls. Word of An actress, eh? Ever wanted to be a pornstar, advice? If you ever meet a girl and she says, baby?" was a little off. But I've never been too "Who me? Oh, I'm from Saskatchewan." You good at that sort of thing. I'm more of a 'get 'em just grab your money, cock, and drink and get drunk and helpless' kind of guy. Stick to what the hell out of there. But, please, don't take you know, I always say. But then she wouldn't my word for it because I told you so. drink with me! And then she stopped returning Cheers, (clink, slop, CLINK!). my calls. Ah, Saskatchewan bitches.… A.D. MADGRAS
Issue #2 March / April 2000
SUPERSUCKERS The Evil Powers of Rock 'N' Roll Koch Records
JOE "SHITHEAD" KEITHLEY Beat Trash Sudden Death Records
A wall to wall Riff-O-Rama, The Evil Powers of Rock 'N' Roll is the Supersuckers finest album to date. Released on their own label, Aces & Eights Recordings/Kock Records, it features some of the best production (courtesy of Kurt Bloch) I've heard in a long while. The sounds are all loud and clear, and it jumps right off the little speakers of my mini-system. Without so much as a single dead spot, the Supersuckers take you on a little tour of their world right from the opening statement of the title track, through a land of wrestlers, drugs, heartbreak, regrets, fightin', gamblin' and whatever else they can cram into their kickass life. The action is non stop. The subtitle of the album from their promo stuff is "13 new songs about liquor, women, drugs, and killing". They may pass themselves off as twodimensional cartoon badasses, but the band's secret weapons are their depth of talent, inspired arrangements, wicked riffs, and excellent lyrics matched to some top notch musicianship. These things are hard to hide, no matter how big your cowboy hat and shades are. Lately, they've been referring to themselves as the greatest Rock 'n' Roll band on earth. And after hearing this album and after seeing them live, I'm not going to argue. Mike O
Joey "shithead" packs a political, bloody punch in this latest album. Like his other ones, punk rock rides this album, driving his point home. His rockabilly 'expect crap from your government' style of writing is historically enlightening. Within the song, 'This Train's Bound For Glory' he adapts a 1860's Illinois spiritual and arranges his own lyrics accordingly. 'Dump the Bosses Off Your Back' is in the tune and tempo of an old hymn, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus'. The story behind that song and 'Banks of Marble' is a beaut. They're Wobblie songs from 70-90 years ago. Wobblies are, a.k.a. 'The Industrial Workers of the World' who started a union movement for decent working conditions and pay in Canada and he U.S. Some were executed for their actions including songwriter Joe Hill. Joe Keithley wholeheartedly believes in these songs, for they are true to the nature of humankind to this day. Thought provoking lyrics have the power to make you laugh, but also to make you stand up and form the intent to change your mind and break the chains of conformity. His spoken word segment 'The Road to Yugoslavia, D.O.A. in Yugoslavia, 1984' was recorded in the South Hill Candy Shop, a favorite watering hole as well as a safe haven for local spoken word artists and musicians (unfortunately, it burned down, but that's another story). On this album, the too true nasty side of this world is fully laid out in an anarchy survivalist sense. But he doesn't stop there. Keithley fully points out that you won't stand alone if you reach out with your own mind and will power to make a change in this growing APEC infested globalization and capitalism. Exposing the Christian Coalition in 'The Bible is Crap' is done to wicked rock and roll guitar and a rowdy crowd. The EQ on this album is mastered nicely. Some songs sound like they are recorded in a phone booth, yet the vocals cut through clean. His friends from D.O.A. and other various guys and girls back him up in vocals and instrumentation. "Armageddon Time" is full of hooks and very slinky with popping bongos. Overall, I give this CD 5 kick asses and 3 hallelujah brothers and sisters! Liz Wakefield KAREN FOSTER War is not enough Sudden Death Records Aggressiveness and 20/20 hindsight justifies the chaos this album throws in your face. The format they created is wickedly mixed together by Who Else at studios all over Vancouver. For an ever changing trio (like the essence of Karen Foster) they sure sound tight; covering the back alleys of newpunkrock. The music on this album has got an intellectual insight into the twisted politics of this fucked up economy we live in. Yankee Doodle the Truckdriver pours the bass on thick. Samples mixed in between the songs are like having too much t.v. to drink. 'Pennies From Heaven' has intensely drenched voice effects from a little show called Southpark. The sound effects spew power and far off war bombs-then out of nowhere, beauty in the form of punk flies out of the speakers. I love it
