April Fools 2018

THE PAW PRINT Volume 7

Issue 3.5

The Newest Superfood Jurassic Park

$0.00 Zoe Campos

“The Black Panther”

CONTENTS rata-zoe 2 air pods snapchat

5

9

tide pods 3

13 mr. crawford

1

The Not-so-great Gatsby

With Common Core encouraging teachers to take a truly wholesome approach to teaching, this year the English department at West Ranch decided to try a more experimental approach to teaching “The Great Gatsby” to its junior students.

“We felt like a more handson approach would better convey the love Jay Gatsby feels for Daisy.

Also, Common Core requires us to

Story by Skijler Hutson Graphics by Iman Baber

With the rise of

“Even if we don’t get Academy Award-winning an A on the assignment, I’m actors using method acting (a really glad we got to learn the technique which requires full moral lessons of Gatsby and immersion in the character, Nick. They really are great even off set), some students role models for us to aspire to are taking their preparation be,” said junior Aarja Pavade. to the next level.

“Alex went out to a house party in Studio City last week to perfect the scene where Nick goes to Tom’s city apartment. His

“We felt like a more hands-on approach would better convey the love Jay Gatsby feels for Daisy.” incorporate tactile teaching strategies, so we thought that a reenactment of the book would really be a good way to quickly mark off this standard,” said AP Literature and Composition teacher Heather Frame.

At first, students approached the assignment looking for the easiest way to get an A and reduce their individual participation, but soon enough students began to explore further and further the possibilities of the project.

“I thought about stringing together a couple clips of my friends in some Party City costumes in iMovie at first, but now we are probably going to perform the first five chapters live for the class,” said junior Maya Christensen.

parents grounded him for a week, but man, you should see the emotion in his eyes during the performance — it’s really like he knows what it’s like to end up at Grand Central Station at 4 a.m. after a bender, just like Nick,” said junior Angela Lee.

Some students, in preparation, have simply refused to break character. A group from Mr. O’Brien’s fifth period set up a speakeasy in the corner of the library’s fiction aisle and another group from Mr. Blaugrund’s second period has resorted to breaking out into the Charleston on the quad.

Although no students have been caught yet, there is even rumor of an organized crime ring that may be setting up a distillery in the boy’s restroom next to the ASB office.

With the students having bettered themselves, the teachers are feeling relief

themselves.

“Overall, I am just glad I get to go back to assigning essays; do you know how hard it is to assign a grade to the interpretive nuances of theater?” said AP Language and Composition teacher Mr. O’Brien.

Rata-Zoe

2

Story by Daniel Lee and Photo by Andy Holzman/LA Daily News Freshman Zoe Campos recently won the CIF state championship for girls’ golf. However, instead of accredditing her success to her family, friends, teammates, or coach for pushing her to the limit and always encouraging her, she accoladed the rat in her hat.

“Remy (the rat), has really helped me advance my game. He is the key to success for West Ranch golf,” commented Campos.

We all know that rats have the ideal golf mindset, but should Remy receive all the praise? Campos was already a great player and West Ranch golf has been improving over the past few seasons. However, she chooses to acknowledge Remy in her victory speech instead of Coach Holen and go to the driving range with Remy over her teammates.

Some argue that Remy may have too much of an influence over her golf career and social life, forcing her to have poor relationships with her teammates and coach. But you cannot argue with success.

Here’s the science behind it all: When Remy pulls on specialized protein filaments of Campos’ dermis, it enables him to gain control of whatever is in between the glenohumeral joint and the hand.

However, Remy cannot control just anyone. What sets Campos apart is that she has active rat-otrope cells in

her body. These cells then proceed to gather up with each other and develop into rat-etal muscles. The muscles then slowly replace Campos’ skeletal muscles by absorbing them. She has one single muscle on each side of her body that runs from the tips of her fingers,up through her arms, around her esophagus, along the side of her skull, until it arrives at the top of her frontal bone. From the frontal bone, the muscle morphs into rat-ified protein filaments that pierce her skin from the inside, which eventually become the handles for Remy.

We are not sure how Campos holds the rat-otrope cells, but it is believed that her immense love of cheese attracts rats to emit their rat-mones around her.

“Nothing seems abnormal to me. I did not take any performance enhancing drugs or anything like that.

