If We Knew Then What We Know Now:

Alumni Parents Share Their Perspectives on What Mattered, What Didn’t, and What May Have Hurt

By Marrie Stone

Sometime around 2012, when our only child was in middle school, I did a major pivot on my parenting style. My memoir back then might have been called Confessions of a Reformed Tiger Mom. Haley was a great student, but she wasn’t the best student. She was a decent tennis player, but she wasn’t the best tennis player. She pulled herself through piano recitals, but her heart wasn’t in it. My response was to push, drill, nag, and repeat.

I thought I was teaching grit and determination. Instead, every math test, spelling bee, BOB competition, and rainforest presentation became a report card on my mothering. I’d left a legal career to stay home full-time. Now I was back in school, Haley was my project, and I expected results. So, I pushed some more.

Two things happened around the same time. After yet another fraught piano practice, my husband pulled me aside. “I understand what you’re trying to accomplish,” he said, “but you’re hurting your relationship with her.” I considered that he might be right. By now, we all hated the piano. Whatever appreciation for music I wanted to instill was having the opposite effect on us all. But we’d already invested so much time and money. And what would be the lesson in quitting?

As if to reinforce my husband’s point, fate soon intervened. One afternoon, I picked Haley up from tennis and my normally chipper girl looked distraught. “You keep saying it’s important to learn how to lose,” she said between tears. “I already learned that lesson. Why won’t you let me win?” We retired both the racket and piano that afternoon.

Haley’s passion has always been the hula hoop. Starting at age six, she taught herself tricks that she saw on YouTube and made the local news for an endurance competition. Pegasus encouraged this type of exploration by allowing her to teach hula hooping to P.E. classes and perform in their annual talent show. She even made the cover of this magazine. But I didn’t know how to support her. There were no hooping scholarships. No teams. No clubs. Instead, she did back then what she still does today—she blazed her own trail.

She learned about a children’s cirque troupe in L.A. and became their only solo hoop act. Eventually, she performed for the Dalai Lama on his 80th birthday and for the family of Arthur “Spud” Melin (the inventor of the hula hoop and co-founder of Wham-O). In 2017, her troupe performed on stage in Oslo, Norway, for the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony.

After I stopped nagging about academics and prestigious universities, Haley chose a small liberal arts college in the Pacific Northwest. She pursued a degree in computer science at a school not known for their STEM departments. But that unconventional path provided countless opportunities for internships, leadership roles, and professional relationships (especially for a woman in a male-dominated field). Haley graduated this month and accepted her dream job at a technology consulting firm. In her spare time, she still hoops. And, now and then, even plays recreational tennis. (Still no piano.)

Pushing and nagging changed nothing on her report card (in fact, the more I let go, the better she performed.) Believing in her and supporting her decisions changed everything between us.

Parenting is an uncertain business. Nothing prepares you for it. What works for one might not for another. Results will vary as much as the individual. And yet … having some perspective back then would have helped.

Curious how my Pegasus contemporaries felt, now that we’re all emptynesters, I approached several of them with two simple questions: what do you know now that you wish you’d known then, and what would you say to current Pegasus parents? This is a distillation of their responses.

“Your Years of Influence May Be Shorter Than You Realize

What I realized (too late for it to do me any good) is that your kids are “yours” until somewhere in middle school. “Yours” meaning you are their everything—their disciplinarian, their protector, their friend, their life-shaper. At some point in middle school, they begin belonging more to themselves and to the world. At that point, parenting becomes less about setting rules (boundaries are still important!) and more about role modeling the behavior you want to see in your children (and keeping your fingers crossed!).

The challenge is that when they’re little—in this fragmented, I-don’tlive-near-family-please-give-Junior-the-iPad-so-I-can-take-ashower-alone society that Pegasus families tend to live in—we just want a break. So we often allow “the world” in early on. I realized that “the world” took over sooner than thought. Then it was (kinda) too late.

Laura Roth, Max (’15) and Lucy

Listen More, Talk Less

Whenever possible, be the carpool driver. We found that simply keeping quiet during those drives was the best way to learn what was really going on in the lives of our children and their friends. Driving covered us in the Cloak of Invisibility, and the kids’ chatter in the backseat came pouring out.

Mark Murray, Samantha (’06), Jay (’09)

It wasn’t always easy getting my son to tell me about his day. My rule, born out of desperation, was that he had to tell me three things that happened that day before I’d drive him home. Anonymous

Starting around fifth grade, I instituted the idea of “Immunity Day”—a day my daughter could tell me anything with no threat of punishment, judgment, or consequences. It paid dividends in middle and high school, when the lines of communication remained open, and she periodically requested immunity.

