The role of parenting on students’ relationships with academics

Nueva families reflect on academic expectations and their effects on students’ attitude towards education

STORY Natalie L. PHOTOS Lottie Rezneck, Lee Miller

Part I. How should someone parent?

The past decade has been a stirring pot of parenting methods in the Bay Area. San Franciscan author Amy Chua coined the term, “tiger mom,” in her 2011 novel, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, and advised parents to demand straight-A grades. At the same time, Montessori schools have sprung up around the peninsula that promote childled, unstandardized learning.

With a myriad of parenting styles, parents and their unique approaches play a formative role in their child’s relationship with high school education.

Lottie Rezneck, parent of Joshua R. ’24 and Lexie R. ’31, and Grace Li, parent of Vinca L. ’25, are Nueva’s co-chair leaders of Common Ground, a parenting-centric speaker series in the San Francisco Peninsula featuring experts in education and child development.

Li says that understanding personality can be important for parents to learn how to best support their child’s academic journey.

“Parenting is the hardest job on earth,” Li said. “After I failed through a cycle of encouraging, coaxing, scolding, and even threatening [Vinca], I realized that supporting my daughter for who she is and what she wants to do is the biggest gift a parent can give a child.”

Lottie emphasizes the responsibility parents have to help their child(ren) find a healthy work-life balance while simultaneously listening to their feedback.

“We [parents] are not going to be around forever in life,” Lottie said. “Our job as parents is to build the scaffolding and set expectations to enable our children to succeed.”

Even from a scientific lens, parenting approaches seem to play a substantial role in a child’s trust in their parents and ability to cope with stress.

According to upper school psychology teacher Amy Hunt, much of parenting is a “serve and return” relationship between parents and their child(ren).

“If a baby cries and a mother soothes it, that strengthens the baby’s trust in their mother,” upper school psychology teacher Amy Hunt said. “But, when that child gets into the teenage years, a serve and return exchange becomes a lot more complicated. The teen may need something different from the parent than offered.”

Lead upper school counselor Aviva Jacobstein highlighted the specific ways in which parents can support their children through school.

“I think that parents can have a really hard time when their kids aren’t doing as well in school as a parent believes they’re supposed to,” said Jacobstein, who regularly meets with overwhelmed, unmotivated, or perfectionistic students.

“Where I see things work out best for the student is when the parent doesn’t get reactive and invites their kid into a conversation where they try to find a solution together.”

With the nuances of a parent’s intent, methodology, and execution, parenting approaches and their effects on student wellbeing may be best recognized through an agglomeration of stories from families.

Part II. What methods do parents use to promote academic habits?

Three generations gather around a recording device on the dinner table— Brenna A. M. ’25, her father Lee Miller, and her paternal grandmother Dale Miller.

“I believe I do a good job of being of assistance when Brenna asks for help, but I'm still working on trying to figure out when to be or not be involved,” Lee said.

“When she was little, Brenna was thrilled to have my help with school work. Now, she wants more independence.”

Brenna positively views the adjustments Lee has made in involvement with her school work throughout her past two years at Nueva.

“In the beginning of freshman year, he was stricter and more involved with my schoolwork,” Brenna said. “But, after I talked to him about how that was actually adding to my stress, we found a system that works for both of us.”

Nowadays, Lee occasionally checks her Canvas account for missing assignments and emails her teachers to gauge her academic performance and habits.

“He helps me see that learning is really a collaborative effort and not just something I have to do individually,” Brenna said.

On the other hand, several parents describe themselves as more “hands-off” when it comes to academics.

“We just set expectations very early with Dominic that we expected him to take school seriously given that [Nueva] was such an exceptional place to learn,” said Andrea Evans, parent of Dominic L. ’23. “We don’t get involved unless he asks for help because it's important for students to learn how to advocate for themselves.”

“I appreciate that my parents let me lead my own academic and extracurricular life and let me decide how much advice or involvement I want from [my parents],” Lehane said.

Evans, who graduated from Harvard Law School, recounts past conversations she’s had with her father around higher education.

“After my first year of law school, I told my parents that I wanted to take a break from school and work, and my dad told me I was making a huge mistake. Looking back, I don’t regret staying in school, but it felt like choice was taken away from me,” Evans said.

Moreover, she reflects on how that experience has influenced her involvement in Lehane's college application process earlier this school year.

“For Dominic, I always want him to be able to take risks. [My husband and I] have had a lot of conversations with him about matching his [needs from a school] to the schools he applied to, but ultimately let him choose his college,” Andrea said.

Anjuli M. ’25 and her parents, Amy and Arnab Mishra, estimated that their engagement in Anjuli’s schoolwork was at a three out of ten, with ten being extremely involved.

“Anjuli is really independent, and I honestly wouldn’t know how to engage in her school work and extracurricular activities even if I wanted to,” Arnab said. “Generally, we are there to guide and advise, and watch for whether she’s engaged and putting in the effort. What matters most to us is that she’s always putting her best foot forward.”

Anjuli said that her parents’ relaxed attitude stems from trust in Anjuli’s work ethic and teachers at Nueva.

“My parents understand Nueva’s academic system and they know that I'm pretty good at managing schoolwork on my own,” said Anjuli, who has been attending Nueva since sixth grade. “I feel like I’ve kept a good reputation in that sense.”

Arnab reflects on how their parenting approaches with their children have been influenced by their own upbringing.

“My parents were never on top of my grades or anything, but I watched my parents struggle financially throughout my childhood and felt driven to take school seriously,” said Arnab, who is a child of first generation American immigrants from India.

“The world that I was growing up in is so different from what my kids experience,” Arnab continued. “When it comes to raising my children, it's more about passing down my parents’ values rather than specific methods.”

Similarly, Jennifer and Christian Sepulveda, parents of Natalie S. ’25, Eva S. ’26, and Michael S. ’29, were both children of immigrant parents who strongly valued education for its job opportunities.

“My father immigrated from Chile, a third world country at the time, so there was a very pragmatic emphasis in our household on the economic benefits of education,” Christian said. “Whereas with our children, we tell them that the end goal of education is not just to find a job. Rather, it’s a tool for Natalie to find something she’s passionate about.”

Natalie reflects on the different academic expectations between the generations of their family.

“I think the values of working hard and pursuing opportunities haven't really changed from my grandparents, to my parents, to me. It’s just the circumstances that have,” Natalie said.

In comparing and contrasting these families’ experiences, it may be unclear to what degree a parent’s attitude towards their children’s academics affects the child. However, students generally seem to respond positively when the parent is able to recognize and respond to the child’s needs.

Despite the nuances and challenges of parenthood, Brenna expresses gratitude towards her parents’ effort.

“From my perspective as a child, a lot of parenting is trial and error,” Brenna said. “[All parents] are really just trying to be the best parent possible.”

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