These qualities were and always will be a part of who I am mentally and physically. Besides, why is anyone questioning me when Tiger Woods has always had a tiny tiger cub in the lining of his shirt? He’s not gaining weight, people; the tiger cub is growing!” replied Campos in response to her critics.

We’ll see how the NCAA addresses the situation when she reaches the collegiate level, but for now, congratulations to Campos for winning state. We also wish Remy a happy, cheese-filled life.

3

BRAIN Story by Nicole Augusta and Brooke Johnston Graphics by Timothy Kang and Nicole Augusta

AirPods: sleek, superior, popular, and, according to groundbreaking research, deadly.

People have previously joked that Apple brainwashes their customers by leaving them addicted to the products, but these light-hearted jabs have become all too real in a more urgent development. While the wireless AirPods that have swept the nation are advertised as revolutionary products, they are actually health hazards that require immediate attention.

Countless studies have sampled brain data of frequent AirPod users, and scientists were overwhelmed by the utterly shocking results. According to a variety of experiments, these Apple devices severely damage the masses of neurons emitting electrical pulses to generate our brainwaves. Scientists noted that after only ten minutes of use, AirPods distorted the consumers’ brainwaves and sparked drastic alterations in brain function.

These deadly devices inhibit healthy learning, memory and emotion. Several teachers have raised concerns about plummeting test scores even on the easiest of exams, and students report an inability to remember simple details of their course material even after nights of studying. These new developments are leaving students curious and scared as to what is going on within their brains.

The altered brain waves are to blame. Poor academic performance can be attributed to the change in Theta waves associated with learning.

Victims also experience a lack of empathy and other emotions crucial to maintaining relationships with loved ones. “I just want my boyfriend back!” said

an anonymous junior at West Ranch who is losing her significant other to rash decisions and inability to empathize. The approach of Prom makes the exposure of Apple and its product even more urgent. Even Promposals are going awry with the rise of students losing their creativity and ingenuity.

Poor decision-making has skyrocketed even here at West Ranch, as evident by the countless teens sliding down the stairs on their stomachs and excessively playing the video game “Fortnite,” just to name a few instances. To make matters worse, several students have reported cases of their peers unable to stop incoherently mumbling the lyrics to “Gucci Gang.”

Some of the most habitual users report spotty vision, increased migraines and even altered hearing, as students are not processing the teacher’s lectures.

Once subjected to the harmful earbuds, there is no turning back. While a few minutes of listening time isn’t detrimental, the exposure accumulates and eventually presents its dreadful side effects. These altered brain waves can even be deadly and slowly cause deterioration in critical structures of the brain. It is more important than ever, with music taking over our world, to examine before you listen.

Apple is denying any correlation between their products and the tragic health issues, but it is evident that AirPods are the root of the problem.

“I used to think I would die without my earbuds, but now I realize I can die with them, too,” said frequent AirPod user and freshman Brian Jackson.

Keep checking your news feeds for more updates on these tragic developments, and warn your loved ones about the devastating effects of these earbuds.

“I used to think I would die without my earbuds, but now I realize I can die with them, too.”

WASHED

4

5

Snapchat Walkout Story by Aerin Choi Graphics by Mina Jang

6

The recent spike in school walkouts for issues like gun control has divided the student body between support and disapproval of the controversial topics. However, a new walkout has been announced that everyone can agree with.

On April 16, students across the country will walk out of class to protest the new Snapchat update.

It is predicted to be the biggest walkout this year.

The new update has been a recent topic of national debate, with most young people not in favor of the format. Many have complained about lack of accessibility to Snapchat stories, as well as the fact that all of the communication tools are pushed to one section. Over the last month, students have decided to take a stand.

“As students, we can make a change as much as adults can.

We’ve walked out over gun control, which caught people’s attention, and now we are standing up for another pressing issue in our time,” said West Ranch senior Jennifer Craig.

Students have referred to the recent walk outs for gun control as inspiration for this new string of peaceful protest. An online petition had been signed by over

a million people as of this month, but Snap Inc responded with a note that upset even more.

“This new foundation is just the beginning, and we will always listen closely to find new ways to make the service better for everyone. We are grateful for your enthusiasm and creativity. We are very excited for what’s ahead,” said Team Snapchat.

The note was followed by many angry comments by users.

Due to this disappointing and apathetic response from the parent company, people have begun to take further and more physical steps to get the company to notice their upset.

