Competition

Tessa Castro

IN COMPETITION No 289 you were invited to write a poem called The Hobby-Horse. I was surprised by how many of you took for a subject the folklore creature, often represented in mumming performances by a horse’s skull.

The children’s stick-horse and the all-too-favourite topic figured less, though Sue Smalley wrote of an old man long infuriated by items in newspapers: ‘Deep inside him angry hooves still beat, / Their furious echo bursts forth in a tweet.’

Commiserations to her, Con Connell and Fiona Clark, and congratulations to those printed below, each of whom wins £25, with the bonus prize of the Chambers Dictionary going to Basil Ransome-Davies.

The hobby-horse, the King Charles’ head, A fetish, a fixation: All monomanias bringing dread To every conversation.

What you’ll give she’ll always take –Drink your beer and eat your cake. Her next address you’ll never know; Open the door and let her go.

Ann Drysdale

Nick’s hobby-horse (a horse head on a stick)

Suddenly says, ‘Neigh!

Nick, stop! I need some hay!’

‘My mind,’ the boy assumes, ‘has played a trick,’

And brings him to a halt. ‘A talking toy?’ Nick marvels, gapes and gawks. ‘I’d hoped for a horse that talks!’

The stallion utters, ‘Hold on tightly, boy!’

And all at once they’re galloping pell-mell Way, way above the trees, Beyond the Pleiades!

Approaching Mount Olympus’ citadel, They’re jolted by a tolling, clanging jangle –

The school bell. Back to class!

The bidding

South West North East

1 ♥ Pass 2 ♣ Pass

2 ♦ Pass 2 ♠ (1) Pass 2NT Pass 3NT end

(1) Fourth Suit Forcing – ‘We’re going to game; more information please.’

At the table, declarer beat East’s knave of diamonds with the king and cashed the three top clubs. Pleased the knave fell, he enjoyed the two long clubs. He could promote one spade trick, but finished one down. In fact, the game had been unmakeable as soon as the first trick was over.

Let us replay. Declarer must assume the knave of clubs falls in three rounds to get even close to his 24-count game. This gives him five club tricks and two diamond tricks. Hearts are too slow and ‘gappy’. The reality is you need a second spade trick.

Communications are tricky. You must win the first diamond in dummy with the ace (you could duck a round and win the second with the ace). At trick two, you must lead a low spade and finesse the ten, hoping East holds the knave. As you hope, the knave draws West’s ace.

You win West’s second diamond with the king, cash the king of spades and only now play the ace of clubs and cross to the king-queen (no finesse of the ten in this black suit – the best odds for five tricks is to play the suit from the top). The knave falling, you claim three more tricks via the two long clubs and the queen of spades. Game made.

ANDREW ROBSON

It may be golf or NFTs. Lord knows it may be Brexit. But for the hapless addressees It spurs an urge to exit.

The harped-on themes, the pedant’s thrum, The endless myths and fables –Whence does this cloud of boredom come?

The hobby-horse’s stables.

I seldom get out any more, Don’t rue my disconnection. It gives me endless hours to pore Over my stamp collection. Basil Ransome-Davies

Bone white, star bright, Mari Lwyd comes tonight. She bears no malice, brings no sin, Open the door and let her in.

She is the horse that used to be The pitman’s drudge or the punter’s chance, But benevolent death has set her free To hit the road in a crazy dance.

But the dance is fast and the road is long

And often she needs to catch her breath, So she comes to your house to sing her song

Of the old illusions of life and death.

Abandoned on the grass, Nick’s steed lies comatose in the quadrangle.

Martin Elster

Beware the pub bore (male, of course) Keen to trot out his hobby-horse

At every opportunity, Especially, unfortunately, When hobby-horses are his spiel –Folklore, their history – all that he’ll Insist you want to hear. You’re trapped (And long gave up on looking rapt) While he evokes the Tourney, Sieve –But it’s the Mast with most to give. His favourite is the Mari Lwyd, How cleverly the sheet’s employed, How deathly sinister, until You’re nodding too. You’ve lost the will To think, to feel, to live and curse The hobby-horses’ universe.

D A Prince

COMPETITION NO 291 Owners of a plastic lawn once gloated while others laboured to cut their grass. Now fake grass is regarded as almost criminal. So a poem, please, called Plastic Grass Maximum 16 lines. We still cannot accept any entries by post, I’m afraid, but do send them by e-mail (comps@ theoldie.co.uk – don’t forget to include your own postal address), marked ‘Competition No 291’, by Thursday 9th March.

To advertise, contact Jasper Gibbons on 0203 859 7096 or via email JasperGibbons@theoldie.co.uk scc rate £45+vat. The copy deadline for our next issue is 20th February 2023

Mobility

To advertise, contact Jasper Gibbons on 0203 859 7096 or via email JasperGibbons@theoldie.co.uk scc rate £45+vat. The copy deadline for our next issue is 20th February 2023

UK Travel

To advertise, contact Jasper Gibbons on 0203 859 7096 or via email JasperGibbons@theoldie.co.uk scc rate £45+vat. The copy deadline for our next issue is 20th February 2023

Wanted

Motoring

Gifts

Genealogy

Your Ancestors Found

Retired school inspector, Cambridge history graduate, genealogist for 40 years, researches and writes your family’s history. No task too big or small. Phone 01730 812232 for brochure, sample report and free estimate.

Health

To advertise your business here contact Jasper on: 0203 859 7096 or via email: Jaspergibbons @theoldie.co.uk

Clothing & Bedding

Health

Music

Health

PETITE ORIENTAL BEAUTY Stunning Young Slim Classy Elegant and Friendly Lady. 2 mins from South Kensington. Call 020 7581 2144 IN/OUT calls.

UNDERSTANDING ATTRACTIVE CONTINENTAL LADY Offers memorable massage to discerning gentlemen in discreet Marylebone surroundings. 07932644459

My violent, ill husband

QAfter 35 years of a marriage that really wasn’t that happy – he could be violent and both of us had affairs – we considered divorce, but eventually decided we couldn’t afford it.

For another year or so, we didn’t speak much; just tolerated each other in the same house. Then, a year ago, he had a severe stroke. He’s in a care home and barely recognises me, and when he does, he becomes extremely pitiful and sentimental. But I feel so resentful. I have no pity for him, and resent visiting him at all. Is there any point? I know that if the positions were reversed, he wouldn’t dream of coming near me.

The trouble is he has no one else to visit him as our children refuse to go near him. Name and address supplied

AWhat he would do in similar, but reversed, circumstances has nothing to do with it. You must do what you think is right. Presumably you were once in love or you wouldn’t have got married. There must have been some sweet sides to him. But if you can’t think of a single thing, then simply think of what is the very best way to behave.

And notice I say ‘behave’. Inside, you can loathe and resent him as much as you like, but I believe you have a duty (not as a wife but as a member of society) to continue to visit, say, once a month for just 20 minutes at least. It’s not just that I think this would be right and civilised I’m also thinking of how you might feel if he dies. Don’t create for yourself any risk of feeling even the faintest guilt or recrimination when he’s gone.

I may be being too preachy here. I know this is the right advice but even I, in your shoes, would find it hard to follow, though I hope I would at least try. The Oldie is published by Oldie Publications Ltd, Moray House, 23/31 Great Titchfield Street, London W1W 7PA