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Issue #2 March / April 2000
How 'Nearly Neil' (Diamond, that is) can Enlighten Mushroom Madness. 'Teonancatl'...flesh of the Gods a.k.a.... Mushrooms. Back in '93, while I travelling in the land of Oz, I sampled my first premium cup of mushroom tea. It all began one misty morning strolling through the paddocks with some fellow travelers, when we found Gold...well okay... the fungal version, Australian Goldtops ...compliments of a pile of shit. Horse shit to be exact. Many piles of horse shit. In truth, I was nervous, using every ounce of mental energy to suppress the neurotic hypochondriac that dwells with in me. I had good reason though... I mean, why in hell was I trusting some white guy with dreads? I still remember his ‘professional’ advice..."if it bruises blue, you're jammin', if it bruises yellow start digging your grave." Yeah thank-you Mr. Bob Marley of Finland; blue...yellow...that's the best you can do? Shit man, did this guy even know what colour he was? Anywho, the tea turned out to be fine, a little bit of giggles, a little buzz of energy, and a meandering stream of contemplation under the Southern Cross. Nice alternative to booze. Years passed before I came across the fungal trickster again, this time at a house warming in Seaschelt. Just after 4:20 a.m., feeling groovy, good ol' Danny boy brews a cup of what I now think were B.C. liberty caps and hey... there's Matt with an open bag of Mexican Cubensis. I, acting like a typical ignorant, gluttonous North American, decide to slurp up and dig in. I've done mushies before, good times, right? Not Exactly. You see, as a professional idiot, what I didn't realize is that a typical 'party dose' of mushrooms is 1 to 2 grams depending on the experience of the user. It's what you would most likely have in a tea or in a chocolate. It would be considered 'approaching the threshold' if you were a shaman or Albert Hoffman who once ate thirty two mushrooms in his pharmaceutical lab in Switzerland*. Also , some mushrooms are stronger than others and it's not uncommon for the strength to vary even within the same species. Well, fuck.
Psilocybin and psilocin, the two active ingredients found in most hallucinogenic mushrooms. (i.e. the ones that won't kill you) remarkably resemble the structure of serotonin. the neurotransmitter in your brain responsible regulating things like mood, body temp, sleep, appetite and memory. So unlike XTC, which chemically forces the release of your own serotonin, ingesting mushies introduces something not quite like serotonin but close enough to make your brain go "Huh?" and the mind go "Hmmm," or vice versa. It's a matter of chemical confusion. Picture yourself seeing Nearly Neil (our local Neil Diamond impersonator). He sounds like him, kinda looks like him, but there's somethin' that ain't quite right. So, in your mind you have a choice. If you were to see Nearly Neil, you could think "hmmm...impersonator", let your imagination loose and enjoy the show. On the other hand, you could think "Impostor!" and drive yourself mad trying to figure out why 'Nearly Neil' isn't really Neil; who is this guy, what's he doing here, how did he get in here… etc. You'll miss the show and only see a confusing charade.
Impersonator or Impostor? That's your choice. The point being that the power is always in your hands. I, for one, have not always been astute at exercising that power. But others are. It has been suggested that mushrooms and other plant hallucinogens, when ingested at doses beyond the threshold, act sort of like paint thinner for your ego; in other words, strip thy ego and know thyself. For me, at whatever dose it was, it felt more like paint thinner stripping my stomach lining. As for knowing thyself? Well, lets just say that I know enough to know that I don't need over intoxication to know I regard the real Neil as the real deal, but 'Nearly Neil' can sometimes have the right appeal. *Albert Hoffman-employed by Sandoz, father of LSD, endured massive hallucinations during that trip where the landscape outside began to resemble Mexico and the face of his colleague, an Aztec Priest. "...the rush of abstract motifs reached such an alarming degree that I feared I would be torn into this whirlpool of form and color and would dissolve."- One River- by Wade Davis.
Where in the hell was white Bob Marley of Finland, with all his wisdom, that night? After stuffing my face, enduring a very bizarre, sometimes painful experience, I was left with one question: what in the hell happened to me?
