5 minute read
Solve For Stuck
Solve For Stuck
WHO TO SEEK AND WHERE TO SLEEP
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By Britt Frank
‘Tis the season for chocolate hearts, teddy bears, oysters, overpriced flowers, and restaurants crammed with couples in various stages of disarray (service industry—brace yourselves).
The marketing-driven beast known as Valentine’s Day has descended upon us again with promises of undying love, glass-shattering intimacy, and swoon-worthy romance.
Yuck.
Not to be a buzzkill, but what we’re sold (and what you see on social media) in no way reflects the reality of human-ing. Many perfectly good relationships descend into chaos because of unrealistic expectations. Whether you’re single and looking to lock down a mate, in a relationship but thoroughly annoyed with your partner, or somewhere in between, it can be useful to remind yourself of the following six relationship myths:
1. All you need is love
The phrase “all you need is love” is categorically inaccurate. Love is great, but relationships also need boundaries, mutual compatibility, communication, and safety.
What you can do: Remind yourself that you can feel attraction (and love) toward people who are not good for you. As you dive into the dating pool, ensure you’re not mistaking red flags for red roses. If you’re already in a relationship, do an honest assessment of your situation and consider what other needs (besides love) are essential to address.
2. You should spend every waking moment together
When you start dating someone new, your brain goes into spring break mode and gets really drunk. This flood of feel-good chemiicals impairs your judgment and silences that wise inner voice that cautions, “Wait… we’ve already dated this type of person. Twice.”
What you can do: The key to managing your neurological cocktail party is pacing The human brain is not designed to handle hours-long phone calls or marathon dates that last for days. When you start dating someone new, limit your contact to two dates per week max. You’re not going to want to do this because it feels really effing good to binge on brain juice. Do it anyway. Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it is good.
3. You need someone to complete you
You’ll never feel complete by mashing yourself against another person. You don’t have to have everything figured out before you start dating, but it’s helpful to have at least a few things outside the relationship that are important to you.
What you can do: Resist the impulse to make your relationship your entire world. Spend some of your own time with other friends (or find new ones), build your skills, get comfortable with alone time, and tinker around with things you enjoy.
4. Never go to sleep angry
The “never go to sleep angry” myth comes from a bible verse that says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity.” It’s hard enough to relate skillfully when you’re well-rested. But sleep deprivation + conflict = unnecessary relational explosions. Sometimes the best thing for a relationship is to put a conversation down and get a good night’s sleep.
What you can do: If you’re arguing in the evening, agree on a limit and set a timer. If you’re still arguing when the timer goes off, go to sleep and try again in the morning.
5. You must find your soulmate
Soulmates (if you believe in that concept) come into your life to teach you something about yourself. Someone might very well be your soulmate—but that doesn’t mean you should spend your human incarnation with them. The term is “soulmate”—not “Earthmate.”
What you can do: Remind yourself that great relationships aren’t found; they’re built. There are many people with whom you can build a beautiful life.
6. You must sleep in the same bed
A good night’s sleep in separate rooms is more conducive to a happy relationship than a restless night of semi-unconsciousness together. Just because it’s “normal” to sleep in the same bed doesn’t mean it’s optimal.
What you can do: If sleeping separately feels good, do it. Reasons people may want to sleep separately include snoring, different wake-up and sleep schedules, partners who thrash in bed, alone time, and any reason you want that’s not listed here.
It’s easy to get discouraged when you hold your relationships to the impossible standards set by onscreen couples. But before you give up, remember that Beauty and the Beast depicted a narcissistic and abusive relationship. Romeo and Juliet were teenagers. Jack and Rose only knew each other for 48 hours before that relationship was dead in the water.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all, and to all a good night.
Follow along with Psychotherapist and author of The Science of Stuck Britt Frank [MSW, LSCSW, SEP] on Instagram (@brittfrank). To ask a question about recovering from the last few years, or anything else regarding mental health, reach out to britt@thepitchkc.com
Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment purposes only and is not to be taken as official mental health treatment or professional medical advice.
