TOS32

Reading between the Northern Line

Reading between the Northern FREE Line

December/January

THE I’m eating TURKEY this as m t s i r h C

OTHER SIDE

SAVED MY

BACON

vintage • what's on • film • music • food • art

ed's note

vintage?

Do you do

duE to tHE rECENt ‘credit crunch’ the whole of the UK has been left with a fashion dilemma. Diesel is just way too pricey, 120 notes for a pair of jeans is a hefty amount to pay, even with huge amounts of luxury cash. The answer lies within the Oxfam, Barnados and Marie Curie stores up and down the country. It’s time we left our Debenhams cards at home and started to splash our cash at the hoards of charity shops on every High Street in Britain.

If you are a bit concerned about the thought of wearing some old codger’s deceased husband’s suit jackets, we feel your pain. However, it’s something you might just have to put up with. feeling a bit flush? Well, do like the cool kids do

and head for the better sorted Vintage shops just about everywhere right now. They even have them in pubs these days, so you can drink and dress up at the same time (see our store guide on page 16.)

Even though we finished the mags in the oven and spent the last month cycling about on a Penny Farthing, we ain’t gone vintage mad.

We’re still bumbling about London doing our regular thing. We’ve got a checklist of films to watch over the Christmas period, a review of the year and there’s even a bit of confusion as to why Tinkerbell has hijacked the talking clock.

Have a great New Year and we’ll see you on The Other Side. ed.x

TOSer's this month; Sam, Adam, Nath, Josh, Ed, Nico, Steph, Matt M, Dan, Matt H, Richard, Becca, Sian, Rick & Jonathan.

Advertising enquiries contact steph@tosmag.co.uk Editorial enquiries contact info@tosmag.co.uk (c) no reprinting of anything without our permission

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Contents 3.

Surviving Vintage Get to the dusty shops sharpish...or not.

4.

For the love of Tink Cardorowski’s been dialling the premium rate numbers again

16. Shopping sian Medes investigates London’s quirky retro stores in search of a bargain.

20. 7 Stops The best London has to offer this month

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Black Box Dan Murdoch delves into places he knows he shouldn’t be.

30. Karaoke X-factor got you singing. We don’t want to hear you. There’s always dark London bars.

8.

Comic effect We go stateside and check out London’s finest political cartoonist export.

30. DIY Dinner We’ve sussed your NYE plans and sorted out a full menu for you.

10. Film What’s on this Crimbo & who is in it? We know & we’ll let you in on our secret here.

14. What’s on Get down with the kids on the old circuit.

34. Offside Sub me boss, please.

36. The Year of the Rat 2008 was a good year; but only if your name is Michael Phelps.

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retro-sexual

OH, sO YOu WaNT TO LOOk COOL? WHY DIDN’T YOu saY EaRLIER, HERE Is OuR guIDE

T

hat’s me. I love retro. I love searching through dusty, smelly old bags in a dusty, smelly old shop in some run down part of East London. Yeah, I really do love that. Last week I managed to pick up four bobbled hats for less than the price of four new ones, not to mention the lice that came free…at least I look cool in my tight denims, holey converse and checked shirt, and as long as I keep my woolly on, no one will be any the wiser about the fiendish little devils living in my hair.

Here’s our handy little guide to turning yourself from a rather dappa, All Saints wearing chap into an uber-cool, trendsetting vintagebeing...

4.

You’re almost there; you look great, smell fantastic and have a mode of transport. The final part, the piece de resistance is hanging out. Find a haunt that suits your new look style and find a drink that suits your haunt.

Chances are that you blew all your cash on the bike so you may have to settle for a warm £2 Carling, don’t worry though, back in the day they didn’t sell vodka and cranberry or weissbeer, you’ll take what you can afford and that’s final.

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first things first check your parent’s wardrobe, the older they are the better.

I hear Zoot suits are all the rage down London Town at the moment, so if your dad’s been lazing about in his high-waisted, wide-legged, tight-cuffed pegged trousers (aka tramas) and a long coat (or the carlango) with wide lapels and wide padded shoulders, then you best find a way into his cupboard. What’s that? Mummy’s been visiting the chemist in a frilly flowery chemise?

That’s shirt to you anglophiles, get it on, mix and match is the way.

2.

Right, you are dressed, the next stage is to throw on a little eau de dust (you can find this on any building site), however if your looking for a more authentic smell just pop into the nearest old people’s home and brush against their flaky skin, it does wonders with the vintage guys and chicks.

3.

The next step is transport; don’t get on the tube or buses. No sir, I suggest an old bicycle. If you are feeling flush, why not cough up five hundred quid for a Raleigh Chopper? Or not so flush, get down the local market and buy a 100 percent stolen bike off whoever looks el dodgiest.

Having problems fitting into the mould?

We’ve got more handy guides on our website and we’ll also, at a reasonable price, take you out and turn you into a vintage-being. No worries.

Get in touch now!

info@tosmag.co.uk to speak to us, get involved and have some fun.

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cardorowski

for the

The yanks always interfere with our national treasures, but this time they’ve gone too far.

Cardorowski defends the honour of this proud isle

H

love of tink

ave you called the speaking clock recently? I did. Not so long ago in fact. We had a power surge in NW Lunnun, everything flashed on/off/black/white and the clocks went ape (sat on their hands and ate bananas).

So I picks up the boneo and dialled the ol’123… I’m serenaded by the dulcet tones of that rather posh bint that told the time sponsored by the accurate wrist. Reassuring and clear, job done. But then the clocks went back (not all by themselves, y’unnerstand), and there’s that simple manoeuvre you can do, but I made an error and kept getting my kids to school too early and they began to get increasingly pissed off. So I dialled the posh bint again and awaited the… some bloody fairy from under the wing of the newly elected Barack Obama! Calling herself ‘Tinkerbell’ of all bloody things.

I’m well aware that, in the C21st UK, it might seem a trifle redundant to be told the time by a posh bint with cut-glass vowels and super-duper consonants but, why-oh-why do we need some cross pond Yank screeching down the dog to tell us what time it will be when she’s rung her bloody bell thrice? I’d wring her bloody neck, ring her sodding bell and spawn a coven of sprites, if it didn’t conjure images of a thrashing, flailing Julia Roberts on her death bed.

This latest encroachment into our hallowed heritage is surely but a triple jumper’s toe over the line of cultural exchanges that must bring about an immediate cessation to all familiarities.

I mean are we so irrevocably entwined with that Behemoth that we cannot even hold on to our

own beloved cultural icons without yielding to them the whining tone of the Eternal Complainers? Did Mr Barrie not habituate Hyde and not Central Park? Did the Darling family not live over the Bayswater Road, rather than over an Ocean? What possible connection does Neverland have with the Disunited States of America beyond attempts at Marketing, Commerce and Imperialism?

And yeah, obviously, it is but a book that has travelled and any reader has the right to interpret the story as they see fit, equally obviously, over there, that theme park perve had his own (muchloved) Neverland, that has since gloriously fallen into disrepute and disrepair, and yes Johnny Depp made a fantastic and beguiling Barrie, BUT… are ye not fed up with the preponderance of the Yank tones all over our waves, appropriating our tongue, our written word and our consciousness?

The use of those cadences to lend gravitas to stories that bear NO relation to that distant land mass? That belligerently pleading voice demanding that we spend whatever we can borrow? One sits watching kid’s TV and the tsunami of ads fronted by the bleating voices of the Empire winds one beyond any reasonable limit of self-control. It’s the voice of the Oppressor smugly reminding us that we’ve been had; that we surely are the 51st State and that they can do whatever the bollox they want with our tongue, our culture and our history.

The greatest pity is that

while they persist in urinating and defecating all over the same, we applaud and ape them while eating their junk, watching their crap and obsessing about their bloody elections. (All the while our democracy is being sold down the Swannee in slavish dependence to the mighty dollar). Weapons of Mass Distraction indeed! They dropped one right in our midst, way, way back, and we cradled it into our emaciated and weary bosoms in the hope of succour. But now its stuck there and we’re too frightened to rip it off and start again...

and we’re

the Suckers.

So then you put your investigative boots on and trawl the wwweb for a little insider info on The Tinker Bell and hey nonny nonny… first up? Those world wide purveyors of Yankee Dreaming, the Disney Corp, are about to present us with an animated piece of tripe that further removes us from the intended idea that Tinkerbell was in fact a rather mean tinker fairy, good with pots and pans, and not much else and was but one of a band of sprites bonded by the love of Pete at that. And a frightmare looms, those of us who’ve fallen under the narcoleptic spell of the Dream of Acquisition are about to be overwhelmed by the glories of a super-cheeky sprite who keens away in that irritating tone, akin to nothing so much as the nail and blackboard, all over the Festive Period.