At 10:30 a.m., students will walk off of campus and march to the headquarters of Snapchat parent company, Snap Inc., in Venice, California. They will delete Snapchat in front of the buildings to show the company that they will not take the changes any longer.

“I’ll probably have to download it again to keep my streaks, but they’ll get the point,” said a West Ranch student who wished to remain anonymous. Fourteen other student joined in with this comment.

Snap Inc. has had no comment about this movement, but they have been reported to have been working on a new update that eliminates stories altogether.

7

Bathroom Raves

es: The New Wave Story & Graphics by Sophia Kriegel

West Ranch High School students have taken a high interest in a new and exciting style of music: electro. This head-bumping genre encompasses techno, electro and “rave” music. As it has grown in popularity, students around campus have traded in their headphones for speakers and their bedrooms for the neon-decorated school bathrooms.

Walking into the crowded restroom during lunch time was similar to stepping into some kind of brightly-colored video game. The doors of the bathroom stalls have been removed and are now being used for crowd surfing. Massive speakers have been set up in the sinks and are sending shockwaves through the lavatories. The students jump up and down wildly with the robotic tunes. This is the new wave of entertainment for bored brunch or lunch-goers that has become a massive trend on West Ranch’s campus.

When taking a look for myself at one of the bathroom raves held in the women’s restroom located in upper campus, I got to see the madness first hand. The seniors had drawn a distinct circle with red lipstick on the ground. Any underclassmen who dared to put so much as a single toe in their area was immediately thrown out. The freshmen stood in the cramped corners of the cold bathroom, calling their mothers and begging to be picked up, while sophomores and juniors just jumped aimlessly in the middle of the mosh pit.

The toilet paper being thrown in the air shrouded my vision but I was able to get an interview with one of the “rave masters,” Brad Miller, a senior at West Ranch. After asking him about his aggressive dabbing he soon explained: “School dances for children; real men go to raves.” Although I was unsure the difference, Brad seemed very confident in his assessment of the two.

Brad is a celebrity around the rave scene and

was able to introduce me to his fellow rave master, Chad. I was able to get the inside scoop of this new type of music and why students had gone so crazy for it. “Electro is not just a type of music; it’s a lifestyle. The minute I hear those sick beats, my mind is just taken to another world.”

Similar to Chad’s description, these raves truly do feel like stepping into another space and time.

The dancing was like no other, being mostly jumping and waving your hands wildly in the air. One group informed me that they preferred, “head bangers only,” a term which I later found out meant that they only listened to music that had beats they could nod their heads vigorously to.

I was also able to get a look at some of the fashion choices of these rave goers. Typically in a regular, outdoor rave, participants would wear extremely revealing outfits that included short shorts, neon crop tops, or no shirt at all. In an attempt to comply with school rules, both males and females wear full wetsuits, making sure they don’t have an inch of skin showing. Despite what one may think, these suits are not restricting to the students or their wild dancing.

Bathroom raves at West Ranch are a wildly popular trend that attract more students every day. Even the faculty has adopted their own mini raves in the teachers’ lounge. Although it is not confirmed since students are not allowed in there, loud music and strobe lights have been seen and heard during lunch time. We even caught Principal Mark Crawford leaving the teachers’ lounge wearing a neon yellow wetsuit, right on trend with the students and their own bathroom raves.

Between the exciting dancing and the head bangers, I can clearly see why kids love being a part of the rave scene. Students of West Ranch, make sure you check out these exciting events in both of the upper campus bathrooms!

8

9

2018's newest superfood

Tide Pods

Story by Hannah Kim Graphics by Sydney Young Earlier this year and in 2017, the infamous Tide Pod Challenge went viral on YouTube, inspiring thousands of young children and teens around the world to eat the bite-sized laundry detergent pod.

Many adults have been repulsed by these seemingly absurd efforts for internet laughs, but they fail to realize that there are countless nutritional benefits offered by Tide Pods.

The candy-like appearance of them is enticing enough, but little do people know, Tide Pods are actually the newest superfood. Say goodbye to chia seeds and kale, because Tide Pods have far more fiber and omega-3 fatty acids than those tasteless foods. Tide pods are not only delicious, but they are also packed with protein, and it’s even one of the few foods that contain all nine essential amino acids.

