Ask Virginia Ironside

from The Oldie magazine January 2022 issue No 408

Taking a Walk: Maiden Castle, Dorset Patrick

Memorial service bore

QMy mother died recently and we’re having a memorial service for her. We’re having two speakers: one is a close friend of hers and an extremely good, concise speaker and the other is her brother. This man, even in my mother’s eyes, is an old windbag. He is a crashing bore who loves the sound of his own voice. How can we stop him droning on? He could talk for at least half an hour.

Rebecca, by email

Aseasoned and much admired speaker at these events has assured me that no one must ever speak for longer than two minutes. At no event was this better illustrated than at Harry and Meghan’s wedding where the preacher went on for a quarter of an hour. But getting speakers to stick to the rules is difficult. Would your uncle be happy to speak at the crematorium (where time is limited anyway) or in the church – where you will have only close family – rather than at the memorial service? That way he could feel special. Or could you get a young relative to film and direct the proceedings? That would involve a rehearsal, timing everyone, looking at the scripts and giving everyone ruthless schedules. It might even be sensible to get yet another two-minute speaker, whose main role would be to emphasise to all the speakers how important it is to be brief. Lighting and music at the service could give cues as to when he should shut up, too.

Pandemic blues

QI went to the doctor’s recently with what’s been diagnosed as depression. I’ve always been reasonably happy in the past, but now I’m beset with anxiety,

virginia ironside

can’t sleep, snap at people in shops and feel wretchedly disorientated. My GP said it was a common reaction after something as big as a pandemic, and that he’s been extra busy with patients with similar mental problems ever since the end of the summer. I was always locked in my room when I was naughty as a child, and I’m wondering if lockdown hasn’t brought back old memories. I thought these feelings would pass, but they seem to be getting worse. I used to be the life and soul of the party but now I just can’t face going out.

J Hodges, Poole

AYou’re articulating what everyone I know is suffering from to one degree or another. I recently attended a large lunch and the moment I entered the room I burst into tears. And couldn’t think of a thing to say to anyone. It could be that you’ve been instilled with such a fear of getting ill that you see any group of people not as welcoming old friends but as a seething mass of germs and viruses;or that you have developed a phobia about going out. Rationally you may know the chances of contracting anything are tiny but, at a subconscious level, the world seems an uncontrolled space, teeming with infection. The more you face your fears and keep struggling on, the easier it will get. And, if you get stuck, see a cognitive behavioural therapist, so you’ve got a bit of a helping hand.

Children love cash

QI asked my 13-year-old grandson what he wanted for his birthday recently and he immediately replied, ‘Money.’ My problem is that I don’t want to give him money – it seems so cold and impersonal. Can you think of anything a 13-year-old boy would like?

Name and address supplied

AExcuse me – you asked him what he wanted and he told you. A present is given to give someone else pleasure, not to give you the pleasure of wrapping something up and watching it being unwrapped. If you don’t want to give him money next year, then don’t ask him what he wants. The relatives I remember with extra-special warmth are those who, if met only occasionally, would always press a fiver or a tenner into my hand as a ‘tip’. Old-fashioned, I know, but money means so much to children of this age, who have so little power of their own.

Alzheimer’s paranoia

QI care for my sister, with whom I’ve lived all my life. She’s now 90. She’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and sadly is becoming very aggressive. I’ve resisted pressure to put her into a home. Recently she persuaded a care worker that I was abusing her; and because she’d fallen over she was covered with bruises. The police were called and I was arrested. Eventually it was sorted out and she’s now in a home, but I can tell the staff are wary of me. This has affected me deeply and I often feel suicidal. I would never hurt my sister. I’m now on my own – a pariah –and feel I have nothing to live for.

Name and address supplied

AI’m so sorry. I’m sure your sister would be upset if she were aware she was putting you through this. I suggest you contact carersuk.org – they can put you in touch with other carers who are in the same situation. From your letter you sound like a wonderful brother.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.