And then the realisation dawns… we here, upon this Sceptered Isle, have become naught but a bright shiny billboard flashing at the world

flogging the wares of a civilisation that cares not two hoots, as long as the billboard is operational and unobstructed.

Time for a little obfuscation methinks, at least a complaint or two. Better still, a suggestion. How about we ask for the ribald tones of Ian Dury on the talking clock? What would he rhyme with clock? Hard I know from the grave, but modern technology and all that... Or some crazed loon like Miranda Richardson to give us a definitive and very English Tinker-sprite! Even bloody Bjork with her mad Icelandic/ Bristol accent would be truer to the ideal. But some air-brushed squeak with opalescent graphix? Puh-leeze! Let us agree now, those of us who might be tempted or tugged in the direction of a cinema by recalcitrant children, that we will NOT invoke contamination by this invasion of the Septic Ideal.

Instead I invoke in you the spirit of Peter Finch in the fillum Network. Are we gonna be ‘Mad as hell and not take it anymore’? Are we? Or are we just gonna roll over and take it any way that Uncle Sam feels like rendering it unto us. As he maintains and wipes clean his billboards/screens/ broadsheets/advertising opportunities. No! Let us further agree that we will appropriate the surfaces that are used to lie, cheat, steal, and deceive and make humorous the walk to work, the moments of idle waiting, the escalator creep; with messages of hope and wit, integrity and joy!

Come on! Y’know it makes sense. All that acreage being used to part you from the cash you’ve only borrowed anyway. Why not borrow a corner to pass on the message of love? Or take the whole bloody thing and dispel confusion with a simple slogan: EAT LESS or GIVE MORE THAN YOU THINK YOU CAN? Tink would be proud of you! Tinker that she was before Walt’s Wankers coated her in their saccharine. There’s a whole bunch of kids gonna grow up thinking that that wicked/anarchic sprite was sweet and positive, a helping hand in times of trouble. Read the bloody source material! Tink was a right pain in the arse and should stay that way. Certainly shouldn’t be trusted to tell us the time!

Get more Cardorowski madness at www.theothersidemag.co.uk/cardorowski

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AGE

ANGU L G N STRO S N I A CO NT : G N I WARN murdoch

BLaCK BOx

D

By daN MurdoCH

ROWNED out by the cacophony of the great Credit Crunch ’08 (please Mr Peston, explain it again) is a tale of deeply malevolent black boxes. Not the kindly, indestructible devices that record the final frightening moments of our passenger jets, but a square yet troubled sci-fi villain with a special talent for recording internet traffic. Your internet traffic.

Evening standard: ‘Black box’ will store all traffic on Net Guardian: Government black boxes will ‘collect every email’ The news was leaked after a meeting convened at the Home Office to discuss the scary sounding Interception Modernisation Programme and attended by a host of major IsPs from aOL to BT. The Independent quoted every security correspondent’s favourite - a ‘source close to the meeting’ - as saying: “It was clear the ‘black box’ is the technology the government will use to hold all the data.”

Who are these folk who hang around close to meetings? “Well I was adjusting the drapes in the room next door when I heard something about black boxes.” and what is a Black Box? I asked the Home Office which replied: “We do not recognise the term ‘Black Boxes’ and this was not a term used during the conference held last Monday with the Intercept Modernisation Programme and Communication Service Providers.”

Hmm so maybe our source near the meeting did mishear. Perhaps it was pack boxes and we’re to be monitored by a strange affiliation of unmade Ikea furniture?

The kind person at the Home Office directed me to the Home secretary Jacqui smith’s latest statements on the issue: “There are no plans for an enormous database which will contain the content of your emails, the texts that you send or the chats you have on the phone or online.”

Well that clears that up then, it was a horrible mishearing. so there are no plans to monitor the contents of my communications? all well and good.

But hang on. As every street magician knows, the name of the game is distraction. Before you rock back with your bifta safe in the knowledge that the next high won’t be punctuated by brain-wrenching fears of GCHQ spies spanking off over your letters home, let’s just look at what’s missing from that list. Other than ex-girlfriends, choice of antiperspirant and pubic hair trimmer setting (8mm). Internet searches.

Aaah internet searches. So the government may possibly perhaps want to keep a record of my internet searches. Either you’re feeling a terrible pang of guilt or you’re completely unabashed and therefore a eunuch, a bodybuilder or a Catholic (in which case you’re feeling unabashed but also strangely guilty).

To gain a feel for what such searches reveal we need only look over yonder pond. In 2006 aOL published three months worth of search logs for ‘research purposes’. There was such an outcry that the logs were pulled within days, but not before they had been copied and spread around the www.

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So what do you think of the interweb searches of this woman, which were released by AOL: little dogs licking the pussies of women women sucking the cocks on little dogs women who are sexually pleasured by their small dogs what are the signals that a dog is in a sexual relationship with a woman are little dogs aroused by women lonely women sexing small dogs lady getting her pussy licked by a shitzu sexing her ten-pound dog teachers like dog cum too women allowing the penis knots of dogs to be inserted into their vaginas why do small dogs sniff a female’s panties is a neutered dog interested in licking a woman’s pussy I’m not judgemental, and if you ask me the dog was gagging for it, but still I’m not sure the woman would like to openly flaunt her strange sexual peccadilloes. Now although the searches were only linked to IP addresses, it was possible to work out who inputted them from the many clues including so called ‘vanity searches’ – searching for your own name.

So my log might read: Dan Murdoch Donating to the BNP Mel Gibson What Women Want From this you might guess that I’m a vain, fascist homosexual. That was just an example, but we can agree it is fairly intrusive. I probably wouldn’t want any potential employers seeing that, nor friends and family.

But they wouldn’t, or so the government always claims. And yet you would have to have been living deep inside your shiatsu’s rectal cavity not to notice that our kind and benevolent leaders aren’t leading lights in looking after information. How long until your searches turn up on a train/bus/second hand hard drive?

And we shouldn’t assume the government will always be benevolent.

Racists, Nazis and homophobes do come to power, whether in Weimar Germany, Tsarist Russia, McCarthyite America or The Daily Express.

And these are exactly the types of regimes that want to know your perks and perversions in order to more accurately target their discrimination.

Rulers that don’t want gays, liberals, Buddhists or little dog fuckers.

“But hang-on,” the Animal Liberation Front cry, “that woman should be watched, she bums dogs.” Well yes, maybe you’re right. But how useful is a database that records kabillions of bits of data? As one expert told me, the bigger and less specific a database is the less useful and more unwieldy it becomes. Or as one source close to the meeting of the people who were close to the guy who sat close to a shiatsu at school told me: “We’re looking for a needle, but they keep building haystacks.”

Read more Dan Murdoch at theothersidemag.co.uk

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archer

COMIC EFFECT cartoonist DAN ARCHER TELLS US WHAT PUTS LEAD IN HIS PENCIL

How did you start out?

When I finally stopped ignoring the signs, and realized that what I was meant to do was actually what I’d been doing all along. I spent lessons at school covering every inch of my textbooks in doodles, I went straight for the cartoon gigs in the newspapers at uni, and I kept a blog of drawings for a few years, but still it didn’t occur me that I should do this for a living.

I tried out the creative industries but it didn’t really work out. I was both bored and repulsed by work experience in an ad agency (I remember being told I wasn’t passionate enough about brands – quite the compliment, it turns out).

It hit me hard one day that I needed to be drawing my own graphic novels not marketing someone else’s, and on that day I handed my notice in. I pursued an ad I’d seen for the Center for Cartoon Studies in Vermont, and off I went to the wilds of New England to do an MFA in cartooning.

Any advice for aspiring comic artists?

Think long and hard about why what you have to say is different to the humungous amount of work that’s out there already. Then produce work.

Every day. Put together minicomics and comics anthologies, then collect them into self-published books through sites like lulu.com, and of course stick them up online. Then point the world and his wife at your site. Try and organize a group of other cartoonists in your local area – it’s always heartening to hang out with like-minded, passionate and penurious folks who aren’t in a 9 to 5. Join one of the many hordes of online communities out there on livejournal and flickr.

And believe it will happen. Half the battle is keeping at it and having faith in yourself.

What’s the beef with Burger King?

I got interested in Bernie Sanders – the only socialist politician in US history and Vermont’s senator. He was chairing a committee on labour

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rights, highlighting the plight of these Central American tomato pickers down in Florida, and the more I read about it, the more I realized I wanted to help point out this injustice, and that a comic (opposite) about it would be the perfect way to spread the word. Burger King USA have since backed down and agreed to the pay rise we were campaigning for, so the comic is now being used by charities in the US like the Student Farmworker Alliance to highlight their victory. It’s rewarding to know that you’ve been a part in forcing a major corporation to operate more fairly.