Tide Pods are the perfect snack for any time of day, but are especially great for those mornings when you have to run out the door before you can grab a bite to eat. The detergent pods are best eaten by themselves, but they also make great additions to smoothies. They contain lots of fiber to keep you satisfied until lunch while still being low in carbs.

Not to mention they have been proven to boost metabolism just after eating them a few times. Tide Pods are more than just a superfood — they are truly a miracle food. It’s almost as if they were chemically engineered to provide these nutritional benefits.

Some Tide Pod consumers have complained about the burning sensation in their throat that emerges once biting into the tide pod. However,

only people that have recently started eating Tide Pods complain about this aspect of the superfood.

Little do they know that the nearly unbearable throat burning is an indication of the Tide Pod activating in your digestive system, which is an essential part of being able to absorb their many nutrients. After eating Tide Pods a few times, the burning sensation will slowly start to fade — a sign that your body has become accustomed to soaking up every nutrient that the Tide Pod has to offer. Once ingested, the Tide Pod might cause bubbling and churning in the stomach, which is a sign that the toxins in your body are being flushed out.

Many adults have criticized teens for hopping on the Tide Pod bandwagon, even suggesting that Tide Pod consumers only have a half-functioning brain. Considering that Tide Pods have made more memes than Harambe did in just a few months, it’s a mystery as to why adults are spitting these insults at teens. Parents across the nation have questioned the benefits of Tide Pods, often saying that teens should not be eating something meant to clean their laundry. However, certified nutritionist Diane Scott has weighed in on the controversy.

“Tide Pods are fantastic for giving your body a bit of a detox. The fiber packed in them will really help to flush out any toxins. I personally love eating them as a snack when I get a sweet tooth in the afternoon,” said Scott.

Food trends come and go, but Tide Pods seem to be here to stay. Packed with healthy fats, protein and fiber, Tide Pods are perfect for anyone looking to clean up their diet. *Disclaimer: The Paw Print does not endorse eating Tide Pods

10

11

Trump Fails the APUSH Exam Story by Sophia Kriegel Graphics by Gamin Kim President of the United States Donald Trump has taken a break from his plush oval office chair and stepped back into the classroom — an 11th grade classroom to be exact. He decided to prove himself as an informed political figure by taking the AP U.S. History exam, a test that plagues the lives of young adults across the nation.

As Trump arrived at his big exam, he sat down in one of the cold, fold-out chairs that lined the gym of Woodrow Wilson High School in Washington D.C. The President made it very clear that he was extremely confident in his historic knowledge, loudly exclaiming that he was “a stable genius” and threatening to have Jeff Sessions (current attorney general and go-to termination expert) expel any students who he felt did not agree with this statement.

Prior to starting the test, Trump realized he did not have a No. 2 pencil. Unable to find one in his backpack, he promptly took the pencil of the young girl next to him. When asked why he did so, he responded, “When you’re a star, they let you do it.”

Throughout the test, the President could be seen looking over at the other students’ papers.

When the test administrator asked him to stop, he requested to have her expelled. When she told him that she was not a student, therefore she could not be expelled, he told her that she was “fake news.”

In a series of questions that asked him to list ten of the previous United States presidents, he listed his name ten times, explaining that he was the only one that mattered.

Trump was also questioned about multiple major historic events. The exam’s written questions tested on eras of slavery, sexism and misogyny. All of which he scribbled “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” directly next to. When asked who sailed from Italy and located America, Trump confidently answered: George Washington. And, when asked who made the first American flag, he answered: Betsy Devos.

Trump proceeded to turn in his test, making sure

everyone knew he was finished by closing the packet with audible force. Students who took the test claim that when the President brought his exam to the front, they witnessed Russian President Vladimir Putin attempt to take the test and give Trump an immediate 100 percent. He was unsuccessful.

After weeks of anticipation and waiting in his room watching the gorilla channel, the results finally came.

Donald Trump failed the AP United States History exam by getting a staggering 1 (the highest possible score being a 5).

Fax News immediately blamed Trump’s former running mate Hillary Clinton. They even accused her of being able to obtain the answers somehow through her private email server, stating: “None of this would have happened if we saw those emails.”

CMM Newsroom also put in their two cents. After discovering that Trump failed, its news reporters immediately called for the impeachment of the President, exclaiming that he was unfit for office.