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A Merry, Mirth-filled Christmas to You All! We’ve decked the halls of Oldie Towers with boughs of holly and put together a festive funfest for you in the Oldie Comic. Santa’s Jokeshop has never been so busy, with constant larfs provided by our elite team of cartoon elves - from Kipper Williams and Nick Newman to the King of Comedy himself, Mr Barry Cryer. So stick on your Christmas slippers, lean back in your favourite armchair and prepare your ribs for a right old tickling!

January 2022 health warning: may contain nuts comic

Barry Cryer, 86, is one of Britain’s greatest comics and comedy-writers. He’s written for everyone from Bob Hope to Morecambe & Wise. Here are his 10 favourite, side-splitting gags...

A gorilla walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter. ‘That’ll be £6.50,’ said the barman. ‘What? That’s outrageous!’ said the gorilla. ‘You’re the first gorilla we’ve had in this pub,’ said the barman. ‘I’m not surprised at those prices,’ said the gorilla.

Graeme Garden told me this one A man goes into a record shop and says, ‘Have you got any records by wasps? I love listening to them.’ ‘Yes, we have!’ says the shop assistant. ‘Wonderful!’ says the man. ‘Do you mind if I listen to it first?’ ‘Of course,’ says the assistant, who puts the record on. The man listens to it and says, ‘That’s not wasps! The buzzing’s all wrong.’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the assistant. ‘I put on the B-side.’

‘Knock, knock’ ‘Who’s there?’ ‘It’s Grandad! Stop the funeral! Get me out of this bloody wooden box!’

A famous comedian visits an old folks’ home to tell them a few jokes. He chats away to them, tells some very good jokes and then his ego gets the better of him. He asks one old lady, “You don’t know who I am, do you?” She says, “Don’t worry, dear. Matron will tell you.”

A man walks into a bank on Monday morning and asks to see the bank manager. ‘I’m afraid he’s passed away,’ says the clerk. The man leaves - and then comes back again the next day and asks to see the manager again. The clerk tells him again, ‘I’m afraid he’s passed away.’ The man comes in again on Wednesday and asks the same question – and again on Thursday. He then comes in on Friday and asks the assistant manager the same question. ‘Look, we’ve told you every day - your bank manager has died,’ the assistant manager says. ‘Why do you keep on asking the same question?’ And the man says, ‘I want to hear the news again and again and again...’ A penguin walks into a pub. He says to the barman, ‘Have you seen my brother?’ The barman says, ‘I don’t know. What’s he look like?’

This is my favourite joke by Frankie Howerd An 82 year old man goes to his doctor. ‘I want a complete physical examination. I’m about to get married,’ says the old man. ‘How old are you?’ the doctor asks. ‘I’m 82 and she’s 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything’s working properly,’ says the old man. The Doctor said, ‘24! Well, I’ll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.’ ‘Yes, yes, what a good idea,’ says the old man. The doctor meets him again a few months later. ‘Did you get married?’ asks the doctor. ‘How’s your young bride?’ ‘She’s pregnant,’ says the old man proudly. ‘And, erm, how’s the lodger?’ says the doctor nervously. ‘She’s pregnant, too,’ says the old man.

I was once asked who, of all the great comedians, I’d like to have written for but didn’t. ‘John Prescott,’ I said. ‘He can light up a room just by moving away from the window.’

A man is walking down a train in Northern Ireland. ‘Is there a priest on this train, please?’ he says. ‘God love us, this is an emergency.’ Nothing. ‘Is there a vicar on this train, please? Emergency!’ Nothing. ‘Is there a rabbi on this train, please? We’ve got an emergency.’ Nothing. Then a man put his hand up and said, ‘I’m a Methodist minister.’ And the other man said, ‘Well, you’re no use to us - we’re looking for a corkscrew.’

A group of British people are flying home on a plane chartered by the government. The pilot’s voice comes over the intercom, saying, “We’re flying at 35,000 feet. Visibility is good. The weather in London is fine and clear, at 15 degrees Centigrade... Oh, and by the way, I’m working from home.”