Are you inspired by political topics?

Well, everything’s political. But yes, I’m interested in art that wants to be more than a pretty wall adornment or a bit of photoshopped eye candy in the glossies.

Political issues get so little coverage compared with genres like fantasy or autobio in comics, but the number of people reading comics and graphic novels is going up exponentially so I see them as a way to try to make people think and learn.

The beauty of comics is that you can condense a complicated topic into a visually appealing and digestible format, so that even the most apathetic of readers ends up finding out about something they wouldn’t ordinarily have thought themselves interested in.

Any comic artists you look up to?

People like Joe Sacco (Palestine, Safe Area Gorazde), Dan Clowes (David Boring, Ghost World), Adrian Tomine (Summer Blonde, Optic Nerve), Seth Tobochman (World War III), and Jason Lutes (Berlin, Jar of Fools). Though anyone who checks out Chris Ware’s stuff will be blown away, especially the acme novelty library.

What do you love about London?

Aside from all my oldest friends and family, the three places I go first when I’m in town are the second hand book market under Waterloo bridge, aint nothing but the Blues Bar in Soho, and the Cartoon Art Museum on Little Russell Street.

See more of Dan Archer's stunning work at www.archcomix.com.

For the rest of his interview go to theothersidemag.co.uk

film

Hype machine By adaM riCHMoNd

T

HE year is wheezing to an end and in terms of films it’s been all about comic book blockbusters. The Hulk got reimagined, Iron Man took flight, Hellboy battled a golden army and The Dark Knight sliced and diced the competition to pieces (with a little help from The Joker). Other than that we had a Bond extravaganza and vampire hordes in I am Legend. all was preceded by the usual fanfare and hyperbole, and was pretty solid entertainment, but except for Batman, was rather forgettable stuff. Surely next year can serve up something a little bit more permanent. Well, let’s ‘ave a look shall we?

Watchmen

starring: Billy Crudup directed by: Zack snyder out: March Quite simply the best graphic novel ever. the sheer depth of story, heady violence and dark humour makes it seem unfilmable, but dawn of the dead and 300 director snyder has dared to take it on. Critics were screened 30 minutes of material and the acclaim was universal. snyder has lavishly followed the colour scheme of the book and the attention to detail is breathtaking.

Let’s hope he nails the story too.

The Wrestler

Terminator 4: Salvation

starring: Christian Bale, sam Worthington Directed by: McG Out: March Ignore the fact this is directed by the man who brought us the double shit sandwich that was the Charlies angels films, early footage suggests this should kick serious arse. Picking up in the post-apocalyptic future hinted at in the previous films, T4 follows John Connor’s battle with the machines. Christian Bale doesn’t tend to do shit and he’ll lend the film the depth and gravitas it deserves.

Could this be a dark, meaty action film to rival The Dark knight?

Here’s hoping.

Starring: Mickey Rourke Directed by: Darren Aronofsky Out: January The reviews for this tale of a past-it professional wrestler Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson reconnecting with his estranged daughter have been overwhelmingly positive, not least for Rourke’s central performance. Aronofsky has been a director to watch ever since his cerebral mind fuck that was Pi. He continued to impress with the dizzying Requiem for a Dream, but disappointed many with the meandering and confused The fountain. The Wrestler sees him back on towering form and broadening his range once more. This is definitely one of the must see films of the year.

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Revolutionary Road

starring: Leonardo di Caprio, kate Winslet Directed by: Sam Mendes Out: January Bringing the Titanic duo back after all these years, but this time the finished product should be actually worth watching and not a steaming pile. Based on Richard Yates’ stunning novel, the story charts the disintegration of a 1950’s marriage and is a funny, heartbreaking and beautiful evocation of the era. Mendes and co should knock this out of the park.

Valkyrie

Starring: Tom Cruise, Kenneth Branagh, Eddie Izzard, Bill Nighy Directed by: Bryan Singer Before kick-starting the X-Men series and bringing Superman to a new generation Bryan Singer was a proper director, making serious genre bending films – Public Access, The Usual Suspects, Apt Pupil.

Putting the spandex away Singer has returned with the pulse-racing tale of the attempted assassination of Hitler. The production was rife with controversy and the release date has been pushed back, which is generally a bad sign. But forget the Scientology mumbo-jumbo shite that follows Cruise like a bad smell, he is a good actor who makes interesting and daring films. Teamed with a good script and great director, I don’t see how this can be anything other than riveting stuff.

Che Part 1 and 2 Starring: Benicio Del Toro Directed by: Steven Soderbergh Out: January and february Coming in at an arse-numbing four hours, Soderbergh’s longgestating biopic of T-shirt adorning, student favourite Che Guevara. The word was mixed at Cannes as the critics either hailed its vision or were overcome by it’s length. Thankfully (or not) the film has been split à la kill Bill for us simple folk, giving us a month’s recuperation between chapters.

Expect a career-best performance from Del Toro and a stunning depiction of guerrilla warfare.

Read more film stuff at theothersidemag.co.uk

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SQueen’s speech,

film

od the

By Matt HaMM & adaM riCHMoNd

i’m going to the cinema sooN it’s CHristMas and all that nonsense that comes with it. Cue family arguments, Noddy-bloody-Holder coming out of every orifice and the Queen being wheeled out on a golden plateau to remind us of the year that she’s already forgotten... but let’s not be all bar-humbug about it, no...for there is reason to be jolly... the cinema.

What better place to spend time with the family than a dark room where no one can speak. a place where your Nan can’t say something inappropriate to your other half. a home where the sound is so loud that your uncle can’t repeat the same gags as last year.

A sanctuary for those who need to escape Bing Crosby and the rest of the Christmas tosh that will no doubt get played... Odeon, vuE, Empire, we salute you.

Transporter

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starring: Jason statham directed by: Olivier Megatron out: Now what’s it all about: Do you really care? statham drives and fights, and fights and drives...

Buzz: If you loved the very silly, but quite fun really first two, then you’ve probably booked your ticket (or should have). If you aren’t familiar with this gleefully stupid action series then shame on you. Go and buy the boxset and marvel as Statham kicks merry arse all over the merry shop.

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The Day the Earth

Stood Still

starring: keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, John Cleese, kathy Bates. directed by: Scott Derrickson out: 12 December what’s it all about: A remake of the 1951 classic sci-fi film about an alien visitor and his giant robot counterpart who visit Earth warning of impending doom to Earth... dun dun duhhhhh.

Buzz: As if this needed to be remade. Although the original looks a little dated now, it most definitely did not need the Hollywood Botox attention. Lucky for keanu, his character Klatu is a straight talking, fairly flat alien life form. Reeves can play it straight but can we fall for Klatu’s innocent charm? Expect no more than 3 stars for this film, in fact they should be happy with that. go down to your local DVD shop and buy the original.

Yes Man starring: Jim Carrey, Rhys Darby, Terence Stamp directed by: Peyton Reed out: 19 December what’s it all about: Danny Wallace’s second solo book, Yes Man, describes the six months of his life where he said “Yes where once would have said No”, to make his life more interesting and positive. Now turned into a film, Jim Carrey hops into Wallace’s seat.

The Spirit

starring: scarlett Johansson, Eva Mendes, samuel L Jackson directed By: Frank Miller out: 2 January

Buzz: A kinda “not-terrible-but-not-brilliant” feel about this film strikes me. The book is very funny and Wallace’s delightful British bashfulness works wonders. But this is a Jim Carrey so expect gleeful mugging, fart jokes and an ending so sugary sweet you’ll catch diabetes. Even if it does fall flat on its bloated Hollywood arse it does have the fantastic Rhys Darby (the hapless manager Murray from Flight of the Concords) in it, so it can’t be all bad.

what’s it all about: Rookie cop Denny Colt is killed in the line of duty but he soon returns from the grave as The Spirit, a hero whose personal mission is to fight against Central City’s forces of evil and the implacable crime kingpin known as The Octopus.

Buzz: From the creator of Sin City, The Spirit sure does look good and boasts some of the fittest women about wearing kinky and rather revealing costumes.

But will it be all style and no substance?

And will you care when Scarlett’s heaving bossoms make an appearance?

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what's on

Vintage So you are all dressed up with nowhere to go. fear not, stephanie clive will take care of your social life, just try to look normal

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THE LAST DAYS OF DECADENCE This new Shoreditch bar’s art deco interior and late license all point towards it putting on some great vintage nights. It aims to take hedonism to new levels, which should come as a breath of fresh air in these times of economic doom.