Some people chose to completely falsify the idea the Trump failed, despite the scantron, which showed him answering five of the 55 multiple choice questions correct, being revealed to the public.

When asked about his poor score on the exam, Trump avoided the question altogether. He eventually sent Sarah Huckabee Sanders to clear any misunderstandings with the public.

Sanders explained that Mr. Trump got a poor score on purpose, in an attempt to make the children feel better about their low scores. Apparently, he put wrong answers in order to not seem too smart, so he could relate to the children better.

President Trump’s venture through the AP U.S. History exam was exciting and successful. His low score tells nothing of his intellectual ability and actually proves that he is more of a stable genius than any of his fellow test takers.

12

On the Senior Hill Story by Gamin Kim Graphics by Kulsoom Hasan A new psychological analysis report by the California Department of Educational Pseudodata found a continuously assumed presumption to be fact. The organization sought to gain data to understand the academic environment of high schools, particularly high school campuses with large exterior open spaces, and its effect on current students. The California Complex Educational Data System reported that there is a correlation between schools that have elevated ground within campus premises and students who possess feelings of excessive pride and self-importance.

The finding was not surprising to many West Ranch teachers and students, however. The administration was actually more amazed that the information was not already announced before, but also was partly relieved to find that the occurrence was not unique to West Ranch High School.

Pierre Chadwick from the California Department of Educational Pseudodata further described the newly completed research, “The Department specifically analyzed schools with elevated ground around the campus exterior because it was going to be

extremely difficult to visit all high schools within the state in a period of five days.”

Details highlighted in the report also emphasized that students were more likely to possess high levels of arrogance and ego if they were to sit or stand upon these elevated grounds. The more elevated one would be, the more content and exalted the student would feel, knowing that he or she was better than all students below his or herself. Hypothetically, with context from the report, the person standing on the very top would feel extremely, wonderfully great about their self.

“I used to think people who stood on top of the hills was a bit weird and peculiar, but after standing on the mound of grass one sunny day, I felt renewed and so better about my existence as a human being,” said senior Evan Jameson.

The school health office is concerned about mental health effects that may stem from this research. Students are welcome to speak to any of the school’s counselors if they start to feel notions of extreme conscientiousness. Cats, next time you walk past the senior hill on campus, make sure you take note of this fact and tell your friends of this recent finding.

S EN IOR ONLY Z

13

IS Mr. Crawford a Klingon?

14 Story by Zoey Greenwald Graphics by Timothy Kang Picture by Jaesung Park

“Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam” Today is a good day to die. This is the rally cry guiding our football team into battle — er, gameplay. They serve nobly as true warriors. They value honor and sacrifice above all else. To go into battle is to serve in honor. To represent West Ranch is to represent honor.

“Our people slew our own gods.”

It’s incredibly rare to see Mark Crawford in his natural state: as W’krow Gulkusht. He seemed more relaxed without the prosthetics.

MC: Those things were burdensome. It honors me to be transparent with the school about who I really am.

ZG: It’s really an honor to cover this, Mr. Crawf— MC: W’krow, please.

ZG: W’krow. It’s an honor to cover this. I mean, this must be a pretty large step in your life, to finally be so open about this.

MC: It has taken a great deal of strength. The strength of a warrior. My identity has been concealed for years.

ZG: How have you coped with living a lie for so long?

MC: Through the past century in which I have lived, Earth remains new to me. Your customs… strange.

But there has always been one thing that reminds me of the homeworld — of dear Kronos.

He begins to partake in ritualistic hand-movements, and then freezes, as if possessed.

ZG: And this is…?

MC: The glory of battle [football].

ZG: ...interesting.

MC: Nowhere is the Klingon spirit stronger than on the battlefield [football field]. In this sacred state, honor and valor are vital to survival.

ZG: And what exactly are you referring to when you mention “survival?” Is it winning?

MC: He grunts.

ZG: Because the football team…

MC: TAM, qOH! [translation: Silence, fool]. Here, we speak only of glory.

ZG: Oh. Um. Okay. Well, I just have to say that I really admire your honesty today. How do you think the school will react to this news?

MC: Ha. They should take pride in the honor of their leader.

ZG: I agree.

MC: Really? How do you suppose your peers will take the news?

ZG: Mr. W’krow, you… have something ancient in you. Something that’s lived and breathed outside of this universe. That’s amazing. That’s something I’ll never… That none of us could — I just mean, that’s something sacred.

