Ask Virginia
virginia ironside Memorial service bore
Q
My mother died recently and we’re having a memorial service for her. We’re having two speakers: one is a close friend of hers and an extremely good, concise speaker and the other is her brother. This man, even in my mother’s eyes, is an old windbag. He is a crashing bore who loves the sound of his own voice. How can we stop him droning on? He could talk for at least half an hour. Rebecca, by email seasoned and much admired speaker at these events has assured me that no one must ever speak for longer than two minutes. At no event was this better illustrated than at Harry and Meghan’s wedding where the preacher went on for a quarter of an hour. But getting speakers to stick to the rules is difficult. Would your uncle be happy to speak at the crematorium (where time is limited anyway) or in the church – where you will have only close family – rather than at the memorial service? That way he could feel special. Or could you get a young relative to film and direct the proceedings? That would involve a rehearsal, timing everyone, looking at the scripts and giving everyone ruthless schedules. It might even be sensible to get yet another two-minute speaker, whose main role would be to emphasise to all the speakers how important it is to be brief. Lighting and music at the service could give cues as to when he should shut up, too.
A
Q
Pandemic blues
I went to the doctor’s recently with what’s been diagnosed as depression. I’ve always been reasonably happy in the past, but now I’m beset with anxiety,
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98 The Oldie January 2022
can’t sleep, snap at people in shops and feel wretchedly disorientated. My GP said it was a common reaction after something as big as a pandemic, and that he’s been extra busy with patients with similar mental problems ever since the end of the summer. I was always locked in my room when I was naughty as a child, and I’m wondering if lockdown hasn’t brought back old memories. I thought these feelings would pass, but they seem to be getting worse. I used to be the life and soul of the party but now I just can’t face going out. J Hodges, Poole You’re articulating what everyone I know is suffering from to one degree or another. I recently attended a large lunch and the moment I entered the room I burst into tears. And couldn’t think of a thing to say to anyone. It could be that you’ve been instilled with such a fear of getting ill that you see any group of people not as welcoming old friends but as a seething mass of germs and viruses;or that you have developed a phobia about going out. Rationally you may know the chances of contracting anything are tiny but, at a subconscious level, the world seems an uncontrolled space, teeming with infection. The more you face your fears and keep struggling on, the easier it will get. And, if you get stuck, see a cognitive behavioural therapist, so you’ve got a bit of a helping hand.
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Children love cash
Q
I asked my 13-year-old grandson what he wanted for his birthday recently and he immediately replied, ‘Money.’ My problem is that I don’t want to give him money – it seems so cold and impersonal. Can you think of anything a 13-year-old boy would like? Name and address supplied
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A
Excuse me – you asked him what he wanted and he told you. A present is given to give someone else pleasure, not to give you the pleasure of wrapping something up and watching it being unwrapped. If you don’t want to give him money next year, then don’t ask him what he wants. The relatives I remember with extra-special warmth are those who, if met only occasionally, would always press a fiver or a tenner into my hand as a ‘tip’. Old-fashioned, I know, but money means so much to children of this age, who have so little power of their own.
Alzheimer’s paranoia
Q
I care for my sister, with whom I’ve lived all my life. She’s now 90. She’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and sadly is becoming very aggressive. I’ve resisted pressure to put her into a home. Recently she persuaded a care worker that I was abusing her; and because she’d fallen over she was covered with bruises. The police were called and I was arrested. Eventually it was sorted out and she’s now in a home, but I can tell the staff are wary of me. This has affected me deeply and I often feel suicidal. I would never hurt my sister. I’m now on my own – a pariah –and feel I have nothing to live for. Name and address supplied I’m so sorry. I’m sure your sister would be upset if she were aware she was putting you through this. I suggest you contact carersuk.org – they can put you in touch with other carers who are in the same situation. From your letter you sound like a wonderful brother.
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Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.
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