The venue’s listings, created by the team behind Be Events, show a mix of old and new, but vintage lovers should look out for the return of Fitzrovia Radio who were there last month performing and recording retro radio plays in their customary cut-glass pronunciation.

145 Shoreditch High St, E1.

See www.thelastdaysofdecadence.com or www. fitzroviaradio.com for more info and listings.

Nearest tube: Old Street

The Lady Luck Club

Lounge lizards, pimps, hoes, teddyboys and mods are all welcome at this open-minded night, but whatever you do don’t arrive in sportswear.

Expect an eclectic mix of Roots, Blues and Rockabilly from 1940’s-1960s vinyls, with live bands and burlesque performances to spice things up after midnight. Well-known London vintage DJ El Nino is host to three floors of good times until 5am on the first Saturday of every month at Platinum Bar, 23-25 Paul St, EC2A. Nearest tube: Old St. or Liverpool St. Also look out for info on the Lady Luck New Year’s Eve Ball with performances from Cookie and the Cutters and America’s Little Victor. www.ladyluckclub.co.uk

Welikeswaps.com

These guys sure like to swap. Whether it be clothes, shoes, books or CDs, you can join them and exchange your vintage items for someone else’s…or offload your old rubbish on some other idiot, depending on how you like to look at it. At the ‘Swap Til’ You Drop’ Christmas Party, Lady Luck Rules OK will be on hand to help you beat the squeeze and save the planet by turning your old jewellery into something new.

Check out the website to buy tickets to the swap.

Swap Til You Drop Xmas Special on Thursday 11th December 7 til late @ Superette Studio and Shop,

London E1. Nearest tube: Liverpool Street. www. welikeswaps.com and www.ladyluckrulesok.com

Hula Boogie

Organised by DJ Miss Aloha with help from the Reverend Boogie, the Hula Boogie brings you a wide selection of music from the 1930s to the 1950s. In the tropical surroundings of a kitsch Kennigton bar you can improve your vintage moves with an early evening jive class and perfect your look with a last minute purchase from that month’s chosen vintage vendor. The night is held every third Sunday, and in December it’s the Hula Boogie Christmas party with live acts, burlesque, Voodoo Betty’s Boutique and free mince pies. 7pm-1am at the South London Pacific Tiki Bar, Kennington Road.

Nearest tube: Kennington. myspace.com/hulaboogie Running nightly from now until Crimbo

CafE Provencal

A much-loved South London stalwart, this large and colourful restaurant also boasts an amazing soundtrack of retro tunes. Sit back with a portion of their famous garlic chips or hang out at the bar and listen to a fantastic selection of vintage Rock ‘n’ Roll, Reggae, Roots, and Rhythm and Blues, compiled by the co-owner Adam Shipley. If you ask really nicely, he might even give you a CD to take home.

Find out more at www.cafeprov.co.uk 2-6 Half Moon Lane, SE24. Train: Herne Hill - take the overground from London Bridge

Shake, Rattle and Bowl

On the first Saturday of every month the Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes host a night of retro music and cinema presented by Dolly Rocker (of Buttoned Down Disco fame). The 50’s and 60’s Rock n Roll, Soul, Motown, Freakbeat and Ska are just the thing to snap your fingers to, but if you get sick of the dance floor you can always try some bowling, karaoke, or take to the diner.

The Lanes are located in the basement of the Tavistock Hotel, WC1H. Nearest tube: Russell Square or Euston. www.shakerattleandbowl.com

15

shopping

N E LD

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S E TIM

o loads t ets and iot in a k r a m n id a nd sho ps ) like a d look mporiums so f g re a t n o a ( s l n e o ee ’ll fe milli t vintag re, you here’s easy. T hopping befo London’s bes e b ld nd hou ge s ndon s ’t been vinta tle jaunt arou n in Lo n t e li io v a h a s h k a f oo ou vintage om. But , if y ur tain. so, I t fr c e a s e o k o li ch ks hat loo o. d re s s t et v a h 179 Drury Lane n’t you do

Q

Wow Retro

Q

Bang Bang

21 Goodge Street

This shop is fantastic. A perfect little shop with everything from high street, to designer and vintage cast offs. The impossibly pretty staff are friendly and helpful, but the shop itself is a bit of pot luck. If you rummage about, you can pick up some real bargains. Or, if you want to spend a bit more, you might just come out with a Dior piece at 1/3 of the price. Bargain.

Best buy for under £20: Dresses for as little as £15.

Top Vintage Tip: Most things you buy are “sold as seen”, so make sure you check for moth holes and loose seams. If you won’t bother getting things fixed or altered, don’t buy it.

They’ll never see the light of day.

seemingly better for guys than it is for girls. (You just have to buy a cool suit jacket and shirt and then you’re set. very unfair). You’ll really have to dig in those elbows if you want to find a bargain.

It’s hard to find good stuff in here without trawling through every single rail. Although to be honest, most of the good stuff is out on display already - sometimes it’s not worth the effort to hunt, although you might be lucky.

Best buy for under £20: Polka dot dresses perfect for summer - £15. (Don’t laugh, I’m optimistic)

Top Vintage Tip: Get things dry cleaned before you wear them. Unless you like the smell of moth balls and old men.

Beehive

Q Creek Road, Greenwich

This place in Greenwich is a bit like a shop (it’s in the same spot flying Duck Emporiums was) but it is fun as it has a cafe and a record shop in it as well. It’s not much good for fashion, but if you want to spend some money on home stuff (£70 for a bright pink retro phone) then you’ll do well here. Prices are aimed at tourists so it’s not cheap, but it’s fun for a poke about if you’re in the area.

Best buy: Wish I’d spent £12 on one of their big floppy hats. Dammit. might go back later today and get it.

Q

Absolute Vintage/ Blondie

Q

VintageHart White Hart Lane in the White Hart Pub, Crystal Palace.

15 Hanbury Street/ Commercial Street.

This place is fantastic. Really brilliant. If you want to shop vintage, and you want it easy, go here.

You’ll come out with a whole bunch of stuff.

Their sister shop, Blondie is on Commercial Street and is a bit swankier. Think vintage Dior sunglasses and floppy hats. Shame I can’t carry off the floppy hat look - I really, really want one.

Blondie arrange everything by colour, which can be a blessing if you don’t mind staring at a whole load of bright pink.

Best Buy: Tea dresses in Blondie if you can afford them, otherwise pick up a handbag in Absolute Vintage for as cheap as £6.

Top Vintage Tip: Don’t dress head to toe in vintage. Unless you’re a fashion/art student, it looks silly. It’s can be an expensive habit to keep up as well.

VintageHart is a great little find. It’s in a pub for a start. Hurrah! But the shop has original clothes and some great bargains. Dawn and Annette are lovely and really helpful so you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for. Come here for one-off pieces for a special event. Their winter coats are fantastic and you might even pick up some cufflinks for the other half while he props up the bar next door.

Top buy: Petticoats for £18 or their jewellery is pretty well priced too. Cufflinks are £10.

Top Vintage Tip: Still confused? Buy a belt, or a handbag. It won’t break the bank, but you’ll still have that “no one else has got this” feeling

Q

Twinkled

Unit 1.5 Kingly Court

One of the best vintage shops in London, if you can get past the Carnaby Street feel. It’s like Kingly Court raises one perfectly tweezed eyebrow at vintage in a “we know it’s cool, but we’re not happy about it kind of way”. Fun. The best buys in here are usually their furniture and home stuff. Dresses tend to be overpriced, but you can pick up some great accessories.

Best buy: Jane Shilton Handbag - £27. (Not within my £20 budget I know, but it’s so pretty I don’t care.)

Top Vintage Tip: Don’t limit yourself to fashion. There’s always great 60s tableware and other home stuff that’s often better value.

Vintage shopping is meant to be fun. It’s all about having a nose about and trying things on a looking like an idiot. Try on the hats and you may look a fool, or it may bet the best look you’ve ever had.

Sometimes you have to pay a bit more for what you want, but that’s a good thing. As long as you make sure you’ve got something that’s good quality, you’ll wear it forever.

17

something for the weekend

SHARPES BARBERS

www.sharpsbarbers.com 13a Charlotte Street With countless parties and general daily madness on the agenda for December, you’re going to have to make sure you are looking, and feeling, the business. Sometimes tearing that beard off is just the answer.

The minute you walk in the door of Sharpesyou enter a different realm altogether. Retro prints of Chaplin and Marx and a vintage 50’s Blaupunkt radio are neighboured in between a row of LCD TVs and a graffiti scrawled New York subway map.