MC: Understood. I shall recite an ancient Klingon poem.

ZG: There’s ancient Klingon poetry?

MC: Are you surprised?

ZG: The arts, and the — uh — rather athletic nature of the Klingon spirit— MC: Are surprisingly compatible. Take this: “ghaH ta’! maHvaD yInmaj laH’e’ yInISQo’.

DIlIjnISlaw’, chong be’nal. nep puq yem ‘ej ta’!”

ZG: Would you mind translating for our readers?

MC: “Upon the king. Let us our lives, our souls, our debts, our careful wives, our children and our sins lay on the king.”

ZG: Is that… Henry V? MC: That is what your people would call it. It is much better in the original Klingon.

Obviously this news comes as a shock to the students of West Ranch High School, but perhaps we should reconsider any preconotations we may have.

This reporter believes that Mr. Crawford’s newly discovered heritage — W’krow’s newly divulged one — could mean good for our school. It reminds us that everybody has a story. Everybody comes from somewhere. People like W’krow do not materialize from football field turf.

Unless, of course, they’re beaming down from somewhere else.

15

16

Story by Allison Alben and Mary Waugh Graphics by Timothy Kang

The Jungle Book. The Lion King. And now, Black Panther is the newest film to get a shiny new live-action remake. Make sure to reserve your tickets in advance, Cats, because it’s sure to sell out quickly. The decision to remake the movie was revealed recently by a crew member via Twitter. He cites the decision to be due to the success of the movie during its February release. “It did so well the first time,” he wrote, “that the only way to top it would be to remake it.”

Though the original Black Panther is expected to be snubbed at next year’s Oscars, fans are hoping that this new remake will get the movie the attention it needs to be nominated. In fact, host Jimmy Kimmel made a reference to the film at the 2018 Oscars.

“This is a night for positivity, and our plan is to shine a light on a group of outstanding and inspiring films, each and every one of which got crushed by Black Panther this weekend,” Kimmel said. “That’s OK.” By working out the issues with the first movie, many are hopeful and confident that the production crew can make sure that it is perfect for the Academy.

However, there are some changes with the new film. Michael B. Jordan is set to rival Chadwick Boseman for the number of shirtless scenes, Letitia Wright and Lupita Nyong’o have at least an hour more of screen time, and even more Lion King references are added in. In fact, some fans are speculating that the movie is actually a collaboration between the two directors, and think of the new Black Panther as a Lion King sequel. Unfortunately for fans, any information about this possible partnership has remained quiet...for now.

The most significant change, however, comes when turning this film into live-action.

Opponents of the new film may argue that the new film is live-action, but in reality, it is not.

Live-action films are defined by Dictionary.com as “action involving real people or animals, as contrasted with animation or computergenerated effects.” Even though the film uses live actors, there are certain animated features and computer-generated characters, such as the rhinos owned by Daniel Kaluuya’s character, in the original Black Panther. Because of this, the film is not truly considered “live-action.”

Rumor has it that, on set, that the directors are finding a way to create their live-action vibranium weapons and suits. They claim that they’ve almost found the solution. However, this solution is top-secret, and not even crew members have been informed.

There is also speculation that they will find a way to use real wild animals. The crew is hopeful that the actors won’t get too wounded by the 30 real black panthers that were seen being brought onto the production site. In a teaser for the film released to only a lucky few, the panthers were seen running on the set after Jordan’s character. He didn’t seem mortally wounded by the ordeal. There is also a team of top-notch paramedics waiting with kitten bandaids off set. According to a crew member, they are the only band-aids that Boseman will use.

All in all, the hype surrounding the new liveaction film, “The Black Panther,” is only sure to build. With more Michael B. Jordan and real black panthers, there is nothing this new film is lacking, and members of the Paw Print are just waiting for the teaser to drop.

17

18

Story by Siena Zarrell Graphics by Timohy Kang

The “Jurassic Park” saga has been one of the most successful movie franchises in the history of Hollywood, which is why director Steven Spielberg has decided to make another one.

With the passing of actor Richard Attenborough, who played John Hammond, the eccentric bioengineer and dinosaur fanatic, Spielberg was on the hunt for a new face.

A few months back on Twitter, Spielberg ran across several photoshopped images of West Ranch’s very own Thomas Gavin taking the place of Richard Attenborough.