Billy Tender Flake
CD Reviews ...continued when the tracks are strategically meshed together in disorder in a seemingly orderly fashion. 'Fuk You' has an everlasting eternity groove to it in the 1st half, yet in the 2nd is on the contrary. An attractive song, despite the nasty lyrics. There is even a secret surprise inside the last track ... -a fleet of spaceships looking for a landing pad to probe and terrorize the creepy government down to its knees- comes to mind. Liz Wakefield
BURN Accoustallure You know when you get emotionally driven to the point that you grab the guitar and pour your heart out? Rob Burn does . . . and he does it well. Feeding off past experience and the urge to play acoustic, Rob’s lyrics poetically unifies his soul with his music. He describes situations we all seem to get ourselves into now and then. Usually playing plugged in and live
with various bands/styles - this left turn into acoustic land is an appropriate direction. Bluesy tones on some tracks and soulful, mellow folk on others. I also believe I heard a hint of Collective soul. I must admit, I ended up singing along with the chorus. Though Sayde Davis gave me a chill and a half, her back up vocals are worthy of an album of her own. Co-produced with Mike McHolm (who is also the engineer and cover artist) on a Tascam 4 track, Rob has a home style recording technique. Doug Naugler plays slide guitar with a classic blues feel on 'Breathe', and harmonica on 'Save Us All'. Darryl Shackelly plays percussion sweetly and rhythmically. Easy listening, something to relax to. Liz Wakefield
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Sick Little Monkeys
T
he night began like most others, with a healthy consumption of stimulants and hallucinogens. Much like Hunter S. Thomson and Robert Downey Jr., Cat knew the unique and refreshing perspective substance abuse can bring to a soiree. She lit a well-rolled joint, taking in the sweet herbs effects. It was still early. Plenty of time to go up & down, a rollercoaster in her mind. She knew she had better things to do. That drugs were bad, and sex was worse…at least that's what "they" tried to tell her. But Cat had been a "bad girl", labeled, branded and relegated to the underworld before her pubescence ended. She embraced the darkness now. The black, rain-slicked Vancouver streets were home. The junkies and crackheads... friends and neighbours. For nourishment Cat consumed drugs and sex. She was always so hungry…. Cat stretched and arched her back. The feel of her muscles, still slightly sore from the rigors of last night, pleased her. As her comfortable den filled with wisps of marijuana and incense smoke, she considered the evenings options. Before her lay a buffet of beautiful people… waiting. Waiting to be kept, and tied, and teased. Played with… like her pet mice. She loved her pets, but when she got too hungry, Cat sometimes ate them! Tonight the hunger was mild. Cat had sated her lust earlier by spreading her legs under the pounding warm water of her bathtubs' faucet. She preened her hair and sharpened her nails. Absentmindedly, she touched her neck, shoulders and breasts. As Cat smoked, she became immersed in sensual, slow motions and sounds. Cat loved to listen to the night. So many layers of music, lights, and activity to absorb.
bodies around her. She started to squeeze her slick thighs together and scanned for a meal. A pretty blonde with exposed breasts beckoned Cat with her intense gaze. Cat imagined her mouth on the girls' pink, erect nipples and responded by slowly walking over to her new friend. Hellos exchanged, they got to the business of kissing. Cat was surprised and delighted to find Mousie had a pierced tongue. Built-in toys thrilled her, as did her new girlfriends shaved pussy. It was going to be a good night! Cat was thirsty again. She ordered a double vodka from the bartender, to use as a chaser for her two hits of E. The music started a tribal rhythm that entranced Cat, and spirited her on to the dance floor. Amidst the semi-clad confusion, she began a teasing, undulating preamble to intercourse. Mousie joined Cat, approaching her with notso-shy hands on hips. They pressed against one another. Cat realized with a smile, that she was going to have to teach Miss Mousie a thing or two about manners! Minutes later, still smiling and hand-in-hand, Cat and Mouse left the club… (to be continued....) Welcome! My Sick Little Monkeys! Sick Little Monkeys is a column devoted primarily to the Holy Trinity of Sex & Drugs & R&R. Do not attempt any of the tricks, procedures, substances, positions, etc. demonstrated by Cat, Mice, or other Pets. Or, if you do, we are not responsible for the outcum. Note to The Incredibly Dull, Prudish, Sub-Urbanhetero-biblicalites: You don't like it, don't fucking read it. What are you, a masochist? If so, say so, come out of the fucking closet you whimpering, bed-pissing, pieces of shit! To Everyone Else: Nice To Meet You.
She started to squeeze her slick thighs together and scanned for a meal.