The fusion of the traditional and the modern is central to the Sharps image and by using that philosophy they provide an impeccable service.

Throughout December, the guys at Sharps have kindly offered a 20% discount on all services exclusively to The Other Side readers. Head to their gaff, show them your copy of The Other Side and let them work their magic!

Sip on a cold beer while you relax in a classic Belmont barbers chair as one of the staff demonstrates their mastery with the scissors and razor. The haircuts are meticulously worked on and the shaves are how a shave should be.

Perfectly housed for those wishing to take a timeout from the rigour and exhaustion of a shopping trip with a custom of giving clients exactly what they want. The staff are professional and non-pretentious and with a varied service list starting from a mere £8, there is something to suit all styles and budgets.

BERTY & GERTY www.bertyandgerty.co.uk.

Camden Lock shop, Berty & Gerty stall in the Upper Market Hall Camden Lock, Open: Weekdays 9:30 to 6 / Weekends 9 to 6 Open everyday: except Xmas & Boxing day.

Serving up a selection of vintage accessories from the 1930's to present day including; ladies 80's leather slouch boots; exotic skin clutch bags and designer stiletto's.

Popular Products: Hand- made gents and ladies Christys trilby hats; Gold Sex and the City style love bangle; pop red plastic bow ring; Chanel 2:55 style black leather chain pom-pom bag.

Bargains galore with many vintage shoes, bags and boots under £15.

Not to mention celebrity customers: Sienna Miller and the one and only Meat Loaf!

email us info@tosmag.co.uk or www.theothersidemag.co.uk

webjam

The Phoenix Cinema The Phoenix Cinema Trust is planning a project, with the planned support of the Heritage Lottery Fund, to undertake urgent building work to maintain and restore the 1910 auditorium as well as more fully refurbishing the cinema to restore its exterior and interior art deco features to their 1930s glory.

Kings Crossover Weds 31st December For NYE this year, we suggest this; on one side of the road: Big Chill House, will have legendary house party Sancho Panza & on THE OTHER SIDE: Camino will be Transformed into a retro London fiesta with Spanish snake dancers, sword fighters, tango dancers and fire-breathers as well as bands and DJs playing jazz, blues, rock’n’roll and Latino. Watch out for the lollypop lady, guiding revelers from cabaret to carnival and back again, too.

Alongside this, there are plans in place to convert current office space into a substantial café and bar area, featuring a striking terrace at the front of the building overlooking the high street.

Films through december include ‘White Christmas’, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and an Icelandic thriller ‘Jar City.’

East Finchley High Road, tickets £5-8

East Finchley

Archway

Highgate Brent Cross

Tufnell Park

Chalk Hampstead Farm

Golders Green

Belsize Park

Camden Town

Euston

Until Wed 31st December Start NYE with some laughter. This is the last chance to see the almighty Bill Bailey perform his Tinselworm tour. For anyone who missed out his spectacular festival tours over the summer (either due to not being there or just the fact you couldn’t get near the stage) then this ticketed (phew) event is for you. He talks madness and creates musical works of absolute genius.

The Giulgud Theatre tickets from £12.50

If you would like to advertise something in 7stops then please contact us at : info@tosmag.co.uk

Angel Warren Street

Mornington Crescent

Bil Bailey

20

Old Street

Kings Cross

Kentish Town

Moorg Tottenham Court Road Goodge Street

La Clique According to their website la Clique are an international entertainment sensation...erm, we checked them out and it is an entertainment sensation! Among the acts collected in ‘LA CLIQUE’s international menagerie of the bizarre’ are Norway’s outrageously bendy Captain Frodo (yes really) hula hoop expert Yulia Pikhtina, the PVC-clad Miss Behave (uh huh) who likes them sharp and pointy, and erm Ursula Martinez whose (ahem) show-stopping routines literally strip cabaret down to its bare essentials.

Enjoy!

The Hippodrome (seriously)

Lei

Ice Skating

8pm - 5am / £35

But where to do it? Somerset House undoubtably provides one of the finest backdrops to do your best Torvil and Dean impressions...or not as is often the case. If Somerset House doesn’t tickle your fancy try going south to Kew Gardens or Hampton Court. Otherwise there’s one behind Liverpool Street, at the Tower of London and also outside the Natural History Museum. Make sure you book because space is limited. If it’s too cold and rainy then do as we do and sit on the side with a hot chocolate, laughing and pointing!

Prices vary between £8 - £13

London Bridge

Charing Cross

icester Square

Almeida, London Covent Garden

Borough

Bank

gate

In a Dark Dark House

Elephant

Kennington

Waterloo

Stockwell Oval

Embankment

www.lacliquelondon.com

Tickets from £10

Cold War Modern Until Jan 11th “Art and design were not peripheral symptoms of politics during the Cold War: they played a central role in representing and sometimes challenging the dominant political and social ideas of the age.” Like it or not Soviet Russia was a highly influential period of the 20th Century, not just for nuclear terror but art too. You only need to look at Franz Ferdinand to see how’s it’s influenced society today. Check out their works at the V & A now.

Nearest tube - South Kensington - change at Embankment

Neil La Bute’s latest Clapham Common play is suitably dark Clapham and intense, dealNorth ing with psychologically damaged siblings.

Starring David Morrissey and Steven Mackintosh, this will make you squirm, laugh uncomfortably and think.

Running nightly from now until Mid Jan tickets: from six quid

21

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22

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ALeXiS tAYLOR

(rubbed out) Somewhere in between a hugeex tio do deliquisi sell-out tour and estinim aliquam the release their consecte feuoffacipisi. third studio Mincili ssiscipalbum, ercilit Made In The Dark, vullut dolorti ssequisl Hotfaccummy Chip’s front eu nos man ad tisAlexis dit lorTaylor summy (yes, the one with nullum volore minim those outrageous somehow found verciliscip essit ut specs) ulla feuhas facinci ex eugiam init the time to compile a 15-track solo effort of his velit nonsenis alis non utpat nostrud moloreet own.

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5

copies of

go to:

Rubbed out Alexis

by

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taylor

won!

www.theothersidemag.co.uk /music 23

music

MORE

THAN

Matt MCLEaN gETs HIs LIBERTY INfRINgED aT THE aTP ‘RELEasE THE BaTs’ HaLLOWEEN sHOW THE MOvE fROM uNDERgROuND TO overground has always carried with it a weight of compromise. Just ask the Wombles. Even the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles were forced to dress up like they were in a Raymond Chandler novel to be allowed to walk the streets in peace.

So it is with ATP’s ‘Release The Bats’ show at Kentish Town’s Forum. The line up promises celebrated american underground acts – The aforementioned Lightning Bolt, Le savy fav and shellac – playing in a Halloween dress-up spectacular, but instead delivers a night of heavy alternative rock, with all the spontaneity, rebellion and freedom it connotes, in the overbearing and restrictive atmosphere of the Forum. Irony and compromise hang heavy in the air where – pre smoking ban – cigarette smoke once did.

The organisers, All Tomorrow’s Parties, have made a great success of the balancing act of putting on shows and festivals with niche line-ups full of highly regarded, but largely unheard of, alternative acts, and drawing an audience from people who wouldn’t normally go to big gigs and festivals – or in some cases even leave their bedrooms. But with Release the Bats they have fallen spectacularly off the tightrope.

It is Lightning Bolt that highlight the contradictions of the night more than most. The Rhode island noise duo, consisting of just a bass player (albeit one with two banjo strings on his bass) and a drummer, generate an unholy barrage of sound; the sound of the bass guitar distorted and stretched and intertwined with Brian Chippendale’s ferocious, tribal drumming. In order to maximise their punch-in-the-gut sound, and ensure that the audience are all directly involved in the show, the band have always eschewed the stage and played on the floor, the audience close enough to scratch their noses, should they have an itch while they play. This technique, which grew from the band’s origins playing warehouse parties, and has ensured their reputation as a singularly compelling and visceral live act, when translated to a venue as big as the Forum, works against the intention to unify the audience and simply means that the 100 people stood directly by the band get to see the best gig of their lives, while the rest get to watch a group of people watching Lightning Bolt and listen to a distant rumble, robbed of its immediacy by the cavernous venue and the low volume.

It also means that, because of the undeniably complex logistics of getting a single bass amp and a drum kit set up on the floor, they are on first, meaning that not only does the gig start at the ridiculous time of 6:30pm, but that they are followed by a parade of posing charlatans banging around on stage without purpose or grace. This would not normally be a problem – maybe you could pop out and grab a bite

24

to eat, or go and enjoy a pint of beer that wasn’t served in a plastic cup and poured by turning the can upside down and hoping for the best. But the venue has an inexplicable ‘no re-admittance’ policy, meaning that once in, you are incarcerated until you want to leave. Here lies the main failure of the night – a complete ignorance of how the audience will experience it. The show lasts over six hours with five bands playing, and the lineup is repeated over two sold-out nights at the venue, and another near-identical show in Birmingham. It is essentially a mini-festival, but one where you have to watch all the bands playing, and you are not allowed to go and eat or smoke or get money out. Let the good times roll.

