Learning to Let Go

(And Why It Really Matters)

By Colleen Rivers, M.D.

Rarely does a single lecture challenge us to reconsider our parenting philosophy on a fundamental level. Typically, we learn a few things that validate our current strategies and then a couple of tips to carry on. However, the October 26 PEGtalk by Jenna Flowers, Ph.D. on abilities contribute to the world. As a result, they struggle to take simple actions in favor of their wellbeing. Perhaps worse, they miss out on the joy and gratitude that comes with doing what we believe we were put here to do.

Flowers’s lecture offered an arsenal of tools to foster the exploration of a child’s interests and abilities while holding them accountable to their goals. Here are five of her tips: that he actually prefers surfing. The earnestness of his confession was clear; we gave him surf lessons for his ninth birthday.

1. Let kids try a variety of activities and service opportunities. Ask questions about their likes and dislikes to help them gain clarity.

2. Don’t panic if they don’t find their niche right away. While some children find “their thing” on the young side, many children don’t become passionate about an activity until later on. This is normal — give them time!

James still plays soccer, but he now spends Saturday mornings in the cold Pacific waters. I can’t yet know how this small change will shake out in the long run, but have a strong sense we made the right decision. I see an intangible change in him that speaks to authenticity and comfort in his own skin. My hope is that this subtle shift in philosophy will translate to a sense of purpose and resilience in all of my children over time. I can thank Dr. Flowers for empowering me to let go, even just a little, on this wild ride of parenting. wuw

Given her expertise as a family therapist and my experience as a physician seeing kids with mental health emergencies, I expected her discussion to focus on the risk of anxiety and depression in children who are constantly pushed to achieve. And while many of her suggestions do reduce our children’s stress, her message was more compelling than that. Flowers urged us to let children take the lead on their activities, for the sake of their mental health but also so that they have the opportunity to discover their preferences, set a path of their choosing, in order to develop a sense of purpose in their lives.

Flowers opened with the cautionary tale of a type of patient she often sees for therapy, someone in his or her twenties or thirties who started out at a wonderful school like Pegasus, then went on to a great college and graduate program. She said, “They’re sitting in my office after they’ve had a good job and are a couple of years in, and they say, ‘I don’t really know myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t really know why I’m doing this. I’m bored by this. I don’t feel passionate about it. I feel like I should be passionate about something and I don’t even know what to be passionate about.’ They don’t know themselves.”

This story captured my attention as a mother. While I love to see my children achieve, my ultimate hope is that they become fulfilled adults, who contribute to the world in ways that are meaningful to them. The patient in this profile falls short by this measure of success, and the result can be devastating. The research tells us that people who have a clear sense of purpose in their lives tend to be healthier and live longer.

As a doctor, I’ve seen countless patients suffering both physically and mentally who lack this internal compass. They don’t know how their talent and

3. Be careful about how and when you offer resources. To utilize private coaching, we should wait until our child has shown commitment to an activity, is asking for extra help, and is invested in improving.

4. Make sure they know about the effort. When we share our personal experiences with our children, be sure they know about the grit and perseverance it took to be successful.

5. Be mindful of how we foster “self-esteem” versus “selfconfidence.” We should always foster “self-esteem,” the understanding that they are loved and valuable by virtue of being themselves. We should foster “self-confidence” in an area only when it is justified.

I recently faced this very issue at the family dinner table. My children (ages 9, 7, 6, and 4) are in an intensive soccer program that works for our schedule. While we all fantasized about how great it would be one day when Teddy plays D1 soccer at Notre Dame, James had the courage to admit