She slipped into her black, shiny PVC bodysuit and 4 inch heels. Cat liked to play in such costumes because they were water-proof, perfect for her rainforest climate. She had decided to visit Fetish Night at The Lotus. The once monthly event, put on by The Body Perve Social Club was always a pleasing playground. Tonite did not disappoint. A plethora of leather, rubber, PVC and costumed Exoticas danced, drank, touched, and spanked each other on the dance floor, and in the cosy couch grottos abound. Cat could sense the pheromones, heat, and musk of the hot
D. Cat ;-)
Cumming Soon: Bad Mousie!: Mousie Learns To Be A Good Girl! Boys and Toys: Use & Abuse Wolfman, Napoleon, She-Male-Minnie, and other Bad Dates Cat's Revenge 101: A Beginners' Guide to Producing Pain
Issue #2 March / April 2000
Two Young Girls
(part 1)
Enter The Venus Porn Theatre
T
he door to The Venus isn't where it should be (under the sign). Turns out you enter through the pizza shop next door. With a name like The Venus, I expected a steamy, sexy love den, red velvet curtains and ornate gold cherubs. I wanted to see chandeliers and a fountain, I wanted a plush and luxurious love palace. Instead, there was a guy with a mustache behind a plastic sliding window and a lobby without atmosphere. There were no plants or posters for the films, but somebody was kind enough to rip open the boxes the videos came in, and staple them to a black board. We told the guy selling tickets that we were a couple. He looked at me, he looked at Amanda, he looked back at me and said, "No, you're not." "Yes, we are," I said. "No, you're not. A couple is a man and a woman." "Haven't you ever heard of same-sex couples?"
we were there. The theatre itself felt like a high school assembly. Rows and rows of square metal chairs lined up in front of a huge screen. Everybody was exposed; you couldn't hide behind armrests and red plush cushioning. We arrived in time to see the final sex scene in Sex, Lies and the President, which was enough to convince us not to watch the entire thing when it played again after the second feature. Wicked At Heart starred Chasey Lain and Jill Kelly, two big time adult film stars. The film was a series of fantasies, strung together by scenes of Chasey in a bed with silk sheets and a vibrator as her partner tells her sexy stories. Although we found many of the scenes and fantasies arousing (Amanda really liked the one in which three women smeared each other with oil and slid around together on a plastic mattress), we
so hard, all the chairs on our side of the room shook.
Melanie Harrison
A steady stream of men came up and down two sets of stairs, which we presumed lead to a balcony. We could only imagine what was going on up there and hoped it was more interesting than the main floor… hoped for l e a t h e r , spanking, spikes. We braved the stairs but were disappointed to find the lights on, more rows of square metal chairs, and one guy sitting by himself. The balcony had a better view of the screen, making everything kind of larger than life. More guys came upstairs, circled around us, positioned themselves. You'd think risk of exposure would be a deterrent, but we could hear somebody panting in the back row. By the time the movie ended, we were more than ready to leave. If you're looking for a nice place to get you and your sweetheart in the mood on a fine spring evening, The Venus isn't the place to do it. Unless you find uncomfortable chairs and strange men a turn on.
Amanda really liked the one in which three women smeared each other with oil and slid around together on a plastic mattress I'm not sure what He looked skeptical, as though there could be no such thing. "Let me see some ID"
that had to do with it, but he saw we were legal and let us in as a couple. Once inside, the first thing we had to do was go to the bathroom. Which was up some stairs to another lobby, then up some more stairs to a door, which was locked. The ladies’ bathroom looked like it didn't get used that often. In the upper lobby there were some pinball machines and a few guys hanging around, unusual for adult cinemas-people don't really want to min gle or be seen. They want to go in, watch a movie, leave. We were definitely the only women in the whole place and we could feel eyes on us at all times. It felt like we were disrupting the natural order of The Venus. Nobody seemed to know how to react to us, or why
found it frustrating to watch in a theatre what was made to be seen at home on the VCR. Whereas older films made for theatre-viewing balance numerous sex scenes with a relatively engaging plot in order to hold the viewer's attention, video directors assume the viewers will have a remote control that allows them to watch what they please. By the end of two hours of non-stop mediocre sex, all we could think about were our sore butts. We got the feeling the film wasn't the main attraction, that there was something else going on. People came in and out, changed seats, left through the fire exit. When I first saw the hard metal chairs, I feared there'd be no jerking off. But, despite the lack of privacy, we could hear the rustle of clothing and heavy breathing on all sides of us. One guy was going at it
next issue: two youg girls visit the Fox Theatre on Main St. Roseanne Harvey & Amanda Steve
Issue #2 March / April 2000