This means I am forced to sit through the horror of Pissed Jeans, and lead singer Matt korvette getting into the Halloween spirit by dressing up like a woman. He cavorts around the stage, harnessing the well-worn rock personas of Iggy Pop and Mick Jagger, while the band trawl out third-rate grunge

clearly intent on being as officious to the acts as they had been all night to the audience. I took his defiance as personal retribution for having my pint thrown in the bin by a bouncer while I was outside smoking. Thanks Tim. Despite Harrington’s energetic disrobing and the teenage thrill of seeing him ‘sticking it to the man’, Lsf are a relatively dull live proposition, in their move from underground punk/funk to their more successful new material, they have veered closer to the big band U2 template currently paying the mortgages of the killers and kings of Leon, and for all his hollering and wild preacher-man act, Harrington has no real message to impart. Ultimately, if I wanted to see a fat man embarrassing himself with his shirt off, I would have gone to my Dad’s 50th Birthday party.

None of the tyrannical security measures or tedium of most of the line-up matter however, as Shellac come onstage and effortlessly prove why they are the best rock band in the entire world.

LEfT-RIgHT: LIgHTNINg BOLT, LEs savY fav’s TIM HaRRINgTON, sTEvE aLBINI Of sHELLaC

riffs. Their irrelevance and complete lack of impact is their only shocking quality. The bass player was wearing a tiger costume.

This is followed by the bland psychedelic meanderings of Wooden shjips and the somnambulant drone rock of OM (an offshoot from seminal stoner metal band sleep) who are fine, but hardly an appropriate soundtrack for a Friday night audience who have been drinking since 6:30pm, and half of which are dressed up like frankenstein’s monster.

This lack of momentum is rectified by Le savy Fav, who come onstage to an overly long, but slightly amusing zombie skit, and generate the first moment of excitement of the evening, with a shirtless Tim Harrington scaling the railings at the side of the stage, and defying the bouncers who were

Not only have they managed to out Halloween everybody, including Bela Lugosi, with their costumes – steve albini is completely mummified – but they power through a perfect setlist with precision and humour. The postmodernisms of their minimal sound and Albini’s ironic delivery not detracting from the fact that they rock so fucking hard and are more flat-out enjoyable than pretty much any other band out there. They are the only element of the evening that manages to reconcile the various contradictions between underground art-rock and big commercial gigs.

For more music reviews, debates and frothy–mouthed ranting, visit: www.theothersidemag.co.uk/music

25

music

oo many Tmics... struggling for a new way to get blotto this nyE? nathan may has the answer

B

elieve me, I was once just like you: ashamed of my singing voice, a pathetic excuse for a human being. Confined only to the bathroom, I wished I could rip out my vocal cords and replace them with Craig David’s. Then, a series of events which took place earlier this year changed the course of my life forever.

I travelled to China, the nation that has brought us steamed dumplings, child labour, and poorly constructed school buildings. But perhaps most importantly, they introduced me to KTV – that’s karaoke to you and I. For years now, Chinese youths have been spending their Friday nights in a sound proof room, watching wall-mounted flat screen TVs, hunched over, straining to hit that...difficult high note. Armed only with a mic and a large bottle of whisky – that’s crucial by the way, if you take one thing from this article, remember the fact that alcohol helps you to sing. Really, really well.

So it seems us Brits fancy a bit of the action now as well. Karaoke establishments are popping up all over London, and if you are looking for a suitable way to welcome in the new year with all of your buddies, why not step up to the mic and belt out your best rendition of It’s Raining Men as the clock strikes? Sold? I thought so, here is the TOS guide to karaoke in the city…

Cousin Jill’s Karaoke Lounge, Mayfair Twenty-five of your English pounds will see you for three hours of karaoke in a private room, a champagne cocktail on arrival, light bar snacks and a personal waiter service. It says on the website that groups over 40 get a £5 commission – but be careful inviting too many friends, you’ll want adequate mic time!

K Box, Leicester Square K Box is London’s biggest karaoke venue, and the beauty of this place is that you can stuff your face with tasty food with the one hand, and grab the mic with the other.

Just remember to eat with your mouth closed.

26

Processed beats.

the g g

i is

l t

the hold steady

17th Dec @ Roundhouse

herman dune

17th Dec @ Scala

biffy clyro

17th Dec @ Brixton Academy

Lucky Voice, Angel For a slightly more intimate venue, head to Lucky Voice on Upper Street.

This brand new venue offers seven stylish private rooms available for hire. There is a handy ‘song section’ on the website, so you can pick a tune and work on your performance before the big event. Perhaps choreograph some slick dance moves to really impress your friends.

gogol bordello

18th Dec @ Roundhouse

noah and the whale

31st Dec @ Push

animal collective

12th Jan @ Koko

broadcast 2000

22nd Jan @ Bar academy, Angel

buzzcocks

30th Jan @ Shepherds Bush Empire

seasick steve

31st Jan @ Hammersmith Apollo

Ribon, Holborn Viaduct Gents, if you want to be successful with the ladies, take some TOS advice and take your significant other for a gourmet Japanese meal at Ribon. She will be putty in your hands, but seal the deal by booking one of the private karaoke rooms at the rear and perform a rousing rendition of Better man by Robbie Williams. Trust us, not one of his more memorable tunes, but by jove it’s a karaoke winner. • Photo by Nick Kiehl

27

music

Fujiya & Miyagi

Singer David Best took some time out of his day to chat to the Other Side about Brighton and burgers.

No, we played a lot of shows last year, going to the US on four separate occasions. I think we did 125 last year which is quite good going.

What’s the music scene in Brighton like at the moment? I was there around the time of Electric Soft Parade and was at a different gig every night - Is it still as good and would you consider yourselves a part of it?

What’s the best/worst thing about being on the road? How are you getting around?

I think there is still a lot of different stuff going on but as we aren’t there much although quite a lot of groups who are based in Brighton seem to be doing quite well, I don’t think you could call it a scene as such. Musically I don’t really see much of a thread that joins all the groups which I think is probably a good thing. I think this maybe because very few of the groups who come from Brighton moved here from other places, including us.

Still on Brighton - All Night Diner or Grubbs?

Grubbs. Steve used to work in the Grubbs that used to be on Western Road when he was a student. I wouldn’t want a burger made by him though.

Your on tour at the moment, doing Europe and the US, is this your first time on the road?

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The best thing about touring is that you get to travel round the world for free. The worst thing is not being at home much. We fly a lot but if it’s in France or Holland for example we get a van and go on the ferry. I prefer flying. it’s quicker and does more harm to the environment.

How are you going down with the different crowds?

It seems to be going well. Crowds can be quite different depending on what country you are in. some like to dance more than others. Capital cities are normally more chin strokery.

Which has been the best place (country/ city) to play?? What makes it so good?

Ireland in general. People seem to will you to be good rather than hope you are going to fail.

Dublin was the first place where we played where people sang the songs back to us so we all have good memories of it. We’ve also met some good people there. I like going to New York too for obvious reasons. www.myspace.com/ fujiyaandmiyagi

What now?

We've all been there, twiddling our thumbs cos most of our mates have gone home for the festive season and we are just frankly completely bored of the Great Escape. What to do? Cry, learn an instrument...once we even considered speed dating. Fear not here's the best things to do in between Christmas & New Year.

THE ZOO It's cold, so wrap up warm. The cold is also an excellent deterrent against children and families so take this opportunity to chill with the Penguins and check out the amphibs and arachnids.

THEATRE. Catch up on some high culture whilst everyone else is fighting in Debenhams.

Oedipus, War Horse and Pinter's No Man's Land are showing until January.

EAT

Can't bring yourself to leave the house?

Well get some chutney in and start inventing new ways to enjoy leftover turkey.

EVACUATE. Jump on l'eurostar and head for one of the winter markets in Lille, Paris or Brussels. Warm yourself up with crepes, moules et frites and copious amounts of euro beers

your own, ART Gothatonway there

is no flopping about crap paintings and capturing the zeitgeist. You have five days to see: Francis Bacon at the Tate, Andy Warhol at the Hayward and the seriously good Cold War Modern at the V&A. 29

diy dinner food

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ew Year’s Eve in London is never really much fun. Over priced clubbing, the frantic search at midnight for that not so elusive kiss... If you can’t find a decent house party, host your own.