The resemblance is so strong that Spielberg immediately called up Gavin for casting, despite his inexperience in acting. In an interview to promote the movie, Spielberg defended his decision to cast Gavin, saying that “Thomas Gavin is probably the least qualified candidate and really has no acting talent whatsoever… but he has the face and that’s what matters.”

After the trailer featuring Gavin’s offensive attempt at a British accent dropped,, the UK released a formal statement at the UN meeting, refusing to show the movie in theaters. Because this would be a great hit to viewership, Spielberg and the producers have decided to stitch together old audio clips of Richard Attenborough, cutting out Gavin’s voice from the movie entirely.

Critics who have viewed the movie early say that Gavin has a good chance of winning an Academy Award solely based on his likeness to Richard Attenborough.

Gavin revealed to the press that he is not offended that his looks are carrying his performance: “It’s quite flattering actually.”

Rotten Tomatoes has expressed similar views about the movie, giving it an overall score of 14 percent. However, they were so impressed by the way Gavin captured Attenborough’s essence that they created a second category called “Resemblance to Preceding Actor,” in which the movie scored 109 percent.

West Ranch is so proud of Gavin’s role in the new “Jurassic Park” that they have changed the curriculum for AP Physics, instead devoting class time to watching the movie. Both the administration and the students are not the least bit worried that it will negatively impact scores on the upcoming AP test. In fact, Principal Crawford shared his hopes for the opposite effect: “We really believe that this will strengthen the teacher-student bond which will be better in terms of test outcomes.”

Tickets are selling out in advance so grab yours soon. You don’t want to be the only one in the Santa Clarita Valley that misses out on Gavin’s moment on the big screen!

19

!

!

? !

Insta-pocalypse? six-month hiatus on Social Media causes global health crisis

Yes !

Yes

!

Story by Minjoon Kang

!

!

20

Absolute and utter chaos. Millions of people outraged. Protests in every major city around the world. This is the result of an event that has shaken planet Earth: All social media websites have shut down for a six-month maintenance.

On March 21, major social media companies met in a new Global Networking Summit. At this meeting, keystone speakers and CEOs Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook), Jack Dorsey (Twitter) and Kevin Systrom (Instagram) discussed the benefits of creating a more harmonious social network.

Many companies initially feared linking up with Facebook because of previous Russian hacking. Another hesitation point was caused by the recent privacy controversy Facebook was immersed in. However, because Facebook took a humble and pedagogical approach, all the companies came to the conclusion to go on a six-month hiatus to enhance and connect each other’s networks. The members of the Global Networking Summit announced this break on March 22 at 8:00 a.m. PST.

The past week and a half following this announcement has been mayhem. Millions of users around the world have come together under a social movement. Hundreds of petitions are being signed, and global netizens have taken the streets and disrupted major cities with their unorthodox protests. Graffiti bearing the phrase “No Social Media = No Happiness” has popped up on a number of buildings all around the world.

In England, netizens blocked all the major streets and threw old phones and electronics at cars. In the United States, young social media advocates

began raiding stores and lighting fireworks in all directions. Protesters have turned to disrupting every function of society to show their desperate need of social media.

Individual health effects can be seen in just the past weeks as well. Depression and anxiety rates have increased drastically, and some people are turning to other unhealthy alternatives in order to cope with the absence felt in their heart. Alcohol purchases increased by 30 percent and marijuana purchases increased by 25 percent just in the past 10 days. Millions of social media users have turned a six-month developmental hiatus into a global health crisis.

The President of the International Speech and Debate Union, Justin Yoon, gave his honest opinion about the unfolding events: “Dependency is way worse than I expected.

Even I am itching to look at Instagram or Twitter, but I become anxious because it’s not there anymore.”

There is so much to think about when we examine society’s sensitive reaction to this break of social media. Dependency has morphed into obsession, and habit has turned into addiction.

The border between digital lives and reality has become so hazy that many people find selfesteem and satisfaction through the different approval methods displayed online.

Looking at the past few days shows us how entrenched we are in social media’s swamp of dependency. It is clear that we cannot survive without social media, as the people’s reactions are too extreme over a temporary six-month maintenance break.

THE PAWPRINT Follow us on...

@wrpawprint @wrpawprint @wrpawprint wrpawprint.com