Follow Their Lead

Near the end of the Pegasus years, we attended a talk by a child psychologist hosted by the School, who broke the news to us that the days of being the ‘manager’ of our kids’ time, activities, friends, and experiences were coming to an end, and that successful parenting required a transition to more of a ‘consultant’ role (i.e., letting them make their own decisions about where to go, who to hang out with, what to do, etc.). Our role should evolve to be more about offering input and guidance when asked. Great advice, which we tried to practice throughout the high school years.

Mark Murray, Samantha (’06) and Jay (’09)

Get Involved in the School

As much as your time and energy permits, become a school volunteer. Believe me, it’s worth it, and often great fun. You will meet wonderful fellow parents with whom you will develop strong personal friendships. You will also understand better what’s going on in your child’s school life.

Also, get to know your child’s teacher. Volunteering in the classroom allows you and your child’s teacher to get to know each other on an informal basis and provides opportunities for conversations about your child’s progress. If there are any issues to be addressed, they can often be ‘nipped in the bud’ with a quick discussion.

Nina Beitman, Michael (’04)

Memories Last Longer than Report Cards

I remember a rainy day several years ago, feeling uninspired and tired, rushing around trying to get four kids out of the house and to school on time, still needing to make four lunches in five minutes. We were out of bread, turkey, string cheese, most staples. Staring into the open refrigerator, then the pantry, then back to the refrigerator, told the kids, “It’s the first rainy day. That means I’m bringing you pizza for lunch.”

The following year, the first day it rained, one of the kids remembered, “Don’t we have pizza on the first rainy day at school?” And so, a tradition was born. My kids are 25, 22, 21, and 18, currently the last one is graduating from high school. Last November, I pulled up in the rain and texted my son, “here,” put on my hood and passed the Costco pizza box over the fence and watched him walk away in the rain, knowing it was the last time.

My point is, give yourself grace as a parent. One of my more stressful and hurried mornings birthed one of the kids’ favorite traditions. It wasn’t until years later I told them the real reason we had pizza the first rainy day of school every year.

Our kids are watching and listening to everything we do and say. How we handle stress, our priorities, how we treat people, what types of things we covet, or judge in others. Our work ethic and ability to laugh at ourselves. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 other letters.

Don’t Compare Children

Keep your distance from people who are constantly comparing their child’s accomplishments to everyone else. It’s unsettling and can result in unnecessary angst. Children develop at their own speed, and boys often mature much later than girls. In fact, sometimes the “late bloomers” go on to achieve greater success in adulthood than the “early achievers” they envied so much in grammar school. Bottom line—they will all be fine!

Nina Beitman, Michael Beitman (’04)

Modeling Works Better Than Lecturing

In today’s busy, competitive world, one can lose sight of some of the most important elements of a formative education consistent with what Dr. Hathaway and the educators at The Pegasus School promoted. For our three sons, we found engaging in activities that encouraged independence, risk taking, problem

Children Don’t Develop on a Time Table

It is vital to understand that we don’t just send our child’s brain to school. We send their whole little body, spirit, and soul. Their personalities, innate talents, interests, fears, dreams, and idiosyncrasies. The timeline of development—social, language, cognitive, motor—is unique to each individual and doesn’t always line up perfectly with the curriculum. That’s okay. Joyful learning is what matters.

My second grader, who could not pass the timed multiplication tests, is now considering majoring in math. My other son, who was “behind” in reading, is now the co-chair of his office book club. My daughter, who had a hopelessly messy and disorganized desk and backpack, has become a minimalist and the most efficient time manager. My other daughter, who failed her Shakespeare soliloquy in sixth grade, is now head of an investment banking club and mentoring college students on interviewing techniques.

Give your child time to become who they are. The only part of your child’s report card that matters are the comments—how kind, supportive, positive, respectful, and hardworking your child is. Those are the metrics they take with them in life.

solving, and responsibility led to the development of key life skills that serve our three grown men well in their personal and professional lives.

Setting examples of intellectual curiosity [let your children see you take an interest in your profession, literature, civics, community issues, and nature], hard work [let them see you challenge yourself and balance life’s demands], fallibility [encourage pursuits according to their interests and embrace learning from any missteps], and kindness [volunteer together to address issues of concern to your family and show compassion toward others in your service involvement] have proven critical in developing bright, eager, and curious learners.

Take time each day to talk and, most importantly, to listen.

Geri

Nick (‘03), Ben (‘04), and Grant (‘08)

What every parent agreed upon, regardless of their unique experiences, was this: Above all else, relax and enjoy these magical years. You will miss them when they’re gone. wuw

Look up

– a book for a roof –you skip atop the shadows –tree and self – of a bright, cool day – language is everywhere –the open page will always invite you to play – reveal a picture, a word you did not know –hooray! – now you do

Patty Seyburn • Poet