Get some friends round, purchase Singstar and cook up some special treats. Don’t overcomplicate matters, keep it simple; here’s the ultimate New Year’s Eve tear and share party.

HORs D'ŒuvREs

Moucladed'aunis

YOu NEED 6kg bouchot mussels / 500 ml dry white wine 500 g mirepoix (chopped onions, carrots and celery) 50 g butter / 1 teaspoon curry powder 100 ml double cream / 1 onion 15g salt / 100 ml olive oil

METHOD: Scrub the mussels in several rinses of water and remove the beards. Heat the olive oil and cook the mirepoix without colouring. Add the mussels and white wine and cover. Stir occasionally. As soon as the mussels start to open, drain them from the pan but save the cooking liquor. In another pan, heat the butter and sweat the finely chopped onion until tender. Add the curry powder and cook for 2 to 3 minutes, stirring all the time. Add 600 ml of the cooking liquor and simmer for ten minutes.

Remove the mussels from their shells. Add the cream to the sauce and reduce heat slightly. Season to taste.

Add the mussels to the sauce and serve in a volauvent shell sprinkle with chopped parsley.

An Albert Roux inspired recipe cooked daily by head chef Jonathan Predy at Brasserie Roux, Sofitel London Heathrow, T5. www.brasserierouxheathrow.co.uk 020 8757 5029

Want some more grub? visit our own Jamie at www.theothersidemag.co.uk/food

TO DRINk

Champagne Cocktails

Pour some Créme de Cassis into Champagne flutes. slowly pour a bottle of chilled Champagne into the glass and, just before serving, drop a few raspberries into each drink.

Pour 20 mls Contreau into the glass add a dash of lemon juice and pour over the champagne.

White Russian

Place some ice in a glass and pour in equal measures of kaluha and vodka, top up with cream / milk...depending on your taste buds.

visit the website for your chance to win dinner for two sOME EasY fuN BITs

Pigs in Blankets

Slice some sausages down the middle and fill with some mustard, wrap them in streaky bacon and cook.

Cheese and Pineapple Cube some cheddar and some pineapple and place on toothpicks.

Don’t worry if they are all left at the end, they are there for novelty value!

Pitta Chips Cut up Pitta Bread and cover with olive oil, salt and pepper, place in the oven until it’s good and crispy.

DEssERT

Banoffee Pie Whatever you do don’t eat too much of this, it’s cool if you make mini ones for each guest.

Makes about 10 mini pies.

YOu NEED 1 pack Digestive Biscuits / 250g Butter 2 tins Condensed Milk / many Bananas 1 pint Double Cream / Chocolate for grating METHOD Melt the butter over a low heat, meanwhile smash the Biscuits up until they are serious crumbs – combine the two together and stir until everything is stuck together. Line a tray with greaseproof paper and get a circular mould, put the mix inside this and put it in the fridge. Now for the magic, submerge the condensed milk in a pan and boil for about two hours keeping the water topped up – When these are done, allow to cool. Open the tins up to reveal the ultimate toffee and spread this generously over your set biscuit bases. Put back in the fridge. Just before serving whip up the cream and chop the bananas up before building a tower of banoffee. Grate some chocolate over the top and eat.

MaIN

Burgers & Sweet Potato Chips

Donate a pound and become a patron saint of the Other Side.

Subscribe for a year and we will give you an Other Side Knighthood. www.theothersidemag.co.uk

sod it, make some burgers, but do it with a bit of flair, buffalo mozzarella, crispy pancetta, gherkins, YOu NEED Decent Mince, the good, organic red stuff / garlic / chili / buffalo mozzarella / pancetta / gherkins / ciabatta / sweet potatoes / crispy salad METHOD. Get your decent mince and put it in a bowl with salt, pepper, crushed chilli and some olive oil. Bash it together, squeeze it, punch it and mix for a few minutes before shaping into perfect burgers. Put them in the fridge. When it comes to the cooking, remember ‘keep it simple,’ stick them in the oven for 20 minutes. Serve on a big tray with some crispy salad and all the garnishes. Best placed inside a Ciabatta with all the trimmings…the mozzarella, the gherkins and the crispy pancetta, get your guests to make their own, it’s more fun. You can serve this with home made sweet potato chips.

Thinly slice the sweets and put them on a baking tray with salt, chilli and sunflower oil. Cook in the oven for 45 minutes until they are crunchy on the outside and soft in the centre… like armadillos.

Have some crispy iceburg, tomatoes and cucumber on the side.

31

Stir Away

don’t use spoons. I’ve never used spoons. And yet I find myself forever washing up spoons. Her used fucking spoons. Out of nowhere there’s a pile of them, yoghurt encrusted, cereal pieces hardened on every other side. They don’t even pick off.

I

And the more I leave them, the more they pile up, the more it looks like I’m deliberately ignoring the spoons while washing everything else up. Of course, it looks small and petty so I end up washing them all... and so it goes on.

You don’t eat soup?

I don’t eat soup.

Or cereal?

Or cereal.

But you must do.

No... I don’t take sugar in my tea either.

How do you take the teabag out?

With my fingers.

Your fingers? How do you squeeze the rest of the goodness from the bag.

I get all the goodness I need with my fingers.

All so you can claim the spoon-free moral high ground?

by adam richmond 232

Exactly.

I’m not trying to say I’m special...

I’m just saying, why should I have to wash up her fucking spoons.

To submit your own short short stories go to www.theothersidemag.co.uk and we'll print the best ones

3

offside (the 1p piece in your Christmas pudding)

When the fans hit the sh*t Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Robbie Savage nipping at your toes… can Christmas really be just around the corner?

W

ell, McFly throwing a giant switch to light up Regent Street says it damn well is. Ah, how time flies when you’re 1-0 down. We’re almost halfway through the season, and since Alistair Darling announced his pre-budget report last month, here at The Other Side’s Off Side we thought we’d crack open our own red briefcase.

No financial statements inside ours, just a bunch of football supporters from London clamouring to let their opinions on the season so far loose on an unsuspecting public. The ravings of madmen? Voices of common sense floating in a sea of idiocy? Judge for yourself as you read their thoughts…

(No supporters were harmed in the making of this article.

Or kept inside a briefcase)

The Big Questions

Dixon, Chelsea

• Born just 200 yards from the ground. Granddad and Uncle took me to Stamford Bridge when I was a kid. The crowd and the humour, that blue kit with the white stripe down the shorts, flood lights, Osgood and Hutchinson...love at first sight!

• Winning the league for the first time in 50 years but also the 80´s following Chelsea up and down the country - we were dire sometimes but happy days!

• Top 3 - 1st or 2nd - Bosingwa - Kalou -1 or 2 youth players to break through and play well

Ed, Arsenal

• My Dad does, my Dad’s Dad did, and my Mum’s Dad did diddy dum diddy do • Anfield, May 26, 1989, “It’s up for grabs now…”Gilles Grimandi’s foul on Edgar Davids to give away a penalty in the Bergkamp testimonial was a cracker though! Seriously, YouTube it, you won’t be disappointed.

• Maybe 3rd / Prob 5th, EuroVase here we come • Might be a strange choice, but Silvestre. If we hadn’t signed him, our defence would be even more shambolic. Also Nasri – every good team scores goals from midfield and he’s the only one providing them (albeit in fits and starts).

• Football-wise, Denilson – just not up to the job yet though he will probably be a good player. And for smoking fags and general sh*t stirring - Gallas.

• Three centre halves, two defensive midfielders, Eduardo back and scoring, and a partridge in a pear tree. I hope I’ve been a good little boy.

• Why do you support your team?

• What’s your favourite memory of your team?

• What position did you think your team would be in at this stage of the season?

• Where will you finish at Sam, Spurs the end of the season? father and mother both supported spurs, • Who has been your most •myMymother’s brothers and sisters too…they important player so far? practically ran the East Stand at the Lane, so it seemed like an idea to follow suit.

• And who’s been the • Liverpool 1 Spurs 2, FA Cup Quarter-Final, 11th biggest disappointment?

March 1995. 1-0 down then Teddy bent a 25 • All I want for Crimbo is… yarder into the top corner before Klinsmann

34

won the game in injury time...Or perhaps the time I laughed up my Yop drink in a pre season friendly onto the man in front.

• 9th / 9th • Corluka, he just get’s better and better - played left back, right back and centre back this season.

• After the PSV game last season I was a not overjoyed with the Gomes Signing...so I’m gonna say Bentley, he’s slow and doesn’t track back. For Christmas?? Huddlestone in the England team and a Nintendo Wii

Russ, West Ham

• Precisely • 4-0 down at Charlton, staring relegation in the face and doing the conga around the Valley • Somewhere in the middle • Probably CFC (Carlton ****ing Cole), who despite not scoring many goals has led the line well in the absence of any other strikers bigger than 5 foot 5 • Dean Ashton is like the most unreliable, frustrating lover - promising so much, but never there when you really need him. It might be time to cut all ties.

• an iPhone. Have I missed the point?

Mark, Fulham

• My grandfather knew the bloke who worked on the turnstile so for the first couple of years I got on free! Also, my mum’s family are Millwall supporters…and my granddad hated Millwall and didn’t get on with the relatives! Oh, and Johnny Haynes.

• The walk along the river before the kickoff chatting to my granddad...as a Fulham fan you have to have blind faith that this time we will do better. And at 5 o’ clock on the walk back, talking about how we would do better next time, next season…ever hopeful!

• Mid table / Mid table (fingers crossed…)

• Brede Hangeland, Not to mention the rest of the back line.

the Best of the rest...or worst..depending on how you look at things...

Colin, QPR

why do you support your team?

It’s how it works what’s your favourite memory?

Or do you mean my least worst memory? The play off semi-final under Ian Holloway – quality.

Bartram, Charlton

why do you support your team?

Because generally not a lot goes right for me in life so we seemed a good fit what’s your favourite memory?

Someone walking behind the goal pre-match at Stockport away carrying a tea and a hotdog, and a stray shot smashing them full in the face. Fantastic

Bill, Millwall

why do you support your team?

Due to the socio-economic demographic at the time of my birth all i want for Christmas is… ah a trick question - you expect me to answer, “is me two front teeth” a la Freddy parrot face Davis and giving rise to a picture of a toothless thug no doubt - so I shall say World Peace and an end to hunger and poverty.

Jon, Brentford

all i want for Christmas is…

A nice knitted Brentford sweater like the one famously worn to every single game (rain or shine) by one of our older Ealing Road supporters - the gift that keeps on giving!

Lee, Dagenham

all i want for Christmas is…

A water slide like off the Barclaycard advert!

35

The Year of the Rat review

T

words: Richard Young

here’s nothing quite like a good retrospective. Looking back, my favourites are Newsround’s Review of the Year 2005 (how about that bird flu, eh?) CNN’s Year in Review: 1997 (we still miss you, Diana) and The Times’ Reflexions on 1746 (nice one Dr Johnson, I knew you’d get the dictionary gig). Here’s one for 2008.

death

Of the many people who died in 2008, surely the one most deserving of an Oscar is Heath Ledger. No disrespect to Jeremy Beadle (who by all accounts was a bloody nice man), but Ledger nailed his performance in The Dark Knight harder than he nailed Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain.

Also, Beadle has never even been in a film – but he did once have a small part in a pair of mittens*. Ledger and Beadle were both tragic losses to the world of the arts – perhaps more so in life than in death. Both of them pushed the limits of their craft with unsettling, sadistic performances, which raised questions about identity, cruelty and man’s capacity for evil. I always loved it when he took off his false beard to reveal a real beard underneath. Genius.

Other people of note who died this year were Alain Robbe-Grillet, the creator of the Nouveau Roman; Yves Saint Laurent, the creator of the trouser suit; and Edmund Hillary, who spat in the face of nature by climbing Mount Everest. Don’t feel too despondent though, the weather’s getting cold, so hopefully Thatcher will be dead by Christmas.

36

* Aaaahahaaa, it’s because he had a little hand, innit?

power

Watching recent political events in the US is enough to make people back here in Blighty feel like the kid who was sent to Butlins on holiday instead of CenterParcs. They get inspiration from the greatest orator of his generation and light comic relief from Michael Palin’s retarded bitch sisterin-law. We get a man whose idea of having a big time is pouring an extra helping of skimmed milk onto his porridge and a hapless former PR clown whose attempts to reinvent himself as a man of the people are about as convincing as Bugs Bunny’s occasional bewildering efforts to pass himself off as a hooker. And it smells like someone’s pissed in the shallow end.

Barack Obama’s victory has given hope to Americans and nonAmericans alike. No longer do tourists from Missouri have to pretend to be especially brash, stupid Canadians when visiting London. No longer does anybody with an Iranian surname have to worry about taking a mobile phone charger through US customs without spending the next six years having their bollocks electrocuted in Guantanamo Bay. It represents a victory for optimism, compassion and intelligence we are unlikely to see any time soon over here.

media

SS

RO

BRAND

If you’re going to phone up a 78-year-old man and taunt him with abusive messages about shagging his grandaughter, just make sure he isn’t a National Comedy Treasure. Make sure it’s not being recorded. Above all, make sure it’s not going to end up being broadcast on national radio.

If you’re going to make a complaint to Ofcom, make sure you’ve heard the offensive material in question. Make sure you’re not just regurgitating the manufactured selfrighteous ire of the Daily Mail.

Above all, get some sense of perspective: ITV News is committing broadcasting atrocities every night of

THE BBC horror

What is it with Austrians? Have they not got PlayStations over there or something?

As shocking, depraved and unfathomable as Joseph Fritzl’s actions were, you have to raise the issue of wilful suspension of disbelief on the part of his wife and other family members. Surely they sensed something was amiss when the first child turned up on their doorstep? What about the second? THE THIRD?! I’ve seen more believable things in episodes of Wacky Races. Add to that the amount of “metime” Mr Fritzl was having in his basement, and the plot thickens. We all like hobbies, sure, but he was just taking the mickey.

And what about the grocery bills? If I had a family of four living in my cellar, I’m sure I

the fucking week, with their newsreaderin-a-basket platitudes, their coverage of film premieres and their Attack-of-theClones recruitment policy. Nobody’s leaving abusive messages on Trevor MacDonald’s answer phone. There’s no point trying - he doesn’t even have 1471.

The best thing to happen this year in the media arena is the inception of the BBC iPlayer. Now you can dredge through its entire output, realise within a matter of minutes that it’s all a load of shit, and pick up a book. It’s reassuring to know that the BBC is there, in the same way as it’s reassuring to know that street sweepers are out there plying their trade. It doesn’t mean you want to invite them into your home and have them stinking the place to buggery though, does it?

would spot the inconsistencies when it came to the weekly shop; questions like “Who’s eating all the fucking Monster Munch?” would be first on the agenda.

It is a sobering thought that right now, somewhere in the world, there is somebody locked in a room against their will, being forced to undergo unimaginable acts of humiliation and degradation. In all likelihood it’s Joseph Fritzl – he’s bound to be an unpopular guy, even in Austria. Let’s just hope that 2009 for Elizabeth Fritzl and her kids is the best one yet.

Admittedly it wouldn’t have to be that good for it to qualify – a nice meal out in a Nandos would probably swing it – but it doesn’t hurt to dream.

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Down 1. Hijack wet puzzled person who plays music (4,5) 2. Not often undercooked (4) 3. Old fashioned STD meets boiled meat at the usual tube stop (7,6) 4. see 6 across 5. Pacman initially gobbles up an ancient music lover (3) 6. adam at first moved in with ants, then produced pure evil (5) 7. Give small tea to everyone and end up with large size (4) 8. ancient saint quickly makes tube stop (3,2) 9. Get rid of furrow (5)

P OC B G B A M O L F S W IG G I O O V Y YP A R EK S Y OA Y U A N I L XU IM K D HAC LT M Y Z P F S V T R O

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Q K D C T T C Y U C R Q Q F SU S D T JK W R L S T R T NG Y ED H C K N L C S P F V E T EJ Y RN O Z

X N Q M W SG Z S N Z AT S D W L B P Y Q L SD S T E ME S N RL D Y M O OF N J AH I S L ZJ M N S A S O P T R V F R E H I BH FB W Y E K F X 5

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C Across 4x4 and weirdo separately arrive at R 1.emergency rooms and produce exclamation O of surprise and dismay (7,8) S 2. Confused recitations for Darwin denier S (11) insult packs punch (5) W 3.4. American Lorna’s midriff given over to Pedro’s head O for adult entertainment (4) R 5. See (7) across D 6. and (4) down. Nice Marty got a makeover

O T A U V Q X V TW Z D O Q

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info@tosmag.co.uk

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and became less agreeable artist (5,4) 7. And (5). Sounds like an accident happened on this Dylan album (5,2,3,6) 8. Emotional music quickly goes large but ends up on sesame street (4) 9. Sado Masochism gets over top on woman to overwhelm (7) 10. an amazing film! (9) 11. Look deep within shaven us lady to find Love(5) 12. Queen’s honour, why? Just do what they say (4)

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